ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
I can't believe this has just happened. Please share your embarrassing young child/public situation nightmares.(151 Posts)
Still cringing at this as I type this sorry it's so long.
I suspected I had pulled my neck again last nite while bringing the washing in and woke up this morning in agony and really didn't relish the idea of a whole weekend spent being unable to move my neck and an ever increasing annoying child to look after alone. Anyway rang my Doctors and was told to come in for 8.30 as they have a drop in surgery on Saturdays.
Just as we are about to leave DS (just 4) manages to wee all over his favorite spiderman pants and joggers while in the toilet. He then refused to wear any other pants or trousers. I was getting increasingly annoyed and frustrated and just told him to get himself dressed and wear what he wants as were in a rush. So off we go to the surgery with DS wearing only thin shorts (no pants) a chuggington t-shirt two sizes too small and his new school plimsoles. Honestly he looked such a sight that was embarrassing enough but I was in too much
pain to care.
Get to the Doctors, which was as expected extremely busy give my name etc and as soon as we sit down DS announces loudly he now needs a poo. So off we go to the toilet. As we come out DS bellows "I miss that pop mummy, it was my favorite pop ever" to which I mutter " you what?" " yeah it reminded me of Reggie (our dog ) did you see it mummy it had eyes" he said sadly. Que him then tugging on my arm while I waited for another seat and repeating 100 times in an irratating, whiney voice "I really do miss that pop mummy" untill finally I snapped "ALRIGHT I GET IT!" to which a waiting room full of people all look up at me.
Finally get a seat and sit DS on my lap, he then proceeds to ask me every question which could ever enter a small boys head, along the lines of why do we get poorly, do mummys have boys and daddies have girls, why is that lady old, why is that boy fat? on and on with me growing more and more irritated and DS's bored at the waiting audience growing more and more interested .
Eventually a few more seats become free and DS decides to go sit it a free tub chair about 5 seats away. Picks up a Cbeebies magazine and sits quietly for all of ooh 2 minutes before letting out a very loud sigh and loudly saying "I do like my willy mummy it's much better than flaps isn't it?" a few people start smirking, the elderly lady next to him looks uncomfortable, so I gave him the 'look' and he goes back to looking at his magazine on his lap. I admit I wasnt paying him a lot of attention as it hurt just to turn my head to look at him, so I carried on looking at my phone.
I noticed a slightly gazed look in his eyes but tbh was just glad he was being quiet. All of a sudden he loudly announces "Mummy, my willy's gone all hard" I shushed him and asked quietly did he need a wee? "No mummy, I've been pulling on it and now it's like sword" no exaggeration every pair of eyes in the room was on me and I thought I'm gonna go mad here in a minute. DS sensing my annoyance decided to try and tip me over the edge and started laughing and singing "willy, willy, willy, hard, hard, hard" "smelly mummy, stupid mummy,yes, yes, yes" I thought I'm going to have to take him outside and have a word but felt in a difficult postion as although the cheekiness wouldn't be tolerated I didn't really want to punish him for touching himself but needed to explain it wasn't appropriate in a Doctors waiting room full of people!
Just as I was gathering up my things, finally my name was called, so I sharply told DS to come along and as he jumped down from the chair a small boy sizes semi on could clearly be seen through his shorts. DS thought this was hysterical and as a finally to his shocked audience decided to do a silly walk including hip thrusts out of the room
By the time we finally made it to the Doctor his shorts area was back to normal but I most certainly was not. I think a combination of the embarrassment, pain and strong pain killers I had taken finally took it's tole and I came over all funny, so much so the Doctors thought I was going to faint! Luckily he took sympathy on me and prescribed me some diazepam, without which I honestly think I would have strangled DS. When we got outside I told him don't EVER behave like that again to which he relied innocently "What mummy?"
Please tell me I'm not the only one with a child like this? And how can I prevent an incident like that ever happening again? (except never leaving the house or having to constantly main line Valium
Another one, from half an hour ago. DS (age 8) and I just walked past a man holding a lovely newborn baby. DS said loudly ' Oh Mum, I really wish you had sat on that man's willy, I'd love a baby brother!'
I was like and and asked him why he would say that. Then he reminded me that we saw the Cerne Abbas Giant last month, and I had told him the myth about ladies sitting on him to help their chances of getting pregnant. Phew! I had to fight the urge to run back to the man and explain.
I am lucky that my DS (9) does not ask questions
However he does like to tell people what is correct and not and after going through the 'willy sword!' phase and being told that it's private and for the bedroom only he announced this to a man (actually poor young bloke of about 19/20) who he caught having a quick scratch or rearrange in Tesco's once.
