Thickos on TripAdvisor

(563 Posts)
bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 09:03:10

I usually check reviews about places on Trip Advisor before booking a holiday. I've been having a snoop round this morning for a holiday and went onto Trip Advisor to read the reviews and honestly, some of them look like they've been written by a bear mashing his paws into the keyboard and hitting "send"...

AIBU to disregard reviews by people who moan that "nobode understand ENGLISH" "no chips/salad just greek food" "wayter rude" or should I be giving them the same attention as the others?

ShirleyKnot Fri 18-Mar-11 09:05:33

Are you on a holiday thread cupcakes?are you?

<Stern look>

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 09:06:25

Come on holiday with me Shirl'.

I need someone to make me look better on the beach.

ShirleyKnot Fri 18-Mar-11 09:09:50

I owe for the kids dinner money at school. No can booky holiday.

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 09:10:17

This is one of my favourites;

"Having spent a week at jasmine beach i felt i just had to leave a report warning other holiday makers before travelling here!!!!! Firstly i definatley agree with other holiday makers leaving their findings this is definatley not for the english so be prepared to be treated like we are the foreigners!"

Erm, well, yes.

JessicaDrew Fri 18-Mar-11 09:13:59

we have been to one particular caribbean resort and i still follow reviews on Tripadviser. some people rate itas awful and others love it, i think it depends on expectations, the resort is only 3 star, quite large and built in 70s, but people go expecting Sandals and hate it!!! while those who just go open minded enjoy it
another strange thing is there are never many bad reviews on from the Canadians, and a lot go there??

lesley33 Fri 18-Mar-11 09:15:33

I find sometimes that some negative reviews make me want to go there.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 09:16:06

The absolute best are those by Americans. You will have 25 rave revies and then one right in the middle going on and on about how small the bathroom was or the waiter didn't lie down for them to wipe their shoes on, and it's ALWAYS an American.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 09:16:21

revies. Oh yes.

nethunsreject Fri 18-Mar-11 09:16:46


I thought Thickos was a Greek island.

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 09:17:01

I am going to do a revie of your post, Hully.


Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 09:17:08

It should be.

ShirleyKnot Fri 18-Mar-11 09:17:33


I've only ever written one bad review, and believe me I really went for it. I think I warned people not to fall over in the bathroom or they would be consumed by the rampant mould on the shower curtain.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 09:17:40

<hangs head. fights urge to go competitive thicko revie hunting>

GeneHuntsMistress Fri 18-Mar-11 09:18:13

The ones that crack me up are those dissing the hotel/resort DUE TO THE WEATHER I mean WTF?!

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 09:19:39

I love tripadvisor! Though my top travel tip is to buy the Rick Steves guide to wherever you are going and then studiously avoid ANYWHERE that he recommends grin Some tourists are like sheep!

MrsChemist Fri 18-Mar-11 09:19:54

Never been on TripAdvisor. Sounds like a larf, might have a look later grin

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 09:20:21

"We have just returned from 2 weeks at the Sunlight Gardens and i would never ever return never again even if i was payed to go for free"


MrsChemist Fri 18-Mar-11 09:22:13

Double negatives never don't make me LOL

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 09:22:38

The service of this hotel is extremely poor. We had to carry our luggage to one room and then to another room (which was far from the first room) due to the front-desk mistake. It was raining heavily at that time and they did not even provide umbrellas


JessicaDrew Fri 18-Mar-11 09:23:02

Sunlight gardens sounds like a chinese restaurant how come you stayed two weeks?
buffet grazing?

ShirleyKnot Fri 18-Mar-11 09:24:26

'They have very flexible price,its possible late check out for free,there are very humans'

This little gem was among many MANY bad reviews if a hotel in Budapest. Suspicious, moi?

cantspel Fri 18-Mar-11 09:25:30

Tripadvisor is a joke. I have had one review removed and it wasn't even that bad. I gave it 3 stars but made a few comments they clearly didn't like.
Also many of the really good reviews are made by the hotel themselves to bump up their ratings. Now i dismiss the 5 star and 1 star reviews and try to read the middle of the road ones only.

wordfactory Fri 18-Mar-11 09:25:52

Trip advisor is actually good if you use it as a barometer of what you don't want.

So any Americans saying a hotel was inconvenient = beautifully secluded.

Any brits saying no night life, too quiet = bliss

Also any mention of spring break revellers = run like fuck

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 09:27:06

I have found where I am staying this year

"There were f&#305;ghts when we stayed at the lemas. There was a mass brawl between the bar staff and k&#305;tchen staff on one occas&#305;on. On another a guest was thrown &#305;nto the pool by staff"

Sounds fucking fantastic.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 09:28:19

I want to go there. Is the code for "i" essentail when booking?

wordfactory Fri 18-Mar-11 09:29:01

Christ on a bike - stay at home.

squeakytoy Fri 18-Mar-11 09:29:35

I read one once, where the list of complaints was..

The receptionist didnt speak good English
There were no vegetables on the breakfast buffet
The carpets were the wrong colour
The walls were a bad shade of blue
The building was old (it was Rome!!!!!)
The city was too noisy (see above!)

cantspel Fri 18-Mar-11 09:29:58

The tripadvisor forums are the best laugh. People get really arsey if you say something bad about a hotel or area they like..

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 09:30:32

we have just returned,we booked a 3*aoa this hotel,breachs trade description act ,it would have trouble to scrape into 1*.the food is disgusting,cold, not cooked properly,no facilities at all,pool area filthy ,room deco and furniture,not good .no pubs or restaraunts in the area ,it is at the top of cardiac hill,

yummy Torremolinos

humphreythehamster Fri 18-Mar-11 09:31:25

Oh no I agree, some of the negative reviews made my mind up to book the holiday for this year. Whinging that there are no clubs or pubs, no Englsh food, complaining that there are no watersports as they might disturb the 'freaky looking stupid turtles' nesting on the beach etc etc. Booked immediately

ShirleyKnot Fri 18-Mar-11 09:31:33

"The staff were friendly enough but the food was very continental, lots of fish with bones and wierd looking dishes. The guests were 99.9% spanish"

Fucking Spanish food eating Spanish Spain bastards in Spain.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 09:32:22

'freaky looking stupid turtles'

beyond superb

EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog Fri 18-Mar-11 09:33:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 09:33:52

Bar area very small with most uncomfortable seating. I asked for a pint of beer and got one and a half small wine glasses of beer instead. When I complained I was told they would call cops.

That'll learn em.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 09:34:21

cockroaches are rarely a good thing.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 09:36:05

“spoilt by there own nationality”
Date of review: 24 Nov 2010
my husband and i visited friends in torremolinos and we stayed at the marina sur for 4 nights! on our arrival we were met by a lovely lady who appreciated us trying to speak some spanish, she was very helpful at all times as was the evening waiter who went out of his way to get us what we wanted for dinner as we were the only guests on our first night, however the morning waiter was not as freindly he couldnt even raise a smile! other staff on the reception were very nice too. the food was ok we did manage to eat most things although we did use the microwave to heat up the food as it was just warm. we enjoyed our stay until the last night when a group of spanish people arrived and on hearing us speaking english decided to make our last night hell! they banged on our romm door, shouted, and laughed at us and actually had us awake most of the night! we complained to reception but this just made things worse as they just laughed at us and did it all the more! next morning at breakfast i was shocked to see that they were not indeed teenagers but middle aged buisness men and women, they giggled at us, i did however let them know in my little knowlege of their language what we thought and i think i did embarrass a couple of them, so if any of you people are reading this or ondeed your husbands,wifes or partners, i hope they know what goes on on your little buisness trips!! bedroom hopping the works ! i do hope you dont get in trouble !!! like hell i do i hope you get in big trouble cause you deserv it all of you, you are a disgrace to your fellow country men and women who we do have a lot of respect for. we dont blame the hotel entirley but we do think they should have put them on a differant floor to s or send them too the swingers hotel down the rd.

More cunting Spanish in Spain.

tulpe Fri 18-Mar-11 09:36:22

I think "advice givers" are worse than hotel reviewers, tbh.

Have just been heavily patronised by two tossers on Lonely Planet forum who clearly assume (wrongly) that I haven't stepped foot out of the UK ever and that I must simply do exactly as they say or I may as well not bother hmm When I dared to challenge their attitude I was read the riot act about wasting the time of "experienced travellers" and berated for taking free advice but getting huffy for pointing out they were being a tad patronising.... FFS

coastgirl Fri 18-Mar-11 09:36:54

People always, but always, bitch about climbing hills or steps to get back from the beach. Which a) makes you wonder where they live that there are apparently no hills or steps anywhere and b) shows a deep ignorance of basic coastal geography. If the resort were all level with the beach, it'd be underwater, fuckknuckles.

ShirleyKnot Fri 18-Mar-11 09:38:21

"sam was brill with the entertainment even better when you join in ,and eddie was brillant singer wish i had bought he's cd it was'nt like this when i came in 2009 there was no sam and no eddie or entitanment and it was a bit boring. i hope it was not like this because the rock was closed and we had the rocks entitanment because they made are hoilday and gave the hotel fun and a bit of life were coming back in oct hope you still have entertainment there cause if not i don't think we will go back agin"

I am spent.

EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog Fri 18-Mar-11 09:38:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog Fri 18-Mar-11 09:39:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog Fri 18-Mar-11 09:40:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog Fri 18-Mar-11 09:42:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

<adds 'fuckknuckles' to swearing repertoire>

tiredemma Fri 18-Mar-11 09:47:28

These are the type of people that made me have homicidal thoughts when I worked overseas.

I was once threatened with 'Watchdog' hmm

Oblomov Fri 18-Mar-11 09:50:23

I have written 2. One was good, 1 was bad'ish.
The first everyhting was good. And then when i read other reviewers, they where writing stupid things like it was too far from ... the wild bits of ibiza. er, thats why we chose it you nonses !!
The other one, the room was good, pool fab. but service awful. because they were short staffed they would only give you 2 drinks or meals at a time, but we are a family of 4. after yiu have queded behing 40 other people. complained, they said they would move us to a self catering complex, ( but we had paid for all inclusive)in a weeks time, for our second week. had never been an all inclusive resort until the week before. Even my review, was not all bad.

Within a few words, you can tell from the review whether someone is unreasonable or not.

ShirleyKnot Fri 18-Mar-11 09:52:49

"we are not fussy eaters, and dont expect burger and chips when we go abroad,and will try almost any food from around the world, but really "beef nuts" and " fried toast with aubergines" what part of the world do they come from?????"

Beef nuts. <wipes tears>

C4ro Fri 18-Mar-11 09:59:28

Re: your "both continents" American comment. They mean North AND South America... and probably that they went to Cancun, Mexico for spring break once.

Unless it actually mentions cockroaches, most Americans find European hotels crap when they are in old slightly rickety buildings (small pokey rooms) or don't have air con everywhere.

The "authentic travellers" that take the lonely planet guides as the bible and think themselves so far above the rest of us mere tourists are Hee-larious though. In Egypt my sister and I met loads of them making their way down the Nile. All looking for spare heads to join their specific felucca trip, arranged with a driver at the only lonely planet cafe recommendation in the area- none of them prepared to join anyone elses due to their great connection with their felucca driver.

tulpe Fri 18-Mar-11 10:02:31

C4ro - oh yes, the "travellers" who are definitely not tourists or holidaymakers......hmm

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 10:02:36

Yep, they are wankers. I love them, I love to see them all anxiously following the same trail, looking for the same B&B and feeling safe when they find it. Sweet.

EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog Fri 18-Mar-11 10:02:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents Fri 18-Mar-11 10:02:49

This thread just made me snort granola out of my noise, so while it was funny it was also rather painful and I'm not sure I will return. Also, many steps were required to reach the summit of the thread.

2 stars.

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 10:03:34

"just returned from this hotel with a word of warning the food is all turkish no concesions are made for those of us who do not like spice or mushy food my wife ate nothing for a week eccept breakfast cereal that said i agree that this is agood hotel with the nicest staff i have ever met don,t have room 586 its full of ants"

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 10:04:25

Porto - marvellous.

domesticslattern Fri 18-Mar-11 10:05:23

My fave is the Americans who complain that Italy has a hill, is hot in summer and does not have sufficient top loading washing machines. I booked into that particular hotel in Rome pronto.

Always ignore tripadvisor reviews where it is their only review. Always.

Beef nuts, WTF.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 10:07:11

on one night a woman called me at 12:30 am and in broken English was attempting to say something to me which half awake first sounded like police and accident or something eventually I managed to make out leslie and call her or something which I know no leslie ... but it took me an hour to get back to sleep

Well it would, wouldn't it?

Beef nuts has me geneuinely perplexed. It's either bovine testicles or actual nuts rolled in oxo. Neither sounds appetising.

BarbaraBar Fri 18-Mar-11 10:07:32

Surely his wife could have eaten the ants if she was that hungry?

So much more nutritious than breakfast cereal and she wouldn't even have to leave the room.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 10:08:28

“Prostitute Hotel Be Warned&#8206;, Filthy, disgusting, unacceptable”

Translation: she robbed me and I didn't get my anal probing.

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 10:10:32

"there is no air conditioning at the hotel's lobby ,dinning area,bar there are people sleeping at the lobby area laying threre on the coches with out socks just nasty."

Pootles2010 Fri 18-Mar-11 10:10:41

Before going to Four Season in Vegas (Work trip, i could never afford it myself), I checked trip advisor - one american guy whinged that when he came into hotel at 4 am the receptionist wouldn't let him take the flower arrangement to give his gf hmm

Others were complaining about the thread count of the sheets... honestly I've never been in such an amazing place, made me a bit sad I'd never be able to afford to go with dp & ds!

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 10:11:54

there are very humans and nices recepcionists,particularly Róbert,he is very nice to everyone,and any request quickly perform

Shirl! How could you leave out Robert?

LtEveDallas Fri 18-Mar-11 10:30:08

A review from a First Choice Holiday Village:

"The lead from the playstation 3 to the electric sockets was laying across the bed where our 4 year old daughter had to sleep. This was the only way you could plug it in" (umm, so dont plug it in when she is asleep)

"There were flies every day and night in the restraunts" (oh the horror, flies in a hot country shock)

"It took 2 days for the hotel to replace our tv/dvd player as faulty and did not work at all" (two whole days with out a TV - nightmare!)

"location of hotel a 20 min walk from nearest shops/chemist (20 minutes? Is that too far, really?)

"If you don't have kids - do not go here! I learnt my lesson on that one and will now only ever be going to an adult only place. Kids were running riot EVERYWHERE 24/7" (it's a Holiday Village, of course there are kids, and I thought you had a 4 yr old confused?)

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 10:37:48

"So this is by far the worst hotel EVER! First i had to walk to the front clerk while looking at a discusting hole in the wall. poorest quality their is mold on the walls, holes, scraping paint and wallpaper. after getting my room number, and started walking to my with my two kidsand wife, note that my kids were both 6 at the time. with a suprise at the door, there was a prostitute. a prostitute who called herself dillie? saying she was waiting for her man she called hustler? i was horrified having the thought of my children having to look at a half naked prostitute infront of me. i felt like a falure father. the prostitute wouldent stop fighting for the room eventhough it was ours, until we had to call the police to get her out....HORRIBLE PLACE TO STAY NEVER AGAIN DAMMIT. by the way there wer maggets and ants in my room. Lets just say that if I had to stay at this "hotel" or die................I would rather die."

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 10:40:20

her man she called hustler


bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 10:41:22

I like "i felt like falure father"

Heh heh grin

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 10:42:55

the prostitute wouldent stop fighting for the room

damn that prostitute dillie

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 10:43:45

I heard your real name is dillie, Hully...


Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 10:44:55

<puts up her dukes and waits for her man hustler>

Reality Fri 18-Mar-11 10:45:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NunOnTheRun Fri 18-Mar-11 10:46:02

if your a pensioner and can speak german you could tolerate it but the hotel is awful sockets hanging off the wall towel rail also hanging off the patio door didnt lock a crack in tha main door entrance floor tiles cracked and bits missing from them. the food was never hot sometimes even cold glad never went all in as what you had for tea would be following days dinner the staff werent very helpful at all. no entertainment apart from sats dont be fooled by the photos of this hotel they are afout 20 yrs out of date basically avoid this hotel personally i wont be going back to that side of the island

<and breathe>
Holiday Watchdog site: Majorca

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 10:46:29

These are not suites they are rooms to let, the furniture is from ikea most of it, the continental breakfast they write is all wrong with pre-packaged croissant, orange juice - condensed, only the yoghurt was fine, even the coffee was questinthable. The walls of the room were dirty

Really want some of that coffee

LtEveDallas Fri 18-Mar-11 10:47:31

This is a piss take, no?

"absolutoly adored the beans there!! they tasted so nice with the ham and spinache!! i recommend trying them averyday!! and i even lost 19 IBS - which is so thrilling i will be returning next year to try the beans again and maybe the spaghetti"

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 10:52:30

Oh God I have to go to work now and I just want to stay here finding thicko revies off Trip Advisor

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 10:53:10

i know i know.

I too must stop. Tis hard and painful.

ArfurBrain Fri 18-Mar-11 10:57:22

I use trip advisor and other reviews as a baramoter .
Any review which says anything like ''loads to on a night for for t'kiddies'' means I will hate it and so will my children.
One had a very complicated explanation of the towel/sunbed system which means a no from me, too.

We're off to a greek Isle this summer - I think I'd like to visit Thickos.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 18-Mar-11 10:59:37

What the Dickens is a "discusting hole" ?!? confused

Beef nuts maybe?

lesley33 Fri 18-Mar-11 11:01:32

When I went to Galapagos someone complained on the feedback form about the size of the penguins!

In China on a 3 day cruise of the Yanghtzee river I overheard one American complaining loudly to staff that Chinese peopel shouldn't be booked onto the same boats as tourists as "it just didn't work."

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 11:02:24

Yes I use it as a barometer too. Any mention of entitainment good or bad is thumbs down.

MrsChemist Fri 18-Mar-11 11:02:55

Arfur, if you do go, you'll have to post a revie on Trip Advisor, bitching that the food, the people and the weather were all too Greek for you

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 11:06:28

Lesley! That's shocking! I love our American brethren but they are usually the worst tourists grin

We went to the Moulin Rouge for my hen night and were booked in fir dinner. They told us on the phone it was formal dress for dinner so we made an effort. Got there and found the maitre'd telling an American bloke and his wife that they couldn't dine wearing Disney shorts and baseball caps. American bloke gets a wodge of euros out to buy his way in then got very huffy when he was told to bugger off. It made excellent entertainment whilst queuing!

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 11:07:31


bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 11:08:54

Also Americans complaining about pizzas didn't have enough cheese on and the bases were too thin.

In Rome.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 11:10:37

Go to work, Buppy

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 11:11:39

iPhone on train, Hully.

YOU go to work. Hustler is waiting...

MrsChemist Fri 18-Mar-11 11:12:29

<can't help but imagine the brochure blurb about 'The beautiful Greek island of Thickos'>

C4ro Fri 18-Mar-11 11:13:52

tulpe Your kindergarden map will sometimes show 6 continents and North + South America as 2. If it does, it will also count Mexico to North America. My flippant comment on Mexico-for-spring-break is for those folks that count only America/ Canada for North America and everything else as "forren parts", not for actually facts to help you in pub quizzes.

I feel bad now for piling mean on Americans though. Those that travel well are a delight; and certainly as a Brit I can't have pride in a lot of our exports holiday behaviours. Glass houses etc.

nunontherun ...concerned as to what specific requirements those pensioners have that will make make that place an acceptable hotel for them confused

Pinkjenny Fri 18-Mar-11 11:15:53

This has to go in Classics. I am in my office with tears rolling down my face pretending that a colleague has sent me a particularly hilarious email.

Which is questinthable.

AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 11:16:50

Man, I've obviously been staying in the right wrong hotels as I've missed all these wondrous reviews.

My favourites are the ones from "people with ridiculously high standards and huge senses of entitlements", particularly when they're having to slum it in 3* (and point this out repeatedly) as opposed to their usual 5*.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 18-Mar-11 11:17:21

I spent many, many years working in restaurants (I live in a city that attracts a lot of toursits) and Americans were, as a rule, an absolute delight. And not just because they tipped well grin

ArfurBrain Fri 18-Mar-11 11:18:02

Mrs Chem, I am writing it in readiness!

I'm going to complain that it was too hot in August and the fookin shop had no english t-bags and that all the instructions on the local sun tan lotion were in a foreign language.
And that the staff made our J'Ordanne cry because the ignorant forrin bastards kept getting her name wrong and calling her Kallymary. Or something.

Oh I have to get on, really, Dad coming round and last time he came at half term, (8 days after 10yr relationship tanked) he made a comment on the tidiness... So have to get on with my housekeeping...



"When I went to Galapagos someone complained on the feedback form about the size of the penguins!"

I defy anyone to top that! That is just laugh out loud funny!

MrsBonkers Fri 18-Mar-11 11:20:14

Love TripAdvisor. Although I do sometimes make the mistake of looking at it AFTER I have booked. Then I get worried...
I don't write reviews as I doubt anyone cares what I think (why am I here???) but I do upload photos as these are what I find most helpful from others on there.

Snobear4000 Fri 18-Mar-11 11:20:15

British posters on Tripadvisor are often the guilty party when making a song-and-dance about there not being enough channels on the telly.

As for the people who complain all year about it being too cold and miserable, then book a holiday somewhere nice and hot, then complain that the air-con isn't cold enough...

OK I found an awesome example here, from someone with an Irish name from Taunton, so not new to the English Language:

"so exspensive for the most basic and most unhygeinic place ... swimming pool was full off mould ! rooms for 4 people only had two beds ,, staff were rude and couldnt speak english ,, even charged 100 euros for a plastic cover of a lamp tht accidently got broken ! this place ruined my holiday ,, wouldnt even go back ifit was for free !"


Lilymaid Fri 18-Mar-11 11:20:35

I wrote a slightly critical review of a B&B - gave it 4 Stars though - and got a pm from the owner who was deeply upset.
Strangely, most of her other reviews were 5 Star reviews from people who had never reviewed anywhere else before or subsequently.

tyler80 Fri 18-Mar-11 11:21:16

I only use tripadvisor for a laugh, it's pretty useless for it's intended purpose.

I remember one place we stayed, one person complained that there was a dead insect on the floor and they had to wait until the following day for the maid to remove it, another complained that the sheets weren't changed everyday in their self catering apartment. It was a 2 star £150 a week place!!

tulpe Fri 18-Mar-11 11:24:16

Cr40 - thanks but think you meant to address your response to EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog who asked you the question wink

Joolyjoolyjoo Fri 18-Mar-11 11:25:05

This thread is hilarious! I have used TripAdvisor in the past, and always take reviews with a big pinch of salt.

