What should I do about husband's demands?

(65 Posts)
paulaL Fri 03-May-02 13:03:49

Hi, this is my first posting on mumsnet, although I'm a regular visitor to the site. I know that you are a supportive, non-judgemental bunch, which is why I am turning to you now for advice. I have got a wonderful circle of *real* friends but this is not the sort of problem that I could ever discuss with them because I don't know whether they would laugh or be shocked. I know what I'm about to say probably will sound funny, but to me it is a very real problem, and one that is occupying every waking thought at the moment.
I have been married to the most wonderful, loving man for the past 10 years and we have 4 gorgeous children. Our sex life, I thought, has always been quite good, although my husband dropped a bombshell last week and told me that he finds it boring. Naturally I felt devastated, but he did reassure me that that he still is in love with me and doesn't want anyone else. He suggested that we try some *experimentation*, which I was reasonably happy to go along with, until he said that he wanted us to dress as animals (his suggestion was horses) I wouldn't say that I am a prude, but I felt a bit taken aback. I would feel foolish dressed as a horse and if I feel silly how can I feel in the mood for sex? At the same time, I love him and want him to be happy. What do you think I should do?

sister Fri 03-May-02 13:30:50

Dressing up in kinky underwear I can understand but as animals sounds a bit perverse to me.
Couldn't you suggest nice underwear instead and see what he thinks?

Gillan Fri 03-May-02 13:35:03

Sorry PaulaL but I did have to giggle. With 4 children I'm surprised you get round to it at all, let alone have time to dress up! But seriously if it was something I really didn't want to do then I wouldn't. Obviously I can understand you feeling hurt about your husband's comment as I would too, and also you wanting him to be happy but dressing as a horse wouldn't be a turn-on for me either. Can you not find something you would both enjoy?
We have 2 children (4 and 2) and I would say that before kids I definitely had a much higher sex drive than my husband but the demands of 2 kids plus working part-time have taken their toll. We still have a healthy sex life and now do things we havent't done since just "going out" which is great but they've been initiated by him rather than me.
I think you need to sit down with your husband and talk openly about what you both want and I'm sure you'll find something mutually satisfying.
Plaese keep me posted - it may be something we could all be doing!

sniksnak Fri 03-May-02 14:21:04

Oh PaulaL I admit I had to giggle too. But I also tried to imagine myself in your shoes and I know I would feel awful, absolutely devastated, as if I had never really known the true dh.

But at least he feels able to admit his fantasy and I think that says a lot about having a healthy relationship, and I expect a lot of people have desires and fantasies that would seem unusual in the harsh light of day.

I would ask him to elaborate - where did this idea come from? Why would this be sexually arousing? You should gain a greater understanding from his replies one way or the other, but honestly I don't think it's 'normal' (maybe I've just had a sheltered life??) and I'd be anxious about what he'd want to do next. On the other hand, perhaps his imagination has just run into overtime and he'll say it was just an idea.

Definitely don't do anything you feel uncomfortable with, and if needs be I would suggest looking for an appropriate counselling facility that you could attend together.

sml Fri 03-May-02 14:30:03

paulaL
apologies but I did laugh myself into stitches before making this posting. I really really sympathise though, and can understand how this problem must be in your head all the time.
I don't think it's a question of being a prude or not; if it doesn't turn you on, then it doesn't turn you on, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Sex is about two people after all, not just one. You have to find something that you BOTH enjoy.
If you can't bear the thought of going down to your local Shakespeare company to borrow the ass's head (and I don't blame you) then how about finding some kinky undies or videos with a vaguely horsey theme? (I'd better stop there I think, as it sounds much worse than I meant.)
I'd love to know how you manage to solve this one, but quite understand if you don't feel like telling us.

