What Not to Do - the stupidity thread

(1001 Posts)
littlelapin Sat 15-Sep-07 12:12:53

Do not:

- drop overripe blackberries all over the floor
- get distracted by small child and forget to wash hands after picking up aforementioned blackberries
- take white wash out of washing machine

... <sigh> ...

<LL reloads washing machine, scrubs floor, cries>

Neverenoughhandbags Sat 15-Sep-07 12:22:16

One word for that LL. Bugger.

littlelapin Sat 15-Sep-07 12:24:53

Definitely.

"Made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply says: "Bugger"."

moljam Sat 15-Sep-07 12:48:46

whoopsy

Can I join in?

Do not:

- take the washing out of the machine and leave it in the washing basket
- forget it's there and make some toast
- sweep bread crumbs from counter, missing catching-hand, and watch them land in clean washing
- put your cup of tea down half on top of the jam jar, because it won't balance supported by thin air, and it will crash onto the counter, flinging hot tea everwhere, including a spectacular wave which will land in the washing
- forget to put washing powder in when you reload the machine
- burn the toast

Do:
- eat biscuits for breakfast and be thankful it was a dark load




Bugger.

MellowMa Sat 15-Sep-07 12:59:51

Message withdrawn

harleyd Sat 15-Sep-07 13:02:39

do not
drink beer for breakfast just because the rugby is on
do not try to join in with the haka and then realise that the postman is looking throught the window blush

Neverenoughhandbags Sat 15-Sep-07 13:45:14

Bugger

SeaShells Sat 15-Sep-07 13:56:07

Do not:
-flush the toilet when it contains a plastic bath toy boat that the kids have dropped down there - it will defy logic and go down the pipes despite it's size - causing a blockage in the pipes and the toilet will overflow and flood the bathroom with sewage - resulting in a £110 bill from dino-rod to come and remove fore mentioned boat from pipes, whilst dino-rod man has a jolly good laugh when the cause of blockage is discovered and you're left with a bathroom which needs a new carpet and completely dis-infecting. Oh the shame blush

Lio Sat 15-Sep-07 13:57:53

Do not sprinkle formula powder on pasta, thinking it is grated parmesan.

Desiderata Sat 15-Sep-07 14:02:35

Do NOT offend middle-aged, bearded gentlemen in hotel lobbies. He will almost certainly be the King of Sweden.

numptysmummy Sat 15-Sep-07 14:27:03

Do not look at mn before you start doing dishes,washing,feeding children,getting dressed ........... grin

littlelapin Sat 15-Sep-07 14:27:30

Do not get distracted by the All Blacks thighs and flood the bathroom - whoops

harleyd - LOL grin

NoBiggy Sat 15-Sep-07 14:30:38

Do not think your car is stuck and just needs a little more gas.

Because you've reversed it into a pillar, you plank.

cornsilk Sat 15-Sep-07 14:33:09

Do not leave flash wipes next to the toilet.

littlelapin Sat 15-Sep-07 14:34:24

Who was it who wiped their child's face after lunch with a Flash wipe...

Neverenough Sat 15-Sep-07 14:34:48

I'm curious Desiderata.....what did you say????

cornsilk Sat 15-Sep-07 14:35:14

Ds1 wiped his bum with one!

numptysmummy Sat 15-Sep-07 14:37:11

Don't use a sponge with a green scrubbing side to wash a black car

Neverenough Sat 15-Sep-07 14:37:54

Do not buy new suitcase in a hurry, take to conference and not actually look at it, then announce when leaving for train it's not your suitcase, causing general chaos and rushing around to catch people who have left to go to other station........only to open it after much persuasion......blush

littlelapin Sat 15-Sep-07 14:40:11

This is all making me feel better grin you bunch of total incompetents hilarious women!

harleyd Sat 15-Sep-07 14:41:36

did you get your bathroom sorted ll grin

littlelapin Sat 15-Sep-07 14:42:38

it smells a bit damp blush but seems to be OK. DH just rolled his eyes, and DS has been enjoying doing laps of the utility room...

geekgirl Sat 15-Sep-07 14:43:01

c'mon desiderata - what happened?

gibberish Sat 15-Sep-07 14:43:02

Don't decide to defrost the freezer, switch it off, leave the door wide open then go out for the morning. Came back after shopping today to find the room swimming in water hmm Can't believe there was so much of it!

KerryMum Sat 15-Sep-07 14:46:34

LL - you better throw some bleach in there as well. Blueberry notoriously difficult to get out.

Cammelia Sat 15-Sep-07 14:48:34

don't post on thread about swedish monarchy desi and then not elaborate

Meridian Sat 15-Sep-07 17:23:37

don't do a load of white sheets and accidentally leave the clean wet laundry in the washer while trying to find new kitten hiding in the garden, because said new kitten will make a lovely bed in the washer with lovely muddy paw prints everwhere. blush at least i didn't wash the cat.

WaynettaVonSlob Sat 15-Sep-07 17:28:34

Do not: Come down bleary eyed on a Saturday morning, open the fridge to get some orange juice from your new funky Tropicana fridge pack that has a tap on it (!!!), and instead fill your glass from the box next to it, which just happens to be filled with white wine grin

DO: count your lucky stars that you realised before you drank it........such a waste of wine though......

heifer Sat 15-Sep-07 17:30:07

Do not shake olbus oil onto your DD pillow then walk away and scratch your fanjo....

Possible the only time I had the hottest fanjo in the neighbourhood....

RibenaBerry Sat 15-Sep-07 17:35:12

Do not spend hours making lovely stock. Go to drain stock. Place colander in sink. Tip all stock straight down sink and stare, dumbfounded, at the pile of old bones and vegetables which is the reward for all your hard work.

mytwopenceworth Sat 15-Sep-07 17:36:28

Never assume that the little brown spot on your sofa is chocolate and employ the 'scrape-with finger-moisten-finger-with-quick-lick-scrape-with-finger-again' slovernly and disgusting but quick and effective method of removing small stain.

<<passes m2pw toothpaste, floss and mouthwash>>

Please tell us it was Marmite.

You may need to lie.

mytwopenceworth Sat 15-Sep-07 17:49:14

yeah, ahem, er, well, yes.. it was 'marmite'.

Do you have a second bottle of mouthwash?......

Here, try this absinthe.

Neverenough Sat 15-Sep-07 18:11:10

Eeewwww!
Reminds me of when DD ate sheep poo on Dartmoor.
I made DH ask the local microbiologist if we should worry.
He said no, but suggested that we might like to brush DD's teeth![dry retching emoticon]

*crying with laughter*

Oh it does me good to hear of others disasters

.......in a synpathetic rolling eyes non-judgemental way I hasten to add!!!

littlelapin Sat 15-Sep-07 18:44:25

What IS it about children, Dartmoor and sheep poo...

We might end up moving there so I guess it will become a dietary staple hmm

ElenyaTuesday Sat 15-Sep-07 18:45:26

In a similar (but not so grand) vein to Desi - do not ask that bloke and his wife standing on an overcrowded train if they are sure that they went through all of the First Class carriages looking for a seat because it will turn out that they are Viscount Linley and his wife who have sent someone else to look for seats for them.

BTW Desi - what did you say to the King of Sweden!?

Neverenough Sat 15-Sep-07 18:48:56

Sheep poo looks like maltesers!
On reflection it COULD have been rabbit poo-needed you there to do an ID LittleLapiin grin

Neverenough Sat 15-Sep-07 18:50:08

Ooh royalty-were VL and Sabrina (orwhateverhernameis) nice or too posh to chat, EL?

Neverenough Sat 15-Sep-07 18:51:52

Sorry meant ET not EL-got sidetracked by DD baying for food.

ROFL @ heifer!

Eat in a restaurant that asks you to pay on ordering (not a tom cobleigh type chain)
Eat in a restaurant whose wine list consists of "red or white"
Eat in a restaurant that pulls cork out without first removing foil

And whatever you do DO NOT eat in a restaurant that does all of the above....

bran Sat 15-Sep-07 18:53:56

Do not allow yourself to completely run out of food in the (eroneous) belief that an Ocado order will be delivered the following morning. When it fails to be delivered do check the date of the order before phoning Ocado in a strop to say the order is late only to be told that it's actually for the following week. blush

I don't know how I did that. The whole thing has thrown me more out of kilter than I would have thought possible, and we are about to run out of loo roll.

ElenyaTuesday Sat 15-Sep-07 18:58:22

Neverenough, Viscount Linley was perfectly polite - the wife didn't speak - I think he was a bit surprised that I had no idea who he was (I only realised after saying "Righty-oh, then" and marching off).........

ElenyaTuesday Sat 15-Sep-07 18:59:57

Oh, and as punishment for failing to recognise Viscount Linley, you will end up stuck opposite Peter Stringfellow for 3 hours...................

Neverenough Sat 15-Sep-07 19:04:44

ROFL ElenyaTuesday!

Mhamai Sat 15-Sep-07 19:07:44

Do not on meeting Michael Flatfoot Flatley tell him that you loved him in Lord of the Rings!

StarryStarryNight Sat 15-Sep-07 19:08:47

- Do NOT mistake tiger balm for chamois cream and apply to your bottom prior to long cycle rid. I can assure you, this is causing a much hotter bum and fanjo than ANYTHING else can...

- Do not flush toilet at the same time as your toddler throws his tootbrush in (and do not explain to your local friendly chemist what your child did that you had to come and buy another new toothbrush, in the airshot of a builder who will most certainly elaborate on what can or cannot pass down the toilet without causing blockage)



And Desi, I am muchos curiousus!

ElenyaTuesday Sat 15-Sep-07 19:12:28

LOL at Mhamai - Michael Flatley aka Gandalf!

Why won't Desi come back and tell us the story!!!!???????

Neverenough Sat 15-Sep-07 19:15:47

That reminds me of when DD-the same one who ate sheep poo, incidentally-helped DH make a curry.She decided to try some chilli..... She went to the loo and didn't wash her hands as I told her to.....DH roared! Poor DD!

harrisey Sat 15-Sep-07 19:27:36

Let go of the mixer, leaning it against the edge of the bowl, when mixing chocloate cake mix, to scratch your nose.

It went so far, my Dad mentioned it in his speech when I got married!!

Lio Sat 15-Sep-07 22:18:34

Borrowed from a friend's dh, but true nonetheless:

Do not trim stray thread on the knee of your jeans with the jigsaw (tool not toy) you are using at that moment. Unless you didn't like the jeans much. Or your knee. And love going to A&E.

Threadworm Sun 16-Sep-07 11:25:32

1. Kick your wellies off and leave them on their side in the yard
2. Forget about them for a few days
3. Start putting them on without bothering to wear socks
4. Press bare foot onto toad.

arfishy Sun 16-Sep-07 11:54:04

Notice that DP has drunkenly left 4 extra large red wine glasses to drain in the gap between the screen and window.

Snort at how drunk and stupid DP is and then close the window with force.

Shatter 4 glasses over the entire kitchen.

Hoover up cursing DP. Find splintered glass in obscure places for the next 4 hours. Tread on glass. Hobble about for 7 days (and counting) muttering obscenities.

madamez Sun 16-Sep-07 12:01:10

Do not: leave buying of gazebo for trading out of to artist associate who wil buy one with no feet.
Allow associates to wander off to beer tent at bike show leaving oneself and DS in sole charge of unstable gazebo.
When gazebo does blow over, do not double the number of obscenties that DS now knows and his happy to recite at loud volume...

lanismum Sun 16-Sep-07 12:42:25

When your street is closed off for a Hells Angels funeral, do not reverse over one of their signs in front of about 20 of them.
They will take the piss.

Do ; Carefuly extract hot casserole dish from oven wearing nice thick gloves.

Do Not; then proceed to strip off said protective gloves & try & take off (f-ing hot) lid with bare hand, dropping lid with great speed onto floor via your foot that has no shoe on thereby giving yourself a burnt AND crushed set of toes.


BIG ouch.....

littlelapin Sun 16-Sep-07 14:48:28

Do: remember to check downstairs loo after flooding upstairs bathroom

Don't: forget, and then find soaked loo rolls, bath mat, curtains and stinky standing water the next day when you are desperate *for a wee

MoosMa Sun 16-Sep-07 21:00:43

Do: Tie your shoe laces.

Don't: Pop out to put something in the bin at the other end of the garden in undone trainers, get spooked by a rustle in the bushes, run at full speed towards the house, lose one shoe, go faster than your feet, fall headlong on to the porch step. I am very scraped and very bruised

TerryStealthPolarBear Mon 17-Sep-07 07:12:29

pmsl
especially at toad and the king of sweden

adelicatequestion Mon 17-Sep-07 09:14:55

Just a few days after DD1 was born, I nipped into Sainsburys for some milk (DD was in car seat in the car with DH).

I paid with a £10 note and asked for cash back!

TerryStealthPolarBear Mon 17-Sep-07 09:16:36


I quite often pay cash then hover with my hand over the pin machine!