Speaking of American's reviewing holidays, I used to live in Edinburgh as a student, and worked as a waitress. Some very friendly, lovely American's came in, and I was asking them how they liked the city. They said "Princes' Street is amaazing! But such a pity there are only shops on one side!"

Yeah, that big bloody castle is an eyesore! Surprised noone has thought before of tearing it down and building a mall!!

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 11:27:22

oh do let's all post on TripAd.

Love love love KallyMary. Do it.

ShirleyKnot Fri 18-Mar-11 11:32:27

I have just found a review called "my mom died in this hotel"

She had a heart attack due to the lack of air conditioning.

AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 11:36:07

I've just looked at reviews for a place I stayed in Rome (Rome, note, with all the pizzas and what not)
"close to all the attractions. MacDonalds is just down the Lane opposite"


FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 11:36:24

Oh Goody - I love this thread! Trip Advisor is one of my favourite places to laugh at stupid ranting people.

Here's a good one about a total pigsty in Bulgaria:

'The girl behind the reception was very cheeky and could speck hardly no English....we all got cloths stole from three rooms.'

LtEveDallas Fri 18-Mar-11 11:40:30

I am doing no work at all today. Found another one from a place we went to in 2006 (which was pretty basic, agreed, but was very cheap) This review is HUGE, takes up the whole page, but some of it is fantastic:

"Next ...oh there's more.... the outside snack bar was closed for two
days thereby depriving me and my family of the option to sit in the
open air and get what sunshine we could whilst having a snack.....after
all it's all incusive !!!
All inclusive of nothing means nothing and so I am paying good hard
earned money to get NOTHING!!............You will agree!!

The place needs more security and more enforcement of good behaviour.
This place is a breeding ground for ASBO WANNABEES!!!

This is my complaint.
I have already been in touch with Travel Watchdog and will be contacting Which Travel.
I await your reply .

(I'm not sure what she thinks TripAdvisor is? Maybe she should have addressed her complaint to her holiday company.)

LtEveDallas Fri 18-Mar-11 11:43:38

I ought to point out - in my last post the lady is complaining that she was "paying good hard earned money to get nothing" etc.....There were 3 snack bars and 3 restaurants in the complex, so if one had closed she could have, umm, gone to another one?

JFly Fri 18-Mar-11 11:43:47

"Fucking Spanish food eating Spanish Spain bastards in Spain."

THIS is why I love Mumsnet.

AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 11:45:24

More from the Manc Reviewer of Jasmine Beach (in Turkey)

"The best food was the beach cafe which serves english food like pizza n chips burgers etc as the main buffet at the evening is shockingly awful."

Why do these people leave Britain for vaycay if they hate forrin places and food so much?

Reminds me of a friend of my mom's who was UBER English and went on vacation to Rome. His response was "it was great - the hotel served English food"

AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 11:46:22

and ".If you are seriously thinking bout this hotel be prepared to be woken up at 5AM BY THE MOSQUE ACROSS THE WAY PRAYING!!!!!!!!!!they dont tell you this in the brochure but praying starts early and is constant throught out the day lasting about 10 min per time belting out through the hugespeakers"

Imagine. A call to prayer in a predominantly Muslim country. Whatever next?

LtEveDallas Fri 18-Mar-11 11:48:56

Oh FFS another one (I can't tear myself away smile):

you cud of died waitin for a lift, felt sorry for the less fortnate, who where in wheelchairs and cudnt use the stairs, the queues at the bars were rediculus, i think we gave up after day 4, we booked two rooms and asked to be put together weeks before we left for are ( holiday haha ) you quessed it, they cudnt do that. if you like this place you live on a dump, or you are homless.
what a waste of time and money. those of you who want a nice holiday dont do it. no matter what the chav's say . im sure it's perfect for them!!

Sarsaparilllla Fri 18-Mar-11 11:51:13

I love this thread

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 11:54:05

"We have just arrived back from a weeks holiday at the XXXX Palace this was our 6th time & our last."


"But the piste de resistance was when they gave myself and wife food poisioning on the last weekend of our stay. " I am crying now.

"When we arrived at Playa XXX all the entertainment was in SCANDINAVIAN!"

"However two plus points the weather was very nice and we met a charming couple from Cardiff."

"If only the Spanish would learn manners and have at least some time for the hoiday makers after all we are the ones keeping the spanish economy alive.
Come on hotel please teach them manners and show some respect for us, or better idea BRITS only hotel NO Spaniards allowed"

LDNmummy Fri 18-Mar-11 11:54:25

I once found a review on there about my home country, the most ignorant and rediculous load of rubbish laced with racism and a western superiority complex.

Will never use that site again.

lesley33 Fri 18-Mar-11 11:55:15

I know not trip advisor. But when I went to New Zealand a B & B called Rainforest Lodge I stayed in had a home made sign saying basically - don't complain that it is always raining here, we are in the rainforest. The clue is in the name.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 18-Mar-11 12:01:35

and we met a charming couple from Cardiff

Who probably spent most of their holiday desperately trying to avoid you grin

ShirleyKnot Fri 18-Mar-11 12:04:22

'This hotel has been sold and therefore we have experienced all these problems. The x manager who lives in Villa next to hotel got broken into and police called. Next night 5 gun shots went off just at back of hotel. We were all asked to move away from pool bar and sit in restaurant with lights out, music off. My 5 year old daughter was terrified, we tried to tell it's fireworks but she new all right.
A few days after 2 men in suites came round taking equipment that was left. Think you might call them the bay lifts!!!'

Right now, this comes from a stream of awful awful revies about the most dreadful hotel, but some of them are just utterly hilarious in their awfulness.

NunOnTheRun Fri 18-Mar-11 12:05:17

Wot, no booze?

"this hotel is not very good, there is little or no entertainment and the all inclusive package is not all it seems. cocktails are only free from 9pm until 10pm which is strange because All inclusive should last all day and hotel guests are only allowed one type of cocktail a day so they wouldn't be able to drink what they desire. there is also only one type of beer and one type of wine. and limited spirits. the food is also very poor and most is constantly cold. i would not recommed this hotel to people looking for a good time. "

^the above is a review of a hotel in Crete

ensure Fri 18-Mar-11 12:05:27

They put us in a room that was occupied by a couple of homeless people that were having sex when my kids walked in the room. They busted stink bomds and said my dogs did it , but everybody knows that dogs don 't smell like farts my dogs are very well maintained and trained, I
have papers to proof it

My tire was punctured with a knife part of the blade was in the tire when I had it changed . I 'm pretty sure it was someone from housekeeping. Never again will I stay at this place

FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 12:05:38

I have holidayed lots in Islamic countries and I love being lulled awake by the call to prayer over the loudspeakers from the minarets. So long as it's not coming from right next door, but romantically drifting in from a bit of a distance I find it very soothing. But then I don't mind being woken by cockerels either, so perhaps I'm just weird.

NunOnTheRun Fri 18-Mar-11 12:07:56

@ Portofino:

"piste de resistance"

^ fantastic grin

FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 12:09:34

I've just found a lovely place in Majorca called Hotel Moron. Who would book that? Why risk it? hmm

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 12:10:21

This place sounds nice:

When you step off the bus, it is like being mauled by a giant mound of sick. You can taste it as you walk past people queing up for Planet Dance. You expect something at least, a little decent looking at the website, no no no... when you get into the place, the feeling is the same as it would be if you accidentally shot a dog and ended it's life.

GoldenGreen Fri 18-Mar-11 12:12:37

These are brilliant - particularly love the one complaining about the penguins. Also have read many reviews complaining about the call to prayer in Muslim countries. Some people really should have their passports confiscated.

NunOnTheRun Fri 18-Mar-11 12:14:59

"....The rooms are located on various floors but be careful as some rooms are located by the lifts outside the hotel security door, so anyone from the street can gain access to your hotel room door. As I discovered when I returned to the hotel for my second stay and a tramp followed me upstairs to reception, tried to take one of my bags and follow me to my room. The guy on reception did nothing to help me and let the tramp get back in the lift with me..."

[Hong Kong]


yonker Fri 18-Mar-11 12:16:57

Couldn't resist adding these

From Benidorm...

..the food was ok but nothing amazing. great if you love fish or pialla or if your just spanish in general...

Spanish in general?? confused

However, this person has obviously found the Spanish hotel of their dreams...

We have been to this hotel 4 times now and will continue to to return in future!
This hotel caters purely for us Brits!!! You can get a cup of Tetleys tea any time of the day and you can have HP sauce on your meals.There is BBC1 ITV1 sky sports 1 in your room,so if you dont feel like going out,at least you can fetch some drinks and watch a bit of tv comfortably.

Glad to know that someone is enjoying themselves

JaneS Fri 18-Mar-11 12:19:44

grin grin grin

Nothing to add, but loving your work everyone ...

manfromCUK Fri 18-Mar-11 12:21:14

This thread is wonderful. I confess we do use Tripadvisor a lot, but we do take it with a pinch of salt.

The questions I had in response to my review of our hol in Cuba were funny - mostly Canadians asking questions about things already mentioned in the review.

lesley33 Fri 18-Mar-11 12:21:42

Penguins in Galapagos are smaller than many other breeds. They looked lovely to us. But okay I can see that some might prefer to see larger penguins. But really what did they expect, the absolutely excellent holiday company to do? We just made jokes about it for days e.g. the holiday company should really be stretching the penguins using a rack.

NunOnTheRun Fri 18-Mar-11 12:22:16

Don't mention the....

"my parents, both in their 70s, were booked via telextext into this hotel. At the time of their stay they were the only british people. They were not told that this was a German hotel when they booked.

For the first 4 days they ate nothing at all. They complained to the restaurant manager and the hotel manager about the food. There was no toaster and all the bread was german. All the food was for the german clientele. Luckily there were quite a few bars and restaurants locally that they could eat at, but that is not really the point, they paid all inclusive and clearly were not catered for.

The room was basic, with additional charges for everything. The pool area was small, with a small self service bar for the all inclusive for beer and wine. On the afternoon there was coffee and cake, that is if you could get anywhere near, as just like the sunbeds, the germans had to push in and be first.."

^Crete again -reviewed by Stan Boardman-

lexxity Fri 18-Mar-11 12:24:26

You know Benidorm, the TV show. There are people out there who think it's a documentary.

If you want a real laugh go and look at the Disneyland Paris reviews!

I always contribute to TA but I find most of it to be utter bollocks.

Snobear4000 Fri 18-Mar-11 12:25:16

I guess "piste de resistance" is a particularly difficult black ski run.

QuickLookBusy Fri 18-Mar-11 12:30:57

This thread is so funny.

These two about the same hotel in Spain.

"We were the only english family in the hotel. We were a little uncomfortable at times due to being starred at a lot. maybe that was due to your hands dragging along the floor. Entertainment practically non excistent, but the aerobics teacher was pretty. However if you wanted to speak English you had to walk about a mile to the other side of the bay."

"Not for the English. It was all Spanish, even the food was Spanish. We were offered to move but would av 2 pay 350 pounds which i thought was a joke. If the food had been warm and the english catered for then it would av been great."


Thingumy Fri 18-Mar-11 12:33:51


I'm loving 'but she new all right' and 'Think you might call them the bay lifts'


KnottyLocks Fri 18-Mar-11 12:34:19

Majorca here I come:

"Stayed in ve magalluf park may 04 on a hen weekend. Found dat ve hotel was busy but not packed, staff were friendly even wen we came bk singin at 5.30am lol Love ve food nice range to suit every1 n ve rooms were reasonable. dis place has entertainment which was enjoyable to watch n join in uresleves. Will be goin dere nxt yr!"

allsquareknickersnofurcoat Fri 18-Mar-11 12:35:09

grin Roffle!

