is this the worst and most self-absorbed piece of journalism ever written? (most amusing)

(454 Posts)
whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Wed 13-Dec-06 23:12:00

Without a word of a lie, this was printed in The Evening Standard the other day after the tornado. A friend of mine has picked it up and thinks it's worth celebrating in all its pompous, un-self-aware, London meeja whore bourgeois pig awfulness. it's not a piss-take. really it isn't.

"My tornado hell. This is to celebrate and remember the excellent article by freelance writer Caroline Phillips from the Evening Standard. When it was printed is irrelevant, the point is to keep it alive forever, long after the last landfill has rotted away, we are all dust, and your children's children's children may revel in the words contained herein." here

QuootiepiesChristmasName Wed 13-Dec-06 23:14:27

Got one

moondog Wed 13-Dec-06 23:16:42

Good god that is hilarious!!!

Guffawing helplessly at Douschka the dog.

Silly bitch.

thewoodlandfairy Wed 13-Dec-06 23:17:12

it truly is astonishing

Wilbur Wed 13-Dec-06 23:18:01

I love the bit about her clementines being vomited across the kitchen floor...

Twiglett Wed 13-Dec-06 23:18:19

I can't read it .. my brain melted on the first paragraph

weepootleflump Wed 13-Dec-06 23:20:02

OMG! Do you think she's a MNer?

EmkanaCookTurkeyLikeICan Wed 13-Dec-06 23:22:27

You must read it to the end - otherwise you miss out on the Cath Kidston carpet in the nine year old's bedroom.

2nervesnapartridgeinapeartree Wed 13-Dec-06 23:23:05

Really not a piss take??

The bit about the firemen admiring her polished plaster walls?

EmkanaCookTurkeyLikeICan Wed 13-Dec-06 23:23:14

Oh and the husband saying to the insurance bloke, after being offered to stay in a hotel, "There is only one hotel in London - Claridge's"


moondog Wed 13-Dec-06 23:24:42

I can't believe it actually.

It makes me want to start a revolution.She will be firstup for the firing squad.

It's so vacuous and self indulgent.

Reading it encapsulates all that is wrong and greedy.

SantasFattymumma Wed 13-Dec-06 23:25:03

i got about half way and couldn't go on.

What a pretentious twunt.
i love the way she name drops and has to give everyones jobs just so that we knoe her freinds are all "nice people"

glad her house is wrecked, she can now recreater her "passion for perfect decor"

doyouwantfrankincensewiththat Wed 13-Dec-06 23:25:54

huzzah the cat's OK

do Claridges take cats?

weepootleflump Wed 13-Dec-06 23:30:14

Had to go back and finish, just for the Cath Kidston reference - superb!

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Wed 13-Dec-06 23:30:25

i feel very sorry for Beryl... i don't think she was even a film producer.

DeckthehallsLaDiDaDi Wed 13-Dec-06 23:30:58

I can't believe that she got that pile of namedropping crap printed.

NattyandThomasandBumpandSanta Wed 13-Dec-06 23:34:25

my goodness, shes full of it... such a shame to have oranges vomited on ur floor.. as if the birthday cards on the shelf wernt enough... reminds me of the catherine tate sketches
"oh mummy.."

posh cow

Judd Wed 13-Dec-06 23:34:37

I looked around our house and smirked at "I feared looting".

wickedwinterwitch Wed 13-Dec-06 23:36:50

<snort snort>

moondog Wed 13-Dec-06 23:39:22

Beryl was the token working class brick i think.

Born and bred there hence astonishing scenario of a charlady (retd.) rubbing shoulders with film producers and the like.

myrrhthamoo Wed 13-Dec-06 23:39:22

Oh. I am utterly lost for words. There is so much to pick at in that I don't even know where to start. She just cannot be for real...tell me it's a wind up...

wickedwinterwitch Wed 13-Dec-06 23:40:29

"I was standing thinking How Can I Write About This? How soon can I get my copy in? And as I surveyed my friend's Imac, I knew the answer was soon. Because you all deserve to know what it's like to be middle class and devastated."

myrrhthamoo Wed 13-Dec-06 23:41:06

In the midst of such angst, such devastation, such loss...she still makes the point that it's an 'American walnut floating shelf.' God forbid we should think it was just any old shelf...from Argos or B&Q maybe.

doyouwantfrankincensewiththat Wed 13-Dec-06 23:41:07

she may find she gets used to post-tornado minimum maintenance darling

ClementClarkeMoore Wed 13-Dec-06 23:41:35

Unctuous buggar

wickedwinterwitch Wed 13-Dec-06 23:42:57

"My children now know true horror. They know not of broken homes, food poverty, hunger, but they know, now, how it feels when their Cath Kidston covers are cruelly ripped from their beds without a by your leave from the Mistress that is Mother Nature."

Sorry, I'll stop now.

2nervesnapartridgeinapeartree Wed 13-Dec-06 23:44:39

Yes NattyandThomas I thought of Catherine Tate!

Gooseberry and cinnamon yogurt anyone?

Twiglett Wed 13-Dec-06 23:45:42

<snort @ moo> "In the midst of such angst, such devastation, such loss...she still makes the point that it's an 'American walnut floating shelf.' God forbid we should think it was just any old shelf...from Argos or B&Q maybe. "

PMSL .. throat is hurting with laughter actually

fatwoman Wed 13-Dec-06 23:46:46

"Jamie, our musician neighbour and father of newborn Seth" O. M. G. PMSL

wickedwinterwitch Wed 13-Dec-06 23:47:43

I like the way she mentions everyones occupations, very funny.

VeniVidiVickiQV Wed 13-Dec-06 23:47:54


Have you read the comments???

Twiglett Wed 13-Dec-06 23:48:03

its a blog though isn't it? that's not a real journalist ... no editor could possibly let that live .. unless writing for Up My Own Arse Homes & Gardens

NattyandThomasandBumpandSanta Wed 13-Dec-06 23:49:06

the funny thing is she refers to people without insurance as "poor"...
and i suppose people with only one car, no dishwasher and who buy their furniture from ikea as unbelivliby "desolate"... what is with this woman, what paper again? god it would never get published in a PROPER paper..

okay im ignoring this now it makes me so mad!

NappiesGalooooooooooooria Wed 13-Dec-06 23:50:15

oh wow - that is truly fannytastic. was quite a slog to read the whole thing... but worth it. youre right. we must carve it in gold and bury it in time capsules. or something.


she screams a lot doesnt she? must be quite tiring to be around her... feel quite sorry for the 'close friends' shes staying with

iwouldloveadollypleaseSanta Wed 13-Dec-06 23:50:47

how can someone write that claptrap and not think 'o i have written a spoof of my own life'. pmsl

moondog Wed 13-Dec-06 23:52:27

Very good WWW.
I think you should pen a witty riposte.

MrsJohnCuSackFullOfPresents Wed 13-Dec-06 23:52:28

no no no
is a piss take, it must be - noone can be that un-selfaware.
she wants publicity to sell her house now that it's not going to be in Homes and Property and now that she can't live there any more because of the Scientologists

actually it's rather brilliant

NappiesGalooooooooooooria Wed 13-Dec-06 23:53:32

asa pisstake its brilliant.

VeniVidiVickiQV Wed 13-Dec-06 23:53:42


ClementClarkeMoore Wed 13-Dec-06 23:54:24

Definitely a piss take

myrrhthamoo Wed 13-Dec-06 23:54:41

Oh, the people she knows...

film producer Julia Barron

Adrian...private banker

A neighbour, Chris Martin, an advertising producer

Thank God that the

"fiftysomething man [who] had suffered serious head injuries" turned out to be nobody of any social standing.


whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Wed 13-Dec-06 23:54:44

no, the story is that my friend was sent this by a friend of his who works for the Indy, which is the paper this silly twunt normally writes for. this piece, however, was in the evening standard. the chap from teh indy had typed it out, he'd been so appalled.
i've actually just rung my friend to re-confirm that is definitely For Real.
anyway, my pal does a lot of blogging for livejournal so he just made a blogspot up for the article so that it was easy for his friends (ie me)to find. it's already been sent to Pseuds Corner... i think we can be sure that the Eye will not take kindly to it.

myrrhthamoo Wed 13-Dec-06 23:55:33

It has to be a piss-take. Simply because if she was real someone would have killed her by now.

sunnywong Wed 13-Dec-06 23:55:51

my brain melted too

If she's that up herself WTF is she doing living in Kensal Rise?

dear dear dear [head shaking emoticon]

moondog Wed 13-Dec-06 23:57:57

lmao at martha's comment re nobody that is the middle aged bloke with a head wound.

Private Eye are rubbing their hands as we speak...

VeniVidiVickiQV Wed 13-Dec-06 23:58:29

"In January, it was to have been shot for Homes & Property."

Its been in all manor of publications now, surely this should make her happy?

edam Wed 13-Dec-06 23:59:50

I find it difficult to believe this was published rather than just existing as a blog. No opportunity to name or brand-drop missed!

NappiesGalooooooooooooria Wed 13-Dec-06 23:59:51

no aitch. it must be a piss take and as such its brilliant.
if this woman is really like this... she would def have been killed by now, not out of anger, but sheer boredom, surely??
she regularly writes for e newspaper you say?? glad i dont have time to read the sodding things...

VeniVidiVickiQV Thu 14-Dec-06 00:00:00

Sunny - i think you'll find she doesnt live in Kensal Rise, she lives in "Hampstead".....

NappiesGalooooooooooooria Thu 14-Dec-06 00:01:37

with the scientlogists

Spidermama Thu 14-Dec-06 00:02:23


I couldn't help noticing that the Birmingham tornedo, about a year ago, was much worse and had far less coverage. It didn't even lead the early news bullies despite there being good footage.

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 00:03:01

i think you'll find that this woman is a journalist who gets paid quite often to write shitey articles about property for the Evening Standard. it is not a piss-take.

more from caroline

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 00:05:43

the first article is all about how lucky she was to get a house in up-and-coming Kensal...Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaah!

2nervesnapartridgeinapeartree Thu 14-Dec-06 00:07:17

Was just reading that 'Kensall' article Aitch but can't do links. So she's real! Amazing!!

NappiesGalooooooooooooria Thu 14-Dec-06 00:08:53


im speechless.

struck dumb.

(lucky my fingers still work, eh?)

2nervesnapartridgeinapeartree Thu 14-Dec-06 00:09:16

I have to thank you for the link. I haven't laughed with tears rolling down my cheeks for a long time. I sooooo enjoyed it.

suzycreamcheese Thu 14-Dec-06 00:09:53

its classic! thanks for this one great stuff and has made my night!
once Iworked with someone who got there place photographed for homes and gardens up her own ass for about a year after.. painful for all in vicinity

"There is Maisonette, a retro interiors shop that stocks Farrow Ball paint."

so does B&Q love!!

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 00:13:33

(it actually rather makes me want to change career... how come she's getting this work? she's rotten. )

NappiesGalooooooooooooria Thu 14-Dec-06 00:13:50

i do think the neighbours missed an opportunity to put her/us out of our misery in the midst of all the chaos and destruction without anyone knowing it wasnt the work of some flying american veneered walnut shelf...

i would have, just to stop the bloody bint screeching all over the place... really must be very wearing, that.


oh lordy Ive got packed lunches to make!

