Crap Tips

(520 Posts)
TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:15:56

'Things to do with...plastic cd cases. Save lots and paint them with letters for a giant scrabble board'

This handy tip was in last weeks Pick me Up magazine. Why!? and What!?

Share some please, real or made up. I need cheering up.

noddyholder Wed 11-Mar-09 15:17:30

I bought some exfoliating body mitts from boots for cleaning around taps etc TRAGIC!

Made2OrderJelly Wed 11-Mar-09 15:17:38

i just googled 'crap tips' and got a web page on tips on how to play craps (as in a card game i think)

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 11-Mar-09 15:18:09

Oh god I love reading my MIL's take a break for these very tips. Look, you can make this useless crap by painting anpother random pile of crap!

I love the pictures as well, some frizzy haired norman pointing at her bird feeder made out of used J-cloths, or something.

Oh dear i can't think of any examples that I have seen. <<useless emoticon>>

Bella73 Wed 11-Mar-09 15:18:17

You are kidding?!

That's hilarious. Wonder what you are meant to use to make your giant scrabble board - your lawn? grin

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:19:52

Another recent favourite was 'things to do with a broken umbrella.... save the handle for poking into hard to reach places...cover the frame in tissue paper and hang by a window fora baby to look at.' teeheeeeeeee

PerArduaAdNauseum Wed 11-Mar-09 15:20:45

@Primark - I think the main question here is, why on earth were you reading 'pick me up' or whatever it's called?

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 11-Mar-09 15:22:18

Lol at the umbrella.

Oh why can't I think of any of the ones I have read. Some of them were screamers!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:23:03

There's a fabulous picture actually, the tip is 'When I've finished my copy of pick me up I use pages of the magazine as a mat under my cats bowl, it looks colourful and keeps the floor clean.' Then there's a picture of a cats bowl, and the magazine. As if we couldn't imagine how that would look. Would have been funnier if the cat was munching away alongside a headline like 'cured by a crane'

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 11-Mar-09 15:23:25

PerArdua - it is very necessary to sometimes slum it and read Bella, pick me up and Take a Break. They are very funny. grin

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:24:04

I buy it every week, it's hilarious.

'Brad Pitt helped me jail my Evil Dad' who could resist reading such things?

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 11-Mar-09 15:24:30

i now want to go to the shop and shamefacedly buy a copy just to look at the pictures

fryalot Wed 11-Mar-09 15:24:44

I saw one once that said "to preserve the freshness of bread, keep it in a sealed bag/container"

I was shock no shit sherlock!

Made2OrderJelly Wed 11-Mar-09 15:25:55

And the one where the boy puts the t-bag in his football boots made me

What makes people do this stuff??? <baffled>

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 11-Mar-09 15:26:35

DWP - do you buy Pick Me Up and and hide it ina copy of Grazia?

BalloonSlayer Wed 11-Mar-09 15:26:44

I used to like the Viz ones, like: Tired of having to wait for a Doctor's appointment? Just make one for every day of the year. Any day you wake up feeling well, phone up and cancel it.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:27:24

Oh one hilarious one

'put an elastic band around your gravy granules tub, each time you use it move the band down so you can easily tell when you are about to run out'

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:28:12

I buy Pick me up, Peppa Pigs Playland, Vogue and The Guardian all in one go. No shame.

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 11-Mar-09 15:28:53

PSML at the gravy granules.

Was there a picture of said gravy granule tub with handy finger pointing towards the elastic band?

BitOfFun Wed 11-Mar-09 15:29:00

grin

"Cut your baby wipes in half, and you will find the tub goes twice as far"

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:29:01

Ha! A fellow reader, M2OJelly that photo is so funny.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:30:04

There was, you get an extra tenner for photos dontchaknow.

How about a mumsnet challenge, first to get a shit tip published wins a prize.

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 11-Mar-09 15:31:10

baby wipes? Can you imagine changing an epic poo filled nappy and stopping to cut a baby wipe in half? <<mind boggles>>

Made2OrderJelly Wed 11-Mar-09 15:31:28

And the one that says to use and ice cream scoop to put cake mixture in cupcke cases so each 'ball' will be the same, i would love to know what recipe she uses to make her cake mixure come out in balls

I know the mixture i make doesnt come out so it is mouldable into 'balls' hmm

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:31:58

'I hated having change for parking meters on show in my car in case it attracted thieves so now I keep coins under the floormat and no one knows they are there' Illustrated with a picture of about £1.50 in small change on the floor of a car.

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 11-Mar-09 15:32:17

DWP this is a genius thread.

I am very tempted to go home via the doctors surgery in order to steal borrow some of their Take a Breaks grin

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:34:05

haha another 'things to do with cd cases'

Prime with white paint then use the cases to paint unusual pictures.

I love the use of 'unusual'. Hell yes it would be.

chickeninabox Wed 11-Mar-09 15:34:08
Made2OrderJelly Wed 11-Mar-09 15:34:13

I am up for that DWP

Here is where you send in your tips

DWP i must admit i also buy 'love it' blush (although didnt see it this week)

Boco Wed 11-Mar-09 15:37:36

A couple of dead woodlice sealed up in a matchbox makes a great rattle for a baby!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:37:40

I buy that sometimes, but it has far too many puzzles and 'fashion' and not enough real life story crap.

I must also admit to wailing in the bath reading one of this weeks stories.

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 11-Mar-09 15:38:26

Oh GOD a Pick Me Up website.

A whole world of joy and fun has just opened up.

I may be some time...

senua Wed 11-Mar-09 15:38:44

ROFL @ hiding small change under the floor mat to thwart thieves and then crowing about it in print. Did the photo include the make, model and reg plate?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:38:49

www.pickmeupmagazine.co.uk/tip_offs/index.php?&page=2

Freezer tips, does anyone actually buy the exact same things every time they go shopping?

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 11-Mar-09 15:39:43

"To avoid spills and drips on your keyboard, wrap clingfilm around it. You can still press all the keys just as easily, but it stays clean and coffee-free! "

Cue picture of cling film wrapped keyboard.

Actually, looking at my biohazard PC, that me be classed as a sensible idea.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:40:13

From the website (thanks, I had no idea it existed)

A poem for Pick Me Uppers:
The High Street is shrinking with shops going bust
And life's getting harder to earn just a crust
It's time to take note of each Pick Me Up tip
And learn the fine art of oneupmanship.
Make savings on cooking and cleaning galore
Save pennies with some and pounds on yet more
With all those great tips we can all make ends meet
Our Pick Me Up mag makes our lives so complete.

(weeping)

Bonneville Wed 11-Mar-09 15:40:17

Making a full bar of soap out of slivers of finished ones. Whats wrong with sticking the remains of the old one onto the new?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:41:53

www.pickmeupmagazine.co.uk/tip_offs/index.php?&&&&&page=6

(weeping even more) The Jigsaw tip, oh my gosh the little boy doesn't seem happy, and is that a nappy on his head, how does this illustrate that tip?

We must send some in!

BitOfFun Wed 11-Mar-09 15:42:16

This thread is just the ticket - I very much enjoy giggling at inane crap, it lifts the soul grin

chickeninabox Wed 11-Mar-09 15:42:29

'Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They
will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.'

chickeninabox Wed 11-Mar-09 15:43:20

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:44:37

(Hijacks own thread)

Oy BitofFun did you get my email re this weekend? The DC have helpfully hidden my phone so I'm waiting for a new one to be delivered.

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 11-Mar-09 15:44:41

www.pickmeupmagazine.co.uk/tip_offs/index.php?&&73&72&page=373

Fake tan tip lady.

I was looking at her and thinking Christ, she's bloody orange, when I noticed her name and realise I actually know her from years back.

LOL I shall be emailing friend tonight with this link and having a good old chortle at one of our old mates reduced to selling tips to Pick Me Up

Deemented Wed 11-Mar-09 15:45:18

I'm particularly impressed with the tip to wrap clingfilm around your pooter keyboard to stop crumbs getting onto it....

chickeninabox Wed 11-Mar-09 15:47:54

'An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.'

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 11-Mar-09 15:48:02

''To keep carrots fresh, put them in a bucket of sand when you buy them. You'll find they'll last for ages and you'll always have fresh carrots at hand. ''

There is a picture os ome carrots upside down in a bucket of sand.

Odd indeed.

Marthasmama Wed 11-Mar-09 15:48:11

Boco - My DD would love that rattle. I'm just popping out into the garden now.......grin

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:48:20

www.pickmeupmagazine.co.uk/tip_offs/index.php?&&73&72&73&page=372

similar to the clingfilm tip, tin foil on the hob. Hell why not cover your whole house in the stuff, you'll never have to clean again!

Hassled Wed 11-Mar-09 15:49:07

We've already had the best ever MN top tip - the "putting your children to bed in their school uniforms to make the mornings easier" tip. That was genius

cyteen Wed 11-Mar-09 15:49:07

i used to read take a break religiously every week at uni, it was the perfect complement to all that wordy theory bollocks.

my favourite ever tip was "if you have an old scarf, pin it on the wall". that was it. no explanation.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:49:22

GetOrfMoiLand do you really? That's hilarious.

I have a mate who regularly gets his tips published in Viz: here is his classic (approximately): 'Sexual deviants: Don't waste money on expensive dominatrixes, just travel by Virgin Trains on a Friday afternoon. Pain, humiliation, risk of death and abuse from people in uniform for a fraction of the price you'd pay in Mayfair'.

BitOfFun Wed 11-Mar-09 15:49:23

Devil, noooooo! I didn't. The little buggers grin

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 11-Mar-09 15:49:50

Reminds me of my gran who kept the plastic covers on her new sofa and armchairs for 6 months after she bought the bloody thing.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:50:06

cyteen I am actually crying with laughter now. That's brilliant.

Made2OrderJelly Wed 11-Mar-09 15:50:28

I bet people just send these in for laughs, i mean, surely nobody ever uses the tips?

Boco Wed 11-Mar-09 15:52:39

Can we not just send in some top viz tips? Like - Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.

Hassled Wed 11-Mar-09 15:53:21

chickeninabox

BitOfFun Wed 11-Mar-09 15:53:32

<spits over non-cling-filmed keyboard and sees the genius of that tip now> grin My sides hurt!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:53:51

Does Viz still exist?