Have sent a link to this thread to DH, he loves the idiotic reviews on Tripadvisor!!

LtEveDallas Fri 18-Mar-11 12:36:02

A hotel in Morocco from a reviewer in Liverpool:

it ok got 2 b up early if u want a ok always sumtin 2 eat room clean maid calls everyday theam resturants gud moroccan the best try them but book early sittin an if not 2 your likin u can go buffet.

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 12:36:56

"kavos shud b called chavos is dirty smelly rundown rubbish restaurants n full of young teenagers goin mental n breaking bones oh n if u meet a barman at the agnes called spiros stay clear of him he is rude arrogant n thinks he is gods gift n loves swearing plus your ears bleed with his poor mixing of music but it is a rare treat lol n u will b charged for sunbeds even though ur a resident if ur young n its your first time away u will prob love it but if ur over 25 avoid this place like the plague but if u lyk clubbing n getting off your face then go for it but I won't b ever goin back again once is enough now to book a proper holiday. "

KnottyLocks Fri 18-Mar-11 12:39:08

Written by an absolute charmer:

"stayed with groud of 23 lads...the air con was so poor you were constantly hot you could not rest easily. i have stayed in much better hotels in magaluf for groups . i ill never stay at the honolulu again...(Lucky them) THEY DONT PLAY MUSIC AROUND THE POOL.

Black prostitutes block the enrance at the bottom of the hotel and try to touch you up and pick pocket you for your phone and money, i was lucky beacause im quite a big lad i just threatned them" shock

Thingumy Fri 18-Mar-11 12:40:58

'Dirty, neglected, old and very expensive... I'd sleep for 3 nights with a old sock under my bed. I've no words!!!! The last time in my life here!!!'

One Review of the Hotel Colon <arf>

The reply from owner

Hotel Colon Palma has renewed them installations and we are waiting for you again in the Hotel ., Pretty new , Thanks for your comments but they are too old , tings changed absolutelly and thanks comments as yours we could make the Hotel Colon one of the favourites Hotels in the city now

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 12:41:51

I read a really funny one which was extremely long: Basically the guy gave a terrible review for a hotel where he wasn't staying but just sitting in the lobby filching their free wi-fi! He wrote a very long rant about the awful treatment he received when the hotel manager threw him out, quite reasonably pointing out that the facilities were for the use of hotel guests only grin

NunOnTheRun Fri 18-Mar-11 12:42:19

@ Portofino

"...if u meet a barman at the agnes called spiros stay clear of him he is rude arrogant n thinks he is gods gift n loves swearing plus your ears bleed with his poor mixing of music..."

Hahahahaha !

MmeLindt Fri 18-Mar-11 12:42:36

I think that the "humans" are perhaps literal German translation of "Menschlich" - to call someone Menschlich is to say down to earth, pleasant, nice.

Or maybe you were on TripZombieAdvisor by mistake?

oldsilver Fri 18-Mar-11 12:42:39

Oh my fucking god!!! I do believe I have stayed in that hotel NunOnTheRun (10:46)! Just over 20 years ago but exactly the same things as we were saying. grin

Skimummy Fri 18-Mar-11 12:42:41

"Bay lifts" grin

I use tripadvisor alot and love those types of reviews. Agree on Disneyland Paris - not sure what people expect from a hotel with 1000 rooms in a place aimed at children. A civilised breakfast? No children in the corridors?

tethersend Fri 18-Mar-11 12:45:57

I am outraged.

I posted a factual, beautifully written yet horrific account of my mum and grandma's endurance test at the Royal hotel, Tyndrum (the Tyndrum Two) and they pulled it within 24 hours.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 12:46:21

ensure - that is fab fab fab

and Porto's: the feeling is the same as it would be if you accidentally shot a dog and ended it's life.

Oh we've all felt that..

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 12:46:41

I remember that, tethers

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 12:47:27

Black prostitutes block the enrance at the bottom of the hotel and try to touch you up and pick pocket you for your phone and money, i was lucky beacause im quite a big lad i just threatned them

dillie's mates

ShirleyKnot Fri 18-Mar-11 12:48:18

"i am in shock that any person can have a complaint with this hotel. its class. spottless beer on tap great for kids 3 pools no noise. 10 mins to san antonia bay. 3 euro for bus from airport. its beggers belief that people complain. i have stayed in a lot of hotels world wide and this is without a doubt 3 star should be 4. its like a holiday village. the staff just smile smile and smile.. me and my wife said lets think of one bad fault and we caught not think of a single thing. the bar man with hard hearing is superb and the lovely ladys in the dinner hall. as for people moaning about waiting on drink what a lot of lies. theres 3 bars and a help your self beer and wine on tap. 10/10"

Beer on tap for kids? Book me up.

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 12:48:58

Obviously some people are impossible to please!

"Dont get me wrong. i LOVE luxery hotels and god knows i am willing to pay for luxery. having said that, Paris GEORGE V trully delivers, but somehow, belive it or not, i cheked out a bit depressed.

now why would someone that just stayed in the most beautiful property, given the most exellent service and slept in the most beautiful room on a fantastic bed have mixed feelings about anything in this world? well, to have feelings is a human thing, and this is the one thing this hotel lacks of: humaneness.

this is NOT a class act. This is more like a well designed and extreemly well orchestrated ripp off. they know that what you really want , what you secretly dream of is to be treated like royalty so they give it to you, but they do it in a very cynical way"

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 12:49:33

the bar man with hard hearing is superb


MmeLindt Fri 18-Mar-11 12:51:37

“this is the best place to make your life worse”

THE STAFFS ARE THE ONES RESPONSIBLE FOR SPOILING THE ENTIRE TRIP, we were poorly greeted when we checked in the hotel, as our flight arrived an hour earlier than check in time, i was rudely told that i was too early and to return later in the day. the old man concierge always reply me in the utmost disgust, and it is clearly shown in his facial expression and body language, he doesnt even look at me in the eye when we converse- it doesnt take a genius to realize this is just poor courtesy.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 12:52:34

What a tip top analysis of the George V.

manfromCUK Fri 18-Mar-11 12:52:35

Top question in the Disneyland Paris forum -
"i have heard that disneyland paris is been moved to murcia spain. how true would this information be"

Hmm I wonder.....

TandB Fri 18-Mar-11 12:53:40

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 18-Mar-11 10:59:37
What the Dickens is a "discusting hole" ?!?

Dillie the prostitute might know!

Does anyone every wonder what the bad reviewers of fantastic hotels actually did to get the bad service they moaned about?

We went to the Maldives once - it was unbelievable. If you had told the staff you couldn't be arsed to walk to the beach they would probably have carried you and smiled while doing it. From some reviews of the resort you would have thought that guests were being sold into the slave trade upon arrival!

Porto, <snorts> seems he was willing to pay for luxery but not a dictionary...

Thingumy Fri 18-Mar-11 12:53:54

I can't cut and this review due to the epic size..


Thingumy Fri 18-Mar-11 12:54:07


MmeLindt Fri 18-Mar-11 12:54:52

Frank from Idaho advises:

“If you love your family....don't”

confirmed for was not available...substitute room was for 4...very small and inadequate by any standard...sketchy neighborhood...breakfast at a bar about 2 blocks away...those were good folks...

Not sure who were the good folks.

MmeLindt Fri 18-Mar-11 12:56:51

LOL at Thingumy's link. That took longer to write that the holiday duration.

I particularly like the Forrest Gumpesque end:

"Everyone gets rained on in life. Life is not always the party we expected it to be or would like. However, like this vacation, if you're patient and lucky the sun will eventually shine on you too.

Trust in your dreams not in your fears."

Habbibu Fri 18-Mar-11 12:57:49

Oh, god - marking place to find this later. I got as far as fucknuckles and have to go, but oh, thank you, coastgirl!

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 12:58:46

thingumy - I am particularly grateful for the wise words on vacation friendships at the end.

TandB Fri 18-Mar-11 12:59:05

" A couple of times, the manager was on the dive boat with us but he didn't even look at us or acknowledge our presence"

I wonder why!

lesley33 Fri 18-Mar-11 12:59:59

You know I love the ridiculous reviews. But I am not happy with people being laughed just because their spelling or literacy is very poor. Okay some people have very poor literacy - perhaps because of a poor education, or they messed about at school or they are just not very bright. But I really feel strongly that this si not something that should be laughed at. It just seems an easy way for people to feel superior.

LessNarkyPuffin Fri 18-Mar-11 13:00:22

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 18-Mar-11 10:59:37
What the Dickens is a "discusting hole" ?!?

Dillie the prostitute might know!

grin KungfuPanda

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 13:00:28

" had been reading Hemingway and wanted to try the bar at the Rtiz Hotel. We had on tennis shoes and casual dress. The doorman chased us out of the hotel.... said their was a delegation in town. We explained we wanted to patronize the bar - but he would have none of it. After us, two elderly ladies in gucci and channel walked right in. We spend many afternoons at the Ritz in Laguna Niguel, Ca and never got this rude behavior. Only rude french people on entire trip! "

MmeLindt Fri 18-Mar-11 13:00:47

Security guard was asleep at the wheel. What are you going to do? Who are you going to call?


TandB Fri 18-Mar-11 13:02:23

"there is no need for rudness or bad manors"

Definitely don't want bad manors. Especially when paying for 5 star manors.

"The island is a natural island so you have to expect a few ants or seaweed"

You think?

Thingumy Fri 18-Mar-11 13:03:03

I snorted at that too Mme

I particularly like this extract

'If you had one of these rooms you could just about stay to yourself, take your meals in the buffet, and have all the alone time you wanted for contemplation from a separation/divorce/life tragedy/work pressures etc. and just recharge the batteries. Our room was ocean view. 400 feet from the ocean. Yes I counted. Luck is still our friend.'

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 13:03:16



FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 13:03:47

'The Atals Hotel was very impressionable.' hmm

I am crying with laughter at this thread, it's made my daygrin

LessNarkyPuffin Fri 18-Mar-11 13:06:14

'there was no entertainment, or anything for english people. the only decent thing was the massage chair in the lobby and the smoking room!!!'


LessNarkyPuffin Fri 18-Mar-11 13:06:40

'my husband and i have holidayed all over europe and are not ones to moan or complain we have allways found the spanish very rude'

LessNarkyPuffin Fri 18-Mar-11 13:07:36

'holidaying in spain is one thing but to holiday with the spanish is a totally raw experience '

TandB Fri 18-Mar-11 13:07:57

This in response to a guest complaining about being overcharged. Me thinks someone went on a bit of a bender!

"Firstly we would like to thank the client for taking the time to comment on our resort. We would however like to clarify a few points that have been raised by the client namely the overcharge of GBP 200.00 additional charges for items not consumed. Please note that we have a Happy Hour in Villu Bar from 17.30 Hrs to 18.30 Hrs daily where any items ordered during this period put into the system is automatically calculated at 50%. This is a discount for happy Hour. It is most unfortunate that for the guest in question, they had ordered their first drinks during this period and continued to consume beverages and other items after the Happy Hour. Therefore only the items ordered during the period were discounted whereas the others were at normal rate. The guests signed the bills at the outlet but one day prior to check out refused to pay for USD 29.70 of the items on the bill at normal price. Please note that our machines are programed automatically based on the time and therefore there is no room for error. We however after much discussion decided to not charge them.