MrsJohnCuSackFullOfPresents Thu 14-Dec-06 00:15:52

oh yes I have read her before
I still reckon she's after publicity to sell her house
Please tell me she's not completely unaware of her own ridiculousness? I'd hate to think she could write something so hilariously funny unconciously. That wouldn't be fair

NappiesGalooooooooooooria Thu 14-Dec-06 00:16:25

i know aitch - hell, i could be a v successful journo, if that shite gets published...

suzycreamcheese Thu 14-Dec-06 00:17:32

did anyone notice the 'leave a comment' box at the bottom of this glorious article???
go on gals.. there is already one from offensive mango is anyone owning up??

NappiesGalooooooooooooria Thu 14-Dec-06 00:18:22

it is hilariuosly funny... maybe the editor people are being funny by publishing her, even if she is being earnest...??

we need a pic
what does she look like?

suzycreamcheese Thu 14-Dec-06 00:19:43

would anyone know how to leave a comment that links it to this page??
I've really got to get good at the technical stuff

NappiesGalooooooooooooria Thu 14-Dec-06 00:24:23

oh yes good point sally

heavenlyghosty Thu 14-Dec-06 00:30:57

<joins Twig in the melted brain section>

dara Thu 14-Dec-06 00:54:15

She's a very successful, highly paid journalist who writes a lot for the Evening Standard. I read it when it was published and fumed about it for days. I also love the job descriptions and the distinction between posh people (who suffer awful tragedies when they lose their walnut shelves) and poor people who can just feck off and die and let some nice private banker live in their horribly decorated house.
God, she has no bloody idea.

fortyplus Thu 14-Dec-06 01:17:15

Xenia's sister, obviously!

arfishyheauheauheau Thu 14-Dec-06 01:38:53

She is awful. Can you imagine what she'd be like if something really bad happened?

I've never seen snobbery like it.

kiskidee Thu 14-Dec-06 01:58:15

pmsl at 'ancient apples and pears'. you'd think she's speaking of a stately home with attached national trust botanical garden.

Did Hyacinth Bucket write this?

QuootiepiesChristmasName Thu 14-Dec-06 04:18:53

I couldn't get very far... wasn't very intresting.

arfishyheauheauheau Thu 14-Dec-06 04:30:07

PMSL! There's more.

From an Evening Standard Campsite Article:

Really, I'm not obvious camping material. My last adventure holiday took me to Bali to the poolside of an Aman resort. I'm a camping virgin but was keen to see what all the fuss was about. My husband's shopping list read: 'tent, firelighters, Swiss army knife', to which I added: 'Floral-print Dosa and dotty Legacy frocks from The Cross.'

We arrive at our Cornish campsite. (No jet lag. It's in the same time zone as London.) It's near Holywell Bay and current campers include four Rudolph Steiner educationalists, a psychotherapist and two Suzuki violin teachers.

I MUST go and find a photo.

doyouwantfrankincensewiththat Thu 14-Dec-06 04:41:49

she is obsessed by peoples jobs isn't she - her first question must be "& what do you do?" (bit like the queen I suppose - subtext = & are you worth talking to).

Suzuki violin teacher - how specific.
educationalist - does she mean teacher.

her thesaurus must be well thumbed - ooer missus

SnafuOutOfHiding Thu 14-Dec-06 08:26:29

I'm with Moondog. I'm partial to a bit of Farrow & Ball myself but that article just makes me want to get out a big gun.

I wonder if Cath Kidston has branched out into armaments yet?

merrylissiemas Thu 14-Dec-06 08:35:14

pmsl, oh i bet she eats baked beans out of a can and drink tennants super. noone can be that pretentious in rl

lulumama Thu 14-Dec-06 08:44:26

"It has to be a piss-take. Simply because if she was real someone would have killed her by now" yep!

either done with so much tongue in cheek irony, it goes beyond ironic and reverts to pretentiousness and up - yer -own arsiness.....

or was pretentious anyway and done without a hint of irony.

vomited nights will be haunted by that sad image for ever more.........not to mention the american walnut floating, i mean , how and how cares if the shelves float?

Aitch - i thank you for making me <<snoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooort>>



once again !

ta !

lulumama Thu 14-Dec-06 08:44:26

"It has to be a piss-take. Simply because if she was real someone would have killed her by now" yep!

either done with so much tongue in cheek irony, it goes beyond ironic and reverts to pretentiousness and up - yer -own arsiness.....

or was pretentious anyway and done without a hint of irony.

vomited nights will be haunted by that sad image for ever more.........not to mention the american walnut floating, i mean , how and how cares if the shelves float?

Aitch - i thank you for making me <<snoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooort>>



once again !

ta !

lulumama Thu 14-Dec-06 08:44:55

see, so mind blown i posted twice !!

RubberDuckWithCranberrySauce Thu 14-Dec-06 08:44:56

Sorry guys - a one post blog with google ads at the top, clearly meant to be is it/isn't it real to get the click throughs... it's a piss take.

And just because she (can you be sure it's her? It's a livejournal blog ffs - she could say she was Mahatma Gandhi) writes contraversial stuff in a newspaper doesn't prove anything either - editors view their success in how large the mailbag is - hence the proliferation of shock journalism that seems to be fashionable at the moment.

RubberDuckWithCranberrySauce Thu 14-Dec-06 08:48:50

(Oh and all the posh stuff inside her house is blatantly to get better paying google advertising links)

irishyouamerrychristmas Thu 14-Dec-06 09:13:57

But,,,,but she can't write.

If this is the standard that newspaper editors are letting through, then everyone who posts on mn should be on the payroll of the Times or the Guardian.

irishyouamerrychristmas Thu 14-Dec-06 09:15:39

And I say that, sitting here at my birch veneered Ikea desk, looking onto the shrubs I planted to disguise my next door neighbour's concrete block wall, and drinking a cup of PG tips out of a £1.50 for 6 mug from the local market....

thisturkeyneedsstuffing Thu 14-Dec-06 09:23:03

I read it and to be honest a lot went over my head - although the name dropping was obvious and a little sad! Anyway then I read all these posts and I totally got it and thought OMG!!!

Anyway now I think she is a silly pretentious cow but I do still feel sorry for her dog! And I think she made up the bit about the paranoid schizophrenic - can you imagine a paranoid schizophrenic (disheveled!) being worried about his meds in the aftermath of a tornado , more likely they would be developing an elaborate conspiracy theory me thinks!!!

kittyschristmascrackers Thu 14-Dec-06 09:27:12

Ah, it takes all sorts......
Couldn't read to the end, more of the same. Quite amazing though and yes, it could easily have been a script for the catherine Tate show, perhaps someone should forward it to her agent or something

greenday Thu 14-Dec-06 09:27:27

What a sad sad woman! May she never discover the horrors of real life tragedies going on in the world. Or maybe she should ..

JackieNoHoHo Thu 14-Dec-06 09:38:05

See Aitch's post earlier - it wasn't originally a blog, just been put there so more people can laugh at it:

"no, the story is that my friend was sent this by a friend of his who works for the Indy, which is the paper this silly twunt normally writes for. this piece, however, was in the evening standard. the chap from teh indy had typed it out, he'd been so appalled.
i've actually just rung my friend to re-confirm that is definitely For Real.
anyway, my pal does a lot of blogging for livejournal so he just made a blogspot up for the article so that it was easy for his friends (ie me)to find. it's already been sent to Pseuds Corner... i think we can be sure that the Eye will not take kindly to it."

PamiNativity Thu 14-Dec-06 09:38:34

Come on then, who posted on her comments to tell her about this thread? . I'm astounded at the number of typos in the article - didn't she spell check it first? And what was all that stuff about Kensal Rise and the Scientologists? Totally lost me there.

Anchovy Thu 14-Dec-06 09:41:09

Oooh I read this in the Standard when it came out and had a moment of huge and silent mirth between Queenstown Road and Wandsworth Town.

My favourite bit was this:

"On Friday evening, stupidly, we met friends for dinner in that awful eye of the social tornado, Cipriani. I wore Tornado Chic - the grey pants and multiple jumpers that were still my only clothes. I screamed with grief in the loo."

Screamed with grief in the loo...

I think it is true. You really couldn't make it up.

Willow2 Thu 14-Dec-06 09:44:40

Rubberduck - nope, this has to be real. You only have to read her other pieces to see that a common theme runs through them. Namely one that screams, "I am a precocious twat. Please punch me."

She writes a lot for the Standard it would seem. Read the camping piece - it reads like nails down the blackboard. The style of writing is identical, so this is either for real or the most phenomenal piss take.

Priceless. Thank you Santa. You've truly surpassed yourself.

ChristmasCaroligula Thu 14-Dec-06 09:51:07

No it has got to be a piss take. It really is like a whole long elongated pseuds corner. I didn't get past the first few paragraphs, it was a bit formulaic and I sort of knew what was coming. "My soul was in that house" is my favourite bit. It begs the question of where her soul's got to now.

dara Thu 14-Dec-06 09:53:39

It IS real!! I read it in the Standard, complete with picture of her house and her! She is reasonably famous as a journalist.

So funny though that people can't believe it!

foxinsocks Thu 14-Dec-06 09:54:13

I thought it was hysterical.

doyouwantfrankincensewiththat Thu 14-Dec-06 09:54:43

her soul's probably staying at Claridges - or maybe taking a short holiday in the Bahamas to get over it.

amused by the offensive mango..

dara Thu 14-Dec-06 09:55:43

She's a prune faced, middleaged, blonde highlighted West London person.

moondog Thu 14-Dec-06 09:56:27

...with a face like a cat's arse in spasm.

maryhadaharpsichordyeahlord Thu 14-Dec-06 09:57:28

my favourite part was when she compared not being allowed back into her house as apartheid

ChristmasCaroligula Thu 14-Dec-06 09:58:50

Blimey I didn't get that far. Did she compare finding her le creuset pots missing to the holocaust?

PMSL at the cat's arse in spasm. So unnecessary. And yet descriptive.

moondog Thu 14-Dec-06 09:59:52

I am sooo enjoying the pleasure/horror that others are taking from choice phrases.

MrsJohnCuSackFullOfPresents Thu 14-Dec-06 10:01:08

I know it is REAL as in she is a journalist, it was in the Standard, it's like her other pieces.

but I refuse to believe she's not aware of her own ridiculousness. It just isn't possible. Apartheid FFS, screaming with grief in the loo. She is taking the piss out of herself, I am sure. My faith in humanity depends on me believing this point of view, so I am going to continue to do so.

Gizmo Thu 14-Dec-06 10:01:53

Just reading the first line from all of her articles is amusement enough:

'LORD Charles March, son of the Duke of Richmond, has just locked himself out of The Kennels. He knocks on the French doors and waves..'


'VOGUE editor Alexandra Shulman and Yusuf Islam (Cat Stevens) are often seen walking along its leafy streets, although not together. Emma Thompson has ..'

I think someone has read too much Judith Krantz when young

ChristmasCaroligula Thu 14-Dec-06 10:02:11

Of course she's taking the piss.

Of course she is.

taylormama Thu 14-Dec-06 10:03:44

OHMYGOODGOD! This is the funniest thing i have ever read ... ever. Her poor floating american walnut shelf ... words fail me - i wonder how many times it will be submitted to Private Eye for their Pseuds Corner ... you really couldn't make it up.

dara Thu 14-Dec-06 10:04:16

It's not a piss take. It was a double page spread in the Standard. It is just like all the rest of her journalism. Why would she write, or the paper publish, a peculiar satire on something that was very unpleasant for a number of Londoners, not all of whom are as ghastly as CP.

taylormama Thu 14-Dec-06 10:06:37

do you know what the writing style reminds me of? In The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, he decides he is going to write a romantic novel and he namedrops and used words like "soignee" to imply sophistication etc etc whilst failing miserably.