Hurlyburly Mon 17-Sep-07 09:21:19

Drive your car to work, forget that you had driven to work, get the train home, find the car missing and report it stolen.

Desiderata Mon 17-Sep-07 09:22:10

Ha ha ha! That's a corker, Hurley grin

do NOT make a flippant joke about Quakers just "because it is funny"
there is almost certainly bound to be a Quaker in the room. possibly two.

ShinyHappySchmooo Mon 17-Sep-07 09:31:30

Do not spray hair spray at your armpits mistaking it for deodorant (even if you ave a lovely crop of arm pit hair, presumably!)

Do not fall alseep giving a BJ. You will never hear the last of it.

Do not buy your kids bunk beds. You will soon be too old/fat/pregnant/unfit to get up there to change the sheets.

Stargazer Mon 17-Sep-07 09:32:13

Thank you - most enjoyable thread on here for a while. Now, dry eyes, clutch sore ribs and get back to the books.
grin

Kewcumber Mon 17-Sep-07 09:35:27

when you are young and foolish and smoke, do NOT..

drop match in to (full) ashtray and...
realise said match was still alight and...
panic that you are going to burn the pub down (it's fireproof ffs sake - its an ASHTRAY) and...
blow on the match to put it out.

UNLESS you like a fine coating of ash on your face and clothes.

CristinaTheAstonishing Mon 17-Sep-07 09:48:48

Fantastic thread. I loved the haka one and the stock going down the drain. I'd never be doing the first but can quite see myself gazing at the second.

Hurlyburly Mon 17-Sep-07 09:50:57

This thread is calling to me - wonder why?

Do not go to Sainsburys, spend ages doing a massive shop, put it all through the checkout, then rummage around in your bag for your purse only to find you've left your purse at home.

Threadworm Mon 17-Sep-07 09:53:55

Kewcumber's reminds me of this one:

Do not:
Teach your toddler son to whistle and then put a bowl of Ready Brek in front of him before you have added the milk...
...unless you enjoy flaked-porridge blizzards.

(Come to think of it, do not teach your children to whistle under any circumstances.)

Threadworm Mon 17-Sep-07 09:56:09

Do not:

Lock your back door on your way out of the house; exit through the front door without key, knowing that dh can let you in when you come home; return an hour later to find that dh and baby son are locked in back garden and their rescue will involve the whole street.

CatIsSleepy Mon 17-Sep-07 09:56:16

when going away for the weekend, do not forget to tell dh about the pile of fox poo that has appeared next to the compost bin...

because dh will take dd into the garden, and neglect to keep a close eye on her as he is talking on the phone...

and dd will have great fun smearing said fox poo all over her face, arms, and clothes

least I didn't have to clean her up though!

Cappuccino Mon 17-Sep-07 09:58:29

I watched the carefully prepared brandy and raspberry sauce disappear down the plughole so I did laugh very loud at the stock one

this one is dd's

do not look closely at the end of the garden hose spray and then squeeze the trigger

arf arf arf

Cappuccino Mon 17-Sep-07 09:59:31

pmsl at Threadworm

northstar Mon 17-Sep-07 10:05:15

When small ds shouts "muuuuum, there's little poos in the bath" DO NOT go into the bathroom in bare feetshock

Sidge Mon 17-Sep-07 10:19:09

Do not spend ten minutes helping patient who has had lower leg amputation get dressed, then spend another ten minutes looking for his second slipper.

Do not put contact lenses in eye that have been soaking in hydrogen peroxide without rinsing them first.

southutsire Mon 17-Sep-07 11:09:04

Do not blearily get in shower, tilt your head back to let the hot water stream over your face to wake you up, breathing in at the same time, thus filling your nose and throat with water and becoming unable to breathe for several seconds, panic and fall out of the shower banging funny bone and shin. All the time thinking how you really do not want to have it said of you at your funeral that you drowned because of inept showering.

kitbit Mon 17-Sep-07 11:28:58

do not: go skiing to lovely place having saved up for AGES and looked forward to it for EVER, unpack excitedly in chalet putting best funky boots ready for first night of après ski at end of bed, smile happily at them, go to bed after a few preliminary gin and tonics, get up for wee at 4am in strange room and blunder sleepily around for a bit before tripping over funky après ski boots and breaking wrist.

mumbleboo Mon 17-Sep-07 12:53:47

Do not let your father, who lives in a house with a whistling stove kettle, make the tea using your new electric kettle and the gas hob...
Do not give your 1 yr old child your engagement ring to look at while you change them, it will have an interesting journey over the next couple of days and the A&E doctor will laugh at you.
Do not see a gadget for making boiled eggs in the microwave, think i didn't know you could microwave boiled eggs, get home, put egg in microwave, open door after a minute, watch the egg jump about and realise you should have closed the door a second too late as it explodes all over you and the kitchen.

themoon66 Mon 17-Sep-07 13:01:16

Do not pick your nose when you have tabasco sauce on your finger.

RibenaBerry Mon 17-Sep-07 13:03:16

I am so glad my stock story struck a chord. I am still trying to convince DH that it was very easily done. He thinks I am losing my mind (which I might be as well...).

popmum Mon 17-Sep-07 13:15:11

ha RibenaBerry i did that on christmas day! doh. We had v. weak and rather tasteless turkey gravy last year....no doubt i'll do it again

MerryMarigold Mon 17-Sep-07 13:44:27

- Do not eat spicy chicken wings (of course, with fingers) and then forget you have done so 2 hours later, when you take contact lenses out. It doesn't matter how many times you wash your hands beforehand...

- Do not nip outside to admire your new car, pulling the front door closed, and then realise your house key is on the old set of car keys. Esepcially if you have baby asleep in the house and dh is working far away and nobody has a key.

- Do not create a new dessert called 'Raspberry Jelly with Murray Mints' and put the Murray Mints in the jelly with the wrappers still on. You will have to pick the wrappers out of your mouth in the middle of eating this culinary delight and your 10 year-old friend may have to go home feeling sick.

Babypod Mon 17-Sep-07 17:56:36

Do not brush your teeth with hair removal cream.
Do not work yourself up into a frenzy at having lost car key, trying to check all pockets and bag whist driving along in car!
: )

pyjamagirl Mon 17-Sep-07 18:04:19

Do not go on mumsnet whilst running a bath then 20 minutes later wonder why your hallway ceiling is raining blush

pyjamagirl Mon 17-Sep-07 18:05:51

Oh and do ever sit down on the loo before checking the seat when you have DC as mine like to decorate the seat with toothpaste

colgate stings your ladygarden blush

mummydood Mon 17-Sep-07 19:48:45

do not attempt to make gravy in pyrex dish on gas hob unless you really do want your kitchen redecorated with a brown speckled effect (and big chunks of glass)was adding the cold water that did it!

Pan Mon 17-Sep-07 20:02:15

Do NOT leave surgical spirits bottle beside the mouthwash bottle, when they look remarkably similar........ewwwwwwwwww.blush

Pan Mon 17-Sep-07 20:04:44

Do NOT pull up on your motorbike, looking all James Dean in front of your girlfriend,...and then step off it without putting the peg down first.blush.

Pan Mon 17-Sep-07 20:08:52

Do NOT swop your car with a mechanic mate whilst he works on yours, drive to supermarket, look for your car on leaving, enlist help of staff to search for it, accuse them (jokingly) of hiding it for amusement sake, then remember what had ocurred...and have to tell them...blush

Pan Mon 17-Sep-07 20:09:22

Do NOT....oh forget it!grin

cocolepew Mon 17-Sep-07 20:19:55

Do; always wear slippers/shoes/steeltoecapped boots at all times.

Don't; go out in the dark to see why dog is barking and kick football out off way. It was a hedgehog.blush

HairyToe Mon 17-Sep-07 20:32:57

Do not go out into the back garden to hang out the washing leaving your 2 year old in the kitchen and the back door key in the lock. Cue said 2 year old laughing hysterically and waving while one panicking Mummy shouts instructions through the now locked back door.

She let me in eventually.

HairyToe Mon 17-Sep-07 20:36:45

From my student days... whilst preparing to move house do not do a half-arsed job of packing up your stuff including putting all your shoes (and best doc marten boots) in a black bin liner. DO not then also decide to empty the bins and put the rubbish out. Do not then move all packed up belongings in car to new house, before going off on holiday with boyfriend for a week. On returning to new house to unpack belongings stare in wonder at the black bin liner of mouldy old kitchen rubbish which you seem to have brought with you and wonder where all your precious footwear has gone.

Blandmum Mon 17-Sep-07 20:39:15

In your post baby, no sleep, feeling like death phase DO NOT put anusol on your post baby piles without putting the light on in the bathroom first.

You may well pick up the Bonjela tube by mistake. By Damn but it bloody stung! Quite took my mind off the pain of my piles! shock

reevie Mon 17-Sep-07 21:00:48

When on your period, do not hold you nose during a massive sneeze when wearing a thong (t'was long ago) and light, baggy summer trousers while walking in a busy London street. Believe me when I say you may cause a large internal implosion resulting in your tampon leaving your vag at the speed of light and shooting out of your right trouser leg. It will cause much amsement and disgust to group of Brixton schoolboys and intense embarrassment to you.

Habbibu Mon 17-Sep-07 21:11:05

Do not: change baby's nappy in living room, put filthy nappy and wipes into plastic bag, wander off into kitchen to wash hands, get distracted by half a satsuma on the table, return to find unattended 10 month old happily playing with a plastic bag and lumps of shit all over the carpet. Oh God, please don't call social services...

lemonaid Mon 17-Sep-07 21:29:15

In similar vein to Babypod, do not brush your teeth with nappy rash cream.

Wallace Mon 17-Sep-07 21:44:18

PMSL at all of thesegrin

lol sidge at second slipper grin

madamez Mon 17-Sep-07 21:44:41

Do not, if a smoker, casually rootle around in your shoulder bag for matches while talking round the fag in your mouth in a moderately sophisticated (or so you think) sort of way, and whip out what you have deduced by mere touch to be the book of matches with the name of the impressive club on it. At least, don't do that when what you've actually pulled out of your bag is a packet of condoms.

RosaLuxembourg Mon 17-Sep-07 21:46:22

On finding yourself one windy evening a few minutes early to meet your friends at the cinema, do not stop in a doorway to light a cigarette which then sets fire to your long floppy fringe. You will look extremely stupid hopping around in the street attempting to put the fire out with your woolly gloves. Your friends will have to perform emergency surgery on your hair in the ladies with a pair of blunt nail scissors and everyone in the cinema will wonder about the horrible smell of singed hair.
(This was many years ago and I haven't had a cigarette for at least 10 years now)

stressteddy Mon 17-Sep-07 21:50:17

In similar vein to madamez - do not rush into a meeting and grab diary out of bag to find panty pad stuck to sleeve of jacket - joy!

stressteddy Mon 17-Sep-07 21:50:50

That's jacket on arm not jacket on diary!

post on a bum sex thread in my post name not the fake one i thought i had hmm

Ponka Mon 17-Sep-07 21:53:13

Do not buy a rape alarm for the first time, take it to a crowded restaurant in town with people you have only just met and then nervously fiddle with it whilst you're talking to everyone.

Once you have set the thing off (and my god, they are loud), do not faff around for ages whilst the whole restaurant is staring at you. Do not then run out of the restaurant with your hands over your head like a mad lunatic, jump up and down on it on the pavement outside to make it shut up then throw it in the fountain when it doesn't just to get rid of the damn thing. blush

I've never bought another one since but the people I was sitting with obviously didn't mind because 10 years on, some are now my best mates.

hi ponka

Ponka Mon 17-Sep-07 22:14:26

Hi. You didn't, did you?! grin. That's a sort of "UCM, is that you?" situation, then.

Must sort swimming. I'm a lazy arse, sometimes.

AuntJetPetunia Mon 17-Sep-07 22:20:25

If you should buy a spray can of antique white paint to "jazz up" (!) your old light fittings, the kind that requires you to insert a flat head screwdriver and break the plastic seal at the top, DO NOT just try to break the seal by stabbing at it with a cross head screwdriver, as you may well accidently pierce the can and cover the kitchen cabinets, sink, hob, floor and ceiling (not to mention 19m DD) in antique white paint.

littlelapin Mon 17-Sep-07 22:35:39

Do not tell DH you need to do "some work" on the laptop, come on MN and read the Stupidity thread you started... DH will give you a sardonic look and remark on how nice it is that your job makes you cackle hysterically, point at the screen with your hand over your mouth, and cry with laughter... blush

DO- have a nice civilised game of "I-Spy" whilst waiting in the restaurant for your meal with the kids.

