I SO nearly became a local news story this morning. it involved a cow and a LOT of mud

(198 Posts)
hatwoman Tue 29-Jun-10 11:00:14

I live in the country and have developed a healthy wariness of cows. This morning, I had to put into action my cow-escape plan, after a frisky young fella mistook "piss off" for "come right up and start mooing, jumping and kicking at me". The plan, hatched months ago, was meant to be a simple wade across a stream - annoying and inconvenient but better than a fight with a cow. I had not anticipated that I would find myself knee deep, and sinking, in mud, and shoulder deep in water. Shit, I thought, I'm actually in trouble here, this could go horribly wrong, this would make Look North (it's amzaing how much you can think and how time seems to slow down). Fortunately after grappling around a bit I got suffient purchase on an overhanging branch to be able to haul myself across and out the other side. The dog thought it was brilliant fun. My mobile is less happy about it all. It's a bloody good job I have an inclination to see the funny side of things.

Ponders Tue 29-Jun-10 11:02:31


Glad you are still here, my dear smile

OnlyWantsOne Tue 29-Jun-10 11:02:39

you nutter... glad your ok though

so you won't be on Look North now (disappointed)hmm
Getting peoples hopes up huhwink

hatwoman Tue 29-Jun-10 11:06:29

I do keep wondering if I over-reacted...but the stream looked less threatening than the cow.

Hassled Tue 29-Jun-10 11:08:10

You need to go back to the stream and make a bridge, so you're better prepared the next time. And maybe find a hollow in a nearby tree to stash some waders, rolled down ready in a fireman sort of way.

Glad you're OK .

hatwoman Tue 29-Jun-10 11:15:01

I'm actually wondering about the feasibility of a campaign...to get farmers to facilitate escape routes. there are a couple of fields near me that are just no-go in teh summer - because the walls are topped with barbed wire - if it weren;t for that I'd go there as I'd know that if it came to it I could get over the wall. the thing is I know farmers are under extraordinary pressure and I don't want to add to it.

You need a chat with Slubber. I swear I saw a thread started by her enthusing about freshly washed bulls in the middle of the night.

Someone tell me I didn't dream it?

Tomatefarcie Tue 29-Jun-10 11:26:53

Stream it would have been for me as well, had I been in your situation.

I once saw Dh try to fly while being chased by a whole herd of cows (well, he was running very fast and flapping his arms a lot. Didn't manage to take off, but did an amazing dive over the gates type of thing. -had visions of me flashing him a 10.0 score card grin).

LeninGoooaaall Tue 29-Jun-10 11:31:19

I'm always planning things like this, there are loads of shared commons here near water. Could you have leapt it or waded in nearer the edge or something? I'd hate not having an escape plan.

Also wonder if the idea of lying flat and staying still in quick sand actually works? I need to know, just in case.

littlepinkpear Tue 29-Jun-10 11:44:47

I love the word purchase. Makes me smile when I see it used in that context grin

Eleison Tue 29-Jun-10 11:49:57

I got surrounded by cows of ill-intent once and I put into action the action plan that I had thought out on the spot.

The plan was: throwing loose change at the cows. It didn't work. Luckily the farmer showed up at just that moment to, as he put it, count the cows. "Don't mind me," he said, "I am just counting the cows." He didn't try to rescue me until I begged him. Then he said "Huar" to the cows and waved his hands and they all walked away.

GrendelsMum Tue 29-Jun-10 11:57:42

This is totally true.

I once saw a man turn a herd of stampeding yaks by jumping up from where he was having a nice lie-down and a smoke, doing a star jump, and shouting 'Yaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrr'.

Yaks took one look and swerved to where he wanted them.

That's my plan if pursued by cows of ill intent.

LeninGoooaaall Tue 29-Jun-10 12:00:04

I could do that if protecting my DC and I know full well that I can't outrun them. Should just avoid these areas really and mostly do.

Do we file "plan if pursued by cows of ill intent" next to "zombie plans" ?

Or is there a whole new file to be opened here - subtitled

"Countryside distress plans"

Do let me know. grin

Eleison Tue 29-Jun-10 12:02:27

I was just thinking something like that.grin

We need a Mumsnet Cows Plan. And, to be on the safe side, a Mumsnet Zombie Cows Plan.

Doyouthinktheysaurus Tue 29-Jun-10 12:11:02

shock Glad you survivied to tell the tale hatwoman You are made of tougher stuff than me.

I have been known to turn tale and retreat the way I came when faced with a herd of cows....and that was on my bike. I could have out cycled them but it just seemed easier not togrin

PMSL Eleisongrin

hatwoman Tue 29-Jun-10 12:17:14

I did a one handed star jump. and made various noises. but it was a young thing and I don't think it had got to that page of the rule book yet.

am shuddering at the idea of zombie cows.

QualityTime Tue 29-Jun-10 12:21:10

I grew up in the middle of farming country. Yelling at cows only works if they haven't seen you or you are scary farmer man.
I would walk miles out of my way to avoid a field of cows, especially if there are calves!

TheSmallClanger Tue 29-Jun-10 12:25:10

The recommended course of action is to stand your ground, don't turn round, make yourself big and make some sort of "huarrrrrr" noise.

It doesn't always work. I think I have shared my cow crisis story on here, and I don't want to hijack hatwoman's thread.

JJ Tue 29-Jun-10 12:29:19

I have a cow plan even though I'm in London and there are no cows around. It involves me having a dog, too, and I don't have a dog. It might not be the best plan.

That having been said, I thought that cows don't like dogs (don't most people who get attacked do so because of the dogs?), so I would send the dog away to its death (I don't like dogs all that much which might be why this plan works) whilst I scarpered. Am impressed by your creek escape and dedication to your dog.

I am prepared to accept that I might be making up the whole cow/dog loathing thing up in my head.

I don't like sheep either but that's slightly different because they are truly evil.

FellatioNelson Tue 29-Jun-10 12:29:20

This sounds exactly like the kind of thing that would happen to me. I live in the countryside but I'm utterly useless at it, am frightened of everything, and have no useful girls-scouting survival skills to speak of. At least you had your phone on you - I probably wouldn't have had mine knowing me. I would have been found dead four days later, petrified in dried mud/poo with hoof-prints on my face and two pining dogs at my feet.

Got my car stuck in a ditch last week as the result of a misguided country lane u-turn manoeuvre, and had to be towed out.

And I have had to walk home with one bare foot before now, when my shoe got sucked into a mud vortex. blush

FiveGoMadInDorset Tue 29-Jun-10 12:30:32

Don't go into a field with cows in.

SimplySparkling Tue 29-Jun-10 12:32:51

Can I suggest you take a length of Alkathene pipe with you next time. It really hurts to be whacked with a bit of this so I'd advise you not to hit anything very hard with it and to aim for a nice fleshy bit of the animal.

I've been meaning to buy myself a length of pipe since my dog got attacked by another local dog about 3 times the size and weight. I still haven't! [tut]

LeninGoooaaall Tue 29-Jun-10 12:36:39

Five, I am surrounded here, surrounded. They are on every common. Young bullocks too, disaster waiting to happen and I have seen them chase someone once.