Gizmo Thu 14-Dec-06 10:07:54

Actually, I beginning to wonder if she might not have potential as a 'national treasure'.

I mean, check this out from the camping article:

'Our neighbours are Mike Chattey and family. A fundraiser for the Conservative Party, he turned down a fortnight in a villa near St Tropez to camp. His tent is a veritable mansion block; artist Christo used less material when he wrapped the Reichstag. Nearby in her nostalgic Czech tent is Sue Charman. "I know how to make a draining board out of snakeleashed sticks," explains this Oxford educated former theatre director.'

Does anyone care to speculate wtf a 'snakeleashed stick' is? Is it a Farrow and Ball pigment?

kiskidee Thu 14-Dec-06 10:08:59

could you imagine what kind of a shag she must be?

MyTwoChocolateCoinsWorth Thu 14-Dec-06 10:09:25

i got all the way through the first sentence before i had to go change my pants! have now put towels down and am off to finish the article. Am wearing armbands as precaution.

taylormama Thu 14-Dec-06 10:13:09

no idea what a snakeleashed stick is ... but WTF is a nostalgic Czech tent?? How can a sodding tent be nostalgic.

santasweetdreamer Thu 14-Dec-06 10:13:34

funniest thing I've ever read!

MyTwoChocolateCoinsWorth Thu 14-Dec-06 10:15:37

yup. she's a twat.

i wonder how she thinks she comes across?

........dear god, you dont suppose she's that annoying in rl, do you? <shudders>

maybe next time, instead of being dorothy, she could be the wicked witch of the east.......

JackieNoHoHo Thu 14-Dec-06 10:16:26

Some classic bits in another article about having her house done up:
"Nathan Brown was just the builder we were looking for when we embarked on a radical conversion of our Victorian terrace house.

Nathan, of Brownstone Design, is one of a new breed of builder: married to a TV producer, he practises feng shui and yoga before rolling up his sleeves, and he knows the importance of finishing projects on time and within budget."

And their new kitchen has all mod cons:
"In no time we had created a huge modern extension where once there had been the lean-to. Inside was a kitchen, by Alternative Plans, with a quarry's worth of limestone on the heated floor, Lutron lighting (as used in the Oval Office of the White House), a Gaggenau steam oven, drive-in Siemens fridge-freezer, wraparound Bose home-entertainment system and a wall of sliding glass doors that cost us our holidays for a decade."


ChristmasCaroligula Thu 14-Dec-06 10:23:51

And she has a "passion" for interiors.

A passion, forsooth.

There must be a modern-day Wagner around who could do a three-day opera about such a grand subject.

It's delicious. I'm going to read a paragraph every half hour, to draw out the fun. It's too much all at once.

doyouwantfrankincensewiththat Thu 14-Dec-06 10:32:44

It didn't cost her anything in holidays surely - her pseudy travel articles pay for her delightful little sojourns in Tarn. nice work if you can get it.

SherlockLGJ Thu 14-Dec-06 10:33:02

I called Adrian's mobile. He was at a job interview, having recently been cut from his work as a private banker.

Does she mean fired. ???

EdieMcredie Thu 14-Dec-06 10:33:29

Beryl was still worthy enough of a mention, probably the ''loft kitchen'' that did it.

There were some awful spelling errors though

JackieNoHoHo Thu 14-Dec-06 10:39:48

I think it's just my mind, but I giggled when I read this in one of the other articles: "Now it's a handsome building with sculptor Antony Gormley's bollards outside."

Sorry about my puerile sense of humour.

doyouwantfrankincensewiththat Thu 14-Dec-06 10:41:18

I wonder if her work has ever had so much interest...I wonder if all Antony Gormley's work is bollards

greenday Thu 14-Dec-06 10:47:36

Who is she? What's her name? I couldn't find it in her article?

greenday Thu 14-Dec-06 10:48:49

Oh, having said that, juts realised the OP had provided her name.

Daisymisletoe Thu 14-Dec-06 11:16:28

I think my favourite bit is "We're not in a tent in Pakistan *or even* Brent council's temporary accomodation." That bit's got to be a bit ironic, surely?

Can we start a fan club?!

Troutpout Thu 14-Dec-06 11:17:39

She's a genius...coz she must be taking the piss .. She's parping herself...surely!
love it...shall we copy the whole thread and put it on her comments?

dara Thu 14-Dec-06 11:20:56

The typos are nothing to do with Ms Phillips. The hideous pretentiousness, melodrama and self-pity are all her own work though.

UnquietDad Thu 14-Dec-06 11:38:47

On "vomited across our floor" I came close, but this line was where I really lost it.

"In January, it was to have been shot for Homes & Property. On Saturday Ella is, no, that's was, having three friends for a birthday sleepover. I am crying as I write this."

And I was crying as I read this. With laughter. A real piss-take could not have been any funnier.

Jimjams2 Thu 14-Dec-06 11:47:11

I ROFL at the trauma therapist.

Thank you- this has cheered me up no end.

DINOsaurmummykissingsantaclaus Thu 14-Dec-06 11:48:15

"Adrian explained that there is only one hotel in London: Claridges."


dara Thu 14-Dec-06 11:49:09

You'd never tire of slapping her, would you?

expatinscotland Thu 14-Dec-06 11:49:18

Thanks for making me laugh through my miserable hangover and spew Irn Bru all over the keyboard.

LittleBoSheep Thu 14-Dec-06 11:56:24

Got as far as Antony Gormley's bollards and DS started asking "what is wrong Mummy, why are you laughing" (tears rolling down my face)

I hate to break this to you but quite a few of these middle class women ARE this self absorbed and pretentious.

When DS was taken in to hospital I remember calling to tell a client that hubby would not be able get to work for her as he was in hospital with him - her response "oh im so sorry - I will get my kitchen finished in time for christmas wont I?"

expatinscotland Thu 14-Dec-06 11:58:33

Sartre was right, 'Hell is other people.' Other people like this.

LittleBoSheep Thu 14-Dec-06 12:03:35

Had to laugh at the link for floating shelves underneath!!

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 12:13:42

oh i am SO glad you've all enjoyed Caroline's work... can you imagine being in her NCT group?
i'd never heard of her, tbh, until my pal mentioned this piece. (thanks dara for confirming that you've actually SEEN it in the Standard...)

but now i am an avid fan. anyone who sees any of her other piece, could they please link from now on? <says aitch, perched on her Ikea sofa glumly pondering the state of her own writing career. if only i had some floating American walnut shelves...>

Troutpout Thu 14-Dec-06 12:20:27

come on own up...who put the fantastic comment 'If only Beryls house had collapsed completely...we could have had a organic vegetable plot as well'

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve Thu 14-Dec-06 12:21:58

Well, it couldn't have happened to a nicer woman.

choosyfloosy Thu 14-Dec-06 12:22:30

'Then we heard that a fiftysomething man had suffered serious head injuries. With rising foreboding, we went from official to official, from Methodist Church Hall to the British Legion centre, to find out if it was our friend Chris Barker. It wasn't.'

wow she really knows how to build suspense - not

oh this HAS to be a windup even if it was in the evening standard. it really has to be.

Love the namechecking of the school. and the road.

MadamePlatypus Thu 14-Dec-06 12:27:36

surely its a spoof?

HumphreyCushiONtheFirstNoel Thu 14-Dec-06 12:30:01

I think we're in danger of turning this woman into a sleb; she'll have her own Channel 5 chat show by New Year - live from Claridges!

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 12:30:40

why would the Standard run a spoof so soon after the event? no spoof... it's completely consistent with her other writing. google for her if you don't believe...

greenday Thu 14-Dec-06 12:30:50

I have lost respect for the Evening Standard!!!!!

hoxtonchick Thu 14-Dec-06 12:31:18

this has really perked up my morning .

Festivefunfilledfennel Thu 14-Dec-06 12:32:09

oh, I can make a draining board out of snake-leashed sticks . I spent several guide camps learning how. had no idea it was going to be trendy one day.

fatwoman Thu 14-Dec-06 12:32:56

that means you must know what a snake-leashed stick is. and I got all the way to 36 without having even heard of them

Festivefunfilledfennel Thu 14-Dec-06 12:34:15

though my last post should have read "writes the former oxford-educated fennel".

wrappingpaperBOwZZAndribbons Thu 14-Dec-06 12:48:44

How funny.

It really reminded me of what junior school pupils would produce after a lesson on similes and metaphors and the use of adjectives - see how many you can stick in a single paragraph.

Juliet heard my cries through the thick Edwardian walls. "I thought they were the screams of a dying woman."

LOL - do you think Juliet is trying to tell her something - like why were you screaming like that when you are unhurt.

I will go home tonight and look with renewed appreciaton at my floating shelves - never mind that they are Ikea beech veneer, I can pretend.

wrappingpaperBOwZZAndribbons Thu 14-Dec-06 12:50:07

oops sorry last post was by Durham-educated-bozza, IT analyst.

Also why did they take the DDs back to see the house one at a time?

The apartheid thing was what clinched it for me. Classic. Because, of course, having to decamp from your damaged house is exactly the same as being forced to live in a racially-segregated township.

DingDongDraculaOnHigh Thu 14-Dec-06 13:01:48

Greenday - tell me you didn't have respect for the Evening Standard pleeeeeease

Well MY main concern is...

Do you think that film-producer Juliet Levy's parents thought that she had made a suitable match when she settled down with builder Nathan Brown? Imagine the rictus grins at the wedding from the parents of the bride

Honestly if I ever met this woman I would be forced to beat her to a pulp

fatwoman Thu 14-Dec-06 13:07:19

can we all change our names to our caroline phillips name. purlease. we have been know to play the 2 or 3-word journo description game and we love it (we went on holiday this year with wannabe guru, morgan-stanley banker, ad exec turned housewife, banker's wife and mother-of-2) it would have been so much more fun to do the Phillips versions.

OMG. When I first saw this thread I thought you were all being horrid, going on at a poor traumatised woman who had had her house destroyed in the tornado etc etc. Then I read the article.

What is a floating shelf anyway?

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 13:15:45

i liked the apartheid thing too, NQC... i'm pretty sure that when the townships were torched they dispossessed blacks were put up in the Soweto Hilton for the night. that, and the thought of the insurance assessor pausing briefly to admire her polished plaster as he packed them off to Claridges... unbelievable.

DeckthehallsLaDiDaDi Thu 14-Dec-06 13:16:58

A floating shelf is one where you can't see any brackets.

I have a lovely one from Ikea .

bundle Thu 14-Dec-06 13:17:37

bump for latecomers like me

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 13:17:48


Begone, pleb.

EniDeepMidwinter Thu 14-Dec-06 13:18:07


am emailing it to about a million people

I really hope she is stinkingly embarrassed

DingDongDraculaOnHigh Thu 14-Dec-06 13:18:12

our recording-studio owning record-producer neighbour Digby put some up last week in his house they look lovely.

ruty Thu 14-Dec-06 13:18:33

it has got to be a spoof. If it isn't the woman needs to have her possessions confiscated and sent to work at the nearest chain gang. A pitiful excuse for a human being. I'm with you moondog on the revolution.

DesperatelyUpset Thu 14-Dec-06 13:20:48

Don't you think that the fact that she needs to name drop and everything else shows how desperately insecure she is deep down?

I can't see anywhere that she has actually been nasty to anyone else. If she were to read this thread, she would be gutted I suspect.

EniDeepMidwinter Thu 14-Dec-06 13:21:42

its just so....shaming

the bit about Ciprianis made me snort coffee through my nose

wrappingpaperBOwZZAndribbons Thu 14-Dec-06 13:22:13

My DH put up our floaters with his own fair hand. And a few curses. Well I can't actually remember but since he has never been known to do any DIY without serial swearing it is a reasonable assumption.

