Seriously. Why? Why would I do that?

(220 Posts)
pagwatch Mon 16-Mar-09 14:09:24

Sat night party. Mostly people I don't know so feeling a bit nervous. I manage to mangle each one of my childrens names ( when asked) and then , when introduced to someone, I shake their hand and give them my husbands name ...blush " hello I am Pagman" I said shock
Long silence. I said " actually I am not. I am pagwatch. I am not sure why I said that"

DH then shook their hand and said " and i Mr Pag and married to a woman who isn't quite sure who she is"

Why would I do that. I wasn't even drunk FFS. And then I had hours ahead with people who think I am too dim to get my own name right.
I apparently AM too dim to get my own name right.

compo Mon 16-Mar-09 14:10:15

lol
I do that when I'm nervous!

Owls Mon 16-Mar-09 14:11:34

Sorry but grin

MarlaSinger Mon 16-Mar-09 14:12:49

shall I make you feel better?

I went to the loo before leaving the dentists after an appointment last week.

I was just doing my trousers up and someone walked in shock. Because I hadn't locked the door. WTF was I thinking!

So the whole waiting room, including receptionists, got to see my pants.

blush

grin Sorry but that is quite funny. Next time I do that I hope people giggle with me (and perhaps hand me a drink as my body clearly needs to catch up with my mouth).

Lizzylou Mon 16-Mar-09 14:13:16

I always do things like that when nervous, forget my name, kids names/ages, where I live blush

I went out on Saturday, meeting a group of women who I didn't know, but whose Husbands/partners all meet up regularly, I introduced myself as "DH's Wife" all night, like I have no name of my own or own identity. I knew I was doing it, I just couldn't stop it.

Doodle2U Mon 16-Mar-09 14:13:18

Nerves.

Out of practice.

Anyway, are you likely to see any of them again?

pagwatch Mon 16-Mar-09 14:13:23

I know its grin
I have embraced my own twattery. Just wish I knew why. grin blush

pagwatch Mon 16-Mar-09 14:14:19

Doodle
not now !
I expect to see lots of people ducking into doorways to avoid me grin

MamaG Mon 16-Mar-09 14:15:34

lolol

reminds me of that thread where the MNer touched hger throat and said "hello" in an electric voice t hinking the ohter bloke was messing around adn then realised he actually did have a voicebox thing

<snort>

thumbwitch Mon 16-Mar-09 14:17:21

pag - sadly scrambled-eggs-for-brains catches you out at the oddest moments, I find - have done similar things - best one I can remember just now hmm was givine out my phone number to someone (who I actually WANTED to phone) and giving my landline dialling code followed by the second half of my mobile number. [doh!]

BatmansWilly Mon 16-Mar-09 14:19:33

Oh that is EXACTLY the kind of thing I would have done.

I say allsorts of stupid stuff when I'm nervous grin

BatmansWilly Mon 16-Mar-09 14:20:17

MamaG! pmsl! I missed that one lol

ScorpiowithabigS Mon 16-Mar-09 14:20:44

(pagwatch can oyu email me please, i want to ask you a question please? a non-scary one grin stephaniematthews 943 at btinternet dot com Thankyou)

georgimama Mon 16-Mar-09 14:25:28

Did you actually tell them your name was Pagman, then Pagwatch, or did you just mangle your real name? Because I have nearly introduced myself as Georgimama to people, if it is any consolation.

BatmansWilly Mon 16-Mar-09 14:28:10

lol imagine if I introduced myself as my mumsnet username? I'd be 'escorted' out I think grin

AnyFucker would be ammusing too grin

"Hi, I'm any fucker ... and you?" pmsl

pagwatch Mon 16-Mar-09 14:29:59

I said my husbands name. It wasn't even a mangling. I even added our surname as a flourish as in " Hi I am Bob Smith, nice to meet you"

Pretty bad huh .

thanks mama. made me laugh
sure scorpio

4andnotout Mon 16-Mar-09 14:31:04

I have referred to my dd's as dd1 etc rather than their names in rl blush

Gorionine Mon 16-Mar-09 14:36:06

I tend to do that on the phone. I concentrate so much I often go : hello this is XYZ, could I speak to Gorionine please?blush

LOL at intoducing yourself with you MN nickname!

GossipMonger Mon 16-Mar-09 14:39:17

I said to the Deputy Head at school when she asked if my husband could do a cookery demonstration for the children,

'It shouldnt be a problem. I will ask DH when I get in!!!!'

blush

GetOrfMoiLand Mon 16-Mar-09 14:44:26

I am an idiot most of the time.

Had a job interview a couple of weeks ago, they asked me a question, started answering it, went off on a tangent of byzantine complexity and started wittering on aimlessly. I was like a runaway train. I brought myself to a halt by saying 'oh I have forgotten entirely what question you asked' and went off into peals of laughter, saying 'I will remember what it was in a minute' (SHUT THE F UP GETORFMOILAND), 'oh yes now I remember'. I was so embarassed but I could not shut up.

Much to my amazement I got the job. They must like loons.

Rhubarb Mon 16-Mar-09 14:45:48

My friend was on a very busy commuter train going into Manchester once. He had to stand where the toilets were along with around 10 other people. My friend noticed that everytime the train turned on the tracks, the toilet door slid open.

A smart, suited businessman squeezed past them all and went into the toilet. My friend knew about the door and expected someone to say something to him, but no-one did, probably because they were all thinking the same thing.

Sure enough, as the train rounded a slight bend, the door slid open to reveal the man with his pants down doing a crap on the toilet. From then on it was a fight between the sliding door and the man who couldn't quite reach the door whilst trying to wipe his arse and pull up his grots.

All whilst 10 people watched.

My friend said it was the best entertainment he'd had in a long time!

pagwatch Mon 16-Mar-09 14:47:06

ROFL

You are all making me feel much better smile

Your friend is mean Rhubarb, why didn't anyone hold the door shut for him? grin

chimchar Mon 16-Mar-09 14:49:29

WOW....i have tears of laughter streaming down my cheeks.

just the kind of thing i do! blush

thanks everyone on here for making my day! grin

SobranieCocktail Mon 16-Mar-09 14:52:48

Oh pagwatch - if I'd met you at the party, I would have totally hearted you. grin

TigersEnglandChick Mon 16-Mar-09 14:56:11

BatmansWilly - I am PMSL grin

Pagwatch - I am always forgetting things when I'm nervous! The funniest one I can remember tho wasn't me ... when I was leaving a job a few years ago I was given the obligatory card and one of the other members of staff had signed the card using someone else's name! She wasn't even nervous or hurried when she did it - at least you had an excuse grin

georgimama Mon 16-Mar-09 15:02:14

Talking of job interview witterage, I once started prattling inanely in a job interview about cheese.

We were talking about marketing and I started off with a perfectly sensible comment (designed to show that I had done my homework) about the firm having professional/personal profiles for all lawyers on the website - human touch etc. I turned to one of the partners interviewing me and gaily chirped "oh yes, you're the one who likes cheese aren't you? What kind of cheese do you like best?"

I couldn't stop. It was like that Alan Partridge episode when he's begging his producer for a second series - "eat the cheese!"

To his credit he answered and made a few humourous remarks before steering conversation back sharply to whether I would be actually any good at the job. Amazingly they decided I would be.

NotSoRampantRabbit Mon 16-Mar-09 15:02:15

One hungover Sunday pre DC I was lounging on sofa waiting for DSIS to turn up with new boyfriend. In my head I was mentally preparing myself for the introduction, you know:

"Hi I'm NSRR/Hello I'm NSRR/Wotcha I'm NSRR..."

They arrived. I leapt off sofa and said:

" Hi, I'm <dsis's boyfriend's name>"

What a twat.

Fortunately she dumped him fairly soon after. Still amuses my friends though. They know I am a social incompetent.

cornsilk Mon 16-Mar-09 15:05:02

I once forgot my locker combination at the gym.It was the last 4 digits of my phone number but my mind had gone completely blank. A burly man had to cut the lock off with enormous pliers. Duh!

TigersEnglandChick Mon 16-Mar-09 15:05:44

Just remembered, I once ended an answerphone message by saying 'love from TigersChick' as if I was dictating a letter blush
I hate answerphones!

ninah Mon 16-Mar-09 15:08:14

my sides ACHE

howdoo Mon 16-Mar-09 15:52:53

I once kissed one of the senior managers at my firm.
I was sitting at my desk and he leaned across it, and I kissed his cheek without even thinking about it.
It was only afterwards I realised he was reaching for my phone...

Rhubarb Mon 16-Mar-09 15:54:18

<thank God Radio 4 didn't air my frantic attempts to say "caricaturisations" - a completely made up word!>

kitbit Mon 16-Mar-09 16:02:23

I said "love you, bye" to my boss once when phoning in sick. I cited my snot and fever as a reason for the aberration but apparently he told everyone in the office ... blush (in a nice way though, they were a lovely friendly bunch!)

georgimama Mon 16-Mar-09 17:18:17

howdoo and kitbit, you are making me do happy pig noises.

verygreenlawn Mon 16-Mar-09 17:23:51

I did the same as kitbit, said "love ya" in a really cheery voice to a client at work as I was putting the phone down. Phoned her back to say "did I really just do that?" to the background noise of all of her colleagues wetting their knickers with laughter ....