DON'T- gesticulate with hand knocking half-full glass of red wine(dammit)all over DD2 who is wearing her very favouritist t-shirt & trousers -gulp-

silkcushion Mon 17-Sep-07 22:55:02

well I'm very glad you started it LL cos I have laughed so much in ages - should have been in bed hours ago

MamaMaiasaura Mon 17-Sep-07 22:58:59

Never pet a burning dog is always a good one

PigeonPie Mon 17-Sep-07 23:00:18

Do not whisk egg whites for merangue with Braun handblender whisk and forget to turn it off before removing it from said egg whites - twice... Kitchen now has a speckledy white artexy finish.

littlelapin Mon 17-Sep-07 23:05:39

Do not get very drunk at a party, get involved in a massive running food fight, decide to win by turning the garden hose on your opponent while he is standing in the kitchen... and then remember that the party is at your house!

TheArmadillo Mon 17-Sep-07 23:06:02

when you get a new food processor which has extremely sharp blades, never forget and pile all processor accessories in arms to put them away. Particularly don't do this when you have been off uni ill for a while and have to go back with a huge scar which looks like you have tried to slit your wrist.

Never fall out the back door naked into a bucket of water and bugger up your ankle so you can't get up, and have to yell for dp, alerting all the neighbours to your plight at same time.

If you are ever freaked out that you might have jumped several years into future (don't ask) never admit this to your dp when you phone up to check the year.

moondog Mon 17-Sep-07 23:20:38

Reevie,that is just the funniest thnig i have ever heard.
Did you emigrate immediately afterwards?

grin

do not attempt to pick up a wine glass with chopsticks, to demonstrate your prowess with said intruments

MissusH Mon 17-Sep-07 23:52:06

please help me - I think I'm having a seizure due to excessive guffawing, and I think a contact lens has floated away grin

Here's one I did in my foolish youth...

Do not: saunter out to car to fetch a cd while wearing huge comedy cow slippers (with a work suit), spot uber-handsome chap from across the road, leg it up the garden path to avoid embarrassing comedy cow slipper encounter, trip over comedy cow slippers, fall flat on your face onto the edge of the step, take chunk out of knee, break nose and hobble sniffling into the house trying to be brave.

DO - wear sunglasses the next time you venture out to disguise black eyes caused by broken nose, and to hide the shame....

Hurlyburly Tue 18-Sep-07 00:00:24

Rofl at wineglasses with chopsticks. How absurd, Also broken nose funny too

moondog Tue 18-Sep-07 08:15:25

lmao Missus

Nemo2007 Tue 18-Sep-07 08:17:09

ohhh I have one

DO NOT
wake up at 4am with a cold and decide to take a night time cold and flu tablet even though you know you have to get up at 6amhmm

Did this last week and to say I was zombied would be an understatement...DC had a practically horizontal mummy!!!

beautifulgirls Tue 18-Sep-07 09:36:15

Do Not....


Leave a box of tampons by the toilet and then leave your 3 year old to supervise the 17 month old when the little once follows her in there. Fun and games were rife and there up until the point mummy came in grin

Note to self - buy more tampons.

sally4th Tue 18-Sep-07 10:41:56

loving this thread

i guess another could be:
DO NOT expect sympathy from DP for experiencing any of these.........

frogs Tue 18-Sep-07 10:53:33

[One for the Dads, this]:

Do not make a pan of mocha for yourself without warning your other half so that she can avoid giving your 2yo a comforting cup of bedtime cocoa that actually contains the equivalent of a double espresso.

Do not compound the offence next morning by explaining to nursery at length why your child has such a terrible caffeine hangover and how he was still bouncing off the ceiling at midnight.

theslownorris Tue 18-Sep-07 10:54:20

Do not attempt to eradicate ants at 6.30am by spraying ant-killer in the gap under the cupboard next to the boiler. Cue pilot light igniting the aerosol spray and setting fire to the rubbish underneath said cupboard blush and setting off smoke alarms.
(Fortunately it was easily extinguished and no emergency services were involved grin)

littlelapin Tue 18-Sep-07 14:06:39

You lot are hazardous! grin

Sixofone Tue 18-Sep-07 14:12:12

Do not walk huffily round Next, glaring at the shop assistants who seem to be following you as if you are some kind of shoplifter just because you are pushing a buggy, and then walk outside after paying to find that your darling dd has pulled a pack of tights off the rack and is sitting on them grin

RosaLuxembourg Tue 18-Sep-07 14:21:01

Do you feel better about the blackberries now LL? Clearly, it could have been a lot worse...

hellish Tue 18-Sep-07 14:22:27

Do not, if extremely drunk and a student, feel too lazy to go to the toilet and attempt to wee in a pint glass which is handily nearby. It will overflow

And half way through the night, as you snooze and dribble into your books, you will awaken, all dehydrated, and drink it..

hellish Tue 18-Sep-07 14:25:29

Shiny - you were there grin

SoMuchToBits Tue 18-Sep-07 15:51:35

Similar to cocolepew -

Do not go outside in the dark to put rubbish in the bin, spot a small lump of something which you obviously dropped, and attempt to pick it up - it will be a hedgehog - OUCH!

Also do not do a sudoku puzzle while waiting for the potatoes to boil - they will boil dry and burn the pan blush

stleger Tue 18-Sep-07 15:58:05

Don't ask someone what time it is when they are holding a yoghurt - unless you have the Kim and Aggie cleaning bible nearby.

Notyummy Tue 18-Sep-07 15:58:19

Do not:

Put some soup on to heat up.....

Put a wooden spoon in it, and then place bowl on top to heat it up so soup can be served in piping hot receptacle....

Some time later (after soup has been boiling for ages because you were distracted by Americas Next Top Model)...

Return to soup, pick up bowl with bare hands, scream because it is BOILING, drop it on to wooden spoon in pan, flicking said soup (tomato, of course)EVERYWHERE including all over kitchen, on clothes and over face

Spend time crying over sink whilst trying to stick head under cold tap because of 3rd degree burns.

PMSL
Never pet a burning dog????
stleger - I am that person with a yoghurt (or cup of coffee!)

Slubberdegullion Tue 18-Sep-07 17:10:37

Do not allow your children to wear their commode seat potty as a hat. It will get stuck.

Do not then pour half a bottle of fancy and horribly expensive olive oil on childs head in an attempt to aide the removal of potty from said head.

When emergency call out friend suggests chocolate to help control the situation, give chocolate to child to eat, do not smear chocolate on childs head.

Slubberdegullion Tue 18-Sep-07 17:13:04

Oh and great thread LL. pmsl at some of these esp toad in boot.

mrsmalumbas Tue 18-Sep-07 17:13:55

Do not test an iron to see if it is hot by applying it to your cheek.

MyEye Tue 18-Sep-07 17:18:50

Do not put Bazuka on your mouth ulcer

mrsmalumbas Tue 18-Sep-07 17:24:06

Do not use narrow stemmed wine glasses for tequila slammers.

Squiffy Tue 18-Sep-07 17:31:50

When playing Trivial Pursuit with a whole coachload of colleagues and when one of your fellow players correctly answers that Picasso was indeed the forefather of Cubism, do not in a loud voice proclaim "I never knew he was from Cuba"

It happened 18 years ago and I still blush at the memory

Blu Tue 18-Sep-07 17:32:44

When conducting an illicit relationship (Disclaimer: no adultery or parents of childreninvolved!)in a low-rent hotel full of collegues do not
Undress in lovers room and then dash to bathroom
Bang on wall to summon lover when you can't get shower to work
Find that (also naked) lovers door has slammed behind him, locking your clothes, with your room key in your pocket in his room.
Thus leaving you both locked, naked, out of your rooms.

And more recently:

Do not use your child's car seat in the taxi for the journey to the airport for your holiday...which involves driving a relatives car all round an island where you simply can't buy a car seat...and then realise at check-in that the car seat is still in the taxi.

Oh, how my life has changed!

ElenyaTuesday Tue 18-Sep-07 17:36:50

Do not - I repeat, do not!! - swerve suddenly out of the path of that man walking towards you and give him a look that screams "Who are you? Why are you walking directly towards me? You are obviously a maniac who is going to attack me!"












because he will inevitably be your brother-in-law and he will never let you forget it................

Raggydoll Tue 18-Sep-07 17:37:17

Do not struggle endlessly trying to pull forward front passneger seat in a 3 door car to be then told by you bf it is a 5 door blush.

madamez Tue 18-Sep-07 17:38:42

I'm just crying at this thread every time I look... DOn't stop, ladies, don't stop.

Oh, and as an afterthought... Do not, after being annoyed by lots of stupid wrong numbers and people trying to sell you things, answer the next phone call by sneezing ferociously into the reciever and then going 'Oh, fuck, snot everywhere. ANd what do you want?'. It will be the person you fancy (and haven't heard from in weeks, hence bad temper) ringing this time.

daydreambeliever Tue 18-Sep-07 17:44:15

DO NOT bump into new friends husband at Spa after friend and her family have been away on holiday, and say, "great, tell <friend> I'm back.....no, tell her she's back....no, she knows that.....great, she's back, thanks for telling me...." and go very red and stammer.....and make friends husband think you fancy him......when you really, honestly, dont. No I dont, but I bet he thinks I do now.

theslownorris Tue 18-Sep-07 17:57:08

Do not
underestimate the size of your pregnant belly when expecting twins and try to squeeze into one of those fixed seats/tables at a fast food restaurant. You will seriously embarras your 7yo dd and terrify an innocent MD's worker, who will have visions of having to call the fire brigade and a midwife.

tigerschick Tue 18-Sep-07 17:58:53

Do not go to the wheelie bin with rubbish from the car (tissues, old pay-and-display tickets etc) in one hand and the car/house keys in the other. You will drop the keys instead of the rubbish leaving you locked out with your keys at the bottom of a very sticky bin meaning that you have to tip it up to get keys out ...

Do not tip a half full wheelie bin upside-down on the front lawn without making sure you are tipping it onto the lid only!

ROFL at this thread - thanks LL smile

On the way to job interviews be sure not to cut up and then swear at cross looking lady with face like bulldog. She will turn out to be your new boss who will stalk you for the next five years looking for excuses to make you redundant.

And following on from Tigerschick - do not use a blue recycling box to stand on to look into the bin to retrieve said keys if it is less than half full. When the box tips (and it will) you will pitch head first into week old trash and to make it worse it's very hard to get out and your DH will piss himself laughing at the sight of your madly wiggling legs.

ScruffyTeddy Tue 18-Sep-07 18:06:03

After decorating, do not clean up plaster/filler dust with your hoover, for nearing an hour as it billows out of the vents with gusto, while sweat pours out of you. Do not stare at hoover in amazement, and start swearing that the world is out to get you, that you cant go on, your home will never be clean again, have a mini tantrum, kick the hoover and give up.

Do not then open it up for further inspection to find that you neglected to put a bag in first.

Slubberdegullion Tue 18-Sep-07 18:14:18

lol ScruffyTeddy, I've done that too.

In the same vein, do not try to construct Dyson Hoover in a mad panic hurry with two small toddlers as your assistants.

If something does not seem to fit, do not repeatedly jam it down as hard as you can with your foot, it is more than likely that you have put the syphillitic extender pole jobby on upside down.

To rectify situation do weep copiously down the phone to the Dyson helpline man (he will recommend you sit down and have a nice cup of tea and send you out a new one).

ju Tue 18-Sep-07 18:22:32

Rofl

Here's mine:

Do not wear frock with Nell Gwynne neckline to play percussion in Orchestra or you will bend down to pick up cymbal sticks and hook big bass drum to front of bra, thus dislodging music from stand which will fly gently across the stage to land at Maestro's feet.

pyjamagirl Tue 18-Sep-07 18:22:53

Do not get out of bed and look out of the window without your glasses on then dont scraem down to DP to lock all the doors quick cos there is a bear on the garden

(it was a very large dog)

Also on the same subject of not wearing glasses dont drink a bottle of wine then proceed to freak out cos you think the grim reaper is stood on the roof of the house across the road
They had got a new ariel fitted to their chimney it did (still does look like the grim reaper though)

Last one dont have a row with your crazy mad neighbour then have a stare out match with him as you think he 's got a bloody cheek staring into your bedroom window from his front garden after 2 hours Dp kindly pointed out it was the madmans son's inflatable dinosaur staring at me not teh actual madman
blush

I should probably go to specsavers

Niecie Tue 18-Sep-07 18:31:06

Don't go into a garage all confident, telling them that you booked your car in for a new exhaust and then argue with them when they say they have never heard of you. You have booked it in with the garage round the corner and yes, they were smirking when you sidled out of the door, clutching ds's carseat (not much chance of a dignified exit).

Niecie Tue 18-Sep-07 18:44:39

Don't try to recapture your childhood by joining your children on the slide. You no longer have the butt of a child and you won't fit!! You will then have the indignity of trying to go down on your side very very slowly whilst looking like that is what you meant to do all along.