A few years ago when DS was about 3ish, we took him to Tate Britain. Wandering around, I'm trying to interest him in the art, when I realise the Turner Prize exhibition is on. Not really clocking the warning that some exhibits are unsuitable for under 16s, we go in. It's all fairly innocuous until we see a Jake & Dinos Chapman installation of a blow up sex doll in the 69 position with a mannequin.
"Eeew" squeals DS, at about 1000 decibels, "that one's licking the others willy - eeew, taste of wee!"
The entire room turned and stared at us , some of them laughed, but some obviously thought we'd just shown our toddler hardcore porn - which, to be fair, I suppose we had.
My dd1 was about 3 (now 9) and I'd stopped using her push chair about 3 or 4 months before, much to her disgust. She hated walking and was still upset about me giving it away. We went into town to do our shopping and she spots a guy in a wheelchair being pushed up the hill by his carer. Dd marches over ( I had my hands full and couldn't grab her in time) and says "why are you so old and allowed to use your push chair, I'm only lickle and liked mine but mummy gave mine away" luckily for me, the guy found it hilarious and explained why he used his 'pushchair'. I was absolutly mortified but the guy and his carer were so lovely about it!
One from my friends dd, my friend is a nurse and has a son in the army, she helps out with a lot of help for heroes events near her and they went bowling, my friends dd was about 9 or 10 at the time and the soldiers were being a bit mean to her, picking her and spinning her when it was her turn etc, so she decided to get one of the guys, who was being mean to her, back. She waited til he was sat down, grabbed his prothestic (sp) leg and launched it down the bowling alley. Everyone was in hysterics for ages afterwards. It's still brought up at gatherings all these months later.
When my daughter was about three, I had to take her with me when I had my smear test. She behaved beautifully, playing with her toys and chatting to the nurse. As we were leaving, she turned to the packed waiting room and BELLOWED "my mummy's got orange hair on her ding ding"!!!!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
A few months ago me and DD(2.5 at the time) had been to The Deep. I went to the loo before we left, DD safely in the cubicle with me asking what I'm doing ("just having a wee BabyBloodshot, I'll just be a minute,").
Thrilled by this news - and having recently learnt the words for mummy and daddy's 'bits' as she'd been enquiring in the bath - DD proceeds to slide open the lock on the door, walk out and announce to the crowded toilets "don't worry everyone, my Daddy is just having a wee out of his penis."
Everyone laughs, I'm left finishing off my wee in plain sight of everyone, mortified. DD just looked pleased with herself.. Like she'd done me a huge favour announcing my news!!
Dt2 aged 20 months has meant to oink like a pig whenever peppa pig is on. We think this is brilliant and have actively encouraged it more so than ever today, lots of linking!! This afternoon I was pushing dts in buggy in a shop and heard dt2 "oink". I am a bit baffled and follow his line of sight to a...erm...larger lady all dressed in pink.Thank god she didn't notice but I left quickly!
god so many typos sorry, and not Willy related
That's the funniest thing I've read in about ten years. oh my god, I'm so sorry, just hilarious.
Honestly this thread is the funniest thing I've ever read, laughing out loud in bed with tears rolling down my face with dh fast asleep next to me. My children are 19, 15, 11&11 now but I remember well the embarrassing moments they bestow upon you! My advice...write it up, keep it and put it on a big poster on his wedding day
My eldest ds (at the age of 2) trotted up to a shop mannnequin, which was unfortunately nekkid due to the outfits on the dummies being changed, cupped his hands gleefully and screeched at the very top of his voice "Look, Mummy! BREASTS!!". I tried to hide behind the baby's pushchair.
I really dislike smoking and used to repeatedly tell my kids about how dangerous it is to their health. DD asked me one day why I didn't like smoking and I said, "Because it makes you smell like smoke, and it makes your lungs turn black" - not thinking anything else of it.
A month or so later we were on the bus going into town and as the queue of people boarded the bus DD's eyes got wider and wider until she started furiously tapping my arm and saying, "Look Mum, look Mum, LOOK MUM (top of her voice) that woman must smoke lots of cigarettes because she is ALL BLACK."
She was about 4 at the time and the lady in question either didn't hear or ignored it. I could quite cheerfully have melted on the spot.
Great thread! I have been in tears of laughter! OP, I really feel for you, my DS1 & 2 are grown men now but we had our fair share of incidents, too. DD is 5 and we went to a festival in summer, where I got my period & had no choice but to take her into the portaloos with me - discreetly changing your tampon with a nosey 4-y-o peering down into the tub of waste & loudly asking a million questions was no picnic, I can tell you!
