Please remove your book from my knickers DS

(409 Posts)

said to my 11 month old who presented me with a book to read to him while I was on the loo.

Any other things you never, ever thought you would say?

Bringmewineandcake Tue 12-Mar-13 12:55:50

Have only read the 1st page and I already have tears!!

blondieminx Sun 20-Jan-13 22:21:44

Was reminded of this thread earlier when I had to say.... "Um not sure if teddy needs a tampon up his jumper, not even as a magic wand"

grin

Katiki Sun 30-Dec-12 21:08:56

Dd2 after KS2 sex ed. Whilst I'm driving...

Mummy how many times have you and daddy had sex?
Me erm I'm not sure I haven't counted...

Dd2 Well you have me and Dd1 so you must have had sex AT LEAST TWO TIMES accompanied by look of utter disgust!

Brilliant Thread btw

After telling dd to find her crawling brother in mothercare (hr had escaped whilst I was trying shoes on her)

Dd: I've got him mummy.
Me upon seeing them: lovely dd now would you get off your brothers back I asked you to find him not sit on him!!

Startailoforangeandgold Fri 12-Oct-12 23:53:27

"No Charlie didn't do it!"
Charlie is a toy dog and thus, I believe, very unlikely to have covered the study floor in washing powder.

FTRsMammy Fri 12-Oct-12 23:22:49

"No thank you darling I don't want you to keep me company while I have a poo."

"No FTR, mammy doesn't have a tail" (at top of voice in M&S) " of course you do mammy, let me see"blush

"No darling I'm not going to kiss your tail better"

"I don't understand, where are your trousers??!!??"

"Stop pulling my top down/up"

"Get your hands/head out of my top"

iliketea Sun 07-Oct-12 08:22:35

No dd my nipples are not targets.

To 2.10yo dd while sharing a bath, we had some water pistols.

Noopypappy Sun 27-Nov-11 16:17:02

That's not a duck, it's a packet of crisps. To DS 15 months.

LatherRinseRepeatAsNeeded Mon 31-Oct-11 14:57:38

No the people in Sainsburys do not want to see mummy's boobs

No don't open the door while mummy is on the loo, the neighbour does not want to see mummy having a wee

Stop eating the cat food, you'll not want any dinner (said almost every day)

No mummys tummy is not called "fat pig" (cue DP choking on his coffee due to trying not to laugh)

No you can't have cereal for lunch/dinner (every meal time)

If you don't like it spit it on to your own plate not mummys

Stop screaming at the cat (another almost daily one)

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom Mon 31-Oct-11 14:39:36

But why did you stand still while <little girl at nursery> painted your head green DD?

TimrousBeastie Sun 23-Oct-11 20:28:27

no mum doesn't have milk in her boobs anymore-and even if i did the kitten would not be getting any of it!!

wonkylegs Sat 22-Oct-11 23:18:04

Take those toast tongs off your winkie this instant! (I was on the phone at the time and caught what he was doing out of the corner of my eye and without thinking bellowed it at him and down the phone.... Cue stunned silence at other end of the phone)

CardyMow Sat 22-Oct-11 18:19:54

Please do not poke my nipple with a spoon.

Fingers + eye = Ouch.

My boob is not a portable object.

Please do not cry, the book has ended the same way every one of the 4000 times I have read it to you. It ends with This is my dinosaur, it's spines are so soft. If you are unhappy with the ending then phone the publisher. (Said to 8.5mo DS3 who was having a tantrum over the ending of the book. hmm )

No, those ladies are not fat because they have eaten all the food in Tesco's, no they won't break the bus when they get on it.

No, I am inclined to think that there is not in fact a tyrannosaurus Rex hiding under your bed, and I am quite sure it is not going to chew your toenails off while you are asleep.

Please do not CHEW my boob.

Do not lick that lady's jumper.

Banana is not hair gel.

No, you cannot take your birthday worm to school.

WHY did you use your chicken-poxy baby brother as a dot-to-dot. OMG that was permanant marker. In blue. I know you were bored because I said you can't go to the park when you have CP, but your baby brother does not double up as a colouring book. Yes, I know you couldn't ask me to get one because I was on the loo and I wouldn't let you in. No, your brother does not look pretty with his chicken-pocks joined up like twinkle stars.

If you bite your own finger it will hurt. Getting angry because it hurts is not something I can help you with - just stop biting it.

Yes, I know the man is so fat that he is taking up two seats on the bus. No I don't know if he paid for an extra ticket because he is using two seats. Can you play 'lets see who can be quiet the longest'.

No, our under-stairs cupboard will NOT turn into the tardis if you paint the door blue with your felt-tips.

No, I cannot buy you the real life Amy Pond for Christmas.

No you cannot have a Dalek as a pet.

NO we are NOT stealing 'just one' penguin from the zoo. No, we can't keep it in the back garden, it will miss it's other friends at the zoo. No that is not a good reason to take ALL of the penguins at the zoo. No, DS2, we cannot move into the zoo so that you can live with the penguins.

No, that man does not have sausages on his head, they are called dreadlocks.

And probably many, many more
.

nojustificationneeded Thu 28-Jul-11 15:53:21

DD please take the (real) rat out of your hat, it will not stay there while we go shopping.

No DS, Poo is not a toy.

It was a particularly boisterous nappy change this morning.

This thread is a fantastic read lmao!

I have had the obligatory cubical doors and willy pulling ones and also:

It is not polite to slip the tongue

Take your thumb out of the dogs bum!

Don't bite the dog

please ds if you are going to ride your big sister like a pony could you do it on her back not her tummy and not bother with rising trot, you're frightening me!

errr, the dog is just trying to play horsey on my leg

me: (open front door forgetting I had left buggy under porch so trip over it) Oh Blast!
dd: (3 at the time) It isn't oh Blast Mummy, it's ohh Bugger!
me: No it's not, I need words with Daddy!

I think I could go on and on, there is probably something everyday that I would never have dreamed myself saying when my first was born 6 years ago and I probably have the rest of my life ahead of the same!

GeekLove Sat 25-Jun-11 22:15:41

Yes dear you can wear your sandals in bed.'and your shark fin.'

Said to DS1 as we eventually put him to bed tonight.

jaggythistle Thu 09-Jun-11 21:06:32

no, don't chew Grandad's hammer please DS.

poor boy is teething and apparently the handle looked pretty good. hmm

littlepinkpear Wed 08-Jun-11 21:23:50

Please stop rubbing your chewed gammon on the TV.

To DD 21 months old.

Sigh.

stubbornstains Wed 08-Jun-11 13:06:31

"Get your watering can out from under the grill, we're having fish fingers for tea, not watering can".

fuzzpigFriday Tue 07-Jun-11 21:05:58

This evening I've said to DS:

"no, we don't put chicken in the plug socket"

"hitting me won't make me get my boob out any faster you know!"

Stop jabbing the plug socket with your fork and eat your dinner!

MrsSnaplegs Tue 07-Jun-11 06:40:08

It is still there, I know you have just discovered it but it hasn't fallen off since your last nappy change!
To my 25 week old son who has just discovered he's a boy grin
Why do I sense I'm going to be saying this for a very long time

No, you can't take that piece of radiator to playgroup. Leave it there, I think it's important.

allhailtheaubergine Tue 07-Jun-11 05:16:32

Stop licking each other.

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