This is my very last resort - ideas needed to help me find my dad, brothers and sisters

(669 Posts)

I haven't seen my Dad for over 25 years, my Mum left him and then came in with another bloke one day and informed us that this was our new Dad and that was that.

She won't give me his proper name but I know the name everyone called him and he was well known where he lived, she won't tell me where and when he was born, in fact we no longer speak so I'm never likely to be able to find the information out at all now all I know is he lived in a little Lincolnshire village.

About 16 years ago she did manage to track a phone number down for him (after years of harrassment) and I had a brief conversation with him but she decided she didn't like it and burned the number and his address that I had written down as well as the phone bill.

Back when I spoke to him he was waiting for pretty major surgery on his heart so I'm not even sure if he is alive now and if he is he is in his 70s and when we spoke he did tell me I had brothers and sisters (he said all in all he had 16 children by goodness knows how many women) but I don't know their names apart from a brother I had who died and three older sisters I have whos names are my middle names (although one of them died as well I don't know which one).

I have tried the salvation army, trawled through public records (which is hard because I only know the shortened version of his name not the full name) called local pubs and shops where he used to live some of who knew him but didn't know where he was now and the local police station who couldn't do anything to help, as well as going on missing people and family tree and similar websites.

What else can I do? I feel like there is a huge part of my history I don't know and I would like to even just know if he is alive or not and maybe try to track down his other children. There is also the fact that my sister died from SIDS before I was born (according to my Mother) as did my son and I had a daughter who died from a genetic illness which there is no trace of on my Mothers side of the family and I would like to know my family history from his side to be able to tell my children.

Could someone give me any more ideas of what I can do to try and find out where he is or is it a lost cause? I don't know where to turn anymore its like banging my head off a brick wall and I'm just about ready to give up sad

Hello everyone,
To retain some RL privacy, we've edited out some names and replaced them with a B. Hope this has no effect on reading this amazing thread.
Thanks.
MNHQ

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 23-Jun-13 22:18:09

I tihnk Missy is having some time out of MN to get her head round it all.

<my presumption not knowledge>

MM - hope you're OK. xx

HopHopHoppitySplash Mon 01-Jul-13 13:22:42

Oooh put this on my watch list but only just caught up, I hope you had a lovely time meeting everyone!! grin

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Mon 01-Jul-13 14:31:17

I'm really surprised Missy hasn't been back here.
Hope all is OK.

FruOla Mon 01-Jul-13 18:06:17

Really, Bewitched? Really?

I'm guessing she found out all sorts of things which she wasn't expecting. It must be so hard to come to terms with things like that.

(I speak as an adopted person - you never know what the realities were)

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 02-Jul-13 00:08:14

I always got the impression that Missy was realistic in her expectations of her reunion with her father. I can imagine that meeting so many other family members at the same time must have been overwhelming.

I'm not underestimating the magnitude of what she's been through. I have three people very close to me who were adopted and I went through their discovery of their history with them. My brother was the most disturbing.

Missy started the thread as a last resort, and she had the most incredible help tracing her story. So yes, I am a bit surprised that, after a couple of weeks, she hasn't been back - she did say she would.

I certainly didn't mean any criticism, and if you think I was insensitive I'm sorry.

queenebay Wed 03-Jul-13 16:43:05

Would love to hear an update

shiningcadence Fri 12-Jul-13 10:02:29

I was following missy's journey at the start but then I lost the thread so I was so pleased to see it in classics today and to see that she'd found her family. It's put a massive smile on my face.

I can't blame her for not updating, it's an awful lot for her to take in I bet. I think an update that she has found her dad is enough for me. Maybe things were said that she doesn't want to discuss here. We don't know that she hasn't pmed the posters she was in contact with personally, although tbf she did thank everyone upthread.

CheerfulYank Wed 17-Jul-13 08:54:41

Amazing, have only just read this whole thing.

Hope it all went well. xx

H

Whoops, sorry, a cat just dived on my keyboard then.

Hello everyone.

Firstly can I apologise for not being back on before now.

I really did, and do, appreciate everyones support and help. And am so very thankful to everyone on here and who PM'd me.

Basically I had to take a bit of a break from everything after meeting my Dad.

He is so very lovely, we have spoken every single day, I have been to see him a few times and he has visited me, we are going on holiday together in a few weeks time, its the best outcome I could ever have hoped for.

I haven't met any siblings yet, but I have spoken to some, and met cousins, my niece and great nephews and other random family members that I haven't worked out the relationship to yet, its all going really well.

