I made a complete tit of myself today and cannot stop cringing. Pat my shoulder

(232 Posts)
Gatekeeper Wed 20-Nov-13 16:49:17

...and say "there there"

In meeting today and part of it was a discussion about personal illnesses or conditions each of us has/had. I mentioned that most of my family - female side has an underactive thyroid and that I have yearly blood tests as mine is slowly getting there. I said "Thyroid" about ten times

Only I didn't...

I said "prostate" and wondered why the rest of them were looking at me like this hmm. I clocked what I'd said and said "No, not my prostate, my thryoid. I am actually a women, at least my husband thinks so" ending on a horrible, whinnying haw haw laugh that I haven't heard before.

Ended up doing a comedy wipe of my face, and knocked my glasses off, where they landed on the middle of the floor. I said "shite" when this happened and not quietly either.

Dear God...not one of them cracked a smile or reacted- just looked at me for a split second and then started talking about something else

CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE..I am squirming in my seat just thinking about it

okthen Sun 08-Dec-13 22:40:50

My sister once went to the gym and for a swim with her housemate. Sis was going to work after the gym, housemate was going home, so offered to take my sister's gym bag home with her. Unfortunately my sister had packed not just her gym kit, but also her work dress and tights, into the bag. She had to wear just her coat, knickers and shoes on the bus to get back home and put some clothes on...

Same sister also got stuck in a tiny lift at work with her boss, panicked and fainted. Came round to find the lift doors open, a crowd gathered round, and her boss holding her legs in the air (apparently it helps to bring someone round- though looks pretty weird written down!)

Catypillar Sun 08-Dec-13 22:18:07

Got into discussion with nurse at work who was going on about how doctors are supposed to be clever but really we can't tell our arses from our elbows and need the nurses to keep us right, I got a bit annoyed and started to tell her not to be so bloody patronising but somehow managed to drop my phone into my cup of tea at the same time, cue me shouting "aargh my phone's in my tea" and the nurse saying "well take it out then you idiot!" I removed it from the tea, took it to bits and put it on paper towels. Nurse took great pleasure in smugly saying "Dr Catypillar dropped her phone in her tea" to all who asked why there were phone parts sitting on paper towels.

Chocolatestain Sun 01-Dec-13 08:38:02

Loving this thread. Festive butt plug has become an ongoing joke in our household. Would like to point out that DS has only just turned one so presumably isn't being traumatised by mummy and daddy sniggering over smutty festive butt plug jokes.

(Oh God, what if his first words are "butt plug" blush)

littlelady3045 Sat 30-Nov-13 20:33:54

This thread has made me laugh so much my tea poured out of my nose.

Thank you all so much.

Neill James (I don't know how to tag) I think I love you and your misfortunes, as did the woman who had pissed herself laughing!

Chocolatestain Sat 30-Nov-13 16:54:27

A few years ago I was doing some temping as an agency support worker for adults with learning disabilities. One day I was sent to a day centre in an unfamiliar town and having trouble finding it, so when I saw a British Gas van I pulled over to ask the driver for directions. He explained that he wasn't local so couldn't be sure, but thought it might be near the school at the end of the road. He then asked if I happened to have seen a tack shop on my travels as he had found a bag of brand new riding crops in a hedge and thought he might be able to sell them. Without thinking I replied 'Or a sex shop'

Awkward silence.

I muttered my thanks and beat a hasty retreat.

I found the day centre and did my shift without thinking any more of it. When I returned to my car at the end of the day there was a note under the windscreen. 'If you fancy some fun with riding crops this weekend, call Dave on ...'

And before you ask, no I didn't!

Fairychatty Sat 30-Nov-13 11:53:43

Mrswast..... That was soo funny .. I'm still laughing

whereiseveryone Sat 30-Nov-13 09:02:07

Ha ha! Who cares?

That would have raised howls of laughter from the management team in my old job. They were a cruel bunch...

You need to have more meetings with people with a sense of humour. That lot sound iike a bunch of corpses...

ladypanbanisha Sat 30-Nov-13 08:27:17

I was chatting to the nice lady on the self scan check out in Waitrose. My lips were dry so I was holding my Burt's Bees lip balm to apply when I had finished and was gesticulating with my hand. The nice lady fell silent and was looking at my hand, I had been gesticulating with a Lillett.

dottybooboo22 Sat 30-Nov-13 08:19:49

While going on a tour of Russia when i was in a girls choir, i managed to trap the man in front of me on the plane, in his seat...it sort of folded up on him ( while i was leaning on the back of it.) When i realised what i had done of course i apologised, it was then that i realised it was the same man i had got in the back of the ankles with the trolley back at Heathrow. I swear he visibly blanched when we saw each other a little later leaving Moscow airport!!!

dottybooboo22 Sat 30-Nov-13 07:35:17

Hilarious!!! Why is there not a "like" button for this page"????

Dayshiftdoris Fri 29-Nov-13 22:45:37

I haven't laughed this much in ages and ages...

'Up my bum' was my favourite.

Unfortunately when I am nervous / talking to professionals / breathing I have a habit of saying what I am thinking without applying a filter...

My most recent was to my son's head teacher. We were having a fairly serious conversation about an issue and I heard myself say..
'I was going to say he could charm the knickers off a nun... But that's not very appropriate...'

Tumbleweed moment to say the least blush

I have form... The more serious the issue and formal the meeting at school the worse it gets...