So he can henceforth be known as Floating-Shelf-iInstalling-Bozza's-DH.

CambridgeeducatedGizmo Thu 14-Dec-06 13:22:36

Do you think I can live on Caroline's street now? Maybe in Beryls old loft kitchen?

And Fennel, please put me out of my misery re snake leashed draining boards

DingDongDraculaOnHigh Thu 14-Dec-06 13:22:40

when I am king she will be first against the wall
with her opinions which are of no consequence at all..

(ok queen)

My house is full of shelves with visible brackets - I'm so ashamed.

I trust her 11 year old is suitably embarrassed by the claim that her favourite toy is a pink fluffy rabbit.

wrappingpaperBOwZZAndribbons Thu 14-Dec-06 13:23:21

Or maybe DH's moniker should be prefixed with "former" because they have been there for years.

DingDongDraculaOnHigh Thu 14-Dec-06 13:23:34

poor Beryl

I bet she used to work in the local supermarket, she was salt of the earth
then all these cnuts moved into her street, real people moved out and she's stuck with them

UnquietDad Thu 14-Dec-06 13:23:42

bet she looks like this

Admit it, ladies - for all our faults, a bloke could never, EVER, have written this pile of shit.

EniDeepMidwinter Thu 14-Dec-06 13:24:05

clementines vomited across the floor

I cant believe I was too chicken shit to write articles

clearly they will pay for any old shite these days

greenday Thu 14-Dec-06 13:25:36

DDDracula - lol! you're right, I never cared for Evening Standard anyway. Shame on the editor for allowing such crappy piece of journalism.

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve Thu 14-Dec-06 13:26:10

No, UnquietDad, a bloke would have written an entirely different pile of shit

"Don't you think that the fact that she needs to name drop and everything else shows how desperately insecure she is deep down?"

Or was it just
"A need to be recognised when I'd almost been no longer."

Bet she was v proud of that immensely stylish sentence.

Can't get over 'I screamed with grief in the loo.'

ruty Thu 14-Dec-06 13:29:00

comparing her plight to both the holocaust and apartheid makes me think it has to be a spoof. no one could be that far up their arse, could they?

DesperatelyUpset Thu 14-Dec-06 13:29:20

They must have just been so thrilled to get an eyewitness view of the event from one of their usual journos.

Shame they didn't proof read it, but there you go.

DingDongDraculaOnHigh Thu 14-Dec-06 13:29:30

oh yes

blokes would have been

Fuck me I was in the shed when a bloody great tornado ripped the roof off.

Sharon from next door (her with the great tits) screamed so I comforted her while managing a sneak down her t-shirt

Then I though sod this and went to the pub for a few nerve-steadying pints. By the time I got home the wife had everything in hand, dinner on the table. Not such a bad day really.

belgo Thu 14-Dec-06 13:30:19

DingDongDraculaOnHigh - pmsl

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve Thu 14-Dec-06 13:31:04

Steady on , Dracula, didn't anyone tell you - only UnquietDad is allowed to make snidey sexist digs

PMSL Dracula.

bakedpotato Thu 14-Dec-06 13:33:55

I just dug the piece out of recycling. (It made me snort on Tues, thanks for the reminder, I must leave it out for DH.)
There'a a very styled pic of CP, pre-disaster, with kids and Douschka, simpering in the 'family room with its offwhite walls, stainless steel and sage-green stone surfaces', and in front of this group there's Adrian, doing a yogic-headstand. (Really.)
Then the 'after' shot. CP, grim-faced, in Tornado Chic, front of a kitchen counter, with a bit of broken glass on it. Oddly, all the lights seem to be working.

greenday Thu 14-Dec-06 13:37:43

OMIGOD!! Adrian doing a yogic-headstand!!!!! The plot thickens in murky stinky goop. You'll have to scan it for us to see.
And Doushka ... what a name for a dog!!!

UnquietDad Thu 14-Dec-06 13:38:16

WTF is/are Ciprianis?

DingDongDraculaOnHigh Thu 14-Dec-06 13:38:29

reminds me of douche-bag

DingDongDraculaOnHigh Thu 14-Dec-06 13:39:16

it's a restaurant

UnquietDad Thu 14-Dec-06 13:43:29

Please do a scan, I have to see the yogic headstand. Just when you think it can't get any funnier.

I like your blokes' version. Although i think we'd have been more concerned about the CD collection.

UnquietDad Thu 14-Dec-06 13:52:33

"A monstrous cloud of black smoke that spread the width of two three-storey houses and towered above them 200 feet away across our gardens was angrily blasting branches, missiles, bricks and branches into the air. With sudden terror, I realised that the "smoke" was moving towards me"

Do you think she may have been watching too much "Lost"?

JackieNoHoHo Thu 14-Dec-06 13:53:14

OK - Snake lashing here, about half way down. (googled with much trepidation, I have to say). And we used to make drainingn boards etc at guide camp too.

Willow2 Thu 14-Dec-06 13:54:58

Unquiet Dad - pmsl. She is Echo.

motherinfurrierfestivefrock Thu 14-Dec-06 13:58:11

And a bit of me is sooooooo envious that she got paid to write this drivel. I write incredible drivel. Does the Standard pay me, huh?

I particularly loved the way she passes over a newborn baby, a toddler, a bloke with schizophrenia, and so on because her effing sanctuary has been destroyed.

The Inferiority Complex can only be described as a sanctuary in the most technical, refugee-camp sense of the word.

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 14:00:53

i feel the same way, motherinferior... i am surveying the wreckage of my 'career' in light of the London Tornado...

if you google caroline phillips and tornado you can see that she wasn't lying about having spoken to every news organisation in the country. there's a photo of her on the bbc one. i've tried a link but it's not working. she's blonde and pritty, natch.

dara Thu 14-Dec-06 14:02:30

Beryl is my favourite character. When this is made into a film I want her played by Julie Walters, I think. With Hugh Grant as Useless Adrian.

foxinsocks Thu 14-Dec-06 14:02:47

desperatelyupset, the copy that's linked has been typed out by someone else I think rather than being copied and pasted (hence the spelling mistakes)

LittleSarah Thu 14-Dec-06 14:03:53

So what is the consensus? Real or piss-take? I mean I am with everyone who says surely it cannot be real but then again some people are incredibly self-absorbed. But do they have to be put in print?

wrappingpaperBOwZZAndribbons Thu 14-Dec-06 14:04:17

Actually unquietdad it reads remarkably like a man trying to take off a woman of that type.

motherinfurrierfestivefrock Thu 14-Dec-06 14:04:30

That's not a post-tornado pic, now, is it. Curiously reminiscent of Queen Mum poses.

dara Thu 14-Dec-06 14:05:20

It is real! It was in the Standard. Numerous people read it there. The Standard would not publish a satire on people who had lost their homes. And it is exactly the same as all her other journalism. And her side return extension was a bit spoiled.

foxinsocks Thu 14-Dec-06 14:06:38

mmm given how many interviews she gave, I can only imagine the first thing she thought of when her roof disappeared was the earning potential!

JackieNoHoHo Thu 14-Dec-06 14:07:26

To be fair, she may have given the interview to Reuters or someone who then put it out for other news agencies to pick up.

Medea Thu 14-Dec-06 14:09:26

It is one of the most embarrassing things I've ever read. I've never seen anything like this even in America. . . though you'd think I would have because the materialism & self-indulgence feels sort of American. But no: this is in its own category.

motherinfurrierfestivefrock Thu 14-Dec-06 14:09:36

And to be even fairer, I might just have considered writing about it myself had that happened to me.

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 14:10:05

let's not be fair, jackieno. she's a turd in fine jewels, she doesn't deserve it.

dara Thu 14-Dec-06 14:10:16

Yes, it is SO materialistic and greedy. Revolting.

motherinfurrierfestivefrock Thu 14-Dec-06 14:10:33

<looks around at office currently filled with pre-Christmas plus everyday debris>

foxinsocks Thu 14-Dec-06 14:10:46

no, I reckon she did a few different ones (not that there's anything wrong with that!).

It is a brilliant piss-take of herself you have to say.

RubberDuckWithCranberrySauce Thu 14-Dec-06 14:10:51

I still maintain that it's been done for the google ad hits - if someone had just wanted to share it they'd have written "hey look what I just read in the standard" and linked to it or just typed out choice bits. They wouldn't have written it as if it was them.

The typos and the fact that it's a direct copy from the newspaper says to me that it isn't the journo responsible putting it up on the net - for one thing it's a serious breach of copyright.

And just because it's published in a newspaper, doesn't mean it can't be a big bag of shite wind up - the sad fact is that more people write in to complain about an article than they do to agree with it. So an article which generates lots of complaints and derision will naturally be seen as more "successful".

JackieNoHoHo Thu 14-Dec-06 14:10:54

Yes, as I was typing 'to be fair' I was thinking 'But why should we?' .

Medea Thu 14-Dec-06 14:11:09

And I'm with you MI. . .my "sanctuary" is a squalid mess. So I can't even begin to relate.

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 14:11:24

but MI, i presume you can write...

i WILL NOT TOLERATE anyone being nice to this crapulous woman. it's my thread... i'll get it deleted if necessary.

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 14:13:18

rubberduck, i have explained the provenance. you are wrong.
there are plenty of people who saw it in the standard, it was not published as a piss-take.

foxinsocks Thu 14-Dec-06 14:14:05

just because it was published, doesn't mean it wasn't a piss take though

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 14:14:20

and if anyone could be bothered finding a link to the standard then we could stop using my friend's link. it was his pal who typed it out, as i have explained.

dara Thu 14-Dec-06 14:14:42

Rubberduck, I read it in the standard. It is not a blog, it is not a pisstake.

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve Thu 14-Dec-06 14:15:41

LOL at "crapulous woman"

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 14:16:00

WHY exactly would the Evening Standard publish a double-spread piss-take with photos the day after a tornado hits Kensal Rise?
Private Eye, yes. Evening Standard, no. anyway, it's completely consistent with all her other writing, available online.

dara Thu 14-Dec-06 14:16:28

Gah, of course it isn't a pisstake. What, a najor local paper sees this big and horrible event has happened with people made homeless, including very old people, so publishes a strange feature to make fun of them, without even making clear it is a satire? Of course not! Caroline Phillips writes like this all the time. It happened to her house. What's not to believe?

motherinfurrierfestivefrock Thu 14-Dec-06 14:16:55

D'you know, I've just re-read it and there are two toddlers she passes over, as well as the baby, and also a bloke who'd survived the Hatfield rail crash (the film or ad bloke, can't face re-reading it). As well as a woman of 90. And the bloke with schizophrenia.

If I were writing such a piece I kind of hope I'd mention these in a bit more detail. Not just for the humanity angle but because they're the story, in many ways.

bakedpotato Thu 14-Dec-06 14:17:10

They're a bit blurry, but I've just taken 2 digital pics of this feature to prove it exists (am a bit stressed, this is the first time I've wrestled with the d-camera, but needs must). The gist is definitely gettable -- as is headstand.
I could email it to someone more competant, could it go in member profiles?

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve Thu 14-Dec-06 14:17:41

I don't think it even reads as a pisstake tbh. There are plenty of people this odious, the trendy districts of London are crawling with 'em. A pisstake wouldn't have been half as funny.

foxinsocks Thu 14-Dec-06 14:19:04

yes, exactly, she always writes in that sort of style - the 'come on take the piss out of me' style

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 14:20:02

if you google her name and tornado, you can see that if it is a pisstake then it's one that reuters, cnn, the bbc, the guardian, the indy etc etc etc all got taken in my as they've all quoted her.

