Great works of literature ruined by a single sentence

(381 Posts)
Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 15:59:04

Idea stolen from the Time ed website

'Hey Godot, you're early!'

Innkeeper to Joseph and Mary - "yes, there are plenty of rooms, come in!"

tortoiseSHELL Sun 16-Sep-07 16:00:39

"Darcy, will you not dance?"
"Yes, I will ask Elizabeth Bennett"

(at the first ball in the book)

Sheherazadethegoat Sun 16-Sep-07 16:00:48

jane eyre - 'she's in the attic' shouted out panto style

tortoiseSHELL Sun 16-Sep-07 16:01:37

"You're a wizard Harry. Have you never done anything you didn't intend to, have strange things happen?"

"No."

Sheherazadethegoat Sun 16-Sep-07 16:01:48

anna karina - 'you know i don't think i will shag you, i am married'

tortoiseSHELL Sun 16-Sep-07 16:05:03

On a similar vein - in the anthem 'This is the Record of John'

"Art thou Elias?"

"ANd he answered Yes."

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:07:20

1984

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.
Winston Smith, his chin nuzzled into his breast thought he might pop out an buy a pet rat.

Pruners Sun 16-Sep-07 16:07:55

Message withdrawn

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:08:59

'Excuse me Golum, but I think I've found your ring'

Pruners Sun 16-Sep-07 16:12:46

Message withdrawn

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:18:55

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he got out of bed and made himself a sting cup of coffee 'Wierd dream, he thought.

WideWebWitch Sun 16-Sep-07 16:19:48

Last night I dreamed I went to Manderley.
where there was no housekeeper or any kind of help at all.

Snort at Manderley...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, Northern Rock were running out of money...grin

Now I really must go and jar up my homemade mince meat. <<preen>>>

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:24:51

Gone with the Wind
'Sod Tara, I never liked the place anyway'

Pruners Sun 16-Sep-07 16:27:21

Message withdrawn

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:29:19

not literature, I know but

Bridget Jones Diary

'I've decided that fat is a feminist issue'

NKF Sun 16-Sep-07 16:31:19

"Not to worry. Plenty more fish in the sea" Othello.

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:36:41

'M Proust, I am very sorry, but all the small cakes have been sold'

EffiePerine Sun 16-Sep-07 16:39:51

It's a bloody GIRL

Shakespeare passim

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:40:11

LOL effie!

Twiglett Sun 16-Sep-07 16:42:17

the bible "bring me the head"

all together now

"oooooo nice plates"

Twiglett Sun 16-Sep-07 16:45:01

"It was the best of times. No it really was. Everything was just peachy. The End"

jaynehater Sun 16-Sep-07 16:47:30

"And the wonderful thing about tiggers is...


that we don't really care"




<my interpretation of 'literature' has been genetically modified>

EffiePerine Sun 16-Sep-07 16:48:46

Emma looked at the foibles of her neighbours and decided to keep her gob shut

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:49:12

Mrs Beeton

'First catch your hare'

No, I think I'd rater have a pizza.

NKF Sun 16-Sep-07 16:50:36

Hamlet.
"I'm really happy for them. And it's time for me to leave home and get a job."

Or

Genesis
"No thanks. I don't like apples."

claricebeansmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:51:42

Brief Encounter

"Yes do lets forget everyone else and run away together". They elope.

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:52:01

Treasure Island

'No thank you Mr Pew, my mother says I'm not to take things from strange me'

Dior Sun 16-Sep-07 16:52:16

Message withdrawn

Twiglett Sun 16-Sep-07 16:53:13

<can't think of any books .. and I mean any books .. its like I've never read a book in my life .. arrrrrrgghhhhhhhh>

Twiglett Sun 16-Sep-07 16:53:46

May I extend to pop culture and crappy kids' programmes

Peppa Pig
"who fancies a bacon sarnie?"

Madame Bovary
Emma : No thanks, I'm very happily married

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:54:12

Little Woman

'No, Ma, we are not going to give up our christmas things to the poor family, fuck 'em'

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:55:07

Anne of Green Gables

'So they sent us a girl,so I got Matthiew to take her right back'

claricebeansmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:55:12

Demetrius to Helena (Act II, Scene III) in a wood outside Athens...

"Actually I rather quite like you. Shall we join Hermia and Lysander and elope?"

claricebeansmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:55:53

Midsummer Nights Dream...sorry!

EffiePerine Sun 16-Sep-07 16:55:59

Book of Esther: I'm not listening to Haman, he's obv a complete tosser

North and South
Margaret Thornton, ooh John , you northern manner and foreboding looks are a big turn on in comparison to the Southern fops I've met before

Macbeth
Well I do fancy being King ... but it's all just a bit too much effort. Think Mrs M and I'll just have a quiet night in.

Twiglett Sun 16-Sep-07 16:56:35

Pollyanna

"oh just fuck off you miserable old fecker"

jaynehater Sun 16-Sep-07 16:56:36

Swallows & Amazons:



"Better drowned than duffers, if not duffers won't drown"


Darlings, Daddy's thrown a wobbler, stay with Nanny while Mummy calls Social Services.

And bugger the Lake District, next year we'll go to Mauritius.

NKF Sun 16-Sep-07 16:56:50

Lear: "I'm not giving you a thing."

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:58:03

Catch 22

'Guess what, they are sending me home early!'

claricebeansmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:58:25

Importance of Being Ernest

"A handbag!
Well don't worry lad - don't let that stand in the way of you getting married"

Twiglett Sun 16-Sep-07 16:59:03

To Kill a Mockingbird

"Oh no, that looks a bit of a tricky case,I don't think I will thanks all the same"

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 16:59:31

Romeo and Juliet

'Yes, marry her, its time we put all this fighting behind us!'

EffiePerine Sun 16-Sep-07 16:59:31

The Secret Garden: Mary gets a Playstation

Sheherazadethegoat Sun 16-Sep-07 16:59:42

lol @ pollyanna

Dior Sun 16-Sep-07 17:00:31

Message withdrawn

Sheherazadethegoat Sun 16-Sep-07 17:01:29

you know its time i just got over myself, i love you mom - and in future i will just wank with the door shut.

'we need to talk about kevin'

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:02:44

'The 10.55 Orient Express due to depart from platform 5 has been cancelled due to problems with the engine. Passengers will be sent forward by taxi cab'

claricebeansmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:02:56

V good Sheherazade - was just mulling over that one myself!

Twiglett Sun 16-Sep-07 17:03:19

Life of Pi

And then this great big fishing tanker pulled up alongside and they shouted "Hey you lot, need a hand, s'ok you can bring the Lion"

claricebeansmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:04:57

Room With a View

"Well what fine rooms with a view - oh and look - there is room service"

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:09:49

Lion the witch and the wardorobe

'I found an old wardrobe, but it was locked, so I hid behind the curtains instead'

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:11:38

Do you know something Sam? I like green eggs and ham a lot!

claricebeansmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:12:47

"If I am going to be on my feet all night I think I will wear these really comfortable laces ups - nobody will see them under my dress"

Cinderella

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:14:10

'i'm so glad we had that chat, Snowhite, I feel so much more comfortable in my role as a step mother now'

claricebeansmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:15:05

This woman was going to give me some beans for the cow but because of the Foot & Mouth restrictions she said she wasn't interested"

Jack & Beanstalk

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 17:22:40

''I can't be arsed to go on a quest, actually Gandalf. It's a bit chilly and I've just made a nice cupopa''


The Hobbit /and or Lord Of The Rings

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 17:23:39

''I was teasing - I am still a virgin''

Tess of the D'ubervilles

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:24:53

'that Helen of Troy is a bit of a dog!'

