fecking animals are driving me nuts and i am going to kill them all

(219 Posts)
TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 08:39:12

cat. In and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and food food food food food.

BigDog. Follow cat and breathe and pant and herd and pant and bark and herd and breathe and bark.

SmallDog. When not shagging the cat wilk not leave BigDog alone. Nose up arse and lick and lick and yap and yap snd lick snd sniff and luck and sniff.

All. The. Fucking. Time. Round. And. Round. And. Round. In. Circles.

I no longer love them. In fact I hate them all.

Potassium? Bananas? I have 10 bananas next to me.

<eyes dog>

Though I don't like bananas either. But banana vom more palatable than shitty vom. Just.

Now bastard loud cat is being bastard loud, and I'm trying to cook tea and all the cat food is in the car. She will have to starve.

Has anyone done the "picking up a cat as they're doing the barfing song" dance? I had to do that the other day and spent ages spinning around trying to decide if front or back door was closer. Which meant the projectile vom was neatly splattered in an arc all over the walls of our hallway. Was tempted to let bastard dog clean that up too.

abbyfromoz Tue 26-Mar-13 18:13:17

DD (almost 2) constantly shouting 'out dide! Out dide dirls! Do! Do way!'
Can you guess what i am shouting at our dogs all day?confused
Stinky, sniffy, food stealing, moping around, under feet, bum licking, jumping up, nutty barking at nothing, in out in out in out, begging, sneaky dogs! Can't hate them though... But do hate their blardy furr stuck to my socks arrrrgh!

abbyfromoz Tue 26-Mar-13 18:15:56

Aaah and lead pulling! Fingers snapping off from cold and they are pulling and wheezing. Will attach a sled soon. MUSH!

DollyTwat Tue 26-Mar-13 18:18:33

Don't tell anyone but I hate the guinea pig

It's my ds' pet but he doesn't do anything for it. Do I have to clean it out, feed it endless veg and hay. It's a pooing machine

It's never been friendly
I'm sorry, I'm a bad person

LisaMed Tue 26-Mar-13 18:22:28

The vom song - I know it well. Evil cat has skills in this. She has always eaten too fast, she didn't work out what flavour was until she was eight (she's nineteen now and evil). So you would hear her frantically stuffing her tabby face, then a pause, then 'yowl, yowl, yowwwwllll...' Then the most revolting, convulsive heaving noises. Then second hand catfood all over the carpet. She would go from the kitchen where there was lino to the dining room where there was carpet as she would only barf on carpet. Or slippers. Or once another cat. And then she immediately begs for more food! She can make a simple barf last twenty minutes.

SecretLindtBunny Tue 26-Mar-13 18:25:01

The comment about pulling reminded me of my old girl. Christ she could pull a tractor if needed she was so strong. My right arm is longer than my left by about two inches. I blame her even though the bitch has been dead 2.5 years

kiwigirl42 Tue 26-Mar-13 18:31:26

frantically stuffing her tabby face grin

only good thing about the greedy chocolate labrador - it'll eat cat sick if it beats me to it ... I make sure she does!

So far this evening

Cat wants to come in. Let cat in.
BigDog follows cat. Runs away every time cat looks at him.
LittleDog thinks this is a hilarious game and follows BigDog following the cat.
Cat gets pissed off, hisses and scratches BigDog.
BigDog cries and jumps on the sofa.
LittleDog copies BigDog.
Both dogs run over the sofa 4 times.

Cat walks away.
BigDog follows cat. Runs away when cat looks at him.
LittleDog follows
Cat pissed off, hisses, BigDog and little dog cry and run up and down the sofa.

Cat wants to go out. Let cat out.
30 seconds after I shut the door, BigDog wants to go out. Let BigDog out.
30 seconds after I shut the door, LittleDog wants to go out.

Cat wants to come on. Let cat in.
Sit down with coffee. Big dog wants to come in.
Get up, let BigDog in.
Sit down. Lift cup to drink coffee
LittleDog wants to come in. Get up. Let LittleDog in.

