to want to quit my job NOW and never, ever, ever, ever go back, and cross the street if I see anyone coming who has ever seen me there?

(264 Posts)
IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 16:44:59

I have far and away the most humiliating and revolting experience ever to share with you. I swear every word is completely factual.

A few days ago I discovered to my horror that I have threadworms. Not having any vile chemical preparations in the house, I decided to go the natural route and googled to find out what to do. I used various things but the relevant one is garlic. I ate three chopped up cloves of garlic each evening and shoved a scored clove up my arse before bed, to kill the ones which come bown to breed.

I went to work today and had horrific flatulence; this may be linked to the dinner of lentils and brussels sprouts I had last night. The stench was truly disgusting and there was just far too much wind to be able to hold it in, so I had to let it out in stages and hope for the best.

I work in a nursery and naturally everybody assumed it was the children. I ended up changin three children who hadn't pooed themselves just to avert suspicion from myself.

It got to the point where I felt a large and insistent turd descending and needed to go and let it out. So I slipped into the adult loo (there is only one) and sat down on the toilet to be greeted by a sort of "pop" as the clove of garlic popped out, then a long stage-whisper of impacted fart, then a massive turd. The smell was so strong I could almost taste it, and to my utter horror the air-freshener was all gone and the window jammed. I stayed in there for as laong as I could get away with but after about ten minutes somebody started trying the door, so I had to come out. Three consecutive colleagues then used the toilet - the smell of rotting shit-and-garlic pervaded the entire nursery and people were actually considering going home early because they felt sick.

Naturally everybody is pretending they don't know it was me - but everyone knows. It still stank in there when I left.

So AIBU to never, ever darken their doorstep again?

HinnyPet Thu 14-Jan-10 16:46:50

grin oh and biscuit

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 16:47:42

Is that supposed to be a picture of my arse?

You're not wrong.

I swear to God, it's all true.

brimfull Thu 14-Jan-10 16:47:44

pmsl
you shoved a garlic up your arse ???

have the worms gone then

yanbu , get your cv out

Milliways Thu 14-Jan-10 16:47:56

grin PMSL

Are you for real?

Milliways Thu 14-Jan-10 16:48:36

I would like to read the references they supply! grin

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 16:49:27

I honestly swear I haven't made a single word of this up

it was HIDEOUS

LynetteScavo Thu 14-Jan-10 16:49:38

Sometimes vile chemical preparations are a good choice. grin

AngryFromManchester Thu 14-Jan-10 16:49:57

rofl

Next time just go to Boots, eh?

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 16:52:27

I've sent dh out for Pripsen

but I can't go to work tomorrow, I just can't face everyone

I have never smelt anything as foul as that in my life - and you know how much WORSE it is when it's somebody else's, imagine how the others must have felt shock

cakeywakey Thu 14-Jan-10 16:54:53

I'm crying I've laughed so much! grin

bramblebooks Thu 14-Jan-10 16:56:30

I'm crying. Sorry.

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 16:58:21

You wouldn't be laughing if you had been in there

I'm not joking, I had to change my clothes when I got home

LeninGrad Thu 14-Jan-10 16:59:32

I'm eating so skim-reading but still laughing, crying and snorting simultaneously.

duchesse Thu 14-Jan-10 16:59:52

grin

5Foot5 Thu 14-Jan-10 17:00:27

Oh dear I will go home with a smile now!! Sorry - but I will.

Get the stuff from the chemist. It works and is pretty fast about it.

HeadlessLadyH Thu 14-Jan-10 17:01:20

ROFL

DS2 is looking at me like I am bonkers I am sniggering so much.

JackBauer Thu 14-Jan-10 17:01:46

In deference to your obvious pain I am trying really hard not to snigger.

Sorry grin

I can't laugh out loud - I'm at work, in a hospital! I may rupture something though because that is the funniest thing I've read for a long time.

Thanks so much - you smell but you've made me smile and after the day I've had I NEEDED that.

YANBU by the way - I think you should move abroad tbh.

Dirtgirl Thu 14-Jan-10 17:04:01

You'll have to face it you know. Brazen it out with your colleagues. If you have one you're particularly friendly with I'd fess up and laugh about it with her. It will lessen the pain.

Poor you.

ROFL!

LeninGrad Thu 14-Jan-10 17:04:13

I'm sure it'll all blow over.

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 17:06:04

Dirtgirl no affable professional relationship is that affable. You didn't smell it. It hit the back of my throat as soon as the garlic popped out, God knows what it was like the for poor cow who followed me in.

I haven't even told dh, I just said "can you pick up some Pripsen". I can just about cope with being laughed at by you lot, but not dh all night as well

TheApprentice Thu 14-Jan-10 17:06:07

Can I advise getting the ovex tablets rather than pripsen. They are much better though pricey. Unsurprising you have caught worms if you work in a nursery.

Maybe you could call in sick with a tummy bug tomorrow then sympathies may be on your side?!!

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper Thu 14-Jan-10 17:06:38

Phyllida Law was on Woman's Hour a couple of months ago and she told an anecdote about driving granny to Scotland with a clove of garlic up her arse and blaming the country smells for the pong.

Stick with the drugs in future.

Tee2072 Thu 14-Jan-10 17:07:02

gringringrin

AKMD Thu 14-Jan-10 17:07:21

That is hilarious, sorry. Buy everyone a big box of chocolates to share and face the blush

MrsMattie Thu 14-Jan-10 17:08:04

lol! 10/10

cakeywakey Thu 14-Jan-10 17:08:42

Sorry Incontinentia, just tell them that you weren't very well. They probably already know this to be fair, and I'm sure they won't judge you.

I'm sure that lots of people have done something in the staff loos that made them want to hide from the world. I know I have (very bad constipation when pregnant - I was moaning so much that people thought something really terrible was wrong).

ROFLMAS

RoyaltyIsMyOnlyDelusion Thu 14-Jan-10 17:10:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dmo Thu 14-Jan-10 17:10:25

that is so funny also laughting at the children who nappies you changed grin
deff going to show this to dh when he comes home hahahahahahaha might even copy and paste it and e-mail it to friends

Please tell me you didn't shove a clove of garlic up your arse? On second thoughts please do because it's the funniest thing I've heard today!!!!!

kinnies Thu 14-Jan-10 17:17:38

ROLF
YANBU Leave the country, drastic plastic surgury and fake your own death. grin

SkipToMyLou Thu 14-Jan-10 17:22:26

Better than a horrible plastic vibrator (that bloody thread will haunt me forever)!

