Webchat with Tristram Hunt, Labour education shadow, MONDAY 27 April at 12 midday ×

This is my very last resort - ideas needed to help me find my dad, brothers and sisters

(669 Posts)

I haven't seen my Dad for over 25 years, my Mum left him and then came in with another bloke one day and informed us that this was our new Dad and that was that.

She won't give me his proper name but I know the name everyone called him and he was well known where he lived, she won't tell me where and when he was born, in fact we no longer speak so I'm never likely to be able to find the information out at all now all I know is he lived in a little Lincolnshire village.

About 16 years ago she did manage to track a phone number down for him (after years of harrassment) and I had a brief conversation with him but she decided she didn't like it and burned the number and his address that I had written down as well as the phone bill.

Back when I spoke to him he was waiting for pretty major surgery on his heart so I'm not even sure if he is alive now and if he is he is in his 70s and when we spoke he did tell me I had brothers and sisters (he said all in all he had 16 children by goodness knows how many women) but I don't know their names apart from a brother I had who died and three older sisters I have whos names are my middle names (although one of them died as well I don't know which one).

I have tried the salvation army, trawled through public records (which is hard because I only know the shortened version of his name not the full name) called local pubs and shops where he used to live some of who knew him but didn't know where he was now and the local police station who couldn't do anything to help, as well as going on missing people and family tree and similar websites.

What else can I do? I feel like there is a huge part of my history I don't know and I would like to even just know if he is alive or not and maybe try to track down his other children. There is also the fact that my sister died from SIDS before I was born (according to my Mother) as did my son and I had a daughter who died from a genetic illness which there is no trace of on my Mothers side of the family and I would like to know my family history from his side to be able to tell my children.

Could someone give me any more ideas of what I can do to try and find out where he is or is it a lost cause? I don't know where to turn anymore its like banging my head off a brick wall and I'm just about ready to give up sad

Hello everyone,
To retain some RL privacy, we've edited out some names and replaced them with a B. Hope this has no effect on reading this amazing thread.
Thanks.
MNHQ

MrsVamos Wed 17-Jul-13 17:00:20

Followed your thread but not posted, Missy.

Wonderful to read, I am so happy that you get your happy ending.

ajandjjmum Wed 17-Jul-13 17:00:29

Lovely to hear. smile

Thesunalwayshinesontv Wed 17-Jul-13 17:06:07

De-lurking to express my respect, OP, of your tremendous fortitude. What a truly life-changing thing this has been for you, I'm sure it will take months if not years to truly settle down within your new family context (for want of a better word). Makes me think that you must have a family (with your OH/children) of incredible security and strength to go through this and still sound so positive and decent.

Good for you. Warms the cockles of my heart.

Thank you again for your lovely messages.

Maxine my Dad did feel lucky until I issued him with an invoice (after I sussed out his sense of humour) for pocket money over the years, factoring in the rise in inflation and interest grin he said he couldn't afford it and would have to come and clean for me for 13 and a half years to work it off.

Horry thank you, I understand what you are saying, sadly the evidence I have now proves beyond any doubt that my Mother really was out for herself and her husband and not me or my brothers at all. I guess saying that my childhood was a lie is maybe a bit dramatic, but she did lie to me every day and I have found it really hard to come to terms with. I think you are right though that if we were on better terms things might be different and I might hear her out and find some way to forgive her, as it is I can't.

Thesun Thank you very much, what a really kind thing to say. I really am very lucky to have my dh and my children, they have been there for me giving unconditional support (except when they all failed to mention I had mascara down my face the first time they met Dad and kept laughing at me until I noticed myself, evil people). It has been really life changing, but also, with how close we are now, its almost like its been that way forever, if that makes sense.

I'm also very lucky to have had the support I have had from all the Mumsnetters who helped me find my Dad and wished me well along the way. I am very, very fortunate, and I know I am also very fortunate that it has all worked out so well, a lot of people aren't so lucky.

FruOla Wed 17-Jul-13 19:01:37

Gosh Missy. I did think that you must have found out some things that you really weren't expecting - and it must have been very difficult for you to absorb that information.

But how lovely that you're beginning to build a relationship with your dad again.

I hope the next few months give you both pleasure in re-forging your daughter/father relationship so that you all have a wonderful Christmas together - and that all of your futures as a family continues to be fulfilling for everyone.

Thank you FruOla MissMarple said to me earlier that I went into this fully expecting my Dad to be the bad guy, but aside from what I already knew of my Mother, I wasn't really expecting much more to come out about her really, so it did knock me for six a bit.

I think I am just about there with coming to terms with it now, I know the whats, wheres and whens, I don't really know they whys, and I don't think I ever will now, but that's OK, I can live with that.

I guess, from what you have said on here, that you have a good understanding of what this has been like, so I hope that things are OK with you as well.

FruOla Wed 17-Jul-13 19:29:50

I haven't got as far as you have - and mine are different circumstances to yours. But I am aware that what one has been told, historically, doesn't always match to the reality.

I'm sorry to hear that FruOla and I thank you for the support you have given me on here, it must have been quite difficult to be going through a similar situation and I'm humbled that you have been kind enough to help me while dealing with your own family circumstances.

magimedi Wed 17-Jul-13 19:46:05

I've lurked on this thread & have to come out & say how very happy I am for you.

I have something in my eye that I have to go & deal with.

FruOla Wed 17-Jul-13 19:58:05

Oh boy. What you've been through - and what you're still going through - is massive.

I feel humbled to have been allowed to hear about your search and reunion.

Thank you for your kind thoughts flowers.

mag I have had constant 'hayfever' since the end of may grin so I feel your pain there.

Fru if there is any way I can help you at all with your search then please do let me know, I have become a bit of an expert recently and have the names of a few different people who can help you when you are ready, depending on where you need to look.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 17-Jul-13 20:41:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FruOla Thu 18-Jul-13 06:46:12

Thank you for your kind offer Missy flowers

MissMarplesBloomers Thu 18-Jul-13 08:44:26

Gosh isn't the hayfever bad this year sniff

I luffs this lot of vipers I really do .....grin

So happy to hear your wonderful update! This has been on my watch list for weeks now, and I was fearing we would never hear from you again! So pleased it has worked out so well for you and your dad. Wishing you years of happiness in the future. x

Breezy1985 Thu 18-Jul-13 23:43:42

Just spotted this thread, live close to Bassingham so had to read it all and im so happy you found your dad smile

MissMarplesBloomers Fri 19-Jul-13 20:19:42

<waves to Breezy from nearby too>

Was in Bass getting an ice cream......the Spar was so lovely & cool I didn't want to come out! smile

WingDefence Mon 22-Jul-13 20:49:52

I'm so glad to see this update - congrats Missy!

So happy for you! And thanks for the update.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now