Boco Wed 11-Mar-09 15:55:07

You can also use clingfilm to make new contact lenses should you lose yours. Just use a quick blast of heat from a hairdryer to seal them to your eyeballs.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:55:30

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker
"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be
dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.

This must be added to everyones Zombie plan!

Made2OrderJelly Wed 11-Mar-09 15:56:11

boco

I might try that when i next lose mine (or maybe not wink)

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 15:56:30

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
them to wrap it

Or another (allegedly) real one from years back:
'ONe small bottle of Jif bathroom cleaner will remove 5 years worth of rain streaks and bird poo from a gravestone'.

skramble Wed 11-Mar-09 16:00:11

lol grin love it.

chickeninabox Wed 11-Mar-09 16:01:33

Avoid banging your head if you drop something under the table by simply wearing a crash helmet at all times.

Boco Wed 11-Mar-09 16:01:44

Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:01:50

'Old records are perfect for serving pizza and means no washing up' I think that was in take a break.

27T Wed 11-Mar-09 16:04:14

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative
to sun-bed treatments.

FattipuffsandThinnifers Wed 11-Mar-09 16:04:33

A couple of real vintage ones (honestly!):

If you have friends for dinner and you're giving them tinned mushroom soup, pop a couple of parsley sprigs in and they'll think it's homemade.

Keep a pair of old tights filled with corks tied to the end of your bed to roll on your legs if cramp strikes in the night.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:05:27

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The
Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their
holes.

FioFio Wed 11-Mar-09 16:06:10

Message deleted

Strawbezza Wed 11-Mar-09 16:06:29

Love the Viz ones!

Genuine crap tip from HV on weaning my baby: "Just feed the baby the same food as the rest of the family", to which my reply was, "well, I'm having a family size bag of Doritos and a jar of hot salsa, DH's having kebab and chips, will the baby like all of that?"

themoon66 Wed 11-Mar-09 16:06:30

The tights filled with corks sounds like the sort of thing my mother would do hmm

FioFio Wed 11-Mar-09 16:07:34

Message deleted

Flower3545 Wed 11-Mar-09 16:08:02

Lo, thinks I've gone mad, tears rolling down, nose snorting, banging desk top in hystericsgrin

Thank you for this thread, its hilariousgrin

Sidge Wed 11-Mar-09 16:08:18

Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Genius!

Boco Wed 11-Mar-09 16:08:41

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

FioFio Wed 11-Mar-09 16:09:07

Message deleted

SoupDragon Wed 11-Mar-09 16:09:54

Crap Tip : eat plenty of roughage.

Wigglesworth Wed 11-Mar-09 16:12:38

Oh god those readers tips are shocking in take a break (or similar standard issue stereotypical housewifey mags). Bird feeders out of a pinecone and peanut butter, a bar of soap inside a pair of 40 denier tights (colour: california tan) and put inside your knicker drawer keeps em smelling fresh. There's always a picture of some grotty greasy looking simpleton beaming like a cheshire cat proudly at their shite invention as well.

chickeninabox Wed 11-Mar-09 16:13:55

From Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln:
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:15:03

I also saw one where they advised saving up beer cans and glueing them together to make a table. It must have been students having a laugh. But why did they publish it?

shonaspurtle Wed 11-Mar-09 16:15:59

Oh I'm weeping at this thread.

Did you notice that canny pink haired Nikki recycled her own shopping-list-in-cupboard-tip?

I wonder if she got paid twice..?

bleh Wed 11-Mar-09 16:17:08

I love the tip on page 372. "After I had decorated our living room I couldn't find any nice pictures to put up, so I made my own finishing touch. I got a cuddly toy dragon from a toyshop and attached it to the wall with nails".

Why?!

Wigglesworth Wed 11-Mar-09 16:18:43

Oh god shona that link is ace, the one about the chewing gum mint leaves on the next page is a cracker!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:19:25

www.pickmeupmagazine.co.uk/tip_offs/index.php?&&&&&&&&0&2&3&page=14

Look at the fake tan picture, she's red ffs!

I am racking my brains now for a tip I can send off.

Wigglesworth Wed 11-Mar-09 16:20:19

Oh no wait we have a new winner, greeting card confetti! If some fucker chucked that at me after my wedding I would cheerfully knock them into next week.

SoupDragon Wed 11-Mar-09 16:21:51

"If you want a new sofa but don't have the money, just brighten up the one you already have with some dye. My mother-in-law suggested I colour my cushions red. Don't they look great! "

No they farking well don't. It looks like you couldn't afford a new sofa or enough dye to dye the whole thing.

Wigglesworth Wed 11-Mar-09 16:22:22

Oh god the fake tan one, why the hell was she rubbing potato peelings on herself FFS? This is the best thread for a while, I am PMSL.

Made2OrderJelly Wed 11-Mar-09 16:22:36

"deter those unwanted salesmen by leaving used nappies and hypodermic needles littered around your front door"

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:23:05

If you take a drink up to bed, stop dust from getting into it by putting a coaster over the top. Then you can sleep easily knowing your drink will stay clean and clear the whole night through.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:23:50

wiggleworth yes, why was she rubbing potato peelings on herself?

SoupDragon Wed 11-Mar-09 16:23:54
Wigglesworth Wed 11-Mar-09 16:24:25

Look at the Jade Goody question on the LHS. Who the feck is going to take the time to answer I don't know? What kind of people take this magazine seriously?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:24:42
TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:25:25

Who is going to take time to click 'I don't know' ?

SoupDragon Wed 11-Mar-09 16:25:41
Made2OrderJelly Wed 11-Mar-09 16:26:34

the push on light on the tiny little mirror made me lol

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:28:10
Wigglesworth Wed 11-Mar-09 16:28:19

I want Teresa Cornwall from Norwich to come and decorate my DS's room, how shite is that!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:29:28

Instead of using a microwave to defrost food, get into the habit of defrosting your food by putting it in the fridge the night before you need it. It'll save you from having to use the microwave and, as it defrosts overnight, it'll help to keep your fridge cold and reduce its power consumption.

Wigglesworth Wed 11-Mar-09 16:30:46

Soup dragon if you look really carefully you can see the piss and skid stains in his undies. WTF would any self respecting man allow his DW to photo that let alone send it in to a magazine.

Boco Wed 11-Mar-09 16:31:01

Are there really such things as 'expensive fake tan removal creams'? I wonder HOW she realised that potato worked. Do you think while cooking she looked down at her streaked skin and in despair, grabbed handfuls of potato skins and started grinding them into her luminous flesh?

Made2OrderJelly Wed 11-Mar-09 16:31:07

If i put something in my fridge over night it is still frozen the next day hmm

Maybe i need to 'up' the temp in it

BitOfFun Wed 11-Mar-09 16:31:19

Wow, her DP must be thrilled to appear in print on the toilet...I cant stop laughing now grin

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:33:25

Why indeed? People are strange.

Wigglesworth Wed 11-Mar-09 16:33:39

Oh god the one about the shredded paper in your plants is a good one. So he solves his problem by spreading litter in his garden, nice one mate those bastard slugs won't get the better of you eh!

Rhubarb Wed 11-Mar-09 16:33:47

<cough> Radio 4 <cough>

TsarChasm Wed 11-Mar-09 16:37:14

I love the viz ones. Especially 'Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.' Roflgrin

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:37:35
Made2OrderJelly Wed 11-Mar-09 16:37:48
TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:39:44

Radio 4?

Are you hinting that we are all menopausal?

themoon66 Wed 11-Mar-09 16:40:46

To save money on expensive freezer storage-bags and clips, just snip the top of the bag of food and tie it around the opening. This will keep your freezer food neat and tightly sealed.
Joanne Nadin, Cheshire

Really? So I don't have to dispense all my frozen food into different bags before putting in my freezer then? Who'd have thought it! And there was me, thinking it was slutty keeping the peas in their original Birds Eye bag <<tut>>

That red lady on holiday hangs up her sarongs.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:42:26
Made2OrderJelly Wed 11-Mar-09 16:42:36

<confused>

I am too young to be menopausal [young thing emoticon]

Wigglesworth Wed 11-Mar-09 16:43:28

Oh god the red lady has 3rd degree burns, she needs a skin graft, pass the bacon!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:45:08

To keep your potatoes fresh for longer, and to prevent them from going green, place them in the black plastic bags given to you by fashion shops.

Fashion shops?

Wigglesworth Wed 11-Mar-09 16:48:06

Ladies don't get rid of those used tampons, give them to your cat to play with, she'll think it's a mouse.

Wigglesworth Wed 11-Mar-09 16:50:34

Angela Marriot wraps her friends gifts in her old copies of pick me up. Do you reckon she wipes her arse on newspaper as well?

Wigglesworth Wed 11-Mar-09 16:53:45

Darren Woods has nicked Angela Marriots idea, do you reckon he still got his tip money?

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 11-Mar-09 16:55:05

PMSl at this thread - it's great. Mumsnet classic.

Black bags from fashion shops! Do you think she regularly shops on Bond Street?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 16:57:24
Wigglesworth Wed 11-Mar-09 17:00:08

Wow devil that one is a real find. If anyone is getting married I would defo recommend that, if I went to a celebration and they had that on the tables I don't think I could physically stop myself from ROFL.

CherryChoc Wed 11-Mar-09 17:01:24

On the hacking up books page - this lady put stickers on each of the wires coming out of her router so she could remember where each went.

Sounds clever until you remember each hole is a different shape! Doesn't take a genius to work out which bit goes where then, does it...

Boco Wed 11-Mar-09 17:01:41

I use this little bag to carry extra things I need everyday. This makes its so much easier when I have lots to carry in the morning, and when the bag is empty I can simply fold it up and put it in my larger bag. Perfect!
Amy Smith, Cleveland

A bag IN a bag? Genius!

Wigglesworth Wed 11-Mar-09 17:01:46

The one about free condiments from restaurants on pge 58. Erm does she mean free or stolen?

FairyCCTaleEnding Wed 11-Mar-09 17:02:27

extra bag
'for the extra things I need' - what a twat.

Thank you, thank you for this thread. Haven't laughed like this since the swearing one.

JaneSeymour Wed 11-Mar-09 17:02:59

My mother keeps a toilet roll on a toilet roll holder IN THE KITCHEN

in case the spill is not big enough for a full sheet of KITCHEN ROLL

FairyCCTaleEnding Wed 11-Mar-09 17:03:05

Oops, sorry Boco - x post.

