Hmmmm? If there was an MNtrance exam, what would the questions be?

(317 Posts)

1. Are you able to understand irony?

a. Yes
b. No
c. Maybe
d. I never irony - just give it a good shake when it comes out the machine
e. All of the above
f. None of the above


SinisterBuggyMonth Tue 07-Jun-11 13:51:36

Match the following phrases in section a with those in section b

section a

Sense of entitlement
Breast v Bottle

section b

Those on benefits with Council Houses
I did the right one, you didn't

FriggFRIGG Tue 07-Jun-11 13:54:00

fruitshoot anyone?

<looks innocent>

You can park in a P&T space if

a. you have children
b. you have children with you
c. you should never miss an opportunity to prove your parenting superiority by expertly marshalling your children out of the car and across the car park with no fuss, single-handed.

FoundWanting Tue 07-Jun-11 14:07:58

In 500 words or less, describe the advantages and disadvantages of a 'Ramekin Intervention'.

Boden prints are only suitable for pre-schoolers. Discuss.

buttonmoon78 Tue 07-Jun-11 14:10:37

Discuss social mobility. Your answer should include two or more of the following:

1. ff
2. fruitshoots
3. sausage rolls from well known bakeries

lemonmousse Tue 07-Jun-11 14:21:06

Put apostrophes in the correct place for the following statements:

1. My MILs a bitch.

2. Are Greggs sausage rolls acceptable for a childs packed lunch?

3. My husbands a twat and Im shagging the window cleaner.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 07-Jun-11 14:21:35

Using your logarithmic table, explain the judgy pant height ratio to the following transgressions
a) allowing a child to wear sparkly shoes with heels. (Additional 10 points if you can include a reference to 'Hooters' in your answer)
b) Discovering that a friend you believe to be on benefits has been sighted in Waitrose.
c) A 75 year-old woman has had the audacity to tell off your darling 6 y.o. PFB for covering her in tomato ketchup in the condiments aisle at Sainsbury's. (Marks will be deducted for swearing)

Nullius Tue 07-Jun-11 14:21:38

What are "huns" and "lol" ?

a) Never heard of them

b) The work of the Devil and completely banned in my life

c) A friendly form of punctuation

tickTOCKtickTOCK Tue 07-Jun-11 14:27:02

1. How many pieces of tupperware do you own, and where do you keep them?

a) None, I only ever eat McDonalds and Greggs

b) Too many to count, and they all fall out of the cupboard every time I open it. I'm not sure why I'm keeping them but they'll come in handy one day

c) under 10, all with matching lids and neatly stacked

2. Do you have a Zombie Plan? Is your OFR packed and ready to go?

Portofino Tue 07-Jun-11 14:29:55

The Daily Mail is:

a) the work of the Devil
b) a damn fine read
c) the cause of at least 50% of MN threads

Place the following in order of outraged disgust felt:

a) Mooncups
b) Toilet brushes
c) Showering Daily
d) Not Showering Daily
e) Fruitshoots
f) Wank socks/crispy sex towels (use of and position on floor of both)
g) Wearing shoes indoors
h) Anyone who has made different life choices to your own.

lovecheese Tue 07-Jun-11 14:38:50

If the mother of a primary-school aged child, do you know BY HEART the colour order of the National Curriculum book bands?

GinSlinger Tue 07-Jun-11 14:41:50

Fruit question - choose from one of the following:

A: Give examples of when it would be acceptable to eat grapes in a supermarket before they have been paid for.

B: Give examples of when it would be unacceptable to eat grapes in a supermarket before they have been paid for.

C: What if I don't buy grapes but feed my DCs from the pre-cut fruit before it's been paid for?

Amaretti Tue 07-Jun-11 14:44:43

Decoding question. Do you understand what is actually meant when people say -
A) possibly the most well known school in the country
B) boisterous
C) truckers
D) never evr wera anythnig under white trouses excetp a tampno

Psammead Tue 07-Jun-11 14:51:02

Someone has used the last of the pearl barley.

Was it

1. You
2. Your DH
3. The nanny
4. There is no end to the pearl fucking barley.

Thingumy Tue 07-Jun-11 14:54:26

make sure you add 'does he watch alot of porn?' onto as many threads as you can.

ExitPursuedByAKitten Tue 07-Jun-11 15:00:57

What do you do with your used tampons?

a) Flush them down the toilet
b) Pop them in the bin kindly left in the bathroom
c) Wrap them and put them in your pocket to dispose of later
d) I use mooncups

Psammead Tue 07-Jun-11 15:05:56

How much do you spend on the DC at Christmas time?

1. Over 100 pounds
2. Between 50 and 100 pounds
3. Between 10 and 50 pounds
4. Under a tenner
5. Nothing. I knit them new scarves out of dog hair and they share one tangerine.

fuzzpigFriday Tue 07-Jun-11 15:07:18

What is poo x poo x poo?

Psammead Tue 07-Jun-11 15:09:16

Excellent one!

Trinaluce Tue 07-Jun-11 15:09:57

Yeesh: I don't think I'd be allowed in on this basis wink

1. Am I being unreasonable?
a) Yes
b) No
c) biscuit

2. Do you own a lavatory brush?
a) Yes
b) No
c) brew

3. Do/did/will you breastfeed?
a) Yes
b) No
c) wine

fuzzpigFriday Tue 07-Jun-11 15:10:35

Compare at least two theories about the existence of Cod, and explain how these theories influence mumsnetters.

strandedbear Tue 07-Jun-11 15:11:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lostinwales Tue 07-Jun-11 15:13:24

Ramekins, can you ever have too many, discuss.

lostinwales Tue 07-Jun-11 15:15:37

You should always read the thread thoroughly before posting, discuss and use examples. blush

How many ways can you cook Pearl Barley?
1) 3+
2) one or two
3) I tried it once, but I didn't inhale
3) Pearl FUCKING Barley, don't you mean?

Which is the correct term?
1) Extended breastfeeding
2) Natural term breastfeeding
3) Can't be bothered to get them to stop breastfeeding
4) Bitty

Hullygully Tue 07-Jun-11 15:21:53

My dh wants me to hoover naked whilst he takes me from behind. Is he

a) Controlling and abusive
b) Free and playful
c) Acting out childhood issues
d) An arse

Psammead Tue 07-Jun-11 15:22:06

The nanny served your child an M&S pre-prepared lunch. Do you

1. Consider your child lucky to have got something other than fruit shoots and greggs
2. Not consider it an issue
3. Fire the nanny IMMEDIATELY and look into filing child abuse claims

JetLi Tue 07-Jun-11 15:22:53

Cobb vs. Cadac


Mamathulu Tue 07-Jun-11 15:23:12

Explain the difference between ham and nice ham in 300 words or fewer.

TobyLerone Tue 07-Jun-11 15:29:03

Your husband has left his pants on top of the washing basket, rather than inside it, for the millionth time. Do you:

a/ leave the bastard, he's abusive

motherinferior Tue 07-Jun-11 15:31:24

Explain, in no fewer than 500 words, just how gifted your child is. Extra marks will be given for (a) comparisons with other children (b) spelling mistakes in your own submission.

Hullygully Tue 07-Jun-11 15:33:45

It's your very first post, outline in graphic and unnecessary detail a gruesome sexual practice in which you partake, but find mildly troubling.

ExitPursuedByAKitten Tue 07-Jun-11 15:36:40

Your DD has not been invited to a party but the rest of the class have.

Do you

a) Shrug and forget about it
b) Take her out for a special treat
c) Post on MN

Pinkjenny Tue 07-Jun-11 15:38:07

Your child has a runny nose. Do you:

a) Send them into school or nursery and tell them to 'man up'
b) Give them some Calpol and let them veg on the sofa with Cbeebies all day
c) Dash straight to A&E, demanding to be seen immediately, as it could be anything

motherinferior Tue 07-Jun-11 15:38:08

You have discovered your husband spoke to a woman last week. Do you :

(a) assume he is having an Emotional Affair
(b) give him the benefit of the doubt but keep him on a close watch in future
(d) start looking through his briefcase for condoms
(e) file for divorce
(d) think nothing of it?

ExitPursuedByAKitten Tue 07-Jun-11 15:39:17

Children at Weddings? Discuss.

Hullygully Tue 07-Jun-11 15:40:11

MI - that is fab

BitOfFun Tue 07-Jun-11 15:48:12

A friend has invited you to her wedding but has requested that no children are present, and wants donations to a honeymoon fund in lieu of presents. Is the correct response to a) politely decline the invitation, b) think "her wedding, her rules", or c) have Mumsnet diagnose her with Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

EduStudent Tue 07-Jun-11 15:48:14

Match the following threads to the board on which they should be posted:


Another Mum looked askance at my DC. Am I wrong to think her child will grow up to stamp on puppies?

My child is 3 and can count their toes. What should I say to the nursery to make sure they nurture this talent?

What do you think of Calpol as a name for a baby girl?


Gifted and Talented

Baby Names


anice Tue 07-Jun-11 15:48:48

NOBDIE -what on earth is that? Some sort of secret gang speak??

Hullygully Tue 07-Jun-11 15:51:48

A dog walked quite near your child in a park. Do you

a) Kick the dog and demand its immediate destruction
b) sob hysterically and post on MN about lil bubs in public places
c) whistle a happy tune and admire the native wildflowers

Abra1d Tue 07-Jun-11 16:00:45

Ha ha! to all of these.

