Reassure me - what's the worst thing your DCs have said in public?

(334 Posts)
bethylou Wed 05-May-10 22:25:03

Whilst feeding DS2 (11 weeks) early this morning, DS1 (2.1years) was watching the Tweenies and the characters were pinching each other. He and I chatted about how pinching is naughty etc..

We went to the post office at lunchtime where he proceeded to lie on the floor screeching, "Don't pinch me Mummy!" at the top of his voice (because I had intervened in his attempts to empty a huge display of cotton reels). I obviously wasn't pinching him and hopefully people could see that, but it sounded as if that is what I usually do.

Reassure me that your DCs have said similarly embarrassing things. I wanted the ground to swallow me up, said, "I would never pinch you sweetheart," and left as quickly as a toddler, 11 week old and mum can do!!

loulou77 Wed 05-May-10 22:29:03

I am just getting in the bloody pram (outside pre-school, in front of assembled parents and teachers)

Is that man having a baby? (in a cafe, loudly, about a man sitting at the next table)

Mummy, I think I have another wormy coming out of my bum (today, loudly, at soft play...we left)

all of these are DD (4) in the last few weeks

lovemyOJ Wed 05-May-10 22:29:17

when my friend was about 6 he fell over and cracked his head open on a fire place, when at the hospital the doctor asked him 'gosh how did you do that' and he replied 'daddy pushed me!' apparently his dad wasnt even home when it happened!
friends mum was mortified and feared she would have ss knocking any minute!

loulou77 Wed 05-May-10 22:31:01

BTW I didn't take my worm infested child to soft play...she has been treated and is clear however getting worms was the most thrilling thing that has happened to her since I crashed the car on the nursery school gates, so she won't let it go!

Sassybeast Wed 05-May-10 22:31:04

DD told her nursery teacher that a bad man had thrown her down the stairs confused

my toddler shouted on a train:



(this was 6 years ago and I still cringe)

(and no, I don't cut lambs heads off or peel their skin for that matter)

TimothyTigerTuppennyTail Wed 05-May-10 22:33:41

Ahhhh, Mummy said a bad word. Mummy said shit.


ShowOfHands Wed 05-May-10 22:34:17

DH was tickling dd on the tummy earlier while we were in the park. A nice lady said that it looked like fun. DD, who is 2.11, shrugged and said 'yes, usually he punches me'. He does no such thing.

She also chirruped in the swimming pool family changing room a couple of months ago 'what a lovely big willy you have daddy'.

I'm going to stop taking her out I think.

DD1 asked a somewhat portly lady to please excuse her so she could get past. Then she came over to me and said "Mummy, I said 'excuse me' to that lady".

"Yes you did, DD1", says I, feeling very proud of my well-mannered daughter.

"Mummy, I said 'excuse me' and she moved her BIG FAT BOTTOM!"

<wishes for ground to open up and swallow both me and DD1>

KurrisSeatisNotMarginal Wed 05-May-10 22:35:32

In a post office queue 'Mummy, Mummy, that lady's got a moustache just like Daddy's'

fabhead Wed 05-May-10 22:36:01

Also in a PO queue my 3 year old said to a 30 something man in front of us who was mostly bald and greying where left, "Hello Granddad"

hazeyjane Wed 05-May-10 22:37:26

"Mummy dropped dd2 in the river" - dd1 to her preschool teacher, on her first day.

"NOT THE STRAP MUMMY, NOOOOO" - dd2 as I try to strap her into her pushchair in Waitrose (she had just tried to leg it out of the door into the road)

"Mummy you did a big smelly poo" - dd2 on leaving the toilet in lovely cafe, full of people, that we will sadly never return to.

donnie Wed 05-May-10 22:38:59

OMG you think that's bad, OP?

how's this:

"MUMMY WHY HAVE YOU GOT A FAT HAIRY MINNIE"? ....minnie being our word for girls' bits.

In waitrose. Maybe if we'd been slumming it with the proles in Asda it wouldn't have been so bad?

Gay40 Wed 05-May-10 22:40:40

This is one of the funniest threads ever!
Keep it coming x

hazeyjane Wed 05-May-10 22:41:22

Oh yes, Donnie, 'mummys got a furry foofoo' can often be heard being chanted by my dds when we are in public toilets, usually with long queue outside.

SwissMonsterRavingCheesyParty Wed 05-May-10 22:42:12

Don't hurt me, don't hurt me, please, please, don't hurt me hmm

<looks for hole to swallow me up>

FlyingFig Wed 05-May-10 22:42:12

In a crowd, having just used a (public) toilet, DD (then 9) asked in a loud voice:

"It says in that toilet back there that Kirsty Blaine is a cunt - what's a cunt? And who is she?"


gladitsover Wed 05-May-10 22:42:34

I picked up my son in a shop when he was about 2 as he was refusing to leave. As we walked past a woman he held out his arms to her and shouted "Help me lady!"

lauraly Wed 05-May-10 22:42:42

OP you are lucky..
MY DS recently told his grandparents, after being asked how the drive down was
"Fine but there was a stupid Wanger at the roundabout!!!!"

shock horror as I never swear (apart from when somebody is about to smash into my car!!!)
so now Wanger is a favourite word of ours!

lauraly Wed 05-May-10 22:44:09

then there was the other day when he began to point out 'PLUMP' people after being told its not nice to call people fat!

Casmama Wed 05-May-10 22:46:38

Not my dc but my sister (aged 5 at the time) said to her teacher "my mummy doesn't like your haircut"

fabhead Wed 05-May-10 22:48:09

LOL at the stupid Wangers. My 2y old has started saying "Fugs sakes!" in the car blush

Lovecat Wed 05-May-10 22:52:54

DD mortified me at the weekend - we were in MaccyD's and a family of Chinese appearance walked in. She stands on her chair and points at them.

DD (incredibly loudly): Mummy, those people are not from our country!

Me: <inwardly going wtf??> DD, don't point, it's rude.

DD (with volume increase): But Mummy, they are NOT from England, they are not from here!

Me: (trying not to combust with embarrassment) Ssh, it's rude to point, of course they're from here!

DD: No, Mummy, they're not from here, look at them, they're not English, they look different! Look at how their eyes are different!

Me: <nooooooooooooooo!>

I eventually got her to lower her voice and it transpired that she has been doing a project in school about where your family originally comes from, and as one of her classmates is of Chinese origin, she was simply trying to show off her new-found knowledge of where this other family (who either didn't notice or thankfully decided to ignore the mini-Nick Griffin ranting at them) originated from...

God I wanted the floor to open and swallow me up!

She has also loudly argued the toss with me on a train that the lady cleaner in our carriage was actually a man (said lady had v. short Irish Mammy haircut and was v. tall and thin), much to my mortification...

fabhead Wed 05-May-10 22:53:12

I've posted this before on these threads, ds1, about 2, trip to BirdWorld, Granny bought him 2 stuffed birds, painstakingly advised him at length that they were a blackbird and a cockatoo.

Next day, shopping in Croydon, new favourite toys along for the day, mistakenly left the Cockatoo in the car. Queue frantic dash down main shopping parade back to carpark with ds1 shouting and screaming at top of his lungs, "BlackBird Want Cock!, BlackBird Want Cock!"

itsybitsy08 Wed 05-May-10 22:55:11

when i was little about 3ish i think, my (young) aunty taught me to say slap head.
On the bus one day with my mam, a bald man sat down in front of us. I promply shouted at the top of my lungs "slaphead" and tapped him on the head!
Needless to say mam was mortified!

jenduff Wed 05-May-10 22:57:08

DS learning to read went through a phase of sounding out any and every word he could see - standing in queue at Boots and he spots something in the basket of chap in front that catches his eye "d..u..r..e..x, d..u..r.. Mummy what does that say is it drex? What's drex? Is it sweets in that box? Can I have some please?" red faced bloke in front and stifled sniggers from people behind grin

Oh and then questioning me as to why I needed to buy Anusol loudly....

fearnelinen Wed 05-May-10 23:02:15

DD has verbal dyspraxia so I forget I have a parrot that very occasionally repeats what I say with amazing clarity. I SO wish that the last time she bumped her head I DIDN'T say "Oh please don't make me send you to school with another black eye"
It sounds so great, every time she bumps herself she wails "Pleeeease mummy don't send me to school with another black eye!" Most of what she says is uniteligible, but why oh why is this clea as day?!

Pancakeflipper Wed 05-May-10 23:08:57

My boy was 3 and on a very full busy bus he was overcome staring at very large handsomeblack muscular man with amazing dreadlocks stood in the aisle next to us..

"mummy what has that man done to his hair... Are those long plaits like Jessica has? Will my hair do that when I turn black?"

Thank you dreadlock man for being wonderful, for laughing your head off and ruffling my son's hair because I didn't know what to say and the rest of the bus stared at their feet cos' their shoes were suddenly interesting.

HappyMrsChicken Wed 05-May-10 23:12:11

We were walking in a forest and stopped briefly to talk to a family coming from the opposite direction and my 2.5 year old DD announces "My mummy just did a wee on the ground". It was true, there were no loos I had to go.

My DD was in reception year and the teacher told me that during the register she piped up with "I won't be fiddling today as mummy has put canesten on my bits". Teacher thought it was hilarious blush

wubblybubbly Wed 05-May-10 23:12:33

Ohh these are fabulous grin

SoMuchToBits Wed 05-May-10 23:16:01

I also had a communal changing room at swimming pool experience when ds was about 3 - he suddenly looked at me and said in a loud voice "Mummy hasn't got a willy!"

True, but embarrasing nevertheless....

gingerkirsty Wed 05-May-10 23:16:25

Keep them coming! DD hasn't said a lot yet being only 11 wks and all, but I can't wait!!!

bethylou Wed 05-May-10 23:17:28

I've just remembered that my own brother embarrassed my mum at a chiropodist by farting and then saying, "Mummy!", as if it were her who had done it!

I feel reassured by the way and think post offices are clearly places to avoid with toddlers in tow!

ComeAgain Wed 05-May-10 23:23:57

I've nothing to add as my DS is only 12 weeks but this is the longest and loudest I have laughed in a very long time.

silverdogflower Wed 05-May-10 23:27:56

DD aged about 2, at dinner table when on holiday in a big group of families, She was 'chatting' in nonsense words to a friendly teenager whom we knew slightly, he says "Oh you are such a funky monkey!" to her. She thinks carefully then says clear as a bell "You are a monkey cunt!" (A word we have NEVER used and she has never heard!!). PMSL as did DH and luckily all other families who were there. Poor teenager was mortified though!

blowninonabreeze Wed 05-May-10 23:28:04

Please please please can somone remember a thread from ages and ages ago where a mumsnetter took her ds swimming (i think in some scandinavian country) and the DS parted the bottom cheeks of a naked lady changing in front of her locker because he wanted to see what was inside.

It had me roaring, and I still get the giggles when I think of it now.

Have tried to search but no joy.

Please someone find it!

outnumbered2to1 Wed 05-May-10 23:55:17

DS1 aged about 3 in middle of local post office "Mummy look at the big fat man. Why does he have so many chins?"

DS2 aged about 2 in checkout queue at our local Asda "pooh smelly man" complete with pointing to the rather "fragrant" older gentleman standing in front of us in the queue.

lemsiprocks Thu 06-May-10 00:10:34

In a busy cafe when a very obese man walked past us,DS(4) laughed and shouted out ' Mummy look at that man,he's HUGE, how did he get in here?' SHHH
Followed by,'Look he's going to the toilet, how is he going to fit on the seats?'
He did have a point,but he is very loud and clear.

KatnKankles Thu 06-May-10 00:26:32

I can think of loads!

I'm pregnant and my nipples are quite dark now - we were in the swimming pool changing room
DD2(6) 'Mammy, why are your boobies black now?'
Me - Sshhh, it's for when I feed the baby
DD2 - does it come out of your tuppence?
DD1 (11) - it's actually called a vagina
me - Sshhhhhhhhh
DD2- Fagina Fagina Fagina hahahahahaha

blush I waited a little while before emerging from the cubicle...

DD2 informed me loudly in the middle of a shop the other day that she never wanted me to die... I said aww that's lovely darling. She said 'I never want anyone to die' (cue aww isn't she cute looks from fellow shoppers)
'Apart from FAT people because they eat too much'
<shuffle head down out of shop>

My Mum tells me that we had been learning about people getting out and dying one day and the following day I piped up very loudly on a bus ful of older people 'All these people are going to die soon aren;t they?'

colditz Thu 06-May-10 00:30:01

Echoey swimming baths changing room

"You haven't got a winky. You've just got fur."

colditz Thu 06-May-10 00:31:10

Public toilet (ds2 aged 4, yesterday)

"You drink your drink and your tummy turns it into Lellowness(sic) and your winky wees out the Lellow wee."

Chandra Thu 06-May-10 00:41:43

I'm dithering between two ocassions:

When DS was 3 he had a lot of problems putting his pants the right way around, so every morning we had the endless argument to get them to wear them the right way.

Then one day was in an overcrowded fitting room when DS says:

DS: Mum you have your pants the other way around!
Me: No, I don't
DS: Yes you dooo
Me: No I don't, can we talk of other thing?
DS: You dooooo!
It went on for what felt like a life time...

The other occasion was when he was 5 and one day, again fully surrounded by people in a Christmas ornament store, DS comes, gives me a hug and says: "Mum, I don't care if you slept with 100s of men, I love you!"
Obviously, I was on the phone immediatly asking my ex if he had been using "Mamma Mia" as a babysitting device... hmm

colditz Thu 06-May-10 00:44:49

PMSL Chandra!

dd 4 and dss 5 in a hairdressers waiting for my cousins hair to be done when a large lady walks in.. cue dd 'eheh she's fat innit!' 'dss, isn't she fat?'

i was mortified and i pinched her (very slightly btw) and she couldn't figure out what my problem was hmm

also, yesterday when she didn't want to leave tescos and i was holding her by the arm, she says 'OUCH mummy you are really hurting me! MUMMY why are you TRYING to hurt me? YOU'RE TWISTING MY ARM ON PURPOSE AREN'T YOU!' (i was not twisting her arm)

we walked past two old ladies who looked like this shock shock

spiderlight Thu 06-May-10 00:53:09

Not mine, thankfully, but I was in a big MFI-type place with a friend and her two kids, helping her choose a kitchen. She took her DS, who must have been about 3, into the ladies' with her and I took her older DD across to the other side of the shop to look at some girly bedroom displays. A couple of minutes later the toilet doors opened and her DS absolutely bellowed across the shop at me in a voice that would have put Brian Blessed to shame, 'Mummy just did a great big poo in there and it STANK!!!'