27T Wed 11-Mar-09 17:03:29

There's a Sun Readers' Tips page (I'm not making it up). Angela Marriott has posted this gem there here

"It always seemed such a shame to throw away nice birthday and Christmas cards I'd been sent. So I cut them out, covered them in sticky back plastic and used them as coasters."

Those who know Wallasey will be aware that Angela is probably NFW.

themoon66 Wed 11-Mar-09 17:04:05

Ladies... don't throw away your used tampons. Hang them outside of a night for the vampires to suck on. This prevents them having to break in and bite your neck!!

FairyCCTaleEnding Wed 11-Mar-09 17:06:05

Loving Angela Marriott. Trying to imagine what her house is like. How her friends must dread hearing her latest discovery.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 17:06:50

Cool down hot drinks!
Thursday 20th November 2008
If you're in a rush in the morning, but need to have a cup of tea or coffee, just stir a little cold water into your hot drink and it won't be quite so hot for you to drink!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 17:08:21

Oh my gosh, on the Sun page

SNAKE IN THE GRASS
A trick to keep cats off your flower bed is to put a snake there.

Rhubarb Wed 11-Mar-09 17:09:12

<cough> Radio 4 <cough>

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 17:09:14

SET IT STRAIGHT
I always panicked half way to work that I’d left my hair straighteners on and had to risk being late for work to go back and check. But now I’ve started taking a snap of my unplugged straighteners before I leave the house in the morning. So when my heart begins to pound I can look at my phone pic with the time and date underneath. No more worrying about burning the place down!

It can't be serious?

bleh Wed 11-Mar-09 17:09:23

For the Brussel Sprout one, it looks like she also used some carrots. I wonder if they were stored in soil prior to use?

Rhubarb Wed 11-Mar-09 17:10:45

Don't ask me about it, I can't talk about it.

FairyCCTaleEnding Wed 11-Mar-09 17:11:57

Peg Bag

Cut the top off a plastic milk container and make a slit in each side. Feed an old belt through the slits and you can wear it around your waist to keep all your pegs in when you hang out your washing. It save you having to bend down every time you need one.

Anita Saunders, 60, Pentrebach

What's Radio 4?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 17:13:25

POSH BROLLY
If it's pouring with rain when you're off for a night out and your umbrella clashes with your clothes, simply borrow a colour-co-ordinating tie. You can slip it over the umbrella when you arrive and you clashing fashion faux pas will stay a secret.

CherryChoc Wed 11-Mar-09 17:14:23

The Sun ones are quite funny too.

If it's pouring with rain when you're off for a night out and your umbrella clashes with your clothes, simply borrow a colour-co-ordinating tie. You can slip it over the umbrella when you arrive and you clashing fashion faux pas will stay a secret.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 17:16:18

spooky crossed post!

hupa Wed 11-Mar-09 17:16:45

to stop your mirrors steaming up, just spray some of your fella“s shaving foam on it - err surely you wouldn´t them be able to see anything in said mirror.

Comewhinewithme Wed 11-Mar-09 17:17:13

Ohhhh I saw one a while back a woman had lived next door to a nursing home when it closed she nicked all the walking sticks from their skip and used them as curtain rails .

It looked very very odd.

CherryChoc Wed 11-Mar-09 17:17:59

Do you always spend ages hunting for your car in massive car parks? Why not attach a brightly coloured balloon to your aerial so you’ll spot the vehicle a mile off.

grin

I am assuming there is some Radio 4 based conspiracy to fill up these things with ridiculous tips? [Sherlock emoticon]

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 17:18:16

If you really need to remember something, write it on a post it note and stick it to your knickers. Don’t remove it until the jobs done.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 17:19:55

I'm assuming it is Rhubarbs fourth minute of fame re the david tennant thing.

DuffyMoon Wed 11-Mar-09 17:25:02

SNAP TO IT

When you’re driving alone thread the handle of your handbag through the seat belt of the passenger seat and clip it in. It stops thieves snatching your bag at traffic lights.

Tatiana Dovgan, 25, Aberdeen, Scotland

hmm

my car locks .....

TheCrackFox Wed 11-Mar-09 17:39:27

The Sun tips are taking the piss, surely?

"To get my teenagers and husband into recycling, every time I go shopping I put a sticker on any recyclable item before putting them away. So they all know what to pop in the recycling bag."

Nikki Pickard, 41, Carmarthenshire, Dyfed

Complete with picture of various items from her cupboard labelled with an "R" for recycling. hmm

themoon66 Wed 11-Mar-09 17:42:51

And you get £25 for every one you send in?

cyteen Wed 11-Mar-09 17:50:24

Going back to 3rd degree burns on holiday woman, I have two problems with her supposed tip: one, packing all your clothes on hangers might possibly save time but it sure doesn't save any space; and two, who the fuck needs a crease-free sarong?

Am still roffling at the thought that someone might actually get stuck on the Pick Me Up puzzles [insufferable snob emoticon]

GentleOtter Wed 11-Mar-09 17:53:21

If you run out of crack cocaine simply snort nutmeg.

Do I win a fiver?

cheesescone Wed 11-Mar-09 17:54:41

viz circa 1989ish. before going on a hot date sprinkle rice crispies outtside your house so that your date thinks your posh and have a gravel drive when you bring him/her homein the car. phnnar!

Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa Wed 11-Mar-09 18:03:57

Oh FFS

I am in agony laughing at these. My kids thought I was crying. The poem - Oh Jesus the poem..........

The line between the Viz ones (the scuttling hedgehog cheez 'n' pineapple dispenser is my favourite) and the PickmeupTakeaBreak ones is very fine and blurred. The dyed sofa one is my current favourite........although the CD umbrella stand is up there too.

DWP this is a genius thread, thank you.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 18:05:10

'For a quick beauty fix in the office put tippex under your nails and everyone will think you've had a posh french manicure'

Better hope no smokers take this advice.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 18:06:22

'And learn the fine art of oneupmanship'

My favourite line from the poem.

TheCrackFox Wed 11-Mar-09 18:09:46

Just found this from Viz:

FOR many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing
ladies' tights beneath my trousers. I've never found it
embarrassing, as they make perfectly good - and economical -
leg warmers. As a pensioner saving money and warm
are my priorities. In summer I switch to wearing cooler
and more hygienic stockings and suspenders.
Mr A. Cream
Rotherham

Do you think I could send it to Pick Me Up? I could send a photo of DH in.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 18:10:51

Oh please do it!

But is your Dh a pensioner?

DuffyMoon Wed 11-Mar-09 18:11:59

It's a date!

Friday 14th November 2008

I've often found out-of-date diaries in local charity shops that no one can use any more. I buy them cheap and adapt the days to the current year.
Teresa Lloyd, South-east London

hmm hmm hmm

TheCrackFox Wed 11-Mar-09 18:12:09

No, but he isn't aging well. Due, mainly to being married to me. grin

Rhubarb Wed 11-Mar-09 18:14:20

I SAID I'm NOT talking about IT!

Lindenlass Wed 11-Mar-09 18:17:29

OMG PMSL at this thread grin

Thank you, thank you!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 18:20:58

grin Duffymoon, just how long would you have to spend faffing with that.

I must say though, I use academic diaries still, for no good reason.

Rhubarb Wed 11-Mar-09 18:23:22

btw, save water, washing powder AND electricity by taking a bath with your dirty laundry!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 18:25:36

Save time by ironing your clothes when wearing them.

squeaver Wed 11-Mar-09 18:27:37

<<applauds DWP for this genius, genius thread>>

Rhubarb Wed 11-Mar-09 18:28:30

Save money on facelifts - iron your face!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 18:30:47

When ironing your face for a diy facelift, why not pop your hubbies y-fronts over your face and iron them at the same time?

Rhubarb Wed 11-Mar-09 18:32:37

Blocked up loo? Pretend to have dropped the hamster down there and have the kids clean it out for you!

CompareTheMeerkat Wed 11-Mar-09 18:33:51

This thread is making me laugh. A lot grin.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 18:34:05

Bobble plate stuck down the back of your cistern? Consult mumsnet.

Rhubarb Wed 11-Mar-09 18:36:34

Tired of picking up dog poo? Find a toddler and tell them you dropped a lump of chocolate on the pavement.

JohnnyTwoHats Wed 11-Mar-09 18:39:57

O M G

'If you have finished with a book and don't know what to do with it, why not cut the cover off and frame it? Not only does it fill up empty space on a wall but it gives any room a great vintage look!'

Rhubarb Wed 11-Mar-09 18:41:37

When you've finished reading The Sun, why not do your bit for recycling and wipe your arse with it?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 11-Mar-09 18:49:05

grin

SoupDragon Wed 11-Mar-09 18:52:16

To save time, wipe your arse on the Sun before reading it. It is, after all, a pile of shit.

themoon66 Wed 11-Mar-09 18:53:51

take your old take-a-breaks to the drs surgery www.pickmeupmagazine.co.uk/tip_offs/index.php?&&&&&&&&0&2&3&4&5&6&7&8&9&0&1&2&3&6&9&2&5&8&9&0&1&4&5& 6&7&8&9&0&3&4&5&6&7&8&9&0&1&2&3&4&5&6&7&8&9&0&1&2&3&4&5&6&7&page=78

There is MN thread about this running today. Someone saying that it is THE worst magazine for a drs surgery to have hanging around grin

fruitbeard Wed 11-Mar-09 18:56:57

Crying with laughter here.

the one entitled Easy Cheesy has just made me howl - thank God she doesn't have to suffer the misery of unequally sliced cheese any more... (that one surely must be a wind up?!)

SoupDragon Wed 11-Mar-09 19:01:05

I was about to submit a tip but you actually have to add a photo!

Could I send the Bat and suggest saving on easter decorations by attaching rabbit ears to any stuffed animals you already own?

themoon66 Wed 11-Mar-09 19:03:35

I'm not sure the picture has to actually have any connection with the tip. I've just seen one about removing sticky labels using a cotton bud dipped in olive oil. The attached pic was of a random pyrex jug sat on a teatowel [scratches head]

themoon66 Wed 11-Mar-09 19:04:40

oh - how about MNers submit tips, but we ALL attach the bat picture? This way we will know each other grin

cyteen Wed 11-Mar-09 19:07:23

The book one is excellent. Why would you not know what to do with it when you've finished it?