<mutters, this is a city you know>

SwansEatQuince Tue 29-Jun-10 12:40:42

Please add my name to the MumsnetCowPlan.
We keep cattle and they scare me senseless - all doe-eyed and Vikki Pollard hair puffs but secretly they Up To No Good.

My dh makes me stand in a strategic place "So they won't go past you" hmm and when they do go past me, I get the blame for 'not standing correctly'.

hatwoman Tue 29-Jun-10 12:41:11

clanger, I don't think your cow story would count as a hi-jack at all. am loving this thread and I'm sure your story would only enhance it.

am pmsl at fellatio's ill-judged u-turn and general rubbishness.you love it really, I can tell.

LeninGoooaaall Tue 29-Jun-10 12:42:03

Chuckling at that Swans. I watched someone release some sheep the other day and nearly get bowled over in the process.

hatwoman Tue 29-Jun-10 12:42:40

the weird thing is I grew up in teh country and used to laugh at people who were scared of cows. now I've returned as a grown up I've realised that they were right all along.

FiveGoMadInDorset Tue 29-Jun-10 12:42:42

Sorry thought they were in fields rather than on a common. Makes life very difficult when waslking dogs, mothers and bullocks the worst. Like your escape plan though.

edam Tue 29-Jun-10 12:49:23

Oh dear, poor hatwoman!

Me too re. thinking fear of cows was daft when I was young. Possibly because kids and teenagers are less risk averse, possibly the arrogance of youth (anyone who was attacked must have been a townie who didn't know what they were doing), possibly because I've not lived in the countryside or helped out on a farm for years so don't encounter cows on a regular basis any more. I can now see my younger self was an idiot on this as on so many other fronts. grin

When I did used to hang round my friend's farm, once their herd of cows crushed a calf when they all rushed to get to the feed trough. So there is good reason to be wary! (Her Dad, normally a very unemotional Yorkshire farmer, went off on his own until his eyes were dry again that day, bless him.

FellatioNelson Tue 29-Jun-10 12:50:21

PMSL at Swans - you are a rubbish farmer's wife. Bet you haven't even got ruddy cheeks and a headscarf.

FellatioNelson Tue 29-Jun-10 12:53:12

PMSL at Swans - you are a rubbish farmer's wife. Bet you haven't even got ruddy cheeks and a headscarf.

SwansEatQuince Tue 29-Jun-10 12:54:52

If you think about it, cattle are about six foot tall at their highest point and they weigh hundreds of kilos plus are very protective of their offspring. Bulls, however are plainly mental and unpredictable.

Add to that when they go 'feisty' if they are attacked by clegs and midges or stung by wasps.

hatwoman - I'm glad you are ok

SwansEatQuince Tue 29-Jun-10 12:57:52

I have cheeks like a 'skelped arse' Fellatio and am a rubbish wife. grin

The headscarf is usually keeping the bailer held together....

dotterel Tue 29-Jun-10 13:05:05

I am laughing at leningooal's ''release the sheep'' - way more sinister than ''release the hounds'', no?

Hatwoman - were you wearing leather shoes...hmmm?

We got terrorised by an arsey horse in a field once. It is a huge meadow by the river with a footpath to a lovely pebbly beach and we have gone there for years to paddle and bbq and fish for minnows etc.

well one year, this horse who had hitherto paid us no notice, came and menaced us. He attacked the children's inflatable lobster (not a sight I'll forget in a hurry, I can tell you! grin) stole sausages from the bbq shock, and came up alongside Dh and leaned on him. DH is scared of horses anyway, so it was left to me, faced with massive carthorsey feet versus my little flip-flopped ones, to try and shoo Dobbin away, all the time trying to reassure the children who were sobbing hysterically.
Well he turned round and did that horsey-teeth-baring thing at me!
He won, we packed up and left...blush

FellatioNelson Tue 29-Jun-10 13:07:07

I wouldn't mess with horsey teeth either.

Ponders Tue 29-Jun-10 13:15:21

LOL at leaning - very intimidating behaviour grin

I am shocked about the sausages, dotterel - when you say stole do you mean ate???

dotterel Tue 29-Jun-10 13:17:22

yeah, snaffled them! Ate! chomped! (so, a bullying cannibalistic horse. Do I win?)

Acanthus Tue 29-Jun-10 13:19:41

Come on clanger, tell us, it can't be a hijack this thread is about cows grin

LetThereBeRock Tue 29-Jun-10 13:23:16

It wasn't a cannibalistic horse unless they were horsemeat sausages so you haven't won yet.

Great story though. It made me laugh,even if at your misfortune.grin

pre children I have been pursued by a field of bullocks and escaped by

A running v fast then

B doing a one handed vault over the 5 bar gate

Obv I can't do this now because

A I can't run fast any more <wobbling flesh>


B knackered wrist from too much MN typing ahem

shoshe Tue 29-Jun-10 13:56:07

I have just spat coke all over the baby asleep (well was asleep) next to me!

This is the funniest thread.

With me it's not cows, or horses, but geese.

Grandfather used to keep them, the hen house was in the same place, I used to get sent out to collect the eggs, I would only go if I took a broom, bloody geese used to chase me spitting, I would jump the fence into the hen enclosure then scream, ill my Dad came and saved me.

And the parents wondered why I hated going to the Farm!

WynkenBlynkenandNod Tue 29-Jun-10 14:12:00

Oh goodness Hatwoman, I do worry about cows, especially since getting the dog. So much so that when up with friend in Somerset (dairy farmer's daughter) the other weekend, I made her supervise my 'huaar' to check my technique is OK.

I passed in her back garden but am worried that I might squeak a bit in a real life situation and the idea of charging cows is too much to think about.

SwansEatQuince Tue 29-Jun-10 14:25:07

dh tells me that a 'cush cush' is sufficient...hmm

Sorry, but I just tried it on the cat only to have it laugh ignore. No way would a herd of cattle behave if I cush cushed them.

We had a massive Norfolk Black turkey. Note the word 'had'. You needed an open golf umbrella just to go in and feed him.

maybe DH meant "cosh cosh"

Doyouthinktheysaurus Tue 29-Jun-10 14:56:27

Oooh, maybe you could give 'huaar' lessons Wynken, is it high pitched, low pitched, do you have to have accompanying flapping arms?

You need to educate us. Keep us safe from those mnetter hating cowsgrin

I imagine a "huaar" to need accompanying by a Hiemlich manoeuvre of some kind

TheSmallClanger Tue 29-Jun-10 15:38:43

Okay, someone wanted the cow story.