MI, are you mad? caroline is the story... will we get updates on her dealings with lark insurance services? i do hope so.

Dateline Claridges... a refugee speaks...

UnquietDad Thu 14-Dec-06 14:22:50

Blimey. She seems to have been so shaken by the event that she has simply had to rush out and speak to every newspaper and news organisation bar Pig-Breeders' Weekly.

No, don't think a man could ever write it, not even as a piss-take. I mean, I had to google Cath Kiston or whatever her name is.

doyouwantfrankincensewiththat Thu 14-Dec-06 14:24:40

very disappointed in her neighbours house on the news just now - not a sign of polished plaster or floating shelves..

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 14:25:15

as someone who was nearly no longer, she had to speak to them to confirm her very vitality... or something like that. i think the genius that is craig brown could copy her style, but no other man on earth.

ruty Thu 14-Dec-06 14:25:16

The only thing that heartens me about this whole stupid thing is that her husband adrian is 'between jobs' as it were. As should she. the Evening Standard is odious.

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 14:26:07

pmsl doyouwantfries...

Oh, come on, MI, if you were to write about this sort of thing, it'd either be funny on purpose, or not funny (but good).

I don't think there's anything wrong with a journo writing about something newsworthy that happened to them! It's the mind-bogglingly self-centred insanity of this piece that's ludicrous.

It does seem American, somehow, but lots worse. I think we (ok, I) expect Brits to have a sense of perspective, and a bit of self-mockery.

ruty Thu 14-Dec-06 14:26:35

as should she be i mean.

noddyholder Thu 14-Dec-06 14:26:58

my favourite is 'the side return exploded!'Bloody hell it is one of the funniest things I have ever read and am still unsure if it isn't even slightly tongue in cheek

bakedpotato Thu 14-Dec-06 14:33:36

(Please can I email adrian's headstand to someone?
I've tried member profiles but it won't work)

I know an elderly Beryl who lives in Kensal Rise/Willesden Green.She lives in Staverton Road though which I didn't think was a
affected. She is south african and quite chippy and would certainly tell CP to eff off.She has a dog and still smokes like a trooper.Certainly adds colour to the up and coming area
What do you reckon, could it be her, Beryl.
She has a whole house thoughand would you put your kitchen in the loft if this was the case.

suedonim Thu 14-Dec-06 14:35:32

That's the funniest 'Round Robin' I've read so far this year!

motherinfurrierfestivefrock Thu 14-Dec-06 14:35:45

I'd bungle it, BP. Madly.

taylormama Thu 14-Dec-06 14:36:09

"The Apocalypse was not all bad" - well that is alright then - honestly everytime i read this there is another gem to be found

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 14:37:09

i don't know how to do them, bp, sorry. i know stgeorge is good at them.

ruty Thu 14-Dec-06 14:44:52

dying to see that photo but have no idea how to do member profiles.

doyouwantfrankincensewiththat Thu 14-Dec-06 14:48:56

the message I shall take away from this thread is , don't worry if the house is a mess because a tornado might hit tomorrow & it would be much more traumatic if you'd made an effort to tidy first.

bakedpotato Thu 14-Dec-06 14:49:38

I've sent it to contactus@mumsnet, in a fit of festive optimism

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 14:50:55

once again, pmsl at doyou...

that's the spirit of the blitz talking, right there...

Donbean Thu 14-Dec-06 14:51:10

OMG Catherine Tate...goosberry and cinamon Yogurt any one!!!

What a knob. Are there REALY people like this out there????

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell Thu 14-Dec-06 14:53:57

I can only hope to write like that one day, she is an inspiration to all.

DINOsaurmummykissingsantaclaus Thu 14-Dec-06 14:55:12

One of my neighbours writes for the Evening Standard. I'll have to ask him what he thinks of Ms Phillips.

expatinscotland Thu 14-Dec-06 14:58:21

You all are so harsh and unsupportive!

I mean, is no one allowed to moan about their misfortune now?

She's got a lot on her plate just now! How dare you all judge her!

C'mon, where are all the Righteous Indignation posters when you need 'em?

HumphreyCushiONtheFirstNoel Thu 14-Dec-06 14:59:47

I've been deeply disappointed by the lack of misplaced moral outrage on this thread too, Expat!

UnquietDad Thu 14-Dec-06 15:00:36

You do all know that Claridge's STARTS at £259 per night plus VAT... don't you?

What kind of insurance assessor is going to send them there?? One she's secretly knocking off, maybe?

expatinscotland Thu 14-Dec-06 15:01:02

I think we should invite her to the gift swap .

UnquietDad Thu 14-Dec-06 15:02:32

sod the gift swap, get her on here doing a Q&A.

"Caroline, what's the best way of fixing up a floating shelf?"

"I need to know, Caroline, how DID you find such an excellent trauma specialist?"

CouldEquallyHaveBeenAnAardvark Thu 14-Dec-06 15:39:44


CouldEquallyHaveBeenAnAardvark Thu 14-Dec-06 15:41:32

I want to send her a Good Hotels Guide. I'll post it to Claridge's pronto.

I'm glad people like this exist though. We do need people to POSL at, surely?

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 14-Dec-06 15:47:28

bad news, hunker... i'm afraid moondog means to have her first against the wall when the revolution comes. i think that's next tuesday... she's been a little sketchy with the details, element of surprise and all that.

ruty Thu 14-Dec-06 15:50:32

oh yes, the trauma specialist. I would like to think the session went a bit like this 'Dear God you stupid woman pull yourself together and start putting things in perspective.' Anything else would be a tragic waste of money.

Festivefunfilledfennel Thu 14-Dec-06 15:51:31

Snakeleashed stick draining board.

(otherwise known as: activities for pubescent girls to keep their minds wholesomely off drugs, boys and other unsavoury teenage pursuits)

Go to guide camp.
Find 4 long sticks to go upright, lash together with 4 shorter sticks to go horizontal. That's the frame for your camp "sink". Lash a stick across the middle. Half the frame should now hold your washing up bowl (this can be pre-bought, not carved from wood). For the other half: get lots of similar width sticks about a foot long. use snake lashing (a sort of weaving with string, in and out so the string goes under one stick and over the next) to tie them all together into a draining board. Lash to the sink frame. et voila, snakelashed draining board. Now do lots of washing up.

If bored, make bed rack. Washing Tripod. Shoe rack. wellie holders. hat stand. book stand. ad nauseum.

If very bored, leave guides and get a life.

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 15:54:26

I need to draw your attention to the fact that I have seen this. I am shocked, horrified and terribly, terribly hurt that a group of mothers like myself could be so unsympathetic.

ScreamingWithGriefintheLoo Thu 14-Dec-06 15:55:21

I can't believe you are all being so horrible to me. It's not my fault if I have high standards.

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 15:55:27

I may have to ring Room Service to get them to bring me a brandy.

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 15:56:10

who on earth are you, screamingwithgrief? are you taking the mickey?

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve Thu 14-Dec-06 15:58:38

I soooooo want CP to be genuine... please convince me, it would make my day

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 16:03:16

I don't understand. My friend rang me on my mobile and told me about this site. I've never been here before, but I find that you are all saying terrible things about me and my family. Why is it so unusual that my husband practices yoga, he needs to de-stress in his job.
I'm amazed, disgusted and a little tearful that you find the subject of homelessness so amusing.

foxtrottothefestivegrotto Thu 14-Dec-06 16:03:46

"terribly hurt that a group of mothers like myself could be so unsympathetic"
Raise your hands, all mothers like herself!

PrincessPeaHead Thu 14-Dec-06 16:04:54

If she is such a namedropping social climber, why on earth is she admitting to living in kensal rise?

and her husband adrian - a private banker hahahaha
all private bankers are thick as pigshit. especially the ones who can only earn enough for a maisonette in norf lunnon (mieow)

If I met her I'd hate her, I think.

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 16:08:26

What can I have done to deserve such name-calling, such vitriol? There are some very pretty parts of Kensal.

UnquietDad Thu 14-Dec-06 16:08:56

Have you sold the film rights yet, CP?

SCREAMING WITH GRIEF: One woman's bourgeois tornado martyrdom.

It was an ordinary day for Kensal Rise writer Caroline Phillips. She was looking forward to polishing the American walnut floating shelf, feeding her dog, Douschka, and settling down in her sanctuary at her hand-rolled teak writing-desk to finish off a couple of articles before enjoying a tryst with hunky yogic builder Nathan.

But Caroline's day was about to turn into a nightmare - after which her side return, polished plaster walls and limestone floor would never be the same again.

SCREAMING WITH GRIEF is a journey to the heart of the emotional cyclone, a voyage into the swirling black smoke of despair. GASP as Caroline's Cath Kidston covers are cruelly RIPPED from her children's beds by the savage force of Nature, and CHEER as she saves her media friends from death and destruction while carefully patronising working-class folk of the borough.

Joanna Lumley as CAROLINE
Max Beesley as ADRIAN
Victoria Shalet as VANESSA'S NANNY
Bouncer as DOUSCHKA

[Some mild peril and lacerated rosebud blinds.]

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve Thu 14-Dec-06 16:09:04

Well, if you will write pretentious class-bound nonsense capitalising on what was actually quite a significant misfortune for those not covered by Lark Insurance.....

<<wanders off, tittering>>

taylormama Thu 14-Dec-06 16:09:34

you only think you would hate her - i would definitly hate her should i run into her ... altho she is probably hiding out at Claridges until she can get some new clothes to replace her tornado chic jumpers

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve Thu 14-Dec-06 16:09:47

OK UD, that's bloody funny

taylormama Thu 14-Dec-06 16:10:26

noooooo - Liz Hurley to play CP surely???

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 16:11:47

I'm crying now

dara Thu 14-Dec-06 16:11:58

Love Joanna Lumley (maybe a bit too old) but NOT Max Beesley. Too gritty and Northern. It has to be Hugh Grant. Liz Smith spot on. Could Emma Thompson get the Caroline role? I can see her screaming under a desk.

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve Thu 14-Dec-06 16:12:08

So are we

ImaVeryMerryChristmasFairy Thu 14-Dec-06 16:12:21

You've got a point TM - Caroline can't right, Liz can't act...perfect!!!
UnquietDad - genius!!!

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve Thu 14-Dec-06 16:12:48

Who was that bint who played Sally on Drop the Dead Donkey? She'd make a good CP.

foxtrottothefestivegrotto Thu 14-Dec-06 16:12:57

Why didn't she go clothes shopping? Are her poor DDs wearing school uniform night and day, I wonder?

dara Thu 14-Dec-06 16:13:17

I like the fact that the cat was (ahem) fine all along too. Nobody died, not even the cat. Only the walnut shelf bit the dust.

ImaVeryMerryChristmasFairy Thu 14-Dec-06 16:13:26

And I can't write either
You've got a point TM - Caroline can't write, Liz can't act...perfect!!!
UnquietDad - genius!!!

expatinscotland Thu 14-Dec-06 16:14:54

Cath Kidston makes carpets?

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 16:22:42

I have been clothes shopping all day, actually. It has been very difficult, what with the crowds of shiny-faced Christmas shoppers bustling around me, anxious to buy the perfect presents for their families while I struggled to find replacements for my childrens' swimming costumes so that we can go on holiday and forget about this nightmare.

expatinscotland Thu 14-Dec-06 16:24:45

Headed someplace warm, Caroline?

Don't forget the suncream. You don't want to add to your stress w/a nasty burn and the increased possibility of skin cancer.

