Please remove your book from my knickers DS

(409 Posts)

said to my 11 month old who presented me with a book to read to him while I was on the loo.

Any other things you never, ever thought you would say?

SnailWhaleTail Thu 26-May-11 07:56:58

Please do not shut your brother in the freezer.

No willies at the dining table please.

No thank you I do not want to see you put your finger in your bottom.

Those ones are just from yesterday ( sigh ).

TrinityIsAShreddingFatRhino Thu 26-May-11 08:00:36

no I dont want to see your foof thankyou

stop putting snails in the fridge

can I please just crap in peace!!!!!

snailwhaletail, they are really funny

op, good iea for a thread grin

TrinityIsAShreddingFatRhino Thu 26-May-11 08:03:59

this could be very cathartic

no I dont think you're teacher would like to see your rotten fish

Trust me love, the ladybirds would be much happier if they weren't in a tupperware box.

WowOoo Thu 26-May-11 08:06:52

Please stop licking the television.

Love the willies on the table one. I thought feet were bad!

CadleCrap Thu 26-May-11 08:08:53

No dear, your willie isn't broken, it is meant to do that

ForeverNamechanging Thu 26-May-11 08:14:11

We don't lick strangers

Sadly said on more than one occasion

TrinityIsAShreddingFatRhino Thu 26-May-11 08:17:15

'we dont lick strangers' grin

Tee2072 Thu 26-May-11 08:35:20

This from ages ago, when my son was under a year. He had a frog that he was only allowed to play with when having his nappy changed so it was a distraction.

'Son, please take the frog off your penis. Thank you.'

"Please stop putting the Stig up Mummy's skirt".

"Please don't put your dinosaurs in the toilet" (to which the response was "But Mummy, they're having a wee!").

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Thu 26-May-11 08:50:02

Why is there a stapler floating in the toilet?

WeirdAcronymNotKnown Thu 26-May-11 09:05:35

"Yes DS. That's your willy. See? It hasn't disappeared in the last five minutes."

WeirdAcronymNotKnown Thu 26-May-11 09:06:14

"My nipple is not a button."

topsyturner Thu 26-May-11 09:08:23

Please stop licking the dog .

LittleBlueBoat Thu 26-May-11 09:14:54

"Dont throw the elephant at the window,please"

"Get the pirate out of your mouth"

"stop raming your motorbike in the tv"

"Sorry, but i dont control what is on tv"

"Oh look you did a poo in the bath, lets get out and your Dad can send it down the toilet"

LittleBlueBoat Thu 26-May-11 09:17:23

"My boob is not yours, no its not, stop twiddeling"

"My nipple does not twist that way it hurts mummy, please stop laughing"

"no, the dog does not want your willy in his eye"

MentalOriental Thu 26-May-11 09:35:08

"How did you manage to wee on your head?"

"I'm not really sure I want to sleep in the kitchen cupboard tonight, but thank your for putting a cushion in there for me."

"Stop putting cat food in the welly"

Quenelle Thu 26-May-11 09:47:31

"Where did you leave your poo?"

Trinaluce Thu 26-May-11 09:47:37

'I'm glad you're enjoying Singing in the Rain, but can you get off the coffee table and put your clothes back on?'

'STOP DRAWING ON YOUR BITS'

'The baby in mummy's tummy doesn't like tea, stop trying to pour it through my belly button'

'Thanks for that condescending round of applause, but I have actually been doing MY wee-wees in the toilet for several years now.'

...I'm sure there must be many more. There'll be at least three by the end of today!

TeeBee Thu 26-May-11 09:51:51

Please detatch yourself from my boob, you are 8, you should know better.
I know tickling gives you a stiff willy - that's why I DON'T want to do it.
Put your todger away.
Don't eat your brother's bogies, please stick to your own.
Please lower your voice to a loud shout.

TeeBee Thu 26-May-11 09:53:14

Oh, and said daily:
Your bottom hole is NOT the Octohatch and I don't want to see you open it.

TobyLerone Thu 26-May-11 09:55:37

"Stop doing the Running Man in my office. It's distracting me from my spreadsheet."

Said the other day to a colleague.

cheethaz Thu 26-May-11 10:00:52

"No, its not nice to put rice in your china" (my daughters word for vagina when she couldn't pronounce it properly)

TrinityIsAShreddingFatRhino Thu 26-May-11 10:01:54

'your bottom hole is not an octohatch and I don't want to see you open it.'

<chokes on my drink> grin

what is an octohatch anyway?

Sirzy Thu 26-May-11 10:01:56

Love this thread!

"no your aeroplane doesn't need washing, especially not in the washing machine"

sjm123 Thu 26-May-11 10:02:02

Why is there buttered bread in your bed?

Get down from the ceiling, slowly.

Who has been making tripwires from wool and safety pins?

No, inside the sofa bed is not a good place to hide, get out before you hurt yourself.

I said you could have a snack, like a cheese string, not the entire block of cheese.

Please stop posting my CDs out of the letterbox.

Please get off of my head.

And many, many more. Thankfully they've pretty much grown out of this kind of stuff now grin

BerylOfLaughs Thu 26-May-11 10:02:31

OMG these are hilarious!

"Yes, thank you for showing me, now could you put it back where you got it from" x10 per day

After accidentally turning the tv on without checking the channel first:
"No darling she called the other woman a short, fat mutt, it's just a type of dog, no, 'slut' isn't really a word. I've never heard it before, have you?"

TrinityIsAShreddingFatRhino Thu 26-May-11 10:03:38

beryl, lol lol lol

TeeBee Thu 26-May-11 10:05:24

Trinity don't you watch the Octonauts??? [grins] It is the opening to their submarine thingy.

openerofjars Thu 26-May-11 10:05:26

Okay, this one needs to go in Mumsnet Classics.

TrinityIsAShreddingFatRhino Thu 26-May-11 10:06:59

oooh the octonauts, I have seen that but not lots

Bottleofbeer Thu 26-May-11 10:07:26

Not so much the things I've said (though there have been thousands of them over the years)

I've had to put a wetted teatowel over my finger on practically up my son's bum when he experimented with pepper whilst naked.

I've had to remove chewing gum from same orifice of another son - it went on for ages.

And squeeze my daughter's ears so she could poo.

Bottleofbeer Thu 26-May-11 10:08:18

on = *and. Sheesh.

TrinityIsAShreddingFatRhino Thu 26-May-11 10:09:33

I've had to encourage a pretend poop so that dd1 could poop out a marble that she had no idea how it had come to be there hmm

and she HAD to do it on the potty because she didn't want to lose the marble down the loo....

fuzzypicklehead Thu 26-May-11 10:10:45

"Not right now, Mummy's scraping your sippy cup off my oven racks."

"I found your shoe--it was in the dishwasher"

JumpJockey Thu 26-May-11 10:11:54

"That's right darling [aged 15 months], give mummy the hammer"

In my defence, I was putting up some garden trellis and she had been playing at the other end of the garden thereto.

Likesshinythings Thu 26-May-11 10:12:37

"stop drinking the bath water, your bum has been in it"

"No, Mummy is not prepared to kiss that better. It's where you wee from"

openerofjars Thu 26-May-11 10:12:47

"Stop calling Grandma a bum sandwich, DS"

"Please stop bouncing on my head"

"Stop licking that/running around with that in your mouth/hitting Daddy with that or it's going on top of the fridge until tomorrow"

"No, that man is NOT Daddy"

kerpob Thu 26-May-11 10:13:14

We have pet chickens so, we have had the following:

"Chickens don't like to trampolene."

"Stop putting pegs on the chicken."

"Who put chicken poo in my wine?"

And the weirdest:

"Take your Gormiti off the chicken."

No, you cannot go for a wee while your sister is on the toilet.

to DS AGED SIX!!!!!!! FGS!

Please don't put tomatoes under your pillow again. hmm

MyLifeIsChaotic Thu 26-May-11 10:21:02

Message withdrawn

HazedandConfused Thu 26-May-11 10:21:03

I actually had to make a rule for DS:

"No climbing on touching mummy while I'm going to the loo, until I have finished AND PULLED UP MY KNICKERS".

QueenofDreams Thu 26-May-11 10:24:17

'sweetie, get out of the washing machine please'

'I am NOT a trampoline, ouch, ouch'

'I don't think your sister wants to eat a lemon' swiftly disproved when she burst into hysterical howls as I took the thing away.

PMSL at the octohatch though!

TeeBee Thu 26-May-11 10:26:58

Wouldn't be so bad but the opening the Octohatch is always accompanied by them singing the theme tune. My sons are very weird creative.

"No, Jasper Conran is not your Daddy"
"dd2 stop playing with dd1's bum"
("Is that a man or a lady?") "That's a lady." ("How do you know it's a lady mummy?") "Cos it's a lady. Come on, walk a bit faster" blush
"I don't think mummy wants all these toys in her bath"

"I don't think your willy is meant to be wrapped around a pencil"

"Don't use your tongue when you kiss the dog"

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns Thu 26-May-11 10:30:11

stop licking the stones dd (every trip to the beach since she could pick them up, shes now 2 1/2....)
dont lick the mole hill
dont lick the frog
do you see a pattern....

dont eat that..

Your willy doesnt go in there

dont shut your sister in the rabbit run

no i wont kiss your willy better, if you left it alone it wouldnt go 'big' and hurt.

i dont care what <insert kids character here> does or sayes they are NOT my child therefore they do not have to follow my rules

get that out of your nose

stop snorting after every sentence (dd is an avid peppa fan)

i dont think the rabbit will like your crisps ds

LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES ON!

please dont use my boobs to warm your hands, hands out of mummys top please

yes daddys willy is bigger than yours pulling it wont help you have to be patient... 3mins later... repeat.

oh and calmly discussing nappies/toilet training at meal times.

i could go on all day, the joys of 2 under 4.

"Get out of the tumble dryer DS"

"Why is there a chewed sausage in the bath?"

MumblingRagDoll Thu 26-May-11 10:33:35

Don't push your tongue through the knot hole in the fence...no... the neighbours don't want to see it.

OTheHugeManatee Thu 26-May-11 10:33:43

grin

Sirzy Thu 26-May-11 10:36:27

5 mins ago "no Ds, you don't eat that raw potato like it's an apple"

openerofjars Thu 26-May-11 10:46:48

"Oh FGS, if you don't like it, just put it on the side of your OWN plate, not mine"

"PLEASE stop wiping your hands down my jeans!"

"Wipey time!"

"COME BACK HERE right NOW"

"Yes please, darling. I think I've got a glass somewhere."

openerofjars Thu 26-May-11 10:48:41

Through gritted teeth:

"NONONONONONO do NOT open the cubicle door!"

confuseddotcodotuk Thu 26-May-11 10:55:27

Marking my place ;D I found the sippy cup in the oven genius haha

KvetaBarry Thu 26-May-11 10:55:35

'mummy is not a trampoline!'

'mummy is not a climbing frame'

'my nipple is not a hand/foot hold!'

'I don't think that insect is edible'

'why is the screwdriver in the washing machine?'

'your football is NOT an apple' (he still took a huge bite out of it, then ran in screaming because it tasted disgusting)

cosysocks Thu 26-May-11 10:56:32

Please don't pick your nose and eat it whilst wiping your bum!