I agree, tummy bug is the only way to go. Or food poisoning. Brazen it out - if you can shove garlic up your arse, you can face this!

squeaver Thu 14-Jan-10 17:25:53

Ah well. Shit happens.

PeedOffWithNits Thu 14-Jan-10 17:30:29

PMSL come on OP this cannot be for real surely....this reminds me of rhubarbs garlic up the fanjo thread

Mapes Thu 14-Jan-10 17:31:03

There should have been a health warning on this thread- I'm 36 weeks pg and I swear that the laughing/crying/snorting fit it just caused nearly sent me into labour! Much sympathy though- agree you should brazen it out if poss!

mummyofexcitedprincesses Thu 14-Jan-10 17:32:03

OMG I am laughing so much I'm crying!
I would blame food poisoning tbh.

As for the worms, you need to mention it as you probably got it from the kids at nursery. If you don't want to say you had them, say a parent mentioned their child had them at the weekend. They are pretty highly contagious and can be treated through chemicals and good hygiene. I had never heard of the garlic option lol.

salvadory Thu 14-Jan-10 17:34:27

I am crying with laughter, have just read thread to my husband who was genuinely fearful for the damagey laughter could do to my week old cs scar!!! Thanks for brightening up my afternoon you are wasted in that nursery, you belong in a hilarious horrors of homeopathy journal!!! Visions of you letting out sneaky guffs whilst changing bemused clean childrenare going to haunt me this evening.

caramelwaffle Thu 14-Jan-10 17:35:44

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa Thu 14-Jan-10 17:37:25

<wheeze> <gasp>

Ta for this - I was having a terrible day. Now I have tears of mirth rolling down my face.

Oh and poor you, obv wink

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 17:39:59

Peedoff, I SWEAR on the lives of my children that I haven't made up a single word of this - it is absolutely, completely, hideously true

I can still fucking smell it - garlicky shit <boak>

FlightAttendant Thu 14-Jan-10 17:43:47

I disagree with the general consensus, if I was told this was due to actual illness it would be even worse to bear...I think you need to fess up about the garlic, they will think you are barking but it will make them laugh more and boak less. smile

ohmeohmy Thu 14-Jan-10 17:45:41

leave now... and ride like the wind

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 17:46:55

fess up about the garlic? I would rather die shock

Ladyanonymous Thu 14-Jan-10 17:49:59

Thankyou thankyou thankyou... grin

TheFoosa Thu 14-Jan-10 17:52:44

how long was the garlic clove up there for?

how did you not want to push it out?

this is why yiu should NEVER google

TheFoosa Thu 14-Jan-10 17:57:36

maybe you should change your name to nevergooglegarlicbutter

WHAAAAHAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(SOrry OP.)

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper Thu 14-Jan-10 18:01:14

I still think this stinks of a wind-up; the brussels sprouts and lentils were too good to be true, and the lingering detail on such things as changing clean nappies smells to me of someone egging the puidding.

how you managed to avoid whistling when farting, is beyond me.

pmsl

GettinTrimmer Thu 14-Jan-10 18:04:06

Doesn't compare Incontinent, but I had really bad wind on Christmas Day and had to keep leaving the room or my in-laws would have got it. Nothing worse than having to hold it in.

grin at TheFoosa

Miggsie Thu 14-Jan-10 18:05:12

If you drink half a bottle of mead you get honey flavoured farts (according to my DH).

A good antidote perhaps?

YANBU....stay away for a few days and invent a tropical disease that you cannot risk giving to the children thus preventing you from going in for a week.

My cat had worms and the vet's treatment was way nicer than that.

I once got stuck in a traffic jam in a hot car with a cat that had just had an enema so can completeley symathise with the smell making you want to chuck up.

I also had a friend with a Great Dane that was incontinent and every time it barked a little turd shot out at toddler eye height...that was also vile. Although someties it missed people and just hit the wall.

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:22:11

OurLady I can see why you think so but I honestly, really, truly am NOT making any of it up. It's all true, including the changing nappies - the style of the OP is quite over-egging, but if you were going to confess something like this how would you phrase it?

For some reason it's really important to me that people BELIEVE me - I think I am traumatised blush

And really, truly, there is a person out here who is going to have to walk into that nursery tomorrow and face everybody!

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:23:11

if you shove it up far enough the urge to push it out doesn't happen blushblush

TheFoosa Thu 14-Jan-10 18:27:50

amazing what you learn here

not that I'll be trying it anytime soon

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:29:29

DON'T

please, please don't!

Undercovamutha Thu 14-Jan-10 18:34:11

I am in stitches. The funniest thing I have read for a long time.

I think you should go in tomorrow and never mention it again.

Everyone will know it was you, and will probably be talking about it behind your back, but at least you don't have to actually broach the subject.

<off to read the OP again just to have another chuckle.....>

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:36:16

they definitely all know it was me

for one thing I was walking and blushing like someone who had just done a large toxic shit and spent ten minutes marooned in a small enclosed space with it

and I'm not kidding when I say I had to change my clothes, they stank of it

garlic, ffs

it couldn't have been worse

duchesse Thu 14-Jan-10 18:38:29

OK, if you are for real with this real dilemma, you could just say that you ODed on garlic capsules. If needs be you could say that you were taking it for the threadworm if you feel you need to come clean about them. No need whatsoever to mention any cloves up where the sun don't shine.

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:40:55

I am for real

I don't think I can tell them about the worms, I think that would just be the cherry on the top of my reputation as the skankiest scumbucket ever to walk the earth

I don't think I can mention it at all actually

I will have to pretend I don't know that they are pretending they don't know it was me

if I walk in there tomorrow and everyone goes quiet, or sorse still if it still smells, I am going to have to pretend to faint or throw up or something

heQet Thu 14-Jan-10 18:42:31

I take my hat off to you op. you certainly did your research!

garlic up the bum

oh, and that is not a picture btw grin tis safe.

grin

Oh dear oh dear.

ZZZenAgain Thu 14-Jan-10 18:44:00

be brazen. Go in there wearing a gas mask and say, boy I'm going to be needing this today, sorry girls!

RolandButter Thu 14-Jan-10 18:44:39

lolat op

heQet Thu 14-Jan-10 18:45:12

zzz - better still, she should go in with a whole lot of them and hand the buggers out [grni]

heQet Thu 14-Jan-10 18:45:57

sorry, grin of course. I appear to be quite overcome. high almost. it must be something in the air...

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:46:13

ffs HeQuet I am NOT bullshitting! I did google and yes, I really did eat a tonne of garlic and shove some up my arse

In fact I did it twice

but only disgraced myself at work the once

it's true!! Hideously, excruciatingly true.