UnquietDad Thu 14-Dec-06 16:25:06

I do hope you are going somewhere nice where only people who work as Steiner teachers,yogic teachers and fundraisers for the Conservative party would go.

Camping again?
Don't forget to take the nanny.

choosyfloosy Thu 14-Dec-06 16:25:26

Not quite, expat. she judges carpets.

UnquietDad Thu 14-Dec-06 16:27:22

"The panel comprised internationally renowned interior designers Nina Campbell and Cath Kidston; actress and property expert Fiona Fullerton; Brian Viner, columnist with The Independent; Sir Nicholas Lloyd, former editor of the Daily Express; John Duncan, chairman of the Carpet Foundation and Paul Phillips of Sunniva Carpeting."

Since when did Fiona Fullerton get promoted to "property expert" from "bit part actress with fantastic norks"?

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 16:28:00

Why are you all being so cruel? I wouldn't berate you if you lost your homes. I feel that my family has suffered enough through all this. Douschka and Happy have had to be tranquilised at the kennels, they are so frightened.

foxtrottothefestivegrotto Thu 14-Dec-06 16:28:23

It would be a nice gesture to take Beryl with you on holiday, non?

bakedpotato Thu 14-Dec-06 16:28:36
expatinscotland Thu 14-Dec-06 16:28:36

Oh, where was Happy then?

UnquietDad Thu 14-Dec-06 16:29:23

Put newspaper down on the floor if you do take Beryl.

I have decided to believe CarolinePhillips is real. She's nearly as much fun as ScrummyMummy or whatever her name is (where is she anyway?).

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 16:31:38

We don't know where he was, only that when he returned he began the process of mending my daughters' broken hearts. Before he went to the cat and dog temporary accomodation.

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 16:32:51

Oh I really don't believe it. You are putting up copies of the article now. Is there no end to your inhumanity?

taylormama Thu 14-Dec-06 16:34:42

bakedpotato - truly that has made my year - that hideous rictus grin that CP is sporting as she watches her beloved Adrian doing his Yogic headstand has made me vomit my clemtines over the kitchen floor ....

foxtrottothefestivegrotto Thu 14-Dec-06 16:34:43

Do Claridges not permit pets then?
Well done baked potato - i am a little concerned that the fruit bowl seems to have its full complement of clemetines though...

ediemcreedie Thu 14-Dec-06 16:35:45

She is rather fat.

taylormama Thu 14-Dec-06 16:35:46

clementines ...

UnquietDad Thu 14-Dec-06 16:35:56

I wonder what this will do for Kensal Rise property prices? They might have all sorts being able to afford to move in. People without insurance, freshly-painted doors, nannies or TV producer friends. It will be ghastly.

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 16:35:59

I wouldn't even eat a baked potato, never mind converse online with one. My nutritionist (who also attends to Elizabeth Hurley, since you ask) tells me that they promote bloating and of little value. Again, why are you behaving like this to me, a fellow mother?

taylormama Thu 14-Dec-06 16:36:56

liz hurley would never play a fat person in a film - didn't she say once she would kill herself if she was as "fat" as marilyn monroe - Unquietdad - a cast re-think is required please

DingDongDraculaOnHigh Thu 14-Dec-06 16:38:57

can i just be a little dull and point out that things like calling people fat have landed us in hot water before...

tortoiseBells Thu 14-Dec-06 16:39:16

What was with the scientology/tornado bit at the end? Tell me she wasn't implying that because there was a tornado there in the fifties, the scientologists summoned it, so she'll have to leave to avoid further 'apocalypses' by the scientologists....!!!!!!

foxtrottothefestivegrotto Thu 14-Dec-06 16:40:13

i hope the clementines (ta taylormama!) had leaves a la last night's nigella, otherwise they don't deserve to be called christmas clementines, they are just bog standard ones.

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 16:41:17

Are you a Scientologist, taylormama? That would explain a lot.

taylormama Thu 14-Dec-06 16:42:29

yes CP i am - me and Tom Cruise are best friends

bakedpotato Thu 14-Dec-06 16:42:39

Even E. Hurley would look a bit bulky in four jumpers.
I'm sure CP's are very expensive ones, too.

tortoiseBells Thu 14-Dec-06 16:42:41
CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 16:45:07

If you have bothered to look at the photos you will see that I am an ordinary working woman. I was wearing four sweaters in that shot because my own clothes were underneath what remains of my side return where they had been waiting for the cleaner to come and iron them. I appreciate that the sweaters do not flatter my figure, but I cannot understand why my predicament has attracted such vile comments.

EniDeepMidwinter Thu 14-Dec-06 16:46:56

(wake me up when she finishes talking about it...zzzzzzzzzz..........)

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 16:50:02

Well the BBC were very interested in me, Enideepmidwinter, even if you aren't. I had a call today from a senior producer to check that I am okay. That is the sort of small, unasked kindness I am accustomed to receiving.

lulumama Thu 14-Dec-06 16:51:48

scientology......there's a tangent.......

and no , she isn't..........she is averse to vomited clementines, tis all...

ClementClarkeMoore Thu 14-Dec-06 16:52:25

Twiglett unveil yourself!

'waiting for the cleaner to come and iron' like that would be relevant information.

UnquietDad Thu 14-Dec-06 16:52:26

Who would you like to play you in the film, CP?

(She is either real or very convincing.)

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve Thu 14-Dec-06 16:53:40

Hmmm, I don't think it's that convincing, sadly. It would be so cool if it really was her

ClementClarkeMoore Thu 14-Dec-06 16:54:19

She's a 'shiny-faced' mumsnetter!

expatinscotland Thu 14-Dec-06 16:54:22

Let's hash out how the audition's going to go!

Director: Your lines, please.

Candidate: Erm. Oh. Erm. No wait, don't tell me.

'Duck, Magnum! Duck!'

tortoiseBells Thu 14-Dec-06 16:54:39

But, am I right in thinking she 'can't risk living there anymore' because of the scientologists and the risk of them summoning further tornadoes?

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 16:58:42

aaah fuckaaff you bunch of unsympathetic bastards... it's not that easy you know. i've got better things to be doing that pretending to be a po-faced chubby blonde hackette for your entertainment. and i even used capitals and everything.

ClementClarkeMoore Thu 14-Dec-06 17:00:40


SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve Thu 14-Dec-06 17:01:19

No, I would have held out much longer than that

foxtrottothefestivegrotto Thu 14-Dec-06 17:01:30

if the real CP does show up she won't be able to use her own name. how will we know 'tis her?

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 17:01:48

although i reserve the right to come back and make further appearances as Caroline... what about a Caroline vs Xenia face-off at the Not Of This WOrld Olympics?

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 17:02:22

you would, greeny, you would.

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve Thu 14-Dec-06 17:03:04

I'm sure "homelesshorsefacedhack" is still available

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 17:03:50


SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve Thu 14-Dec-06 17:05:14

Or "HACKchetface"

foxtrottothefestivegrotto Thu 14-Dec-06 17:08:55

or 'VomitedClementines'

DizzyBinterWonderland Thu 14-Dec-06 17:17:27

OMG just seen this! thanks aitch, very funny!

TooTickyDoves Thu 14-Dec-06 17:44:28

But how did she manage to fit so much designer furniture up her own arse? (This is where she lives, isn't it?)

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 17:47:50

it's quite a big arse, to be fair.

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve Thu 14-Dec-06 17:48:28


NotAnOtter Thu 14-Dec-06 17:53:09


lostinfrance Thu 14-Dec-06 17:55:33

i love you ALL. god you lot are funny and clever and make me weep with laughter. thank god for mumsnet. and caroline phillips!

JackieNoHoHo Thu 14-Dec-06 18:02:06

This is just the most brilliant thread. I am, however, getting a bit of a 'She Who Must Not Be Named' vibe...

Troutpout Thu 14-Dec-06 18:20:27

pmsl at 'Cath kidston makes carpets?'
How could this have got past mumsnet?

doyouwantfrankincensewiththat Thu 14-Dec-06 18:20:47

but surely fair comment is a defence to libel?

spewedsatsumas Thu 14-Dec-06 18:59:50

As I motioned for the liveried Phillipino to shut the loo door, my hardened exterior crumbled. Yes, I was in the Cipriani enjoying a bellini, but the bruised peaches that had given up their juices to create my cocktail only served to remind me of the blood that had seeped from that fifty year old blokes head (thank God we didn't know him and he wasn't a member of the meeja) and, more importantly, the power that had seeped from my brutally crushed Imac. I screamed, silently and then, remembering Adrian's mantra, practised the lotus position until I had regained my calm.

treacletart Thu 14-Dec-06 18:59:59

not mentioning She who Must Not be Named but seems our Caroline's a Controlled Crying fan too...
<lights blue touch paper and runs for cover>

EniDeepMidwinter Thu 14-Dec-06 19:02:05

spewedsatsumas Thu 14-Dec-06 19:08:52

It's also extremely hard to punctuate when you are in downward dog. My apologies.

doyouwantfrankincensewiththat Thu 14-Dec-06 19:12:43

and for bonus points you can see your own bum in downward dog. sun shining?

wickedwinterwitch Thu 14-Dec-06 19:19:11

pmsl at this thread, thanks for making me laugh.

wheresthehamster Thu 14-Dec-06 19:50:48

You lot are just so funny. I'm crying with laughter here.

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 20:15:32

at spewedsatsumas.

spewedsatsumas Thu 14-Dec-06 20:38:35

Caroline, surely you meant, "I screamed with grief at spewedsatsuma"?

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home," I whispered to myself as, clutching Douchebag our dog, I tapped my Manolo heels three times. The room seemed to whirl around my head as I fell out of Virabhadrasana II (that's warrior pose for all you peasants) my chakras having been shot to pieces since they were exposed to the karmic spin cycle that was the eye of the storm. Hesitantly, I opened my eyes but there was not a twee rose bud, nor a retro cowboy print in sight. Just the arctic white of cool, crisp Frette bed linen - the bed's 'nursery corners' as sharp as the shards of glass that had ripped the stuffing out of our own.

And at that moment I knew.

Andrew was so right about Claridges.

Leslaki Thu 14-Dec-06 20:51:54

FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!! pmsl at work - evreyone looking at me! how hilarious - you need to keep us updated!

CarolinePhillips Thu 14-Dec-06 21:10:56

spewedsatsumas, clearly you think you are quite the parodist, but all i would say is that with the exception of Douschka's name you've pretty much hit the nail on the head there. I, Caroline Phillips, am beyond satire.

doyouwantfrankincensewiththat Thu 14-Dec-06 21:30:25

warrior pose in Manolos? I'm beginnning to doubt you're genuine

Lio Thu 14-Dec-06 21:33:19

Hooray for Mumsnet!

spewedsatsumas Thu 14-Dec-06 22:02:58

Frankincense - rather like Power Rangers' stunts, Manolos and warrior poses should only be undertaken by highly trained professionals. But I have been lucky enough to have been taken under the wing (and behind the skip whilst the extension was being built, but that's another story) of Neville Shyster-Leigh, 42, an ex-Lloyds name turned yogic master and meridian tapper extraordinaire.

I am as genuine as a Jo Malone tuberose parfum.

I feel the flowers.

tigermoth Thu 14-Dec-06 23:32:54

Thinking of homes and tornadoes, anyone remember the old Jif TV ads - a spry scottish woman brandishing a bottle of jif telling us it cleaned like a white torando. A perfect gift for Caroline, perhaps.

And please can we invite her on mumsnet for a live chat?

And do you think she will soon be writing articles on how the tornado helped her to declutter her home and her life?