MarshaBrady Mon 16-Mar-09 17:24:39

howdoo that is hilarious.

KayHarkersHeartBelongsToTen Mon 16-Mar-09 17:36:10

While visiting a local mums and tots, I was pretty nervous - two youngsters, new area. No-one spoke to me, naturally, and then, when they served tea and coffee, I went cheerfully up to the hatch and the words 'Tea please, coffee is making me fart at the moment' fell out of my mouth.

I didn't go back the following week to find out if I had made my mark as the 'coffee-farting lady'.

MargotBeauregarde Mon 16-Mar-09 17:38:33

Once I had to pour coffee for a woman at a meeting and there were only two of us. There were four cups and I poured coffee into all of them. I noticed she was laughing, but not openly looking at me, sniggering covertly. Then I was so embarrassed. I started bumbling and flustering and trying to come up with a reasonable explanation of why I'd poured four cups of coffee for two people.

MargotBeauregarde Mon 16-Mar-09 17:39:46

KayHarkersHeart! ha ha, I'd love if you came to my mums and tots group. It's all breastfeeding chit chat there. Give me a good farting story over a breastfeeding story!

pagwatch Mon 16-Mar-09 17:41:01

ROFL at coffee fartage.

<<pag so happy it wasn't/isn't just her>>

MargotBeauregarde Mon 16-Mar-09 17:41:45

Howdoo blush That is awful!!

I have an interview howler as well. Seeker, hope you're not reading.

I once said in an interview that my interests were 'astrology and the supernatural'. I was only joking too. My friends had all laughed when I cracked that joke earlier, I tried it at the interview. Zip. Nada. Blank stoney starey faces.

TigersEnglandChick Mon 16-Mar-09 17:42:48

ROFL @ 'coffee-farting lady' grin

KayHarkersHeartBelongsToTen Mon 16-Mar-09 17:49:29

oo, I'm a finger fidget too - was once waiting for a friend outside one of those mall cafes, you know, with thin wooden waist-height 'walls' decorated with fake foliage. I was absent mindedly dithering with the plants, and suddenly realized the plant felt quite soft, and that actually, I was caressing the dignified perm of an old lady sitting on the other side of the wooden wall.

MargotBeauregarde Mon 16-Mar-09 17:52:24

oh funny!! did she mind? grin

KayHarkersHeartBelongsToTen Mon 16-Mar-09 17:55:40

She was quite gracious grin I blushed to my navel.

SoupDragon Mon 16-Mar-09 18:01:51

I love these threads Rather than simply reassuring the OP that they aren't a complete fruit cake, everyone grabs the opportunity to relate their own personal horror story, despite the fact that they probably would prefer it not to have happened in the first place.

MargotBeauregarde Mon 16-Mar-09 18:38:03

When you said "I thought your head was the fence" did she say "ah, well, that explains everything!"

KayHarkersHeartBelongsToTen Mon 16-Mar-09 18:40:42

As far as I recall, we both did the very English thing of saying sorry a number of times. I'm quite sure she apologized to me too. What is that about?

KERALA1 Mon 16-Mar-09 18:47:07

I accidentally kissed my (now ex) friends new boyfriend on the mouth. He kindly dropped me at the station as he was passing it and I dont know why but I leaned over to kiss him socially goodbye on the cheek, he wasnt expecting it and moved his head so I kissed him smack on the lips in the front of his car. Mortifying. She is the jealous type and I never heard from her again blush

HecatesTwopenceworth Mon 16-Mar-09 19:14:09

haha! Stuff like that is easily done. I remember my 30th birthday. I thought I was going for a drive and then a meal with dh, but he had arranged a surprise for me - all our friends waiting at the restaurant! grin

I walked in, they started cheering. I didn't realise who they were at first (I have a problem recognising people! Especially if I am not expecting them to be somewhere, iyswim) but dh guided me over and I realised what was happening! Anyway, one of them, let's call him Bob, said "Happy Birthday Hecate"

And I replied...

"happy birthday Bob."

Oh the shame.

MargotBeauregarde Mon 16-Mar-09 20:16:14

Hecate, did you say it really sarcastically? as though he were a pushy waitron!!

HecatesTwopenceworth Mon 16-Mar-09 20:26:27

no. I said it as though he had said "hello hecate" and I had replied "hello Bob."

A cheery, friendly greeting. <cringe>

TigersEnglandChick Mon 16-Mar-09 20:50:04

LOL Hecate - you just reminded me of my dad when it was his surprise 50th birthday ...
He'd been told he was going to a Christmas Party at his friend's social club (his birthday is in December, just to clarify wink). We were all waiting for him to come in but his friend brought him thru the wrong door and he saw us all looking the other way! All we could hear was my dad, behind us, saying "Hold on - we're in the wrong place, these people are waiting for someone!" grin

TigersEnglandChick Mon 16-Mar-09 20:50:32

LOL Hecate - you just reminded me of my dad when it was his surprise 50th birthday ...
He'd been told he was going to a Christmas Party at his friend's social club (his birthday is in December, just to clarify wink). We were all waiting for him to come in but his friend brought him thru the wrong door and he saw us all looking the other way! All we could hear was my dad, behind us, saying "Hold on - we're in the wrong place, these people are waiting for someone!" grin

TigersEnglandChick Mon 16-Mar-09 20:51:25

Sorry!
It went to preview so I re-posted ... What a thing to do on a 'daft things I've done' thread grin

I went into the mother and baby room the other day at morrisons, thought I had locked the main door, went to the loo with door open so I could chat to Ds2 in buggy, stood up and another mum walked in blush I hadn't locked the door at all.. sooo embarrassing

edam Mon 16-Mar-09 21:01:05

brilliant thread, love all of you who have confessed to moments of, um, entirely understandable confusion.

Like kitbit, I once told my boss 'love you' by mistake instead of 'bye'. blush

Once wittering in a job interview, was saying something about motivating the team (department was being 'restructured' i.e. people had been sacked). Realised I'd got a bit carried away and said, of course, you wouldn't want to go too far and get all American about it. As the words came out of my mouth, I suddenly wondered why I'd never asked whether the head honcho was actually American or Canadian...

She had a sense of humour, though. and I got the job! (Turned out she was from California.)

Darkmere Mon 16-Mar-09 21:20:30

When I was a love struck teenager I was woken up from a day dream in class by a question from my (very scary and strict) A-level History teacher. With no idea what the question was I immediately paniced and shouted out the name of the last thing I had been thinking about- DP! I tried to gather my thoughts but just shouted his name out again even louder... I might have even shouted it a third time.

I was so very blush

morningpaper Thu 19-Mar-09 20:39:35

lol @ these

I often pick up the phone and say "I'm just calling to say...." errrrrrrr no I'm NOT fecking idiot

moondog Thu 19-Mar-09 20:50:56

God am wheezing like asthmatic elderly Siamese cat.
It was Thomcat who had the run in with the guy with an artificial larynx.

My (foreign) dbil went for some sort of marketing job to do with vacuums. Sister spent hours helping him to research the topic, talk about hoovers fluently and so on.

When he got there and started wittering about suction and whathaveyou they looked somewhat disconcerted and said
'These are er......industrial vacuums.' It was some sort of weird shit to do with physics and research,Gawd knows exactly what.

He still got the job and spent 10 very happy years with them.

HecatesTwopenceworth Thu 19-Mar-09 20:55:15

MP - in my first job, I was a receptionist and mostly dealt with people over the phone. We didnt get a lot of people into the office.

One day, 2 people came in. I got them to sit down, then I stood there and asked "Who is calling please?"

the LOOK they gave me blush

I still go hot with shame over 15 years later!

GossipMonger Thu 19-Mar-09 20:55:25

We used to have a restaurant and the 'sleb' Nick Hancock came in for dinner with some friends.

When he was leaving I went to get his coat and had a chat with him at the door. He was very nice and friendly and as he left he leaned towards me and so I kissed him!! blush ..........he looked so nonplussed and I realised he was trying to prise his coat out of my arms!!!!

<<the shame, the shame!!>>

blush blush

charliesweb Thu 19-Mar-09 21:01:19

I am meant to be preparing tomorrows lessons, but I can't see for the tears streaming down my face.

I was on playground duty recently and a child came up and called me by the TA's name. I said "I am not Mrs X I am Mrs Y" (another TA), realising my mistake I hurridly said "no I'm not I'm Mrs Z". The child was most amused at my inability to know who I was.

ABetaDad Thu 19-Mar-09 21:03:29

pagwatch - I think you may be pregnant.

My wife used to say the most bizarre things when pregnant. She would often insert a sub clause, that had no logical flow, right in the middle of a completely unrelated sentence.

Not being sexist - she really did do this. It was quiet frightening at times.

DisasterArea Thu 19-Mar-09 21:06:34

i was waiting at a bus stop once, a car drew up with someone i vaguely recognised driving. he yelled out 'want a lift' at which i jumped in the car and someone else jumped in the back. a few miles down the road i realised it wasn't the person i thought it was but a random stranger. the woman in the back was the one who had been offered a lift.
i asked to be dropped off at the next traffic lights. blush

moondog Thu 19-Mar-09 21:07:35

L
M
A
O

Was it me though? If I see someone i know at a bustop and offer al ift, I do the same to whoever also waiting.