CoffeeDodger Thu 26-May-11 10:57:42

No i dont want to know how many poos you did or what they look like.. pleasr stop describing them to me! (4yo DS)

montmartre Thu 26-May-11 11:03:17

Tee- you may not believe this, but I have to say " please take the frog off your penis" on a regular basis too! grin

grin

Looks like I've got years of this then. I was hoping when he started talking things could get more rational.

Silly me.

Psammead Thu 26-May-11 11:13:21

'How is there popcorn in your nappy?'
'no, he's not a bear, he's a cat'

'Will you STOP playing with the cat's food?! He doesn't play with yours, does he?'

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers Thu 26-May-11 11:14:03

Don't lick the rain off the car, go and get a drink of water.

CakeandRoses Thu 26-May-11 11:21:16

v funny thread, nice one OP.

Stop riding the baby!! (regularly screeched at said to toddler ds when astride the back of his crawling 9mo sister hmm)

No, it's not a button. Will you STOP pressing it!? (said to ds when pressing dd's birthmark and asking it's a button for the millionth time)

No, it's not another finger (said - between sniggers - to ds as he's squeezing his willy bloodless in order to 'strengthen' it for better use as an extra digit to press his calculator keys)

openerofjars yy, to the cubicle doors, i was pleading with ds on that very mater yday

OTheHugeManatee Thu 26-May-11 11:22:00

CoffeeDodger I have had that conversation with my 39-year-old DP. grin

SenoritaViva Thu 26-May-11 11:27:20

My friend had to say 'twins, stop peeing all over each other whilst bouncing on the trampoline'

'I don't care that Mr Nobody has got out of bed, I'm only interested in you'

'It was not Mr Nobody but you who drew on the walls. Come on admit it'

'Yes I suppose your fanny does have a nose'

Make sure your willy is tucked RIGHT into the bottle (whilst talking him through an emergency car wee)

Pancakeflipper Thu 26-May-11 11:28:31

" Mummy , look look, I am wearing a poo hat..."

My stomach lurches at the memory

SenoritaViva Thu 26-May-11 11:28:50

Oh and 'no I don't think horses like to eat strawberries' (to DH at the weekend)

rumpleteaser Thu 26-May-11 11:37:50

Please don't be sick on my toothbrush.
Stop brushing your hair with my toothbrush.

greygirl Thu 26-May-11 11:41:36

'Please stop impersonating deities in public'
'where have your knickers gone?' (endlessly)

TechLovingDad Thu 26-May-11 11:42:41

"Do you have to come in and eat your breakfast, while I'm on the pot?"

"Please stop telling everyone I wear Mummy's clothes, they'll think I'm weird.
What do you mean, good?"

"No you can't sing the word 'bumhole' in a Christmas Carol."

"What is THAT doing THERE?"

"No thanks, I don't need to see inside your mini. Yes, I know it's pink."

All at varying ages.

wheresmytractor Thu 26-May-11 11:42:58

Great thread!

No its not funny to let your brother play splash splash with your wee in the potty. Please tell mummy when you do it so I can put it down the toilet.

Stop roaring at the cat please

Stop roaring at mummy please

Stop roaring at strange children in the park - one of them will turn around and wallop you one day

NO YOU ARE NOT A BLOODY LION - STOP ROARING!

Leave the cubical door ALONE - MUMMY IS STILL WEEING!

and breathe.....grin

KvetaBarry Thu 26-May-11 11:47:11

oh, I forgot - 'stop sucking my mole!'

I have a large mole on the back of my leg, which the GP has said is not worth removing yet, but he's monitoring it. DS seems to think it's a spare 'back of the leg' nipple, and keeps trying to latch on to it. Which is utterly repulsive. I can't walk around the house in shorts, or change my trousers near him now, or he grabs onto the back of my leg and starts on the mole.

<bleurgh>

LeoTheLateBloomer Thu 26-May-11 11:47:30

These are brilliant!!

"No darling that's not a nappy, it's for mummy when she's had the baby"

"If the dog's licked it please don't then eat the rest"

"Please don't eat out of the dog's bowl"

Kendodd Thu 26-May-11 11:50:09

"No I don't want to see you punch yourself in the face, but thank you for asking"

chocolateyclur Thu 26-May-11 11:51:08

"Don't wash the cat with your tongue"

"Stop wielding knives"

"It's not a mouse, its called a tampon. And yes, it's meant to be up there"

Said by my friend at breakfast " I think that's enough jam in the teapot now thank you"!

Changebagsandgladrags Thu 26-May-11 11:54:53

Do not wee on the slide.

No I do not want to see your poo poo pattern

aquos Thu 26-May-11 11:55:26

"Get those tadpoles out of my living room"
Screeched at my 10yo dd last weekend.

"Whose shoved pooh down the bath overflow?"
The culprit was my 9yo ds.

beanandspud Thu 26-May-11 11:57:40

"Please stop painting your willy with the toothbrush"

"No, you are not putting out the fire with your wee wee"

"No, I am not the same age as Grandma"

"Please get up from the floor so that the dog will stop trying to hump you give you a cuddle"

IvyAndGold Thu 26-May-11 12:00:46

why is there a little shred of paper in your nappy that says '£5 off'? - had caught DD eating newspaper the day before. apparently a small piece had passed through, still complete with print.

that's the dog's treat, not yours.

you can't drink out of the dog bowl.

some of these are friggin' hilarious grin

Poopiefordinneragain Thu 26-May-11 12:03:17

No love, I'm sure you won't have to practise with the girls..... (DS1 worrying about KS2 sex ed)

Kateaw Thu 26-May-11 12:10:04

"Why is there boiled egg on the wall"?

Reply from child, "I sneezed"!

Nassau Thu 26-May-11 12:13:54

"No, they are not maltesers, you can't eat them. That's your poo."
Said to DD1 when she did her first poo in the potty.

"Stop licking the TV" (DD2)

"Stop licking the train window" <bleurgh> (DD1)

"Get that out of your mouth" - said ad infinitum to DD2

Only have 2 girls so luckily no willies on the table in this house! (DH has been trained - although he does sometimes do his willy-dance)

B52s Thu 26-May-11 12:17:59

'Don't wee on your brother'

worm77daisy Thu 26-May-11 12:18:28

"Yes your poo does look like a sausage...No it is not NOT delicious"

"No Snails are not bouncing on your bed", "Snails live in a country far away", "Snails live outdoors and not in mummy's house"

"Stop throwing caterpillars at the boys it makes them sad."

2.4DD

AmandaHugandkiss Thu 26-May-11 12:23:56

Did you draw on the baby's head?

Get out of the rabbit hutch.

Please take your willy out of the shampoo bottle.

GemAimee Thu 26-May-11 12:24:23

"Stop humping the sofa please."

For similar reasons, I could never sit him in a shopping trolley.

munstersmum Thu 26-May-11 12:26:10

"Snot is not a snack"

"Stop vaccuming the water out of the dog's bowl NOW"

Great thread. OP should compile them into one of those little books for Xmas.

hippychick66 Thu 26-May-11 12:30:02

"Those green blobs stuck to the side of the toilet are 'fresh disc cleaners' - they are not for target practice!" Said to my 2 sons (8 & 11) repeatedly. No wonder they don't last the advertised amount of flushes!

Rillyrillygoodlooking Thu 26-May-11 12:30:35

Take your head out of your dinner.

Leave your brother's willy alone.

CBear6 Thu 26-May-11 12:46:02

"That's not food!", usually said whilst frantically trying to scoop sand/Miracle-Gro/Pritt Stik out of DS's mouth.

<gritted teeth> "Baby doesn't want to say hello right now, sweetheart" - DS keeps lifting my top right up (and I mean right up) to say hello to my bump. I can safely say that most of the staff at Asda, Mothercare, Primark, and Boots have now seen my bra.

"That's your belly button ... Don't put the straw in it".

"Get the dog out of your mouth!"

(overheard when DS went to watch DH pee) "No. No .... NO!! Daddy is trying to wee, I don't want an empty toilet roll tube on my willy! .... AAARG!!! Let go! LET GO!!" (DS had apparently tired of the tube and grabbed himself a handful of ball instead).

"Why is there juice in the washing machine?"

"Get your bum out of my face."

"It's okay to sniff your own shoes if you desperately must but please stop sniffing the display ... And give that girl her shoes back! No, don't sniff them!"

"Get down!" x100000 times a day

"Put Santa's ornaments back! And that log! And those carrots are for the reindeer ... Sorry about this, Santa ... Are you going to say hello to Santa Claus? Oh ... Bye then, Santa"

barristermum Thu 26-May-11 12:47:03

"It's alright sweetheart, I can manage wiping my own bottom, but thank you for offering to help, that's very kind"

BebeBelge Thu 26-May-11 12:47:23

"DD, sweetheart, please take the fried rice out of your nose. It's not nice"

"No, we are not having poo for dinner. Or for snack"

"Why is your brother crying?" (x million every day confused )

"Absolutely no icecream until you've eaten all your hotdog!" blush

"please come in from the balcony and put some pants on"

"get your head out of the oven now!"

"Your brother is not a train!"

I could go on forever here and ds isn't even talking yet!

psychovillemum31 Thu 26-May-11 13:01:28

Please don't pick your nose and wipe it on Grandad! My breast is not removable! <while trying to pull my breast off to carry round like a cup!>

mrsjohnsimm Thu 26-May-11 13:16:06

"Yes, I expect that man does have a willy."

Meglet Thu 26-May-11 13:21:47

"I'm sure even Darth Vader wee's nicely in the toilet"

Said this morning in response to 4.6yo DS who was pee-ing a little too enthusiastically, he was the one who started talking about Vader - no idea why confused. He hasn't even seen the films yet.

TheLemur Thu 26-May-11 13:24:17

"Take your willy out of the magic wand"

"Please stop whisking the cat"

stubbornstains Thu 26-May-11 13:24:26

Please don't hit the cat with a bicycle pump.

If you must wear my knickers on your head, could you choose clean ones?

Antidote Thu 26-May-11 13:26:28

Crying with laughter here.

TechLovingDad Thu 26-May-11 13:29:16

"No, dear my bra is not a hat". DW to me on occasion.

LimburgseVlaai Thu 26-May-11 13:32:25

So so glad I don't have sons.

But: "Don't stick that toothbrush up your sister's bum!"

"Don't try to cuddle that cat - not all cats are as friendly as ours. You see, I TOLD you not to cuddle that cat. No DON'T hit the cat - it was your own fault."

"Please - please - please - can I have a poo in peace??"

TeeBee Thu 26-May-11 13:33:58

''If you must wear my knickers on your head, could you choose clean ones?''

Ha hah ha ha hah hah ha ha

Brilliant thread, but you'll all be in trouble if my hysterical snorts wake DS... grin

stubbornstains Thu 26-May-11 13:40:10

Yes, Mummy's having a wee with her fanny. In the toilet. When you are a big boy you will have a wee with your willy in the toilet.

Is the sight of Mummy naked really so side-splittingly hilarious? Oh dear.

MrsMichic Thu 26-May-11 13:43:17

I have just nearly gone into labour from this thread - I don't think I have laughed so hard for a long time!! My DS is 2 and here are some of ours:

"No, darling, we don't lick windows"
"No, darling, we don't lick tables"
"Please don't poke Mummy's eyes, it hurts"
"Yes that's your willy, please don't pull it so hard, it will come off"

smile

angels3 Thu 26-May-11 13:43:42

We know what the octohatch is, and to be honest its the funniest thing i have heard in a long time, currently wiping tears of laughter from my eye so I can type! I especially love the singing the theme tune!

tallblonde Thu 26-May-11 13:44:51

When changing DS's nappy last week - "dummies are not for hanging on willies."