BananaSkin Wed 11-Mar-09 19:11:35

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

SoupDragon Wed 11-Mar-09 19:14:53

How long before they publish it do you think?

CherryChoc Wed 11-Mar-09 19:28:08

ROFL at this "privacy curtain" - "...You can then decorate as you like!" ... it looks like one has murdered the other - talk about sibling rivalry!

kettlechip Wed 11-Mar-09 19:45:18

Oh I absolutely love this, I ache from laughing!! These people are deranged. I will now be cutting my cheese with a potato peeler, that's genius.

My God though, that woman with a stuffed dragon nailed to her living room wall.
www.pickmeupmagazine.co.uk/tip_offs/index.php?&&73&72&73&page=372
I'm not sure she's going to make it into 25 Beautiful Homes any time soon.

And on the same page, who the hell would go tto the trouble of cutting out tin foil sheets to fit over their hob just to save the 2 minutes it would take to wipe it clean?

CherryChoc Wed 11-Mar-09 19:46:41

Oh yes kettlechip that tinfoil was funny... also, it looked like a GAS hob... I hope they remembered to cut holes in the foil for the gas to come out of!

SoupDragon Wed 11-Mar-09 20:28:55

I have that exact same dragon (it's from Ikea). I may try this out later.

now I'd NEVER have thought of this..... hmm

"If, like me, you can't get your hand into the bottom of a cup or glass when washing it, simply use a utensil with a long handle, such as a fork. Push the cloth to the bottom and rub around and your cups will come out perfectly clean."

melpomene Wed 11-Mar-09 20:34:43

My favourite 'tip' from Take a Break was from a woman who didn't have enough room to store her CDs, so she stuck the CDs onto her ceiling with Blu Tack. There was a photo of the CDs stuck to the ceiling, arranged in a ring around a hideous tassled lampshade (just the discs not the cases - presumably she used those for a giant scrabble set).

wiggletastic Wed 11-Mar-09 20:39:58

PMSL at this thread..... is this all for real? Must buy Pick-me-up tomorrow for a laugh as have never bought it before. TBH I haven't bought a magazine since DD (4 mths)was born but am still buying the Sunday Times in vain and putting it in the recycling a week later almost completely unread!sad

ellenjames Wed 11-Mar-09 20:49:49

thankyou for this thread, i am 38 weeks pregnant and surely all the laughing will make me go into labour!

Blu Wed 11-Mar-09 21:01:39

The best MN tip was from Collette who puts a pair of toddlers tights on her head, tucks the phone between the tights and her ear and ties the legs under her chin. This enables her to carryon with the housework whilst talking to her mother.

I think that, with photo of tights on head, would get in!

Blu Wed 11-Mar-09 21:03:38

To avoid he embarrassment of dashing across the landing when naked, keep your shower gel handy in the shower!

I'm so grin I found this thread. I actually love the room with the dragon. Should I be worried?

Oh no, you only get the £25 if they print it in the magazine, not just online. There goes my money-making plan! grin

RustyBear Wed 11-Mar-09 22:07:18

"this lady put stickers on each of the wires coming out of her router so she could remember where each went.

Sounds clever until you remember each hole is a different shape! Doesn't take a genius to work out which bit goes where then, does it..."

cherrychoc, you'd really think so, wouldn't you - but I've lost count of the number of times I've had a teacher tell me their interactive whiteboard isn't working & I'd find they'd plugged the USB into the network cable port.

Maybe I should get a subscription to Pick me up for the staff room....

melpomene Wed 11-Mar-09 23:40:29
melpomene Wed 11-Mar-09 23:47:27
melpomene Wed 11-Mar-09 23:51:21

Magnet Magic - no parent has ever thought of doing that before.

I would like to enbaressingly admit that I have read a few tips that would actually be of some use to me! blush

Thanks for this thread, have died laughing reading it grin

LadyOfWaffle Thu 12-Mar-09 00:18:51

Visit to the doc!
Sunday 2nd November 2008

Once a month I take my last 4 copies of Pick Me Up to my local doctor's surgery for their waiting room. I can think of no better 'pick me up' than reading your excellent magazine to make someone feel better!
Ian Laird, Merseyside

We found our culprit re: the waiting room thread !

LadyOfWaffle Thu 12-Mar-09 00:21:07

VIDEO BAG

Get a hot new look with your old video cases. Simply attach a shoe lace to the empty video box on either side and slip in your favourite articles where the cover used to be. Chuck in your things, snap it shut and sling it over your shoulder. And if you get bored your can re-read your fave mag’s stories.

Pat Tipps, 44, Hove, East Sussex
MIRROR, MIRROR

My old steering wheel cover didn’t fit my new car but I couldn’t bear to part with it. So I used it to jazz up an old round mirror. It looks great and has pride of place on my bedroom wall.

Jodie Anthony, 19, Ystylafera, Swansea

OUT IN THE COLD

To save room in your freezer, take food out of big, bulky boxes, cut out the cooking instructions and using a fridge magnet, stick them to the freezer door. This will save you room for more ice cream!

Ally Stewart, 42, Dunfermline, Fife
Must be a MNer! grin

This is a good one though blush - ROLL SUN

Fill an empty roll on deodorant tub with sun cream. It's a convenient size to pop into your handbag or child’s school bag to ensure you always have sun protection at hand.

Lynne Newton, 40, Spennymoor, Durham

LadyOfWaffle Thu 12-Mar-09 00:23:01

SET IT STRAIGHT

I always panicked half way to work that I’d left my hair straighteners on and had to risk being late for work to go back and check. But now I’ve started taking a snap of my unplugged straighteners before I leave the house in the morning. So when my heart begins to pound I can look at my phone pic with the time and date underneath. No more worrying about burning the place down!

Karen Ramsey-Hampshire, 23, Northampton

Bonkers! Wonder how many times she checks the pic. grin Why not but a timer for the plug??

BitOfFun Thu 12-Mar-09 00:28:20

LOW, missed you on property twats night! wink

LadyOfWaffle Thu 12-Mar-09 00:32:44

BOF - The Match was on <<rolls eyes>> Sky +ed it though, will watch and read thread grin

BitOfFun Thu 12-Mar-09 00:35:36

I was juvenilely crude as usual grin

LadyOfWaffle Thu 12-Mar-09 00:37:27

Great! Roll on the weekend so I can watch/read it grin

JaneSeymour Thu 12-Mar-09 07:12:57

I've got a really GOOD tip actually if anyone wants it. When you have old crib sheets left from a moses basket, don't throw them away. They make really good hair towels - you can wrap them twice round your hair after washing it, the elastic keeps it on your head and it's not heavy like a proper towel - you can EVEN get dressed with it still on as it's less bulky.

And it's far more absorbent.

I use big old fitted cot sheets for the children, they love tow rap themselves up completely and roll around pretending to be 'moths' hmm

but they do soak up water quickly. smile

JaneSeymour Thu 12-Mar-09 07:14:46

Oh and my olny other tip. Might as well share! When a baby is jusat waking up, say you need to wake them to go out quickly - have their trousers ready when you do it. The first thing they will do is stretch their legs out and you can just bung on the trousers really easily!!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 08:44:36

Oh I do that with crib sheets, very handy. I dyed them red though as they were a bit grubby after countless washes (I'm crap at seperating whites, slattern)

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 08:45:16

The videobag is hilarious, sounds like the sort of thing I would have made in my 'experimental' teenage years.

Tee2072 Thu 12-Mar-09 08:56:11

Someone actually sent in a tip to cut Xs in the bottom of sprouts?!?!? No one does that any more! Its totally pointless.

Great thread BTW! Needs to go into MN Classics.

Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa Thu 12-Mar-09 09:12:09

Bag a bargain!
Tuesday 11th November 2008

Recycle an old pillow case by cutting strips from it and sewing them back on for a bag with straps.
Kathleen Masson, Forres, Moray

Tres chic, non?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 09:14:41

The new issue of pick me up is out today, I'l buy it later and report back.

SoupDragon Thu 12-Mar-09 09:20:52

all the links on thei thread are now 1 page out as there are new tips at the start. including

"Pop an unwrapped bar of your favourite smelling soap into the little bag that comes with washing powder tablets. Then hang it in your wardrobe to keep your clothes smelling fresh!
Ruth Newton, Durham"

and

"Pop a bar of soap into the little bag that comes with your washing powder tablets, and hang it over your garden tap. Now you can easily wash your dirty hands before coming into the house, after working in the garden or garage!
Stephen Newton, Durham"

GetOrfMoiLand Thu 12-Mar-09 09:23:42

Lol at filling up old roll on deodorant tubs with sun cream.

How in the name of moses do you remove the roll on ball to put anything in it??

I looked at my roll-on bottle this morning (oh dear god in heaven I am actually trying out Pick me Up tips) and you would need a degree in Materials Science to be able to work out how to remove tha ball and fill it.

MUMSNET TOWERS please ensure this goes into mumsnet classics so it doesn't disappear after 30 days. This is genius and is as funny (funnier?) than the shopping lists thread.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 09:30:55

Oh I would burst with excitement if it did. Bit gutted my curtsey thread is gone now.

SoupDragon Thu 12-Mar-09 09:34:33

the problem is that none of the links will be right As soon as they add new tips at the front, all the links go out of date.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 09:38:14

Oh yeah I just noticed that, poo!

Maybe I should write in and complain 'disgruntled of mumsnet'

bleh Thu 12-Mar-09 09:43:02

Hm. Ruth and Stephen Newton of Durham must have CRAZY evenings, coming up with new and inventive uses for washing powder tablet bags and soap

GetOrfMoiLand Thu 12-Mar-09 09:43:15

Oh never mind about the links being out of date, we can discover new crap tips that way smile

Perhaps we should copy and paste naff tips in future. Oh but then we don't get the benefit of the cringesome pictures <<wrings hands>>

DWP I am going to go and buy Take a Break and Pick Me Up from now on grin

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 09:44:34

Oh but you can click to open image in new tab, then it's a stand alone url. Pain in the arse though.

GetOrfMoiLand Thu 12-Mar-09 09:45:17

PMSL at Ruth and Stephen Newton.

Ruth and Steve - just try sex. It's great. Occupies your time and everything.

