Funniest bit of childbirth

(745 Posts)
queenofthepirates Sun 30-Nov-14 23:23:53

I had a really long labour with DD and probably a poor choice of birthing partner in my mother. She managed to drop a cannister of gas and air on my foot mid contraction which I only clocked afterwards when I found a mysteriously swollen, blue foot post labour and she confessed.

I had opted for a home birth and had a pool ready. The only thing was we'd never actually filled it with hot water and our tank didn't have anything like enough water to do the job. Cue birthing partner and mum running across the road to get the neighbours to put their kettles on to fill the pool and lots of sniggers from the MW.

TooMuchCantBreathe Thu 27-Nov-14 22:09:08

The first time it happened wasn't so funny, the second time was amusing - now, with hindsight it makes me giggle!

Dd 1; after a couple of hours "I can't take it, I have to come in" "no dear (complete with implied pat on the head) take some paracetamol and we'll see you tomorrow" 1 hr later we were there "I really need pain relief" "look we'll bring you in and take a look but we're busy so you'll have to wait" 30 minutes later "dp buzz them, I need to push" mw arrives, sighs, rolls eyes, tutts. Lifts sheet, turns puce, yells "press the red button" and catches dd (and most of the waters grin)

Dd2; ^^ exactly the same only much quicker, right down to the "press the red button" screech! grin grin

You'd think they'd give me some credit seeing as it was my second and my notes said PRECIPITATE all over them in red! The look on their face still tickles me now, many years later. In fact I meet the assisting mw a few years ago (I work there niw). She actually remembered me, apparently mw1 was known as a bit of a dragon and it had pleased everyone when she emerged dripping and somewhat embarrassed!

cherubimandseraphim Thu 27-Nov-14 01:01:53

The midwives had quite a chortle at the point when I was bellowing at the top of my voice: "THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THE FUCKING HYPNOBIRTHING VIDEOS" (I, however, was not finding things quite so amusing....)

tahunny Thu 27-Nov-14 00:52:25

Proper laughing at some of these. After being induced for baby 3 at 9am, contractions started mildly around the 3pm mark. Coming strong and fast by midnight. Down to delivery to be told only 3cm. 3fuckin cm ffs. Felt like my insides were escaping apparently through hole size of a pea shooter. Baby came at 5am and dp stayed until 7 where he then announced how tired and exhausted he was after having a baby and was off home for well earned sleep. Me on the other hand was stuck waiting around until 9 to get up to the ward. We sure get the raw deal lmao

HellKitty Fri 21-Nov-14 06:25:29

#1 I was having extremely bad contractions and the MWs decided to put me in the birthing pool. I had to walk past a group of rosy faced expectant mums who were being shown around the health centre. I was screaming GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY like a mad woman. I think about half of them started panicking that second about their labours.

DC3 XH was at home (he's have been next to useless anyway) so it was just me and the MW. She asked if a student doctor could attend as it was his first birth. He sat all evening telling me how amazing and brave I was through teary eyes. He kept on and on. When he nipped out to the loo I begged the MW to tell him to shut the fuck up. She laughed.

MummyPidge Fri 21-Nov-14 06:02:44

Just sat and cackled at a lot of your stories, and as my first post I would like to add my own! Baby was struggling due to meconium causing lack of oxygen for her, and causing my blood pressure to bottom out therefore I was rushed in for an emergency C by a massively panicked team (who went in the wrong entrance to the delivery suite, so I was trapped on the bed with a screaming consultant and anaesthetist who was trying to top up my epidural!) they laid me flat which caused me to puke everywhere, I then almost fell of the table! Anyway, they had propped my head up causing massive pain in my neck, I then started trying to bribe the anaesthetist to give me an epidural in my neck because of the pain, offering money and kisses blush as a reward! Occasionally shouting am I dying, it feels like I'm dying (which, to be fair I was confused, talk about gallows humour!) then asked my best mate the anaesthetist to put in a good word to get me my own room as I didn't want to be without my partner. Then when they told us it was a girl I asked them to check about 4 times as I was sure it was a boy and they had got it wrong! I must have said more (but can't remember for obvious reasons!) as one of the midwives came up to me and said that it was the funniest time she had ever had in c-section! Good to know someone was having fun haha

BendyMum15 Wed 08-Oct-14 03:09:01

During my second labour MWs asked if had any names lined up for baby girl.
DH: We have a list but waiting to choose. We like to see the face (why he chose this way of saying we want to see what she looks like first I'll never know!)
Student MW (with a totally straight face): Cedarface, that's intetesting.
Me: No, he means we haven't decided yet because we want to see what she looks like.

Later the student MW gave us a card thanking us for letting her deliver the baby and as we hadn't settled on the name it was written out to BendyMum, BendyDad and Cedarface!

jellybelly701 Tue 30-Sep-14 10:41:42

When I was 37+6 I told DP that if he didn't get up in the morning for work (annoying alarms) I would tell him my waters had broken. At 4am they actually did break and he didn't believe me until I stood up and almost flooded our bedroom. I waddled straight to the shower with a mirror to erm, de-bush whilst he cleaned the kitchen.

On the day assessment ward and the midwife told me that I was not in bad pain, I almost punched her.

Absolutely off my tits on G&A I was floating around the in the BP, sleeping in between contractions. I hadn't spoke for a good twenty minutes when all of a sudden I lift my head up and say '' oh its just like NCIS you know when Gibbs zzzzzzzzzzzzz''

Whilst pushing DP called me a good girl after a mammoth push, I spent the next five minutes repeating 'jellies a good girl'

During the last ten minutes of pushing I was completely silent before screaming 'it burns' and returning to silence.

As soon as DS was born I asked the midwife if I had done a poo, she said no and I told DP to pay up the five pounds he owes me because I won the bet.

I was just handing the MW back my G&A tube when she told me she was going to put her finger in my bum. I grabbed the tube back and carried on chugging.

LittleMissRayofHope Tue 16-Sep-14 21:54:32

Just realised as well. My DH very nearly missed DS being born. We had been in all night on maternity ward contracting and he went out to get us coffees and pastries as it didn't seem to be happening. He literally walked back into the ward to see me being hauled into a wheelchair and rushed to delivery suite.
They ran me through the hospital, into delivery, delivered baby and our coffees were still warm
We found this surprisingly funny!

LittleMissRayofHope Tue 16-Sep-14 05:33:32

From DD - had diamorphine to speed things along and try to sleep abit (after 50 hours contracting at home to only 3cm!!) and was using G&A with contractions. Started reciting Spider-Man (the film) in great detail to my husband!! And apparently I was Spider-Man in the story!

DS - again, diamorphine and G&A. Decided I was the star from twinkle twinkle. Lay there singing the tune and 'shining' at everyone (no idea but I was certain I was shiny).

Also, crazy thing to have happened:
My midwife who delivered DD also delivered DS!!
She was a 3rd yr student when dd was born and I just loved her. And when we went in to have DS she was a fully qualified midwife - didn't recognise us but that's hardly surprising! But I was just like 'oh my god! You delivered my daughter!!
Maybe not funny but definitely cool!

Roobix04 Sun 17-Aug-14 18:09:26

Pmsl at some of these!
My dd was born in April and when she was put on my stomach right after the birth the first thing I said was "She looks like an angry gnome!" bless her heart lol.
Also when my mum was in labour with her dd3 (my little sister) the midwives were watching Supermarket Sweep in her room. So Dale Winton was probably the first thing my sister saw!

awsomer Fri 15-Aug-14 00:03:41

I love this thread. I've just read it all in one go.
It's funny to think of how old everyone's babies are now, it was years ago when this thread was started and long may it continue!

mrspremise Tue 12-Aug-14 22:36:27

When a dozen workmen in bright orange high-vis jackets walked past the window just as a contraction came to an end blush

Teddybeau1988 Tue 12-Aug-14 09:03:39

With DS we got 'evicted' off the antinatal ward during an induction. After 12hours of strong contractions back to back, it got to 4am and the screaming and swearing got too much for the other ladies on the ward. Despite being 0cms and not even in labour, they bundled me up in a blanket and sent us across to delivery. Poor DH apologised to everyone on his way out, and turning to the lady who was opposite is said ' that's not going to do your blood pressure any good is it?'

Looking back it was quite funny

PedantMarina Fri 08-Aug-14 15:09:52

After the docs sewed up my c-section, I piped up with "does everybody know where their watches are?"

I'd like to say it was the drugs talking, but the truth is I have a sick sense of humour. and was probably channeling House

ToriaPumpkin Fri 08-Aug-14 14:57:00

I've come back to this thread now DC2 has been born.

This was my second induction and it didn't go entirely to plan - too fast, too slow, not responding to drugs etc etc.

After 8 hours they decided to break my waters as the morphine I'd begged for combined with the drug they gave me to slow my hyper-contracting had led to everything slowing down enough that I could hold conversations. In walks a lovely Nigerian registrar who makes a joke about not being able to swim. In my drug induced haze I told him how funny, I've a friend from Lagos and he can't swim either! Fortunately lovely Dr was lovely and didn't get offended.

I did enjoy the moment DH walked into the room having been called in at 5am and asked me 'how are you?' upon getting no response as I was busy with the entonox he asked 'is it sore?'

I insisted that every time I stopped pushing I could feel the baby going all the way back up.

As I hit transistion like a train DH and the MW were having a nice chat about a mutual friend. I just about managed to splutter out 'I really think the baby's coming now' before my 16min second stage began in earnest.

CallieG Wed 25-Jun-14 11:10:35

During my 2nd child's birth the midwife said she saw the head crowning, and told me to push really hard on my next contraction, well my daughters head was not crowning she was hung up on the umbilical cord like a sling , it was not around her neck it came up from her belly in front of one shoulder, went over the back of her neck and then down under her armpit , not aware of this I pushed really Really hard, the baby came as far as possible then stopped but the bag of waters got pushed past her, I have one more mighty heave and the bag of waters EXPLODED shock all over the midwife, the nurse and the wall behind them, my husband gasped in horror, the nurse just stood there with all this muck dripping off her confused and the midwife, a veteran trooper, she dove in unhooked the baby and delivered the shoulders, I was heaving, pushing and laughing so much I actually did shit myself. blush

Flowerfae Mon 09-Jun-14 22:39:16

Just finished reading all of these.. they are brilliant smile

DS1... I can't really remember anything apart from the midwives thought he was stuck so went to prepare for forceps, the minute they had walked across the room he shot out across the bed. I remember looking down and thinking 'oh my god... there's a baby there... where did that come from?'

DD... I had asked for an epidural and the anaesthetist and midwife were trying to do it (it was unsuccessful in the end due to my weird back) but I could hear them talking and one of them said '... its actually the first time i've done one of these' I said to DH (I thought i had whispered but apparently not) 'omg.... which one said that?' ( I later felt awful because it sounded really rude). Luckily it was the midwife who said it... not the anaesthetist..... DH said anaesthetist was chuckling... midwife wasn't (think she had her sense of humour surgically removed actually) ... Oh and as soon as I had DD... she stuck a dish under my face with the placenta in and said 'want to have a look?' I threw up smile

DS2 ... midwife suggested I use a birthing ball... as I hadn't used one before... I sat down on it and it flew out from between my legs and I ended up falling backwards onto the floor... DH couldn't help me up straight away because he was laughing too much (git also sat eating a chip butty..... I did managed to steal a few when the midwife went out of the room though).

soapybubbles123 Thu 29-May-14 21:03:30

Marching out of the house to the ambulance in bare feet.

After taking the first gulp on G&A at home and sinking to the floor in relief (DS was back to back and arriving v quickly), the paramedic saying 'Are you sure you can't get in the car, you'll be hours yet'. Turns out I was in transition and had DS 30 minutes later.

Being off my face on G&A, realising the midwife was called Ursula and having to fight the urge to tell her that she was a sea witch (a la The Little Mermaid).

Arriving on delivery to be told DS was most of the way out and saying 'Let's get on with it then'(I was booked for an ELCS but DS had other ideas).

Sendintheshiraz Mon 26-May-14 20:17:57

Me to DH: "get this f***ing thames machine off of me, it's shit


gabywatson Sun 25-May-14 16:27:32

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Odaat Sun 23-Mar-14 16:12:55

I remember having the pessary in as part of being induced. All was fine one min, then all of a sudden wham! Incessant and excruciating contractions started - every two minutes ! Relentless agony... By the fourth or fifth one I had ripped all the monitor stuff off of me and ran to the toilet as i seriously thought I was going to vomit/piss/shit myself in pain! Awful! (But rather funny in hindsight )

DishesToDoButCuppaFirst Sun 16-Mar-14 08:36:40

I was going into labour at home with DS and had the show coming out into my knickers. Tried to get to the loo but our cat came in with a HUGE dead rat, first and only time, and laid it at my feet so I ended up holding the rat by the tail with one hand and my big contracting belly with the other and throwing the rat out of the front door. Maybe the cat was trying to help? confused

DP had made a quick trip out to the supermarket while this was happening. He was away for what seemed like ages and when he arrived back had bought a magazine for what he thought would be the long slow boring haul ahead. Ended up being a full on intense labour with no reading opportunities for the next ten or so hours smile I shat myself unashamedly in the pool in front of birth partners, DP and the MW, no one seemed too worried and I was past caring. I cared the next day when an uncle whom I rarely see insisted on visiting and copped a lovely eyeful of bloody, pooey pool water in the lounge cos we hadn't had a chance to take it down blush

During labour DS got stuck and no amount of bone crushing pushes from me would shift him. Transfer to hospital... The ambulance arrives at our house and two ambulance guys are in the lounge, standing around taking their time, introducing themselves to me, while I'm hunched groaning and heaving on the floor. I thought I don't give a shit what your names are get me in the fucking ambulance! But evidently didn't say it out loud... smile

Our neighbour thought his flatmate was having loud crazy sex that night but it was me being half carried groaning and neighing down our driveway to the ambulance blush

DaleyBump Fri 31-Jan-14 14:48:01

Oh, I also had an epidural and decided I needed a poo. My mum and DH left to give me some privacy and the midwife put me on a bedpan, but I just couldn't poo lying down. I knew I had to sit up but the midwife wouldn't let me so I asked her if she would warm up my heat-pack. She left, leaving me by myself, and I promptly heaved myself off the bed to go to the toilet. Another midwife came in while I was standing up and asked me if I was okay, and I told her that I really had to go to the toilet. Fine, she said, on you go. I was really confused at this point and asked her how to unplug my epidural and the look of shock on her face when she realised that I'd had an epidural and was standing up asking to go to the toilet was brilliant grin she panicked and called in two other midwives, totally convinced I was about to collapse at any moment. I didn't but it was brilliant grin

DaleyBump Fri 31-Jan-14 14:33:55

I was having incredibly intense contractions when the mw asked to examine me and break my waters. Took my leggings off and heaved myself up on the table for the mw and consultant to burst out laughing. I had no idea what they were laughing at until the mw said "we've not perfected keyhole surgery through pants yet!" blush

MrsBright Wed 29-Jan-14 12:07:11

Walking dreamily through the nursery and looking for my wee one in her little crib (she'd been put in there while I had a shower and an important chat with a consultant), I stroked a little head and said 'hallo sweetpea' and went to pick her up.

'Your baby is over here Mrs Bright....'

Well, they all look the same don't they?

joannah87 Sun 26-Jan-14 22:01:16

In the hazy half an hour post delivery when the midwife attached her mining headlamp, got out a needle and thread and disappeared between my legs. That was surreal!!!

ZingSweetApple Sat 25-Jan-14 20:41:37


Wherediparkmybroom Sat 25-Jan-14 19:58:27

Telling the dh to pick up the baby we were off, the midwife then said can I deliver placenta first! One hr later I'm out of here!

DipMeInChocolate Sat 25-Jan-14 19:54:01

High on Gas and Air in the birth pool listening to my chill out music and pushing to "Deliver Me" by enya. I remember trying to convey the irony, but DH said I was mumbling at the time.

MatriarchMommy Sat 25-Jan-14 19:46:52

This is fantastic gringringrin

RandomMess Sat 25-Jan-14 19:33:07

Just bumping for those that have never read this thread grin

Millenniumbug1 Sat 21-Dec-13 19:47:51

For me, with my 1st born, just as his head was crowning in the delivery room, a man from British Gas opened the door saying he'd been sent to investigate a reported gas leak. I remember the midwife shouting at him to get out & no way was he entering the room. TBH, by that time, I couldn't have cared if they'd marched a division of the light infantry through !!!

MayfairMummy Thu 19-Dec-13 20:30:55

Had an ERPC on tuesday, and for some reason, reading all 700+ messages in one hit on tuesday night cheered me up no end... reminded me of 2nd home birth....

We were living in a basement flat directly opposite a well known london embassy with very high security. Somehow the fire alarm in the building went off during the birth. Given our location, the occasions when this happened always led to at least 2, usually 3 fire engines arriving pronto, all the firefighters tumbling out, and a top to toe search of the building, just in case. Cue DP attempting to explain that now really wasn't the time for the firefighters to be traipsing through our flat. Of course, they were required to make sure all was ok so some back and forth followed. When DP finally admitted I was in last stages of labour, they wanted to take me to the hospital in the fire engine instead ... I'm pretty sure DP managed to convince them to go home in the end, but I have to admit, I was in my own zone the whole time and i'm not sure i would have noticed the extra body or two in the flat......

FindusCrispyShitCakes Wed 18-Dec-13 04:49:39

My friend who had given birth a few months before me said her husband took his ipad into hospital and watched the England match. I made the mistake of telling DH this and he assumed the hospital had wi-fi (rather than friends hubby having a better iPad than us with 3G on it).

So he brought ours in, and despite the fact that I was very close to giving birth (contraction 1 minute apart) and no footy matches playing at 1am, he kept banging on about wi-fi. I was kid-contraction when he asked the nurse "do you know what the wi-fi password is?". I stopped using my gas and air to turn to him and tell him what a twat he was (I'd stated swear word free until then).

I was also convinced the baby's head was going back in when I was pushing, and declared this likely.

But worst of all, this wasn't funny at the time as I was having a huge postpartum bleed and the midwife literally stuck her whole hand inside me to stem the blood, but later on (still a bit high from drugs) I told her that's the first time I'd ever been fisted blush

There were 2 things for me. The first was when DH was helping me to put the TENS machine on and we'd just got the pads in place and switched it on. It was early labour so I was doing ok at a low vibration (no 2). DH then sat down on the control which turned the TENS on to full power (10) and I yelped and nearly shot off the bed. It bloody hurt at the time, but is funny looking back on it.
The 2nd had us in fits of laughter, a nurse came in to my room (to give me another jug of water I think), and I was lying on the bed chatting to DH who was sitting next to it. He'd plonked himself down on my wheelchair earlier on and we were talking about what i'd packed in my hospital bag. He stood up to go and check something, and the nurse screamed and nearly had a fit, she said that she'd thought DH was the wheelchair user when all of a sudden got up and walked across the room

HoneyandRum Tue 18-Jun-13 14:18:23

Our children were born in the US as DH is American. I was bearing down to push out dc3 when the three nurses in the room started calling out numbers excitedly. Despite my drugged up confusion I realized to my horror they were guessing the baby's weight. And those were big numbers.

Then the OB/Gyn doc says "HoneyandRum you're not having a baby you're having a toddler!"

DS was born, quickly weighed and was just under 11lb. They tried to print his newborn footprint on these specially made cards but his toes and heel dangled off the edges. We also had to get him a special sized baby bucket carseat as he was too long/tall.

He's now 6, the youngest in his year but still the tallest, my little cutie.

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Sun 02-Jun-13 00:05:28

I delivered my ds myself in the hospital toilets. I'd been induced and had been timing my contractions on an app and was being told I was in final stages. Midwife didn't believe me. A different (lovely) midwife came to check me a few hours later (6am) and my waters broke everywhere - possibly in her face. I promptly vaulted off the bed and ran to the toilets shouting 'I need the loo!' -I remember she looked very surprised as I disappeared into the sunset.

2 minutes later and I had pushed twice (on the loo) and the head appeared. I panicked a bit because I thought the original midwife was going to tell me off, so I pulled the emergency cord. Heard a voice asking if I could unlock the door (derp) and I shrieked something to the effect of 'No! I've got a baby hanging out of me! You get in here!'

One more push, ds promptly free falls down the toilet. I caught him, held him up and we stared at each other - I swear we both looked equally shocked. Suddenly the door bursts open and about 7 midwives come charging in - with the second midwife (who I'd escaped from) marine-crawling across the floor. I was grinning like an idiot at this point.

themidwife Thu 30-May-13 21:27:21

DC3 home birth - decided I really needed to sit on the loo in the ensuite & of course as soon as I sat down started giving the most almighty push. DH said OMG I don't want the baby going round the u bend to which I (off my face on entonox) replied "Don't worry she'll bungey on the cord!" Midwife & DH took one arm each & threw me from the toilet onto the bed & the baby shot out like a cork. Luckily the midwife was one of my closest friends & when I opened my eyes tears were rolling down her face she was laughing so much! grin

ItsTheYoniWay Sat 25-May-13 05:02:32

While they were giving me the epidural I kept asking "Is it in yet? Is it in yet? I can't feel it in yet?" and OH sat opposite me trying to keep a straight face.

KnittedC Tue 21-May-13 19:09:31

During the third stage, lying there with my legs in stirrups and the doctor asked me to cough. I gave a cough, nothing happened. "Don't you want me to push?" I said. "No," says the doctor, "just give me a little cough."

'Oooookay,' I think, not expecting a little cough to do much. "Ahem" says I, with a feeble little cough. Next thing I know my placenta has shot straight out of my fanjo, prompting the doctor to literally do a small (ineffectual) hop backwards, before I hear it slap him in the thigh and slither down his leg.

He did not look impressed, and slunk off to change his scrubs while the midwife and trainee attempted to hide their laughing. Upon his return I was very apologetic as he was the one stitching me up, luckily by then he saw the funny side and told me he'd forward me the dry cleaning bill grin

Boomerwang Thu 16-May-13 22:31:51

One more thing: I was convinced I was doing a poo and I kept shouting for someone to remove the poo from the bed before my baby was born as I didn't want it to be covered in shit! My boyfriend was actually moving the covers around trying to find it for me!

Boomerwang Thu 16-May-13 22:30:32

I was doing pretty well on gas and air until the last hour and a half of labour (four in total) but then decided that yes, I would have an epidural now thankyouverymuch.

After waiting what felt like an age for the doctor to come and sort it out, he kept missing the spot. I could feel the needle grating on my spine. After every attempt I had to stop him so I could get through a contraction. He said I needed to lean forward more - difficult with a huge bump in front of me? Eventually I begged to lie on my side and try it that way. He tried six times in all and seemed satisfied with the result in the end.

It didn't work. I still had more and more pain so I asked for him to come back. I lay on my side as I waited and waited and waited... then I whispered (stage whispered apparently) to my boyfriend if he doesn't come back right now and sort his mess out I'm going to slit his fucking throat!

He was already standing behind me blush

He increased the pain relief through the epidural but that didn't work either. I begged for him to be called back again, and this time I was boiling with rage. I felt a burning sensation and my body decided to push without my consent. I felt a big gush and shouted 'head out!' which apparently the midwives weren't expecting as they pushed me backwards to lie down. I'd leaned forward so that I could see my baby being born. I was quite pissed at this and shouted 'I can't see! My tits are in the way!'

I was later told that the anaesthetist finally arrived just as I'd shouted about the head being out. He'd taken one look, turned on his heel and disappeared looking a shade green.

10storeylovesong Wed 15-May-13 13:12:36

During a pretty traumatic premature birth I started passing out due to blood loss. Understandably my dh and dm were very worried and the consultant came rushing in with consent forms for an emergency section. My dm said she knew I was going to be ok when in the middle of the questions I was asked if I'd ever had a boob job to which I quickly came back around and pointed at myself while giving the woman a withering look and saying "does it look like it?!"

rachi1990xx Sun 05-May-13 23:23:21

My funniest parts were havin gas and air after havin my baby for stiches i remember jus waffling on at my poor partner then wen a pessary was placed in my bum i sed 'ooo shes a bit freindly' lol then wen i stood up to take a shower i sed 'ooo it dont half hurt dwn there' everyone was in bits xxx

cantpooinpeace Fri 08-Mar-13 13:28:19

When I asked the midwives to "stitch me up properly as I didn't want to look like a ripped bus seat"
(Drunk on gas & air)

Loz1980 Sat 02-Mar-13 23:45:57

During first labour and off it on gas and air I started singing some song from The Little Mermaid and telling my DH and DM how I'd seen the film at the cinema with my friend Julie when I was little. The midwife was trying to tell me something important and I vaguely remember DH and DM trying to shut me up long enough to listen. I wasn't having any of it and was sure my story was more important than anything. I think I was waving my arms about for effect too.

CorrieDale Sat 02-Mar-13 17:14:53

I explained, several times and with increasing patronism, that I needed a poo. The midwife explained, far more patiently than I deserved, that I was actually having a baby. I took myself off to the cloakroom where I did not produce a poo. The baby however arrived some hours later.

littlesos Sat 02-Mar-13 15:41:06

Lovely quick home birth with dd2, until PPH. Ambulance arrives, can't take baby in the ambulance as there are no child restraints, all going a bit fuzzy, then the midwife starts to throw up. Apparently shes really car sick. Get to hospital and she has to be pushed in a wheelchair behind me on the trolley. Not funny at the time, but everything turned out good so can smile about it now.

Debbylou Sat 02-Mar-13 01:20:07

First baby ds was in labour all day but didnt know it lol spent the whole day cooking a full sunday lunch and just having a little sit down on the stairs when the "braxton hicks" were bad lol looking back it most certainly was not bh, mum and dp were telling me all day Debbylou your in labour me saying no am not it doesnt hurt enough to be labour well by 1am it did hurt enough haha, cue 16hrs in the bath on gna me out of my mind and talking utter shite and midwife trying to get me to eat cold soggy toast to boost my energy my reply you eat the stuff its icky nasty n cold, best part was dp's reaction to ds arriving and just staring at everyone like who are you people and why is it so cold out here, then dp had to leave the room while placenta was delivered because he almost fainted haha grin

NishiNoUsagi Mon 26-Nov-12 01:05:06

Attempted vbac with DS2 didn't go as planned, and became a c-section. At this point contractions were pretty strong, and coming every other minute. The anaesthetist doing the epidural only had a 1 minute gap between contractions to get the epi in, and it took him countless attempts over 10 minutes. So there's me curled over in a ball, naked from the chest down, leaking copiously as waters had been broken, but despite this in fits of laughter as every contraction bought about an unstoppable flurry of guffs.. It was kind of "ow ow ow ow argh feck feck feck parp parp paaaaarp.. hahahah ouch! parp haha ow squeeep!! hahahah.." for 10 minutes. The poor anaesthetist visited me the next day to check for after effects, and all I remember saying is "No, are you ok?? I'm so sorry for all the guffing!" and hiding under my pillow..