Threadworm Tue 18-Sep-07 18:53:30

Do not, when at Centreparcs, breeze noisily into completely the wrong chalet, while family-eating-its-dinner looks on politely and slightly unnerved.

littlelapin Tue 18-Sep-07 18:54:35

I love you all grin

brandnewhelsy Tue 18-Sep-07 18:55:52

Do not, when calling your mate, launch into "you looked a bit p*ssed off today, fancy coming out for a quick pint later tonight?" BEFORE making sure you have the right number - just in case the very elderly sounding lady on the other end of the phone doesn't fancy a point (just done that).

newgirl Tue 18-Sep-07 18:56:30

reevie - is that actually possible?!!!

gibberish Tue 18-Sep-07 18:58:19

LMAO ju!!! Bet you got a standing ovation for that! grin These are so fab!

cocolepew Tue 18-Sep-07 19:11:11

Do not: walk towards that woman you know in Woolies and end up grinning like a pillock into a mirror.

Do not: waft your nice, new dressing gown around your nice, new boyfriend as he lights up the after nookie cig. You will catch fire.

This happened to someone I worked with, whose husband was a minister. Do not: visit someone on their deathbed, on Christmas Day, wearing new socks. When you cross your legs they will play a medley of Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer and We Wish You A Merry Christmas.

aardvarktwo Tue 18-Sep-07 19:35:50

DO not spray your buggy wheels with WD40 as they are a bit squeaky and then embark on a three hour car journey with the buggy in the car.

The headaches last for the next week.

gibberish Tue 18-Sep-07 19:40:17

Do not take off the pinny thing that your home hairdresser has put round you whilst you had your hair cut, and of which has sentimental value as was the first one she ever had when she started training 12 years ago, and chuck it on the gas cooker. Which you forgot to switch off 2 hours previously. Which then sets the pinny alight and because it is polyester melts all over the cooker and worktops and is almost impossible to scrape off.

mummydood Tue 18-Sep-07 20:06:25

Do not walk barefoot about your house in the dark when you have yet to housetrain your new puppy - squelch! shock

Also do not feed sticky golden syrup to hamster - his paws will stick to his whiskers as he tries to clean them and he will then fall over. (please don't tell the RSPCA, I was only 8 and my big sis told me that hamsters liked syrup!)sad

LucyJones Tue 18-Sep-07 20:17:14

Do not apply facial hair remover when you are drunk at midnight and there is a small chance your college room mate might barge into your room blush

She still goes on to this day about the time I was so drunk I covered toothpaste all round my mouth grin

Do not allow a 17month old to wander around house naked whilst you super quickly run after her with a nappy.

After bathing her a second time, do not allow her to run nappyless again thinking 'ah well, its all out now'.

After the third bath of the morning, do not make the the same mistake of thinking 'she really can't have any more left inside her now'.

Ooops. Rubbish parenting skills.

Lio Tue 18-Sep-07 20:52:24

So should we collectively take a bow or save up for therapy? grin

plainsailing Tue 18-Sep-07 20:55:23

(Long time ago) DO NOT, as super-cool teenager having just taken up smoking, stub out your cigarette on a piece of PAPER held in other hand, because you will burn said hand and no longer look cool in front of work colleagues.blush

ROFL at mental image of your poor hamster, mummydood...

Do not: allow your GC to let their new kittens out of their box when they stop at your house for 20mins on the way home - especially when your DD (their DM) has made a point of telling you all not to.

I was 10 at the time but I do remember being impressed that Grandma was as scared of what DM would say when she got back to find us one kitten down as I was... the entire neighbourhood was on alert by the time said kitten woke up from her snooze (she was behind the books on the bookcase FGS!)

beansprout Tue 18-Sep-07 20:59:57

Do not assume that male colleagues at work will have a neutral, indifferent response to you telling them that you had a dream about them last night, no matter how innocuous the dream was.

Do not go near MN when you promised yourself you would be in bed by now in order to get up hideously early tomorrow.

bohemianbint Tue 18-Sep-07 21:03:33

Do not stick pant liner on upside down. <ouch>

MissusH Tue 18-Sep-07 21:06:45

LMAO at all these - and we are meant to be the responsible adults grin

Blandmum Tue 18-Sep-07 21:12:28

Do Not leave your works provded Rape Alarm to rattle loose in your bag, and then wonder why that funny alarm sound is following you down the road and into the office blush

bran Tue 18-Sep-07 21:12:59

Don't nip into the kitchen in underwear and a very short t-shirt to get your clothes from the airer when there has been a notice about maintenance work on the balconys (balconies?) in the lobby for at least a week. blush Fortunately the man in the cherry picker was operating the controls at the time and hopefully didn't get more than a fleeting glimpse.

Califrau Tue 18-Sep-07 21:13:16

DO NOT put your bent finger into an inkwell to see if it fits. It does but it expands as you try and remove it this wedging your finger in firmly and then gets tighter as the finger starts to swell and then 2 caretakers have to be summonned to remove the finger by flooding the inkwell with washing up liquid. Just take my word for it.

My dad would probably advise that you DO NOT forget that yuo are cooking butterbeans in the pressure cooker. If you do they will eventally explode in a pebbledash fountain out of the spout and the resulting artex can never be removed.

Califrau Tue 18-Sep-07 21:14:38

another from my dad - do not by a watch with a musical alarm unless you know how to turn the sodding thing off. HE was stuck with teh yellow rose of texas blaring from his wrist on a training course (he was teh trainer) and eventually had to go and lock his watch in teh car!

gibberish Tue 18-Sep-07 21:16:20

My mum did that with her pressure cooker Califrau grin

Blandmum Tue 18-Sep-07 21:16:47

Do not set off a mouse trap with your finger to see it it hurts!

It bloody hurts!

littlerach Tue 18-Sep-07 21:20:43

Pyjamagirl, do not get out of bed (without glasses on), stare out side, look into next door's garden and scream at DH to "Tell them there's a deer wiuth a rabbit in it's mouth in their garden".
It is guaranteed to be a red setter with a ball.

Do not then expect DH to keep stum on this, and to not tell the whole village, when we have only lived here for 2 months.

gibberish Tue 18-Sep-07 21:21:46

After going up an icy hill and saying 'Good maaawning' in a put-on posh voice to a passing very posh man, do NOT link your arm through your mother's arm and then both jam your hands tight in your coat pockets, then slip, pull your mother down with you and roll over and over each other back down the hill, finally landing at the feet of the very posh man.

Do not call your boss 'love' 'darling' or 'sweetie'. Especially in a meeting.

Blandmum Tue 18-Sep-07 21:25:42

Do not jump out of bed, tread in cat shit, clear it off foot and return to bed without first checking that you'd got all the shit in your clearing up!

Gag!

Blandmum Tue 18-Sep-07 21:28:30

Do not walk vigorously along the road, absorbed in your radio and not notice the huge mound of dig shit in front of you.

If You are stupid enough to do this, at least try to manage to stay upright as you skid in the shit.

Don't skid in it, and then fall in it, and do so at the feet of a drop dead gorgious bloke. Who will pick you up, and then drop you again, when he realises how bad you smell.

madamez Tue 18-Sep-07 21:30:50

Do NOT read the latest postings on this thread just before setting off to collect DS from nursery. As you will remember all the choicest bits and cackle insanely all the way up the hill. And get looked at by passing cars.

I will try not to do that.

ravenAK Tue 18-Sep-07 21:33:19

Do not come home pissed & decide to soak foundation-applying sponge in pint glass of hot water & shampoo, because it's looking a bit grubby.

Having done this, do not then wake up, still pissed, with raging thirst, congratulate yourself on leaving nice glass of orange squash so sensibly to hand to combat hangover dehydration/low sugar, & down in one...

ElenyaTuesday Tue 18-Sep-07 22:46:30

Do not try to boil an egg in the kettle - it will explode..........

littlelapin Tue 18-Sep-07 22:48:53

One from my ex...

Do not, after a massive snowfall, decide to drunkenly jump from the second floor balcony of your frat house into the huge snowdrift outside. You will land on the handlebars of a hidden bike, breaking your ankle, and your English girlfriend will have to drive you to the hospital because she is the only sober person there (also the only person without a driving license!) She will be Cross.

littlelapin Tue 18-Sep-07 22:49:32

ooh, that's second in the American context - ie first. The one above ground.

Twiglett Tue 18-Sep-07 22:49:57

Do not send an email to the Headmaster of your DS's school, and sign it Love Twiglett blush

FrannyandZooey Tue 18-Sep-07 22:51:41

Do not buy an £8 book on economics (to show off to dp who has just made rude remark about you reading 'fluff') and attempt to pay for it with five pound note which is all you have in your purse

AeFondKiss Tue 18-Sep-07 23:07:34

brilliant thread

AeFondKiss Tue 18-Sep-07 23:17:49

do not drop needles on carpets,

don't then put hand cream on

don't then stand on threaded needle, eye end into the foot

especially when there is no-one around to help extricate said needle...

littlelapin Tue 18-Sep-07 23:22:23

Ouch!

Twiglett - nooo - did you actually put "Twiglett", as that would be hilarious grin

dyzzidi Tue 18-Sep-07 23:24:17

Do not walk along the promenade eating an icecream cone whilst wafting away a wasp.

DO not peer down your cone wondering where you icecream has gone , when the lady walking in front of you has your icecream flicked all up her back in a huge line.

Dh could not understand why I was laughing and she never noticed it and i ducked into a store to evade capture.

VeniVidiVickiQV Tue 18-Sep-07 23:53:38

dyzzidi...that is the funniest post on this thread grin

<note to self: dont read funny MN threads whilst scoffing biscuits as you may be at risk of choking having inhaled a biscuit whilst chuckling heartily>

VeniVidiVickiQV Wed 19-Sep-07 00:01:16

I have a few...

DONT trip UP the stairs whilst holding a cup of tea in each hand.....

Dont line up 3 cups of freshly made tea on the outside kitchen windowsill for visitors sat in the garden, only to go inside and open the kitchen window to get some air flowing through the house....

Dont fall asleep on a train, and whilst at its quietest point, stopped at a station suddenly go "uuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhh" in your sleep, so loud that it wakes you up, and makes the man sat next to you think you are mental and change seats....blush

Dont fall asleep on a train and dribble down your own cleavage

Dont light a cigarette, then lean against a balcony rail and try and rest your chin on your hands.......

sallystrawberry Wed 19-Sep-07 00:20:42

Do not go out of the house wearing odd shoes as I did yesterday

ju Wed 19-Sep-07 00:27:29

Top thread LL.

Wish I'd thought of it <jealous flounce>

But not actually flouncing <needy>

hunkermunker Wed 19-Sep-07 00:32:51

Another classic thread in chat, ladies... Honestly!

Do not...wash your bra-strap-length hair and go out with it wet on a frosty night.

The "person" that taps you on the shoulder as you're walking up a dark road and makes you screech and v nearly wet your pants will, in fact, be your hair, in the form of an icicle.

Roskva Wed 19-Sep-07 00:37:20

Here are a few more:

Don't sneeze when reversing into a parking space as your foot will go down on the accelerator very hard blush

Don't rush into the first public loo you come across just because you are running with your legs crossed in agony and your eyes are watering from the effort of holding it in. You will walk out of the cubicle and discover you are actually in the gents'

Don't assume your recalcitrant dog who was madly pulling in the other direction has suddenly decided to follow you meekly as you push the buggy while having a fight with dd about her trying to take her socks off. You will eventually look down and realise that you are trailing a collar at the end of the lead and the dog has buggered off in the opposite direction. Dog does not come when called, but you know he will do anything for a doggy treat known in this house as "yum yums". So you are stood there yelling "yum yum" loudly just as your friend's dh comes round the corner. Dog then appears with what can only be described as a grin on his little canine face.

rofl at everyone else's contributions

JeremyVile Wed 19-Sep-07 00:40:18

Do NOT, 3 days into new job, go to the loo as everyone is leaving the office for the day.

Do NOT place ANY importance on the fact that your new boss usually stays behind after everyone else.

And do NOT expect anything but hoots of laughter from the local police and fireman when you call to politely request their assistance.

(Do NOT go back to new job).

Roskva Wed 19-Sep-07 00:47:37

When staying in a hotel, especially when returning inebriated after a party, do not shut the door behind you when you inevitably have to get up in the night until you are certain that you are in the bathroom and not in the corridor. Because it is not safe to assume that your equally inebriated partner will hear you knocking desperatly at the door, or can find the door to open it. The people in the next room will, however, and they will call the night manager....

