I SO nearly became a local news story this morning. it involved a cow and a LOT of mud

(198 Posts)
hatwoman Tue 29-Jun-10 11:00:14

I live in the country and have developed a healthy wariness of cows. This morning, I had to put into action my cow-escape plan, after a frisky young fella mistook "piss off" for "come right up and start mooing, jumping and kicking at me". The plan, hatched months ago, was meant to be a simple wade across a stream - annoying and inconvenient but better than a fight with a cow. I had not anticipated that I would find myself knee deep, and sinking, in mud, and shoulder deep in water. Shit, I thought, I'm actually in trouble here, this could go horribly wrong, this would make Look North (it's amzaing how much you can think and how time seems to slow down). Fortunately after grappling around a bit I got suffient purchase on an overhanging branch to be able to haul myself across and out the other side. The dog thought it was brilliant fun. My mobile is less happy about it all. It's a bloody good job I have an inclination to see the funny side of things.

hatwoman Tue 29-Jun-10 15:54:25

oh thank you mn - you've all made me laugh so much. I love your story clanger. if there's one thing worse than being kicked in the head by a cow it's being kicked in the head by a cow infront of a load of students. grendel - my first boyfriend got a cow for his birthday. everyone else was getting walkmans and Bon Jovi albums.

LeninGoooaaall Tue 29-Jun-10 16:06:44

Oh dear TheSmallClanger that really isn't funny at all but I'm laughing.

A yak lent on me in the dead of night when I was a tent in the Himalayas once. I poked it in the ribs.

LeninGoooaaall Tue 29-Jun-10 16:07:17

Leant rather, I didn't fumble around for its purse.

LeninGoooaaall Tue 29-Jun-10 16:07:51

That correction sounds a lot worse than if I'd just left it.

booyhoo Tue 29-Jun-10 16:10:13

is it wrong to wish your dog could have taken a picture? grin

dotterel Tue 29-Jun-10 16:30:37

Is anyone else now singing: ''Cows. Huuuuar! What are they good for? Absolutely nothing., Say it again...good god y'all etc etc''?

(except for milk. obviously..)

TheSmallClanger Tue 29-Jun-10 16:40:55

I am now.

LeninGoooaaall Tue 29-Jun-10 16:41:09

Well I wasn't but now you've put it in my head...

Poledra Tue 29-Jun-10 16:42:34

V funny thread!!

Hatwoman, my sister is a beef farmer - she keeps Big Sticks at the gates to all of her fields, and never goes into a field without one. grin

"Cows. Huuuuar! What are they good for? Absolutely nothing"

Wasn't that the number one song from Farmer goes to Hereford ?

ithankyou

Eleison Tue 29-Jun-10 17:15:58

I love all these stories. Especially SwansEatQuince as the cow-averse farmer. Actually our nearest farmer is always a bit white faced in the calving season. As I walk on the footpath through his farm he stops me all wild-eyed to tell me how much he hates having to go near them when they have young.

The horse plan seems a bit easier to formulate. It is basically 'don't have an inflatable lobster', I think?

FellatioNelson Tue 29-Jun-10 17:28:43

PMSL at dotterel

I fancy that the Huuaaarrr noises ought to be accompanied by a theatrical display of Kung Fu/Karate movements made in slow motion, in the general direction of the cows. They'll back off then for sure.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Tue 29-Jun-10 18:20:25

It's a loud, confident, sudden 'huuuaaarrr' acompanied with flinging your arms out. DH was having trouble taking huuaar practice seriously but I know there will cone a day he will be glad I gave up my time to learn to huuarr.

There was a moment after training in her kitchen when it sounded as if the cows in the field behind her house were in the garden. Apparently they get in sometimes and I had visions of having to go out and practice my new found skill and being out huuaared by her 3 year old DD who is a remarkably proficient huuaarer for her size.

hatwoman Tue 29-Jun-10 19:33:46

is it very wrong of me to take pleasure from the fact we're having spag bol tonight?

Ponders Tue 29-Jun-10 19:42:27

dead cow bol you mean?

Ponders Tue 29-Jun-10 19:43:44

oh no - spag dead cow bol is better

Booboobedoo Tue 29-Jun-10 19:55:05

I'm huaar-ing like a loon on my own in the living room.

The dog is bemused, but seems unafraid.

I've been cornered by horses several times in the past.

The last time it happened, I scrambled up a tree (thank goodness for country childhood), and had to stay up there for two hours until they got bored and wondered off.

The buggers.

edam Tue 29-Jun-10 21:24:43

Geese are flipping scary. Used to cower in the car when we visited farming friends who had guard geese until the mother came out and shooed them away!

I gave up having anything to do with horses when I realised I just didn't have what it takes to show them I am the boss. Horsey people have a sense of command that I do not share! When my sister was thrown off, she went and got the horse and rode him round and round the ring until he was knackered and knew she was in charge. The woman in charge of the stables approved. When I was thrown off, I ended up in an ambulance and I think the horse knew he'd won!

FellatioNelson Tue 29-Jun-10 21:35:51

We were accosted by a gang of anti-social geese on the river-front at Hebden Bridge one sunny afternoon last summer. They'd been binge drinking I think, and wanted a fight. We looked like easy targets. It was scary. Broken Britain.

edam Tue 29-Jun-10 21:36:57

ah, yes, in Hebden Bridge they were probably pagan geese, who are notorious for their independent spirit and general lack of conformity. grin

Twink Tue 29-Jun-10 22:32:14

Congrats Hat, you've got me off our 'usual' thread for the first time in ages!

Had to go for a wee so I didn't PMSL blush

I too have amazed myself with my latent high-jumping technique over a 5 bar gate when confronted with 20+ young ones and their mums racing down a hill to say 'hello'. I was quite miffed as I'd decided NOT to run across their field in case they were nervous so was happily ambling with my running friend when they started, even with the sterotypical foot stamp first.. PANIC!!!

I'm not a city girl and never expected I'd be admitting to cow problems. I am also sorely disappointed that Hat's mobile was too trashed to take a photo in mid-river!

elliemental Wed 30-Jun-10 08:02:54

the animals are revolting!

They are joining forces to intimidate us humans in revenge for years of oppression and, er being made into Greggs sausage rolls. And fois gras.

Run for the hills!
<<spots flock of sheep>>
Run away from the hills!

SwansEatQuince Wed 30-Jun-10 10:13:35

At least sheep run away every time someone comes near them. Now, this is good for walkers but not good for the farmer especially when we do not have a dog. Muggins here tries to run about twit like making 'hoop hoop' noises. We are shearing them today and I know things will all go Pete Tong.

Have you ever noticed that cattle can be miles away from you (and without seeing how they do it) the next thing they are right round you. Sneaky cows.

Eleison Wed 30-Jun-10 10:25:16

Sheep round our way run away when you face them, but when you turn your back and carry on walking, you can hear the tappy-tap-tap of their little feet as they follow you menacingly. Then you whirl round and they are all innocently nibbling grass and enjoying the sun, etc.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Wed 30-Jun-10 11:08:06

I've just moved my ponies to a farm with cows. They terrify me, so I had. Chat with the farmer about my escape plan. He said basically, they are quite safe, but can be easily spooked or upset when there are calves around. The calves lie and hide in the long grass and if you get too close by accident the cows can get agitated. He says it is best not to take dogs in but if you must, keep them on a lead. If the cows get close and look like they might go for the dog, LET IT GO! It's the dog they are after usually. Other than that, just do the flappy arn HHUuaARr! thing!
Here endeth the lesson for today! grin

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