Funniest bit of childbirth(745 Posts)
My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.
Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.
Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.
During the running sitcom that was DS's arrival (see previous post) My MW said I could have managed a sucessful home birth
Me 'don't think so I really need this G&A'
MW 'Oh we can bring a portable supply'
Me (out of my tree due to the whole can of G&A I've taken) collapses into hysterical laughter thinking/explaining of a BOC tanker parked outside pumping it through a tumble dryer vent tube via the window.
It was such fun it's a shame I don't ever intend to do it again
<warning. Cheesy joke alert>
I don't think my dp found anything funny during childbirth, but afterwards she was in stitches.
When I was in labour with DD2 there was a point towards the end (I think I was in transition) when I was really sort of zoned out and every time I had a contraction my eyes would roll back in my head. DH was holding my hand and whispered softly to me...."you look just Frodo when you do that". It was being videod and all you can hear at that point is my two doulas absolutely pissing themselves laughing.
These are hysterical
sockmonkey you brought back a vivid memory (30 yearsago now)(I was a child bride by the way)
of a tiny little woman coming to break my waters in yellow wellies and a plastic coat and I kid you not a sow'ester. Apparently she frequently got absolutely soaked and was taking no chances this time.
I had to present myself at the maternity unit as I was ten days late and they wanted to induce me with DD1, I can remember standing at the bus stop(no car) and saying to DH I've changed my mind, lets get a kitten instead.
This is making me laugh!
I remember thinking it was hilarious the the Doctor came in with white wellies on.... but he did need them! DH said he had never seen so much blood & gore. (Still think white is an odd colour for a wellie though)
These are really cheering me up.
With DD1 I was stood up leaning on the bed with my back to the mws and in betwwen pushes apologised for not even knowing what they looked like! I guess they thought the same but knew my bum well! I am caught on video immediatley after the birth saying 'I can't believe that was so easy'.
Second time around I tried for a homebirth at at mw shift change there were 4 mws in the kitchen drinking tea and reading palms whilst I bounced on ball with a bare bum!!!!
After transferring to hospital I realised I'd grabbed a posh black top with beads on it and then 'cos I had a drip I couldn't take it off and so did skin to skin with it bunched up at my neck which seemed very weird.
Oh yes also remember the journey to hospital when DP kindly took the scenic route with the mws in convoy, we parked at the unit door and I got out and screamed my way through a contraction next to a poor man phoning his relatives.
Not so funny was when my second G and A canister was empty and I had to wait 40 mins for a MW to go and get one from the hospital.
Sorry, got carried away there reliving my births, which I must add were fab, but I'm not doing it again.
lol lol lol
this brightened my saturday morning - and given this is my first - relieved teh sheer panic and dread!
No particularly funny bits, other than being distinctly aware I could hear a cow moo-ing. And realising it was me.
During C/s trying to gag/cough, finishing and saying 'you can start now' as they held ds up
me , contractions every 4 minutes, best friend, DH and me...all in my bedroom...me leaning over air conditioning unit, huffing and puffing through another contraction, BF helpfully massaging small of my back...DH saying ..'that looks like a good position! must remember that one for after the baby!!" me, without turning my head, saying in a demonic voice,'one more comment like that, i'll rip your f**ng head off' and recommencing huffing ....
i thought it was funny ! not sure about DH ! BF still reminds of it now and we chortle about it !
also DH , quietly eating an entire packet of custard creams , whilst i was in labour, as he was stood slightly behind the bed....and texting my friends 10 minutes before DD was born, saying 'nearly here', one friend was terribly impressed i had been able to do that ! i did tell her eventually it was DH !!!
see, knew i;d think of something!
oh yes !! and asking the registrar to let me stay in hospital 87 times, while she was giving me the pethidine....she was very sweet, and kept saying, 'of course you can stay' ..87 times.....bless her...i had gone a bit loopy with the pain at that point ( no pain relief and OP baby turning !! )
i was in labour for 2.5 days before actually going into active labour so thought i would do some shopping and lunching with my mum - had many a contraction in Starbucks <<ooh i'll have a chai tea latte and OHMYGOD there is another f'ing contraction - can i have that skinny with wings please >>
Other "funny" bits were being stitched up and i was sucking on the gas and air so hard i was delirious hearing DH saying "i can't get his nappy on - help" and a MW saying in answer to my question how long was this going to be "did i want my sex life ruined forever?" - err at that moment YES i did!
