Mumsnet Talk

<guffaws at thread>

I think you have been doing something *stickY with one of my relatives...

Why wash, little lapin?

I'm off, care to join me?

Starsky xx

I must go to bed now - thanks everyone

ummm, I should get the fuck out of here, LL.

Yeuk! <washes fur>

And friend .. of course

Oi! Leave that rabbit alone!

Une Veuve Cliquot? - Vive le Revolution!

Mon mari est disparu, et maintenant je dois me satisfait par mon petit lapin - (cloin, cloin)

Est-ce que vous etes Aliennes? Ami ou enemie?

Silly girls! 'Tis only Villette.

DONT TRUST THAT WOMAN SHES SPEEKIN SOME KIND OF RUSSIAN

Sobernow

Methinks this lady really is forrin. Methinks she aspires to global domination. Methinks you should avoid her too.

Yours aye

Madame,

Je ne suis pas une célibataire - je suis une veuve - mais je ne m'intéresse pas à mariage (à ce-moment-là, vous comprenez). Cependant je m'intéresse beaucoup a l'avancement par politique astucieux et je trouve étant une institutrice très commode pour ceci.

Quant au salaire, pah! Je n'ai aucun besoin de n'importe quoi aussi banal que le salaire. Mais en temps opportun je me compte être Règle Totalitaire Suprême de Votre Planète, et vos enfants sont ma première ètape en cette direction. Votre mari aussi - peut-être - il dépend de ses puissances [coups de coude coups de coude].

Acceptez, Madame, mes compliments plus profonds et plus pas sincères -

How quickly you turn on a Sister! Watch your back....

What is the use of trying to go undercover to help the permanent revolution on a little if you bourgeois bitches are up to all our tricks.
As for the sexual urges of left-wing extremists, I have no complaints to make about Mr Liebknecht's urges thank you very much.

Well, I thank you for taking the time to press your application, but I fear that you may be on the brink of becoming a co-founder of an international movement which will attempt to undermine the patriarchal system and cause unrest among the existing servants.

For that reason, I decline your offer. I think you underestimate the sexual urges of left wing extremists, too. I know I did.

Oh dear. Something about slimnanny exudes a Midlands miasma.

'Tis the 'frit' word.

Any news on Mason? Frankly couldn't give a Gladstone about Fortnum. Such an unruly beast!

Dear Mrs Sobernow
I am a modest, genteel and pretty-behaved female who can promise adequate Latin and excellent needlework. I have also recently become qualified to instruct my pupils in the use of the pianoforte (both the white notes and the much trickier black ones).
I have no knowledge of these sexual urges which you mention but have become attached to a very respectable gentleman called Mr Greystock, although he has recently being paying a worrying amount of attention to his cousin Lizzie, a most designing young woman.
£7 a year will be generous remuneration in return for the charge of your engaging young twins.
Yours sincerely
Lucy Morris

i dont know i carnt read

Surely that signifies Most Suitable?

now ive found a muzzle in my bag

its got a tag on it

to my darling son from papapa it says

somewons writ the numbers M S on it what does this mean

<<FMV seizes yet another chance to run amok with unloosed stays and without a 'kerchief, waving a candelbra above her head>>>

why is there blood on my cardigan ive just noticed it

it smells like bacon maybe its from a goat

its in a sort of star patton and the points are joind up with a line

i dont know how it got theyre

has anyone herd from mr sobernow i dont no what time im suppost to be thier tomorrer and im frit of the govness

Then 'tis pity that M.Inferior is abroad for her health.

<the gin-soak harpie>

Werewolves? - no I was only going to demand he admit to being possessed, as you do. But I quite like the werewolves. Ooh, and what about vampires too! Would you be really really impressed with me if I made out your children were all of those things, and then did some dramatic stuff saving them from their fate (though there may be some unintended side effects there)? 'Cause, you know, immersion in nothing but Latin and Embroidery does weird things to one.

It is my duty to inform you that Vile Doings are afoot, ma'am.

There are odd noises emanating from the garret.

I can direct her to an Inferior household, certainly. But her duties will be complex.

Dear Mrs Sobernow

Your requirements. in The Lady, have been noted and by happy coincidence I can offer this delightful woman. Nanny wishes to minister to fewer children and recent news has led to her requesting a transfer to an inferior household.

I enclose references etc etc

My compliments madam,
Yours etc etc

Bink? Is my second born son given to wolfery?

I must be a carrier, if not a sufferer, of Lycanthropes. My Mama warned me of as much after Papa took to whistling at ladies while he was atop the scaffold.