I teach at an agricultural college which has its own small "training herd" of cattle. I can see them from my window now.
They are normally docile, and are used to being handled, and normally tolerate my presence. Apart from one day three or so years ago, that is.
There had been a bit of disturbance with other animals being moved around, plus a thunderstorm iirc, so they were a bit antsy. The oldest one was being very belligerent with me, so I tried my making-myself-big and huarrr-ing, in an attempt to let the students watching me think I was in control.
As I tried moving them through a gate, the big one went nuts (no other way of describing it) and kicked me in the head. Luckily, cows are stupid and do not have good aim, and it was a glancing blow. I backed off and then ran.
Despite escaping from bovine violence, I managed to break one of my metatarsals (like Wayne Rooney) running away, fell over and still looked like a prize twat. And it hurt.

GrendelsMum Tue 29-Jun-10 15:46:26

I think there's scope for a comparative study of yak farmers in Central Asia and dairy / beef farmers in the UK. Is the 'huaaaaaaarrrr' noise universal? Do people make themselves look big in the same way around the world? etc etc. Funding from the ESRC would almost certainly be available.

When I first met DH, many, many years ago, he had a photo of his best cow all scrubbed up on his pin board in his room smile

hatwoman Tue 29-Jun-10 15:54:25

oh thank you mn - you've all made me laugh so much. I love your story clanger. if there's one thing worse than being kicked in the head by a cow it's being kicked in the head by a cow infront of a load of students. grendel - my first boyfriend got a cow for his birthday. everyone else was getting walkmans and Bon Jovi albums.

LeninGoooaaall Tue 29-Jun-10 16:06:44

Oh dear TheSmallClanger that really isn't funny at all but I'm laughing.

A yak lent on me in the dead of night when I was a tent in the Himalayas once. I poked it in the ribs.

LeninGoooaaall Tue 29-Jun-10 16:07:17

Leant rather, I didn't fumble around for its purse.

LeninGoooaaall Tue 29-Jun-10 16:07:51

That correction sounds a lot worse than if I'd just left it.

booyhoo Tue 29-Jun-10 16:10:13

is it wrong to wish your dog could have taken a picture? grin

dotterel Tue 29-Jun-10 16:30:37

Is anyone else now singing: ''Cows. Huuuuar! What are they good for? Absolutely nothing., Say it again...good god y'all etc etc''?

(except for milk. obviously..)

TheSmallClanger Tue 29-Jun-10 16:40:55

I am now.

LeninGoooaaall Tue 29-Jun-10 16:41:09

Well I wasn't but now you've put it in my head...

Poledra Tue 29-Jun-10 16:42:34

V funny thread!!

Hatwoman, my sister is a beef farmer - she keeps Big Sticks at the gates to all of her fields, and never goes into a field without one. grin

"Cows. Huuuuar! What are they good for? Absolutely nothing"

Wasn't that the number one song from Farmer goes to Hereford ?


Eleison Tue 29-Jun-10 17:15:58

I love all these stories. Especially SwansEatQuince as the cow-averse farmer. Actually our nearest farmer is always a bit white faced in the calving season. As I walk on the footpath through his farm he stops me all wild-eyed to tell me how much he hates having to go near them when they have young.

The horse plan seems a bit easier to formulate. It is basically 'don't have an inflatable lobster', I think?

FellatioNelson Tue 29-Jun-10 17:28:43

PMSL at dotterel

I fancy that the Huuaaarrr noises ought to be accompanied by a theatrical display of Kung Fu/Karate movements made in slow motion, in the general direction of the cows. They'll back off then for sure.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Tue 29-Jun-10 18:20:25

It's a loud, confident, sudden 'huuuaaarrr' acompanied with flinging your arms out. DH was having trouble taking huuaar practice seriously but I know there will cone a day he will be glad I gave up my time to learn to huuarr.

There was a moment after training in her kitchen when it sounded as if the cows in the field behind her house were in the garden. Apparently they get in sometimes and I had visions of having to go out and practice my new found skill and being out huuaared by her 3 year old DD who is a remarkably proficient huuaarer for her size.

hatwoman Tue 29-Jun-10 19:33:46

is it very wrong of me to take pleasure from the fact we're having spag bol tonight?

Ponders Tue 29-Jun-10 19:42:27

dead cow bol you mean?

Ponders Tue 29-Jun-10 19:43:44

oh no - spag dead cow bol is better

Booboobedoo Tue 29-Jun-10 19:55:05

I'm huaar-ing like a loon on my own in the living room.

The dog is bemused, but seems unafraid.

I've been cornered by horses several times in the past.

The last time it happened, I scrambled up a tree (thank goodness for country childhood), and had to stay up there for two hours until they got bored and wondered off.

The buggers.

edam Tue 29-Jun-10 21:24:43

Geese are flipping scary. Used to cower in the car when we visited farming friends who had guard geese until the mother came out and shooed them away!

I gave up having anything to do with horses when I realised I just didn't have what it takes to show them I am the boss. Horsey people have a sense of command that I do not share! When my sister was thrown off, she went and got the horse and rode him round and round the ring until he was knackered and knew she was in charge. The woman in charge of the stables approved. When I was thrown off, I ended up in an ambulance and I think the horse knew he'd won!

FellatioNelson Tue 29-Jun-10 21:35:51

We were accosted by a gang of anti-social geese on the river-front at Hebden Bridge one sunny afternoon last summer. They'd been binge drinking I think, and wanted a fight. We looked like easy targets. It was scary. Broken Britain.

edam Tue 29-Jun-10 21:36:57

ah, yes, in Hebden Bridge they were probably pagan geese, who are notorious for their independent spirit and general lack of conformity. grin

Twink Tue 29-Jun-10 22:32:14

Congrats Hat, you've got me off our 'usual' thread for the first time in ages!

Had to go for a wee so I didn't PMSL blush

I too have amazed myself with my latent high-jumping technique over a 5 bar gate when confronted with 20+ young ones and their mums racing down a hill to say 'hello'. I was quite miffed as I'd decided NOT to run across their field in case they were nervous so was happily ambling with my running friend when they started, even with the sterotypical foot stamp first.. PANIC!!!

I'm not a city girl and never expected I'd be admitting to cow problems. I am also sorely disappointed that Hat's mobile was too trashed to take a photo in mid-river!

elliemental Wed 30-Jun-10 08:02:54

the animals are revolting!

They are joining forces to intimidate us humans in revenge for years of oppression and, er being made into Greggs sausage rolls. And fois gras.

Run for the hills!
<<spots flock of sheep>>
Run away from the hills!

SwansEatQuince Wed 30-Jun-10 10:13:35

At least sheep run away every time someone comes near them. Now, this is good for walkers but not good for the farmer especially when we do not have a dog. Muggins here tries to run about twit like making 'hoop hoop' noises. We are shearing them today and I know things will all go Pete Tong.

Have you ever noticed that cattle can be miles away from you (and without seeing how they do it) the next thing they are right round you. Sneaky cows.

