Mumsnet Talk

I mean it is an erect penis. It is in proportion and quite detailed. He didn't intend it for a cock as far as I know - he was just messing about with clay, but the finished model is quite unmistakeably in the shape of a man's genitalia. It has a bell end and everything.

Normally when ds has made a model we varnish it and put it on the windowsill. He is very proud of this model. Wtf am I going to do? I have the health visitor coming round this week and it is not really going to impress her is it.

I'd keep it in your bedside drawer if I were you. You never know when something like that is going to come in handy.

Soory but pmsl
Can he have it 'as a treat' in his room when people come over?!

Lol LOL Lol LOL LOL LOL

Sorry ni advice but thanks for making me laugh

rofl

'as a treat in his room'
OMG that would go down well wouldn't it
"come and see what mummy lets me have as a treat in my room"

Do you have a desk?

Rather than leave it on the windowsill tell DS it would look lovely on your desk as a paperweight. Out of sight of the HV and yet functional too.

Oh god, yes!
Maybe not then!!

Use no more nails and stick it to the kitchen wall as a tea towel hanger!

lololol

picture please

this is what happens when you venture into crafts

shall I "drop" it?

[desperation]

it's too uncanny. It's just sitting looking at me. With its one eye.

a bangle tree?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGH

keep hair bands on it?

donate it to MNHQ as a special competition prize

i read the thread title as clock by this is much more amusing!

Just smile serenly to the HV if she comments and say ''in our religion we venerate the penis...''

Surely a lovely present for an unsuspecting grandmother ?

lolol pp, yy.

YY, you could give it to your mother..

Can you paint it as a disguise? Stripes or something equally fetching.

As a matter of interest, what did he intend it to be?

i read it as "clock" too!!!

I would love to win it as a prize

oh Franzo, I heart your son!

yes I feel like someone off the Wicker Man
the health visitor is going to LOVE us

oh hello PIP
was that YOU then? I liked your thread

I thought it said 'clock'



Is anyones birthday coming up??

You know how much I love pink, surely

in fact, I had forgotton to change back - must get out of this name, it is giving me hives...

photo please

photo of cock not hives

You could always use it as a loo-roll holder?

PHOTO PHOTO PHOTO

ok photo on the way

ta daaaah

I am slightly of it actually
it is better than what I could have done

It loks like an Ann Summers prototype... future work experience perhaps ?

....................................
..................................
.......................... ..................
<can't speak, spurting tea over lap top>

looks

oh
my
god

that's got to be worth a fortune on some websites

(although, as a still life, it is very realistic!)

Wow, that is one fine wanger.

Whatever wou;d Freud have said?

I agree, Xmas present for Granny. Or donate it to the school white elephant stall at the next Fayre.

That is bloody marvellous.

Oh my god thats the funniest thing I've seen for ages. You have got to keep it. Its priceless.

You know, I made a vase once, on a pottery course. Took 2 weeks making it, then the third week we were going to glaze it, and all of a sudden I looked at it from a distance, and I recognised the shape I'd made.

Unmistakenly fallic.

I shouted out: "oh no, look what I've made! A fallus!" and dived under the table roaring with laughter.

Somebody said: "We were wondering if you knew what you were doing..."

They had all been giggling behind my back for 2 weeks...

Kitchen roll holder?

sodding hell
that is great

but what was he trying to make?? lol

Too funny

And astonishingly acurate

How old is your very gifted ds?

I say seli it on ebay

It's brilliant!

What does he say it's supposed to be?

ROFL at photo!

Your son has done it so much better than my vase!

hahahahah!

how old is he?

Can you paint it?

Maybe with hair and a face it would look less penisy!

I didn't dare ask him what it was meant to be. I just kept gazing at it in horror and blurting "LOVELY darling, you are SO clever".

I am glad we are agreed it is a fine rendition of, erm, it.

