What should I do about husband's demands?

(65 Posts)
paulaL Fri 03-May-02 13:03:49

Hi, this is my first posting on mumsnet, although I'm a regular visitor to the site. I know that you are a supportive, non-judgemental bunch, which is why I am turning to you now for advice. I have got a wonderful circle of *real* friends but this is not the sort of problem that I could ever discuss with them because I don't know whether they would laugh or be shocked. I know what I'm about to say probably will sound funny, but to me it is a very real problem, and one that is occupying every waking thought at the moment.
I have been married to the most wonderful, loving man for the past 10 years and we have 4 gorgeous children. Our sex life, I thought, has always been quite good, although my husband dropped a bombshell last week and told me that he finds it boring. Naturally I felt devastated, but he did reassure me that that he still is in love with me and doesn't want anyone else. He suggested that we try some *experimentation*, which I was reasonably happy to go along with, until he said that he wanted us to dress as animals (his suggestion was horses) I wouldn't say that I am a prude, but I felt a bit taken aback. I would feel foolish dressed as a horse and if I feel silly how can I feel in the mood for sex? At the same time, I love him and want him to be happy. What do you think I should do?

paulaL Thu 09-May-02 12:53:12

Thanks again to those of you who were so understanding and offered such constructive advice. I'm sorry that some of you think this is a wind up, it really isn't, though I can appreciate why you think it might be. Have to say though, I am surprised by some of the conservative attitudes to sex within marriage expressed here. You don't really think that just because you and your husband don't do it, others don't either? Are you really sure that your husbands would not like to try something different but are too embarrassed to say? In some ways, I'm glad that my husband did let me in on his fantasy. Ok, it may not be my idea of fun but at least he felt secure enough to tell me. I suppose that is one of the strengths of our relationship, we're honest with each other. My husband says that 99% of the men who visit his club are business/working/family men, very normal looking and not the dirty mac brigade that you may think. I wonder how many of their wives and girlfriends know that they go there? All men have sexual fantasies, some the stereotypical type, some rather more strange, but at the end of the day atleast I know what my husband's really is, how many other women can really say the same?
Haven't given his suggestion a go yet, but I will because I love him. Now that it has had time to sink in and I've had time to think things over, I'm feeling happier about things as at least we've got two important things going for our relationship, honesty and openness. Thanks.

tigermoth Thu 09-May-02 10:58:26

I'm no zoologist, but I feel uneasy with the view that when animals mate it is degrading and dirty - what about those animals who have one mate for life? Emotion, as we know it, may be lacking, but don't many species of animals then go on to look after their young with extreme care?

To us, animal sex might seem disgusting. To animals isn't it simply nature?

sniksnak Thu 09-May-02 06:58:27

How are you PaulaL? I hope you haven't been upset by messages implying that you are making this all up - along with others I'd like to say how brave you are to make this posting. We could all do well to remember that this board exists to pool advice and knowledge, not to offer meaningless judgements.

I was even more concerned to learn about your dh's work environment and your fears about the girls who work there. I do feel this is an example of the fact that constant exposure to attitudes and images of sex (as opposed to making love) *do* change our views, desires and standards of what is normal/acceptable. I know I wouldn't be able to stand my dh working in such an environment.

It worries me greatly that you sound sadly acquiescent about taking part in what he has suggested - your original post made your discomfort and confusion quite clear. Don't perform degrading acts because you are trying to keep your dh in love with you, or out of fear that he will find someone else to do it with - if he really loved you he would not pressure you to do it if you voiced your real feelings.

Tell him exactly what you've told us. If he won't leave the issue alone I'm afraid I would insist on going to a counsellor/sex therapist, as otherwise this will prove to be a very destructive force in your relationship.

Good luck and thinking of you.

Rhubarb Wed 08-May-02 22:36:51

I'm sorry, I saw the word 'horse' in the beginning lines to this thread and my curiosity got the better of me. After the initial 'Ohmigod' (sorry) I thought about it and came up with this:

Sorry if someone else has beat me to this particular piece of advice PaulaL - but tell him to stuff it! It is the most ridiculous idea I have ever heard of! To me sex is supposed to be special, an intimate bonding between husband and wife. Ok, it's fine to have fun with it, it is meant to be enjoyable as well, but dressing up as animals is simply degrading it. Animals hump with no emotion, it is the crudest form of sex, you and your husband are civilised human beings for Heaven's sake! I would find it degrading, humiliating and offensive to be asked. And if you say 'yes' to this, what else will he come up with?

If you feel uncomfortable at his suggestions then you should not do it. He is putting pressure on you to satisfy his own desires and that is unfair. Sod the girls at the club, you are his wife and if you feel that he might run off with them then what marriage do you have? You should be able to trust each other and respect each other's feelings. I would tell him in no uncertain terms 'no' and explain why. If he cannot accept this then I would suggest counselling - seriously! For him that is! Sounds all very Freudian to me!

Can't you just do it doggy style and have done with it?

tigermoth Wed 08-May-02 22:09:36

Well, as for me, the jury's out on this.

I have read about some very strange ( to me) happenings in the bedroom: men who like to dress up as babies, couples who parade around in matching furry animal costumes .... and why not? as long as it harms no one.

salalex Wed 08-May-02 21:26:44

Oh don't be mean. I don't think it's a wind up. Why would she? Anyway, you only have to watch Channel 4 to realise that this may be strange to some folk but my word, there's a lot stranger going on. Whatever lights your candle PaulaL, you carry on. Ooo Amelia, thigh length boots...!!!

Enid Wed 08-May-02 21:08:22

We had friends over for dinner on Friday night, and once I mentioned this mumsnet thread, boy, did the conversation get started!