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:48:02

that link is one of the sites I went to

krugerparkrules Thu 14-Jan-10 18:48:53

Haha -sorry this is so funny.

I have done the brazen approach - I once farted in front of a colleague, a very obvious fart (I was pregnant and seemed to have lost normal ability to hold on) - for some reason i denied it and pretended that my shoes had made the noise! It was so lame, he knew i knew, but i looked him firmly in the eye and didnt budge on my "oops was that my shoes making that noise"

ZZZenAgain Thu 14-Jan-10 18:49:05

come on now. I believed every word till I got to the bit about brussels sprouts and lentils. No one eats brussel sprouts with lentils. I'm sure loads of people cram garlic up their bum though

ElenorRigby Thu 14-Jan-10 18:49:11

yawn

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:50:41

erm, we did eat brissels sprouts with lentils

also with spinach, sweetcorn and salmon

I have just moved one of my two freezers inside form the garage and we are using up the odds and ends

tonight was cottage pie and brussels sprouts

I'm not fibbing, honestly! Somebody really is this stupid blush

heQet Thu 14-Jan-10 18:50:53

I don't disbelieve you. I am keeping an open mind.

I am just laughing my garlic free arse off either way. blush I'm sorry. I am happy to take this at face (or should that be arse?) value, but that's the best I can do, I'm afraid. The embarrassing stories of others, when told as well as you have, are impossible to not laugh at.

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:53:17

the worst thing is that it didn't even get rid of the worms

I should SUE all those hippy herb-bothering fucks on the internet who told me garlic killed worms

it DOESN'T

I am going to nuke the little fuckers with everything the chemist has got angry

ZZZenAgain Thu 14-Jan-10 18:56:29

can I just ask how is the clove of garlic suppos to kill the ones that come down to breed ?

sellotape?

solo Thu 14-Jan-10 18:58:02

If you were eating that much garlic then the bit up your bum is irrelevant! you'll have stunk to high heaven anyway! surprised you didn't make your colleagues eyes water when you entered the room spoke to them.

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 19:00:11

ZZZen you push it up into the anus and leave it there

according to the sites I read the "garlic oil" is meant to kill them on contact when they come down

but it doesn't work so it's a moot point

am actually quite blush that I have done something SO stupid that people think I must be making it up shock

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 19:00:39

oh, and it burns like a bastard

like this biscuit

TheFoosa Thu 14-Jan-10 19:01:49

I'm never going to look at a garlic clove in quite the same way again

MrsChemist Thu 14-Jan-10 19:04:34

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Am PMSL.

<pats OP on back> there, there. grin

Thank you, oh thank you for that laugh!

grin

Here is a holiday destination you might enjoy wink.

<<too embarrassed to share my own garlic story with you - lets just say, that wallpaper peeled from the wall...>>

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 19:06:53

<<shudder>> dogwood, I am Off Garlic Indefinitely

nothing quite like being trapped in a cubicle with something strong-smelling mixed with shit to destroy your liking for it

like not liking cider because I've tasted it on the way back up too many times

PortiaPie Thu 14-Jan-10 19:08:28

PMSL!! That was the best laugh I've had in a loooong time! Fantastic!

MavisEnderby Thu 14-Jan-10 19:10:44

rofl.

hope the wormy creatures disappear soon.

A colleague of mine once set off the firealarm at work,because she sprayed tonnes of air freshener around after doing a particularly noxious smelling poo in the staff loos.Cos it is a fairly large hospital,2 fire engines and several hunky firemen were dispatched to our ward to investigate the source of the fire alarm.(My colleague spent her time hiding in the clinical room).

I think your story tops that one though!

GypsyMoth Thu 14-Jan-10 19:13:46

not read whole thread...but are you a namechanger??

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 19:14:43

damn right I am a namechanger!

Wouldn't you be?!?

ZZZenAgain Thu 14-Jan-10 19:15:24

PMSL funny having this thread running at the same time as one on sane people with a sense of smell using air fresheners.

Home now, laughed freely till I'm actually crying. smile

Miggsie - very entertained by your high powered incontinent Great Dane too!

caramelwaffle Thu 14-Jan-10 19:16:56

I just cannot stop laughing. It has spawned THE best in-joke one liner on a thread ever. Thank you TheFoosa grin

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 19:17:07

you rotten bunch of sods

it wasn't bloody funny at the time!

two people said they were thinking of going home early because it was unacceptable blush

WorzselMummage Thu 14-Jan-10 19:18:09

grin

heQet Thu 14-Jan-10 19:18:42

Yes. If I wanted to tell the world I had shoved garlic up my arse and taken a monster dump that gassed everyone within a 5 mile radius, I'd make sure I didn't do it under my usual username.

OP - don't be surprised if you go in tomorrow and your collegues all look like this

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 19:20:02

I NEVER poo at work

this is very unlike me, normally I am very clean and un-stinky

the shame tomorrow is going to be dreadful

blissa Thu 14-Jan-10 19:23:10

grin heQet you are wicked!

Best of luck for tomorrow op

Bet you wished you'd washed your hands before eating now eh? <patronising face>

PMSL grin

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 19:25:10

I DO wash my hands before eating shock

bellissima Thu 14-Jan-10 19:32:01

Just tell them you had food poisoning (I mean, in a way, you did with that combination). Thanks for making me chuckle on a dull grey Thursday!

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Thu 14-Jan-10 19:34:25

This is one of the funniest threads on MN ever. Totally cheered up a depressed fat pregnant lady... so it was worth your pain grin

Get hunting on the job sites.

Mallenstreak Thu 14-Jan-10 19:35:26

This thread(worm)is hilarious. I choked on my chocolate trifle while reading it to DS & DH. Personally I wouldn't be able to face going in tomorrow but look on the bright side - at least you won't get any vampires biting you on the arse!grin

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper Thu 14-Jan-10 19:36:03

Stable door and all that, but that site recommends inserting the garlic at bedtime And Removing It In The Morning!

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 19:36:58

yes but "funniest threa ever" threads are usually wind-ups

this is my actual LIFE

I might have to call in sick tomorrow and then just pretend nothing has happened on Monday

choufleur Thu 14-Jan-10 19:41:20

PMSL. i'm trying to laugh loudly as DS is going to sleep.

I would have to call in sick with a tummy bug.

cathcat Thu 14-Jan-10 19:47:20

This is why you should never stick things up your arse and then go to work. What goes UP must come DOWN.

Miggsie - your post had me ROFL.

MrsChemist Thu 14-Jan-10 19:47:47

If you call in sick now, they will all be there tomorrow saying, "she called in sick because of the turbo shit she did yesterday."