Fantastic .. most females - even males - couldn't do such a good job. Don't drop it/lose it or give it away .. it shows true imagination and he will LAUGH about it in years to come ... it's priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have to keep it for no other reason than to embarrass him on his wedding day

He is 5. He is clearly going to be the Chapman brother of his generation but I hadn't expected such talent to manifest itself so early.

ROFLMAO...my school used to varnish and display our artwork in reception...just a thought...

can't type - lauighing!

My! Is it based on anyone, erm, actual?

yes you will all be laughing when I am DRAGGED AWAY BY SOCIAL SERVICES for making my son make clay models of cocks

Genius <rofpmslmao>

That is a priceless work of art you are all laughing at!

I think it's genius. The HV probably won't bat an eyelid!!

rofl

Put it somewhere safe until September when he can proudly take it in for Show and Tell

love the way it seems to be sitting on a turd too

genius

rofl wellies

no come on now
shall I destroy the evidence
it is going to haunt me otherwise
do you fancy waking up to that every morning, sitting making polite conversation over your cornflakes with it leering at you?

Maybe you could put "it" in a cupboard, as you wouldn't want such a fabulous work of art to be damaged?

yes that was the Gilbert and George influence WelliesandP
he is quite at home with the modern art world you see

Brilliant? Best laugh I have had all day.

Put it away at the back of the wardrobe and give it to him at his 18th Birthday party.

fan-cockin'-tastic

<<imagines Franzo being haunted by a clay dick>>

<<falls off chair>>

"fan-cockin'-tastic" ROFL

keep it, in a box, in the loft or somewhere, just to make it easier, but do keep it

bring it out for dinner parties... a nice centrepiece to break the ice... decorate it with a few carnations

I think it's Rodinesque. Instead of the Thinker it's the Plonker.

wonderful just brilliant. I love your ds F&Z.

You could maybe mount it at an angle in the bathroom and use it as a loo paper holder?

Please don't destroy it. It's waaaay to good.

Fabulous. Franny, your son is a genius. This has to be kept and brought out to show his first partner in about 10 years

well i reckon you would not be waxing quite so lyrical about it if it was in your front room

what if he makes other things? what next?

anyone remember that work of art one of the sons made in East is East?

model of a copulating couple?

Ah Jeez, F&Z, just the title of this thread made me cry with laughter. Now I'm going to have fun reading the thread... Back soon.

Oh Franny that is priceless
lololol

Ahaaahaahahahahahha, F&Z - he's 5?

He's a farking genius is what he is.

you know what you really need to do with it, don't you?

Set it up as a water feature...

<spurting>

OMG I am so glad that someone else has a phallocentric child. DD also has a knack for producing 'challenging works'. See profile for 'The Snail' and 'The Man With a Hat'.

in pain now after wilfsell's idea

omg @ "snail"
they could collaborate

Ah, the rubber fanny in East is East. One of my all-time favourite wetting-pants films.

ohforfuckingfucksakes! that is HILARIOUS!

It's very good, Franny. You need to keep that. But perhaps hide it from HV tomorrow. We don't want you to be carted away. I suppose you could always say DP made it, if that is any better?

I have never actually CRIED with laughter at a Mumsnet thread before,(though was close on the "Cube of poo" and childbirth thread where the woman pinned the doc to the wall with her fanjo after unfortunate epidural experience) but this thread has seen me ROFLMAO and I have tears rolling down cheeks at the sight of your ds's masterpiece......Absolutely priceless.It has to be in MN classics and the thread title itself makes quote of the week

oh that is genius.
pmsl.

Can't wait to see his vulva...

I like the red teddy-bear-shape cutter in the background

"We won't need THAT today mummy!"

That is just incredible!!

You could keep it by the front door and use it to brain burglars.

I can just see the headline - "ROBBER KNOB-LED BY CLAY COCK! Mother says 'I had no idea my son's craft would have such impact'."

OH yes, where are MNHQ to label you a classic?

