to wonder if you do weird things when you think you're not observed?

(208 Posts)

say thank you to cashpoint machines?

say excuse me if you rumble?

open your mouth when applying massacre?

steal sample some of the meal when you're plating up?

read the end of the book before the rest?

shout at the television?

talk to the animals?

pretend you're a firebreathing dragon on a frosty morning?

wear pants in your hair when you can't find a bobble?

shove a few dirty things in the dishwasher and rewash clean stuff, to save emptying it?

drink the milk from a bowl of cereal?

Obviously these are pretty rhetorical, please feel free to add your own queries.

grin

Butternutsquash22 Mon 07-Mar-11 01:29:41

I talk to squirrels in the park on the way to uni... I have been caught in the act twice ....

Jacksmania Mon 07-Mar-11 01:38:00

I do weird things... some of ones you've listed... some others... beyond that I'm not telling!! blush

BuzzLiteBeer Mon 07-Mar-11 01:39:14

I always open my mouth when applying a massacre. shock <=== like that.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 07-Mar-11 02:01:12

I think you have to shock when putting on mascara, (massacres have a quite different effect) isn't that the law? And why not drink the milk from cereal? confused And yes, I talk to the animals - even the Clydesdale mares in the field next to me, and regularly shout at the telly.

[sad bitch emoticon]

MissyKLo Mon 07-Mar-11 05:57:11

Pants in your hair????!!!! Weird!

Am very impatient so often read a book's ending first shock

Psammead Mon 07-Mar-11 07:48:15

I leap out of the utility room in three great bounds when I put the washing machine on. I have to get out in the time between pressing the start button and when the water starts to come in. I pretend I'm Lara Croft. If I manage it, I glance back and give it a sarcastic little smile.

Mrswhiskerson Mon 07-Mar-11 07:53:26

I mosh to heavy metal when doing the dishes because I no longer have the. Money to do it in my favourite rock club and I love it !
I say thank you to the cash point all he time .
I also practise my oscar speech with the shampoo bottle It is really good now .

MaryThornbar Mon 07-Mar-11 08:09:35

Thong in hair wearer here!! They really do work as a hair bobble (clean of course - and wouldn't leave the house like it!)

grin at Spammy.

Please may I borrow that idea?

Butterbur Mon 07-Mar-11 11:25:41

I lick my plate, if it was something particularly nice.

IHateLivingHere Mon 07-Mar-11 11:31:12

Psammead - that is sooooo funny.

I got caught talking to a ladybird at work once, by someone I really don't like...... He gave me a withering look and continued down the corridor.

I race the dog down the stairs, although I don't think he realises it's a race. If I win I make fun of him blush

I talk to the fridge, thank the bank machine and lots of other things we won't mention smile

My family know I'm totally mad, so it's okay.

TheArmadillo Mon 07-Mar-11 11:33:19

this is the upside to be slightly paranoid - I always act as if someone is watching me

doesn't mean I don't do half these things though

Ivegotmrbitey Mon 07-Mar-11 11:37:10

Beware the pants in your hair! I have gone to work with a marks and spencers label fluttering in the breeze above my jaunty ponytail!

foundwanting Mon 07-Mar-11 11:37:51

i do like to step from side to side, blocking the cat's progress, while saying "You first. No, please, you go first. Really, I insist."

DD caught me once and sadi, "Mummy! You are tormenting the cat. I will report you."

OTheHugeDaffodils Mon 07-Mar-11 11:39:15

I clean my plate with my finger when nobody's looking. blush

I also sing nonsense songs to myself while cycling home.

OTheHuge <-- not very grownup, really

OTheHugeDaffodils Mon 07-Mar-11 11:40:41

I also sing at the top of my voice to '80s power ballads while cleaning the kitchen. But that's normal, isn't it? hmm

LucyInTheSkyWithAntiHistamines Mon 07-Mar-11 11:54:06

I have full scale conversations with the dogs while we are out walking. They also each have their own theme tunes which I sing tunelessly at them.

I practice my Zumba moves when I think noone can see me. I was aughtby a cyclist the other evening as I was zumbaing my way along a dark path while out with the dogs.

Obviously I don't chat to the dogs while zumbaing...that would just bugger my rhythm be mad wink

LucyInTheSkyWithAntiHistamines Mon 07-Mar-11 11:55:30

* caught by

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Missymorrison87 Mon 07-Mar-11 12:16:09

I apologise to inanimate objects if i bump into them and sometimes have conversations with them.

Usually i'm telling off something for being in the way....

I also feel really sad for items of food if i leave them on their own and have done since i was a kid. Like if i eat all the peas and only leave one on my plate i feel so sorry for it being away from all the pea friends i have to eat it.

I told my OH about this the other day... he thinks its hilarious, luckily..

ilovemyhens Mon 07-Mar-11 12:19:37

I have totally one sided arguments with dh when he's out at the shops grin I tell him exactly what I think of him and have a good rant, then I feel better when he returns.

I also sit and spend ages looking at the ant colony we have in the back garden. I give them bits of food and jam and put obstructions in their way to see what they do. Every year some of them grow wings and then form a group and fly off to pastures new which makes me feel happy and sad all at once.

5inthebed Mon 07-Mar-11 12:23:52

I smile at dogs.

I dance like I'm in a usical when I clean the house.

I pretend I'm on a cooking show and making the best dishes known to man.

5inthebed Mon 07-Mar-11 12:24:02

musical

I don't need pants in my hair, my hair is magic and can tie itself up all by itself.

Would love to have a cat to torment

LittleJennyRobyn Mon 07-Mar-11 13:58:34

grin grin grin @ psammead and foundwanting

Bloody Brilliant!!!

Have been know to have a conversation with one of my cats (as i do with all of them) but the only thing is this ones deaf and cant hear a friggin word!!

lesley33 Mon 07-Mar-11 14:13:56

As well as some of OP's

when walking across a zebra crossing both my right and left foot have to touch the white lines the same number of times. Not easy to do when you are also trying to appear to just be walking normally!

Yep, another thong in hair wearer.
I also pretend to be on a cooking show whenever I cook.

I sometimes pretend DD's teddy is my baby.
I practice award acceptance speeches.
I pretend to look in shop windows but really I;m looking at myself.

TyraG Mon 07-Mar-11 14:33:28

I talk to myself regularly.
I say excuse me when I sneeze and/or burp even if I'm the only one there.
I used to shout at the TV when I watched baseball and American football and when I'm watching a scary movie (don't go in there you idiot the killer's waiting for you)
And other things that I won't admit to.

Asteria Mon 07-Mar-11 14:48:01

I taunt my fish in the style of Otto in A Fish Called Wanda - "hello K-K-K-Ken's p-p-p-pets" or when the big fat one is sitting still, as it often does I shout "Wake up you Limey fishhhh!"
My dog and I have very highbrow conversations about Russian Literature and the state of the Palestinian/Israeli conflict...
I sing randomly about things - just before posting this was a rather tuneless "my feet are sooo cold... my feet are bloody cold...".
I also run back to my bedroom last thing at night after checking my DS - he has two single beds with space under for mad axe men - or even worse, the mad evil child in Pet Cemetery who cuts through his father's heel with a scalpel (I watched that 17 years ago and still get petrified by it!). oooh - and my mum used to grab my ankles on the way up the stairs to bed when i was little (explains so much) and i still have a fear of being grabbed on the way up the stairs...

I have to sleep covered with the duvet, or monsters will get me.

nickelprincess Mon 07-Mar-11 15:16:16

Chaos you're a freak. grin

but:
say thank you to cashpoint machines? that's perfectly normal

say excuse me if you rumble? ^i never rumble (whatever that might be...) ^

open your mouth when applying massacre? yes, that's automatic

steal sample some of the meal when you're plating up? it's not stealing , it's checkign for taste

read the end of the book before the rest? no, never, and for that alone you should be shot

shout at the television? yes, of course

talk to the animals? yep

pretend you're a firebreathing dragon on a frosty morning? ^oh, yeah! definitely! ^ grin

wear pants in your hair when you can't find a bobble? no, that's just weird

shove a few dirty things in the dishwasher and rewash clean stuff, to save emptying it? don't have a dishwasher, but probably would do this cos i'm lazy

drink the milk from a bowl of cereal? yep

nickelprincess Mon 07-Mar-11 15:17:33

I do also talk to all self-service amchines, esp the one in sainsbury's that keeps telling me to do things i've already done.
grin

and automatic doors and lifts.

nickelprincess Mon 07-Mar-11 15:18:44

i also fly the cat.
(to the tune Let's go fly a kite)

tis fun, and he knows i do it because i'm going to feed him, so he doesn't run away any more!

Lawm01 Mon 07-Mar-11 15:21:06

I 'debate' with my tom-tom when I disagree with her instructions. I tell her she's mad and hasn't she thought of how much traffic there generally is along that route this time of day? Cow persists in her opinion and repeatedly tells me the wrong way.