At least if you go in they can't discuss it in front of you.

DontSweattheSmallStuff Thu 14-Jan-10 19:48:00

<Thinks about popping over to add this thread to the 'best/funniest mn moments in the last 10 years thread'>

RustyBear Thu 14-Jan-10 19:48:33

Umm - if Incontientia had found Heqet's link during her research, she would have seen the vital words 'To be removed in the morning'......

caen Thu 14-Jan-10 19:48:38

PMSL. If hadn't done quite so many pelvic floors it would be carnage here.

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 19:50:05

Rusty that IS one of the links I saw

I didn't really think about taking it out though - how would you manually remove it? Doesn't bear thinking about! I assumed it would just be shat out the next time I needed to go - which would never normally be at work!

Melaniefhappy Thu 14-Jan-10 19:52:20

You have just suceeded in erasing a hideous day for me- not many things make me laugh out loud. But this did.

You deserve a big class of wine, if not the bottle (just this once, and seeing as you are now unemployable and all..)

Incidentally, I would second getting the c.v. out- but not sure what terms they could fire you under if (excuse the pun) push came to shove...

xxxx

Surely it's gross misconduct to launch a biological attacks on one's colleagues?

grin

DontSweattheSmallStuff Thu 14-Jan-10 19:57:16

If there are any mums out there on MN who picked up their child from a particularly stinky nursery today, now they know why

Thingiebob Thu 14-Jan-10 20:02:19

Phone in sick and tell them you have an awful, awful stomach bug.

It will explain all and you'll get sympathy!

Bigpants1 Thu 14-Jan-10 20:04:25

Not sure if you are for real or not-Lentils AND Brussel Sprouts????? And, after your"adventure" today, you then eat brussel sprouts again tonight! If you go in tomorrow,youll be farting again-still they wont smell of garlic...
Should you be at work with threadworms? Cant you ring-in tomorrow and say youve caught a rare stomach bug-"clove-up-my-arseitis"!!!

TeamEdward Thu 14-Jan-10 20:07:50

I wondered who made that god-awful stench at work.
Now I know.

IsThatTheTime Thu 14-Jan-10 20:19:46

That. Is. Brilliant!
Thank you so much, you've made my day! grin

MogTheForgetfulCat Thu 14-Jan-10 20:25:16

Crying with laughter reading this - made even better by your truly magnificent username!

MsMaryWollstonecraft Thu 14-Jan-10 20:31:32

roffle roffle roffle

...specially at "I ended up changin three children who hadn't pooed themselves just to avert suspicion from myself"

tee hee hee

Absolutely hilarious grin

It would have been so much easier to take a tablet!!

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 20:43:15

does anyone know how long the tablets take to work?

For future reference, OP, here's how to get rid of worms.
You need seven apples and six chocolate biscuits, and a hammer.
Every day for six days, first thing in the morning, shove one apple and one biscuit up your arse.
On the seventh day, shove the last apple up there and wait.
The worm will pop its head out of your ring and say 'Oi, where's my fuckin' biscuit?' and then you can pop it with the hammer.
Job done.

almostreal Thu 14-Jan-10 20:57:24

OMG I dont think I've ever laughed at a thread so much before. My DH is looking rather alarmed. grin
Cant believe anyone would actually shove a clove of garlic up their arse!

solo Thu 14-Jan-10 20:58:53

Pripsen work really fast.

almostreal Thu 14-Jan-10 20:59:12

TBH if smelt so bad that people felt sick they could probably well believe you really are ill. grin

<<takes pity on OP's plight>>

You usually need only a one off dose. Can be repeated after 1 week.

Here is decent information, not taking the piss, honest.

ROFL @ SGB's suggestion though grin.

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 21:04:32

but how long will the one dose take to kill them all?

I am actually quite distressed about their presence (as evidenced by my shoving veg up my khazi)

lucyellensmumagain Thu 14-Jan-10 21:07:22

hang on a minute - you said you did it twice - and disgraced yourself once - WHERE IS THE OTHER CLOVE?????

BadGardener Thu 14-Jan-10 21:08:43

LMAO....
Makes Pripsen sound almost benign in comparison.

heQet Thu 14-Jan-10 21:09:46

What goes up must come down. Tomorrow's news at 10

caramelwaffle Thu 14-Jan-10 21:12:11

Where hahahahahahahaha is haha the other clove?

ZZZenAgain Thu 14-Jan-10 21:20:19

The Missing Clove

starring IncontinentiaBotox, some ounhappy worms and a peculiarly fragrant nursery

While I have much sympathy for the OP, I have just spent the last 10 minutes corpsing. Tears are rolling down my face. grin
And I've now got sore tummy muscles.

Jacksmama Thu 14-Jan-10 21:38:41

This <gasp> is <gasp> the funniest <wheeze> thread EVER... my stomach muscles hurt from laughing!!

Oh dear OP - my sympathies grin.

Thank you thank you thank you - I really needed to laugh this hard!

PMSL at "The Missing Clove" grin
I can see it up in lights in Times Square..

OP, works immediately, at worst you will pass worm corpses wink

bet you felt a bit flushed

Perhaps you need to, err, take some
time off in loo

kellze Thu 14-Jan-10 22:09:34

OMGWTFBBQ

So damned funny i very nearly PMSL'd

I have had week from hell including being mde redundant and I needed this. I no longer care about my job (i wasnt going back after birth anyway) and am now super happy.

Really sorry about your job though. XX

TeamEdward Thu 14-Jan-10 22:53:58

Solid's worm evacuation plan has had me in stitches. I cannot breath enough to explain to DH why I'm laughing. Can kjust about muster strength to type!!1

squashimodo Thu 14-Jan-10 23:10:17

Crying, much laughter, tea spurted from nostrils, hahahahahahahahahahahaha................
sorry op, but omg
I very nearly big Oed

Jacksmama Thu 14-Jan-10 23:19:45

Best thread... best thread!!!!!

PeedOffWithNits Thu 14-Jan-10 23:24:40

totally choking and pmsl at SGBs post at 20:50

"For future reference, OP, here's how to get rid of worms.
You need seven apples and six chocolate biscuits, and a hammer.
Every day for six days, first thing in the morning, shove one apple and one biscuit up your arse.
On the seventh day, shove the last apple up there and wait.
The worm will pop its head out of your ring and say 'Oi, where's my fuckin' biscuit?' and then you can pop it with the hammer.
Job done. "

PeedOffWithNits Thu 14-Jan-10 23:25:50

PMSL at best thread worm? now too

SimpleAsABC Thu 14-Jan-10 23:27:22

Hilarious. This is why I love mn.