DisasterArea Thu 19-Mar-09 21:11:41

felt like a mentalist for a long time.

Alambil Thu 19-Mar-09 21:15:27

DA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!

I am howling with laughter at these

PuppyMonkey Thu 19-Mar-09 21:16:36

ROFL, DisasterArea..grin

We have a family joke here about DP who was once on the phone to his brother's horrid girlfriend. He was waiting for his bro to come downstairs and just passing the time of day with gf. So he for no reason at all said to her: "Ah, sprange then." hmm grin This is not funny to anyone else but it makes me have tears of laughter run down my face.

DisasterArea Thu 19-Mar-09 21:16:39

neither of them said anything either. why? wouldn't you?
am so glad i've never kissed my boss. would never be able to go back. ever.

Alambil Thu 19-Mar-09 21:18:25

I'd have wondered who the hell you were...! Am amazed they never said anything!

Blarbie Thu 19-Mar-09 21:19:52

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I'm nearly crying laughing. I can just picture myself doing the same. I hope I don't or I might remember this and fall about on the floor wetting myself!!!!!!!!!!!

threestars Thu 19-Mar-09 21:22:05

I used to work for an accessories company and went to the US to visit the stockists and explain to sales staff how the merchandise was designed/made etc. I'd usually just talk with 6-7 people and it was always really enjoyable.

BUT...at one v. exclusive department store, every single member of staff had been gathered together, from fashion to homewares, to hear my spiel. I went into Porky Pig mode and stammered and spluttered my way through. And at the very end, after any questions, said "thanks for listening. See you later. Oh, but I won't, because I'm going back to London now. So...see you later. Oh, err". DDDUUUUURRRR.

DH also had a problem with goodbyes. At the end of an interview he looked the interviewer straight in the eye, shook his hand, and said "hello".

Rhubarb Thu 19-Mar-09 21:23:28

rofl at these!

theDreadPiratePerArdua Thu 19-Mar-09 21:24:43

Was thinking about re-fencing at bottom of yard of previous house, so went round to adjoining neighbour to discuss. Got house next door by mistake, but woman who answered door was very friendly, pointed out the right door, then said - oh your friends with x aren't you' so we had a bit of a chat about x. Then knocked on right door, got no answer, went home to write a note, returned, yes, put it into the first woman's mailbox <sigh> 'knock knock, it's the f-wit again'

BEAUTlFUL Thu 19-Mar-09 21:26:45

Rhubarb! I'm dying.

moondog Thu 19-Mar-09 21:29:22

<snort> at Three's dh.

moondog Thu 19-Mar-09 21:32:18

My dh worked in Chernobyl for a few years.On first visit, they (mistakenly) thoguht he was a VIP and to his horror as he arrrived at station with interpeter there was a whole welcome committee. Kids' choir, bread and salt, local bigwigs, tv cameras, the works.

He was however feeling really queasy after an odd meal the night before. As he walked into the town hall, feeling he was in a bad dream, he realised he was gonig to vomit, rushed across the room and did so.

Room full of Ukraininians just went silent..........

benfmsmum Thu 19-Mar-09 21:38:46

My next door neighbour came to introduce herself to me just after I had moved in. She said "hello, I'm Jane" I replied "hello, I'm Jane, err no I'm not I'm benfmsmum!" We both then stood and looked at each other not really knowing what to say after that!!

BEAUTlFUL Thu 19-Mar-09 21:42:54

Mine's really bad. A friend of mine makes me re-tell this story every time I see him.

OK. <cringes in advance>

It was Christmas. My brother was deeply in love with his new Christian GF and wanted me to meet her. So he brought her along - with her 13-year-old daughter - to what was supposed to be an "elegant" little Christmas drinks party at my house.

Privately, I was a bit stressed and nervous about the party so I'd started early on the mulled wine. When brother, GF and daughter arrived, I was just at the merry stage so made a big fuss of them and then chatted to them all evening, being all lively and nice.

Sadly for everyone, I kept drinking the mulled wine.

10pm, they decide to go home. FOR SOME REASON, as I rocked on my heels, I thought it would be hilarious if I said goodbye in a pretend-nasty way. ???? My reasoning (such as I was capable of) was something like: We had all obviously got on very well, so wouldn't it be funny if I ironically pretended that we hadn't?

So, I turned first to my brother's new, quiet, deeply religious GF and said, with a huge smile, "Well, goodbye then, you f**king bitch."

THEN, I turned to her 13-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER and -- thinking it'd be even funnier if I upped the ante on this one -- "And goodbye to you, you f**king c**t."

shock

Stunned, shocked silence all round, which I only broke by falling over.

It took months of carefully crafted apology emails to even get me nearly out of that one. I still die remembering it.

moondog Thu 19-Mar-09 21:44:35

Beautiful!!!!!!! shock
Are you insane??????? grin

'Sadly for everyone, I kept drinking the mulled wine.'

Barking!

stop - you lot are killing me!! Am sat here by myself giggling insanely.

Have had a slightly awkward day myself - am running on not enough sleep.

Tonight I was talking to my mum on the phone. She has some very serious health concerns atm but I was trying to get dd bathed. I've been on the phone for much of the day trying to get info out of various officials so ended our phone call with a very distracted 'well thank you very much for that - bye'. My poor Mum must have been hmm

raisingrrrl Thu 19-Mar-09 21:52:43

Beautiful - I am literally PMSL. Thanks for that!! grin

which actually isn't nearly as funny as the rest of the thread blush

i was doin some door to door work once and forgot which side of the door i was on so to speak.

a guy opened the door and i said " yes? can i help you?" he was aa confused as me.
blush

moondog Thu 19-Mar-09 21:53:36

No Kitten, it's a goody. grin

Rhubarb Thu 19-Mar-09 21:55:06

beautiful! shock

OMG, I don't think I've ever been that much of a drunken state to do that!

Did you ever meet her again?

BEAUTlFUL Thu 19-Mar-09 22:07:31

Rhubarb - yes I met her loads more times. They went out for years. It was hell.

Just read your train story to DH and he doubled over!

chimchar Thu 19-Mar-09 22:07:57

these are fantastic! more laughing out loud here..dh is wondering what the hell i'm reading!'

beautiful....you ledgend! love your story! grin

LOL so much my bump is hurting. These sort of threads are no good for heavily pregnant women.

The most embarrasing thing I've ever done is pinch + stroke my dad's bum thinking it was DH blush My dad didn't react and pretended nothing happened.

ClaireDeLoon Thu 19-Mar-09 22:28:21

I am like this - even when starting to learn french and you have to go around the class saying my name is.... in French I got my name wrong. The laughter still haunts me. Its just nerves I know but it it's awful when you get so nervous.

KillerOfTheThreads Thu 19-Mar-09 22:29:21

How many threads will i kill?

moondog Thu 19-Mar-09 22:29:22

Snort at BC.
How coud he not notice and how could you confuse the arses??

SuperBunny Fri 20-Mar-09 00:03:05

When I was about 9, I was wandering along the street with my family and put my hand out to hold my mum's hand. She pulled away so I grabbed it again and felt her tug away. I turned to see why she wouldn't hold my hand only to find it was not my mother but some poor old lady. My parents had stopped several meters behind and were pissing themselves laughing at me angry

ithinkimtallandblonde Fri 20-Mar-09 01:05:22

These are so brill, i've just come home from an absolute shit day and they have cheered me up no end.
My bfdoes some of the best cringey things and i heart her for it. She was going on a train journey and stopped and bought her self some biscuits and a coffee, got on the train and found a seat with a table. There was a man sitting opposite, she sat down and opened the biscuits and noticed the bloke really staring at her and then taking one of her biscuits she just stared back at him and had another one. This went on for a while and she thought the guy was a complete weirdo but didn't say anything, when it came to her stop she got off, put her hand in her pocket and realised she still had her biscuits. To this day is still horribly blush. I love it.
She also introduced herself to her sons friends dad by saying "oh your Adams dad i'm bobs dad".
I couldn't keep a straight face she was mortified.

SuperBunny Fri 20-Mar-09 01:56:54

I love this thread. I keep remembering all the cringey things I have done:

My friend stayed over after a night out and I drove her home in the morning. When I pulled up outside her house, she leaned over to hug me goodbye and I plonked a big kiss on her cheek. It was alsmost much worse but thankfully, at the last minute, I thought, 'wtf am I doing?' and changed direction from her lips to her cheek. I have no idea why I was trying to kiss her hmm

Also, on meeting my mum's new neighbour a few years ago, rather than just saying "Hi, I'm SuperBunny" I lunged at him and kissed his cheek. My parents barely knew this poor man.

I seem to want to kiss people.

SuperBunny Fri 20-Mar-09 01:59:15

This is not so much embarrassing but worrying:

A few weeks after moving to the US, I had a bit too much to drink. I got in the car to go to work in the morning and tried to put the key in the ignition but it wouldn't go in. I wiggled it around and tried again and again before it dawned on me that I was sitting in the passenger seat so there was no ignition blush I think I decided to walk to work.

mollyroger Fri 20-Mar-09 08:51:21

I was browsing mumsnet during my lunchbreak wink at work and was engrossed. When the office phone rang I picked it up and said : ''Hello Mumsnet. How can I help you...''

Cue much bafflement on the end of the line!blush

My work company name begins with M so....