Choosparp Thu 26-May-11 13:46:32

"Please do not lightsaber the cats."

trippy Thu 26-May-11 13:47:05

Don't drink the bath water dd, you have had your bottom washed in it, so its dirty.

No, I don't want a half chewed sweet.

Daddy never said that. (dd has a thing about saying daddy said eg I allowed a lolly)

Daddy never hit you.

Wurzelrubbish Thu 26-May-11 13:49:23

Brilliant thread grin

"Please take your brother out of the dolls pram"

"who put the babybell in the oven" (melted everywhere)

"No jelly beans to be put in bottoms or nostrils please"

"Where are your knickers???" Not that strange.....but a little alarming when its just as DD was about to go into her clasroom.

"Who pooed in the wendy house?"

TechLovingDad Thu 26-May-11 13:51:12

"Please do not lightsaber the cats." Quality. I remember buying one of Dds friends a cheap lightsaber for their birthday, though a little worried the parents would think it too wearpon like. Mum was cool with it, boy was over the moon and all the dads were smiling with a whistful look in their eye.

allhailtheaubergine Thu 26-May-11 13:51:20

"But... why are you naked?"

"Don't drink that... you just weed in it"

"Supper's ready. Could everyone wash hands and put on underpants as a minimum."

"No you can't use the iPad. Because it's 3 in the morning."

mummymeister Thu 26-May-11 13:53:51

She is not a teletubby she is a large lady in a red kaftan and yes i know she is carrying a handbag.
No we can not call our new dingy titanic - people would laugh at us
No you cannot marry the guinea pig and i don't care if your friends have bought you wedding presents and you have got your suit on.
I know i said grandpa is old and won't have many more birthdays so you have to go to his party whether you want to or not but you did not have to tell him

DiscoDaisy Thu 26-May-11 13:57:46

"Of course your willy is going to hurt if you keep pulling it!"
"Mum he's chasing me with his willy again!" DD1,2&3 about either DS's.

CBear6 Thu 26-May-11 13:58:27

"Mama doesn't have a diddle (DS's word for willy). Stop pointing".

"No, I'm not going for a wee-wee or a poo. I'm going to the counter to order our lunch. Stop shouting poo."

"Stop trying to hug drunks!" as we were walking through one of the <ahem> nicer areas of town.

"I'm sure I'd look lovely wearing two pairs of pyjama pants, Daddy's boxers, one of your vests, and three pairs of knickers but I'd much rather go for jeans and t-shirt, okay? ... Tantrums will get you nowhere".

"Where is all of Mama's underwear!?", took me bloody ages to find it as well, one minute the drawer was full and the next it was empty (turns out he'd thrown it all over the side of the banister, eventually found it all scattered down the stairs).

He's not even two yet, I'm dreading when he can actually talk!

Oh, and "put your pants back on" at least twice a day. He also does the Mama's knickers on his head thing.

Loolah Thu 26-May-11 13:58:32

stop trying to stand on the cat
the cat doesn't want hair bobbles/clips in her fur
get out of the fridge
stop climbing
stop touching
don't run off and hold my hand
leave your mini moo alone (dd2 aged2:2 constantly pulls, hits and fiddles with herself)

YankNCock Thu 26-May-11 13:59:59

"Please don't draw on the walls with cheese"

"Please don't put beans on the dog"

"Please don't pour milk over your shoes"

"Daddy doesn't like it when you poke his winkle with your toothbrush"

"If you're going to wee on the floor, could you at least avoid the carpet?"

I don't think daddy did scratch your foot with a big knife
Please can mummy have a poop in peace?
No mummy can wipe her own fluff thank you
where are you pants?
What do you mean you forgot to put your pants on?(after picking DD up from school!)
No daddy's willy is not like a sausage
Please put mummies tampons down, yes I know the puff up when put in the toilet but put them down please.

I don't think daddy did scratch your foot with a big knife
Please can mummy have a poop in peace?
No mummy can wipe her own fluff thank you
where are you pants?
What do you mean you forgot to put your pants on?(after picking DD up from school!)
No daddy's willy is not like a sausage
Please put mummies tampons down, yes I know the puff up when put in the toilet but put them down please.

Oops didn't mean to post twice blush

oh so funny

please don't put your willy down the back of the radiator

no, that lady isn't dead. (oh god that was SOOOO embarrassing...)

i have also said 'you need to finish your hot dog if you want ice cream' blush

Elk Thu 26-May-11 14:21:17

Please don't put your finger up the cats bottom. no, you can't wash with tomato soup you have to have a bath like everybody else (said slightly too late).

ChildofIsis Thu 26-May-11 14:21:29

Me - Please don't play with yourself.
DD age3 - But it's nice, I like it.
Me - It may be, but we don't do it in front of people.
DD - Ok, I'll just do it on my own then!

Elk Thu 26-May-11 14:21:55

knickers must be worn at the dinner table.

FoofffyShmoofffer Thu 26-May-11 14:22:29

The severed head is between your legs. (to DS last halloween)
No this isn't mummy's nappy (To DD at time of the month)
That isn't DSs tail (to DD in the bathroom last week)
Don't be upset. Dogs can't do ballet (to DD. She adores the dog)

Ooh just had is one........
No the iPad cannot smell your fartsconfused

SenoritaViva Thu 26-May-11 14:24:36

'No I don't want to sniff your bottom'
DD (age 3) 'Yes you do, sniff it sniff it'

This goes on for a good 5 minutes, where she got the idea that I would like to smell her bottom I have no idea.

These are hilarious.

PerAr6ua Thu 26-May-11 14:27:25

Oh this brings back some memories grin. I think my own most startling sentence was 'But toothbrush needs to go to sleep too' said in a despairing wail.

babyicebean Thu 26-May-11 14:46:28

'No the cat doesn't want a bath'
'No the cat doesn't want to be covered in glitter'
'Who sprayed the cat with my perfume?'
'Who sprayed hair glitter on the cat?'

The cat in question is a huge butch tomcat

Repeat the above changing cat for ferrets.

nevergoogle Thu 26-May-11 14:55:39

"why can't your brother have a forcefield too!!!!!" i shouted, i snapped yesterday.

saffy85 Thu 26-May-11 15:11:20

"Get your hand OFF my nipple! We are in M and S!"

"Take daddy's cigarettes out of you knickers!"

"Stop feeding baby wipes to the dog!"

"The baby in my tummy can not eat cake yet. Stop trying to shove some in my belly button. No, no don't try shoving it up my skirt either. Baby can not have cake yet."

<realises it's time for a chat about boundaries with DD> blush

Kingsroadie Thu 26-May-11 15:13:57

"Darling yes those are mummy's knickers. Oh are you wearing them on your head? How lovely. Oh splendid, you have raided the laundry basket to find said knickers." Cue little fists full of knickers from the dirty laundry to be thrust lovingly into my hands (and taken downstairs if I don't watch her carefully enough!). She is 18 months and had a knicker obsession.

WomanOfMassDestruction Thu 26-May-11 15:15:22

"No, no, Darling, go around the zebra..."

"No, Darling, don't throttle mummy, it's very rude..."

"Please leave your nose alone. No, I said leave it alone, not just face the other way so you think I can't see you."

"DD, please stop biting your toenails. They can't be tasty." "They can, Mummy" <shudders>

saffy85 Thu 26-May-11 15:21:32

"No for the last time I do not want to see the poo you just did even if it is shaped like a rocket!"

"Stop heckling the builders next door please DD. If you moon them you will come in from the garden right now!"

"If you don't eat your macdonalds you wont get any strawberries when we get home!" Said by DP. He got a hmm from me and a confused from the guy at the next table.

FoofffyShmoofffer Thu 26-May-11 15:25:32

saffy that last one reminded me of last time we were in Pizza Hut. DH spluttered laughing as I said " do you want some dessert?" "yes" "right well no salad then". (There was a whole convo leading to this)

saffy85 Thu 26-May-11 15:30:45

grin

BrainSurgeon Thu 26-May-11 15:39:47

Thanks DS I can wipe my own bum, don't need you to return the favour, there's a good boy

Sirzy Thu 26-May-11 15:48:23

No the man on tv doesn't want to share your drink

MrsSnaplegs Thu 26-May-11 15:48:52

Well if you will hide under X's desk to surprise her don't be surprised if you've stabbed yourself in the eye with an envelope.
Said to my 45 year old boss 2 days ago grin

gremlindolphin Thu 26-May-11 15:54:13

These are lovely!

Greige Thu 26-May-11 15:58:52

WHAT spider collection?? Show me NOW!

Please put my skirt down, the supermarket lady does NOT want to see my knickers

Stop nail varnishing the cats ears!

ScramblyEgg Thu 26-May-11 16:01:12

No, you can't eat that boy / girl

(said on a daily basis at the moment)

Please don't eat my baby.
I'd rather you used your own lipstick to paint the cat's bum to be honest.
Could you flap your haddock quietly please?
No, I don't know where to buy pink pubic hair dye. Yes, I will tell you if I see any.

All to my mother... No, she's not in a home. Yet.

OTheHugeManatee Thu 26-May-11 16:05:21

scented Those are grin but also so sad

YankNCock Thu 26-May-11 16:06:23

PerAr6ua, many inanimate objects in my house 'need a sleep' or 'have to have a nap now'. grin

oh another one:

"Yogurt is NOT shampoo!"

OTHM- no need to be sad, she's fine, comment about a home was Tongue in cheek smile (great name by the way!)

Pigleychez Thu 26-May-11 16:11:07

"say goodbye to Poo. Hes going to poo land"

"please dont sit on my face"

"No, I dont want you to watch me poo!"

"Please take your fingers out you bum"

"Dont lick Boogies"

izzybiz Thu 26-May-11 16:12:54

''Leave yourself alone please'' - To Dd

''No I don't want to look in your foo''- To Dd

''Go on, do a poo poo in the bath!'' - To a witholding Ds

''No, I am not a dancing tiger, Daddy is''- To Ds

''Yes, they are mamas boobies, lets not show everyone'' - To Ds

MrsSchue Thu 26-May-11 16:16:08

"No, the dog cannot become a cat if he wants to. Yes, he can be everything he wants to be. No, I am not denying him his right to choose. Yes, I do believe in him and want him to feel good about himself. But he still cannot be a cat. That's not how transgender works."

To DD, aged 8.

After she read a Daily Mail article about a trangender person.

snotsville Thu 26-May-11 16:30:27

I LOVE this thread. I just cried so hard at "underpants as a minimum" my contact lens went walkabout!!

We've had:

"Please do not drill the cat".

"Please stop showing everyone Mummy's bra".

"Erm, no you're not playing the Willy Game" (I have no idea what this game is, but overheard DS1's friend say it to DS in our tent on holiday!confused)

"No, you're not playing the bum game either".

"Can you come out from under Mummy's skirt please, I need to pay the butcher".

Loads more I can't think of now!