BistoBear Thu 14-Jan-10 23:34:40

Crying with laughter at SGB's remedy!

Hermya321 Thu 14-Jan-10 23:39:48

I'm sorry OP but this is seriously funny, I hope work goes ok for you.

YANBU for wanting to leave the country, I think if I did that I'd just develope a mysterious ailement and move abroad.

I think maybe they're onto something with sick bug though.

Pikelit Thu 14-Jan-10 23:42:47

Don't worry. The bottom hasn't fallen out of your world. The world has, however, fallen out of your bottom.

PavlovtheCat Thu 14-Jan-10 23:43:48

i won't tell them it was you wink

grin

PurplePillow Thu 14-Jan-10 23:46:09

this is the funniest thread I have read in ages grin

Thank you OP, Hope your worms are gone soon but roffle gringringrin

PurplePillow Thu 14-Jan-10 23:47:18

And meant to add my congratulations....

You are bound to make MP's round up grin

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 23:49:48

LOL at you bunch of heartless meanies grin

"the world has however fallen out of your bottom"

I swear to God, when I die and the Almighty pronounces me unworthy to enter the kingdom of heaven, I will be catapulted straight back to That Fucking Toilet

the stench was so thick you could almost see it

sorry to disappoint, but the Mystery Of The Missing Clove is solved - I shat that one out the previous morning

piprabbit Fri 15-Jan-10 00:01:59

IncontinentiaBotox - I'm so sorry for your hilarious traumatic experience.

FWIW I think your mistake (ignoring the first and foremost mistake of actually shoving garlic up your arse) was to linger in the cubicle for 10 minutes. It only drew everyone's attention so they were all aware of exactly who walked out of the toilet.

For future reference, get out as soon as possible while fanning the air/gasping for breath and making loud comments about how bad the smell is. Wonder aloud who was the last person before you to use the toilet. Generally try to brazen your way out and distract and divert attention from your own crime.

"crying" holds sides, ribs hurt with laughinggrin

exh once did a poo like this on a train toilet after eating loads of garlic and the smell just wafted down the carriages grin some poor bugger sat near the loo on a crowded rush hour train called exh a filthy skany bastard grin

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 15-Jan-10 00:17:49

is this off into classics then?

OP you could be immortalised in MN as the woman who shat garlic turds.

i think id have to phone in sick, at least that would explain it, you could say you have a terrible stomach bug...im sure they will concur!

grin Just read the whole thread, have tears in my eyes, and trying not to laugh too loud in case I wake the kids, sorry OP

You DO know the difference between a clove and a bulb of garlic, don't you?

Mallenstreak Fri 15-Jan-10 07:51:29

Please keep us updated. If you go into work let us know how it goes - although you might find that environmental health inspectors have shut the place down!

mummyflood Fri 15-Jan-10 08:56:56

gringrin the perfect antidote to a shitty (sorry!!) day yesterday. Brilliant. Am going to keep this in mind when I am doing battle with my insurance company today, won't seem half so bad!!. Hope you give us an update, OP, can't wait to see how you decide to handle the fallout! (sorry again!!grin)

IncontinentiaBotox Fri 15-Jan-10 09:27:52

OK wish me luck guys, I am off to work

why oh why did I have sprouts for dinner again last night?

<despair>

MummylinQueenoftheslatterns Fri 15-Jan-10 12:28:13

i think the way to get all the worms out would be to beat on your bum cheeks and out they would come ,i know that if you bang on grass, earthworms come out so im sure this would probably work for you grin

PurpleCrazyHorse Fri 15-Jan-10 12:36:33

OMGoodness, I'm crying grin

Definitely call in sick and blame it on norovirus - ham it up and you should get some sympathy

joanne34 Fri 15-Jan-10 12:39:03

grin Ohhhh thats the funniest thing Ive read in ages.... Im so sorry OP, but at least you made alot of people laugh !

I hope everything went OK at work and you didn't get too many people sniffing around you.

Does garlic work on cats? I am trying to find a cheaper alternative to our chemical worm treatment. I am trying to balance the cost against the difficulty of persuading a cat to let me shove garlic up its bottom.

pmsl at By TheFoosa Thu 14-Jan-10 17:57:36
maybe you should change your name to nevergooglegarlicbutter

and SGB's startled worm

If you don't have real garlic do you think you can just smear lazy garlic around a bit?

remember not to put the spoon back in the jar though

SkipToMyLou Fri 15-Jan-10 13:14:48

MadamDeathstare, should you decide to proceed, please post a video of you attempting to stuff garlic up a cat's behind. If you're not in A&E having been mauled to within an inch of your life, that is.

caramelwaffle Fri 15-Jan-10 13:16:18

...and don't, whatever you do mix it up with lazy chilli

caramelwaffle Fri 15-Jan-10 13:19:43

*mistake it for lazy chilli

(although mixing it with lazy chilli could not be that much worse, surely?)

shock

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 15-Jan-10 13:21:08

Oh this is so so funny.

OP - who are you - come on, reveal it to all your MN friends smile

And why oh why did you eat sprouts for dinner, have you now had enough flatulent fun for one week?

MrFibble Fri 15-Jan-10 13:25:40

EMIGRATE!

lucyellensmumagain Fri 15-Jan-10 13:53:33

I wonder how many of those on this thread with children in nursery have been trying to sniff out the OP?? I guess she will be the one with loads of strong smelling perfume!

SpeckledHen Fri 15-Jan-10 13:59:03

Have been chucling on and off about this including this am when I woke up. Could not tell dh why as he would think me strange! Anyway, how did you get on today? You did go to work today didn't you? It is the thought of the other staff saying they would have ot go home because of the smell that gets me!!! Anyway I would brazen it out. I used ot work in a job where I needed clearances and I would tell you for sure that there is a difference between knowing something since you have been told it and suspecting something. No one can know it was you - the person who came after you may think that the person in before you left the loo in that state. And the person that came in after her might think it was her!! If I were you I would complain as loudly as the rest about the smell and contribute to discussions about how it could have occurred. You will be laughing about this for years and will never be able to tell anyone in real life!