What on earth is a phone? Is it painful?

did any of you just phone me

thier was somwon at the other end they were panting alot then they went nnnnnnnnng and said yes alot

then there was a bang and a screem

im going to post in health now because my behind passage is reelly quite sor and ive got a rash now

No - no conclusion as yet - Mason, get up! - yes now I know you've only just got home tonight and it's the middle of the night but its a full moon and I know what's behind all that mooncalf vacancy of yours, oh yes I know, dear old bustling Mrs Aloha isn't going to help you now (unless she gets her skates on sharpish) as now we are out on the terrace in the freezing night air in the yew gardens -

dont lissin to him hes forrin

Glad tidings indeed, Mrs Sobernow.

I know you to be Anxious for your sons' Morals. With a view to Forming these Upright Young Men to Virtue, I beg you to leave FMV behind. She is a brazen hussy who gets her norks out at the slightest Provocation.

Yours aye

Hurly

<<fmv rips up job application and dons gentlemen's appareil in order to stow away aboard a pirate ship>>>

A successful conclusion, women!

<owt for a good shag>

PMSL! Most droll...

I see you, too, are Undone, fmv.....

you can borrow my bridle for your horse

it was in my bag after meeting mr sobernow

its lether and has lots of buckles i hope it fits

thier was a wip in they're tooo you can have that it makes a swishy noise

in fact if mr sobernow heres the whip he might pop up in front of you eyes

<<FMV gets norks out in readiness>>>

My husband - gone, you say? His Mistress Run Mad? My darling boys released from The Harrowing School they attended?

I cannot thank you enough, aloha, for this joyous news! You are an Angel Sent Direct From Heaven!

I shall use my complimentary bow and arrow (only available in the executive cells here) to execute my escape and shall hail a post horse post haste.

Home! To Sobernow Hall! To Fortnum! To Mason!

And, as I learn below, to the delights of Sisterhood no doubt, now that cook will no longer have to shave...

Then we must assist. I shall prepare a wholesome hamper for Fortnum and Mason. They may partake of the vitals at the home of the village wet nurse, in many respects an old and begrizzled harridan, but in all true respects, a lady of not inestimable virtue.

We must make haste, ladies. Let us put aside our petty rivalries in favour in these young men who are bound for mighty positions of governance in latter life.

Come, come! The horses await ..

pmsl

ps Has the Lake been dredged of late?

Dear Mrs Sobernow, I have urgent news from home. The governess has become quite Mad. Your esteemed husband has vanished, and the talk is that Ghosts walk the corridors of Sobernow Hall.
I beg of you, if you can, return soon. For Fortum and Mason are shortly to return from School and I fear for what awaits them.

Desiderata

Mr Sobernow has proved satisfactory Upstairs in the past, yes. But you are welcome to him.

Fortnum and Mason have been sent to a place of education that will strip them of their humanity and befit them for nothing but Government.

I have been replaced in my husband's affections by a trollop and I am forced to reside in a hell-hole of forced entertainment.

It is Too Much for one of my upbringing.

i know that goveness

she is very bossy and tells you wot to do all the time she even sez she likes to have slaves

!!!!!!!

i hope she isnt they're tomorrer

mr sobernow arksed me about first aid he wanted to know what i no about bandage

he must be very frightend off her maybe she hurts him

Dear Mr and Mrs Sobernow,

I hesitate so to intrude upon the so beautiful peace of your Longleat retreat, and I pray for your trust and understanding that I would not so intrude were it not that my conscience so unstintingly commands me ... When you departed today, leaving me in your so wonderful confidence with darling Fortnum and more darling Mason, I was quite sure that I was equal to any eventuality, save that

[ ... 40 more pages, no paragraphs]

and now aaargh the tower the tower he is at the window again tonight it will be tonight I will face her, her and him and him and her and them!

Yours in obedience and respectfulness,

[Aaaaagh]

(PS: I think you shouldn't have hired me off gumtree.)

Dear mistress, the bastard might make a good groom...and It might not be neccessary for me to pork your husband as I have Eschewed Men and their Beastliness. Have your heard at all of the virtues of the , ahem, Sisterhood?....
<<loosens stays>>>

<It has been said that his endowment is preternatural, aloha>

If tis suitable to your needs, shall I send the Vicar to knock you up and service your most urgent desires? He is a worthy fellow with a prodigious endowment that is the talk of the County and most expert in country matters.

Then I am undone.

