I pooed on my skirt at work today

(326 Posts)
silverbay Thu 29-Mar-12 23:06:39

Namechange

I am not a poo troll.

I almost never poo at work. Today was an 'upset tummy' day.

I was wearing a rather huge, billowy Maxi skirt and I must have lost track of exactly where it all was while on loo. Nasty.

Had to do damage limitation with looroll in the cubicle, then stealthy washing in handbasin, all the while praying no-one would come in.

I got away with it. blush

I have a feeling you aren't going to believe me.

GravyAndALumpyMashBaby Fri 30-Mar-12 17:48:55

Drywipe Who the hell leaves their friend out cold on the kitchen floor?! With two chldren in the house with them?
I hope you made sure everyone knew what they had done! What if you hadn't come around on your own? How vile of them.

In their defence I don't think they knew I had knocked self out and were trying to be discreet and leave me alone in a stressful moment.prob felt awkward being there.but funnily enough they are not friends of mine any more!

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney Fri 30-Mar-12 17:51:26

Dry white, seriously, they left you unconscious on the floor with 2children
and left???? Did they know you were knocked out??? shock

MrsMuddyPuddles Fri 30-Mar-12 17:53:41

drywhite, I do hope that these are now former friends! shock

Hecate, we want both stories, of course! grin

RunOrRioja Fri 30-Mar-12 17:54:25

At Uni was watching a friend play in a five a side final, he was goalkeeper. Just after the second half started he went in for a lunge to kick the ball out. He did it then ran straight to referee. Game called off for five minutes.

Poor friend had shat himself. This was in year one of a three year course. He was and is forever known as "you know Jim, the one who shat his pants"

Drywhite is that really true? Your friends left you? Unconscious and with a toddler and a baby?

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney Fri 30-Mar-12 17:54:56

Oops xpost with drywhite

Come on Hec fess up.

Have posted this story before, but here goes Do not read if delicate ;

In my wild younger days, I had a one night stand with someone I knew from a nightclub. It was all very satisfying in my drunken haze.

Awoke the next morning (at his) hungover and shagged out. On looking over at the man, I realise i had gotten my period at some point that night. I realise this due to what can only be described as his beard of blood complete with a clot on his cheek like a little tear drop.

I scampered before he woke and never went back to that club

blush blush blush

'if I move I'm going to poo' just cheered up my day hugely.

JustHecate Fri 30-Mar-12 17:58:46

grin How did I guess?!

period - Went with my husband to meet some of his friends for the first time. This was early on in our relationship.

We spent a nice evening together, even when the wife of his friend asked me "what do whites eat?" and I told her jellied eels and pigs' trotters [going straight to hell emoticon]. I was wearing a lovely pair of creamish trousers.

Get to the end of the evening, and we are preparing to leave. I go to the loo. To discover I have started my period. Heavily. And my cream trousers are totally crimson all round the crotch area. They must have been looking at that all evening. <dies>

Poo - very very drunk/ill (drunk!) and on the loo but needed to vomit. Bent over the loo and began throwing up. So far so good. What's not so good is that while I was throwing up I was also having projectile diarrhoea. With every heave, out it came from both ends. Turned round and it was 3/4 of the way up the loo door. I was trying to clean it up off the door and floor but it was so disgusting that I vomited into it.

I have assorted farting in front of people stories, but, tbh, after that - they'd just be a huge disappointment.

<checks this is in Chat so it will vanish>
<presses post>

Blu Fri 30-Mar-12 18:04:18

I will never buy a waterfall cardigan or other long and drapey garment from a charity shop ever again.

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 30-Mar-12 18:14:34

When I was pregnant (about 5 months) I thought it was a good idea to have a day-old doughnut for breakfast with an Airwave to take the greasy taste away.

Then set off for an Open Day at DH's work, 20 miles away.

He had to screech to a halt next to a Victorian park in a vair posh area, full of old couples taking constitutionals and scarily-fit runners.

Cue me sitting on a low wall, sweating, retching loudly and letting rip the loudest and most viciously carrying farts I've ever done before or since.

