Tell me your 2-year-old has done worse?

(271 Posts)
CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Sun 14-Aug-16 23:54:10

I mean worse than shouting obscenities throughout a church service... I am still cringing and DH is at work so I have to get this out of my system and have nobody to share the horror with yet.

For background info - we went for a few days at the seaside this week. Since when DS is OBSESSED with beaches. Every time we get in the car he thinks that's where we're going. And shouts about it constantly. Except what he actually says is very clearly 'bitch'.

'A bitch', 'my bitch', 'more bitch', 'want bitch', and (my personal favourite) 'bitch pwease'. So far so toddlerish and moderately amusing though it wears thin when you're poked awake at 6am by a small person repeating 'mummy BITCH' at increasing volume.

BUT, this evening we went to church. And he was convinced as ever that we were going to the beach, and we were in a rush so I didn't have time to do the expectation management that I have been. Cue outraged astonishment when we arrive at church, and the 'bitch'ing starts.

Managed to keep him quiet for the first twenty minutes or so, mostly by stuffing in a mini cheddar every time he looked like he might start shouting, but I ran out just as the sermon started.

So when the priest paused for a dramatic silence after posing a rhetorical question, my angelic-looking toddler jumped up, and yelled 'BITCH!' in ringing tones.

This understandably threw the priest off his stroke somewhat, and he stuttered and completely lost his thread. All heads turned towards us, and meanwhile DS was getting into his stride and was unshushable.

This culminated in me slinging him over my shoulder and hauling him out of church while the entire congregation watched in bemused horror as he cried 'yay! BITCH! Yay!' with unmitigated glee all the way down the aisle because he thought this meant I had finally come to my senses and decided to take him to the beach instead.

I can clearly never go back.

wine

elQuintoConyo Sun 14-Aug-16 23:56:58

My 2yo used to call chocolate 'cocklick'. Although never in church.

Have more wine

Lilacpink40 Sun 14-Aug-16 23:57:41

This gave me a great laugh. My DD used to call clocks "cocks". Lovely when she'd point at men's watches from distance shouting "cocks mummy!"

MiddleClassProblem Sun 14-Aug-16 23:58:37

But you can teach him to say "bitch pwease" with one raised eyebrow

FortyFacedFuckers Sun 14-Aug-16 23:58:54

This is hilarious op sorry grin

Missgraeme Mon 15-Aug-16 00:02:37

My 2 year old is into wrestling - encouraged by older brothers. Grabbed a young girls arm in Asda last week announcing - choke slam yeah!!

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Mon 15-Aug-16 00:03:08

Oh yes we have the cocks as well. Every time a bell rings, in fact also helpful in church as he thinks it's a clock chiming. But I know when to expect those and am poised with a mini cheddar. Bitch is so far taking me by surprise...

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Mon 15-Aug-16 00:03:55

MiddleClass if all else fails I may just work on that...

ExtraHotLatteToGo Mon 15-Aug-16 00:04:06

There's not enough 🍹 some days. Really, really, not enough.

Two year old 'met' the teachers husband while out at an event, the teacher was Mrs Bates. Yep MisterBates, MisterBates... And the guy was so nice to him he kept on about MisterBates for weeks, top volume, every sodding where we went.

He was also obsessed with Cocks. We'd call them clocks. "MisterBates likes cocks". Top volume, in a quiet cafe, supermarket, whilst at the school gates to collect the older girl (fortunately young enough not to get how mortifying her little brother was being), every bloody where.

Lilacpink40 Mon 15-Aug-16 00:05:42

Next thing will be "crap" for "clap". May be another good one in church if your DC feels happy.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Mon 15-Aug-16 00:06:15

Hahaha Miss that's great. One of DS's other charming habits is to yell 'ready, aim, fire!' instead of ready steady go which gets some hmm. I blame him being in an army nursery...

ElornaElephant Mon 15-Aug-16 00:09:11

I am crying laughing, more wine for you!

My LO is 3 and has SN so does a lot of echolalia, this means that absolutely everything he says is repeated about a hundred times.