I also sleep with the covers over me or monsters will get me, and also, if I got for a wee in the night I walk to the bathroom totally calmly and chilled and finish, then run all the way back to bed so nobody kills me blush

nickelprincess Mon 07-Mar-11 15:35:54

ooh, i debate with the TomTom lady too! she's insane

NorbertDentressangle Mon 07-Mar-11 15:46:37

If I'm in the car on my own I shout at talk to other drivers:

eg."the accelerator pedal is on the right!!!" if they are bumbling along at 17mph in a clear 30 or 40 zone.

"just because you drive a Mercedes it doesn't make you exempt from indicating.... nobhead"

At home I talk to the cat and shout at the TV.

According to my family I also have a concentrating face that I do when I'm engrossed in something.

I 'Grand Prix', my rats-ie, pretend to race them round the house, making Grand Prix car noises.

softpaw Mon 07-Mar-11 16:21:11

i sing at the top of my voice when i hoover
i say hello and goodnight to the tv presenters
if i,m really enjoying a book,i'll go back and re.read it,rather than get to the end.
i tell my dog everything

Doyouthinktheysaurus Mon 07-Mar-11 16:51:37

I talk to the cows and sheep when I'm out running. Got surprised once by a cyclist passing from behind me whilst mooing at the cowsblush

I grumble at the self service checkouts (not even alone then)

Whitewithnosugarplease Mon 07-Mar-11 16:56:57

This is great I actually feel normal now

KatieWatie Mon 07-Mar-11 16:59:21

When I'm on the loo I choose a 7-letter word from a bottle (of shampoo / shower gel / whatever) and have to make as many words as I can from the letters in it, and I can't get off the toilet til I've got at least 50 words. I make little rules up for it depending on difficulty (can/can't have plurals, can/can't have proper nouns)

I pretend I'm on a cooking programme when I cook, even sometimes going as far as putting ingredients into little individual bowls so I can throw them in like they do on telly.

blush

KatieWatie Mon 07-Mar-11 17:03:03

I should have added that I say the words out loud as if on a word-type quiz show and as if I am being timed...

SpermyShenanigans Mon 07-Mar-11 17:06:28

I'm a learner driver and I push DS around in his pushchair looking in my imaginary rear view mirror and imaginary side ones before I turn left or right grin

DD walks 100 yards ahead of me hmm even though I'm sure nobody else notices.

loonyrationalist Mon 07-Mar-11 17:08:51

My Tom Tom lady is called Jane. She is invariably wrong & I tell her so
<wonders why on earth she uses the GPS - Don't even always follow her instructions when I have no clue where I am going>

I talk to the laundry as I load it into the washing machine ie - no black sock you must not go in with the white things.

I always taste test meals as I serve them blush

I have many many more grin

Not the maddest but...

Lick plates clean

Can't sleep with arms/legs overhanging the bed or 1.blades will come down and cut them off or 2. Monsters will drag me under the bed

Go up the stairs on all fours

Sing nonsense songs to the dog (occasionally flapping his ears in time to the music whilst he stares resignedly at me)

Wooohooooo! I'm sane! (or as mad as everyone else here)

If I'm counting coins/pairing socks/etc and there is one left over I feel sorry for it and apologise to it.

I can't have a toe or anything overhanging the bed for fear of monsters.

I apologise to doors/walls/toys/etc that I bump into.

If I touch something cold (door handle or similar) with one hand, I have to touch it with the other to balance it out.

I shout at my towel if I've got into the bath and left it hanging the other side of the bathroom. When it doesn't hop down and come over to me I swear at it.

I turn into a SAS trained supermodel when I'm doing the house work - I hold the duster like a gun, kick doors open while hiding behind the wall, poke the duster into the room and burst in shouting at the dust to get down and submit, and do a catwalk walk while I push the hoover along.

LucyInTheSkyWithAntiHistamines Mon 07-Mar-11 18:04:27

I play peek-a-boo with one of the dogs by covering her eyes with her ears and then uncovering them again while I pull faces at her. How she hasn't ripped my arm off yet and beaten me to death with it, I'll never know...

OTheHugeDaffodils Mon 07-Mar-11 19:08:24

Gilbonzo, can I copy your housework style? It sounds wildly inefficient but very fun.

TheHuge - definitely! It's why my house never looks clean but I'm always smiling through the mess grin

springbokdoc Tue 08-Mar-11 13:48:43

Ooh yes I talk/yell/point out the blindingly obvious to the TV.

I get massively attached to inanimate objects. My dh is very imaginative and can make up amazing stories so much so I haven't been able to eat an apple if he's made up a cute back story.

I almost cried when they filled in the huge pothole that I greeted when I kept on driving over it on my way to work . It then 'moved' close to my house and I'm hoping the council don't fill it in.

Whitewithnosugarplease Tue 08-Mar-11 20:37:44

I used to have different coloured cereal bowls. When putting them away the green was never allowed to be next to the blue one and the yellow had to be on top as it's a happy colour. Hated it if DH put them away in the wrong order, he thought it was hilarious! All my bowls are the same colour now, less stressful hee hee

I love this thread. It's cheered me right up grin

lololizzy Tue 08-Mar-11 21:00:06

if I'm driving towards Halton, I always have to find Aylesbury's County Hall on the skyline (it's a big panoramic view over the Chilterns). Even though i'm driving. Even if it's a misty day. I feel it will be bad luck if i can't spot it..

lololizzy Tue 08-Mar-11 21:01:46

i show the cat her face in the mirror. She looks all bemused. I've stopped showing my lizard, as he headbutts his reflection

bringinghomethebacon Tue 08-Mar-11 21:05:53

Replay conversations with people out loud (usually perfectly ordinary conversations), or have an imaginary conversation about something totally mundane with a random imaginary person.

I ALWAYS do that cooking as if on a cookery show thing!

My main weird thing I do when not observed is spend far more time on MN than I would care to admit grin

Honeybee79 Tue 08-Mar-11 21:10:48

I lick my plate, talk to the cats and talk to myself. When I am pleased with myself (especially after I've been for a jog) I literally pat myself on the back.

nora12 Tue 08-Mar-11 21:11:11

I have indoor and outdoor trousers. The indoor ones are elasticated waist with paint splashes.

missy i do that - the talking to inanimate objects, especially food.

If I am cooking and a bit of grated cheese falls on the worktop, or one of the mushrooms looks a bit manky or something, I feel sorry for them and say things like "don't worry Mr Mushrroom, you will be used so you can join your friends". Out loud.

Knickers in hair when there's no bobble? Check.
Mouth open for mascara? Check

Plus:

Breakdance/Streetdance moves whilst wathching my reflection in the glass of the kitchen french doors.

Alan Bennet style monologues in regional accents whilst I potter about the kitchen.

Running commentary of my cooking. In a French accent.

blushI am a twat.

TheNutmegofconsolation Tue 08-Mar-11 21:22:51

I tickle my dog's nose to make him sneeze, he just looks so funny! Cheers me up!

JamaicaGeisha Tue 08-Mar-11 21:25:10

Jaded you are fucking brilliant grin

I frequently interview myself in Patois in the car. Generally pretend to be a leader of a political party or a popstar. God that looks awful written down blush

I always talk to TV presenters and newsreaders. Whenever they say hi, if I like them I will wave and say 'hi babe', and if I don't like the look of them, I'll say 'oh fuck off, twat' and change the channel. Frequently repeat what is said on TV in a mocking voice if I think they are being ridiculous.

I am SOO normal grin

I tell the satnav woman off for not saying 'please' ie she says 'take the next left' so i say 'no, because you didn't say please'!

LadyOfTheManor Tue 08-Mar-11 21:35:17

I use wooden spoons to twist my hair up with.

I do weird facial movements to exercise the muscles-usually in the car in traffic, while the people in the next vehicle are staring (which I'm usually oblivious to).

I sing "Put the lime in the coke-you-nut" (the Coca Cola song) whenever I shake things (maracas, pasta etc)

I sing "What shall we do with the drunken sailor" every day to my ds...what's worse is that I do this unusual pirate jig to accompany it. Thankfully my ds is 1 and loves me for it grin

Oooh, I forgot - yawning at the dog.

blush

Tokyotwist Tue 08-Mar-11 21:39:58

Hmmm, You are all nuts grin. I certainly don't do any of these things, well except...

wear my panties as a shower cap when I forget to bring a hair band in to the shower.

Covers must come up to my neck and arms safely tucked away in case they get stolen. For some reason my head is okay out hmm

Kiss the foam on the top of a glass of coke for good luck.

Talk to myself and respond. Got caught once and had to quickly turn it into a song as passer by stared suspiciously at me.

When DH is away, before I go to bed, I have to check all rooms, cupboards, under beds and behind doors for the neighbourhood killer/rapist. This is done in a ordered, systematic and military fashion with each door shut once room has been cleared.

Oh dear, I am completely irrational, aren't I.

