I work in childcare and need to keep up to date with children's TV shows so I know what the kids are on about. Please could you explain a show each in just one sentence. And please could somebody do Ben 10?!
eg, Teletubbies: 4 coloured blobs with various antenae prance about life eating toast and custard aided by a possessed hoover.
Mr Bloom's nursery: Beeb thinks that children will be more likely to eat veg if they form relationships with them first, such as Margaret the cauliflower and Sebastian the posh aubergine. Might work if only to rescue them from the clutches of their oversized elf captor.
Big Cock Little Cock, sorry cook: Big Cock is too gormless to kill little Cock for flying around on a spoon. Between the two of them they can only do one dish for a nursery rhyme character in 20 minutes, so thankfully seem to have closed their cafe down.
Dirtgirlworld - cartoony little girl with the facial features of an adult woman pouts and winks grotesquely and prances around like a damn fool whilst teaching children about gardening and conservation.
Green balloon club - a group of annoying little idiots put on their best stage school smiles and bore on about the environment.
Wooly and Tig Spoilt horrible little bitch who has a pretty good looking mum and her dad was the gay copper in taggart. The girl cries and sulks the minute things aren't going her way or she drops a chocolate button or some other trivial nonsensical shit! Parents drug the kid to get her to shut the fuck up and in her drug induced haze she starts talking to a little goody two shoes totally unrealistic looking Scottish spider. Girl calms down, lather, rinse, repeat.
Justin's House - Award winning, shiny faced, frustrated housewives' totty Fletcher whores himself in a self-indulgent megalomaniacal fashion, whilst wiggling his bottom, doing endless pratfalls and getting covered in custard pies, as his adoring camp robot housemate/butler swoons over him and 200 confused toddlers look on and come in too early with the egotistical theme tune.
Green Balloon Club - Four posh stage school children who need a good slap read woodenly from the autocue (apart from Cat who is actually quite OK), joined by a couple of 'nice' adult presenters and a well-trained dog. They pretend to fly through the sky in a pedal-powered hot air balloon, taking in nature reports from the ground from proletariat children who are 'club members'. Usually concludes with a song about plants, trees or insects. Let's do...the waggle dance.
Let's Play - Man & woman live platonically in 2D paper house, fight over who is going to be the chosen one for the day by doing an insane and scary dance involving cloning and gurning, both ending up in the story anyway, playing a host of transsexual characters in ill-fitting costumes then later have to act as if they knew nothing about any of it.
Carrie and David's Pop Shop: known to our family as 'Carrie and David's Pop Sh..' due to the speed of turning off the TV once programme is announced. One of the duo, obivious which, must have made it into Children's TV on the merits of certain other rather specific favours.
Numtums: As description above, but will give you mild depression if you happen to watch around the time of needing a shower and the obvious similarities to 'Mumtums'.
The Octonauts: live in an Octopod under the sea that seems to operate like a giant sphincter. Crew put Octo before most nouns. There is usually a kelp forest that wipes out the Octopod's Octo-no claims bonus.
Rastamouse: If taken passively in the morning, there is no way that you will be able to turn your mind to anything adult and dull later without the theme tune repeating on you like a plate of fried onions.