I pooed on my skirt at work today

(327 Posts)
silverbay Thu 29-Mar-12 23:06:39

Namechange

I am not a poo troll.

I almost never poo at work. Today was an 'upset tummy' day.

I was wearing a rather huge, billowy Maxi skirt and I must have lost track of exactly where it all was while on loo. Nasty.

Had to do damage limitation with looroll in the cubicle, then stealthy washing in handbasin, all the while praying no-one would come in.

I got away with it. blush

I have a feeling you aren't going to believe me.

ThePinkPussycat Fri 27-Apr-12 23:37:03

ChocDee my long lost sister! I was sure I was the only one in the whole wide world.

The down side of having a DM to assist is that there were then 2 people in the household who are aware of what happened. I suspect this is part of the reason why I remember it so well...

Both memories are still very active - we have had a chuckle about it since a couple of times! I am nearing 60 and DM is in her early 80's. That's a long time to share a memory like that particular one grin

In branch of Bathstore with DS (then about nine months old) and DD who would have been 3. Keep smelling shit. Apologise to man at desk for what I assume to be DS trumping continually. DD has vanished to wander round showroom. I get up to find her and leave store and find she has planted an enormous smelly turd in not one, but two unplumbed loos on display.

We left quite quickly after that.

realhousewifeofdevoncounty Sat 28-Apr-12 01:11:26

Ooooo, I have a recurring dream that for some reason I haven option but to do a poo on a toilet in the middle of a big public space with no cubicle. Your story just reminded me!

realhousewifeofdevoncounty Sat 28-Apr-12 01:27:29

I had a bit of a d&v type thing that came on whilst staying over at exps house when we first started going out. I managed to remain fairly dignified throughout, but after several trips to the loo my bum was getting very sore so it was hard to clean up properly, and there was probably an element of leaking/sharting so I ended up essentially with skiddy pants. It was one if those situations where I'd just put the bare essentials in my handbag, but luckily I had brought some spare undies, so I screwed up the soiled ones and shoved themback in my handbag. We went out somewhere the next day and my phone started ringing in my bag. Exp went to reach into my bag and I of course shouted at him not to look in my bag. Thing is he was a paranoid jealous fuck (would have got a right roasting on here!) and he if course went ballistic thinking I was hiding something from him. In the end I just had to shout "ok, I shat myself and my shitty pants are in there. HAPPY NOW?!" A red flag if ever there was one! grin

ladymariner Sat 28-Apr-12 09:28:13

I knew my hubby was 'the one for me' after we'd slept together in the very early days of our relationship, not just because of the sex, but because whilst laying snuggled up I sneezed, but then did the most humongous fart at the same time (this was whilst we were still in the stage of being incredibly polite and nice, you know, before you get to know each other properly grin ). I was mortified, but he just grinned and asked me if that was my party piece......
My smile of relief faded when I then realised it wasn't just a fart and had to leap out of bed and dash to the bathroom, whereupon an event of cataclysmic proportions took place, it was truly horrendous. I stayed in there ages and slunk back to bed to find dh, as he is now, had made me a cup of tea and asked me if instead of the bottom falling out of my world, the world had fallen out of my bottom.......

bonzo77 Sat 28-Apr-12 09:52:32

Before going to a student fancy dress party I filled a half litre fanta bottle half and half with vodka and martini (sophisticated) and necked it in the taxi there.

Half an hour later I was paralytic on the toilet floor vomiting and with each heave shitting myself. Another student a year above me took pity and actually came with me in a taxi home because I was in such a state. Oh I must have stunk. And then I went straight to bed. Woke up thinking I must have trodden in something!

plugplant Sat 28-Apr-12 10:03:24

My au pair loved designer clothes so we went to a Village outlet one day and we were having a perusal in a quiet designer store where the shop assistants were dressed immaculately, as we were, for the occasion.

I was holding my 3 month old baby as we didn't want the hassle of a buggy and I heard the tell tale 'rumblings' while she was in the changing room and I was outside looking after all our bags.

She came out just in time and I whispered we needed to change her, just before we were able to exit, to our and their total and utter unbelievable horror, the nappy leaked and poo was dripping everywhere.

realhousewifeofdevoncounty Sat 28-Apr-12 10:07:52

That's love ladymariner!