BumpPlus2 Thu 26-May-11 16:41:11

'I can see your NIPPLES Mummy' (DS1 3+9 to me whilst out walking in a May Day parade)
'No darling you can't see Mummy's nipples those are called ANKLES remember?!' blush

Trinaluce Thu 26-May-11 17:16:04

'DD, why is the dog green?'

'Don't try and push the dog around like a wheelbarrow, he doesn't like it'

'Well of course your mouth hurts, Vicks isn't a lip balm'

TrinityIsAShreddingFatRhino Thu 26-May-11 17:19:52

these are making me feel sooo much better

you lot are all battling crazy children and trying to keep them flying right grin

'those are called ANKLES remember...' hilarious

TrinityIsAShreddingFatRhino Thu 26-May-11 17:20:13

I can't quote them

everyone is making me snort, so so funny
kids are sooo fab

Wabbit Thu 26-May-11 17:28:26

I was always told 'don't put beans up your noses' when leaving the house with brothers and sister or with friends...

Surely this kind of thing begs for the child to do that very thing

though I never did <<halo emoticon>>

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers Thu 26-May-11 17:32:43

There is a song called 'Beans in your Ears' which suggests just that, Wabbit!

What's that? What have you got? Give it to Mammy. Give it to me now! If you dont pass Mammy the poo you're going to bed without a story! Thank you, good girl for giving mammy the poo, now pplease don't pick up poo off the street again dd.

Kateaw Thu 26-May-11 17:40:29

Overheard by my husband a supermarket loos.

"Yes you can be a crocodile if you want to, but be a crocodile who is doing a poo".

KristineKochanski Thu 26-May-11 17:45:50

'Can you take the Monkey out of the toilet then please, he doesn't go down there.'
Said to toddler ds who had decided to put his toy monkey in there.
I'm sure there's millions more I could think of, probably be back later with more grin

TheFlyingOnion Thu 26-May-11 17:46:56

I had to say in school today:

"Put NewBoy down. He is not your performing monkey"

Also "Do you really think Biff and Chip would be better off ditching the teddy and taking a gun in "Survival Adventure"? Do you think they are old enough to use a gun safely?"

acebaby Thu 26-May-11 17:59:50

'No I do not have a pretend willy'

'Please do not dress the cat in pants, he doesn't like it'

'Stop climbing out of the upstairs windows, it's a long way down'

'Quit eating the catfood, it's horrible'

'Please stop wiping your bottom on the curtains. That is what the toilet paper is for'

'Yes it DOES make a mess if you take the top off your cup and tip the juice over your head....AGAIN.'

'DO NOT OPEN THE SODDING CUBICLE DOOR WHILE MUMMY IS HAVING A POO' hmm

mami22 Thu 26-May-11 18:03:37

"Please do not lick your brother"

"Why did you poo in the sink??"

Antidote Thu 26-May-11 18:12:15

Where are you ds?

How did you get under the bed?

When the hell did you learn to crawl? I left you in the middle of the room and had a quick wee.

Oh god, please tell me you aren't really trying to eat my trainers.

Mamadel600 Thu 26-May-11 18:13:05

PMSL - absolutely hilarious. Has cheered me up on a particularly hard day. My DS is 11 weeks so I've got all this to come - don't know if I'm looking forward to it or dreading it! smile

'Yes I'm sure you can get your willy in the playmobil man's head but I don't think you should in case it gets....stuck. Oh really? Well umm wiggle it and see if it comes out. No I can't help, sorry, you got it in'.

grumblinalong Thu 26-May-11 18:20:49

DS1(7): 'Mum, how did you learn how to blow peas out from DS2's nostril?'
Me (very relieved to have got very stuck pea out): 'I read it on the internet.'
DS1: 'Awesome'

and

DS2(3): 'Mum you didn't drop the medicine, this fat lady did'
Me (to the pharmacist): 'I'm really sorry he just called you fat .' blush

Maxinemills Thu 26-May-11 18:26:43

Don't put lego in your moomoo.

FoofffyShmoofffer Thu 26-May-11 18:34:40

"No, the dog cannot become a cat if he wants to. Yes, he can be everything he wants to be. No, I am not denying him his right to choose. Yes, I do believe in him and want him to feel good about himself. But he still cannot be a cat. That's not how transgender works."

I.am.crying.grin

1stMrsF Thu 26-May-11 18:43:50

To DH: 'Just show DT1 your pubic hair will you?'...Because she wants to see it'

'No, don't run away or the poo will fall out and... <stops running after DT1 and looks down> ...onto my foot like that...'

Loudly, in public, often: 'Mummy is just going to have a wee-wee, I'll be back in a minute'

Numberfour Thu 26-May-11 19:11:27

Yes, "fucker" is a bad word and No, you cannot even think it. (DS is 6 and looks like your archetypal altar boy).

SeymoreButts Thu 26-May-11 19:21:55

"STOP PUNCHING THE TORTOISE"

Shouted to DS from the kitchen window.

deemented Thu 26-May-11 19:22:27

'No DS2, your sister does not want to see where your poo comes out'

'DD, please stand up and walk. No, you are not a puppy. No, don't lie on the floor, in the puddle. No, you are not a wet puppy.'

TrinityIsAShreddingFatRhino Thu 26-May-11 19:25:36

stop poking the dogs willy

its ok,dont cry, you dont have to have a lolly hmm

no thanks, I really dont want to look in your bum

<there really is alot of bum/willy/foof/poo ones aren't there lol>

ShuffleBallChange Thu 26-May-11 19:30:35

"Please don't feed bogeys to your brother, I know he's smiling, he is 5 months old he doesnt know what they are"

"Nanny does not want to see you doing THAT to your winky"

"Get down from there" said at least 5 times a day"

"We don't take our clothes off on the park"

"Get that out of your mouth"

dutchyoriginal Thu 26-May-11 19:46:56

Say hi to auntie on the phone. No, don't lick the phone. Hi Auntie! (DS 14 months)

Spidie Thu 26-May-11 19:50:33

Oh my word, these are fantastic. I was feeling a bit down, but have just cried real tears of laughter. Thank-you Ladies!

"Please don't draw on your baby sister's bum with that bingo dabber."
"Stop licking the toilet seat"
"Don't call each other Count Turdula"
"Can you stop putting your willy through the hole in the DVDs please?"

I had to try to explain to work why I couldn't speak for laughing earlier. Unfortunately I then had to explain why DS's book was in my knickers. Non-parents just don't seem to get that bit.

dawntigga Thu 26-May-11 20:03:09

MarkingHerPlaceToComeBackAndReadTiggaxx

these are brilliant!

I am amazed by how many times I have to say 'just because there is a hole you don't need to put your finger in it' but the one that always sticks in my memory is 'please don't put your hammer in your poo' (it was a toy hammer when I was trying to change DS's nappy).

Most days though its just various forms of 'yes thats what willys do', 'yes if you leave it alone, it will get smaller again', 'please stop trying to stand in your potty', and 'please stop eating your bogies/wiping your nose on my clothes'.

I never imagined motherhood to be quite so repetitive!!

bumpandisaacsmum Thu 26-May-11 20:04:49

Am loving this thread grin

Well done for going for a poo on the toilet...no I don't need to see...it may be huge but...blimey that is big, please flush it away before you block the toilet!!!

How did you manage to pee on your clothes (said to a nude 3wk old DS who's clothes were above his head!!)

Where is aunties phone...why is it in the toilet...but the phone doesn't need to be flushed away

I know that the dog will clean your pooey pants but I'd much rather you rinsed them & put them in the washing basket

I know girls get 2 boobies & boys only have 1 willy, yes life isn't fair

umf Thu 26-May-11 20:07:52

Yes, T, you have a lot of lovely teeth. But not as many as the pleisosaur.

"DON'T stand on the windowsill. One of these days the window might not be there and you will FALL OUT."

DD scared the crap out of me, massive thud from upstairs..... her DB had "taught" her the best way to turn off his TV was via the windowsill, to reach said TV, on top of wardrobe.

Nothing as simple as using the remote. hmm

MrsChemist Thu 26-May-11 20:09:53

DS 'a cake!'
Me 'no, it's not a cake, it's a poo.'
DS 'a poo cake!'

jaggythistle Thu 26-May-11 20:10:48

'Please stop blowing raspberries on my boob, just have some milk'

<even if you are very cute giggling to yourself>

LiegeAndLief Thu 26-May-11 20:12:34

We also have a "underpants as minimum" rule for meals.

Yes, Mummy has a special hole for babies to come out of. Well, it's sort of where your willy is. Yes, near where the poo comes out. No, I don't care if you don't understand exactly where it is, I am definitely not going to take my knickers off so you can look at it.

Haribojoe Thu 26-May-11 20:13:31

I can't think of any because I'm too busy crying with laughter!

cheethaz Thu 26-May-11 20:14:38

To the childminder:

"Younger brother has a little willy....(pause).. my daddy has a HUUUGGGE willy"

MrTumbleForPM Thu 26-May-11 20:15:12

"Mummy's bra is not the best place to store your half eaten biscuit 'til later......"

"Sweetheart, I don't think trying to put the spider up Daddy's nose while he's asleep is a good idea....."

DD: (shouts) "Daddy - did poo!!"
DH: "Lovely darling, go with Mummy so she can change your nappy while i
finish giving my sermon to all the lovely people here....."

SpeedyGonzalez Thu 26-May-11 20:18:10

"Bogey is not a moisturiser."

"Please take that fork out of your willy, it will hurt you."

"Please stop trying to see my wee; I am on the toilet."

hmmgrin

PDog Thu 26-May-11 20:28:48

These are hilarious, can't stop laughing grin

All to my 17mo DD:

"Take that tissue/paper/wipe/stone/hair slide out of your mouth"
"Mummy can't read to you while I'm having a poo"
"Don't poke me in eye please"
"Leave mummy's top alone - these people don't want to see my belly"
"Put mummy's shoes back please"
"Get your hand out of the toilet"
"Yes, that is a bit of grass/a leaf/a stone etc, leave it alone" - DD wants to stop and pick up everything she sees on the pavement

chubsasaurus Thu 26-May-11 20:36:23

This has made me want DCs. I always have wanted them in a couple of years but threads like this really take away the fear and make it sound incredibly fun

soverign21 Thu 26-May-11 20:39:22

Sooo funny, had tears of laughter running down my face so much DS1(8) thought i was just sobbing and i couldnt explain cause couldnt get my breath grin

Will be back later if when i think of some and have clamed down
In the meantime keep them coming grin

UniS Thu 26-May-11 20:40:09

LOL muchly,

DO not eat ANY more lettuce till you have eaten your chips.

Jayfer Thu 26-May-11 20:43:59

'Don't eat my shoe'
'Don't chew the radiator'
'Don't laugh at Mummy when she's naked'
'Where is your nose? No that is your willy'
'No, I don't think that man wants your half eaten soggy rice cake'
'Let go, let go, LET GO!!' said with increasing panic to 13mo DS who finds it hilarious to grab his nappy when its full and to throw it around.

CBear6 Thu 26-May-11 20:46:44

"You are not a dog, please get up off your hands and knees. And stop barking" - to DS (21mo) when walking on his reins.

"The dog can bark well enough on his own, you don't need to bark too!" - my parents' dog started barking at another dog while we were walking him and DS decided that it needed some back-up.

"DS ... DS!!! No! You need to take the bread out of the packet, you can't just chuck the whole bag in the pond ... <one new loaf later> ... you know that bread is for the ducks, right?" I think he ate more than they did.