Sokmonsta Sun 25-Nov-12 19:01:47

Gas and air! Had it for labour with dd. tried to put the pipe in my ear, at which point they took it off me for a little while. Telling everyone I could do that again then, while high on g&a and the consultant was stitching me up, telling him to see it right up as there was no way I was doing anything that hurt that much again. blush

Ds was a planned HB. He arrived 4 minutes before the mw. I had screamed and hollered my way through early contractions (wimping out cos I wanted my g&a). Then thought I'd better close the back doors which were wide open. Had to go to hospital for stitching again. Originally told I'd be given a spinal block. Consultant decided it wasn't that bad and I could do it on gas and air. I was flying that time! White light, conversations between mw and dh and I that were entirely in my head. Bawled my eyes out when I had the g&a taken away (slightly too early) and apologised profusely for being able to labour and deliver ds with nothing but crying when it came to the stitches.

Dts. Arrived at DAU cos my waters were leaking. Was monitored and then waiting for dr while they decided what to do. Told dh contractions had started and sent him to get my bag as I knew we weren't going anywhere. Contractions got big time and I'm standing at the end of the bed, holding on for dear life and crying with the pain. Mw sees I'm not alright and hurries to get someone. By the time she's back, I'm pulling my trousers off because t1 was coming. Hear 'she's crowning' as I'm getting on the bed on all 4's, still crying and trying not to scream as there's a packed waiting room next door. They whisk a sheet over me, push the bed through the packed waiting room while telling me to breathe and not pushblushblushblush

Then we get to delivery and all I'm doing is begging for g&a, telling them I can't move without it - they're trying to get me on a delivery bed but their pipe is the wrong side so too short. Nearly fell through the gap between beds! Finally get it then the damn mouth piece and pipe separate so I freaked. T1 arrived in 2 pushes. Dh had returned just in time to catch everyone whisking me off.

I am lucky that I can see the funny side to these, especially the twins as that did also traumatise me. But we had many more amusing episodes when I stayed with them in hospital for 13 days. Inc being asked by a hcp whether my boy/girl twins were identicalconfused

GeekLove Sat 24-Nov-12 22:53:16

For me it had to be my grand entrance with DS1. We were going along the A46 until just before the turning we heard the fwap fwap sound of a puncture. So we drive VERY slowly to the hospital where it turns out I am T the wrong entrance. I realise I am going be sick an do so RIGHT in the middle of the floor.
Also at 4am finding that Obama was president on the radio I clenched my fist and shouted YEAH!

Katla Tue 06-Nov-12 15:56:24

After being in labour for about 30 hours and only being 6-7 cm dilated, childbirth did not seem amusing in the slightest - then I had an epidural and was given a hormone drip to speed things up. Numb was good.

Six hours later, the doctor said I still wasn't fully dilated as there was still a bit of cervix there and I was prepped for a CS and taken to the theatre. When we got there they examined me again and said cervix had eventually fully dilated and they were going to attempt forceps instead.

It was then totally surreal as a roomful of about ten people introduced themselves to me from the floor space approximately between my legs which were by that point entirely numb and open to the world in stirrups. 'Hi, I'm George and I'm the xx', 'I'm Caroline and the consultant...' etc. Dignity totally out the window - nod and smile....

Then after the baby was born, another older man who looked quite like my dad, put each of his arms around my (still spreadeagled) thighs and towed me forwards down the operating table to the edge - for the doctor to stitch me up sitting on a stool. If I hadn't laughed, I think I might have cried!

Then when gingerly feeling the car crash that was my nether regions after all of that - telling my DH that my a**ehole felt like a car tyre grin

INeedThatForkOff Fri 02-Nov-12 09:32:29

I gave birth on Monday. While being stitched up, the consultant said something about having a while off work now. I will be doing, but I also do private tuition and stuff, and mentioned that I'd be returning to that much sooner.

'I tutor x [consultant's colleague's son], actually,' I wittered, high on happy hormones and a shitload of gas and air
'Oh, that's you is it?' he replied, at which it occurred to me how undignified exposed my situation was grin

Anyway, he explained that he'd been hoping I would tutor his daughter, but his colleague had told him I was heavily pregnant for a while. However, he'd be in touch when I got back to it in January.

It was so wrong, but very funny, to find myself drumming up business while the consultant has his head down the - er - business end grin.

theressomethingaboutmarie Thu 01-Nov-12 08:15:54

Birth of DS1 in August of this year. I was in the pool and starting to push;

Me: I'm having a big poo
Midwife: I think you'll find that's your baby......

Rachel130690 Sat 20-Oct-12 22:44:38

This thread is amazing. I have read the whole thing.

I had my first on the 14th Sept 12. I was induced.

Had waters broken at 11.40, drip started at 12.40. Oh was sent out for lunch as it would take a while to get sorted. Started on g and a after 3, and I remember whispering to my boyfriend that I needed water, was afraid of being too loud so kept a really hushed voice. About 4ish I begged for diamorphine, but I couldn't remember what it was called so kept asking my boyfriend what's that other drug called I want, got angry when he couldn't tell me.

Mw went to get a doc to sign it off and my monitoring machine went mad, was beeping flat out (in my head it was a dance tune) was in so much pain I got my boyfriend to ring for mw, 2 came rushing in and a doctor, I'm wriggling about on bed in agony gas and air tube clenched between my teeth, when I seem doc I took it out and had a full conversation about how I knew him and did he no me. My boyfriend said it got very awkward then.
Doc had to take blood from baby's head, took bottom of bed off and had my feet in stirrups, I remember my left foot kept sliding down and mw shouting at my boyfriend to hold it steady as doc doesn't need my foot in his face smile

Was very high and kept having conversations in my head and then randomly talking about them as if they were real my boyfriend was clueless.

OnARole Wed 03-Oct-12 15:13:09

On gas and air I was convinced there was a whole bunch of reindeer in the room and kept saying to my husband he had to tell me what was going on and the reindeer couldn't talk properly! grin

issimma Wed 03-Oct-12 15:10:37

Mw laughing and saying 'you're probably not in active labour, but I'll examine you and get you a cuppa before you go home.'
Then examining me, and saying 'do you need to push, get on your knees, you're fully dilated.'


Hallucinating on g&a while being stitched.

Me and student mw bitching about her supervisor in the toilets like schoolgirls, when she helped me with my first wee!

WantAnOrange Wed 03-Oct-12 14:44:56

Just had to add this one from my labour, monday afternoon...

DH: is that more waters?
Midwife:, she's just weed on me actually...
DH: OH! wantanorange do you want me to help you to the loo?
Midwife: I think she's too out of it to give a shit really....

blush shock

MrsMymble Fri 21-Sep-12 14:53:43

The most brilliant thread smile...when DS3 was being born, the midwife had asked DH to support me squatting. Just at the moment of delivery he remarked 'this looks a bit like those books from the 70s doesn't it? Only with fewer beards' It was just the light relief I needed (midwives didn't laugh though!!!)

ILiveInAPineapple Sat 25-Aug-12 08:08:43

I have loved reading this thread!

After my 30 hour labour, I had am emcs, and my DH was hanging round the screen watching the whole thing! When he then was handed DS, the mw told him to sit down in case he fainted - must be a "rule".

I was laughing hysterically after being sick on the mw who didn't believe I was going to vomit as they were cutting me open. DH was mortified that I was laughing at her!

All in all it wasnt that funny a birth, at least from my point of view! Gas and air was like being drunk without a hangover although I didn't really speak other than to say I wasn't having any more babies ever in between each contraction!

When in labour with DS the doctor was called to check my progress, as he came into the room someone said "the doctor is here to see you" my reply was "I've done a little poo for him" - it still makes me giggle that despite worrying for weeks that I might poo in labour I'd lost all dignity at that point and didn't care!

zinaida Tue 31-Jul-12 02:27:43

I ran out of swearwords so had to resort to ordinary words- clearly remember writhing around yelling 'Pissing shitting bollocking f***ing c***ing ... DAFFODILS! Bloody... BISCUITS!'

Very earnestly informed the midwife that I thought I was going to have a 'really nice' baby and him (male midwife) laughing at me.

Interrogating the anaesthetist about what booze he liked so I could buy him a present because my epidural was AMAZING, he said he didn't drink so i stared at him, thinking furiously and asked in a really intense voice 'Do you like CHEESE?'He laughed at me.

During my C section I stared at the light fittings, one of which sort of looked a bit like Zippy and muttered over and over 'As long as Zippy's smiling it will all be alright'

I then asked DH to tell me something to distract me. He said 'I love you' and I hissed 'NO!TELL ME A STORY! NOW!' And got angry each time he dared to break eye contact.


MissTapestry Tue 31-Jul-12 01:23:43

Love this thread!
MW was about to start stitching me up so I wailed- 'I really want a tidy fanjooooooooooo!' (thanks MN grin)

I broke the g&a so it was flooding the room- MW said she was getting high, and they'd wonder where she was if she didn't reappear outside cos she was high! grin

feedmecake Sat 07-Jul-12 12:12:54

Watching the whole of Singing in the Rain on the laptop we took into hospital with us whilst doing the yellow brick road walk and singing along to all the songs. Midwives faces were a picture every time they came into the room.

Midwife staring at my [ginger] pubes, going quiet for a bit then saying, 'has DH got any ginger genes'. I felt very awkward but considering how little modesty I subsequently had I laugh about this now.

Baby being brought straight onto my tummy only for her to do a huge meconium poo all over me.

BiddyPop Tue 03-Jul-12 16:09:46

The funniest bit to me was ringing my Grandparents house at 9am, to tell them that they had a great-grandaughter. There was complete silence and you could hear the confusion.

I had had Christmas dinner in their house the night before (we refused to go to our own parent's houses, as I was NOT staying 160 miles from my hospital on my due date). There were 2 grandparents (then 86), 5 of their 6 kids and 3 husbands/wives, and then 3 grandkids (me - with DH, and my 4 year old and 5 month old cousins - my Dad's the eldest, their dad the youngest). Including my uncle who is a priest.

Dinner was an evening event (I think we ate about 7pm) and as DD had decided to move downwards, I had room for and really really enjoyed 2 helpings of turkey, 2 helpings of pudding, and a glass of wine. We moved to the sitting room, to open the MOUNTAINS of presents at about 9pm. At which point I realised that the "oddness" I'd been feeling all day now had a name - I was having contractions.

So I sit quietly through a few pressies, walk up to the loo and back down, sit again, go put on the kettle as others want tea, stand behind my chair for a while and then sit again. DH is oblivious to all this. The 2 kids are having a ball, and 5 month old shows no signs of needing sleep. Their mum is on 1 side of me, the priest on the other. I hold out until 11.30 - when I think I can plead exhaustion. DH realises as we are saying goodbye (which takes another 20 minutes) that I am breathing a bit funny.

We essentially went home to change out of fancy Christmas clothes into rugby shirt and tracksuit, and back into hospital. My lovely dinner reappeared (boo). I mostly calmly got on with it all.

Mum and Dad, and PIL were all a bit "that's wonderful, talk to you both later, congratulations (yawn), bye now" at shortly after 6. But they had been ready for it at any time.

Grandparents were just speechless as we had "only just left them!". And how they hadn't had a clue what was going on at the time!!

takingiteasy Sun 01-Jul-12 21:49:39

I was in the pool and laughed every time e bit of my mucus plug floated past you. I asked dh to get a net and win a prize but he wasn't playing. I also farted and the bubbles went up my back. Cue more laughing from me!

Then I got onto dry land and 10 minutes later ds2 was here. A good song was on, the drugs were rushing through my veins, I shouted out 'this is great' in between pushes and I remember the midwife saying she'd heard it all now! And who said refuse drugs? Its the best bit!!

AngelNanny Mon 26-Mar-12 14:49:03

Also forgot the add, the same doc then still at goal end when I was being stitched up and saying 'oooo you might have to go to theatre' and me replying 'your determined to get me in that bloody theatre for something! blush

AngelNanny Mon 26-Mar-12 14:44:57

I had a few funny bits back in August when I had my DS, my first birth too.
I was induced so on antenatal ward

Being in the bath when they told me I was two centimetres and saying will they let me have an epidural and my mum said no. Then when I got out of bath 20mins later my mum saying 'oooo we forgot to use the tens machine lets see how it works' then her reasons leaflet....suddenly I shout 'omg get someone I need to push'
Followed by 4midwives running in saying I'm 9cm they need to get me upstairs!

Equally as funny was the look on my mums face as she is still holding tens machine and trying to gather my things and midwife shouting....'there's no time, just leave it, we've got to go! Hahaha

When actually pushing the midwife saying 'every time you stop pushing, your baby's head goes back up and me replying 'well I'm never gona get him out then!!!' grin

Then the midwife saying 'your baby just needs to come round the bend of your pelvis' my reply was 'is it a big bend'.

Then as soon as he is born, midwife say 'oooo you've got a tiny baby' (5lb 11oz), followed by 'for such a tiny baby, he's got ever such a big willy!' blush haha

Also il never forgot the look on docs face when I got to birthing room and he said 'what are you doing here?!' he had told me half hour before someone would see how I was progressing in 4-6hrs! Haha

Also said doc being present (baby was very distressed) but he actually pulled up a chair and sat at the goal end having a good look and threatening me with an emergency C-section. I didn't want C-section or my baby to me distressed so got him out myself with no screaming or pain relief. The midwives then say 'wow uv got an incredibly high pain threshold!'

Oh the joys or child birth grin

2kidsintow Fri 23-Mar-12 23:26:50

Being asked by my MW while in full labour, just as she was about to do the episiotomy,
"Do you do a lot of horseriding?"

I've never been on a horse in my life. Apparently, my muscles 'down there' were firm and strong.

Not any more they aren't.

whereismymind73 Mon 02-Jan-12 21:10:21

My DD is 10 but I still blush when I think of this...

I was quite naive when I was pregnant (despite being 28) and knew that the baby would come out but had no idea that so many people would be going in! I had pre-eclampsia so was in hospital quite a lot and had lots of internal exams sad
Now the midwives were NOT gentle (no foreplay or anything... fnarr) -and I developed a real phobia of internals and used to shoot out the top of the bed trying to get away.
About 4 weeks before my due date DD was in distress and my BP was through the roof so they decided to try to induce me and explained that they would break my waters but I would need an internal exam. I freaked a bit and they were lovely and said they would take me to the labour suite and I could have some gas and air to help me relax. Am sure they thought I was a big baby but were very nice.
Got to the labour suite and was put on gas and air and the doctor went about her business (I should add that there were a group of medical students in the room too as I had quite a bad case of pre-eclampsia so I think I was seen as an interesting case). The gas and air was great and duly I felt my waters break (I was surprised at how much liquid there was, again quite naive!) and I took the mask off - the room went very quiet and everyone was looking a bit uncomfortable but no- one was saying anything, am sure it was only a few seconds but it felt like ages <tumbleweeds> I asked what was wrong and started crying and eventually the lovely wee doctor said...

'can you please put the mask back on dear, I do need my hand back!'

Oh the shame.....

lindy100 Sun 18-Dec-11 20:22:27

The me? The mw...

lindy100 Sun 18-Dec-11 20:21:27

With DD1 I was induced and while walking round the hospital trying to get things going DH gets stung by a wasp.

Cue endless comments along the lines of 'that REALLY hurt!' from him.

Oh really?!

While waiting for my forceps delivery, leaned over to the anaesthetist and 'whispered' in the loudest voice ever, 'you know, I fucking love drugs!'

With DD2, at home in the pool, typical shouting from me of 'I'm doing a poo!', to which the me replied, 'no, you're having a baby.'

It was only a couple of seconds later that I heard her aside to the other me along the lines of, just hoik that bit of poo out quickly...

StealthPenguin Fri 16-Dec-11 09:51:14


StealthPenguin Fri 16-Dec-11 09:50:49

Picture the scene. Me lying in a hospital bed in the dead of night on a completely dark ward sucking on Gas & Air, my mother falling asleep next to me and my partner sitting there grinning like a look.

DP: No, no. You're doing it wrong. Pretend you're Darth Vader!

From then on everything was a Star Wars reference. I think at one point, when my Midwife did an examination and said she could feel a full head of hair, I made it clear I didn't want to "give birth to a Wookie on the Death Star". I also remember something about R2D2 being C3PO's "robot-jockey" and how I wish they weren't gay for one another.

Completely out of it! And I was only 4cm! I normally have quite a high pain threshold but labour slayed me!

Apricots Fri 16-Dec-11 00:17:32

Me (in between pushing) "Let's just go home & adopt a Chinese baby!"

I also fell off the bed when I had t firs few puffs of gas and air and was quite content to lay on the floor - mw just gave me a pillow and left me to it!

CalamityKate Thu 15-Dec-11 23:41:17

During my second C-Section, "whispering" to DP "At least I won't end up with a big old baggy fanny", then hearing the theatre staff sniggering and asking "Did they hear that?" and the nurse nearest me going "Yep" and realising that my whisper was in fact probably louder than my normal speaking voice.

SixFeetUnder Thu 15-Dec-11 23:34:52

Haven't had time to read everything (even though I've been reading all night and laughing so hard!) but this thread is brilliant!

My funniest moment is definitely with DS2 - my waters had broke in the car on the way to hospital (had an bicker with DH before leaving as I wanted him to put a bin bag then a towel on the seat just in case, he didn't think it was necessary, was slightly glad to be proved right!). It was a very cold morning, even though it was April (we are in Scotland after all) and as I got out the car the combination of warm wet trousers and cold air meant my trousers started steaming! I was mortified! blush

CheerfulYank Mon 12-Dec-11 03:46:33

This thread is making me feel very sad that we don't have G&A sounds MARVELOUS.

When I went in to have DS, I was walking across the parking lot saying to myself "you don't have to do this again if you don't want to. This is one day. Just one day. Get it over with and never get pregnant again if it's horrible."

Then labor turned out to be much easier than I'd thought, and as the doctor was stitching up my bits I told her joyfully "I could do that again! I could!" She grinned and said something like, "please wait til I've finished here". grin

PermanentlyOnEdge Sat 10-Dec-11 22:59:11

Being sent outside the hospital to walk around to speed up contractions after being induced with pessary, and bumping into my boss, the area manager and the regional manager who all stopped to ask me when I was due. My boss was female and was all excited when I answered 'now', but the two managers were 6 ft rugby types and both simultaneously turned white and stepped back in horror.

Asking the MW for g&a and being asked whether it was the pain or the fear of the pain which made me ask??! Wtf? Just give me pain relief! Turned out I was in transition? And she thought I was only about 4 cms. I demanded an epidural as MW wanted to speed things up with a drip so they went off to organise. My mum said have a wee before you get stuck in the bed on the epidural so I sat up, and 6 pushes later DD was there. No MW in the room, I put my hand down and go 'she's here, she's here', mum hits the big red button and dP goes running down the corridor yelling for help. DD delivered on next push after 6 people come crashing through the door. 5 mins later a cheery doc sticks his head in door and goes 'Epidural? Oh! Guess not then! Congratulations!'

Asturimama Fri 18-Nov-11 08:47:04

I love this thread! It would have been good to have read it before delivery, although it may have made me too jealous as there is no G&A in Spain and it does sound great! :0

I have no recollection of this buy my DH swears that around 6 or 7 hours into labour and with no pain relief at all at that stage and after being sat on a chair strapped to a monitor for at least 2 hours I gestured to him to get closer, put my face 2 inches away from his and whispered in true Hannibal Lecter fashion "I am going to kill you"...

I think he believed as well smile

MagicLJS Sun 04-Sep-11 21:16:38

Realising as I was pushing ds out the iPod we'd taken in to listen to in the room was blearing out 'sweet child of mine' by guns & roses!

Also, when pushing the midwife pushing one of my legs back whilst I was on my back, and insisting my dp do the same with my other leg. To say he was 'hands on' and had a close up view for the arrival of ds is an understatement!!!

shakey1500 Sun 04-Sep-11 21:03:57

Great thread. A couple from me...

I am a terrible car passenger, very nervous and a bit anal about Mr Shakey going over the speed limit. En route to hospital, in labour, intense contraction, gripping onto the handle for dear life I said to dh "I know I normally don't like you driving fast but PUT.YOUR.FUCKING.FOOT.DOWN!!!"

High on G&A I was mentally dissecting the lyrics to Nirvanas Teen Spirit and came to the gleeful conclusion that I was, indeed, a genius. End Of. And laughing hysterically at my foolishness for not realising it sooner confused

MW telling me off for frightening the "poor woman" next door with my screaming (I had gone from 2cm- 10cm in 40 mins) and me telling her where to stick it.

whackamole Tue 30-Aug-11 00:18:48

Just read this whole thread from start to finish - looking forward to my own 'funny' story in about 8 weeks!

When having my first, the MW asked me if I wanted to feel the head. So I did. I remember asking her if he had a massive head, and she reassured me with 'no don't worry, he's only little (early and twins) he'll be out in a minute'.

I thought I then was thinking about how I actually meant that I only like babies with small heads.....OH assures me it wasn't just in my head though!

(and luckily, both boys born with small heads grin)

Empusa Sun 28-Aug-11 23:44:22

I love this thread! grin

FlubbaBubba Sun 28-Aug-11 21:49:51

MW saying to me; "Just one more push and we'll have the rest of the baby" (head was out), and me saying "no, I don't want to push again. I'm happy with just the head of the baby" hmm

or, when DD1 was born, stealing Miranda Richardson's line saying "ooh, it's a boy without a winkle! It's a miracle" (I knew DD1 was going to be a boy hmm blush)

or when DD2 was born (she was huuuuuge), the surgeon taking one look at my averagely-heighted husband, and asking "is your postman tall?!" confused grin

or, when DS was born, thinking I was pushing really well and the baby was coming out, I really felt I could feel the baby passing through the birth canal. Then there was this almighty SPLOOSH! and my waters broke everywhere, and all in the room were paddling about in them!! blush grin grin

aStarInStrangeways Sun 28-Aug-11 21:27:41

Being induced with DD, they had just put me on the drip after having no luck with prostin/breaking waters. I was a bit nervous as I knew this was likely to be painful. Lovely mw tells me how it works, that they turn it up every half hour e.g. start at 1ml p/h, then up to 2ml, then 4ml, then 8ml etc.

Me: It's like the torture machine in The Princess Bride.
MW: I haven't seen that, sounds horrible!
Me: Oh no, it's a kid's film.

Cue me having to explain the plot of The Princess Bride to baffled mw while in the throes of increasingly harsh contractions (labour was 55 minutes start to finish).

deliakate Thu 25-Aug-11 15:27:34

I remembered my NCT classes half way through an incredibly tricky delivery with severe pre-eclampsia, and asked about 10 nurses, 2 consultants, and anesthetists and sundry other medical staff to turn the lights down and let me get on all fours (I had an epidural).

scattered Mon 22-Aug-11 17:05:39

The funniest part (to everyone but me at the time) was when I was taken for an emergency c section- the surgeon said to the junior "Put some nice relaxing music on for mum, she's had a lot of pain" Doctor agrees and puts radio on....10 seconds later, we are all listening to Gloria Gaynor belting out " I will survive, did you think I would just lay down and die." I vaguely remember the surgeon bleating that he couldn't work with that, whilst everyone else pissed themselves laughing.

Scootergrrrl Mon 25-Jul-11 19:41:51

Oh and when DDs head was born she started crying while her body was still inside me. That was a bit freaky and the MW shouted for other people to come and see.

DD hasn't shut up since and she's seven now grin

Scootergrrrl Mon 25-Jul-11 19:26:59

I was lying on my side to give birth and holding my leg up, as you do. The MW clucked at DH to grab my leg and help which he did but pushed it back a bit far. I hissed at him under my breath to "get your f@cking hands off me or I'll divorce you". DH spent the remainder of my labour with his hand hovering a milimetre from my leg in case the MW thought he was disregarding her command. He also had the nerve to complain about an aching shoulder afterwards.

mumwithdice Mon 25-Jul-11 19:19:24

During labour, I had a particularly strong contraction and said "Oh, f***ing hell!"
MW smiled beatifically and said "Oh good, you're swearing!" DD was born an hour later.

Clarence15 Wed 13-Jul-11 23:00:15

Great thread! As I was waiting to go into theatre for an emergency section I heard that Kerry Katona was in the hospital as well. I then decided that the nurse who was waiting with me MUST be KKs mum (of course!) and started asking her how Kerry was and what it was like to have a famous daughter etc etc. She must have thought I was a right madwoman! I really convinced myself that she was blush

foxylady123 Wed 13-Jul-11 10:19:42

Lol funny birth stories here. The dr put me in stirrups and i said no it hurts (i have a hip problem) my foot slipped and i kicked him in the head. I warned him hehe.

Dancergirl Wed 13-Jul-11 10:13:23

I was in early labour at home when the phone rang. It was my dentist reminding me of my appointment the next day. I apologised that I wouldn't be able to make it as I was in labour.

I obviously didn't see her face but she was clearly shocked!

DancingWind Sat 09-Jul-11 02:25:01

"I was in the bath on all fours at home when the baby was coming down the chute. High on gas and air I was convinced the baby was coming down the wrong tube. I stage-whispered to the midwife, "The baby is coming out of my bum. Honestly. It really is. I can feel it."
And she said, "Well we've never had that before!"
Luckily midwife was right and baby delivered down the right chute."


wotabouttheworkers Sat 09-Jul-11 01:19:52

When I flung myself on all fours, looked through and saw two little feet descend from my fanjo. '?', I thought, 'Why am I giving birth to a chicken?' Fortunately the ambulance then arrived and my daughter was delivered by a guy who must have been 6ft 6ins with hands like shovels. If she's been a boy, she would have been named after him.

EveryonesJealousOfWeasleys Sat 09-Jul-11 00:03:38

HOW have I never seen this thread before?!?!?! Well done whomoved smile

eurochick Fri 08-Jul-11 19:43:59

Great thread! I have done no work at all this afternoon!


I got very high on gas and air and told the Midwives and DH all about the sordid affair my work college was having with her friend.

My favourite quote has to be me telling my doula after being told I was having back on back contractions,

Me: 'So it's like a BOGOF then isn't it?'

Doula: 'What do you mean?'