This thread had me hooked at work. But did someone say they had linked it on Caroline's blog page....take cover!

UnquietDad Thu 14-Dec-06 23:41:05

Just read it again. Even funnier the fifth time.


"Neighbours Sunil Vijayakar and Geraldine Larkin have been told to throw away ALL their possessions, filled as they are with shards of glass."

WHY are we not told what these people do for a living? Is it possible they are a social worker and a bank-clerk and she doesn't want to let on?

doyouwantfrankincensewiththat Fri 15-Dec-06 10:47:34

Sunil & Geraldine should submit their possessions for the next Turner Prize - not sure what they'd title it though...

doyouwantfrankincensewiththat Fri 15-Dec-06 10:48:08

spewed clementines would be good title maybe?

spewedsatsumas Fri 15-Dec-06 11:21:18

What's wrong with spewedsatsumas (TM)?

doyouwantfrankincensewiththat Fri 15-Dec-06 11:37:49

but clementines are much more middle class don't you think??

spewedsatsumas Fri 15-Dec-06 11:50:40

Tbh, have never considered the class values of citrus fruit until now.

UD - love the film.

averymerrymonkeymooXmastoyou Fri 15-Dec-06 12:06:30

Not read the whole thread but what pretentious shit written for the red top masses.

When did we turn into such a sentimental and stupid country??

doyouwantfrankincensewiththat Fri 15-Dec-06 12:16:50

clementines - definitely middle class

satsumas - working class citrus fruit I'm sure

mandarins - fallen out of favour so probably a bit aspirational - choose them if you want to be a bit Oh Jemima you must try these mandarins, such a nostalgic flavour...

lemons - classless

limes - classless

oranges - classless (but the upper classes have someone to peel theirs)

grapefruit - ditto

Kumquats -middle class

& other obscure jobbies like Uglis etc - for people who try too hard -- (middle class)

HoHoHorsewoman Fri 15-Dec-06 12:22:29

I think you are all being a bit unfair on poor Caroline. I mean, floating walnut shelves can be very difficult to replace, and what if the Cath Kidston carpet has been discontinued. Noooooooooo! I can hear the screaming now (Do they allow screaming at Claridges?) Hope they are well-stocked with gooseberry and cinnamon yogurt....

Truly brightened up my day! Off now to clean up my Focus Do It All kitchen and polish my avocado bathroom suite inherited from the three stable girls who used to inhabit my oasis of calm and luxury.

donnie Fri 15-Dec-06 12:47:51

get it into the A level syllabus as an unseen prose analysis NOW.

what if she'd been caught up in Hurricane Katrina? the mind boggles....

I thought for a long time before I wrote this. This is very funny, and I found myself crying with laughter when I read it first but I now find myself getting angry, and I really need to vent. It's only "stuff" after all, albeit expensive, name dropping stuff. I mean, even the sodding cat, turned out to be alright.

This week, the father of a close friend at work has died, and we have just found out that a near relative (mum of 3 in her mid 40s) has less than a year to live. Not very articleworthy I grant you, but more of a tragedy than having to stay in Claridges because some freak of nature has meant your sanctuary has been violated.

These things aren't Caroline's responsibility, I suppose she is just doing her job, but the shallowness of "screaming with grief" because of stuff is just sticking in my throat at the moment.

Pruni Fri 15-Dec-06 20:15:05

Message withdrawn

Jimjams2 Fri 15-Dec-06 20:17:16

did you clock on the comments bit, they don't show unless you click. There were about 16 the other day.

Pruni Fri 15-Dec-06 20:18:20

Message withdrawn

tamum Fri 15-Dec-06 20:18:21

What is a floating shelf anyway? It sounds spectacularly impractical.

Jimjams2 Fri 15-Dec-06 20:22:47

screws straight into the wall- no brackets.

Jimjams2 Fri 15-Dec-06 20:25:14

here although I expect our friend caroline wouldn't find this example particularly stylish.

tamum Fri 15-Dec-06 20:26:20

That ruined my mental Harry Potter-like image of them

Jimjams2 Fri 15-Dec-06 20:29:47

you can get ones that look likes books, so if you put books on top it looks like all your books are floating! Now where did I see that.....

MrsMillsletoe Fri 15-Dec-06 21:58:01

This was how it was reported in Holy Moly -

Chin-Chin Up

Remember when Grandma told her stories about the war? It was all about the Spirit of the Blitz and how communities united in a common cause against adversity because they were determined, despite the loss of their houses and every possession, to carry on and fight for what they believed in.

Well, Grandma can fuck off. If you want to see real suffering, don't bother with the war, or the hundreds of thousands killed in Rwanda in the 90s. Turn around genocide in Bosnia, you're not welcome here. The forced starvation of thousands of Zimbabweans as we type? Don't make us laugh, you whining maggots.

THIS is real suffering, with a human face.

It was probably typed (sobs) on a borrowed laptop! Why do they have to be so bloody brave?

There were clementines on the limestone floor, you heartless bastard!

MerrilyTooBuzzi Fri 15-Dec-06 22:00:10

god that was worth a scroll . LOL.

Troutpout Sat 16-Dec-06 09:44:52

ooh all the comments (and the brilliant caravan spoof) have all gone.

Hooter Sat 16-Dec-06 13:13:30

for the caravan spoof, go to

JackieNoHoHo Sat 16-Dec-06 14:28:53

Loving the caravan spoof (here ).

littlelapin Mon 18-Dec-06 11:09:35

Oh, thank god, Sunil and Geraldine are OK too.. although deeply concerned that the chomney from Beryl's roof may drop onto food-stylist-and-writer-Sunil's library of precious food books...

Geraldine's a "textile designer in her late thirties who works for couture fashion houses", so worthy of CP's friendship one assumes...

Mummy, our house has blown away, and where's the cat? From the Times

JackieNoHoHo Mon 18-Dec-06 11:15:33

Oh no - not his precious food books .

Anchovy Mon 18-Dec-06 11:40:34

Thank God he is a "write and food stylist" and she is a "textile designer".

I liked the bit "As we are talking, Caroline Phillips, a 47-year-old writer from two doors down, arrives with her 11-year-old daughter Anya to swap war stories." I just bet she did! Can you imagine a journalist in the vicinity and not talking to her - like the way she muscles them out for the rest of the story.

I thought that Geraldine and Sunil had been told to throw away ALL of their possessions - why are they coming back for a toothbrush? <Bemused emoticon>

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Mon 18-Dec-06 12:52:08

it's sounding more and more like an act of god, isn't it? i think he just wanted to wipe all these utterly useless people out, like Douglas Adams and the spaceship full of telephone sanitisers.

dara Mon 18-Dec-06 13:31:08

“I just feel kind of numb. You couldn’t anticipate it, you couldn’t do anything about it. It’s just bricks and mortar and you have to move on.”

Well, exactly.

MrsArchieTheInventor Mon 18-Dec-06 13:45:58

After reading the first two paragraphs I couldn't be bothered to waste any more time carrying on with the rest of this conceited bilge. Caroline Phillips is a twunt. No offence love.

Twinkie1 Mon 18-Dec-06 13:47:44

How she can compare it to an aeroplane crashing into the side of her building is beyond me.

God I wonder how she reacts when someone dies or is seriously ill or she has to deal with problems involving real people???

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Mon 18-Dec-06 13:52:41

actually it's well worth it, archie, it's hilarious.

and twinkie... didn't you see, she has an excellent trauma therapist on permanent standby for just such these events.

MrsArchieTheInventor Mon 18-Dec-06 14:01:26

She just reminded me of a Catherine Tate character - the overbearing mother who lives in a completely different world to the rest of us who thinks she's going to die if she eats a tofu, cinnamon and gooseberry yogurt that's one day past it's sell by date and who tells her children not to panic because she's accidentally taken a wrong turn in her armoured Range Rover and is driving through... Totten ham!!

What planet does she live on??!! My god!!

bakedpotato Mon 18-Dec-06 14:02:08

I had to share the original feature with my sister, who then recognised CP as someone she has passed on Hampstead Heath with daughters and Douschka. She clocked CP bcs she was rather conspicuous with a loud voice.

Someone has posted on my picturetrail saying the upsidedown man is not Adrian, but her builder , and the pic had appeared in an earlier property piece. (The caption definitely says it's Adrian.)

MrsArchieTheInventor Mon 18-Dec-06 14:22:49

I feel sorry for the poor saps at the British Legion who had to share a room with her and listen to her drone on about her 'fragrant cream and lavender garden with its climbing roses, ancient apple and pear trees, camellias and jasmine'.

Dorothy my arse.

Rosiepop Mon 18-Dec-06 16:05:31

Oh my. I've never read such self absorbed twaddle. What a silly cow.

This is a section from her delightful article about Tarn...

"There are also cafes for that leisurely Pernod; bistros for steak- frites; Villefranche market where nuns stand in the shadow of the church selling convent-made damson jam; where foie gras de canard is piled high; where farmers with gnarled hands sell misshapen red peppers, trays of nectarines that taste as they should, Toulouse sausages, farm-pressed cassis juice and plump fresh goats' cheese"

"Leisurely pernod"!? "nectarines that taste as they should"? Eh? How else should a nectarine taste?

icebat Mon 18-Dec-06 16:21:41

Have just read through whole of this thread in tears. Can you believe someone could be that far up their own arsehole?

One thing is bothering me though and so far no-one seems to have the answer - were the clementines organic?!!

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Mon 18-Dec-06 16:39:34

ROFL icebat.

HoHoHorsewoman Mon 18-Dec-06 16:56:55

However hard she tries (and boy is she trying hard!) she's never going to win any awards for journalism, is she? She writes like a posh sixth-former, all cliched descriptions and pretentiousness. I wonder what the gnarled-handed farmers would say about their characterisation.

HoHoHorsewoman Mon 18-Dec-06 17:00:32

Mis-shapen? Mis shapen ? How could you dscribe my perfect peppers as mis-shapen, you stoopid facking Engleesh cow. Zey are supposed to look like Zat, zut alors! (rolls eyes)

Apologies to any of our French friends for the crude stereotype!

zookeeper Mon 18-Dec-06 17:29:09

It's made my day lol lol lol lol !!!! It has reaffirmed my faith in God - I would have sent a tornado to her too

lionheart Mon 18-Dec-06 17:39:05

"Emergency services treated people for shock, kicked down doors, vacated properties." This is a particularly good sentence.

willow2 Mon 18-Dec-06 17:48:11

I am somewhat concerned that Douchebag, the dog, will need counselling to get over this trauma, and possibly even a Channel 4 series of its own to document such, in desperate attempt to prove it still exists when it so nearly didn't.

LadyG Tue 19-Dec-06 13:11:05

It must be a p* take surely surely surely????

LadyG Tue 19-Dec-06 13:27:09

OMG it is for real-have forwarded on to everyone I know....

BoingBoing Tue 19-Dec-06 14:06:33

OMG! I knew north Londoners could be up themselves, but this really takes the prize! I love that she's in Kensall Rise though, not Hamstead, but it's all right because she's surrounded by other aspirational middle class types with pretentious jobs, even private bankers who've been 'cut from their work' hahaha, ROFL. I think you mean sacked, love

RanToTheHills Tue 19-Dec-06 14:25:41

my sis lives there, Says it all.
Do any teachers/nurses/council staff live there or is it all tv producers etc?
Smug bitch, honestly! Sorry she's lost her home but she's so spoilt! it truly is monstrous or even moustrous..