Which of these is the most offensive username

a) Mummyhunnybunny
b) Mummy123
c) Anyfucker
d) Kuckingfunt

CrapolaDeVille Tue 07-Jun-11 16:05:44

Do you think the whole world gives a crap what your opinion is about anything?

exoticfruits Tue 07-Jun-11 16:10:47

Do you let visitors walk on your floors in shoes?

EduStudent Tue 07-Jun-11 16:11:25

Rank these words from least offensive to most offensive:


Are you being unreasonable?
a) Yes
b) No
c) Maybe
d) How dare you suggest that
e) <drip-feeds extra information, possibly fictional>

Am I being unreasonable
a) Yes
b) No
c) Maybe
d) Of course you are how could you think otherwise
e) You should have said that in the OP it's too late to add extra information now

alibubbles Tue 07-Jun-11 16:15:44

I know it is only Tuesday, but has to be done...

Have you ever:

a) Had Bumsex

b) googled "dragonbutter"

c) traded a blowjob for new shoes

( All things I learned about on MN!)

helenthemadex Tue 07-Jun-11 16:17:18

do you call random strangers on the internet 'hun'

do you believe everything you read in the Daily Fail/Sun/Sport

do you post in text speak

all of these would be automatic exclusion with polite link to another site (nm) blush

obviously people with crap grammar and spelling like me would be ok grin

JoanofArgos Tue 07-Jun-11 16:19:07

Compare and contrast any of the following, and then decide they are the exact same thing:
a) private schools and fruit
b) Nazism and any point of view you disagree with
c) A Labour voter and a Communist.

PommePoire Tue 07-Jun-11 16:20:59

Creative Writing Task.

Write a short story based on one of the following titles:

The Day I Lost The Hair Booble Plate.
Christmas with the In-Laws.
Zombies Come to Town!

Credit will be given for use of paragraphs.
Marks will be deducted for use of so-called 'txt spk'.

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 16:24:39

discuss,is it an abdication of ones personal responsibility to do as online strangers tell you

RedHotPokers Tue 07-Jun-11 16:25:27

When my baby cries should I pick her up:
1. As soon as possible.
2. Immediately - to prevent cortisol damaging her brain.
3. After I've finished posting on MN.
4. Once I've checked what she who must not be named thinks.
5. Why the hell did you put her down anyway - have you not heard of slings?!

nickelbabe Tue 07-Jun-11 16:27:02

good questions.
I think i'd just about pass.

hellospoon Tue 07-Jun-11 16:27:45

Get the phrase 'leave the bastard' into as many threads as possible!

Valpollicella Tue 07-Jun-11 16:33:08

Creative writing:

Please write, in less than 200 words, a believable 'trolling' OP.

Additional marks will be given for use of the following:

Non use of paragraphs, grammar and punctuation

Hinting towards being a regular namechanger ( points awarded for referencing famous MN threads)

Contradictions within the OP

Twista Tue 07-Jun-11 16:36:47

"Mumsnet - just words on a screen?"


nickelbabe Tue 07-Jun-11 16:40:33

Val - you'd get no marks for that, becuse a genuine troll (and therefore believable made-up troll post) would never hint towards being a name changer or reference old threads.

usualsuspect Tue 07-Jun-11 16:43:04

When age is ok to leave your child home alone for 2 minutes

A. 25
B .12 ,as long as they have your mobile phone no
C. never, SS should be informed
D. Always, I was left alone to look after my siblings from the age of 6 ,it never did me any harm

usualsuspect Tue 07-Jun-11 16:43:31


LadyBeagleEyes Tue 07-Jun-11 16:43:40

If you see someone smoke outside, do you:
1. Lurk around them giving an irratating cough.
2. Tut and flap your hand about while glaring at them.
3. Start the 1 millionth thread on MN because you know there's loads of
anti smoking nutters people out there who will gang up on anyone
who dares to admit to smoking.
4. None of the above

icantbelieveimnotbitter Tue 07-Jun-11 16:48:38

Your DH bought pom bears with the weekly shop. Should you:

a. Thank him
b. Send him back for a refund
c. Leave the abusive bastard

missmiss Tue 07-Jun-11 16:49:02

At what age should children be required to help out around the house?

A) never, they are previous flowers whose every whim should be pandered to.
B) as soon as they can gum a dishcloth - my kids work for their keep.
C) girls from 5, boys never.

nickelbabe Tue 07-Jun-11 16:50:00

Lady - add
5: breathe in deeply.

HarrietJones Tue 07-Jun-11 16:50:19

Name 5 MN quiches. Extra points for naming posters who have flounced from them.

HarrietJones Tue 07-Jun-11 16:54:30

I thought this was a test

LadyBeagleEyes Tue 07-Jun-11 16:54:36

nickelbabe, thanks.
You're right.
I'd be a 5 but I'd be the smoker grin
(looks around nervously) They can sneak up on you everywhere

Adversecamber Tue 07-Jun-11 16:55:22

Solve the following questions.
On a graph at what point will X and Y cross when plotted with the following information

BF vs FF
Waitrose vs ASDA

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 16:57:21

eulogise and big up mn of yore as much as you can
i'll get you started its not like the ole days no siree

BitOfFun Tue 07-Jun-11 16:58:04

Match up the following:


Cock................................... MIL

Leave the..........................Cunts





nickelbabe Tue 07-Jun-11 16:59:20

I like those matches as they are! grin

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 17:05:11

what do you do if
1. asked for peer reviewed evidence
2. assailed by a spelling pedant
3. called a troll
4. asked if youre a newbie
5. told to leave the bastard

LeQueen Tue 07-Jun-11 17:09:21

Mumsnet Psychology Theory Paper 1.

"Do Emotional Affairs really exist? Or are they just an abstract construct created by your DH as he daren't admit he had hot-monkey-sex on numerous oocasions with the OW? Discuss...

LeQueen Tue 07-Jun-11 17:12:44

Mumsnet Applied Physics Paper 1.

"Having admitted to having an affair - demonstrate the drip-feed rate of information supplied by your DH relative to the amount of information he feels is safe to withhold."

lemonmousse Tue 07-Jun-11 17:14:28

Do you think the pass level for the MN entrance exam should be set at:

a) level 5

b) level 3 and above

c) neither. I resent the fact that my capability as poster should be based on a one off snapshot of my abilities, that I am expected to study nothing else but MN between September and May, attend booster classes immediately after Christmas, that it will not be based on MN's assesment of all my posts throughout the year and consequently I will be booking a holiday abroad for the week the exam takes place even if this is giving the wrong message to my DC's.

Your DH just looked slightly askance at your stated intent to dump the toddler with him and run into the nearest Yates to get trollied. With which statement do you agree?

1 - Leave the bastaaaard!
2 - U no ur hubby best hun - wld he go mentul if u cum bac stinking of Lambrini?
3 - Agree entirely with his iffy look - even the smallest amounts of alcohol can be absorbed into breastmilk and you don't want to stunt Jasper's mental growth as he's definitely going to be G&T.

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 17:22:02

applied drama and histrionics practical paper
go over to aibu,act the goat and then if anyone has temerity to disagree throw a strop that would shame mariah carey

feel free use props such as
venomous, vipers, vicious, bitches
and plenty humphy faces


and do a gratuitous brag and gag extra pints if you manage
such as how rich you is
which illustrious uni you attended
to brag your house price esp if it looks like a phone number

motherinferior Tue 07-Jun-11 17:29:38

Your son is in trouble for kicking other children in the playground. Is he:

(a) clearly bored because he's G&T and nobody's meeting his needs
(b) clearly having a testosterone surge because they all do at his age
(c) clearly a victim of our over-feminised education system?

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 17:34:56

if you see a bottle feeding mum do you
1. ignore
2. feel sorry for her
3. want to get your baps oot for her
4. run straight to post on mn saw a bottle feeding mum.i was so upset i cried for hours and generate a gazillion posts telling you yanbu
5. hand her a fag.fucker probably smokes too

Abra1d Tue 07-Jun-11 17:36:25

Stop this! You're all distracting me from cooking supper and making me snort in an inelegant manner.

LeQueen Tue 07-Jun-11 17:37:44

Mumsnet Applied Mathmatics Paper 1.

"Using formula, demonstrate the proof that you know your DH never looks at porn and/or masturbates."

(marks will be deducted for a theoretical approach to workings and over-use of the phrase 'because I know my husband').

motherinferior Tue 07-Jun-11 17:38:37

Mumsnet Applied Biology Paper 1:

Discuss the use of formula in the previous question.

WillbeanChariot Tue 07-Jun-11 17:45:38

People who leave used teabags in the sink are:


BikeRunSki Tue 07-Jun-11 17:47:49

Picture round:
Identify the years and seasons of 3 Boden tops.
Additional points for correctly stating the garments' "fun" names.

Field Trip:
At 100 paces correctly identify the following pushchairs:
Mountain Buggy Nipper 360
P&T Sport
Bugaboo Cameleon
Quinny Buzz

Emotional intelligence:
Discuss whether it is fair to use the same name for your child as your friend/cousin/sibling has chosen for their child who is only 3 weeks older, even though you chose that name first, like when you were 8.