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 17:27:52

''That gruel is surprising filling actually''

OLiver Twist

ElenyaTuesday Sun 16-Sep-07 17:28:08

Mr Micawber - "Nope, nothing is going to turn up - I'm going to get myself a proper job."

Mrs Jellyby: "I think I will stay at home and take care of my children today."

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:29:15

The rhyme of the Ancient mariner

'Look, I'd like to stop and chat, but I'm late for a wedding'

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 17:29:34

''No, you cannot go camping by yourselves. Go and tidy your bloody bedrooms''

Five go....etc etc

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 17:31:12

Toad: ''Gribbit''
Ratty: ''eeek squeak''
Moley: <<eats a worm>>
Badger: <<hides in sett>>


Wind in the Willows

Pan Sun 16-Sep-07 17:32:25

Guinevere....

"Sorry, as dashing as you are, I'm a married woman."

Notquitegrownup Sun 16-Sep-07 17:32:56

lol LOL lol

MB you are ON FIRE!!

<<really really wishing I could think of something to add to the list, but can't locate any brain cells on a Sunday afternoon>>

Lilymaid Sun 16-Sep-07 17:33:33

Emma - "I always knew I loved Mr Knightley"

Pan Sun 16-Sep-07 17:33:59

"But his half-sister goes like a train, so he tells me.."

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:35:09

Lord of the Flies

'Sorry lads, but the flight has been cancelled'

Lilymaid Sun 16-Sep-07 17:35:14

Tom Brown's School Days - "As our family disapproved of private education, I went to the local comprehensive."

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:36:15

jane Eyre

TB is very contagous, she should never have slept in the same bed as a consumptive

Pruners Sun 16-Sep-07 17:36:55

Message withdrawn

tortoiseSHELL Sun 16-Sep-07 17:37:23

"It's a boy"
Little Women.

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 17:37:36

Midwide to Mrs bennett ''Congratulations - Another fine son for you''

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 17:37:54

midwife

tortoiseSHELL Sun 16-Sep-07 17:37:58

xpost!!! lol

tortoiseSHELL Sun 16-Sep-07 17:38:57

"Alright, I won't go on the swing till tomorrow"

What Katy did

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 17:39:23

''Your ladyship, I'm very flattered but I don't find you attractive''

Lady Chatterley's Lover

Lilymaid Sun 16-Sep-07 17:40:03

Ian McEwan - Saturday - "Henry had a cold so decided to stay at home all day"

tortoiseSHELL Sun 16-Sep-07 17:40:50

"...but I don't like trains"
The Railway Children

TinyGang Sun 16-Sep-07 17:41:16

The Great Gatsby

Jay 'Wanna come to a party?'

Daisy 'Nah, I'm washing my hair.'

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 17:41:48

''Great news Pierre - your dad has made a full recovery''

War and Peace

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:42:21

The whole Little house series

'Do you know, Pa, I think this whole western expansionist thing is utterly unfair to the Native Americans who already live in those lands'

Pan Sun 16-Sep-07 17:42:29

King Lear

"ok, you all get the same."

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:43:05

The name of the Rose

'Don't lick your fingers, its unhygenic!'

moonshine Sun 16-Sep-07 17:43:37

"Reader, I dumped him" - Jane Eyre

Pan Sun 16-Sep-07 17:45:35

"Pooh stroked his rotund figure and thought to himself ' I need to watch my weight'."

tortoiseSHELL Sun 16-Sep-07 17:45:59

"We really do need a boy, sorry"

Anne of Green Gables

tortoiseSHELL Sun 16-Sep-07 17:46:36

"Have a nice holiday over Christmas, and here's a CHristmas bonus"
A Christmas Carol

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:46:44

'OK, OK I'll sign!'

Man for all Seasons

Threadworm Sun 16-Sep-07 17:47:11

"Better just test it on the lab mice first."

Jekyll and Hyde

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 17:47:49

''Hello, I'm from social services. About this dog you have looking after the children...''

Peter Pan

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:47:56

'oooo I fancy peach cobbler for tea'

James and the Giant Peach

Threadworm Sun 16-Sep-07 17:48:31

"Just pretend we haven't noticed. They can sort their own bloody balloon."

Enduring Love

Pan Sun 16-Sep-07 17:51:29

A Kesteral for a Knave

"What 'ur Jud? I'd make money from a racing pigeon?"

TinyGang Sun 16-Sep-07 17:53:30

The rime of the Ancient Mariner

"God save thee, ancient Mariner! From the fiends, that plague thee thus! Why look'st thou so?"

"With my cross-bow; I shot the albatross.....and missed."

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 17:54:34

''I first met Dean not long after my wife and I split up. He was a boring tosser and I decided to not to meet him again''

On the Road

RustyBear Sun 16-Sep-07 17:55:00

Merchant of Venice

"Hey Antonio, I can see your ships coming into harbour now!"

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 17:55:36

''Unpack the wagon folks - we just found us oil!!''

The Grapes of Wrath

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 17:56:07

'so in the end I decided to go to a Red Brick University inseatd'

Brideshead Revisited

Pan Sun 16-Sep-07 17:56:12

Oedipus

"You look strangely familiar..."

CatIsSleepy Sun 16-Sep-07 17:59:18

The time traveller's wife

'Dad, this naked man just showed up in the garden'

'It's alright Clare, the police are already on their way, he won't bother us again'

Threadworm Sun 16-Sep-07 17:59:18

"I'll just turn on the Sat Nav before we set off."

Odyssey

MrsBadger Sun 16-Sep-07 18:01:24

Twelfth Night:

'I know, we'll wear nametags'

Califrau Sun 16-Sep-07 18:02:23

Miss Marple, I have just killed someone in the library

TinyGang Sun 16-Sep-07 18:04:29

Paris 'Actually, I'm gay'

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 18:05:45

''Dolores, you're a cute kid, but you're only 12 for god's sake. It would be perverted and immoral...''


Lolita

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 18:07:22

Ok, Max, you can come downstairs for your supper''

Where The Wild Things Are

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 18:07:29

'So in the end I decided not to go'

Around the world in 80 days

ElenyaTuesday Sun 16-Sep-07 18:08:35

Angela's Ashes:

"My mother had many children but they all survived, my father was always employed and we had a very happy childhood."

TinyGang Sun 16-Sep-07 18:09:54

The Picture of Dorian Grey

'Who left that bloody picture in the attic? I've just trodden on it looking for the Christmas decorations.'

ElenyaTuesday Sun 16-Sep-07 18:10:11

Actually I take that back - no way is "Angela's Ashes" great literature............

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 18:12:40

''Zippitty doo dah, Zippity-yay, my oh my what a wonderful day!''

The Bell Jar

Pan Sun 16-Sep-07 18:13:51

Moby Dick

"Fuck! Missed!"

ElenyaTuesday Sun 16-Sep-07 18:15:29

From "Ruth" by Elizabeth Gaskell:

Ruth says: "Yes I'm unmarried and this is my illegitimate child - do you have a problem with that?"

professorplum Sun 16-Sep-07 18:15:41

Cathy to Nelly

'I love Heathcliff and I always will. Of course I'm not going to marry Edgar'

professorplum Sun 16-Sep-07 18:15:41

Cathy to Nelly

'I love Heathcliff and I always will. Of course I'm not going to marry Edgar'

Pan Sun 16-Sep-07 18:17:59

Casandra to Agammemnon

"Just coz I've got a vagina, it doesn't mean I have to know EVERYTHING!!"

