50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

(473 Posts)
TiggyD Fri 29-Jun-12 21:05:56

Bernard met Beverly.
"Hello Beverly" said Bernard.
"Hello Bernard" said Beverly.
All Beverly's clothes fell off. Bernard smacked Beverly on the bottom and put his winkie into her woo woo.
"Ooooh, ahhhh, mmmmm, thank you Bernard" Said Beverly. "That was very nice. Can we try fisting tomorrow?"
"Maybe" Said Bernard mysteriously.
Bernard went back home to await the plumber who was due at about half past four to sort out the problems with Bernard's toilet, although Bernard was pretty sure it was caused by his poor diet, he thought he'd get it checked anyway.
Beverly went back to her home and thought about all the fun she would get up to with Bernard in the future chapters, and to comb the dried semen from her hair.

Next chapter please...

NoLogo Sat 30-Jun-12 18:40:22

"Only after you have bent over Beverly" commanded Bernard masterfully.

Beverly did as she was bid and he slipped a couple of scotch eggs he'd gotten earlier from the petrol station (Ginsters brand, 'cos he's a millionaire) up her womanly chuff.

Now go and get me a fruit shoot he commanded, his lovely slacks billowing like a marquee, no less, with his cheesy tumescence.

NoLogo Sat 30-Jun-12 18:45:16

Beverley was so aroused, she squelched like a slug to the kitchen, leaving silvery trails in her wake.

BonkeyMollocks Sat 30-Jun-12 18:47:42

Beverley couldn't help feeling like a chicken with eggs in her chuff.

dementedma Sat 30-Jun-12 18:50:33

crying with laughter - absolutely brilliant!

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 18:53:51

Beverly didn't think she could take the feeling of fullness up her sex much longer without some release. The breadcrumbs and sausage meat were tickling her apex like nobody's business.

'Bernard', she whispered. 'Come here and do me like you've never done me before.

'Very well, my sweet' he replied. 'I'll fetch the custard while you slip into the broccoli costume.'

NoLogo Sat 30-Jun-12 18:54:18

A Chicken with eggs up her chuff, but a big pulsating cock in the boudoir.

As she waddled towards Bernard, he pole-vaulted with his enormous stiffy across the bedroom toward her.

MattSmithIsMine Sat 30-Jun-12 19:03:51

Slowly she slid the stockings down, ever so carefully she took off the silk cami, and stood back and looked at Bernard in all his glory.

'Now it's my turn to get undressed' she whispered.

She seductively rolled down her spanx with a sexy thap thap sound.

BonkeyMollocks Sat 30-Jun-12 19:06:48

The 'thap thap' sound turned Bernard on so much he could feel his palm twitching...

NoLogo Sat 30-Jun-12 19:08:13

She bit her lips, then licked them, "I'm really looking forward to Nandos tonight Bernard".

picnicbasketcase Sat 30-Jun-12 19:12:28

'What's the use of your palm twitching, I want to see your other exciting twitchy bits. You'd think by now I'd want to go home to my own modest apartment and have some wine with my witty and urbane photographer and journalist friends, but you're like an addiction.'

'Baby' murmured Bernard, sounding a bit like Barry White. 'tonight I'm going to take you to the very limits of physical painpleasureness.'

And with those words, he slung his cape around him and led her slowly to the newly decorated Forest Green Room of Fuck.

Beverley's breath hitched as she walked into the Green Room of Fuck. Afterall the Red room of pain was one thing but this was taking it to a whole new level.

Bernard slowly unzipped her tasteful navy shift dress wot she had borrowed off her bezzy mate.

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 19:45:23

....Tracey the Lezzie. She hoped therr wasnt any lezza love juices on it. That would just be distasteful.
The thought quickly left her head as Bernard salted her clitty flap ready to eat the scotch eggs.

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 19:46:22

Bernard grin , as he drank some wine . Bev was pissed off and bit her lip .
He didn't even offer her a brew . Just stood there like the masochist he was. Staring at her biscuit biscuit .