Anyhow, let's face it: if you haven't fired it yet, it's gonna go limp shortly <rofl>. He'll be very disappointed when he wakes up with a lazy lob.

Then you may have to help him out with a little hand action to make it, er, proud again.

<realises how very wrong that sounds in discussion of one's son... crying and weeping with shuddering shoulders laughter while simultaneously ringing social services for self>

I've only read a few posts so far but ROFL at "looking at me with one eye" and "come and see what mummy lets me have as a treat"

<wipes tears>

I'm crying with laughter too - that is brilliant. Am liking the snail, too.

What a Magnificent Penis!

What a fantastic 18th birthday present it will make.

Great minds, Califrau - I was thinking it'd be a wonderful wedding present

Make sure you take some good pics of him proudly showing his creation - will make a great T shirt print at his 18th

<Squirdle runs around the house frantically hiding the playdough and plasticine>

F&Z your son is really talented!! Has your DH seen it?

I think you should paint it blue and put it in your window as a tribute to your neighbours - it is them with the blue tree IIRC isn't it

those aren't testicles though, are they?
more like a big curly turd

Oh, my word!

<takes off MIL hat>

ROFL at this thread and the pic. OMG the boy is truly a genius!

I just had to have another look. It's soooooo funny

LOL at 'can't wait to see his vulva' and 'set it up as a water feature'

Hilarious thread and what a fine clay cock it is!
You must keep it, def one for embarassing him when he's older...

PLEASE can we have a link to the thread about the woman who pinned the doctor to the wall with her fanjo, I would search but can't even begin to imagine what the thread title was - was it in AIBU????

Bravo to Master F&Z A masterpiece !

DH is seriously worried about me, I haven't been able to speak for about 15 minutes.

Definately keep it for wedding/first girlfriend and then just leave it casually in teh middle of the table.

dp you have other dc who could "break it " by accident. or you could accidently whack it while polishing. coz you so proud you didn't want it to get dusty.

or get him to make matching boobs

can't find teh original thread but the savaged minmin story is here in full. <guffaw>

OMG Franny that has made me laugh

franny you have GOT to ask him what it is.

maybe its a kind of 'birth gift'

a la lucien freud.....

You need to put it in for that Art prize... is it the Turner Prize?? He might win!!

bumping just because this deserves to be up on top of the list for, oh, a week or so.

Oh, yes, 18th birthday present. And wrapped in this thread, carefully printed out on fancy paper. Just so he can see how many people admired his work...
BTW Franny, had not congratulated you on ds2 - v.remiss of me! Congratulations!

I haven't laughed so much in ages - you have to keep it safe somewhere (discreet)

Before you put it away to give it to him on his 18th birthday, get him to put his name on it! All artists sign their work after all!

ive just wet myself laughing at the picture.

brilliant

That is so so funny. DH just wondered why I nearly fell off the sofa

I thought the OP said "Help ds1 make a large clay cock" and was about to roll up with some top tips but he's clearly got it nailed

You have to keep it to bring out on his wedding day.

it's beautiful....

your son is a genius

its excellent Well Done DS

I would put it on display and see if HV has the balls to mention it.

lol!

i have to know what ds says it is... come on francoise, done be coy, you have to ask him.

I asked for direction to the most amusing thread on mumsnet tonight.

Many thanks to IdrisTheDragon.

And of course FrannyandZooey DS. Fantastic

ooohhhh my stomach huuurrrtttssss. was on the mobile to DH and all he got was me wheezing down the line for 5mins before i told him i'd call him back. not fit to do so have txted him. he is now on his way home to have a gander......

I was once helping at a pre-school and we we doing playdough and one child was making something that looked very similar to F&Z masterpiece. I innocently said "oh thats a nice snake" the DC looked at me and said in a very loud voice "Its not a snake its a big cock" I didnt know where to look. Oddly enough I was never asked to help there again

MrsWeasly

This thread is making me wish I had been a bit more diligent about doing my pelvic floor exercises.