For the minibar, the guests refused to pay the amount of USD 75.00 for items consumed from the minibar quoting that they did not consume the items. This again due to the insistence of the guests was not charged. I therefore feel that the resort has already given a lot in terms of leeway to the guests concerned when the charges were indeed correct. To after that advise other guests not to come to Medhufushi is indeed surprising. Total amount not charged was therefore USD 104.70. Please note also that we did not have any other guests complaining about charges levied during their stay.Thank you. "

MmeLindt Fri 18-Mar-11 13:08:00

From what I observed of Lolita she could handle it no problem. Staff was very friendly and many spoke at least some English. Some staff were well-versed. Didn't detect the Varadero attitude in the buffet whatsoever.

What on earth is Varadero attitude, and why did the buffet not have it?

Particularly like the run down of nationalities at the resort. Always good to know that there was someone there from Halifax, Nova Scotia. They know about good hotels in Halifax.

Skimummy Fri 18-Mar-11 13:08:12

Thingumy that is brilliant!

I particularly like this part:

"Met some great people as always. Raymond, an elderly gentleman from England, talked with us in the mornings at the lobby bar while enjoying our cappuccino. Especially liked hearing of his trips to Thailand and Greece. Greg was an interesting man, originally from South Africa, but won't tell you his postal code (inside joke). Must respect everyone's sense of privacy and comfort level in being known. His adolescent daughter Emily was also very nice. Karen from the east coast shared a few meals with us. Always with her book and exploring the resort and surrounding area getting her daily physical activity and collecting rocks. We have rocks in Canada Karen!!! Lots of laughs. And the maid Aida and all the other Cubans who worked at the resort. If you're not careful they will melt your heart."


MumsieNonna Fri 18-Mar-11 13:12:45

'Ok,so my mate is terrified of spiders and done the clever thing of looking on google to see what they r like in Dominican! Whats the likelihood of us seeing any big ones in and around our hotel? Just to put a very worried mind to rest! Lol! Cheers.'

omnishambles Fri 18-Mar-11 13:14:29

Please stop now weith this - am at my desk in a very quiet open plan office - I think my workmates think I'm having a seizure...grin

slowshow Fri 18-Mar-11 13:14:50

This thread is killing me grin

Here's a review of a hotel in southern Spain my grandparents visit quite often:

"After reading many many reviews of this hotel i thought twice AFTER I BOOKED THIS HOTEL. First thing i noticed about this complex was the lack of english people. I read alot of reviews refering to a very spanish holiday, i couldn't help but think "well you go to Spain u expect to see alot of spanish people". well i understood what they meant right away."


"After the first 2 days we came to ignore all the negatives and made a good holiday of it. What i will say is expect to experience alot of spanish culture as this hotel/complex is 98% spanish."


"To finish i will say we had a great holiday once we got used to the spanish feel, just be prepared to have a very spanish holiday (as our rep said "you are in Spain")."

Well done that rep, hahahaha!

Thingumy Fri 18-Mar-11 13:15:14

'The Cubans recruit you from around the pool area and try their hardest to get you to be involved and to have some fun. It was excellent. If you wanted to have fun this was it. Life tends to smile on those who smile back. Kayaking in the pool. Crazy games near the snack bar etc. Of course you were encouraged to get sexy. Prize is always a bottle of rum or a free week at Club Cojimar or a million dollars. What do you think it is?'

Gabbylogon has been to Cuba then.

TandB Fri 18-Mar-11 13:15:20

Quick! Someone find something else funny and get Omnishambles into trouble!

ensure Fri 18-Mar-11 13:15:36

Pizza hut doesn't deliver .. . no this isn 't their fault but daggumit, it 's still
annoying. Domino 's did , but I wanted PH.

TandB Fri 18-Mar-11 13:16:47

Where exactly does Pizza Hut not deliver to? Rome?

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 13:17:33

"Believe me, we did not need entertainment after watching this woman with her hands on his privates and his hands on her ---!
Would I stay in a Hotel that deems this kind of behavior? Definetly not!"

ensure Fri 18-Mar-11 13:18:56

Haha at Gabbylogon Thingumy!

LessNarkyPuffin Fri 18-Mar-11 13:19:30

'my wife thought she was getting onion rings, it turned out to be squid'

MumsieNonna Fri 18-Mar-11 13:20:49

Just found this one for a place in Barbados

" The bars were limited and stocked with only well liquor. The special night time activities on the beach and in the courtyard were well received." confused

Thingumy Fri 18-Mar-11 13:21:48

my wife thought she was getting onion rings, it turned out to be squid

hahaha at the covert calamari

BarbaraBar Fri 18-Mar-11 13:22:07

LOL @ Thingumy - "GabbyLogon has been to Cuba then"


" Drunken Bulgarian men having to be pulled out of the pool by holiday makers."

haha, my mum owns an appartment there!

AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 13:22:40

This sounds quite traumatic, from someone staying at the Waldorf Astoria
"The worst part of my hotel experience was still to come. On my second to last night as I was lying on the bed I got up to put my slippers on and saw a cockroach on the floor next to the bed. I jumped up scared it would jump on me or something but observing it realized it was dead. I got a bunch of tissues, got my courage up and went to pick it up but the cockroach was so long dead the thing disintegrated into cockroach powder before my eyes. So now I was left with cockroach powder between my bed and the way to the bathroom. [weeps] I called reception to complain and they apologized and offered me free use of internet in the room or a free breakfast to make up for this. They also said they could come and clean it right away but as it was late I told him not to bother. I put a towel over cockroach powder and hoped they would clean it well the next day. I didn't take them up on their offer for free stuff, I didn't complain for that, I complained because in a legendary 5 star hotel I don't think I should be faced with such an experience in the first place."

Poor man sad. Imagine cockroach powder

MmeLindt Fri 18-Mar-11 13:25:43

OMG Cockroach powder!

LessNarkyPuffin Fri 18-Mar-11 13:26:00

I don't think cockroaches fully comprehend the star rating system.

Thingumy Fri 18-Mar-11 13:26:57

'This hotel is totally bogus. Everything is done in a rinky dink way. It starts when you check in and they will only give you one room key even though there are multiply people staying in the room. They tell you it is for security. They explain that if you lose a key, somebody could make copies of it. Of course they have no answer for what happens if you lose the one key they do give you. Can't somebody still make copies of that?

Later, when you want some ice to set a drink in, you are told, you can get a cup of ice at the bar. Of course, you have to wait 5 minutes until the bar tender decides you are worth waiting on. And you get a Dixie cup with 3 cubes of ice in it. I guess letting people loose with an ice bucket at an ice machine could cost a nickel. They won't have any part of that.

When you tuck in for the night, don't toss and turn even a little bit. The sheets don't fit the bed. They quickly come out of place and you will be laying right on the mattress. And when you take a dump in the morning, flush halfway through it. Otherwise you will plug up the toilet.'

FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 13:27:27

I thought he/she was spot on with:

If you are single, or just like to dance then definitely go to the disco.

Thanks, that's helpful.


'Our room was ready and they told us the location and the room number.' hmm

That's service for you. Most places just blindfold you and shove you in the general direction of the lifts, shouting - 'just keep trying doors until you find it you English Bitch.'

Thingumy Fri 18-Mar-11 13:27:34

rinky dink.

EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog Fri 18-Mar-11 13:28:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manfromCUK Fri 18-Mar-11 13:28:48

Any idea what this means?
"The so called gym, the aircondltioned room lovely, but thats were it ends. The machines are poorly maintained, most have handles missing . feet missing and some that have been bodge repaired (in the no expence spared maintenance program) there is no induction on how to use the machinery. If you do use the gym and have an accident god forbid . CLAIM as the hotel doest not display a discaimer any where that the user uses the gym at there own risk anywhere ! my advice is DON'T USE IT ITS DANGEROUS"

LessNarkyPuffin Fri 18-Mar-11 13:28:54

'The special night time activities on the beach and in the courtyard were well received'

shock MumsieNonna

LessNarkyPuffin Fri 18-Mar-11 13:31:09

That's service for you. Most places just blindfold you and shove you in the general direction of the lifts, shouting - 'just keep trying doors until you find it you English Bitch.'

I may have just weed a little.

Thingumy Fri 18-Mar-11 13:31:31

An OK little hotel in downtown Cancun. Not expensive at all. Lots of restaurants and shoppes nearby. Nothing much else, though. One thing I found annoying was the male prostitutes hanging out along the street and tending to congregate across the street from the entrance to the hotel. Some were quite lewd and aggressive. That's OK is someone needs to do that sort of thing to make a living, I guess, but in this location it was more of an annoyance than an amusement.

ok then hmm

SoupDragon Fri 18-Mar-11 13:32:23

"We explained we wanted to patronize the bar"


JeelyPiece Fri 18-Mar-11 13:32:25

This thread is hilarious.

Don't go to Los Dalmatas hotel in Benidorm during the International Chicken Farmers' Conference, as this poor guy did:

"people using fowl language round the pool"

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 13:33:06

"Twice a fiend attended the public bar toilet to find someone had lost all inhibitions and had caused carnage of the bowel kind in the toilet, vile. Is it any woder the british abroad are give a bad name. You will enjoy this hotel if you too live like a character from Shameless, you will hate this hotelclientele if you have the slightest bit of self-pride and dignity."

omnishambles Fri 18-Mar-11 13:34:51

Now I'm at it look grr...This from fuerteventura:

The reception staff cannot smile and the bar man practically threw my drink at me because I dared to ask for pineapple with my Malibu. Pineapple is for breakfast only!! The etertainment is a complete shambles. If you win the quiz you are the entertainment, ie, you are forced to play musical chairs. It was so painful to watch we had to leave. The pool when we arrived was filthy, the sun loungers are mostly not fit to lie on and don't dare ask for more than one hot dog from the snack bar as you are restricted to one. You can have icecream but when I asked for a spoon I was told that they had none.

AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 13:36:01

My eyes are watering from this, particularly
"Don't go to Los Dalmatas hotel in Benidorm during the International Chicken Farmers' Conference, as this poor guy did:

"people using fowl language round the pool""


JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 18-Mar-11 13:36:12

LtEve at least our Liverpudlian friend thought the Moroccan theam (sic) restaurant was the best of the bunch. On his Moroccan holiday. I thought that was rather sweet.

LessNarkyPuffin Fri 18-Mar-11 13:36:25

I'm starting to feel deprived as the hotels I've stayed in have definitely been lacking in the obvious prostitute department. Amusing or otherwise.

donnie Fri 18-Mar-11 13:37:02

Oh Dear God this thread is wonderful!

pmsl @ "I thought Thickos was a Greek Island"

JeelyPiece Fri 18-Mar-11 13:41:20

I am 40 weeks pregnant today and my bladder cannot handle this.

Jins Fri 18-Mar-11 13:41:23

I carefully read all the reviews on trip advisor and booked this hotel for my husband's birthday. We arrived on 01 August and tried to book into our superior with a view room, to be met by a surly rude gentleman eating chinese food and completely uninterested.
He gave me the key to a room that was absolutely not superior in any way shape or form. No aircon, twin beds, dark and dingy and no view.
On querying this with reception, he shrugged, "it's all i have, take it or leave it.."
We left there and then and had to find alternative acoomodation on a warm friday evening, carrying luggage. This ruined our vacation.
Hideous place.