She bought her kitchen somewhere else.

buggeredwhoevergetsin Thu 06-May-10 00:56:16

When i was about six or seven, I had a fight with my brother at a family dinner and called him a 'cunt'! I had heard it from a bigger boy and had no idea what it meant, I made my grandads day!
My DD at about 2.5, called her brother a 'fucking little bastard'! Ds and I have never used this kind of language, and I have no idea where it came from!
When DS was little, my wicked gran taught him to tell people that 'mummy hit him with a big stick'! and when asked where I was, that 'mummy ran away with a black man!' I spent a lot of time being mortified!

DTD2 to an entering visitor 'I don't take off my socks because Mummy and Daddy have fungus feet, and I don't want to get fungus feet'. We do not and have never had fungus feet. It was a few days before my friend told me what she said too.

My boss's DS played up in the supermarket so his mother carried him out over her shoulder while he screamed all the way through the store 'THIIIIIS IS NOOOOOT MY MOOOOOOOMMY'.

DS, last year, around the stage when he was very interested in his willy, dropping his trousers at the tram stop, grabbing said appendage and yelling 'Look! WILLEEEEEE!'
Also, around the same time, I instituted a rule that playing with one's own willy is OK if done at home but not in public. I explained to his dad that I had done this, went out, came home to find very embarrased DS dad whos mate had popped round and been treated to a bit of a display - upon which I amended the rule to 'You can play with your willy at home but NOT when we have visitors.'

DD, 18 months had a tendency to say "fuck you" to pretty much everyone she met. I did try and explain that she was actually saying "thankyou" but I think most people just presumed she was a foul mouthed child....
Oh and around that time she called penguins at the local aquarium "wankers" shock confused blush

Maybe she is just foul mouthed.....

Haha at child flasher, SGB!

ChippingIn Thu 06-May-10 02:53:37

I was looking after my friends little boy, (3.5 at the time), we were at the park and he went up to a woman who was very overweight and very innocently, genuinely curious, asked her if she had got so fat because she ate too many pies.... I was shock, blush, confused...... I mean, why didn't the silly sod just ask me - I've hardly got washboard abs!

QueenThistle Thu 06-May-10 03:05:34

haha these are brilliant!

Especially loved gladitsover's 'Help me lady!


sunnydelight Thu 06-May-10 06:37:01

DS(8) to a mother in the school yard as reported by my friend: "No, your son can't come to our house again because my mummy wouldn't like it. Last time he came she told me to never ask for him to play again. He's rude and has no table manners but that's not really his fault because he must have learnt it from you". blush

MamaG Thu 06-May-10 06:47:24

DD once said to a complete stranger (male) "I can smell your willy"

mortified is NOT the word

weegiemum Thu 06-May-10 06:54:33

My dd1 sat on the loo in the Mens toilets at age about 20 months (out with dh on her own) and sang a song of her own making, which said something like

"I wiiiiiish I haaaaad a wiiiiiiilllllly"

Dh said he had to wait until he was sure there was noone there until he opened the cubicle door!

JackBauerIsZonerrific Thu 06-May-10 06:58:39

DD1. In Gatwick. Waiting on flight to North Africa.
Group of Muslim ladies with headscarves.

Mummy! Look at those silly girls, they are playing hide and seek but they are doing it wrong. One of you has to COUNT.
They're silly, aren't they mummy?

On the flight.
Mummy, that man in front did a fartpants.
<<My mum and I make frsantic shushing noises>>
But he DID and it SMELLS. Bleurgh! yuck!

4 hour flight. This is why we don't go on holiday.

Oh and she called her sister a 'cheeky wee bitch' the other day in Tesco, god know where that came from.

tartyhighheels Thu 06-May-10 07:27:29

"My mummy never wears knickers"..... to my obstetrician blush

ohmeohmy Thu 06-May-10 07:31:59

ds used to shout 'help' loudly and repeatedly as I pushed him around town.

Moleyisvotinggreen Thu 06-May-10 07:45:39

DD (then 2.6) was very interested in her sister's birth which we explained factually...

When DD2 was born we were at a bus stop and an old lady (80s probably) peeked into the sling and cooed over the baby. She then asked DD1 if she liked having a sister. DD1 replied 'yes. She came out of my Mama's vulva in our living room and she was all gooooooooooey"


Oh god this thread is hilarious.

Lovecat - that is seriously one of the funniest things ever. Obviously not at the time, but really really funny grin

waitingforbedtime Thu 06-May-10 08:08:33

At nursery they were going round in a circle and saying what made them happy and sad. Ds (3) said mummy giving him cuddles made him happy and daddy hitting him made him sad!! blush he has never even been so much as smacked ever.

It is my commupance though for embarrassing my reluctantly babysitter of a teenage brother when I was 5 and screaming 'I dont know this man, I need my mummmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee' when he tried to get me to leave a shop in front of all hsi friends and girlfriend!

cocolepew Thu 06-May-10 08:13:01

DD2 was walking down the aisle at Tesco behind a larger lady, top ofvoice " WOW! Wide load ahead! back up" and reversed up the aisle beeping like a lorry.

Last year at JFK airport a grop of women in burkas (?) were walking towards DD2 who screamed "It's the bad ninjas!" (From the Sarah Jane Adventures)

Saltire Thu 06-May-10 08:13:34

I was in the toilets in St Andrews once with DS2 who was aobut 3/4 at the time. he was in teh cubicle with me (as you do) and he said "MUM<WHAT'S A B-L-O-W J-O-B?"
so I said shh, "no but look, it's here on the door in pen, ring Kim and she'll give you a blow job, can i ring her and ask what it is" "will I get dad to ring her if you're scared" and on and on and on

shoptilidrop Thu 06-May-10 08:22:55

love this thread. DD 4 is constantly saying things like this.
i have got used to the embarassment and just remember that when i am old, i will get her to take me out and i shall behave like a mental loon and embarass her to the same degree...


hairyclaireyfairy Thu 06-May-10 08:24:02

lol at these
My dd when she was 2 saw an old lady hobbling along and shouted to me "she'll be dead soon, won't she"

OrmRenewed Thu 06-May-10 08:24:10

There was the fat man incident.

DS#2 was about 2.5 sitting on my shoulders at an ATM. At the next machine there was an ENORMOUS man. DS'2 stared at him for a bit and then said in a normal 2yr old loud voice:

"Mummy look at that fat man! Why is he soooo fat?"

Bloke was about 3 ft away from us. Mummy went a bit red and ignored DS.

"Mummy, I said look at that fat man!"

Mummy muttered furiously 'shhh DS!'.

"But he's really fat mummy! Mummy why aren't you talking to me?"

DD and DS#1 had scuttled off to hide.

Me: "DS, please be quiet"

"Why mummy. But he is fat!"

Finished at ATM and hurried off after the other DC throwing apologetic and blushing look at man (who looked resigned to it poor bugger sad). DS still throwing out comments about how fat the man was and why wasn't I talking to him....


Deemented Thu 06-May-10 08:25:43

DS was about three when i was suddenly cut up by a car on a roundabout. Cue a little voice from the backseat...

'Mammy, was that man a fucking numpty?'


But that was nothing to the fact that he announced to the entire school playground that...

'My mammy has a vagina. My mammy's vagina is big and very scary...'

racmac Thu 06-May-10 08:26:28

cocolepew - im in hysterics grin

waiting for nursery door to open with all the other parents

DS who was 3 at time said at the top of voice
"will somebody please open the fucking door"

I was mortified

OrmRenewed Thu 06-May-10 08:26:29

scary??? <splutter>

We were out having lunch and I said to DD (3) 'do you think Daddy will be out in the garden putting the plants in?'

'No silly!' she replied loudly 'he'll be sitting on his arse on his computer again'. hmm



(She was right btw).

PixieOnaBallotBox Thu 06-May-10 08:32:26

These are so funny!

We were waiting at the airport once with DD1 who was about 3. As the flight was delayed, we were taking her round Duty Free in an attempt to stem the boredom.

In one shop, she ran up to the counter and, before I could stop her, shouted:

'Excuse me shop lady, can I buy your vagina? Mummy left hers at home.'

We couldn't get on the plane fast enough.

BitOfFun Thu 06-May-10 09:02:09

When giving a rather prim ex-head teacher friend of my mum's a lift in my car, my then 4 year old dd1 spied a police car and yelled "Look out mum, here come the pigs!" hmm

I still don't know where she picked that up...

Saltire Thu 06-May-10 09:08:25

Then there was the time we were in the line waiting to go into nursery and DS2 (again, I don't know why I am not grey haired with the stress of looking after him grin) pipes up
"See Mrs X (nursery teacher), well her husband is a murderer"
All the parents looked up, and he continued
"he is he murdered our dog , he chopped it up into little bits and stuck it in a big hole he'd dug on the golf course, you know the big golf course in st Andrews"

Of course none of it was true, Mrs X's DH was a vet who'd had the sad job of putting our much loved dog to sleep 4 weeks prevously

meep Thu 06-May-10 09:12:08

dd1 sitting in the car when another car hits my wingmirror. Man who hit it comes up to my car and dd1 asks him "man, are you the baby Jesus?"

I just couldn't think why she had asked him this until the next time I was in a car incident and shouted "oh jesus" blush

dd1 still talks about the day baby jesus hit our car....

oricella Thu 06-May-10 09:22:03

DP took DD1 (3) swimming and got mortified in the changing rooms, when everyone could hear her exclaiming loudly "daddy, you have a wobbly bottom"

Jamiki Thu 06-May-10 09:22:44

Standing in line behind two muslim guys in a shop DS (2.5) says quite clearly
"Why are those mans dressed like pirates Mum?"
"Ssh darl,"
"But why Mum, why, Why are they dressed like pirates why?"

Lucky for them (kids) they're so cute huh?

Saltire Thu 06-May-10 09:29:05

Ds2 - again - has done the strange comments to muslims, once in Dundee, first time ever he'd seen a woman in a burkha (think it's a burkha covered all but her face), so he stood and stared for ages, then said
"mummy, see that lady over there, the one dressed like a witch, well I think she must be very very fat and she's dressed like that to hide her fat belly". Thankfully the woman just laughed, but I was mortified

5inthebed Thu 06-May-10 09:29:11

We were at one of those wooden parks and DS1 (6) got a splinter in his hand. I was trying to remove it and he was screaming "I want to live, I want to live" rather hysterically blush

DS2 (4) always asks me rather loudly in public toilets if I'm having a wee or a poo (always a wee btw), and when I'm finished says "good boy mammy" hmm.

theQuibbler Thu 06-May-10 09:31:09

Last week, walking behind two women, DS (4) said, loudly

"I really like that lady's dress and she has pretty shoes, too."

Said lady turned round and beamed at complimentary, cute, curly-haired small child.

At which point, he pointed at her friend and said:

"But I don't like yours so much as you have a big, fat bottom."

Just lovely.

Saltire Thu 06-May-10 09:32:39

Oh and have had the "why is there a bit of string hanging from your bum mummy" shouted out whilst in public loos before. Again by DS2

Elffriend Thu 06-May-10 09:40:45

DS (3) pointed at me and sternly declared, in the loudest voice possible, "YOU'RE not my mother!"


When about 2ish still had trouble pronouncing 'L'. Liked clocks though. Shopping Centre, "Mummy! Look at that big cock! I can see a big cock!"

kimbles1984 Thu 06-May-10 09:41:29

my son runs around all day shouting 'KNOBHEAD' all day much to everyones disgust, what no one realises though is that he has a speech delay and is trying to say stop it!! oh cant take them anywhere can we lol

Just think how much mortification you are all going to be able to cause when you retell these stories to your dcs girlfriends/boyfriends - or even better, in the speeches at their weddings.

Revenge is a dish best served cold... wink

I've told this story before, but we were at York station, when ds1 was about 3 or 4, and a man smoking a pipe sat down next to us. The conversation went as follows:

Ds1 - What is that in your mouth, man?

Man - It's a pipe.

Ds1 - What are you doing with it, man?

Man - I am smoking it.

Ds1 - Hmm - you are going to die.

That's when we ruled out a career in the diplomatic service for the lad.

CwtchyBlueMama Thu 06-May-10 09:57:39

Took ds,3, swimming last Summer & we were getting changed in the cubicle.

Ds "Mummy,you dont have many hairs on your fanny do you"?

Me "shh, get changed"

Ds "Daddy has,& he has lots of big curly hairs on his bum too"

Me " shh, put your trunks on"

Then getting into the pool an elderly gent walked past wearing speedos,

Ds "Mummy you can see that mans balls,eurgh & his widge"

I swear i practically dive bombed into the pool blush

I am laughing out loud to these though,love the My Mummy doesnt wear any knickers grin

lindalinda Thu 06-May-10 10:06:08

Best three from many . . .

DS aged 4, who started school very early because of his birthday being in February, came home to tell us he'd been learning about Judaism at school. That seemed terribly advanced and I was beaming with pride at my clever child as he told me lots and got it all right. He then said, 'I know what you call people who believe in God.' 'Do you?' said I, waiting for more clever religious stuff. 'LIARS!' he shouted, betraying my lack of Godliness. Even worse when his brother told me he had shared this with everyone in Assembly . . .

DS aged 10, at Tesco while I'm looking for trashy mag. 'Are you getting one for Dad, Mum? He spends AGES in the loo with his girly mags. Why does he like girly mags so much, Mum?' Yes, his Dad does have a tendency to nick off for protracted toilet sessions with Closer and Heat, rather than Sluts R Us, but I'm not sure everyone else understood that.

Back to DS aged 4 - EVERY SINGLE day when he is picked up from school, whoever we are walking behind, 'there's X - his mum smokes. She'll die soon won't she? X!! Your mum will die soon, do you know that? Her lungs will go all black and she won't be able to breathe. I'm right, Mum, aren't I?

mookle Thu 06-May-10 10:15:12

lindalinda - LOL! Can particularly relate to the smoking one grin

DastardlyorSmugly Thu 06-May-10 10:23:40

Was in the supermarket the other week talking to one of DH's colleagues.

DS (4): "Mummy you have really big boobies"

<cue me and DH's colleague looking embarrassed>

DS: "But Mummy you do have really big boobies"

Me: "DS that's nice but don't tell evrybody"

DS: "But Mummy they're not as big as they used to be as my sister has drunk all the milk from them"

Me: "Yes DS but let's not tell everybody"

DS: "Yes but their nice boobies"

Ad infinitum. DS is one of those children who never ever shuts up.

5inthebed Thu 06-May-10 10:34:27

DS1 (6) was saying yesterday that he can spell any word, so DH asked him to spell Mississippi.

"Easy" he said "M R S Z I P P Y" grin

Ohh bless, 5inthebed - that made me laugh!

Eve4Walle Thu 06-May-10 10:48:23

DD is 6, so we have plenty of opportunity for this sort of thing.

The worst time was when we were in the supermarket when she was about 4.5, and we were buying a 4-pack of beer for DH. DD pipes up in her loudest voice 'Daddy like beer doesn't he Mummy', to which I agreed. The she says 'but sometimes it makes him a bit sick doesn't it'. I was very embarrassed, and an old bloke walking past and who had obv. heard the whole exchange just smiled and said 'out of the mouth of babes eh?'