It IS a wind up, isn't it? I mean, HOW?? WHERE?? WHY??

Moomin Wed 08-May-02 20:50:59

For hourse read HORSE!

Moomin Wed 08-May-02 20:49:53

I am SO sorry if there's some poor person out there wondering whether tonight's the night she'll be harnessed up and subjected to an evening with a dh who thinks he's Champion the Wonder hourse, but REALLY... PaulaL, this is a wind up isn't it? You're taking the p****.....

amelia Tue 07-May-02 22:40:11

well PaulaL, good for you for giving it a go but I have no idea about how dressing up as a horse - which is bound to look like a panto thing - will be less uncomfortable than the wearing of sexy undies. is it a panto thing where you are both in the same costume? Who'd go in front?? Could be good fun!!! Oh this is making me laugh now. I'm sorry, but i just can't get my head round how sex is going to work and what you would actually do. Would watching porn that features this sort of thing help? And i so want to know what's in his contact mags! Other people's sex lives are fascinating I think, but as someone said, we shouldn't get our kicks vicariously. I'd happily dress up in thigh length boots and a thong if it'd help things along for a change and who says sex can't be a bloody good laugh - Enjoy!! And tell us how you get on anyway, we won't know it's you even if we're next to you at Tescos checkout!

bloss Tue 07-May-02 12:10:37

Message withdrawn

tigermoth Tue 07-May-02 11:39:06

Good luck,PaulaL. As you find out more about this and other sexual variations, perhaps you'll discover something that appeals to you more.

Hope your husband is as understanding as you, if you present him with an option you'd like him to try. Fair's fair after all!

mollipops Tue 07-May-02 07:10:20

PaulaL, I don't have much to add except that I think you are very brave to post as you did, and I hope you have considered your own feelings/needs carefully, as well as those of your dh. Maybe working in that kind of environment has made him think more about erotic or kinky things (like men don't already think about it enough lol ).

Anyway, if you do decide to go ahead with it, I hope you have a lock on your bedroom door! Hope it all turns out well for you.

Kia Mon 06-May-02 18:58:16

My instinct is now screaming say no, Paula. If you must do it, don't do anything that makes you loose your own self respect. Can you do it without 'dutch courage' and can you face yourself in the morning, is what I would ask myself.

I don't want to undermine your belief in your relationship with your husband, but he is already living most men's fantasies working where he does and he may have already asked one of the girls to play horsey and been told to naff off. I'd say your initial reaction is the same as any other woman's regardless of what she does for a living. Be careful and think of yourself in this too.

Tinker Mon 06-May-02 18:03:46

Contact magazines????? The plot thickens.

WideWebWitch Mon 06-May-02 17:56:51

Good luck Paula,I hope you don't think we were all too flippant You're a braver woman than I!

paulaL Mon 06-May-02 11:09:41

Thanks again to you all for being so understanding. Have thought long and hard about this and think that I am going to give it a go, you can't knock things unless you try them. As my husband works on door security at an exotic dancing club, I think he thinks all women are as uninhibited as the girls who works there, so I think he finds it difficult to understand why I don't want to try something new. Also I suppose I'm worried that if I don't go along with it, one of the girls at the club will. Don't think finding costumes to wear will be difficult as there are lots of phone numbers in the back of his contact magazines for companies which specialise in this sort of thing. Thanks for listening.

Kia Sat 04-May-02 21:36:02

PaulaL I think you've been incredibly brave putting this thread on, and I just cannot think of anything to suggest, except it does take 2 and he may have to modify his fantasy somewhat if he wants you to take part.

My dh has a friend who likes to dress up in school uniform, the only problem is its girls clothing. This guy's wife has been incredibly understanding about it all and they are very happy. I'm not sure I could cope without hysteria. My dh wont tell me which one of his mates it is, so I keep looking at their wives and wondering.

Perhaps it's the jilly cooper thing and the riding gear would work. You can but try.

Marina Sat 04-May-02 20:20:17

I read about something called The Other Pony Club (in the D Telegraph magazine, before anyone passes a remark) in which adult enthusiasts get tacked up in harness etc and pull carts. Somehow I don't think this was what PaulaL's husband had in mind, it looked like jolly hard work.
You could get him a subscription to The Erotic Review, PaulaL - it might remind him that one of the really crucial differences between us and animals is that the females get satisfaction at least equal to the males in sex (or should do).

Rhiannon Sat 04-May-02 19:16:27

What kind of dress up outfit as a horse is going to look vaguely like a horse? Or am I losing the plot?

I too did think perhaps he meant 'whores' rather than horses!

If you're not comfy with it, don't do it. Suggest a trip to Ann Summers.com or/and a subscription to the adult channels. R

WideWebWitch Sat 04-May-02 18:04:01

Manna, I wondered about that too!! Paula, do you feel like enlightening us? (understand if you don't!)

manna Sat 04-May-02 18:00:07

I can't believe you all let this one go by uncommented on: 'we've tried the sexy undies but he complains that they are uncomfortable' . You could try wearing them instead of him next time, Paula

star Sat 04-May-02 11:39:15

Message deleted at member's request

WideWebWitch Sat 04-May-02 09:31:13

Paula, I asked my friend what she thought and she said "are you sure she didn't mishear and he wants her to dress up as a *whore*...

tigermoth Sat 04-May-02 08:12:42

Tinker, you tinker!

PaulaL, how difficult for you! I don't know what to say. Could it be that your husband wants to talk about sex more than you both do at the moment? It's the talking itself that's a turn-on for him? By asking this provocative question, could he be hoping it will lead to lots of sex talk before the act itself?

I think talking round this is your first step, however you decide your husband gets his oats! (sorry, couldn't resist)

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