RevoltingPeasant Tue 08-Mar-11 21:43:26

springbok + Jaded grin

My DSis refers to everything as her friend, so will talk about 'busticketfriend' and 'shoppingbagfriend' etc. As in, 'In you go, into my handbag, ticketfriend!'

In my relationship with DP, I do 'characters' with weird voices. So one is a jazzy cat who meows in a slinky fashion; another is a frog prince who ribbits commands.

If I have to give a lecture later in the day, I often run through it, sometimes accidentally out loud, so on a totally silent morning bus, I will suddenly announce, 'And yet seventeenth-century ideas of virtue of more complex than they might first appear.'

All of my family tell terrible pirate jokes.

RevoltingPeasant Tue 08-Mar-11 21:44:54

Oh, and if I am bored, sometimes I will say the dog's name in an increasingly highpitched voice until she gets so excited she chases her tail. It makes us both happy (I think).

LadyOfTheManor Tue 08-Mar-11 21:46:10

Tokyo grin oh yes, we're nuts. hmm

FellatioNelson Tue 08-Mar-11 22:23:18

Drink gravy off my plate

Argue with the idiots who phone Jeremy Vine, especially all the belligerent ones from Yorkshire.

Negotiate with the dogs like they understand me

Have stand-up arguments with my cat, who is thoroughly unreasonable and way too demanding.

Forgot to mention. In the bath, I always lie down flat so I am fully submerged then count how long I can stay under. In my head i am actualy a free-diver in The Big Blue competing for the longest/deepest free dive ever.

And I am the only woman and about to beat all the men and it's the first time this will ever have happenend. So when I finally burst to the surface of the bath, I often say things like "how did i do?"

And I also breathe in so my tummy looks flat whilst free diving because clearly, I am being filmed.

blush again.

DH and I 'play' the cashpoint like it's a slot machine, and when the money comes out we cheer and shout 'we won! we won!'

Talk to the cats, and answer myself back on their behalf... sometimes referring to myself in the third person...

I sometiimes find myself unconciously (sp?) following instructuions in novels e.g. 'She smiled and flicked her hair' - I flick my hair while smilling!

Repeat funny sounding words to myself over and over again - out loud. And in work.

Sometimes when I'm walking, I hold my arms ouot and 'fly' like an aeroplane.

Joolyjoolyjoo Wed 09-Mar-11 00:03:07

Haha- I feel normal now!

I talk to all automated machines "I'm putting it in the bagging area, OK?"

always say hello to the cows when I'm walking the dogs, and ask if they are enjoying their breakfast. In fact, talk to any animal I meet

Have to say "cheese" if I walk under a sign- something we made up in childhood that I can't get rid of blush

Talk to the kids toys when I am tidying them up ("you know you don't go there- you go there")

Make words from the station name sign if I am waiting at the train station, and tell myself I can't get on the train unless I have come up with X no of words by the time it gets here

Set myself time targets for housework and go mad trying to finish in the allotted time

So glad I'm not the weirdo I thought I was!

jettah Wed 09-Mar-11 10:31:06

What an amazing thread, I may steal this as my status to see what strange things my friends do!

I clean my kitchen in a race against the kettle/microwave.

I say thank you to cash machines/vending machines.

If I'm having a busy day I pretend I'm being filmed for an amazing mum documentary and talk (in my head for the most part) my wy through everything I'm doing.

If someones annoyed me I have out loud conversations of what I should have said to them and their replies are always done in an Eric cartman voice.

When I'm in the shower with music on I pretend I'm in a music video along with lustful looks at the camera as I sensually wash my hair and cross my arms over my boobs.....

Think I'll stop now there's too much and I'm realising I'm a bit odd!

I write 'help me' on the shower door then wipe it off and do it again.

Oh and write redrum on mirrors, just cuz I like the backwards effect. I do this if I'm in someone's bathroom too.

I talk to cars as I am crossing the road. Quite loudly. Didn't realise I did this until the other day and someone thought I was talking to them.

I hum in my throat if I'm alone and walking.

In my head when I am alone and walking I am a fucking rockstar.

I talk to my dead grandparents sometimes when I am in the bath.

meggymegmegs Wed 09-Mar-11 11:02:03

I sniff things, I don't know why but I'm not happy using anything (even something I know will smell disgusting) before I sniff it first. This includes new clothes, cleaning products, food, anything really.

Also, if I find something unexpected on my body I give that a sniff too, like maybe pus from an infection, wax from an ear, I know it's horrid but I'm compelled to do it. I also sniff my dirty clothes, just to see how dirty they are. I don't smell anyone else's body fluids/dirty clothes except for DS who I see as an extension of myself and therefore acceptable for sniffing.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Wed 09-Mar-11 11:11:55

This thread is fucking brilliant! grin I don't do anything weird.

Oh, ok then, I admit I do. Like a poster further up the thread, I have imaginary conversations with people - they can be people I know, celebs or made up people. These conversations are often in my head but quite often can be out loud. blush In these conversations I'm the most popular, amazingly witty person and the others all love me. <saddo alert>

In the supermarket I often talk about what food to get as though DS is with me (he's usually at school). So I might say "Shall we get some carrots? Yes, let's get some. How many shall we get? I think I'll make a chilli tomorrow." etc, to no-one in particular.

If I ever use a self service checkout I always end up talking to it yelling at it. "Oh, ffs shut up!" and "I've already bloody bagged it up" are some commonly used phrases.

Clearly, I am mad. But obviously in good company. grin

EcoLady Wed 09-Mar-11 11:17:29

Talking to the self-service checkout machines is not weird ... it's compulsory!

thefirstMrsDeVere Wed 09-Mar-11 11:22:23

I love this. Have a cold and feeling mis. This is making me cheery grin

I always talk to self service checkout machines. I am ethically opposed to them because they cost jobs BUT I love playing shops blush.

I also talk back to TomTom particulary when she tells me I am over the speed limit and I am NOT.

Talk to DD's urn quite a bit and give her a kiss when I dust it. Infact most of my mad things revolve around DD. I used to drive around East London with Lily Allen on full blast singing my head off. Very antisocial but entirely theraputic.

All you lot who thank or say sorry to inanimate objects - I mainly swear at them.

I do a lot of ballet moves whilst going about my daily business. Now I cant be the only one who does that surely?

nickelprincess Wed 09-Mar-11 11:30:05

oh yes, TomTom does that, doesn't she! It's a dual carriageway, it's 70! you stupid woman, not 60!

OTheHugeManatee Wed 09-Mar-11 11:32:05

I talk to my bike when I'm cleaning or fixing it. As a teenager I used to talk to my horse when grooming it, and I think it just carried over. blush

Trinaluce Wed 09-Mar-11 11:33:39

I cross myself if I pass someone on the stairs, but I HAVE to be sure no-one can see as there's a lot of people of other faiths where I work, and I wouldn't want someone to see me crossing myself when I'd just passed a Muslim/Hindu in case they misunderstood. It doesn't matter who you are, I'll still do it, whether you worship the Christian God, Jewish God, Allah, Vishnu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I've actually started using the lift more to be on the safe side...

I talk to inanimate objects, and am convinced the self-service checkouts will actually be banned under the Geneva Convention for being a form of mental torture. I argue with them whenever I use them. 'It's IN the bagging area, you're just too damned stupid to figure that out!'

I feel sorry for things on ebay that are marked Mint in the Box, and have bid on several of these with the full intention of 'releasing' them as soon as I get them. I haven't yet won though sad

I am the stressiest driver I know and will 'educate' people in front or behind about their misdemeanours. 'That white circle with a black line through it? That means 60 on this road. So SPEED THE HELL UP/GET THE HELL OFF MY BACKSIDE' - 'That little stick next to your steering wheel? It's for things called 'In-di-cators'. If you use them I might have some idea where you're going'

If I need the loo but not enough to actually haul my arse all the way upstairs, I'll sit and sing 'I need a wee' to the tune of the Cambridge Chimes (think Big Ben before it strikes the hour)

The thong in the hair though? That's just WEIRD wink

OTheHugeManatee Wed 09-Mar-11 11:34:23

Also at the moment I'm studying Melanie Klein's psychoanalytic theories, so every time I see a music video I translate it into paranoid/schizoid or depressive phantasy. confused

SummerRain Wed 09-Mar-11 12:01:29

I talk to machines, the tv, the cats, random objects.....

open my mouth when applying mascara... and other make up and creams too tbh blush

shout at the television... obviously... I rant at ads a lot and pause programs to give out about factual errors (the show could be about superhero chickens but if they use and incorrect medical or scientific fact i still feel compelled to rant. DP has taken to asking 'And that's the most unlikely aspect of this is it?') I have to pause as DP got mad at me ranting over the show

I sweep dirt under furniture.... I don't know why, I'm the only one that cleans under the furniture so i'm only making work for myself!

sneak peaks at myself when walking past any reflective surface... I've been caught out a few times checking myself out in car windows only to realise the car is occupied so i looks like I'm staring at the driver blush

I'm scared of monsters under the bed and can't stand to have my feet anywhere near the side of the bed after dark.