Stayingsunnygirl Thu 12-Mar-09 10:16:22

I don't think that Ruth and Steve have tried all their tips - surely if you hang a bar of soap in a mesh bag on your garden tap, the soap will just get washed away when it rains.

I agree this thread should be in Classics - I love it!!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 10:17:47

And who wants their clothes to smell of soap?

I agree they need to spice up their sex life a little.

GetOrfMoiLand Thu 12-Mar-09 10:54:36

have requested that this go into MN classics - just got email from Catherine MNHQ who says consider it done grin

LadyOfWaffle Thu 12-Mar-09 11:27:32

We definatly need to try and get into one of these mags with a tip... See if we can get the bat in the background grin

I think the 'add ears to any soft toy to make an easter toy' would work, with the bat as the pic.

Can I steal the idea and submit it? Who said it first?

Blu Thu 12-Mar-09 11:37:06

I love the language in tips - it is always 'pop' instead of 'put'.

RustyBear Thu 12-Mar-09 11:40:00

Actually, it is possible to refill roll on deodorants - I remember DS's toddler group used to fill them with paint for the little ones to paint with - it worked veryt well & saved a lot of mess, but I was never involved with refilling them, so I have no idea how they did it.
Possibly you could lever the ball out with a nail file?

fircone Thu 12-Mar-09 11:58:28

My sister sent me a tip cut from Take a Break (with picture).

A woman suggested that if you wanted to give yourself a pedicure in a B&B, use the sachets of sugar to keep your toes apart when trimming.

Then, of course, you can replace them for the next occupant...

SoupDragon Thu 12-Mar-09 12:48:28

I've already submitted the bat, Trillian. under the name Emily Trout (which is not my real name )

mollyroger Thu 12-Mar-09 12:53:53

Milkshakes
Tuesday 27th February 2007

If your kids love frothy milkshakes and you can't afford a milkshake maker, fill a cafetiere with milkshake powder and milk. Just pump the plunger up and down to make tasty shakes.

Suzanne Halkyard, 35, Scunthorpe, Lincolnshire

Wigglesworth Thu 12-Mar-09 12:53:57

Is this thread still going, I showed this to my DH last night, he thought it was well funny. He was especially taken with the potato peelings on botched fake tan, he said she had the worst nagasaki tan he'd ever seen.

Can't read this thread am on my lunch break and about to have some funny looks from the people in my office. It's OK that my eyes are watering as I have a cold but I think they think I'm crying.
For the record, I'm up to By FioFio on Wed 11-Mar-09 16:09:07. PMSL. Hope DS goes to bed early tonight.

oooh I've got one:

Have an argument with a colleague before MNing at lunchtime. That way when you are laughing hysterically behind your monitor they will think you are sobbing inconsollably, feel bad and leave you alone.

Look at the face of the glow in the dark dog grin!

You sure it's not your name Soupy? I have a friend with the name Haddock. (no, really)

Wigglesworth Thu 12-Mar-09 13:11:14

Look at page 375 on pick me up tips. That is such a poor excuse for her to get a pic of herself in her bikini in the magazine. I wonder if she's trying to get into nuts or zoo, well I guess everyone has got to start somewhere eh!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 13:15:39

Feed the birds
Monday 30th April 2007
I really love birds and it's great to have them in the garden twittering away. To tempt them in, I go to the all-night supermarket and buy the cheap bread when they're selling it off. Then I cut the loaf in half and wedge it onto the top of my washing line.

I know a Haddock too TrillianAstra shock!

OK couldn't resist and am now caught up.
I have one, shamelessly stolen from "Baby Proofing your marriage" (Great book, can recommend buying it to burn). This tip was made in all seriousness, along with the ones about having a few nights out before your child is one month old etc.

Learn how to give blow jobs. You husband will think you're wonderful AND you won't ever have to have sex again.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 13:20:28

Oh it's in classics! (slow emoticon)

Hoorays

SoupDragon Thu 12-Mar-09 13:22:24

A Haddock is not the same as a Trout though.

I don't think they're going to publish my tip mind you

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 13:22:49

What did you say?

SoupDragon Thu 12-Mar-09 13:24:27

"If you have material blinds or curtains by your sink, pop them in a plastic bag while you're washing up, to prevent them getting splashed and stained. "

Or perhaps simply wash up more carefully hmm

Although if anyone sends in my tip, probably best not to send in a picture

SoupDragon Thu 12-Mar-09 13:25:26

It was sticking ears onto a stuffed toy to save money at Easter and to provide a talking point when you have people over for an easter egg hunt. Perfectly reasonable I thought...

if you find your bathroom floor is wet after showering, try pulling the curtain while you shower. BINGO - no more mopping up.

SoupDragon Thu 12-Mar-09 13:27:36

I did spot a fab one in the Mirror last Friday (I was reading it in a childrne's play place for amusement value) which was something like "save money by knitting your own dishcloths. I bought a big ball of dishcloth wool for 99p and knitted 347 dishclothes from it!""

SoupDragon Thu 12-Mar-09 13:29:31

"Calendar room border! Thursday 29th January 2009

Decorating a child's room can be expensive, so why not use an old calendar as a border. Not only will you be recycling but it also saves having to pay for a border, plus it's a handy way to teach your child about the months and seasons! "

Probably not ideal if you have the FHM or Nuts calendar which would teach your child about something else entirely.

I'm still waiting for

Short of cash? Submit a pointkess tip to a trashy magazine. £25 for the price of a second class stamp!

GetOrfMoiLand Thu 12-Mar-09 13:31:00

Wigglesworth - I know that girl on page 375 from years back, she is just the type to try desparately to try and get into Zoo or be a FHM High Street Honey (blurgh)

Last thing I know was she was trying to make it as a stand up comedian hmm.

She is about as funny as syphillis so I don't think she was successful grin

SoupDragon Thu 12-Mar-09 13:31:06

"Cut out your name and address from the envelopes you receive in the post. They're very handy to stick on competition entries as it saves you writing your address out over and over again!"

[weeps]

How about - recycle old stuffed toys by taking the ears from one, the head from another, and the body from a third to make an all-new toy! <bat>

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 13:32:32

Kitty treat!
Tuesday 7th October 2008
When my cat, Lucky, fell ill, he was put onto a special diet, and was not allowed treats. However, he was used to having his daily treats. So I emptied a treat tub, filled it with his new food, and now he can still have "treats" out of the tub, but is sticking to his diet - so he doesn't feel he is missing out. Just remember to take the "treat" amount out of the meals!
Sarah Bell, Outer Hebridies

eh?

GetOrfMoiLand Thu 12-Mar-09 13:33:37

PMSL - SouDragon - is that one real or a made up one??

GetOrfMoiLand Thu 12-Mar-09 13:34:36

Oh my god as if the fricking cat looks at the tub.

Is the world full of morons?

That cat, TDWP might belong to this family:

Cubby holes
Tuesday 20th March 2007

If you've got a big family like mine, you'll know how possessive kids can be about their bottles of fizzy drinks. Mine were always arguing over whose was whose so now I've allocated each of them a cubby hole in the wine rack. They always know which one is theirs and there are no more rows.

SoupDragon Thu 12-Mar-09 13:39:54

"allocated each of them a cubby hole in the wine rack" Snort! Let's hope they don't drink from Mummy's cubby hole by mistake...

It's a real tip, GOML!

GetOrfMoiLand Thu 12-Mar-09 13:41:26

Bottle of pop in the wine rack? Blimey.

How's this for a tip:

"encourage your children to drink water. It is both nutritious and free, with the added benefot of preventing pop fights"

Give yourself a Croyden Facelift before sex and then you have no worries about going on top and your jowls hanging down in your man's face!

Did you not read my tip? You should never have to have sex again!

Queenoftheharpies Thu 12-Mar-09 14:11:56

Har! OK, I take everything back that I said about crap magazines in hospital waiting rooms. This is comedy gold and I can't wait for the next time the antenatal clinic keep me waiting.

Stretch Thu 12-Mar-09 14:28:23

I have a tip that we use! grin

When DD1 started walking, we couldn't afford a stairgate for the front room and she was always pulling on th door handle and opening it. DH took out his screwdrivers and turned the handle upside down so you have to pull it up to open it! Worked a treat, has worked for all the kids!

Extra enjoyment is watching guests come round and struggle with the door until you tell them it's kiddieproofed!! grin

CherryChoc Thu 12-Mar-09 14:40:29

I was sent an email with some "credit-crunch busting tips" today grin Some of them have been on here already but these are my favourites which haven't:

Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 14:41:57

Oh send it in but hang a framed picture of the bat on the door for the picture!

Do it!

I have to say I've just popped out for dr pepper (so misunderstood) and they didn't have pick me up so I got take a break, very dissapointing! Some of the tips are even sensible.

mollyroger Thu 12-Mar-09 14:50:58

Make a rustic bird box by stapling shredded wheat to the roof.

mollyroger Thu 12-Mar-09 14:54:14

Cut down on the high cost of chrsitmas by concieving on March 24th and calling your child Jesus.

mollyroger Thu 12-Mar-09 14:56:30

Personlised clothing for children is expensive. Cut down on this by christening your child GAP. That way, they will never run out of clothes with their name on the front.

BitOfFun Thu 12-Mar-09 14:59:21

It can be my mission now then...Pick Me Up, you say? And Do I have to buy a Grazia to hide it in? Or has it been established that MNers are ok to buy it in a knowing post-modern way without any camoflage?

skramble Thu 12-Mar-09 15:01:43

LOL cherrycoke did you actually send them in, hope you had good pics.

skramble Thu 12-Mar-09 15:02:25

Sorry cerrycoke read it properly and see you were sent the email. [[doh]

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 15:04:33

Go forth BoF, have no shame.

There is a brilliant headline in Take a Break though 'Ghost in my womb - that's my mum's face'.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 15:05:36

Pick me up has a fab kinky sex feature every week too. A recent favourite was people who like to wrap each other up in gift paper and bows.

mollyroger Thu 12-Mar-09 15:07:13

I am one of those people who actually turns up early to dentist/docs to allow extra crap magazine reading time....I get very cross if they are running on time and I am denied

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 15:08:33

Oh the thread is on the homepage, I've earnt two mumsnet badges today!

skramble Thu 12-Mar-09 15:12:33

Found on a tips web site.