The worst thing is that Daddy was sick once on beer, but he'd come home from a stag do a bit worse for wear, been sick and woken her up with the noise (he can't be sick quietly!), so he's not the complete piss-head this makes him out to be at all.

BonzoDoodah Thu 06-May-10 11:06:02

These are CLASSIC. I don't think I've laughed out loud so much in ages.

Highlander Thu 06-May-10 11:08:43

DS1 was 2. DS2 was a baby. we were also renovating our house (tries hard to re-create the stress we were under wink)

Nursery teacher - 'how was your weekend?'

DS1 - 'we went to the orange hardware store (that's B and Q), and mummy said daddy was a fucking arse'

Nursdery teacher - 'ooh, that's nice!'

Highlander Thu 06-May-10 11:10:49

bluemamma and linda - i was crying laughing reading yours! grin

These are fantastic, haven't laughed so much in ages!
Even the DTs are joining in as they've never heard mummy laugh so loudly!

blackflyinyourchardonnay Thu 06-May-10 11:16:50

DS, to the lady behind him, walking through reception doors at nursery.

" MIND YOUR cheeky bugger!"


hahaimawitch Thu 06-May-10 11:24:32

DS aged 7 asking a sixth former if he had a girlfriend to which the poor boy blushed and said no. DS then pipes up, go on you can tell me... I bet you have a boyfriend instead. Poor lad didn't know where to put himself!

Even better, in school age 4, when the teacher asks how do you tell someone to go away if they shouldn't be talking to you, DS you tell them to sod off! Teacher tells me she had to leave the room she was laughing so much.

DS aged 3 - what on earth has that funny coloured man done to his skin?

DS aged 2 favourite reply - oh fuck!

Much embarrasment here

BabyGiraffes Thu 06-May-10 11:29:41

DD1 (2.6) in the shop when she knocked her basket (those on wheels) into a shelf, very loud 'Oh f**k!' shock
got some strange looks from a few older ladies nearby and was mortified! Had to have a stern word with dh about swearing in front of her.

BabyGiraffes Thu 06-May-10 11:37:28

Oh, and I thought she had it from playgroup and told her we don't use that word. To which she replied quite reasonably ; Daddy says f**k!
Er, right.
love this thread - keep laughing out loud. Can't wait for more to come from my two - both a bit small right now.

VivianDarkbloom Thu 06-May-10 11:45:02

My faves so far are

"Will my hair do that when I turn black?"


"I can smell your willy"


"Will somebody PLEASE open the fucking door!"

grin grin grin

Amaaaazing, it's made my morning!

potplant Thu 06-May-10 11:48:59

DS (5) to builder: 'My Mummmy is wearing a black bra today. She's got big boobies'

Other time:

DS (3ish): that man looks like a monkey (he was black).
Me: Sussh its really rude to say things like that
DS: But you call me a monkey (as in the 'cheeky variety'). And I don't even look like one. He does cos he's brown
Me: Shussh,l stop saying it its rude
DS: Monkey Man! Monkey Man!

I was beyond mortified!

Bluesunday Thu 06-May-10 11:49:04

I am crying with laughing reading these!
When DS was about 5 we went to the cinema, I told DS he could have either pick n' mix or popcorn but he couldn't have both. DS started screaming "I WANT COCK PORN! I WANT COCK PORN!". Another time, I think he was about 7 or 8, the TV was on in the background, some discussion program about relgion, and I told DS I wasn't a Christian... DS went into school the next day and told the teacher "my mummy's a Muslim terrorist".
There was also the time DD (aged about 2) was busy with the building blocks, kindly old grandpa bent down and asked if he could play too, DD said "fuck off, Grandad" blush

Lovecat Thu 06-May-10 11:54:02

Another one that Saltire has reminded me of...

In the hospital, waiting for a blood test. DD about 18 months.

Sitting across from us is a woman in a full burka, everything covered but the eyes.

DD is burbling away around my knees, when I suddenly tune in to what she's saying. She's tapping my leg, pointing at the woman and saying

"Weirdo, mummy! Weirdo!"

I go "Sssshhh!!"

She pulls at me in frustration and says in a piercing voice "Mummeee, WEIRDO!!!"

I think we can safely rule out a career in International Diplomacy....

(In my defence I totally blame DH for calling DD a 'little weirdo' as a term of affection...)

oxeye Thu 06-May-10 11:58:51

DS in coffee shop spills a bit of his juice
"oh bugger mummy, I've spilt some" blush

Mezzy Thu 06-May-10 12:05:05

I have sat here laughing so hard I'm crying and all I can hear from DD (3) is "mummyyyyy what's so funnyyyyyyy?"

ShadeofViolet Thu 06-May-10 12:09:15

I have two which have caused me the same amount of shame and embarassment.

DS1 was about 5 and we were in a quite busy pool changing room. I was busy getting myself and DS dried when he said 'Mummy, do you want to see a Mushroom?', quite distracted I said yes, so he then proceeded to pull his foreskin back and shout 'Mushroom' at the top of his voice blush while wiggling around doing some hoochy dance!

Again, DS1 on a packed bus. He was a bit older then, about 6.

'Mum I know what sex is'
'Lets not talk about it now' (as quietly as I can)
(Louder) ' But I do know what sex is, its where a man and a lady are naked and they kiss and cuddle in bed.(He then mimed french kissing) but I know that you and dad dont have sex because you always wear Pyjama's.'
The whole bus was looking, and I was bright red.

Why must they come up with these things when we are in public?

Rossco Thu 06-May-10 12:20:02

DS1 was about 4 (he's 15 on Monday) and we were in Church one Sunday morning. He was sitting at the front with the Sunday School nursery class and DH and I were about half way up the aisle while my PIL were sitting up the back.

The Minister was standing in front of the Sunday school giving his childrens talk when DS gets off his seat, stands in front of the minister and shouts;


The congregation roared with laughter while my MIL ran up the aisle to take DS out to the toilet. The minister was helpless for quite a while and his wife sat with her shoulders shaking for the rest of the service.

DS has never been allowed to forget this one grin.

proxystix Thu 06-May-10 12:20:04

ROFL at "I want to live" and "Fuck off, grandad" grin

DandyLioness Thu 06-May-10 12:23:31

DD was 2, and going through a hitting stage. When I came to pick her up one day, the nursery worker saidin front of lots of other parents: "well, she didn't hit anyone today."
"Good," said I, relieved, thinking, ah, progress.
"But she did tell our new nursery worker to fuck off."


MerlotPixie Thu 06-May-10 12:27:47

In supermarket DS (6) see's man with one leg, on crutches.

Exclaims loudly, "look mummy, that man has only ONE LEG!"

(at time his Grandma helped at a disabled sports club and we were often involved too and DS knew lots of people with various disabilities)

me, quietly "yes but you know lots of people that are different, like Dave in the wheelchair...?"

DS, gleefully "yes mummy I know people with NO legs. But this man has ONE LEG!!"

BloomingFlowers Thu 06-May-10 12:30:48

Out for the day with 5 year old DD and school friends.

A group of ladies dressed in burkas walked past, small girls start discussing the attire.
Loudly and with great authority DD informs the other girls, that "those ladies are all lesbians, my mummy told me".

Mummy had shown her 'photos of our Middle East holiday including a lovely Lebanese lady tour guide. blush

wannaBe Thu 06-May-10 12:35:45

When my ds was in reception I used to help out in his class one day a week.

One day they had a supply teacher in, and after break she got out a book to read them a story. Before she did she told them a bit about the author and said "she was a granny when she wrote this book," to which one of the kids piped up, "Like you." grin

BonzoDoodah Thu 06-May-10 12:37:39

F* off grandad is fantastic (for us, not you obviously)

Back in the 70's friends of my parents turned up in their new Rolls Royce. My sister ran to the front door to greet them with "mummy says you're only here to show off your new car"

DS is pretty nonverbal ATM but he does say a few things (mostly car, tractor etc. ) however one unfortunate phrase he has picked up is 'wanna ride' (as in 'would you like to go on the ride on toy).

This morning we went shopping and he chased an elderly gentleman through the shopping centre yelling 'wanna ride? Wanna ride?' as the man was in an electric wheelchair hmm

honeydragon Thu 06-May-10 12:42:31

oh goodness i am weeping with laughter

ds (aged 5 at the time), local police representative comes to school - burgalry comes up in conversation, policeman made comment about locking fronts doors and keeping safe. Ds pipes up with great authority "you must lock the back door too and the windows".

The police man commented how sensible my son was to which he responded

"yeah well the back windows are the easiest to jimmy open with a screwdriver then mummy can boost you through the window to go and unlock the front door as long as the keys are there".


Have since met the very nice police man who said he told everyone at the station about the junior master criminal.

racmac Thu 06-May-10 12:44:02

oh just remembered another one.

Dh took his van to go help a friend move some stuff and took DS with him - DS must have been about 5

Friend gets inthe van and DS turns to friend and says dad says your a bloody pain in the arse always wanting to use his van

dh just laughed and said i didnt say that cue DS yes you did daddy you said he was a pain and you were going to charge people for using your van grin

ICouldHaveWrittenThis Thu 06-May-10 12:45:59

When out shopping with Ds (2.5) he amuses himself by farting very loudly, and the pointing at me saying 'haha, mummy farted'


charming child. grin

BitOfFun Thu 06-May-10 12:48:09

Oh that's reminded me of another police one: the community officers came to dd1's infant school to give a talk about their work. And the end, nobody asked any questions except dd1, who, after much thinking, piped up "So, do you like doughnuts then?"

I knew I shouldn't have let her watch The Simpsons...

BloomingFlowers Thu 06-May-10 12:49:30

Not me (thankfully) but a dear friend...

She had a "clash" with a form teacher; and became quite irrate when discussing it with her DH that evening. It was an ongoing saga.

She thought that DC's were out of ear shot.

The following day her DS told the teacher that "his Mummy thought that she'd had a really good thumping with the ugly stick"

pookamoo Thu 06-May-10 12:50:42

ROFL grin
Can this one go in the Classics?
DD doesn't say very much just yet but I am waiting for the day!

1Littleboy1Bigboy Thu 06-May-10 12:51:20

gladitsover - I picked up my son in a shop when he was about 2 as he was refusing to leave. As we walked past a woman he held out his arms to her and shouted "Help me lady!"

lol!!! what did the woman say???!!!

instructionstothedouble Thu 06-May-10 12:52:32

Am in pieces over "Fuck off Grandad" grin

puddytats Thu 06-May-10 12:53:50

I have told this before, but here goes again.

Picking up dd from nursery one afternoon i get taken to one side for a word. Apparently ddd told everyone that when she and mummy had a bath (we quite often share a bath), mummy lets dd wash her pussy.........

I have 2 pussycat tattoos.

How the ground did not swallow me up i do not know and i have gone red just remembering the incident blush

BexJ78 Thu 06-May-10 12:59:40

When my brother and i were little, we were in the doctor's waiting room which was, as these places usually are, very very quiet. My brother, who was probably about 3 at the time, suddently stood up, did some sort of lunging movement and shouted at the top of his voice 'BIG FAT BOOOOBIES'. To say my mum was mortified was probably an understatement.

Loving this thread, very funny.

rockinhippy Thu 06-May-10 13:01:46

PMSL @ some of glad DD has grown out of this now...well mostly

but she's done some real doozies in the past

@ 2, all angelic looking, curls ribbons & pretty dress toddling down the road & a coach load of elderly tourist getting of their coach as we passed, spotted her & started cooing over how pretty/cute she looked........

She suddenly took of running after a pigeon that had landed near a bin...Screaming at the top of her voice.... "get out of it, you f'ing dirty smelly B@stard blush,,,,,ground open up now please, I could hear the tuts & FEEl the old dears looks of disapproval at "Chav Mum from hell blush ...... I wouldn't mind but I'm not really a swearer & I've always been very careful never to swear in front of here, DH the same confused

A large lady walking down the street in front of us, wearing a shocking pink skirt....DD @ 2,1/2...MUMMY, THAT LADY IS TOO FAT TO BE WEARING A SKIRT THAT COLOUR, ARE YOU GOING TO TELL it was something I would normally do confused blush

At 3, she regularly told people off in the street for swearing, complete with hands on hips & wagging finger......especially a group of local winos who took to sitting outside our supermarket for a while..... & would she be dragged away chance.

@ 4, On taking money out of cash point, & someone begging nearby begging me for money, she turned on him, hands on hips & finger wagging, & gave him a lecture on getting a wash, & working for his own money like Daddy did shock

LOUDLY in the poolside shack of a toilets on Holiday....MUMMY WHY HAVE YOU GOT ??? SPIDERS LEGS HANGING OUT OF YOUR KNICKERS blush

I could go on & on.....she's always had plenty to say for herself....still has grin

& laughing at the child abuse ones, seems thats not uncommon....when our friends Son fell & banged himself badly & had to go to A&E...there Daughter, 3 at the time told the Doctor...Daddy punched him shock

racmac Thu 06-May-10 13:06:14

not my DS thankfully but when i was about 18 in pub with boyfriend.

Boyfriend came back from toilets with massive grin on his face and said that little boy over there just turned round to his dad when we were both at the urinals and shouted really loudly "why has that man got a bigger willy than you dad" "why dad" "why" "dad why arent you answering me"

Cue lots of hysterical giggling by me and boyfriend and him trying to show me which man it was grin

I feel really sorry for the dad now that i have my own 3 monsters

sunnydelight Thu 06-May-10 13:10:51

I've just spat my wine all over the keyboard puddytats!!!

Ds1 and I once had a long and loud (on his part, anyway) conversation in the chemist's about why we were in there - he wanted to know.

I told him I needed to get the tablets the doctor had prescribed. He wanted to know why I needed tablets, so I told him I had an abcess - then had to explain that an abcess was a sore spot that had gone yucky. Then he wanted to know where the abcess was, so I murmured quietly into his ear that it was on my booby. "OOOoooh Mummy - can I SEE the abcess on your booby?" Cue me trying to explain why I wasn't going to show him my boob in the chemists shop - because people might laugh - why mummy - and might call it indecent exposure..... And so it went on - with every other bugger in the shop sidling closer so they could hear better! blush

JaneS Thu 06-May-10 13:14:41

I was in the swimming changing rooms last summer. Now, I have no children, but because I went from a size 8 to 14 by the quick route, I have a few delightful stretchmarks. I had just turned to fact the walls so I could slip my knickers on without flashing the room (as you do).

Cue a little hand grabbing my upper thigh, followed a very confused child saying:

'You have the same bottom as MY mummy!'


Her mum was about fifteen years older than me and considerably larger - she was mortified, I thought it was hilarious.

rockinhippy Thu 06-May-10 13:21:30

Just remembered another...