Mooma Fri 03-May-02 14:37:47

paulaL - not sure quite how to put this, but do you think your dh's suggestion of animal-themed sex might be his way of saying he fancies using more unusual positions (eg doggie-style). I hope you don't find this suggestion offensive, it's just a thought...

slug Fri 03-May-02 14:53:03

LOL why not a tiger?

paulaL Fri 03-May-02 15:02:22

Thank you so much for getting back to me, I was really nervous posting this and thought that I would scare everyone off. Don't feel guilty for laughing, I know I would too if I was reading it, but when it's your problem it's harder to see the funny side. I can see that in the harsh light of day, his suggestions do seem perverse and sordid, but he did say that it is the unihibited act of animal sex rather than the actual animals that he finds erotic. He said that his interest in animal sex began a while ago when he watched a TV programme about a race horse stud. I do find the whole thing very wierd, but can't help but think I should go along with his demands because everything else in our life is so good, I don't want to spoil things. I was hoping that you would say that his suggestions were *normal* and the sort of thing that other married couples do but don't ever talk about in public, now I'm not so sure. Also, we've tried the sexy undie thing, but he complained that they were too uncomfortable.

WideWebWitch Fri 03-May-02 15:11:14

Paula, sorry but I laughed too! I agree with all the good advice given here about not doing anything you feel uncomfortable with: that's not sexy or loving. It's good that his interest is about uninhibited sex rather than actual animal fancying, that changes the matter somewhat doesn't it? What about wearing horsey clothes instead, or is that not the same to DH? I'm thinking of Jilly Cooper 'Riders' stylie: tight jodphurs, boots, aertex shirts etc...Good luck and please *do* keep us posted, not that we get our thrills vicariously or anything

Tillysmummy Fri 03-May-02 15:16:36

PaulaL

I have to admit to LOL as well.

In seriousness, I think that sex is about pleasing each other and yourself. I think that you should only do what you're comfortable with but also, I think it is always nice to give pleasure to the other person. I think it is very important to keep things exciting but can understand your hesitation about the animal thing. Can you tell him you don't feel comfy and try something else ?

sister Fri 03-May-02 15:26:12

Paulal, can't you have uninhibited sex without dressing up as animals? If it doesn't turn you on then if I was you I would definately not go down that road.
Their must be other ways you can spice it up that would mean you would both enjoy it.
I don't know if you feel the same way but since having children I find it very difficult to accept my bopdy and insist on darkness when getting naked?
Is something like this at the route of it all??

ScummyMummy Fri 03-May-02 18:08:40

Just say neigh.

Janus Fri 03-May-02 19:01:10

paulaL, if you don't feel comfortable with this then it's not going to make it good sex for either of you. I'm sure there are plenty of other things you could do together which you haven't for a long time, why not start by having a bath together with some wine, kissing and move on from there, maybe trying some positions you haven't used for a while, as someone else said, maybe 'doggie' position is similar enough to 'animal sex' that your husband is thinking of?
I do think most people would be confused by the suggestion your husband has come up with so trust your instincts and don't go with this. If you do and it turns out to be a disaster (which it definitely has the potential to) this may be a hard thing to overcome other than laughing hysterically together!
Oh god, good luck!

leese Fri 03-May-02 19:01:20

Stop horsing around ScummyMummy - this is a serious post (sorry paulal!)

Tinker Fri 03-May-02 19:19:51

Winnie might have something to say on this.

tigermoth Sat 04-May-02 08:12:42

Tinker, you tinker!

PaulaL, how difficult for you! I don't know what to say. Could it be that your husband wants to talk about sex more than you both do at the moment? It's the talking itself that's a turn-on for him? By asking this provocative question, could he be hoping it will lead to lots of sex talk before the act itself?

I think talking round this is your first step, however you decide your husband gets his oats! (sorry, couldn't resist)

WideWebWitch Sat 04-May-02 09:31:13

Paula, I asked my friend what she thought and she said "are you sure she didn't mishear and he wants her to dress up as a *whore*...

star Sat 04-May-02 11:39:15

Message deleted at member's request

manna Sat 04-May-02 18:00:07

I can't believe you all let this one go by uncommented on: 'we've tried the sexy undies but he complains that they are uncomfortable' . You could try wearing them instead of him next time, Paula

WideWebWitch Sat 04-May-02 18:04:01

Manna, I wondered about that too!! Paula, do you feel like enlightening us? (understand if you don't!)