"That lady did not want to give you a horsey ride, she was just tying her shoe and it was very naughty of you to jump on her back and make clip-clop noises".

"You can't eat that until Mama pays for it ... No, don't put it back on the shelf half-chewed".

"Please don't empty the tins cupboard into the bin and especially don't applaud yourself, it's not a good thing".

"There isn't a baby in Daddy's tummy".

onestepforward Thu 26-May-11 20:47:04

Not something I said but one of my favourite moments none the less... dd (2ish) put something from her finger in xdh's mouth whilst eating lunch... xdh - 'what was that darling?' dd - 'booger' grin

mummy2aisha Thu 26-May-11 21:02:30

you tube pepper pig loads of epsoids on there this thread is great so funny

blimey Thu 26-May-11 21:08:51

don't hit mummy with a cricket bat
don't bite mummy
don't poke mummy in the eye
let go of my nipple before you pull away

from battered mummy of enthusiastic 2 year old

NOmeansNO Thu 26-May-11 21:15:35

your skin is not paper, stop drawing on it.

said by dd"i have a peep peep in my fandangle".. me "no you dont".. ds "yes i do look.. a really tiny one where my pee comes out"... i had to think.. and agree there was a similarity.

while i am busy giving DD a rollicking the whole time she repeats "i love you mummy".. over. and over, and over. then she gets a rollocking for not being quiet while she gets a rollocking. then she gets put on the naughty step where she sings and happily swings her legs gleefully.

"dont lick snails"

"put the dog down before you drop it"

dont stick you fingers in wrapping paper rolls as monster live in them... and they bite"

"noooooo... if you look inside to see them you will go blind"

"JUST STOP TOUCHING THE WRAPPING PAPER ROLLS"

"its illegal to have a dog as we dont have a garden. ask your dad. he has a garden blush"

hippychick66 Thu 26-May-11 21:16:24

"Let's all keep our willies to ourselves!" About 5 minutes ago!

ps. yes I am female grin

ROFL @ "That lady did not want to give you a horsey ride, she was just tying her shoe and it was very naughty of you to jump on her back and make clip-clop noises".

CBear6 Thu 26-May-11 21:29:27

He does it to his cousin too, she's five months younger than him and about half his size. He waits for her to fall over (and isn't above giving her a helping shove), as soon as she's down he straddles her back and starts making clip-clop sounds complete with bouncing. Basically any unprotected back is a potential horsey.

My 2 year old dd "rode" her 7 month old cousin. He was ok. He's a little toughie. grin

whackamole Thu 26-May-11 21:43:10

Just remembered OH to DTS2 the other day:

'Get your finger out of your bumhole!'

LiliesandVeuve Thu 26-May-11 21:51:42

Get your head out of the toilet

Wurzelrubbish Thu 26-May-11 21:54:00

This evening to DS

"No you can't sleep with the Wiggles...because DD is sleeping with them tonight thats why." hmm

colditz Thu 26-May-11 21:55:40

"Please don't use your winky as a stylus for the Ds."
"please take your winky out of your sandwich. No it isn't another sausage, it's a winky and wee comes out of it."
"Stop having poo competitions, you horrible children. New house rule - everyone must flush after their own poo."

MovingAndScared Thu 26-May-11 21:57:07

my friend to her DS - don't climb in the tumble dryer
to MY DS - don't closes the door when someone is in there

"Stop pulling your brother's willie"

"Take your foot off your (baby) brother's head" shock

"No, poo does not come out of your willie"

"Yes, playing with your willie feels nice, but please only play with your own one" - recurring admonishment when DSs 1-4 are all in the bath together grin

Phatastic thread, thank you!

FourFish Thu 26-May-11 22:19:32

Pirate ho ha and fred are being very well behaved DD1 - can you sit nicely like them?

Ho ha and Fred are DD1s immaginary friends and this was said on a packed bus! Did get me a seat tho as people moved away from the mad woman

Mercedes519 Thu 26-May-11 22:19:50

Penguins don't like milk on their cheerios.

That was a long morning and it was only about 7am...

No I don't want to see your bumhole

No the garden isn't for weeing the toilet is

Put your winkie in your pants

Vern wants you to eat all your food, show him how you eat nicely (vern is a toy car)

stoppingat3 Thu 26-May-11 22:29:19

no your auntie does not have a baby in her tummy
no these are not pretty lines and they are your fault they are there.
no your itchy bit is not an acceptable show and tell (DD1 - 4)
what the hell is going on in here (DS1 - 12) after evening of "huh huh ahhh huh"
I don't care if it does hurt I will NOT kiss it better (DS2 after enlarging his boys bits)
No its a new toilet cleaner - red not green ...............
Daddy is nearly shorter than you but yes his wee wee is bigger than yours (giant DS1)
Do not sit on that cat - I don't care if it feels nice (DD1)
Put it away
Seriously it will fall off, look at mummy (said in desperation to DS's)
No Grandma does not want to see how big it gets!

am so so pleased I have boys in the family hmm

Liv77 Thu 26-May-11 22:32:30

"The cat does not need a haircut"

And said to 2yo DS trying to poke my nipples,
*Pleeease stop trying to press them, they are not buttons and they are not magic"
I have The Wiggles to thank for that one.

Lisatheonewhoeatsdrytoast Thu 26-May-11 22:38:27

"DS don't pull your willy"
"it's not a big jobby"
"don't eat your bogies"
"stop throwing things over the fence/out the window"
"you don't put pencils in the toilet"
"the dog doesn't want to eat your bogie"
"DS,no you don't sit on my head to pump" hmm

thats just from the last day!!!

lemonmousse Thu 26-May-11 22:38:36

"DON'T drop your lolly in your sister's sick bucket......NO! DON'T put it in your mou......ARGH"

Cue another child laid up with sickness bug.....

weebump Thu 26-May-11 22:44:52

"Bare bum OFF the table, thank you"

"Hands out of your bum"

Hmm, yes, mainly bum-related it would seem!

microserf Thu 26-May-11 22:46:10

things i thought i would never say:

"but mummy doesn't WANT you to look at mummy's poos....<5 mins of negotiation> OK, at least let mummy finish making poos before you look"

"stop licking your shoes! give them to mummy if you won't stop licking them!"

"OK, OK, mummy take the stickers off, mummy take the stickers off." i never thought my dd would find a box of pantyliners and think they were "stickers"...

bigscarymum Thu 26-May-11 22:50:46

"No darling, mummy does not have a beard in her bottom"

LO is only 2 so haven't really said anything like this yet but this is something I never thought I'd hear being said. My brothers kids are teenagers now and this was a memorable family visit when they were about 5 and 7 years old. *Names have been changed.

Dniece (shouting downstairs): "Grandma! Jamie's stuck his toothbrush up the end of his willy and now he's putting toothpaste on it!"

Dmother (shouting upstairs): "Jamie! Take your toothbrush out of your willy and brush your teeth properly!"

ensure Thu 26-May-11 23:18:34

Yes I did say you could have a chocolate button. Yes I did accidentally give you two buttons. I'm very sorry. I'll take those two away and give you a solitary button instead as promised. Two buttons was not what you were expecting, or indeed desiring, I can see.

UnsureRightNow Thu 26-May-11 23:37:14

'No, we don't put pennies in your foo foo they are very small and could get lost in side you'

''Take the 2p out out of your foo foo. We don't put ANYTHING in our foo foo'

'I don't care of your poo looks juicey you can't eat poo'

'I'm sure daddy doesn't eat poo'

UmYeahLikeTotally Thu 26-May-11 23:40:45

"Please please pleeeease don't call your teacher a bossypants again!"

"DON'T LICK THE BIN!!!!"

"Yes love, that poo poo certainly does look like an ice cream."

"No, you dont have an adam's apple on your leg. It's your ankle."

"Why on earth are you eating that?!!! It's FROZEN broccolli!!"

DD: 2.10

GraceK Thu 26-May-11 23:45:41

Don't hit people with the Baby Jesus (from her wooden nativity scene).

(Courtesy of a friend) "Please don't pick your nose in public. Everyone likes to pick their nose and play with their bits but we don't do either in public."

Yes that's definately a lady. No really. Can we discuss this later.

The baby comes out of my tummy down a stretchy tunnel.

We only say 'bloody' and 'completely buggered' at home dear. Some people don't like it.

Please put some knickers on. We all wear them - honestly we do.

Funniest thing I've read all week grin - thanks TheSkiingGardener

TheCatInTheHairnet Fri 27-May-11 00:30:59

No, of course you didn't kill that fish. It jumped out the lake on its own and stopped breathing.

The dogs are only trying to lick your butt because they can smell the meatballs you had for dinner. It would help if you would just put your pjs on.

Have a boyfriend other than your Father?!!! OF COURSE NOT!!!!

DontCallMePeanut Fri 27-May-11 02:26:07

"No, I'm not answering to Megamind anymore."

"Why is there shepherds pie in your juice?"

"How have you lost your socks at nursery?"

"Where did you poo?"

DontCallMePeanut Fri 27-May-11 02:41:16

Oh... Remembered a few more...

"Don't put it in the bin..."
Then, two minutes later
"NOOOO! You don't take it back out of the bin to eat it! You've got another one on your plate!"

"Why is there stew on the walls?"

(After finding DS had painted the walls with the contents of my make up bag)
"What's that?" DS..."Fireworks, Mummy. Pretty fireworks go BANG!"

"I cannot kiss your tongue better, sorry sweetheart"

"DS, why are my notes pink?"

littlemad I don't speak Otter and neither do you so just tell me what you want for breakfast in English please.

These are fabulous had to stop reading at work yesterday as there was almost an shameful incident I was laughing so much.

TrinityIsAShreddingFatRhino Fri 27-May-11 07:40:07

stops trying to wax your sister arm with sellotape

no, dont try and stick your toe up her bum

no you can eat it off the floor, just pour some more cereal
and
dont just walk through the spilt cereal

arrrrghhhhh

they were just this morning

MovingGal Fri 27-May-11 08:04:14

STOP SHOUTING!!!!

(yes, even as I shouted it I could see the hypocrisy)

MovingGal Fri 27-May-11 08:07:18

Those fancy ladies aren't ladies.

babybythesea Fri 27-May-11 08:10:10

Yes I do like ice cream. I just don't want your ice cream on my mashed potato. Yes, maybe later. (???? What did I think was going to change later?)

That man has got purple hair, you're right. No, I don't think it's because he's a monster. No, really, he's not... please don't scream, sshhhh, ok let's run away....

Let's only call them boobies at home, ok? When we're shopping and buying them, let's call them blueberries. Well, because that's what they are really called. (And people are looking at me in a funny way because you are yelling 'look Mummy, boobies' really really loudly.)

SkipToTheEnd Fri 27-May-11 08:12:38

grin best thread for ages!

'No ds, please stop licking that girls shoes' (said several times on one trip to the park)

'ohhh can mummy have that carving knife please...'

'because I said so.....'

'for the love of god ds, please stop putting my knickers out of the window'

'nope, it's not a snack, it's uncooked spaghetti'

'DO NOT hit your sister with the hammer...Put it down!!!'

'Don't eat his toes, stop STOP - I didn't mean they were REAL cheese'

'DD (10) please stop telling your friends that mummy uses a 'bucket thing' instead of tampons. It's called a mooncup and it's private!'