ElenyaTuesday Sun 16-Sep-07 18:20:12

Dombey & Son.

Chapter 1:
Mr Dombey says: "Yes it's wonderful having a daughter - she is going to inherit my business you know."

The End

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 18:27:46

'Miss Brodie, I'm afraid you have failed another OFSTED inspection. I'm going to have to sack you'

Threadworm Sun 16-Sep-07 18:38:00

Gregor Samsa woke up one morning to find that he had a bit of a hangover.

Threadworm Sun 16-Sep-07 18:38:49

"Right," said K. "I've had enough of this. I'm reporting you to the Police Complaints Authority."

newgirl Sun 16-Sep-07 18:46:43

Mrs Macbeth

'that soap worked a treat'

Threadworm Sun 16-Sep-07 19:06:13

"That Mozart's a bright lad," mused Salieri. "It's so nice to see new talent coming along."

Slubberdegullion Sun 16-Sep-07 19:13:45

In a hole in the ground there lived a Hobbit. Sadly because of Middle Earth global warming the hole flooded once a year so the Hobbit was forced to move out to a nice new build semi.

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 19:20:01

'In the end my mother realised she was co-dependent and got my father into a rehab programme, things got better after that'

A tree grows in Brooklyn

edam Sun 16-Sep-07 19:21:29

'That Amelia Sedley's a drip, I'm turning down her invitation. I'm going to take Xenia's advice and start climing the career ladder instead. Today, governess, tomorrow my very own Academy for Young Gentlewomen!'


Becky Sharp, Vanity Fair.

Slubberdegullion Sun 16-Sep-07 19:21:38

Sadly Lucy suffered for claustrophobia so decided against the wardrobe and hid ouside behind the big oak tree instead.

edam Sun 16-Sep-07 19:21:53

climbing, oops.

edam Sun 16-Sep-07 19:23:36

Fortunately for the Fossil sisters, Great Uncle Matthew returned from his trip a very wealthy man, so none of them ever had to work again.

Ballet Shoes

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 19:25:17

'Stop Press, small bear captured at Paddington Station, enquiry is called for at Heathrow security services'

MrsWeasley Sun 16-Sep-07 19:28:01

Harry James Potter was a well loved boy who lived with his mum and Dad, who had been responsible for killing lord Voldermort when Harry was only 1.

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 19:29:35

'Thank goodness for the sprinker system'

Rebecca

Twiglett Sun 16-Sep-07 19:30:16

"and then I joined Druggies Anonymous so we cancelled the road trip"

Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas

motherinferior Sun 16-Sep-07 19:31:01

There was no possibility of taking a walk that day; at least for half an hour. Then it cleared up, and I joined my cousins for a ramble which was surprisingly companiable.

Jane Eyre.

I have just returned from visiting my landlord Mr Heathcliff, and I have to say I don't like him much. I'm also not keen on my housekeeper Nelly Dean. I think I'll catch the next train back to London.

Wuthering Heights.

Twiglett Sun 16-Sep-07 19:32:36

MI did you see my salute to you further down grin

motherinferior Sun 16-Sep-07 19:33:03

Oh yes, thank you, oh marmitey one grin

Slubberdegullion Sun 16-Sep-07 19:33:53

"WTF is dust asked Lyra?"

"Sounds like a theological metaphor for original sin" said Pantalaimon

"Bollocks to that" said Lyra "Lets go and climb on some roofs"

slowreader Sun 16-Sep-07 19:35:53

At the council of Elrond:

"An eagle has voluteered to pop over to Mordor with the ring tomorrow morning."

Twiglett Sun 16-Sep-07 19:37:16

farkin' geeeeeeenious .. an eagle .. LOL

Slubberdegullion Sun 16-Sep-07 19:39:52

Oooh slowreader contentious go and post that on the chat forum of The One Ring.com and you'll get a flamin' like even MN has never seen grin

slowreader Sun 16-Sep-07 19:40:00

Mrs Cratchet:
"Nobody here likes turkey."

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 19:40:54

Dr Beeching is coming to Sodor tomorrow

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 19:47:12

'He's Sparticus!, Him over there, the one that looks like Kirk Douglas'

MarsLady Sun 16-Sep-07 19:47:48

Of Mice and Men: George decided that Lennie needed to stay in residential care.

MarsLady Sun 16-Sep-07 19:49:34

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife sadly Mr Darcy had just lost it all on the second horse in the 12.30 at Kempton!

Slubberdegullion Sun 16-Sep-07 19:49:43

IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a sit on lawn mower.

Slubberdegullion Sun 16-Sep-07 19:50:18

OMG Mars spooky x post grin

MarsLady Sun 16-Sep-07 19:51:18

lol grin

Pruners Sun 16-Sep-07 19:51:35

Message withdrawn

slowreader Sun 16-Sep-07 19:55:22

Tess of the Durbyvilles:

"I think you'd get on with my sister."

Slubberdegullion Sun 16-Sep-07 20:01:32

Once upon a time there were four little Rabbits, and their names were - Flopsy, Mopsy, Cotton-tail, and Peter. All four of them were a bunch of ravenous little bastards so Mr Macgregor aquired a very proficient Jack Russell which caught the theiving sods in no time.

gibberish Sun 16-Sep-07 20:03:59

Pride and Prejudice

'Sorry, I'm gay.'

edam Sun 16-Sep-07 20:11:49

'There's a flood warning out tomorrow, let's find somewhere high up to stay until it's all over.'

Mill on the Floss.

Twiglett Sun 16-Sep-07 20:14:51

the White Rabbit hopped into his rabbit hole and Alice went home for tea

slowreader Sun 16-Sep-07 20:19:01

Priam:
"Everyone out of the horse."

Threadworm Sun 16-Sep-07 20:38:43

"Fine, thanks: a spot of Germolene and it cleared up in no time."

The Singing Detective

wheresthehamster Sun 16-Sep-07 20:58:49

"We settle down in our new home and I resolve to keep a d... " (runs out of ink)

Diary of a Nobody


"The education bestowed on Flora Poste was NOT expensive, athletic or prolonged so when her parents died she was quite capable of earning her own living"

Cold Comfort Farm

filthymindedbolshevixen Sun 16-Sep-07 20:59:39

I blardy love this thread!

Blandmum Sun 16-Sep-07 21:05:48

'We've decided that we'll save money and send you to the local comprehensive'

All the Mallory Towers books

filthymindedvixen Sun 16-Sep-07 21:07:11

''Fuck off Flashman!''

Tom Brown's Schooldays

NKF Sun 16-Sep-07 21:10:00

So Mr and Mrs Brown decided to home educate Tom.

pointydog Sun 16-Sep-07 21:12:48

"Mother's still alive and she's just bought me a jumper from Marks & Spencer"

The Outsider, Camus

wheresthehamster Sun 16-Sep-07 21:13:38

"We love you Katie Nanna, don't ever leave us" said Jane and Michael

Mary Poppins

LIZS Sun 16-Sep-07 21:15:00

Well of course a mad first wife living in the attic isn't a problem, Mr Rochester.

No I don't touch a drop, says the soon-to-be Mayor of Casterbridge

Hurlyburly Sun 16-Sep-07 21:15:59

I've joined Save the Whales

Captain Ahab

LIZS Sun 16-Sep-07 21:19:47

Beware the Ides of March ? ok then I think I'll stay indoors . Juilius Caesar

Pan Sun 16-Sep-07 23:25:34

The Silence of the Lambs..

