Funniest bit of childbirth

(737 Posts)
rachelhill Fri 12-Jan-07 15:53:53

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

weeonion Sat 13-Jan-07 09:47:40

lol lol lol
this brightened my saturday morning - and given this is my first - relieved teh sheer panic and dread!

CatBert Sat 13-Jan-07 09:30:14

No particularly funny bits, other than being distinctly aware I could hear a cow moo-ing. And realising it was me.

UCM Sat 13-Jan-07 08:59:47

During C/s trying to gag/cough, finishing and saying 'you can start now' as they held ds up

lulumama Sat 13-Jan-07 08:57:11

me , contractions every 4 minutes, best friend, DH and me...all in my bedroom...me leaning over air conditioning unit, huffing and puffing through another contraction, BF helpfully massaging small of my back...DH saying ..'that looks like a good position! must remember that one for after the baby!!" me, without turning my head, saying in a demonic voice,'one more comment like that, i'll rip your f**ng head off' and recommencing huffing ....

i thought it was funny ! not sure about DH ! BF still reminds of it now and we chortle about it !

also DH , quietly eating an entire packet of custard creams , whilst i was in labour, as he was stood slightly behind the bed....and texting my friends 10 minutes before DD was born, saying 'nearly here', one friend was terribly impressed i had been able to do that ! i did tell her eventually it was DH !!!

see, knew i;d think of something!

oh yes !! and asking the registrar to let me stay in hospital 87 times, while she was giving me the pethidine....she was very sweet, and kept saying, 'of course you can stay' ..87 times.....bless her...i had gone a bit loopy with the pain at that point ( no pain relief and OP baby turning !! )

taylormama Sat 13-Jan-07 08:29:23

i was in labour for 2.5 days before actually going into active labour so thought i would do some shopping and lunching with my mum - had many a contraction in Starbucks <<ooh i'll have a chai tea latte and OHMYGOD there is another f'ing contraction - can i have that skinny with wings please >>

Other "funny" bits were being stitched up and i was sucking on the gas and air so hard i was delirious hearing DH saying "i can't get his nappy on - help" and a MW saying in answer to my question how long was this going to be "did i want my sex life ruined forever?" - err at that moment YES i did!

Truffy18 Sat 13-Jan-07 08:14:54

While being stitched up and very high on gas & air, threatening the consultant - "You'd better make a good of job of it else I'm coming to get you!" My DH was mortified as I'm so shy usually!

She then went over the other side of the room and muttered something to my DH. I shouted across the room - "I might be spinning on the ceiling but I can still hear you you know!"

bananaloaf Sat 13-Jan-07 00:10:59

playing flight of the bumble bee on the water on the pool(it was friday night is music night radio 2)

saying i,m glad i am not an elephant.

Mw saying they would have to give me rectal paracetmol did i mind. me answered well you have been in every other orifice i have might as well go the whole hog

with ds2 mw saying look we know you think you are going to poo and you will but you cant stop the baby form coming cos you are scared you will embarress yourself.

Goodasgold Fri 12-Jan-07 23:54:48

With dd1
Me(lolling around on bed)'it hurts'
MW Where does it hurt goodasgold?
Me (sitting straight up, slightly worried)'in my fanfare'
With dd2 at home
Dh 'sorry I just need a minute'
Me MV looking at him with great concern???
Dh 'my nose was itchy...I thought I was going to sneeze.'

colditz Fri 12-Jan-07 23:48:42

Telling the midwife to "Shut the fuck up and don't you dare speak to me like that again!"

She had snpped at me to keep the noise down mid contraction!

The funniest thing is, she did shut up, then someone else came in who was whole lot nicer than her.

When I was on G&A for the stitches (it lasted an hour!) I asked if anyone ever asked for their fanjo's to have an extra stitch in to be a bit tighter!! They didnt answer.

Also, the horrible doctor ran in stuck the knitting needle up me and told me to move around, then left. I was spurting water everywhere, trying to mop it up as I went along (WHY???).The lunch lady brought my sundat lunch into the delivery room (not supposed to) and I walked over and ate every single bit I could pick up with my fingers (no fork or anything) it was the best food I have ever eaten but was terrified the MWs were going to tell me off!

Watching Alien resurection (sp?) and thinking I was going to have to go through that!
Oh and making my DP leave the room whenever I needed a wee and the MW saying he was going to see much worse than that!!
Sorry I cant wee in front of anyone,ever!

skiwear Fri 12-Jan-07 23:44:36

these are brilliant, laughing so much

LadyOfTheFlowers Fri 12-Jan-07 23:37:05

and also the nurses and midwives rushing around getting dh refreshments after both births and making sure he was ok as he is diabetic! lol
never mind me then!
'any chance of a brew round 'ere for the poor girl whose just squeezed that monster out?!'