'No love, I don't think having more is a good idea, your tummies poorly....' - said to DS (2) who threw his cereal up into his bowl and promptly tried to re-eat it....

"Can you leave now, I have to wipe my bum?"

By then I'd given up asking for solitary pooing prvileges.

bluelle Fri 27-May-11 08:37:58

'please don't put your pants on the cat'
'no, i don't think daddy would like a poo sandwich'
'please don't tell the shop keeper that mummy is wearing pink knickers'

CBear6 Fri 27-May-11 08:49:15

"You're not the welcoming committee, please sit down", as DS shouted hiya at everyone entering the doctors waiting room as if they were his oldest, dearest, long-lost friend and attempted to hug them.

"Stop feeding porridge to your dinosaur ... because he doesn't like it ... because dinosaurs don't eat porridge, they eat meat ... take your fingers out of it's mouth, they'll get stuck ... told you so" - breakfast this morning, he's really into asking "why?" after every sentence.

"Snorting and waving it in my face isn't going to make me give you any money", he wanted pennies for his piggy bank so decided a pig impression and some rattling would persuade me to donate, DH did come through to check on us though when he heard me say it.

"Daddy is not at the 'beer bar', he's at work!"

I'm fighting a losing battle I think. Every day he learns to speak a little more so it's just going to get worse!

Magna Fri 27-May-11 08:57:52

Brilliant thread op grin

Most of the things I say to DSs have already been said anything to do with poo, willies and bogeys hmm

IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat Fri 27-May-11 09:04:29

If hitting yourself in the head with a monkey hurts, STOP DOING IT.

ScroobiousPip Fri 27-May-11 09:26:53

Still laughing at Quenelle's "Where did you leave your poo?" grin

"stop putting your finger up your willy"

"no, you can't have my red bra, I'm wearing it"

MrsJamin Fri 27-May-11 09:41:10

"Ow! I've told you before, stop biting my bottom!"

NeopreneMermaid Fri 27-May-11 09:59:57

"Was that handful of sand/soil/compost not very tasty?"

Another mummy called my SIL after their 7yos' playdate:
"I've just got my DD undressed for her bath; why does she have "buttocks" written on her backside in pen?"

WeirdAcronymNotKnown Fri 27-May-11 10:10:07

"Oh look DS, you've weed on the floor. Well done you. NO don't put your hand in it!!!"

Sariska Fri 27-May-11 10:24:57

"DD, take those stones out of your mouth."

"DD, that isn't a stone, it's rabbit poo. Put it down!"

"What do you mean you put your new shoes under the pushchair, DS? But there's only one there now...."

blackeyedsusan Fri 27-May-11 11:20:50

just now, to ds, stop standing in my pants!

they aare a useful stepping stone to climb up mummy, but those sharp toenails on ones bottom.... ouch

HeidiKat Fri 27-May-11 11:35:25

I am howling with laughter at the toothbrush in willy one, this thread is even funnier than the tantrums one. grin

Firkytoodle Fri 27-May-11 11:38:47

"why are all your clean pants in the toilet?"

"you are not a lion, please stop roaring at grandma"

"Don't put your finger up Daddy's bottom when he is weeing, please"

"DD is sad that you have done your wee wee in her hair"

"Please don't drag your brother downstairs by his leg, he may be giggling but its not a good idea"

"No, thanks, I'm so full I don't think I could manage another piece of slightly soggy ricecake"

pookamoo Fri 27-May-11 11:44:29

It's ok for hedgehogs not to wear knickers...

deemented Fri 27-May-11 12:14:27

How could i forget this corker...?

'DS2, please put my toothbrush down. No, you can't use it to clean the toilet. What do you mean it's what you always use?????'

Bast Fri 27-May-11 12:15:03

Unstick your tongues from the trampoline, RIGHT NOW! (Eldest two, Midwinter.)

My most used has to be 'stop starting!' ...it works for most things.

She isn't purring, she's growling.

The dustbin is NOT a good place to hide your little sister during hide and seek.

If you want to know how an insect tastes, don't feed it to your little brother to find out. Please.

The Tate Modern would probably appreciate your mural. I don't. And it stinks.
(The youngest two when toddlers.)

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers Fri 27-May-11 12:16:34

My mommy said not to put beans in my ears
Beans in my ears, beans in my ears
My mommy said not to put beans in my ears
Beans in my ears

Now why would I want to put beans in my ears
Beans in my ears, beans in my ears
Now why would I want to put beans in my ears
Beans in my ears

You can't hear the teacher with beans in your ears,
Beans in your ears, beans in your ears
You can't hear the teacher with beans in your ears,
Beans in your ears

What's that you say, let's put beans in our ears
Beans in our ears, beans in our ears
What's that you say, let's put beans in our ears
Beans in our ears

You'll have to speak up I got beans in my ears
Beans in my ears, beans in my ears
You'll have to speak up I got beans in my ears
Beans in my ears

Say mommy we've gone and put beans in our ears
Beans in our ears, beans in our ears
Say mommy we've gone and put beans in our ears
Beans in our ears

That's nice boys just don't put those beans in your ears
Beans in our ears, beans in our ears
That's nice boys just don't put those beans in your ears
Beans in your ears

I think that all grown ups have beans in their ears
Beans in their ears, beans in their ears
I think that all grown ups have beans in their ears
Beans in their ears

I am crying at all of these! I wish I could think of one to add.... I'm sure one will come to me soon.

But I have to say, all these willy-related comments are making me quite glad I have 2 girls!

sherbetpips Fri 27-May-11 12:25:13

**Who has been making tripwires from wool and safety pins?
Please stop posting my CDs out of the letterbox.**
sooo funny and sooo glad DS never went through that phase! These are all so good I can't think of a remotely funny thing that DS has said now!

trice Fri 27-May-11 12:37:40

"Why have you coloured your willy in green?"
"yes, it does look like a snake"

reastie Fri 27-May-11 13:12:04

'they're out dogging'

said by my granny regularly about my aunt and uncle who do dog agility every week end. I think she honestly has no idea what she's saying shock wink grin and I have to hold back the giggles whenever she says it

Alikersh Fri 27-May-11 13:27:05

Yes you will have boobs when you're a lady. No you can't look at mine to see what they will look like (said by 5yo DD on the train).

I will tell you what a vagina is when we get home. Please keep your voice down, other people don't want to hear you. (said by then 8yo DS walking though the very busy local park...)

supermumreginaanimumnonrapiet Fri 27-May-11 13:37:42

stop praying

ReindeerBollocks Fri 27-May-11 13:42:20

"DD stop bouncing on DS's head"

"no we don't eat caterpillars on toast. Why? Because they don't taste nice"

"Mummy does not have boy bits. Now stop telling your friends that I do"

"DS there are no aliens in the wall, you are not Dr Who, we are not using the tarsus, now just put your bloody clothes on". Said every morning at 8am.

Have to say there was a rumour whilst I was in high school that I was a test tube baby from Sweden hmm. My mum was mightily unimpressed when her colleague tried to broach the issue of my mums fertility problems....

theressomethingaboutmarie Fri 27-May-11 13:47:56

No, you cannot look at my poo.

DD pleads to have a sneaky peak at the contents of the loo every time I'm using it.

theressomethingaboutmarie Fri 27-May-11 13:54:24

DD enquiring as to what my mooncup was when she couldn't bear to give me 2 mins peace to wee and sort myself out.

"It's for mummies to use".

"Do I put it up my bum? No, well...yes (sigh), yes, I put it up my bum"

Giving her a fuller explanation would have been worse I think.

For goodness sake why did you post an entire loaf of bread out the catflap?

Well it's nice to feed the birds but now how am I going to make the packed lunches. hmm

CBear6 Fri 27-May-11 14:01:08

TSAM, that made me snort with laughter! I remember one of my brothers getting his first sex education lesson, he came home and told me "girls are disgusting, you bleed every month and have to put white sticks up your bum to make it stop".

DS has been very well-behaved today but my mum had to tell my 10yo brother "No I don't have wet dreams ... Well yes, I do get periods or you wouldn't be here ... No, I don't think you'll get a period ... Can you just be quiet now?"

SindyTellsMe Fri 27-May-11 14:05:04

These are brilliant. The two that stick in my mind are:

"QUICK hold my boob up" (said to DH after my first c-section when I was trying to sit up during an early breastfeed - needed about 5 hands for that job and I thought DD was getting suffocated - DH and I were clueless bless us)

and very angrily - "Don't you ever, ever, EVER throw Goofy at the steering wheel again!" (was lucky to survive that crossroads I tell you)

Abcinthia Fri 27-May-11 14:42:51

"Get Ariel out the butter"

"No I don't want to show the bin men my nipples". (DD has recently learnt what nipples are and likes to ask me if I'm going to show random people them)

CheerMum Fri 27-May-11 14:43:53

please don't aim your trump at me, aim it at your father

yes, i'm sure it WAS funny when you sat on daddy's face and trumped

yes of course you can marry the dog

DontCallMePeanut Fri 27-May-11 14:54:28

No, my arm is NOT a seesaw!

ProfYaffle Fri 27-May-11 14:55:25

We get lots of chicken related ones too. Latest was "actually dd, I don't think chickens need coats"

DiscretionGuaranteed Fri 27-May-11 15:19:06

"No, Princess Leia is friends with the Ewoks - she doesn't want to shoot them with her gun"

<through gritted teeth>"Yes, Jar Jar is very funny, isn't he"

from DD's Star Wars phase

"No darling, because it would be <calculates rapidly> 100 metres tall, and you don't have that much Lego, and it wouldn't fit in your bedroom" - too many different proposed scale models to mention.

"No the cats don't want to go with us to the park/Zoo/Science Museum/cinema/beach. Yes the park/zoo/Science Museum/cinema/beach is lots of fun, but they're happier at home; cats are funny like that."thos

"DON'T OPEN THE DOOR! Those people don't want to see me doing a poo"

When I'm queen, all public toilet doors will have to have an extra bolt at the very top, for mothers to use when they're in there with their toddlers.

linzk425 Fri 27-May-11 16:07:33

I'm sorry your biscuit is broken, but I can't mend it. It'll taste just as good.

No, I don't have a willy. No, you can't see where my wee comes from.

Yes, I use a cup when I have my period. No, you can't watch me put it in.

You're seven, you don't have to choose who you're going to marry just yet.

I'm glad you enjoyed learning about how babies are made, but no, you can't watch Mummy and Daddy having sex. It's a private thing for grown-ups.

MrsDrOwenHunt Fri 27-May-11 18:10:53

the pirate eye patch is not a posing pouch!
i just wanna have a wee on my own
what is this? the spanish inquisition?
leave the bloody door alone, u r not a bloody doorman
no they are not mummys nappies!

notcitrus Fri 27-May-11 18:36:14

No, we're not going to the doctor.
No, we're not going see the doctor.
No, you can't go to the doctor because it's time for us to go home and all the doctors have gone home.
No, you can't go to the doctor's when there's no doctors there.
No, we can't go to the doctor's tomorrow. You only go to the doctor when you're sick or need medicine.
...
Yes, OK, I was wrong and we are going to the doctors. Did you get chicken pox on purpose???

happymole Fri 27-May-11 18:38:49

Please stop licking your hand and then cleaning the wall with it.