Oh the joys of running a hotel - dh was the night manager in question, by the way, not the chap in the corridor wearing very little grin

hellish Wed 19-Sep-07 02:33:09

Do not, when grasping at straws having lost your purse, decide you must have posted it whilst posting letters and wait for 2 hours by the post box.
And do not, when postman arrives insist that he search through post box even though purse is actually at home in the bin.

mamama Wed 19-Sep-07 04:46:40

Do NOT get obscenely drunk, pass out completely naked in your hotel room and then get up in the middle of the night to use the loo and close the 'bathroom' door behind you without checking where you are. You may realize you have just peed in the waste paper basket in the corridor and are locked out of your room. Your pounding on the door is unlikely to wake your roommate but will disturb the neighbours who will call the night manager who, having watched this on the security camera, will wait downstairs for you to appear at the frontdesk, suddenly sobered and rather sheepish, asking to be let back in to your room. Said manager may then take great delight in reminding you of the incident the following day. (This did not happen to me btw, it was a friend)

And, a la reevie, do not forget to replace a tampon especially if you wearing a lovely new thong and pale coloured capris. You WILL regret it blush

ghosty Wed 19-Sep-07 04:58:33

DO NOT decide to be cool and take part in your son's 40 minute parents vs children soccer match, playing in the striker position and being goalie for the penalty shoot out, when you have done no real exercise for over 8 years -
You will either die or be in pain for very very many days ...
<<still limping and whimpering with each step sad>>

Twiglett Wed 19-Sep-07 06:53:44

Do not, whilst heavily pregnant, carry a bowl of ice cream AND a laptop into the living room. For should you be unable to hold both and with a split second to decide which one is going to fall, your DH will not be best pleased that you chose to drop the laptop instead of the ice cream

ggglimpopo Wed 19-Sep-07 07:08:58

Do not drunkenly flick used condom to one side and fall asleep after the act. You will find it stuck to your briefcase at 7.30 am the following morning, whilst strap-hanging on the circle line.

Not me, but a very good friend wink

Egypt Wed 19-Sep-07 07:33:39

do not pour boiling water in avent bottle and decide to shake vigourously to give it a clean. you will end up in a&e.

Twiglett Wed 19-Sep-07 07:38:11

<gosh Egypt .. haven't seen you around for ages .. or have we been ships that pass in the night? ... how ya been>

littlelapin Wed 19-Sep-07 08:15:17

euuuugh, ggg, and I thought you were such a nice girl! shock

mamama and Roskva...am I missing something?
Do not start cooking your breakfast and then read these - unless you like your toast well done

also lol at the number of people claiming theirs happened to a 'friend' hmm

Squiffy Wed 19-Sep-07 09:01:11

One from DH's single days: when new girlfriend sneaks you in to her family home, DO remember which bedroom is hers after going to the toilet, DO NOT choose the wrong room and end up climbing into bed with her 10 yr old brother. Her parents will not be sympathetic when he screams.

TheArmadillo Wed 19-Sep-07 10:06:33

whenyour friend decides to play a 'hilarious' drunken game that involves sticking the circle bit (Designed to attach to windows) of a toy, to your forehead before swinging it around till it flies off, don't join in. YOu are guaranteed to be the one for whom it doesn't come off - leading to three of your friends all trying to pull it off an dending with a huge circular bruise in the middle of your forehead which you cannot hide.

Don't assume your friends will not tell everyone you know until said bruise disappears.

NEver light a fag off the cooker - no matter how careful you are you will always set your hair alight. People will lose sympathy and start openly mocking after the first time.

MrsBadger Wed 19-Sep-07 10:09:20

do not read this thread at 5am trying to settle an overtired newborn
you will snort with laughter and waker her up, neccessitating a further hour bouncing on the gym ball

[bleary]

BocoCoAndABottleOfRum Wed 19-Sep-07 10:12:53

When getting out of a truck, make sure that you're stepping directly onto road, and not thin air followed by bottom of ditch.

BocoCoAndABottleOfRum Wed 19-Sep-07 10:18:13

When going for spontaneous first kiss of new date, make sure he hasn't rolled his car window up first as face / glass impact with puckered lips is both painful and ridiculous, and can bring sudden halt to burgeoning new relationship.

<<sob>>

ggglimpopo Wed 19-Sep-07 10:20:31

Do not, in misspent youth, go to a fancy dress party as Snow White. Do not then drink too much and not realise that 7 identically dressed 'dwarves' attended the party, not just your date. Do not put down 'double dwarf vision' to pimms intake and just choose randomly each one.

Do nothing to repair reputation. Move.

BocoCoAndABottleOfRum Wed 19-Sep-07 10:21:12

Oh and this one still makes me die a little every time i think about it..

When on the underground and concentrating on which stop to get off - make sure that it IS the armrest you have your hand on, and not the knee of the handsome and terrified man to your left.

I'd wondered for 3 stops why all his friends were laughing, and it wasn't until i noticed the strange heat coming from the armrest that i realised - and screamed in his face.

VeniVidiVickiQV Wed 19-Sep-07 10:23:05

LOL, Boco.

Just as well he wasnt hung like a donkey - it could have been SO much worse for you grin

VeniVidiVickiQV Wed 19-Sep-07 10:24:22

Oh, and dont leave breastpads in the same compartment of your bag as your purse. It could result in breastpads being flung in the face of cashiers/checkout folk as you whip your purse out.

mufti Wed 19-Sep-07 10:25:56

do not , when arriving down for dinner in a posh country house hotel, take a handful of the "nibbles", left in lounge in large bowl, realising as hands gets to mouth, this is actually pot pourri.

AdmiralLapinWaivesTheRules Wed 19-Sep-07 10:26:21

Oh I didn't think this thread could get any funnier grin

BocoCoAndABottleOfRum Wed 19-Sep-07 10:30:55

My friends were at a dinner party where they didn't know the people very well. There was a sex therapist there who was a little intimidating. Male friend started feeling a little self conscious as she was making judgments and assertions about men and sex and he got a little paranoid.

In this situation, when beginning to feel self conscious, mulling over your own habits and performance, and deciding to pop out for a cigarrette, don't get yourself in a muddle and announce to the table that you're nipping out for a 'quick wank' in stead of quick fag.

Roskva Wed 19-Sep-07 10:40:39

grin Bococo

Mamama - I have to ask, was your friend staying in Pembrokeshire? Are we talking about the same person? grin

Oh, and be very careful about your pronounciation if you try to impress your hosts in Italy by asking for your coat in Italian - I didn't realise until I got it wrong that the word for overcoat is remarkably similar to a slang word for condom blush

Do not, when on holiday in caravan as a single parent, decide to go to bed early out of sheer boredom. Your dcs will wake up, find the sitting room empty, panic thinking mum has left them alone & run to the next caravan. Lady in next van will then come in to check while her dh runs up to the pub to find youhmm. You will awake starkers & in a panic to find a total stranger has just switched on your bedroom light & is looking at you in some confusionblush

theUrbanDryad Wed 19-Sep-07 10:50:39

i am crying with laughter at these!

Do Not keep lipsalve and tampons in the same compartment of bag, then attempt to apply lipsalve with tampon in front of handsome new boyfriend.

Do Not spot your midwife in town 8 months after the birth of your baby and say, "Hi xxx here's ds, he's a bit bigger than the last time you saw him! The episiotomy healed well, thanks!" It won't be your mw, and she will look utterly terrified! blush

When you do actually bump into the student mw who did most of your community care while you were pg, don't tell her that you either have an infection or thrush. In front of the entire dr's waiting room. In the inevitable ensuing deathly silence, someone will snigger.

kinki Wed 19-Sep-07 10:50:49

ggg you reminded me. If you go to an all night beach party and end up with your boyfreind in his car for some rumpy pumpy, do not throw the used condom out of the window of the car. Or the next 2 condoms. Because they will stick to the said window after rolling down a little, complete with a disgusting slug-like trail. Do not do this because your friends will find them in the morning before you do. And they will continue to take the piss out of you for the next 20 years.

AdmiralLapinWaivesTheRules Wed 19-Sep-07 11:02:41

kinki, you showoff grin

flamingtoaster Wed 19-Sep-07 11:09:36

Do not:

throw out the potatoes and boil the potato peelings (done by a friend while pregnant)

start loading the breakfast washing up into the fridge even though you do not have a dishwasher (done by me while pregnant).

lemonaid Wed 19-Sep-07 11:12:38

If in Italy, do not attempt to announce to your new Italian friends that your parents are arriving on a flight the next afternoon unless you are very sure that you have straight in your mind the respective words for parents (genitori) and genitals (genitali). Otherwise they may get a quite different mental image from the one you intended.

(This one was genuinely a friend - honest. My Italian doesn't stretch far enough to be in a position to make mistakes like that)

LewisFan Wed 19-Sep-07 11:15:05

OMG has anyone got a tissue - I am absolutely crying and howling with laughter - esp @ BocoCo's posts!!!! grin

Blu Wed 19-Sep-07 11:31:32

Do not deploy a li-let without taking the cellophane wrapper off.

liger Wed 19-Sep-07 11:34:36

When going to weigh your 2 month old ds DO NOT dress him in white as this will draw comments as to what a big girl he is from a well meaning Mum. Do Not try to save well meaning Mums feelings by simply smiling in response. When well meaning Mum then asks 'whats her name' Do Not compund the situation by saying 'errr.....Mary''' (???!!!)

Having told a well meaning Mum that your son is called Mary, do not wait around for a perscription and jump up when his name is called! blush - although I think (hope) she had left the room by that point!

Felt awful for months afterwards -still do!

potoroo Wed 19-Sep-07 11:37:56

Do not let DH leave to make announcement phone calls leaving you holding tiny baby, unable to reach call button and with epidural still in place.

Helloooooo? Is anyone there?

pmsl liger

Don't tell everyone your newborn has put on 5 pounds in the last week - you will receive a lot of texts saying "hopefully you mean ounces"

totaleclipse Wed 19-Sep-07 11:56:47

do not

throw your empty cereal bowl in the bin, and put the wet nappy in the fridgegrin

Dawnybabe Wed 19-Sep-07 11:57:10

I am absolutely pissing myself laughing so hard at these posts.

I didn't realise there were so many lovely people in the world exactly like me. grin

I really should have taken the dog for his walk about an hour ago.

totaleclipse Wed 19-Sep-07 11:58:50

do not

leave parozone toilet wipes in the bathroom or your 6 year old ds will use them to wipe his bum.

Squiffy Wed 19-Sep-07 12:13:34

when you are out in a foreign country partying and a little tipsy, and you are suddenly surprised to see someone you recognise, do not, repeat DO NOT, call out "Hey Richard, Hi!, Great to see you here! How are you?"

Chances are it will be Richard Branson who obviously doesn't know you from Adam, and you will only realise this as he looks at you blankly.

evenhope Wed 19-Sep-07 12:36:19

When you are struggling with your heavy pushchair down the steps of the bank, and everyone is pushing past you so that you get really annoyed and say to the next person "can you give me a hand" in a stroppy way, do look round first and make sure he has 2 arms blush

(fortunately he found it hilarious)

(poor little 6 mo DD is watching tears roll down my face with a bewildered expression)

kittylouise Wed 19-Sep-07 12:51:41

Do not put hair gel onto the cat to give it a souxie and the banshees look, find the hair gel was obviously made of DDT and removes the cat's hair from its ears, top of head and bridge of nose for 3 months.

Do not put the ancient kettle on without water and minus the lid, leave it on for ages and then find the element is bright red and almost on fire, then run shrieking out the house thinking kettle is possessed by the devil (I had just watched ghostbusters).

I was 8 on both occasions.

Do not agree to model ann summers underwear for a friend's party, which was being held in a pub. Do not agree to wear red peep-hole bra and crotchless knickers (with modesty preserved with suitable placed badges). Do not freak out when you see that your friend has invited over 80 women to said party (most of whom you don't know). Do not try and remedy said freak-out by drinking double vodka and cokes. Do not then trip up in front of all women whilst drunk and not in control of borrowed red stilettos. Do not fall to the ground whist badges ping off everywhere revealing yourself in all your drunken glory.

I was 21 when that one happened - less excusable!

onlyjoking Wed 19-Sep-07 13:00:38

these are just too funny, i will read them all later.

BocoCoAndABottleOfRum Wed 19-Sep-07 13:03:42

If you're being sexually harassed by your boss, DO NOT threaten him with a stapler.

But if you do, DO NOT get caught on video camera - that you had no idea was switched on - saying 'Fuck off or I will staple your head!', because out of context, YOU will be the one who looks deranged when it's used in the subsequent tribunal.

daftthingsidid Wed 19-Sep-07 13:11:27

Do not, while out to dinner with friend, allow her to play with matches provided on the table, leading her to flip lit match onto trailing chiffon blouse of woman at next table. This will lead you to jump up, pouring glass of water over aforementioned (and quite posh) woman who has not idea why you have just soaked her. You will not be able to stay for dessert!

Do not return home to change tampon and neglect to change bathroom door, only to discover temporarily homeless friend who is living on sofa is home, and has prime view from kitchen of your fully exposed fanjo.

Do not, when attempting to tell your sister-in-law in her own language that she looks very slim, get the word wrong and tell her she looks a bit cleverer.

Do not ask an old dear for whom you are helping to arrange a trip to the hairdressers, how much she usually gets charged for a blow job. (this one wasn't me, but I have to admit to the others, hence name change!)