I redo conversations I've just had over and over under my breathe but with wittier/braver/sexier input from me blush

I imagine disasters and play out in my head what would happen if dp/the kids died, Armageddon came/I crashed the car/etc. and often end up in tears or extremely angry at what's happened in my pretend reality

helibee Wed 09-Mar-11 12:01:45

I do lots of the above. Also when I was a teenager I couldn't get undressed in front of the posters of hot male models/popstars/actors otherwise they wouldn't ever look at me in the same way again grin

The arms and legs under the covers is surely good sense wink and I also check every room systematically two Tokyo

I'm loony grin

rabbit68 Wed 09-Mar-11 12:02:37

I always sing while hoovering -I am glad to learn that is so normal.

I always having imaginary conversations and imaginary rows with dh.

Talking to the cat? of course, she is interested in what I have to say.

i shout at the Jeremy Vine show; so this is also quite normal - I will happily do this with anyone else around

I am well known for being a little bit mad; At Beavers I will sing and do silly action songs, play games, have races with the children but ALL the other parents are too embarassed. What's that all about? They have told me I am mad but I think they would like to be able to do it themselves and are a little bit envious of my I-don't-care-what-I-look-like attitude;maybe people are too self concious and repressed.

Must go, Jeremy Vine on the radio, time to go yell at him. grin

Another one who talks to the self-service machines here (I usually have a shouting match over an item it claims I have removed from the bagging area and have to be rescued by the nice attendant).

I talk to the dog too – he listens really intently, dipping his head to the side and flipping his ears. I’ve recently realised that he actually understands quite a lot of what I’m saying, for example I usually say “right, it’s about time I got you some dinner”, and he now runs to his dish when I say it. I had no idea he knew that!

I harmonise with household appliances, like microwaves and vacuum cleaners.

I stick my tummy out and pretend I’m pregnant.

I sing along to Broadway shows and act out the scenes.

I do ballet moves (never been to a ballet class in my life)

I jump instead of walking. Not up and down the stairs though.

I have conversations with my children. This seems normal, until you realise that I don't actually HAVE any children yet. I'm talking to my imagined future children. So far I have succesfully dealt with a teenage pregnancy, homework tantrums, and bedroom decorating. All rather succesfully, actually.

Some great ideas on here though – I’m going to try the Cooking Show one tonight!

olderandwider Wed 09-Mar-11 14:30:10

When DD was a baby, I would tango her around the kitchen, little fat arm pointing straight ahead as we swerved around the chairs. Our favourite tune was Fernando's Hideaway.

LucretiaInShadows Wed 09-Mar-11 14:52:35

I dance in the kitchen

I say thank you to cash machines. And lifts, on the rare occasion that I use them. Usually this is at work, which can be embarrassing.

Every inanimate object is "Mr," as in "where are you, Mr Chopping Board?"

I have conversations with imaginary children and real pets.

TobyLerone Wed 09-Mar-11 14:52:59

This thread is brilliant.

I make up songs to sing to my children (my son is 11.5 and my daughter is 9.10) about how soft their skin is/how pretty they are/how much I love them/how they smell of bums. Sometimes I do this in the supermarket. And often I threaten to do it at the school gates, although I haven't yet.

I also translate the lyrics to songs into French. I do this word-for-word, despite the fact that it doesn't make sense to do so. Usually I do it in my head, but sometimes I actually sing them. Luckily my bf doesn't speak French, so he thinks they sound quite sexy, but the kids often pull me up on the word order.

I do the ballet moves thing too. And the talking to the sat nav thing.

slim22 Wed 09-Mar-11 15:00:23

chaos, you are my woman of the week on MN! brilliant OP

piprabbit Wed 09-Mar-11 15:02:07

I sing bits of the 'Queen of the Night' aria from Magic Flute.

I can't sing and don't know the words - but it doesn't stop me letting rip.

UmYeahLikeTotally Wed 09-Mar-11 15:41:33

When I put DD's toys away, I carefully put her dolly in the pram and cover with a blanket so it won't be cold... blush

toeragsnotriches Wed 09-Mar-11 15:46:52

I talk to myself. A lot. Even more since being a SAHM!!

Tokyotwist Wed 09-Mar-11 16:34:39

olderandwiser I also danced dd round the kitchen and when I realised the blinds were open, I would leave them for a while in the secret hope than someone would see my brilliant moves. grin I am a terrible dancer.

pinkism Wed 09-Mar-11 16:51:25

I always dance in front of the mirror and don't mind if anyone sees, I'm so amazing at dancing...especially ballet and street dancing after all these years practising while peeling spuds etc

I say hello to the weatherman on telly

I try not to walk on cracks in the pavement and if theres a pattern in the shop floor I tend to follow it

I speak to all animals

I feel sorry for last things and apologise, I would never leave a lonely pea either

I sing all day, very loudly and dance and sing in the car

I'm a train in the cold air

I'm a supermodel/amazing singer/dancer if I see myself in a mirror

I'm a grand prix driver in my car (and shout abuse at everyone else)

My hands have to be holding something or face down in bed in case something grabs them

I'm happy my DS is now 15mo and starting to understand what I chat about all day

........I'm totally normal brew

noluck Wed 09-Mar-11 17:16:46

Oh dear, I'm 56 years old and do nearly all of the above....I frequently redo discussions, but with better answers, I am always a model getting ready to go to a show in the morning....I say "excuse me" to furniture if I bump into it....I lick my plate (when alone, thank god), I make faces behind peoples' (OK, DH's) back (haven't been caught yet!!). In the car I have conversations with the tomtom, the custom's officer, anyone really, sometimes out loud...And thanks to all of you, I now know that I am entirely sane and that everyone does it...well everyone on Mumsnet anyway....Thank you. (I also pretend to be on a cooking show, plus I AM a rockstar, OMG, my poor grandchildren, if they knew!!!) I once actually said sorry to a carrot before cutting it up, and I wasn't alone in the kitchen...I still believe in fairies, pixies, etc, am terrified of "things" under the bed...talk to all animals..plus the dishwasher...(sings, they are coming to take you away, hihi, they are coming to take you away, haha, hihi....)

lesley33 Wed 09-Mar-11 17:36:20

I sniff my clothes every morning before I put them on. I think it comes from a teenage fear of smelling, but even when I know they are clean I can't stop myself doing it. OH thinks its hilarious.

Well I must be doubly weird because I do weird things but have no shame and do them in full view and hearing of other people...
I sing songs to my dog, her name is Blaise, I call her Baisey boo, so pretty much any song with the word "baby" gets subsituted for baisey and the words "you" get turned into Boo.

One thing I used to do when I was very young. when coming down the stairs, I would pause at the bottom and smile and fake silent laugh at an imaginary camera.
I think I watched too many 80's/early 90's sitcoms, almost all the opening credits were things like that...

I sing at bus stops. DDs think it is funny (for now anyway) and DD1 has taken to getting me to slow dance round the bus shelter with her.

slugz Wed 09-Mar-11 18:24:53

I can't sleep if I've locked the house at night.
Reasoning being, that locking means there's something to be scared of, and if someone's that evil then a couple of locks aren't going to stop them.
If I don't lock the doors then I can convince myself there's nothing to be scared of and sleep like a baby.

omnishambles Wed 09-Mar-11 18:33:34

I do weird stretching exercises when I'm alone in lifts.

Tokyotwist Wed 09-Mar-11 18:39:18

One to add to my list of crazy things...

I spend hours filling my online shopping basket with lovely clothes for dd and me, totally convinced I'm going to buy them, and then just before checkout I press the cross quickly so I loose it all.

Have to be careful with this game on Amazon as the darn thing remembers the next time you visit them.

b1uebells Wed 09-Mar-11 18:42:27

I refer to myself as mummy all the time, even if the dc are not with me and I am talking to myself or the cat. Only totally normal things of course that one would say to a cat whether saying "mummy" or not like "mummy needs to put the washing on". This is probably helped my the fact the cat thinks he is human! Haha

Crystyclear Wed 09-Mar-11 18:43:06

tobylerone we may well be the same person... yes to all of yours.

was very disappointed to learn that there is already a French version of "Beyond the Sea" as I've had my own version for years.

i also...

apologise to body parts before picking/plucking or shaving them. I'm particularly prone to begging blackheads to "get out" whilst cleansing.

i dance with my baby and sing him made up songs.

i salute magpies and have long conversations with the garden birds.

i used to have a dictaphone taped to the dashboard in my car to record shopping lists/things i didn't want to forget.

thefirstMrsDeVere Wed 09-Mar-11 19:03:01

Haha at the amount of closet ballerinas on MNs grin

Anyone else dance round the supermarket with the trolley then realise you didnt actually bring the baby with you this time blush

TheMadHouse1234 Wed 09-Mar-11 19:11:25

I push the trolley round the supermarket, and stop to look at something and start rocking the trolley, forgetting that it's not the pushchair and I've haven't got a baby in there

LadyOfTheManor Wed 09-Mar-11 19:23:51

Tokyo- I do that! Decide to buy ALL of Next, get to the checkout and think "nahhh".