"Does her bum look big in this?"

RosaLuxembourg Sun 16-Sep-07 23:34:05

Mother deserves some happiness at last after everything she had to put up with from father - Hamlet.

Pan Sun 16-Sep-07 23:42:46

slowreader - you've ruined it for me! I am on Hour 232 of the full LOTR 234 Hour Special Edition endurance test...YOY couldn't have Gandalf trained an eagle to fly to the mountain of doom and drop the feckin' thing in there?? Would have saved what feels like half my life.

RosaLuxembourg Sun 16-Sep-07 23:43:57

Pan - are you watching all the special features as well? There are months of enjoyment in those?

Pan Sun 16-Sep-07 23:51:06

Please god spare me from that as well!!

If I never see another orc it will be a day too soon. I am on Disc 2 on the Return of the King.......I read it all some time 1980 to 82. I have obviously blocked out the truama from memory.grin

TotalChaos Sun 16-Sep-07 23:53:31

Agamemmnon "No, I can't possibly sacrifice my daughter to gain a favourable wind to sail to Troy, it's far too cruel".

Jane Eyre "Reader, I joined a convent".

Pan Sun 16-Sep-07 23:59:38

Clytemnestra to Agammemnon.

"That's fine dear. You make all the decisions."

Ellbell Mon 17-Sep-07 00:22:54

Dante's Inferno (oh, go on, humour me.. I had to...)

Midway through the journey of our life
I found myself in a dark wood
'Nice place for a picnic', I thought...

Ellbell Mon 17-Sep-07 00:34:25

Miranda (to Caliban): 'You know, actually, I find myself strangely drawn to your unreconstructed masculinity'

Ellbell Mon 17-Sep-07 00:36:21

Emma Bovary: 'Actually I prefer non-fiction'

Ellbell Mon 17-Sep-07 00:38:27

Confessions of Zeno

'Once I got the nicotine patches, giving up was quite easy really'

Pan Mon 17-Sep-07 00:40:38

Howard's End.

"Oh sod the umbrella."

TnOgu Mon 17-Sep-07 00:43:50

lol

Ellbell Mon 17-Sep-07 00:44:53

Wordsworth:

And why on horseback have you set
Him whom you love, your G&T boy?

Ellbell Mon 17-Sep-07 00:56:53

The Tempest again

Prospero: Our Revels now are ended. I've even eaten the peanut ones (but I left the toffees for Caliban).

[Must stop and go to bed]

Ellbell Mon 17-Sep-07 01:15:54

Pirates of Penzance

Nurse [adjusting hearing aid]: 'Oh right, I see... apprentice to a pilot.

[Really am going to bed now...]

Califrau Mon 17-Sep-07 01:16:16

(for Ellbell)
Don't bother going - it isnt the plague after all - just a bit of a headcold


the decameron

Ellbell Mon 17-Sep-07 01:18:07

LOL, Califrau!

Alternatively...

Pampinea: 'Let's take some DVDs'

bamamama Mon 17-Sep-07 03:24:12

"I know it's written in pencil but your mother wanted her to have Howards End so that's that"

beansprout Mon 17-Sep-07 04:00:59

Maurice, EM Forster:

Clive: "Phwoar, Maurice, check out out the jugs on her!"

EffiePerine Mon 17-Sep-07 08:59:09

Oops!

Keats, Ode on a Grecian Urn

LIZS Mon 17-Sep-07 09:15:45

I wandered lonely as a cloud ... but as it was still winter and bloody freezing there were no flowers out - Wordsworth

Squiffy Mon 17-Sep-07 09:33:49

This is the version I like to use when I'm in a rush..

A mouse went walking in the deep dark wood
A fax ate the mouse and it tasted good.

TinyGang Mon 17-Sep-07 09:37:52

'Do you know, I think I'd rather just have a nice cup of tea. And a digestive.'

Trainspotting.

Twiglett Mon 17-Sep-07 11:18:25

Goodnight Moon

'Goodnight Moon, Goodnight Child'

filthymindedvixen Mon 17-Sep-07 12:20:03

''Guess How Much I Love you''

''That much''

''Oh. You got it in one...''

The end

Threadworm Mon 17-Sep-07 12:33:59

An elephant! Oh no, I think I'll stay at home thanks.

Passage to India.

choosyfloosy Mon 17-Sep-07 12:40:50

Northanger Abbey

Catherine Morland: Gosh, this book is a load of tripe. Everyone's reading it though. I'm going to go home, write a few of my own, and clean up.

Hurlyburly Mon 17-Sep-07 12:41:39

To be or to go out to the pub?

I think I fancy a pint. Pub it is.

choosyfloosy Mon 17-Sep-07 12:43:35

Atonement

Emily took a Migraleve after breakfast and felt pretty good. 'Come on Briony, let's go to the Pony Club all-day rally' she said...

'When I was a little girl,' said Mrs May to Kate, 'I used to go and stay at a big house. It was regularly fumigated.'

The Borrowers


Christina had inherited a clear skin, an upright carriage, and a phobia about horses.


Flambards

Meridian Mon 17-Sep-07 12:47:59

"Look honest I didn't kill my wife."
"Ok your free to go."

the shawshank redemption

kittylouise Mon 17-Sep-07 12:52:54

Mrs Bennett: Girls, the new tenants of Netherfield have invited us to meet them, I think not as you will only meet men and get notions of marriage.

I wouldn't wosh that on you, my dears, unless you wish to spend your days talking to your husband through the library door.

'I saw something nasty in the woodshed' whispered Aunt Ada, adding brightly, 'Then I realised it was just an old upside-down flowerpot.'

Cold Comfort Farm

no thanks mr serpent i'm happy with this yummy mango god has given me

RosaLuxembourg Mon 17-Sep-07 13:53:39

I don't care if he is a poor sailor, Papa, I am going to marry Captain Wentworth and that's final.
Persuasion

WigWamBam Mon 17-Sep-07 13:58:35

"You come near me with that thing, Alec, and I will chop it off".

Tess of the d'Urbervilles

'Do you really live in that cave all by yourself, Stig? I'd better tell Granny and she'll get social services to come and take you into care, I expect.'

or

'Don't be silly Barney, of course you can't go out on your own. You might fall in that abandoned chalkpit. You stay at home and play with your Wii and if you're lucky we'll go to the soft play centre later.'

Stig of the Dump

Threadworm Mon 17-Sep-07 14:07:22

Raskolnikov browsed through his university prospectus. "Easy access government-funded loans for students," he read. "Hmm," he thought. "I'll give that a go."

Crime and Punishment

That stupid posh git "sebastian" and his blardy teddy bear puked into my room last night i'm joining the young communists

brideshead revisted

'You go for more petrol in the dinghy, John', said Jim. 'Meanwhile I'll let out some more anchor chain and while I'm at it, check the chain is properly attached to the windlass.'

We Didn't Mean to Go To Sea

'I firmly believe that only people who have experienced parenthood themselves are in a position to offer advice to new parents.'

Contented Little Baby Book

Threadworm Mon 17-Sep-07 14:12:13

Oh this thread is so much fun!!

RosaLuxembourg Mon 17-Sep-07 14:13:21

"You know, Dr Bold, you are absolutely right, those old men ought to get a greater share of old Hiram's money,' said Dr Grantly. "I'll see about it at once."