Rhiannon Sat 04-May-02 19:16:27

What kind of dress up outfit as a horse is going to look vaguely like a horse? Or am I losing the plot?

I too did think perhaps he meant 'whores' rather than horses!

If you're not comfy with it, don't do it. Suggest a trip to Ann Summers.com or/and a subscription to the adult channels. R

Marina Sat 04-May-02 20:20:17

I read about something called The Other Pony Club (in the D Telegraph magazine, before anyone passes a remark) in which adult enthusiasts get tacked up in harness etc and pull carts. Somehow I don't think this was what PaulaL's husband had in mind, it looked like jolly hard work.
You could get him a subscription to The Erotic Review, PaulaL - it might remind him that one of the really crucial differences between us and animals is that the females get satisfaction at least equal to the males in sex (or should do).

Kia Sat 04-May-02 21:36:02

PaulaL I think you've been incredibly brave putting this thread on, and I just cannot think of anything to suggest, except it does take 2 and he may have to modify his fantasy somewhat if he wants you to take part.

My dh has a friend who likes to dress up in school uniform, the only problem is its girls clothing. This guy's wife has been incredibly understanding about it all and they are very happy. I'm not sure I could cope without hysteria. My dh wont tell me which one of his mates it is, so I keep looking at their wives and wondering.

Perhaps it's the jilly cooper thing and the riding gear would work. You can but try.

paulaL Mon 06-May-02 11:09:41

Thanks again to you all for being so understanding. Have thought long and hard about this and think that I am going to give it a go, you can't knock things unless you try them. As my husband works on door security at an exotic dancing club, I think he thinks all women are as uninhibited as the girls who works there, so I think he finds it difficult to understand why I don't want to try something new. Also I suppose I'm worried that if I don't go along with it, one of the girls at the club will. Don't think finding costumes to wear will be difficult as there are lots of phone numbers in the back of his contact magazines for companies which specialise in this sort of thing. Thanks for listening.

WideWebWitch Mon 06-May-02 17:56:51

Good luck Paula,I hope you don't think we were all too flippant You're a braver woman than I!

Tinker Mon 06-May-02 18:03:46

Contact magazines????? The plot thickens.

Kia Mon 06-May-02 18:58:16

My instinct is now screaming say no, Paula. If you must do it, don't do anything that makes you loose your own self respect. Can you do it without 'dutch courage' and can you face yourself in the morning, is what I would ask myself.

I don't want to undermine your belief in your relationship with your husband, but he is already living most men's fantasies working where he does and he may have already asked one of the girls to play horsey and been told to naff off. I'd say your initial reaction is the same as any other woman's regardless of what she does for a living. Be careful and think of yourself in this too.

mollipops Tue 07-May-02 07:10:20

PaulaL, I don't have much to add except that I think you are very brave to post as you did, and I hope you have considered your own feelings/needs carefully, as well as those of your dh. Maybe working in that kind of environment has made him think more about erotic or kinky things (like men don't already think about it enough lol ).

Anyway, if you do decide to go ahead with it, I hope you have a lock on your bedroom door! Hope it all turns out well for you.

tigermoth Tue 07-May-02 11:39:06

Good luck,PaulaL. As you find out more about this and other sexual variations, perhaps you'll discover something that appeals to you more.

Hope your husband is as understanding as you, if you present him with an option you'd like him to try. Fair's fair after all!

bloss Tue 07-May-02 12:10:37

Message withdrawn

amelia Tue 07-May-02 22:40:11

well PaulaL, good for you for giving it a go but I have no idea about how dressing up as a horse - which is bound to look like a panto thing - will be less uncomfortable than the wearing of sexy undies. is it a panto thing where you are both in the same costume? Who'd go in front?? Could be good fun!!! Oh this is making me laugh now. I'm sorry, but i just can't get my head round how sex is going to work and what you would actually do. Would watching porn that features this sort of thing help? And i so want to know what's in his contact mags! Other people's sex lives are fascinating I think, but as someone said, we shouldn't get our kicks vicariously. I'd happily dress up in thigh length boots and a thong if it'd help things along for a change and who says sex can't be a bloody good laugh - Enjoy!! And tell us how you get on anyway, we won't know it's you even if we're next to you at Tescos checkout!