LadyOfTheManor Wed 09-Mar-11 19:24:07

online of course.

brusselspouts Wed 09-Mar-11 19:34:57

Yes, I always thank the cash machine and I'm glad someone else puts pants in their hair.

AboardtheAxiom Wed 09-Mar-11 19:43:48

Some of these are hilarious! grin

I salute magpies

talk to random animals and my dog and cat

dance around with my dog holding his paws

Sing loudly whilst washing the pots

I hum theme tunes from children's programmes/ films (past and present) and make poor ds guess what they are

I love it when me and DS are out together as I get to be silly in public all in the name of motherhood (running like an airplane with my arms out, or being a race car are firm favourites).

I call household appliances "stupid" if they aren't working or are working too slowly

Doing a racing commentary when walking the dog "and it's doggy in the lead followed closely by aboardtheaxiom"

AboardtheAxiom Wed 09-Mar-11 19:44:57

Ooh I also like to push the supermarket trolley really fast and lift my feet off the floor so I ride down the aisle. Or spin the trolley right round 360degrees. Get some funny looks for those ones!

Aboard I do that

canei22 Wed 09-Mar-11 19:55:38

When doing the hoovering I put on headphones and play really loud my cd of the chicago musical and become Roxy Hart.....Singing and dancing... I am 52 and nothing like Roxy....

Also practice belly dancing in kitchen while cooking. Ahm more of a belly wobble in my case.

Always talk to my cats as if they are a toddlers.

MixedClassBaby Wed 09-Mar-11 20:07:45

I burp the words "egg nog" really loudly, sometimes at the cat to wake her up if she's asleep blush

I also sing a "bing bong" song over the University Challenge theme music. It goes something like "Bing bong bing bong tapdallalalala rumpity bingly bong, tuurump bing bong bing bong...etc"

thefirstMrsDeVere Wed 09-Mar-11 20:07:58

I do that too! I love trolley surfing.

Eaglebird Wed 09-Mar-11 20:45:08

I reprimand bad drivers in other cars when I'm driving, in the style of a patronising driving instructor ('The speed limit's 70 you know' / 'You need to leave a bigger gap' / 'That wasn't a very good manoevre, was it?').

I trolley surf in the suparmarket car park. DS shouts 'faster Mammy' and eggs me on to do it in the aisles too.

When I hear a Bee Gees song, I have to sing along in a high pitched voice. The cat loves it.

I twang the tendon things on my chest (at the front of the chest, between your collarbones, just under the adams apple area) and pretend I'm playing a bass guitar

medicalmayhem Wed 09-Mar-11 20:49:30

mixed so funny burping egg nog, grin

UmYeahLikeTotally Wed 09-Mar-11 20:57:29

When I'm alone and hoovering, I put on the first Arctic Monkeys album and hoover really really fast in time to the music, headbanging as I go......its fun!

UmYeahLikeTotally Wed 09-Mar-11 20:57:29

When I'm alone and hoovering, I put on the first Arctic Monkeys album and hoover really really fast in time to the music, headbanging as I go......its fun!

jettah Wed 09-Mar-11 21:33:05

Oh I forgot to add I can't walk across 3 drain covers as someone told me when I was younger that it brought bad luck. This worked pretty well until I became a mum, I have to randomly cross roads and cross back to avoid them, which is safer than popping onto the road to bypass them! My OH thinks I'm ridiculous. But at least I have my good luck!!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Wed 09-Mar-11 22:00:34

I'm an underdog Olympic Curling Athlete when mopping the kitchen floor - then regret my ace shot when the bucket hits a cupboard and half the mucky water sloshes out onto the floor...

lololizzy Wed 09-Mar-11 22:05:06

i often catch myself talking to the cat. Even when i'm out and about..sometimes i've even done it out loud blush

lololizzy Wed 09-Mar-11 22:06:27

I used to sell fossils and would hold up huge ammonites, one to each ear, to the mirror to admire myself as Princess Leah

lololizzy Wed 09-Mar-11 22:06:59

I don't mean the cat's with me when i'm out and about..that would be even weirder ?!

oldsilver Wed 09-Mar-11 22:17:29

I also clean my plate at the end of the meal with my finger - it's a struggle not to do it when out and about.

I always sneeze when plucking my left eyebrow - never my right.

When sweeping the kitchen floor as soon as I get to the washing machine my face contorts weirdly...

I apologise to inanimate objects if I bump into them..

There are others, THOSE I am not sharing grin

thefirstMrsDeVere Wed 09-Mar-11 22:21:21

I save snails. It can take me bloody ages to walk up the road when its been raining. I move them to a wall so they wont get srunched. Specially the really teeny ones. I cant bear the thought of them toiling away up the street for hours only to get stepped on <chin wobble>

lololizzy Wed 09-Mar-11 22:23:35

i save them too! even though it makes me cringe picking them up ! the tiny ones are sooo cute though. I once photographed a snail (on macro lens) eating some of my cake. It really enjoyed it and the detail came out really well with crumbs all over it's 'face'

meadowlarks Wed 09-Mar-11 22:25:56

MixedClassBaby - I do the "bing bong" thing over the Uni Challenge theme tune too! I also pretend I'm the announcer and I say "University Challenge. Asking the questions...Jeremy Paxman!"

I enjoy saying "Yarp" and "Narp" in answer to questions ever since I saw Hot Fuzz. Ocassionally, I've forgotten that I'm not at home and I've said it to some strangers. As in - "So, meadowlarks, have you considered our tax-free ISA?" "Yarrrrp."

I can also only hoover to the tune of "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen. I've worked out a full routine where I sweep in and out to the beat and swing the hoover round on the solo. Logically, I dust to "Another One Bites the Dust". The rhythm's a bit slower on that one but I like to take the time to do my best disco moves as I reach into the corners.

thefirstMrsDeVere Wed 09-Mar-11 22:27:09

That sounds lovely! A baby snail eating cake awwww <looks around furtively less she is booted off Mumsnet>

When I was in my 20s i used to climb out on a precarious flat roof to sunbathe. I nearly bloody killed myself rescuing a millipede thingy because it was frying. I was also on the phone at the time, wearing a bikini.

The workmen down below thought it was their birthday and Christmas come at once blush

lololizzy Wed 09-Mar-11 22:39:16

The cake eater was a big whopping snail! The story behind it is i was trying to get over my slug phobia .Thought i would start with snails..picked up a big one (by the shell..am not that brave!)) and put it on garden bench. Then thought myself very brave to touch its 'feelers'..my ex came out and asked why i was prodding the poor thing in its EYES!!! shock yes i had got to something like 35 yrs of age, not realising their eyes are out on stalks and are in fac not feelers/antennae...he gave it some of his coffee cake by way of compensation, and it went down a treat..they have really weird mouthparts that open and close like a strange flower..would'nt have seen it without macro

thefirstMrsDeVere Wed 09-Mar-11 22:49:14

I hate slugs. When I moved to my house it was the first time I had a garden. It was a very damp summer. I had never seen so many slugs. ORANGE ones! Big ones and little ones and they are so disgusting. I planted my first flower - a lily. They ate it ALL over night. It disappeared. shock

I like snails though. I think they are cute. Except when I go to put the rubbish out at night without anything on my feet and tread on one. THAT is beyond disgusting.

lololizzy Wed 09-Mar-11 22:51:13

orange slugs !!!!!!!!!!retch retch. please remind me of them next week when i start a strict diet and have food cravings!!

lololizzy Wed 09-Mar-11 22:51:50

i once saw a documentary where David Bellamy ATE a large slug shock

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 09-Mar-11 22:57:23

I fart closely by the cat to make him jump. I have never admitted that to anyone.

YY to the monologues - I always talk to myself when cooking or in the kitchen.

I drive along pulling faces at myself in the rear view mirror. I am amazed I haven't crashed yet.

When I go over those yellow strips that they put on the roads to make you slow down (and they make a loud buuf buuf buuf noise as you go over them too fast) I turn it into a Prodigy song and start punching the air and singing and shaking my head like Keith Flint.

After blow drying my hair I often come out the dressing room swishing my hair slo mo singing 'Like you've just stepped out of a saloooooooon - salon selectives. I do that with DD and DP in the house - they are used to it now.

Do you sing woah bodyfooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmm sometimes too?

lololizzy Wed 09-Mar-11 23:01:43

yep. and hohoho, green giant...

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 09-Mar-11 23:02:14

haha - yes. DD uses bodyform pads - I have sung 'whoah bodyform' in Sainsburys. She was disgusted with me. Mind you she hates shopping with me, dance about in order to piss her off.

lololizzy Wed 09-Mar-11 23:06:22

i wear socks with flipflops after a bath. If my DP catches me he goes mad! admittedly not an attactive look (or particularly comfortable either)

GetOrf will you be my mum big sister?