Hulababy Tue 07-Jun-11 17:48:01

Name a MNetter (who has been registered for at least 3 days and/or with more than 25 posts) for each of the letters of the alphabet.

Hulababy Tue 07-Jun-11 17:51:12

Justine Roberts and Carrie Longton founded Mumsnet in January 2000. Compare and contrast their relative merits in terms of what each brings to Mumsnet.

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 17:56:17

why do people,who dont read daily mail link to it daily.why are mn and daily mail inextricably linked?

is it because mn readers secretly really love the daily mail but are too rightontastic to admit.

Greenstocking Tue 07-Jun-11 18:03:11

Describe, in no less than 500 words, what the Patriarchy has done for you. Marks will be deducted for overuse of the words exploitation, misogynist bully, male apologist and braburner.

MrsKwazii Tue 07-Jun-11 18:05:55

Define passive-agression (50 words or less)

Extra credit available for posts with liberal use of contradictory smile

Greenstocking Tue 07-Jun-11 18:12:12

You are about about to pull into a busy petrol station forecourt to fill up your Mummywagon.

Do you :

A) Unbuckle all five under 8's and drag them across the forecourt, dodging traffic in order to pay. You can never be too careful these days.

B) Leave the children in the car and post on MN later wearing a flameproof suit to ask if you did the right thing.

C) None of the above, your DH always fills up the car for you .

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 18:14:48

ignore the face to face fankle of diagnostics.hooey to that
diagnosis and discuss how ordonary folk get mental illness,and schlebs get "exhaustion" and how you know someone who had it innit

your open book reference texts are

Sassybeast Tue 07-Jun-11 18:16:46

Sociology - Paper 3.

Please chose TWO of the following criteria and demonstrate how they can successfully be used to identify a BENEFIT SCROUNGER.

a) Wide screen plasma
b) Foreign Holidays
c) Council house when kids have left
d) Internet connection

MardyBra Tue 07-Jun-11 18:17:08

Without googling, name at least five of ChaosTrulyReigns'

a) truly inspired threads
b) classic typos.

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 18:29:07

group psychology
discuss mn brown nosing and mn oscars the shout-outs for
best post
funniest lol ever
whos da mouldies

Cupawoman Tue 07-Jun-11 18:34:52

Private V State Education. Discuss.

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 18:36:51

dunking biscuit into tea,ever acceptable in public?

MotherMountainGoat Tue 07-Jun-11 19:00:50

Use of English - Paper 1

1. Give TWO possible meanings for the following acronyms:

a. DF
b. GP

2. Give THREE possible meanings for the following acronyms:

a. DS
b. BF

For bonus points, create a single meaningful sentence containing either DS or BF with all three meanings.

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 19:06:42

Use of scottish - daily record
yer mans mammie is she
wan. a stoater
twa. an auld boot
three. awright aw hings considered

goinnowhere Tue 07-Jun-11 19:14:23

Complete these phrases

1) Shopping lists should be left in the ----
2) Nice ---
3) Leave the ---
4) It is should have not should -
5) I could never - out my children to be raised by --

Note : the number of dashes does not represent the number of letters

Slubberdegullion Tue 07-Jun-11 19:15:20

Using the time frame of 4 to the biscuit discuss the etymology of the verb 'to parp'.

erebus Tue 07-Jun-11 19:20:04

Before I loose weight my g&t DC must go to a grammer or independant school.

Or must they?

Points awarded for degree of dudgeon and/or continuously misspelling BLOODY OBVIOUS WORDS that the thread has used, correctly spelled, 20 times already.

Fill in the blank space, and then giving reasons for your choice, write a paragraph each on the following:

If I could be any mumsnetter it would be ......

If it is in the Daily Mail, it must be ......

Chilli-chopping and mooncup adjusting are ......

Slubberdegullion Tue 07-Jun-11 19:24:35

What do these acronyms stand for?


MrsKwazii Tue 07-Jun-11 19:32:18

Garlic cloves are:

a. an essential ingredient in hummus
b. foreign muck
c. not a good cure for threadworms when applied anally

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 19:34:18

talkin out yer arse is available to many if not all on mn

feralgirl Tue 07-Jun-11 19:39:29

On a scale of 1-10, how disgusted are you by this?

feralgirl Tue 07-Jun-11 19:40:27

Would just like to point out that I would never have looked at the above pic if it hadn't been for MN.

Practical exam

Perform a flounce of no less than 10 minutes. Marks will be awarded for:
1) Use of correct spelling and punctuation.
2) Number of u-turn performed (bonus points for double and triple salko toe-loop u-turns).
3) Quality of swearing.
4) Number of exclamation marks completed to the required standard.
5) Artistic merit and interpretation of the music.

LeQueen Tue 07-Jun-11 19:46:47

Mumsnet Feminist Theory Paper 1.

"Referencing the works of Gilbert & Gubar and Virginia Woolf, discuss the ethical merits of giving your DH a blow-job in return for a designer handbag."

(added marks will be given for creative paraphrasing of the statement 'It's was bleddy well worth it, the handbag was beautiful - and besides they didn't have Mulberry bags when Virginia Woolf was alive did they? She'd have sucked a bloke's brains out to get her hands on a Mulberry Bayswater bag, I bet')

Psammead Tue 07-Jun-11 19:53:00

Is it wrong that I actually want to do this exam? confused

Psammead Tue 07-Jun-11 20:01:05

Is it wronger that I have gone and found a pencil and paper? grin

Portofino Tue 07-Jun-11 20:02:23

<<snorts at LeQueen>>

Portofino Tue 07-Jun-11 20:04:51

Home Economics: Give the recipe for Lemon Drizzle Cakes. Extra 10 points if you have an added twist that makes it even more delicious.

HarrietJones Tue 07-Jun-11 20:07:19

<pats psammead on the head>

Portofino Tue 07-Jun-11 20:08:25

Art and Design: make a red rug, or other design from Smileys.

smile sad angry envy
sad angry envy smile
angry envy smile envy
smile sad angry envy

mollymole Tue 07-Jun-11 20:08:42

the answer to - 'how many meals for 4 people can you make out of a standard sized chicken' is 'more then 3'


BonzoDooDah Tue 07-Jun-11 20:10:01

Do you call your DD's visible genitals her:

a) Flower
2) Tuppence
iii) Fanjo
d) Fanny
fw) We only use the correct technical term for every body part so of course we say vagina
vjj) <snort> it's LABIA then you twunt

Portofino Tue 07-Jun-11 20:15:06

List 10 holiday companies or theme parks where you can spend your Tesco Clubcard Points


Write 200 words on why you only shop in Waitrose and wouldn't set foot in Tesco if your life depended upon it.

MardyBra Tue 07-Jun-11 20:18:35

List these shopping experiences in order of desirability and give your reasons:

M&S Per Una
M&S Food

MardyBra Tue 07-Jun-11 20:19:27

Name 10 products you are currently boycotting.

cybbo Tue 07-Jun-11 20:23:52

When does the annual Official Shoe Boot Season start ?


spiderslegs Tue 07-Jun-11 20:31:47

It's wine O'clock you are;

a) Outraged, disgusted & outraged. Don't you know this country is awash with alcohol & you lot sit there with your idiotic wineglass smileys, your bad language & your florid complexions. It's all one big bloody jokes isn't it. You won't be laughing when you keel over & your liver explodes. You mark my words etc etc etc.

b) Jut waiting 'til all is quiet on the Western front then going to pour myself a nice large glass of gin/wine/cough mixture.

c) Hic.

lemonmousse Tue 07-Jun-11 20:32:34

Art and Design section:

Design a home suitable for the average MN'er.

You must include at least three of the following:

Laminate flooring/brown leather sofa/'Billy' bookcase/twig-lights/Cath Kidson mugs.

You may refer to IKEA or John Lewis catalogues but marks will be deducted for excessive use of the Argos book.

KenDoddsDadsDog Tue 07-Jun-11 20:35:51

Mumsnet law.
The use of which word will incur you a fine and potentially imprisonment in netmums:
A) Manshape
B) Lol
C) Hugz
D) All of the above

KenDoddsDadsDog Tue 07-Jun-11 20:37:32

Which of the below would NOT be considered a useful purchase?
A) A weaning net
B) A Lakeland steam mop
C) Dior nude foundation

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Tue 07-Jun-11 20:45:50

Using fewer than 100 words, explain what a mouldie is. Then burn the answer, and Never Speak Of It Again.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Tue 07-Jun-11 20:47:12

Where do you normally keep your garlic?
a) in a pot on the kitchen worktop
b) in the fridge
c) ready minced from Waitrose, in the freezer
d) up your arse

spiderslegs Tue 07-Jun-11 20:51:44

You two year old correctly identifies a dog, do you;

a) Immediately enrol them on a G & T programme, arrange for MENSA testing.

b) Say, 'well done dear, it's actually a horse'.

c) Call a home tutor without delay, their peers would have named it by its Latin name, quietly suspect developmental issues.

tinkgirl Tue 07-Jun-11 20:53:15

The location of MN island is?

The most humane way to kill a Zombie is?