ScoopThePoop Sat 28-Apr-12 16:58:56

whomovedmychocolate Children pooing in those toilets must happen a lot!
Err, I don't mean your children doing it.

ChocDee Sat 28-Apr-12 18:44:30

Dear Pinkpussycat,
My story has NEVER EVER been told before. You are the only person I have told my tale to. And that is only because you are family, being my long lost sister and all!

Gooshka Sat 28-Apr-12 23:38:05

I can honestly say that I have never laughed at a thread so much in my entire life, I have streams of tears running down my cheeks!! gringringrin Ladies, your honesty and witty accounts of your experiences is extremely admirable. Thank you for entertaining me whilst DH watches Match of The Day. grin

LolaAnn Sun 29-Apr-12 16:17:07

This thread is pure gold.

So here's my poomiliation story...

I was about 16 and staying with a bunch of our best friends and family in one open plan room in some strangers house for a huge new years eve party. Everyone was just in sleeping bags and mattresses on the floor.

About 10pm there is video of me doing about 12 tequila shots with some random. At 11pm my boyfriend (now DH) comes upstairs and finds me comatose in bed.

7am the next morning, I wake up stupidly scream (waking up most of the people around us who witness the following) and jump out of bed (somehow I'd gotten naked during the night) with poo EVERYWHERE, it must have been the biggest crap I've ever done in my life and it was all over me, my sleeping bag and the mattress. I remember running downstairs and jumping into the shower with all my bedding, the stench was awful. My DHs brother saw the whole thing as he was right next to us and so did a lot of my friends (me naked screaming and covered in poo).

After a while my DH hauled the mattress outside and we hosed it off. A day later we saw a couple lounging on it in the sun........................................................................................ :S

Bumblefeck Thu 24-May-12 12:09:55

Hahahahahah this thread is awesome grin

I read a couple of stories out to my OH and instead of laughing, as it right and proper, he looked totally horrified and said "you women are disgusting" grin

ModreB Sat 16-Jun-12 19:45:45

Went on a shopping trip with DH, and was intending to meet my DM in the town centre. Except as we stood waiting at the meeting point, near to the toilets, DM ran past, shouting "I need to go". Disappeared into the public loos, and was in there for ages.

When she finally emerged, just ran straight past us again, this time hissing "Got to go, just shat myself". She did leave a spattered brown trail behind her as she ran away.

DH was blush, I was shock and as for everyone else nearby (think busy shopping centre on a Saturday) they stood round looking at us in disgust, as if it was our fault grin

Gabeesh Fri 20-Jul-12 07:14:55

When I was a teenager I was in a school play (this can't end well). I had to wear a day-glo pink satin suit ffs, and had a massive crush on one of the cast members. After our opening night I got home and discovered i'd come on at some point in the evening and there was a huuuuge bright red stain on the seat of my trousers - unmissable. My mum swore she hadn't seen it while I was on stage (I was on stage a lot) but to this day I have no idea when in the evening the stain had actually appeared and whether my mum was just being nice.

horseygeorgie Sat 21-Jul-12 23:09:21

Oh thank God its not just me!

I have a history of having a dicky stomach. One christmas i was working at a stable yard, very big place. I got a desperate urge to 'go', unfortunatly i was 50 mins from hom and the yard had no loos - cue me driving to the nearest bridleway, ducking behind the hedge and exploding everywhere. Luckily i had a baby wipe with me!

A few years before that, i had a similar one, on a yard, need to go, no loo. Had to line a skipping out bucket with straw and go in that, the deposit in the muck heap!

The worst one was a couple of years ago. At the end of a hard day, i was standing on the yard chatting to the other grooms and my boss, plus the farrier, and to my horror i felt the urge to go...tried to suck it back up but to no avail and alas, i shat myself. Murmered a 'need to go, don't feel well' and got out of there pdq. Had to drive 15 mins home to the loo sitting on my coat, all the time pooing. then got home and couldn't open the door. Not my finest moment!

Not as bad as my friend -i was living with her at the time and she had a hot new BF. They went to bed for the first time, about 30 mins later she came running into my room crying but wouldn't tell me what happened---turned out she was giving him a BJ when she had triggered the upchuck reflex and thrown up all over his Johnson! He was brill about it and they are now married!