Bogeyface Wed 09-Mar-11 23:13:18

DH pointed out to me today a lady standing outside our house. She was standing with her back to the our lounge window and she was having a real good scratch! I have no idea what was irritating her arse but the way she was going at it, I am surprised she didnt pull a kidney out

Obviously the street was clear so she thought she was safe, but didnt consider that there might be someone behind the window

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 09-Mar-11 23:17:53

Best bit of the ritualistic sainsbruy's humiliation I always do to DD was when they were playing Dizzee Rascal's Dance With Me in the record bit in there. For some reason I know all the words to the rap bit, and I proceeded to rap it in the poultry aisle. According to dd 'you have ruined that song for me forever, mum' grin

RedbinD Wed 09-Mar-11 23:20:48

Trilli - you can have the bastard thats trying to wander over my laptop as I type!

RedbinD Wed 09-Mar-11 23:21:10

Her names Purdie by the way.

Alwaysworthchecking Wed 09-Mar-11 23:31:00

All you people with cats and dogs are reassuringly mad and I salute you.

I talk to my guinea pigs and they talk back. The other day one of them responded with some witty repartee and I laughed - like I wasn't expecting it or something.

All dogs announce, 'Look at me!' in the same 'dog voice' I have used since childhood. I was so proud of ds when, as a toddler, he spied a dog from the car and did the phrase and the voice.

So glad it's not just me who talks back at self-service checkouts: 'An unexpected item in the bagging area? What - like my shopping, you mean?' And the satnav. Both the dc now back-chat 'Emily' when she says, 'Recalculating...'

pumpkinaobscura Wed 09-Mar-11 23:33:16

I mix Heinz beans with peas and eat them.

pinkism Wed 09-Mar-11 23:33:40

jettah if you step on each one and say 'toast' then it cancels them out. Yes I do.

I though I was the only trolley surfer that gets horrified looks from the other shoppers entering the aisle (as I'm getting to my world record distance)

sharbie Wed 09-Mar-11 23:36:20

my grandad was always singing the bodyform song - i don't think he knew what they were smile

another cat flyer here - we have a rather portly dog who waits for his turn to fly too (v serious expression on his face all four paws rigid pointing to the ground)

coinoperatedgirl Wed 09-Mar-11 23:36:49

I love this thread grin, don't do anything odd as far as I can remember, but was feeling earlier that the world was full of twats. You can't play peekaboo with a dog, or tango a baby and be a twat, I feel it in my bones. Has really cheered me up, people are batty, but fab.

sharbie Wed 09-Mar-11 23:37:21

grin all pets have a voice and all other dogs we see too

RedbinD Wed 09-Mar-11 23:40:25

And just try having a shit with a cat sat on your head. I just knew that the bathroom door had a lock for a reason.

coinoperatedgirl Wed 09-Mar-11 23:42:29

I hate slugs too madamedevere, when we moved into this house, the first summer, one crawled into our living room(our first garden too). DD and I were daring each other to get rid of it, I finally managed to flip it out with a stiff bit of cardboard grin.

I do ballet moves too!

Sometimes when I am walking with my iPod I put on a really upbeat tune and imagine I am in a film and the song is my sound track.

When I am walking and really knackered I imagine I am on a travellator like you get at the air port or I imagine I am pulling myself along on an imaginary bar along the road blush

TobyLerone Thu 10-Mar-11 09:57:56

"tobylerone we may well be the same person... yes to all of yours.

was very disappointed to learn that there is already a French version of "Beyond the Sea" as I've had my own version for years."

I am thrilled that someone else does this! When I told a friend of mine (who speaks about 4 languages fluently) he was genuinely baffled. Like "how can someone like you, who is so pedantic about grammar, bear to do this knowing it's incorrect"? I knew I shouldn't have told him blush

Also do trolley surfing, tube surfing (has that been mentioned yet?) and the 'pretending the song on my iPod is the soundtrack to my life' thing. In fact, my entire life has a soundtrack, all the time. There is always a song in my head. My friend Bri has had the same Weezer song stuck in her head since 1997.

MrsTumbles Thu 10-Mar-11 10:46:36

These have really made me laugh this morning.

The only time I'm ever really on my own is when I'm driving, so I find myself doing a commentary as if I'm test driving a car for Top Gear blush I describe the handling and acceleration etc. I 'change' the car I'm driving depending on my mood as test driving the same peugeot day in day out got a little boring...

grin

When I'm on the top deck of a bus I sit at the very front and pretend I'm in a small plane flying down the street.

If I walk along a paved area with anything other than boring set square, right angled slabs, I have to cross my legs each step exaggeratedly, careering from side to side as I traverse the 'wibbly wobbly way'. DD also does this.

I secretly think I'm a very good singer and if only anyone ever heard me they'd agree. Only singing when I'm by myself allows me to continue this delusion.

When I'm in the bathroom with no clothes on I have to 'wobble' myself at the bathroom mirror to see how many bits move. More and more these days grin

I can't pass an oak tree without singing 'tie a yellow ribbon round an old oak tree', a picture of a badger without going 'badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom' or see a rainbow without singing the Rainbow theme tune.

I also talk to my dog, the automated checkout machines, and trolley surf.

albertcamus Thu 10-Mar-11 14:46:21

I touch the photos of my dearly-loved Dad, who passed away in 06, and carry a small photo of him everywhere I go. He's now been to India, Turkey & Switzerland and would have been thrilled !

I also cringe for my beloved convertible Beetle when I drive through a puddle because it's just so sad to get that lovely hood wet and muddy. I thank it when it's completed a long journey to my satisfaction !

My kids just nod to each other sagely, confirming what they know - that I'm completely mad !

pinkism Thu 10-Mar-11 14:49:52

I once saw police training to be police drivers on telly, they have to say everything they see and do. I do that all the time.
" left corner approaching, red astra parked to the right, changing into 3rd gear, man and dog waiting to cross....." etcetc. I'd pass that test easy

pinkism Thu 10-Mar-11 14:52:11

albertcamus I don't like it when people bad mouth a car when your in it incase it takes offence. I was very upset when oh mentioned scrapping the car when we were inside and driving!! Madness.

pinkism Thu 10-Mar-11 14:53:43

You're. Stupid phone making me look bad.

TobyLerone Thu 10-Mar-11 14:55:06

Heh. My car is ancient, crap and dying. I thank it when it gets to the top of a hill, and have encouraged and cajoled it (aloud) all the way up.

Megatron Thu 10-Mar-11 14:57:38

I have hair pants for when I'm putting my make up on. They were clean a couple of years ago when I discovered they were the best thing to keep my hair back. I talk to the hamster all the time, sing TV themes in an operatic voice just to make myself laugh. I answer back to the radio, shout at the TV and have been known to have a conversation with my lovely fridge.

TobyLerone Thu 10-Mar-11 15:02:48

I talk to my tortoise (not a euphemism) in a baby voice.

thefirstMrsDeVere Thu 10-Mar-11 15:36:49

I pat my car's steering wheel when she has done particulary well. I always ask 'does that feel better?' when I fill her up.

I have shoes that I dont wear. I open the boxes and smile at them everyso often.

I do the 'I need a wee' song too. I dont use the same tune, mine is more 'I need a wee, I need a wee, I need a wee - I need a wee, I need a weeeeeee'

I say 'Billie bird' every time a I see a Magpie. I used to be terribly superstitious about them and would do those stupid things you are supposed to do when you see them. After DD died, when I saw them they would remind me of her and her other friends who had died. If there were two I would think 'there is DD and XX' . Its because they are so cheeky and carefree.

ANYWAY when i see them now I just say 'Billie bird' I know this is totally bonkers.

albertcamus Thu 10-Mar-11 15:56:39

pinkism - the great thing is, my car does hear me, she really does, because when my DH (of course such a very superior driver) is behind the wheel, she sometimes makes him graunch the gearbox - YAY !!! This never happens when I'm driving her, but of course being a typical man, according to him, it's just a daft VW gearbox, inferior to his Jag lol

Tidey Thu 10-Mar-11 16:03:05

I can't think of any new ones, but I'm so glad I'm not the only one who puts more dirty plates in the dishwasher and turns it on again. I know it's lazy and probably very wasteful, but I have done it a few times blush

poutintrout Thu 10-Mar-11 16:34:22

This is excellent. Seeing as so many people do the same weird things surely the behaviour must actually be normal.

I speak to my dogs continually and refer to myself as mummy. I also sing to them and change the words in songs to their name - like that song that goes "Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby" is now "Doogie, Doogie, Doogie, Doogie". Me and the dogs also have "our song" like we are a married couple.

When there is a good guitar solo in a song I play the dog like he is the guitar. Not to the point of swinging him round the room!