Jackstini Fri 20-Mar-09 14:35:45

Pag - I did similar, introduced my dh as 'and this is my partner'
He gave me a very odd look - we had been married 5 years, no idea why I said it blush

megthedog Fri 20-Mar-09 16:05:01

Beautiful, that is hilarious. Am going to be snorting about that all day! grin

years ago my parents took my db and I to the Edinburgh dungeons - I think db was about 8. Anyway, it was really creepy, dark, images of torture and all manner of scary stuff..my db had been running ahead of us and decided to hide behind the exit door to jump out at us as we were leaving...

only we spotted what he was planning and hung back, letting another couple go in front of us, hence they went through the exit first....so db leapt out, screaming 'BOOOOOOOOOO!' at this poor unsuspecting pair....they almost fainted with horror.

was v v v funnygrin

Oh, my best recent one was when I was heavily pregnant with ds2 - was having a check-up with the nurse and a trainee doctor who was there for the experience. Anyway, The nurse had examined me internally and asked if I minded if the young male trainee also examined me. Feeling gracious I agreed, so, heels together, I let my knees fall to the side...the whole way through the examination my knee was nestled cosily in his crotch while he had a good feel about inside me...I couldn't move and just lay there pretending it wasn't happening. I could feel everything with my knee. Oh God, I was mortified.

schneebly Fri 20-Mar-09 16:15:32

PMSL..literally hmm

These are fantastic grin

I have a few.

I often forget how old I am but not just by one year, oh no. When I was 23 I told someone I was 19 (and believed it for a minute)Wishful thinking probably!

When DS1 was a tiny baby and people asked me what he was called I could never remember because DH and I called all sorts of stupid pet names all the time. I would find myself telling an old lady in the street that my baby was called "Spatula" blush

In my younger days had several jobs which had me rather befuddled. I would be answering the telephones at the local radio station with "Good evening, Golden Ocean?"

saadia Fri 20-Mar-09 16:37:26

These are all so funny, I have many cringeable moments and the one that comes to mind is when I went on holiday to Istanbul with a friend. We went to a tourist site (an old building, can't remember which) and she had just had a dodgy burger. In the taxi on the way back she felt queasy and sick and I was worried that she would throw up.

So, I was a bit befuddled when it came to paying the driver and I hadn't totally got to grips with the local currency. I was giving him some paltry sum and he was refusing to take it. I thought it was because I was giving too much money and he was being too polite to take it so I kept saying "no, no please take it I insist", when in actual fact he was demanding the correct fare.

MammyINeedAWee Fri 20-Mar-09 17:01:53

I used to work at a shopping centre where the voice over lady said once over the tannoy "please visit our garden centre for some lovely begonias....see you later bye bye!"

I still laugh when I think about that.

moondog Fri 20-Mar-09 17:03:53

Hilarious Saadia!! grin

Aefondkiss Fri 20-Mar-09 20:03:31

I have had tears of laughter at this thread, thank you.grin

tee4two Fri 20-Mar-09 21:48:01

After the birth of DS1 my friend visited me in the hospital just as the Obstetrician was making his rounds.

We were chatting as this gorgeous man came around the curtains and when he said, 'Hello then, who do we have here?' I said 'Oh hello, this is my best friend Anne'.
He gave a bemused smile and said 'Pleased to meet you Anne but I was actually asking about the baby'.

I was, and still am mortified.blush

sleepyeyes Fri 20-Mar-09 22:02:37

Ok I used to be a live in nanny and have so many mortifying stories.
One was after a year of living with one family, I opened a closed bathroom door (why why why!!!) to reveal my dad boss naked sitting on the edge of the bath legs wide open one resting on the side of the bath facing the door. We just stared ast each other for a full 30 seconds until I tore my eyes away and backed out. I continued to work and live with them another year it was never once mentioned.
I always wondered what my mum boss saw in him, well I didn't wonder after that day I can tell you!

sleepyeyes Fri 20-Mar-09 22:02:37

Ok I used to be a live in nanny and have so many mortifying stories.
One was after a year of living with one family, I opened a closed bathroom door (why why why!!!) to reveal my dad boss naked sitting on the edge of the bath legs wide open one resting on the side of the bath facing the door. We just stared ast each other for a full 30 seconds until I tore my eyes away and backed out. I continued to work and live with them another year it was never once mentioned.
I always wondered what my mum boss saw in him, well I didn't wonder after that day I can tell you!

moondog Sat 21-Mar-09 11:22:02

<hearty guffaw>
Loving idea of 'mum boss' and 'dad boss' too.What the hell was he doing??

BlameItOnTheBogey Sat 21-Mar-09 11:30:14

DH and I always say; 'love you' to each other when we put the phone down. It's obviously become a habit because DH accidentally said it to the guy at the pizza delivery last night....

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Sat 21-Mar-09 11:42:52

I always say 'Love you' at the end of a phone conversation with DP, my parents or any of my brothers and sisters.

And of course I've said it to countless cold callers and the CSA.

blush

Danae Sat 21-Mar-09 13:16:11

Message withdrawn

HecatesTwopenceworth Sat 21-Mar-09 13:19:22

This didn't happen to me, it happened to my sister.

She was out for the evening and got chatting to a bloke she knew. Now this bloke was very hard to understand normally, plus he was drunk, plus the music was loud, so really she couldn't hear a thing.

This man was normally a joker, so he was talking away in animated fashion and my sister, thinking it must be his usual type of conversation, kept punctuating his conversation with laughter.

Anyway, I'm not sure how (I think someone who could understand, told her) but it transpired that he had in fact been telling her about his near fatal motorbike accident that had left him disabled.

I cringe at that one, so god knows how she feels!!

blush blush blush

HecatesTwopenceworth Sat 21-Mar-09 17:16:01

Ah. Hi there. grin

And then there's the time she was in the living room, my dad was laying on the sofa and the rabbit was on the chair. Now this rabbit was FAT! You know that big bit they have at the front? His was MASSIVE and it was overhanging the chair.

My dad is also a VERY big man. (This is important information.)

So when my sister looked at the rabbit and said...

"My GOD! Look at that great roll of fat hanging off the settee"

My father simply refused to believe that she had actually meant to say "chair" because she was referring to the rabbit.

TallulahToo Sat 21-Mar-09 18:45:17

ROFL so much that I really don't want this thread to die EVER!

For me it's my MIL that always seems to feature....

After spotting her wandering round R Toy store absentmindely leaving her handbag exposed, I thought it would be great, (yes GREAT) fun to pretend to mug her! Picture a lovely little 70year old lady with bulging eyes gripping onto the handle of her little old bag clearly too terrified to speak. The only thing that broke the moment was my little DS calling out her name. Soooooo....

To make up for it I offerred to buy theatre tickets for the Grumpy Old Women Show as she loved it so much. She was delighted and I thought of it as an opportunity to bond over a girly night out. I phoned the box office who informed me that it was all sold out, desperate not to be a total let down DIL, and to avoid her getting the impression that I might have just copped out, I asked for tickets to see just ANY show for around that week. We arrived, took our seats and the show began - remember that MIL is in her 70's.... The show was The Vagina Monologues! I died that night.

moondog Sat 21-Mar-09 19:07:28

Hilarious all of you!
Hilarious^
^Do
carry on! grin

bratley Sat 21-Mar-09 23:05:51

Scheebly, you made me dribble a bit from laughing!!
The whole 'forgetting-the-newborns-name', I've done that....
I was forever saying his name over in my head when we took him out, just incase someone asked what it was and I couldn't remember. It would quite often be the first word to fall out of my mouth, regardless of what the other person said.
A shop assistant asked if I needed a bag - I replied with my sons name...
Or if I was caught off guard I'd make it up blush

Oh, and I STILL give his date of birth instead of mine, regularly.

2shoes Sat 21-Mar-09 23:10:02

this is the funniest thread ever

theDreadPiratePerArdua Sat 21-Mar-09 23:12:58

Oh... I just remembered one... (the anti-d's must have cut out)...

Many years ago I went out with a friend who knew a ton of people and introduced me to many of them on the same night. About a month later I started a new job, which meant starting a new walk to work. So, I saw this guy on the corner of a particular street at the same time each morning and he looked familiar (I should probably point out that I'm really not that good at faces). So after a couple of days, thinking he was this guy my friend had introduced me to the previous week, I said 'good morning'. He looked a bit startled, but said 'good morning' back.

Obviously, it was a complete stranger. The following week I was reintroduced to the guy I thought he was, and he looked nothing like. In the meantime, I spent 2 and half years randomly wishing a complete stranger good morning, on the same fecking corner, every fecking morning...

Heated Sat 21-Mar-09 23:28:55

Was at a party & asked this man his name and he answered "Who?", I said "Yours", He replied "Who?"... I then spoke very deliberately and loudly thinking he was hard of hearing.

He was called Hugh.

2shoes Sat 21-Mar-09 23:32:05

pmsl

theDreadPiratePerArdua Sat 21-Mar-09 23:33:46

Heated - was he from Narfuk by any chance? My father got confused when he phoned by Dr Who's secretary to change an appointment...

fruitbeard Sat 21-Mar-09 23:34:33

I got a new boss last year. I have no idea why, but I can't remember his name. He just doesn't look like a XYZ and it doesn't flow properly in my brain - even now I always find myself pausing for 2-3 seconds before I speak to him so that I don't get it wrong.