RoyaltyIsMyOnlyDelusion Fri 15-Jan-10 14:00:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkipToMyLou Fri 15-Jan-10 14:02:33

Does your spreadsheet comply with the Data Protection Act Royalty? grin

SpeckledHen Fri 15-Jan-10 14:03:23

When I was 19 I was an au pair in Italy. The family had a male friend to stay and they went out for a meal. He left them and came back early saying he was unwell and came and sat with me as I babysat and snogged me. I was to young and out of my depth to know what to do. He put his willy in my hand and told me to twist it shock I think his English was bad or he was strange but anyway the family came back thank God and he jumped off me and went to them and I went straight to bed and the family did not know. I needed a wee but didn't dare come out. I never wanted to see him again. I weed on my towel and hung it out to dry the next day after a handwash. My lady employer who was very toffee nosed kept complaining about the 'puzzo strano'. That makes me chuckle to this day.

SH that';s awful

lucyellensmumagain Fri 15-Jan-10 14:22:24

SH i would have pissed in his fucking suitcase!!

SpeckledHen Fri 15-Jan-10 14:22:47

SPB I guess it is awful. I had never thought about it like that. I certainly wouldn't want that to happen to one of my dds. At the time I didn't know how to fend him off. I was relieved by the interruption but did not feel violated just felt afterwards it was funny.

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 15-Jan-10 14:24:10

Oh yes I forgot about Reality's spreadsheet.

Come on OP - confess who you are!

glad thats how you felt but horrible you didnt want to come out vto use the loo

HeadlessLadyH Fri 15-Jan-10 15:03:06

OP, I need to know if you went to work today and what the fallout --of your arse-- has been.

HeadlessLadyH Fri 15-Jan-10 15:06:39

ofyourarse

Jux Fri 15-Jan-10 15:22:49

OP you have my never-ending admiration; not only do you do that to yourself, but then you tell us about it! I am in awe. Hail to you Oh Goddess of the GarlicArse grin

Thank you

IncontinentiaBotox Fri 15-Jan-10 16:22:27

OK so I went to work

a few horrid little smiles and a bit of an atmosphere - but nothing too terrible, I managed to keep my head down and avoid being too noticeable for most of the day

until five minutes before the end, during circle time, when I leaned forward to restrain an escaping 3yo and snapped off a brief but horrifyingly loud cabbagey guff right into the face of the snooty trainee teacher sitting behind me

<cries>

piprabbit Fri 15-Jan-10 16:25:36

Go and buy some carbon tablets - tonight ideally, won't get rid of the sound effects but may help moderate the stench.

Well done for putting a brave arse face on it.

caramelwaffle Fri 15-Jan-10 16:28:58

Hahahahahahahahha

It does'nt get better does it?

Mallenstreak Fri 15-Jan-10 16:30:03

OP - please update us asap. Has everyone at work got a cats bum face today?
By the way I hope your 'threads' are not as long as this one!

Never mind - worst things happen at sea.

(Thats assuming persons at sea adopt the garlic cure, not otherwise )

lucyellensmumagain Fri 15-Jan-10 16:32:21

lolol at trainee teacher - did she say anything or did she just sit there like this shock

caramelwaffle Fri 15-Jan-10 16:33:06

Oh and I'm loving your "..bit of an atmosphere.."

I should say so

grin

Whiff a woooooooooooo

Mallenstreak Fri 15-Jan-10 16:33:50

Sorry cross-posted. Thanks for really making me pmsl - I needed to after the week I've had. I've made a mental note to put a Tena Lady in my pants before I next go on MN.

Veedol Fri 15-Jan-10 16:34:49

It's maybe amusing, this saga, but surely the most important part is not IncontinentiaBotox's feelings of embarrassment but that probably some poor unfortunate child is harbouring thread worms. She should bite the bullet, go into work and explain to her colleagues what has happened and find out if this is an isolated case or if it has spread to others.
In future perhaps she should stick to more orthodox methods when it comes to treating thread worms.

Sorry, Vee.

lucyellensmumagain Fri 15-Jan-10 16:38:15

oh, um, cough, yes, of course - yes, most unprofessional grin

Don't ALL children harbour thread worms and nits anyway?

caramelwaffle Fri 15-Jan-10 16:42:52

<serious face. serious face>

<cough>

Yes. Yes of course. She has a duty of care to inform the nursery of her condition and us when she next practices natural cures

IncontinentiaBotox Fri 15-Jan-10 16:44:15

veedol, perhaps I'll put an anonymous types note in my boss's pigeonhole a la "there has been a case of threadworms on your staff, please inform parents" on Monday

now off you sod with yer commonsense advice grin

seriously, am I ever going to stop farting? And will they ever stop honking of garlic?

caramelwaffle Fri 15-Jan-10 16:45:57

No. Never. Emigrate.

IncontinentiaBotox Fri 15-Jan-10 16:47:58

where would I emigrate to though? Transylvania?

I suppose I could go to France, buy a stripey top and a bicycle and make a new life as an onion-seller sad

TheBossofMe Fri 15-Jan-10 16:51:59

I am crying laughing at this thread - my team must think I am absolutely mad.

You Do know that someone, somewhere, has a real fetish for garlicky farts, don't you? You could always get a new career making, er, specialist videos. Of the scratch-and-sniff variety, maybe..?

Veedol Fri 15-Jan-10 16:55:57

My XH probably, he had some absolutely disgusting habits. Has anyone played 'submarines'? then you'll know what I mean by disgusting habits.

Vee.

IncontinentiaBotox Fri 15-Jan-10 16:57:53

come to think of it, there must be someone somewhere who has a fetish for women with threadworms too shock

<spies new employment opportunity>

lucyellensmumagain Fri 15-Jan-10 17:23:10

uggh, this reminds me of my DPs friend. Not long after we got together i had a case of threadworm - of course i was mortified as DP had to be treated too blush He tried to make me feel better by telling me about his friend, who, apparently, was indulging in a spot of rimming with his GF and once crawled out of her bum - apparently, he fiddled with it shock Thanks for reviving that memory for me <<shudders>>

IncontinentiaBotox Fri 15-Jan-10 17:29:47

fiddled with it?!? He's lucky he didn't get one stuck between his teeth grin

lucyellensmumagain Fri 15-Jan-10 17:31:37

i dread to think!! im glad DP isnt in contact with this guy anymore - its not an image i fancy sharing over drinks!

MummyDoIt Fri 15-Jan-10 17:38:53

Suddenly the vermicelli noodles I was planning to have for dinner do not seem so appealing. Though at least I wasn't having garlic with them.

piprabbit Fri 15-Jan-10 17:39:02

It's Friday night so it must be bumsex night. A little before the watershed though?

SkipToMyLou Fri 15-Jan-10 17:39:09

EWWWWW lucyellensmumagain that is foul. Time for some brain bleach!