Getorf has a massive crush on which 'fit bloke from work' nationality?

iWILLdothis Tue 07-Jun-11 21:00:12

Explain your understanding of the following icon, giving examples of its appropriate use:

spiderslegs Tue 07-Jun-11 21:05:00

You find an empty fruitshoot bottle in your child's bag after school you ;

a) Remove child from school immediately, call OFSTED, ensure school is placed in special measures.

b) Bloody well should have, you put the full one there this morning along with his cheese string & Gregg's sausage roll.

c) Think, ah well, one won't hurt him.

spiderslegs Tue 07-Jun-11 21:10:12

You have a bit of a whiffy fanjo, do you?

a) Remove the mooncup you had forgotten you inserted three weeks ago, anyway all fanjo smell is natural & lovely.

b) Blast immediately with all fanjo products known to woman, autoclave for good measure.

c) I have no fanjo, I am a male troll you bunch of repulsive harpies.

Suncottage Tue 07-Jun-11 21:22:55

My DD is an indigo child and speaks to angels. I am home schooling her.

Should I follow the Kundalina school of teaching?

Zen philosophy?

Tantric hippy woo and knitted yoghurt school of thought?

She hates maths and science so I will omit those. She is special and will save the earth doncha know.

She has grown her own garlic from the age of 2 months.

Suncottage Tue 07-Jun-11 21:32:24

My SIL is getting married and my DDs' are bridemaids. SIL has chosen a colour for their shoes I disagree with should I;

Beat her up and boycott the wedding whilst breaking my DDs' hearts?

Boycott the wedding and break DDs' hearts?

Get the whole family to boycott the wedding and they all beat her up?

Accept the shoes and attend the wedding and smile with pride at DDs looking beautiful?

Attend the wedding but wear jeans in protest and glower all day?


ComeIntoTheGardenMaud Tue 07-Jun-11 21:39:59

Question 347.

You have joined a thread discussing the most effective and environmentally-friendly way to remove limescale from bath taps. How many times can you mention that you and all your friends went to Russell Group universities and your DH got a double first from Cambridge?

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 21:43:28

brag and gag
youve mentioned russell grope degree,salubrious home
and no one asked you that
but oh so casually you blurted it out.along with hatred of media degrees

Your husband wishes to go away for a weekend. What is your response to this?
a) Let him go and make sure he pays for you to have a spa weekend sometime.
b) Huh, he can do like, whatever, we're not attached at the hip you know. I'm not one of those pathetic women who needs a man around all the time.
c) Tell him no. Weekends are FAMILY TIME!
d) Sob hysterically until he changes his mind.

Child-free weddings are:
a) joyless
b) impossible for me to attend
c) held by people who will realise how awful they have been once they have their own children
d) The absolute right of the couple to do whatever they want

Which of the following are appropriate behaviours for a PIL*? (tick as many as relevant)
1. Buying too many presents.
2. Not buying any presents.
3. Buying Disney presents.
4. Cutting grandchild's hair.
5. Putting grandchild to sleep in too many clothes.
6. Not putting grandchild to sleep at all.
7. Moving house next door without asking
8. Telling racist jokes
9. Comparing grandchild to it's cousins.
10.Kissing grandchild.

*The term PIL can be replaced by ExH.

Love love love this thread.

Suncottage Tue 07-Jun-11 22:10:50

A man in a garage just called me 'dear'?

Should I get him arrested?

Beaten up?

Post a thread on MNs?

Smile at him then wink and pout?

Say thanks, pay and walk away because you really don't really give a monkey's chuff?

motherinferior Tue 07-Jun-11 22:12:18

Your best mate is getting married to her partner, with whom she's already got two children. Are you:

(a) breathless with excitement about her Special Day?
(b) horrified at her capitulation to the patriarchy
(c) pleased by her pragmatism in sorting out the logistics if one of them dies
(d) worried for her, because obviously if he really loved her he'd have married her before kids?

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 22:13:59

woman with shaved armpits she anti-feminist
3.a good ride nan

BitOfFun Tue 07-Jun-11 22:21:15

Group posters on this thread into categories based their pubic topiary habits.

Classics, please MNHQ

petisa Tue 07-Jun-11 22:28:42

My exhuberant puppy of a ds wishes to bring a huge supersoaker to a party mainly comprised of girls in pretty frocks with no supersoakers. AIBU to think this is a fabby idea?

Spooning while bf - hippy dippy lurrvliness or you twisted sicko?

Finish these phrases:

river of __
cube of __

passiveaggresive Tue 07-Jun-11 22:30:36

with regards to ali's post

Have you ever traded a blow job for a pair of shoes?

Nup, i sold myself out for a bigmac!!

Suncottage Tue 07-Jun-11 22:31:19

My cat has just pooed in her litter tray. I have shot her.

Can't be too careful she might venture outdoors..................and then your children might die.

Also, my neighbour's dog looked at me and drooled. Will he eat me and the DC's?

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 22:33:50

hehe bigmac for bj.classic you suck harder for extra fries
2.swallow,think of the golden arches
3.after liberation by the mn chatteratti leave and join a mooncup commune
4.think thats last time i get gobby on mn

ComeIntoTheGardenMaud Tue 07-Jun-11 22:34:13

Question 622

Your partner has come home tonight with a large bunch of flowers for you. Should you

a) Throw partner out and change the locks, as this is clearly a guilt offering after some unforgivable indiscretion
b) Throw partner out and change the locks, as you realise that this gift represents the commodification of women under the patriarchy
c) Throw flowers out, as they clash horribly with your decor
d) Throw flowers out, as they are not organic and possibly even imported
e) You are a modern and independent woman and can buy your own flowers, thank you very much
f) Say "how lovely" and put the flowers in a vase

is my DD
1. A genius?
2. Emotionally mature?
3. Politically sensitive?
4. Artistically gifted?

Is your DD
1. Slightly behind her peer group in reading?
2. A bit of a worry, what with not having all her teeth yet?
3. A TART, she is wearing a glittery teeshirt!
4. A narcissist. At four months, she should have developed some empathy!

Sassybeast Tue 07-Jun-11 22:37:29

Compare and contrast the emergence of the sub species commonly known as 'ex wives' and 'step mothers'. Pay particular relevance to the 'sacred cow' ideology applied to each species in the context of 'AIBU' threads.

(Extra marks will be awarded for the use of 'crazy ex wife' and 'BM')

passiveaggresive Tue 07-Jun-11 22:38:20

scottishmummy - i was so badly flammed for that transgression that i never had oral sex ever again!!

MooncupGoddess Tue 07-Jun-11 22:41:42

1. Front hall: clunch, slipper satin or blackened white? Give at least three supporting reasons.

2. I've been with my DP for two months. He's on a course today and even though I've texted him 67 times and left 18 voicemails he hasn't got back to me! Really panicking now. Is he:

a) emotionally avoidant
b) a narcissist
c) shagging a colleague?

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 22:41:46

the bj for McD was a hilarious thread
all righteous indignation
a woman went under a horse so likes of you can suck meat for capitalist meat type shit

Not chopping off your Mooncup stem leads to unfortunate chafing. Discuss.

Chopping off your Mooncup stem leads to the bloody thing getting stuck up there and DH having to fish it out. Discuss.

petisa Tue 07-Jun-11 22:43:35

Compare and contrast the approaches to parenting contained in the following works, including the full name and author of each:

How to talk...
Playful Parenting
That Angel child one that nearly drove me demented
That dreadful one by you know who that definitely drove me demented and for which I held a burning ceremony

Portofino Tue 07-Jun-11 22:52:33

pa, I just feel grateful to realise that I wasn't the only person (after several years) to remember whose thread that was! <<must get a life emoticon grin>> Twas very funny though....

Oh I suddenly feel like all is well in the world....thank you Chaos

Portofino Tue 07-Jun-11 22:55:42

Gina Ford - her baby routines are obviously fantastic - describe how they worked for you without saying anything negative at all about it in 1000 words or less.

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 22:55:46

dont recall who bj for mcd poster was,damn funny though

spiderslegs Tue 07-Jun-11 22:56:20

Score one point if you can answer yes to any of the following questions

Have you ever?

Accidentally vajazzled yourself
Had a vigorous discussion about bumsex on a Friday evening
Used a mooncup
Eaten nice ham
Told anyone to fuck the fuck off & when you get there fuck off some more
Been horrified by the language in the above statement
Found yourself making up imaginary lives for people with, quite frankly, ridiculous names
Said 'Dump the bastard'
Tried controlled crying
Tried to kill someone who tried controlled crying
Breastfed a child
Breastfed a child for longer than two years
Thought anyone who breastfed a child for longer then two years, was, quite frankly, a loon with ishoos
Been repulsed by the sight of a woman breastfeeding a child in public (particularly if there is a flash of nip)
Flaunted your womanly bazoomas whilst breastfeeding your eight year old. In the pub.
Been a WOHM
Been a SAHM

Take one point away if you can answer yes to any of the following questions;

Have you ever?