@ a Nursery picnic, I was chatting to some other parents, only to have one nudge me, & I turned around to see DD, then 3,1/2 doing hand stands......with no knickers on..... turned out she had whipped them off just before leaving the house.......... on telling her off, & asking what she's done with her knickers, she proclaimed VERY loudly...WELL MUMMY!!, I TOOK THEM OFF AS THATS WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO shock

funniest bit, was 3 other Mums feeling sorry for me & then owning up to not wearing knickers in Summer, as they believed DD.......when it wasn't true blush

Portofino Thu 06-May-10 13:21:40

DD (about 5) spotted a woman suffering from Dwarfism and said in a very loud voice: "Look at that little girl Mummy. Hasn't she got very fat legs and the most enormous bottom!" blush

I tried to drag her away and started to explain that the woman was in fact an adult to which dd replied "REALLY!!! You could have fooled ME!!"

eeniemeenie Thu 06-May-10 13:25:24

Two of many blush at the supermarket checkout in a very loud voice my DS (2 at the time) yelled 'Daddy says BOLLOCKS!!' and when he was 4 he saw a man jogging up a hill, DS shouts 'Daddy lets beat that man up' meaning lets race him to the top but by the way the joggers pace quickened I think he thought DS & DH were just about to duff him up.....

Gay40 Thu 06-May-10 13:29:39

Fuck off Grandad. That has had me laughing all day.

this has made me splutter my coffee all over the keyboard! grin


DS when he was about 3 asked very loudly in a cafe "why is that man so FAT?" I was mortified and squirmed and said "that isnt a very nice thing to say about someone"

DS then said, but he is Mummy, he is HUGE. - Cue the man turning round and saying "its coz I drink too much beer!" and grinning.

Thankfully, the man saw the funny side. Of course it was just before Christmas and the place was heaving with people. blush

DeeDon Thu 06-May-10 13:33:56

While waiting outside DD1's ballet class my DD2 (aged 3) said she wanted a drink. I suggested going to the shop next door but she said "I want to go to the bar". My refusal led her to lie on the floor screaming "I want to go to the bar!" Don't know where she gets it from grin

Another time my friend and I were driving into town with DS in the back seat of the car. A huge tipper truck came along the narrow country road, taking up both sides, not slowing down, and almost ran us off the road.

I shouted "you stupid bastard you nearly killed us!" then another truck came straight after that, and DS said "ooh no Mummy 2 bastards!"

My friend nearly wet herself laughing, I didnt know what to say, part of me was proud because he added to 2, part of me was blush because I try not to swear in front of the kids! So, I just said "good counting darling" THAT is what my friend remembers most about my DS being a toddler!

lilredinjun Thu 06-May-10 13:42:30

Haven't laughed so much for ages grin

DD(3) - in the lift at the hospital, only the 2 of us and one other lady.
DD pipes up "is that what a scarecrow looks like mummy?" blush

Needless to say I got out of the left at the next level...

clairefromsteps Thu 06-May-10 13:43:14

The other day in M&G Food Hall:

Me: After we're done shopping, what do you fancy doing?

DD (3): I want to go to the pub.

I should point out that the village pub has a lovely family garden and that we sometimes take the kids there on a Saturday tea time. I'm not some crazy booze-hound dragging her neglected children all over town in search of cheap vodka... Well, not often anyway.

And the cringiest one either of them have ever come out with was in a very crowded motorway service station toilet. I'd brought the kids into the cubicle with me and, pulling my knickers down, I realised that my period had come upon me all of a sudden. Before I could do anything:

DS (3) in the loudest voice I have ever heard him use: What's that in your knickers mummy? Is it jam?

ln1981 Thu 06-May-10 13:44:30

These are brilliant-have been told off by ds1 for guffawing very loudly!

DD is pretty good at giving me the blushes-at the zoo last year, whilst looking at all the lovely monkeys, she happened to notice one that was a bit 'excited' shall we say. Cue lots of comments from her about the monkey's winky and how big it was and why was it pulling at it etc. etc. The place was full of people trying (and failing) not to laugh at her. I was so red, i could have set the place alight! blush

I will also admit to a bit of road rage at times-there is no denying it really, when soemone pipes up from the back "are you not gonna beep the horn at that car?" after being cut up. blush
ds1 used to take great delight in telling everyone who would listen about my delightful language whilst in the car...

OrganicHairbrush Thu 06-May-10 13:45:39

When I was at uni a friend of mine had to bring his DS into a lecture as the childminder had called in sick at the last minute.

DS "Daddy this is boring. Could we go and do a bit more pooing together instead?"

DS aged 4 at the time- 'mummy that lady looks like the joker in batman' (she was wrinkly he later said)

again DS- 'old people need sticks DD1 because they're very old and can't walk'

again DS in a shop- 'mummy look at that fat man' (i agree the man was very large but he said it right next to him!! AND pointed)

DD1 on the bus, aged 3 at the time- 'that man in front of me smells, he might have trumped and not said excuse me'

DD1 in a shopping queue- 'that man has a willy doesn't he mummy? and you have a front bottom and BIIIIIIIG boobies dont you mummy?'

DD1 at nursery last week, now aged 4 (re-told throguh teacher)- 'my mummy has milk in her boobies, i have the milk in my breakfast- it tastes yummy'

God- too many to list them all but they are the best that come to mind right now!!

ln1981 Thu 06-May-10 13:47:05

in fact ds1 being able to read and spell is not always a blessing come to think of it.

the other day, he proudly told me how to spell the 'S' word hmm and there was me wondering all this time...

Dollytwat Thu 06-May-10 13:49:09

silverdog you've actually made me cry laughing

Jamiki Thu 06-May-10 13:51:58

My friends young (3) DD running up the hall to join Dad in the shower slipped and scratched her bottom on the metal slat that used to join up lino pieces in old houses. So the next day at day care tells the child care worker "I was in the shower with Daddy and now my bottom is sore".

Love em!

belly36 Thu 06-May-10 13:53:53

During a quiet moment in church DS who wasn't quite 2 dropped a book and exclaimed at the top of his voice "oh bollocks"

Once when walking past a fried chicken place DS took one look at the boys (black) standing outside and said "monkeys oooo oooo oooo"

I asked DS to let a lady past in a shop and he said "that's not a lady it's a granny"

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 06-May-10 13:54:06

'Why don't you have boobs , ladies have boobs?'

To a woman in the swimming pool changing room.

sliceofcake Thu 06-May-10 13:56:45

Heard this one secondhand, but picture a family out for posh celebration meal, with grandparents etc.

3 year old boy asks grandad to pass the ketchup, and on being stopped and told by his mum " what do you say?" calmly announced...

"sorry, pass the f'ing ketchup, grandad" grin

My own DS (3) broke down sobbing recently whilst we were out and begged me not to flush him down the toilet again hmm

katiepotatie Thu 06-May-10 13:58:23

DD 3 - "Mummy this is a f*king sandwich"
Me - "no it's an egg sandwich"

lovingthesun Thu 06-May-10 14:01:33

we were sitting next to 2 wig wearing old ladies in a cafe.

DD piped up very loudly "look at the grannies funny hair"

ThatsNotMyBag Thu 06-May-10 14:03:15

"Look at that mans hat"

Full volume DS whilst pointing at a bloke with an obvious wig.

MrsMeow Thu 06-May-10 14:07:28

Oh God, my DC have both said SO many embarrassing things over the years - it's a wonder I still go out in public!

One thing that sticks in my mind was when DS started reception, DD was already in the same school and there had been a run of letters asking for money for this that and the other. It was January so things were tight after christmas and I was getting fed up of getting these letters so was moaning to DD about it. A couple of days later DS came marching out of class, waving a letter above his head and shouting "look Mum, they want MORE bloody money off us" The letter turned out to be about something completely different. That was mortifying enough, but I was talking to my friend later, who is also a TA in reception and she told me that when she handed the letters out, DS had shouted "oh I'm getting fed up of this, what do you want money for NOW?" My friend said that the teacher had to leave the room as she was laughing so much.

I've also had the public toilets thing with both of them; are you doing a wee or a poo mummy? Why do you have rope coming out of your bits mummy? Good girl mummy, along with a round of applause - this was when potty training DD!

And not the DC so slightly off topic, but DH, DD & I were in a shop when DD was about 18 months old, we were trying to look at something and DD was lying on the floor in front of us tantrumming. DH looks down at DD and says "DD get up now or I'll kick you in the head" cue a loud tut and a look of total and utter disgust from an old lady stood next to us. DH had meant , if you don't get up I may accidentally kick you in the head. But obviously it didn't come across like that!!

Jamiki Thu 06-May-10 14:11:36

Occasionally I come out with 'damn it or sh*t' and DS (3) says 'Don't say it Mummy, don't say the F word'.

Which I don't by the way that is DHs transgression. That we are working on.

DS says "DD said the F word Mum', I say "Did she? What did she say?
DS says "She said DUMB (or Shut Up)".

CaveMum Thu 06-May-10 14:12:41

The daughter of a lady I work with caused much mirth in the local Tesco a few years ago, she was 4 at the time.
Whilst doing the weekly shop said daughter disappeared into the next aisle and a cry came up of "Mummy! I've found your juice!" She then appeared from around the corner carrying a bottle of red wine grin

Jamiki Thu 06-May-10 14:13:41

P.S. Poor Grandad!

notquitenormal Thu 06-May-10 14:20:29

DS doesn't talk much yet, so I've got this to come, but my brother (who is much younger than me) once asked an old lady on the bus if she was going to die soon, 'because you are really very old.'

And he got very excited once at the airport when he saw a muslim lady in a full black burka because he thought she was Batman. Luckily she thought this was very funny and spent about an hour swooping around the departure lounge with him and her children shouting 'na na na na Batman!'

heymango Thu 06-May-10 14:23:38

In a queue at the till in John Lewis DS (4) noticed a tall man in front of us with a hat on - 'Oh look, it's Indiana Jones', he announced loudly. As the man turned around to smile kindly at us, DS realised his mistake - 'oh no it isn't, THAT man has got a dark face'. I turned a delightful shade of beetroot and swiftly had a chat with DS.

Jamiki Thu 06-May-10 14:24:27

My friend trying to explain honestly why/how she was having a baby by donor sperm to her 8yo DS. "Because it takes girl parts and boy parts to make a baby and I only have girl parts".

The next day they are talking to the neighbour man (aquaintance at most) and her DS says "You have a willy you can help my Mum make a baby".

Cringe factor!

chiefcook Thu 06-May-10 14:26:56

I was sitting in Dominos Pizza with DS1 (4) and he says rather loudly...Mummy has that lady eaten too much pizza?

I turned to see a very large lady sitting next to us!!

he also told a lady in the Coop that he had gone to school in his pyjama top (Rushed morning where I didn't realise he was wearing vest, PJ tshirt, School polo and jumper!!)

DS (age 3) on kissing old lady in sitting room of old people's home.
Very loudly, "Cor! That prickled!"

DD, at supermarket check out, loading up her loot.
"I've got peanuts now. I just need a willy."

turkeyboots Thu 06-May-10 14:39:12

My DC haven't said anything as funny as this yet!

When we went to France for the first time as little kids, my Mum made a big point of telling us how French policemen had guns. On the way back to the ferry, we got pulled over for speeding. Cue my brother (3yrs) screaming at the policeman "Don't shoot my Daddy"!

AnAngelWithin Thu 06-May-10 14:47:55

ok....well here goes...not quite public but FIL was sat in the lounge, in walks DS1 (age about 3) with my, erm, ahem <<vibrator>> waving it around and yelling 'LOOK AT MY LIGHT SABRE GRANDAD' blush

DS1, 3 at the time, in our village shop. He saw an old lady and for some reason took a dislike to her, even though she was smiling kindly at him. He pointed his tube of smarties up at her and started waving them like a wand whilst saying 'Get back you creepy thingy'!

paisleyleaf Thu 06-May-10 14:55:25

I picked something up off the floor for a lady in a wheelchair who'd dropped it and DD said "mummy, that lady can talk"

(I work with people in wheelchairs who can't)

Olifin Thu 06-May-10 14:59:31

Oh what a fantastic thread. Our DD has several times asked loud and embarrassing questions about large people, old people etc. Nothing too out of the ordinary though.

DS' language development has been quite slow and his speech is unclear. His pronunciation of 'again' sounds remarkably like 'gay'. We were having a nice walk along the seafront recently and OH was throwing DS up in the air, spinning him about etc. DS was shouting 'GAY! GAY! GAY!' at the top of his voice. At that precise moment, two handsome and very well-dressed young men walked by with their chihuahua... from the look they gave us, I can only assume they were a couple.

LadycAshcroft Thu 06-May-10 15:05:45

DS can't stop talking about 'poof poof Pat' blush in a real Geordie voice. He is two Postman Pat is by far his favourite character.

umf Thu 06-May-10 15:06:48

I bought a toolkit for DS (2yrs) when we were renovating house, so he could do DIY with daddy. Unfortunately the imitation was a bit too good. Found him banging with hammer, happily saying over and over again "Knock knock SHIT! Knock knock SHIT!".

Mummy, why does that man have a black face?

Which is absolutely fine on its own, but we happened to keep passing each other in the shop so was followed up with:

Why doesn't he wash it off?


Is his willy black as well?


Mummy, is that black man God?

houmousandcarrotsandwich Thu 06-May-10 15:11:20

I'm suppost to be at Tescos, but I'm too busy laughing at this thread!!!

Looking forward to these! (DS is 17 weeks)

LouIsOnAHighwayToHell Thu 06-May-10 15:18:20

I am meant to be voting and picking the DC's up from school but this is much better. My face hurts from laughing.

JeffVadar Thu 06-May-10 15:19:09

Years ago I was at a wedding in a small country church. There was a little boy there (about 2/3) who was fascinated by the cameras everyone had. At the end of the service the official photographer was standing in the aisle waiting to snap the happy couple as they walked out of the church. He was holding one camera and the other one was hanging over his shoulder - it was a big SLR with a long lens. Small boy gazed admiringly at it for a few seconds before saying very loudly in impressed tone of voice 'You've got a big one!'

My own, dear DS has been fairly restrained, but I did once take him with me to drop off some cash to a local builder. Very kindly he and his wife asked us in for a cup of tea, so to entertain us DS announced loudly 'I've done TWO poos today!' blush It wasn't even true! But as we were potty training at the time I suppose it was the most impressive feat he could think of to amuse the assembled company.

kittycat37 Thu 06-May-10 15:19:57

Recently I went to a loo in a station with my DD (3). We then crushed into a packed commuter train whereupon DD announced in clear loud voice to assembled carriage 'Mummy, you put that teabag up your bottom when we were in the loo, why did you do that?' I was mortified and mumbled about explaining later before distracting her with crisps. I then avoided catching anyone's eye for the whole journey home.