Sit down with slightly cold coffee. Cat miaows like a mad thing for food. Both dogs join in.
Get up, feed animals.
Throw cold coffee down the sink.

Cat walks away. Big dog follows. Little dog follows BigDog.

You know the rest.

Fucking stupid animals.

Passthesaltdear Tue 26-Mar-13 18:33:05

Cat shat on my bed so I took him to vetshmm The vet said its because he's not happyhmm The CAT is not happyconfused

JenaiMorris Tue 26-Mar-13 18:36:45

Pass, would you have been happier if the vet had given him a stern telling off?

usuallysickonaswing Tue 26-Mar-13 18:36:49

I have Bastardcat, who will lie lovingly purring on your knee until he is suddenly taken over by The Dark Side and sinks his teeth into your flesh, without warning. The Hitler 'tache should have been an omen.

Also Twonkdog, the most pointless animal on the planet. Gets out and follows random strangers through the countryside, proving himself to be harder to shake off than herpes. Has his own cell in the local dog kennels, where he normally ends up after one of his 'adventures'. He also steals food, particularly butter, has a tail that is exactly the right height to swipe wine glasses off the coffee table and despite being a labradoodle, moults enough hair to stuff a mattress on a daily basis.

And Fatlass, the retriever. She sits in mud and barks, mainly. Occasionally comes in to share her mud with us, and that's about it.

Then there's the shit. Oh, the shit. Soooooo much shit...

Cockadoodlequack Tue 26-Mar-13 18:39:41

Oh blimey, the pulling!

MadLab2 used to strain and pull so much his eyes would be rolling, his mouth foaming and he would make a noise like a donkey trapped in the air con. Nothing could convince him this wasn't necessary. SmallDog was apparently jealous of the evil glares we got from strangers when walking them, so decided to join in.... but developed the extra trick of shitting while walking in the hopes you wouldn't notice the trail of dog shit spread thinly along the pavement, therefore elicting better evil glares from passers by. Bastards.

abbyfromoz Tue 26-Mar-13 18:45:40

Have bought halti. Which mutt dog will be the lucky one to try it? Only one. 2 dogs.
Vet had one- thought pet warehouse would have 2... Nope only one. Should have bought one from the vet! confused
Ah they're following me again...

RandallPinkFloyd Tue 26-Mar-13 18:49:00

Whilst I was out of the house for the first time since Thursday, stupid sodding dog got bored and has eaten her collar.

Not chewed, eaten. All that's left is the buckle.

So now I'm back on poo monitor duties which in this weather means scouring in over a foot of snow for crapsicles.

Ridiculous animal.

Iatemyskinnyperson Tue 26-Mar-13 18:55:04

Do yours always lie in EXACTLY the wrong spot? Bottleneck in kitchen? There he is. Doorway in sitting room? Perfect for a little lie-down. I spend my life stepping over the fecker.

He is an ardent shit-eater. I have posted before about the grimmest of the grim. I shall not repeat, merely hint: ds2 caught short during D&V bug. Dog got there first. I couldn't look at him for days... blush

I must admit, I have used him strategically during those traumatic early toilet training days whistles innocently

Oh, the halti.

Bastard dog used to run sideways, like a crab, with her nose almost touching her shoulder whenever I put one of those on her. She would also do her "staffie screech" whilst doing it, and people would look at me like I was abusing her, not trying to take her for a lovely, peaceful walk.

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Tue 26-Mar-13 18:56:24

This thread is an absolute disgrace.

You should all be reported to animal welfare and the police. I mean, if this is your attitude, what are you doing with animals in the first place.

Your animals want to be with you, because they love you (I have no idea why shock, but they do, the poor things).

I'm reporting this thread to mnhq in the hope that they can use your ip addresses to locate you all in real life, call the police and have you all arrested on animal cruelty charges.

I am rarely shocked by threads on mumsnet, but really, this is just dreadful.