Moomin Wed 08-May-02 20:49:53

I am SO sorry if there's some poor person out there wondering whether tonight's the night she'll be harnessed up and subjected to an evening with a dh who thinks he's Champion the Wonder hourse, but REALLY... PaulaL, this is a wind up isn't it? You're taking the p****.....

Moomin Wed 08-May-02 20:50:59

For hourse read HORSE!

Enid Wed 08-May-02 21:08:22

We had friends over for dinner on Friday night, and once I mentioned this mumsnet thread, boy, did the conversation get started!

It IS a wind up, isn't it? I mean, HOW?? WHERE?? WHY??

salalex Wed 08-May-02 21:26:44

Oh don't be mean. I don't think it's a wind up. Why would she? Anyway, you only have to watch Channel 4 to realise that this may be strange to some folk but my word, there's a lot stranger going on. Whatever lights your candle PaulaL, you carry on. Ooo Amelia, thigh length boots...!!!

tigermoth Wed 08-May-02 22:09:36

Well, as for me, the jury's out on this.

I have read about some very strange ( to me) happenings in the bedroom: men who like to dress up as babies, couples who parade around in matching furry animal costumes .... and why not? as long as it harms no one.

Rhubarb Wed 08-May-02 22:36:51

I'm sorry, I saw the word 'horse' in the beginning lines to this thread and my curiosity got the better of me. After the initial 'Ohmigod' (sorry) I thought about it and came up with this:

Sorry if someone else has beat me to this particular piece of advice PaulaL - but tell him to stuff it! It is the most ridiculous idea I have ever heard of! To me sex is supposed to be special, an intimate bonding between husband and wife. Ok, it's fine to have fun with it, it is meant to be enjoyable as well, but dressing up as animals is simply degrading it. Animals hump with no emotion, it is the crudest form of sex, you and your husband are civilised human beings for Heaven's sake! I would find it degrading, humiliating and offensive to be asked. And if you say 'yes' to this, what else will he come up with?

If you feel uncomfortable at his suggestions then you should not do it. He is putting pressure on you to satisfy his own desires and that is unfair. Sod the girls at the club, you are his wife and if you feel that he might run off with them then what marriage do you have? You should be able to trust each other and respect each other's feelings. I would tell him in no uncertain terms 'no' and explain why. If he cannot accept this then I would suggest counselling - seriously! For him that is! Sounds all very Freudian to me!

Can't you just do it doggy style and have done with it?

sniksnak Thu 09-May-02 06:58:27

How are you PaulaL? I hope you haven't been upset by messages implying that you are making this all up - along with others I'd like to say how brave you are to make this posting. We could all do well to remember that this board exists to pool advice and knowledge, not to offer meaningless judgements.

I was even more concerned to learn about your dh's work environment and your fears about the girls who work there. I do feel this is an example of the fact that constant exposure to attitudes and images of sex (as opposed to making love) *do* change our views, desires and standards of what is normal/acceptable. I know I wouldn't be able to stand my dh working in such an environment.

It worries me greatly that you sound sadly acquiescent about taking part in what he has suggested - your original post made your discomfort and confusion quite clear. Don't perform degrading acts because you are trying to keep your dh in love with you, or out of fear that he will find someone else to do it with - if he really loved you he would not pressure you to do it if you voiced your real feelings.

Tell him exactly what you've told us. If he won't leave the issue alone I'm afraid I would insist on going to a counsellor/sex therapist, as otherwise this will prove to be a very destructive force in your relationship.

Good luck and thinking of you.

tigermoth Thu 09-May-02 10:58:26

I'm no zoologist, but I feel uneasy with the view that when animals mate it is degrading and dirty - what about those animals who have one mate for life? Emotion, as we know it, may be lacking, but don't many species of animals then go on to look after their young with extreme care?