(I think she meant tampon)

Eve4Walle Thu 06-May-10 15:23:05

Just thought of another.

DD (6) playing in her room last week with very prim little friend over for tea.

They have the dolls house and barbie car out, can hear them playing, then DD says 'Beep Beep, get out of the way you stupid bastard'. I went in to tell her off but to be fair, I don't have much patience in the car and may have said something like that on occasion!

sooz28 Thu 06-May-10 15:36:59

On holiday, sat at breakfast, we asked our eldest, aged 7, very quietly, if his willy was feeling better this morning. (he'd been complaining about it hurting the night before).
His litle brother, aged 3, pipes up at the top of his voice, "You shouldn't say willy. It's a penis. PEE NISS"

In loo in Sainsbury's, DD pipes up in a very loud voice - "Mummy, why are you wearing a baby nappy?" (sanitary towel)

From my own childhood; I actually remember this one - shouting across the road on the way to school, at neighbour (Susan) and her mum: "My mum doesn't like the name Susan" (in a ner ner voice)

I was very fond of our cat. One day we were on the bus & I was sitting on Mum's lap. The woman in front had a fur collar on her coat. Mum said I suddenly leaned forward, started stroking the collar & saying loudly "Nice pussy.. aah!... lovely pussy..." The woman turned round, irritated & embarrassed but Mum was laughing too much to stop me!

TheOldestCat Thu 06-May-10 15:46:49

Great thread!

DD (3) loudly to DH at our local supermarket: "Daddy, put me in the trolley now or I'll STAB you".

I have twins, & DS (2) wanted to wear dresses like his sister. We explained that boys/men don't. We went to a wedding, got there late, the church was full & everyone was sitting quietly, waiting for the bride to arrive. We hovered at the back, wondering where to sit, when DS pointed down the aisle and shouted "LOOK! THAT MAN'S WEARING A DRESS!"

It was the vicar blush.

waltonsmountain Thu 06-May-10 15:51:58

DH has a choice turn of phrase on occasion and DD is 3 and repeats things verbatim that he says.
In a National Trust garden last week, went to the ladies loos, 5 cubicles occupied with genteel old ladies. DD and I enter the only empty cubicle, whereupon DD recoils in horror and cries out 'UGH! Yuck! Mummy someone has turfed one out!'
I had to laugh and heard more laughter coming from adjacent cubicles...

DastardlyorSmugly Thu 06-May-10 16:02:06

I arrived at nursery one night to collect the DCs and staff kept coming up and congratulating me. Turns out DS had told everyone that I had a baby in my tummy. A baby boy as I recall. I was mortified - had to explain to everyone and DS it wasn't true and promptly started a diet the next day.

Olifin Thu 06-May-10 16:10:49

I thought you were going to say it was the bride for a minute there SmellslikeTeenSweat!

Re. stuff we say when we're angry in the car...I used to swear rather a lot at other drivers but DD was beginning to copy some of my phrases. I have now worked hard at moderating my language in that context and, as a result, DD will now say things like: 'Mummy, that driver is a codpiece, isn't he?'

She also once said 'Grrr...this is really pissing me off' when she was about 2.5, in front of my Dad who is not a fan of even mild swearing. That was embarrassing.

superv1xen Thu 06-May-10 16:30:09

hahahaha this thread is brilliant!

whilst sat on a packed bus with my then 3 yo DS, he saw a picture of an elephant on an advert and yelled "LOOK MUMMY! A FUCKING ELEPHANT!!!" i was mortified. (and why it was a "fucking" elephant i have no idea!)

then when DD was a newborn (he was 3), he was watching me change her nappy and said "Mummy, why has she not got a winky?" and I said, because girls don't have winkies. he then looked thoughtful and said "well we will have to buy her one then won't we"

and once i bumped into an old school friend in town, who, bless her, has cropped hair and is rather manly looking, and my son said, mummy, who is your friend? i replied, her name is hayley. he replied, is hayley a man or a lady?" blush i almost died!

earlyriser Thu 06-May-10 16:34:03

In a changing room trying on a blouse i took off my top but still had my (low rise) jeans on.

dd (4) pokes me in the back "that's a really big lumpy bit mummy, ds, shall we see if there is one at the other side? oh look there is one there too"

Vows there and then to get rid of muffin top and NEVER to take my children ionto a changing room again!

eeniemeenie Thu 06-May-10 16:36:10

I've just remembered another one which happened recently, DS aged 5 said in the queue at the chemists for no apparent reason and in the most plaintive voice I have heard him use 'PLEEEEAAASSE MUMMY STOP DRINKING SO MUCH RED WINE!!!' EVERYONE turned round to get a look a the drunken mother, it wouldn't be so bad but I hardly ever drink wink

dilemma456 Thu 06-May-10 16:36:16

Message withdrawn

Because all three of ours used tobath together, we often had 'namings of the parts' discusions. 8yo ds1 had himself in stitches once by announcing that "if this is a penis, then these must be peenuts". His sister and brother didn't understand, so he explained with the aid of, well, his bits.

A day or two later, I'm in the supermarket with nearly 3yo ds2, muttering to myself "...nuts...eggs...peanut butter..." as you do. Ds2 anounces,repeTedly and loudly

I have nuts in my willy. Mummies don't have willies and nuts. Do you have nuts in your knickers?

pjmama Thu 06-May-10 16:42:06

DH took DS swimming recently. After their swim, DH asked DS in the changing room if he needed to go for a wee. He replied very loudly "No it's okay Daddy, I did a wee in the pool!"

CwtchyBlueMama Thu 06-May-10 16:48:42

Love this thread,so so funny grin

Just remembered another one,we took ds shopping & decided to go to M&S for lunch,cue ds who had just turned 3 at the time asking to go to the loo.

I said i would take him & he wanted to have a poo,when he had finished he shouted in the loudest voice ever "Mummy, i have just done a poo like King Kongs finger" blush

The toilets were full of old ladies tutting at my filthy mouthed toddler.

Yes,dh had taught him that lovely phrase.

LadyBlaBlah Thu 06-May-10 16:57:05

So, there was the time with the man with dwarfism...........

DS2 shouted "look at that man, look at that man" all in ear shot of the man, pointing and speaking in a loud voice blush blush

Thought that was bad enough. That was until DS1 piped up in all seriousness "don't worry DS2, its just an elf"


blush blush blush blush

EdgarAllenPoll Thu 06-May-10 16:59:26

one of the mercies of a not-very-verbal toddler...not much in this vein.

DD ran up to the Vicar shouing 'Daddy' at playgroup though.

DH used to help with the scouts and I did too. I was out hiking with a group of 12 -13 year old scouts when we came to a narrow bit of the footpath. An elderly lady with a tiny little terrier type dog was coming in the opposite direction. I was so proud of the scouts as without hesitation they all stood to one side to let the elderly lady pass.

Just as she gets to the end of the line the one next to me says 'Like yer rat missus'.

EdgarAllenPoll Thu 06-May-10 17:06:25

smellsliketeensweat - you must be a real Nirvana fan, to know it was deoderant...

>mini hijack<

Devn is indeed a perfect place sitting. and thinking.

DS made me cringe slightly in Waitrose a few months back (must have been about 22 months) when he picked a small can of coconut cream off the conveyor belt and pretended to drink it, all the while loudly saying 'BEER, mummy! Look, BEER!' grin I give it to him all the time, of course.

Not in public (thank god!) but the other day, I picked him off the floor where he was languishing in front of Cbeebies, and put him in his highchair for lunch. He put up a bit of a fuss ('want Iggle piggle, mummy') and then looked sad and said, very clearly, 'bugger'. I was shock and said 'What did you say?' and he thought a little bit, and then said 'Bloody hell'. Both of them came out a bit resigned and sad. I thought, well at least he's got the context right for swearing!

This is all my fault, I am a terrible potty mouth and DH waves the swear box at me on a daily basis. blush I'm going to be publically ostracised, aren't I?

I dropped DD1 (3) at nursery the other day and her nursery nurse said, "Oh isn't it a lovely day! Shall we go out to the garden?" to which she replied, "No! It's fucking freezing!" blush

Also, a few months ago I was visiting my (very old, very unwittingly racist) Nana with the kids. I had such a bellyache and had nipped upstairs to go to the loo and when DS2 noticed I was missing he wailed, "Where's my Mummy gone?". My Nana told him I'd ran away with a darkie and I swear I didn't think about it again until about a week later, DH & I took all four kids to Sainsburys and I realised halfway around that we'd forgotten yoghurt. I ran back and just heard DS2 ask DH where I'd gone. DH - unthinkingly - said, "She's ran away" to which DS2 mournfully cried, "WITH A DARKIE?!"

Needless to say, we had a chat with Nana.

DS & his willy again - I went to pick him up from after-school club and he was wearing someone else's shirt. I asked what had happened and they said he had had a bit of an accident and they'd changed his shirt - so DS pipes up helpfully 'I went to the toilet and my willy was sticking up so the wee went all over my shirt!'

CarrotGirl Thu 06-May-10 17:45:21

When dd1 was going through the terrible twos she regularly used to shout "I WANT MY MUMMY!" mid tantrum...really really loudly. Making me out to be either some sort of child abductor or the worst childminder in the world!

maltesers Thu 06-May-10 17:48:02

"mummy are you doing a Poo ?" , my youngest ds said in a public toilet, when he was about 4 yrs.
He also said "Fucking b. . . ." when he fell over once.
I have two grown up kids as well and the language he used to hear when they lived at home was very fruity !!!(bad )
I feel sometimes i literally want to gag him. He can be VERY outspoken, as he had mild ADHD. When he is misbehaving and i have to retrain him out shopping occassionally he shouts " GET OFF ME" ! . . .SO embarrassing. ! blush

CarrotGirl Thu 06-May-10 17:49:20

(I am her mummyhmm)

Loving this thread, think I'll read it all grin

CarrotGirl Thu 06-May-10 17:56:59

Oh and ..."Mummy you've got a hairy bottom, MUMMY YOU'VE GOT A HAIRY BOTTOM! *MUMMY WHY HAVE YOU GOT A HAIRY BOTTOM*?!!" while in the semi-open showers at a campsite we stayed out. I could hear sniggers of laughter coming from the campsite office right next door.

Was in the shower with DD at the swimming pool, showers are indivdual, enclosed cubicles.
DD (age 3) said she needed the toilet, so I whispered to her 'Just do it in the shower' (Ok, I know I shouldn't have), she replied,
I was blush, and did not want to leave the shower!

BulletProofMum Thu 06-May-10 18:04:48

In the middle of a posh crowed changing room:

"look mummy - my winky's gone big'

Santa: What do you want for Christmas little girl?
DTD2: A Barbie doll please Santa.
(surrounding mums and dads, Aaaaaah)
Santa: And what do you want for Christmas little girl?
DTD1 with best Wednesday Adams smile: A witch doll
(surrounding mums and dads shock shock shock)

kimbles1984 Thu 06-May-10 18:08:45

my eldest son, aged about 2 or 3 had gone a bit crazy after eating a cake with icing on the eerily quiet housing benefit office he starts shouting repeatably in an extremely loud voice "MY MUMMY WEARS UNDERPANTS".....i most certainly do not! ......

Shaz10 Thu 06-May-10 18:26:51

Loving this thread.

My friend (when he was small!) was on the bus with his mum. The bus passed a field with a few animals in it.


<all off the bus at the next stop!>

pogleswife Thu 06-May-10 18:31:01

Carrotgirl - you reminded me- my dd (aged 3) used to tantrum regularly if we were on our way home, say from dropping brother at school, or from playgroup etc and if I picked her up to expedite matters she would yell at the top of her voice " This woman's not my mother!"

Also , on the bus with ds aged 4 who had recently had chicken pox. On gets a hooded youth (about 17)
- with acne, who sits opposite us (knees touching you know the seats i mean)"Look Mummy,
that little boy's had chicken pox too!"

PeedOffWithNits Thu 06-May-10 18:32:18

DD aged 2 and a bit when we were in a family changing cubicle at the pool

"why does daddy have a pony tail on his bottom?"

cue snorts from the next door room! I was not a MNer back them but I wonder whether there was a thread about it from the mum next door

BulletProofMum - we had a similar experience in Evans in Bluewater. Ds1 and ds2 were in the double buggy, when ds1 stood up, whipped his trousers down and announced in ringing tones; "Look - my wee wee is UP!"

I have to confess that I ran away went to the till to pay for my dress, and left dh to deal with it - I felt I didn't have the right experience or skill-set to cope! grin

Miggsie Thu 06-May-10 18:40:11

Going to school, she on scooter, me lagging behind due to only walking.

DD: "If you moved a bit faster mummy you could get some of that weight shifted"

Thanks, dear.

Mine is similar to ladyblablah's... My youngest who was 3 at the time (and has the most squeakiest voice which carries for miles, think alvin the chipmunk.) Pipes up on seeing a man with dwarvism 'mummy look, look one of santa's elves.'

PeedOffWithNits Thu 06-May-10 18:57:12

Oh Ive just remembered a classic

my parents had a dog called Bomber, a big black labrador

visiting them in south london one day, we pop out with youngest DC in buggy to the local supermarket

DC sees a black ladrador and shouts "Look mummy, theres a Bomber! Look a bomber, granny, look over there, a bomber!"

I was embarrassed and PMSL at the same time

pogleswife Thu 06-May-10 19:17:06

Remembered another one. Visiting neighbours for first time . ( elderly couple) Sitting in lounge having a cuppa . Their dog comes in. Ds (7) pipes up " hello doggy, have you just been for a w.." The lady interrupts " NO! don't say the 'w' word, he'll go mad " Cue ds " what, wanker? "

Luckily they saw the funny side....

we were at the zoo and i asked the boys where they wanted to go next. they replied 'the buggery' (meaning bug house - obv) and ran off going 'buggery buggery' full blast.

i was actually quite proud of them.

muriel76 Thu 06-May-10 19:24:59

On the receiving end.....

I was in supermarket without the kids and queued up for the loo (can't think why it was so busy!!) anyway there were only 2 cubicles and when it was my turn I went in and there was the biggest jobby I have ever seen blocking the whole bowl UGH!

Didn't know what to do tho, it seemed really childish to come out again and wait for the other cubicle with all these people waiting etc etc so went for it anyway...........yuk.....anyway it would not flush away so in the end I sidled out and a woman went in with her little daughter.

Started washing my hands (still a queue) and the little girl goes really loudly LOOK MUMMY THAT LADY HAS DONE THE MOST ENORMOUS POO!! then I could hear the mum trying to shut her up.

