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Funniest bit of childbirth

(792 Posts)
rachelhill Fri 12-Jan-07 15:53:53

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

I was in labour on Christmas Eve, when a bloke wanders into my delivery room and announces that he's the vicar. "Oh, lovely", I say.
"We've got some carol singers on the ward, can they sing you a couple of carols?"
Well, you'd have to be churlish to refuse, wouldn't you?
"we'll sing 'away in a manger', then have one verse of 'silent night', for luck" he said with a

It was all rather surreal..

Oh, and Dh ate my mince pie while I was otherwise occupied having his child.(I've not let him forget that).

pistachio - I refused to go into hospital with ds1 until I'd shaved my legs. He was 4 weeks early, and I actually asked the mw on the phone if it was ok to go and shave my legs before I came in ....

pistachio Sun 14-Jan-07 22:23:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sizzixqueen Sun 14-Jan-07 22:23:26

With DD1 and pethidine puking EVERYWHERE and then offering to help clean up the room. In between contractions, obviously.

With DD2 DH says the look on my face when the midwife was unpacking the baby bag and pulled out a newborn size babygro and said "this won't fit your baby, love. Have you got a bigger one?" DD2 was a bit of a lard a*se, bless her. Can still remember the labour - best contraception is the memory of a nearly 10 lb baby.

Edam Sun 14-Jan-07 22:10:23

LOL at revenge placenta!

tiredandgrumpy Sun 14-Jan-07 22:09:14

Not funny at time, but obs consultant who earlier had told me that I was definitely NOT having a large child (he'd just done a scan at 35 weeks) had to hand over to his strapping 6'5" colleague when he couldn't pull dd out using ventouse. He then took 5 mighty heaves to extract my huge dd.

WideWebWitch Sun 14-Jan-07 21:56:42

My friend was being given an internal examination by the mw and found it painful so CLAMPED her legs shut, trapping the midwife, who desperately tried to reach the 'call for help' button with the other hand but couldn't. Apparently she kept saying "You HAVE to open your legs and let me get my hand out" ha ha ha ha

Opened this thread thinking hey childbirth isn't remotely amusing but first 2 posts have made me laugh.

Also my sister was being ordered to expel her placenta by independent mw who'd refuded even gas and air and she managed to shoot it across the room into mw's handbag. She said she thinks of it as her revenge placenta

mammaduck Sun 14-Jan-07 21:53:08

This thread has had me crying with laughter.

My favourite was the DH who ate the toast intended for his DW!

mammaduck Sun 14-Jan-07 21:50:39

While on pethadine, I emerged from a drug-induced stupor to announce:

"Isn't it lucky we're not on an aeroplane."

Well, yes, I guess it was...

Thunderpants Sun 14-Jan-07 21:22:33

nothing funny for me, but my BF had a student midwife in, who kept stroking her gently and saying are you ok? BF said no i'm f*ing not, and slapped her hand hard! Also had another friend who was high on pethidine and kept singing football chants and shouting "you're shit, aaah!" at anyone who came into the room.

CillaField Sun 14-Jan-07 20:54:05

Re: embarassing labour stories. I had my third child in a birthing pool which was fab, apart from the bit where I thought I was pushing him out and instead, up floated a nice big poo - which was swiftly scooped out by the mid-wife, using a plastic seive. I didn't find it funny at the time.

3Ddonut Sun 14-Jan-07 20:50:49

sorry, that should be 'hadn't offered dh any gas and air!!! doh!

3Ddonut Sun 14-Jan-07 20:49:46

During the preparation for the birth of my first, I had read that it is thought animals do not suffer pain the same way we do, but it is actually because they don't understand what is happening and don't know that another contraction is on it's way...so they sleep between contractions. I had no sensation at all to push and kept having to be woken to push at one point I was heard to wail ' I'm a sheeeeeeppp!!!!!'

Second: first push waters broke. dh: shall I get the mw? me: better had. third push ds born mw practically caught him as she walked through the door, mw: 'what a nice birth' me: you should try it from this end'!

Third: Suddenly realising part way through hadn't offered dh any: urgent request 'do you want some' dh: shaking his head embarrassed! Also dh thinks it's funny, me not so.... I knew I was having a girl, just after she was born, seconds afer, he said we've got a (masculine version of her name) me: whaaaatt?? him: he hehe he you should have seen your face!!

lizbet316 Sun 14-Jan-07 20:00:09

After DS had been delivered and Epidural was wearing off I felt the need to wee
Me: I need to wee
Stroppy MW: No you don't - you're just getting confused with the feeling of the epidural
Me: No I really need to wee
(MW reluctantly got a bedpan lifted me onto it)
MW: err...can you stop weeing now, the pan is getting a bit full
Me: no I can't
MW ended up having to carry overflowing pan of bloody wee down the corridor

Amiable Sun 14-Jan-07 19:17:45

DrunkenSailor – sorry, but PMSL at your story!! And Lubyloo, falling off your birthing ball! Ashayden – proud Dad then!