I vote save it for his wedding present.

Mrs weasly - thats like something from little Britain!
F&Z best thread I've read in a loooong time
More worried about the clay turd he's mounted his masterpiece upon though...

I, too, read this as 'clock' and couldn't see why it was getting so many replies!

Your DS is lovely Frances. If it helps, he probably doesn't think it's a cock. I know my boys actually saw some Chapman stuff, a few years back (DS1 was probably your DS's age) and didn't recognise the penises (penii?) in it as penises, presumably because they were circumcised, erect, or both.

So it is clearly an accident, or some sort of Jungian thing.

Maybe Daddy needs to have it on his desk at work? [helpful]

I enjoyed this so much last night that I'm bumping it for the daytime crowd to have a laugh.

Reminds me of a little diddle us kids used to sing:

A Lady near Hay
made herself a cock in clay
she poured over codliver oil
and soon she had a bun in the oven.

---

Well done on your ds's inspired masterpiece!

It's a work of art!! Please DO NOT destroy it. Bring it out at his future wife's hen party instead.

Agree you have to ask him w hat it is

ok he says "it is just shapes mummy" and on being further pressed "it is just a MODEL"

he is a bit about our interest in the cock tbh, especially as he made a really nice one of boats at the same timr

and is it still, um, standing?

PMSL! It looks like it's sitting on a turd!

I just opened that pic and DD said

oh its a xmas hat

greta thtread farnny

and great cock too

Holy crap that really is a cock'o'clay! Going back to DorrisMcWhirter's comment - you could have it 'as a treat' in your room

thank you for your concern for its well being
it is air drying clay so it just keeps on getting harder
not many cocks you can say that about

at ever hardening cock

am at work and looking ill from trying not to laugh.

well we got through the day without any papier mache vulvas appearing

I have artfully draped a tea towel over the cock so it isn't visible from the street

Have you given 'it' a name though Franny?
It is worthy of one

'I have artfully draped a tea towel over the cock so it isn't visible from the street'

Yes. The DH says this to me all the time, reclining on the sofa.

put it artfully next to the blue tree

lol at MrSell.

oh yes, you very much must paint it blue and whack some fairy lights on come christmas.

Yeah just picture "The christmas cock"

on the twelfth day of christmas my true love gave to meeeeee... <trills>

No, no, no. You all must have missed my earlier post. She's going to make it into a special water feature. And she's going to put a tiny touch of cornflour in the water, just for, er, verisimilitude.

Brandy sauce would be more realistic

Perhaps in your house.

don't know if anyone has already suggested it, but how about putting it in the garden, it would make a lovely sundial.

aaaand it would be a quite legitimate large clay clock...

Wow, what a fine, upstanding <ahem> model

DP reckons you should try and sneak it into the background of as many family photographs as humanly possible for ever more - a lasting record of his contribution to the art world!

rofl

lol mr lionstar, oh yes.

ACtually did I ever tell you about one of those converstations from my childhood? When my sister aged about 11 asked what sperm looked like? This was following a 'birds and bees' And my dad answered:

'Kind of like parsley sauce'





<long pause>







'Without the parsley though...'

you could put a cocktail umbrella on it as it's summer

OMG that is the funniest thing ever! How old is DS?

<off back to typing school for a short while. back later when less senile tired...>

And how did you react when he (proudly? - scuse the pun...) showed you?

LOL; please ask him what he believes he has made; what was it supposed to be? I'd love to know!

I'll give oyu a fiver for it. My MIL needs a door stop.

Fabulous, fabulous. Your ds is a thing of wonder, F&Z. As is his ever-hardening cocknturd creation.

How very, erm, phallic < titters >

Maybe the leaning tower in Pisa?

Had a similar experience at playschool when the children where given wax squares which siftebed in your hands and then had to shape them into candles... Some lovely results, quite similar in effect to your ds's model. Found myself explaining to the parents when they were given said candles to take home, though can't remember what I babbled on about...