Me: 'Well you know buy one get one free except instead of getting an extra tube of jaffa cakes I'm getting an extra contraction'

Doula: (laughing)'Oh right then'

Me: 'I think I'd rather have the jaffa cakes to be honest with you'

Doula: 'I think we all would'

KenDoddsDadsDog Thu 18-Nov-10 16:43:15

High on gas and air, making my DH ring my best friend to ask what the girls' name was who lived next door. When we were about five. And laughing hysterically when I found out then telling every bugger who came in the room.

With first DD (waterbirth) nobody had told me about the burning sensation as everything stretches just before delivering. Suddenly my fanjo was burning and I was in the pool thing shouting to the midwives and DH "It's hot, it's burning' at which point both of them starting singing 'Ring of Fire.
They did hold my hand and stroke my hair at the same time though

Liz01 Fri 22-Oct-10 09:12:53

DD1 - my husband having to time rushing off to the bathroom as he had had a curry the night before with my contractions
DD2 - my husband saying if the contractions monitor hadnt reached 100 then I needed to stop crying out in pain!!!!
DS - i was nil by mouth and having my 3 sisters and husband eating in front of me - i had a few choice words for them - but wouldnt have not had them there - v traumatic birth.

fumblemummy Fri 22-Oct-10 09:04:10

I love this thread!

* DH almost fainting - not as DD is born, Oh no - but when they put the canula in my hand grin
* Complaining at length that I had a headache and asking for paracetemol confused
*On G&A 'its like being at the seaside' sounded like waves and/or scuba diving to me
* Midwife 'seems to be fizzling out, we'll move you onto the ward in a minute'
FM - 'I need to poo'
And 10 minutes later... DD arrived. Fizzling out indeed!

Never realised I was so religious but that day I certainly prayed to God, Mary, Jesus and apparently my Mum!

ln1981 Tue 19-Oct-10 23:21:34

some of these are fab!!
ds1 was eventually delivered by emergency cs, under GA. upon waking up, i saw dp with this small bundle wrapped up in a towel. I must have sat staring at him for a good few minutes before asking what he had in his arms, he said 'its our wee boy'. 'oh is that why im here?!' confused blush
up until we went to theatre, i spent most of my labour under the influence of G&A-the most magical stuff in the world!

when i had ds2, we had been at a wedding two days previous. dp had stayed over so had unpacked my hospital bag, leaving it scattered around.cue me at 2am on the morning ds2 was born scrabbling about the room in the dark looking for everything, absolutely doubled up in pain. dp asked what i was upto, dont think i have ever seen him get out of bed so fast in all my days! grin

i also drove my brother around whilst in labour with dd-boy did i get into trouble for that!

Greenwing Mon 18-Oct-10 23:27:00

Thank you everybody for your great posts. I have enjoyed reading them so much and am wiping the tears away. Five labours myself - it brings it all back.

seaturtle Mon 18-Oct-10 22:07:09

DS's dad and my mother were with me for the labour. I (who had borrowed Sheila Kitzinger books from library and had planned for natural childbirth in pool) told mum and MW in between gulps of G&A, "This natural childbirth is a heap of shite!" Several times.

Just before screaming for an epidural and being told I wasn't that dilated yet (inducing took three days) I screamed for DP to, "Pray for me, DP! Pray for me!" I went from about 3cm to 10cm in half an hour. When my friends came to visit me in hospital, a beaming DP told them (very seriously), "I asked Jesus to dilate Seaturtle's cervix and he did!"

mumtoabeautifulbabyboy Mon 18-Oct-10 21:45:00


EasilyConfusedIndith Fri 13-Aug-10 15:38:01

Oh I love it when this thread crops up again in active convos. Never fails to make me giggle.

Cparr Fri 13-Aug-10 15:26:55

No one told me before i had my c section that i had to take my knickers off. So i had to put them under the operating table & ask the surgeon for them back when it was done.

fatheadsgirl Thu 24-Jun-10 22:56:30

during internal exam to determine dialation MW says "ooh doctor does that look like a big bag of bulging membranes to you?" cue me laughing so hard I contract and speculum goes flying out of my vagina and hits the wall opposite with almight clang *doctor goes bright red and scurries away whilst MW crumples to floor in hysterical laughter* grin blush

OneTwo Mon 14-Jun-10 14:35:47

I read this thread way back when I was still pregnant (DD nearly 9 months now) and crying with laughter!

My funnies were:
DH driving over every pothole/drain/twig in the road in his (3rd blush) mad dash to the hospital and me calling him all the names under the sun, except I was insulting him using Shakespearian insults.... hmm

Me out of it on G&A explaining to everyone in the room the precise way to make good meringue in great detail.

After requesting an epidural being told there would be a bit of a wait, I toasted the MW with the G&A mouthpiece and said "right you are chuck, cock on" (I am very southern so don't know where that northerness came from)

Had to be the bit when high on G&A and having agreed to epidural I started quizzing the anaethetist (sp?) on where I knew her from, was asking her about her school, training, husband etc... I eventually decided she was a friend of a friend on facebook. I didn't know her...she thought I was a nutter...

Hollyoaks Wed 19-May-10 15:24:28

Laurielou - I was born that way too, my dm says I was always going to be a swot at school as I came out with my hand up ready to answer.

For me with dd the funniest moment was in between horrendous contractions dh saying that he had a huge ulcer and I couldn't imagine how painful it was hmm and me telling everyone I was dancing like Stevie Wonder and I was swaying and the g&a was my microphone.

laurielou Wed 19-May-10 14:52:00

When I was born my mum said I wanted to come out like Superman, my arm came out first.

The MW said "Ooh, how lovely. That's the first baby I've delivered who waved at me first".

AnnieBeansMum Sat 08-May-10 22:38:33

Me screaming in pain and squeezing the life out of DH's hand.

DH: AnnieBeansMum, stop, you're hurting me.
Me: {unintelligible grunt}
DH: Honey, really, you cannot even begin to imagine how much this hurts.
Me: Oh really?? Wanna swap places?? {snarl, growl, spit}

He shut up after that. hmm

First time = Screaming in pain in the corridor of the hospital waiting to into theatre 'I NEED A POOOOOOO'

Second time = Biting on DH thumb instead of the gas and air tube.

Second Time again = Making DH go to canteen and get me a mars bar and kit kat - i dont even like Kitkats grin

NonnoMum Fri 26-Mar-10 23:22:44


BexJ78 Fri 26-Mar-10 22:31:48

i remember after being in early labour for hours, i was finally considered to be in established labour and let loose on the gas and air. after about two puffs of it, i felt absolutely wrecked and proceeded to tell DH and the midwife, saying, "it's like you're absolutely shitfaced!" Not content with telling them once, i said it about three times! i had my ipod on too and could hear the music sort of throbbing in my head and also kept saying "yeah, it's like i'm in a nghtclub"... hmmmm, perhaps not!

Moomma Fri 26-Mar-10 22:15:56

After my DS was delivered, my DH looked at the placenta and said to the MW, 'I preferred the first one, on the whole.' He still thinks it's one of his best ever jokes.

My favourite moment was when (after my waters broke at 36 weeks + 6) I was sitting in triage at the hospital, waiting to be admitted. I spewed everywhere and the very tired, end-of-shift MW looked at me in horror and said, 'Oh no. You're not in labour, are you? Do you think you're in labour?' What else would I be doing there? And wouldn't she have a better idea than me, given that he was my first?

From shock I was almost silent throughout labour and ended up having to call the MW as the head was coming out, before I'd taken off my trousers and pants... All the MWs on duty came in to see me afterwards because they were so impressed with my calmness. I was too startled to scream, tbh. I wasn't supposed to have him for AT LEAST three weeks - I think I'd convinced myself there was some mistake and I'd be sent home soon...

JaneS Thu 25-Mar-10 23:26:54

Just found the classics section, have to share this. It's my mum's, and dad only admitted to me very recently, after a few pints, that it was in fact true.

Around 2am, mum, who's been contracting on and off all day with DC3, reckons enough is enough. Nudges dad. 'Love, baby's coming'. Dad rolls over. So mum, who kind of wanted a home birth anyway, leaves him to sleep. Around 6 am, waters break. Mum nudges dad. 'Love, BABY'S COMING!'. Dad rolls over. About 8am, mum gets dad to ring his father to come and look after other kids while they go in to hospital. On the phone:

Dad: 'LRDmum thinks she's, er, having the baby!'
Dad's dad: 'Are you sure?'
Dad: 'No, actually. Between you and me, I think it's a false alarm.'
Dad'sdad: 'Ah well, we'll humour her...'
Mum (listening in): 'AAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHH!'

Little brother arrived in the hospital corridor.

Dad never admitted he had this conversation all the time I was growing up - mum repeatedly claimed he had and he had the nerve to say she'd dreamed it all. But he has admitted it now.

Oh, and dad's dad managed to 'help' by putting a wash on with soap flakes instead off powder, thereby rendering them washing machine-less with a newborn.

Please can everyone keep these coming, it's making me feel so much better about my ever closer 1st baby due in June Bring on the gas and air!

wantwantwant Mon 22-Mar-10 12:10:58

bump cos this thread is great and should be kept alive!

MommyDoylee Mon 08-Mar-10 16:50:19

FAO ANNIBUNGUS - Well you are an old trout!! Lol. Can't see all the pages so no doubt I have more horrors! But third time round now big sis - This munchkin should pop out like toast :-)

annibungus Mon 08-Mar-10 02:55:20

Well! Ive never read anything so entertaining! This thread makes me realise why I am so keen to do this again! Im passing this on to my sister who is pregnant!
I have so many funny memories, where to begin!!..
1/ while having DS, grabbing the midwife, and saying,'where's the fucking anaesthetist, I want my fucking epidural!!!!' ....I never did get it!
2/ Having delivered him, I was lying back, exhausted and nearly asleep, when the midwife asked DP for the id no. on my wrist. Apparently, I opened my eyes, recited the six digit number perfectly, then promptly fell asleep again!
3/ Whilst waiting to be induced with DD, the ward was full of students. on being asked if I minded a student 'having a look' I got quite annoyed and said, 'yes, let them all have a look. tell them to bring their dogs and they can have a look too!!!'
4/ Whilst waiting on said ward, the biggest bloke I've ever seen walks in, holds out a hand like a bunch of sausages for me to shake, and says 'hello, Im your midwife for this afternoon' needless to say, my legs remained firmly crossed for the rest of the afternoon!
And my personal favourite..
5/ Having delivered DD, I am on my back being stitched up. Much to my horror, I look down between the stirrups, to see the midwife, sitting back, head on one side, staring at his handiwork, and giving it an experimental prod! Next minute another MW walks in, comes over, has a look, puts her head on one side, and has a bit of a prod about! (It wasnt till I got home and had a look, I realised he had gone a bit crooked and I looked slightly like a cardi with the buttons done up wrong!!) Then, to add insult to injury, the MW looks up at me and says..'I've just got to pop my finger into your bottom to make sure I haven't sown you back passage together!!! It is hysterical now, but I was less than amused at the time!!

yes, he really wasn't very old at all Just one of those awful things i suppose. Poor guy.

notyummy Wed 17-Feb-10 10:04:57

He had pneumonia or something - was relatively young (not 60). I actually met him at a dinner I went to a few years ago and he seemed like a lovely man - he did a LOT of charity work.

what happened? how did i miss that? didn't think beadle had been about much recently!

notyummy Wed 17-Feb-10 09:50:34


jeremy beadle's not dead is he??

Steggie Wed 17-Feb-10 09:40:19

It wasn't funny at the time, but 6 months afer the birth I can vaguely laugh.

I had a major placental abruption which started at home. I never went into labour. I called the hospital, then the ambulance, rang DH, got the neighbour to collect DD etc. The ambulance arrived and I am blue lighted off with DH trying to follow at 90mph down the motorway.
Suddenly there was an odd metal grinding noise and the ambulance was bouncing about...we'd punctured!shock

We pull over on the hard shoulder and find we are down to the rim on both rear tyres. DH pulls up behind and thinks I am giving birth. The police are called and eventually we limp along the motorway and off at the next junction where I am transfered to a new ambulance at the side of the road...where I am spotted by a neighbour driving past!
It takes nearly 2 hours to do a journey that could have been done in 20mins.

I am then put on the monitor and the relief of hearing DS's heart beat was immense. He is a huge amount of destress- HB was 190+ constantly. Just as I sign my life away for the c-section, DS heart rate flatlines...localised powercut shock. It returns a few minutes later once all the machines have been re-set. I am then sectioned and all is well!

thedollshouse Sun 17-Jan-10 10:12:37

I had a c-section as ds was breech. After he was born I was allowed to hold him very briefly before he was whisked away to scbu (precautionary measure) as I had an infection.

I was feeling very emotional but didn't want to break down and I was also scared that if I didn't talk I might die. I couldn't think of anything to say and then I said to the Anaesthetist "Did you know that years ago a porno was filmed in his hospital" I don't even watch pornos but then found myself rambling on about pornos and the sex industry. blush It was a very surreal experience.

ErikaMaye Sun 17-Jan-10 10:00:11

The midwife saying to me "You really need to get him out on this push, he's getting tired", to which I responded, "I can f*cking sympathise!"

Whilst about three hours into my labour, I went to the bathroom, and as I was leaving, there was a woman giving birth in a doorway. The midwife running past me saying, "Be with you in a minute, love," will stay with me always, as she skidded to a halt on he knees, spreading a sheet out.

I had mecronium in my waters, so didn't get to use the birthing pool. However, I had a lot of fluid, and the midwife saying to me, "Look, you got your water birth after all!", as she mopped the floor for the fourth time was hysterically funny at the time.

Oh, and of course, DPs suggestion of shouting "For Gondor!" will never be forgotten... grin

YanknCock Sun 17-Jan-10 01:28:56

To my mind, the gas and air made my voice a lot deeper, so I kept telling everyone very loudly that 'I SOUND LIKE A TRANSEXUAL!!' (giggle giggle giggle)

DH asked if he should be calling me 'Dave' and I told him quite seriously, 'No, please call me Davina'.

serialmum Sun 17-Jan-10 01:11:46

Just found this thread and am in stitches (pardon the pun), so thought i would share my funny bits too.
ds - was admitted to labour ward at shift change and was left in a waiting room. Within 5 mins I really needed to pee so midwife guided us into room, recently vacated by new mum, (it looked like a warzone, have never seen so much blood) so that I could use the loo. On standing up from loo, my waters broke while my pants were stll round my ankles. within seconds i was brought to my hands and knees by an almighty contraction. DH appeared and gently said 'you know you'll need to wash your hands now' my response is unrepeatable!
dd1 - after 27 hours of labour with ds, i was expecting to be in for the long haul. 18 mins of almost painfree labour later dd was born to which i said 'is that it?' mw thought i was referring to dd and was not amused.
dd2 - was back to back so i spent most of labour sitting bolt upright as backache was excrutiating. When I announced that i needed to push mw told dh to put the back of the bed down, he obliged and I began screaming as pain shot through back and he put it back up again, she shouted at him to lower it and he did. this process was repeated several times as i went up and down again and again. Eventually I got myself into a crab like postion whilst they continued arguing and delivered dd2's head before they even noticed! mw didn't even have her gloves on so DH delivered her om mw's instructions as she wrestled her gloves on!

Brunettelady Sun 13-Dec-09 23:03:06

I was 10 days early and we hadn't charged our camera batteries, so on the way to the hospital we stopped off at Asda, I stayed in the car listening to the radio. Jeremy Beadle had just died!

benjysmum Sat 21-Nov-09 03:13:58

Had DS last week. Not a fun exp. Couple of odd moments while high on G&A:

1. Woke up in the middle of a contraction and asked DH where the contractions were.

2. Woke up in the middle of another one to ask who had won the Miss World competition hmm and how far it was to Manchester (we live in the South West and I never watch beauty pageants).

DS was eventually extracted via emergency CS and I finally regained some lucidity just before the procedure. Spinal block went in (heavenly after 48 hours of spurious and not so spurious labour) providing immediate pain relief. Various random momemnts in theatre:

1. The anaesthetist was quite chatty and pleasant. Halfway through I began thinking "oh this is nice. I wonder if I could have a cup of tea". Fortunately I was lucid enough not to ask.

2. The doctor stitching me up afterwards leaning over and saying "I'm so jealous, you've got less than 1cm of tummy fat". I was like hmm.

littleblu Fri 13-Nov-09 11:07:25

my ex dh was asked by the midwife to help by mopping my brow, i wondered what was going on and realised he had stuck a sanitary towel on my head

peachpearplum Tue 03-Nov-09 15:24:11

This gas and air stuff sounds ace - I want that next time!

Having to get out of the birthing pool at 7cm dilated to go to the bathroom because I could not pee in the water (and yet...)

Making DP take a photo of the placenta (Midwife: 'wouldn't you rather have a photo of ds's first bath?)

congratulations pasturesnew on new dd

high on g&a asked where the wibble wobble house is and screaming at my mum you dont understant this hurts get it out she had 4 kids of her own so i think she did understand

BustleInYourHedgerow Thu 24-Sep-09 02:20:24

High on G & A, urging DP to have some, and then telling him "You have to park the car beside the door, cos we have to make a quick getaway!"....

We don't own a car...

While high on G&A telling my DH that "I've never gone to Ibiza" he calmly replied that he didn't think I'd missed very much

pasturesnew Tue 22-Sep-09 22:35:22

I would like to apologise to any other expectant mothers in St. Thomas' in London yesterday morning - although I was yelling at the top of my voice, "HELP! HELP! and CATCH IT!" whilst giving birth to DD, there was in fact a fully qualified midwife in the room throughout - sorry if I may have given the impression it was otherwise!

JonAndHate Wed 19-Aug-09 18:02:01

bump grin

Hackers79 Sun 19-Jul-09 21:34:00

I was too scared to have gas and air at first because everyone told me it was like being stoned. I had never got on with weed and had always pulled a massive whitey, therefore the thought of being in labour and pulling a whitey really didn't appeal. So, I made my dh try it first when the midwife wasn't looking. He took one big one (he used to be a big stoner) and said 'honestly babe, you'll love it). So I did and I loved it and he loved it, so for the next god knows how many hours we both got through a lot of gas! Both as high as kites.

A few hours later, the gas although still lovely wasn't quite cutting it so in came the anesthetist to start the epidural. He was quite possibly the fittest guy I'd ever seen and proceeded to tell everyone in the room (including him) that. Insisted my Dh to me to the toliet for a wee and to gather myself together (like I was getting ready for some liason with the anesthetist). sat on the loo gushing about him and instructing my dh to hold my gown together at the back to preserve my dignity (yeh right, there was a slug trail all the way to the loo!). Loved the spray so much on my back I just kept saying 'again, again, again".

All very embarrassing and the dh has had to fill me in on most of it.

The bit I didn't laugh at: I was pushing lying down on a bed for 2 hours. About 30 mins in dh said to me and midwife could he sit down because his legs were killing.

lornski Tue 14-Jul-09 20:54:27

I had a student midwife who I am sure was on her first ever birth (my 3rd dc) so when i said i thought i needed to push and she answered by saying it wasnt possible i told her in no uncertain terms to "get the real f*cking midwife in here!" - my DH was mortified..........
but he was even more mortified when just 5 minutes later i told him that i wasn't giving birth today, i wanted to go home and would come back tomorrow to have the baby....... dc was born about 10 minutes later...... with the "real" midwife present
that transition is a bugger!!! grin

Jackbunnysmama Tue 31-Mar-09 21:41:47

PMSL at "big gap"!!!!!!!!!!!

blowninonabreeze Tue 31-Mar-09 20:27:39

Having been examined and proclaimed 2cm dilated I decided "Bugger this natural delivery, if I can't cope now, it looks like I'll be here sometime" So asked for an epidural. Staff fantastic and epidural was in within 20 mins.

Before it had even started working, staff were having trouble picking up CTG and decided another VE was necessary - 10 cm. (from 2 - 10 cm in 25 mins grin)

I'm then in the position of a painfree second stage.

Me, Legs up in stirrups - gleefull in my pain free status, waiting to be told when contraction arrives so I can push. DH at the head end, midwife and senior midwife at the business end. All waiting for the contraction.

Midwife proclaims "Thats a big gap"
I get indignant and cross thinking she's referring to my (ahem) anatomy when in fact she referring to the gap between contractions blush blush blush

Mind you I think the midwife was more embarrassed especially when DH, the senior midwife and I couldn't stop laughing.

Gentle Tue 31-Mar-09 20:09:32

Not during childbirth, but afterwards on the ward, DH came in for his first post-birth visit with a present for me.

It wasn't flowers, or diamonds, or chocolates.

It was a desk fan.

A desk fan that he wasn't allowed to turn on in the hospital because it hadn't passed the secret electrical appliance rites.

JetLi Wed 25-Mar-09 16:32:29


Bump - mumsnet has gone a bit mad and it's time to remember some good stuff

Jacksmama Tue 10-Mar-09 21:02:47

ROFL!!! This is my favourite thread. Always makes me laugh when I need a break!

BurningBright Tue 10-Mar-09 16:19:33

I was convinced I was having a boy. I was so convinced and so convincing that when the midwife had a rummage she said that while the good news was that it was definitely a boy because she could feel some little boy bits, the bad news was that since she could feel little boy bits, it was breech.

One emergency C-section later a small person with no little boy bits whatsoever emerged and the midwife announced to the room in general, 'Well, I did say I was a rubbish midwife.'

MiamlaHasADaffodilBehindHerEar Wed 25-Feb-09 10:16:50

i remember after my first suck on the gas and air, i said something (that i believed was truly profound) and the MW said "it would seem the g&a is working then!" I tried to protest but the stifled giggles from DP and BF convinced me to stop!

MuchLessTiredNow Tue 24-Feb-09 18:46:19

oh yes - I had forgotton - after no alcohol for 9 months with ds1 when the first draft of gas and air kicked in, I started to try and make small talk to the MW (so , sally, what do you do in your spare time) like hyacinth bucket on acid

Jacksmama Tue 24-Feb-09 18:43:37

Phew, glad I didn't kill the thread blush!

LMAO at Fimboman holding your earlobe!!!

Oh, just remembered something truly funny - grin - DH watched Jackbaby being yanked out with forceps born (from the head of the table, not the business end) and the subsequent haemorrhage all over the floor and the OB's shoes (this is not the funny part, BTW) without passing out, which is remarkable really. They handed Jackbaby to him while trying to put Humpty back together sewing me up, and he was standing there holding him, in complete amazement at how alert and wide-eyed Jackbaby was. Apparently he was looking around and focusing on the anaesthesiologist's coloured screens, and the lovely anaes. started switching the screen colours and making them beep and the two of them were mesmerized by Jackbaby's reaction to the colours and sounds. Cue an OR nurse yelling at DH to "sit down, right now, we don't want you to faint and fall over while holding the baby!!!" hmm

Because lights and colours and sounds and an adorable alert newborn are so scary hmm grin

MiamlaHasADaffodilBehindHerEar Tue 24-Feb-09 18:27:06

during a particularly intense contraction i dropped the gas and air mouth piece thing. I screamed at DP to pick it up for me. Meanwhile my MW (who was looking after two of us at the same time) came running down the corridor, rushed into the room thinking that DS was arriving

later on DP and my bf (2nd bp) had a snack of curried pasties. one of them came near me and i muttered something about their breath stinking and to go away. they obviously managed to find some chewing gum because the next thing i know is that i can smell mint. i didn't have the heart to tell them it was as bad as the curry smell! at least i don't think i told them blush

ScattyStudent Tue 24-Feb-09 18:10:04

after spending HOURS being told that the anaesthetist would be here 'in a minute'to give me my epidural, I finally snapped and screamed "have you only got one fucking anaesthetist in this whole fucking hospital??" my mother laughed like a drain blush

I also announced to my mum very loudly (after my morphine kicked in) "Damn I'm glad you cant buy this in the pub, its gooooood"

MuchLessTiredNow Tue 24-Feb-09 17:59:37

and I also bit dh when I was in labour in germany and they don't do gas and air - I had nothing to bite down on apart from him - I drew blood!

MuchLessTiredNow Tue 24-Feb-09 17:58:44

I have loads - from ds1's labour where a firealarm was going off in the hospital for 2 hours while I was getting to 9 cms and dh slept through the lot (I never let him forget that) to dc3 when I sneezed at the petting enclosure of the local zoo and went into violent contractions - scattered the goats and all the locals who were also there

Fimbo Tue 24-Feb-09 17:52:46

Gosh how awful for you Jacksmama.

Dh wanted to hold my hand whilst I was having dd by c-section, because of the equipment etc, he couldn't get near enough to my hand and ended up holding my ear lobe..

The scrubs were also too small for him (he is quite broad and 6ft 2), so they were half way up his arms and legs

Jacksmama Tue 24-Feb-09 17:48:24

Have I killed the thread? sadblush

JacksmamasBabyIsOneYearOld Fri 20-Feb-09 16:17:22

I remember one bitch twat numpty of a nurse who (out of all the other lovely fabulous ones) "took care" of me after Jackbaby's completely ballsed-up birth...

she was the one who was stood by me tapping her foot whilst I was desperately trying to wee on the toilet (after having a catheter for 3 days, and so much swelling down there that my bits looked like two bagel-halves and I had haemorrhoids the size of plums - sorry, TMI) - I finally lost the plot on her and shouted "if you can't stop tapping your damn foot, get out of here - I don't normally wee for an audience (but boy, has that ever changed with DS's arrival grin) and I doubt I could squeeze out so much as a drop with you looking at me with a face like a hen's bottom!!" DH (who didn't like her either) said everyone could hear me, into the corridor... said she came out looking like she wanted to lamp me grin.

Same nurse told me I didn't need my narcotic analgesics anymore, that paracetamol and ibuprofen were good enough (after high forceps delivery with 3rd degree tear... yeah...) - cue me wailing in pain three hours later and another mum in the room next door calling the charge nurse for me... I know, not funny, but boy, did she get in trouble for telling me something that was properly a doctor's decision...

And, would you believe, same nurse told me I only needed to get up and walk around a bit and I'd be much less faint and dizzy!!! Cue me trying to get off the bed, slipping through her and her aide's arms to faint on the floor.
(With my horrified DH and MIL watching.) They said it was like a screen play. My knees gave out, eyeballs rolled up in my head and I sort of flowed onto the floor in slo-mo. At the very moment the OB consultant walked in the door. Who saw me on the floor and immediately started screaming "whose fuckwitted idea was this, this woman's haemoglobin is in the basement, she needs a transfusion, not to jog around the ward!!!" (Again, apparently loud enough to be heard down the hall... )

After I'd had my transfusion and the world resumed its normal colour by next day (appeared a bit grey and foogy before) and I didn't see Nurse Ratched (the bitch battleaxe) again, I asked if she was off for a few days and was told that she'd asked for reassigment...