Used the phrase hun, hugz, LOL, LOLing, lil'
Fed your child a Gregg's sausage roll/fruitshoot/turkey twizzler/McDonald's Happy Meal
Worn Crocs
Worn Per Una
Worn a waterfall cardigan
Smoked a fag
Worn linen trousers, particularly 3/4 length
Read or regularly read any of the following, The Daily Mail, The Daily Express, The Sun, Nuts, Zoo
Bought your children any Disney Princess items (discount if said child is a boy, this, is ok)
Allowed your children to watch Ben 10
Allowed Your children to play on an electronic gaming device for over 2 minutes at a time
Enjoyed a hen night where the participants wear pink/fairy wings/schoolgirl outfits/cowboy hats
Had a useless or indiscriminately priapic husband & not, in fact, dumped the bastard

Bonus round

Award yourself 50 points if you can answer yes to any of the below;

You know the whole Cod story.
You can write a coherent argument as to why both breast & bottle feeding are acceptable (award yourself 100 bonus points if everyone agrees)
Tell me what did happen to the Moldies?? Do they now only exist in an alternative reality?

Deduct 50 points if you can answer yes to any of the following;

Are you 15 & off school for half-term?
Are you a member of Netmums?
Do you get your jollies by pretending to be skint/betrayed/a woman/in need of help when you are none of the above?

ComeIntoTheGardenMaud Tue 07-Jun-11 22:58:40

What do you consider to be the most suitable birthday celebration for your 5 year old child?

a) a party with 10 friends at the soft play place, followed by a buffet of shop-bought sausage rolls and froot shoots

b) a performance of the lesser known works of Shostakovich by a Bulgarian string quintet

c) there isn't space in Timothy's schedule for any birthday celebration, as he mustn't miss his French lesson and his ballet exam is next Saturday

AliBaba40 Tue 07-Jun-11 23:18:57

I'm weeping with laughter and absolutely unable to answer half of these (let alone attempt anything wittier).

Also praying I don't get expelled from MN (and - oh the horror - sent to NM) for accidental late-night misspelling/txt spk in this post... Will I get away with it if I add an inappropriate biscuit?

missmiss Tue 07-Jun-11 23:25:29

When presented with an unexplained link, what is your reaction?

1) A thread has been posted in AIBU with 6,898 replies. Do you:

a) skim the OP and fall over your fingers posting a blindingly insightful reply too page 1.
b) read all 32 pages and post a short, considered response looking at both sides of the issue and citing the names of all the major players in the thread to date.
c) Read pages 1 and 32 and threaten to report the cunts who blatantly didn't bother to READ THE FUCKING THREAD.
d) Agree with Hecate.

Which if the following is a famous MN river?

A) The River Thames
B) The River Avon
C) The River of Sweetcorn

Were your DC to inadvertently shit on your neighbour's new moroccon pouffe (that had been delivered to your address ) would you

A) Take the pouffe round and apologise profusely using phrases like "he accidentally did a stinky poo, I'm so sorry
B) Take the pouf round and say nothing. After all you've given it w good clean
C) Engage the services if MNers to find you a lookilikey pouf, then Take the pouffe round anyway and, speaking in a Sean Connery-esquire voice, apologise that your DC has had a 'little s(h)it on it'

You plan to paint the bathroom and are thinking about paint colours. Do you

A) pick a nice aqua from the deluxe paint card
B) Use commercial dogface White or magnolia
C) Spend days staring at Farrow and Ball patches on your wall - all of which are variations on a muted grey

Use a venn diagram to illustrate your undestanding of 'sense of entitlement'

Clearly to say 'never google dragon butter'

*dogface / homebase??

scottishmummy Tue 07-Jun-11 23:31:55

aibu thread,do you
thank and namecheck sychophants
strop and namecheck anyone disagreed with you

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Tue 07-Jun-11 23:37:42

Provide an artist's impression of blue waffle.

Which of the following should not be offered to guests at a party?

ComeIntoTheGardenMaud Tue 07-Jun-11 23:58:51

Your child's school has adopted a healthy eating policy and asks that lunch boxes do not contain sweets or crisps. Which of these would you give your child as a packed lunch:

a) organic hummus, focaccia bread, some crudites and a banana, because these are Ptolemy's favourites

b) pork pie, packet of cheesy wotsits and a Mars bar, cos it's your democratic right not to acquiesce to the school's nannying

c) a pound of lard and can of Fanta, as you've had that for lunch every day for the past 20 years with no ill effects

MardyBra Wed 08-Jun-11 00:00:30

Discuss the phases and reactions of a Favourite Mumsnetters thread.

Please give estimates for numbers of
a) upset posters;
b) chuffed posters who didn't expect to be nominated;
c) nominations for Pagwatch;
d) royalty bashings;
e) posts by Scottish mummy stating that there should be no favourites as we are all justwordsonascreen;
f) new quiches formed as a reaction.

Bonus points can be scored for predicting which MNers feature in a and b.

scottishmummy Wed 08-Jun-11 00:03:18

discuss merits of brown nosing someone youve never met
will mn oscars mean no more are you new questions
does obsequious crawling lead to fulfilment

EduStudent Wed 08-Jun-11 00:06:41

Compare and contrast the following two pieces:

Piece 1

Piece 2


Choreograph and perform an interpretive piece of dance based on one of the following:

a) River of Sweetcorn
b) Cube of Poo
c) Booble Plate

montmartre Wed 08-Jun-11 00:07:27

Whose was the BWA?

scottishmummy Wed 08-Jun-11 00:12:31

discuss why posts that dont revert to yeah been done to death are lame and clichéd. consider the group herd need to be samey and homogeneous

spiderslegs Wed 08-Jun-11 00:13:10

Edu pieces 1 & 2 have left me incapable......

Portofino Wed 08-Jun-11 00:20:23


Portofino Wed 08-Jun-11 00:22:08

LRD's "agree with Hecate" has made me cry - along with Terry Wogan's cock.....I mean piece 2.

MrsFogi Wed 08-Jun-11 00:24:55

248. You discover piles after the birth of pfb/dd/s[x] do you:
a. ignore
b. go to the gp
c. follow the clear guidelines laid down and tested by the amateur arse doctor.

pickgo Wed 08-Jun-11 00:29:09

For which thread title would the response 'Have you thought about going to Relate?' not be appropriate?
a) My DH has just beaten me and DCs black and blue but he's a wonderful father WWYD
b) My DH has given me a STD
c) My arse is soooo ittchy lol
d) I think I might be bi-polar AIBU
e) Is Eton any good

Portofino Wed 08-Jun-11 00:30:10

Your booble plate has fallen down the back of the toilet. Do you:

a) Call the fire brigade
b) Have a nervous breakdown
c) Call upon MNetters to laugh and take the piss for evermore....

thenevernever Wed 08-Jun-11 00:34:09

This is the best mumsnet thread I've ever read.

thenevernever Wed 08-Jun-11 00:34:49

Discuss grin

oxeye Wed 08-Jun-11 00:50:38

Should you
(a) Google Dragonbutter
(b) Go on a blind date to a Penguin Park
(c) Offer a Pom Bear as a pre-dinner snack

if not, why not?

Question 8726: You are posting the question: "Guess what I found in my teenage DS's bedside drawer?"

What it is the precise number of replies that must be posted before you provide the answer, in order to produce the following results:

a) a feeling of dissatisfaction, akin to premature ejaculation, amongst MNers unable to post their replies in time

b) genuine interest in the actual answer, with a variety of witty and original suggestions leading to an overall feeling of bonhomie towards you, the OP, as you dripfeed/reveal the fascinating solution

c) frustration, boredom, anger, despair and eventual abandonment of the thread in droves, as MNers actually have a fucking life to lead and have already suggested every sick combination of used condom/jazz mag/gay porn/gimp mask/snaffle bit/8-week-old roast dinner/wank sock/nude picture of Anne Widdecombe/fossilised turd/Lord Lucan and no longer give a flying shit about what actually was in the OP's depraved teenage DS's sodding bedside drawer; leading to a disproportionate amount of ill-feeling, hatred and loss of MN credibility for you, the OP?

Answers must in whole numbers only - you must show your working out.

piprabbit Wed 08-Jun-11 01:56:13

Discuss, using examples where appropriate, exactly how 'doing BLW' differs from just letting your baby help themselves to food.

piprabbit Wed 08-Jun-11 01:59:50

If one MNer swallows a piece of lego on Tuesday, calculate the number of hours before she starts an MN thread.
Multiply the number of posters responding to the thread by the actual progress of the lego.
Estimate when the lego is likely to reappear.

Tee2072 Wed 08-Jun-11 06:57:17

Explain the history and origin of the following MN emoticons: -


Include the exact circumstances that lead to their creation including key MNetters and/or politicos involved.

Greenstocking Wed 08-Jun-11 07:09:43

A post asks in Property and DIY for advice on buying a house for £850 000.
Is your helpful response :

A) £850K? Alright for some. I can't even afford £85!

B) Hmm, you'd be hard pushed to buy a lock up garage where I live for that price. Can you stretch to £2m?

C) Thanks to the bastard evil Tories house prices are sky high. Eighteen month sago under labour you could buy a whole town in the South east for that price.

Avantia Wed 08-Jun-11 07:31:36

If the world is going to end in 3 mins , do you ?

a. Make love to the nearest male / fermale
b. Hug your children
c. Start a thread on MN

ADVANCED STUDENTS ONLY - due to the nature of questions.

1.Whilst engaged on MN clearlyy and accurately describe the location of

a. Your children
b. Your DH
c. Your 15 week chew mad lab puppy

2. Locate the off button on your computer.

Portofino Wed 08-Jun-11 08:44:11

Name the MNetter that you know will definitely show up at some point on a thread about:

a) wohm/sahm
b) being overweight
c) bumsex

Give the full names of, and list threee differences between, SPB and SGB.