Maybe your ds will make something equally as magnificant with this product too.

http://www.yellowmoon.org.uk/product-Handmade-Candle-Kit-M775.htm

Wish someone had given me the instructions and example pictures when they left me in charge of that activity, though I don't think it wuold have made any difference. The children were determined in what shape candles should be!

Oh have just seen this and am totally PMSL - that is fantastic Franny! A work of genius. You MUST MUST MUST have it out when the HV comes!

I have read this thread title as "clock" too and finally thought to actuall read it, well I had to clean the laptop screen as it ended up with my warm milk all over it.

Keep it - it is fantastic and will always amke you smile

That is sooooooo funny.

Thankyou for the laugh.

Oh my god, it would have to put a smile on your face every time you looked at it.

Definatly give it to him when he is older, in front of all his friends and even family.
I like the idea of printing out this thread and using it as wrapping.

That has "wedding speech" written all over it.

I've had a crap afternoon and that really helped to relieve the pressure.

My God.

This needs to be in Classics!

It needs to be in Ann Summers.

PMSL this is in Arts and Crafts. Surely it should be in Conception, as some sort of visual aid?

Yes, send it to Classics.

Franny, does it have a name? All artwork has a name.

OMG I am LMAO here. I'm going to be late for work, and I'm going to giggle in meetings and people will ask why, and I'll look like a nutter
I had thought this would be the best spelling error in a thread title, you know, about 20 posts later saying "noooo, meant clock!" but this is sooooo much funnier.

tragedy

a bit has broken off as it dried out
it is no longer the proud figure it once was

circumcision, Franny?

well thanks for the link - but I opened it and am sat in the childrens section of the public library!!! due to having no internet at home for the last week.

Ah well, at least he'll be able to marry a nice Jewish girl now. She may well be an artist.

Franny - can you do surgery - one of those e-mails about improving your penis comes to mind.

lol lapin

I was thinking, Bobbit.

I suppose it is now half cocked.

You need this, Franny

Cant believe I missed this earlier in the week.

How brilliant?

it's all right his attention has been diverted elsewhere by his plans to do things with milk bottles and elastic bands
I don't think these will be as overtly phallic

On the other hand perhaps his artistry has moved north, and he is planning on constructing a working model of a set of norks.

<How are you, are you and ds2 well? No hiccoughs since leaving hosp? Is ds1 ok, apart from clay dickwork?>

I am a bit wobbly today (like the cock)
boys are well
ds2 fat as butter

Glad boys well, especially nicely fat ds2. You must lie down on sofa to minimise wobbling. You don't want a bit of you to break off.

GOOD LORD LAPIN!!! where do you FIND these things??? LOLOLOL

Haven't read this thread but my mum could have done the same op as FandZ 20+ years ago about my clay lighthouse made at school. The art teacher showed it to mum and neither of them could keep an entirely straight face - I didn't have a clue!

It was a lighthouse with a bulgy uneven shaped tower and a bell end shaped top (painted pink and purple) with two round 'rock' shapes at the bottom. Completely innocently done - I swear - mum thought it was hilarious and the teacher had let me varnish it and every thing - I still have it somewhere. These things happen

Lapin access denied to that site at work. What could it be ?

Goodness me! How did I miss this?????

oh my god, i have just seen this via a link on mumsnet news!!!

My 4 year old is even asking me why i am crying pmsl!

How funny....so...what did you do with it in the end?

I would let him paint it then varnish it. Then you can put it away safely, to bring out when he brings his first girlfriend home!!

oh god this thread is back from the grave

ROFL i am not even sure where it is now - i do remember my boss came round and i tried to hide it with a cardboard box which was the closest thing to hand - however it was actually a cardboard ARCH and revealed the cock in all its glory from two sides

i spent his entire visit moving the arch around depending on where he was standing
obviously i could not have drawn more attention to it had i tried
still blushing now just thinking about it

I missed this first time round Franny so glad it's been revived!