I have a mad obsession with locking up the house at night which involves locking the front door, pushing on it several times to make sure it's locked, opening it again so I can relock it and go through the whole pushing it with all my weight process again.
I also have two windows that I have to push on the frame to ensure they are shut - but only these two windows??? Also have to turn off the microwave socket at the wall, no other appliance gets this special treatment. If this process hasn't been followed I cannot sleep.

I also time myself when cleaning and get really flustered if I run over.

Also have a little bedtime routine for the dogs involving telling them I love them and that I'll see them in the morning. There is a very specific wording to it and system of kisses and MUST be followed.

Oh dear...

I used to fantasize that I'm being watched by the entire world and everyone is fascinated by every (wonderful) move I make and word I say hmm
I think cars have "faces" and some are smiley and cute, some are not so cute and some are plain ugly!
Oh and I do about 80% of everything that has been said here too.

Can I please nominate this thread for classics?
It's therapy to me.

Chloe55 Thu 10-Mar-11 17:07:26

I talk to myself all the time, was shouting abusively at the wind today whilst out walking the dog, it was open fields and the wind was so noisy so I was literally shouting at the top of my voice, no idea if anyone heard me blush

I always give myself an ultimatum about reaching the next lampost whilst driving, ie. if I don't get to to the next lamppost by the time this song finishes then I will gain 5lbs next week or something along those lines.

I am also a trolley surfer and have yet to see another adult do this, which, judging by how many people on here do I would have thought I would have seen more!

If I drop food on the kitchen floor I pick it up and put it on dh's plate.

He thinks I dishup evenly but he doesn't see me scoff a handful of chips before I bring the dinner through.

I hide food or snack on chocolate behind the fridge door so ds doesn't see me and what some as it's ALL MINE.

I sing Singstar sometimes ....on my own blush

I put hairbands on my dog's nose/paw and laugh at her struggle to get them off.

ShowOfHands Thu 10-Mar-11 17:12:22

I'm often interviewed by Parky/Graham Norton/any famous person really. I'm very witty and they fall hopelessly in love with me and my anecdotes.

Of course I'm on the sofa eating bombay mix by the truck load, perhaps still in my PJs when this is happening.

KatieWatie Thu 10-Mar-11 17:24:22

I sing made-up harmonies to certain TV themes. I perfected the "Home & Away" one about 15 years ago, and when they updated the theme tune they actually STOLE my harmonies angry

My trolley-scooting days came to an abrupt end last year when I scooted one of the smaller trolleys back to the trolley park, it over-balanced, and I damaged my hand quite badly My mum's response "you're 32, not 6" says it all really blush Now scarred for life - be warned ladies!

I do ballet 'positions', often in supermarkets, even though I've never had any sort of ballet training.

I 'merchandise' in shops and supermarkets - putting things in the right place and pulling things to the front. I can be hours in a card shop sorting them all out. I got this from my mum who has a similar habit and I remember as a little girl being in a shop with her spending hours matching all the Sylvanian Families into their right boxes, because they'd all been just shoved in a bargain bin. Golden days!

lololizzy Thu 10-Mar-11 19:21:15

i also talk to my tortoise. The lizard gets songs sung to him eg 'green thing' for Wild Thing, lyrics such as 'poor little greenie' (David Bowie) or 'gotta be green gotta be mean' which is taken from a Mika song. He's not mean though!

jennypenney Thu 10-Mar-11 20:16:43

I've been lurking for a while but had to join because this thread is awesome! You're all bonkers! However, I:

- greet the first magpie of the day by saying "Hello Mr Magpie!" but only if I see it before midday

- make the eggs fight each other to the death when I want to make an omelette ("death" being them cracking their shells)

- always thank the cash machine. And the car park barrier machine. And the vending machine at the gym (although this MUST be done in a nerdy John Major voice).

- argue loudly with the self check-out machine at Sainsbury's and then when it says "unexpected item in bagging area" I respond with "nobody expects the spanish inquisition!" a la Monty Python.

- refer to all tradesmen/call centre people/employees of the shop I'm in as "Nice Mr/Mrs [insert company name here] Lady/Man" including the automated BT voice ("Nice Mrs BT Lady says we've got a message!") and the speaking clock ("Nice Mr Speaking Clock Man")

- sing loudly when driving anywhere

- when driving any long distance imagine what I would say/do if I should pull in at motorway services next to the Top Gear chaps

- then pretend that I'm famous just so I can imagine what my interview and lap on Top Gear would be like (I would, obviously, be the fastest famous person in a reasonably priced car)

- give all the socks different voices when I'm pairing them up after washing and drying them. The red ones always have joyous and affectionate reunions.

- am perfectly capable of going to the loo in the middle of the night in the dark but sometimes will imagine there's a Black Rider from LOTR waiting outside the bathroom round the corner so I have to RUN back to bed

yes, we are all sane

everythingchangeseverything Thu 10-Mar-11 21:43:32

Is this in classics yet? grin

I talk to everything. Running narration going around the supermarket, whether or not DS is in the pram. I make up songs, in a variety of styles. e.g grand operatic recitative about going to toddler group.
I belt out power ballads whilst ironing, unless I am perfecting my bellydance moves. I also shimmy and do tai chi moves whilst waiting for the kettle. This is awkward at work when I forget others are watching.

My Grandma curtsies to the full moon and jangles her money at the new moon. I have never met anyone else who does this, or can tell me why.

I just thought of another one that I do.

You know the car advert where the bloke is blasting his stereo and rapping along to "Rapper's Delight" with a couple of homeboys in the car with him.

Then he pulls up outside his very safe house in a very safe neighborhood and his DW asks if he remembered the nappies. Pull out to reveal that he is alone and totally square...

That's me that is.

On my own in the car, I play the stereo really loud, rap along to the Old Skool Hip Hop I listened to in my youth, or even make up words to raps.

Then I get home to my very suburban, middle class area and worry that I haven't baked enough for DDs Year 1 cake sale blush

I have full blown arguements with the self service checkouts, often reminding them I worked for Tescos for 7 years and was Customer Service Manager for the last two thank you very much! I'm becoming known in my local branch now blush

I try out explaining new concepts to my cats, if it holds their interest then it'll usually do for Year 8 on a Friday afternoon, actually found this to be an excellent teaching method and still think it should be included on the PGCE course, I will even hire out my boys for those who are feline free.

I always jump over tge squeaky floor board on the landing but when alone I do a gymnastic finish and score myself!

I also talk to TV presenters, imagine my joy when Miranda started and you could legitimately have a conversation with the show, such fun!

Oooo gymnastic finishes! They're essential for completing any household related task, usually accompanied by me shouting "AND PRESENT" <full on pointy fingers flourish>.

I am also champion bottom dancer in my living room. So far I've had no competition but if ever there was I'm fairly sure no one could shake it better than me.

jennypenney Fri 11-Mar-11 17:52:29

Also putting different amounts of butter on my morning soldiers, according to what rank they are: eg sergeants get more than privates and generals get done on both sides.

jennypenney Fri 11-Mar-11 17:53:37

And of course not treading on the lines, in case the bears get me.

FellatioNelson Fri 11-Mar-11 20:17:23

Every day after I've dropped my children off at school, I have a board meeting with myself on the drive back home about what are the most important things to achieve that day. Out loud. I used to mumble, or stop if passers by saw me, because I was clearly alone in the car, but since hands free car phones were invented I can chat away loudly and animatedly and no-one outside can ever tell that I am not an important business woman on her way to a meeting and talking to her secretary, but just a mad lady who is driving in her slippers.

I have a fridge that has a mirrored door. It is like one of those trick mirrors that makes you look really slim and tall. The further away you stand the slimmer and taller you get. Sometimes, I stand as far back as I can, hitch up my skirt and admire my beautiful size 8 self, and my gorgeous long slender legs. Then I pull poses, and sexy facial expressions, like I am a top model being photographed. I really am extremely good, even if I say so myself.

medicalmayhem Fri 11-Mar-11 20:25:46

fellatio thats soo funny about hands free kits in cars , that's exactly what i do now, oh the freedom its brought being able to chat away to yourself, without being stared at!

TaudrieTattoo Fri 11-Mar-11 20:36:34

I say "pardon me" whenever I fart, even on my own. But over the years it's evolved into something that sounds like "maname", and the dses accused me of grunting after a fart the other day, so I've obviously got even lazier.

I practice the ballet moves I learned 30 years ago.

I imagine I'm in a film when going about my business.

I look over my shoulder and smile in the mirror when leaving my bedroom.

I suck my tummy in when I get on the bathroom scales.

I perform concerts along with the ipod whilst stacking the dishwasher.

I have endless conversations with randoms when out walking the dogs.

I imagine myself in a Crimewatch reconstruction when out and about.

Dunoon Fri 11-Mar-11 21:02:24

As a devoted murder mystery reader and CSI watcher I solve crimes all the time and am often interviewed by the police [in my head] since I alone hold vital clues and can work out who the murderer is.
Do ballet plies in the kitchen whilst cooking dinner.
Get cross with inanimate objects "Don't do that!"as the end of the bed leaps out to jab me in the thigh.
Growl when annoyed. Only realised this when the children started doing it too.
I rescue snails too and bees and spiders. Have been known to go into shops which have bees trapped in their windows and rescue the bee. Don't rescue wasps or flies but still feel sorry for them and do rescue them at home.

