Funniest bit of childbirth(781 Posts)
My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.
Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.
Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.
Sorry if I've commited a faux pas concerning a classic thread, but I've got to tell this 35+ yrs later. So here's the story....just delivered a girl. Had episiotomy. Needed stitches. Also delivered by epidural. So Dr sits down between my legs to stitch. Meanwhile I have a reaction to epidural. Legs in stirrups start shaking uncontrollably. Young Dr says " are you shaking because I'm between your legs"? I kid you not. WTF.
I had two moments that DH still ribs me about.
First one, when DD started to move down and I felt her head moving... I announced in a very panicked way that I was "shitting a tennis ball"... Took the midwife a fair while to convince me otherwise!
Just at transition, same midwife offered DH a drink and he gladly accepted a coffee. Oddly enough, this narked me intensely and I proceeded to ask why he got rewarded for not doing anything other than sitting there! I got a glass of water and promptly proceeded to do what I'd done throughout pregnancy and labour... Puked it everywhere...
This thread has turned me into Mutley the dog!!
DS - labour started Friday morning and eventually had him Monday morning. Turns out (discovered during DD's birth 4 years later) that I have wonky pelvic area and he was stuck. Was totally off my face on G&A and they decided to break my waters. Was led down giggling hysterically after they had done it cos I thought I was in a coffin and said I'm gonna drown if it doesn't stop coming out!! Many hours later and still puffing Away despite DH's attempts to get it away from me I say bolt upright (like the undertaker from WWE), pointed at DH and shouted I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!!!!
During DD's birth she got stuck with her chin pushing against my bum so all contractions were there! After eventually being told I could have a epidural a really grumpy anethitist banged on about how it would take so long to set up, Administer and take effect when an enormous contraction occurred where I screamed by bum is breaking!! He moved very quick to Administer it and even told me to push the button for an extra bit every 15 mins. Throughout all of this my DM was sat watching and afterwards told me by bum was expanding like a baboons every contraction!! Why she never got up and moved I will never know!!
I dont remember this myself as I was sky high on gas and air but my DH takes great pleasure.. quite often in fact.. in telling me that I farted in the face of my midwife as she was inspecting my fanjo.. he said it stank like hell and she made her excuses and left the room.. quite possibly to die.. haha! he always brings it up when I tell him he stinks!
High on entonox during labour with my first DC I convinced myself there was a TV in the corner of the room that was showing Loose Women (there definitely wasn't). I told DH: I've just had a dream about Loose Women and now I've got a Nolan Sisters song in my head! DH: Have you? Which one? Me: I'm In The Mood For Dancing, it's pissing me off because I'm really not!
Cannula came out at the same time as my waters broke leaving a bloody mess all over the bathroom of the induction room. Almost reached level of haemorrhaging so delivery room, bathroom, induction room and bathroom were covered in blood everywhere like a crime scene. Midwife who delivered said I would be remembered as 'the bloody lady'.
Not funny at the time but the sheer look of panic on the midwifes face when she realised that when I said my breech baby was coming, she really was bloody coming! Had told me I was definitely not in labour for the previous 6 hours and then realised I very much was.
Then arguing with the anethiatist over how easy it is to sit still mid contraction with no pain relief whilst he stuck a huge needle in my back
I realised I needed to lay off the gas and air when I was being stitched up and started giggling because it tickled.
I don't remember laughing once. But I do remember the midwives laughing right at the end of a four day labour when I was pushing and pushing. I asked them what they were laughing about and they said "don't worry, you can have surgery".
They were taking about my piles...four days of labour wasn't fun.
They actually laughed. Never forgotten it and it was right after I had been told his breathing was up the swanny so I needed to get him out NOW.
Talk about the most inappropriate laugh ever. Chelsea & Westminster Hospital if anyone wants to avoid..
Five weeks ago. Had waters broken in theatre then shipped to labour ward and put on drip to get labour started. After a few hours I was on gas and air solidly and pretty woozy. We had the radio on in the room, Magic FM was the station and I zoned in on the DJ presenting the news.
DH: you ok?
Me: magic news! It's like fairy land!
DH and Midwife: what?
I eventually told them that the DJ had announced "we're now going over to the magic news room for the headlines" which to my addled mind sounded like noddy would be next on the radio.