However, just before Christmas we had a boozy staff night out, he lives on the same train line as me but further out, we got on the same train but it wasn't stopping where he needed it so he said he'd change at a much earlier stop.

We get to this stop, he gets off, as he does so and wanders across the platform, we have an onboard announcement saying this will be the last train running that night.

I yell out the door "Bob! Bob! You need to get back on this train! Bob! Bo-ooooob!! Bob, why aren't you paying me any attention? Bob? Oh shit, your name's not Bob, it's Mike! Mike!!"

The whole train just fell about laughing... Oh boy was I blush - but at least he didn't get stranded.... (I tell myself that to make myself feel better but i still cringe at the memory)

muminthecity Sun 22-Mar-09 01:04:19

When I was in my last job, I used to pass the same woman in the corridor every day, I didn't know her properly as we were in different departments, but every morning she used to say "Hello, how are you?" or something similar and I'd reply. Anyway, one morning I saw her coming towards me and automatically piped up "I'm fine thanks, and you?" The poor woman hadn't said a word! She must've thought I was insane!

I also automatically put xxx at the end of every message I write on mumsnet, but luckily I've always realised my mistake before posting!

Peachy Sun 22-Mar-09 07:46:47

I've had a habit of deciding, after a glass or two, to pick drinking battles with unlikely candidates. When I say unlikely, I mean these two- hard drinking 20 stone bloke I remember now only as Ian but was a friend of my then boyfriend and T, still friend 6'4" 24 stone ahrd drinking mate of DH's.

Surprisingly I drank Ian under the table. The reason for this is that I never pass out. After that I tried to walk home, forgetting it was 20 miles. Second time we were at a friend's 4oth, country house, pyramids of wine glasses..... hour later sat with dh (then new dh) and turned round without warning and threw up all over him.

I now have to remind myself when I go out, esp. to incredibly posh venues with decent people who know how to have a glas or two and concerse intelligently, that it is not my eprsonal role tolocate the alrgst bloke in the building then attempt the demise of the entire free bar <<sob>>

(Fortunately the snobby niiice dahlinks lady who copped the country house incident ran off with the builder a week after, somewhat trumping my embarassment massively.)

Lawks Sun 22-Mar-09 13:58:05

I was working in an Oxfam shop with a young lad who was there as some sort of rehabilitation thing. He seemed a nice lad, obviously gone off the rails at some point. A bit monosylabic as young lads are. We were spending a long and boring afternoon sorting through the back room. We'd been chatting earlier about how some customers were so rude and how it would be nice to have the confidence to be firm and call people on their rudeness, but the reality is you just smile politely and fume silently.

Someone brought us a coffee and we sat down to drink it. A comfortable silence elapsed. My mind was still racing away on the subject of standing up for oneself. Suddenly I blurted out loudly, in my ringingly posh voice, and (as far as he was concerned) a propos of nothing...

"GOD, I'M SO WET!!" and looked meaningfully at him.

<I'm burning in shame just remembering it>

Of course I meant wet as in wimpish and not bold.

I will never forget the look of abject horror on the poor lad's face. Never.

Shandyleer Sun 22-Mar-09 14:27:39

Haven't laughed so much in ages. Posted this one relatively recently so apologies but went to hospital couple weeks ago with DH for him to have a check up. After he'd seen the consultant he went off to have blood taken, various tests etc. Meanwhile, gorgeous doc asks to see me alone so I can tell him how I think dh is doing. We are alone in a small office, and I am suddenly overcome by the close proximity of very lovely doc, and start being all pathetic and giggly and tossing my head in winning fashion (yes, ok, who am I kidding) - and bang it hard on wall behind me. Oh my god, so embarrassing ....

Shortly after having dc4 (a boy) a woman came up to me and said "oh, you've had the baby, congratulations, you had a girl didn't you?" I had no idea whatsoever who she was and so was distracted trying to puzzle it out so I answered "yes" about having had a girl. Then she asked me what we had called her. Still trying to think who on earth she was, I replied "Joseph". Cue long silence on both our parts ....

My friend moved to a large house in a small village. Shortly after moving her and her husband were walking the lanes nearby and saw a man cutting the grass verges on a sit on mower thingy. Thinking this a good chance to get someone to come and help them cut their own huge lawn they asked the man what his rates per hour were. Turns out he was the local lord of the manor not the local handyman ....

allytjd Sun 22-Mar-09 15:20:21

I've told this before on Mumsnet but it is appropriate for this thread so... DH was round at my parents house for Sunday lunch (he was newish boyfriend at the time), as he was putting some butter on his vegetables my mum asked, rather loudly, "Are you sure your knob is big enough?", she is one of lifes innocents and had no idea why we all ended up sorting and going bright red.

ABetaDad Sun 22-Mar-09 15:39:17

Lawks - I think I might have permanantly lost the power to breathe properly after reading your post. In fact I think I might be hyperventilating or drowning or have a collpased lung or something.

Uttlerly shocking - but a good one nevertheless. grin

TheDevilWearsPrimark Sun 22-Mar-09 16:32:00

I think I surpassed myself last weekend.

I thought curtseying at a policeman was my moment of shame, but no, I met up with a lovely mumsnetter, got far far too drunk and tried to climb into bed with her and her DP. I still have the battle scars from where I misjudged the edge of the bed and landed with a thud. (you know who you are, sorry yet again blush )

OH god, I do this sort of thing all the time, I'm not generally a shy or nervous person but I get caught off guard. I'm especially bad on the phone.

My confession is that I spelt my name wrong on my job application form blush. I still do it all the time now, I swap two of the letters around when I am typing, every time (fortunately the spell check now picks it up). Anyway, I somehow got the job and when I started work my name associated with my email would come up with the wrong spelling and one of my colleagues blamed the IT department and rang them up to get them to change it. I kept silent!

Am I the only one (well, judging by this thread I'm probably not) who gets really nervous when asked to give their DOB or address for verification, like at the pharmacy or something? I must look so dodgy because I suddenly go blank and hesitate before reeling what I hope is my current address and not my last one.

BlameItOnTheBogey Sun 22-Mar-09 18:33:08

I know what you mean Bumper. My personal fear is when in a big meeting and we have to go around the table and say who we are and where we are from. I sit there paralysed knowing that when my turn comes I will forget who I am and where I work. No idea why, I am otherwise very comfortable talking in large meetings....

I applied for a job with an oil company. I had meant to tick the box for working in their research department. Apparently I had requested to work on a North Sea oil rig hmm.

Instead of just explaining that I must have ticked the wrong box I dug myself even deeper trying to justify a career choice that made no sense to the interviewer or to me.

slng Sun 22-Mar-09 18:50:52

If you get your children's names and DOB wrong when phoning NHS direct you can hear the suspicions being transmitted down the phone line ...

I was in a lift with some colleagues, recounting an anecdote about a pissed-up undergrad game of attempting to swallow whole creme caramels.

Just as I was demonstrating the required creme-caramel swallowing technique - bending forward, hair held back in the nape of the neck - declaring in ringing tones "Then you just suck the whole thing in and swallow in one long gulp" - the door opened to admit my (male)boss.

Much macho guffawing and me going bright-red and gibbering.

LaTrucha Sun 22-Mar-09 20:30:31

I spelt my name wrong in the wedding register!

I also phoned my friend's mum's house and asked to speak to myself.

SuperBunny Mon 23-Mar-09 13:31:44

I also spelled my name wrong on the wedding register so my marriage certificates are spelled wrong too. It's only my middle name which does have accents in it but still blush

bleh Mon 23-Mar-09 15:01:17

I've just remembered a rather mortifying one.

At Uni, there were two guys who were best friends, lived together, were similar looking and had the same name. Only, I didn't know this. I thought that there was just one Bob, not two. So, I chatted to Bob 1 and 2 on numerous occassions thinking they were the same person, and assumed that I had a level of acquaintance with that was higher than I thought.
So, one night I went out with a friend, saw Bob 1 (thinking it was Bob 1 and Bob 2) and started chatting to him. He looked a bit confused at times, particularly as to why I was so friendly, but went along with it. Ended up going with him to a club and snogging him(as one does). A couple of days later when I saw Bob 1 and 2 together I realised my mistake (but I did fancy Bob 1 more than Bob 2, so not a total loss. Bob 1 could do magic tricks).

bleh Mon 23-Mar-09 15:04:31

My DF also does some wonderful form filling mistakes. He's put my mother's DOB incorrectly on a number of forms, and once said that his DOB was 31 November. Bless him.

TallulahToo Mon 23-Mar-09 16:39:14

Now that we're into the realms of spilling the beans on the fellow F-wits that we know and love... will share with you a habit of my DH who has actually done this a number of times...

I pull up and wait in car, engine running, at local supermarket cash point. DH goes and collects cash then turns and gets into the wrong car, sits in front passenger seat, looks around and usually notices something unfamiliar about it, e.g. cigarette packets then turns and gets out. Ladies usually take this surprisingly well and don't tend to scream at the strange man in their car but the last time it was quite a large man in the driving seat and poor DH almost wet himself!