IncontinentiaBotox Fri 15-Jan-10 17:49:24

I keep thinking

"there's a party in my mouth and you're all invited" shock

MadameOvary Fri 15-Jan-10 17:53:12

Oh God OP,
That is priceless
You poor thing.
This thread will never be forgotten, so its a good thing you namechanged grin

At least it wasn't a tapeworm. Apparently the way to get rid of those is with a bowl of warm milk and a pencil.
You hold the pencil, and sit with the bowl of milk in front of you and your mouth open... the worm will smell the milk and put its head out of your mouth, at which point you wind it round the pencil and pull...

Miggsie Fri 15-Jan-10 18:04:42

I think shoving a clove of garlic up your bum and then going to work WITH IT STILL IN, gassing a nursery and THEN posting about it online is SO brave.

And it beats my friends explaining to their visitor's dog poo covered toddler why a dog being incontinent is not a valid reason to have it put to sleep in the "surreal conversation award".

I would also add that the pile of pooh that came out of my cat after his enema was smelly, and so high there was snow on the peak and smelt of cat food...but no garlic. Now THAT's class.

lucyellensmumagain Fri 15-Jan-10 18:11:22

Solidgoldbrass - lovely Some people actually swallow those things ON PURPOSE!!!

JodieO Fri 15-Jan-10 18:18:38

Hilarious

IncontinentiaBotox Fri 15-Jan-10 19:13:10

apparently there was some Victorian trickster who used to horrify crowds by tempting out his wife's tapeworm with a spoonful of sugar held to her mouth

I'd rather have tapeworm on balance, at least there's only one and it doesn't go crawling all over your undercarriage when you're asleep

cathcat Fri 15-Jan-10 19:59:53

Stop with all the talk of tapeworms and mouths!!
<<boak>>

Taramuddle Fri 15-Jan-10 20:20:12

Actually tapeworms shed their segments & the segments can wriggle & are full of eggs! [big boak]

Undercovamutha Fri 15-Jan-10 20:25:13

SGB - now I know you are the person to call should I ever need to be de-wormed. Your knowledge of worm-related facts is amazing. Maybe you could set up as a worm counsellor? grin

Our neighbor squashed a spider and a tapeworm was inside it. All the mothers on the street (including me) were screaming at their children 'put on your shoes, NOW'. In case tapeworms drill up through bare feet I guess hmm. I have no idea to be honest, all the other ladies were doing it so I did too. The DTDs were lucky no one was shoving cloves of garlic up their child's bottom or I suppose I would have done that as well.

Adair Fri 15-Jan-10 20:44:17

Dh once caused a fight at the Arsenal with his arse. After suspecting a gas leak or poisonous terrorist attack, the blokes behind decided it had to be one of them, and ended up threatening violence on each other... <proud emoticon>

Spannerweb Fri 15-Jan-10 20:49:05

Oh my God that's funny. Not at all funny from your point of view (sat on the bog with garlic falling out of your arse and the paint urgently trying to make a run for it) but it's funny.

I laughed so much I couldn't breathe.

CardyMow Fri 15-Jan-10 20:54:11

FUNNIEST. THREAD. EVER. Sorry, OP, I feel for you, but next time, buy some ovex!! This has to be a classic, non??!! I have just sat here with tears literally rolling down my face!!

Why on earth did you have sprouts for dinner??? What were you thinking, woman?

This thread worm just keeps on giving!!!
gringringrin

Ripeberry Fri 15-Jan-10 21:12:50

My 7yr old, who does not like reading much, actually enjoyed reading this.....Hope you feel better and the little blitters are gone!

IncontinentiaBotox Fri 15-Jan-10 21:46:44

"Dh once caused a fight at the Arsenal with his arse" FABULOUS

guys the Ovex hasn't worked [self-immolation emoticon]

should I just sod the leaflet and take another one?

Mallenstreak Fri 15-Jan-10 22:08:07

For pity's sake don't risk it - look what happened the last time you tried something unconventional. You can't put your bowels (and us) through any more turmoil. grin

caramelwaffle Fri 15-Jan-10 22:47:04

Good god woman. DO NOT self medicate. Look what happened last time.

SolidGold - come on. She needs further advice

<snurk>

IncontinentiaBotox Fri 15-Jan-10 23:11:18

yes, come on solidgold, help out a poor suffering worm farm of a woman

while the rest of you carry on Mocking The Afflicted angry

IB: If by 'hasn't worked' you mean that the worms are not all shooting out of your arse, wailing and making for the nearest exit, learn a little patience FFS. These things surely take a day or two to work.

Those worms must be made of stern stuff if the double ended garlic attack hasn't scared them off!

SomeGuy Sat 16-Jan-10 00:41:23

At least it wasn't guinea worm.

"Stagnant water sources host microscopic, fresh-water arthropods known as copepods, which carry the larvae of the Guinea worm.

The larvae develop for approximately two weeks inside the copepods. At this stage the larvae can cause Guinea worm disease if the infected copepods are not filtered from drinking water. The male Guinea worm is typically much smaller (1.2–2.9 centimeters, 0.5–1.1 inches long) than the female, which, as an adult, can grow to between 2 and 3 feet (0.91 m) long and be as thick as a spaghetti noodle.

Once inside the body stomach acid digests the water flea, but not the Guinea worm larvae sheltered inside. These larvae find their way to the body cavity where the female mates with a male Guinea worm. This takes place approximately three months after infection. The male worm dies after mating and is absorbed.

The female, which contains larvae, burrows into the deeper connective tissues or adjacent to long bones or joints of the extremities.

Approximately one year after the infection began the worm attempts to leave the body by creating a blister in the human host's skin—usually on a person's lower extremities like a leg or foot.

This blister causes a very painful burning sensation as the worm emerges. Within 72 hours the blister ruptures, exposing one end of the emergent worm.

Infected persons often immerse the affected limb in water to relieve this burning sensation. Once the blister or open sore is submerged in water the adult female releases hundreds of thousands of Guinea worm larvae, contaminating the water supply.

Once a Guinea worm emerges a person must wrap the live worm around a piece of gauze or a stick to extract it from the body. This long, painful process can take up to a month"

caramelwaffle Sat 16-Jan-10 00:48:13

<assumes Yoda type pose>

ahhhhhhhh

have patience o'little one
put down SPG's spoon of 'lazy wrath
make not your bum to have dragons breath
let not the fruit of sprout, nor juice of garlic pass your lips
get the little blighter's out
by shaking your hips
magic Kemi'kals next time
though you've brought us much mirth
I bet you'd rather have had
a triplet birth grin

caramelwaffle Sat 16-Jan-10 00:52:38

Ewwwwwww - someguy

Look on the bright side, OP: you could develop another side line (when you need a break from producing your special fart-fetishist DVDs) supplying superhero worms to all those boden-wearing home composters...