Eleison Wed 30-Jun-10 10:25:16

Sheep round our way run away when you face them, but when you turn your back and carry on walking, you can hear the tappy-tap-tap of their little feet as they follow you menacingly. Then you whirl round and they are all innocently nibbling grass and enjoying the sun, etc.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Wed 30-Jun-10 11:08:06

I've just moved my ponies to a farm with cows. They terrify me, so I had. Chat with the farmer about my escape plan. He said basically, they are quite safe, but can be easily spooked or upset when there are calves around. The calves lie and hide in the long grass and if you get too close by accident the cows can get agitated. He says it is best not to take dogs in but if you must, keep them on a lead. If the cows get close and look like they might go for the dog, LET IT GO! It's the dog they are after usually. Other than that, just do the flappy arn HHUuaARr! thing!
Here endeth the lesson for today! grin

Slubberdegullion Wed 30-Jun-10 14:24:42

Top thread grin

Am trying to imagine the up to your knees in mud in a 'oh shitting shit' moment. You would dfeffo have made Look north hatwoman.

Just to add to the mn cow plan I have personal experience of a cow's inability to jump very high. They can jump, but not very high.

A long time ago i was doing visits with my dad (a vet). He had to stop in at a farm and inject a cow with something (not semen). The farmer had (unhelpfully) left the cow in the yard rather than sticking it a stall.

The cow took one look at my dad brandishing the giant cow syringe, looked at the wall of the yard and then you could actually see it doing a mental calculation took off at the wall.
<cue inspirational mood music>
it did do a form of cow crouch in order to leap over the wall and then magestically lifted up into the air all of oooh maybe 15cm.

Giant hole in wall. Cow running and running. Just a cow running away.

My dad left a note for the farmer
'Cow better. See wall'

So yes, back to the point if you could get behing a low wall or even a thick bush you'd be safe. hth

Doyouthinktheysaurus Wed 30-Jun-10 14:42:48

PMSL Slubbergrin

Eleison Wed 30-Jun-10 14:51:16

roffle slubber. So the whole jumping over the moon thing is a lie?

But if they can smash through walls surely nowhere is safe. Not even here where we are typing from.

Slubberdegullion Wed 30-Jun-10 14:51:21

I think it may have been the first time I ever heard my father say Fuck.

Slubberdegullion Wed 30-Jun-10 14:52:25

It's a giant lie if that cow is anything to go by Eleison.

Yes, but the "cow crashed through the dry stone wall" doesn't scan quite so neatly, does it?

I have no cow stories, but I am PMSL at this thread, fab fab stories grin

Slubberdegullion Wed 30-Jun-10 15:38:53

it was a breeze block wall notwaving, with cement and everything. Power houses those cows are. tbh I think we should put them to some useful work before we eat them. Surely all that momentum (mass x speed) could be put to good use. How to make a cow carbon neutral etc.

loling @ nowhere is safe
[stealth cow paranoia]

I can't help feeling now that maybe Shawn the Sheep was in fact a hard-hitting documentary rather than a lighthearted animation.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Wed 30-Jun-10 19:30:25

Love the story Slubber! PMSL! Not so sure about the non jumping cow part of the escape plan though! Just after I arrived at the farm, something spooked the cows. Cue the younger more agile half of the herd clearing four strands of barbed wire, the top strand is about 4'6 high! Was like the grand national for cows! The older half of the herd went straight through the wire! Was really scary!

Slubberdegullion Wed 30-Jun-10 19:39:03

Woah. They are spritely cows you have there saggy.

OK so erase 'cows can't jump' from the cow plan.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Wed 30-Jun-10 20:03:29

Agile and really scary! Like your story better than mine though! grin

SwansEatQuince Wed 30-Jun-10 20:48:45

Slubber - that made me laugh a lot, it is like a scene from James Herriot!

I told dh and he said if you get a really wild herd, they can jump quite high and they scramble over one another to escape. So we can add Cows Do Jump to the escape plan.grin

Ponders Wed 30-Jun-10 21:00:31

Would it be a good idea to carry a very large metal pipe on one's person at all times, & hide inside it When Cows Attack?

Slubberdegullion Wed 30-Jun-10 21:08:58

Maybe they can't climb stairs? Like ye olde grey darleks.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Wed 30-Jun-10 21:12:40

I'm pretty sure they can't climb trees! Maybe we should add that to the plan?! If in doubt, abandon the dog and shin up the nearest tree!

Eleison Wed 30-Jun-10 21:13:12
hatwoman Wed 30-Jun-10 21:14:21

"eleison* we have a flock of black sheep near us that do that - but they don't eat grass when you turn round to see if they're following you. they just stand there stock still and stare at you. I think they're playing grandmother's footsteps.

SwansEatQuince Wed 30-Jun-10 21:15:15

And they can kick sideways.

[[http://www.edp24.co.uk/content/edp24/norfolk-life/norfolk-history/content/05CowTower. aspx Cow Tower with lots of steps...]

SwansEatQuince Wed 30-Jun-10 21:16:08
traceybath Wed 30-Jun-10 21:16:47

Love this thread.

There are cows in the field next to us - now I love cows - you know when they're at a distance.

We say hello and goodbye to them evertime we pass them.

But there's one - and he's the damian of the herd. He's black with white rings round his eyes - he scares me.

He's always the last one stood there staring at me as I cheerfully say 'bye cows' - he can smell my fear.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Wed 30-Jun-10 21:21:18

DD and I have a cow escape plan. If the cows appear, run like fuck!

SwansEatQuince Wed 30-Jun-10 21:23:45

No one has mentioned cow hair styles

LilRedWG Wed 30-Jun-10 21:27:29

I like this thread. It has made me smile for the first time today.

BeenBeta Wed 30-Jun-10 21:48:56

hatwoman - glad you are OK. That actually sounds very scary. In reality the cow (maybe it was actually a bullock) probably meant no harm.

The rules are as follows.

Dont go in fields with bulls or cows with calves as they are extremely dangerous. My Dad was nearly killed by a cow with a calf a few year ago. He is/was a farmer.

Never go in a field with a dog where there are cattle. Cattle will chase a dog. If you get caught with a dog by cattle throw the dog over the fence and the cattle will stop and look at the dog over the fence. The cattle will easily outrun you and the dog and may trample you otherwise.

Otherwise just try to stay calm. Cows and all other cattle are inquisitve and cant see very well so will come close up to you to sniff, lick and look at you. They are big and frightening but will go away (reluctantly) if you wave your arms and shout. Make yourself look big and noisy so they dont accidentally run into you.

FellatioNelson Wed 30-Jun-10 21:52:28

Swans That's not hair - that's a toupee. He may think he's blended it well to his natural colour, but I can still tell.

Eleison Wed 30-Jun-10 22:02:04

Beenbeta, where would be the fun in all that? Much better to go with the MN rules:

1. The well-practised huaar
2. Running like fuck
3. Portable large pipe for climbing in
4. Climb a tree
5. Pacify cow with hairdo complement.

We need to fine-up the order, but other than that we are pretty sorted.

Eleison Wed 30-Jun-10 22:04:29

Mustn't forget

6. Wading through quicksand-stream

Olihan Wed 30-Jun-10 22:09:22

Right, as another frequent cow encounterer, I've committed the MN rules to memory.

