Looking for a Governess - may I look here?

(107 Posts)
Sobernow Wed 22-Aug-07 13:30:49

Are you a spinster with no hope of attracting a husband?

Have you sublimated your sexual urges by learning Latin and Embroidery?

Are you in want of £7 a year?

Please apply to the address below and my husband and I may consider you for the post of schoolroom guardian for our twins, Fortnum and Mason. Fortnum is well behaved, but Mason appears to be a little more of a scamp.

Be warned - my husband's night time demands are rigorous and I am of an age where this is most tiresome. You may be called upon to press rather more than the children's clothes.

jaynehater Wed 22-Aug-07 21:30:09

It is my duty to inform you that Vile Doings are afoot, ma'am.

There are odd noises emanating from the garret.

Sobernow Wed 22-Aug-07 21:29:46

I can direct her to an Inferior household, certainly. But her duties will be complex.

TheDuchessOfNorksBride Wed 22-Aug-07 21:28:16

Dear Mrs Sobernow

Your requirements. in The Lady, have been noted and by happy coincidence I can offer this delightful woman. Nanny wishes to minister to fewer children and recent news has led to her requesting a transfer to an inferior household.

I enclose references etc etc

My compliments madam,
Yours etc etc

Sobernow Wed 22-Aug-07 21:22:32

Bink? Is my second born son given to wolfery?

I must be a carrier, if not a sufferer, of Lycanthropes. My Mama warned me of as much after Papa took to whistling at ladies while he was atop the scaffold.

Desiderata Wed 22-Aug-07 21:18:38

What on earth is a phone? Is it painful?

SlimNanny Wed 22-Aug-07 21:17:29

did any of you just phone me

thier was somwon at the other end they were panting alot then they went nnnnnnnnng and said yes alot

then there was a bang and a screem

im going to post in health now because my behind passage is reelly quite sor and ive got a rash now

Bink Wed 22-Aug-07 21:11:53

No - no conclusion as yet - Mason, get up! - yes now I know you've only just got home tonight and it's the middle of the night but its a full moon and I know what's behind all that mooncalf vacancy of yours, oh yes I know, dear old bustling Mrs Aloha isn't going to help you now (unless she gets her skates on sharpish) as now we are out on the terrace in the freezing night air in the yew gardens -

Hurlyburly Wed 22-Aug-07 21:11:36

SlimNanny Wed 22-Aug-07 21:10:41

dont lissin to him hes forrin

Hurlyburly Wed 22-Aug-07 21:09:51

Glad tidings indeed, Mrs Sobernow.

I know you to be Anxious for your sons' Morals. With a view to Forming these Upright Young Men to Virtue, I beg you to leave FMV behind. She is a brazen hussy who gets her norks out at the slightest Provocation.

Yours aye

Hurly

filthymindedvixen Wed 22-Aug-07 21:08:34

<<fmv rips up job application and dons gentlemen's appareil in order to stow away aboard a pirate ship>>>

Desiderata Wed 22-Aug-07 21:06:37

A successful conclusion, women!

<owt for a good shag>

filthymindedvixen Wed 22-Aug-07 21:04:10

PMSL! Most droll...

Sobernow Wed 22-Aug-07 21:02:14

I see you, too, are Undone, fmv.....

SlimNanny Wed 22-Aug-07 21:02:05

you can borrow my bridle for your horse

it was in my bag after meeting mr sobernow

its lether and has lots of buckles i hope it fits

thier was a wip in they're tooo you can have that it makes a swishy noise

in fact if mr sobernow heres the whip he might pop up in front of you eyes

filthymindedvixen Wed 22-Aug-07 21:00:24

<<FMV gets norks out in readiness>>>

Sobernow Wed 22-Aug-07 21:00:06

My husband - gone, you say? His Mistress Run Mad? My darling boys released from The Harrowing School they attended?

I cannot thank you enough, aloha, for this joyous news! You are an Angel Sent Direct From Heaven!

I shall use my complimentary bow and arrow (only available in the executive cells here) to execute my escape and shall hail a post horse post haste.

Home! To Sobernow Hall! To Fortnum! To Mason!

And, as I learn below, to the delights of Sisterhood no doubt, now that cook will no longer have to shave...

Desiderata Wed 22-Aug-07 20:56:53

Then we must assist. I shall prepare a wholesome hamper for Fortnum and Mason. They may partake of the vitals at the home of the village wet nurse, in many respects an old and begrizzled harridan, but in all true respects, a lady of not inestimable virtue.

We must make haste, ladies. Let us put aside our petty rivalries in favour in these young men who are bound for mighty positions of governance in latter life.

Come, come! The horses await ..

WideWebWitch Wed 22-Aug-07 20:49:58

pmsl

aloha Wed 22-Aug-07 20:48:07

ps Has the Lake been dredged of late?

aloha Wed 22-Aug-07 20:47:19

Dear Mrs Sobernow, I have urgent news from home. The governess has become quite Mad. Your esteemed husband has vanished, and the talk is that Ghosts walk the corridors of Sobernow Hall.
I beg of you, if you can, return soon. For Fortum and Mason are shortly to return from School and I fear for what awaits them.

Sobernow Wed 22-Aug-07 20:47:16

Desiderata

Mr Sobernow has proved satisfactory Upstairs in the past, yes. But you are welcome to him.

Fortnum and Mason have been sent to a place of education that will strip them of their humanity and befit them for nothing but Government.

I have been replaced in my husband's affections by a trollop and I am forced to reside in a hell-hole of forced entertainment.

It is Too Much for one of my upbringing.

SlimNanny Wed 22-Aug-07 20:47:11

i know that goveness

she is very bossy and tells you wot to do all the time she even sez she likes to have slaves

!!!!!!!

i hope she isnt they're tomorrer

mr sobernow arksed me about first aid he wanted to know what i no about bandage

he must be very frightend off her maybe she hurts him

Bink Wed 22-Aug-07 20:44:02

Dear Mr and Mrs Sobernow,

I hesitate so to intrude upon the so beautiful peace of your Longleat retreat, and I pray for your trust and understanding that I would not so intrude were it not that my conscience so unstintingly commands me ... When you departed today, leaving me in your so wonderful confidence with darling Fortnum and more darling Mason, I was quite sure that I was equal to any eventuality, save that

[ ... 40 more pages, no paragraphs]

and now aaargh the tower the tower he is at the window again tonight it will be tonight I will face her, her and him and him and her and them!

Yours in obedience and respectfulness,

[Aaaaagh]

(PS: I think you shouldn't have hired me off gumtree.)

filthymindedvixen Wed 22-Aug-07 20:43:58

Dear mistress, the bastard might make a good groom...and It might not be neccessary for me to pork your husband as I have Eschewed Men and their Beastliness. Have your heard at all of the virtues of the , ahem, Sisterhood?....
<<loosens stays>>>

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