Wanted the ground to swallow me up but also wanted to say loudly, 'it wasn't me! it was already there' lol

I just slunk out instead! so blush

blushingm Thu 06-May-10 19:26:32

dh has a terrible habit of swearing without realising and ds picks up on this

one time someone cut me up on a roundabout - cue ds in the back shout stupidfuckingwoman (all one word) he though you said it when you wanted to shout 'watch out'

another time in the back on the childminders car they little girl with him has nodded off. ds wanted to chat so said 'wake up XXX', she didn't wake so he tried again 'wake up XXX' a little louder. still nothing. At the top of his voice 'for fucks sake XXX wake up!'

cm was trying so hard not to laugh when she told me - she did ask him to repeast it as she didn't believe what she'd heard - blushblush

IMoveTheStars Thu 06-May-10 19:47:41

DS, when asked what noise a dog makes shouted 'FAAAARK'

lottiejenkins Thu 06-May-10 19:51:50

My ds is profoundly deaf........he didnt learn to speak till he was seven. He used to try and say Mother and it came out as Bugger. Cue lots of embarassment in libraries, shops etc when a little voice pipes up "BUGGER" very loudly!!!

aniseed Thu 06-May-10 19:55:01

We went to the seaside when our ds was 2. He had trouble pronouncing some words. He said 'bitch' for beach. Hence whenever we went near the beach he shouted 'bitch' and pointed madly. Women walking by gave us some dirty looks. We were in hysterics!

OneTwoBuckleMyShoe Thu 06-May-10 20:18:35

Not had the pleasure of this from DD as at only 7 months all we have had is dadadadada

BUT me as a 3 year old, marching (that's right MARCHING) through Marks singing at the top of my lungs "ONE TWO THREE JESUS LOVES ME" as if this wasn't enough to make my Mum blush I then pointed out all the people who would go to Hell.

I didn't go back to Sunday School for a while after that!

domesticslattern Thu 06-May-10 20:18:58

Puddytats that is one of the funniest things I have ever read on MN!

DS1 used to frequently yell 'Help! HEEEEEELLLLLP!' in public whenever I wanted him to do something which wasn't quite to his liking. I got loads of looks from people who I'm sure suspected I was trying to kidnap him! shock

He also makes up his own words and was shouting Backy Backy but the B sounded more like a P blush Oh and my lovely DNs (11 and 13) have taught both boys to shout 'Buddha' at the top of their lungs frequently hmm

I should just stay home.

One of those 'Thanks, CBeebies' moments was when Boogie Beebies had a dance called the Bug A Lug Lug. I mean FFS! There must have been DC all over the country singing 'BUGGER BUGGER LUG!' at the tops of their voices on stations, in Sainsburys, etc.
It can't just have been mine, can it?

fatwildwoman Thu 06-May-10 20:37:45

Another public toilet story - two cubicles and a queue, ds sits thoughtfully on the loo and listens to the waterfall next door: 'Cor, shes doing loads of wee mum'
Cue sniggers - from the queue, spasmodic silence from the next cubicle

koekje Thu 06-May-10 20:42:15

Not what DD (21 mths) said, but did...

I was pretending that I understood what the plumber was telling me about why the boiler wasn't working, when DD scooted round the corner on her trike wearing Mummy's skimpiest G-string proudly on her head, and sat there watching us trying to keep straight faces.

red37 Thu 06-May-10 20:46:17

I went into Tesco with ds2 and was desperate to go for a poo anyhow had to take ds into the loo with me as he was 2 and didnt want to leave him out of the cubilcle...

and you can guess the rest

all he kept saying out loud was "hey mummy are you having a poo"

Sshh "yes dear


and the toilets were packed

notcitrus Thu 06-May-10 20:49:42

DS isn't 20 months yet so thought I'd have time before he could say embarrassing stuff.

However, I'm still waiting to be called Mummy.
He insists on calling me DADDY!! instead.
When anyone tries to correct him he does his 'don't be so stupid' giggle and says No! Daddy!


Haystack Thu 06-May-10 21:04:38

what a brilliant thread - am crying with laughter as I read.

dd (5) at (rubbish) pantomime - crowd is subdued and the pantomime Dame decides to gee us up telling us to wake up and laugh more - dd stands up and into the silence shouts in deeply offended voice 'But you're NOT FUNNY'

When she was a toddler dh worked away. He also had long black hair and she once chased a poor EMO teenage boy with long black hair all the way down the main street screeching 'Daaadddyyy' in a plaintive wail. I was old enough to be his mum, poor boy blush

hlore Thu 06-May-10 21:30:04

a friend told her 3 yr old to stop being a baby in the waitrose queue response:
I'm not a f*cking baby, I'm a F*cking tiger!!!

LuluF Thu 06-May-10 21:34:00

We were on holiday in a seaside town in Norfolk a few years ago, walking along a busy pedestrian street and DD was on DH's shoulders. DH had to try to get a proper grip on her hands and at the top of her voice she shouted, 'Daddy, stop fiddling with me!'

I think it was the same trip - we were on one of those steam train rides and I was heavily pregnant with our third. Again packed train, and she annouces to everyone in the carriage, 'Mummy's got a baby in her tummy and it's going to come out of her foofoo'. She was so proud.

I suppose it's no more than I deserve. My Mum told me of a time when I was 2 or 3, I told a lady that my Mum was having a baby (she wasn't) but the lady humoured me and asked what it would be called. I answered 'Sarah-Seer Grasshopper' if it was a girl. And the lady said, 'and if it's a boy?', apparently I put my finger on my chin, and said, thoughtfully, 'Old F**r, I think'.

On a bus with DS when he was about 2, the man in front of us was having a very exasperated and repetitive conversation on his phone, the gist of it being that he was going home, not coming back and that someone else would be over later. Mercifully, he got off the bus a stop before we did, because as we disembarked DS suddenly yelled 'I'm going HOME, I'm NOT coming BACK and LEE's taking over LATER!'

angel886 Thu 06-May-10 22:10:18

My sister - aged 4 at the time - was asked at church "what's your daddy's name?" She replied "Uncle Keith"!!!

She'd only ever heard my cousins calling my dad by his name!

orangemoon Thu 06-May-10 22:24:04

Whilst handing a bottle of wine to a cashier, ds (5) says "mummy likes alcohol, my mummy's an alcoholic".
I would like to point out i rarely drink.

TidyBush Thu 06-May-10 22:44:48

In a packed lift with my DDs and DD1, who was about 4 yo,let out a really loud burp.

Me: "what do you say?" (expecting her to say pardon me)

DD1 (very proudly) "cor that was a good one wasn't it?"

Cue lots of grinfrom the people in the lift and me all blush at my failed attempt at teaching manners.

MrsSchadenfreude Thu 06-May-10 23:10:16

DD2, aged 5, in museum shop, going to pay for her postcard. Very tall (and v obviously transvestite) woman on the till. DD2:

"Excuse me?"

Woman bends down, smiling, as DD2 is proffering postcard and money.

"Are you, or did you used to be, a man?"

DH and I cowered behind the books and didn't hear a reply!

mumofeightplusfour Thu 06-May-10 23:38:36

dd age 3 to granny where is the adult magazine daddy reads in the toilet ? after muchembarrassment all round dd explains the one with all the christmas presents in . she had been looking for the argos catalogue!

BonzoDoodah Thu 06-May-10 23:49:30

Haystack - love that one! Reminds me of my friend's sister (who apparently) in the middle of a really long sermon - stood up on the church pew and shouted "shut UP" (well everyone else was thinking it!)

I was cut up really badly by a white van driver and blurted "knobsock!!" ... and then from the back seat (DD 18 months old) came "SOCK!!!" [the relief ... partly]

Oh and my friend didn't think she swore much in the car until someone else hooted their horn and her son shouted "wanker!"

ArsMamatoria Fri 07-May-10 00:03:11

DD1 (2 at the time):

Going past the cheese counter in Waitrose -"What's that smell, Mummy? Have you done a fart?"

To the seagulls on the beach:
"Go away Mr Seagull. Go away. BUGGER OFF!"

oh i am pmsl @ 'Daddy, stop fiddling with me!' grin

oh yes, the car ones blush dd (3 at the time) and I were watching a lady try to park her car in a smallish space.. (we were waiting to go past, in summer so all windows open)

dd: 'OH. MY. GOD. mummy, you could put a jumbo jet in there couldn't you?' 'she's taking the piss!' 'HURRY UP WOULD YOU!'blush

another one..

dp was driving and someone tried to cut him up and then repeatedly acted stupid trying to overtake us, dp just zoomed off and they got stuck behind another car

me: 'haha suckers'

dd: yea motherfuckers!!'

we were like this shock shock

babymutha Fri 07-May-10 00:51:33

DD (aged 2) in public toilets v loud, sweet voice:

"Mummy you got blood?"

"Mummy, you got spiders on your lady bits..."

babymutha Fri 07-May-10 00:58:20

oh yes and now I come to think of it.
DD (aged 1ish) to any single man on the bus -
"Daddy" - sure I'm not alone in that one...

and DNephew (20months) to HV during a home visit to make sure DD and DN should not be put on any registers uttered only 2 words.

"Fock" - he had just dropped a 'frog' followed by
"Pissin?" - whilst trying to find the little 'person' he had just been playing with.

I did attempt to explain...

red37 Fri 07-May-10 06:29:29

another one my ds answered the phone, he was about 7 and shouted down the phone..."stupid bloody sales people"
I managed to retrieve the phone and it was the school nurse wanting to make a home visit btw ds has adhd

GoldenSnitch Fri 07-May-10 08:13:05

DS has problems pronouncing F's, they come out more like a 'Sl' sound (he's only 3)

Imagine my mortification when, after being given a flag at a day out and being very excited about it, he runs round our (completely surrounded, suburban) garden yelling "Mummy flag, Mummy flag" over and over at the top of his voice! blush

chiefcook Fri 07-May-10 11:34:55

We all thought DS1 was making cute little chicken sounds when he was about 26 months... until I was rushing to get to toddler group running around going.....

buggerbuggerbuggerbugger.... you get the picture!!

chiefcook Fri 07-May-10 11:36:01

His first word was car btw!!! (phew!)

marge2 Fri 07-May-10 11:36:27

Years ago I was in Smiths with my 'every other weekend' stepkids. We were looking for presents for DH for Christmas so it was PACKED. SS who was about 4 or 5 at the time spotted a football annual with the players on the front lined up for a free kick all covering their balls, as they do.

He said EXTREMELY loudly.

Look M, Why is that man is holding his VAGINA??

I could only guess he had overheard his Mum telling his bigger sisters the proper anatomical name and thought it applied to lads too

But I nearly died.

BloomingFlowers Fri 07-May-10 11:41:33

DD has only ever said it in private (but I realised that she was mimicking me).

Thankfully she was only just talking.

Her version was "oy flick it's ship on a strip".

But I knew I had to moderate my language (in the car) when she called out "tosser" crystal clear.

rockinhippy Fri 07-May-10 11:45:03

I've got tears rolling down my face, these just get funnier & funnier

some have reminded me of a few more of DDs

On a back train heading North to visit family, I rang DH on my mobile......only to hear DD, then 2, 1/2 announce very loudly to a packed train, Mummy is trying to find Daddy, he'll be in the pub, he's always in the pub drinking too much beer, Mummy can never find him........que sympathetic looks all round blush........ & its not true confused

Another pretty scary one at about the same age... in front of MIL....thankfully her, & not my own Mum

"Mummy, Daddy doesn't really go to work you know" he really goes to see other Pretty Ladies shock"

poor sod was working his socks off at the time, & when I asked DD later why she lied about Daddy, she owned up to it been because she thought I would be cross & stop him going to work, as she missed himshock

No idea where she even got the idea for that one from confused

squishy Fri 07-May-10 12:19:06

Wow, I have been sitting here with tears streaming down my face, unable to speak and poor DD asking - are you laughing and crying, Mummy?!!!

Fabulous - this is what they should make a book out of; it'd be a bestseller!!!

ChippingIn Fri 07-May-10 12:20:50

MrsRhettButler Fri 07-May-10 00:46:21
oh yes, the car ones dd (3 at the time) and I were watching a lady try to park her car in a smallish space.. (we were waiting to go past, in summer so all windows open)

dd: 'OH. MY. GOD. mummy, you could put a jumbo jet in there couldn't you?' 'she's taking the piss!' 'HURRY UP WOULD YOU!

Out of the mouths of babe - I have tears rolling down my face...

Thanks guys....

(Blooming flowers - I need more help with yours, clearly my phonetics aren't up to scratch??)

OsbegaEthewulf Fri 07-May-10 12:29:19

this ain't spoken but the humiliation was there!

I was hosting a neighbourhood watch scheme in our house and half way through my dd toddled in wearing a pair of my worn knickers on her head soiled gusset outwards blush

My ds topped this feat by pulling his pants down whilst we were queuing in the building society to show me a poo sticking out of his bumhole


littlemoominmamma Fri 07-May-10 13:03:53

Sons friend in cinema shouting across foyar , "Can I have a large tub of cock porn!"

Husband not listening (as usual!) "salty or sweet????"


bzzbee Fri 07-May-10 13:16:51

Friends of my parents were at a nativity play last year to see their grandson (about 4yrs old at the time). He had really wanted to play Joseph from the beginning but had been given the part of the Innkeeper. Anyway, he seemed to have gotten over his disaapointment.

On the night of the play Joseph & Mary knock on the door of the inn to ask for a room, the Innkeeper opened the door and said (at the top of his voice) "Fuck Off Joseph".

maltesers Fri 07-May-10 14:26:38

ooohhhhh ! the little devil BZZBEE . . imagine the parents faces OMG shock

Beasknees Fri 07-May-10 14:29:24

i never in all my days expected to hear my daughter utter the immortal phrase ' mummy my marble's lost in my 'gina'.

How do you respond to that?

nooverallcontrol Fri 07-May-10 14:53:08

Our cm told me the other day that ds1 had had a conversation with her that went like this:

ds1: do you have boobies?
cm: yes xxx
ds1: does yyy (cm's 7 year old dd) have boobies?
cm: erm
ds1: do you have milk in your boobies? does YYY have milk in her boobies? Where's your pump? (I am expressing at work for ds2)

He's also asked her before if he can have some of her milk.


Notdirtyenough Fri 07-May-10 15:13:28

I am crying here!

Why are the funniest ones, the ones where it is children telling someone to fuck off? PMSL.

"Fuck off Grandad" and "Fuck off Joesph"

This thread needs to go in classics.

foureleven Fri 07-May-10 15:28:15

I have a few:

DD at childminder when i dropped her off and CM needed a wee: 'mummy go in the toilet with CM! you can see she has a furry doopydoopy. Why isn't your doopy furry? Is it because shes sooooooo much older than you?'

Same subject but in swimming pool changing room: 'Mummy, why are some doopys furry and yours is just like mine?'

To man in street in wheel chair; "why are you still in a pushchair?"

To my sister "why did freddie (half african cousin) come out with a brown face?"

VirginonRidiculous Fri 07-May-10 15:30:03

Waaaaa ha ha. I love this thread.