I know this isn't really fun, in fact it's a bit grim, but funny in a crooked grin sort of way. How can one single person be so ignorant and unkind??? shock hmm And on a labour ward!!

Grendle Thu 19-Feb-09 22:34:37

When the MW finally turned up after dd was born in the pool at home, took one look at me, turned to dh and said "better get her a couple of paracetamol, as those afterpains can be a bit nippy". I just gave birth FFS, if I didn't need drugs for that, I certainly don't need paracetamol NOW grin.

When being stitched after the forceps delivery of ds, I misheard the Dr's unusual foreign-sounding name and thought he'd said he was called "Ebola". I then had this little monologue with myself along the lines of "Ebola... that's an unusual name... hang on, no that's not a name, that's a disease... I remember it's a haemorrhagic fever. We studied it in pathology. Why on earth would anyone be named after a disease of death?" blush.

He also hadn't used enough local and didn't seem to believe that I could feel the stitches until I described in minute detail exactly what he was stitching anatomically. He looked a bit shock and produced more drugs.

When a doctor earlier on in labour had taken 4 attempts to site a drip, I shouted something along the lines of "all fucking doctors are fucking completely fucking useless. Get me a midwife, I HATE doctors!". Dh informed me that she was one I'd had a run-in with antenatally, so he found it rather satisfying. I had no clue who she was as my eyes were clamped shut throughout.

curvychick Tue 10-Feb-09 18:20:23

With ds2, i laboured in a rocking chair with the gas and air tube firmly between my teeth at all times.....needless to say i was high as a kite! At one point i stated making these wierd noises, and the mw said to my mum "she is either trying to laugh or about to be sick" Que my lovely mum rushing with the sick bowl to my side, and me then bursting into hysterical laughter and spluttering out "demented pensioner!"

It wasn't until after he was born that i was able to explain that in my fogged brain jelly state, that i was thinking i looked like a crazy old lady rocking back and forth in hyper drive.......quite how that ended up coming out as "demented pensioner" i'll never know! lol

rarebreed Tue 10-Feb-09 14:14:08

Another one...after i had been pushing for about an hour <hazy> a midwife appeared with a big fan. Apparantly it wasn't to cool me down, but to blow the smell of something away. Only found this out a few weeks later, wish OH had never told me <cringe>


mamas12 Tue 10-Feb-09 01:05:46

Well of my recollections was when in the middle of a 24 hour labour the mw was trying to show me the chart thing with the different cervix sizes on it to show me how big 7cm was and I had to get to 'that' size before baby came, and all could think of saying was what the hell is she showing me bloody diaphrams for!

hannahlouhoo Mon 09-Feb-09 20:55:34


JacksmamasLittleBundleOfLOve Sun 08-Feb-09 18:22:20

Bumping because I need to laugh some more!! grin

candyheartsandchocolates Sun 08-Feb-09 14:53:48

that and the mad zulu type dancing i was doing
i must of looked a right state but i didnt care i was in sooooooooo much pain

candyheartsandchocolates Sun 08-Feb-09 14:51:40

screaming at my husband to 'GET MY KNICKERS OFF' i was pushing with them still on
it was all a bit quick!!

themoon66 Sun 08-Feb-09 12:18:33

My friend said she was high on gas and air and telling all and sundry about how her legs were 'blown off in the vietnam war' grin

TheDevilWearsPrimark Sun 08-Feb-09 04:42:59

This is such an old thread I may be repeating myself grin

I sulked like a child about delivering the placenta. I can't remember but I said' no there's no need this birth stuff is finished'

My second birth was a home birth.

The w

gratuitousdisguise Sun 08-Feb-09 04:18:36

After much drugs on the labour ward, I requested that my cat be brought in so I could have a cuddle with it...

...was sick all down DP, once in green, once in orange..

... and when I read my notes after, it said "vocal++".. glad I wasn't in the room next to me !

mathsmummy27 Sat 07-Feb-09 23:38:35

Got into labour ward with my first, for about the fifth time (had contractions for about a week). Cow of a midwife takes one look at me, rolls her eyes and says 'Oh dear. No doubt you;re going home again, but I suppose I'd better take a look'. Peers contemptuously into my bits, cue waters breaking spectacularly in her face, gunk and everything. I laughed and laughed, not caring that she could hear me, right up until the point she said acidly 'NOW it's going to hurt'. That shut me up.

peachface Sat 07-Feb-09 23:18:45

Moo-ed like a cow with my first, whinnied like a horse with my second - and during my second birth, DH sat eating Ginsters pastie while I stood leaning over the bed doing cycling actions and muttering to myself "going up the hill, going up the hill" (it helps with contractions!)

themoon66 Sat 07-Feb-09 23:11:38

When DS was a few pushes off being born, the MW asked me if I want him delivered up onto my tummy... I said 'God no, take him away and bath him first, ewww'!

nappyzonehasastroppytoddler Sat 07-Feb-09 22:11:08

When i had my legs vertical to my body gettign stitched up i proclaimed like a lotto winner that eeeeeeee i have freckles onmy legs just like them legs (not realising in my g and a dazed state they were mine!)

bluebump Sat 07-Feb-09 21:45:52

After waiting around for 4 and a half hours to be induced, I was given the pessary and told I would have to wait another 4 hours or so to see if it had worked.

DP couldn't even hide how bored he was and as we'd been moved out of our other bed temporarily with our patientline telly he decided to download something to watch on his mobile phone. He chose to download Benidorm and we managed to watch one episode then just as we were starting the second the midwife came back in and the theme music was blaring out and DP looked like he might crap himself as he thought she was going to tell him off, and comically fumbled around with the phone making a right palava of turning it off whilst going bright red.

Was reminded this evening on another thread of another one from DS's planned c section. Having suffered the horrors of shaving rash after an emergency CS with DD decided to deforest with Veet.

So put it on and waited and nothing happened. So I rinsed it off and got into my hospital gown and was taken down to the delivery suite. Midwife asked if I'd shaved. I said no, so she got out a razor and put her hand on my muff to part the hair ready to shave it and it all fell out. I pissed myself laughing and DH said 'sorry, she's a bit nervous'.

The midwife was horrified - till we explained about the Veet! grin

2cute2spook Sat 07-Feb-09 21:36:05

when having my dd and being very high on g+a i told my mw that i was never having oranges again, she asked if that was what i had craved, me no i can see a bowl of oranges over on table!! hmm

bratley Fri 06-Feb-09 23:12:04

Oh just thought of some more....

For 3 solid hours I was on my knees with my head buried into the bed and a pillow in the crook of the bed with the G&A balanced on it, the MW told me I needed to lie on my back so she could check me, I started to turn round and DH picked up the G&A to move it out of my way and within a millisecond of him touching it I yelled 'get off, GET OFF, GET OFF! its mine, go... and get... your own!' like a right toddler tantrum!
Once I finally calmed down after that minor incident I looked at the MW and announced 'bloody hell, I'd forgotten what you looked like!'

There was also one point where MW announced she was just gonna push back the last bit of my cervix with the next contraction(!?!?)..... as she did so I shoved my foot in her ribs and sat forward to punch her, DH caught my hand!

Demanding a glass of milk for my heartburn! 'I'm in labour and I've still got bloody heartburn!'

Being VERY concerned for the student dr, who was sweating profusely while watching his first episiotomy, asking someone to make sure he was ok.... mid episiotomy...

And then asking the consultant how long she'd take to do her cross stitch (stitches) cos I really wanted to go home!

Soph73 Wed 04-Feb-09 16:01:19

Whilst having DS2 naturally (DS1 was born by emergency CS) DH pipes up with "Oh my god I didn't realise it could stretch that much!"

laumiere Wed 04-Feb-09 15:03:52

I think my funniest moment was being told in the middle of a contraction that there was only an anaesthetist for epidurals and he was in a section.

I remember targeting the midwife (who was sensibly standing a long way from the bed) and saying through gritted teeth 'WHY do you only have ONE????' DH absolutely died of laughter behind me, I swear if i could have got off the bed i'd have killed her!

hav3plus3 Wed 04-Feb-09 14:50:53

I've never laughed and been able to relate to so much as what's written above. I've cried with laughter at some of them! Absolutely hilarious!

showmeyourpuku Wed 04-Feb-09 14:24:45

I was very busy standing up pushing out our breech baby when my Mum said "oh I can see its foot, it's beautiful, just like a lamb.." I knew I was making lots of noise - but a sheep?

bratley Wed 04-Feb-09 12:28:36

These are fab, have managed to get nothing at all done while DS has been asleep!

I remember having a break between contractions and everything was very quiet, I was in my own little world with entinox and pethadine and very smiley.... suddenly announced to DH and MW that I felt like I was in a washing machine. Spinny dizzy feeling from drugs and the sound of air con..... DH swears I said I felt like I was a washing machine?????

Also, same situation, between irregular contractions, really really tired and fed up, in my own little world and for some reason I asked DH where Cindy Lauper's wedding dress was.

My mum travelled 6hours to hospital while I was in labour, she brought DH some sandwiches as he hadn't eaten for 2 days. She just wanted to drop them off with the MW but the MW told her to come into the delivery room, apparently (I have no recollection of this ever happening) I turned to my mum and shouted 'you just couldn't keep away could you!?'
If I don't remember it then it never happened and I don't have to ever feel like an awful moo for screaming at my mum!

Fragolina Mon 02-Feb-09 11:24:41

Made lots of horsey noises, as for some reason found it a relief.

Kept bouncing v v violently on the birthing ball to relieve pressure. DH - stop that, you'll make yourself ill. I ignored him and went on with ever more force, followed by a spectacular vomit all over the dining room floor. Abject apologies while DH on his knees cleaning up (but I was really giggling inside!).

DH insisted on wearing his best shirt to hospital, 'for the baby'. It ended up being covered in blood splatters. Before he went home and left us in hospital for the night, he asked me how to get the stains out!

After DD born they handed her to DH, to give her to me, as per my birth plan...except he kept hold of her for a bit, I thought 'awww he's totally in love'. Waited a little longer, and said very politely 'can I have her now?'. No response from DH, not even a twitch still holding her and staring. I lost it and remember screaming 'give me my baby!!!!', He passed her over pretty sharpish then! I still sometimes ask him what the hell he was doing?? Apparently, checking all fingers and toes

spoiltforchoice Sat 31-Jan-09 20:51:50

The moment when, at 5 cm dilated, I was turfed off my nice comfy-ish bed to make way for dh who had fainted after the anaesthetist described the risks of an epidural. Took so long to bring him round/do the ecg on him that by the time he was back on his feet, the anaesthetist had buggered off to an emergency c/s.

Have never forgiven dh for making me labour and birth au naturel. grin

AliceMumma Sat 31-Jan-09 20:47:14

My husband cranked up the gas when the midwife was out of the room, which was GREAT, i was so out of it! I was bobbing up and down and remember someone saying i looked like a dolphin, and i remember being more embarressed about that then the fact i was totally naked! I passed out in the end, then the midwife came rumnning over and took the gas off me angry !!

Also my husband videoed the whole birth and i didnt even realise, until about 5 min after i looked up at the camera and said "dont get my boobs in"!

saramoon Sat 31-Jan-09 16:27:55

And just before this, my placenta was refusing to come out and all the midwives were gathered round deciding what they should do. An hour passed and none of them wanted to tug on the string anymore as they didn't want it to snap. The doctor was called in, took one look at me, put his hand up and PULLED IT OUT. Nice. No wonder i had so many stitches.

saramoon Sat 31-Jan-09 16:23:14

Ok, the poor midwife who had to talk to me non stop as i was getting stitched up good and proper with my legs up in stirrups. The gas and air was great but I had the midwife's hands gripped in mine and just kept saying to her, 'don't stop talking to me, don't stop talking'! DH was useless by that stage and was slumped in a chair on the other side of me white as a sheet.

feralgirl Sat 31-Jan-09 00:00:38

DH just reminded me of the look on the 12 year old student doctor's face when I gave him a gassy leer and slurred, "bung in an extra stitch Bambi, make me nice and tight again." wink
(Bambi because I'd confused him with JD from the show Scrubs).

Jacksmama Thu 29-Jan-09 16:54:33

Bumping because these are so funny!!!

feralgirl Thu 29-Jan-09 12:29:26

Opening eyes whilst hurtling at breakneck speed through country lanes at 6am and saying "Ooh look, a barn owl."

mumoftoby Tue 27-Jan-09 23:10:22

Sorry if anyone finds this disgusting but at least it was totally painless. My husband's face when my strangely (so the midwives said anyway!) huge placenta with DS2 shot out hit my feet and landed in a little puddle of blood! His eyes were about to pop out of his head. He says it is the grimmest thing he has seen and it is one of his reasons for wanting a vasectomy. I am really giggling now at the thought of if his face.

treedelivery Fri 16-Jan-09 15:48:42

My epidural took ages to site, even getting the velflon in my hand took 3 people 5 attempts.

High on gas and air and pushing like a demon I screamed 'Thank God that bitch of an incompetent ugly anaesthetist is gone don't ever let her back in my delivery room'

She was stood behind me ready to start the epidural....I was clearly confused at what an epidural actually is!!

Also told mum and dh to 'shut the fuck up I'm dying and you're sat chatting you morons'

And screaming 'are you simple?' when anyone asked me how I was.

Jacksmama Thu 15-Jan-09 21:44:52

oh god that was me, wailing "i have to poo, i have to POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

lifesaboxochoccies Thu 15-Jan-09 21:05:02

when i had the gas and air i got so attatched to it that the midwife was literally trying to pull it away from me and i was saying " i cant breathe without it!" and secondly in the last stages of labour shouting madly at the midwife " I need a FUCKING POO" she responded "no i promise you dont its just the babys head pushing down thats the pressure" and me yelling back "dont be so bloody horrible just let me go for a FUCKING POOOOOO!" lol my best friend still laughs about it now 2.10 years later! and i will be going through it all again at the begining of august!! and so will my best friend!!

BarrelOfMonkeys Thu 15-Jan-09 20:55:11

Also - I had/have a fear of dodgy stitches/problems with healing and painful scars so had said in my birthplan I wanted a consultant to do the stitching if possible. None available at the time so midwife had to do it - DH had popped to loo while this was raised with me and I agreed I was happy for her to proceed. DH comes back, clocks midwife is about to start stitching me up and asks me if I am happy with that - and then asks the midwife if she's done it before???

BarrelOfMonkeys Thu 15-Jan-09 20:52:08

Being in excruciating pain as I hit transition phase on gas and air alone, begging for the epidural - and being vaguely aware of the radio in the background playing "Big girls don't cry" by Fergie...

Hopefully Sun 11-Jan-09 23:03:52

The whole time I was in the delivery room, I kept hearing someone practicing the clarinet. It was driving me bonkers, and I couldn't work out how someone was making the noise carry all they way from wherever they were playing the clarinet into my room.
I kept asking DP to close the window so I couldn't hear the music, and he kept telling me the window was already closed, while giving me very concerned looks.

It was only when I was in the post-natal ward and I heard the calling bells for the midwife that I realised I had turned the chiming bell into a full blown clarinet masterpiece in my head...

Oh, the joys of G&A births!

sambo303 Sat 10-Jan-09 07:57:07

funiest bit, hmm, got to be whilst in transition, had been pushing ineffectually for about 2 hours and I could tell the midwives were getting a) tired b) worried so I tried to lighten the mood by saying " have you got any forceps?" only to be told in hushed tones that they dont bring anything like that to homebiths and I'd have to do it myself. Guess you had to be there, huh? hmm

Gillyan Fri 09-Jan-09 14:47:02

Pooing myself was funny, you've got to laugh I suppose!

Schnullerbacke Wed 07-Jan-09 21:23:49

Also love this thread, lets keep it going.

I used to spend quite a bit of time on an Indonesian island, diving and smoking weed in the hammock, overlooking the sea. For some reason I had to think about that place whilst high on Gas and Air, thinking I was lying in that said hammock. My DH later told me I started to talk in a Jamaican accent 'ya man'.... Gas and Air rocks.

Also had to get quite cross with my midwife. She started calling me Sarah, now, my name is not Sarah and does not sound anything like it. I tried to ignore it for a while but got so irritated after a while, I just had to jump down her throat. Poor woman.
Got my own back later though. Lying on the bed, holding new baby in arms. She told me to push the placenta out gently - well, I couldn't know it would shoot out straight away, all over her......

Jacksmama Wed 07-Jan-09 02:15:13

I am PMSL --- thanks for sharing!!!

rarebreed Tue 06-Jan-09 17:48:32

Honestly, i had no idea of the farmyard noises i was capable of until that day. grin

He managed not to laugh at the time though, i think hmm he could have been pissing himself laughing and i don't think i'd have noticed. Only found out a few days later that he had gone for a tea break with my Mum halfway through the labour and i'd had no clue blush

Jacksmama Tue 06-Jan-09 17:26:13

Oh that's great grin!!!
The power of suggestion, hey?

rarebreed Tue 06-Jan-09 07:42:09

I read this thread a couple of weeks before i had DD in October, i even showed DP, we especially laughed at all the tales of 'moo-ing' during labour.

Of course i then spent the whole of my labour moo-ing VERY VERY loudly. DP often reminds me of it, and does impressions. shock grin

PolarMummy Mon 05-Jan-09 23:46:02

I love this Thread, keep coming back every so often to check the new stories

Mine is kind of a weird one and a bit of background needed, I work with someone who used to be ward clerk in an ICU and she would get annoyed at Holby City and Casualty about the consultants jumping on the patients beds to administer treatment, she would say it just doesn't happen in real life.

So cue my Labour, SEVERAL hours in and labour not really progressing well. The consultant comes in to examine me and discovers a cord prolapse (scary scenario I know but everything was fine) so obviously an emergancy section is needed, so the consultant jumps on the bed to keep his hand in place so he can hold the babies head off the cord while I am run along the corridor in the bed to theatre and all I can think is "I must remember to tell friend that they do jump on the bed" In my defense Gas and Air had played a big part in my Labour up until then

PottyCockinaPearTree Tue 30-Dec-08 23:24:11

oh god love this thread, I hope it runs forever!

Funniest moment for me was during transition when DP thought it would be a good idea to start singing 'Little donkey <subsitute name of our now deceased cat for donkey>' to me.

W. T. F. ?

Even in my breathless and panting state I did manage to tell him to shut up.

Essie3 Tue 30-Dec-08 23:20:32

Ah, this thread again! I first read it in May about a month before I gave birth and it helped a lot. I have 3 (I will not do this chronologically but build up to a climax as it were!)

1. Midwife telling me to put on my knickers as the young asian anaesthetist was about to enter. I refused, and fought her a bit. So she said well let's put the blanket over you then. I also barked at her to TAKE IT OFF, I want NOTHING on me. I'm normally quite reserved.

2. Everybody - maybe 10 people in the room - all still and quiet so that the anaesthetist could put in the epi needle. I took a slug of G&A and whispered (not!) to DH 'I think now might be the time for you to sneak out without anybody noticing and bring me back some chocolate. But don't tell HER.' (The midwife).

3. [drum roll] DH left the room as the anaesthetist read me the t&c of the epi. After a silent pause, I took a deep noisy slug of the G&A, Darth Vadar like, and said
YOU [breath] had better do a good job of this [breath] because my husband is a barrister [breath] who does botched caesarian cases [breath] and will sue your ass off. [breath]
He proceeded to insert the needle with a shaky hand, but did a cracking job of it - a great epidural.
10 weeks later I was at a wedding of a family friend and saw DH chatting to a familiar man. Couldn't quite place him, but DH called me over and asked if I recognised him. I thought for a bit and realised...he was my anaesthetist...who reminded me of my threat! Luckily we could both laugh about it... blush

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Mon 29-Dec-08 03:51:41

Oh i heart gas and air. Apparently during my first labour I was rabbiting on about Fraggle Rock!!! And later told the modwife I didn't give a fucking fuck if I got sore fucking throat I would grunt as much as I fucking well wanted to blush

Jacksmama Mon 29-Dec-08 03:43:26

I love this thread. It's my favourite.
Jackbaby's birth was just pants... (see Birth Trauma Support Thread hmm) because my midwife was a cowbag, but I so love reading everyone else's stories!!

madmouse Sun 28-Dec-08 21:45:19

oh my word I can't believe this thread is still going, and you are still on it too whomovedmychocolate grin. I read this a few weeks before giving birth (which was a horror story ending in scbu, nothing funny to report) and seriously thinking I was going to go into labour from the laughing.

ds is now 11 months

and this thread is still hilarious grin

lottiejenkins Sun 28-Dec-08 19:59:15

My favourite part of childbirth was watching a cricket match on the tv in the labour ward with my hubby....... everytime there was a wicket id cheer and the midwives would rush in and ask if i was ok.....i just replied that another wicket had gone! They werent very happy! They moved me into the delivery suite and i wasnt allowed the tv in there... i kept sending them out to find the score!!

Daffodilly Sun 28-Dec-08 19:43:07

This thread has cheered me no end as I approach birth of DC2.

Funny bits I recall from DD1:

- Upon waking DH at 3AM to tell him "it's started" at 41 weeks. He lept up and asked "if there is time to shower and shave as he doesn't want DD to meet him all scruffy looking". She was born 40 HOURS later and we were both pretty scruffy looking by then!

- DH dozing on the bed in the midwife led unit (I couldn't bear to lie down) and he lept to attention at my side everytime the midwife opened the door to come and check on us.

- 14 hours later and exhausted I asked for epidural. Was told I had to move to another unit in different part of hospital, was I OK to walk? I got up and set off and a pace carrying all our bags as I was so keen to get the drugs. Midwife followed shouting at me to leave the bags and a porter would take them!

Jacksmama Sun 28-Dec-08 01:05:45

Clarabell!! PMSL!!!!!!!!!
All I can say about gas and air was that they offered it to me while I was waiting for my epidural, and I was warned that it wouldn't take the pain away, it would just make me care less, and I remember snatching it like Clarabell and saying, "great, give it to me NOW!!!"
Not very funny... in a labour filled with few, if any, funny moments... hmm

clarabell16 Sat 27-Dec-08 20:58:31

God, i love this thread, gas and air is amazing stuff. To add mine - dd was a failed induction ending in c section, delirious with 30 odd hours of pain with no pain relief, as apparently i was NOT in labour,MW's finally hand over the gas and air, mw had it in her hand begining to demonstrate how to use it, when apparently i lunged at her snatched it from her like a crack addict and started sucking at it for dear life, only stopping to tell whoever was talking to me to 'fuck right off'. Unfortunately all the beeping of the machines blended into to each other in my gas and air haze to sound like some sort of rave song, at which point i stopped sucking to politely inquire 'why are you playing rave music' then singing the tune of the rave song at full volume to show them which song it was and then following up with 'could you please turn it off, this reminds me of shagging my ex'. then getting really pissed off that they couldnt hear the song, and i could only hear it when on the gas and air, and demanding to know where the song was coming from. After hours of this then came the epidural, by which point i was completely high, i hassled the anaethestist convinced she went to school with me and that she was friends with sarah a girl who had hearingdifficulties, and enquiring was she deaf, and informing her we used to sit together in maths, and i never shagged any boys in school because, announcing at the top of my cackling voice, as 'I WAS A SWOT!!' Apparently i said loads of other things my dp will never tell me and i dont want him too!!

Hther Sat 27-Dec-08 12:53:11

2 minutes after calling the mw to home birth "oh no i'm pushing" T starts screaming louder than me, me:no its ok, i'm pooing not pushing, T: thats a hairy poo! a minute later she's out

telling him to hurry up to hold my hand when i knew i couldnt keep still long neough for him to

throwing the toilet seat out the door

with last labour refusing to take my trousers off saying i was cold and not in labour then checking the camcorder was working as i wanted to film the birth

after ARM at home birth, mw catching waters in bowl, putting bloody towels in there afterwards and after eating off the jst washed plates, finding my friend had used this bowl for the washing up (that wasn't funny at the time, just made me feel sick)

mw seeing a spider and running away

I had a fright when i was delivering DS. The MW screamed as he crowned adn i thougt something was really wrong- turns out his hadn was by his face adn he grabbed her finger as he came out.

Seeing DH's face as he held his firstborn who promptly pooed all over his hand was a picture too.

Ah I do love this thread so much. I started it under my first username (bless) when I was a newbie to Mumsnet.

DH's do tend to say some funny stuff just after childbirth though. My fave was DH who said of our daughter 'so how many weeks till her eyes open' hmm grin

I'm sure he thought she was a kitten!

JacksFirstChristmasMama Wed 24-Dec-08 23:01:38

I have to say that because of the house of horrors that DS's birth turned into (eventual forceps delivery, horrible tear from which I bled about 2 L - transfusion, special care unit for me, etc etc...) I couldn't get out of bed when DS first needed to be changed. So DH had to do it. It was that first meconium poo, so tarry black and sticky. I don't know HOW many wipes he used... wipe after wipe after wipe... but he did manage it, even if his hands were shaking after. I think it was good that he did the first awful change because subsequent diaper changes were less scary for him. Until DS started on fruit and yoghurt... then he had more trouble, LOL!

oneyummymummy Wed 24-Dec-08 22:38:05

Ha grin PMSL soooo much, this thread is great!!!

Not any funny stories of labour....had a horrible time of it but reading through did remember something slightly funny.......
Me DP and dd all in commual room waiting for the peadiatric doctor to discharge dd, I had c-section so was very slowly getting myself together along with hoards of presents, asked DP to undress dd as the paediatric doctor had arrived.......

DP 'what do i do?'
ME 'just take everything off of, her nappy too'
<carries on gathering presents and doing hair>
DP 'OH MY GOD shes POOING, oh my god, oh my god, help, what do i do?'

ME <calmly> 'just lift her up and put her on my bed' <grabbing wipes to clean her, and taking pooey sheets out of cot>

DP 'oh my god, now shes weeing, help....i cant do this!'

Me lauging lots by now but in soo much pain too!!! He tried his best! grin

JacksFirstChristmasMama Wed 24-Dec-08 18:20:01

I don't have anything funny to add (Jackbaby's birth was a horror show) but have been PMSL at these... and have had the occasional moment of naughty hilarity wishing that some of these had happened to my midwife or the cow of an OB I had... like being showered in waters, poo, or falling off a stool... not very Christmassy, I know, but the image (even if made-up) is soooooo satisfying!! grin

senem Wed 24-Dec-08 17:45:18

Yeah I think this is a great thread can't wait to add my story in here. (I Hope I am due on March so will be reading a lot till then )

MrsChristmasY Wed 24-Dec-08 13:38:03

He he! Please can we have some more?

nissa Sat 29-Nov-08 21:13:34

this is a great thread. I will be re-reading it in April when I'm crapping myself about this baby coming!

with DD it was when the biggest scariest looking doctor came and told me she was going to examine me.