Dior Mon 17-Sep-07 14:18:56

Message withdrawn

not so big crocodile "no don't go into the village to find a yummy child to eat, i've made a lovely lentil bake" enormous crocodile "okay then"

Once upon a time there was
A boy called Charlie Cook
Who had severe dyslexia
And really hated books.

toomanydaves Mon 17-Sep-07 14:30:40

Judas: sorry,30 pieces of silver won't cut it.

Rapunzel: I do find this page-boy cut most practical.

Dorothea Brooke shoots Rosamond and straddles Lydgate.

Fanny Price - come on Edmund let's go beyond the haha....

Macbeth - I think work/life balance is more important than perceived success.

Bill Sykes - these anger management classes have really taught me the error of my ways Nancy.

Blandmum Mon 17-Sep-07 14:33:15

the hungry catapillar metamorphosied as expected

This book has strange holes in the pages, can I change it plaese?

(peepo)

toomanydaves Mon 17-Sep-07 14:34:29

the Baudelaires went into Justice Strauss's living room and there they found....their parents! They hadn't been burned after all!

toomanydaves Mon 17-Sep-07 14:35:18

love this thread MB you farkin genius

'Lola' I said 'I've had enough of this messing around. If you don't eat your tomato I will personally knock Soren Lorenson's stupid invisible block off.'
'Really Charlie?' says Lola, starting to cry. My sister will believe anything.

Threadworm Mon 17-Sep-07 14:40:07

And on the subject of too many Daves,

How about

"Did I ever tell you that Mrs. McCave
Had twenty-three sons and a very good baby-name book"

So we shut the door quick
And that cat in the hat
Could not get in the house.
No! he stayed on the mat.

Blandmum Mon 17-Sep-07 14:46:14

Eddie's off to find his teddy
Eddie's teddy's name is Freddy
he's lost him in the woods somewhere
Naw, fuck off I'll play with my Wii instead

Habbibu Mon 17-Sep-07 14:50:01

"No, I think it's just sleet."

Miss Smilla's feeling for Snow

bobbiewickham Mon 17-Sep-07 17:22:41

"Alice! Wake up! You've nodded off! Let's go home before that pervy old bloke shows up with his camera again."(Alice in Wonderland)


"Hey, you lot! Guess what! Uncle Quentin and Aunt Fanny have got sky plus!" (The Famous Five)


"God, he stinks." (Perfume)

toomanydaves Mon 17-Sep-07 17:23:42

grin threadworm

Pan Mon 17-Sep-07 20:12:54

"Mary-Ann Singleton was twenty-five years old when she saw San Fransisco for the first time. She didn't like the look of it, and went back home to Cleveland. The End"

pyjamagirl Mon 17-Sep-07 20:17:23

Roberta stood on the platform and gasped as she saw a familiar figure coming towards her could it be...........

No unfortunatley it was an officer from fathers prison to inform them that father had hung himself with his shoelaces that very morning


The railway children




.

Pan Mon 17-Sep-07 20:20:08

pyjamagirl! That's too awful!!!!

very good Pyjamagirl.

Ellbell Mon 17-Sep-07 20:48:48

shock pyjamagirl! Gulp sad!

motherinferior Mon 17-Sep-07 20:58:07

And that night they were not divided. Except, Stephen found, that something was lacking. She realised that what she wanted - what she needed - was not a woman's body but a big, throbbing....

...and The Well of Loneliness turns into that sort of lesbian novel wink

Pan Mon 17-Sep-07 21:07:10

"and as a familiar figure emerged from the belching steam of the train as it rested at the platform's side, Roberta's face lit up in pure delight and happiness. As she rushed forwards with warm tears of happiness streaming down her soft face, and her arms open in readiness to embrace, she shouted out loud "Daddy! Daddy! Oh my daddy!".

There.

Hurlyburly Mon 17-Sep-07 21:09:28

What?!

I thought we were turning tragedies into, well if not comedies, something slightly ludicrous.

Pyjamagirl's turning it upside down! I am now seriously upset thinking of their father hung by his shoelaces.

What next? Does Pooh eat Piglet?

bobbiewickham Mon 17-Sep-07 21:14:10

OOh, I've gone all tingly at that 'my daddy' bit.

It slays me.

bobbiewickham Mon 17-Sep-07 21:15:13

Oh no, hurlyburly.

Now Daddy is hanging *upside down* by his shoelaces. shock

Pan Mon 17-Sep-07 21:15:30

I heard that bit on the radio as I was driving a couple of years ago.....still brought tears to eyes.

bobbiewickham Mon 17-Sep-07 21:15:35

Why didn't the bold thing work?

Pan Mon 17-Sep-07 21:18:43

you must surround each word with asterisks, bobbie.

bobbiewickham Mon 17-Sep-07 21:19:41

oh thanks smile

So Jarndyce took independent financial advice, did some inheritance tax planning and made sure his will was up to date.

Bleak House


"No Father, when I said I loved you as much as salt, I meant that life would seem dull and flat without you and that, in fact, I could not survive without you. Oh, love you too Daddy"

King Lear

PS, MB and filthymindedvixen are hilarious AND high minded literary geniuses - not a bad combo.

bobbiewickham Mon 17-Sep-07 21:19:53

It worked!

bobbiewickham Mon 17-Sep-07 21:22:01

"Of course you can have some more, Oliver! Pass your plate up! In fact, no! Bugger gruel, let's all go to Mrs Miggin's pie shop! Come on, lads, my shout!"

I don't actually have a puppy/teddy/bunny/kitten/dinosaur

(anyone else feel that particular franchise has run its natural course?)

I wrote to the zoo to send me a pet, and they replied 'we're a zoo, not a flipping mail order pet shop.'

Dear Zoo.

bobbiewickham Mon 17-Sep-07 21:29:46

Here's a little baby, one two three, sits in his pushchair, what does he see?


Cbeebies.

Ellbell Mon 17-Sep-07 21:29:57

Thanks Pan! [Ellbell weeps a bit blush]

Dior Mon 17-Sep-07 21:31:16

Message withdrawn

bobbiewickham Mon 17-Sep-07 21:32:19

Oh no, mud! Squelchy, squerchy mud!
We can't go under it, we can't go over it,we'll have to go through it!

Thank God we've got a fark off 4WD.

slowreader Mon 17-Sep-07 21:49:26

'Dearest Sara,' said Miss Minchin gently. 'You will never want for a home while Miss Amelia and I are alive.'

'A bit of earth?' repeated Archibald Craven. 'Of course.... I'll instruct Mrs Medlock to get you a grobag from the garden centre.'

Marina Mon 17-Sep-07 21:59:32

I put him up for adoption yesterday honey
We don't have to talk about Kevin any more thank GOD
Loads of goodies on here but especial LOLOLOL at "art thou Elias?" "and he answered Yes", nice one torty

slowreader Mon 17-Sep-07 22:13:08

"Do drop in on Calypso, darling," said Penelope. "And don't forget the sat nav, and Odysseus darling..... take the dog."

ahundredtimes Mon 17-Sep-07 22:26:03

Mrs Dalloway decided she couldn't be arsed, she telephoned everyone and cancelled the dinner party.


The sun is shining, everyone is happy, we are all tee-total and very interested in keep fit.
Raymond Carver, Short Stories.


I'm a happily married man, I adore my wife and my job is totally fulfilling. I remain a potent and valuable man.
Any book by John Updike.