We should add

6. Throw dog over nearest fence, imo.

What would be the best technique? Over arm lob or rugby-style low pass?

QueenofDreams Wed 30-Jun-10 22:13:13

THis thread has nearly made me PMSL.

I lived on a dairy farm when I was very young. The neighbouring farm had a really aggressive Red Angus bull that kept breaking through the fence to try and get at our cows. One day my parents had one of my aunts visiting, and were indoors chatting. My brother and I were in the front yard playing when the damned Bull from next door broke into the yard and started chasing us. Now I had some sense and ran hell for leather into the house. My brother on the other hand just ran round and round the yard with the bull chasing after him. I'd never seen my brother's chubby little legs move so fast. (needless to say I got my parents, although we did have a giggle at my brother going round and round and round)

We didn't keep geese thankfully - evil creatures.
Got chased by a sheep once in Derbyshire. The 'run like fuck' plan worked!

Glad Hatwoman has survived this experience. Cows are mean buggers.

I had to pick up both kids and run the entire length of the field (carrying 64 pounds of toddler) when I was surprised by cows and realised the smaller cows were calfs and there was only one way out and that was to turn round and go back. Bloody buggers surrounded us and the huaar thing, yes, works fine unless they are all round you and then you don't actually want them to run in any particular direction as they get confused and end up stampeding towards you <voice of bitter experience>.

DS also got knocked into a stream by a curious sheep. For an 18 month old (and me) it was quite traumatic. The sheep just ran up to see what he was and forgot to stop. Luckily he was unhurt and enjoyed lamb chops for tea. grin

And they know, I'm sure that you ate their cousin Bertie!

FellatioNelson Wed 30-Jun-10 22:31:48

Have we mentioned goats yet? They are the real bastards.

just look

<snort> at goat support grin

Ponders Wed 30-Jun-10 23:16:26

ooooooh - DD2 was savaged by a goat in the petting zoo at Camelot when she was about 8 - we have pictures. She has never recovered.

I will send her the link, she will feel so much better

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Wed 30-Jun-10 23:40:22

PMFSL at hurling the dog over the fence so the short sighted cows will go over too peer at it!
Cow 1- ' I say Daisy, what was that flying past? '
Cow 2 - 'i'm not sure Ermintrude, I think it might have been a dog but I don't have my glasses on. Shall we able over for a better look?'

I am literally crying with laughter!

SwansEatQuince Thu 01-Jul-10 08:44:33

I think we need to add 7. Tree assessment.

Thank goodness hatwoman's branch did not break as she was crossing the quicksand. This would have undermined her Cow Escape confidence. And forgive me hatwoman for crying with laughter at picturing that thought just as you were getting into your groove and everything.

Don't go near cows in Orkney as there are no trees there.

Olihan- I think the over-arm lob using the neighbour's fat pampered dog would be best.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 01-Jul-10 10:14:54

My neighbour has a Newfoundland!!!!

Eleison Thu 01-Jul-10 10:17:02

With large breeds the Mumsnet Plan will call for training them to throw you over the fence.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 01-Jul-10 10:48:49

I have nominated this thread for classics. What a scream! I was literally crying over throwing the dog and the hole in the wall!

BeenBeta Thu 01-Jul-10 14:08:54


Well, I will console myself with the thought that your dying wishes before you get trampled under the thundering hooves of a herd of cattle will be:

"Oooh, I wish I'd listened to that BeenBeta and thrown the dog over the fence". sad

Dont even get me started on carniverous pigs. grin.

SwansEatQuince Thu 01-Jul-10 14:24:20

Ohmy BeenBeta!
I was going to mention carniverous pigs earlier after having a Very Close Encounter with one a few years ago.
My son and I had gone for a walk and we wondered what the funny noise was coming from the other side of a long, large wall. I lifted my son up to get a good look and a massive slavering pig chose the same time to jump up and 'huaaar' at us. Cue Post Traumatic Shock and everything. shock

They really do have a million tiny, sharp yellow teeth and nasty breath.

FellatioNelson Thu 01-Jul-10 14:28:51

Who has been training the pigs to 'Huaaar' at scary humans?confused

elliemental Thu 01-Jul-10 14:30:33

Animal Farm, I tells 'ee,.....four legs gooood, two legs baaaaaa-d.

SwansEatQuince Thu 01-Jul-10 14:30:54

The fat, pampered neighbour's dog, Fellatio.

They do it in secret because they are in on it with the cows. <taps nose>

tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 01-Jul-10 14:44:40

Four legs REALLY BLOODY EVIL and all that.

Slubberdegullion Thu 01-Jul-10 14:48:00


I think my stairs plan still holds some merit. After all if a cow becomes un-enraged by studying a dog over a fence then I'm betting at least £5 if you mimed going up and down stairs, or even going down in a lift you would stop the cows in their tracks.

Having said all that I think you need a sofa or something to stand behind to pull off the going down stairs mime well.

There are inflatable camping sofas available but you'd have to factor in blowing up times vs cow charge velocity.

TheSmallClanger Thu 01-Jul-10 14:49:44

BeenBeta makes some good points. If cows approach you slowly, don't activate your Cow Plan just yet. It's a bit nerve-wracking when they decide to surround you, but if they're just mooching gently and staring, they aren't cross with you. They are just being nosey and stupid.
If a cow comes at you at speed, or erratically, that is when she means business.

Sheep try to do the same thing, but they are even thicker than cows, wimpy in comparison, and not at all dangerous. They can butt, and a normal-sized sheep will usually butt at bum/crotch height, which is embarrassing, but other than those with very large horns, they rarely injure anyone.

BeenBeta Thu 01-Jul-10 14:52:12

My parents have a photo of me age 2.5 toddling across a field full of outdoor sows with a bag of food in my hand shouting at the top of my toddler voice "Jeck, Jeck! Jeck!. Which (in case you need to know) is what you do when you want to attract a herd of hungry pigs.

My parents were stood behind the gate laughing and taking photos. The photo clearly shows the sows running towards me with their mouths open. hmm

Slubberdegullion Thu 01-Jul-10 14:55:49

What was no 1 on the cow plan?

Is it throw the dog or run away? Does one huarr and lob-the-dog simultaneously?

Eve Thu 01-Jul-10 14:56:40

was your dog on a lead?

cows with calves will protect calves from loose dogs?

Slubberdegullion Thu 01-Jul-10 14:58:14

OMG BeenBeta that is terrible. I was never allowed to pat the pigs at the Royal Veterinary College as they 'will have your fingers off'.

Slubberdegullion Thu 01-Jul-10 15:00:38

I'm assuming if you don't have a dog you don't need to take a stuffed cuddly version with you to throw over the hedge.

We need a flow chart in the plan.

1 Do you have a dog with you?
If yes go to 1A
If no go to Q2

1A Throw dog over fence

Ponders Thu 01-Jul-10 15:07:00

By SwansEatQuince Thu 01-Jul-10 14:30:54
The fat, pampered neighbour's dog, Fellatio.