"If your clothes have a stain then don't worry -just cut that piece out and stain will be remove!!!!"

"If your dog has scaly skin, a flat tounge, and can move its eyes in different directions, it is possibly not a dog." ????

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 15:16:17

On another site 'Brainwaves – This is where people write in to share their “good” ideas, I personally am never going to forget the woman who wrote in to say that she often didn’t have earrings to match her outfits so what she did was paint a pair of plain white plastic earring with nail varnish to match her outfit. Agggggggggghhhhhhh'

bleh Thu 12-Mar-09 15:29:24

For the current first tip (about vinegar): why on earth did the Alison from Harrogate choose that picture?!

skramble Thu 12-Mar-09 15:36:10

"My bedroom's so cluttered up with all my ornaments and cuddly toys I decided to tuck all my teddy bears behind my curtain rail. It keeps them up out of the way, and my bedroom floor clear! "

Leah Smith, 20, Chester, Cheshire

Leah your 20 grow up and ditch some of the toys.

skramble Thu 12-Mar-09 15:38:07

"I just couldn't bring myself to throw away my favourite saucepan when the handle fell off. So now I use it as a plant-pot holder instead."
Maureen Harrison, 64, Leicester

hmm that will be atttractive.

skramble Thu 12-Mar-09 15:41:31

"If the rain has made your grass all muddy and you don't want to ruin your shoes on it, simply tie some old carrier bags around your feet, as modelled by yours truly. I'm sure Dolce & Gabbana wouldn't approve, but they don't live in rainy Coalville! "

Pic of her sporting said poly bags

Julie Smith, 45, Coalville, Leicestershire

70schild Thu 12-Mar-09 16:01:23

I once read that stale digestive biscuits (or was it rich tea?) could be painted with several coats of varnish to make handy coasters grin Genius!

PMSL especially at the person sentimentally attached to a pan!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 16:04:37

Has the lady with the plastic bags never heard of wellies? Wonder if D&G would approve...

On a diet but fed up of eating salad? Fry it in lard - hey presto, healthy food that's tasty too!

I hope that those perverts who like to wrap each other up in gift paper and bows have the sense to recycle it. Or at least cut it in pieces to make a jigsaw for their little ones.

BitOfFun Thu 12-Mar-09 16:16:04

Oooh, I've got it now...Use an old cassette tape to make a wig for a fancy dress party!

I'm obviously far too posh for this magazine, I am feeling quite soiled tbh...There's an article I'm steeling myself to read about a woman who orgasms giving birth. She has nine children.

BitOfFun Thu 12-Mar-09 16:18:16

Another tip for cassette cases...write people's names on the labels and use them as place holders at a dinner party. I wonder where? Islington, perhaps?

CharleeInChains Thu 12-Mar-09 16:23:08

I still remeber the one with the tights.

'My grandkids cuddly toys were always being left all over my house, i hung up a pair of my old tights and stuffed them full of the cuddly toys to make an attractive feature in the bedroom........... hmm

It was acompanied by this ladies grand daughter standing next to a pair of scabby tights looking horrified at her teddy bulging out of something that used to harbour grannys crotch.

CharleeInChains Thu 12-Mar-09 16:23:40

I still remeber the one with the tights.

'My grandkids cuddly toys were always being left all over my house, i hung up a pair of my old tights and stuffed them full of the cuddly toys to make an attractive feature in the bedroom........... hmm

It was acompanied by this ladies grand daughter standing next to a pair of scabby tights looking horrified at her teddy bulging out of something that used to harbour grannys crotch.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 16:24:25

grin Charlee me too

BoF

If you can bring yourself to actually read it note the liberal use of the word 'soothed' It's in every farking aricle. 'We'll be fine, I soothed' etc I know of nowhere else that word is used like that.

BitOfFun Thu 12-Mar-09 16:29:59

Aaaaaaaargh! I'm only a paragraph in, and I'm already regretting it...the mental image of the woman in the photograph slobbering over her husband with her legs in stirrups is too much for me. I'm afraid [puke]

StrawberryWhore Thu 12-Mar-09 16:32:30

My two favourites:

Things to do with staples - make a nice bracelet by joining used staples together.

Plus the woman who found one morning that a large branch had fallen from a tree in her garden, so she took it inside and fastened it to the wall in her hallway to use as a coat rack - leaves and all!!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 12-Mar-09 18:25:37

I actually own a lovely bracelet made from staples. My very talented friend made it for me, but they are not used, that would just be cheap wink

plusonemore Thu 12-Mar-09 19:16:56

havent the time to read through so apologies if this is a repeat. The one i remember is

save all the small bits left at the end of a bar of soap, when you have enough put them in the foot of an old pair of tights, tie and cut then use as a new bar of soap.

Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

cyteen Thu 12-Mar-09 20:18:41

I'm very disturbed at the high proportion of completely mental tips sent in by people from Leicestershire hmm

melpomene Thu 12-Mar-09 20:44:36

Just remembered another one, from a book about improving your marriage/relationship; they had a list of suggestions for fun activities to do together with your partner, and one of the suggestions was 'Bake a pie and take it to the police station.'

cyteen Thu 12-Mar-09 20:48:28

Are you sure it wasn't a pan of special brownies? wink

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 00:20:07

'Bake a pie and take it to the police station.'

Well I've got no plans for tomorrow morning, shall I try it? Though maybe best not given my previous interactions with the local boys in blue.

permatired Fri 13-Mar-09 09:38:57

Just had a quick look at Pick Me Up in our local shop (for research purposes only obv!) aand headline was "Escalator ripped my trousers off" grin

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 10:04:45

Brilliant, I hope I can get a copy today.

my firm favourites are 'cured by a crane' and 'in love with an orange man'

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 10:07:48

I have just text DP and asked him to buy TAB and PMU (oh look at me with my acronyms).

I imagine he is very confused. I nearly brained him once when he bougth the Mail on Sunday instead of the Sunday Times.

My favourite ever EVER from Viz:

No need to disturb your other half when turning lights on for night time trips to the loo. Simply stretch a length of string from your bedpost to the toilet pan. Straddle, walk slowly, and when your genitals touch porcelain, hey presto, you've found the toilet.

TheOddOne Fri 13-Mar-09 11:02:27

This is in a book i have about funny misprints - it's from Jackie Magazine:

"Here is a list of tips to keep your hair in the best condition: Cut it out, paste it on a piece of cardboard and hang it in your bathroom"

KingRolo Fri 13-Mar-09 11:02:59

Rofling at Pick Me Up's 'Come on in' page - Here's one I made earlier

Phil Drury's giant ball is quite magnificent.

'It is made entirely of the cellotape off cardboard boxes from my work place and has taken about 2 months to make!'

KingRolo Fri 13-Mar-09 11:06:33

OOh, that Phil is clearly proud of his ball -he's sent it in twice!

'Who knows how big it'll get?'

CMOTDibbler Fri 13-Mar-09 11:13:29

And I thought my nans tip of 'always buy the same tights. Then when you get a ladder in one leg, cut that leg off, and wear them with another one legged pair' was crap..

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 11:14:48

CMOT- MY nan told me that one too! grin

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 11:18:45

I was about to say that 'Who knows how big it will get'? I genuinely laughed for about 15 minutes when I saw that. Good news here, the local newsagent had pick me up. Will wait until I've taken DS to nursery and then sit down and have a read.

I've just remembered another funny one, 'love it' magazine has little suggestions over all the articles 'read it in the bath' 'read it when waiting for the kettle to boil' etc. Why?

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 11:22:06

'who knows when you will be sacked from Sainsburys for spending all your work time making a GIANT BALL OF SELLOTAPE AND RIPPED UP CARDBOARD?'

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 11:23:13

Is the new PMU out then? The issue I have is the selltape ball man.
I think I might have found a new and exciting hobby!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 11:25:45
JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 11:28:16

I hope Nitah Goolaup's relatives aren't expecting gold and jewels for Christmas this year...

nickytwotimes Fri 13-Mar-09 11:28:37

Love the fact it says "Come On IN"

Erm, no thanks.

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 11:33:04

PMSL Notah Goolaup's dolls.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 11:33:07

grin

BoF or anyone else with this weeks issue, how funny are the photos on the tips page?

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 11:35:45

Psycho Psychics

A whole new world of joy has opened up.

Plant spirits wtf?

Orbs?

Cat sleeping in a basket?

No, they are not orbs, your camera is crap, and cats normally like sleeping in baskets.

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 11:38:15

[[http://www.pickmeupmagazine.co.uk/psychics/index.php?&&&page=4 why has this woman got a snake around her neck??]

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 11:38:47

Brilliant! 'Who says animals don't have souls?' Who indeed?

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 11:38:56
JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 11:39:17

I need the new issue- I want to find out what happens in 'Forced To Wear A Dress Of Blood'

nickytwotimes Fri 13-Mar-09 11:39:29

pmsl at plants having fairy-like energies.
What a pile of shite! grin

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 11:39:45

Plant spirits called Diva's??

So that's why my begonias are so high maintenance.

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 11:41:40

do you think this woman is a MNer?

Sample quote "Perhaps it was something to do with my 36G boobs, but I'd always been an over-producer".

nickytwotimes Fri 13-Mar-09 11:43:51

OMG at selling it for weirdos to drink!

<considerd watering down the blue top and passing it off as bm for cabinet minister types> wink

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 11:45:23

GetOrfMoiLand that article warrants a thread of its own. Blardy hell.

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 11:46:49

I know - I pasted the thread before I actually read it properly.

Then I read it - I don't know if it got funnier or more frightening the more I read!!

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 11:47:43

Mind you, if we start flooding the board with Pick Me up threads we will probably get kicked of mumsnet grin

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 11:49:41

grin I wonder if pick me ups Big Tech is reading this thread, they must have noticed increased traffic?

Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa Fri 13-Mar-09 11:50:55

'Soon after, I arranged to meet a man whose email name was 'Kinky'.'

hmm

I am supposed to be sleeping and recovering from a stomach bug when 30 weeks pregnant, but just 'popped' in to read this this thread again.

Is laughter good for stomach bugs?

The psychic pages are spectacular.