My Dad gave me a box of papers when I met him, not to make my Mother look bad, but to prove that he did try to see us.

The papers were all court papers, letters he had sent, that had been returned, nasty letters from my Mother, and some other things that I don't really want to go into, but they are proof that my whole life, every minute of it, was a lie, every minute of my childhood, which was awful, could have been prevented.

It also showed me that my Dad, and he fully admits it, was a bit of a shit when he was with my Mum, nothing like I was lead to believe, but it wasn't good, but it also documented the steps he took to correct his wrongdoings, and the proof, and continued proof that he continued with his good behaviour (sorry can't think of a better way to put it) for years and years, even though my Mother continually refused to have anything to do with him, or let us have anything to do with him.

If the courts then were like they are now I would have had my Dad in my life, but back then they were geared towards the Mother, not towards the Dad or even the good of the child.

I really needed to take the time to get my head around it all, which I still haven't tbh, but I thought that you all deserved an update.

Anyway, as hard as it is, and it is really, really hard, to not look back and be bitter, I need to look forward to the future, I have the perfect Dad (he bought me shoes, I am easy pleased) brothers and sisters who I will be meeting soon, my kids have a Grandad who they absolutely adore, and he adores them (you should have seen us all in Lincoln town centre when I took them through, we were all a soppy sobbing mess of tears and smiles and cuddles, I dread to think what people thought).

And once again, thank you to everyone, absolutely everyone, for all of your help. I feel like the centre piece of the jigsaw puzzle has been put back in my life and it all makes sense now.

I am a very very happy bunny and I will be forever grateful to MN for that.

No need for an apology, but thank you for the update.

I love MumsNet

zimbomaman Wed 17-Jul-13 12:01:51

flowers. Lurked and cheered and hoped that it all turned out well for you. So glad that it did.

There are always two sides to the story.

VivaLeBeaver Wed 17-Jul-13 12:04:44

Ahhh MissyMoo - I'm glad it went well. flowers

MaxinePeakedistrict Wed 17-Jul-13 12:14:10

Fantastic news - so pleased for you. Really heart-warming to hear you're having such a happy time with him.

Portofino Wed 17-Jul-13 12:18:48

Oh - how lovely! grin

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 17-Jul-13 12:21:50

How fabulous Missy and thank you for the update.

Have a wonderful holiday smile

MissMarplesBloomers Wed 17-Jul-13 12:23:47

Awful for you to hear about your Mothers misguided <being charitable here> efforts to control your life ,but so happy for you that your Dad has come back into your life & is standing up to the plate & being adoring parent & Gparent to make up for lost time.

sob <hugs>

Missy

I am so happy that things have worked out well with your Dad. Give yourself time to adjust to the changes and enjoy your holiday.

CheerfulYank Wed 17-Jul-13 13:19:02

Oh Missy I am so happy for you. Seriously tearing up here...

Thank you again.

Yes MissMarple misguided is a good word, I shall use that in future and that should cut the money I put into the swear jar by at least 85% grin

I feel a bit like my whole life has been turned on its head, its a bit like watching a film and finding out, right at the end, that the good guy is really the bad guy sad

My Dad actually reminds me a lot of my brother, they have the same sense of humour, and he and I have heaps in common, I have always wanted a canal boat, and he had one for ages, we like the same foods, have the same opinions on lots of weird things, the same taste in music, he has also kept various things that my brothers and I made/bought for him in our very early years, he did give me some of my pictures that I drew, which have now all been replaced with pictures from my children (which cover his whole kitchen now, poor man).

Oh and one of my sisters has 2 children with the same names as 2 of my children, well one exactly the same and one with a longer version which is usually shortened to my dds name.

The relationship I have with my Dad now, although its still in the very early days, is literally perfect, its so, so much more than I ever dreamed of.

Slainte Wed 17-Jul-13 14:43:18

So happy to hear how things have worked out with your dad.

Oh I forgot to say as well, he is also coming for christmas, super organised this year grin

MaxinePeakedistrict Wed 17-Jul-13 16:48:29

Your Dad must think all his Christmases have come at once! He must be so, so thrilled at having his daughter back.

Lovely update, Missy.

For what it's worth, if someone had behaved badly towards you and your children it would be incredibly difficult to forgive and forget, or to believe that they really had changed, so don't feel too much that your childhood was "a lie" or anything. It may well be the case that for years both your parents thought they had your best interests at heart and were fighting hard to protect you.

Good luck with your future with your family x

MissStrawberry Wed 17-Jul-13 16:52:43

Oh Missy

I am so so happy for you.

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