What Not to Do - the stupidity thread

(1001 Posts)
littlelapin Sat 15-Sep-07 12:12:53

Do not:

- drop overripe blackberries all over the floor
- get distracted by small child and forget to wash hands after picking up aforementioned blackberries
- take white wash out of washing machine

... <sigh> ...

<LL reloads washing machine, scrubs floor, cries>

heyvick Fri 10-Apr-09 05:23:59

And there are plenty more grin, but I MUST stop embarrassing myself. What the hell, I'm over here in Australia, nobody there knows me heehee

heyvick Fri 10-Apr-09 05:23:01

• After painting the bathroom walls without clothes on cos it’s the middle of summer, you MUST always check yourself in the shower before going to the doctor for a boob check-up
• DO NOT forget to do this, otherwise, he just can’t help himself, he just has to ask you what on earth all the blue over your boobs is

heyvick Fri 10-Apr-09 05:19:12

• When you go shopping for a new quilt, you MUST NOT pull one out from a tightly packed shelf without asking for help from an assistant.
• Otherwise, YOU MUST keep walking away when the whole lot of shelving collapses around the feet of everybody, especially one poor little old man with a walking stick, who keeps on repeating ‘It wasn’t me, I didn’t do anything’. Keep on walking is just what I did, with the quilt under my overcoat!

heyvick Fri 10-Apr-09 05:15:45

ps You also MUST laugh harder when the poor pimply faced young assistant has to sweep them up, and then ask you if you'd still like to take them grin grin grin

heyvick Fri 10-Apr-09 05:14:30

This was back in the days before boxes of tampons were wrapped in cellophane.

• If YOU MUST go shopping with your flatmate near closing time and the supermarket is crowded, you MUST NOT be surprised or embarrassed when the lid of the box of 40 tampons flies open while it’s being thrown onto the check-out (by flatmate), and 40 tampons fly merrily through the air, hitting the heads of people lined up at other check-outs.
• You ARE, however, permitted to crack up hysterically with laughter at the looks of surprise, shock, then horror on their faces.grin

heyvick Fri 10-Apr-09 05:10:05

• If you MUST be in the supermarket, pregnant and alone on your birthday, feeling sorry for yourself, and if you MUST fill yourself a big bag of Smarties from the self-serve lolly section, DO NOT assume that the corner of the bag won’t have a hole in it.
• If you MUST have these lollies as a cheer-up, DO NOT feel embarrassed when you suddenly find Smarties rattling out of the bag onto the floor at the check-out, all around your feet, at the busiest time of day, while everybody turns around to look at you.

Stayingsunnygirl Sun 05-Apr-09 23:46:02

I wish I hadn't found this thread at bedtime - because it's now way past bedtime and I've still only read a fraction of these.

I do have one, though.

In the craft block at school, do not assume that the unlabelled downstairs loo is for everyone. It's not. The ladies is upstairs by the cookery and sewing rooms. The gents is downstairs by the woodwork and metalwork classrooms.

I was doing woodwork, and nipped out to the loo. Somehow I managed not to notice the urinals, and went into the only cubicle in the downstairs loo - and even the fact that it was the only cubicle didn't raise any suspicions for me.

The penny dropped when I came out to find one of the lads from my year just finishing at the urinals......blush

Bless him, he could have told the whole year and I'd have been teased even more than I already was - but he didn't.

MoreSpamThanGlam Sun 05-Apr-09 23:02:41

Wilf, you kake it sound like a nursery rhyme

MoreSpam had a little Mary
It was covered in fluff
She hacked with the kitchen scissors
And chopped the little mans head off..

MoreSpamThanGlam Sun 05-Apr-09 23:00:16

I wish....grin Well...alcohol would be nice...

WilfSell Sun 05-Apr-09 22:58:55

But yes... Ooooooooooouch.

I hope there was no lasting damage and marital relations with Mary and the Little Man resumed.

MoreSpamThanGlam Sun 05-Apr-09 22:58:51

GENTLE!!! As big as a babies leg??? Come to mama!!!

WilfSell Sun 05-Apr-09 22:57:48

Mary? Little man in a boat? ROFL.

Are you on drugs woman?

MoreSpamThanGlam Sun 05-Apr-09 22:56:08

DO NOT trim your mary in the bathroom on a whim when the only scissors to hand are LARGE kitchen scissors. Especially after recently giving birth and a bit of a belly in the way so you cant see when you slightly snip off the end of your little man in a boat...

OUCH...blush

WilfSell Sun 05-Apr-09 22:37:58

And LMAO at 'only a very little stroke'. grin

There's no such thing, like being pregnant. You either fondle someone's cock. Or you don't.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies Sun 05-Apr-09 22:37:02

I suppose it could have been worse, you could have said 'This little piggy...' as you grabbed...

solidgoldshaggingbunnies Sun 05-Apr-09 22:36:24

Gentle that deserves some sort of award...

WilfSell Sun 05-Apr-09 22:36:15

...do NOT, whatever else you have on your mind, while repeating to oneself the mantra 'drive on the right, drive on the right, drive on the right...' for 4 weeks prior to your trip to Europe, try to save yourself lots of money by renting rather than buying a roofbox, then proceed but a few hours after it is fitted to FAIL to repeat to oneself the mantra: 'do not enter low-ceilinged multistorey...'

I cannot begin to describe the shame as, like meercats, shoppers peered over the tops of their cars to work out what the grinding, crunching sound was as DH drove under each concrete beam. Again. And again.

I only hope Sainsbury's had their video camera on so they can at least afford to repaint once they've sent in the video of the FUCKING IDIOTS in the MPV to You've Been Framed.

We'll be buying the roofbxo because too ashamed to take it back losing our deposit then?

WilfSell Sun 05-Apr-09 22:31:59

<chokes on cava> @ Gentle grin while re-reading recent entries in order to post...

Gentle Wed 01-Apr-09 09:15:15

grin We were in a wildlife park at the time with the whole family. It was only a very little stroke but his face sort of dropped, we made eye contact, I realised what had happened, said "Oh dear" and snatched my hand away.

Luckily no-one else noticed. We have never mentioned it but we both know exactly what happened.

We do get on really well and I trust him to have understood that I was aiming for a leg! 5 years have passed and he hasn't asked me to take up where we left off anyway...

treedelivery Wed 01-Apr-09 00:29:04

Do not answer door to postman, and be so excited at arrival of new washable nappy you forget to put your [bfreastfeeding] boob away.

poor man.

Nor should you wander into bedroom with cream carpet and white rug holding bf dd wrapped in towel. The obvious will happen and it will take 2 threads to deal with the stain and your nerves. Possibly a 3rd thread to deal with resulting drink problem.

Oh Gentle, that's one of the funniest things I've heard in a long tome ~ mortifying but hilarious!!! grin

esselle Wed 01-Apr-09 00:10:17

Oh. My. God.

Gentle that it utterly mortifyingly hilarious!!grinshockblush

I love this thread!!

Wuxiapian Tue 31-Mar-09 20:45:35

OMG, Gentle!

Lmao!

Gentle Tue 31-Mar-09 20:30:39

Do not accidentally stroke your father-in-law's (fully clothed) cock while he holds your baby because you have mistaken it for lo's dangling betrousered leg.

Bump - mumsnet has gone a bit mad and it's time to remember some good stuff

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