To a teacher who couldn't 'see' my son's ASD - 'Yeah it's frustrating that they don't tattoo their foreheads with 'autistic' anymore'

And

'Well it's about time these professionals shat or got off the pot'
The poor SENCO nearly needed resuscitation as she completely lost her composure.... I was a bit bewildered as to what was so funny blush

But by far the worst was at work... I went out to call the patient, had a mental blank and opened my mouth to shout what her presenting complaint...

'Rectocele'

The God of stopping you from making a twat of yourself stepped in and I merely closed my mouth again only uttering a grunt... The whole waiting room was looking at me expectantly but I high tailed to the station and got someone else to call her in...

Not safe to be let out

nouvellevag Fri 29-Nov-13 22:28:00

I told my boss that his Xmas card design looked like a festive buttplug. This was years ago and I still want to die.

maniccats Fri 29-Nov-13 19:30:31

This has made me cry with laughter. One of my own awful moments:-

Iwas at a publishing conference abroad, waiting with some colleagues for the bosses to arrive. I was leaning back resting my elbows on the desk behind me. As bosses arrived, I went to stand up properly but my metal heeled stillettos slipped from under me and glided across the marble floor, gracefully depositing me on it.

Artemisia48 Fri 29-Nov-13 18:12:05

Awww don't I know the feeling dear Gatekeeper. I thank you a million time for starting this cathartic conversation. This week, I went to the hairdressers and asked for a cut and blowjob (instead of, well obviously, a blow dry). No comment. I am a woman (mid forties) and my hairdresser is a nice young lady who giggled just a little but I am certain that this was awarded Joke of the Day (month? Year?) And that they were in stitches when I left. And I will forever be the Lady who asked for a BJ in that salon. (Insert mortified look here). I must be strong and silence my pride as they have been colouring my hair for years now.
Still. Ouch.

Brevitybabe Fri 29-Nov-13 17:27:48

Could have been worse - your skirt could have been tucked up in your panties !

zannathetrainer Thu 28-Nov-13 20:56:22

My DH forwarded me his invitation to the office party with a sweet email explaining that he had to go to the * thing because his @@@@@ boss has insisted, though he knew it would be very dull. Unfortunately, he hit the reply all button. Super red face. And the entire office laughing at his expense. As well as his supportive wife.

DidoTheDodo Wed 27-Nov-13 14:39:01

Thank you, all of you for making me really, really laugh while sitting at my desk. Doesn't often happen.
Will now answer the phone with "Tim speaking" for always. It'll be like an MN code for recognising one another!

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock Wed 27-Nov-13 11:44:28

HOWLING with laughter and very glad I'm not at work! Particularly grin at William Shatner, 'Tim speaking' (I might answer work phone calls thusly from now on; I too am female) and 'once, twice...'
'THREE TIMES A LADY'.

<<tummy hurts>>

OP, I think they were a roomful of miserable buggers. Surely most people would have had a laugh about it?

BigToesofFrog Wed 27-Nov-13 10:31:52

Oh god OP. I feel your pain. I can't be trusted in any kind of meeting or social situation at all - so much so that I actually went freelance and work at home. I can edit my emails carefully before I send out any utter bollocks. If I talk to a client on the phone I always end up either gabbling or being awkward, so I try to avoid it. I'm actually cringing today about some terrible gabbling I did yesterday - uuuurrgh.

Once a work colleague (when I was working in an office) asked me "how are you getting on with Xxx". Xxx was the name of my boyfriend at the time and tbh it was on the rocks so although I thought it was quite a personal question, i regaled her with the details of my relationship woes. 5 minutes in I saw she was looking at me in horror and realised she meant Xxx, the client we had both been dealing with.... blushblushblush

Another time a very self-deprecating (and let's be fair, annoying with it) colleague asked me if the brief I had prepared was an "idiot's guide" because she would need it. Without stopping to engage brain I replied "Well it depends how much of an idiot you are." She was massively offended and I had to grovel for weeks.

TooTabooToBOOOOO Wed 27-Nov-13 10:16:14

*knocking over

TooTabooToBOOOOO Wed 27-Nov-13 10:14:45

Brilliant thread!

Many years ago I went to stay with a friend in Ashton-Under-Lyme, Manchester way. I was 18 and they were mid to late 20's. I was eager to impress but very clumsy and always knocking mud drinks or dripping food down myself blush

So, we head out for a night on the tiles. As we are walking along we come across an on-location tv shoot, Band of Gold. They were in-between takes and we needed to walk through the scene. The main characters were there, Barbara Dickson, Cathy Tyson etc.

The runner (or such like) told us we could go through but to hurry. The cast were sat to one side of the path, we had to walk right past them. My friend turned to me and jokingly whispered "do not fucking embarrass us" I was highly offended, I am calm and dignified grown-up.

The laughter when I tripped up and stumbled spectacularly in front of the cast was frankly uncalled for....

LCHammer Wed 27-Nov-13 09:31:48

Lots of the examples on here are about people losing their cool and doing or saying something out-of-character under stress. There must be some explanation as to why we sabotage our chances of success.

LittleAprilShowers Wed 27-Nov-13 09:07:29

I have what I am convinced is a medical condition in which I either laugh hysterically or make some lame ass joke when someone divulges bad news. But this by far has to be the worst -

Saw an ex colleague on my lunch hour who'd retired 6 months earlier. I said "Oh hello Arthur how've you been?". He replied "Not good, I've just lost my wife". I said "Oh well maybe she's in Woolworths?"

I would love to explain this abomination. But I just can't!

LittleAprilShowers Wed 27-Nov-13 09:04:15

I have what I am convinced is a medical consiti

LCHammer Tue 26-Nov-13 22:53:19

Mosp - that sounds like a classy descent.

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