The photo is amazing.

How, HOW did I miss this thread of genius first time round?

Best. Thread. Ever. Please someone move it to Classics at once!

OMG! Just found the photo! LOL! Fabulous Definitely Gifted.

classic one!!

I hadn't realised there was a PHOTO - now my ds's (and their friend) want to know what I'm laughing at.

Frannyandzooey - you really shouldn't post pics like that on a site where people have pelvic floors like mine - with all the strength and elasticity of a wet paper bag!

This is far, far better than writing christmas cards or cooking tea for us all.

This is one of the funniest things I've read on mn.

Am picturing the scene in yours DS's first GF house tho... "What did you do today dear?" "BF's mum showed me a big clay cock"

This is the funniest thing ever. Please tell us you have kept it somewhere safe?

I only clicked on Arts & Crafts to get some advice on crackle glazing curtain poles . . . .

Bump

God was this thread only just over a year ago it feels like it was years ago!

oh lol

I missed this last year. What a wonderful thread. F&Z, please come back and tell us what you did with the magnificent erm.. model.

I missed this too. awesome. is Fand Z still here? where is the, erm, masterpiece?

Sorry but so very funny. Use it as a game throw hoops over it. Or a lovely garden ornament!

i came on hear felling pretty missrable i am piddiling myself with lauphter know so glad i came to find sum arts and crafts to do.. what a hoot,

i wonder what she did do with it?

Is this thread not in Classics yet?

You can bring it in to my art cafe. He sounds like a budding sulpturer. I'm sure we could sell it for him.
We have an art exhibition soon. You could put all his models on display. He could even make more (not of the penis variety). All your threads gave me a real laugh

You must look at this, it is fantastic not laughed so much in ages.
PLease, please post and let us know what you did with the masterpiece.

Haven't seen this before - fantastic, made my day
pmsl

Oh I remember this,is it in mn classics?If not it should be

Haven't seen F+Z posting for ages sadly,as she was/is very funny

oh I am so happy, this thread is an old friend and The pic is still there....!

Franzo, I know you lurky sometimes - big love to you and your little dudes x

PMSL this thread is ace.

omg
I have had the most horrible day for a long time and have just found this thread

i have tears rolling down my face
classic thread

Hahhahaha AGAIN!

This thread is fab! Having a bit of a sad day and this has cheered me right up!

OMG have just been directed to this, i am at work feeling v poorly and sorry for myself and now my colleagues are looking at me all odd as i am crying laughing (discreetly obv). How the hell did i get away with looking at a pic of a clay cock at work!

great thread!

Funnily enough, I was thinking of this thread as I admired the display of clay beanstalks DD and her reception classmates had made. Another mother and I exchanged looks and sniggered.

Some look like kinky vibrators with nobbly bits on the sides but there is one which is erect, bare and proud.

I read "Clock" too - sorry no advice, but thanks for the laugh

How did I miss this first time around?! hilarious

One wonders what he is making now 3 years on with an 8 year olds imagination compared to a 5yo. The mind boggles!

I shall set about my house work with tears of laughter on my cheeks.

I think you should encourage his natural talent. One day you may well be invited to the opening of his first sculpture exhibition and it will be an amazing sight!

<wheezes with laughter in attractive Muttley fashion>

brilliant thread. Just genius.

i too was wondering about the little 8yo boy now - it is getting close to humiliation time!

Ah that picture made me

Funniest thing I've seen in a while.

I thought this sounded familiar

This thread is sooo weird. My DS1's clay, varnished 'moneybox' picture is on my profile page, please look.

One of the best threads ever. Is (are?)Franny and Zooey still on mumsnet? I always used to rush to read their posts and was never disappointed.

Hilarious! bless him!

EllenJane...love the 'moneybox' !!!

ROOOOOOFFFFFFLLLLLLLE at emmajane's ds's large clay cock.

great photo, how old is your ds?