Toronto? No, I grew up there. I see no reason to return.
Cat's Eye


God, I've got a memory like a sieve me.
Proust

Bink Mon 17-Sep-07 22:26:59

OK chaps let's crack on, rolling stone gathers no moss, what? Chop chop

Richard II

Bink Mon 17-Sep-07 22:32:10

Oh, OK, OK, since you asked so nicely, what happened next was ...

Thousand and One Nights

NO! NO!

(This is a very clever funny thread)

Squiffy Tue 18-Sep-07 08:47:48

"Oh, we're still in Kansas"

bozza Tue 18-Sep-07 09:10:04

"mummy there's a tiger at the door".

"Sophie what have I told you about strange tigers. Do not let him in"

LIZS Tue 18-Sep-07 09:10:45

oh Cinderella , I know the clock is striking but don't forget your shoe.

WideWebWitch Tue 18-Sep-07 09:11:17

"so, I went to New York where I was very successful"

Toby Young, how to lose friends and alienate people (aware NOT great literature)

jura Tue 18-Sep-07 09:25:09

The sun did not shine
It was too wet to play
So we sat there alone
On that cold, cold wet day

We sat there alone,
We sat there, we two,
Then we went upstairs and found a mahoosive 1000-piece jigsaw and that kept us occupied for the rest of the afternoon.

(The Cat in the Hat)

Bink Tue 18-Sep-07 10:03:24

I thought of another Macbeth one ...

Oh, hello dear. Nice day? Really? Witches, oh yes dear. And Banquo? Banquo, the one who ... oh yes I know Banquo. Yes dear. Lovely dear. Yes dear I was listening. Lovely dear.

Bink Tue 18-Sep-07 10:19:06

plus another ...

"No no, you seraphs are lovely, really you are, but my bum does look big in this, so no flattery please. And, sorry if I'm being prim but really should we be chatting away when we're meant to be praising? - seriously I don't think the boss likes it and I'd rather not upset Him."

Paradise Lost

Hurlyburly Tue 18-Sep-07 10:20:17

I wander'd lonely as a cloud, and then I saw a bunch of my mates and we went to the pub.

toomanydaves Tue 18-Sep-07 10:20:46

This is my favourite thread EVER.

Squiffy Tue 18-Sep-07 10:33:06

John Masefield, if he was a MNer:

"I must go down to the sales again"

"He said it's at the post office"

The 39 Steps

hunkermunker Tue 18-Sep-07 10:54:16

This thread's in chat, guys...

(I'm ruining this great thread with a single line - see what I did there?)

I will email MN Towers and ask them to move it Somewhere Else so it's saved for posterity, I think.

Otherwise there'll be bleating.

And ROFL at it!

Hurlyburly Tue 18-Sep-07 10:57:09

In Xanadu, did Kubla Khan,
A stately pleasure dome decree
For the millenium, and turned it into a whoppingly huge casino

jura Tue 18-Sep-07 10:57:23

So Little Nell cheered up immensely and felt much better.

(The Old Curiosity Shop)

jura Tue 18-Sep-07 10:58:25

If music be the food of love,
I'll have a Big Mac, large fries and chocolate shake in a symphonic setting.

(Twelfth Night)

frogs Tue 18-Sep-07 10:58:59

Cold Comfort Farm:

"Oh, I do so adore this rustic charm. Yes, it's a little impractical, but who cares about hot running water when you can enjoy that delicious scent wafting over from the sukebind? And what a lovely woodshed."

frogs Tue 18-Sep-07 11:00:12

Bleak House:

"Don't worry, I'm sure they'll agree to an out-of-court settlement."

Threadworm Tue 18-Sep-07 11:01:38

One for Hunkermunker:

ONCE upon a time there was a very beautiful doll's house -- in a nursery well-provided with mousetraps.

(Hunca Munca and the Two Bad Mice)

EmsMum Tue 18-Sep-07 11:03:33

It was spring, moonless night in the small town, starless and so it was a jolly good thing they'd got street lights installed at last.

EmsMum Tue 18-Sep-07 11:05:10

"When shall we three meet again..."
"can't do tuesday, thats Pilates"
"and I've not got time for the coven now I've joined CronesNet"

Bink Tue 18-Sep-07 11:05:45

"That Gilbert Osmond ... can't explain why but he gives me the creeps."

Portrait of a Lady

EmsMum Tue 18-Sep-07 11:07:19

"Is this a dagger I see before my eyes?"

"No its a toasting fork with Marmees slipper on it"

This game isn't new!
...

suzywong Tue 18-Sep-07 11:08:07

SPRAY@the firt anna karenina

ahundredtimes Tue 18-Sep-07 11:08:52

Dr Jeykell decided after an excruciating afternoon with the careers advisor to pursue a career in the Arts.


We'd like you to take these papers out to a Count Dracula in Transylvannia, your boat leaves on Sunday.
Oh god, let's just fax them shall we? It'll save an awful lot of trouble.

daddy the woods are full of phallic symbols, i'm too little to lose my red cherry, can you take me to granny's instead. little red riding hood

suzywong Tue 18-Sep-07 11:12:46

GUFFAW@ Threadworm and Enduring Love and MB and TLTWATW

these are funny

Squiffy Tue 18-Sep-07 11:18:35

Ozymandias:

I met a traveller from an antique land
who said "I went to the desert, saw nothing but sand"...

suzywong Tue 18-Sep-07 11:19:50

I'm keeping my maiden name, thanks very much, and Danvers you can take all this tat to the charity shop and drop in at the labour exchange while you're in the High Street, you're canned.

Hurlyburly Tue 18-Sep-07 11:21:54

Jane Eyre, again

Reader, I married a really nice doctor that I met. Nice chap. Not been married before. No danger of bigamy there!

hunkermunker Tue 18-Sep-07 12:00:35

<squeak> at Threadworm! [scuttles off]

(Think it should be moved to MN Classics, probably, btw)

RosaLuxembourg Tue 18-Sep-07 12:18:39

Romeo and Juliet Act One, Scene One
Romeo: Benvolio, well met. The fair Rosaline hath abandoned her vow of chastity for love of me. Wilt be my groomsman?

JulesJules Tue 18-Sep-07 13:42:42

'Express Cooking' by Nigella

Buy it all from a deli

(Ok, not literature )

Threadworm Tue 18-Sep-07 13:47:39

ANTONIO: Not a ducat, Bassanio. Neither a borrower not a lender be!

Merchant of Venice

Threadworm Tue 18-Sep-07 13:48:23

nor blush

Hurlyburly Tue 18-Sep-07 13:52:07

Lovely threadworm!

"It is a far far better thing that I do than I have ever done. It is a far far better rest that I go to than I have ever known. Three whole weeks at Sandals"

A Tale of Two Cities

toomanydaves Tue 18-Sep-07 14:17:18

Thanks, Mephistopholes, but I'm happy with my little life.

Faust.

toomanydaves Tue 18-Sep-07 14:18:22

Charles, let's set up a soup kitchen for the unfortunates of our commmunity.

Emma Bovary

toomanydaves Tue 18-Sep-07 14:19:26

Despite being an intellectual, I found Motherhood a breeze.

Rachel Cusk, a Life's Work.

RosaLuxembourg Tue 18-Sep-07 14:23:11

Love it, TMD grin

RosaLuxembourg Tue 18-Sep-07 16:37:23

Old Tom Oakley glared at the billeting officer. 'I am not taking in no evacuees, and that's final,' he growled, shutting the door of his cottage firmly in little Willie's pinched white face.

Bink Tue 18-Sep-07 17:10:26

I was born, and then, well, here I am. Oh dear, you must excuse me I can never really think of anything to say about myself. Sorry, I'm awfully dull.