We were there at the same time. Fabulous location in tree lined square in Montmartre. Would go again in a heartbeat

issey6cats Fri 18-Mar-11 13:41:35

i love tripadvisor you sometimes wonder if these people are staying at the same hotel as the other people, we have booked for buggiba in malta for october at the topaz hotel and people either love it or absolutely hate it, we have paid £43 for a week there self catering, and as long as ive got a bed to sleep in, a kettle for making a brew and a shower that works thats all i want, and i cant wait to try some of the maltese food

FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 13:41:55

'The only vegetarian food available was plain pasta. All the sauces were meat and even the rice or salad dishes all had meat or fish in them. I asked if they could provide anything that was suitable for vegetarians and they said No, they did not cater for vegetarians at all, and I should have known, as they did not advertise as having a vegetarian restaurant.'

Quite right too. they should have had her thrown out onto the street, the audacious, ungrateful pasty-faced weirdo.

eltompo Fri 18-Mar-11 13:43:34

''We have rocks in Canada Karen!!! Lots of laughs.''

Oh good grief! Sounds like a riot! Poor Karen. Imagine meeting him on holiday. Your heart would sink every time you saw him coming...

omnishambles Fri 18-Mar-11 13:45:51

On the other hand some people wont let anything get them down and are very English about waiting for things like receptacles for tea...

'The front door lock was a bit dodgy so we wedged a chair under it at night as we were on the main road and access would have been too easy for anyone to break in.

The electrician came within hours to fix the hot water but we waited 2 days to get cups for our tea!

Our only worry was that we had to leave our passports with reception staff for 24 hours and assumed they would be locked in a safe, but when we collected them they were just in a pigeon hole behind the desk.

It is so worth a visit, so do try it and I hope you enjoy it as much as we do.'

MmeLindt Fri 18-Mar-11 13:46:45

I love it when Brits go abroad and complain that there was no kettle and tea bags in the room - what do they call it? A hospitality tray?

It is a peculiar invention of the Brits. We don't do them on the continent unless we are catering specifically for Brits.

manfromCUK Fri 18-Mar-11 13:47:58


That's service for you. Most places just blindfold you and shove you in the general direction of the lifts, shouting - 'just keep trying doors until you find it you English Bitch.'

Stop it please, please, my sides have blinkin split now!

Also I am supposed to be doing some work

SoupDragon Fri 18-Mar-11 13:50:31


A review for a Hotel in Bendidorm.


Followed by uber-justification:

"Through circumstances beyond our control we found ourselves having to come to Benidorm (we are Cote D’ Azure people not Costa Blanca)."


LessNarkyPuffin Fri 18-Mar-11 13:52:22

It's not just the not being able to make tea MmeLindt. I think it's the thought that another world might exist where there is not a constant possibility of a cup of tea. It throws them into an existential crisis.

MmeLindt Fri 18-Mar-11 13:52:56

How bloody selfish can you get - committing suicide and ruining other people's holidays, not to mention their karma. FFS.

Jins Fri 18-Mar-11 13:53:19

We selected this hotel based on the reviews here and the fact that they had availability. It was overall a dissapointing experience. The only good thing about the hotel is the great views of the city. But beware of the big church right in front. It blocks some of the view.

Why oh why don't the hotel just move it?

Thingumy Fri 18-Mar-11 13:54:04

Firstly, there was spit on the walls outside our room. Not just small blobs of spit, but actual green chunks of snot.


AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 13:54:47

Seriously [anger] churches in cities, calls to prayer in Muslim countries ...

does no one think of the tourists?

AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 13:55:36

that was meant to be angry

SoupDragon Fri 18-Mar-11 13:55:57

"As mentioned in other reviews below, we too were awoken in the early hours on the 7th October by a lot of screaming and shouting from the balconies to be told someone had fallen from a top balcony. This was really upsetting, and had we not of been checking out that morning, it would of ruined the rest of our holiday."

Obviously the same hotel as before.

Note the use of would of, especially for MN pedants.

ohemgee Fri 18-Mar-11 14:00:40

PIL run a beautiful country house hotel in Scotland. Someone complained on TripAdvisor that there was a tree blocking the Loch view which should be cut down. Said tree is an oak over 200 years old. Morons.

FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 14:01:03

Oh you can all stop searching now. I've found THE next holiday for any self-respecting MNer. We should block book and go together.

Pontins, Lowestoft.

'We have just come back from a week at Pontins, called Turkey and Tinsel/Comedy Capers Week.

The room was damp and smelt, and my pillow was wet from the damp in the walls.

I was in a group of people ages 27-53 and we were by far the youngest there.

The Bluecoats done [ouch] a show which wasn't very good at all.

Bobby Davro let them down at the last minute due to the weather conditions up north, but luckily they got a glow in the dark puppet show at the last minute.

That's it. I'm booking it.

SoupDragon Fri 18-Mar-11 14:01:49

"The baby in the next room woke us up every time he cried,which was several times a night .This being due to very small cots being provided.But we didn't mind too much,after all it was our 9month old grandson."

SoupDragon Fri 18-Mar-11 14:07:50

"Hotel and staff sucked"

Another one for Dillie the prostitute?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 18-Mar-11 14:07:59

Oh FFS Fellatio I'm meant to be working. My colleagues think I'm having some kind of seizure...

Jins Fri 18-Mar-11 14:08:05

Stay at front of hotel might as well been sleeping at the side of M25(Englands busiest motorway)hard to get a smile out of staff every thing seemed like a chore to them.

The M25 in question

LaWeasel Fri 18-Mar-11 14:10:36

"We were skeptical b/c of the price - we paid a total of $53. You usually get what you pay for and this is completely true for this hotel. We had to wait for 15 minutes to check in b/c there was some issue going on between three front desk clerks and a manager. Finally we were going to cancel our reservations and we were told our room was ready."

15 minutes is long enough to cancel your stay?! seriously?

FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 14:11:17

'On arrival at our chalet we found there was ant powder thrown all over the front door. The ones either side didn't have any ant powder thrown at their doors so we asked couldn't we have one of those chalets instead? After all, it was going to look really nice, wasn't it? Having ant powder all over our door spoiling our holiday snaps.'

What the FUCKING fuck is wrong with some people? shock

I must go to Turkey and Tinsel at Pontins!
It sounds fantastically --shite.

Pagwatch Fri 18-Mar-11 14:13:08

" I was surprised by the ruddiness of the staff"


manfromCUK Fri 18-Mar-11 14:13:52

luckily they got a glow in the dark puppet show at the last minute.

'kin 'ell that was lucky - wonder why they weren't fully booked years in advance?

Green chunks of snot?

That sounds like Malaysia. I just luurved being woken by hacking uphmm

FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 14:15:26

'They force you to play musical chairs'

This alone, demonstrates why it is always a good idea to take a shotgun in your suitcase. Just to be on the safe side.

SoupDragon Fri 18-Mar-11 14:15:27

"However, this years holiday was marred by the events of our last full day. We had read in reviews and were warned whilst there about a spate of bag thefts from round the pool. We had 1 safe in which we stored all our party's passports, money, cameras, etc. But my camera, being quite bulky wouldn't fit so I hid it out of sight in a drawer. At 1 o'clock, the lunchtime buffet opened and the usual stampede ensued. I left my bag underneath my sunbed by the pool. In the 20 minutes I was away, somebody took my bag which contained an iPod and about 100 euros in cash, and the room key. They then went up to our room and went through the cases, drawers etc, taking my camera, 2 watches, jewellery, sunglasses, etc, left the room key on the floor, and disappeared"

What sort of fuck wit reads reviews about bag thefts and then leaves their bag, containing valuables and the room key, under their sunbed??

Thingumy Fri 18-Mar-11 14:16:57

“not that bad and i am a snob”

Pontins review


The same sort of fuckwit who 'hides' something in a drawer.

jaggythistle Fri 18-Mar-11 14:19:23

i have nearly woken my DS up from his nap on my knee about 3 times already with giggles. lovely thread. grin

i am just envy that i can't play because I'm on my phone with no copy and pasteability.

AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 14:19:44

Reading some of these reviews, it's a miracle the human race continues to exist, considering how many fuckwits there are out there

Thingumy Fri 18-Mar-11 14:19:58

Another Pontins review

stayed monday to friday ,2 club aparpements, reasonable ,kids had a great time ,shops and bars a bit pricey ,but a morrisons 2 miles away .very good value ,on special price .if you want a cheap holiday for the kids very good ,if you want 5star dont go .will say any child under 14 will love it ,lets face it your only sleeping in the chalets .some prices work out at less than 20 pound a head for 4 days

It's always worthwhile mentioning Morrisons in a holiday review I find.

Jins Fri 18-Mar-11 14:20:43

Staff unhelpful - I requested an iron and was told I had to come down to reception and fetch it myself. Not what I would expect for £85 a night.

funnily enough though I would expect the receptionist to stay at reception to help other guests rather than deliver irons

Thingumy Fri 18-Mar-11 14:22:11

we just retuned from pontins southport. our appartment was clean and tidy very basic though. the staff were vry helpful also the security guards were fantastic the food from the queen vic wasent that good but a sfc and chippy if you fancy a change. entainment good especally for the kids all in all you get what you pay for at pontins

Pleasing to read that the security guards were fantastic.

FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 14:22:41

This is reminding me of when we had a German au pair and we had a builder or plumber or someone working in the house. She said 'Ah goot - I vill ask him to mend my vindow.'

I said 'your window isn't broken. (It's an original wooden Victorian sash) and she said:

Yes it must be broken - it is too noisy and I don't like being voken up by dose noisy birds in ze morning.'

Pheasants. hmm _

MumsieNonna Fri 18-Mar-11 14:22:57

"i was wondering if you have to wear a wrist band at the wow bodrum as i was in the Dominican republic in the summer holidays last year and i thought the wrist bands were awful?"

"The staff at both the Papillon and St.Lucian were polite and alway's seem to have a smile.My toilet had a bit of a problem flushing from time to time. It's an ok "hotel" but next time I think I will seek out other places to stay,especially for the money."

"Can't remember any of the staff which is strange because we always have a good rapport with them and i remember staff from 1987 onwards."

"I love it when Brits go abroad and complain that there was no kettle and tea bags in the room - what do they call it? A hospitality tray?

It is a peculiar invention of the Brits. We don't do them on the continent unless we are catering specifically for Brits."

Um, it's slightly possible I did that when I went to Switzerland, not complained but asked if it would be possible to have tea making facilities in the room.
They said to call room service as often as I liked, with no charge. grin
I need my teablush

They didn't charge me for the missing bottle of Bud or pack of nuts from the mini bar either, oh and I didn't pay for the rest of it as I won it on here. <jammy bitch>grin

LadyThompson Fri 18-Mar-11 14:23:41

Franchement, the bleepers go off for me when someone says '20 pound' instead of '20 pounds'

manfromCUK Fri 18-Mar-11 14:25:06

Staff unhelpful - I requested an iron and was told I had to come down to reception and fetch it myself. Not what I would expect for £85 a night.
Yeah for 85 sheets they should bring it on flippin gold pillow, or better still, send a sedan chair with 8 bearers so you can get it from reception yourself.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 18-Mar-11 14:25:14

jaggythistle I thought I couldn't on my phone - but I can. If you can select text, you can copy it. Then to paste, hold your finger a bit longer on the "Add your message here" text box and you should get an option to paste.