Oh, this thread is making me think of all the very stupid things I have done. Thanks for the laughs folks.

alicet Wed 19-Sep-07 13:18:58

Do not start reading this thread when you are very very busy!

Do not, on your wedding day, decide you need a last minute poo due to nerves and forget to pull down your very expensive and delicate myla g-string first! (OK so I thankfully remembered just in time!)

Do not put your ds's porridge on the edge of your laptop while feeding him, thinking to yourself 'probably shouldn't do this'. You WILL knock it into the keyboard and to add insult to injury the only letter that will work after is p - repetitively ppppppppppppppppp.

Do not allow your ds, who has recently learnt how to remove screw tops, to play with a bottle of red food colouring on wooden kitchen floor. The floor has never been the same again!

And sadly I don't have any friends to blame for any of these!!!

Brilliant thread - I haven't laughed so much for ages!

do not run into the house assuming that cleaning lady has been as gone as usual and stand noisily tutting and muttering explitives at the way she has folded your tea towels/ left the mop in the bucket instead of hanging on the hook, pegged nappies out all wrong/ filled up the kettle to the top/ etc etc ......

then turn round just in time to hear her scurrying out of the front door, crying, never to return again!

How did i know she was in the loo blush and those little things did annoy me, but if she's on here now- I'M SORRY, come back, the new lady's even worse, and she seems a bit more thick skinned grin!!!

agalch Wed 19-Sep-07 13:22:27

OMG i am sooo sore from laughing.My poor dd's are just staring at me.

When i first met my dh i couldn't drive and he usewd to ferry me everywhere. So one day he was adjusting the passenger mirror(where i was sitting) and i went mad and asked him WTF he was doing moving my mirror? blush
He couldn't talk to explain it wasn't mine and he still rolls it out to all and sundry to make me squirm.

Budababe Wed 19-Sep-07 13:26:06

Totally PMSL laughing at this thread.

Haven't done anything stupid though so can't return the entertainment factor!! wink

Roskva Wed 19-Sep-07 13:28:36

do not answer the door of a morning clad only in a bath towel assuming that dh has somehow locked himself out. When you see it is the postman standing there holding out a thing to sign for a registered letter, do not take the thing to sign in one hand and let go of the bath towel with the other to pick up a pen, as the towel will, of course, migrate south blush

and here's one from my mum:

do not forget that even when the kids have left home, they tend to come home occasionally, and bring friends with them. Do not forget, during such visits, to dress in the morning before wandering from bedroom to non-ensuite loo. Because you will emerge just as your son's friend appears from the guest room ....

alicet Wed 19-Sep-07 13:29:58

Oh and on the subject of cleaners...

Do not leave your vibrator in your bed on the day she is cleaning. To find it placed nicely on your bedside table afterwards!!! (a while ago.....)

also do not try to light a fag with a tampon- and when the tampon lighter doesn't work first time do not draw attention to yourself by swearing and shaking it in front of your workmates before going crimson and asking someone for a light

beanstalk Wed 19-Sep-07 13:34:56

Do not get so engrossed in very hilarious MN thread that you spill your very hot coffee all over your computer and your only remaining clean outfit just before you are due at M&T group.
Now they definitely won't talk to me, I'll be far too scruffy

hunkermunker Wed 19-Sep-07 13:39:39

Do not, when on the phone, try to take the lid off the pan of boiling water. The phone will slip from under your ear, your automatic reaction will be to reach up to steady it and you will whack yourself in the face with the scalding hot pan lid.

Liger, I love that you called your son "errr, Mary" grin That'll make me laugh at random occasions for some time to come.

Boco, your turn of phrase has me roaring - love it!

missgriss Wed 19-Sep-07 13:43:14

Don't pour coffee down your cream cardigan whilst attempting to sit down with the cup in your hand.

Don't put said cardigan with coffee stains in a basin of cold water without checking the pockets first.

Do cry when you realise half an hour later you have drowned £40 and your mobile phone

AdmiralLapinWaivesTheRules Wed 19-Sep-07 13:49:14

Do not underestimate the height of your child.

Do move indelible CD markers out of any drawers in the living room, no matter how high up they are.

Do not leave your child to play happily in your "toddler-proof" living room while you do the washing up.

Never ever EVER under any circumstances, even if you are single and childless at the time, buy a pale coloured fake suede sofa.

These things may be connected. <cries>

Does anyone know how to get indelible ink out of a fake suede sofa? or a 17 month old?

Brangelina Wed 19-Sep-07 13:49:17

Do not take the lid off the blender before taking your finger off the button. A lump of crushed ice will fly out at you and give you a black eye.

On a similar note, do not look up through the gap in a canopy during a hailstorm. A huge hailstone will come whistling through it and give you a black eye.

Do not stand behind a door to unscrew a key plaque when your DP is due home. Door handle in face will give you a black eye.

I see a theme here...

Egypt Wed 19-Sep-07 13:51:30

<yess hellooo twig!> (fifty messages earlier!)

we've been passing in the night i feel. ooooo. sounds painful

sorry for hijack

LilRedWG Wed 19-Sep-07 13:52:51

Do not: Scald your hand on steam, whilst uncovering rice fresh from the microwave.

Do not: When DH and SIL come running in response to girly scream, and say 'What did you do?' DO NOT show them what you did by repeating the action, just tell them! The blisters take a long time to go.

LilRedWG Wed 19-Sep-07 13:54:19

Do not: Shake a box of matches - they can light!

Do not: Repeat your actions with a fresh box to explain to a friend how you "only shook it like this"!

I see a pattern of stupidity in my life

Egypt Wed 19-Sep-07 13:54:35

grin Brangelina

pmsl. grin

ggglimpopo Wed 19-Sep-07 14:04:19

LL - your post has reminded me - does anyone remember or have that brilliant photo that someone once posted that could have been entitled:

Do not leave two very small children alone in a room with a tin of white gloss paint and a flat screen tv

BocoCoAndABottleOfRum Wed 19-Sep-07 14:06:11

DO NOT go to a firework display put on by a couple of men who make their own fireworks, if one of the men has only one leg after blasting the other one off. That should be a clue as to what could happen.

And when those fireworks do explode a few hundred feet too low, hope to god you're not like the friend i was standing next to and wearing a great deal of hairspray. Hairspray and fireworks don't mix, and trying to put out your friends flaming head is alarming to the small children in the crowd who assume you are attacking people by pummeling them with your mittens.

ElenyaTuesday Wed 19-Sep-07 14:07:17

These are all so funny!!

Do NOT on the morning of your wedding, panic about the fact that your dress has long sleeves and you might sweat and have horrible sweat stains under your arms, causing you to rush to Boots to buy some stuff for "problem perspiration", because if you do, you will:

(1) Have to queue up and pay for said "problem perspiration" stuff and the woman at the check-out will give you a funny look; and

(2) You will have a reaction to said "problem perspiration" stuff and will spend your wedding day with bright red, painful armpits................ (at which point you will be glad it's not a strapless dress!)

Dawnybabe Wed 19-Sep-07 14:11:42

Do not cut out the insert of the nice new beaker you only bought yesterday cos it just wasn't letting the water through. It will promptly pour water all over your babies face.

And when dh comes home he'll ask how dd is doing with her brand new cup.

Don't tell him.

totaleclipse Wed 19-Sep-07 14:11:56

Do not

cook a treacle sponge boil in the tin,then forget, and leave it on hob for over an hour, then stupidly take the lid of the pan, as the treacle sponge will explode, leaving terrible burns on your arm, and the rest dripping off the ceiling and walls.

That was my mum, not megrin

BocoCoAndABottleOfRum Wed 19-Sep-07 14:12:02

Don't use eyelash die on your pale eyebrows, as you'll look like Brian Blessed.

Don't think that trying an eyebrow waxing kit yourself will make it better either - you'll just have a reaction and will be left with scarlet burning scabs around a think line of very dark hairs, making it look like Brian Blessed has been grating his forehead. Just leave eyebrows totally alone in fact. FGS.

totaleclipse Wed 19-Sep-07 14:15:47

When sawing branches off a tree, do not saw off the one you are sat on, or you will break your leg.

that was dh.

moodlumthehoodlum Wed 19-Sep-07 14:16:28

Do not, the night before your sister in law's wedding leave a pot of vaseline around your dc's bedroom. Your dd, a bridesmaid at said wedding will smear it all over her hair and her brother's hair.

NB Vaseline is almost impervious to any water/shampoo treatment you may find, even if you do this a thousand times.

totaleclipse Wed 19-Sep-07 14:26:29

Teenagers

Do not
go home for your lunch, put sausages under the grill, get engrossed in neighbours, realise you are late, rush back to school, just as you are at the school gates you remember the sausages under the grill, run home crying because your mum will go ballistic when she finds the house burned down, search for your keys as you are going up the garden path, realise you have locked yourself out, while noticeing all the windows look frosted because of the smoke, panick and throw a brick through the window, which knocks and smashes the vase in windowsill, climb through window showing the whole cul-de-sac your knickers because you insisted on having a very short skirt, cut leg on broken vase, nearly choke to death on smoke, then spend the rest of the afternoon, airing the house, and scrubbing the cooker that appears black, but normally white, then later thinking you got away with it, have to confess all to your parents because the school had called your mum, saying you were not at school.

moodlumthehoodlum Wed 19-Sep-07 14:30:00

Do not, on holiday in Cornwall, when at a playground with dcs, think you are young and crazy enough to go on the see saw with your dh, who is several stone heavier than you. You will get on, then he will, catapulting you off in a graceful ark head first on to the grass, much to the amusement of the many teenagers that have suddenly appeared. There is no cool way to get up of the ground from that.

moodlumthehoodlum Wed 19-Sep-07 14:30:45

Sorry that should be arc not ark. There were enough stupid mammals around that day without involving Noah.

BocoCoAndABottleOfRum Wed 19-Sep-07 14:31:04

If you are a father in law, and your new baby grand daughter is being breastfed, if that baby unlatches and lunges backwards giving you a clear view of your daughter in laws left tit, the correct response is NOT 'Wehaaaaayyyyy!'

Ever.

MrsBadger Wed 19-Sep-07 14:31:07

totaleclipse, my dad did the steamed pudding one in his youth

but he was mass catering at a scout camp

twenty of them went off in a kind of syrup fusillade

ggglimpopo Wed 19-Sep-07 14:31:41

Never turn round whilst on a treadmill to check time on clock on wall behind you.

totaleclipse Wed 19-Sep-07 14:32:31

mrs b
pmslgrin

totaleclipse Wed 19-Sep-07 14:35:05

Do not

slag your PE teacher off, calling her all the names under the sun and saying how she should'nt even be a PE teacher as she is overweight, finish off by calling her a fecking lesbo, then turn around to see she is stood right behind you.

purpleduck Wed 19-Sep-07 14:36:17

Do not, when at Windsor Castle, admiring the artwork, grope the leg (and..um..nearly groin) of DH who is standing just behind you. It will be a rather alarmed looking French woman!!! Why didn't she move away??? hmm

FrannyandZooey Wed 19-Sep-07 14:36:48

Do not stop off en route to showers at a festival, to have a wee first in the toilets. There will be nowhere to put your clean clothes and towel down without them getting filthy, so you'll end up perched with them all in a pile on your lap and your clean bra hanging cunningly around your neck. When you leave the toilet, your bra will still be hanging there. And it isn't a good look.

kinki Wed 19-Sep-07 14:37:08

If like my SIL you must leave your 3 big vibrators on the bathroom sink to dry after you have washed them, please do not do this on the day me and my 5yo ds are visiting. Because when he goes to the loo and washes his hands he will be thrilled to see 3 new rockets to play with. He will squeal with delight when he runs downstairs with them to show the gathered family members. Don't worry about me, I will find it funny, but you won't.

totaleclipse Wed 19-Sep-07 14:39:50

pmsl @ rockets to play withgrin

ludaloo Wed 19-Sep-07 14:42:55

DO NOT...

As a teenager, go to a game fair with your dad....go off with your friend for half the day, agree to meet your dad at lunch time under the big willow tree....spot your dad sitting on a log...run and jump on him and wrestle him to the ground...only to realise it isn't your dad! blush

AuldAlliance Wed 19-Sep-07 14:45:15

Do not, on your very first excursion into a café with your baby, feeling all proud that you managed to shower, dress and get out in public for the first time in weeks, suddenly notice that your baby is grimacing, wonder if he's pooing and pull at the elastic of his nappy to confirm your suspicions. A stream of yellow baby poo will flow down your leg.

Do not borrow shoes from a mate for the school fashion show. You will slip off the catwalk and fall onto someone's lap. You will then have to climb back up onto the catwalk and continue sashaying down it until you can run away and hide.

Do not agree to be an interpreter at a wedding and then get sick of asking the mayor to slow down because you can't keep up. When you invent the witnesses' names, they will correct you. If the climate is tropical, and you are heavily pregnant, you will sweat profusely and go very red. While the camcorders roll, recording every minute of your anguish and humiliation for posterity. A few months later, when you start teaching a new class and are being all strict, you will find several students recognise you from their brother's wedding film and are oddly lacking in respect for you.