For an awful moment there I thought your neighbour's dog was called Fellatio


TheSmallClanger Thu 01-Jul-10 15:07:06

My dog is the size of a water buffalo. I couldn't throw her over a matchbox without the help of a crane.

I keep her away from cows, because she's daft and they are frightened of her.

FellatioNelson Thu 01-Jul-10 16:14:44

confused Jeck Jeck, Hoop Hoop and Huaarrr?

How the hell decides all this vocabulary? Is it a recognised language, like Esperanto? Do they teach you this at agricultrual college?

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 01-Jul-10 16:35:20

Beenbeta, if I don't have a dog, would throwing my child be equally effective? Or what about someone elses dog? I quite often take my ferret for a walk, I think I could probably throw that a fair way in a crisis!

TheSmallClanger Thu 01-Jul-10 16:46:03

Not formally taught at ag. college, Fellatio, but definitely encouraged. We don't have pigs at ours, so "jeck jeck" is not on the curriculum, but huarr-ing and going hoophoophoophoophoop at sheep definitely is.

Eleison Thu 01-Jul-10 16:46:58

Strictly speaking (though it is a boring restriction of The Plan) I suppose we only need to throw a dog if we actually happen to have one? Cows being the dog-botherers they are, the dog-free should be safe enough without a missile.

It is the rural version of the whole 'Dogs must be carried on the escalators' thing that urbanistas face on the Tube.

BeenBeta Thu 01-Jul-10 17:06:19

Saggyold - child throwing (over fence) definitely a good plan an dtell it to start shouting and waving. If its a ferret, I'd tell it to go underground and start running myself.

SwansEatQuince Thu 01-Jul-10 17:18:49

Do you think cows have regional moos?

Do we shout 'huarr' and it sounds like 'ooh-arr' or what? <worried> Would a Highland cow understand me but, for example, a Hereford might make me repeat the 'huarr'?

Slubber- we may need to work on the sofa plan but the Marcel Marceauxing of steps is good.

shock at the toddler BeenBeta in the wild pig compound and photo of slavering pigs.

SwansEatQuince Thu 01-Jul-10 17:23:24

And for those of us without dogs, how about lobbing a guinea pig?

Ours are the size of a small dog with it's fur brushed backwards. They could neatly be carried in a handbag. <helpful>

Luckily I can't see myself having this problem, because cows have a restraining order against me. Because of where I work, I have to stay 10m away from cows and other livestock at all times.

So if cows of ill intent should try to thwart my good intentions to stay the bloody hell away from them and remain the legally binding distance away, I would tell them sweetly, "So you want foot-and-mouth then do you, Daisy? Come on then big girl, pucker up!"

RussAbbotDancer Thu 01-Jul-10 19:38:44

I live on a farm and for me the Cow Plan comes down to one thing: can you do that jump where you put one hand on a fence post and then throw rest of body over, clearing barbed wire by several inches and landing on feet? Or even just clearing the barbed wire.

I can't. I've been bullied to try it many, many times but much prefer the "hold the wire down and awkwardly step over while ripping hole in jeans" method. It means I get new jeans.

All I can do is hope that, under horned duress, I'll do a slow-mo sequence of lone-arm-wingery and land like a young gymnast. Maybe even making a Y-shape. While giving Vs to the cows.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 01-Jul-10 19:44:53

Okay, so before embarking on a walk,
1, check for cows.
2, check region for accent
3, research which words, 'huarr/jeck/Cush said cows respond to.
4, pack bag with inflatable sofa, huge metal pipe for hiding, rubber dinghy for escaping over water and guinea pig/ ferret/ small child / dog for throwing.
5, scope out field for available trees for shinning up, and fences for tossing over.
6, train dog/ child/ guinea pig to fly , ferrets to burrow and children to wave arms therefore distracting cows singly can escape.
7, in event of actual stampede, run like fuck!

Have I missed anything? ....

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 01-Jul-10 19:52:29

Amendment to part 4, don't forget waders, alkathene pipe and a big stick!

SwansEatQuince Thu 01-Jul-10 19:59:39

I think we need flippers and goggles too.

The flippers are handy for extra propulsion when doing the 'jump over barbed wire fence with one hand' and also for streams.

The goggles are purely for cow scaring.

Oh, and a megaphone for those of us who are quietly spoken.

Ponders Thu 01-Jul-10 20:24:27

do you think they would recognise a lasso twirled in a meaningful manner? (cowboy hat optional)

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 01-Jul-10 20:27:17

Crikey, you can see why farmers drive tractors and 4x4s can't you! It's for all the cow scaring equipment they need to carry!

BeenBeta Thu 01-Jul-10 20:46:41

saggyold - you need to add:

1a. Then check for breed and if its an [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ayrshire_cattle Ayrshire cow/bull retreat immediately as they are psychotic.


DingALongCow Thu 01-Jul-10 20:48:11

You need a decoy, someone younger, fitter, more agile and ultimately (if necessary) expendable to cross the field first and draw the attention of the cows so you can cross in relative safety.

Someone like an earnest 15 year old work experience girl

[supresses bitter memories]

Later you can get her to stand guard over your equipment in a field full of terrifyingly still, staring cows, armed only with a wooden metre rule and the instructions to 'run like bloody fuck if any of these buggers move'.

While you have a cup of tea in the safety of your car.

For an hour.

[supresses more bitter memories]

BeenBeta Thu 01-Jul-10 20:49:24
SwansEatQuince Thu 01-Jul-10 20:54:40

Why is it that you can deftly jump a fence one handed when no one is around to see it but when there are others around watching, you catch your foot on the top wire and drop like a stone into the nettles?

Right, we now have lots of equipment, decoy pets and children and have sniffed the air for regional dialect. We are twirling lassoos.
What about some music? This is supposed to soothe cattle but I'm thinking more Apocalypse Now Wagner type scary stuff.

Helicopters are hard to get so how about a Sholley with a built in CD for all our equipment and scare value?

SwansEatQuince Thu 01-Jul-10 21:01:03

Oh Good God. Those Ayrshires can weigh up to 1300 lbs and are "spirited".

The neighbouring farmer kept an insane Limosin bull and there was only a thin wire fence between it's field and us. It was an evil massive brute of a bull that went sideways at you (it thought it was crushing you).

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 01-Jul-10 21:03:06

Dingalong, am I sensing some well hidden bitterness in your post?
Swanseatquince, a sholley? We are going to need a truck!
As to music, what about the chariots of fire theme by vangelis, to inspire us when we run like fuck?!

SwansEatQuince Thu 01-Jul-10 21:16:26

Yes, Saggy, but you have to run in exaggerated slow motion to 'Chariots of Fire' by Vangelis and have a floppy hair do so I'll need to rethink mood music.

<passes Dingalong some hot sweet tea with a snifter of brandy>

DingALongCow Thu 01-Jul-10 21:20:13

Saggy- just a little bit grin. I was a particularly gullible and earnest teenager and it took FOUR fields (and running away from four herds) before I realised why he sent me ahead to 'find the stile' on the other side.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 01-Jul-10 22:57:14

Ok then, what about the funny Benny Hill music where their legs go nineteen to the dozen. Or the flight of the bumblebee?