LadyOfTheFlowers Fri 12-Jan-07 23:35:35

when i told dh to fish my black scrunchie out of the pool as it kept floating past my face and the look of horror on the mw's face as dh did as with the dimmed lights she thought it was a turd! lol

singsalot Fri 12-Jan-07 23:35:01

at mrsdarcy and her dh eating the toast, my dh was very glad of a nice cup of tea after my labour with dd, I was in too much shock to eat or drink

ds labour was good, neighbours were out in the garden telling other neighbours I was having hb, the mws were eating lunch out there too, the shocked neighbours looked at them and said "and she has GOT visitors?"

I was half way up the stairs( to give birth in 20 mins) my mum arrived, because I had forgot to give her a dress for my dd to go to a party - I was standing on the landing, serious contraction and my dd had party in 15 mins, I wasn't exactly pleased to see her

after labour, lying in bed, with beautiful son, dh on phone to MIL "it was so much easier this time"

singsalot Fri 12-Jan-07 23:25:52

lol Enid

ei24 Fri 12-Jan-07 23:24:35

also... i asked the mw an the maternity ward ( i was kept in cos i had polyhydramnios) for pain relief and she promptly told me all i could have was paracetamol cos i wasnt in that much pain!! cheeky effer how the f does she know how much pain i was in grrr at this point i was panting and puffing my way through contractions every minute or so...

ei24 Fri 12-Jan-07 23:21:06

not so much in labour but...
my waters broke all over our bed at 930 am on a saturday morning,
dp: er i think u need to go the loo cos uv wet urself
ei: ok go back to sleep il go in a min... oh s**t my waters have broken!!
iv never seen a man move so fast!! it was like superman he was round my side of the bed in the blink of an eye to have a look!!
also...
stupid unobservant mw: what makes u think ur waters have broken??
ei: erm well i dont routinely walk around peeing myself in plain veiw of the general public so thats a big effin clue i reckon!! also look at this big shiny puddle around my feet... can i have a wet- floor sign please??!! anyone??...

mrsdarcy Fri 12-Jan-07 19:44:52

Being induced with DS1
Midwife: you might like to get changed into some nightclothes for when you deliver the baby.
MrsDarcy: no thank you very much, I'll leave my clothes and underwear on.
I realised after a while that there was no way I could avoid having to take my pants off.

Just as I was about to start pushing DS2 out, DH rolled his sleeves up past his elbows in the manner of a vet delivering a calf. The midwife asked him what the hell he thought he was doing so he kept out of the way after that.

Funny in retrospect: being given some toast v shortly after delivering DS2. DH thought it was for him and ate it gratefully commenting on how badly he needed it.

Collapsing into hysterical giggles at the idea that the poor consultant stitching up by fango was "doing macrame" ... ahhhh, gas and air...

After a little to much gas and air (to DH)..

"Am I having a pedicure?"

No dear.

jollymum Fri 12-Jan-07 18:44:23

DH chatting away to lady in labour, having carefully made sure the door and curtsins round it were closed. Me, showing my bits off to all and sundry? Not me, missus! The indignity of it...the look of total horror on DH's face when he came in and told me he'd been checking the notes of said grunting lady and realised it wasn't me. Had a quick shufty at the business end, decided it wasn't mine and left quickly.

loujay Fri 12-Jan-07 18:21:00

DH offering me 2 paracetamol prior to going to hospital "to take the edge off"
DD was born 40 minutes later

finecheese Fri 12-Jan-07 18:19:16

Poo, is what springs to mind. The birthing pool was full of it after I'd been in there - except for the bits that the midwife had kindly scooped out with a colander which my DH told me about later. Then i shat again in theatre when they did the ventouse. Dignity out of window, but amazed and chuffed they my DH didn't piss himself laughing till we got home...

twickersmum Fri 12-Jan-07 18:18:43

with dd1 head came out (VB) then contraction finishes with her still half in me. She started wailing, we're all waiting for next contraction for me to give further push to get the rest of her out, seemed like eternity, midwife says "it's like buses, when you want one it doesn't come along"...
all the time baby's head sticking out of me!

Enid Fri 12-Jan-07 18:16:45

my best friend, drunk, laying on the side of teh birthing pool, waving a glass of champagne at me saying 'come ON come ON Enid get on with it then you can have THIS!'

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