Do not fashion a racing car from blu-tack and drunkenly re-enact Ayrton Senna's death in miniature on the coffee table, using lighter fuel to lay a trail of flames. Do not then tip bottle of fuel over just as death scene is commencing. You will set fire to the curtains, wallpaper and sofa.

ludaloo Wed 19-Sep-07 14:48:47

Hey...totaleclipse...

Also...do not as a teenager, come home for lunch and turn the chip pan on...just to see how long the fat takes to melt hmm, then forget and go to school...and still forget until you come home to find the fire brigade at your house, your mum in hysterics and the kitchen burned down!

(DH did...and got away with it...the fire brigade thought it was an electrical fault!)

MeanieMama Wed 19-Sep-07 15:06:02

When bumping into an acquaintance you haven't seen for some time and who seems a tad bigger round the middle, do not heartily congratulate her on having a third one on the way unless said acquaintance has actually said she's pregnant. blush

I have done this twice now, never again!

lanismum Wed 19-Sep-07 15:08:45

This one was dp not me...

When your flat is without hot water, do not boil a kettle to have a wash, and pour it into the glass bowl sink, it will expload, showering you and the bathroom with boiling water and broken glass, and you will feel a comlete dick explaining it to your landlord

I had told him to add the cold water first as well, and took great pleasure of reminding him.....

Mumzarello Wed 19-Sep-07 15:10:41

Never put new purple trousers in a mixed washing load - well not unless your aim is to dye everything else a grey/blue colour...

mufti Wed 19-Sep-07 15:12:03

or dps maroon dressing gown in a white load, lots of pink things

FrogPrincess Wed 19-Sep-07 15:15:51

do not, after moving to a new town, with a small baby, plan to go to the cinema with dh leaving said small baby with parents for the first time ever, drive confidently to the place you found on the map described as 'leisure centre', only to realise it is in fact a swimming pool

do remember english is not my first language so mistakes are allowed

dh still asks me if I want to go to the swimming pool to watch a film

madamez Wed 19-Sep-07 15:26:14

As a piece of advice, this one has dated a bit but: if you are acquainted with several men who are all of very similar physical appearance (dyed black mop of hair, black jeans, stripy t-shirt, eyeliner) and you are (justifyiably) pissed off with one of them, do not assume that the one standing at the bar with his back to you is the one who merits a cuff round the earhole and a reprimand for leaving drunken rants on your answerphone and waking you up.
It will be one of the other ones, and his girlfriend will be oddly convinced that you are in fact trying to chat him up.

herbiemom Wed 19-Sep-07 15:37:37

When making a cake do not forget to tie back your very long, beautiful hair which you are very proud of. It would be awful if you leaned forward and got said hair caught up in the mixer blades and then having unsuccesfully spent 2 hours trying to untangle it had to have it all cut off, very, very short.

scootermum Wed 19-Sep-07 15:50:57

When at a Snow Patrol gig DO NOT light your cigarette lighter during the bit in the song 'Run' where you are insructed to 'light up, light up'..particularly when a woman with very long hair is standing directly in front of you..you will set her hair on fire and after sucessfully putting it out, and despite apologising profusely, be ejected from the Cambridge Corn exchange and asked politely not to return...

This thread has had me in stitches today grin

OhDearHowEmbarrassing Wed 19-Sep-07 15:54:29

If dating a guy who lives with his parents, do not under any circumstances, make love on the sofa - someone will come in. If by chance you do give in to passion downstairs without getting caught, do not forget to collect up all your clothing including your undies before retreating upstairs. Otherwise when you come down the next morning, his mum will hand you your bra saying "I think this must belong to you!"

MrsFogi Wed 19-Sep-07 15:56:06

Don't forward an email from your bil to you dh with a long rant about how much you can't stand bil's girlfriend (now wife) and then find you pressed reply rather than forward.

kinki Wed 19-Sep-07 15:56:51

When learning german, try to learn the difference between 'to eat' and 'to feed'. Because in your german oral exam you will be asked 'what can you do on a cross channel ferry?'. And you will think it smart to reply 'you can feed the seagulls' hmm. But you will be really saying 'you can eat the seagulls'. The examiner will gently try to get you to think about what you have said, but you will not understand. Gradually the examiner will begin to think it funny that keep insisting on eating seagulls. Before you know it the exam will be over and the only consolation will be that you have given the examiner a good chuckle. Because 2 months later you will find out you failed the exam.

mufti Wed 19-Sep-07 15:58:12

dont be surprised when you creep in, in the morning after staying out all night, to walk past your mums bedroom and see her sat up in bed looking shock

blousy Wed 19-Sep-07 16:03:35

Do not, two days post partum, engage in an energetic ball game with your dog in the garden. You will slip on your bare feet and fall into the river and emerge with stitches smarting and maternity towel water logged and between your knees.
Do not, bend over your legs to use an epilator before tying your hair back. The epliator will end up on your scalp and you will have to cut out a large chunk of hair...

Squiffy Wed 19-Sep-07 16:12:27

I am still PMSL over the condom stuck to the briefcase....and I read it hours ago....

curiouscat Wed 19-Sep-07 16:14:15

When you are in a new busy and important job and a secretary asks you a dumbass question DO NOT send her a snotty email telling her where to find the information for herself. She will turn out to be the boss's boss's secretary.

You then will be hauled up to a bigwig, presented with the printed out email together with a printout of what the secretary thinks of your ability to do your job. You will then be handed your P45 and try to escape with your dignity while she smirks over her typewriter.

Slubberdegullion Wed 19-Sep-07 16:31:05

If you are about 9 (and therefore unlikely to be reading threads on MN, but anyway), devise and carry out a series of medical experiments upon yourself culminating in the hypothesis:

If I do not brush my teeth for 2 weeks and then stick a needle through my gum, the build up of mouth detritus will prevent a pain reaction from occuring.

You hypothesis will be wrong and you will need to be taken to the dentist.

Slubberdegullion Wed 19-Sep-07 16:33:34

[As an aside (for any interested 9 year olds) the experiment: Do not drink all day and then drink 3 pints of water on the loo and time yourself to see how long it takes to come out, is relatively safe and quite interesting.]

totaleclipse Wed 19-Sep-07 16:35:48

Or yie string very tightly round your finger, until your finger is blue, then stick a needle in and see how far the blood shoots.

Slubberdegullion Wed 19-Sep-07 16:40:10

Or cut all the skin off the heel of one of your feet to see how long it takes to grow back.

AdmiralLapinWaivesTheRules Wed 19-Sep-07 16:44:47

Who else threaded a needle and then sewed all their fingertips together?

Oh blush just me then...


AuldAlliance, your last one had me HOWLING grin

totaleclipse Wed 19-Sep-07 16:45:27

Oh yes, I did that all the timeblushgrin

FrannyandZooey Wed 19-Sep-07 16:50:09

I did the needle and thread thing

Dp painted his eyeballs with nail varnish (wanted different colour eyes)

AdmiralLapinWaivesTheRules Wed 19-Sep-07 16:54:03

EYEBALLS! shock

FrannyandZooey Wed 19-Sep-07 16:54:52

Yup

He was no stranger to A+E when a child

Slubberdegullion Wed 19-Sep-07 16:56:33

Anyone eat a bag of icing sugar to see if it makes all your teeth drop out instantly?

totaleclipse Wed 19-Sep-07 16:58:30

I once ate salad cream and sugar sandwichesm except I did'nt use bread, I used ginger nut biscuits <puke>

Slubberdegullion Wed 19-Sep-07 16:59:24

Was that a science experiment totaleclipse?

FrannyandZooey Wed 19-Sep-07 17:00:19

Dp used to make cream cracker sandwiches

he was an adult at the time

totaleclipse Wed 19-Sep-07 17:00:37

Yes, lol, I performed lots of them..........

curry flavoured cakes
pink and green yorkshire pudding

the list goes on.grin

totaleclipse Wed 19-Sep-07 17:01:35

pmsl

I still like cheese pickle and salt and vingar crips sandwiches...........yum

TheArmadillo Wed 19-Sep-07 17:05:25

Experiments I learnt from:

Do not use the red hot poker sealing wounds thing that you learnt in history class at home on a cut using a nail file and a candle - it really really hurts.

Do not use a candle in pot to set fire to pieces from a magazine - it will react and cause very big flames that will scorch the ceiling, and require your mum to drop the phone and come rushing up stairs to put it out. She will not be impressed.

Jacksparrowhater Wed 19-Sep-07 17:09:01

This is my sisters:


Do not attend a funeral with your ironically humourous Dirty Dancing Talking Keyring, sit on your bag, and have Jennifer Grey screech to the assorted throngs:


"I carried a watermelon.



I carried a watermelon?"


It will become your sole defining characteristic amongst your family for the forseeable future, and your big sister will tell an entire parenting forum about it.

TheArmadillo Wed 19-Sep-07 17:12:33

If you do a backwards dive in school swimming pool, misjudge it and smack your back so it really hurts, do not float face down on surface of pool until pain goes away as your teacher will think you are drowning and will be stripping off about to jump in pool when you eventually come up for air.

MadLabOwner Wed 19-Sep-07 17:14:54

Do not immediately act on any stray thought that comes into your head, especially if you are freewheeling down a long hill on a bicycle and the though happens to be "I wonder what would happen if I put my foot through the spokes of my front wheel".

The resulting cartwheel was quite the sight I understand

In mitigation I was only 8. Not the best at physics

Sidge Wed 19-Sep-07 17:36:37

Do not go to a party at a friend's house after drinking copious amounts of snakebite and black.

Do not then go to the newly decorated bathroom to puke, and miss the toilet and spew up purple vom all over the new peach deep-pile carpet.

Do not then drunkenly attempt to clean the new carpet with bathroom cleaner containing bleach.

Whilst attempting major clean up operation and someone tries to get in the bathroom, do not scream "JUST FUCK OFF!!" very loudly, as it will be the mother of the friend holding the party.

Do not come in from a work 'do' slightly tipsy, trip on dangling handbag strap & fall face-first down a flight of stairs onto a concrete path breaking your nose, scraping your face & shattering a front tooth. Especially do not do this 6 weeks before your own wedding!

Do not then apologise hysterically & very very loudly for potentially wrecking the wedding to your poor distraught dp as he attempts to clean you up as your neighbours will then assume he is a wife-beater & refuse to acknowledge his presence when he says hello in passing.

Five years on & they're still frosty to him but perfectly nice to me.

If you find yourself careering down a hill on rollerboots do not grab onto a passing fence - your upper body will stop dead, your lower body will keep going at roughly the speed of sound & you will wind up flat on your back winded & mildly concussed.

Peachy Wed 19-Sep-07 17:50:56

Don't: take ds1 shoeless out to feed school rabbit in garden at night when hedgehog lurking nearby

Don't: allow 6 year old to hold on to corner of tent that is blowing up, away and towards a cliff (drop it! now! drop it!)

Peachy Wed 19-Sep-07 17:52:20

Do not clean out the baby food belender with finger whilst still switched on, the day before tyou sail to Morocco on honey moon (ouch)

Niecie Wed 19-Sep-07 18:06:45

Do not overfill one of those Tomme Tippee cups with the fold down spout and whilst waiting in a shop queue, give it to toddler son filled with Ribena (yeh, I know, so shot me). If you do overfill it don't be surprised when it shots, in a perfect arc, down the back of the pale grey suit of the immaculately dressed woman in front of you in the queue.

Do not take your mother shopping with you if you do that as she will have to leave the shop to have a fit of hysterical laughing leaving you to ponder whether you should own up or wait to see if the woman notices and blame DS blush.

Do not jump into the kiddies paddling pool at a swimming complex to splash your younger brothers. The reason you can't walk properly will be cracked bones in your heel.