LivingInABubble Tue 31-Jul-12 17:50:15

I am loving this thread, I have never doubled over laughing at a thread before! Lots of stories here, may pluck up the courage to write some later!

Iheartpasties Sat 22-Sep-12 10:38:18

I have never laughed so much - this is truely the funniest thread ever!

Amytheflag Tue 08-Jan-13 00:11:06

Adding to this classic thread after laughing over it and then needing a poo!

This is a story about one of my exes. We were at the airport and were going through the bit with all the moving walkways in between the shops and the plane bit. Ex needed the toilet so I played on the walkways while I waited. And waited. And waited.

Eventually he emerges all pale and white. I come off the walkway and walk towards him and then I smell it. He stank of shit. He just looked at me and his lip wobbled, almost crying he was, and whispered "I've pooed myself". I was like eh? And he said again "I've pooed myself. It's all in my shorts". Luckily we had some money left so I had to do a mad run to the shop, buy him some shorts and run back looking like a lunatic. He changed in the loo and left the shorts on the floor because there was no bin. Nice find for the cleaner!

Aaaaand same ex, similar story. We were living my uni accommodation and had locked up, halfway to the train station (5 min walk) when he said "I need the toilet can we go back?". I was annoyed because we were running late for the train so I asked him to hold it until the station. We got to the station and the toilets were shut for cleaning. He started to panic so we left the station to try McDonald's. We were halfway across the road waiting at one of those islands bits when he said "I'm pooing. It's going down my leg". shock He was nearly crying and he shuffled along with me to McDonald's and went into the toilet. Luckily he had his spare trousers from staying at mine but he came out with his pooey pants in a plastic bag and dumped it in the bin in the street.

I had to try so hard not to laugh both times haha! I also promised him I would never tell. Whoops!

Amytheflag Tue 08-Jan-13 00:11:54

Leaving not living*

chickensarmpit Tue 08-Jan-13 00:20:43

I know somebody who went for a sleep over in a friends back garden. In the middle of the night they were caught short and had a poo behind the tent.
Then they blamed the dog when the offending log was found the next morning.
I wonder who that was hmm

Passthesaltdear Tue 08-Jan-13 17:57:48

On holiday in brazil at a very small intimate restaurant with my sister. Suddenly my stomach started churning and I knew I needed to get to a toilet- fast! There was just one toilet at the back of the restaurant next to the kitchen and only a couple of feet from other diners, and it had one of those doors where you can see your feet at the bottom and your head when you stand up. I couldnt help myself but have very noisy and smelly diorreah, much to my horror. We left quickly and my sis said that the whole restaurant had heard and smelt everything. I'm still mortified all these years later....

MumVsKids Wed 09-Jan-13 20:09:04

I've read this thread over a couple of days and have literally cried with laughter, so much so that I've had to read some out to DH!!

He has his own to add if I may:

DH is a plumber/joiner and is self employed, a few years back he was working on a block of converted flats and found himself needing to poo quite urgently, so he chose one of the flats which had had a new bathroom fitted and installed himself on the loo!

He did the biggest poo he ever did, flushed and left the loo as he found it. It was only when he went out onto the scaffolding that he realised that the soil stack outside the flats was yet to be connected blush

There staring up at him from the scaffolding boards was the very same poo he had flushed not 5 minutes before.

He never told anyone until he told me tonight!!! grin

MumVsKids Wed 09-Jan-13 20:12:54

DM also had an incident at an airport, just was we were about to board the plane, and she shat her pants in the queue and ended up going commando on a 6 hour flight a the luggage had already gone to the hold.

My only poo claim was whilst camping last year. The porta potty was full, and it was dark, but I had to go, so I lined the porta potty pan with a carrier bag, pooed in it, tied it up and slung it as far into the woods as I possibly could.

It was fine until he dog of the friends we were camping with retrieved the carrier bag the following day and bought it to the camp fire blush - queue lots of "eeeeww" noises from me and everyone when it was discovered what was in the bag!

maxmillie Wed 09-Jan-13 20:17:19

That plumber one is hilarious! What did he do with it?

You don't expect to be confronted with your own turds!

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