To us, animal sex might seem disgusting. To animals isn't it simply nature?

paulaL Thu 09-May-02 12:53:12

Thanks again to those of you who were so understanding and offered such constructive advice. I'm sorry that some of you think this is a wind up, it really isn't, though I can appreciate why you think it might be. Have to say though, I am surprised by some of the conservative attitudes to sex within marriage expressed here. You don't really think that just because you and your husband don't do it, others don't either? Are you really sure that your husbands would not like to try something different but are too embarrassed to say? In some ways, I'm glad that my husband did let me in on his fantasy. Ok, it may not be my idea of fun but at least he felt secure enough to tell me. I suppose that is one of the strengths of our relationship, we're honest with each other. My husband says that 99% of the men who visit his club are business/working/family men, very normal looking and not the dirty mac brigade that you may think. I wonder how many of their wives and girlfriends know that they go there? All men have sexual fantasies, some the stereotypical type, some rather more strange, but at the end of the day atleast I know what my husband's really is, how many other women can really say the same?
Haven't given his suggestion a go yet, but I will because I love him. Now that it has had time to sink in and I've had time to think things over, I'm feeling happier about things as at least we've got two important things going for our relationship, honesty and openness. Thanks.

Rhubarb Thu 09-May-02 14:14:16

Tigermoth - I appreciate that animals do what they have to do to survive. What I was getting at is that we are not like that, to ask us to behave as animals is degrading to us. Whenever anything is done with apparent disregard for others, it is described as an 'animal act'. For not all that is natural is very pleasant, after all animals also kill and eat each other.

We are the only animals to express such complex emotions and sex is one of them. I'm sorry if this sounds so conservative, but sex is supposed to be an act of love. It is a shame that so many people now take great pride in having so many partners, it's as if sex isn't special anymore. I don't know about anyone else's partner but I do know that my dh would never go to erotica clubs. If he wants to try something different that's fine. Sex can be fun too, it would be boring if we just did one position the whole time. But if he asked me to do something I did not feel uncomfortable with I would not do it, just as I would not expect him to do anything he felt uncomfortable with. It has happened actually, I said no and the subject has not been broached since. But at least he does know that he can ask me stuff like that.

At the end of the day I want my husband to make love to me, not a horse! I want him to look me in the eyes afterwards. Lots of women get upset if their husbands admit to thinking about other women when they make love, never mind horses! I doesn't matter what you do whilst having sex, so long as your partner is doing it with you and not pretending that you are not there at all. That's the bit I find so disrespectful.

But if you want to go ahead PaulaL that's fine. As someone said, it's not hurting anyone and as long as you are comfortable with the idea....

Janus Thu 09-May-02 14:53:29

I am so surprised no-one has mentioned last night's SO GRAHAM NORTON, the whole theme was on horses and, as you expect!, it then went on to show various costumes for those people who fantacise about sleeping with horses. So, there you go, it is a real fantasy that obviously quite a few people indulge in. PaulaL, it looked quite revolting, the different costumes pretty much bordered on S&M, with harnesses, whips, etc. I would really check on how far your husband wants to go before you do agree to this.
Also, I'm sorry but your initial posting said you were 'taken aback' and would feel 'foolish' to go along with his suggestion. I don't care if people want to whip eachother senseless or whatever AS LONG AS BOTH AGREE. Don't do this to 'please him' only do it if you think you might enjoy it too. Really question your motives here, if you don't agree with it but decide to do it anyway you will feel degraded and it could be a really damaging experience. Do think hard.

Enid Thu 09-May-02 15:01:57

Well, good for you paulal. You go girl! But it just seemed such a *specific* fantasy that it didn't quite ring true. Did you watch graham norton?

tigermoth Thu 09-May-02 21:52:00

PaulaL, it's really now all up to you, isn't it? Your husband has been open with you - a very great plus, as you say. You now have the choice. As long as this is not causing hurt, and you want to try it, then, IMO it's`not degrading.

On the other hand, in your heart of hearts, if you don't want to try it but go ahead to please your husband, then it would be degrading - just as any other way of making love would be in this circumstance.

IMO it's the lack of mutual consent and respect, not the act itself, that makes it degrading or not.