Read the following OP and then answer the questions underneath.

"Rhubarb rhu barb rhubarb, rhub arb rhubarb. Rhubarb rhubard rhu? Barb rhubarb rhubar brhuba rbrhu, barb. Rhubard rhubarb."

1. (i) Is the OP a troll?; and (ii) What are the signs?

2. (i) Is the OP talking about their PFB?; and (ii) How can you tell?

3. (i) Is this a thread about a thread?; and (ii) What makes you think that?

SinisterBuggyMonth Wed 08-Jun-11 09:28:58

In the pie chart below demonstrate which of these annoys you on TV

The soap you've stopped watching
Rihanna videos
Fern Cotton

missorinoco Wed 08-Jun-11 10:02:09

Have just spat out my coffee and then aspirated. Bloody hilarious thread!

passiveaggresive Wed 08-Jun-11 10:03:54

genuine question what are the [pombears] and is it a good or bad thing if you get one and why isnt the emoticon in the list of smileys - does that mean only a select few get to use it?

passiveaggresive Wed 08-Jun-11 10:09:23


nickelbabe Wed 08-Jun-11 10:14:50

passive - it's one of those tests. [wunk]

MissHonkover Wed 08-Jun-11 10:23:28

First Aid Question:

A man has been hit by a car and you are first on the scene. He is unconscious and bleeding profusely. What do you do?

a) Take him to bed for a fortnight for skin to skin bonding

b) Put him in a sling (not a Baby Bjorn one, everyone knows they are Evil Crotch Danglers)

c) Check the car to see if it's big enough for three car seats across the back but still easy to park

d) Leave the bastard

deepfriedcupcake Wed 08-Jun-11 10:44:26

Describe Chaos Theory in 50 words using examples from your own home.

YankNCock Wed 08-Jun-11 10:50:00

'Mom' is:

a) Only used by Americans, bloody yanks, coming over here and using our forums, how dare they, taking over the world with their bastardised English, and while I'm here I'll tell you about this really stupid American I met once when I was in New York/Disneyland. . .

b) Used by Brummies, you London-centric bunch of twits

c) Do you really care what other people call their mothers? Really?

d) Done to death, I can't believe someone has started another thread about it.

OTheHugeManatee Wed 08-Jun-11 10:51:39

615. Who or what is Cherry Menlove?

a) A summer dessert
b) A twee and squee Martha Stewart wannabe
c) A type of bumsex

Please provide illustrations to support your argument.

OTheHugeManatee Wed 08-Jun-11 10:52:16

616. "Keep Calm and Carry On". Discuss.

MissHonkover Wed 08-Jun-11 10:52:52

I used to work with someone called Cherry Menlove. True. grin

MissHonkover Wed 08-Jun-11 10:54:11

Just googled her, and holy fuck, that's her!!!! Used to think her name was hilarious!

MissHonkover Wed 08-Jun-11 10:56:41

Apologies Manatee, in my shock I ruined your quiz question. blush

littlelapin Wed 08-Jun-11 10:57:13

I love this thread grin it needs to be moved out of Chat and preserved!

Portofino Wed 08-Jun-11 10:59:08

How many days after giving birth is it morally acceptable to go waterskiing in the Caribbean leaving your dc behind?

Staistics Paper 1

Calculate how many friends you would have to recommend in order to stand a cat in hell's chance of winning a competition in any given month. Show your working out, preferably without harming any cats.

littlelapin Wed 08-Jun-11 10:59:56

Did that ever resolve itself?!

Suncottage Wed 08-Jun-11 11:06:41

Has anyone seen the new Pedlar's catalogue? I have more money than sense just ordered an egg cup - it was only £75!

QuinionsRainbow Wed 08-Jun-11 11:19:00

(a) Explain, in no more than ten words, the etymological derivation of:


(b) Use each one in a sentence to demonstrate unequivocally it's meaning.

Miggsie Wed 08-Jun-11 11:31:51

A stranger you have never met posts limited details about a scenario that they have experienced/witnessed and are annoyed about. Do you

a) agree it annoys you too
b) demand more details before giving a decision and criticse their spelling and grammar
c) intimate that you are only 3 cousins removed form the Dalai Lama and thus forgive the person, love them and wouldn't ever get annoyed at anything ever, and anyone who does get annoyed is just too sensitive for their own good
d) come up with various, and increasingly unlikely excuses/reasons for the person behaving like they did including (in no particular order): dire nail emergency, dire child related emergency, dire need of sex related emergency, rare disease affecting 1 in 10,000 people but could have been that, bizarre circumstances that would mean someone had to ram a baguette up your nose or the world would end
e) accept that sometimes people are a bit rude, and that's life really

passiveaggresive Wed 08-Jun-11 11:35:32

nickel did i pass, and would it offend you if i offered you a bear

Miggsie Wed 08-Jun-11 11:36:37

You come across a thread on unconditional parenting, do you:

a) throw up
b) want you to love and hug your children and you know it is the right thing and say so
c) think that UP children are rude and can't behave in public and say so
d) read the thread all the way through baffled, and not post on it, because you are too scared

pot39 Wed 08-Jun-11 11:41:18

This IS fun.
Much more fun than doing a the job app I'm supposed to be doing.
Love the lego one

OTheHugeManatee Wed 08-Jun-11 11:43:51

"(a) Explain, in no more than ten words, the etymological derivation of:


(b) Use each one in a sentence to demonstrate unequivocally it's meaning."

I've been wondering this for ages. Does that mean I'm expelled to NM confused

Miggsie Wed 08-Jun-11 11:55:33

You post in "relationships" about a problem that is really upsetting you.
Do you:
a) get lots of sympathetic and lovely replies that make you feel you are not alone and not a total freak
b) get lots of sympathetic and lovely replies that make you feel you are not alone and not a total freak
c) get lots of sympathetic and lovely replies that make you feel you are not alone and not a total freak
d) get lots of sympathetic and lovely replies that make you feel you are not alone and not a total freak

HarrietJones Wed 08-Jun-11 12:29:51

PMSL at misshonkovers first aid question. grin

You are a fortunate and happy person with a calm approach to life. Your relationships are good (including with MIL), your children are fine and you have enough money on which to live month to month.

Do you:
a) Keep quiet
b) Keep quiet
c) Lurk, realise that any replies will sound patronising and keep quiet.

Portofino Wed 08-Jun-11 13:11:00

Outline in detail 5 reasons why a) McDonalds b) Coca Cola c) Nestle are evil bastard companies who are on a global mission to corrupt our precious children.

Abra1d Wed 08-Jun-11 13:48:06

You see a young man with rippling muscles jump out of a souped-up car he's just parked in a Disabled Space. As he sprints across the car park and vaults the fence in the direction of the video rental place, covering the 100m in less than fifteen seconds, do you tell yourself:

a) He probably has some terrible mental illness and needs to park there because he'll forget where he's left his car
b) He has a dreadful invisible internal lung condition that means he can't actually go further than the 100m you've seen him sprint
c) He's misusing his granny's disabled pass

If a) or b), do you tell people on MN that they are being judgmental if they assume c) ?

Suncottage Wed 08-Jun-11 13:53:01

Cat poo
Dog poo
Cat poo
Dog poo
Cat poo
Dog poo

Is it my imagination or is it on every other thread including style and beauty and relationships?

Tell me about cat/dog poo.

silverten Wed 08-Jun-11 14:29:08

You discover that your other half is a bit of a love rat. Do you

a) curl up in a tear-stained corner with a family-sized bar of Galaxy
b) get your stepdad/bruv/uncle to sort im out, thatll learn the bstrd goodnpropr
c) organise an elaborate humiliation scene at the local wildlife sanctuary involving a cast of thousands, dressed in penguin costumes, carrying camcorders

MardyBra Wed 08-Jun-11 14:40:18


Design and make your very own "jazzy" Per Una outfit.

Bonus marks will be awarded for:
Waterfall features
Clashing colours
Incorporation of cupcakes or cute embroidered animals in the design
"Ditzy" accessories

Marks will be deducted for natural fabrics.

Remember less is not more and that all opportunities must be taken up to add an extra flourish or detail to the garments.

LeQueen Wed 08-Jun-11 16:47:58

Mumsnet Art Theory Paper 1.

"Refering to your Farrow & Ball colour chart (attached item 1.1) compare and contrast relative aesthetic merits of Dead Kipper, Posh Dust, and Boot Room Blue.

LeQueen Wed 08-Jun-11 16:54:52

Mumsnet Applied Chemistry 1. (practical)

"Using a distilled solution of 3 Farrow & Ball paints, demonstrate how their luminosity levels of less than 3% are inversely proportional to the higher IQ of the typical F&B consumer."

LeQueen Wed 08-Jun-11 17:00:42

Mumsnet Applied Chemistry Paper 2. (practical)

"Using a distilled solution of 3 Dulux Bling Shine paints, demonstrate how their luminosity levels of more than 85% are directional proportional to the size of the TV screen and/or inflatable hot-tub belonging to the typical Dulux consumer."

(students are advised to wear tinted safety glasses whilst conducting this experiment, and caution must be exercised at all times while handling the paint).