I am in a position to start immediately. My wants are little; some gruel and thin, dry bread. I am versed in Latin and embroidered horses. I can also spit a good iron.

My straits are so dire, indeed they are, that I would be honoured, nay even obliged, to take the position gratis. I am in need of a roof, and want for nothing more.

May I just enquire ... Mr Sobernow .. is he a good shag?

Dearest Mrs Sobernow. I clasp you to my bosom in your hour of darkest need. The Vile Place in which you are now incarcerated must be a Sore Trial to one so gently raised and you are Sore Abused.
O! That it should come to This. I have heard that the Governess is most comfortable in your Home but Fortum and Mason have been sent a most fearsome school. And I fear the Rabbit that you did most dote upon has found a most excellent mistress in your former Governess.
Alack.

<<rips white nighty a little more and keens>>

Bring a Welsh Bastard to work for us? Are you mad?

You are clearly in need of help, though, and since you are related to The Cloth I shall despatch a note to the Revd Dawkins forthwith to see how he can help. I am certain he will pray for you, at least.

Oh, Mr Sobernow does all the knocking up round these parts, thank you.

And I think you should desist from referring to TB so humourously. Sum1 might get hurt.

Do excuse my tardiness in applying for this position. It takes some time for copies of The Times to arrive to my mountain hovel.

Would it be in order for me to attend an interview with my bastard child in tow? He is the unfortunate result of a union twixt my last master and myself.
I took my shame off to the mountains of Wales but now i have found God and been quite forgiven. My issue is fast approaching 10 years and is in need of a munificent benefactor to act as patron and stump up for a place at some lesser public school...
My tiresome sister and her preachy parson of a husband have tried to disuade me from confessing my previous sins. All in the village think I was consumptive those 10 years past when I laboured...

I will forgo any salary in exchange for my son to be able to fall in love with your daughter and marry into money....

I could knock up some calves foot jelly if you'd prefer. And any that remains could be distributed to the deserving poor by your own fair (and tiny) hand.

PS How is the TB coming along?

Hurlyburly

My Shelter does indeed have Something Of The Commode about it - I infer from your desire to help me that you, too, have suffered a stay with Senator Parks.

Would that I could dispense with slimnanny - my command of the Sobernow Domestic Arrangements is somewhat compromised by my incarceration in this place, though.

I thank your for your kind gift of a rabbit to replace the one so sorely abused by Mason. I shall make use of it on the morrow, directly after my breakfast. I must look to my nourishment, for fear of contracting The Flume, about which I have heard much since my sorrowful arrival here.

Mrs Sobernow

hurlyburly our you forrin

im very suspishus of you becuz i am only marryed to my own hubbie he is forrin

he had to go to his home cuntry after we marreed he had to taek my passport and money with him its tradishun you sea

I fully appreciate that washing the outside windows in the cold with chapped hands is an understandble consequence of my lowly social standing. I deserve no better. I'm sure you have a sturdy servant who could hold onto my pantaloon clad ankles

(rather like teaching in any of the state sector iif we are being honest!)

To Sobernow


I Venture most humbly to Remind you, dear Madam, that your original Want was for a Spinster with no Hope of Attracting a Husband.

SlimNanny has now attracted Several Husbands, one of them Your Own. How Grievously you must miss the Noble and Agreeable Fellow of your Hearth and HOme. May I Suggest it is More than Time for You to Dispense with Her Services. Cast her Out, Madam, I pray.

So, Dear Madam, I have taken the Liberty of Enclosing a Small Token to Relieve you in your Hour of Anguish. Tis a Toy Rabbit that Waggles Most Amusingly.

I Trust that the Commodious Shelter in which You now Find Yourself is no Longer Being Disturbed by those Bicycling Amazons of which You Write So Wittily.

Yours

A Wellwisher

i hope they dont shoot you very much mrs sobernow

one of them birds mite have you you could get a big shock

i thik your rite about mr sobernow he probly wants to talk to me about jobs tomorrer

in fact he wanted to know about positions id bin in so he must be thinkin of a new carear

caremenere it is all very funy mking literery jokes untill some1 gets hurt then it is not funy at all blv me i kno.

Thank you for your application, Martianbishop You hail from distant parts, too, I gather from your name. How delightful that England should become a source of servile employment for those who come from overseas. What a welcoming nation I represent!

Martianbishop, you have a male friend with a 'hangdog' disposition have you not? Will this affect your work? Are you happy to clean upstairs windows from the outside?

Am I right in assuming that recent contact with active tuberculosis cases is not a barrier to employment?

