Was about to get in the bath a couple of hours ago when I was suddenly gripped with the urge to squirt some of the aeresol cream in my fridge down my throat. Rushed downstairs, totally naked, and am stood there, squirting cream down my gullet and swigging out of a can of Fanta inbetwwen squirts. I put can down on the work surface and err, pick up my umm boob to examine a sore patch from the wire in my bra.

I'm quite happy doing this naked, stood in my kitchen as my blinds are always drawn. I have a kitchen that lets in lots of light and therefore keep my cream blinds down all the time.

Suddenly feel a shadow fall over me and look up. To my TOTAL FUCKING HORROR my elderly neighbours are stood at the kitchen window,( my DD must have pulled up the blinds ), mouths open and looking really shocked. I screamed and just froze. They kind of gestured downwards and rushed off. Turns out they were leaving me their home grown veg that they do every few weeks.

I am well known for my twattishness. My Mum used to ring me up when she was bored to ask me to tell her what stupid thing I had done since we last spoke.

I am the girl who has, over the years...

Knocked herself out on the basin whilst washing her hair over the bath. Timotei shampoo had just come out and the advert showed the girl washing her long blonde hair in a bucket and then tossing it back. I did this in the confines of my Mum's bathroom and cracked my head open.

Broken her leg whilst on a first aid course.

Went out with a guy called Mark for 7 months. Called him Pete every single time during sex. I don't even know a Pete.

Was sat on my bedroom floor once sorting through my drawers when I spooted a big spider. Shrieking, I grabbed a pair of knickers and snatched up the spider and flung it out the window. Meant to just throw the spider, but let go of knickers too. Right in front of the postman.

Arranged an appointment with a double glazing company then forgot about it. Remembered just as the guy knocked on my door and hid behind the sofa until I was SURE he had left. Crawled out from behind sofa to see him looking through the living room window at me.

Received a text from my pal asking how previous evening's shagging had gone with hot new man. Tapped out a long reply saying it was a shame you couldn't tell their cock size from their height and that I only just managed to refrain from asking if it was in yet and that I was going to refer to him as ' Micro Dom ' from now on. ( His name was Dominic ). Promptly sent it to him.

Am I alone? Please say no.