Hmmm.. ds1 (3.10yrs) shouting "Suprise!" whilst showing my friends his tiddler.

Out with GP's and calling a portly waitress a "fat freak" after watching my 15 year old relations having a slanging match and using the same terminolgy. blush

Always being amazed by soft/runny poo's and shouting for me to come and have a look.

VirginonRidiculous Fri 07-May-10 15:33:49

Or one I forgot. Standing in front of a man with only one leg and crutches and shouting " Look mum, this man only has one leg". I said " Gosh you're right DS1" exit. blush

foureleven Fri 07-May-10 15:33:56

"Mummy, Ive finished!!"

As she backs out of the toilet in to the doctors waiting room - pooey bottom in the air.

herewegoloopyloo Fri 07-May-10 15:43:05

DD aged 2 - in shopping centre, stops right in front of large man with mop of red hair, beard and glasses, points and says loudly in incredulous voice: "Look mummy! What' s THAT animal?" Fortuanately, he saw the funny side...

Also aged 2, meeting my husbands bosses and colleagues for first time at xmas drinks do, pulls up her top and says to the general crowd 'Look. I've got tiny, tiny nipples. Mummy's got big nipples". Then tries to pull down my (low-ish cut) top to try to demonstrate. Mortified< I hastily try to distract and send her in the direction of snacks, only to turn round a moment later to realise she is now demanding to know the size of everyone else's nipples and attempting to get visual verification! blush

And the old classic, whilst potty training, her walking back though crowded restaurant, with her singing 'mummy did a poo-oo. Well done mummy' accompanied by her clapping me loudly.....

Jacksmama Fri 07-May-10 15:50:54

DS (2.3) did a classic a few months ago. We were in the queue waiting to pay for groceries and the man in front of us farted. Judging by the little startled jerk he did, it was one of those "oops, it slipped out" ones but it was still rather loud. DS points at his back and says in his loudest toddler voice "YOU TOOT!!"
Cue JM wanting to sink into a deep hole in the ground. I distinctly heard several snickers around us. The man turned around with a very red face, looked at DS's extremely happy smile and said "I did, little man - sorry!"

What a lovely way to handle it... I apologized profusely, he waved away my apology and just said "what can I say, I did - kids, eh?".

foureleven Fri 07-May-10 15:50:58

Have realised how many of these moments I have had with DD!

To my mum "daddy has a HUGE willy grandma"

slug Fri 07-May-10 15:58:44

DD sitting on her grandmother's bed watching her get dressed aged about 3. (As repeated to me by a partly horrified, partly amused MIL)

"Nanny, My Mummy has wobbly tits. Do you have wobbly tits Nanny? My Mummy wears a bra to stop her wobbly tits from wobbling? Do you wear a bra too? My Mummy's wobbly tits are much bigger than your wobbly tits..."

ChickensNeedOpposableThumb Fri 07-May-10 16:03:35

My brother toddled in to my mum's tupperware party (attended by various members of the PTA) wearing a sanitary towel across his face. He loudly proclaimed 'Look Mummy! I am a sturgeon!'. Everyone just carried on examining the plastic, trying to ignore the small boy with a sanitary towel hooked around his ears.

somebodysfool Fri 07-May-10 16:06:36

It wasn't my child though they have said some funny things. It was beautiful little Irish girl on a train with her dad with lovely red curls. She was standing up talking to us we were on the chairs behind and it was before we had kids. She said my ma says I have a lovely head of hair. I said she's right you do. She said I don't get it from daddy look at him he's no hair on his head at all (she was right bald as a coot). The whole carriage could hear this conversation and poor daddy's head soon matched the colour of her hair.

mrsmeadwead Fri 07-May-10 16:24:10

My DD was about 2 at the time. We'd just been shopping at the supermarket, and had just got back to the car. Just before I started packing the shopping away, she said in a very loud voice 'Please don't put me in the boot mummy'.

Luckily the nearby woman thought it was funny!

nooverallcontrol Fri 07-May-10 19:48:04

I have tears streaming down my face, pleeease can we put this in classics?

DTD2 (mid tantrum) to my very nice MIL
'Why don't you just go home and DIE!!!!'.

InThisSequinBraYesYouOlaJordan Fri 07-May-10 21:05:03

As I approached the cut-price pinot grigio display at Majestic Wines: "Mummy - NOOOOO!" roared from buggy by DS1, 2.5 at the time.

Also DS1, aged 3ish in a changing cubicle "Mummy I can see your BOOBS" - sniggering from other cubicle...

And then this evening, as I am simultaneously picking up all the blueberries DS2 has spilt on the floor and wiping up the water he has also spilled, DS1 said "I think Daddy needs to come home, you are stressed."
Me: " I am not stressed"
DS1: "Yes you are."
DS2 (almost 3) "Yes you are Mummy."
Me: "No I am not!"
DS2 " Yes you are Mummy, you've got ALL your clothes on..."

SparklyJules Fri 07-May-10 21:08:03


Shouted very loudly in a crowded car park.

We had just been discussing the difference between Peacocks (male) and Peahens (female).

So, in her 5yr old logic, she turns to me and says "Mummy, you're a hen" and then, because daddy was walking ahead of us, found it necessary to shout the above.

We have never, never, been so red faced as we were that day!

oldandgreynow Fri 07-May-10 21:28:45

3 YO DS looking at a baby in a pram shouts at me across school playground

' mummy can we go home and make a baby?'

junglist1 Fri 07-May-10 21:48:05

Lady on bus: "Where's Daddy today?"
3 year old: "He's doing a poo. My poo was a Coke one last time"

LeQueen Fri 07-May-10 22:34:04

When my brothers were 7 & 5, Mum and Dad had invited some friends over from Germany (Dad had served in the RAF there). This couple were actually a lovely elderly German couple with whom Mum and Dad had lodged.

On the day of their arrival my brothers waited eagerly in the garden. As soon as the visitors pulled up on the drive and opened the car door, my brothers screamed 'The Germans are coming! The Germans are coming! Die you Nazi dogs! Die!' And all the while pretending to fire pretend machine guns and making loud rat-a-tat-tat noises. My brothers had recently been watching some WWII films...

My Mum said it was perhaps the only time in her life she was genuinely lost for words and wanted to cry with embarrassment.

Conundrumish Fri 07-May-10 22:59:54

'Oh look Mummy, a pirate' [man with eye patch walks past].

PeedOffWithNits Fri 07-May-10 23:03:25

Just remembered another - DD aged 2 to the HV on home visit

"Me got poo on me's new jammies, got pooh all over me's bed, got poo all over me's wall!"

I blush & hurriedly explained her obsession with WINNIE THE POOH - and her new bedroom makeover, having just moved into her new room to make room for baby DD2!!

PeedOffWithNits Fri 07-May-10 23:04:14

ROFL at pirate, he probably hears that one all the time!

14hourstillbedtime Fri 07-May-10 23:20:05

OK, this isn't in public, but it's just too funny not to post... grin

So, DS was having a shower with my DH the other day... Said son has shown a recent avid interest in bottoms, what various parts are called, etc. The problem is, he gets the component bits (as it were...)slightly confused, with this result:

DS: 'Daddy, you have a penis.'
DH: 'Yes, I do indeed.'
DS: 'AND a bagina!' (he thinks pubic hair is a vagina...)
DS: 'Why does your penis have a mushroom?!' (DH is circumcised, DS isn't)
DH: 'Um, it's not a mushroom...'
DS: 'Yes, it is!!' (pulling on it) 'But why doesn't it come off, Daddy?!'
Needless to say, DH was completely gobsmacked, and somewhat at a loss for the correct response...


This is definitely one to relay to future girlfriends!!

IMoveTheStars Fri 07-May-10 23:50:27

'Look Mummy! I am a sturgeon!'

[wees a little bit]

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 08-May-10 00:08:58

my son (now 18) once loudly shouted out in dorothy perkins "muummy - your leaving without paying!"
i had a pair of sunglasses in my hand and was heading to the shoe section....he has aspergers in his defence and he thought i was heading for the exit. stickler for the rules my boy!

i was followed by the store detective for the rest of my peruse round DP!

JaynieB Sat 08-May-10 00:17:53

I've been reading this for so long all my family have deserted me and gone to bed and I haven't emptied the washing machine.
DD age 3 has managed a couple of great ones recently, we were walking along near our house and she pointed at this man and said loudly 'Is that my Daddy?' Luckily he laughed.
Only a week or so ago, we'd been out on the train and were walking out of the station and there was a large and not terribly attractive woman walking behind us, DD looked behind and saw her and said really loudly 'Mummy, there's a monster following us' I pretended I hadn't heard.
She also came up with a great non-verbal one in Tescos, I was looking at something and a young quite alternative looking couple of teenagers stood next to us, she pointed at them and the just looked at me with an expression of pure 'would you look at that' - the girl looked quite hurt and her boyfriend put a protective arm around her and I scuttled off with my child craning over my arm trying to stare at them.

IMoveTheStars Sat 08-May-10 00:24:00

When DS sees women in the street with short hair, he very kindly stops, pokes them and says..

'hello man!'

IMoveTheStars Sat 08-May-10 00:25:25

...and if I dare correct him 'no DS, that;s a lady with short hair'



herbietea Sat 08-May-10 00:29:53

DS2 was about 2 at the time and we were in Tesco. It was absolutely packed, he was sat in the trolley holding his Teletubby.

A really young, good looking man tried to squeeze past us, touching the toy as he did so.

DS shouted in his loudest voice "Mummy, that man has just touched my Tinky Winky" It was obvous the man had no idea about Teletubbies. He looked horrified and made a really sharp exit.

DS1 about 2ish again, came into our bedroom one Saturday morning. I was BF DS2, so DH said DS1 could get into bed for a cuddle. DS1 whipped the duvet back really quick, revealing DH's morning glory. He said "Daddy, why is your willy on upside down?" I nearly wet the bed laughing!

herbietea Sat 08-May-10 00:38:45

DS1 was about 3 and we were at PIL's for the weekend. DH's Grandma had come to see us on the Sunday.

DH had been listening to a lot of Queen in the house and car. We only realised it was too much when DS1 said to his Great Grandma "Did you know, fat bottomedgirls they make the rocking world go round!" grin

ruthosaurus Sat 08-May-10 05:10:22

DS,aged about 1 and just starting to name animals, in a cafe with a bit of a rural theme, sees a picture of a chicken:
Best bit was that I had nipped to the loo, leaving him with my friend, and came back to find all the old dears in the place staring at them in amused horror.

foureleven Sat 08-May-10 15:23:04

Oh I have just remembered the best one;

DD aged 3, I was in a restaurant where you went striaght in to the toilets -

Me; which toilet should we go in to darling? One door has 'M' for...?

DD; Male?

Me; Yes darling well done. And 'F' for...?

DD (in the sweetest little voice); Fuck?

ahedgehogis Sat 08-May-10 16:41:40

DS is 22 months and has a habit of shouting cock cock (chocolate) when we are out and he wants a snack. Am fed up with explaining this one

Also a couple of weeks ago he asked for 'more 'genies now' Genie being 9 week old (at the time) DD. I posted this on FB to be told by my (5 years younger) sister that ' i had better not get pg again as I was stealing all the glory' (wtf - it took DH and I 5 years to conceive DS, and I am the eldest of 4, she on the other hand is on her second marriage, back living with my mum and dad as she cannot afford her mortgage and gets more for renting it out, and is 2 years into her nursing training, while her husband doesn't work) Sorry little rant there, which i needed to get off my chest.

Am loving the fuck off ones, I have been telling DH he needs to tone down his language because I do not want to have to deal with the blush in public or with the CM.

ruthosaurus Sat 08-May-10 20:07:40

My friend's DS, aged 3: "Mummy, when you die, I can go and live with Nana and have sweets."
My (widowed) pal is in rude health but is now almost suspecting her MIL of some dreadful plot...

Am pmsl at some of these!
Always told DD I would explain anything she asked me, thought we had got past the worst relatively unscathed.
Aged 10, big queue in Sainsburys "Mum, what's an orgasm?" That's what you get for leaving mags with problem pages in lying around.
Slightly off topic- DSS(5) to DH as he dried himself after a bath "Dad, your balls look like a dogs!"blush

BonzoDoodah Sat 08-May-10 21:28:58

'Daddy you're a cock' is soooooo good.

Tonight out for a meal ... coming back from the loo with DD (2:9) and walking through the tables " I did poo in a Chinese restaurant" (lovely dear)

missseptember Mon 10-May-10 14:01:38

Pmsl and choked on my cuppa @ upside down willy!! grin

ChippingIn Mon 10-May-10 14:07:05

Foureleven - so did you congratulate her on getting her sounds right ?? grin

VinoEsmeralda Mon 10-May-10 14:29:41

We went out for a meal a few weeks ago and the waitress had terrible adult acne. DS asked really loudly: Does that lady have chicken pocks?

On the beach he asked a man (who was rather large)if he had eaten all the pies as he had large boobies. And he didnt like it....

flootshoot Mon 10-May-10 18:35:39

My sister used to work at a nursery and a little girl there was always overdressed - big flouncy dresses, blond ringlets, - She skipped up to my sister one day with her hands behind her back - there's my sister thinking 'aww, what an angelic looking child, isn't she cute' - she then announced with abig smile 'I've just pissed myself'. grin

CheekyPinkSox Sun 16-May-10 16:42:36

My eldest DS1 who is 3 1/2 comes out with some corkers.

He is old before his time bless him.

Went to Tescos loos the other week, as soon as he sees Tescos its 'need a wee wee' so we go to the loos and i think i may aswell go as was going to be in town for some time. Anyway he had his wee, then was waiting for me and shouted loudly
DS1 - You have poo?
me - no just a wee
Ds1 - no you poo

i was mortified.

Another time when i was part time at work, i went to pick DS1 up from preschool in car, we got home to DH & DS2(2) and DS1 runs into house saying Mummy pushed me out of car shock I did no such thing

In January the kids stayed with my dad for the weekend and he told my dad that 'daddy had fallen down the stairs with him and cut his head'

Also he is currently in scotland with MIL for 2 weeks and as she has a small holding of animals including hens, ducks, sheep etc etc he goes into the pen every morning with his overalls and wellies on and says:
Hello Ladies - while he collects the eggs and then when he leaves he says
Thank you ladies.

Even at the advanced age of 10, DS1 still comes out with some crackers.

One day we were out and he told his brother: "When Mum and Dad die I'll inherit everything because I'm the oldest". Had to break it to him gently that he was not the bally Duke of Richmond and would be sharing whatever pauper's pittance was left.

Another time he became aware of some news item that totted up the cost of raising a child (howevermany thousands it was) and asked me rather worriedly: "Is that a loan or a gift?" grin

KittyTwoShoes Thu 10-Jun-10 15:45:46

These are hilarious! Your children are all so funny!