Ripeberry Mon 23-Mar-09 16:42:49

I was trying to get some parents to buy raffle tickets today for an Easter hamper, but everytime i asked someone it came out as Xmas hamper and they kept correcting me.
But i found it upsetting to myself that i did not even realise that i said Xmas instead of Easter.
I know i'm 40 this year but what will i be like at 60? sad
My excuse is that i've got so much going on in my head that i haven't got room for things like asking for donations grin

georgimama Mon 23-Mar-09 16:53:04

My DH once went to a petrol station with his PA.

When we go somewhere in a car we usually go in mine, because it has DS's car seat, and I usually drive.

But he was in his own car. And she was in the passenger seat.

He went to kiosk to pay, came back to car, went to passenger door, opened it and got in. Onto her lap.

theDreadPiratePerArdua Mon 23-Mar-09 21:03:22

ROFL georgimama!

BEAUTlFUL Mon 23-Mar-09 22:00:19

When DS1 started school, I was ridiculously over-excited at the thought of the Cake Sales, because I'm just so wonderful at baking. hmm

When the first one came around, I was a mixture of ambition and disorganisation. I wanted to make something fabulous but forgot to buy any ingredients. The night before the Sale, I eventually found a recipe that I had all the stuff for, something called a "Treacle Spice traybake", so I made that.

But that wasn't enough. I wanted everyone to know that I had made this delicious cake, so I also made a DISPLAY BOX hmm for it!, out of cardboard, which said "Treacle Spice Traybake, made by Beautiful, DS1's Mummy!"

Oh God.

In the morning the traybake looked a bit unappetising, so I sprinkled lots of icing sugar on top and took it in, in its special box, and proudly handed it to the PTA woman who looked a bit bemused.

At 3pm, I went to the Sale to see how many people had raved over my offering. There I saw it: during the day, the icing sugar had melted into the black treacle in the sponge, turning it into a weird dappled grey/green colour. It looked exactly like it had gone mouldy. If you've seen an algae-covered pond or mossy gravestone, you've seen my traybake. It sat there, ignored and avoided by everyone, in its box. Its special home-made box with my name, and DS1's name, written on in massive letters...

I know it's a bit late, but unless your friend is Douglas Adams he/she has been telling you porkies with that biscuit story ithinkimtallandblonde

notsoclever Tue 24-Mar-09 11:53:47

Got to bump this 'cos it made me weep with laughter.

notsoclever Tue 24-Mar-09 11:58:37

3 of my favourites... (part 1)

Friends were leaving one evening,and I was on the doorstep - meant to wave goodbye and started clapping instead shock

Apparently the two areas in your brain are closely connected. Didn't stop my other friends from falling about laughing however.

notsoclever Tue 24-Mar-09 12:02:36

3 of my favourites... (part 2)

At a meeting where one guy was late...

Boss: "anyone know about Dave?"

Me: " I spoke to him on the phone yesterday, and he made noises as though he was coming."

Everyone else in the room: "shock shock shock

notsoclever Tue 24-Mar-09 12:06:55

3 of my favourites... (part 3)

My Dad...

Lady next door (Maggie) had a birds nest in her garden but unfortunately the baby birds had tried to learn to fly when it was raining and they had all drowned in a puddle.

Following year, sitting at the dinner table, my Dad said: "Oh look, Maggie's got her tits in the birdbox again."

QuintessentialShadow Tue 24-Mar-09 12:16:09

My estate agents finnished a conversation with me saying "See ya later, love ya, byyyeee" in a sing song voice. grin

When I was a teenager, my mum took me on a trip to my aunts summer house on a remote island somewhere. We had take a boat the last part of the way, and had an hours wait by a pier. We met an elderly lady and her son, who turned out to be friends of my grandma. Later the same year my grandma passed away. We had the wake at our house. These two people came. My aunt, not knowing who they were asked me about them:

"QS, who are those people?"
"Oh, just some folks we met on the pier when we came to see you last summer"

She looked mortified and went to get the full story from my mum.

LurkerOfTheUniverse Tue 24-Mar-09 12:19:01

my mum was in my sister's car, stuck in traffic

she says' I,m just going to nip in the bank, I'll jump back in'

she did jump back in, but someone else's red peugot 306 that was 3 cars back from my sister

The daft bint didn't even notice it wasn't my sister, just started ranting about bank charges

That poor driver's face, she was TERRIFIED that some crazy mad ranting woman had hijacked her car

was hilarious

BEAUTlFUL Tue 24-Mar-09 12:29:47

My friend called a builder in to look at a deep crack (you can see where this is going) that had appeared in the wall of her house. It was behind a big shrub.

The builder arrives and, without thinking, friend says: "Can you part my bush and look at my crack?"

BitOfFun Tue 24-Mar-09 13:10:43

I have only just read through the whole thread-Beautiful, the story about you and your christmas party has made me cry laughing grin....and when Lawks came along I was completely done for...I hope this gets into Classics.

jennifersofia Tue 24-Mar-09 13:22:25

In the autumn last year, we got up early-ish on a Sunday, had breakfast, and got ourselves and kids out of house because we wanted to go to a local museum that gets quite crowded at the weekends. When we get to the museum, to my outrage, the gates are still locked. I check the opening times, and then ring the intercom. Someone answers and I snottily ask why the gates aren't open as it is 9 o'clock, and their sign says that they open at 9. The man on the intercom reminds me that they open at 9. I insist that it is 9, and they should open the gates. The man then says it is 8. I say, 'well, my watch says it is 9!'. He then says, 'have you put your clocks back yet?' - cue embarrassed silence from me...

I've just nominated this for Classics - it really shouldn't disappear!

mollyroger Tue 24-Mar-09 14:16:48

Beautiful, I love your cake story....

LurkerOfTheUniverse Tue 24-Mar-09 14:18:09

lolol at Beautiful

mollyroger Tue 24-Mar-09 14:22:17

I haver never quite recovered professionally from days working on a local newspaper.
We had a load of photos in from a dull royal visit to some dull factory. The photographer had not done any captions, and the snaps were not very good quality, with many many people in them, so the other sub-editors and I were were crowded round the pictures identifying the big-wigs.

''That's definitely Auntie Anne'' I asserted confidentally.

Everyone looked very impresssed.

It was of course, Princess Anne.

I do have an Auntie Anne. But she is an Oxfam-shop worker from Gateshead. Not related to the Queen.

When I was about 8 or 9 my brother and I went to new youth group, and, for some reason I kept introducing myself as his brother. I had probably intended to say that he was my brother. Trouble was that I have a completely obscure name, this was the 70s so lots of boys had hair longer than me, and I tended to wear trousers in any case. So for quite a few years (until the evidence became obvious, IYSWIM) almost everyone there thought I was a boy, and I used to get into such trouble if I was caught going to the loo!

wrinklytum Tue 24-Mar-09 14:54:56

I nipped out to the supermarket whilst dp parked the car and waited for me.

A few minutes later,chuffed with purchasing my Tesco goodies,I dashed back to the car and got into the passenger seat.

"You wouldn't BELIEVE how busy it was in there!" I declared to dp.

Only it wasn't him.

I had got into some random blokes car (NOT EVEN THE SAME MAKE) Who was obviously waiting for his OH.

I was so blush

The guy just sat there looking astounded,whilst I wanted to sink through the floor with mortification.After several muttered apologies I rapidly exited the car,walked 2 cars down to where DP was in fact waiting.

He was PHSL.

Oh the shame!

WilfSell Tue 24-Mar-09 14:58:11

<snort>

have only got a third of the way through this thread but am crying on my keyboard with the kind of laughter that makes you wheeze and grimace like a Kamikaze Muttley where no sound comes out and your shoulders shake. God if someone knocked on the door.

Has cheered me up no end but I fear for my keyboard the amount of snot that is in my nose. I don't know if I dare continue...

WilfSell Tue 24-Mar-09 15:01:05

GENUINELY and not figuratively had to choke myself with tea then in preference to spraying it on said keyboard at KayHarker twiddling an old ladies hair at the mall...

grin

I got halfway through this thread and have had to stop. I am supposed to be writing an essay on history and identity and instead I am rocking back and forth in my chair with my face screwed up in pain and tears rolling down my cheeks, trying not to make any noise that would alert DH, who is working on the other side of the wall, to the fact that I am reading this thread instead of working.
Oh god, this is the funniest thread ever.

benfmsmum Tue 24-Mar-09 15:14:03

Notsoclever's part 2 gets my vote for being the funniest!! Although there are many others that are very, very close behind her!!Tis a great thread and I agree it shouldn't disappear!

blondiep14 Tue 24-Mar-09 15:18:24

Rhubarb - that happened to me once (tho i was only doing a wee!) on my way home from work.
Luckily i wasn't on my usual train and was a bit squiffy due to Christmas drinks.
Was mortifying blush more the next morning when i was sober enought to cringe.

I never use toilets on public transport now.

notsoclever Tue 24-Mar-09 15:22:46

Was in supermarket and left trolley in middle of aisle to pick up a few items. Returned, put them in my trolley and continued on my way. Women says "excuse me, that's my trolley"

Apologised, took my items out and looked around for my trolley - there it was with my 18month dd in the seat - I hadn't even noticed that she wasn't in the new trolley.

kitstwins Tue 24-Mar-09 16:08:51

So, so many. Mostly since I've had my children so hopefully I can blame my shredded brain on them.