Wigglesworth Fri 13-Mar-09 11:55:04

Eww selling B milk to weirdos, why? Her last comment, aren't all men obsessed with breasts? Nice!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 11:58:22

www.pickmeupmagazine.co.uk/come_on_in/index.php?&&&&&&&page=8

Although, their tech can't be all that good, look at the blatant repetition with totally different captions.

nickytwotimes Fri 13-Mar-09 12:02:17

I don't think Kirsty Reed gets out much, does she? wink

<considers irony of that last sentence...>

KingRolo Fri 13-Mar-09 12:02:33
TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 12:03:45

What a cad!

nickytwotimes Fri 13-Mar-09 12:04:24

God, I bet it's a laugh riot round their palce. hmm

KingRolo Fri 13-Mar-09 12:06:23
Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa Fri 13-Mar-09 12:07:43

KingRolo

Waaaaaaaah! Jesus.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 12:08:25

I'm crying and have to go take DS to nursery. Must stop giggling.

bleh Fri 13-Mar-09 12:10:56

Aw, instead of the "text your DP/DH, see how he responds" type thread, next time: send picture of DP/DH to him indoors at Pick Me Up, send him link when it's posted and tell us his response! (divorce).

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 12:18:15

Why is Frank Spencer naked in Pick me Up?

TheOddOne Fri 13-Mar-09 12:25:34

Oh Lordy it's been a while since i laughed so much at a thread.

KingRolo Fri 13-Mar-09 13:14:58

What did a Power Ranger want with a middle-aged couple?

Ryan Hawks, 32, wouldn't rest until he knew.

Nor can I.

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 13:17:31

Right. That's it. Am going out RIGHT NOW to buy the new PMU. I just can't rest until I know!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 13:34:13

Forced to wear a dress of blood is disappointing. As was 'cured by a crane'. The headlines always suggest so much more than the article actually delivers.

EdwardBear Fri 13-Mar-09 13:44:28

I LOVE this thread, am laughing out loud at some of the photos.
Have a confession to make though - I was IN a PMU article once blush

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 13:45:25

OOh Edward Bear elaborate please

cyteen Fri 13-Mar-09 13:52:37
EdwardBear Fri 13-Mar-09 13:55:16

It was in 2006 when DS1 was little.
I was on the 'Due in October' thread on Bounty and became close to a few other Mum to be's too.
One of the girls knew someone who 'wrote' for PMU and she ended up doing a story on us being 'Bump Buddies' from all over the country and how we are all so different but pulled together etc etc.
They paid for us all to meet up in the middle of where we all lived and we had a lovely knees up out of it.
Most of us are still close friends and speak daily, so its quite a nice thing to look back on. I've got a copy of PMU with the article in inside DS1's baby memory book (he'll be so proud lol)
What they wrote about me, although totally different from what I actually said, wasnt too bad. They wrote that friend wet herself and went to hospital thinking her waters had broken though. She was not impressed pmsl.

Wonder if they keep old editions online?

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 14:02:45

Oh, back now- 'just on 'Eaten By an Escalator'.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 14:07:14

Go to page 15, hubby in the nuddy, oh dear!

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 14:10:07

Things to do with old cassette tapes:

Attach string through each hole to create a necklace.

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 14:10:56

TDWP- it's all I can do to stop myself joining him in the shower, too hmm

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 14:12:39

'If you're serving breakfast and run out of egg cups, the tube inside a roll of wrapping paper is a perfect replacement. Just cut into smaller sections and balance the eggs on top.'

By which she means she used toilet rolls, but thought it sounded unhygienic.

snice Fri 13-Mar-09 14:14:52

Have we had: "Save money on expensive binoculars - stand closer to the object you want to look at"

Copyright Viz

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 14:16:38

The picture looks distinctly phallic too, or is it just me?

TheOddOne Fri 13-Mar-09 14:22:03

Nobody in the history of the planet has ever run out of egg cups.

<fact>

Novelty egg cups, oversized egg cups from previous years Easter eggs, wedding day egg cups still lurking because they don't really break.

Would anyone like some egg cups?

BottySpottom Fri 13-Mar-09 14:22:21

These are really scary. Are these people real do you think, or are they wind ups?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 14:23:09

Actually, I recently couldn't find ours and so cut up the egg box and put the eggs in that. (my own crap tip)

dearprudence Fri 13-Mar-09 14:24:13

Why would anyone take a picture of this shrub anyway?

TheOddOne Fri 13-Mar-09 14:27:17

TDWP - a much better tip than using the inside of a bog roll. Have you considered sending it in?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 14:38:09
georgimama Fri 13-Mar-09 14:39:03

I want to know why Gillian Jackson of Todmorden, West Yorkshire no longer needs her road safety arm band and can therefore spare it to put on her dog's collar. Did she lose an arm?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 14:39:38

It is a better tip! maybe I will.....

Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa Fri 13-Mar-09 14:41:00

<wheezes with laughter at bottom boobs and the number of boobular euphimisms in article>

dearprudence Fri 13-Mar-09 14:41:07

"Cut out your name and address from the envelopes you receive in the post. They're very handy to stick on competition entries as it saves you writing your address out over and over again!"

Aah, now I understand the type of person who sends these in. Thanks, Julie Barrett from Devon.

georgimama Fri 13-Mar-09 14:43:41

And how on earth did that orange woman discover that potato peeling gets rid of fake tan streaks? It's not something that would immediately spring to hand in the bathroom, is it?

MN is cracking me up today - and it's all DWP's threads.

Have you had a lot of coffee or something Primark?

Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa Fri 13-Mar-09 14:43:41

georgimama

It's the pop-eyed look on the poor dog's face - it's obvious the bloody thing is far too tight. I'd be woried if my arm was as wide as my dog's neck. Perhaps the dog bit her arm off for trying to strangle it with reflective armbands.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 14:44:50

bulging boobs, breasts, bangers, mammoth mammaries, blooming bazookas (weeps some more)

georgimama Fri 13-Mar-09 14:45:29

Grate butter for baking!
Wednesday 11th February 2009

If you need to use butter for cooking or baking, try grating it into the mixture instead of cutting it. You'll avoid that annoying situation of having hard blocks of butter that don't mix easiily!
Jack Davidson, Southport

Or, simply take the butter out of the fridge 30 minutes beforehand.

georgimama Fri 13-Mar-09 14:47:04

This one isn't even a tip! They can't moderate these entries - we could upload anything.

Chocolate mousse delight!
Saturday 7th February 2009

I thought you might like to see a photo of my 17-year-old cat, Jess, after she had enjoyed licking my chocolate mousse pot!
Kathryn Cousens, Southampton

WTF????

I am now sitting at my desk, crying with silent laughter.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 14:48:47

grin georgimama that one was mentioned earlier. wtf indeed?

georgimama Fri 13-Mar-09 14:50:19

Sorry, I'm skim reading and dipping between the Sun, Viz and pick me up - it's too complex for me blush.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 14:50:53

worth repeating! I wonder if they paid her for that one.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 14:52:47

Jilted but I still had my wedding

This is a bit sad, but also just crazy 'later I spotted him sulking at the bar but just ignored him'

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 14:59:11

PMSL.

I lost all my egg cups (how?) when we moved, made DD use a meringue nest as an egg cup. It didn't work.

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 15:02:15

I just clicked on a link that says Good To Know on the PMU website, clicked a random link within that and come up with the problem page:

Sample question: One cold night, I put on old, fleecy pyjamas, bedsocks and earmuffs for bed. My husband got very upset, yelling that I look nothing like the girl he married. He's romantic and kind, so I was shocked. I suppose I've let myself go a bit, but isn't that normal after 10 years together?

No picture of her bedtime ensemble though, so a disappointment. Lol, though.

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 15:04:04

random pictures of blokes

One showing his bum, one with a perm.

How did I get through the years without PMU?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 15:05:21
GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 15:06:17
GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 15:07:48

lol cross posts.

Terry Bishop looks like a Mafioso hit man

Words FAIL me about the other two

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 15:08:55

Snap to our posts! I'd rather not have seen that photo of a man in his seventies naked, ta very much. It looks like he sent it in himself too?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 15:09:44

on page 250 too, why?

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 15:10:03

DANGER ZONE with the hot iron

And oh dear god, you can send in photos of your chap's tattoo and a psychologist will tell you what it says about his personality!

bleh Fri 13-Mar-09 15:10:11

For the wedding one: at least they put his point of view.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 15:10:39

Oh it gets worse, keep going backwards. Oh dear!

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 15:11:38

God knows why we would both randomly pick that page.

We must have known.

Do you get the feeling that PMU is taking over your life?

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 15:12:24

DWP - we are just posting pictures of naked men now grin

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 15:13:47

Can someone explain why there is a whole section called Hubby in the Nuddy???

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 15:14:08

It has certainly brightened the past couple of days for me! I have loads of rubbish jobs I'm trying to ignore.

cyteen Fri 13-Mar-09 15:15:08

Earmuffs to bed? Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 15:15:37
GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 15:17:30

Yes - I just saw that! Lol, I don't think.

Also slightly at the whole 'date my son' section. Hmmn, potential MIL problems there methinks.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 15:19:27
GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 15:19:42

Brightened my week as well. Got made redundant on Tuesday, having to stay in the office until Monday, incredibly depressing atmosphere and I am not doing any work hence my constant MNing.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 15:21:25

Oh bugger! Sorry love. Hope you can find something soon.

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 15:21:49
SoupDragon Fri 13-Mar-09 15:22:43

Would it be very wrong of me to send in a photo of H with a towel clenched between his naked buttocks?

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 15:22:55

No, it's OK have got another (better thank God) job starting in a couple of weeks. Will not be able to piss about on mumsnet there, so am making the most of it now grin

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 15:24:02

SoupDragon - you you really need us to answer that? grin

(Think you should, just don't tell 'im!)

SoupDragon Fri 13-Mar-09 15:26:02

I could use a false name and it is a rear view so no one would recognise him... and he deserves it.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 15:26:59

The question is, why do you own such a photo?

SoupDragon Fri 13-Mar-09 15:30:11

It is from when we were young. Young and rather drunk.

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 15:41:09

I am still none the wiser as to what a power ranger wanted with a middle aged couple.

I am, however faintly amused at this line from the story 'Batteries Not Included' whereby a two year old swallows a battery and has to undergo surgical removal.

'now he's back on his favourite sausage rolls, he has his sparkle back'

ROFL.

Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa Fri 13-Mar-09 15:51:31

On the 'Him Indoors' <shudder> pages, there is a 'tattoo reader'. WTF?

Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa Fri 13-Mar-09 15:57:59

GetOrfMoiLand

Missed your post about the tattoo reader (there I was, thinking I was the first to notice), but I am very tempted by 'date my son' - interests - Badminton, dancing in clubs, horror films.

hubba hubba (as they would probably say in PMU)

KingRolo Fri 13-Mar-09 16:26:10

'My mum, Rita Culley, 61, means the world to me and I just want to let her know how much I love her. After all, how could you not have a space in your heart for a woman who's happy to make a wally of herself with a pair of pig's ears?'

WTF?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 16:28:51

Unlucky Lady

pmsl at that and the pigs ears thing, if only my mum would do that I might love her just a little bit more.

Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa Fri 13-Mar-09 16:32:46

'Unlucky Lady' is a crab-faced ungrateful hag and her son is a cheapskate who can't even be bothered to make an effort for her birthday.

grin

KingRolo Fri 13-Mar-09 16:34:35

'You can probably tell by my face how lucky I was'

KingRolo Fri 13-Mar-09 16:35:45
KingRolo Fri 13-Mar-09 16:37:00

I can't stop laughing grin grin grin

georgimama Fri 13-Mar-09 16:39:04

If you need a psychologist in a woman's magazine to tell you about your husband's personality based on his tattoos, I'd say you have a big problem. Surely you married this person with some insight into his character? Was it a bride lottery?

I hope the chap above the naked ironer found a nice lady friend, he looks perfectly normal, I wonder how on earth he came to put his picture on pickmeup's website. Perhaps he googled and thought it was an internet dating site with a name like that.

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 16:40:00

PMSL.

Christ almighty what possessed back fat lady to get a tramp stamp.

Point and laugh!!!

georgimama Fri 13-Mar-09 16:41:37

Poor back fat lady, I shouldn't sneer at her "good job as a pub manager in Barry with loads of mates", it is wrong of me. But I can't help it.

TheOddOne Fri 13-Mar-09 16:42:08

Getorf - re: your last link. The blow torch guys pubes have slipped............onto the face of the guy below!

georgimama Fri 13-Mar-09 16:42:55

And couldn't she have put on matching underwear? And not a thong?

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 16:43:28

So, to summarise:

Tattoo psychologists

Spooky plant spitits

Naked old boys

Women with cats bum mouths

Breast milk fetishes

Tips on what to do with broken old saucepans.

And more...

Why do I ever bother with Grazia?

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 16:44:47

The odd one - roaring with laughter at your last post grin

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 16:45:12

There's a forum! No tickers though.

Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa Fri 13-Mar-09 16:47:14

'I love my body part
Tuesday 27th February 2007

My large nose is my proudest asset. It's brought me fame and also success with the ladies. After all, you know what they say about men with big noses...

Tony Tobias, 58, Sunbury-on-Thames, Middlesex'

For the love of God

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 16:47:22

Holy Mary Mother of God.

Pick Me Up poem!

Saturday 7th March 2009

A poem for Pick Me Uppers:
The High Street is shrinking with shops going bust
And life's getting harder to earn just a crust
It's time to take note of each Pick Me Up tip
And learn the fine art of oneupmanship.
Make savings on cooking and cleaning galore
Save pennies with some and pounds on yet more
With all those great tips we can all make ends meet
Our Pick Me Up mag makes our lives so complete.
Pat Contrino, Wakefield

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 16:47:59

No, Tony, what do they say about men with big noses?

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 16:48:51

hmm hmm hmm

I had a great time visiting friends, family and my mum, Janet, in South Africa recently. They were all really impressed by Pick Me Up! I left my copy behind and now they're all firm fans. Here I am reading it at the site where Nelson Mandela was arrested.
Heather Chandler, Haddington, East Lothian

pic of the lady with her PMU at the capture site

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 16:49:31

shock

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 16:51:12

I am actually screaming laughing at some of these.

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 13-Mar-09 16:52:24

Please can I get a job at PMU.

Can you imagine being the letter opener for all this loony correspondence.

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 16:54:00
TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 16:55:57

'I'd know that penis anywhere'

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 16:56:54

'Can you imagine if I got a false nail stuck in my willy,' he muttered.

bleh Fri 13-Mar-09 16:59:24

"I'd know that penis anywhere". I have been sat here ROFLing away; getting very strange looks from colleagues

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 16:59:37

I'm marrying a smurf

'My face turned blue,' he said. 'It happened gradually, so by the time I noticed, it was too late.'

KingRolo Fri 13-Mar-09 17:01:12

PMSL 'Tristan strutted onto the stage wearing a Pope's outfit. But as he started to get his kit off, it was me praying.'

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 17:02:52

'Paul sounds great,' I said.
'He is,' Carol said. 'And he's blue.'
I didn't know what she meant, so I just nodded and said goodbye.

bleh Fri 13-Mar-09 17:04:15

I saw him on Oprah once, chatting to Dr Phil. Poor guy

KingRolo Fri 13-Mar-09 17:05:10

'This was no joke. Poor guy.'

She clearly feels so much sympathy for him that she'd sell his story to a magazine calling him a smurf.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 17:07:30

www.pickmeupmagazine.co.uk/real_lives/I_sucked_out_my_girls_eyeball_article_274832.html

Some of them are just so misleading, what is actually a really sad story has the headline 'I sucked out my daughters eyeball'. wtf?

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 17:08:04

Currently deciding between 'killed over a creme egg', 'in love with an orange man' and the psychic hairdresser as favourites.

KingRolo Fri 13-Mar-09 17:14:00

'In love with an orange man' gets my vote.

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 17:23:10
TarkaLiotta Fri 13-Mar-09 17:31:43

Oh bum, thread has moved on from funny tips. Might still share this one though, it was in the local paper when I lived in Stoke and it still makes me cackle now when I think about it. Apparently if you have goldfish, you should cut up a raw carrot and float the pieces in the tank to make it look like you have more goldfish than you actually have grin

Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa Fri 13-Mar-09 17:35:52

grin TarkaLiotta grin

JohnnyTwoHats Fri 13-Mar-09 17:38:09

Wouldn't that just look like you had loads of dead goldfish though? rofl

KingRolo Fri 13-Mar-09 17:41:49

ROFL at fake goldfish!

Don't forget to keep the carrots in a bucket of sand.

KingRolo Fri 13-Mar-09 18:37:26

OK, I'm dragging myself off the PMU website now.

But it's hard when I keep finding gems like this...

Glamorous mirror!

I have always wanted an illuminated mirror, just like the ones in my local salon, but they are so expensive. Instead, I decided to stick a battery powered, push-on light from my local pound store onto my make-up mirror. It works brilliantly!
Emily McDool, Rotherham

So, so glamorous!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 18:58:10

Oh yes, surely the whole point of an illuminated mirror is to feel like a film star?

cyteen Fri 13-Mar-09 19:47:14

There's still no emoticon for what I'm feeling re. My back fat had a mind of its own. The writing is surely some form of subtle genius:

"[My dad] lived half-an-hour away in Blackwood, but since my mum, Meryl, 41, had died of cancer back in 1994, we'd become really close. Which meant he got to hear me constantly moaning about my back."

!!!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 20:39:56

All of the writing is subtle genus, it must be semi ironic and knowing, surely?.

chequersmate Fri 13-Mar-09 20:42:24

I fear the thread has moved on but felt that I must disclose that I once had a top tip printed in Take A Break. Not only that, there was an accompanying photo of me demonstrating the tip as that provided more cash blush

Actually though, I did make £50 out of it and I'd do it again if I could think of another one.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 20:45:02

chequersmate that's amazing! spill the details!

chequersmate Fri 13-Mar-09 20:48:34

Well, it was basically to put pegs in a bumbag to make hanging out the washing easier.

I was chuffed with the £50, I wasn't earning much at the time.

I was less chuffed when everyone at work saw it.

blush

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 20:54:35

Bumbag! Fabulous, was it a vintage 80's shell suit material one?

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 20:55:26

i do wonder when these people spill intimate details of their lives, especially in small twond. Does it not affect them?

chequersmate Fri 13-Mar-09 20:56:50

Actually, it was either leatherette or faux leather - it was a gift from my Mother from a Greek Island.

I spent many hours wondering what the fark to do with it, and that was what I came up with grin

theDreadPiratePerArdua Fri 13-Mar-09 21:13:53

Fundraising thought - someone send in a picture of hubby in the nuddy with a child's trike parked in their crack and I will donate at least £10 to rhubarb

Quattrocento Fri 13-Mar-09 21:16:35

Thanks for this thread

One gem from one of those links

If you have material blinds or curtains by your sink, pop them in a plastic bag while you're washing up, to prevent them getting splashed and stained.
Rosemary Oliver, Evesham, Worcestershire

chequersmate Fri 13-Mar-09 21:19:37

Oh, oh, in all seriousness, I am not making this up.

I once saw one printed suggesting you use old, previously used disposable razors for peeling carrots. I shit you not!

oh to me the funniest ever are the " may contains nuts" when you buy anything nutty...i.e. NUTS/NuTS OIL etc...I mean, erm, I woulod be mightily disappointed if there wasn't a nut in sight in my chocolate coated brazilnuts...lol

ThePlanningCommittee Fri 13-Mar-09 21:33:47

LOL LOL LOL this thread is ace grin Nothing has made me laugh so much all week.

I too am a secret fan of Take A Break / Pick Me Up etc (I always feel like I'm buying porn though and dread getting caught red-handed if I'm in the corner shop).

Going back to GetOrfMoiLand's original comment ("Look, you can make this useless crap by painting another random pile of crap!"), this week's TAB features the following tip:

"I had a small shelf in my dining room but could find nothing pretty to place on it. I covered an empty bottle in playdough, created a pattern using a hairpin, then buffed it up with shoe polish. With dried flowers in, it adds an artistic touch to the room."

hmm Yep, that sounds really attractive.

applepudding Fri 13-Mar-09 22:10:25

This is one I read once

To save time and money always go to the toilet during work time so that you can use works time and save on your loo roll....

TheDevilWearsPrimark Fri 13-Mar-09 23:45:04

grin

DSM Sat 14-Mar-09 00:16:21

OMG

The girl with the penpal and the cider.. she was 18 in the 80's.. and still living a