While being stitched up and very high on gas & air, threatening the consultant - "You'd better make a good of job of it else I'm coming to get you!" My DH was mortified as I'm so shy usually!
She then went over the other side of the room and muttered something to my DH. I shouted across the room - "I might be spinning on the ceiling but I can still hear you you know!"
playing flight of the bumble bee on the water on the pool(it was friday night is music night radio 2)
saying i,m glad i am not an elephant.
Mw saying they would have to give me rectal paracetmol did i mind. me answered well you have been in every other orifice i have might as well go the whole hog
with ds2 mw saying look we know you think you are going to poo and you will but you cant stop the baby form coming cos you are scared you will embarress yourself.
Me(lolling around on bed)'it hurts'
MW Where does it hurt goodasgold?
Me (sitting straight up, slightly worried)'in my fanfare'
With dd2 at home
Dh 'sorry I just need a minute'
Me MV looking at him with great concern???
Dh 'my nose was itchy...I thought I was going to sneeze.'
Telling the midwife to "Shut the fuck up and don't you dare speak to me like that again!"
She had snpped at me to keep the noise down mid contraction!
The funniest thing is, she did shut up, then someone else came in who was whole lot nicer than her.
When I was on G&A for the stitches (it lasted an hour!) I asked if anyone ever asked for their fanjo's to have an extra stitch in to be a bit tighter!! They didnt answer.
Also, the horrible doctor ran in stuck the knitting needle up me and told me to move around, then left. I was spurting water everywhere, trying to mop it up as I went along (WHY???).The lunch lady brought my sundat lunch into the delivery room (not supposed to) and I walked over and ate every single bit I could pick up with my fingers (no fork or anything) it was the best food I have ever eaten but was terrified the MWs were going to tell me off!
Watching Alien resurection (sp?) and thinking I was going to have to go through that!
Oh and making my DP leave the room whenever I needed a wee and the MW saying he was going to see much worse than that!!
Sorry I cant wee in front of anyone,ever!
these are brilliant, laughing so much
and also the nurses and midwives rushing around getting dh refreshments after both births and making sure he was ok as he is diabetic! lol
never mind me then!
'any chance of a brew round 'ere for the poor girl whose just squeezed that monster out?!'
when i told dh to fish my black scrunchie out of the pool as it kept floating past my face and the look of horror on the mw's face as dh did as with the dimmed lights she thought it was a turd! lol
at mrsdarcy and her dh eating the toast, my dh was very glad of a nice cup of tea after my labour with dd, I was in too much shock to eat or drink
ds labour was good, neighbours were out in the garden telling other neighbours I was having hb, the mws were eating lunch out there too, the shocked neighbours looked at them and said "and she has GOT visitors?"
I was half way up the stairs( to give birth in 20 mins) my mum arrived, because I had forgot to give her a dress for my dd to go to a party - I was standing on the landing, serious contraction and my dd had party in 15 mins, I wasn't exactly pleased to see her
after labour, lying in bed, with beautiful son, dh on phone to MIL "it was so much easier this time"
also... i asked the mw an the maternity ward ( i was kept in cos i had polyhydramnios) for pain relief and she promptly told me all i could have was paracetamol cos i wasnt in that much pain!! cheeky effer how the f does she know how much pain i was in grrr at this point i was panting and puffing my way through contractions every minute or so...
not so much in labour but...
my waters broke all over our bed at 930 am on a saturday morning,
dp: er i think u need to go the loo cos uv wet urself
ei: ok go back to sleep il go in a min... oh s**t my waters have broken!!
iv never seen a man move so fast!! it was like superman he was round my side of the bed in the blink of an eye to have a look!!
stupid unobservant mw: what makes u think ur waters have broken??
ei: erm well i dont routinely walk around peeing myself in plain veiw of the general public so thats a big effin clue i reckon!! also look at this big shiny puddle around my feet... can i have a wet- floor sign please??!! anyone??...
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