Gaahhh, can you sew up a belly button?

(133 Posts)
TotallyBursar Sat 15-Jun-13 22:15:54

Or maybe stuff a cork in it or something?

I shifted some garden waste earlier and I was annoyed but not worried by a very itchy waistband.
I had tree bits everywhere but we were burning it all & would only get more scratchy bits on me so I left it. This was my first mistake.

I got in the bath and my belly button was still stabby and itchy, so I armed my self with tweezers to try and get a splinter out.

It was not a splinter.
It was a fecking huge bug of unknown species, at least dog sized, probably carnivorous. I would be prepared to swear I saw fangs.

It obviously saw my weaponry and made a dash for it...down my leg <shuddering at the memory>
It's gone now but I don't know where...I can feel it watching me. It could swim, nowhere is safe.

What if waits unti I'm asleep and tries to eat my face? What if it liked my belly button and decides to get back in ?

<weeps>

<considers putting ant poison in umbilical horror show. Who knew it was that cavernous? I'll probly need a whole bottle sad >

MrsHoarder Sat 15-Jun-13 23:05:28

Can you wear a onesie? With elastic bands at all possible points of entry.

BeaWheesht Sat 15-Jun-13 23:05:46

Hilda - you're evil

TotallyBursar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:06:43

Trinity shock.

Thank fuck it's not! Anyway, didn't give off the vibe it was smiling and happy to just be chillin like that cricket.

Now I have to perform some kind of sacrifice - well, the last cat to shit in a shoe is really, really going to regret it now.

I never expected to be the saviour of humanity - maybe you can put up a plaque? Just something small & tasteful 'She didn't want to but Mumsnet left her alone and fearful - of such things heroes are made' maybe drop by with something on my birthday. A naice hamwidge maybe. I like naice ham.

MadBusLady Sat 15-Jun-13 23:07:01

Ssh, Hilda. It's getting way too crowded in here.

cocolepew Sat 15-Jun-13 23:08:01

DH has a ridiculously deep belly button. Lord Lucan could be in there for all I know.

starfishmummy Sat 15-Jun-13 23:10:22

Cover your belly button with duct tape. While you have the tape out you should probably cover any other orifices that bugs might crawl in to. So you can still breathe - drape your head with some net curtain and then tape it round your neck to keep it in place.

cocolepew Sat 15-Jun-13 23:12:07

If it has laid eggs, once hatched they will probably need to escape through your belly button. If you block it they will have to look for another orifice to get out. You might want to consider blocking up your nose, mouth, ears, eyeballs and any other holes you may process..

TotallyBursar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:13:02

And yes, I am ignoring the rest of you - I am very literally pretending my eyes did not skip over your words in brain melting horror.

I'm very much thinking of nailing that cupboard door shut - you are some scary, scary people.

Entirely coincidentally I have found out one roll of duct tape is sufficient to close all garment gaps.

If the police find my remains they will think I am a kinky, slightly dangerous, fucker considering what I have had to do to protect my orifices.

I'll be in the news.

It'll be worse than 'died of a dangerous wank'

nohalfmeasures Sat 15-Jun-13 23:14:47

Ooh, we could write a horror movie between us without any problem!

TrinityRhino Sat 15-Jun-13 23:15:03

who the fuck died of a dangerous wank?

wtf IS a dangerous wank?

HildaOgden Sat 15-Jun-13 23:17:28

The newspaper will also say you were infested with creature larvae,and we'll all think you were manky hoists judgy pants up(keeping belly button safe)

wonderstuff Sat 15-Jun-13 23:18:58

Until 5 mins ago I was quite sad that my belly button had been all stretched out to the point of no return when I was pg. now I'm quite glad. thanks

CSIJanner Sat 15-Jun-13 23:19:30

Smoother your belly button with Vaseline. If its still hiding in there, it will suffocate. If it tries to get back in, it's feet will slip like Daffy Duck on ice and it won't be able to grip on.

Just don't stand close to an open fire should you choose to smoother your entire self to stop the bug from hell heading back to body snatch. Use the force Bursar-one.

HildaOgden Sat 15-Jun-13 23:20:15

Trinity,I'd say she means auto-asphixia.....although there was a woman in Ireland who died from having sex with a dog,turns out she was allergic to dog semen.I kid you not.What a way to find out shock

LemonMousse Sat 15-Jun-13 23:20:36

I think the 'dangerous wank' needs further explanation - come on OP it will take your mind off your larvae infested belly button things.

TotallyBursar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:20:37

Noooooo

I am not manky. No one said Ripley was manky (well she was a bit when the alien sex happened) but noooo.

Trinity - autoerotic asphyxiation, it has caused more than one newsworthy accident. I always thought they could have just lied a bit.

Dp regrets asking why I were laughing like a hyena & is currently hmm confused

TrinityRhino Sat 15-Jun-13 23:21:41

'allergic to dog semen' bloody hell, thats crazy grin

not as crazy as having sex with a dog...

TotallyBursar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:23:45

Vaseline! HAH!

CSI for a reason evidently. However, if it fails & you are called here. Please inform the press I had all my clothes on, and there was absolutely no sign of trying to do a diy job of plugging my holes with the wax from several babybels.
Thanks.

Was this your garden you were in?
There's more than one you know.
They'll be outside waiting for you to leave the house. You'll have taken away the queen or something.

Don't go out again. <nods sagely>

TotallyBursar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:27:36

My dog is a girl.
At least that's one slur Hilda won't be able to accuse me of.

I never thought people into bestiality might need to do a patch test.

I also really hope I don't know anyone that would benefit from this info shock

HildaOgden Sat 15-Jun-13 23:29:14

Oh God,I hadn't thought of that....what if you have the Queen?That will seriously piss the worker creatures off....I wouldn't sleep easy at all tonight if I were you.

Still,not to worry....I'm sure you will be fine.Probably.

TotallyBursar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:30:10

The Queen.

My brain just did a big fat fucking nope to that.

<gets angry, finds weapons, prepares to be the last line of defence>

HildaOgden Sat 15-Jun-13 23:33:51

The dog involved was a German Shepherd.And he was kept in quarantine for at least 6 months after,because the guy who brought the dog to her was charged with murder and he was fighting the case (but wanted his dog back afterwards).It was one of the weirdest cases ever,one of those that makes you think 'you never know what goes on behind closed doors'.

She was a member of the Neighour Watch Committee too,if I remember right.Which made it seem even more surreal to me.

TotallyBursar Sat 15-Jun-13 23:37:09

What?!

Murder by dog semen? That would take some planning? Although I really don't want to think about all the possibilities.
My horizons have been doubly broadened tonight.

Ew. I am feeling better about my predicament now though. Yeesh.

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