Tristram Shandy

toomanydaves Tue 18-Sep-07 17:16:18

who the feck wants to go to moscow? I'm happy here right enough.

Chekhov, three sisters.

toomanydaves Tue 18-Sep-07 17:17:16

mephistopheles..

pyjamagirl Tue 18-Sep-07 17:22:50

LUCY:But I did go into a strange land through the wardrobe .

PETER: Oh lucy have you been stealing the old gentlemans medication again

mylittlefreya Tue 18-Sep-07 17:53:54

It is a truth universally acknowledged, than a single man in possession of a large fortune should not move to the country and meet a family of young women with no prospects at all.

P+P

Dior Tue 18-Sep-07 18:07:01

Message withdrawn

toomanydaves Tue 18-Sep-07 18:13:27

Although Tom's brother had measles, it was thought that he might as well get it over with as well, so he didn't get sent to his weird aunt and uncle's house.

Tom's Midnight Garden.

Mr and Mrs Pevensey couldn't decide whether to evacuate the children or not, and their vacillation unfortunately meant that they were all killed in the blitz.

The lion w and w again.

hunkermunker Tue 18-Sep-07 21:31:22

"Mother says we mustn't go into the wood for fear of scraping our knees and making our aprons dirty, Fanny, so let's stay in the garden and make mud pies"

The Magic Faraway Tree.

Twiglett Tue 18-Sep-07 21:32:28

what is this 'magic faraway tree' of which you all speak?

CaptainUnderpants Tue 18-Sep-07 21:46:49

Winne the Poo sat happily in the woods eating his honey, along came a stripy bouncing tiger and ate him.

marthamoo Tue 18-Sep-07 21:49:16

We're all going on a Bear Hunt!

Ugh, can't we just play on the Wii instead?

Yeah, OK.

Meridian Thu 20-Sep-07 16:24:03

rose are red
violets are blue
mummy is on mumsnet
cbeebies is on for you

not great literature but true none the less grin

Threadworm Sat 22-Sep-07 14:05:09

He tore open his letter from the Medical Ethics Commission, eager to hear the fate of his research proposal. "Dear Dr Frankenstein," he read, "With regret we can not..."

Threadworm Sat 22-Sep-07 15:20:06

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it.

--David Copperfield

Threadworm Sat 22-Sep-07 15:21:51

I was feeling a bit fed up at school, so I went on a gap year with the VSO in Kenya.

--The Catcher in the Rye

MrsArchieTheInventor Sat 22-Sep-07 15:28:55

"A handbag?"

"Yeah, £3.50, Matalan"

Blandmum Sat 22-Sep-07 15:30:41

Charley Bucket's family were very poor, so they applied for working family tax credits. His mother read MN and wouldn't buy him a bar of chocolate for his birthday, they had a big bowl of Quinoa instead.

ThreadRessurector Fri 03-Oct-08 05:54:00

Found this thread in a search, and think it deserves resurrecting.
I'll kick off:

"Blimey, a talking wolf!", thought Red Riding Hood, "No wonder Grandma wanted these brownies hand-delivered"

and

"I'm sorry, Mr Boleyn, as lovely as both your daughters are, I take my marriage vows very seriously"

Over to you?

Threadworrm Fri 03-Oct-08 06:55:38

Oh yes, yes ,yes. This was a brilliant thread. I will get my thinking cap on.

ninedragons Fri 03-Oct-08 07:40:11

"This edition of Finnegans Wake has been edited by the Plain English Society."

Blackduck Fri 03-Oct-08 08:01:11

Oh don't tell me you believe what 3 old crones told you? Its bad enough that you read your horoscope everyday. <rolls eyes>.
Macbeth

"An older woman! in London!" exclaimed Tess. "A sordid 48 hour affair! Good heavens, and I felt guilty!"

Portofino Fri 03-Oct-08 09:41:49

Sorry Mmme Bovary - your credit rating is not good enough. I'll only accept cash.

Threadworrm Fri 03-Oct-08 10:00:37

"Let's stop all this overanalysing, Gwenny, and just get married," said Daniel. "Bugger Palestine."

Daniel Deronda.

nellyup Fri 03-Oct-08 10:05:04

"Mum, some nutter's been putting anonymous letters in the mailbox again. Shall I just bin 'em?"

Sophie's World

Threadworrm Fri 03-Oct-08 10:07:33

"Could I just double-check that the booking is for a childfree hotel?

Death in Venice

FunnyLittleFrog Fri 03-Oct-08 12:00:42

'They were young, educated and well up for it on this, their wedding night.'
On Chesil Beach

FunnyLittleFrog Fri 03-Oct-08 12:01:27

'Arthur Seaton decided to stay in, have a cup of tea and watch Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway.'
Saturday Night and Sunday Morning

FunnyLittleFrog Fri 03-Oct-08 12:02:01

'Have you ever tasted a Whitstable oyster? Bleeding 'orrible they are.'
Tipping the Velvet

FunnyLittleFrog Fri 03-Oct-08 12:02:30

'Hale knew, before he had been in Eastbourne three hours, that he had caught the wrong train.'
Brighton Rock

TsarChasm Fri 03-Oct-08 12:06:28

<shock Was this thread really from a year ago?!>

FunnyLittleFrog Fri 03-Oct-08 12:06:44

'Jimmy Rabbitte knew absolutely nothing about music. He bought The Sun and listened to Terry Wogan on Radio 2"
The Commitments

Sycamoretree Fri 03-Oct-08 12:07:19

Christmas Carol:

"Well, I suppose you have worked quite hard this year Cratchett, here's a 100% payraise and a family Bupa policy - must dash, I've taken an entire vat of amphetamine and there's no way I'm going to be getting any sleep tonight!"

Portofino Fri 03-Oct-08 12:08:15

"And you can feck right off" said Tiny Tim to Scrooge, brandishing his winning Euromillions ticket.

Sycamoretree Fri 03-Oct-08 12:10:05

Ooh, spooky x posts Portofino!

comedy of errors

antipholus: yes, i've a twin brother. i know all about him.

dromio: so have i! fancy that!

Portofino Fri 03-Oct-08 12:15:21

Great mind think alike!

"No I certainly don't want to visit your family this weekend, Sebastian, and what is it with the Teddy? It makes you look like a right knob!"

sockmonkey Fri 03-Oct-08 12:19:15

A monster in the garden? I'm coming right now Bernard!

Not now Bernard.
(About my level of literary skill blush )

snigger Fri 03-Oct-08 12:23:06

shock

I had a minor conniption there as I clicked on this thread and scrolled through, and saw one of my old names - good job I came back to check the date on the post before firing off my dummy-spitting email to MNHQ about the nicking of alter-egos!

What's more, I didn't even laugh - at my OWN post grin

It's still a great thread!

<<fans self rapidly - year old threads, dear god, they'll bring back the governess next>>

Simplysally Fri 03-Oct-08 12:27:17

Marlow in Heart of Darkness:

"My dear aunt got me a job"

"In McDonald's"

TsarChasm Fri 03-Oct-08 12:38:57

From the Very Hungry Caterpillar

'Actually I'll give it a miss. I've just joined weight watchers'

OrmIrian Fri 03-Oct-08 12:42:49

"That Estelle is a snooty cow, and ugly as feck and no I don't want to play cards with her."

Pip.