FrameyMcFrame Wed 08-Jun-11 17:06:52

style and beauty

1. when wearing bootcut blue jeans you should wear...
a. black boots
b. brown boots
c. no bootcut jeans please, capris darling.

2.what is a BBH? and is it the best thing ever or a big waste of money?

3. The MN haircut is
a. great
b. Cadfael

4. true or false..
A fleece is a great school run cover up.

ComeIntoTheGardenMaud Wed 08-Jun-11 17:12:37

Question 778.

Kindly insert your hand into MN's patented MRI remote scanner-glove (in attached envelope) so that your MN Yummy Mummy Rating can be calculated. Is it

a) too low to be measured
b) within the usual parameters
c) 11
d) sufficient to cause the scanner to implode and dissolve into anti-matter?

ComeIntoTheGardenMaud Wed 08-Jun-11 17:22:00

Where can you buy Farrow and Ball paint?

a) Who are Farrow and Ball? Didn't I see them in panto at Runcorn in 1987?
b) In the local decorators' merchants. We live in that sort of area.
c) In "I Saw You Coming", run by dear Mr Enfield.
d) I have no idea. My interior decorator always sources the materials for me.

feralgirl Wed 08-Jun-11 18:24:13


Without first doing an advanced search, demonstrate the Mawbroon Roll.

charlieandlola Wed 08-Jun-11 18:39:18

Please provide the following dates, correct to the 1st decimal place:
When should you:
( a) start using your summer handbag
(b) move to your autumn handbag
(c) move to your winter handbag
(d) move to your spring handbag

charlieandlola Wed 08-Jun-11 18:41:12

Please translate the following into grammatically correct English, including the correct punctuation and apostrophe use.

1. Fraek
2. Nice Ham
3. Wnaky Baksets
4. My rl mate finbra
5. Pram Huns
6. TxtSpk

charlieandlola Wed 08-Jun-11 18:46:17

Please write a dissertation of no less than 10,000 words, commenting on the unreasonablness, or not, of one of the following subjects:

1. Should I park in parent and child spaces. My child is 21.
2. What is the function of baby pasta?
3. Should I pay the grapes my child ate on the way around the supermarket.
4. I can only feed 20 people from one chicken, am I a crap mother?
5. My husband earns £2m but we are broke, should I sack the nanny?
6. What is the difference between Ham and Nice Ham.

pipsy76 Wed 08-Jun-11 18:57:09

Which of the following statements is correct

1. Dragon butter is a nutritious substitute for hummous
2. It is entirely possible to feed a family of 8 on a weekly food budget of 25 pounds if you cook from scratch and are fond of lentils
3. Dogs are a socially useful pet and should freely be allowed to interact with children in public
4. Children should routinely be excluded from all family weddings

shineoncrazydiam0nd Wed 08-Jun-11 18:57:33

grin @ silverten.

Cars are common thread discussions on MN. Describe the circumstances that may have led to the following posts, and the possible actions you could recommend. Points will be awarded for incorporating the term "cats bum face" and "unreasonable" and any references to other current topics (threads about a thread)

a) someone has parked outside your house
b) someone without a disabled sticker parks in a disabled parking space
c) in a narrow road, someone wont let you pass
d) swerving violently from the fast lane of the motorway onto the hard shoulder

Toomuchtea Wed 08-Jun-11 19:06:38

Mathematics Short Paper - Additional section for G&T

Estimate the lapse of time before the statement “the terrible twos is the most challenging period of childhood” receives the following replies:

a. Nothing is more challenging than a teenager.
b. Just you wait. Nothing is more challenging than a teenager
c. My teenagers are all angels and those of you moaning are Bad Mothers.
d. A lone reply in support of the OP.

CoffeeDodger Wed 08-Jun-11 19:14:13

Identify at least 4 cliques and 1 pivotal member of each.
Name at least 5 titles of Nobdie Threads.

Compare and discuss the embarassment factor of the OP's who posted about the Pouffe of Poo and the Shitting elf and contrast with the level of embarrasment Shiny experienced when she was caught naked in her kitchen.

PSHE and citizenship higher level paper.

When removing ones knickers, should you:

a) pull them off with your trousers
b) remove and leave where they fall
c) remove and sling in wash basket
d) remove, fold neatly inwards insuring the gusset is concealed?

Maths paper - Probability - G&T

Rank in order of ascending order the probability of each of the proposed responses to the question actually being received
Question - My 2 year old can count to ten and said the word spangle yesterday shall I apply for Mensa?

a) No you are an pushy parent who will crush your child with the weight of your expectations.

b) My DC could count backwards from a trillion in Swahili by 17 months.

c) I think you should try extending them sideways little Tarquin plays the trombone, does macrame and can weave his own hummous.

d) Your DC sounds like a real poppet.

deepfriedcupcake Wed 08-Jun-11 19:29:09

Physics practical:

Wire up MN so that anyone using text speak while typing recieves a small electric shock through their keyboard.

LeQueen Wed 08-Jun-11 19:52:59

Mumsnet Textiles Intermediate Paper 1. (practical)

"Using your own materials, design and make a sock-puppet"

LeQueen Wed 08-Jun-11 20:00:38

Mumsnet Psychology Paper 2.

"You walk into your bathroom, and inadvertantly catch your DH having a wank. Which of the following is most typical of a MN response:

a) Phew...if he's cracked one off now, that'll save me having to perform later on tonight.
b) Breakdown sobbing as you dial Relate for an emergency appointment
c) This doesn't apply to me as I know my DH doesn't wank

Portofino Wed 08-Jun-11 20:14:33

<< snorts at LeQueen>>

Suncottage Wed 08-Jun-11 20:21:05

My DH never watches porn. Is he a pervert? Should I leave the bastard?

silkenladder Wed 08-Jun-11 20:22:47

Language and Abbreviations

What is FF?

a. An alternative to BF which you were forced to use but still feel guilty about.

b. A barely adequate alternative to BF which should be banned.

c. An dangerous alternative to BF which could result in INTERNAL DECAPITATION.

d. A ferility website.

LeQueen Wed 08-Jun-11 20:33:37

port that's twice you've snorted at're going to give yourself a nose-bleed shock

Portofino Wed 08-Jun-11 20:36:55

You shouldn't be so amusing then! grin

LeQueen Wed 08-Jun-11 20:43:10

Mumsnet Citizenship Paper 1.

"A proud MN-etter posts to say her DC has just got a place at The University of New Portsmouth (South) to study for a combined honours degree in Meeja Studies & Dance Philosophy. What is the typical MN response?

a) Well dun Hun, hugz to U and your (big) Little One. U must be so proud xxx
b) Sorry, I can't type a response as I've just snorted coffee all over my keyboard in surpressed mirth
c) WTF...that'll come in handy when they're working on the tills at Wilkos in 3 years time, will it?

New Portsmouth? WTF is that? Old Portsmouth I can do for shopping grin


1. Avid and Wise
2. Nobdie
3. BESH and PESH
4. Do you ever wonder

LeQueen Wed 08-Jun-11 21:01:14

If I have to explain it's going to kill the humour, but...I'm basically inferring that there's already a University of Portsmouth which is probably a second rate university, so the University I'm refering to is going to be at least third rate, as it's come after the original one...and then the fact that it's The University of New Portsmouth South indicates that Portsmouth has other (shitty) universities in it's North, East and West quadrants...

You see, when it's explained, it just aint funny hmm

<<tuts loudly>>

Identify the official MN mascott:

1. Flappy the Bat
2. bear
3. penguin
4. Polar bears
5. Nice Ham

deepfriedcupcake Wed 08-Jun-11 21:07:59

Maths multiple choice:

2 x Pi x MN equals the circumference of

a) the halo of crumbs round DC's highchair that the dog is now seeing to
b) MIL's scowl after the correct response to the questions "are you sure you should be doing that?"
c) the ideal brim size of DS's lovingly crafted homemade spangly wizard hat for silly hat fundraising day
d) Other. Please state ...............................

Sorry Le Queen. blush

<runs and hides without mentioning she is from shitty Portsmouth!>

New question:

When you don't understand something should you?

a) ask for an explanation; or
b) shut the fuck up and move on? grin

LeQueen Wed 08-Jun-11 21:27:51

Actually I like Portsmouth, too. It was just the first name that sprang to mind...I could have gone with The University of New Telford (Souht) it would have worked equally as well, if not slightly better hmm

grin I was actually thinking how the feck had they managed to build a new Uni without me noticing. grin

BelleDameSansMerci Wed 08-Jun-11 21:41:38

LeQueen grin

Mumanator Wed 08-Jun-11 21:42:03

Underline all those ingredients which are in fact just sugar and which you should avoid in products you intend to give to your pfb:

a. Dextrose
b. Sucrose
c. Agave Nectar
d. Concentrated Grape Juice
e. Manuka Honey
f. Glucose
g. Maltose

LeQueen Wed 08-Jun-11 21:42:57

[pats youarekidding affectionately...]

You've made the classic mistake of taking my posts seriously, and that's something you should never, ever only leads to confusion and angst wink

I thought I had retained some semblance of a pelvic floor after giving birth. It appears I haven't after all. Thanks, MNers. grin


<<bristling affectionately with Pompey-defending vibes with youarekidding >>

(Actually - I think they're building new bits of University every bloody day - have you seen the Victoria Baths site recently?)