I was slightly high on gas and air and her hands looked huge to me... I said ' you can't put those up'll hurt me...' She replied ' honey, you're worried about this hand when you're going to give birth to a whole baby?' My mum and sister were pissing themselves laughing. I just scowled and said 'don't call me honey....'

The other thing was when I told my sister that the gas and air was 'gooooooood shit...' and promptly fell off the chair......

Oh good times.....

Beccabump Thu 27-Nov-08 22:03:12

A few from DD1...

Having stripped off all my clothes as i couldn't bare anything touching my skin and staying like that for the whole labour....except my socks.

Realising a week later that i had been leaning out over the windowsill in the room to get some fresh air...the window was directly above the glass roofed conservatory dining room for the main hospital - nice view of my boobs dangling from 2 storeys up.

Overdoing the gas and air so that everyone turned into characters from the old-style advert for kia-ora - the one with the black birds and african women...exclaiming to DH that 'everyones gone black'.

Again too much gas and air - refusing to believe that DD had been born...asking him to check up my fanjo to see if she was really out.

mummy2t Tue 25-Nov-08 21:36:23

i farted!!! not just a little one either!! a full blown man fart that stunk the place out !!! lol

Midge25 Tue 25-Nov-08 21:19:00

Was a bit trippy on all the pain relief and said to dh "please stop sprinkling anchovies on the lawn" in a very disapproving tone. Also alleged that I could see his car through a brick wall (with my x-ray vision...grin)

NCbirdy Tue 25-Nov-08 00:41:48

My funniest bit was exH face when, after 20 mins of puffing cheeks, a bit of panting and contracting every 5 mins or so I called "H take my trousers off the baby is here" He did catch her but only just grin (this was an unassisted HB and exH first child, the mw was most impressed wink)

heather1980 Mon 24-Nov-08 23:29:18

right before i pushed out ds i had a poo and it stank! i was sat there saying 'omg i had a poo infront of a stranger' the mw was lovely though.
when he was crowning my mantra to stop myself from screaming was 'that smarts, that smarts'!! it worked as well.
i had a home birth as well and the tv was on, i was watching hollyoaks between contractions, coz it was the episode with niall in the church and i didn't want to miss it smile

pinktree Mon 24-Nov-08 11:47:32

On all fours screaming through a contraction in the car, on the way to the hospital in early morning traffic with other cars and passengers right next us - including stupid white van drivers who were staring at me! blush

Once at the hospital stupid dh parked the car on a main road near the hospital first and THEN left me and ran to get a wheelchair! Broad daylight me screaming f* f* f*! in the car on my own whilst mothers were walking their children to school.

Finally through main hospital entrance being pushed by dh in wheel chair and me telling everyone and anyone to f* off and don't come near me! Including sweet old man and lady! blush Still feel a bit bad about that...

glitteryb6 Sun 23-Nov-08 23:20:53

when the consultant, on needing a lower seat, shouted "stool" to the midwife and dp thought i had sh*t myself.

FifiForgot Mon 17-Nov-08 23:15:17

After losing the plot with the Community MW at 41+6, I was booked in to be induced. Taken into Labour Ward to be assessed. I had a birth plan with I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE AN EPIDURAL at the top and all sorts of other rubbish on it - grand plans for a natural birth (hollow laugh). Left in the room with DH for a couple of hours MW came in with gel:

MW: Oh we won't be needing this then
Me: Why not?
DH: You are in labour - those pains aren't nerves, they are contractions!
Me (in total surprise): Am I?!
Cue giggles from DH and MW

12 hours later at 2am, me high on G&A, bouncing on birthing ball with The Jam blasting in my ears, saying "this is easy - I can do this!" 20 minutes later:

MW: You are 2 cms
Me: What!
MW: 2 cms
Me: More drugs please

8am, MW check:

MW: Well done, 3 cms
Me: Is that all? Now what?
MW: I'll speak to the doctor
Me: I'll have an epidural now please

I got my epidural (and a drip to move things along) at about 8.30am and promptly went to sleep. My lovely MW woke me up at 1pm to do another check - yipee, fully dilated

MW: Right, lets get you ready to push
Me: Can't we wait for an hour or so, I would quite like to go back to sleep please
MW: Err not really

DD eventually arrived after 26 hours, via a crash section and a further 4 hours of emergency surgery. DH finally went home at 3am, 36 hours after we arrived, while I floated on a haze of some fairly hefty drugs including self-administered Morphine. Next time, I'm having an elective section!

hannahlouhoo Mon 17-Nov-08 19:53:25

great thread!

funniest moment, when mum asked me how i was on the way to hospital, i said at the top of my voice "I FEEL VERY SHOUTY" still not sure what i ment!! when i got to hospital i was 10cm and ready to go!!

Elliegant Tue 11-Nov-08 17:05:53

my funniest bit was before we even got to hospital. My waters had broken at about 8.00 am whilst dh was getting ready for work, as I had gestational diebetes and other complications I had been told to go straight to hospital at the slightest sign.. So my dh is running around our flat frantically looking for my hospital bag and shouting come on we've got to go whilst still in his pants and socks.... Whilst I stripped the bed, loaded the washer and had a quick bath.. Bless him he is usually so calm and laid back it still makes me laugh out loud to picture him grin

Jacksmama Tue 11-Nov-08 16:57:09

We live in Canada and for the last couple of years there's been this type of TENS device here that was all the rage, invented by someone called Dr. Ho. Everyone has been calling the devices "Dr. Ho"s, rather than TENS machines. Consensus seems evenly divided between those who swear by them and those who think they're the tackiest little things that don't do much of anything. Plus, when people hear the word "ho" of course they think of loose women which makes it all that much funnier. And here a penis is occasionally referred to as a "peter".

Imagine how we felt when an OB had to be called to assess me, and a tall Asian man walked in and the MW introduced him as "Dr. Peter Ho"...

Olipop Tue 11-Nov-08 06:46:22

bumping for any more recent stories!

IhaveaSONcalledJesse Thu 06-Nov-08 23:17:37

I love this thread, we absolutely have to keep it going.

Went into labour with DD at my Mums house. My sister who still lived there was told to tidy her room, to which she replied "Why she's not having it up there is she?"

19 hrs later DD was born, and I cried "It's a baby" Del boy fashion. I had actually forgot that's what was going on.

DH was hysterical with tears... he left to phone people and the midwife asked me "Is he okay?" hmm

With DS much quicker 6 hr labour, but this meant no fresh air between gulps of gas and air... DH asked me why I'd been keeping my A Level in comedy a secret so long, when it could be making us our fortune.grin

MW kept telling me not to push (still fully clothed and only 3cms at this point), me pushing, when they tried to get my bottoms off I clamped my legs shut and snarled "You're not coming near me unless you get pethadine first". When bottoms were eventually prised from me DS's head was crowning.

Me climbing up the bed, DH asking what I was doing, and I calmly explained the bottom of the bed was causing me some pain so I was trying to get away from it.

Finally DS and I were back to back, so when his head (and arm) crowned my Mum exclaiming "Oh look at him, lying there like superman, taking us all in."

Lizzzombie Fri 31-Oct-08 15:59:53

Hah - am loving this thread!

I am sure the Dr who came in to do my episotimy (sp) was about 19, total wide boy, with gold necklace and his surgical trousers round his knees so the top of his boxers were showing. In true wideboy gangsta stylie he flicked his fingers in that funny clicky way alot of men can do, and pronounced "tuuunnne!" to the song which was playing on my cd player...I think it was a Supremes song.
I was a bit mortified that someone from Musical Youth was about to sew me up, but laugh about it now!

Looking back though, I am sure I've baby sat for people older than him, he was really young!

CalE Fri 31-Oct-08 15:53:45

Many, many things.....:

- When my first MW (lovely woman) went for her break another MW (total witch) replaced her. I was naked from the waist down and had adopted doggy-style position. She must have been offended by my massive piles because she kept draping a bedsheet over my arse. I kept brushing it off, but she wouldn't take the hint! I was in immense pain and moaning a lot, she said "Well start thinking about pain relief because it's going to get a lot worse". At this point I said "When will the other MW be back?"!!!!!
- When I was struggling to push DD out, MW (the nice one) asked if i thought it would help to see what was going on in a mirror. I said I'd give it a go and was expecting a large handmirror or something. She went into a cupboard and wheeled out a full length dress mirror. I thought this was hilarious and said it made it all a bit too graphic for me!
- The shocked expression on DD face when she slithered out onto the bed!
- When asking what sex we'd got, DD was presented to me and I was so high from the morphine/gas and air and she was so swollen that I couldn't figure it out!!!

Jacksmama Thu 30-Oct-08 18:38:13

Bump! This thread is great!! Have PMSL reading it!!!! Please keep it going!!

UncleHester Sun 26-Oct-08 23:04:23

This thread is great! I'm struggling to think of anything funny to say about dd's birth, but i did have a great experience as a birth partner for a dear friend, up north back in 1991.

Friend was a young hippy. Her dh had put his back out pretty seriously the week before. So when we got into labour room we pushed the bed to the side (quite a radical act back then) and everyone got on the floor. Friend wanted me to massage her bottom - for HOURS - and hold hot sponges onto her fanjo. Friend's dh decided his pain also needed attention, so pulled down his trousers and between her contractions I massaged his bum too. (I know, I know, it just felt rude to refuse.) Oh, and then we were joined by friend's mother, uninvited, who had heard I was going to be there and felt she had to turn up to protect her daughter's honour (because I'm gay). She sat on the bed eating her way through a vast tupperware box of egg sandwiches, hurling abuse at me and her son-in-law.

The midwives left us to it, though at one stage one brought her mate to the door to take a look at us: "I reckon this lot are giving birth to a Martian", she said, within earshot.

I have never worked so hard in my chuffing life. It felt like I was birth partner to two people at once. Oh, and friend's dh also used her G&A throughout...

chocbiscuits Sun 26-Oct-08 22:38:22

After 1st stage induction stage (gel) I said ' I think my waters have broken'. MW "No I think you're just a bit sweaty" (ummmm never spurted with sweat before!).hmm

On the obs/gyne ward being induced, another MW: "I think we'd better get you to the delivery floor, It would probably be easiest if you run there between contractions". grin

BettySwollux Sun 19-Oct-08 22:01:03

With DS1, phoning hospital to ask when I should go in.
MW how far apart are the contractions?
ME 4 mins.
MW come in now then.
ME ooh, I cant do that, I'm going in the bath.

Couldnt find the camera, so DH parked in town and went off to buy one.(leaving me huffing and puffing in the car for 20 mins while he considered his purchase - to be fair though, it was a very nice camera!)
Couldnt find labour ward, so wandering about til my friends brother who is a porter in hospital found me and took us there.

DH saying as I was pushing, 'Go on girl, give it some welly' (a la del boy). I tried to get up mid-push to punch him.

DS2, 1/2 hour after diamorphine, 'DH, I'm off my fucking tits!'
MW grinned and said, 'just enjoy it love'
Pushing with DS2, MW said, 'blimey, have you still got a contraction?' I said 'NO, but this little bugger is coming NOW whether he wants to or not' (2nd stage 9 mins grin)

Howdie Sun 12-Oct-08 01:12:07

In the throes of transition and 2nd stage pushing. Had been unable to talk or look at anyone for the previous 10 minutes and was making some very primal moooing noises when I had a sudden and very urgent need for chocolate. I kneeled upright and said "I need chocolate - NOW!!" My daughter brought me maltesers and I patiently waited with my mouth open for DH to open the packet and pop one in for me. He got one out of the packet, went to put it in my mouth, laughed and then put it in his own mouth - [hmmm] Man with a death wish?? You'd think that by the third child he'd have realised NEVER to mess with a woman in second stage of labour!

Alieight Sat 11-Oct-08 18:37:24

Had agonising back pain, so ordered my DP to go and buy me a hot-water bottle while I was in labour at home (had been sent home by the hospital as wasn't very far along)...he came back after an hour apologising profusely as almost noone seemed to have any (not surprising in August really), but he'd managed to find one in Argos...was fluffy, pink and has PLAYBOY written across in in big letters and a playboy bunny on it.

DeeInMalaysia Thu 09-Oct-08 07:12:30

With DS1 I was going to have an emergency c-section, because the baby was in distress. They put the needle in my back and this tube came over the shoulder but before they attached anything they couldn't hear the babies heartbeat anymore. (was fine, the thing just moved) Anyway the doctor came in with the forceps and gave me an episiotomy first. (remember no gas and air and the epidural was forgotten about) I was screaming and just before she used the forceps DP started saying: Jeez, would you look at that! They're like salad scoops. They're never going to fit up there! That's horrible!
So, I told him to f*K off and stop talking as he was making me feel sick. And guess what he said..... AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE IT!!!!
(I'd bloody rather see it than feel it though)

susia Thu 09-Oct-08 00:04:52

well I had a very long labour and in the middle of the night I decided to go for a walk. I had had pethadine and was really high and euphoric on it. The midwife said I could walk around the corridors but I gave her the slip and walked out of the hospital in my nightie. I walked around the streets in bare feet stopping every couple of minutes with a contraction. It's lucky I didn't get lost...

AmyO Wed 08-Oct-08 15:45:28

Just laughed so hard I spat tea all over my keyboard at work! Thanks for brightening my day girls!

frazzledoldbag34 Wed 08-Oct-08 10:20:18

My waters breaking with a very loud BANG and splashing about 6 feet up the wall at the bottom of the bed, all over the midwife and student next to her. DH jumped out of his skin and shouted 'what the bloody hell was that?'
DD was born about 5 mins latergrin

Also (with both DD's) saying 'I've changed my mind, I'll just go home now I think' about 1/2 hour before they were born. But then I think most people say this or at least think it at some point!

Nurse1 (entering operating room and apparently seeing a beached whale on the table): OH MY GOD!!!!!
Nurse2 (hissing furiously): It's twins
Nurse1 (quietly): oh

muffinmum Wed 08-Oct-08 00:52:52

floating above the bed on so many drugs and gas and air could feel the blimin tens machine on full blast, had spiders marching up and down my spine but couldnt get anyone to understand me. Heard MW asking DH does she have thentens machine on, hurray,hurray i think but then he says no she turned it off on way was turned off when i went into theatre for emergency c-section, 3hrs later.

Also 3 days later at home when DH said to MW come on we all need to stop molly coddling her now it was only an operation.wasnt funny at time but MWs face was a picture.

mybabywakesupsinging Wed 08-Oct-08 00:22:32

left going in as late as possible with ds2 and was in transition in the car.
Me: (restrained) Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ds1: (laughing his head off in the back) Ow. Ow. Ow.
On arrival at labour ward
Senior m/w: well we'll put you on the pre-delivery ward for assessment
me: will have to be a quick visit then
m/w: do you think you are in labour then?
me: err...
ds2 born 20mins later

newton Tue 07-Oct-08 21:54:43

fairly uneventful pregnancy and labour. But in final stages of labour after DS head was delivered midwife told me to "bear down and push" problem was could still feel his feet in my ribs. Midwife told me it was impossible, soon after DS was born 11lbs 13oz and the longest baby I have ever seen. The moses basket at home...... he wasn't in it long, really glad I didn't have newborn clothes!!

VickyPea Tue 07-Oct-08 21:46:41

During the birth of DS2, the bit where the midwife said "here she is" as she pulled at DS's head and then she said, "oh, its a boy" shock.

We fell about laughing, honest, especially as we had a nice pink bedroom, with pink walls and carpet waiting for him at home. Bloody sonographer !!!! (actually was completely a different pregnancy to DS1 so I was more willing to believe he was a girl).

My mum phoned and dh had to tell her so she ran out into her street shouting its a boy, its a boy and my aunt (who lives next door) accused her of lying.

Didn't want a girl, far too bossy!

Neeerly3 Tue 07-Oct-08 21:28:07

sat in the aftermath, legs akimbo, using the bedside phone to call my mum and when she asked how I was, I said "yeah cool, just watching the footie" I'd just given birth to twin boys at 29 weeks and i was gassing about Football! Luckily mum was plastered as she had gone to the pub when dh had told her i was in labour......

Cazzybaby Tue 07-Oct-08 21:19:22

Half past 4 in the morning contractions every 3 mins apart, we get into the car to go to the hospital only we dont start moving!

I look at DP 'why are we not moving'

DP replies 'i'm just de misting the windows darling'


can only laugh about it now but at the time it was so not funny!

Eaglebird Tue 07-Oct-08 18:52:33

I'd had an epidural, and the midwife asked me if I needed to wee.
I assured her I definitely didn't need a wee.
She then produced a bedpan and asked me to try anyway. (At this point I insisted DP leave the room to preserve my modesty <hollow laugh emoticon>, which he did.
Anyway, I was hauled onto the bedpan and couldn't squeeze a single drop out.
I gave the midwife a 'see I told you I didn't need a wee' look.
DP then came back into the room just as I was being catheterised, and about a gallon of wee came gushing out of the plastic pipe. DP says he'd never seen so much wee in all his life blush

Buckets Tue 07-Oct-08 13:59:29

My foul mouth on gas&air, I felt like some old rock star. Did sod all for the pain but I felt quite uninhibited between contractions.

FoghornLeghorn Tue 07-Oct-08 13:10:25

With DD1, nothing in the later stages made me laugh whatsoever ! However, DH fannying around doing his hair before we left for the hospital at about 4am was quite funny and then when we went back later on that day, him casually ironing his clothes upstairs and gasing away to his brother while I was doubled over in agony !
With DD2, my waters breaing spectacularly at my parents house which was half hour away from our house and the hospital, no hospital bags so had to sit on a pile of beach towels all the way home, every time I moved a milimetre I just got more and more soaked ! And also insiting to the midwife I needeed to push, to be told I don't, then being examined and midwife running out into corridor shouting 'prep the trolley, prep the trolley' grin
With DD3, again telling MW I needed to push, to be told I didn't, she said she would examine me while pulling a stupid face and baby's head appearing at that moment ! Also chanting the song from Little Einsteins in my head the whole time I pushed her out - 'We're going on a trip, in our favourite rocket ship, zooming through the sky, Little Einsteins' (yeh, you know the one) grin grin

honeydew Tue 07-Oct-08 13:00:24

My funniest moment during my second labour was my Spanish trainee midwfife ( who was actually the best midwife I've ever had)telling me to "push out of my front bottom"

My DH was smirking like a little school boy for about 10 mins !

katiechops Tue 07-Oct-08 11:06:52

Sitting on a birthing ball having been given pethadine, I turned to DH with a big soppy grin and said "This stuff is great! It's like the end of the night when you've had to many pills and fell all la la la! I love you. I want to go and dance." DH looked very embarassed, but the young midwife laughed.

Also DH was very pissed off when he had a 10 minute nap on the uncomfortable armchair in teh lbour suite after having been in awake for 30 hours already, that the midwife wrote "partner asleep" on my notes.

Salleroo Tue 07-Oct-08 11:00:43

Loved the gas and air, to DH 'this is great shi*, try it'.
Ended up being rushed from midwife led unit to hospital and came round to DH telling me we had a dd, to which I replied 'what, I was pregnant?' grin

ukrainianmum Tue 07-Oct-08 11:00:35

Well,was induced at 36 weeks and it was second day of induction and nothing was happenning.I didn't dilate but was in severe pain from contructions.So doctors,a huge group of thwm came and said that they have to stop giving me this gel and let me rest for a day and start on Monday again.And I couldn't bear the thought that I have to go through this again. So I said to them "you started you finish it today",they were very ammused with the "you started it" part. later i was on this gas,dh was breathing it as well coz he couldn't bear the thought of a pain(and he is an ex-boxer)
And I remember how i wanted to ask about pecedine injection but for about 2 mins i couldn't pronounce anything but "when" so i went like "when whenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhen"
Luckily MW was a very patient lady.

And the mos funny thing was when was aleardy dilating they left me with my dh and my friend and when I felt that this is the time my friend and dh rushing in to the corridor screaming at the same time in English and russian and all I could hear was "tell her to wait,we are changing shifts now"

ukrainianmum Tue 07-Oct-08 11:00:34

Well,was induced at 36 weeks and it was second day of induction and nothing was happenning.I didn't dilate but was in severe pain from contructions.So doctors,a huge group of thwm came and said that they have to stop giving me this gel and let me rest for a day and start on Monday again.And I couldn't bear the thought that I have to go through this again. So I said to them "you started you finish it today",they were very ammused with the "you started it" part. later i was on this gas,dh was breathing it as well coz he couldn't bear the thought of a pain(and he is an ex-boxer)
And I remember how i wanted to ask about pecedine injection but for about 2 mins i couldn't pronounce anything but "when" so i went like "when whenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhen"
Luckily MW was a very patient lady.

And the mos funny thing was when was aleardy dilating they left me with my dh and my friend and when I felt that this is the time my friend and dh rushing in to the corridor screaming at the same time in English and russian and all I could hear was "tell her to wait,we are changing shifts now"

ukrainianmum Tue 07-Oct-08 11:00:33

Well,was induced at 36 weeks and it was second day of induction and nothing was happenning.I didn't dilate but was in severe pain from contructions.So doctors,a huge group of thwm came and said that they have to stop giving me this gel and let me rest for a day and start on Monday again.And I couldn't bear the thought that I have to go through this again. So I said to them "you started you finish it today",they were very ammused with the "you started it" part. later i was on this gas,dh was breathing it as well coz he couldn't bear the thought of a pain(and he is an ex-boxer)
And I remember how i wanted to ask about pecedine injection but for about 2 mins i couldn't pronounce anything but "when" so i went like "when whenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhen"
Luckily MW was a very patient lady.

And the mos funny thing was when was aleardy dilating they left me with my dh and my friend and when I felt that this is the time my friend and dh rushing in to the corridor screaming at the same time in English and russian and all I could hear was "tell her to wait,we are changing shifts now"

AuntyVi Tue 07-Oct-08 10:34:12

Spent most of the first night sitting in a hot bath as night MW wouldn't let me go into hosp until contractions were more regular (which they never did get, not even after syntocin and right up to eventual C-section, grrr...). DH was meant to be timing contractions but was so tired he lay on the floor by the bath with pen and paper, slept for 7-8 mins and then I woke him when each contraction started... he would sit up, put a mark on his piece of paper then go straight back to sleep till the next one!
Also funny with hindsight, but not at the time... at one stage he asked if I would let him go to bed for a bit while I sat in the bath, and as not much was happening anyway I said OK - he said "if you need anything just shout and I'll get up", and we left both doors open so he could hear me. After 2 hours, wanted to phone the hospital to see if the MW would let us go in yet; so I shouted down the hall for him. No reply. Shouted again. No answer. Didn't want to get out of the bath as a) it would hurt more without all the hot water and b) waters would leak everywhere again... Cue lots of lying in bath yelling "**ing DH, will you **ing wake up now you **er" and similar nice phrases, at top of voice, at 3am... no idea what the neighbours made of it! He STILL didn't wake up though, so eventually had to resort to throwing everything I could find (soap, rubber duck,...!) down the hall to hit the door next to the bedroom, in the hope that would wake him up... Still no answer, then soon after he woke up by himself - came wandering down the hall saying "how are you getting on" or something, GRRR! But I can still tease him about it now.

cyteen Tue 07-Oct-08 09:33:21

Whilst being stitched up post-birth, responding to the doctor's cheery enquiry of "How is that?" with "Fine, how is it for you?"

SamJohnsMum Tue 07-Oct-08 09:23:42

It could be DH saying "sure, just a minute" and taking a huge gulp of G&A when I asked for it - I was already having the contraction!!

Or, it could be when DH hit his funny bone on something in the delivery suite and said "God, that hurts". I had been in active labour for 5 hours I think at this point and I just looked at him.

Bless him, he was wonderful though!!

RuthChan Tue 07-Oct-08 07:55:50

I was in the last stages of labour when the doctor and midwife told me that I could see the head.
I insisted that I couldn't see it.
We argued about this for a moment with them insisting that I could and me insisting that I couldn't.

Then they told me that if I actually opened my eyes I would be able to see it.

I honestly felt that there was far too much sensory information entering my head at that particular time and that if I opened my eyes and added visual information to it all then my brain would surely explode.

Needless to say, I didn't open my eyes and I didn't see DD's head, or any other part of her, until she was actually handed to me. grin

emskaboo Mon 06-Oct-08 19:27:18

I had a very quick labour, was five cm when I got to the hospital after an hour I said I neded to push and the Mw said I wasn't ready, I growled I bloody was, she checked and said 'your cervix has gone' and I off my face on Gas and Air said, 'well it has got to be there somewhere it is a dead end you know' I didn't realise she meant I was fully dilated, cue Mw and DH falling about giggling!

AnnVan Mon 06-Oct-08 19:01:47

DS born just three weeks ago. He wasn't breathing when he came out, so had three peadiatricians to get him going. I was off my face on G&A (lovely stuff) and after he was breathing saw him across the room, and said (to room of shocked people) 'he's so ugly, but in a cute ET sort of way' To be fair he was blue and wrinkly with huge eyes.

tostaky Mon 06-Oct-08 07:51:13

lol These are too funny!! I'm tempted to print them and read them while I am in labour... in a few weeks time...!

biscuitbarrel Mon 06-Oct-08 02:33:50

Getting stuck on the loo during contractions- they were coming too fast for me to have a moment to get up and into the pool. Cue my mother, very politely suggesting that this was not where she had envisaged the baby being born and would I please move sharpish?

notcitrus Thu 02-Oct-08 13:46:19

Midwife assessing me for check-in: Congratulations, you are definitely in labour!
Me: No shit, Sherlock!
MrNC: [huge embarrassment]

30 hours later in theatre being prepped for ventouse and probable cs (but cs not needed, yay!)
Anaethetist asked what name we'd picked, and then cracked up laughing. he said "You know the name of the guy who did your epidural last night? He'll be so chuffed!" had to admit to having the name already.

One push and pull of ventouse and everyone screams 'it's a head!' i refused to believe them until i saw the reflection in the light above. even when he popped out in 3 more pushes, i was insistent i hadn't given birth and this baby must have been hidden under the table. MrNC swore blind there were no babies hidden in the theatre when we went in. Fortunately i fugured he was a lovely baby and i'd have him anyway!

next day, mrnc suggested i close the curtains before changing. i pointed out half the hospital had seen my arse already. he argued, 'not quite half'. i replied that was only because it was a huge hospital, and over 100 staff had seen my arse already! i think he closed them...

zookeeper Thu 02-Oct-08 08:31:31

offering my fanjo up for inspection to a very embarrassed male cleaner

Ozziegirly Thu 02-Oct-08 08:30:26

No story for me, but my Mum tells me that when she was having me (in the days before scans etc) she had been induced and had been trying to give birth for hours in agony.