If so I might be available, as long as my coughing blood into lace hankies is permissable.

Ps I like the odd run on the Moors in the rain, would this be a problem?

Now I think of it, Mr Sobernow may abandon the idea of Saving the Fallen.

As I was drifting off to sleep the other night he whispered something about wanting a Low Job. So, I think he may be looking to Go Into Service. Certainly, he has shown more interest in what happens Below Stairs lately.

Oh, heavens, the Bicycycling Ladies are carrying bows and arrows now! They must be planning some dark knavery. One of them has a Bird of Prey on her arm. I am in a terrible place!

hurlyburly i dont quite understand what your saying because you're english isnt very good

but if you want to bang me you hav to bye me dinner first i like kfc

aproblemlikemaria that show ended ages ago get with the program

hello in austria xcupcakmummyx do they have real kangeroose like on skippy

and about bicycles i think that is a treet for you mrs sobernow becoz i remember mr sobernow sayin he and his frends liked a good ride so he must want you to lern so you can join his hobby

i think he has a bicycle in his offiss because there was a man outside it who had a big chaine around his neck like he was going to ficks it and he had a rubbar thing too maybe it was something for a weel

Please b jkng wm

It is Too Late for her to gain her freedom, hurlyburly (you sound foreign, too) Senator Parks has a number of country settings to which Slimnanny could be despatched.

She will soon suffer my fate I fear. From my tiny villa here I can see Women on Bicycles! It is a travesty!

im in austria i will listen out for anyone

I cant beleive u r makng jokes abou Date Rape it is not funny sum ppl hav real prblms how wil they feal if they c this.

<sings:>
The hills are aliiiiive

<twirls round>

<giggles girlishly>

A husband with two children? What's so fearful about that?
I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence the spring will come again
But most of all, you see, I have confidence in me.

Do I get the job?

To Slimnanny

Madam,

I will not conceal from You my Great Concerns that Mr Sobernow is enjoying some Personal Gratification. To whit, I fear that without any Tender Preliminaries, Mr Sobernow is Pressing upon You some dose of Laudanum, and Rudely Emboldened by Your Insensibility, taking his Pleasure of You.

Flee now, lest there be any more Banging in Bangor.

Yours

A Wellwisher

i didnt here anywon mention sharon but i heard a mans name called ivor hardun

funny now you say it i remember somewon asking to show me there prince albert in my dream but it wasnt roylty it was like an earring but i carnt remember where it went

and speeking of germans i also herd somewon say about playing a german game called hide the wiener which is a germanish sossidge

*looks moody

Slimnanny, you heard Roofie say he was going to Bangor? You poor child - did they put you in a Sharon Bang? I believe that is what they use for women who accept alcoholic drink from them.

For men who they misuse that way, although I believe it to be Against the Law, they ask for help from Prince Albert. Heaven alone knows what he could do for them. I believe him to be German, though, so perhaps they are more open minded in the Alps.

Daytrip like a Day Out?

that makes perfect sense because im sure i over herd somewon say something like that song about having a hole day to bangor

that might of bin roofie i think he gave me the drink

Slimnanny, then you are undone. You have been 'daytripped' (at least I think that's what they call it)

Mr Sobernow will have introduced you to his cousin Roofie. I would help but I am temporarily detained at the convenience of Senator Parks.

i met mr sobernow in town but i reely imbarrassed myself please hellp

he gave me a drink i fell asleep

i had a Bad Dreem about a torcher chaimber with 5 odddd men in it and when i woke up my head hurt and so did my rear passage and now im walking funny

mr sobernow was very nice aboutit all he said to come to the house tomorrow to disscuss it all again

he asked me to bring my twin sister i dont know why and i had to write my name in my best Joined Up handwriting on a contracked

does this sound knormal

Oh, what has befallen me?! I find myself bundled into a carriage with nothing but the bombazine on my back! Mr Sobernow has arranged a short holiday for me in a hermetically sealed place of relaxation near Longleat!

He will be well served, as you suggest, by the nurse appointed to look after Fortnum and Mason (who waved happily at me as I was swept down our approach)

Aloha, your foreknowledge of my fate troubles me. Are you a spiritualist, or a conspiracist? We both know those are the only two types of 'individual' - which are you!

Mrs Sobernow, I fear you may be quite Overcome by the Demands placed upon you. You do not seem Yourself. Indeed, is that the Doctor with his trusty Straitjacket I see? For ladies with Appetites are most often best confined amid the Mad, I believe.
Oh, 'tis that your new Governess with the good doctor and looking so yearningly at Mr Sobernow! Alas.