Question 19256: When faced with criticism of your dear old home town/city do you -

a) join in with general piss-taking, denying any connection with said town/city whilst weeping softly inside

b) take up arms and launch a broadside against anyone daring to state that the place of your abode is anything less than a modern-day Shangri-La

c) shrug with indifference. After all, the roads are a bit shite and the other day you saw a tramp turn his nose up at a shop doorway as it was a bit untidy and down-market for his liking.

The answer to all of these, is of course 42 brew

The flappy bit of the loo roll goes
A) down the front
b) down the back
C) you don't care as long as DH doesn't wipe his willy on the curtain

MN Wordsearch: Find as many MN words as possible:


Words may appear in any direction.

CuntyMacCaw Wed 08-Jun-11 23:18:58

Ooh, I love that, Talc smile

ComeIntoTheGardenMaud Wed 08-Jun-11 23:27:45

Question 1042

MN is a super-selective forum and this entrance exam seeks to identify those who can most benefit from the facilities which MN provides. It will be marked stringently.

Have you been tutored for this exam?

a) Yes, since the age of 12
b) No, but I have practised on some old papers
c) No, someone as clearly destined as I am for MN can be sure of acing the entrance exam
d) No, as anyone who has to be tutored to get through the MN entrance exam will struggle to keep up once they've been admitted

Marks will be deducted for plagiarism or blatant dishonesty

CuntyMacCaw Wed 08-Jun-11 23:28:39
CuntyMacCaw Wed 08-Jun-11 23:30:13

Ah, it hasn't worked, never mind.

<goes to back of the class>

Actually, I think I'd like to take you up the front Cunty.

I've met types like you before.



move you up the front Cunty.


FriggFRIGG Wed 08-Jun-11 23:46:23

did you know?? you've made it into classics !!

or am i being very slow? probably

FriggFRIGG Wed 08-Jun-11 23:48:20

Actually, I think I'd like to take you up the front Cunty.

i think that might be the best typo you've ever made chaosy grin

petisa Thu 09-Jun-11 00:11:40

Now I really have snorted tea all over the place at that typo grin

Tee2072 Thu 09-Jun-11 06:55:27

If it wasn't so, um, risqué Chaos, that would be quote of the week!

Maybe we should campaign for a typo of the week. Or maybe even a chaos typo of the week. Hmm...

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 09-Jun-11 07:08:44

Oh, God, my pelvic floor is not cut out for Chaos' last typo.


CheerfulYank Thu 09-Jun-11 08:11:19

Bonus points for times you have actually out loud referred to DS/DD/DH as such. Additional bonus points if you are not from the UK but spend so much time on Mumsnet you begin sprinkling British English phrases into your normal speech, prompting your friends to hold an intervention.

Also: My husband has just politely asked that I desist with the wild shrieks of mirth triggered by CRT's cunty typo. Do I a)put a ribbon in my hair and give him a blowjob or b) leave the bastard?

TanteRose Thu 09-Jun-11 08:27:15

Mumsnet Driving Test:

Explain the correct motoring procedure for giving way on a narrow country lane, in less than 400 words. You MUST include the words zombie, wave and signboard.

TrillianWhoIsNotATwat Thu 09-Jun-11 09:30:50

Which of these is the greater crime, and why?
a) American Tan tights
b) Crocs
c) Uggs
d) Fake Uggs
e) Fake Uggs with the sides trampled down

<<hands Chaos the trophy for Best Typo in the History of MN Ever Bar None>>


tb Thu 09-Jun-11 13:35:17

Norks - could you add the option?

d) folded into a tasteful triangle (or other equally pointless shape)

YankNCock Thu 09-Jun-11 14:45:50

Gusset Bleaching is due to:

a) Acid fanjo
b) Weeing yerself
c) You do what?!
d) I wouldn't know, my pelvic floor/vaginal pH is wonderful daaaahling

Chaos : quote of the week as well as best typo ever. Have some wine wine wine to celebrate!

MardyBra Thu 09-Jun-11 16:51:24

Am I sad in I actually tried to do TalcandTurnips's wordsearch (but got frustrated because it didn't quite line up).

Just bleached my gusset at that typo choas grin

CheerfulYank Thu 09-Jun-11 18:22:46

I sort of want to do the name a Mumsnetter for every letter one. blush
ApocalypseCheese, Beesimo, ChaosTrulyReigns, DeulingFanjo , ElmoFan, FridaKahlo, GoMummyGo, Hullygully, ItsGraceAgain , Jamie(in all incarantions smile ), KaraStarbuckThrace, LeQueen, MardyBra, NeverGoogleDragonButter, OTheHugeManatee, Pagwatch, QueenMary, RazzleBathbone, Shineoncrazydiamond, Teaandcakeplease, UndiscoveredApprentice, Valiumredhead, WorkingItOutAsIGo, XStitch, YouAreKidding, Z...WHY CAN'T I THINK OF A Z?

<epic fail>

But I made it in as your U - I have made it in the MN real world!!!!!!!!!!

BitOfFun Thu 09-Jun-11 18:37:12


CheerfulYank Thu 09-Jun-11 19:15:00


I hear your frustrations MardyBra re the wordsearch - it all lined up in the message box and then went skewiff when I posted it! Took feckin ages too.

However - the words/phrases contained within were:

Bumsex (of course!)
My Fanjo
Gin and tonic
Wogan's Cock
Fruit Shoots
Rivers of Sweetcorn
Per Una

Actually - I seem to have buggered up Bumsex - it now has an F in it.

That was so difficult! These wordsearch Johnnies really earn their money - unsung heroes of the puzzle world [jingoism emoticon]

I am going to change my name to ZorksAreMessy just to get on cheerful's list

CheerfulYank Thu 09-Jun-11 23:38:42

You were actually the front runner for N but then I had to give it to Dragon as it's become so iconic smile

<hands over Runner-Up tiara to Norks >

YankNCock Fri 10-Jun-11 01:17:04

How come I'm NEVER anyone's Y?



CheerfulYank Fri 10-Jun-11 01:36:14

I was panicking! I felt like I was being timed. <test geek emoticon>

<<offers polite MidWestern apology>>

YankNCock Fri 10-Jun-11 01:45:31

you're alright, just don't forget me next time neighbour! grin

nickelbabe Fri 10-Jun-11 12:06:12

I should have been the front runner for N.
<sob sob>

PerAr6ua Fri 10-Jun-11 17:54:08

Can I just say - as well as having the best typo ever... Scottishmummy used emoticons! And italics! Never seen that before shock

Miggsie Fri 10-Jun-11 18:27:32

Write a sentence to include each of the following words/terms in their correct MN context. Extra marks will be given if more than one word is used in a single sentence. All words must be included in at least once. Marks will be deducted for poor spelling, grammar and any use of txtspk.

a) ladygarden
b) twunt
c) fanjo
d) twigs and pebbly shit
e) bunting and cupcakes
f) bridezilla
g) PFB

grin Thanks Cheerful Yank - I know I was just the W nearest your post but I have never before been named in any list of MNetters - am too much of a lurker and not funny enough/controversial enough to be remembered. You made my Friday night!

MrsGuyOfGisbourne Fri 10-Jun-11 19:34:29

Ths has to be the funniest, funniest , FUNNIEST thread ever! Got as far as the first nice ham before I collapsed in a heap of snorting, and MissHonkover's version of leave the bastard just finished me off... The weekend starts here!

CheerfulYank Fri 10-Jun-11 19:35:02

Always happy to oblige Working! I do know who you are, actually. (Not in a RL stalkerish way, of course, I mean on MN grin )

CheerfulYank Fri 10-Jun-11 19:39:00

That twunt of a Bridezilla is having the wedding party take swimsuit picture and demanding that the bridal party get fanjo waxes! I put up with helping her make the centerpieces (twigs and pebbly shit, don't you know hmm ), and the sickly pink and black bunting she's insisting on having at the reception site to match the cupcakes on the headtable, but she can just bloody well leave my ladygarden out of it! Oh my jeff I hope she's part of the childfree movement, can you imagine how PFB she'd be with sprogs? AIBU to never speak to her again after this travesty of a wedding?!!


MrsGuyOfGisbourne Fri 10-Jun-11 19:45:34

CY grin grin grin

Nickel we could share?
CY you's funny lady
chaos thanks for the brilliant thread and even more brilliant typo

CheerfulYank Fri 10-Jun-11 22:51:07

<waits patiently for Miggsie to come tell me how many points I've earned for the above paragraph>

QuinionsRainbow Sat 11-Jun-11 11:15:37

Both questions must be attempted. You may write on both sides of the paper.

(1) Compare and contrast:

(2) Nobdie! Discuss.

nickelbabe Sat 11-Jun-11 11:32:25

thank you Norks <wipes tears>
that makes me very happy. smile

Miggsie Thu 16-Jun-11 12:27:01

Sorry, CY, have been distracted recently but I think I can just allow that paragraph as qualifying you as earning full marks.

You can now go to the top of the class and jump off. grin

OhdearNigel Thu 11-Aug-11 17:08:28

You suspect you might be pregnant. What do you do ?
1) Buy a test
2) Go to the doctor
3) Post all your symptoms on mumsnet in thread entitled "do you think I might be PG ?"

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