KisMittz Fri 30-Mar-12 18:39:06

Can we involve sick stories!?

On a train in Prague with a violent D and V bug. There were NO toilets on the train, and I was with students..... no carrier bags blush rather than pebble dash the packed train of, for some reason predominantly elderly women, I vomited copiously into my own top.
We then had a further train journey, a bus journey and a walk back to the hotel......
Where the bastards rest of my group scarpered to the nearest bar, leaving me, very ill, to clean myself up. weeping in a COLD shower......

14UnitsMyArse Fri 30-Mar-12 18:41:43

<boak> confused

Gemtubbs Fri 30-Mar-12 20:11:19

I was in the living room talking to my sil, I was on the sofa and she was sitting on the floor. I accidently did a massive fart, which to my horror turned into a fanny fart iykwim. my sil was really offended and asked if I'd forgotten where I was or something. I'm laughing as I type this haha.

Gemtubbs Fri 30-Mar-12 20:12:26

I forgot to say that it was more or less in my sil's face. blush

Gemtubbs gringringrin

gabsid Fri 30-Mar-12 20:25:20

I don't think I want to hear this!

gabsid Fri 30-Mar-12 20:25:56

Sorry, read about this!

Gemtubbs Fri 30-Mar-12 20:27:30

gabsid, you on the wrong thread. [smile]

My poo story isn't as embarrassing, but I thought I'd share it anyway. I was in transit through heathrow when I was desperate for a poo. The DSs were about 4&5 so I left them with the luggage and strict instructions not to move. I went to the loo and had explosive diorrhea but when I flushed, the water level kept rising till it was level with the top of the bowl. Then the flush stopped working and the water level remained high.

By this time I was worried about the boys being left outside, but I was also conscious of a huge queue of women waiting for a cubicle.

I stayed as long as I could, but eventually just scarpered, found the DC and left the area.

Gauchita Fri 30-Mar-12 20:29:45

Ggirl, I'm crying here with laughter! grin I can picture your mums face ha ha ha <weeps>

CupOfBrownJoy Fri 30-Mar-12 20:40:13

Great thread - I'm just going to leave my "farting mum" story before I finish reading....

I was doing Pilates next to my mum, in a big gym class. We were lying on the floor, in silence, all concentrating on doing those exercises where you lift one leg in the air and jiggle it about lots (sorry I'm sure there's a technical term but I only went to about 2 classes...).

Anyway everyone was concentrating really hard and my mum let out a little tiny fart. I think she thought she had got away with it, but I creased up laughing on the floor next to her, and then the laughing spread slowly around 5 or 6 women around us - they had all heard her. My poor mum was mortified, especially when the instructor asked us what was wrong and I said, clear as a bell "sorry, mum farted" grin.

Luckily by this point my mum had got the uncontrollable giggles as well....

ok off to read some more now - LOVE the M&S story grin

Gemtubbs Fri 30-Mar-12 20:43:11

lol cupofbrownjoy! grin

CupOfBrownJoy Fri 30-Mar-12 20:54:43

ok, hmm do I post this or not?.... here goes

I have never admitted this to anyone before.... blush

I was walking the dog once after work, across a couple of big fields with a stream running through them, no-one else around.

I'd gone quite far when I suddenly felt the urge to poo. I turned around and started heading for home. Fairly casually at first, then rather more quickly. Eventually I got to the point where if I went any quicker I was going to poo myself, but any slower and I was definitely not going to make it in time.

To my eternal shame I had to think of a plan B, and quickly. Thank God the place was still deserted - I ended up dropping my keks, squatting in the stream and doing a humungous poo right there in the shallows. I just hope I didn't contaminate anyone's drinking water or anything. I had to try to clean myself with a wet pebble blush

Honestly, I wish I was lying....

I don't know if I feel better or worse for having 'fessed up to that... confused

RightUpMyRue Fri 30-Mar-12 20:59:03

"If I move I'm going to poo"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA grin

Too funny.

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