What's the worst/funniest thing that a man has ever said to you after having sex?

(256 Posts)
makemineamalibuandpineapple Wed 14-Aug-13 22:34:01

I had been having a fling with a guy I had met online. He had come over and we had just DTD 5 times!! It was 3am and I was showing him out and he said "We'll touch base" grin I thought, "I'm never going to see this man again". And guess what, 3 years later I still haven't. Thankfully I am now loved up with my lovely bf but that still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.

Aoifebelle Sun 23-Mar-14 13:13:41

Oh forgot to say must be rendered in rural northern Irish accent for full effect.

Aoifebelle Sun 23-Mar-14 13:09:59

A friend of a friend was at a hen do in Dublin. She pulled. Apparently the dude was a pleaser, started with some foreplay. She looks down as he was giving her oral pleasure and says " none of that mucking about now, just horse it in there". This is now a well used phrase as in "How much sugar do you want?" "Oh, just horse it in there". Shit laughing every time. Try it.

YoureAShoe Wed 12-Mar-14 18:38:26

First time I ever dtd I was the second person he'd had sex with after a years break. Once we'd finished he said "it's not as good as I remember it" shockshockshock
He later apologised and said he meant it's nerve wracking the first time with someone and that he forgot the first time is never the best!
We're now engaged! grin

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Fri 07-Mar-14 16:56:16

Not actually during sex but (rather optimistically) in the pub on a first date.

When we get home I want you to ride me like a rodeo cowboy. Look deep into my eyes and show me how much you want me.

Ermm yeehaw and adios

BritishGal Wed 05-Mar-14 00:07:55

I had "Mmmm.....yeah......my spunk is really boiling now......" Once. <boak>

YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo Sun 10-Nov-13 21:19:54

'I thought you were joking about this being your first time, that's why I answered my phone during' oh well that's alright then angry

LittleAprilShowers Sun 10-Nov-13 20:42:55

Not after sex but regarding sex.

A few weeks ago I went down to the living room in the morning with DD, and switched TV on. babestation had been on (weird channel where naked women thrust at the camera while apparently speaking on the phone to dirty pervs). DH sometimes watches it on a night time, which I don't really mind as it means he isn't bothering me for sex lol and I have been known to like alone time too.

However on this occasion I asked him to change the channel before he came up to bed as I don't want DD seeing it in the morning.

We talked about it for a bit and he said he doesn't really wank to it but he likes to "watch it so he can get in a horny mood before he comes to have sex with me". His face dropped when he realised what he said, apparently he didn't mean it like that he just worded it wrong.

Twat is still paying for this mistake.

Stellarpunk Sat 02-Nov-13 19:25:58

I was told this one by an old boss who ran a pub who was renowned for his practical jokes.

One night whilst him and his long married DW was in bed he started scratching himself before loudly proclaiming 'Gladys! Gladys! I think I've got crabs'. Before she could utter a word, she found a (thankfully) dead crab sailing towards her.

Made me laugh. She was a good sport.

Anothermrssmith Fri 01-Nov-13 20:25:40

I have literally just choked with laughter! Actually a bit gutted I have nothing to add (though did once get 'condoms still up there' but that's nothing compared to some of these!)

ilovemybum Thu 31-Oct-13 23:47:49

Not me but my best mate.

She had liked this older man for ages and they were always flirting with each other. This went on for years until she finally got the opportunity to take him home. They were DTD and he proudly says 'my penis is in you right now' grin she never looked at him in the same way!

eden263 Sat 26-Oct-13 15:48:24

Oh, and another one. Same ex said, after the 3rd or 4th time, 'That was better, I actually imagined I was doing it with you that time.'

Ouch!

eden263 Sat 26-Oct-13 15:42:33

Loving reading through all these. Have just remembered my own classic. I was 18 & had just DTD for the first time. He finished & I actually said 'was that it?' ROFL! We were together for 9 years & it never got any better either!

ForwardSheCried Sat 26-Oct-13 05:46:17

One bloke I went out with, years before I met my fiance, used to scream ''ORGASM!!!!'' at me at regular intervals when we were at it. This was not a good way of getting me there on command, or at all, really.

Needless to say, that relationship didn't last long at all.

eden263 Sat 26-Oct-13 04:30:37

'Drink from my fountain!' Holy cow! That's the best/worst!

Nothing too bad after, but one BF, the first time we slept together, he was going down there and said 'Eyes down for a full house'! Luckily I didn't hear/register it, but he later confessed, in absolute shame and disgust at himself, that he'd said it. One of those weird moments of awkwardness where your mouth takes on a mind of its own!

moanymandy Thu 29-Aug-13 16:08:49

I was once giving now dh a bj, just at the crucial moment as he came I gagged and puked in my mouth! shock I had to run to the bathroom!
dh was a little wtf but we had a good laugh about it! we have been together too long to worry about things like thay!grin

BogStandardOldWoman Thu 29-Aug-13 15:55:18

'Yes! Squeeze my balls!' Squeeze?!

TwoStepsBeyond Thu 29-Aug-13 10:38:08

Nacho, I asked DP to say "drink from my fountain" the other night, we both ended up in fits of giggles, but he couldn't bring himself to say it! One day...

Kendodd Wed 28-Aug-13 23:40:50

H once leaned over and threw up straight afterwards.

A friend of mine, about 25 years ago, had crabs, he was meeting this bloke he really liked, brought him home for sex and told me he had handed this poor man a bottle of lotion straight afterwards with the advice "rub it on all over, leave it on for 24 hours and you should be ok". So he said anyway.

MamaMary Wed 28-Aug-13 22:36:43

Love the 'surprise' of the tiger mask grin

DIddled Wed 28-Aug-13 22:07:26

Please think up some more, I need cheering up!!! 'Dance for me' has particularly amused me!!!

NachoAddict Mon 19-Aug-13 20:31:56

I have to admit that I was mega disappointed that after my fellatio efforts last night dp failed to say drink from my fountain.

That was the only reason I bothered!

PedantMarina Mon 19-Aug-13 16:18:21

OK, who's going to be the first of us to namechange to "DrinkFromMyFountain"?....

SisterMonicaJoan Mon 19-Aug-13 15:40:53

o'cock grin freudian slip indeed!!

Tbh, he could have read out the shipping forecast as well, boring as it was!

Dontlookbehindyou Mon 19-Aug-13 07:06:40

zing I only just name changed after venturing too close to aibu I'll just stay with it lol

ffs o'clock, freudian slip. Actually could you imagine a different headline every few seconds and the a "and finally". grin

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