Cappuccino Fri 03-Oct-08 12:44:27

from Tess of the D'Urbervilles

"What, Tess, you've had sex before? Thank god one of us has, as I'm so innocent, and I haven't got a clue what to do"

Cappuccino Fri 03-Oct-08 12:45:17

rofl rofl at Finnegan's Wake

fluffyanimal Fri 03-Oct-08 12:45:39

Little boy, "It's OK, you can chuck that scruffy old rabbit, I'm too old for teddies now. It's not like they're REAL or anything."

The Velveteen Rabbit.

OrmIrian Fri 03-Oct-08 12:45:41

Macbeth: "Is that a dagger I see before me, it's handle towards my hand?"
Lady M: "No, m'dear, it's my curling tongs. Go to bed now. We've got a busy day tomorrow what with entertaining his maj and all"

Aniyan Fri 03-Oct-08 12:46:55

"Madge, old bean, you're far too young and inexperienced to start a school"

"Yes, I suppose you're right, Dick"

The Chalet School series

OrmIrian Fri 03-Oct-08 12:48:14

Mill on the Floss

Maggie: "Tom? God no, haven't see him for years. Have you read 'Toxic Siblings' ? It's changed my life."

Threadworrm Fri 03-Oct-08 12:51:15

Lol at Great Expectations.

Alternatively:'Joe, Joe! There's a peeeeedo in the cemetery!'

Milkmade Fri 03-Oct-08 12:53:23

Oliver:
"Please sir can I have some more"
"Certainly son, it does my heart good to see a lad with a good appetite?

Rebecca
"I love you Max darling, but I'm afraid that creepy housekeeper of yours is going to have to go"

Aniyan Fri 03-Oct-08 13:23:16

"Bugger this, lads, it's freezing. Let's go home"

The Worst Journey in the World

Death of a Salesman.

"What life insurance policy?"

jojosmaman Fri 03-Oct-08 13:27:54

Annie Wilkes: "So you're an author are you? Never heard of you. Anyway, here we are at the hospital, bye now!"

Misery, Stephen King.

Cappuccino Fri 03-Oct-08 13:28:20

from my rantings on a thread yesterday

Time Traveller's Wife

"No, I have never met you in my life before. You strike me as an unreliable man. I am going home"

Simplysally Fri 03-Oct-08 13:33:22

Marianne Dreams:

"Marianne, good news, the doctor says you don't have to stay in bed"

NoblesseOblige Fri 03-Oct-08 13:36:48

James James Morrison Morrison Weatherby George Dupree

Took great care of his mother,

Though he was only 3,

James James said to his mother

"mother" he said, said he,

"you must never go down to the end of the town if you don't go down with me."

James James Morrison's mother put on a golden gown,

James James Morrison's mother drove to the end of the town...and left James at nursery from 8- till 5.30 grin

FunnyLittleFrog Fri 03-Oct-08 14:00:21

'Squire Trelawny, Dr Liversey and the rest of these gentlemen asked me to write down the whole particulars about Treasure Island. I told them to f* off.'
Treasure Island

Twims Fri 20-Feb-09 18:19:22

Any more grin

LightShinesInTheDarkness Fri 20-Feb-09 21:19:08

'Nurse - I think I have a touch of conjunctivitis. My eye won't open'

(The Diving Bell & The Butterfly)

Leander-'Hero,I don't think I'll go for a dip tonight.That water looks a bit choppy.

LightShinesInTheDarkness Sat 21-Feb-09 14:18:20

'Oh well', said Maria 'at least leprosy is not catching'

(Victoria Hislop's 'The Island')

BalloonSlayer Sat 21-Feb-09 17:18:02

"Ashley is going to marry Melanie..." mused Scarlett, "this means that usless twat can bore Melanie's tits off about literature for the next sixty years while I get rogered senseless by a rich guy with a black mustache. Great balls of fire!"

Monkeygi Sat 21-Feb-09 17:27:02

'Not drowning but waving.'

No, Tom, said Mrs Brown, for the last time we cannot afford to send you to boarding school.

Hassled Sat 21-Feb-09 17:29:38

"I decided after all that I didn't like the sound of this Gatsby fellow and that I wouldn't rent that house on Long Island Sound"

The Great Gatsby.

BitOfFun Sat 21-Feb-09 17:41:52

Eee lad, them kestrels give you bird flu, let's get thee a goldfish...

BitOfFun Sat 21-Feb-09 17:42:40

Eee lad, them kestrels give you bird flu, let's get thee a goldfish...

BitOfFun Sat 21-Feb-09 17:47:06

It is a truth universally acknowleged that a single man in posession of a fortune loves cocaine and hookers.

Miggsie Sat 21-Feb-09 18:23:41

"Africa? You must be joking!"...Heart of Darkness

"I don't like those pigs, I'll sit on them"...Boxer, Animal Farm

Mr Pickwick decided to go on the Hip and Thigh diet...

"I've won a horse! I can sell him and buy make-up!"...National Velvet

"I'm more of a cat person"...Lassie come home

'My wife would NEVER have an affair! Go away you nasty troublemaker!'

Othello

When Mr Dashwood died it was after many years of careful financial planning and so his wife and daughters found they were perfectly well off.

Sense and Sensibility

loupiots Mon 09-Mar-09 17:37:01

"Heathcliff? Is that you? What are you doing skulking around ? It’s very rude to eavesdrop."

Cathy
Wuthering Heights

whitestripes Mon 09-Mar-09 18:07:55

Gone with the wind-

Rhett Butler to Scarlett

"Frankly my dear I do give a damn,lets get back together again"

Malkuth Sat 14-Mar-09 10:32:53

Bumping this cos I was just looking at my watched threads and it was really funny and should go into classics!

flippinada Thu 26-Jul-12 21:35:01

I think this brilliant thread should be resurrected. In that vein, here's my contribution.

Henning Mankell writes:
After some reflection, Kurt decided he'd prefer something less stressful, like a desk job in the Swedish civil service.

Shakespeare:
Lady Macbeth: when you durst do it, then you were a man!

Macbeth: right, that's it. I've had it up to here with you issuing orders and expecting me to jump to it. Actually, you know what you are? Controlling. And another thing....

The Go-Between:
The past is a different country. That's why I won't be going there, as I don't like foreigners.

Adrian Mole aged 13 and 3/4
Dear diary....actually, I can't be arsed.

LadyDamerel Thu 26-Jul-12 22:20:23

Mrs Lambchop: "I think we should move that pin-board from above Stanley's bed, it looks a bit precarious."

Flat Stanley

flippinada Thu 26-Jul-12 22:30:23

Silence of the Lambs:
Actually Clarice, I've been thinking about this a lot. I'm turning vegan. Please don't mention meat in my presence ever again, or I'll get really, really upset.

JeezyPeeps Sat 28-Jul-12 08:48:23

'your wife? You know that mad beggar woman? Yeah, that's her.'

Mrs Lovett to Sweeney Todd

itsatrap Fri 03-Aug-12 18:59:11

Apologies if repeat...

A mouse took a stroll in the deep dark wood, an owl ate the mouse, and the mouse was good....

NicholasTeakozy Sat 04-Aug-12 17:23:32

"Fuck this for a lark, I'm going to join a gym"

The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner.

OrangeFireandGoldashes Sat 22-Sep-12 16:39:39

"Lily, I know we talked about making Peter our Secret-Keeper to put Voldemort off the scent, but I really don't trust him so I'm going to ask Dumbledore after all, okay?"

CarryOn90 Sat 11-Oct-14 20:48:38

"Look, a rescue helicopter!" cried Piggy. "Just as well we kept your specs." said Simon.

Lord of the flies

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