My little brother (then aged around 4) at Pony Club - "Mummy, my trousers feel tight. Very tight. Getting tighter. Mummy, my willy is all hard and big and standing up! WOW MUMMY! LOOK AT MY HARD LONG WILLY!" Then, as my poor mother tried to get him back into his jodphurs, "Mummy, it won't FIT." Followed by racing up to Sugar (his shetland pony, who was rather well endowed) for a size comparison.

Then there was the time we were at a funeral, sitting behind a very posh old lady in a fur hat. Little brother asks, very very loudly, "Why does that lady have a cat on her head?"

follygirl Fri 11-Jun-10 08:54:35

When my ds was 2 he couldn't say the 'l' in clock. We were visiting a school at the time and of course in every room there was a clock. He proudly pointed at every one and said really loudly 'cock'! I kept saying 'tick tock' but he kept saying the same word! Afterwards the teacher said that his speech was really good, I nearly wet myself!

Another classic is that when I'm driving and have near misses I say 'Jesus'. When we were at my sil's church wedding, my ds asked his uncle who the man on the cross was. Of course he replied that it was Jesus. My ds turned to dh and said in hushed and shocked tones 'Uncle James just said Jesus!' Again I had to stop myself from laughing as did most of the people in the pews around us.

Kids eh? Got to love them!

DS1 has a fascination with every car there is. Health Visitor came earlier this week for 2yr & 3yr checks on kids.

Jacks starring out the window at her car and proceeds to shout to her 'Let me look at your fadge?!'

Fadge aka BADGE! he wanted to know what make her car was.

Oh god it was plain as day and HV just laughed.

atah Wed 19-Jan-11 10:39:34

On a packed train my DS age 3 shouted there are 3 really bad things you should NEVER say mummy. Everyone turned and listened so i muttered then don't say them - he ignored me and shouted they are "stupid", "shut up" (I breathed a sigh of relief) and " f*** off!" blush had to sit there for another 20 agonising minutes.

Prunnhilda Tue 26-Apr-11 14:07:21

Too funny not to be shared again

saffy85 Fri 06-May-11 09:21:30

In the changing rooms with DD at the swimming pool:
"Mummy, how come you have tonnes of hair on your cootchie and I don't?" Cheeky bugger. I'd done my bikini line the day before and did NOT have tonnes of hair done there!

In Asda Waitrose where DP was trying to get DD back into the trolley after I'd taken her to the loo. "Get off me Dave!" (not DP's real name) bellows our DD. DP: "Don't call me Dave. It's Daddy to you" Cue massive screech of "YOU ARE NOT NOT NOT MY DADDY! GET YOUR BLOODY HANDS OFF ME!"

Oh god the shame! blush blush blush There's actually loads more but those are most recent. DD shames me ALOT.

baklava Fri 27-May-11 19:13:12

My 8 yr old watched 40 yr old me get out of the shower and then chirpily said "Mummy, do you know, you've got a bottom like grandmas" Still traumatised, nearly 5 years later.

jimswifein1964 Fri 30-Sep-11 22:32:25

OMG, I'd totally forgotten this thread... let's resurrect it, so I dont feel like the last hour has been wasted rereading grin

pramsgalore Tue 22-Nov-11 10:08:39

when dd1 was about 4 we were walking down the road towards a lady coming in the oposite direction, the lady was of a large frame and had long blonde hair and very heavy makeup, just as we got up to the lady my dd shouted out really loudly 'mummy is that a man' blush i just kept walking but a little faster grin

submarine Mon 02-Apr-12 21:26:34

I once took my 3 year old to the opticians to get her glasses adjusted, the lady doing it had the worst fake ten ever.

The lady just nipped behind where we were waiting to use a machine, and my daughter shouted " wheres that orange lady gone? "

lots of shoulder shaking, I couldnt look her in the eye when she reappeared witht he glasses.

love this thread! both of these were my middle child, age about 2.

I had bought his big sister some barbies, and found it hard to get man dolls, so in desperation I bought a talking regan and talking george bush doll since they were cheap and I figured they would make okay dad dolls. only my son became weirdly attached to the bush doll and insisted on bringing it everywhere we went... naked. he would hold it up proudly to strangers and press a button to make it talk. it was a great relief when he stopped talking!

second thing... he had a toy frog that he was very fond of. His grandda asked him what the froggie was called, and, ds thought about it for a minute, then said "kunnt, hiss name kunnt." for some reason this was all said with a very germanic pronounciation... grandda said weakly "do you mean kermit?" and we all looked at ds hopefully... "no, not kermit, kunnt!" he told us determinedly. and so it was... and kunnt the frog got hidden whenever anyone came over from then on.

schteff Wed 11-Apr-12 14:01:27

A few years ago we went to an Indian restaurant with some of DHs friends and DC. After we finished, friend's DS (aged about 7) ordered an ice cream in the shape of a duck called a Quacky. Just as the waiter was bringing it over he decides to shout in his loudest voice "mum ... is this called a quacky cuz it rhymes with p*ki?" blush. Friend swore she had never used that word before and still to this day does not know where he picked it up from!

reeta30 Fri 13-Apr-12 21:37:16

My DS is only 7mths so I've a while to wait, but one story to add...

When my brother was much younger (can't remember how old) we were out with Mum shopping in Boots. While Mum was paying at the till, he noticed the fake eyelashes for sale and asked very loudly "do they get those off dead people?" It made the shop assistant's day!

thatisall Wed 18-Apr-12 01:25:06

my dd used to pronounce father christmas as..... fa kinkis

This was very sweet until the town xmas decs went up. She started to point at pictures of him and shout FA KINKIS very loud which of course sounds like Fuckin kids


tutu100 Wed 18-Apr-12 01:52:34

DS1 was 3 and sat in the seat of a supermarket trolley. We were in the queue and he started to talk to the lady next to us in a wheelchair. I've got one of those he tells her pointing at her wheelchair. "have you?" She says kindly, "what's wrong with your legs then?". I had to explain he meant a pushchair, and there was nothing wrong with his legs other than he was a runner and so had to be strapped into something for his own safety.

DS2 likes repeating phrases. I was slightly shocked when he said "fuck teddy gilbert" over and over. When I asked where he heard that naughty word he told me from Daddy. Cue me having a right go at DP who claimed he'd never said fuck in front of ds2. That night whilst reading DS2 a bed time story it turns out he was actually saying smack teddy Gilbert (from a The Little Princess).

I'm not sure whether I should explain to nursery.

lisaro Wed 18-Apr-12 03:10:08

Before I got married I took my 6 year old nephew out frequently. Once he very loudly asked me in the middle of Macdonalds when I was going back to prison. blush It was my job!

DollyBantry Wed 18-Apr-12 13:35:42

We were staying in a v posh hotel in Scotland (with famous golf course) and DH had popped off to the loo while we waited in Reception. DS aged 3 was looking around for him and suddenly pointed and shouted "Daddyyyy!!" really loudly at a man walking towards us ... it was actually the golfer Colin Montgomerie, who legged it out of the hotel very quickly while I turned crimson and everyone else in the reception area wet themselves.

DS also enjoys asking me if the person on the checkout is a man or a woman. Very loudly. Every time we go to the supermarket blush

Bambino81 Wed 18-Apr-12 19:17:26

MIL came to stay last week and bought DH a t-shirt which was a picture of garfield laying in bed and the word "slacker" writen underneath. DD took one look, cracked up laughing and told everyone for the rest of the day that he was a slacker in bed. >.<

idococktailshedoesbeer Sat 02-Jun-12 00:00:59

My DN (3) declined the offer of more food at her GM's house by saying: "Mummy says I'm not to have that otherwise I'll get fat like you". shock

My sis's MIL, a typically Italian nonna who cooks mounds of food and is admittedly rather large, didn't speak to her for weeks.

fatheroffour Wed 22-Aug-12 15:50:38

My parents took our two eldest boys on holiday to Germany to visit my brother and his wife. Whilst there, they went to visit a theme park called Fantasialand. My eldest (7) spotted a group of four muslim ladies in the full burkas etc and in a loud voice proclaimed:

"Look Uncle Al, ninjas!"

My bro was pissing himself, sis-in-law was mortified.

TeaBrick Wed 22-Aug-12 16:01:25

3 year old ds: fuckinell, fuckinell, FUCKINELL!!

Olympicpark Wed 22-Aug-12 16:15:29

highlander how completely funny!!!!!!
My dd, undid every button on my shirt when we were waiting at our local pub for a drink, had no idea till all the men at the bar started laughing. Unbelievably I had my only nice bra on.

liveinazoo Wed 22-Aug-12 16:24:57

i think i may have posted this before and although it was 14yr ago when eldest dd was 3 i still feel slight surge of panic when behind a "larger" lady in a queue

dd1 said in a very loud voice as we queued in safeway" does that lady in front of us have a baby in her tummy..or does she just eat lots of big dinners

cue a ripple of snickering,me and the lady in question going scarlet and a strong urge to crawl into a hole and never come out

having had 3 more dcs since then there have been plenty more but that remains the most mortifying in the zoo house

FutureNannyOgg Wed 22-Aug-12 22:10:36

DS1 at 22 months called all musical instruments drums, except he pronounced it "bum".
We live in a town full of crusty buskers, and every time we passed one he would shriek excitedly "look mummy, a bum! Bum! Bum! "

zookeeper Wed 22-Aug-12 22:13:29

ds,11, in the queue at WHsmith this week. Loudly.


On the very crowded beach last week, dd said while running over towards me...'mummy, I just did a wee in that puddle' (tide was coming in thank god) cue me looking completely mortified, I didn't know where to look blush

My DS when he was about 6 came out of some public toilets and announced to a crowded cafe "uncle Tom showed me his willy in the toilet".
I was mortified, especially for my poor brother, as DS was going through a stage of asking male relatives who took him to the toilet if he could see their willies blush

DD aged about 2 to man working in tesco (more embarrasing for him than me apparantly)

<man blushes profusely> 'I'm not!!!!!!'
hmm surely if anyone knows he's not it's me! grin

And the obligatory 'mummy I thought it was only ladies who had babies in their tummies?' pointing at a larger man! blush

InSearchOfSunrise Thu 23-Aug-12 05:34:57

In a very quiet hospital waiting room, dd (3) thought out loud:

'Mummy, is that a woman or a man???'

Everyone turned to stare at the very manly looking lady sat two seats away from us.

<sing song voice>
'I think it's a man. It's a man! It's a man!'


FTRsMammy Fri 19-Oct-12 19:46:48

When I was 3/4 I fell over in my grandparents garden and grazed my face, I was on the bus and a lady said to me "what a pretty girl you are but what have you done to your lovely face?" Me ( all big brown eyes and blonde ringlets) "my mammy did it!" blush my poor mammy nearly dislocated my shoulder dragging me off the bus!

DS when he was about 2.5 as my DH put him in the trolly at Asda shouted " noooo daddy don't toouuuccchhhh meeeee" grr pretended I wasn't with them!

A friend if mine was at Sainsbury's with her DS age 3 who suddenly shouted "mummy! Jesus is alive! Ooh can we have some Dunkers?" grin

Oh and my cousin (20 and should really no better) had taught my DS to say " boo ya " when he's pleased with himself about something hmm

FTRsMammy Fri 19-Oct-12 19:47:43

* know not no! Appalling grammar blush

freddiefrog Sun 04-Nov-12 15:49:26

DD1 - we were walking through a local shopping centre holding hands when all of a sudden she starts screaming 'nooo, don't hurt me mummy, please don't hurt me'

DD2 - dropped her milkshake in McDonalds and said 'oh bollocks' really loudly

DD2 again, we used to have a convertible and one hot day when the was roof down someone cut us up at some traffic lights. Bit further on the road turned into 2 lanes and we were stopped in traffic beside the cutter-upper. DD leans out of the car and shouts 'you stupid WANKER' at the top of her voice

Naysa Mon 19-Nov-12 13:52:12

When I was younger I was asking my mum if I could watch "You bastard". She told me off and explained that it was a naughty word. Next time we watched The Lion King I started saying it again, she realised I meant Mufasa grin

Another time we were outside a shop and my mum jokingly said something along the lines of "the only way to stop Naysa running off is to break her legs" tgo my Granddad. Cue lots of crying and screams of "PLEASE Mummy don't break my legs!"

My cousin has mild SN and didn't understand that some comments can upset people. We were in a hospital lift visiting a relative and the lift stopped at our floor, she happily chimed "All the old people out first. (points at old lady) That means you"

Bonfire night just gone my OH was meeting my family and we were talking about their dog eating underwear, she then exclaimed that their dog likes to eat sanitary towels. My dad had to leave the room for blushing grin

gingernutbiscuits Wed 21-Nov-12 03:59:26

DIED reading this!! So gutted it is over!

BellaOfTheBalls Wed 21-Nov-12 05:02:05

This has just made me cry laughing. Much needed on the night from hell with teething toddler.

DS1 has always been a chatterbox and honestly I have lost count of the number of times I've been mortified in public. One recent one however. We had a fridge & a washing machine delivered by 2 guys, one was Asian and the other black. DS1 was almost 4. They argued the entire time they were in our house, it was rather uncomfortable so I was hiding in the kitchen with DC's. DS1, loudly & within earshot:
"I want to go and watch Cbeebies Mummy."
"You can go & watch Cbeebies that's fine"
"No mummy I don't want to go near that black man. And his friend isn't much better."

I was mortified. Luckily they took it rather well.

bubbles1231 Sat 24-Nov-12 01:18:42

Had just explained the facts of life to DS when he was quite small. He then said, "You know when the seed comes out of your willy? Does it hurt?"
Trying not to snigger I told him, no, to which he said with a shudder "Oh, I'm never doing THAT!"

Other DS on spotting a rather large coloured lady "She looks like a Malteser"

foxy6 Sat 24-Nov-12 01:29:04

Lovemyoj Do u know u?
I was just about to post the same about My ds grin.
Also we live in a small town not many coloured people and its not so much what ds said but the look on his face at the sight of a rather bog coloured man ok his first trip to relatives in london.
Along with the usual comments about fat people.

AGreenie Sat 24-Nov-12 02:58:22

When we were 3 or 4, my sis and I had our own mugs - mine had a pears soap logo and my ds had the gingernut biscuit logo.
One day, my dad had a colleague round for a meeting. Said colleague had rather striking ginger hair. My ds and I were taken to get ready for bed then came downstairs to say goodnight. My dad and colleague were drinking tea. I saw that he was drinking from my ds cup and said - ' you've got gingernuts' meaning the cup - they laughed! My dad still reminds me 30 + years later!

AGreenie Sat 24-Nov-12 03:00:31

*dsis not ds!

hjtunny Sun 25-Nov-12 01:08:13

love this thread, I'm 18 wks pg and can't wait for when I'll be able to share my little one's little gems!

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