The trainee midwife came in and realised I was completely bent in half inside and would never have been able to be born without assistance. So they called the surgeon in to do a c-section (this was a quaint local hospital without full time surgeons!), who rushed in from a black tie do, in full evening dress. My dad apparently commented "well, it was nice of her to dress up for the occasion".

Then my mum came round from the c-section, and said to my Dad "I've got to have a c-section" and he responded "you already have, we've got a daughter".

And then apparently cried all the way home and still tells me now it was the best day of his life.

vizbizz Thu 02-Oct-08 01:58:24

after delivery while still waiting to be stitched up dh says I think I'll go home now, I'm really tired. he says this to me after 2 nights of no sleep (he'd slept) and having my bits torn to pieces and still waiting to have it all stitched up.

Whatever. he forgot he ever said it, and a couple of weeks ago when I reminded him he had the grace the say "did I really say that?" and look very embarrassed

That was as close to funny as anything about that delivery got

MoccaMint Wed 01-Oct-08 23:48:08

please please please add some more!

poisondwarf Sat 13-Sep-08 15:22:35

oops sorry, totally wrong thread! great thread by the way.

actually, while I'm here (haven't read the whole thread so this might be quite similar to others) ...

needed to go to the loo during the earlier stages of labour at home but couldn't manage it, even though I was quite conscious that it would all have to come out before the baby did. Consequently by the time I got to hospital I had a rather large present for DH and the midwife - mw was to be heard muttering about the lack of ventilation in the room and hadn't I tried to go earlier? Needless to say, I couldn't give a monkeys. Shortly after I had emptied my bowels copiously on the table, I did the tiniest of burps and put my hand to my mouth ever so daintily. Ooh, pardon me I said in my most ladylike voice.

poisondwarf Sat 13-Sep-08 14:30:51

Umlellala - thanks ever so much for your kind offer (isn't MN lovely sometimes?). Would love to try out your slings - it would be great if we could meet up with Effie at the same time (I'm assuming you know each other) and have a mini sling-fest. Perhaps I could come up round your way one weekend - I think I'll be around the weekend after next (around 27th Sept) and possibly the weekend after. I will be having quite a few days off during October as well if weekdays are better, although probably not Wednesdays (which is when Effie is off I believe).

rosmerta meant to say ages ago, thanks for the tip on buggy boards - I didn't know you could get sit-down ones (but then I do walk round with my eyes shut) but yeah it does sound like it might be a bit awkward if you're a long way from the pram (especially if you're a shortarse like me). I shall have to keep my eyes peeled - let us know if you come across any really good ones.

kmp1 - no, the meet-up is still next Friday (19th). I've probably confused things by trying to get the ball rolling for the one after that. For anyone who's missed it, the link to the meet-up thread is here.

LadyT what a nightmare having to go into the office next week when you're all psyched up to go on leave - I'd be gutted. Not that I'm offering you sympathy or anything, what with having 2 months to go myself... Hope your dinner party wasn't too taxing, especially as you didn't have the option of drinking yourself into oblivion.

Speaking of drinking, I don't have it at home or anything but if I'm at a gathering I'll have a couple, mostly spaced out. I think actually the most I've drunk in one go this pregnancy is probably at our meet-up. I was quite quite poorly on the way home ...

wasabipeanut Fri 12-Sep-08 13:33:37

After taking my first huge lug of gas and air I told my DH and midwife that it was shite and didn't work then collapsed on to DH giggling like a maniac.

ajm200 Fri 12-Sep-08 13:26:56

I told the MW that I would not be pushing my baby out until I'd had some toast and butter as I was starving. She gave in eventually, handed the toast to hubby on a tray with a kidney shaped dish and said to me, eat it up then be kind enough to vomit in there and not on my shoes, there's a love.

I ate the toast, puked as predicted and she said, now we've got that over and done with shall we continue.. with a big grin on her face.

I had an EPI so don't have the excuse of being drugged out..

Beans33 Wed 10-Sep-08 12:16:47

I'm only preggy with first baby, but when my sister had an epidural, she was bursting for a pee. So they brought over a tray for her to use and she said she had the best pee of her life, including a big shudder afterwards. When she said she'd finished, they took away the tray and it was completely empty! She'd done nada.

ilovetochat Tue 09-Sep-08 22:29:16

after 17 hours of early labour i told dp i was ready to go to hospital, he said i'll just get the bag and rushed off, he was soon back with his cool bag full of sandwiches and snacks incase he got hungry.
During pushing i was going silent/still/eyes shut between contractions to regain energy and dp said to mw has she gone to sleep? DD was born 5 mins later.
As head started to show (with a mop of black hair) dp said looks like we are having a tomcat.

Snufflebufty Tue 09-Sep-08 22:04:46

crying with laughter here!!!

Shouting at OH that my bum had been hanging out the side of the bed (couldnt feel anything cos of the epidural) and OH politely telling me that my bum hanging out was the least of my worries after having the entire maternity ward see me with my feet in stirrups!!

One of the surgeons came to speak to me about my emergency section they were about to perform and all I could think about was how lovely her eye makeup was! Once in theatre, was lying there watching everyone run about getting things ready and saw someone come out with a rectangle thing. Thought this was maybe the screen they would put up in front of me so I couldnt see. Only to realise it was a step for the surgeon to stand on as she was only about 4ft tall.

LadySweet Tue 09-Sep-08 20:08:05

Midwife broke my waters and after a few minutes she said something like "ok thats it" to which I replied "Oh, is the baby here"; didnt know she was referring to the waters stopping grin.

reban Tue 09-Sep-08 18:13:33

The hospital bed actually jumping when my waters exploded with both dc2 and dc3 and soaked midwives both times!

I zoned out and wen 'into' myself when I was in the very last stages of labour (MW said I was around 9cm dilated). I was standing up leaning forward on the bed, resting my head on my arms. In my head, I was singing show tunes, well one to be specific - 'When you're good to Mama' from Chicago. My midwife turned the lights down in the room and there was silence.

SO I THOUGHT - it turns out that I was actually singing out loud and wiggling my bum at the same time.... apparently my MW and DH were quite anmused !

Boobz Fri 05-Sep-08 23:32:10

FrannyandZooey Fri 05-Sep-08 18:57:35

oh and i said i felt like Dennis Hopper when i started on the gas and air
complete incomprehension from doula and dp

FrannyandZooey Fri 05-Sep-08 18:52:18

I bit the doula's hand

i thought it was mine shock
she was saying "no biting! stop!" and i was thinking "fgs i will bite my hand if i want to" (gas and air had run out)

only much later i realised it had been HER hand blush

luckylady74 Fri 05-Sep-08 18:50:16

Yes Bobz - one of the more slagged off names on mnet babynames section, but as i said at the time I'm hoping for a showgirl grin

Boobz Fri 05-Sep-08 18:12:43


luckylady74 Fri 05-Sep-08 14:40:24

With dtwins - the anaesthetist saying 'have you stopped swearing now?' I was merely expressing my strong desire not to do it without drugs again.grin

The male midwife saying I wasn't in labour and me giving birth to twins 2 hrs later.

My waters breaking in the consultant's face.

The aforementioned anaes saying about dd1's name 'you do realise that's a tranvestite's and a showgirl's name?'

Ds1's birth - not amusing at the time, but afterwards I heard dh saying 'the delivery room resembled the deck of a whaling ship'
and he swears I said the student could come in only if he didn't look at my bottem!

hobnob57 Fri 05-Sep-08 14:28:15

Didn't have a very funny labour (failed induction), but I do remember two things -

The utterly bizarre sight of a crib in the labour ward room 'I'm not leaving this room with an actual baby, am I?!' - turns out I was partially right anyway, and

Just about passing out on gas and air and realising that when folks faint on the TV they do a good job of portraying what it feels like. The darkness closed in and the voices got quieter.... Anaesthestist prepping me for a spinal asked 'is she ok?' and I muster all the energy I have left to be coherent and say 'you're all very far away.....'

oh, and the knowing look on the midwife's face when I puked up a bottle of Lucozade sport after downing it while I had my waters boken claiming to be starving.

Antdamm Fri 05-Sep-08 13:40:13

My DP foned the hospital, i'd been having contractions for 5hours, tells them that we'll we b coming in shortly.
MW on fone says - Has she had a show?
DP says no, she doesnt think so.
MW says - well she can't be in labour, she should have had a show. Tell her to put on a pad.
Me telling DP - tell her to F ~ OFF!!
MW says - have a paracetamol, she'll be fineshock
We arrive at hospital half an hour later - to meet the lovely MW on the phone. Who examined me to discover that i was 6cm dilated!! DP, very angry at how she was on fone, says to her, how can that be?? I thought u said she wasnt in labourhmm

She apologised and disappeared very quickly

Ronaldinhio Thu 04-Sep-08 18:17:57

Also as labour stopped for a while I got up and was walking about and came across Gary Newman who was visiting someone (his wife?) on the labour ward
V weird and I have witnesses so not a hallucination!

Ronaldinhio Thu 04-Sep-08 18:12:04

Whilst the mw was breaking my waters (in established labour 8 cm gone but waters still intact for some reason) actually with the crochet hook in there, there was a knock on the door.
MW1 says mmm can you give me a minute, I'm a little busy right now
It's just we need the keys to the drug cabinet
Oh they're in my pocket
Comes in and fishes them out of M1's pocket
Then leaves

We all burst out laughing

trishpops Thu 04-Sep-08 17:53:50

this is such a funny thread. me and my dp pissed ourselves though most of my labour, it began with the G&A, i was high as a kite. i was sucking on 'ducky' (as i christened the mouthpeice) for dear life and waiting for the birthing pool to be ready, when i asked my MW if i could still have G&A in the pool. i could have sworn she breezily replied, 'you can have it in your ears in your eyes and up your arse if that's where you want it!'...and dp confirms that is exactly what she did say! also when dd about to be delivered, one of the students trying to be nice said,'do yuo know what you're having?' to which i snarled 'i hope it's a fucking baby!!'

Pheebe Thu 04-Sep-08 17:34:15

DS1 wasn't funny at all

DS2 was brilliant, funniest bit was mw ripping my knickers off because he decided to crown at a moments notice took us all by surprise as I;d only rolled over to get comfy...I wailed don't ruin me pants hmm blush grin

No one before or unfortunately since has ripped my knickers off grin I live in hope...

calsworld Thu 04-Sep-08 15:17:43

I was given a couple of jabs after DS ECS, can't even remember what they were for now...anyway, I had to have two in my leg.

The injection was so bloody painful I caused a really big fuss, I was convinced she was putting it in the wrong place and got really cross with her...she then asked a bit sarcastically what I wanted to do about the second injection - without thinking I said "find someone else to give it to me?" blush

She disappeared for about ten minutes but then did come back and administered the second jab in my arm.

I was horrified at how rude I'd been at the time but think its funny now.

CatIsSleepy Thu 04-Sep-08 10:00:41

having to hold my nose when I was pushing dd out
don't ask me why it just seemed to help

mankymummy Thu 04-Sep-08 09:57:24

the look on the window cleaners face outside the window as I was leaning over the bed with my knickers off and skirt round my waist having contractions !

mangolassi Thu 04-Sep-08 09:50:32

Highly medicalised birth in Thailand.

After epidural, can't feel anything at all, obstetrician says to push on three, dp is holding my hand, trying to concentrate cos I really can't feel anything.

Obs says 1, 2, 3

All the nurses - and there were about 6 of them, I kid you not - break into a high-pitched nnnnnggggggnnnnnnngggggggggng noise form various spots around the delivery room.

I hold it together for about 10 seconds before pmsl. Dp and my lovely western doula friend slightly giggly too.

Lots of narrowed eyes from the nurses as we should be taking this all more seriously. Apparently it was a very freaky ladylike pushing noise they were making

Repeat 3 times, after which I had to beg them for mercy tell them politely that I could push by myself, thanks all the same

pudding25 Thu 04-Sep-08 09:32:08

I was induced. When the mw inserted the first pessary, dh and I trying not to piss ourselves laughing as she looked like she was fisting me at high speed! (the 2nd pessary wasnt quite as funny).

DD's heart rate was all over the place. They had to get the registrars involved and one of them, a nice looking young dr, who was sticking sticks and god knows what else up my fanjo (had to take blod from dd's head before she was born) - well, when I heard his surname (unusual one) and I asked him if he was related to my friend - yup, her cousin.
If anyone had told me before the birth that friend's fit cousin ws going to to have his hands where the sun don't shine more times than dh, I would have run a mile!!! At the time, I was chatting away about my friend while he had his whole hand (and probably legs too) up my front bottom!

pigleychez Wed 03-Sep-08 19:42:29

Apparently I was telling the aneathatist off .. Say ouch.. do you mind! your hurting me!
Dh said she wasnt impressed.

Also seeing DHs face when given a pair of white wellybos to wear into theatre.. He soon realsied why he needed them![Blush]

And hearing him on the phone to people after the birth discribing it as "Carnage and a Bloodbath!" Yeah thanks for that !

FAQ Wed 03-Sep-08 12:26:24

me shouting at the top of my voice just as I was getting the urge to push, "I'm going to get piles".....

Unfortunately for me someone was just coming into the room as I said it and so the door was opened and my words floated down the corridor blush

kentDee Wed 03-Sep-08 12:24:51

Having been induced my contractions were coming fast and were so painful I rang for the midwife. she returned with paracatomol and i screamed 'I havent got a f**** headache' blush

LilRedWG Wed 03-Sep-08 11:34:20

He still claims that she looked like she had a pair of balls 'cause she was so swollen.

LilRedWG Wed 03-Sep-08 11:33:48

The surgeon holding DD up so that we could see what sex she was and DH saying, "It's a boy." I just smiled and saind, "No it's not - it's a girl! That's the umbilical cord."

Boobz Wed 03-Sep-08 11:28:00


moanylisa Fri 18-Jul-08 20:02:17

I had a home birth with dd2, and about 3 pushes from the end my then-FIL telephoned to ask for the postcode so he could send flowers. My Xp covered the receiver with his hand and asked if I could remember it..."Erm, I'm in the middle of something, can I have a think later dear?" Or words to that effect, But a bit ruder...

Butterflygirl7 Wed 16-Jul-08 11:02:29

Shouting out 'quick, something's exploded!' as my waters broke (just before the pushing stage-it hadn't ocurred to me throughout the rest of the labour that they hadn't gone)

My husband asking which way to put on the hospital gown and whether or not he needed to take his clothes off just before they wheeled me to theatre for a rapid ventouse delivery. Well it was our first baby and we were both clueless and distressed after a long labour.......!!

babyignoramus Tue 15-Jul-08 17:06:09

These are great - make me much less nervous!

No story myself yet but my sis was off her face on pethidine during birth. She alternated sleeping between contractions and talking utter crap - also spent half an hour asking about a woman screaming on the other side of the corridor 'how many is she f?*ing having?!' - eventually the midwife actually went and asked cos sis wouldn't let up. The one and only time she got away with swearing in front of my mum!

She also had to be introduced to her midwife on the way out of the hospital becasue she was so stoned during the birth she didn't remember her!

3am in the morning - I was walking around during contractions and DP decided that, been as the bed was free, he'd have a little nap shock

MW came in, examined and told me I was full dilated - I demanded gas and air (there's was no way I was going to do it with no drugs at all - I've paid my NI, I wanted free drugs). Midwife boomed at DP "Oi, Mr Tilly, wake up and get off the bloody bed, you're wife is about to have a baby". DP was fast asleep, jumped up suddenly, fell off the bed - full comedy style. I couldn't stop laughing

I pushed for 2 and half hours but was holding back (was paranoid about poo'ing myself blush). Midwifes were shouting at me "You're not pushing".. "I am fucking pushing"

solo Tue 15-Jul-08 10:31:55

Me too!!!

phoebebouffet Tue 15-Jul-08 00:52:41

Toomuch - I was expecting some kind of water and electricity don't mix type of story there!

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney Tue 15-Jul-08 00:04:43

i was in the birthing pool but got too hot so decided to get out and go back on the tens machine for a bit. Hubby was just linking me up when i doubled over with worst contraction yet and in his hurry to get the machine working managed to turn the dial ALL the way up and hit me with what felt like the electric charge of the entire town. I yelled louder and swore more at that point than at any time during my day and a bit labour.

I did get my revenge by getting him in a headlock as ds was crowning tho' grin

SilkCutMama Mon 14-Jul-08 23:31:41

Watching childbirth videos before and thinkning "Oh yes, that's how I'm going to do it. I will breathe my baby out"

Yeah right - deluded

solo Mon 14-Jul-08 23:29:43

jooly, I'm laughing hysterically at the net curtain blindness...LOL!!!

OFSTEDoutstanding Mon 14-Jul-08 20:03:28

blushOOPS I thought BF meant Best Friend (brain turned to mush through pregnancy emotion!)

MollyCherry Mon 14-Jul-08 16:27:54

Oh, also my MIL phoning my mum and telling her that her DS shouldn't be at the birth because he would be 'mentally damaged' by the experience!!!

MollyCherry Mon 14-Jul-08 16:26:18

My DH telling me to take the entonox tube out in between contraction and my reply..

"there is no f*ing in between!

youngbutnotdumb Mon 14-Jul-08 16:17:53

Just reading stories on here absolutely hysterical!!!

OFSTED- Did u say ur Boyfriend and Darling Husband? I havent seen that BF before LOL.

AuntyJ Mon 14-Jul-08 16:06:17

My dh switched on the telly while in labour with ds -I looked up after taking a good intake of gas and air and saw that the animals where talking at me.
'F**k me i'm hallucinating, the animals are talking to me' to which my husband replied -'thats because its Dr Dolittle!'
At which point I pmsl so hard my waters broke!

OFSTEDoutstanding Mon 14-Jul-08 14:28:03

When having ds I was in labour for 3 days and they wouldn't let me home as I had an infection. On day 1 1/2 I was told I had only reached 3cm dialated and my BF and DH sat up straight and said 'WHAT YOU ARE HAVING A FUCKING LAUGH!' at the top of their voices.
The first time the mw came into the room to do an examination she said 'Well done you only have one stretch mark' to which I sat bolt upright forgetting any pain I was in and said 'where get me a mirror I want to see' Apparantly DH had spotted it about 2 weeks before and was too scared to tell me.
When the anesthesist came into the room to do my epidural he was a lovely man who had just started working in our hospital after coming over from Poland. He asked me to tell him when I was having a construction and we were all like wtf so there I am on my bed ready for the needle shouting at the top of my voice 'I am having a construction' as I was too scared to call them contractions in case he didn't realise what I meant when he turned around and said Mrs X I am all the way over by the window how long do you think the needle is!
Although the funniest bit has to be when me and my BF went into surgery as they thought I was going to have an emergency cs they gave me 1 more push and I delivered my ds but as I was numbed from shoulder down I didn't realise he had been born so carried on with the conversation I was having with my friend when the Dr said 'Excuse me ladies he is here!'
It was the longest and most fun 3 days I have ever had, I am due in 6 weeks and hope this time will be just as fun if not a bit quicker!
Love the thread btw!

Joolyjoolyjoo Mon 14-Jul-08 00:52:48

What a funny thread! My funniest moments are:

With dd1- gently waking DH to tell him we needed to go to the hospital, and watching him run around like Basil Fawlty. He tried to get me to get into the car right away (I wasn't dressed) When I WAS dressed, he discovered that the car doors were frozen shut, cue more Basil Fawlty behaviour, and "you'll just need to get in the boot!"
Having finally defrosted the back door, and esconced on the back seat, in the throes of a major contraction, catch him looking at me in the mirror. " you think this might be it then?" Er, no, I've dragged you out here at 2am in freezing fog for a trial run, mate!! What do you think?!
During transition, trying to escape through the air vents, and trying to explain to DH through gritted teeth where I was going "Don't tell HER over there! I'm going through the vent!" "You're going WHERE?" "Shhhhh!"
After lots more G&A, telling the midwife I loved her, she was like my Auntie blush

With dd2, funniest moment was in the pool, contractions coming thick and fast. I'm sucking down the G&A, trying to be brave. DH is looking at me closely. I think he must be thinking about the pain I am in, and how well I am coping. He says " You should see your hair- it's gone all Monica!" and carcs himself laughing.
After yet more of the lovely G&A, the mw closes the net curtain, and I believe I have gone blind and start shouting such to everyone in a wild panic. They all start to panic, just as I realise my mistake, only now I can't speak for laughing. I still don't understand why they didn't see the funny side!
Also with dd2, I had seen fit to write an amusing birth plan, citing George Clooney as my preffered birth partner, so lots of random mw's came to laugh at me and ask me where George was.

With ds (third and final!) my highlight was deciding I had had enough just as the head crowned, and NOTHING would persuade me otherwise. "I AM NOT DOING IT ANYMORE, OK?" "But you have to, honey" "YOU DO IT THEN, IF YOU'RE SO SMART! I'VE DONE IT BLOODY TWICE ALREADY, AND I AM NOT DOING IT ANY MORE. SUE ME!" Don't you hate the way you're freedom to choose gets disregarded?

puffylovett Mon 14-Jul-08 00:45:03

DP clearing up the bits of poo i was dropping all over the delivery room floor blush

PinkTulips Mon 14-Jul-08 00:23:10

also with ds.... myself and the student MW having hysterics laughing at the woman across the hall. she was screaming and roaring as if she was being murdered for hours which we were finding amusing enough when we suddenly heard the MW who was in there shout 'oh for god's sake push woman!'

probably shouldn't laugh but i was on the same ward as here later and my god she was annoying and deserved it!

PinkTulips Mon 14-Jul-08 00:01:14

with dd...... the deranged stray cat who'd moved in during my pregnancy lying on my chest while i was having contractions every 2 mins and periodically swatting me in the face when i dared to move grin

with ds...... after they broke my waters every time i contracted i gushed about 2 litres of fluid onto the floor, the student mw had to follow me around with a mop grin

MsPontipine Sun 13-Jul-08 23:51:36

"At my sisters birth her DS was breech, so a consultant was called into the room. She'd just been given Pethidine and as he peered up her fanjo she looked down and said is that your face or a mirror? I cried with laughter as the doctor really did have a 'bum face'. Have you seen the south park with the boy with an arse for a head? We were both crying hysterically and couldn't stop. they must have thought we were psychos."

Tears are pouring!!!!!

nik76 Sun 13-Jul-08 09:15:05

Dh face when we had no petrol in the car on the way to hospital!!

lenny101 Fri 11-Jul-08 21:34:28

I love this thread, humour in adversity! Fanjo cracks me up too m2t.

Haven't had time to read all but will do over next day or so...

on penultimate push I scream "get it out of me.." with venom beyond belief.. Midwife says, "he's not quite ready..." I with utter mild and meakness say "oh, ok we'll wait a bit then".

mummy2t Fri 11-Jul-08 21:25:19

walking into the delivery room with my ok magazine,( thought i have time to read it ) only to be told i was 10cm, 5 mins and 2 pushed later ds2 was here.
ps i love the way you all call it 'fanjo'

whitebeachesandcoconutoil Tue 08-Jul-08 20:53:37

my husband decided to brush my hairhmm i had asked him for a wet flannel across my forehead to cool me down and he did that fine but then he got the hairbrush out and started brushing my hair -this all whilst pushing -i said what are you doing he said just tying to make your hair nicehmm it was very stressful in the end he actually hid behind a newspaper cos it got quite hairy in the end but even now i giggle at his jack dee moment.

eilidhfi Fri 04-Jul-08 16:23:15

There are some brilliant stories on here!

My DP spent the day that I was in labour at home playing Mario Karts and occasionally giving me a hand to hold between races hmm

When we were at the hospital I spent a good few hours thinking about Emmerdale Farm while having very regular contractions. I don't even watch Emmerdale...

theressomethingaboutmarie Fri 04-Jul-08 13:05:26

Ha ha - what a wonderful thread. On the way to the hospital for the birth of DD, I told my husband (apparently!), that my code word for "give me drugs" was "lovecats" (I don't know why either.

Apparently, during labour, I had a right old go at him (when it was too late to take anything else apart from g&a) for making me forget the code word. Something along the lines of, "you silly bastard".

Also, when the lovely MW was stitching my fandango, she stitched a bit where the anasthetic hadn't reached resulting in quite the yelp from me. Halfway through her doing the stitches, I got my revenge. Despite desperately trying to hold it in, I advised her that I was about to blow off and did so right in her face blush.

When we got the hospital, my contractions were about 2 mins apart. DH suggested that he drop me off at reception and he would go and park. I did not like this idea at all and so spent 10 mins getting across the car park leaning on cars, walls, bollards etc as I was having contractions. I got into the reception, frantically looked around apparently and saw a wall-mounted phone. I suspect it's no longer wall mounted as I grabbed it and roared with my contraction putting all of my weight on it. It's amazing how quickly a porter arrives when such a thing happens.... grin

JOSIEPECK Thu 03-Jul-08 10:15:10

I had a very quick labour and after lying on the bed for about 5 minutes I had to shout to my husband and the midwife that the baby's head was out!! The midwife freaked as she was just washing her hands...while the hubbie was struggling to put my case up on the windowsill....when I got their attention I then shouted "ohhh noooo...its away back in again..." Of course it WASNT.....but it felt like it was at the was born a push and a half later!!!!

Tas1 Sun 22-Jun-08 16:30:17

I was in labour with DD4 (Home Birth). I was swaying from side to side and breathing through the contractions and the two midwives were sitting on the floor watching the 'Vicar of Dibley' with my DH running up and down the stairs bringing them cups of tea!!

KitKins Sat 21-Jun-08 23:28:36

The first time I remember
1) The logical thoughts that went through my head: Oooh, that was a rather loud scream, oh it was me!! and Ah, DH looks really scared, bless!
2) Whacking my head on the bed because it hurt.
3) Throwing the gas and air at the midwife because it wasn't working!
4) Sucking dd back in because it hurt too much!! Yes, I realise now that was stupid!!

Second time around I remember arriving at the hospital in the dead of night, my waters broke as i got out of the car. By the time I got to the delivery suite I was desperate to push. DH told them this over the intercom and no-one was really bothered until he yelled, '2nd baby, 2nd baby!' Boy did they leap into action then!! Ds was born few minutes later! blush

Now find the whole thing funny, but at the time, well, scary!!

nbee84 Sat 21-Jun-08 23:02:09


Rocky12 Thu 19-Jun-08 14:52:37

Arriving at the hospital at midnight to find it locked and the security guard with his head on the table fast asleep. After some knocking he let us in and then pretended that he had only been reaching down to pick up something from the floor......