During the final part of my labour, the head had crowned, but the baby was not turning and the shoulders were stuck, so every time I had a contraction the head would come a little bit out, but as soon as the contraction had gone would disappear back inside again. The MW said, “ well the baby has a good handful of hair”, to which I replied, “well, pull it out by its f*cking hair then!!” (finally got her out with ventouse)

Also, earlier on, my ponytail had come loose, so I asked DP to sort it out. He made a right hash of it, so my mum offered to take over, and managed to ping the bobble against my head. I yelled, and said, “for heavens sake mum, I’m having a baby, I don’t need any more pain!”

Dh has just reminded me of anotyher: I was so high on G&A that when I tried to talkk to the midwife all thqat came out of my mouth were raspberries. It upset me quite a bit at the time, I was trying so hard to speak coherently, but kept blowing raspberries.

My first labour was so long that dh fell asleepon my hospiatl bed!

ludaloo Sun 14-Jan-07 08:48:00

(maybe it was hilarious after a while! Dh still tells people about it today!!...except he ellaborates and says I managed to knock pictures off the wall )

I have also remembered that dh actually missed dd2 emerging....she was delivered in approx. 15 minutes, so was very quick...but I had dh in a head lock for the entire pushing stage!!!!
(It was all too quick for pain relief this time...but believe me after my experience of no pain relief with ds I was BEGGING for an epidural! I fell out with the midwife...who just shook her head and told me to push!)

ludaloo Sun 14-Jan-07 08:32:45

well I'm told this was hilarious...I personally was in far too much pain to notice!!!..........

I was braving my second birth with as little drugs as poss (yes I know, Very stupid!!!)The midwife hurried in G&A but I was in too much pain and panicking way to much to concentrate on breathing!!! So the midwife in her efforts to calm me suggested I tried a new position. She had me up on all fours, with my head and arms draped over the back of the bed and my backside up in the air facing the midwife, dh, and a student
I was not too happy with this but thought I'd go along with it...it might help to get the little bugger out quicker!
Next thing I know is an almighty pop...A HUGE relief and much comfort!!!
"Oh my god" I thought "I've had it"!!!!!!
Seconds later...dh is up my end of the bed...I'm asking if everything is ok...Dh is soaked from the knees up!!!
My waters had exploded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I then realise I haven't given birth yet as a wave of pain hits me again....rolled back onto my back and a few pushes later my dear little baby had arrived!
I breathed a sigh of relief and looked over to the midwife and the student...who were also wet from the knees up!!!!!!!!
The midwife even had wet hair!!!!!!! EEEWWWWW!

ashayden Sun 14-Jan-07 08:20:45

After my ds was born via section, he was quickly held up for me to see and then taken over to a table to be checked out. My dh was watching them check him over. I hadn't seen him properly so I asked dh what he looked like. He turns to me very excited and said "He's hung like a horse".Everyone in the theatre lost it.

nappyaddict Sun 14-Jan-07 06:37:04

mines the same as yours saltire.

me - i need to push i need to push now.

mw - no no, its far to soon, you just need to poo.

mw scurries off to get cardbaord bowl thing

me - hmm ok if you're sure

my cousin (birthing partner) holy crap she was right there's a head. panics andshouts mw - its coming its coming it isn't a poo she was right

arfishy Sun 14-Jan-07 03:29:58

ROFL! These are hilarious.

Looking back I can't really think of anything too funny in my 32 hour labour. The only thing even vaguely funny was the comedy obstetrician shaped white patch on the wall after my haemorrhage.

BeautifulAva Sun 14-Jan-07 01:41:58

Apologising loudly, on all fours, high on G&A, to all, (whoever they were)for having piles.

jofeb04 Sat 13-Jan-07 23:08:48

Opps, I forgot about the time with dd when I was lying in theatre and the aneathatist was preparing a general, and I told him I wasn't having an injection, then a minute later, literally as he was next to me, I said I needed to push, and the mw looked at me and asked if I was joking. I said no, mw checked, and dd's head was out!

At the time, none of this was funny, but looking back, I remember the look of confusion when I said it!

jofeb04 Sat 13-Jan-07 23:05:40

With ds, i found it funny when a student doctor fainted onto the floor when the consultant did the episiotomy (sp?).

With my dd, it was saying I wasn't going to give birth unless they promised me a chinese!!
Also with dd, after dd was born and midwive took her to see the peeds (sp? again lol), then all I heard was cluttering and mw came screming out "I forgot the placenta"!!

Toady Sat 13-Jan-07 22:04:07

Lubyloo {grin] great image of your DH pulling you out.

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