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I have greatly humiliated myself-even by my own standards. Please make me feel better by sharing your stories..

(402 Posts)
RumourOfAHurricane Fri 24-Jul-09 21:07:46

Was about to get in the bath a couple of hours ago when I was suddenly gripped with the urge to squirt some of the aeresol cream in my fridge down my throat. Rushed downstairs, totally naked, and am stood there, squirting cream down my gullet and swigging out of a can of Fanta inbetwwen squirts. I put can down on the work surface and err, pick up my umm boob to examine a sore patch from the wire in my bra.

I'm quite happy doing this naked, stood in my kitchen as my blinds are always drawn. I have a kitchen that lets in lots of light and therefore keep my cream blinds down all the time.

Suddenly feel a shadow fall over me and look up. To my TOTAL FUCKING HORROR my elderly neighbours are stood at the kitchen window,( my DD must have pulled up the blinds ), mouths open and looking really shocked. I screamed and just froze. They kind of gestured downwards and rushed off. Turns out they were leaving me their home grown veg that they do every few weeks.

I am well known for my twattishness. My Mum used to ring me up when she was bored to ask me to tell her what stupid thing I had done since we last spoke.

I am the girl who has, over the years...

Knocked herself out on the basin whilst washing her hair over the bath. Timotei shampoo had just come out and the advert showed the girl washing her long blonde hair in a bucket and then tossing it back. I did this in the confines of my Mum's bathroom and cracked my head open.

Broken her leg whilst on a first aid course.

Went out with a guy called Mark for 7 months. Called him Pete every single time during sex. I don't even know a Pete.

Was sat on my bedroom floor once sorting through my drawers when I spooted a big spider. Shrieking, I grabbed a pair of knickers and snatched up the spider and flung it out the window. Meant to just throw the spider, but let go of knickers too. Right in front of the postman.

Arranged an appointment with a double glazing company then forgot about it. Remembered just as the guy knocked on my door and hid behind the sofa until I was SURE he had left. Crawled out from behind sofa to see him looking through the living room window at me.

Received a text from my pal asking how previous evening's shagging had gone with hot new man. Tapped out a long reply saying it was a shame you couldn't tell their cock size from their height and that I only just managed to refrain from asking if it was in yet and that I was going to refer to him as ' Micro Dom ' from now on. ( His name was Dominic ). Promptly sent it to him.

Am I alone? Please say no.

smellyeli Fri 24-Jul-09 21:09:35

I really can't top you, I'm afraid, but thank you for making my evening - ROFL.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Fri 24-Jul-09 21:10:32



Geocentric Fri 24-Jul-09 21:11:33

I'm known for coming out with ridiculous disconnected bits of nonsense when I'm tired, but I'm afraid nothing remotely close to your stories. You are truly a goddess!!!

southeastastra Fri 24-Jul-09 21:11:44

you are alone grin

how did you break your leg on a first aid course shock?

You are alone grin

bigchris Fri 24-Jul-09 21:12:17

you've made that up!
why would you get an urge for squirty cream during a bath unless it was foreplay grin

differentID Fri 24-Jul-09 21:12:40

can I just say that you are very funny shineon?

IsItMeOr Fri 24-Jul-09 21:13:41

Shiney - You have clearly made these up to try to trick us into telling you embarrassing stories you will use against us. I'm onto you grin!

TeamEdward Fri 24-Jul-09 21:13:53


DH has just called downstairs in a concerned tone "Are you alright?" having heard me cackle at this thread!
Shinon, your threads always make me smile!!

TimothyTigerTuppennyTail Fri 24-Jul-09 21:13:57

Oh my goodness! I can't think of anything that horrendous, sorry!

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 24-Jul-09 21:14:56

I broke my leg on the last day of a 4 day course. We had all received out little book things with certificates and the others started sliding down the stair bannisters- they were very good ones to slide down as the course was held in a big, old building.

I slid down too but fell off.

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 24-Jul-09 21:15:39

I am now glad I have only told you the tame ones.

PortBlacksandResident Fri 24-Jul-09 21:15:58

ROFL at naked squirty cream in mouth and boob feel - bet that made the old Gimmers night wink.

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 24-Jul-09 21:16:55

Oh don't. I can never leave my house again until they both die or something.

AlistairSim Fri 24-Jul-09 21:17:00

It really, really is just you.

You do all those things so that we don't have to.

I thank you for that, I really do.

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 24-Jul-09 21:18:30

Jesus Christ.

There must be ONE person. Surely?

I don't do these thing week in, week out. Sometimes months and months go by.

Nope, don't think I can top that. Shineon, you're funny!

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 24-Jul-09 21:19:32

And I only had the squirty cream because my DS's dad bought it over after taking DS strawberry picking in the week.

Frasersmum123 Fri 24-Jul-09 21:19:58

These are not as good as yours but you might not feel alone if I tell you them

We once went to a wedding in the middle of bloody nowhere and I had the map - a horrid fly landed on it so I tried to get it out of the window, but managed to let the map go too and as it was one I had printed out it was just a couple of sheets of paper we couldnt find it again.

Gave myself a black eye - DS has a toy that was like a ball on elastic that you attach to one leg with velcro and skip or kick it with the other foot. The velcro stuck to the carpet so I pulled it really hard - it snapped back and got me right in the eye.

Last night while washing my hair I got it caught in my bracelet, with my hand on top of my head, so I had to call DH to come and untangle me.

I hope you feel a little better - you made me laugh out loud anyway

Hulababy Fri 24-Jul-09 21:21:24

Sorry, just you. But you did make me laugh!

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 24-Jul-09 21:22:10

Thank you fraser- Laughed at those.

Feel one per cent better.

HerBeatitude Fri 24-Jul-09 21:22:28

Have you thought of writing an auto-biographical sitcom, Shineon?

Thunderduck Fri 24-Jul-09 21:23:36

I can't top those but my daft dp could probably match them.

Aimsmum Fri 24-Jul-09 21:24:16

Message withdrawn

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