Mumsnet Talk

Wouldn't have young teachers, (in fact it wouldn't have teachers at all - we all know they are work shy feckers... it would be staffed by proper grown ups),
it would have carrot washing and peeling built into the school day,
would be open for 365 days a year 'cos the hols are very inconvenient and teachers get too many of them,
it would have separate changing rooms with ensuite bathrooms for all kids so that their dignity can be preserved,
it would have enough staff so that every child could be helped to put their trousies on the right way after PE,

I am building my application for the MN Free School/Academy AIBU??

And would have a specific team of staff to listen to every child read twice a day and move them up reading levels (obviously not boring ORT) accordingly...

No afterschool clubs that charge anything. ever.

It probably shouldn't have...
- Rules about what can go into lunch boxes
- School gates (parents seem to cause lots of problems at those pesky gates)
- Committees of any kind

Oh, there'd be a specific team of staff for EACH child. One to proof read all letters home, one to speak to 'mum' in the playground, at length, at hometime, one to whip up a suitable midday meal, one to advise on what to wear on the school run, and a drop off/pick up playground clique mediator.

In fact, it probably just shouldn't have other parents. It's always the other parents who are unreasonable.

To cut out the middle man all homework/letters/projects/fancy dress notices will be issued direct to parents at bedtime the day before they are due.

Only employ single teachers without a family or life outside school so they can be on call 24/7 and then they can be available for 7.30pm meeting any night of the week for poor working parents who can't manage a phone meeting or 8am / 4.30pm (not talking about parents evenings here, just a qucik "can I see you this after school" meeting)
Provide 3 course meals that are healthy and tasty, but cost nothing and the staff ensure the children eat every last scrape of the meal even if it's stuff parents can't get them to eat at home.
Ensure every child achieves above average results.

The cane for everyone except my own child.

I can feel this application getting legs. Have got Mr Gove on the phone as I type.

There was me thinking this might be a serious thread ..... so you don't want to know I'd have tai-chi in the morning? followed by a cross country run, all weathers I'm afraid EVERY DAY, followed by a good rousing sing-songy assembly, rounded off with the Lords Prayer...... and a compulsory attendance to a cadet force of your choice (St Johns Ambulance for the conchies)

Gove actually thinks that all children should get above average results. Makes you proud to be British.

Don't forget; parents can have as much holiday time as they like and the teachers will provide one-to-one catch up when they get back.

If Gove thinks that we have a real problem with his grasp of maths!

Abigail, I like your thinking. You can be Vice Principle.

Troisgarcons, I think you are getting my free school confused with the chalet school

What's the pension like?

There will be special sick room where children can spend the day, even if they have D&V, so parents can still go to work.

Abigail, surely you will never retire?!! We do the job for the love of it, not any sort of renumeration

Lynette, how could I have forgotten that. And not just D+V, but all those pesky kids with chickenpox etc..

I know, Abigail. Your comment was genius! Shall we make Gove milk monitor and tell him all the children are entitled to free milk but his budget is below average?

There should be a dedicated person whose job it is to locate and return lost property.

Getaway, no. There will be a dedicated person to lovingly label each childs clothes.

And someone to sew name labels in everyone's clothes!
No you don't want to employ me I should be planning now; what a slacker!