Lib79 Sat 12-Mar-11 22:18:49

Genius!! But foundwanting has had me in stitches!!

Glad I'm not the only one blatently too old to be scared of monsters / axe murderers who are only defeated by your duvet.

I menace my dog by staring threateningly at her until she starts barking and we run around the house together playing hide and seek.

I cannot see a flat piece of lawn without wanting to (and quite often actually) cartwheeling across it.

Today I got up on the adventure playground and did a few flips on the high bars then went across the monkey bars to show the DC how you do it. Then I realised there were about thirty parents looking like this shock. (I'm not that old! hmm)

I used to do this thing where if I was out walking I would say to myself something like I have to get to the next lamp post before the next car drives past me but I've had to stop doing it because I find it too stressful. And of course once I've said it (in my head) I can't retract it so if I don't make it I just feel a sense of failure! God, I need some sort of therapy for that one!

megsy74 Fri 18-Mar-11 00:40:39

My car was off the road so I found myself walking down the road singing out loud merrily (forgetting I was without car). I could have died when I did it standing next to a hip and trendy teen while we were waiting to cross a pedestrian crossing.
I contemplated posting this till I seen I wasn't the only one!

TheFlyingOnion Sat 19-Mar-11 13:35:52

I think you're strange if you don't talk to your pets

However conversations with my dog have now reached epic proportions and can often involve a long pause and then my saying "I think you're being unreasonable!" as if he's just given me 5 bullet points on why I should increase his treats or something...

I also make sure my feet are covered in case a ghost or monster gets me and drags me out of bed. blush <this was since i watched paranormal activity>

I have conversations with myself.

peeriebear Sat 19-Mar-11 23:47:45

I tell the cat I won't feed her unless she says "Meeeeeat!" ("SAY IT! SAY IT!!")
I try and put two fingers in the dog's nostrils but he never lets me. He also loves it when I put my hand in his mouth, grab his lower jaw and shake his whole head like some sort of lion tamer, he comes back again and again for that confused
I have to put DD2's teddies (longtime residents Teddington and Persil) under her blanket with their heads on the pillow when she gets up. They have earned their rest!

peeriebear Sat 19-Mar-11 23:51:40

Oh, and mooing at cows when I pass their field. Every time.

Bogeyface Sun 20-Mar-11 09:18:10

We say "Bon jour" to cows blush

Its to see if they speak french because we managed to convince DD1 (now 13 but about 5 at the time) that french cows say "le moo". She is now in on it and goes along with the joke with her younger siblings!

Not found any french cows yet though sadly

Weeping with laughter at the gymnastic finishes - especially Gibbonz essential "And Present!"

I hold on to the work top as though it was a ballet barre and do what I imagine to be elegant plies, again whilst watching my reflection in the oven door.

And sometimes if I've been wearing my reading glasses and had my hair up, when I take my glasses off, i shake my hair out, then put my hands on my hips and pout. The shame.

SlightlyB0nkers Sun 27-Mar-11 19:15:43

I curse bad drivers. Not curse words but more like I pretend I'm a witch and put a curse on them. Eg. Breaking a red light - may he get home and find his tv isn't working or she'll do a whiffy fart infront of somebody she was trying to impress.

I have to always come up with different curses and they can't be anything permanent or too mean, lest karma comes back and bites me.

I say "hellooooo" in a mooing voice to cows when I pass them. They do notice so don't feel too silly

I shout "horse" whenever I see one when travelling in the car. Which is everytime.

I sing alot, instead of just saying something, I'll pretend I'm in a musical. Dd loves it and so do I

PetitPiaf Sun 27-Mar-11 21:55:23

I am doing mad little shoulder shake laugh at this tread. DH thinks I've lost it this time. If only he knew that I...

1)Pretend to be in a cookery show when cooking (based on my real life as a working mum, natch)
2)Imagine that my DH and I have divorced, he is marrying someone else and I am racing to the venue to stop it and declare my love for him (a la Richard Curtis film)
3)Stand in ballet poses on the bus and imagine that fellow passengers think I am a real life ballet dancer

Thanks for the thread, OP. It has brightened my Sunday night!

Valpollicella Tue 29-Mar-11 21:33:31

If I walk past a pay and display parking machine in the street where I live I have to press the white big button.

I have to say the same 'goodnight' to DS every night - otherwise he will be ill in the nighthmm

If I get a soft drink with those weirdy buttons on the lid (usually interacting if it's a diet whatever), I have to squash them all down before I can put the straw in.

This is called 'killing the spider' and needs to be done otherwise some great calamity will befall me.

Mamathulu Thu 31-Mar-11 15:05:38

The car had to go into the garage last Friday, so I took DS and DD to school on the bus - I had to physically bite my lip to stop myself from singing along with the ipod on the way home!

Joekate Fri 01-Apr-11 14:44:40

I pretend that Jamie Oliver is sitting on my work top when I'm making the tea and asking me cookery type questions. We have ace conversations and he praises me on the amount of veg I give the kids.

I have full blown arguments with my Mum/DH in my head and have everything all worked out so I don't get mad at them in RL. DH has noticed me doing this, because I move my lips and now says "who's getting it in the neck this time and why?"

Blimey I sound like a loon smile

BringBackGoingForGold Fri 01-Apr-11 15:10:02

This thread's fucking great. I do lots of these, or variations on them. Also:

I talk to the birds as I sit and watch them flit about the garden. Well, shout to them as usually I watch them through the closed French windows. I also smile at dogs (already mentioned).

I say 'baaaa' to sheep and goats (as opposed to talking to them normally as with some other animals. Don't know why.)

I take my socks off when I'm sitting with my legs crossed and feet dangling so when the cats rub round my feet it feels nicer for me. I also did the 'whatever' sign to one of the cats recently when I shouted her and she ignored me.

I furiously give the Vs to my computer if it does something I don't like, or if I'm reading something on it that annoys me. (I never stick up my middle finger though; that's too violent and serious).

I re-run debates and arguments in my head and, this time round, win them.

I put one leg up on the kitchen work surface and stretch as if I was a dancer.

I make up entire scenarios in my head where I bump into all the slebs I'm currently obsessed by in an innocuous situation but one where they are then forced to interact with me. I dazzle them with my wit/charm/foxiness.

I rifle through clothes gathering dust at the back of the cupboard and shake them out, sigh and grumble and then put them back, to go unworn some more.

I assume a thoughtful stare into the middle distance when I'm sitting on the tube with a book, so I imagine I look intellectual but all I'm thinking about is 'God, this book's boring' or 'Shit, I don't get this book, I'm so stupid'.

IHate, I LOVE that you race your dog down the stairs. And make fun of him. grin

BringBackGoingForGold Fri 01-Apr-11 16:11:10

lolo, try Japanese-style toe socks with your flip-flops. http://www.tabio.com/uk/detail/000027487/

BringBackGoingForGold Fri 01-Apr-11 16:11:45
BringBackGoingForGold Fri 01-Apr-11 17:13:16

Thought of another, although this is more 'sad' than weird ...

I go back through my diary and smile/grimace/whatever to be reminded of social and other occasions and what happened/how they went. blush

BringBackGoingForGold Mon 04-Apr-11 19:22:04

Have I killed this, then? Please come back, people; this thread has really made me giggle!

myflabberisgasted Tue 05-Apr-11 08:28:14

I also do the singing along to the radio in the shower / bath and pretend to be in a music video. I also do it in the car when a really good song comes along and I pretend to drive seductively with one arm on the steering wheel and pretend my wing mirror is the camera recording my amazing video!!

I have arguments in my head with my DH about totally random stuff, I always win of course wink

When i'm mopping up in the kitchen and listening to my ipod at the same time I dance with my mop and also use it as a microphone on a stand!

I'm sure there's many more I just cant think of them at the moment!

0891 Tue 05-Apr-11 08:40:01

I am very superstitious about magpies and fear doom if I see one on it's own.

I was told as a child that spitting cancels out the bad luck, but as I couldn't bring myself to spit I got into the habit of letting out a tiny bubble of spit when I see one magpie. I still do.

Recently, I did my usual little spit bubble at the magpie, only misjudged the amount of saliva in my mouth and dribbled all down my chin, just as a couple of the Alpha Mummies from the toddler group walked past. They've avoided me ever since, so every cloud, and all that... grin

BringBackGoingForGold Tue 05-Apr-11 09:25:10

0891, could you salute the magpies instead? Less messy ...

0891 Tue 05-Apr-11 09:40:09

saluting? that would just make me look like a crazylady grin

BringBackGoingForGold Tue 05-Apr-11 09:45:20

Personally, I'd probably rather salute than dribble down my chin ...
<salutes magpies already, must be known as local crazylady>

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