UnquietDad Tue 19-Dec-06 15:03:11

Do you know, I've only just noticed from one of the other articles what Darling Caroline was doing when the Apocalypse hit:

'Just before 11am in a fashionable part of north London, Caroline Phillips, a freelance writer, thought the apocalypse had come. Sitting at the front window of her home writing about the benefits of complementary therapy, she looked up to see the sky turn black. A grey tornado, taller than a house, spewing debris and roaring like a jet, was heading straight for her."I dived under my desk and started screaming hysterically,"...'

Caroline, Caroline!... Surely with all that research under your four jumpers, you could have thought to take a swig of Bach flower essence under the desk, or downed a bit of chamomile infusion?... It might have saved us the screaming in the loo later.

bakedpotato Tue 19-Dec-06 15:04:41


2nervesnapartridgeinapeartree Tue 19-Dec-06 17:04:24

Enjoying myself so much catching up on this thread I totally failed to notice my 20 month son helping himself to a wet paintbrush which had blackboard paint on it. He has redecorated the hall!

Don't worry Caroline it wasn't Farrow and Ball. Wilkinsons I think.

RanToTheHills Tue 19-Dec-06 17:54:55

MN at its best (unlike the standard)
Bit of homeopathy doesn't do much to ward off tornadoes, does it?!
So relieved to at least be related to someone who is lucky enough to "live in a fashionable part of London", what a vicarious thrill that gives me

BoingBoing Tue 19-Dec-06 18:28:42

Is it fashionable? You couldn't pay me enough to live there!!!

zookeeper Tue 19-Dec-06 22:47:02

this gets funnier every time I read it. I wonder why she already had a trauma specialist? Maybe Douschka shat on the Cath Kidston carpet..

UnquietDad Tue 19-Dec-06 22:50:54

Or maybe Adrian caused a bowl of organic grapefruit to be vomited across the sage-green stone while doing his yogic exercises one day.

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Wed 20-Dec-06 14:05:50

it it the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it? i still snurk at the insurance guy stoping to admire her polished plaster walls...

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Wed 20-Dec-06 14:06:10


zookeeper Wed 20-Dec-06 14:33:13

do you thinkl she gets paid for all the product mentions?

she's put me off Cath Kidston for life!

LadyG Wed 20-Dec-06 20:39:15

I'm becoming obsessed.....

willow2 Wed 20-Dec-06 20:55:22

Love the line about Kensal rise making the headlines because of a few high profile crimes. Apologies to anyone who lives there, but it is one rough part of town. Also love that she refers to it as the suburbs. Suburbs? Bollocks. If "Kensal's" the suburbs then I live on the moon. She's just bigging it up because she wants to sell her sodding house to get away from all that crime.

smittenkitten Wed 20-Dec-06 21:01:00

what an awful, awful woman. can't believe she's for real. all that screaming!

i saw a man about to jump from an 8 storey building the other week (he was saved by police in the end). i was marginally traumatised by that but didn't need a trauma specialist!

do feel gutted for the people who didn't have insurance though.

wheresthehamster Thu 21-Dec-06 00:08:32

Me too.

Do you think the policewoman's eyes actually did 'burst with compassion' for those poor sods.

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney Thu 21-Dec-06 00:19:49

i think she was trying not to laugh.

EmmyLou Thu 21-Dec-06 00:27:34

Sorry, the Cath Kidston carpet just touches the parts that no northerners can reach.

I wake up screaming.

With laughter

You can hear my mirth echo over t'moors.

Thankyou MN

WeWishUAMerryXmasNANappyNewYr Thu 21-Dec-06 02:01:17

in hysterics over the fact her soul is actually some interior decorating and hosting a sleepover.

snowfunwhenyoureknackered Thu 21-Dec-06 07:39:28

to all this!


Nyx Sun 20-Jan-08 22:22:10

I was browsing this thread (which I hadn't seen before and made me PMSL) and had to google the name for myself. Found this - don't know if it's in the thread or not, I didn't see it, sorry if it is already. So...quick update - scroll down grin

TenaciousG Tue 05-Feb-08 16:05:40

Hurrah! She found her engagement ring in a sock, thank god. But oh no!

<<My muscles screamed like elastic bands >>

Don't you just hate those audible elastic bands, the kind that scream? And what's this?

<<Yes, we’ve thrown away the king of beds, our beloved Vi-Spring>>

Please god, not the Vi-Spring.

yurt1 Tue 05-Feb-08 16:09:53

'trauma envy' dear god.

I was hoping for an update on the floating shelves.

Frankendooby Tue 05-Feb-08 16:12:19

Is it a windup?I really hope so.

lionheart Tue 05-Feb-08 16:14:29

Was is those mumsnetters who were doing the mocking? shock It would be good to see the update.

coppertop Tue 05-Feb-08 16:22:50

Trauma envy? I think those floating shelves must have hit her on the head or something. hmm

LOL at the comment on there about how she should check her other sock to see if it contains her brain.

LoginFailed Tue 05-Feb-08 16:25:27

Message withdrawn

I'd never seen the original - how amusing! Thanks for posting this. My absolute favourite bit is when she and her husband are searching to see if the man with serious head injuries is their friend. He isn't - and that's the last we hear of him hmm
Trauma envy - no - I don't think so - just that there are more people out there liable to take umbrage at the self indulgent ramblings of a wallpaper-crazed, soft furnishings-obsessed drip of a woman than she had previously anticipated!

Oh and all the fence panels are being exported to China are they? Truly hell is other people!

JackieNo Tue 05-Feb-08 16:28:44

Lionheart - scroll down on Nyx's link, and it's theregrin. Thanks for that Nyxgrin.

pootleflump Tue 05-Feb-08 16:42:52

This was one of my favourite threads, thanks for posting the final chapter Nyx.

Lol at her taking credit for the naming of her neighbour's baby Dorothy!

lionheart Tue 05-Feb-08 16:54:15

Thanks Jackie and Nyx. smile

I don't remember any terrorist mumsnetters on those threads. It was probably those Standard chatters. smile

MoosMa Tue 05-Feb-08 18:36:55

Wasn't beryl 90 in the first one? Now she's an octogenarian hmm Maybe the tornado turned back time, wooooooooooooooo.

mummyjenjen Mon 03-Mar-08 16:09:20

pretentous bugger! god youd of thought her whole family were killed by how she goes on!
i wonder if shes been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder yet after seeing her designer home a bit untidy! she even said sh was insured so what the bloody hell was she moaning about! and why the hell did she feel the need to keep pointing out her friends middle class jobs!!!

TheDevilWearsPrimark Tue 11-Mar-08 11:23:54

I am genuinely crying with laughter at this. How did I miss this the first time? I do hope the journalist read this thread, she seems the sort to scour the internet for reference to herself.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Tue 11-Mar-08 11:29:07

"I already had a brilliant trauma specialist therapist. I went to see him on Thursday evening"

I wonder what traumatic experience she previously went through to warrant this? Her husband pissing on the toilet seat perhaps?

bran Tue 11-Mar-08 11:35:56

That was so funny. grin

I really need to go to the loo but I can't walk through office just yet as I have been crying with laughter at that and people will think that I have been genuinely crying.

Bump - mumsnet has gone a bit mad and it's time to remember some good stuff

emkana Sun 22-Mar-09 23:13:51

awww I looooooooooooved this one

You never forget the really great ones do you.....

ScarletBear Sun 26-Jul-09 13:59:20

"I need my medicine. I'm a paranoid schizophrenic."

AitchTwoOh Sun 26-Jul-09 14:06:51

oh, i didn't know this had been moved into Classixx. am rather proud. grin <wonders if the claire verity one went in too>

pofacedandproud Sun 26-Jul-09 14:14:37

there was a thread about this when it was first printed. I still cannot believe this woman can write like this without a hint of irony. It is quite an eye opener. How many people live like this without a glimmer of an understanding of how privileged they are? The feeling of entitlement that runs through it makes me want to heave. And it is unintentionally hilarious of course. 'Adrian explained there is only one hotel in London -Claridges'
It reads like something out of the Diary of Adrian Mole.

pofacedandproud Sun 26-Jul-09 14:15:58

oh sorry same thread.

TwoIfBySea Sun 26-Jul-09 14:39:06

The update is even funnier, if that could be possible.

Recommending a tornado for anyone rethinking their colour scheme.


But look what it did for her social life, now she can name all the professionals who live on her street!

This thread isn't just a classic it is pure mn gold!

Marthasmama Sun 26-Jul-09 14:43:13

Oh My God! I have just realised that I read this thread back in 2006, two years before I joined MN, because I was looking for a Cath Kidston stair carpet. This thread came up. I remember thinking it was hilarious. Wow.

TwoIfBySea Sun 26-Jul-09 14:49:33

Oh wait, I just realised the update I meant was this one. Which I found when I tried to Google pictures of the silly mare and her house.

At least her husband is learning Arabic now, I can rest easy.

ThingOne Sun 26-Jul-09 14:53:28

Ah, one of my favourite ever threads!

Jux Sun 26-Jul-09 14:55:09

What utter tosh.

edam Sun 26-Jul-09 15:02:23

"internet terrorism" <guffaw>

Maybe she should try googling 'self awareness' rather than her own ruddy name once in a while...

Stayingsunnygirl Sun 26-Jul-09 16:05:01

This is why I should have discovered Mumsnet years ago!! Utterly and totally hilarious!!!

HerBeatitude Sun 26-Jul-09 16:06:32

oh lord I'd forgotten about this.

It did turn out to be real in the end, didn't it?

CloudDragon Sun 26-Jul-09 16:15:08

thank you for reserecting (sp? v. funny

AitchTwoOh Sun 26-Jul-09 16:15:42

not just real, but repeatedly real. have you read the update?

HerBeatitude Sun 26-Jul-09 16:47:55

OMG have just read the update with incredulity:

"In such a context, losing some of our possessions seemed irrelevant"

Irrelevant? I thought she screamed with grief about those Cath Kidston carpets?

HerBeatitude Sun 26-Jul-09 16:48:14

Talk about false memory syndrome grin

AitchTwoOh Sun 26-Jul-09 16:51:39

fortunately she has a therapist to deal with that for her.

HerBeatitude Sun 26-Jul-09 16:55:21


I missed any reference to a therapist

AitchTwoOh Sun 26-Jul-09 16:57:38

"I already had a brilliant trauma specialist therapist. I went to see him on Thursday evening"

you know she was talking about us, btw, the people on the internet. that was US. i'm so happy.

pofacedandproud Sun 26-Jul-09 16:59:40

she already had a brilliant trauma specialist. Genius.

'My muscles screamed like elastic bands stretched to their outer limits'

What editor in their right mind pays someone like this to write?

chegirl Sun 26-Jul-09 17:05:40

I buy the Evening Standard specially on a Friday so I can read ES magazine and get all hmm and shock at its total upitsownarsiness.

Its a hobby.

AitchTwoOh Sun 26-Jul-09 17:10:55

you must link, chegirl. you owe it to MN.

chegirl Sun 26-Jul-09 17:30:02

Ok I will share any particular beauties I promise. They have peaches Geldof as an agony aunt.

Need I say more?

Miggsie Sun 26-Jul-09 18:00:09

This really reminds me of a friend who had a house fire and her house was unfortunately burned to the ground.
I asked her how she was feeling and she said "It started while we were down the pub. The whole village turned out to watch."
Then she said "I really am worried the oak panelled dining room can't be saved."

She has 3 kids under 5, 2 cats and a dog.
To this day I don't know where the kids were at the time of the fire, but apparently her £20k brand new kitchen was destroyed but half the oak panelling WAS saved.

As the christmas card still mentions the 3 children I have since inferred they all survived as well.

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