Being asked by the midwife to stop screaming as it was scaring the other women in the ward.
This was mid push and I apparently shouted 'it's fucking worse than you can ever imagine, you'll see, you cows' blush DH burst out laughing, as did I, I then took a huge gasp of G&A and shouted 'I'm dead street me, don't mess with me' and the midwife looked horrified. This is so out of character it's untrue.

Then the midwife asked for clothes for the baby and DH rooted through the three massive and totally untouched bags we'd brought, full of crap like face spray, mp3 player, energy sweets, slippers and books, ffs, books! To find we'd not even brought the bag of baby things.

At my sisters birth her DS was breech, so a consultant was called into the room. She'd just been given Pethidine and as he peered up her fanjo she looked down and said is that your face or a mirror? I cried with laughter as the doctor really did have a 'bum face'. Have you seen the south park with the boy with an arse for a head? We were both crying hysterically and couldn't stop. they must have thought we were psychos.

sarahmsqt Thu 12-Jun-08 22:17:41

In middle of labour asked hubby for a pot noodle NOW, then demanded he pick out ALL the peas, then ignored it and ate HIS sandwich instead! (he hates pot noodles and normally so do I)

MissLiss Thu 12-Jun-08 21:14:23

With DS2 I was whisked into theatre having pushed very stuck baby for two hours and was met by - well, very attractive anaesthetist who was clearly having a major flirt with the nurse behind my head. He asked her to "give this a squeeze", and then swiftly jumped up in the air saying "the gel tube, not my arse!" Well, it made me laugh and took my mind off things for a moment anyway.

mollysawally Thu 12-Jun-08 19:23:22

Told MW that I needed to go toilet, she said no, thats the baby's head, I said NO .. I REALLY need to go toilet. She didn't belive me till 5 mins later and the evidence was there for everyone to see..never been so embarrased!

In theatre, dp was dressed in scrubs,(I missed him geting changed as was so tired and in so much pain,) I thought he was a doctor, when she sat down next to me, I remember thinking haven't you got a job to do, shouldn't you be doing somethng? When he held my hand I snatched it back! Wasn't till he spoke I realised who he was!

Surgeon introduced himself and I grabbed his hand, in between contractions, and begged him .. NO MORE PAIN, PLEASE NO MORE PAIN! I didn't realise I should have been saying this to the antheseloigist (sp). The doctor looked mortified!

SheSellsSanctury Thu 12-Jun-08 18:05:58

Looking back now I suppose it was quite funny that during my 12 hour labour with DS my DH complained, in all seriousness, that his feet were hurting as he had been standing up for so long!
Strangely enough could not see the funny side at the time!

I love this thread!

TettyLouBar Thu 12-Jun-08 16:32:40

You guys have had me in tears laughing, this is the greatest thread to read just before childbirth! Hilarious! grin

solo Thu 12-Jun-08 15:05:38


vacaloca Thu 12-Jun-08 13:30:39

I was drinking water from a sports bottle all throughout the labour. While I was having my stitches done, with my eyes closed, I asked someone to pass me some water. A new midwife had come into the room and passed me a glass of water, but because I had my eyes closed, I assumed it was the bottle and just tipped it right over my face. It was freezing cold and it certainly woke me up from the g&a stupor. Luckily I found this hilarious but the mw was mortified.

flossie64 Thu 12-Jun-08 13:19:20

The funniest bit was when my midwife said to my husband ," you live in * don't you" and he went very pale.
I asked when she left the room what that was about and he had to admit she was an ex gf . I still wind him up about it now grin

TheUnsinkableMB Thu 12-Jun-08 13:08:13

Me after trying g&a for the first time "This is rubbish, its not working" half an hour later you couldn't have prised it out of my hands!

Goober Thu 12-Jun-08 12:41:59

The trainee DR who stood too close in order to see everything got soaked, head to toe when my waters bloke.

I also did many toxic farts.

Bit a midwifes hand as my DH was to busy blubbing to see me reach out to him, the midwife gave me her hand to hold and I didn't want it!

fryalot Thu 12-Jun-08 12:33:50

The look I gave the (male) trainee doctor when he told me that he knew exactly how I felt.

Dd1's head was out, after being dragged out with forceps, the rest of her body still inside and he told me he knew what I was going through.


CatharsisItIs Thu 12-Jun-08 12:26:51

Whispering to one birth supporter whilst on the verge of tears "Oh, ***, I've shit in the bath."

Her trying to reassure and placate me saying "It's fine love, it's alright, it happens..." whilst gesturing subtly to another friend for loo roll to remove offending object.

....and me, raising above the edge of the bath, nose to nose with her then screaming mid contraction "No it isn't!! It's faaahking disguuuuustiiiing!!"

At the top of my voice.

Daft thing is, it really was a minute amount and given that I gave birth mere minutes after, If I hadn't bellowed about it no one would have been any the wiser.... as it was, not only everyone in the house but half my street heard! grin

sorry that was meant to read "no - I want DRUGS" not "no drugs"

After 20 hours of labour with DS1 finally gave in and asked the midwife "what can I have" and she said "I can make you a nice cup of tea or some toast" and me screaming "no DRUGS" - DH giggled at this having never seen me like that!

solo Thu 12-Jun-08 11:58:44

Oh, another onegrin
I was birthing partner for one of my best friends as her Dh was squeamish. It was December and quite mild outside, but the birthing suites heating was on very high, no windows open, me in winter clothes...very, very hot...pass out almost landing face first in her fanjo...blush

solo Thu 12-Jun-08 11:55:33

When having Ds, I was intending to have him in a water pool, but he got stuck, so I had to go into theatre. Lying on the bed by the door loudly saying " Nooo, Nooo, Nooo" repeatedly. MW says " solo, why do you keep saying 'nooo'"? say's me..." Because it's the politest thing I can think of...Nooo"
Also, in same position by door, no clothes or covers on, legs wide open(always gets me into troublehmm), someone opens the door just as some visitors to another new mummy are walking past. Of course, they did have to have a look!blush

With Dd. Dp was lovely and making me laugh etc, blowing up surgical gloves and batting them around the room. He then decides to bounce the birthing ball, over and over again. I'm having massive contractions at this point and MW is refusing to let me get into the pool because she is trying to get a trace beforehand! I say to Dp in a very stern voice " Will you stop bouncing that bloody ball". He did.
Once in the pool, a second midwife decides to tell me that I'll feel like I need a big poo...hmmso...the G&A is obviously causing me some weirdy reactions because then all I can say is " I need a poo" over and over. Then, just as Dd's head is about to be born and I'm between contractions, I say jokingly " I just had the words 'give me an epidural' run through my mind". MW says, " Well, I'm glad they kept running..."
Was all very funny really.grin

MarsLady Mon 07-Apr-08 13:02:23

I found Thomcat's vaulting into the birthing pool the funniest thing.

I was at another birth where the mum really quietly and politely said "I want a f*cking epidural now please"! Well... it made me laugh!

ingles2 Sun 06-Apr-08 23:16:28

dh can't stand the sight of blood or needles bless him, needless to say I ended up having an epidural...I told him to leave, anathestist told him to leave,..dh, trying to be the big man (he is,...very...6'5) he stayed. in went the needle,..out went dh, literally,...toppled like a skittle and crashed to the floor,..there's me trying not to laugh (nerves I think) anathetist(no idea how to spell it btw) swearing like a trooper..graps hold of dh by the foot, muttering fucking dh etc drags him out of the room!
birth of ds2,...dh decides we're going at the very last minute in the hope of avoiding another epidural...was given oxytocin pessary and came home. In and out of labour ward nothing much happening so by morning I'm only a couple of centimetres...go home again. by afternoon, I say time to go back to hospital.No says dh, can't be time yet, I'll just make some pasta..right...1 hour later...dh time to go...nooooo, not yet, I'll just have a shower....1/2 hour later....dh...I NEED to go to the hospital...Noooooooo, he goes, lets go for a walk...I get outside.. turn to dh and at the the top of my voice shout TAKE ME TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL NOW YOU IDIOT!!!! everyone,and I mean everyone in the street came out to see me sweating like a pig on my hands and knees trying to get into the car...

chaoskay Sun 06-Apr-08 22:57:49

After having been in labour for about 4 hours, the MW said 'Well, you'll get to see your baby at the end of this at least' - I remember thinking 'Oh yes, I'd forgotten about that'. I was just too busy working my way through my contractions and had genuinely forgotten why I was there.

itsazoohere Sat 05-Apr-08 21:15:51

Whilst under influence of gas and air with dd1 having to desperately bite my tongue to stop myself saying "So I suppose a f*ck's out of the question?" to GEORGEOUS aneathsatist blush. Not in my character at all, I swear!

ChirpyGirl Sat 05-Apr-08 20:35:25

With DD2, an hour after discovering I had gone from 3-7cm in 2 hours, I started telling the MW i needed to push, so, without even looking, she said
'No you don't, don't be silly you'll wear yourself out'
At which point I turned to DH and announced that I wasn't talking to her anymore, as she was a bitch.
I pushed anyway and burst my waters

MW - As you've probably realised your waters have just broken
Me - No f*cking shit, Sherlock

She handed me over to another MW about 5 minutes later grin

Then I was giving DD2 skin to skin and feeding her off left breast the (new) MW suggested I swap sides as my arm had gone to sleep, at which point we lifted the towel to discover my boob, side and legs on that side completely covered in meconium...and it's a bugger to get off!

am embarassed to even write this but....somwhere around 5cm, was heavy on gas and air and initiated bizarre conversations with the midwife. the most bizarre was after telling me he had two dogs and they were like his children, i responded 'oh yeah, well did you have to shoot your children out your ass like I am about to do'?? (reference to the fact that there was a lot of pressure on my um, bottom). unbelievable. dh was mortified and i had to apologize profusely after the whole thing was over!

HeadFairy Fri 04-Apr-08 23:07:06

for some reason, dh managed to take his phone in to the theatre for my cs, as they were making the first incision he got a text from my sister saying "hurry up my dd wants to buy a card but we don't know what type to get yet"

Dh was told to turn his phone off, by an anaesthetist who was texting all the way through the cs.

rosealbie Fri 04-Apr-08 22:50:36

with my second birth, an elective c-section I had walked down from the maternity ward to the labour ward to wait for dh.

When he arrived and asked where I was he was directed to a room with someone in labour with the name christian name as me. He hurridly apologised and left only for the labour ward staff to do the same thing when my parents arrived!

Poor woman, I felt so sorry for her having complete strangers keep walking in on her.

Miggsie Fri 04-Apr-08 22:23:20

...midwife told me I might as well go on using gas and air while I had my "down below" stitches done as the local anasthetic might not do the whole job. It took the poor obstetrician 30 minutes as it was a big tear and instead of taking the occasional breath of gas and air I breathed it in continuously during this time.
I was off my face by the end and my tongue was so numb I could only say "bluh bluh".
DDs first sight of her mother was me drooling and saying "duh duh blugh duh".

DH then got me a cup of tea and I threw it back up over him...

Pavlovthecat Fri 04-Apr-08 22:19:04

not read the whole thread as very long!

'stopping' for tea and toast about hour before final labour and delivery. Very proper and gentile like, conversing with the midwive and my hubby and doula. Then it was like, ok chaps, lets be getting on with it!

Thomcat Fri 04-Apr-08 22:17:17

Beans man - text me, lost your number when I got my new i-phone grin Seriously text me. And LOL, yes I was on this thread with my "funny" moment blush

beansontoast Fri 04-Apr-08 20:52:09

have only kinda skim read random posts.....but i doo love this kind of thread...thomcat you must be on here soemhwere non ?

second time round...lovely quick labour and easy peasy actual delivery.

me..delirious high as a kite on happy hormones...banging on about how great it was and how fab that i DIDNT POO LIKE LAST TIME'...blah blah and i ''didnt poo like last time''...yeah yeah its a girl blah blah ''and i dint poo like last time''.

eventually got up to 'freshen up'...and my mum and dp pulled ughky faces as teh truth of it dawned on us all.

i then stood like a toddler in teh shower as dp dabbed at me with a flannel.

Smithagain Fri 04-Apr-08 20:37:11

Funniest thing - that the MW refused to believe that I was really in labour and didn't bother to change out of her rather pretty flowery skirt and top before coming to assist me. 45 min labour. Very messy MW!

halogen Fri 04-Apr-08 20:27:13

I'd been pushing for what seemed like forever and I'd just had enough. I turned round to DP and said 'I'm sorry, I really don't think this is going to work, we'd better go home'. Approx five minutes later, I had a daughter. To DP's credit, he was totally calm about it and just said 'I don't think that's an option at the moment'.

FoggyDays Wed 26-Mar-08 16:22:56

These are so funny!
In transition with dd2, much to my MW's horror, I suddenly got up and demanded my clothes back, MW tried to explain that I couldn't have the baby with my knickers on, to which my reply was ''ffs I am not having this baby - I remember how much it hurts! I am going home! I don't want a baby now! It's staying where it is, I'll come back another day - if I feel like it!'' After this the MW decided I ought to have some G&A, so I spent the rest of the birth muttering incomprehensibly under my breath and sleeping in-between contractions.

Also, whilst dd2 was in the canal the very polite MW swore. I looked up at her in shock, only to see that she was covered in blood! There was blood splattered everywhere! On all four walls, the floor was soaked, as was the MW (it was even in her mouth and eyes, not just her hair!) I had literally exploded blood during a very strong contraction! I know I should have found it frightening but I couldn't stop laughing! At the time I thought it was hilarious!

phlossie Wed 26-Mar-08 15:09:27

This thread has made me laugh so much.
With dc1 I swore with every contraction, and when pushing shouted 'My fucking arsehole is inside out' (it felt like that, to be fair).
With dc2 jumping around the room like a baboon shouting 'I need to push' and scaring the bejesus out of a med student - it was only her second ever delivery and the midwife had gone off to fill the pool for me (too late).

littledee Wed 26-Mar-08 04:00:28

Have been howling with laughter - I'm due in about 6 weeks and have a pain in my bump I've been laughing so much! Gas and air is the way to go, obviously! Still nervous as hell, mind...

AnnasBananas Sun 23-Mar-08 13:49:47

After DS was born (in Germany) legs in stirrups while (dishy) consultant peering at the train wreck that used to be my fanny, he popped out and came back with another doctor. So both of them mutter, mutter muttering to each other about my tear (I only have high school german to rely on) I can hardly follow the conversation when I hear the word 'SPHINCTER' clear as crystal. I just about snapped off DH's fingers I was so worried that my fanny and arse were now ONE. Thankfully the tear wasn't 3rd degree.

Arriving to the same hospital two years later in labour with DD2 kindly midwife handing me a stress-ball for pain relief. I said to DH 'She knows what she can do with that f**king stress-ball', she glared at me very sternly over the top of her clip board. Oops, had forgotten that vast majority of Germans speak perfect english!

Can't blame any of this on G&A as it's not available in Germany, it's not licenced for use and is thought to be unsafe. I have to conceed that they are probably right...not for mother and baby but for the long-suffering maternity staff!!

TheWiltedRose Fri 21-Mar-08 15:16:50

hehe Only recently found this...


this has to be the only thread i've read again and again - it is the funniest thing since this thread! grin

mumofk Mon 17-Mar-08 23:03:22

I've got this thread on watch so I can find it when I go overdue and laugh myself/PMSL into labour!

Mungarra Mon 17-Mar-08 19:36:01

I had some Kit Kats in my hospital bag for after the birth. DH gave me one with the foil wrapper around the bottom of the wafer so that I wouldn't get chocolate on my fingers. I'd just had a baby, was going to have stiches, bleeding etc and he thought I'd care about getting messy fingers!

madamez Mon 17-Mar-08 00:07:08

Tripping my tits off on the gas and air, I started wittering about the Truth about Why the children sing in the woods (most of my g&a tripping centred on bizarre delusions about my old primary school for some reason). Icould definitely hear children's voices (woooooo!) Then the midwife or maybe my friend saying, it's not hallucinations it's those kids under the window SHUT UP YOU LITTLE SHITS - apparently the local schoolkids liked to hang about outside the labour ward and yowl back as the shrieks emerged from the windows... I also went in for a lot of cod-operatic singing during the early stages, and one of the MWs said it was freaking the other patients. My response was that I'd had to listen to enough other people's shrieks and howls the night before and they could farking lump it.

crimplene Sun 24-Feb-08 10:35:49

pmsl at this thread!

I had a home birth, but a whopping PPH and had to be transferred in after. The ambulance arrived with two strapping blokes they took a look at me (I had put on a few, ahem, stone) and scrambled another ambulance to get another two strapping blokes to actually lift me blush In my defence, there is a long flight of steps and they had to lift me flat to keep enough blood going to my brain. XP used to tell everyone how funny it was.

Having planned a home birth and being a bit of a skinflint and an eco-warrior I didn't go out and buy any nighties and didn't pack a bag either. During labour I'd worn an abaya (black islamic cover-up) that I use as a dressing gown since bringing it back from holiday so that's what I went in wearing. My auntie had sent a present from New Zealand which was a little newborn babygro in designed like an All Blacks rugby shirt and I happily put this on DS on his first morning. A friend who's a MW there said that the gossip amongst the staff had been that I was a satanist as both me and DS were dressed entirely in black plus I was weird enough to have a home birth and the deathly pallor after the PPH just completed the look grin

Libra Sat 23-Feb-08 12:53:33

Hysterically funny thread.

I was admitted to hospital when a heart problem just before DS1's birth. Was in the heart ward with lots of old ladies.

Round came the consultant with his student doctors. Asked them to tell him what the problem with me was.

Cue lots of muttering about hearts and valves and needing to monitor the situation.
'Anything else?' he enquires.
No, no, they mutter.
'Shall we ask the lady?' he says, turning to me.
'I'm in labour, you morons' I snarl.
Cue a panicked entourage of student doctors pushing my bed over to the maternity unit.

edam Sat 23-Feb-08 11:59:21

Oh, and no-one had told me that when your waters go they might just keep going for ages. So there was I, frantically trying to clean the carpet in our bedroom while constantly leaking... one of the most pointless things I have ever done. Especially as it turns out amniotic fluid doesn't stain or smell - at least not on our carpet, it didn't.

edam Sat 23-Feb-08 11:55:53

Every single member of staff coming up to tell me 'well done' on my way out of the ward. I thought they were all very lovely. Until dh, sniggering, told me later I had shouted 'FUCK!' at the top of my voice continuously throughout labour. I had no idea. Think everyone in the bloody hospital wanted to see the mad sweary lady. blush

thinner Sat 23-Feb-08 11:49:13

Being woken from emerg CS, and saying to nurse. "Is this Holby City? Things like this always happen on Holby City". To this day I swear blind I was in Holby.

PearTart Fri 22-Feb-08 23:14:07

After DD was born, the midwife mopped up the various body fluids with some paper towels and said "Well that wasn't so bad" and gave the paper towels a quick squeeze...
producing a fountain of pink body fluid all over her arms face and uniform!

(Am crying with laughter at this thread)

workstostaysane Fri 22-Feb-08 20:46:49

i LOVE this thread...

seasidemama Fri 22-Feb-08 12:27:09

After 60 odd hours of ineffectual contractions finally agreeing to an induction only to then refuse to let the MW put the drip in, insisting my birth partner should do it instead because "they are good with computers" hmm

DayOfRest Fri 22-Feb-08 12:15:13

ummm... when the mw asked dh to remove my piercing! blush

(i removed it myself between contractions in the end)

i wish they'd told me at the beginning though as I was bearing down at the time.

IndigoMoon Fri 22-Feb-08 10:19:56

what a fab thread

with dd - they had put me on a ward and told me i was not in labour. at 6am after considering biting the metal bed stead to counteract the pain of my contractions I called the midwife on call on the ward. she came in and I told her i needed drugs and I did not give a damm if i was not in labour! she offered me paracetomol!!! at which point i told her that was not going to cut it!! then i went into another contraction and she realised i was not messing about, examined me and found i was 5cm!!!!

when i was finally giving birth to her with my mom and dh in the room!!! her head crowned and my mom shouted very loudly - oh my god the head is all folded!!! at which point the midwife said yes yes thats normal!

with ds i had a homebirth - i watched sx and the city at the start of my labour and then the music channels but got annoyed at eminem so asked dh to put some music on and he picked hard days night by the beatles!!!!!!!

my mom arrived and i told her to shut up cos she was talking to loud. i also stood in the middle of the room and cried and cried though i could not explain whu - i think it was hormones.

then half way through i said i was hungry and demanded tea and toast which i ate between contractions much to the shock of the m/w

i then demanded that the m/w break my waters - i knew it needed to be done! i told them all very confidently that the bag was strong and thick and would not break on its own and therefore i needed it to be broken. in the end they agreed and after finally having them broken the midwife was very shocked and agreed that it was very tough!!!

i gave birth in the living room wearing a big white voluminous blouse and the midwife commented " I cannot believe she has given birth in her bra"

the best thought was having visitors within hours and pointed to the exact spot - right by the fireplace where it has all taken place.

wolveschick Sat 16-Feb-08 22:14:53

Barking mad doctor wandering into delivery suite when I was about 8cm dilated saying 'oh, you're the one who is having a boy' and me asking 'what can she see up there' in bemused voice. DD1 born an hour or 2 later.

DH eating a dairy milk chocolate ice cream whilst I was bent over a sick bag for an hour on the hottest day of the year cos I had had too much gas and air. The midwife had given him the ice cream as she was leaving to go on maternity leave that day and I was too polite to push against her for fear of hurting a pregnant woman.

With DD2 asking 'is that the baby' when I heard a cry. 'No it's a bloody cat' says DH. When told it was a much wanted DD I asked 'are you sure' to which Dh remarked, 'I think the doctor may be able to tell the difference, he is a doctor'.

People have funny memories of being in labour? Wow.
Not that I will be having any more to see if I can see the funny side smile

TrinityRhino Sat 16-Feb-08 22:00:50

after trying the gas and air for the first time(having been warned its like being really drunk) totally high on it


MW and dh in hysterics
and then later on when I was brandishing the gas and air thingy at dh and shouting
'You have some, its great!!'
he was saying 'no, its all right, you have it'
I was shouting' you must be reeeeeaaallly bored, go ooon try it'

Maidamess Sat 16-Feb-08 21:59:15

In the delivery room,my dh was on his knees, helping me clamber into my elephant sized pants and with an audible 'pop!' my waters broke all over his trousers, and the floor.

chiefcookandbottlewasher Sat 16-Feb-08 21:57:32

oh, and having removed my tens machine and started on gas and air, turning round to see where dh was and finding that he was already wearing the tens and fiddling round with the buttons to try and stop his back aching. He even had the midwife helping him to stick the pads on with surgical tape!! Didn't go down well needless to say...

mumofdjandp Sat 16-Feb-08 21:53:48

After 50odd hours of labour, reaching 10cm and baby getting stuck I had to go for an emergency section

As instructed I was leaning forward sitting for my spinal on the edge of the theatre bed with the anaesthetist (sp?) saying "keep still. You must keep still. Kepp still. Can you keep still."

I really was trying so just started weeping , was knackered and in agony and whispered I AM TRYING TO BE A GOOD GIRL.

The poor guy was like oh honey I know you are! Youre doing great! And stayed the full time and even came to see me in the ward.

I think I made him feel terrible blush

chiefcookandbottlewasher Sat 16-Feb-08 21:53:16

going into theatre and having a spinal block so they needed to drain my bladder. Think hte gas and air had convinced me i was a comedian cos when i saw how much was coming out i said 'ooh i'm like hte co-op horse!' The look of embarassment on my husbands face is a memory i'll treasure forever!

LOVEMYMUM Sat 16-Feb-08 21:44:17

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this thread.

DH is scared i'll go into labour cos i'm laughing so hard.

Thank you all for your stories.

goingbonkers Sat 16-Feb-08 20:36:47

Oh Kizzib - congratulations!! Did you have a boy or girl?? Well done you!

I'd love to work on a labour ward! I told my midwife they should keep a book of amusing things women do / say in labour if they don't already.

goingbonkers Sat 16-Feb-08 20:26:55

annieapple7 - that's hillarious!! Major Lol!! Can relate to that tho as all my pain was in my back and 'poo chute'. I kept insisting I needed to poo and the MW insisted I didn't. I was so nervous of pooing while giving birth but turns out she was right - DD was pressing on the back passage!! (It still amuses me how you become so talkative about your bowels with a complete stranger!!)

My dd's birth brought out the polite englishness in me!

On the gas & air and pethidine; they were trying to get a drip in to me but my veins weren't playing so i had loads of cotton wool balls taped over the punctures in both my hands & wrists. I'd gone into a crazy world in my head and wen I came back to planet labour ward i said (in a pathetic high squeaky voice) "Oh, it's snowing"

Well it was a christmas birth!!

And lastly - my friend, now preg with 1st baby was asking labour q's. She was highly amused when she asked if it's really embarrassing going for a stretch and sweep at 40+ wks and I said "I went in to the MW's room with my pants and trousers already round my ankles and told her to give it some!!" I think by that time you are past caring!!

kizzib Sat 16-Feb-08 07:10:01


Well, I had my baby on Wednesday morning just there and none of the pain relief options were working properly.

Doc sked me what I wanted him to do, (he was considering forceps and poss CS and needed my permission). DH and my mum insist that I told him to "pull her out by her f*cking ears" but I don't remember! blush

Also, they tell me I kept calling the doctor "mr Tardis" (yes I am a Doctor Who fan!) blush

And I told the doctor I loved him when I got my spinal block. Pure bliss!

dizzydixies Mon 11-Feb-08 22:22:24

these are brilliant!!! well done ladies. here's my offerings

dd1 - went in to be induced and they set me off. couple of paracetamol and tens machine but said to mw - am sorry to bother you but am getting a bit uncomfortable, so while she tells me to hop up onto bed my waters break in massive gush everywhere and keep going forever - I stood there crying over poor auxiliary who was trying to clean it up begging her to give me the mop as 'I'm normally so houseproud'?!?

gave me gas and air and told me was being moved to delivery suite - I refused to go as gad and air attached to wall, fought with them like a junkie until they bribed me by telling me stuff in delivery suite was much better and they would run inbetween contractions to get me there - very obliging

dh arrived, I dutifully inform him am sorry but I've had too much to drink and smoked one too many joints and could they turn the lights down as am trying to dance in the students union?!?

labour goes on for hours and chief/head/big wig consultant eventually comes in to see me during countdown at 4pm - I tell him to politely go away as have got the best score ever and am going to show that smug cow carol how its done

was told epidural couldn't be imminent as anethasist was going off shift - told them to bring her to me or would send the f*cking police to drag her back from house - I work in the police control room but even I'm not so sure one of the cops would have done that for me!!!

eventually taken into theatre with trauma team etc - someone comes in from shouting about some woman next door who is having a cardiac arrest. I duely announce - tough shite, I've been here longer someone f*cking finish me off

10lb4 dd eventually delivered and handed to dh as I was still shaking puking etc and needed hrs of stitching. He's sits holding her and after 10 minutes announces 'god she's heavy - my arms hurt'
I swear I love my dh but if I had one ounce of energy left in my body I would have got up off the bed and killed him for that comment!!!

kizzib Mon 11-Feb-08 12:24:24

oh and whenever my sister gets on my nerves, I love to remind her that she was born on a sh*t covered bed...

kizzib Mon 11-Feb-08 12:21:03

I'm not due to give birth until next week so these stories are my mums from when she had us more than 25 years ago.