I live in a country where everyone is a footie fanatic (not UK) and when I was in labor this other woman was in a bed next to me (public health, don't ask), when the Dr tried to make conversation to make us feel more relaxed (?) he asked where we were from. We told him and turns out there are football teams from both our cities, so he started saying, "oh whoever has the baby first means their team wins!". Every time he came back to check on us he would say, "oh such and such team is winning, a couple more centimeters!".
Another gas and air victim.....I asked my midwife who was male if he had any kids. He said no then started rabbiting on about his dogs saying they were just like children. I said 'well you didn't have to shoot them out of your ass did you?' My DH was mortified!
As the anaethestist came into the room to do pre c-section checks, a contraction began and I inadvertently rolled onto the tens handset setting it to full power, cue screaming from me and an incredibly concerned doctor until I managed to shout 'I'm sat on the tens machine' to my DH and he yanked it off the wires.
my eldest child had just been born by caesarian, so was fairly blue... my (now) ex said "errrr is he supposed to be that colour? He looks like a smurf!"
Was so out of it with pain during my induced labour that I removed my pessary, jumped on it then innocently told the disbelieving midwife it had fallen out. Not so funny at the time, but makes me giggle a bit now, It had previously come out when they'd put me in a bath (assume it went with my plug?) but they'd put it back in at my insistence
DH finds it hilarious that after I'd pushed the head out the MW said "well done, you've pushed out the head" and I said "Fuck, that was just the head?!"
Once DD was born DH phoned his parents, gave them all the details and measurements etc, his mother screamed "what is it?!" down the phone after he'd been whittering on a her for a good 10 minutes!
DH had to stop rubbing my back at one point because the completely insane position I'd got myself in on the bed meant it was hurting his knees, he got himself a fairly blue response to his complaint about his knees, and there is paracetamol packed in the bag especially for him this time round!
Back ache at home, couldn't sleep. Got up and had a shower. DH came into the bathroom as I got out to see why I was up. Waters broke all over his feet and the floor.
We went up to the hospital a couple of hours later and I was 6 cm. Lots of walking around and then I decided I would have an epidural but it was too late.
Pushing and DH says 'D'you want half a ham sandwich love?'
Me ' No I am vegetarian .'.
we have only been married 5 years
Bit later, DH ' Lu you're squeezing my hand really hard and it hurts'.
Me ' Oh fuck off. And I'm fucking telling you now if my fanjo falls out I am holding you entirely fucking responsible. And we are never ever having sex again. Have you got that?'
I can only blame the gas and air for this. behaviour
Bit later, me ' I'm pooing myself.
Midwife 'No you aren't'
Me -- in a stage whisper-- 'I am, DH have a look at my bum. Is she lying? She's a liar, a poo liar isn't she' and apparently I giggled.
Ooh great thread!
My contribution was the midwife'd horrified face when my dog tried to eat my newly delivered placenta. Still makes me chuckle
Ahh I loved my DDs birth! I was hooked to the drip and really needed a poo! The midwife got me a commode and I barked at everyone to get out so I could poo in peace... Well I was contracting every bloody minute so it was a massive struggle just sitting on the thing. All the while my DP & DM kept popping their heads in sayin "you done yet?! need any help" JUST FUCKKK OFF AND LET ME SHIT IN PEACE!!!!!
Saucy, the doctor who confidently told me the gas would not make me throw up lived to regret that particular comment.
I was saying i felt sick, the midwife assured me i wasn't going to be sick so to calm down.... Yep all over her.
Then when i was given my son covered in blood and poo "i'm not licking him clean" i read an awful lot of James Herriot during pregnancy.
I DO NOT talk like that in everyday life btw
Off my cake on gas and air and it made my voice go really weird. It made my DH laugh and I said whilst midwife was present 'Stop laughing at me just cos I sound like I am sucking cock'!!!! Obviously so embarrassed later on. I'm sure the midwife had heard worse. Mind you, I also thought there were kids outside the room playing clap hands!!!
Not that I recall a lot of birth1 as I was quite high on everything that had been thrown at me (it was a very long labour), but my DH loves to tell everyone how I was whispering to him that I was mortified that I was sure I was going to poop in front of the clinician lead team. Apparently they found it quite funny too as I wasn't so quiet. I practically had a whole room reassuring me that I wasn't pooping, that giving birth did feel like you were pooping. Fun times!
Being left alone in the delivery room for a few minutes after the birth, with a cup of tea. Swigged it down gratefully then realised I was going to be sick. Couldn't find anything to spew into so sicked up into the cup
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