Embarassment # 1:
Around 20 weeks pregnant with my twins (so looking pretty whopping/full term). Charming client/big wig extraordinaire comes into my office to meet my boss and I'm included in the introductions. Stick my hand out cheerfully and say "How do you do. I'm.......I've no idea...I appear to have forgotten who I am...". Big wig looks baffled at amnesiac in straining purple dress, boss looks incredulous but starts laughing whilst I struggle to remember my name. Eventually boss stops laughing and gently reminds me "you're Kitstwins".

Embarassment # 2:
In Shanghai Tang concession at HK airport and turn to my husband holding up ruinously expensive cashmere jumper. "This would match your gorgeous eyes" I trill sexily at him, only to realise IT WASN'T MY HUSBAND. Cue hysterical laughter (madwoman alert) as I bellow "Not YOU! Not YOU! I meant my real husband (?). I'm not married to you....". Man is scarlet red with astonishment and clearly thinks I'm some deranged hooker trying to pick him up in an airport shop. Husband looking on with sneaky grin as has seen disaster unfolding. I still get red thinking about it.

Embarassment # 3 - ONLY THIS AFTERNOON!
Colleague going off on maternity leave. Am being introduced to her replacement so do the whole handshake, welcome blurb (manage to remember my name). We waffle politely about babies and maternity leave and colleague says "Oh Kitstwins has twins", presumably to explain mad-eyed look of exhaustion. Replacement politely enquires "Oh, boy/girl?" to which I reply "Yes" only to recall that in fact I have two daughters. "No, no" I correct. "Two girls in fact", looking barking mad. Jesus!!!!!

MrsJoeMcIntyre Tue 24-Mar-09 16:42:07

Beautiful - your first story is absolutely brilliant. There are tears on the document I am reading, I have been laughing so hard.

The only time I can recall: My mum has big double glass doors at the end of her living room, which look out onto the garden. One Sunday morning, she was standing looking into the garden, and out of the blue said, 'Look at the state of my bush'. Cue complete hysteria from mum and I, while dad shuffled awkwardly in his chair and tried to ignore us. His reaction just made us laugh even harder.

FlappyTheBat Tue 24-Mar-09 16:49:17

At school we were discussing our future careers. I was debating whether or not to go into nursing or go to university to study law.

I announced quite loudly that "I can't make up my mind between Nursing or Soliciting"

Couldn't understand why everyone in the vicinity found it amusing blush

theDreadPiratePerArdua Tue 24-Mar-09 16:56:06

Have just been reminded of a friend's public humiliation. She was out shopping for a sports bag with her mother (can you guess what's coming?), so her DM picks up a bag and calls over the display 'Friend, does DH like Head?'.

ROFLed when she told me grin

cocolepew Tue 24-Mar-09 17:00:05

In Paris on honeymoon, we were sitting in a chic little outdoor cafe, trying to blend in hmm The snotty waiter arrives "Bonjour"
"Au revoir" cheerfully shouts DH.

In hospital with pregnancy sickness, I was on a side ward. One morning a man comes in "Good morning, how are you today"

"Alright" says I pushing down the covers and hoisting up my nightie.

He was an electrician not my consultant.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Tue 24-Mar-09 17:05:16

Once on a train DS needed the toilet so we headed up to the bit in between carriages where the loos are. There was no room for me to go in with DD in tow too so I told him to go by himself but not to lock the door. I was distracted by DD trying to open the window on the train door and when I turned back saw the door was locked.

I banged on the door 'Why is this door locked, open it now' panicking he might get stuck in there only to hear from behind me 'it is open mummy' and turned around to see DS kecks around ankles in the other loo. We scarpered before the other person emerged.

bluebump Tue 24-Mar-09 17:05:16

I went to a shop with my friends and the shop assistant was a bit over keen in trying to help us at first. Anyway I find a pair of trousers that I want to try on and say to the assistant "Can I try these on please?" and he doesn't respond initially, he is looking away so I say a bit louder and in a sarky voice "hellooooo I said can I try these please?" and wave the trousers in his face. He said "I heard you the first time and yes you can" and it's only then that I notice that he's got one wonky eye that made it look like he was looking away and ignoring me and i've just waved a pair of trousers in his face...I just stood in the changing rooms for ages going blush blush blush whilst my friends wet themselves laughing. I ended up buying them because I was so mortified.

Guys will you stop posting these hilarious stories. DH is going to find out that I am not writing my essay. And I will be in trouble.

TallulahToo Tue 24-Mar-09 17:19:01

Oooh, Just remembered another one from my (now) very much loved MIL...

First time we met, I had just become engaged to her darling son so she and FIL came to mine for coffee. We had just finished looking at photo's etc, as you do, I knelt down to pick them up from the carpet where she was sitting, she stood up to help...bent over and FARTED in my face! shock Elderly ladies apparently have this control issue. blush

The incident has never been mentioned since - thank god it's not social custom to ask "So how did you and MIL meet?"

MmeLindt Tue 24-Mar-09 17:37:31

We had our new neighbours over for a drink and they brought their rather large dog.

The dog tried to snaffle some of the cheese and our neighbour said, "He has a very fast tongue"

Her DH looked a bit smug

Lawks Tue 24-Mar-09 17:46:10

Roffle @ Kitstwins. I meant my real husband! grin

Tigerschick Tue 24-Mar-09 17:46:15

ROFL at this thread.

Especially like notsoclever's 'noises like he was coming' and not realising that DD wasn't in the trolley grin

KERALA1 Tue 24-Mar-09 17:56:59

I was going to a friends new flat for dinner. I buzzed the buzzer, she let me in. I then knocked on the flat door. A chap answered who I assumed must be her new housemate. I said Im here to have dinner with X, do come in he said.

I sat down made myself at home. He went into his bedroom and pottered about. I sat there for about 10 minutes before my phone rang, its my friend asking where I am. I am in the flat next door. To compound it in my flustered state I left my handbag in the wrong flat and had to go back and get it. Oh the embarrassment and it was pre children so didnt even have pregnancy brain excuse!

onthepier Tue 24-Mar-09 20:32:02

Many years ago, the new neighbourhood vicar + his wife moved into our road. We hadn't lived there ourselves all that long, + were invited to the couple's house opposite, who invited all the neighbours plus the new vicar + wife.

We all spent the morning there having coffee/wine + chatting, spoke to most people over the course of the morning inc. the vicar. I must have gone into auto pilot with small talk, found myself sitting next to the vicar's wife + asked what her husband did for a living!!

Our neighbour had introduced us all to both of them as they came in, (I momentarily misplaced who she was!)blush

She just said quietly, "Ahem, he's a vicar"! Other people nearby heard us + looked at me shocked!blush

Was quite relieved when they moved, (not because I didn't like them, but I couldn't forget my "stupid moment", could blame the wine I suppose, not used to drinking in the day!!)

OTP - you should have said 'Oh yes, I know what he does on Sundays. But doesn't he have a proper job as well.'

youcantlabelme Tue 24-Mar-09 21:07:43

This is the funniest thread in ages..

Years ago when I was in a new job with a new work colleague, said colleague pointed out across the busy canteen- her partner who worked in same building as us-different floor etc etc.

seeing a much older, quite unattractive man (in my opinion) with little dress sense I snorted and said 'oh yeah right, ha ha'.

Guess who WAS right.. and who had to make out I thought she meant the person stood next to him.....?

mollyroger Wed 25-Mar-09 17:35:58

In Paris with my Father. He refused to let me use my superior french, being of that generation where, as a man, he felt he ought to do the ordering etc....

Had to piss mydelf laughing when trying to ask for the bill, he repeatedly asked the waiter for le billet doux.

This means love-letter....

Pollyanna Wed 25-Mar-09 17:38:49

mollyroger, that reminds me of my dh - when in France someone asked him if he spoke French, he did actually respond "un petit pois"

(a pea!).

mollyroger Wed 25-Mar-09 17:51:11

lol...

Was bad enough that I was 16 and rather gorgrous and sex-kittenish in those days. And everyone assumed my Father was my lovverrrr/sugar daddy! They tried to give us a double bed in the hotel. I spent the entire weekend squirming with humiliation, what with ribald comments from taxi drivers and waiters and hotel staff (which I understood but he was oblivious to) and his terrible french....

Shandyleer Wed 25-Mar-09 17:57:55

We had 3 builders putting a new window in our bedroom. One afternoon I came back from the school run just in time to see them driving off in their van and waving to me, so waved back and thought nothing more of it. Until about 10 minutes later
when I was in kitchen and all 3 of them appeared. It occurred to me that wherever they had been they hadn't taken long, and said so. Turns out they hadn't been anywhere - their van had in fact been nicked and I had politely waved goodbye to it and the people nicking it.

BitOfFun Wed 25-Mar-09 19:05:37

Superb, Shandyleer grin

pagwatch Thu 26-Mar-09 14:13:57

I am so glad I found this thread again after being off for a few days. Fantastic stuff

grin

( and i do feel much better and less of an arse after all of these)

theDreadPiratePerArdua Thu 26-Mar-09 16:09:20

Our work here is done grin

TrillianEAstraEgg Tue 31-Mar-09 10:26:43

Special 'this thread is now in Classics' bump!

lowrib Tue 31-Mar-09 19:30:09

Back in the days before DS, I had to meet my boss 8pm on Sunday night, to catch a train for a conference the next day. I'd been up late on Saturday night, and went to bed about 4am really drunk but still worried about sleeping through and missing the meet, set my alarm for midday.