Really did LOL at the mouse up the bottom post, too. It's the way that the quieter you try to get them to be, the louder they have to shout!
DNiece is mixed race (SIL is from Angola). Once DM was having a dinner party with the family and also invited a (very important and high-up) Ugandan friend. Niece said she needed the loo, and since SIL was busy I said I would take her. We accidentally walked in on said guest whilst he was in the bathroom - luckily didn't see anything as he had finished and was leaving anyway. We finished up and returned to the living room, but niece looked very shaken. I asked her what was wrong. She wailed (in front of everyone) 'there was a black man in the toilet!' Luckily, everyone (including her mother) saw the funny side. I can only think her reaction was because he was a bit darker complexioned than her mother!
Love this thread! Glad people ignored the miserable comment and it's carried on! DS (4) has had some right corkers.
Was out and had to use a public loo, he came in with me as it was so busy, let him go a wee first then I sat down and changed tampon, he says VERY loudly, "Mum why is your bum bleeding?!" I could FEEL the sniggers outside the door i swear!
On the bus, again, very crowded, it was mostly just average sized people and a couple of elderly people then a group of 3 larger ladies got on. I've always told DS he isn't to comment on what people look like so really wasn't expecting him to say, "MUM WHY ARE THEY SO BIG MUM MUM" Me: "Shh you can't say that it's rude!!" "BUT MUM THEY ARE SO BIG WHY ARE YOU NOT LIKE THAT MUM MUM MUM" i was so red!! I had a diversion of a thomas train in my bag so got that out and he shhushed then.
When he first was potty trained he was OBSESSED with wee's, everywhere he went he had to use the toilets. Popped into Tesco with a basket and DS was just behind me singing happily about what tins were in the aisles when a man said to me, "I think your boy is up to something" with a face turn around DS has his trousers down shuffling along singing about spaghetti hoops.
Ooh last one I can remember, went to visit MIL who has a communal swimming pool on her estate, went into changing rooms and a lady was getting changed, smiled politely and started getting ready. Lady takes off her top and DS says, "you have small boobies! Not like my mummy, she has massive ones! hahah! booby booby booby!" Me: but the woman thought it was hilarious!
Haha OMG OP that is priceless.
when I was 5 I had to share a cubicle with my mum in a large shopping centre, really busy ,who was having a visit from aunt scarlett ifyswim. I didn't know what periods were so when I saw the brownish dried stain on her pants I said ;
"Mummy? have you pooed yourself?!!" really loud poor mum.
My DM, who DD was very close to, died of lung cancer shortly after diagnosis. This meant that we had the death conversation quite early on (dd was 2.5). DD was quite happy that Grandma had been very sick, and most of the time when people get sick, they get better, but sometimes they get too sick and then their body stops working.
Fair enough, until we show up at the GP a month or two later and sit in the waiting room next to someone with a mild cough. "MUM," hollers DD, "DO YOU THINK THAT LADY'S GOING TO DIE SOON OR IS IT THE KIND OF COUGH THAT GETS BETTER? "
It put the 'my chest has bumpy bits (ribs) but yours has really squishy bits' into the shade.
I had to add to this thread to offload! We have just been to visit some lovely new friends that we've made recently, and ds decided it would be funny to embarrass me by saying loudly in front of lovely new friends "hey mum, remember you used to lock me in a cage when I was naughty!"
Just to be clear I have never locked him in a cage!! He'd seen it on a tv programme where someone had said that to his mum and ch
*chose that moment to say it to me 'because it was really funny'!!!!
My DD was about 4, long ago, and DH was best man for a friend at a wedding with a reception in a naice hotel. The morning after the wedding, DH took DD swimming in the hotel pool and into the men's changing rooms afterwards. Getting dressed after the swim, both of them were shivering a bit.
"Daddy," DD says in a piercing voice, "why is your willy so small?"
Also in the changing room were the entire Arsenal football team.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Oh my op this is great ! I've giggled so much !
My Dd was always coming out with cringe moments , I still laugh now when I think about nanny visiting one weekend and after a few moments sat snuggling up she asked my lovely mum
" nan how old will I be when I have a moustache like yours ???"
just read this whole thread and some of these are hilarious.
angel answered the door to a neighbour the other day and shouted up the stairs "mum its Elaine the pain". i nearly died! she laughed it off and said that was what her dad called her but i felt awful
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