PeedOffWithNits Thu 01-Jul-10 23:20:51

PMSL at this thread, especially

"Pacify cow with hairdo complement" - great distraction technique

could you also distract them with flattering comments about the superior tastiness of their butter, them being the best particluar cows in the world (watch their heads swell, then RUN)

just remember NOT to apply same logic to telling bulls what great beef they produce....

sheep are easy, EVERYONE knows you just gotta shout MINT SAUCE

PeedOffWithNits Thu 01-Jul-10 23:22:29

and another idea,just whip out an extra long rubber glove and say,in your best James Herriot voice - "come here daisy, this won't hurt (much)" - watch them turn and leg it!

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 01-Jul-10 23:27:42

Now that could just work! grin

Lotkinsgonecurly Thu 01-Jul-10 23:29:47

Or discuss their eyelashes. Compare the length of cows eyelashes with a camels. Set them an essay to do, and leave. ( Camels eyelashes are longer).

SwansEatQuince Fri 02-Jul-10 08:49:23

Have we thought about pretending to be one?

Cow costumes are available from most pantomime outfitters although you may need to take a friend to become the rear end. I suggest Linford Christie or Dame Kelly Holmes.

We could use the new Maybelline mascara as it promises to give you longer eyelashes than a cow or a camel....<snort>

This plan has an element of danger if rumbled

The Benny Hill music is perfect as we would all have to run zig-zag. You could canoodle on the sofa with the milkman whilst waiting for the cows to catch up.

Eleison Fri 02-Jul-10 09:26:44

I think that this bullfighter's style is influended by the MN Cow Plan.

Eleison Fri 02-Jul-10 09:31:42

He was ARRESTED for running away, so Cow Plan ought to involve bringing your lawyer on walks with you.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Fri 02-Jul-10 09:44:21

Well you could make your lawyer be the other half of the cow!!!
The costume thing wouldn't work though, I've been told I look like the back of a cow several times, and they still follow me in fields! sad

SwansEatQuince Fri 02-Jul-10 09:44:58

What a marvellous one handed leap over the gate. <in awe>

I am astonished that he went back in...

We could take lessons from the bullfighter's Cow Plan but throw the lawyer in first <cackle>

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Fri 02-Jul-10 09:51:20

AHA! Forget the dog/ferret/guineapig, you can just throw the lawyer over the fence! Swanseatquince, you are a genius!

SwansEatQuince Fri 02-Jul-10 10:24:08

I think Agricultural lawyers would make the best decoys and it is only apt ... <bitter>

FellatioNelson Fri 02-Jul-10 17:42:42

These cow plans and compliment/distraction dog/child throwing techniques are becoming increasingly complicated, not to mention impractical (thinking of carrying the hiding tube specifically now). I have a new proposition for you all. Machine gun. Small and light, (ish) and highly effective effective when used on several cows at once. And no need to learn a specialist language. They will understand the machine gun well enough. Then you can sling one over your shoulder and take it home for dinner.

PeedOffWithNits Fri 02-Jul-10 17:50:04

there is a slight hitch with your latest plan FN.

You would need to be extra careful you did not, in your haste, gun down a MNer and her lawyer cunningly disguised as a pantomine cow, who had previously been mobbed by the same unruly herd and were in hiding till a safe escape could be made

Hmmmm, how do we get round that one??

perhaps like the cops do in the films you should shout a warning -"if one of you is human come out with your hands up" and hope the cows don't try to pretend they are all MNers!


This is beginning to sound like something from 'allo 'allo!!

FellatioNelson Fri 02-Jul-10 18:07:49

Yes, we'd definitely need to devise some kind of a special code, or a secret masonic handshake or suchlike. (Being that it's so hard to tell a pantomime cow from the real thinghmm. Then you could bullet-spray the fuck out of them.

sad but then we'd be responsible for a traumatised motherless baby scenario - like in Bambi. shock

Ok, no good. Back to the hiding tube and dog-hurling....

SwansEatQuince Fri 02-Jul-10 18:33:02

I have thought of your latest plan often FN....

How about ditching all the equipment and throwing cowpats in their eyes. They will then stumble into each other and we can make a good escape. smile

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Fri 02-Jul-10 19:41:06

I still rather like my 'run like fuck' option! It's simple and lightweight!

QueenofDreams Fri 02-Jul-10 21:03:22

swanseatquince pretending to be one is a very bad idea. They'll all get curious about the newcomer. And you don't want a bull thinking you're a cow and getting curious about you confused Eek.

BeenBeta Fri 02-Jul-10 21:10:05

You can talk to a cow about all sorts of stuff once you get to know them. They are good listeners. A farmer I knew used to put Terry Wogan on for them while they got milked. They liked listening to him and gave more milk.

Never get them into conversation about milk yields though. Competitive lactation discussions never end well. smile

FellatioNelson Fri 02-Jul-10 21:41:27

That makes sense. You milk early in the morning as well, don't you - so FArming Today on Radio4 would be nice for them. I like to leave R4 on for my dogs when I go out. It soothes them.

101damnations Fri 02-Jul-10 21:45:34

I can huarr.I didn't know it was such an in demand talent.When we used to call our cows in for milking,we'd stand at the open door of the mlking parlour and bellow 'cooome oooonnn!' and they'd all come.Huarr did send them away again.

A friend of my dads used to have some Hindu chaps come out from Leicester for cow related religious reasons.One of them had his relations visiting and asked if he could show them our milking parlour,which my dad happily agreed too.The relations were very impressed with how modern it was [actually it was circa 1950],but when they stepped inside,there was an unfortunate incident.The visitors were wearing white outfits and the cows,seeing white coats,thought it was the vet,panicked,and did what cows do when they are frightened-they shat copiously everywhere.The visitors left happy with their visit,but much besplattered.

Maybe a white coat should form part of the cow plan?

FellatioNelson Fri 02-Jul-10 21:49:03

That's not impressive 101 I stand at my open front door every day and bellow 'cooome ooonnn!' at my children, for school. S'not a talent, it's just me nagging, apparently.

JaynieB Fri 02-Jul-10 21:49:25

If you have had a near miss with a cow/cows/bullocks whilst on a path, do report it to your local Council (Rights of Way or Countryside Service). There is genuine interest in the access profession about how many incidents go unreported.
Cows with calves are well known for being extremely protective of their offspring and there have been several incidents of serious accidents - although statistically the HSE say that numbers are not changing.
Bullocks can also be frisky and inquisitive - but I'd hesitate to enter a field of them!
I find a stick is useful to walk with - it gives you a tool to create space with, defend yourself a bit if needed too.
You may know this already, but if you're walking with dogs on leads and the cows attack, do let go of the lead - cows will usually follow the dog and chances are your dog will outrun them and come back to you when you've got to safety.
Sorry to be all serious!