DD1 (me): forcep delivery, back to back baby, extremely painful. Afterwards she was stitched by a black man who ate an orange the entire time shock and took his time admiring his work "mmmm, very nice..."

DD2 (my sis): very quick birth in comparison. she didn't believe she was really in labour due to the pain she'd had with me. They said "very soon" but she reckoned she still had time for something to eat so stopped the food trolley for bangers and mash. 20 minutes later - projectile vomiting and the other thing too...poor midwife was almost in tears due to the mess all over the bed. Doctor poked his head around the curtain "is it safe yet?" Sister was born 15 minutes later.

Oh yeah and my sister was a big girl (10lbs), and totally bald. My gran's first words upon seeing her: "you've given birth to a bloody football"

My sis is now a skinny size 8.

auntyspan Mon 11-Feb-08 10:55:34

I realised that having a wee whilst contracting really helped.

made a bit of a mess though wink

spinspinsugar Mon 11-Feb-08 10:47:05

Projectiling on the mw who thought a kidney dish was an appropriate vessel to puke into (over). She later called me a lightweight because I didn't wish to inspect DS's placenta - "I don't wanna puke again" shut her up pretty quickly <evil>.

Carey87 Mon 11-Feb-08 10:39:10

This is making me feel so much better about labour! Thank you xx

Thomcat Fri 25-Jan-08 14:39:05

LOL, ringing the station would have been such a better idea! It just seemed easier at the time to run out and bring him back. The fact I was in nightgown and flip flops and it was Monday morning rush our at a London Underground tube station and I wasn't wearing knickers and my waters were breaking didn't really seem to effect my decision! blush

babylove21 Fri 25-Jan-08 12:20:10

After delivery i must have dozed off waiting to be stitched.
I woke, my legs in stirrups put my hands down my side and the lower half of the bed had vanished, i really did actually think i was floating, the next time i woke up ( still in stirrups) a little head with jet black hair and square black glasses smiled up at me from down below - i was being stitched, he was on one of those hairdressers wheely stools.
I guess i must have had a lot of gas and air lol.

Charliesmomuk Fri 25-Jan-08 11:06:00

Lying in styrrups after the birth of DD1 and listening to the midwife complimenting the doctor on the nice job she was doing of stitching my bits back up.. and the docs reply,
'thankyou, my hobby IS cross-stitch'!!!!!

I had visions of finding a cute teddy stitched int my bits!!!:O


notalone Thu 24-Jan-08 22:55:29

ROFL thomcat - that along with the "I am going shopping with my handbag and wearing just my bra" lady are easily the funniest so far grin

I am so loving this thread. A definite classic in the making me thinks

thomcat - ROFL! Did it not occur to you to ring the station? grin

ThreeBluecubs Thu 24-Jan-08 22:28:19

Realising, to my horror, that I had given birth to DS2 naked except for a pair of socks shock

silkcushion Thu 24-Jan-08 21:15:20

I was keeping upright during labour in hospital but decided to climb up on to the bed for a rest. Had my first suck of gas and air which made me a bit giggly, put the nozzle on the bed and nearly sat on it. Dh said "watch out". I replied " don't worry I know it should be taken orally not vaginally" then pissed myself with laughter cos I thought I was so funny. blush DH was like hmm

Thomcat Thu 24-Jan-08 21:12:01

My waters were breaking, slowly and my DP had just left for work and wasn't answering his phone. DD2 was standing next to me pointing at me as I stradaled a tub of dirty washing, waters leaking, phone in hand and was saying 'ohh looook, mummy we wee, loooook'.

DP had still not answered call number 37 so in a panic i pulled on this black velvet robe thing that's slashed to the thigh on both legs, donned my flip flops and ran out into the pouring rain.

Banged on my neighbours door and shouted at her to watch the girls. Jumped in the car, windscreen wipers going ten to the dozen, windows down, landline phone still in hand and drove, hoping despretly to see DP walking along. Got to the tube station, still no sign. So I drive in the no entry bit, parked the car very badly and leaving windows open etc run into ticket office.

My waters are still trickling down my legs as I stand there in my flip flops and dressing gown and shouted to the man in the ticket office, "my husbands on that platform, let me on'.

I was only slightly aware of all the open mouthed stares as I held onto the bump with both hands and did that pregnant style run down the platform. The bugger was still no where to be seen. So I ran back, now slightly more aware of all the morning comuters! blush

I ran back into the ticket area and shouted at the man to make an announcemnet which he did. A man on the platform turned to me and shouted over the other people 'he's coming love, he's coming'.

DP sauntered, sauntered down from the other bloody end of the platform and found me standing there waters still trickling.

A few days later I was back at my active birth class and telling all the mums-to-be my story and this one woman said 'ohhh my god i can't believe that was you. My husband came home from work the other day and said 'you'll never believe what happened on the way to work this morning'! smile

bigbadwulf Thu 24-Jan-08 21:10:17

With DS1: insisting on going to Waitrose when contractions were only 15min apart, and giving the poor checkout lady the shock of her life when I gripped the conveyor belt and turned to DH saying "it's ok darling, it's only a contraction".

With DS2: the midwife saying "and baby's got a lovely head of dark hair" and him turning out to be a redder redhead than your average seville orange. And me turning down stitches as I'd "had enough of you people fannying around with my fanjo".

ManxMum Thu 24-Jan-08 19:08:00

A friend of mine went to a works Christmas party dinner, ate like there was no tomorrow and promptly went into labour. At the hospital, she started vomiting and the mw rang the panic buttonshouting, 'She's bringing up clots!' All hell broke loose until she managed to get heard above the panic:-

"It's ok, it's the garlic mushrooms"

With my DS2, I asked and LOOKED for the cat that someone had let in to the theatre, as his first cries sounded so much like miaowing and then naming DS after the anaesthetist, because he had stroked my head while DS was being born.

With DS3 it was the milk crate that the consultant stood on to do the CS and wondering how they managed to sterilise it hmm

Clappedout Thu 24-Jan-08 18:13:07

After two days of induced labour and a lot of drugs I suddenly noticed a lot of people had appeared in the delivery room and got really angry about it, asking who the scruffy man who looked like a student at the back was and could he leave asap. He was the paediatrician hmm

mellymell Thu 24-Jan-08 17:11:47

Couldn't do G&A for my induced labour. Tried it and projectile vomited over the poor MW. She managed to change into clean scrubs in before I did it again. blush Credit to her, she just looked rather surprised each time.

At this point, we decided it was time for an epidural (had had no pain relief up until this point, 36 hours later after contractions had started) - the repeated murmurings from me that 'I want to go home now' were a bit of a clue!

bigbumhole Thu 24-Jan-08 17:07:11

Me saying "Luke...I am your father" in between puffs of gas and air. What can i say, the noise of the gas and air just reminded me of Darth Vader TOO much!!

newgirl Thu 24-Jan-08 14:54:28

during my c section my relaxation cd emitted a loud whale noise that made everyone in the room laugh

i am sure they mention it at dinner parties - oh we had this hippy in once with her weird whale music etc!!

second time i had jazz - the doc said 'at least its not bloody angels again'

nervousal Thu 24-Jan-08 13:11:46

oh! and when getting stitched asking the mw to "make me bonny"

nervousal Thu 24-Jan-08 13:08:46

near the end me asking the midwife "Can't you just pull it out?", her looking down and then replying "no - sorry, the ears aren't out yet, I've got nothing to hold on to"

sb6699 Thu 24-Jan-08 11:54:28

First labour, totally out of it on gas and air and watching an episode of Jerry Springer where you have to guess which tvs are actually real women!!!

singsong Thu 24-Jan-08 11:44:18

Dh moaning about his toothache and the midwife offering him pain relief. Then bit later when he had numb mouth after vitit to dentist MIL thought I'd thumped him during the birth.

fairyflipflop Thu 24-Jan-08 10:44:10

I remember telling midwife who was stitching me up that it felt like she was doing a very neat job and would she sew some curtains for me? (High on G&A obviously!)

DH stage-whispering "Was that you?" when he heard an almighty splash as I stepped out of the taxi on arrival at the hospital

Feeling sorry for all the other new mums who would be soooo jealous at how beautiful my newborn ds was (he looked like a frog, seriously)

dh asking the midwife if there was any chance of a brazilian when she shaved me prior to emergency c-section!

estar Thu 24-Jan-08 10:18:12

One of my friends suggested the thing about blowing out candles that are coming towards you during each contraction. After sixteen hours of labour, I began falling asleep, waking up every ten minutes to have a contraction - and in my delirious state, I was seeing Ninja Turtle heads coming towards me instead! It made me blow harder, but still not sure what that was about. Maybe to do with DS1s obsession at the time!

hattyyellow Thu 24-Jan-08 10:16:36

These stories are brilliant - have been crying with laughter! Congratulations to all of you - I had a GA section but am dying to experience gas and air now!

MirandaG Thu 24-Jan-08 10:04:47

I managed to avoid cursing until one almighty push almost at the end when I yelled 'Oh f*' Up until then the midwife (we're both Irish) had been politely saying 'Imagine you're pushing out a big poo', but after she heard me say f* she yelled 'Imagine you're having a big SHITE'

RosJ Thu 24-Jan-08 09:59:23

In the ambulance on the way to hospital after attempted homebirth, and clinging to the gas canister for dear life-I mentioned that 80s film Blue Velvet where Dennis Hopper keeps taking hits from a canister of laughing gas. Then the paramedic kept coming out with lines from the film "Bringing Out the Dead" which my DP happens to be a big fan of. More weird than funny-was 9 inches dilated at the time.

In the hospital,out of my head on entenox, the contractions were talking to each other-the bad one was called "Roger" and the other ones were saying "watch out, here comes Roger". Only funny in retrospect!

squix Thu 24-Jan-08 09:47:24

Midwife offering DH her maglite torch and saying ' do you want to have a look?' whilst I am mooing on all fours.

Lying in theatre having my stiches for mega tears whilst tune on the radio is Rod Stewart's 'the first cut is the deepest'. Could there be a better tune in an operating theatre?

BurpyErnie Wed 23-Jan-08 23:28:43

My DP and mother pissing around in the hospital car park trying to find the right change for the parking ticket machine whilst I'm about to give birth AT ANY MINUTE and I am standing in a car park thinking "bugger this I'm off to give birth on my own" and I am checking myself in. They said I could have waited... I said PUT A BLOOD NOTE ONE THE CAR! any one tries to clamp you they will have me to deal with.

Dalrymps Wed 23-Jan-08 23:16:21

Right at the end of my labour... was on my side holding my leg in the air... as I gathered all my energy and gave an almighty push my leg jerked and I kicked my dh's glasses clean off! I just heard the midwife say 'oh dear'grin

I was offered paracetamol for labour pains. hmm I remember being so worried that i was in too much pain to go to sleep and was in tears as i decided i couldn't possibly have this baby till i'd had some sleep.

Getting to delivery room, mw told me to get changed, and i handed her my soaking wet knickers (waters had been breaking for about 4 hours) and said, oh you can throw these away. I don't want them any more. Very bemused looking mw.

missymum Wed 23-Jan-08 21:44:37

after 30 hrs of labour being told i would need help to get baby out by timid doctor and shouting 'whatever, am i bothered' in slurred gas n air catherine tate stylie...
and then apparently laughing hysterically (much to horror of dh)when stroppy midwife bashed her head accidently on low overhead light whilst she tried to wrestle the gas and air from me..grin

LynetteScavo Wed 23-Jan-08 21:20:03

A very nice consultant was about to deliver DS1 vy vontouse ans said with a very thick Asian accent

"When I say pant, pant" I asked,

What do you mean- "pont"?

DH couldn't contain himself.

JingleyJen Wed 23-Jan-08 21:15:21

being high on G&A when having stiches deciding to talk about bottom sex with the midwife when she stuck her finger up my bum to check she hadn't stitched all the way through blush

or having a contraction to "don't stop me now" by queen

discoverlife Wed 23-Jan-08 21:12:49

DH having to peel my fingers 1 by 1 from around his fingers then placing them on the grab rails because his fingers had gone blue.

Hecate Wed 23-Jan-08 21:10:58

Oh, I also vomited...I was facing the right, dh was on my left. I suddenly felt sick so I turned around to face him, and vomited all over him.

I don't know why I did that, it felt oddly right at the time. grin

dinny Wed 23-Jan-08 21:07:47

ha ha - Hecate, pmsl!

hey, I took a box of the Trivial Pursuit questions with me with my first labour PMSL

Hecate Wed 23-Jan-08 21:06:06

After 4 days of trying to induce me with that gel, the decision was made to break my waters, mainly because I wouldn't stop swearing and complaining and they were desperate to get rid of me. blush

The doctor was gorgeous. I developed an instant and huge crush. This was unfortunate not only because I am married and was in there with my husband, having our baby, but also because my first view of him (and he of me) is through my stirruped legs as he approached me with what appeared to be a gigantic crochet hook. shock

The sight of him approaching me with that hook made me panic and they gave me the gas and air, which I really went to town on. So I peeked between my legs at Doctor Slipstitch wink and he suddenly looked just like Little Bo Peep. So I asked him where his sheep were and then I laughed for about 10 minutes. blush All he said was "I think it's [the G&A] working.

I had taken a box of chocs and a BOOK into the del suite - showing my total ignorance! The books remained in the bag and the midwives enjoyed the chocs - every midwife on duty came into the room every ten minutes to ask how I was feeling and collect a caramel swirl.

It was all rather surreal, really!

dinny Wed 23-Jan-08 20:37:54

nearly fully dilated and mw bent down to check if she could see head (I was kneeling up, resting arms and head on bed) and there was a REALLY loud bang and waters exploded all over her glasses! poor woman! she was totally unfazed!!! God love her!

beeper Wed 23-Jan-08 20:35:10

I said to very small lady doctor "are you sure that you are not 12 years old" She spat at me "I will be consultant in 2 years" and then got me back by performing a fetal blood check with little care for my pain.

yetihed Wed 23-Jan-08 20:08:47

On gas and air, I was wrigling through the fruit from 'The Hungry Caterpillar'.

After the emergency and traumatic C Section, when they slide you off the table onto a bed I whooped and said "Cool, that's the best thing that's happened to me all day! Oh, except having a baby!"

Oh, how we laughed... 2 weeks later! smile

MaeBee Wed 23-Jan-08 19:35:36

this is making me cry with laughter too.
after 30 hrs of my longed for homebirth, my big fat stuck boy wasn't budging so off to hospital for the whole epidural/epispinal/forceps affair. i didn't care at that point.
the senior midwife refused to examine me on all fours, said she could only do it if i lay on my back hmm and there was no way i was doing that. dp muttered: just turn your diagram upside down.
unfortunately she didn't hear him.
then after a few hours of whacking more drugs into me than i had happily and illegally taken for a decade before pregnancy, the baby was dragged out. when i raised my tired head to peer at the tricky shouting bugger before they raced him off i cracked: look! its not yours! its got dark hair! (like my ex boyfriend. it was actually my blood.)
then dp called into the distance where they had taken our baby: "is he all alright?"
and the midwife yelled back: "yes, he has all his fingers, all 5 of them!"
"5? im sorry, its meant to be 10?" joked dp.
we were the only ones who thought we were funny.

discoverlife Wed 23-Jan-08 18:40:34

Tears running down my face with this thread.

DS2 had just crowned, and the midwife asked if I wanted to see the babies head. My reply through gritted teeth was
" I don't F***ing need to see the F***ing head, I can F****ing feel it. DH nearly missed the actual birth because he was hiding behind the curtain trying not to laugh out loud.
I though the red eyes were from me squeezing his hand so hard, no, it was from crying tears of laughter.

discoverlife Wed 23-Jan-08 18:28:55

I was in labour on my birthday. After dicussing the fact that LO would arrive on my birthday she said. " Its a lovely Birthday presents, aren't you glad he's not boxed and gift wrapped".

barbara3 Wed 23-Jan-08 18:28:21

Again the laughter comes from the gas and air - I got paranoid we were going to run out so I told my hubby to go and get a few more bottles - as if he was off to the off licence....... then I became like a silly school girl and thought in my head that I would not stop taking the gas and air in between as advised because then I would always feel sooo good and there would be no more pain still seem logical!!......hmmmmm a good spew later and I ordered the epidural

Twinkie1 Wed 23-Jan-08 16:42:12

Saying Jesus Christ over and over again whilst the midwife fingered her cross and looked at me disapprovingly - should have just said Twunt over and over but didn't want DS hearing that as his first word in the world.

Oh and off my face on gas and air begging for more drugs and being yelled at that I had already had DS!

notalone Wed 23-Jan-08 16:35:06

When the placenta was delivered I was still in a G & A stupor. I was utterly convinced it was so big it took 2 men with yellow wellies to get it into the wheelbarrow they had so handily brought with them! Infact I beleived that had actually happenned for a few days unti DP cleverly pointed out that I had been carrying said placenta round on my own for past 9 months so therefore it did NOT need 2 men in wellies to carry it for me.

I was sent for a bath after delivery and remember being so embarrassed about how bloody the bath was that I actually found some cleaning stuff and cleaned it until it was sparkling. I was so tired I could barely see but I remember thinking the midwives would think I was a dirty person if I didn't leave it clean. WTF hmm

YvonneS Wed 23-Jan-08 15:51:33

Been in labour for approx 14 hours when waters finally fully went in big gush all over DH's feet I was a bit spaced out on gas and air and all I could say was it's okay you can borrow my socks.

Once dd finally born mw inspecting placenta when artery in cord burst covered both mw's, floor and wall behind mw in blood just missed dh. I couldn't stop laughing grin

potoroo Wed 23-Jan-08 14:51:13

Just arrived in the delivery suite to hear an ungodly shrieking from the next room.

Without missing a beat MW said "Oh, ignore her, she's just stubbed her toe." AND I BELIEVED HER! (DH wisely kept his mouth shut).

Jaynerae Wed 23-Jan-08 14:20:21

DH had driven me to hospital, dropped me off at maternity unit entrance and went to park the car, I leant against the wall whilst having a contraction and waters were still flowing, breathing through the contraction - I was quite calm as felt no urge to push, and as I looked up I saw a heavily pregnant lady in her night clothes looking at me and pointing, saying to her partner, in a very panis stricken voice "see - that is what I do not want to happen to me! I am not leaving this hospital until I have had this baby!"

Then whilst I was in the delivery room, I grunted a few times and the MW said "Mrs X you can't push yet - you are not fully dialated" I said "I can't help it - my body is doing it not me" I got tearful and said what will happen, she said I am calling the consultant. Consultant came in mid contraction and I am breathing heavily through the contraction and consulant says " MRS X are you in any pain?" I looked at her with my eyes popping out, unable to talk as was breathing, but my look must have said are you F....... crazy woman of course I am in pain, the MW looked at me and said Dr means are you in any pain apart from the contractions - I just shook my head in utter disbeleif! DH says the look on my face said it all!

My body continued to push and I was grunting so they told me to get on the bed, as I lay down I said "are you sure that baby is not there because I can F>>>> feel something inbetween my legs!" Consultant looked and said to MW - there is no problem here - MW went into panic mode as head was crowning and she was not prepared for it!

Not ready to push my arse!

melpomene Wed 23-Jan-08 13:38:20

First time:

Getting high on gas and air and exclaiming "Magic snails! I can see magic snails climbing the curtains!"

Also, I was looked after by a doctor who was called Dr Patient.

Second time:

During first stage of labour at home, I decided to have a bath but it provided no pain relief whatever so I was screaming and swearing in a colourful manner with each contraction while dh looked after dd1 downstairs. After a while I realised that my Mum and Dad had arrived to look after dd1, and everyone had been able to hear all my swearing. blush

Later at the hospital, there were building works going on outside the room I was in and there were gaps in the slatted blinds so the builders could (presumably) see in. I was too far gone to care by that point, though.

Went to the toilet quite wasted on pethidine. The lightbulb was broken in there and I thought 'I'll just keep my hand down there in case the baby falls out' (ha ha). Mid crouch, somthing comes out and I can feel it on the palm of my hand.

I scream 'my baby!' midwife, mother and DH all come running in in time for my whole waters sac to crash onto the floor and cover them in amniotic fluid.


Then I stood there sobbing for a bit cos I couldn't figure out what had happened, it being pitch black n all.

yelnats Wed 23-Jan-08 13:25:06

Was induced with dd1 and had ARM - continually insisted that I was peeing myself and I didnt like it so would someone please f*ckin let me off the bed to go to the toilet. Also high on gas and air and rambling some crap about Chris Tarrant coming back to see us - never seen him) cos we had won Who Wants to be a Millionaire (WTF?!). Swore like a trooper entire labour!

dd2 - another induction - frantically been flung in a wheelchair (with just a pj top and a housecoat flung on top to cover th exit) after realising i was fully dilated (prev didnt really know i was in labour) and being run along the corridor with all doors being held open then waters popping in the lift on the way to delivery. Then on arrival insisting i wasnt pushing baby out til my mum and dp arrived (despite major urge to push) then dp arrives and still no mum - and i did not push again til mum got was allowed in to the room grin

then after delivery telling my mum (who always calls midwifes nurses) that the mw was a f*ckin mw not a nurse - shes done an extra 18 months training mum - stop fu*kin calling her a nurse! MW didnt know where to look then added - you tell her hen i;m not a nurse - think i caused quite a bit of hilarity. Oh and Mears was in the room next door grin

lottiejenkins Wed 23-Jan-08 08:17:31

When i was having my ds 11 years ago i had to be induced. then had my waters broken. My late dh and I were watching a cricket match in the labour ward. I nearly drove the midwives to distraction, every time a wicket went i was shouting, the midwives would rush in and say are you ok Mrs Jenkins? I would say its ok it was another wicket! they couldnt wait to get me into the delivery room.!!grin

Bouncingturtle Wed 23-Jan-08 08:01:22

Wasn't funny at the time, but now I think back it was!
Had already been sent home twice from the hospital as I wasn't in established labour (felt as though I'd failed an exam or something!) but on 3rd admittance was in agony, pains in my lower back and at the bottom of my uterus but no pain at the top. So MWs were not convinced I was in established labour yet. Advised me to have a bath and then said they would have to send me home after. In the bath, Dh was trying to persuade me to stay in as long as possible, I wasn't having it. "I have to get out NOW!!! I feel like I need to do a really big POO!!!", stood up and I think my waters were breaking as I could see gloopy liquid tricking between legs. So went to delivery suite and told MWs who were VERY sceptical. They decided to examine me again, the MW's face was a picture when she looked up at DH and said, "She's 9cm dilated!", she asked me to get up and then my waters just went completely - it went everywhere!!!! DS arrived 30 minutes later. MWs were covered in bodily fluids and I was so mortified I kept apologising to the midwives!! Plus much to my DH's amusement, I started trying to clean up after I had my shower cause I was so embarrassed about the mess I made blush

ExpectingKat Wed 23-Jan-08 07:48:34

Havin DS I was told a couple of hours before it won't be long then nothing at one point I said to friend and DH get the midwife in here, when she walked in I said "either tell me this baby is coming out now or give me sum god damn drugs!" poor thing didn't know where to put herself lol wasn't that long afterwards he was born

Kimi Wed 23-Jan-08 07:24:50

DH missing the birth then turning up as I was having stitches and saying "oh you had the baby? Why did'ent you wait?"

Sarahjct Wed 23-Jan-08 04:07:14

My dad turning up in the delivery suite. I had LO at 03:14 and my dad turned up to see what was happening. He turned up at about 05:00. Any earlier and he could have helped the doc with my stitches! Me lying there covered in blood and Christ knows what else, being barked at by the MW to try to feed and my dad sitting in the chair next to me saying 'what's happening then?'

He hates to miss out on anything...

Jackstini Tue 22-Jan-08 23:34:43

omg numptys mummy - I have just fallen forward on my chair and whacked my head on the desk laughing!

numptysmummy Tue 22-Jan-08 22:23:51

Was quite shocked when,whilst reaching down to feel ds's head crowning the midwife explained to me it was my clit that was stuck on his head.Thought it strange,i mean i know it isn't a pretty sight and you kind of change shape down there during labour but was confused as to how my bits were actually stuck to his head. Dh kindly told me she had said clip,which was attaching the monitor to his head. Was so embarrased!

pinkbubble Tue 22-Jan-08 22:13:45

I remember being in full blown labour with DD1 and suddenly everything went haywire unbeknown to me! All I heard was the midwife saying make a fist - but through my ears I heard her saying make a fish! I was frantically panicking because I didn't know how to make a fish, soon after I was whisked off for a ceasarian and I never made the fish (or the fist for that matter) I do hope it was my training and my career that made me think that as at the time I was a Nursery Nurse at a Nursery!

When I came round from the aneasetic (sp) I thought they were telling me I had a sister and not a daughter!shock

Sanwi Tue 22-Jan-08 22:05:34

being in the recovery room after c section, having not eaten anything for nearly 24 hours, scoffing a big jam tart dh had for me in about 3 mouthfuls

dh then had an apple and put the core down on my bed when a nurse came in and demanded "who ate this apple?" at which dh said it was him. she said "that's ok then" and the to me "YOU can't eat until tomorrow morning when the doctor's been round"

i just sat there quietly hoping there were no crumbs round my mouth...

rofl at this thread! had to wipe my eyes and have a drink before continuing to read!!!
Here's mine - with DS, waters broke when i went to loo on the ward (was in with pre-eclampsia). But as there was no evidence of waters broken, they didn't believe me! Was going to be induced - when they used crochet hook to break waters, were confused nothing happening, cue them discussing where my waters were - me,