Yeah, put the wee blighters to good use on a Worm Farm

IncontinentiaBotox Sat 16-Jan-10 14:50:53

shockshock at guinea worm

that is DISGUSTING

at least I didn't contaminate the water supply and give everyone guinea worm

am quite taken with the idea of threadworm farm though - maybe little miniature bonsai worm farms - could catch on as an executive toy, no? Like a zen garden?

WhatNoLunchBreak Sat 16-Jan-10 15:07:04

If you want to go the natural route next time, rather use wormwood; or I've heard that pumpkin seeds work well too.

Sorry to hear about your ordeal. I'm blush for you!

lucyellensmumagain Sat 16-Jan-10 15:23:34

Pumpkin seeds?? her arse would be like a machine gun!! shock

IncontinentiaBotox "at least I didn't contaminate the water supply..."

No, just the air supply. Which your colleagues will agree is much much better!

WhatNoLunchBreak Sat 16-Jan-10 17:52:43

lucyellensmumagain: grin

FaithinQuestion Sun 17-Jan-10 12:29:28

LMAO! Err no, the pumpkin seeds are not meant to be shoved up bum

from very old mumsnet discussion....
"Pumpkin seeds
Pumpkin seeds are a traditional remedy for worms. They work by paralysing the worms but not killing them so it is important that a natural laxative, such as psyllium seeds or flaxseed oil to move the worms out of the digestive system. "

was this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/138/102676

good luck with the little critters..

kalo12 Thu 21-Jan-10 21:09:36

I hope this makes the daily mail round up

Still ROFL at this

tiredfeet Sat 13-Mar-10 13:45:49

I am soooo regretting opening this thread given I have truly horrendous morning sickness at the moment

OP, poor you, but given that info is out there on the internet I bet you're not the first person that has happened to (hoping that gives you some comfort!).

Sorreeee!

Cinderellarach Sat 17-Jul-10 16:16:45

grin

SugarMousePink Sat 17-Jul-10 17:53:36

Pumpkin seeds?? her arse would be like a machine gun!!

That's the thread winner for me - my tummy is hurting from laughing so much. IB - hope you are feeling a bit better now!

Marjee Sat 17-Jul-10 21:11:03

Hahahaha! I'm literally shrieking with laughter at this thread! Thats absolutely hilarious, thanks op for the best laugh I've had in ages!

Tomorrow you could use two garlic cloves, if one was bad, two could be lethal. If anyone comments threaten them with three assuming it will not make your back end pant with the devils itching and your eyes water before you can bung the little cubicle up...

Just a thought - really...

HeartSkipsABeat Tue 08-Mar-11 22:55:35

Fucking brilliant thread! Wow there are some classics on MN, I've only been here a year (with different names) - so much to catch up on...

ClittyClatterous Wed 09-Mar-11 00:27:13

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sorry if you were traumatised. I would have been to but from the outside looking in it is a very funny story. You made me smile before I log out and go to sleep.

Just brazen it out. Everyone has one vile poo incident in their lives. I'll quickly share mine.

New bathroom being fitted. Plumbers fitted the toilet one night temporarily so we could use it and they would finish the next day. I was 9 mth pregnant. Did a man size poo (7ft burly man). Happy and relieved it was out of my system.

Next day I came home from a day out and was told the horrendous story by DH of how the plumber hadn't fitted the outside waste pipe correctly. He had noticed and when he took the pipe out to refit it my man size (7ft burly man) poo had festered overnight and expanded in water. It was a very hot July. Plumbers assistant had to remove it and was found wretching in the back garden for quite a while after.

Poor fella. I didn't feel guilty. It made me laugh for a week. grin

slim22 Wed 09-Mar-11 00:33:51

Oh am laughing out loud!

thumbwitch Wed 09-Mar-11 00:34:38

oh how did I miss this the first time around?

You poor woman. It wouldn't have mattered one jot if you and all your co-workers had been male - you would have gone down as some kind of legend. I know this because that is exactly what happened to DH after a similar seek-and-destroy stench episode in his works' loo - it was unusable for easily half an hour but everyone high-fived him and said "good one!"
They were still talking about the "day DH stunk the workfloor out" months later, with admiring glances and much backslapping.

Men are peculiar animals...
grin

rupert1 Wed 09-Mar-11 00:49:32

well done,makes my day seem so very boring,You should be very proud of yourself,wish i was there.

giyadas Wed 09-Mar-11 00:57:39

hehe I saw this first time round. You should have walked out head held high, declared "last woman standing" with pride, and faked incomprehension to anyone who didn't greet you with unequivocal praise grin

LifesABeach14 Wed 09-Mar-11 02:16:32

I have never laughed so hard on t'internet in my life!!!!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 09-Mar-11 02:22:20

Why was this thread never put in Classics? Is there a Too Revolting caveat in there?

HecateTheCrone Wed 09-Mar-11 07:21:34

Oh this HAS to go in Classics!

And I wonder if the OP still works at the same place grin

poopnscoop Wed 09-Mar-11 07:59:18

Thank you for the brilliant laugh!!! Oh this is too funny

I hope your er.. problem... is sorted soon

(still chuckling)

BigChiefOrganiser Fri 18-Mar-11 02:34:49

ROB(ed)L so much DH is fed up And going to sleep on sofa! grin

CardyMow Fri 10-Feb-12 02:36:56

WHY is this still not in classics? I couldn't find it when I was looking for it!

FairyArmadillo Sat 11-Feb-12 00:46:41

This is the funniest thread I've read on MN grin

gimmecakeandcandy Sun 06-Jan-13 23:01:15

In the interest of raising a laugh I have resurrected this thread as I remember it first time round. Wish the op would come back...

MumVsKids Wed 23-Jan-13 14:02:32

I am literally weeping at this.

9 mth ds is looking at me like this hmm as is DH!!

Brilliant op!!

DH says all you need is an onion and a pair of scissors to get rid of worms. Cut the onion in half, squat over it, and when the worm comes down towards the smell of the onion, chop its head of with the scissors.

Job done.

<still weeping>

KirstyoffEastendersweirdtoplip Wed 23-Jan-13 14:11:43

Amazing stuff, just cut-and-paste that into a round-robin email at work it was that good! smile

GrumpyOldHorsewoman Wed 23-Jan-13 14:27:07

I heard that Phyllida Law story!

Oh dear, I'm sorry for your dilemma, but you've cheered up what had been a woeful Wednesday no end!

grin grin grin

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