My personal favourite is when he's sat at the dinner table and plays that game toddlers play of throwing his cutlery on the floor and making mummy pick it up again hilarious

Until mummy gets bored of picking up the fork for the billionth time and leaves him to it

"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!"

bramblina Mon 15-Aug-16 00:12:09

grin I like this a lot!! Ds used to call a jumper a "bugger" and I'm sure there have been a few others along the way....wish I could remember them. You must write this in a diary- or print out your wee story above!!!

Magazinepile Mon 15-Aug-16 00:12:22

I think the classic "look mummy it's the fat controller!" is my all time favourite yet mortifying phrase! thanks to dc it was said at least 20 times today blushhmm

CharminglyGawky Mon 15-Aug-16 00:14:49

Oh bless him! Beaches are awesome and if it helps if I had been in that church I'm sure I'd be wondering what he really meant and I would have guessed it was toddler speak not really swearing... Not sure I'd have worked it out though!

I knew a girl who as a toddler in a naice restaurant (they were on holiday or special occasion of some sort) pointed across the room and said clear as a bell in the volume only toddlers can reach "ooh look at that HUGE cockroach!" That succeeded in silencing the whole restaurant as everyone turned to look in horror... It was an ornament in the shape of a cockerel! At least nobody thought she was swearing I guess!

LucilleLeSueur Mon 15-Aug-16 00:15:07

My sister had a very naughty little friend who she absolutely worshipped.
On a rare trip to visit cousins in London we attended their massive London-Irish Catholic Church.
During the hush after the priest said, "let us pray", my sister loudly and conversationally (and with uncharacteristically perfect diction) announced, "Do you know what Johnny McGrath says? Johnny McGrath says 'Fuck off!'"

GiddyOnZackHunt Mon 15-Aug-16 00:20:03

We unwisely encouraged dd to use her cutlery by saying "Yes use your fork, fork the pasta" etc. Which was fine until she bellowed FORK IT!!! in a restaurant blush

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Mon 15-Aug-16 00:20:18

Haha some of these are making me feel much better. I dont know how they always seem to pick the worst possible moment. Or how such tiny lungs and vocal chords can project to fill large spaces so well.

throwingpebbles Mon 15-Aug-16 00:20:33

My two year old calls popcorn "
P
She has brainwashed me so much by this that I recently loudly asked my two excitable 5 year olds, on arrival at the cinema, whether they would like some "cockporn" blush

throwingpebbles Mon 15-Aug-16 00:21:19

(Excuse the typos, my phone needs sleep!)

Ilikedogs Mon 15-Aug-16 00:21:33

grin that's hilarious!
My 2yo likes trucks which comes out 'fuck' so I have to say loudly 'ooh yes that's a lovely truck' if there's anyone nearby.

He has also taken to yelling either Santa or Pirate at anyone slightly portly with a beard!

Ilikedogs Mon 15-Aug-16 00:24:05

He also says 'oh shit' which sadly is exactly what he means. I failed to realise how quickly he was picking up language before curbing my own language!

ZippyNeedsFeeding Mon 15-Aug-16 00:31:24

My 3rd yelled "Dadda want cocklick Mamma said!" all round a supermarket once. I'd sent him shopping with his dad and told him that Daddy would let him have a sweetie. I absolutely deny all accusations that I knew he would say that.
His older brother, at about the same age, would put his hands over his ears at the start of the sermin in church and shout "Oh, just be qviet,man!"

BlueLeopard Mon 15-Aug-16 00:33:08

Child is very fond of cockporn (popcorn) and we also went through a phase of reading Town Mouse Cunt Mouse every night for months, and discussing it loudly out in public.

Bitch is funny.

jammh Mon 15-Aug-16 00:53:35

This thread is so funny. Dd is two and has three older brothers, the younger two of which are still vocally obsessed with willies and bums etc. Somehow she has decided that her belly is called a willy. Today we were at a party and she spent a large amount of her time walking around with her dress pulled up, patting her belly and repeating loudly 'willy willy willy' blush

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