He promised to take her out .
They drove in the hugely expensive car to the penguin sanctuary , where they waited on Bernard's mystery txter .

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 19:50:25

The mystery txter never appeared , much to Bernard's disappointment , but bev was sure she could see a woman standing behind a wall , crying with laughter whilst simultaneosly biting her lip , and also waving a big shiny crazy diamond .

Bernard came as he stared at the penguins .

Then asked if he could take one home . He was bored with the goat .

cocolepew Sat 30-Jun-12 19:54:16

"Penguins make me horny" snarled Bernard. He p-p-picked up Beverly and inserted his pole.

puffyankles Sat 30-Jun-12 20:00:40

Beverly bit her lip and part of it fell off.

"Bernard" she lisped, "I am turning into a zombie. Let's make a plan".
The thought of chunks falling off gave Bernard the extreme horn.

"I'm going to spank your bottom with your own arm" he said, disarmingly.

CherryBlossom27 Sat 30-Jun-12 20:03:19

Yucky but so funny grin

Bernard gazed at Beverly with his penetrating eyes. He had two penetrating eyes, one penetrating eye on the right, one on the left.

Beverly felt Bernard penetrating eyes penetrate her.

She felt....penetrated.

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 20:11:01

Bev bit what little of her face she had left , whilst bernard rammed her hard with the arm.

Sighing as she glanced around , noticing a Pedlers catalogue . Her foofa quivered , as she saw a 6 foot stuffed moose with purple antlers holding a keep calm sign amongst the forbidden pages.

Disappointed at Bernard's efforts she grabbed his iPhone before he had the chance to shove it up again , and suggested they google dragonbutter .

Bernard quivered and dropped the arm with shock .

Milngavie Sat 30-Jun-12 20:11:59

Bernard had an OFRS in high gleaming, marble and sandstone office. One of the blonde minons was charged with keeping it safe and accessible.

The OFRS had emergency paddles, pallet tape, clingfilm, ties and nipple clamps in its dark depths.

Bernard was slick with horn at the thought of the emergency supplies, he masterfully bundled Bev into the helicopter to collect the OFRS.

Bev oggled at his slacks hanging from his hips, his erection plain to see through the cloth.

ColinFirthsGirth Sat 30-Jun-12 20:14:11

but Beverly reached down into the penguin enclosure and pulled out a dead fish. "Spank me with this instead Bernard" she said in a breathless voice. Just the thought of that fishy aroma made her sex throb.

Bernard spanked her all over with the turbot.

droves Sat 30-Jun-12 20:16:18

The turbots sex trobed ... The penguin quivered , then ran away as Bernard's eyes penetrated its glistening , wet feathers .

cheeseandpineapple Sat 30-Jun-12 20:16:21

Suddenly it was too much for Bev and she announced they were going home.

They got home and Bev put on the tea for a nice cuppa. "Forget the tea" said Bernard, "if it's some hot wet stuff you're after, I can sort you out."

"To be honest, Bernard," said Bev stifling a yawn, "I really just fancy a cup of tea and a chocolate finger"

"I can chocolate finger you" said Bernard.

"To be honest Bernard, I'm kind of tiring of all this. Can we just have a nice cuppa, watch the box and have an early nice without any of this hanky panky. How about we just have some of these lovely long delicate chocolate fingers?"

Bernard was disappointed but realised he needed to compromise.

He grabbed a handful of chocolate biscuits, shoved them up his arse and waved his butt in Bev 's face. "help yourself to chocolate fingers, Bev, with extra chocolate..."

Bev hesitated. Could she really do this?

Fate intervened, pressure building up in Bernard's gut from the makeshift butt plug could be contained no longer, the chocolate fingers exploded from Bernard's arse and rained over Bev.

"For god sake Bernard, what a bloody waste of chocolate fingers, fortunately I've got a chocolate orange left over from Xmas but don't be getting any ideas about that you dirty git."

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