Woke up in a panic about half six, the alarm hasn't gone off, still feeling very drunk, but just enough time to jump into my work clothes, pack manically and rush into a cab to make the train for 8. I tell the cab driver I'm in a hurry and I text my boss on the way to check she was still OK to meet. She texts back and asked if I was going to wear my work clothes or casual for the Sunday evening, I text "I'm in my work clothes now". She texts WTF? ...

and the penny drops ... I've got up at half six in the morning, not the evening. I've only had 3 hours sleep, no wonder I still feel drunk! and I've totally dropped myself in it with my boss blush

The cab continues hurtling along for a few minutes before I can bring myself to say umm I'd like to go back to where we started now hmm.

I remember the visiting midwife coming to see me when dd was a few days old. She quietly walked up the drive when I had my head in the car installing a new car seat and engrossed in getting it right.

She said 'hello'

I screamed
'fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk' at a significant volume and nearly had a heart attack.

Oh she was well impressed by my mothering skills.

and today, I told dd's teacher he needed to bollock her if she missed homework.

He then told me she had to be told off for swearing in teh playground.

I should be locked up for ineptitude.

IheartNY Tue 31-Mar-09 19:50:23

Oh I love the stolen van one Shandyleer

and Beautiful I nearly wet myself at your Christmas party story shock
I'm surprised your brother ever spoke to you again!!!

pagwatch Tue 31-Mar-09 19:57:04

My thread is in classics <<preen>>
It is about twatishness blush

grin

Jackbunnysmama Tue 31-Mar-09 22:01:34

I was once phoning a patient, and was leaving a message on his voice mail:

"Hi, it's Dr. Jacksmama calling, regarding your concern about x. If you'd like to ring me back, the best time to reach me is x o'clock. The number at the office is 604-514... errrr... 604-514-... ummmm... 604..."

I completely blanked at my own office phone number!!!! After four attempts, I blurted "I'm so sorry, I'm having a pregnancy-related brain freeze, I'm sure you have my office number."

shock blush shock blush

He did eventually ring back, and was trying, but failing miserably, not to sound as amused as he was. I'm surprised he's been able to take me seriously since.

Jackbunnysmama Thu 02-Apr-09 19:12:30

Good thing this thread is in Classics or I'd have to pay for its tombstone blush

MissPiggyHasTheFlu Tue 05-May-09 22:38:56

These are fantastic.

Joy27 Wed 13-May-09 16:55:31

I once arrived at a friend's house and her boyfriend (who I had never met before) answered the door.

"Oh hi! You must be Dave", I shrieked.

"Dave....? Er no, I'm Jamie", he replied.

Dave was her ex boyfriend. EX. And the new man had jealousy issues about the old man.

Argh.

Thunderduck Mon 25-May-09 02:56:54

I do stupid things constantly.

I'd booked a taxi to take me into town straight from work.

I was standing outside waiting for my taxi, and a taxi appeared. I went over and opened the door to find this rather posh looking gentleman sitting in the back. I didn't say a word, just stared at him for a few seconds then shut the door.

.I went around the corner, out of his sight, for a few minutes while I got over the embarrassment. I then went back into the forecourt and thought 'There's my taxi'
I went to it, opened the door again, to find the same gentleman sitting there glaring at me.blush

Again I didn't say a word, just looked at him in shock, and disbelief, then closed the door again.

I went back inside the building and 5 minutes later my taxi arrived. It pulled up and I thought thank god, and approached it. Opened it's door, to find that for the third time I'd opened the door of the taxi with that gentleman in it again.

This time I shut the door immediately and dived into my taxi.

He must have thought that I'd escaped from the local mental hospital.blush

Jacksmama Mon 25-May-09 07:13:02

And had you? grin

I have tears running down my face!

I have told this story before, hopefully not earlier on this thread, apologies if I have!

DH's dad (M) has a twin (R). A few years ago we were going to see him on the Saturday for his birthday. I popped in a few days before and MIL was wrapping a present. I asked who it was for and she said R.
"Oh, is it his birthday?"

Thunderduck Mon 25-May-09 11:27:43

Despite what everything may suggest no I hadn't, but if this stupidity keeps up I fear I may become a permanent resident soon.

Thunderduck Mon 25-May-09 11:29:57

I spent last night laughing my head off over these stories.grin

I love the twin story Stealth.grin

wigparty Sun 31-May-09 19:48:32

Me too...

I greeted my prospective father-in-law for the first time by kissing him on the mouth...

My brother-in-law leaned in to greet his future mother-in-law and headbutted her...

Hormonesnomore Sun 31-May-09 20:01:04

These are brilliantly reassuring that I'm not the only one! At a job interview, I was shown the office where I'd be working & introduced to a future colleague - this is P, she lives in the same town as you. P - "Oh, where about?" Me - nothing, silence - I couldn't remember where I lived (I couldn't for the life of me remember the name of my street). I was very nervous though - and I got the job. I think they felt sorry for me.

AlfieandAnnieRose Sun 09-Oct-11 12:37:25

Love this thread! Pea-ness, nine and the bus stop lift had me ROFL! grin

PastGrace Sun 09-Oct-11 12:55:55

I was treating myself to a potter around the Brunswick Centre Waitrose in London [saddo emoticon] and my phone rang and it was my best friend who I hadn't seen in ages. The conversation went something like this

Her: hey gorgeous! I'm just on my lunch break - I'm in London all this week and wondered if you want to meet up? I have to get the train home at about 8, but I'm free from 6ish?

Me: Why don't you just stay at mine? We can have the whole night together

Her: Oh, that would be so lovely. Are you sure you don't mind? I'll eat before I arrive so you don't have to feed me

Me: Don't be silly, I'm shopping now. I'll grab us something and we can have a romantic meal together

Her: Won't your DP mind?

Me: Don't be silly, he can just sit and chat to us whilst we eat and then he can sleep downstairs. There's plenty of room in my bed for you.

All this seemed completely normal in my slightly overexcited brain because we hadn't seen each other in ages, and we are very close. I hung up, picked up my basket and carried on shopping. I then realised everyone in the aisle (all v smart women and nannies with toddlers) was staring at me, open mouthed at the idea that I had apparently just arranged an affair, to be conducted in front of my partner, in the middle of Waitrose. I swear some of them followed me to see what the romantic meal would be. It was stir fry and as a treat I got some gingerbread men - they thought I was even weirder after that.

Trills Sun 09-Oct-11 12:59:42

grin at sexy adulterous gingerbread men!

Jaspermarmite Sun 09-Oct-11 13:13:32

This doesn't really fit in, but I have just remembered it.
I lost 5 year old ds in marks and spencers. After a frantic couple of minutes that seemed ages, I found him sitting on a chair with two members of staff talking to him. I went tearing over, yelling, 'Jack!!'. He calmly said to his two new friends, 'That's not my mum.'

DawnOfTheDeementedDead Sun 09-Oct-11 13:29:25

After my daughters Christening, we had a little get together at the house.

I was chatting in the kitchen, with a group of about 15 friends, and one friend of our was telling us of her forthcoming nuptuals and the idea she had of having an open fire with a whole pig on a spit.

To which i announced, to the whole room 'Oh i do love a good spit roast'

blush

OhMyGolly Sun 09-Oct-11 14:54:33

Oh I love this thread, the image of absent mindedly stroking the old ladies perm has me in fits every time.

Mines not very funny, but I was waiting at a bus stop and a lady stopped and asked me if it was due, I answered "Oh I'm not pregnant", she replied "erm the bus" blush In my defence I had given birth a few months before and people were always assuming I was 6 months gone, double blush.

Bledkr Sun 09-Oct-11 15:02:55

my dil called her gp uncle the other day ie. not Dr Smith but Uncle smith,she had gone for a smear too blush

Putrifyno Sun 09-Oct-11 16:45:11

In my teens I went out with a French guy who invited me home for dinner with his family one night. We had an absoultely delicious meal, but I think my digestion was completely shocked by foreign food, garlic and herbs etc (never got stuff like that at home). As soon as dinner was finished I developed TERRIBLE wind and let out a huge fart. I was mortified, everyone got the giggles and I just couldn't stop - it was like a trumpet solo that went on for about five minutes. They thought it was hysterically funny - I just wanted to die! blush

LOLerskates Mon 17-Oct-11 01:27:42

I was visiting my boyfriend at the time's family just after christmas, and his wee niece had been given a heap of toys including a robot dog that would do little tricks if you whistled or clapped. The whole family, parents, sister etc are sitting round in the lounge, and my boyf and the niece are playing with this dog, trying to get it to do the tricks. But when he was clapping the dog wasn't doing anything. So I had a go. Dog responds, first time. I am a genius. So announce loudly "Ha, see - I have the clap!"

Spenguin Mon 21-Nov-11 19:37:58

Christmas dinner with some friends a few years ago in halls. By chance there happened to be an odd number of us and so we couldn't be 'partnered' when it came to the crackers. What do I yell out to a cafeteria full of sttudents?

'Oh good! We can hav a three-way!'

The echo.

ellietrying Fri 11-Apr-14 21:53:13

I'm going to break the law here and post on a zombie thread... Going through a very bad time at the moment and this thread has cheered me up so much over the last couple of days!!

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