SwansEatQuince Fri 02-Jul-10 23:24:10

Thankfully we are so far off the road that our cattle tend to escape to the 'forbidden' parts of the farm eg my garden or the hay fields.

The neighbouring farmer who has horizontal fences and an attitude problem, tends to wait for passing motorists and the like to usher his cattle off the road. I dislike him more than our evil cows.

Jaynie- Maybe it is just our area but we have found the Scottish equivalent of those services pretty apathetic and reluctant to come out so you tend to try and resolve the escapees yourself. There are always sheep out on the roads but they are fairly quiet roads.

Anyway, Jaynie is going with the 'lob the dog' option...wink

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 03-Jul-10 04:01:23

I was filling my pony's water buckets today, and as I bent over, one of the half grown orphan calves in the field with them headbutted me up the bum! Didnt arf make oi jump! I thought of our survival plan, but as the calves are actually quite cute and don't have an agressive mother in tow, I just scratched his head. There are loads of really scary looking cows and bullocks in the field next door, and the bull is in there at the moment. He keeps eyeing me up hungrily! If they attack I intend to climb up onto the top of my water tank and cry!

elliemental Sat 03-Jul-10 06:27:00

dress up as a cow? Pull the udder one...

SwansEatQuince Sat 03-Jul-10 09:29:27

They want to see heifer we can run...

FellatioNelson Sat 03-Jul-10 14:16:03

Oh dear. I feel obliged to add that you are all talking bullocks.

cheesesarnie Sat 03-Jul-10 14:26:16

dc find the cows on the school run(seriously!theyre always on the way to be milked at school run time,so whole bloody school is waiting)hilarious.especially when they give each other 'piggy backs'grin

SwansEatQuince Sat 03-Jul-10 14:47:02


Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sun 04-Jul-10 23:06:50

Spoke to my farmer today. he says let go of your dog and leg it!

Eleison Wed 07-Jul-10 21:14:10

They claim to be looking for Raoul Moat. But actually they are just taking the MN Cow Plan seriously.

Ponders Thu 08-Jul-10 11:19:44

I love that picture, Eleison grin

SwansEatQuince Thu 08-Jul-10 11:25:14

Raoul Moat has clearly been reading this thread and he is, in fact, dressed as the cow. I will now share the £10,000 reward with all the Cow Planners.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 08-Jul-10 15:57:53

Lol! I think we may have to rethink the whole cow costume thing, I'm judging by that picture, I'm never going to get my legs in it, mine are far too fat!

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 10-Jul-10 22:54:58

WAHEY! I asked for this thread to go n classics, now it's been in the roundup, it will! grin

Reading this thread has made insomnia most pleasurable - I am wiping away tears of laughter.

Mind you - I do remember my dad telling me about following a Brummy chap who was towing a caravan (yes, with his car), and found himself held up by a herd of cattle on the open common land near where my parents live. Said Brummy chap was rather impatient, so honked his horn and forced his way through the herd, instead of following them slowly and waiting til they moved off the road.

Sadly there was a bull with the herd (not sure why they were out of the field - perhaps they were doing their Duke of Edinburgh Award, or sommat), and he got all annoyed at the Brummy chap bullying his ladies, so with a casual swipe of his horn, he made a huge gash in the side of the chap's caravan - like using a massive tin-opener!

He wasn't happy but Dad was quite amused!

bev2102 Sun 11-Jul-10 06:21:53

Easy solutions to scare cows off;

~ Wear either white coat or green overalls (whatever vet wears in that area) and walk into field full of cows with the biggest needle and syringe you can find


~ Dress up as Ronald McDonald and walk into above said field

The cows will be more scared of you and run in the opposite direction as they'll think either the vet's come to give them an injection or McDonald's have sent a rep to choose the next burger!

However, if you don't have the correct outfit in your handbag or the aforementioned dog, ferret, small child, pipe to hide in, machine gun etc etc then run downhill. Cows and bulls cannot run as fast downhill as they can uphill due to their bulk, the same as they can go upstairs but not down (or is that another old wives tale?).

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sun 11-Jul-10 11:19:18

This is getting silly now. After all the other things we have to pack, we now need to take a hill?!?! confused

SwansEatQuince Sun 11-Jul-10 11:41:35

A hill? I feel overladen if I've got fags and some chocolate in my pocket but that said, guess what will fall out when you are running...<miffed> and AS IF you are going to go back to find them. The cows know this and that makes them more evil, imo.

We had a Kafka cow moment last week when the car got stuck in the field as the actual hillside collapsed due to rabbits digging. Dh said to "Wait here" and he went off to get the tractor. The cows were slavering at the window and scratching their rumps on the wing mirrors. It was like the bovine version of "Shaun and the Dead' but with more flies.

I had life flashes and everything.

So, I'm going to add a cow councellor to the list. The inflatable sofa will be required too.
And the W.I. with hot sweet tea for trauma.

And something hard to wallop your dh with, for leaving you with said Axis of Evil Bovines, Swans. It would be utterly justified - no jury in the land would convict!

SwansEatQuince Sun 11-Jul-10 12:54:35

They never rush, farmers but merely saunter and stop to check the progress of the crop or some other distraction whilst wife and children are doing Munch's "The Scream' faces, noiselessly at the window.

He took the best of an hour to reappear and by then I was a gibbering wreck after singing to keep up morale (Wheels on the bus and all of the Sound of Music) then I had to steer whilst he pulled out the car which was at a steep angle on a hill. I thought we were going to become statistics.

Farmer Swan thought that 'The cattle are looking good this year and we would have to do something about those rabbits'....<borrows StayingDavidTennantsGirl's stick>

I'll hold him down for you Swans. How dare he do that to a Sister!

<<packs bags to come round and give Swans' dh a Piece of her Mind, and a Really Hard Stare>>

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sun 11-Jul-10 21:18:12

Bloody farmers! You are lucky he didn't decide the moment had come to cut the hay! You might still be there! You would have had to turn all 'Donner Party' and eaten the kids! shock <<swanseatquince making munch scream face emoticon>>

SwansEatQuince Mon 12-Jul-10 21:13:00

Do you think I will burn in the Eternal Fires of Damnation for letting it cross my mind to see if the 'children as decoys' part of the Cow Plan would have worked? Purely for the sake of research, of course...

Farmers as decoys don't work. Cows like them.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Tue 13-Jul-10 07:58:48

It depends how many children you have, if you only have 1 it's a bit silly, bit if you have a spare I don't suppose it really matters. You'd just need to decide which one to send out as a decoy! You'd be best served keeping the one that is most use about the farm! grin

ipswichwitch Tue 31-Jul-12 21:46:42

Alternative evil cow escape plan:
1) obtain walking companion, preferably someone you don't like who knows nowt about cows
2) misinformation: tell them that the best way to make cows leave you alone is actually to do all the things you secretly know will piss them off
3) if/when the cows attack, make good your escape while they trample/gore said companion. You will be able to flee the scene and without the need to carry a dog/solicitor/large pipe/hill in your bag

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