Jins Fri 18-Mar-11 14:25:44

I. am currently staying at the Adelphi. I. have asked to speak to the manager but as yet nothing. I. am a disabled person using a wheelchair. I. belong to several national disability organisations and have stayed in hotels throughout the uk. It is many years since I have been so humiliated and so injured by the experience of the last 24 hours. Movement in out and aroumd the hptel is cpntrolled by the availability of staff. I have sat outside in the cold for mins each time and am now ill as a consequence. Once in there have been further long waits for the man wih the key to operate the disability lifts. The one outside Jennys does not work. initially my weight was blamed. myself and my powerchair are 100kgs less than the max capacity. my chair is heavy I NOT. consequently I could not access breakfast. the other two disability lifts worked in a heath robinson manner and I required supervisipn. service lifts were tempramental and required staff to run up and down stairs to press call buttons. I. have dreaded leaving my room to engage in these arduous treks through kitchens, back areas amd places I. should not be as a guest. I have not however been a guest, just an object to be moved from a to b via n t and y. My saving grace has been Alex the porter who has been kindness and care in all of our treks around the back lanes of the adelphi. My thanks to him for his professionalism. I. dread Sunday morning as it is not his shift! My advice to disabled travellers is prepare fpr a trip back in time to 1914 when we were depemdent bags of potatoes who spent life incarcerated silently in Institutipns that kept us out of the public eye or in the Adelphis case out in the cold. Thankfully we now have rights and access to redress.

This one isn't funny really - it's more of a cry for help

Jins Fri 18-Mar-11 14:31:52

The Adlephi in Liverpool is a positive goldmine for negative reviews

We visited on christmas day and we paid £45 per head for 5 of us.The meal was not worth the amount it cost,and it was badly organised.We was greeted and taken to our table then we was given a choice of starter which was ok.For our main course we had to queue up,for either beef or turkey,which was ok but a mouse would of needed more,then we had to choose our own veg which was very poor and cold.The choice was limited and my son who doesnt like carrot and turnip,there was no alternative and they served cauliflower cheese,which in our opinion is not suitable with a christams dinner!! The dessert was poor too,the profiroles were hard and dry.The quality of the christmas crackers on the tables well,i would say poundland had better crackers!! There was no atmosphere either,not even any background music!! Santa came around as we ate our meal,and he looked pig sick too along with his elf!! After our meal we tried to round the day off with some drinks but we wasnt allowed to stay in the same room so we went to another part of the hotel,which was cold and draughty and we was the only 5 people in there! I am sorry but the adelphi did not live up to our expectations and we will not be returning next christmas.

LaWeasel Fri 18-Mar-11 14:33:02

"We stayed at this hotel for eight nights and were told we would receive a continental breakfast each morning. We were disgusted to learn that the continental breakfast we were served consisted of coffee, juice and three types of "mini donuts". When I complained to the non English speaking staff member at the front counter, he told me that this is what continental breakfast normally consists of. Well, I know from staying at various other hotels, that this is not the case. In fact, we've always been served toast, waffles, sometimes, bacon and eggs, etc. The staff was supposed to direct us to our time share presentation but didn't have a clue where this was taking place or any other directions we asked about, locally. The pool was nice; they said the pool hours were until 9:00pm, however, we were in there until 11:00 because the gates were never locked so feel free to ignore closing pool hours. By the way, at night, there is only one staff member at the desk. Parking lot is never full, therefore, setting the mood that this place would not be one's first choice to stay at."

Donuts for breakfast is at least as continental as waffles and bacon and eggs! No?

CloudsOfWitness Fri 18-Mar-11 14:34:45

Karen was clearly only going for those long walks 'collecting rocks' to ESCAPE from review writing man, tbh.

hotel setting is 2nd to none.this is the only good thing about this hotel. the rooms are very basic but not well hot water for the showers.the food is absolute rubbish certainly don't cater for the english. had to queue like school at mealtimes as the dining room is so small with about 50 tables in a hotel that holds at least 2'000 ppl.the only decent meal was breakfast thats if you could find cutlery or crockery to eat with.other meals were awful that is if you could get anything at all more often than not it was meat (rationed)with no pots or veg cos there was'nt any or veg without meat.potato's of any description were hard to get cos they are'nt served with all seating area's round the pool if you want a drink or to socialize. the bar also stops seving drinks at 10.30 if they have anything to serve. this was supposed to be all inclusive. so it is definatley not value for money. i would definatley recommend cancun for a holiday but not this hotel. it'smore like a prison camp than a hotel complex.

grin at rationed meat!

jaggythistle Fri 18-Mar-11 14:34:48


jenai thank you, but i can't even select stuff. boo!

I'll just keep reading all these wee gems!

CloudsOfWitness Fri 18-Mar-11 14:37:56

Cancun again!

I forgat there is no beach area, it is so discusting and dirty and smells too. The only people that made our stay okay was these three guys, Tedeo, Batsy and Chicken. They were sweet and funny and very respectful.


jaggythistle Fri 18-Mar-11 14:38:57

rationed meat and no veg and pots! surely you can expect these in Cancun.

CloudsOfWitness Fri 18-Mar-11 14:40:13

One review for a particularly crap looking hotel is just called 'Mexican Boredom' grin

AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 14:41:15

reviews for here, which is a camp, in the middle of the Kruger National Park, which is filled with animals and everything

"The rooms were somewhat clean, spiderwebs hanging all over the ceiling (didn't know what was going to crawl on us at night), ant problem in the bathroom, etc."
"with spiders and ants."

What the bloody hell do you expect being in the middle of the bush?

We stayed there and found two small rodents living in the shower but a) you're in the middle of a huge national park, wildlife is expected b) they were cleared out by the staff pretty quickly

CloudsOfWitness Fri 18-Mar-11 14:41:26

It's true, I do think Mexican food=meat, veg and pots.

The disappointment must have been hard to bear!

CloudsOfWitness Fri 18-Mar-11 14:43:15

But, but, WILDLIFE, Abs! I always go on holiday and stay in a hermetically sealed unit, myself.

Jins Fri 18-Mar-11 14:44:23

once in the room we decided to have a cup of tea so filled the kettle with fresh water but then a smell off urine filled the room when the kettle boiled so i unplugged it ready to take down to reception,


AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 14:45:05

Obviously the wildlife didn't get the memo that they're supposed to stay outside the accomodation areas. Pscha

yonker Fri 18-Mar-11 14:45:46

A shortened version from a Saga holiday near Naples

went with Saga all inclusive/ one of the worst holidays have ever been on. No entertainment, a pool table with only one cue which you had to put your name down the day before to play.

The village nearby was a red light district and extremely rough, we were told by the police not to walk there after being propositioned half a dozen times by men in cars. The marina just outside the village was this horrible filthy place with no boats but several dead bodies of animals floating about. The prostitutes were everywhere around that area, unlike ours they had a chair to sit on, we first spotted one coming out of the bushes wiping herself down, at first we were all amazed, this was on the main road to Naples.

We didn't go to Naples, Saga expected us to go for nightlife, but we were arned not to. Some went on a day trip and finished up going round on a tour bus the whole day till the coach came to pick them up, it was so rough they darn't get off.

grin at riding around on the bus all day too scared to get off, Naples is a bit dodgy in places but not that bad.

omnishambles Fri 18-Mar-11 14:48:10

'The door to our room had been kicked in before.

The "Continental Breakfast" consisted of stale, ancient individually wrapped lil' debbie snacky-cakes of some sort, and coffee that tasted like lukewarm dirtwater. It was tastefully served in the pool maintenance room.

There was gang activity on the streets at night when we were getting back from the parks. The walk is long, and along very dark streets. I saw several packs of young gang-bangers, and they were not looking to do good deeds. Several of the last gang tore fronds off of palm plants and were whacking cars with them as they walked along. Not good. Not good at all.

The homeless people that were asking for money the second we got out of our room was bad. I do feel for them, I really do. But it was insanity. And when there was finally a schizophrenic transvestite standing outside the hotel on the corner talking to him/herself in a very, very loud voice, I just got incredibly annoyed and terrified at the same time.

The walk is looooooooooooooooong to get to the parks. Don't believe their lies that it's "directly behind DCA". That is just an out-and-out lie. Period. And as I stated earlier, the homeless and the schizophrenic transvestite were there during the DAY. At night, you are literally looking all around you as you find your way back along dark, scary streets with no cops around and tons of people who would gladly do something bad to you just to entertain themselves.'

There is more of this review but am hiding under my work desk to scare to post it <gibbers>

omnishambles Fri 18-Mar-11 14:49:11

too scared doh

omnishambles Fri 18-Mar-11 14:52:19

And I'll give a Wispa to the first person who can guess this person's nationality:

'You would be real tired if you walked from this place to Disneyland, over a half of mile walk.'

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 14:53:12

I saw several packs of young gang-bangers, and they were not looking to do good deeds. Several of the last gang tore fronds off of palm plants and were whacking cars with them as they walked along.

Bastard tree maimer gang-bangers. bet they were Spanish

allsquareknickersnofurcoat Fri 18-Mar-11 14:53:21

weyhey, just spotted its now in classics!

a toast...
wine wine wine

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 14:53:56

The Spanish and the prostitutes don't come off well on Trip Advisor. Shame.

FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 14:54:23

<arf> at the 'Gang-Bangers' out to terrorise the locals by hitting cars with leaves.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 14:55:04

At least the Italian prostitutes have the decency to wipe themselves down after a little sojourn in the bushes. Different gravy.

Iklboo Fri 18-Mar-11 14:56:04

I can't remember which hotel it was, but it was one in London. The reviewer was going on about the mafia trying to break into their room first thing in the morning. From the way they described what had happened I couldn't help thinking 'Er, that would have been housekeeping, love'.

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 14:56:21

o.k off to the pool now for some seriouse sunbathing, not too bad, good clean pool area , and pool, poolside bar , same drinks , fanta, coke, beer, or the cocktail of the day, and as many cigarettes as you could smoke , I dont smoke , my wife ,and boy does'nt , but we all did most of the day by the pool , as everyone around us was , so we just had to passively join in, great , we were like kippers at the end of day, well smoked.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 18-Mar-11 14:58:07

Free fags? Where is this place?!?!

Pagwatch Fri 18-Mar-11 14:58:35

I am not sure about the whole prostitutes in chairs thing

On the one hand it shows forward planning but on the other, a shocking lack of enthusiasm.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 14:59:31

Lazy prossies. Not on. I like my holiday prossies to have a bit of gumption, like that dille.

QuickLookBusy Fri 18-Mar-11 14:59:35

I am crying with laughter and the dog is worried about me.

Soupdragon you have a moral duty to name and shame the suicide hotel, then we can avoid at all costs.

yonker Fri 18-Mar-11 15:00:12

From review titled 'Treated like scum'

...we were 14 guys from England on a stag doo....We had all had breakfast and were drinking by the pool. There was another large group of English lads who had just arrived that morning (also on a stag doo) who were also getting the beers in. The 2 groups started to integrate a little and so after a while there was a rather large group of lads getting drunk together, in good humour. No abuse was directed at staff or any other guests, we were all just in good spirits getting drunk in the sun.
A football was flying around at one point, but once told off regarding this, it was put away. There was a wee bit of football chanting, which I know can sound a bit intimidating to others, but like with the football, if told to stop, we would've done. One guy from our group DID get naked at one point and jumped in the pool, but that was the worst thing that happened and once we told him to sort it out, he did....

Police were called and the stag 'doo' were eventually escorted to their rooms and then out of the hotel - review ends with

....Never before have I been so humiliated!
I know the English don't have the best repuation abroad, but the treatment we received at this hotel was as if we were animals!.