Emmawoodhouse, I believe Mr Sobernow would be mightily intrigued to witness your palming off technique.

I am, however, becoming increasingly concerned by Mason's evident stupidity. Only yesterday he
mistook my rabbit for his own, the dolt. I had to spend all afternoon in the back kitchen picking cabbage leaves and straw from it. I fear it will not be fit for purpose until the smell of hay has faded.

I feel I need to stick up for Anne Bronte here who is clearly the governess queen.

<waves the other timezone flag miserably>

I am willing to offer my services in the field of governess recruitment. I have no small experience having bored the corset off my own governess before palming her off on to an old family friend.

Cali - I'm afraid I've got that one covered see here

I was not aware that here would be such an opportune spot to seek out new staff. We at Milpitas Manor are in dire need of a new Game Keeper. Our last was a lumpen fellow who, tho was competant at the tasks suggested by Lord Californius, had none of the qualities I was hoping for in such a position.
Should any of you know a suitable dashing fellow with all the usual game keeping skills plus a height of 6feet and two inches and tight fitting leather breaches, I would be grateful if you would supply me with a small sketch or miniature that I may take him into consideration.

Indeed I am, aloha. Pray that I may benefit soon from Attention Deficit.

My dear, you must often find yourself excessively Tired from his Attentions.

He is indeed, aloha, always open to a fucking job as you so delicately phrase it. He is an upstanding gentleman, quite often.

He is committed to saving the fallen and is contemplating the foundation of a House of Correction.

I believe he is on the verge of patenting a sticky white substance he may call Correcting Fluid, developed whilst he was trying to use what he called 'a rubber'.

The position is still vacant - as is Mason, sadly.

sadly, in these corrupt and cruel times, fucking jobs are the best a poor but genteel young woman may expect. I believe Mr Sobernow, a man of most disreputable character by all accounts, is a provider of many fucking jobs in these parts.

MissJane Eyre - the 'crack' you wish my husband to have knowledge of, is it intact so far?

Pray forgive my tardiness in replying - I was called upon to walk with Fortnum and Mason in the grounds a while.

Blu (is that your patronym, or are you foreign?) I detect from your reply that you are well versed in the 'needs' of a household such as ours. Although you may rest assured that your nimble fingers will not be required amongst my bedlinen.

Slimnanny - you seem to be fresh from the workhouse far too silly for my twins. An empty-headed ninny such as yourself, fit only for physical duties is of no use to me. Mr Sobernow, however, would like to meet you when he is in town.

loook blu adn jane eyre stop stealing my fucking jobs

I am enjoying these

I should have added that as my practical assignment in my Care of the Vulnerable Child at Lowood, I let my best friend Helen go into a terminal decline. So best not let the twins quote too much Samuel Butler at me, just in case.

For the kind attention of Mistress Sobernow,

I am immediately available, having recently graduated from Lowood Institute for Unwanted Cousins.

I will take on your twins, but on the condition that you are confined to the attic forthwith, the better for me to have a proper crack at your husband.

That annoying ringleted bastard Adele will have to go too btw

Blu


I'll pay you <searches purse> £46.79 if you have lunch with me.

Your ladyship, my i submit myself for consideration, for i feel i may fit your requirements almost exactly.

With regard to latin and Embrodery, you will find that in my attention to Latin declesions of all kind and in fact declined very little in the employ of my last master. With regard to embrodery, my fingers are well used to many pricks as I have toiled both night and day to relieve both my mistress and master in the duties of this nature.

£7 a year, a corner of a small garret for my bed and a new bodice should mine become ripped would be all that i require.

yours most humbly,

Blu

oh great another job on hear

i dont know what a spinstar is is it like a dj questionmark

i dont understand most of what you rote but im a very good nanny

your kiddie winks sound luvly

mmm Timothy Dalton... Mr Rochester.... mmmm.

THAT series (or was it a one off?) was worth the licence fee

I'll do it but only if there is a mad lady in the attic and your husband looks like Mr Rochester when Timothy Dalton played him.

Are you a spinster with no hope of attracting a husband?

Have you sublimated your sexual urges by learning Latin and Embroidery?

Are you in want of £7 a year?

Please apply to the address below and my husband and I may consider you for the post of schoolroom guardian for our twins, Fortnum and Mason. Fortnum is well behaved, but Mason appears to be a little more of a scamp.

Be warned - my husband's night time demands are rigorous and I am of an age where this is most tiresome. You may be called upon to press rather more than the children's clothes.