No darling, I'm relatively confident that a crocodile didn't just bite you.

FREEZE! Give the scissors to Mummy. Daddy doesn't like being chased around with you brandishing them and screaming. It scares him.

She's not a horsey, she a dog. Please stop riding her.

DD! Don't put the puppy in the toy box and put all your toys on top of him! He doesn't enjoy it. (Puppy is now thankfully too big for carrying so is safe).

Fabulous thread grin

Yes, it's still there and yes it still hurts if you do that.

aStarInStrangeways Fri 27-May-11 19:45:33

Daddy is not playdough.

clairefromsteps Fri 27-May-11 19:56:43

No darling, that's not a winkle at the back of my throat, it's called a uvula.

No darling, those aren't winkles on the moo-cow, those are udders.

That's right, darling, I don't have a winkle, do I?

Yes, daddy HAS got a winkle, hasn't he?

sjm123 Fri 27-May-11 19:58:55

New one today. "No dd, I do not want to see the bruise on your bum". She's nearly 11.

No that lady hasn't got a baby in her tummy blush

shivster1980 Fri 27-May-11 20:30:07

Take your foot out of your mouth - stop chewing your toenails!

Think our DS does yoga - he's so bendy!

Nosleeptillgodknowswhen Fri 27-May-11 20:44:16

Have been crying with laughter and unable to speak when trying to tell some of these to DH!

Only one i can think of was overheard last week from next door toilet cubicle at mum and toddler group:
"wait, wait, wait"
"yes you have done a wee but it was a little early..."

jbcbj Fri 27-May-11 21:03:59

"dd, can we stop kissing the penguins, please?"

while watching happy feet....

onebigchocolatemess Fri 27-May-11 21:42:14

ME: 'Who put iggle piggle in the dishwasher?'

DS1 PLEASE take iggle piggle out of the dishwasher cutley basket, OK he CAN have a bath tonight with you, OK yes he a bit dirty after playing with Upsy Daisy hmm yes now go BATHTIME!

FellatioNelson Fri 27-May-11 22:00:59

Who put a potato in the washing machine?

FellatioNelson Fri 27-May-11 22:02:08

Oh how funny - I posted without reading anything and now I see there is a washing machine/dishwasher with innapropriate contents theme! grin

LiegeAndLief Fri 27-May-11 22:19:07

Within 5 minutes at bedtime tonight:

No, ds, I would not like a tongue kiss.

Dd, please stop that, I have dribble running down my cleavage.

I got two more today.....oh dear
'no, you can't touch other people's nipples'
'please don't put your train in the cat's bum'

thegingerone Fri 27-May-11 22:52:07

No, we REALLY can't call your new sister CHewbacca!

JoInScotland Sat 28-May-11 00:21:55

"You need to ask before you grab someone's skirt sweetheart". While in the library, DS (just 16 months) spotted a girl in a pink skirt - he loves pink - and headed over to give it a good tug....

Coralanne Sat 28-May-11 02:10:29

"Yes you can sit in in the trolley while we do the groceries but you can't tickle Grandma's boobies as we walk along the aisles."

SkipToTheEnd Sat 28-May-11 08:28:58

When my dd was 3 - 'no, that isn't a little boy with an old mans head, he's a dwarf some people are just like that..... yes that's right sweetheart, he didn't eat his vegetables so he didn't grow up big and strong...'

'That's NOT apple juice. Put the pot down Now!!!'

'it isn't a legoman swimming pool, it's the toilet - NO don't flush!!'

'You cannot post your chocolate buttons in Nannys fire and catch the melty chocolate at the bottom'

'I am pretty certain he wouldn't want to come and have your bath tonight so we won't ask him no' (DD wanted to invite old smelly man on the bus for a bath)

lilmissmummy Sat 28-May-11 11:03:48

'Thats right you cant have sex with your brother' after sex ed at school discussed very loudly in Tesco.

'People prefer to be known as lady and man not willy and no willy... please dont point at strangers privates!'

'your nose is not a pea shooter'

'get the duck out of the house' (we have real ducks)

'get the dog out of your bath' the Jack Russell likes to have a bath with the eldest child and will jump in if invited which the children think is the best thing ever.

Great thread!!!

TrinityIsAShreddingFatRhino Sat 28-May-11 11:18:15

well I 'found' an audi tt in the tesco carpark, that doesn't mean its mine

<takes purse off them that they have been arguing over>

'I 'fooooound' it so its mine!!!!!'

arrrrggghhh

kennythekangaroo Sat 28-May-11 11:47:16

"Hair is not a handle."

"Mummy's nose is tired now. Doesn't go honk any more."

That was a mistake to even start.

WeirdAcronymNotKnown Sat 28-May-11 12:31:59

Both said to 22mo in the space of an hour this morning:

"DS, why are you licking Daddy's football shirt?"

"Stop licking the sofa!!!"

Trinaluce Sat 28-May-11 14:43:32

"Well of COURSE the dog's eating Jesus, you kept hitting him with it"

"Yes I thought so. Your mouth is green. And this paper is now considerably less green."

Said by SiL to DNephew "Yes, Grandma's in that box, she's sleeping. Don't make too much noise please, we don't want to wake her up now." sad and yet at the time (during the funeral) it was just enough to take the tension off and cause me to have to fight back the giggles. Anyone else familiar with The Giggle Loop?

DD2, why are you hugging a pickle?

spamm Sat 28-May-11 14:54:07

"Please stop presenting your poo, with a "Tadaaaa" - I do not need to see your poo!" - said to DS who has started "unveiling" his poo by lifting the toilet seat when I walk into the bathroom.

spamm Sat 28-May-11 15:09:26

Another one I loved: " No, you cannot change your name to Aaron Stone. Yes, I am sorry we called you Daniel, but we thought it was a nice name."

WeirdAcronymNotKnown Sat 28-May-11 15:17:38

spamm - DS does that with his willy hmm

he's mastered getting himself butt naked, steps out of his nappy, throws his arms up in the air and shouts "TADAAAAAAAA!"

spamm Sat 28-May-11 15:43:21

Weird - I did spell the acronym out, but had to revert to Weird grin.

There are days where a willy and a tadaaa would make me smile, but not every day!, But pooo...

I never knew having a child would be so much fun, but so strange as well.

WeirdAcronymNotKnown Sat 28-May-11 15:55:06

Children are unfathomably amusing, yes. Apart from the poo/wee/vomit related stuff.

emjay74 Sat 28-May-11 16:27:05

'Please stop drawing on the walls/floors/tv/your baby sister'

'cats are supposed to have long whiskers - please do not trim them again' shock

'the dog does not need a round of applause EVERY time she has a wee in the garden'

'no the cats do not have dry skin - please do not cover them in baby lotion/sudocrem/vaseline again'

'please leave my and your big sister's make up alone'

'lets wait and see if you grow boobies, turn into a girl and need a bra like mummy when you grow up'

Plus 'please take you hands out your pants/finger out your nose' said at least 15 times a day!

A small selection said to DS aged 3.5! smile

CBear6 Sat 28-May-11 16:39:36

"How did he manage to just roll into the lake!? He was standing up and had reins on!?"

"Put these pants in. Do you want everyone in the shop to see your diddle?" ("Yeah .... ")

"Daddy is not drunk, he's brushing his teeth".

"Don't put half-chewed food in Mama's pocket!"

MrsDrOwenHunt Sat 28-May-11 19:50:19

i am eating poo!! when asked for the billionth time what i am eating!

tori2000 Sat 28-May-11 20:30:05

Darling it is "Nock Tock" not "C*ck" please stop shouting that in the supermarket!

ShuffleBallChange Sat 28-May-11 20:40:40

ha ha the gingerone, DS1 wanted to call DS2 'Plonker', too much Only Fools and Horses I think grin

CrapBag Sat 28-May-11 20:50:23

"DS please don't kiss my bum"

"No boogers are not yummy, dinner or supper DS, please stop eating them"

"I don't want to see your poo shaped like a snake or any other animal"

CrapBag Sat 28-May-11 20:51:41

"That boy is not called Lemon"

UniS Sat 28-May-11 20:58:38

Its not a batenburg sausage, its a battered sausage. Yes the wrapped up one BUT it's not marzipan.

"Yes, I see the pigeons in the road. You're calling them <what>? Tweet and Twat? Well, er, how nice."

"Have you been drawing on your brother with marker again?"

"Did you put Igglepiggle's blanket in the video, DS?" Now defunct.

"This bass speaker has a Matchbox Beetle, the heart shape from the shape sorter, an ancient biscuit and a bit of a sponge in it. Did you post these in?"

CrapBag Sat 28-May-11 21:12:10

"Don't lick daddy's shoes, they have been outside"

"No you cannot drill your sister or saw off her head or limbs"

Sleepingonthebus Sat 28-May-11 21:17:31

"How on earth did you manage to sleep with the umbrella under your pillow?"

"Stop drawing stars on your sister's neck"

lovec2t Sat 28-May-11 21:21:55

hahaha these are all brilliant!
i have said on more than one occasion ' please dont lick the washing machine' and 'cars dont belong on the sofa'- obviously being a toy car grin

lovec2t Sat 28-May-11 21:22:40

LOL to CrapBag..loving the talkname too...friends fan? grin

CrapBag Sat 28-May-11 21:27:53

Yep lovec2t grin

What is it with funny shaped poo, poo in general, willies, licking and embarrassing mummy in the toilet or lifting up top etc. Loads of common themes here and I have been in tears!

MrsSchadenfreude Sat 28-May-11 21:31:55

You've got a present for me? How lovely! What is it? Oh. It's your verruca that you've just picked off? <boak>

oreocrumbs Sat 28-May-11 22:18:55

Don't bite the dog, you wouldn't like it if he bit you.
Don't lick the dog, he isn't allowed to lick you.
Stop tickling the dog's feet - I know he is wriggling, he is trying to escape not having fun.
Get your head out of the dog's bowl, he will think your head is dinner and eat you!
All said daily, all taken no notice of. Poor hound!

aStarInStrangeways Sat 28-May-11 22:36:04

Oh god the licking...has reminded me of this public transport gem:

'For the last time DS, stop licking that lady's bike wheels!'

"rabbits don't eat sweets"

"rabbits can't bounce on trampolines"

"rabbits don't need hats"

"please stop trying to shove a pen up my lady bits!" ( ds came in the bathroom just as I was inserting a tampon!) luckily I had trousers on when he tried this!

"where are my keys, where are my keys?! Now where's the strangest place ds could have put them? Ahhhh yes there they are in the tumble dryer!"

FellatioNelson Sun 29-May-11 07:33:42

Haha, that reminds me of my sister when she used to dress up our poor cat in doll's clothes and make her lay in the toy pram and wheel her round the streets. grin

(children were allowed on the streets in my day.)

ProfYaffle Sun 29-May-11 07:42:38

Oh Oli, yesterday we had "Ducks don't eat Skittles!" grin

JustinCaseyHowles Sun 29-May-11 08:02:47

'Please don't scratch my face with your toenails'

'Don't eat Cheerios off the floor'

'Your little brother's legs don't bend that way!'

'No, we can't have cake sandwiches for breakfast even if it IS your pretend birthday!'

This thread has made me cry with laughter!

Please stop having wee fights with your brother in the shower, you're 14.

Yes your poo does look like sandals, let's see if we can get it off your feet and down the loo.