It sounds like you have an honest relationship with your husband. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Cazhass Thu 09-May-02 23:04:40

PaulaL - the title on this thread made me 'look in' Thursday is my 'mumsnet night' (dh pub with friends) and I have to say I read you post and laughed so much I cried, had a bath and a glass of wine, returned and read the replies then began to take it all seriously. I can't understand why working in an erotic club would encourage 'animal' tendancies - fixing a pole to the bedrooom and encouraging you to slide and slither yes!. Anyway like many have said at least he feels he can be honest with you. Perhaps you could suggest a pig (miss piggy style: pink fluffy headband, pink undies and a few grunts and demands - (sorry!!) If you have enjoyed a perfectly happy regular sex life (with 4 children well done love) then the animal thing seems a huge jump (sorry again) But then again with Graham Norton featuring it - perhaps it is quite common (I, again have led a very sheltered life!!)-Hope I don't regret this reply in the morning....

Rara Fri 10-May-02 11:33:14

Just to put my two penneth in - PaulaL, you say that 1stly your dh said he found your sex life a bit of a let-down, even tho you were quite happy with it. The he introduced the idea of the horse stuff. It sounds like he's had this fantasy for quite a while, as the usual avenue for a mundane sex life would usually be the more expected experimentation, wouldn't it , like watching/reading porn together, sexy undies, different places and positions, etc. If this is the case, I'd definitely take on board what others have said about it having to be MUTUALLY agreed and enjoyable for both of you. If he's got such a set idea of what will turn him on rather than just a notion that your sex life needs "pepping up", it sounds more of an issue that needs to be dealt with by a professional of some description. You can arrange to see sex counsellors thru Relate if you want to pursue this. Don't agree to sg you're not happy with as you'll both end up unhappy in the end.

Tortington Sat 11-May-02 21:54:16

why dont you do the graham norton thing? say your well up for horses - it really floats your boat - but only if he sticks the tail up his bottom and puts a bit in his mouth! switch it round - see how he feels, this is what i said to mine when he fancied it this way too! yes paula you are not alone! the outcome is one day a week is kinky night we take it in turns - i can always think of something more degrading if he pushes his luck!

Rhubarb Sat 11-May-02 22:16:09

Really Custard! I say giddup! Seriously though, do tell what your dh had in mind please!

Wallace Sat 22-Oct-05 15:28:40

Just read this

Wallace Sat 22-Oct-05 15:29:38

No I didn't, I just read the pirate one and followed the link to this one, and accidently posted on the wrong one

noddyholder Sat 22-Oct-05 15:35:51

You can give it a go and if you hate it don't do it again Although there must be other ways to spice things up as this conjures up images of panto costumes and shall i shan't i but thats probably just me

LadySherlockofLGJ Sat 22-Oct-05 15:37:34

Noddy


This thread is over three years old.

noddyholder Sat 22-Oct-05 15:41:09

Still found it highly entertaining read on a grim saturday afternoon

LadySherlockofLGJ Sat 22-Oct-05 15:44:03

Hi, this is my first posting on mumsnet, although I'm a regular visitor to the site. I know that you are a supportive, non-judgemental bunch.


She hasn't been back since 2002.

Blandmum Sat 22-Oct-05 15:45:10

LMAO we wuz all taken in by a troll!

Amai Tue 08-Nov-05 21:54:36

giggle giggle

Another classic to be relived.

Caligula Tue 30-Jan-07 14:44:11

Oh lord I laughed myself hoarse...

Not as good as the pirate thread though

pingping Thu 06-Nov-08 15:27:11

What a great thread!!!

pingping Thu 06-Nov-08 15:27:12

What a great thread!!!

pingping Thu 06-Nov-08 15:27:15

What a great thread!!!

ThePowerof3 Sun 21-Jul-13 15:01:02

Try putting yourself in the OPs (horse) shoes

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Sun 21-Jul-13 15:25:24

You know this thread is now 10 years old, right?

ThePowerof3 Sun 21-Jul-13 20:24:09

Yes I can see that just couldn't resist

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Sun 21-Jul-13 20:34:02

grin

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