Do not wear white to a foam party then piss someone off. They will throw you into the foam to make your clothes see through.
(as I did to some girl who got right on my tits!)

kinki Wed 19-Sep-07 19:03:54

When your pfb is about 10mths old and has just figured out his first 2 words - ba and ga - do not encourage him to say them loudly and proudly. Because when you are in a busy queue of mothercare he will manage to string his first 2 words together and make a 3rd word - loudly, proudly and repetitively. BA GA, BA GA, BAGA, BAGA, BUGGER, BUGGER. And because everyone will find it funny, he will continue to shout it to anyone who cares to listen for the next few months. blush

MrsFish Wed 19-Sep-07 20:40:24

Do not pack for a weeks holiday, get DH to get time off work, subject your two year old toddler to an 8 hour car journey down to Cornwall a week after all the floods, hence stationery traffic on the M5, to get to your destination in the pouring rain in the apparent midst of summer, without double checking your booking arrangements first... to be told that you are not due down till the following saturday blush

My defence... 7 months pregnant, due in the next 10 days

Do not after a drunken night out soak your contact lenses in liquid hairspray and then put them back in the next morning shock thought I had blinded myself.

kitbit Wed 19-Sep-07 20:54:00

Do not drive to work wondering why the windscreen is all smeary then realise (when you sneeze and it becomes self evident) that you put both contact lenses in one eye.

kitbit Wed 19-Sep-07 20:56:38

And do not NOT peer into the eye level grill on the crappy gas oven in your student house to check if your toast is done yet. Pull. The. Grillpan. Out. First.

phoommff
no eyebrows

barefeete Wed 19-Sep-07 20:56:58

Don't: complain to the letting agency that the tumble drier is smelling of burning only to be told when a man comes to fix it that you had it on the wrong setting! blush

LowFat Wed 19-Sep-07 21:00:55

Do not double up on a cake recipe that needs large eggs and so add an extra egg for good measure and then do not put it in a loose bottomed cake tin you have not checked as you will get:

an eggy pancake sponge
cake baked on to the floor of the oven
and a nice home baking smell each time you cook till it burns then you get a burning smell - despite cleaning the oven

sweetkitty Wed 19-Sep-07 21:12:14

Do not join two sets of Christmas tree lights together by holding their wires in your fingers then telling your friend to flick the switch on to test them. You will electrocute yourself burn your fingers and shake for 10 minutes afterwards.

toomuchtodo Wed 19-Sep-07 21:17:57

Do not put your ds1's first tooth to fall out on the kitchen worktop, go to asda, come home, put shopping on worktop, empty then clear the bags away

sad

que cries of "where's my first tooth mummy"

daisyandbabybootoo Wed 19-Sep-07 21:28:08

Do NOT

....get intimate with your DH after he has been chopping fresh chillies [ouch]

Charlie999 Wed 19-Sep-07 21:42:08

When wondering if the bulbs have blown in your dashboard cos everything is so dark, check to make sure you haven't put your sunglasses on instead of your driving glasses grin...

pinkyminky Wed 19-Sep-07 21:56:43

Do not go into utility room in the dark to feed rabbits only to realise that the large bolt you are unfastening is actually a large black slug.

faylisa Wed 19-Sep-07 22:02:16

Do not... forget to take your contact lens solution when you stay over at a friends house, put your contacts in a glass of water and then proceed to drink them during the night when you wake up thirsty

Turquoise Wed 19-Sep-07 22:03:07

Do not make yourself a smoked salmon sandwich, then put face cream on without washing your hands and waft Eau de Billingsgate around the office all day, engendering dubious looks from colleagues blush.

Pinkveto Wed 19-Sep-07 22:11:25

Do not, when venturing out on a cold winters night to see glow worms, skip joyfully down some steps into a "cave". It is the river. It is a metre deep, and very cold.

sockmonkey Wed 19-Sep-07 22:16:43

Do not book your car in for an MOT and decide to walk home to feed LO, as your house keys will still be attached to the car keys, and you will be locked out.

chipmonkey Wed 19-Sep-07 22:17:36

If working in an opticians do not reiterate over and over again the importance of putting on and taking off spectacles with BOTH hands without checking that the patient in question has two hands.

When staying at ILs do not leave toiletries within reach of a 4 year old who will decide to shampoo his younger brother's head with shower gel and allow said shower-gel to stream into younger brothers eyes.

If leaving a crowded pub, do not reach behind and grab your boyfriend's hand and drag him out of the door. It will not be your boyfriend, it will be a grinning barman with a keg of beer on his shoulder. Your boyfriend will be following doubled up with laughter.

Do not aged 6 sit three quarters of the way up the open slatted staircase and decide to see if you can fit through the gap. Feet First.

You will get stuck by the neck and have to listen to your mother shrieking hysterically("you idiot") and your father phsl while pulling you back up.

Do not freak out about forgotten schoolbooks aged thirteen while locked out of the house at lunchtime and brick the window


just as your mother pulls into the driveway.


Do not move into a new third floor shared flat then come home wasted. Stroll in the front door and think "oh look, new rug" ...... followed by "oh wow they have redecorated".

You will then freak out and have to retreat back up the hall very, very quietly because you are in fact in the flat on the second floor not the third floor.

Do not aged 8 and a poor swimmer go out of your depth in the holiday swimming pool resulting in your mother (who cannot swim) shrieking (again) at your incredibly short sighted father (sans glasses) to rescue you.

"where"
"there, there"
"where" peering....until your dads one legged friend pushes him out the way, and hopps to the edge of the pool and dives in to rescue you.

While the rest of the huge crowd around the poolside laugh uncontrollably.

Do not pre-judge SIL's new BF... They came to dinner & after they got out of the car & she introduced him, he went into our back garden for a fag. Just before dinner I went out there and saw wee trickling across the patio from among my new plant pots. I was so angry that I blanked him for the rest of the evening. The following week I watered my new plants, and noticed two hours later the water was trickling across the patio from one of them...

She's still with him, and no doubt he still wonders why I took an instant dislike to him!

Do not - if a nursery teacher- decide to make the kids a Hallowe'en lantern for their party. The knife will slip & you will end up in A&E dressed as Wee Willie Winkie. My DM.

Bewilderbeast Wed 19-Sep-07 22:55:48

do not resist going to the loo because you are enjoying reading this thread outloud to dp. You will inevitably get to Boco's post about the one-legged fireworks guy and laugh so hard that you have a tena-lady moment blush. you will then have to dash to the loo only to remember that you broke the lightpull earlier in the evening and you can't see your hand in front of your face let alone the loo. You will then have to pee with the door open instructing DP not to come near the bathroom. The baby will inevitably start screaming resulting in DP having to pass by bathroom in order to get to baby.

moondog Wed 19-Sep-07 22:58:52

Lol lol TearingHair.
Poor blameless bloke!

MissusH Wed 19-Sep-07 23:00:20

Do not open oven door too fast so it bounces almost closed again.

Do not fail to notice this before picking up heavy casserole dish and because you can't be arsed to put dish back down, use your foot to poke door open again.

If you are wearing flip flops it burns...a lot.

Do not compound the stupidity by still not putting the dish down and trying to open the door with the bottom of your foot. the cheap plastic will melt and stick your foot to the oven door while 200 degree heat is blown at your lower leg by the oven fan...

Impressive contortionism, MissusH!

MissusH Wed 19-Sep-07 23:11:29

DH was impressed too, but I think idiocy rather than contortionism would describe it better, Stealth grin

unfortunately dh was no help whatsoever as he was too busy laughing his ass off..

Califrau Wed 19-Sep-07 23:31:19

it has already been mentioned on here but needs repeating. DO NOT carefully remove teh le crueset coccotte of casserole from the oven wearing oven gloves, remove the oven gloves and lift the lid. It will burn all your fingers and your toes (when you drop the sodding thing on your foot)

SoMuchToBits Wed 19-Sep-07 23:51:27

Do not inadvertently put your fingers between the legs of a folded music stand, while passing it to your friend, who then grips it firmly at the other end, ensuring your finger is compressed between aforementioned legs. Friend will then wonder why you are shouting OWW! OWW! while passing her the music stand. This happened to me....tonight blush. You would think I would have known better after reading this thread, wouldn't you?.....

lemonaid Thu 20-Sep-07 00:11:28

Do not...
- Spend your children's entire lives telling them to be careful and always use proper ladders to reach high things.
- Then stand on the edge of a half-barrel flowerpot to prune your rose arch (even if it is "really heavy")
- Be surprised when "really heavy" flowerpot tips over, throwing you to the ground and then landing on your leg and shattering multiple bones

However, should you decide to ignore this advice, you are probably the sort of person who would then refuse to let said children call an ambulance, even though you are screaming at the slightest movement, because "ambulances are only for really ill people". Obviously.

(My MIL)

snowleopard Thu 20-Sep-07 00:25:16

Do not slurp a big fat dollop of suncream off the back of your hand at a lovely family picnic, thinking it's spilt yoghurt...

Do not look for the milk in the study and then, having finally found it in the fridge, try to put it away in the cup cupboard, swearing because it won't fit. (am going mad)

Do not leave the house with your cordless landline phone under the impression that it's your mobile, get it out of your bag 6 miles away and then wonder why you aren't having any success trying to phone DP at home with it.

IdrisTheDragon Thu 20-Sep-07 00:44:34

Do not, when using a food processor, think, "Hmm, wonder what would happen if I put my finger in here" while it is processing away.

Your finger will get somewhat processed.

Courtesy of DH smile.

superloopy Thu 20-Sep-07 06:26:05

Do not when you are 5mnths preg agree to get a puppy.
You will enter a whole new world of anger, frustration and poo that will make you heave.
Bending over to clean up mess is difficult.
Your 3yo DD will learn some very bad swear words!shock
Please, please, please heed my warning...smile

mumbleboo Thu 20-Sep-07 07:25:20

Do not wonder if there are any staples in the stapler, and try it out on your thumb to check.

(my cousin)

From my DH...
do not as a child wonder what will happen if you stick your head between the banisters. Your mother will bring out washing up liquid, butter, and anything else she can think of to lubricate your ears, before calling your father at work in a panic who suggests pushing you through the banisters entirely.
She will then tell the story to your girlfriend in 15 or so years time who will find it very amusing!

Charlie999 Thu 20-Sep-07 08:09:39

Do not stand on the brand new radiator in your newly rented flat on a Sunday, in order to clean your windows. It will fall off the wall, piss water everywhere, bugger up the heating and you'll have to ring your landlord and tell them it "just fell off the wall" and it will cost a fortune to get a plumber out.

blush long time ago blush

Trinityrhino Thu 20-Sep-07 08:15:11

do not go and see the first lord of the rings film with you dh and then shout'It can't end there' at the end because you didn't realise that it would be three films duh

even the 12 yr old kids behind us were sniggering...

LilRedWG Thu 20-Sep-07 08:34:40

Ah, Trinity - you reminded me

Do not go to see Men In Black with DH, in a packed cinema and especially do not stand-up and scream loudly when the alien make you jump at the end. People will snigger for the remainder of the film.

Squiffy Thu 20-Sep-07 08:57:18

A classic from DH:

When severely sunburnt on holiday and after being advised to apply natural yoghurt to cool it, DO NOT assume that half a dozen pots Ski Strawberry from the breakfast buffet will do the job instead. It won't and you will have to spend the rest of the day peeling off bits of dried strawberries from your burnt torso

Squiffy Thu 20-Sep-07 09:02:02

And from my father:

When finishing off the wallpapering in a room, and needing to do the bit above the window, do not use an old fishtank as a step. The resultant accident will send an arc of blood sailing across almost every piece of wallpaper that you have spent the last two days putting up, and you will spend four days in hospital having your severed achilles tendon put right.

Soph73 Thu 20-Sep-07 09:26:22

Do not sit on bed, put guide blouse on your lap then proceed to sew on your spanking new guide badge for homemaking, stand up & realise you´ve not only sewn the blouse to your trousers but to the duvet cover as well. Still no good at needlework blush

Soph73 Thu 20-Sep-07 09:39:11

From my father: Do not try getting out of the bath by trying to walk up the back of it - you will slip, break several ribs & freeze your nuts off until someone comes home to help you out the bath

prettymum Thu 20-Sep-07 09:41:02

do not try ironing your jeans whilsts its on you!! you will burn yourself!!

mufti Thu 20-Sep-07 09:53:39

do not, as a child asleep on grannys sofa, when finding the end of a knitting needle, put it up your nose ,"for somewhere to put it."
this will result in removal of said item in hospital

WeddingFright Thu 20-Sep-07 09:58:45

Do not, on your wedding night, put presents, your husband's £260 kilt & £100 sporran in the bottom of the wardrobe to keep them 'safe' - your spectacularly drunk dh will mistake the wardrobe for the en-suite bathroom of your posh hotel room & piss all over said items. You will awake mid-pee to hear the pattering sound & hiss hysterically at him to stop. Pattering sound will abate & just as you breathe a sigh of relief it will start up again causing you to leap out of bed & shove offending dh towards the bathroom & hold him up in front of the loo. You will then spend the next 30 minutes using all the towels in the bathroom to clean everything up while your brand-new dh staggers out of the bathroom, falls onto the king-size bed, crawls across the bed onto the floor at the other side & up onto the chaise longue(sp?) where he will pass out leaving you to lie alone on your wedding night staring at the ceiling & seething.

Not the start to the marriage that I'd hoped for but it's still going strong more than 5 years later so no harm donegrin

WeddingFright Thu 20-Sep-07 09:59:42

Name-changed for that one btw as promised dh I wouldn't tell a soul - I haven't 'til now but thought this was a perfect opportunity to sharegrin

MegaLegs Thu 20-Sep-07 10:05:45

When out with mates having a boozy birthday bash do not ask DH to grab all the half full bottles of wine that the party on the other table have walked off and left as it is most likely that they have are having the roast and have gone to the carvery blush.