I know 'baby dolly hat come off' but it's 4am and I've already put it back on him twice tonight.

scarecrow22 Sun 29-May-11 08:11:54

To my nephews, before I even got to be a mum:
"because I'm a grown-up and I said so"
"because God made it that way"
"could Old Macdonald have something on his farm other than ladders and curtains?"

Somehow I was deemed fit enough to have own DC, since when:
"you have been fed, you have a clean nappy and the full attention of both your parents; I think the children in the Sahel belt of Africa would say you have NOTHING to complain about"
"this may come as something of a surprise to you but I don't think it's much fun changing pooey nappies at 4 in the morning either"
"it's only a little bit of poo, nobody will notice"
"whatever you do, don't tell daddy I did that"
"you can shout for social services but I don't think they will consider you a priority case"
"no you can't wean on coffee"

And poor mite is only 5mo. Much more to look forward to apparently...

OP should def do a Christmas book from these; fantastic thread.

archfiend Sun 29-May-11 08:47:54

'no sweetie I don't think you will get a mermaid tail when you're older....oh don't cry...'

'I know grandad said you shouldn't put anything smaller than your elbow up your nose but please stop trying to put your elbow up there'

'no, I don't think keeping that nit as pet is a good idea, yes I know it's very small and could live on your pillow but I'm still not letting you'

'yes, I'm sure it would be very interesting to see a real live skeleton but I still don't think your uncle is going to let you dig up his dog...'
confused

CrapBag Sun 29-May-11 13:50:49

How do we nominate this for MN classics? I still have tears in my eyes and I am actually looking forward to more unusual things that I am going to have to say as my DCs get older. grin

Please don't put your rice cake down my cleavage

meliesmummy Sun 29-May-11 15:19:44

No! Don't wipe your face with that tissue! You just used it to wipe your bum!

No dd, don't open that door, mummy hasn't finished and the ladies outside don't want to see me weeing! (why do they all do that?!)

No dd, I don't need to put 'that cup thing' up my bitty today.

No dd, I didn't hurt you, I'm no where near you, but I will remind you again that if you run around in circles flailing your arms about you will run into things!

And now she's 3 I surprise myself with how regularly I still have to say 'get that out of your mouth!'

TheFlyingOnion Sun 29-May-11 15:24:41

classics! grin

AlfieandAnnieRose Sun 29-May-11 15:25:50

Yay so glad this thread has made classics grin. I nominated for it!

MrsKwazii Sun 29-May-11 15:27:07

No darling, Mr Mumford has mucked it up this time. You must have misheard him <avoids that track in future>

It isn't nice to announce 'I'm squeezing one out' at Nanny's dinner table

Please could you be quiet (said to soft toy who is 'singing')

MrsKwazii Sun 29-May-11 15:28:45

Don't draw gloves on your hands with felt-tip!

FellatioNelson Sun 29-May-11 15:34:08

Please don't pick up the guinea pig by his fur. You hear that loud squealing? Well that is him saying he doesn't like it.

CarryOnUpTheAIBU Sun 29-May-11 16:07:15

Ah it's in classics at last grin

Today I said to my DCs "please don't climb through the window yet, I haven't finished sellotaping it"

virginiasmonalogue Sun 29-May-11 16:12:57

"Why is the dog green?" (DD2 magic markerd our jack Russell)

"who put the kitten in the toilet?" (Same dd thought the new kitten needed a bath)

"Why did you tell Granny that daddy had ginormous testicles?"

"Stop flashing at the waiter"

Oooooh, it's in classics.

blush

grin

LifeIsButtercream Sun 29-May-11 17:26:07

"No, we can't watch CBeebies now, we're in the bank, and thats a cash machine, not a TV"

"I can't conjure slugs out of thin air!"

"He's not a lion, he's a man (with admittedly rather mane-like hair), please stop roaring at him"

"It's not a snail, it's your boy dolls willy, stop trying to pull it off"

TeaOneSugar Sun 29-May-11 17:33:59

"Because a long time ago someone decided to call it a snail/dog/car......"

typsical Sun 29-May-11 18:16:11

This morning...

"Do it with your fingers, not your willy !" (using the Ipod Touch)

"No thank you, I don't want to smell your fingers after they've been up your bottom!"

And just now at bath time...

DS: "Look Mummy, I've got a small willy, and Daddy's got a big willy. Have you got a willy?"

Me: "No, ladies and girls don't have willies, do they?"

DS: "Erm, noooo" (thinking face)

DH: "What do ladies and girls have DS?"

DS: "Erm.... DINOSAURS!" (laughs out loud)

scarecrow22 Sun 29-May-11 18:55:18

"can you take her, I'm posting something on Mumsnet"

"No, you can't bounce naked on the trampoline to see if your willy will flap up and down, DS3" aged 3 grin - said today <sigh>

"Just because DS4 will put marbles into his nappy does NOT mean you have to keep giving him more, DS2" aged 14 months and 7 years - also today <<double sigh>>

AttillaTheMum Sun 29-May-11 19:20:12

Todat in the bath with DD.
'please don't try and tough mummy's noonie' hmm

AttillaTheMum Sun 29-May-11 19:26:15

today and touch

LaraMi Sun 29-May-11 20:02:13

Said to my friend's two year old daughter yesterday (DH had given her his car keys to play with):-

"No, I don't think the dog would like it if you put the car keys up his bottom"

Please don't stand on the side of the trampoline and pee like it's a fire hose, that's NOT where we go hmm

"No DS, it's not a puddle to splash in, it's wee"

"No, don't splash your feet in it and then try to suck them!"

Said to 7mths DS who just grinned at me and carried on...

ShuffleBallChange Sun 29-May-11 20:21:17

Just remembered another: "You are NOT Doctor Who, you will NOT regenerate if you get run over, BE CAREFUL ON THE ROAD"

SecretNutellaFix Sun 29-May-11 20:33:07

me to my 7 month old nephew

"No, don't eat Auntie Nutty's shoe. It's still on her foot."

I'm sure there will be plenty more in the coming years.

singarainbow Sun 29-May-11 21:33:24

"Please dont fiddle with your vagina at the tea table"

DD stop wiping your nose on my hair ....
leave my boobs alone ...

shes 8 ffs

Actually my dd has no tact and is intent on getting me killed.

"is that the lady who served you who you said was really rude mummy"
to opposition football team supporters, large skin head looking men "loserrrssss"
"mummyyy theirs the man who you said you would shout at if he let his stupid dog poo on the drive again"
to man in english defence league hoody " booooooooooooooo"

leftangle Sun 29-May-11 22:13:03

Don't put daisies up your nose
Don't play with my hair with your feet
Mmm yummy cucumber/yohgurt/eggs (things that I hate to eat)

ScrotalPantomime Mon 30-May-11 08:13:42

"my flabby tummy is not an extra boob, DS, so please stop trying to latch on to it."

SindyTellsMe Mon 30-May-11 09:32:26

"Clock has got an L in it... Cllllllock..."

Said in every quiet waiting room, library, train station during my daughter's 2nd year while she pointed & shouted

"No, that man doesn't want you to try and speak African to him... Stop it now... No, it isn't being friendly... Yes he does look cross with Mummy... Let's go and swim at the other end, now..."

TrinityIsAShreddingFatRhino Mon 30-May-11 19:14:45

you really dont have to fight over feet, he has two you know

said to dd2 and gecko who were fighting over one of dps feet to give him a foot massage hmm

LiveLong Mon 30-May-11 19:19:29

There's a hippo on the floor of the bathroom. Poor hippo.

Are you brushing the robot's hair with your toothbrush? Won't he look smart?

"That is not a pirate, it is an elderly lady wearing a headscarf... Now let's play the quiet game"

jaggythistle Mon 30-May-11 20:57:39

scrotal my extra boob/ tummy is now a big joke and DS pretends to latch onto it and/or blows big raspberries at every feed.

my own fault for laughing the first time he mistook flab for boob.

"DD1, why are you wearing my shoes on your ears?"

This evening's gem.

This thread will probably go on forever!

oxeye Mon 30-May-11 21:07:23

I too have the latching-on-tummy-flab thing hmm

fave this week "no wings in gym" not me but the poor gym teacher at DSs school on mufti day!

oldraver Mon 30-May-11 21:33:32

No darling, that's not a winkle at the back of my throat, it's called a uvula.

Have had the exact conversation this weekend. They are going to go to school and get it wrong arn't they ?

'Don't lick the dropped icecream off your brother's toes'

'No, daddy's car does not need to be washed with sand' shock (thank goodness DH did not notice how close his beloved steed came to the sandblasted look grin)

Fond memories here of the flab latch, too, although the chin/tip of nose latch is funny as well...

ScrotalPantomime Tue 31-May-11 08:06:34

I actually used to deliberately get DS to latch onto my nose blush it was funny!

You know it's going to be a fun day when you've said "oh look DS, you've got bogey all over daddy's jumper which mummy is wearing - no, please don't put your hand in it..." before 8am hmm

ScrotalPantomime Tue 31-May-11 11:41:07

"no DD, it's 'tag, you're it' not 'tag yoghurt'" confused grin

stubbornstains Tue 31-May-11 12:39:12

(Upon attempting a lie in this morning):
Why are you solemnly presenting me with that raisin DS? Come to think of it, where did you get a raisin from? There are none lying around in this bedroom....Although....you did have some in your tea yesterday didn't you?
(Penny drops and I catapult frantically out of bed)

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers Wed 01-Jun-11 15:05:26

All to 6 yo ds in one evening:
Stop jumping up and down on the recorder.
Take the cucumber out of your nose. (Must remember to give them to ds in round slices, not 'dipping' slices...)
Stop chewing electrical cables

Sweetheart we can't buy people!

allhailtheaubergine Wed 01-Jun-11 18:08:14

"Darling, I PROMISE your skin definitely won't just suddenly drop off. Skin never does that. It's attached."

grin @ Tag, yoghurt!

Fuzzywood Wed 01-Jun-11 18:55:36

Just said to DD 2.10, "where exactly on the bed did you put your bogey? Oh on Daddy's side, that's ok then.
To same DD while she was brushing my hair, "yes mummy's hair does come out if you pull it that hard!"

fortyplus Wed 01-Jun-11 19:06:44

To ds: Please don't keep saying at school - 'Hey mum remember that time you lay on top of me and squashed my willy flat' - they will think I'm a child abuser...

I feel compelled to revive this:

"DS3, stop shooting at the neighbours!" shock - boys out in the garden with their stoopit Nerf guns...

I had another couple this weekend, while away with the kids.

'No, DD, don't stroke your ice cream'

and the following day

'No, DD, don't put DS's tiger in your ice cream'.

[there was quite a lot of ice cream at the weekend]

also - 'No, DD - please don't wee on next door neighbour's caravan'.

and then on tuesday, in a flat panic on cwmbran station surrounding by DS and his 5yr old friend shouting 'oi you stupid bugger', then being parroted by DD and her 2yr old friend 'no, boys. it's 'oi you stupid budgie''.

"DD the word is WEIRDO. It's very rude to call people a PAEDO"
"Well yes weirdo is quite rude too but not as bad as the other thing".

FoxyRevenger Thu 02-Jun-11 19:54:35

Stop. Eating. The. Bath.

No, that's not your Dada on the television, that's Frasier Crane. hmm