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Tue 26-Mar-13 18:57:05

<waits to see if anyone bites>

<glares at fatcat who seems to manage to take up the whole of a 6 ft sofa confused>

Toomuchtea Tue 26-Mar-13 18:58:01

The most bastardy of bastard things is the proliferation of those bloody cat videos. And cute cat photos all over EVERYWHERE. Why? Why? Isn't it enough to have the bastard animals at home without plastering them all over Facebook and YouTube? It's the virtual equivalent of cat shit and cat hair. Bloody everywhere.

Bastard cat hates me. And my daughter. And I was the one that rescued bastard cat and her two kittens, alas deceased; bastard cat carried on regardless. She hated her kittens too, and perked up no end once they both met their end on the road.

Cockadoodle, oh, you made me laugh...

Cockadoodlequack Tue 26-Mar-13 18:58:19

Randal, consider yourself lucky. We've discovered the occasional sock in the garden after StupidDog had attempted to digest it. But once she ate a teatowel. Devoured it without a trace. We only knew because we took her to the vets because she hadn't eaten her breakfast (could only be something serious to prevent that) and was looking sorry for herself. Multiple hundreds of £ and an operation later, the vet asked if we would like it back as it was almost completely intact (we think he was joking). StupidDog had actually choked down a teatowel, whole for nothing apart from her own enjoyment. She would do the same again. Dogs, wtf.

This thread is fantastic grin . We have no pets currently, but when I was younger we had a CuntHamster. Little bugger would hang from the top of his cage and aim a stream of piss out through the bars. Also would only sleep in his food dish. At first we thought it was just the dish that he liked, so we put his food in a different dish and his bedding in the first one. Nope, just moved on to the new food dish. Also, he appeared to have quite the taste for human blood.

We also had a SuicideFish. It's bowl was on a shelf in the kitchen. Every morning for about a week we came down to find SuicideFish flapping about in the sink, having catapulted itself out of the bowl and in to the sink. My mother finally put a pair of tights over the bowl to keep the fucker in.

RandallPinkFloyd Tue 26-Mar-13 19:00:44

You lie, from what I've seen you're in a state of permanent outrage. You big po you.

If anyone wants a truly terrible shit related story I could recount the time ridiculous dog got into the cat litter tray, ate cat shit, puked cat shit, ate cat shit puke.

Her breath was unpleasant to say the very least.

Salmotrutta Tue 26-Mar-13 19:07:18

Best. Thread. Ever.

grin

I have 2 bastards cats. They are too lazy to do anything but murder small furry animals and drink out of the toilet hmm.

We have to keep the lid down at all times now.

abbyfromoz Tue 26-Mar-13 19:09:25

I can't jeep a straight face reading these.
Yes muttdogs remind me of those fish that attach themselves to whales... Or the birds that sit in the hippos...hmmm meaning i am said hippo or whale... Metaphorically speaking.
Wherever i am, they are there... Bad enough having a 2y/o watch you piss. I have an entire audience.
Shall we talk about poo?
Muttiest of dogs (aka MD1) likes to roll in it- preferably straight after a bath. Au de mutt. What's that you see muttdog? Duck shit! Oi oi! Puppy foie gras!! Buon appetite!

RandallPinkFloyd Tue 26-Mar-13 19:11:47

Mine had to be unzipped as a puppy too Cock, she'd eaten a sock whole, it got wrapped around in her intestines and was rotting. Mmm. Thank god for pet insurance that's all I can say.

Since then she has learned much from this lesson. The list of non food items eaten consists of (but is not limited to) 4 bibs, numerous pairs of shoes, a pair of pyjamas, a bottle of bubble bath, 2 pairs of slippers, the beading from around the floor, the arm of a sofa, 3 slats from a set of horizontal blinds, her lead (leaving only the buckle again), the sky cable, several nappies (boaktastic), a leather boot, numerous pants and socks, a book, 2 DVD cases, a razor and now her second collar.

She's had to be crate trained for her own safety. Ridiculous animal.

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