Really must stop looking at these and go and doo something

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 15:01:56

There was a wee bit of football chanting

God, most other people are complaining of no music round the pool. Can't please some people

AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 15:06:48

I know. Who wouldn't want nearly 30 drunk men singing football chants at their hotel? Particularly when they start stripping naked and jumping in the pool. At breakfast

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 15:07:30

I can't decide between that holiday and the turkey and tinsel at Pontins.

yonker Fri 18-Mar-11 15:08:05

Judging by the other reviews I am beginning to think the stag doo was treated a bit harshly -

..If you are a fimily group DO NOT CONSIDER THIS HOTEL. other behaviour observed was several drunk individauls playing with themselves naked over the balcony at 6pm in the evening,

AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 15:08:06

STOP it Dillie, I mean Hully. I'm at work. I shouldn't be sniggering this much

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 15:10:04

grin @ yonker

Pagwatch Fri 18-Mar-11 15:16:08

It's a sorry state of affairs when the blokes on the balcony are showing more gumption than the idle hookers.

I wouldn't go there.

LessNarkyPuffin Fri 18-Mar-11 15:16:11

At 6 PM. How terribly gauche.

LtEveDallas Fri 18-Mar-11 15:17:35

Had to do some work - but ooooh I want to stay here:

"Stayed here for a couple of nights and the main hotel is good but the surrounding area and apartment blocks should be avoided. Our apartment block doubled up at a Moldovian Embassy in the daytime. The gardens out the front of our hotel doubled up as a hobo-hangout come the evening....there were about 10 homeless looking men fighting and drinking JB Whiskey from brown paper bags. Very nice. It rained on the Saturday night so they all came and sat in our unmanned reception area with the stray cats"

(I quite like JB Whiskey)

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 15:20:10

"Went on a hen weekend - apartments ok but full of drunken english stag and hen parties. hmm

Not somewhere I'd recommend - especially not for children as some of the antics by the pool were entirely inappropriate and not behaviour I'd like my children to see."

"I would'nt have anything to eat because the food did not look very appertising. also they are up a steep hill which is not very convenient when you have been in the wooky until 2 in the morning"

In the wooky?????

TandB Fri 18-Mar-11 15:20:45


[falls of chair onto floor crying with laughter]

TandB Fri 18-Mar-11 15:21:35

Oh gawd, I missed "in the wooky"

[Considers ROFLing but is, in fact already rolling on the floor]

I want to know what a wooky is?confused

AlistairSim Fri 18-Mar-11 15:22:31

"What a very depressing day trip. Not what I go on vacation for."

(Optional day trip to Death Railway, Thailand.)

You don't say....

AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 15:23:16

Being in a hen party and complaining about the accomodation being full of hen parties? Erm, pot, kettle?

omnishambles Fri 18-Mar-11 15:24:40

Maybe she means wookie and shes been taking Chewie up the arse all evening.

TandB Fri 18-Mar-11 15:25:23

Sorry. Still snorting tea everywhere and muttering "in the wooky".

Can't move on....

TandB Fri 18-Mar-11 15:25:52

shock Omnishambles! And I thought you were NICE!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 18-Mar-11 15:26:35

Good grief Sim, that's priceless.

AlistairSim Fri 18-Mar-11 15:29:18

I think thers's a clue in the title.

And although I find trains dull, I don't think it was 'railway'.

People, eh?
They're fucking everywhere.

TandB Fri 18-Mar-11 15:29:22

If you google funny tripadvisor reviews there is a link to their own blog with highlights. I liked this one from the management responses section:

From a management response to a bad review:

So now according to your complaint, this dead bird walked into one of your rooms, turned into a rat, then a bat and died again.


I make no apologies for the lilac colour in the room....after all the room is called "The lilac room" so what colour do you expect .... I have checked the paint tin and it definitely says lilac not 'terrible lilac'.

To avoid further disappointments, please note that "The red room" is red and "The coral room" is coral. If you want luminous we suggest you book the 'Mark Rothko room' which is painted in bright orange.

AlistairSim Fri 18-Mar-11 15:30:52


For fucks sake, I better go and write a review.

2plus2more Fri 18-Mar-11 15:32:24

In addition to the appalling noise and rudeness from reception I attempted to leave the room and found both lifts were occupied by maintenance men who deliberately occupied the lifts for 15 mins. I called reception on my mobile to explain I was unable to walk down the stairs as my luggage was too heavy. I was told they would make sure a lift became free. The same workmen rode up and down in the lift without a pause. As a result of this 15 minutes of kidnapping, I missed my train connection.

Don't you just hate it when someone kidnaps a lift? grin

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 18-Mar-11 15:34:49

Maybe they thought it was some kind of amusement park ride, Sim confused

grin @ "terrible lilac".

TandB Fri 18-Mar-11 15:35:17

""Imagine awakening at 4:00 am to the sound of loud footsteps in the stairwell, only to realize that someone is drunk and knocking on your hotel door saying, ''s me. Let me in, Beaver.'"

AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 15:36:33

Jasmine resort in Turkey "A couple of days we were unable to get sunbeds round the pool so had to resort to using the beach"


Poor souls. Imagine having to go to the beach

Pagwatch Fri 18-Mar-11 15:37:41

Arf at lost beaver.

TandB Fri 18-Mar-11 15:38:15

"The neighborhood is filled with aggressive mimes, including one sitting on a toilet bowl (how creative). Room cards are changed for no reason and you cannot understand why you can't get into your room. All in all it was a very unpleasant stay."

ShirleyKnot Fri 18-Mar-11 15:39:40

What a terrible place. We book with Thomas cook for a week cost us nearly 2 grand. The service and food was so bad you can’t tell. I spoke to rep with total of 22 point

1- No hot water-
no tissue for diner
3 you have to eat with dirty cutlery
4 glass can take only 100 ml of water and they include 2 cube of ice and selling it for 2.5 Euros
5 cornflake in the morning, no, rubber instead
6 bets of all Go-cart track next to hotel and run till 12.30 in the morning
7 Dog in reception and dinning aria wondering around and waitresses play with them
8 open surge
9 nail in public place
all in all --- place to go

This is surge. The contributed of this is from the UK and 4, FOUR people found this revie helpful.

Pagwatch Fri 18-Mar-11 15:41:20

<<cries with laughter at aggressive mimes>>

TandB Fri 18-Mar-11 15:41:20

This one

Plenty of monkeys!? What every swimming pool needs!

mippy Fri 18-Mar-11 15:41:42

"I have just been on a New Year Jolly Boys/Girls at Pakefield. This is not my first time and will not be the last. A great time was had by all. The entertainment (Four Tops) was good and the Fosters was the best I have ever had."

OK, does Fosters vary from place to place, like they say Guinness does in Ireland?

"During the last four decades we have mainly visited Blackpool, and then did the Dolphin in Brixham which burnt down, Also, South Devon which then became the Torbay Chalet, and Barton Hall which was actually owned by Fred Pontins and is now a PLG centre.

We have recently stayed at Wall Park in Brixham on a Sun Holiday as we live in Devon, this centre is reasonable, and also Prestatyn last May 2006 which was disappointing, it was like a housing estate and the entertainment complex smelt damp and foisty. "

And the puppet show is a hit:

"I've been coming here for fishing week for 8 years and i am now 16, it’s the best holiday ever and I and my mates gave the bluecoats a good laugh by doing the party dances! (I AM THE MIMIC MAN) We have a good laugh with the PGL staff and have noticed how they seem to tape the cabaret and play them in the lobby the rest of the week.

We love the neon puppet shows and Kicks and Tricks and wouldn’t dream of going anywhere else, Colin is a really dudey bluecoat and didnt realise he'd been pegged. My mates were moaning bout the 'old' cabaret but mowtown is better than rap any day!

Can’t wait till next year, when I was little I was convinced I wanted to be a bluecoat when I grew up, kind of changed my mind but I wouldn’t mind doing PGL lol. I get so depressed when I have to go home (mainly because I’m leaving someone behind).

The highlights of the week are usually some thing really random like having a spider called Harry up in the corner and feeding it a cranefly called piccalilli. The people here are so friendly its unreal and 2p machines ROCK! "

The comment about leaving someone behind reminds me of when I went to Pontins when I was 15, with my friend's family (they went about four times a year) and she ended up seeing a Scots boy who was banned from later coming to visit as he went to a 'residential school'. (I thought that's just what Scots called boarding schools at the time.) Midway through the week, her boyfriend cycled the 30 miles up to see her which made things pretty difficult for the holiday boy.

LaWeasel Fri 18-Mar-11 15:42:02

ARR at aggressive mimes and open surge!

LessNarkyPuffin Fri 18-Mar-11 15:44:18

grin at 'aggressive mimes.'

ShirleyKnot confused Is it possibly some form of stream of consciousness poem similar to a haiku?

springbokdoc Fri 18-Mar-11 15:46:49

Ok I'm going to go back to the one review where his mum died. I just can't get past the thinking...

"Oh my mom has just died, how terrible, completely grief stricken... Now can I get wifi as must go on tripadvisor and warn the people"

The death railway wasn't uplifting? next you'll tell me auschwitz isn't full of hugs and puppies.

Don't hotels get extra stars awarded for providing an open surge?

ShirleyKnot Fri 18-Mar-11 15:59:26

Nail in public place as well BIWI.

To be fair who wants rubber for breakfast instead of cornflakes?

No one. That's who.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 16:01:00

in the wooky

open surge


Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 16:03:13

Kungfu - suffocated by Maureen and Roger in the morning.

Just what you want on your hols.

Pagwatch Fri 18-Mar-11 16:03:28

An open surge sounds like an emergency medical procedure.

AbsDuCroissant Fri 18-Mar-11 16:04:25

I would love to know who was finding that review useful.

Gabby Loggon?

LessNarkyPuffin Fri 18-Mar-11 16:05:29

I quite like a nice 'dinning aria'.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 16:05:58

I dunno Shirl, I like a bit of rubber of a morning

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 16:07:21

There are two employees that dress up like flinstones and smash clubs off the ground next to sleeping guests as a joke. People were getting quite upset with this.

God, some people just don't know how to enjoy themselves.

TandB Fri 18-Mar-11 16:08:29

Ah, Hully - you have found the tripadvisor blog - I rather liked the flinstones one too!

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 16:08:58


I love TripAdvisor and use your site frequently.

Unfortunately, it appears that you are not immune to such tomfoolery that it one of the main factors driving healthcare costs and that will hinder any attempts at reform.

It's a shame you have been forced to add such a disclaimer:

"This review is the subjective opinion of a TripAdvisor member and not of TripAdvisor LLC."

I'm sure there's at least one demoralizing story that led to this addition.

Keep up the good work.


MumsieNonna Fri 18-Mar-11 16:09:58

This from a Brit in London...
"Hi folks
My husband an I will be staying at SMB [Mexico] in August for two weeks and need help planning a few excursions. We think Tulum ruins would be perfect but are a bit stuck for further ideas. Im pretty much scared of everything- fish, lizards, butterflys, flying etc etc (Im a wimp!). It goes without saying I dont like having to battle through vegetation as this usually hides creatures! What else could we do that would would you recommend we AVOID!"

Hmm... a holiday abroad?

NunOnTheRun Fri 18-Mar-11 16:10:18

@Jins: Thankyou grin

"..Santa came around as we ate our meal,and he looked pig sick too along with his elf!! .."

GORGEOUSX Fri 18-Mar-11 16:20:08

I would say YANBU to disregard those posts - except maybe to consider going there if they don't speak English and the food is authentic. grin

VivaLeBeaver Fri 18-Mar-11 16:20:14

Well ignore their reviews by all means but I for one wouldn't want to go to the type of establishment where the other clients are teh sort of people who put "wayter" instead of waiter.

MumsieNonna Fri 18-Mar-11 16:23:06

"We had been in cafe b till early hours,the next morning my wife was still hung over and wanted to stay in bed, i was starving and thought i would get the bus into Beni and get a breakfast at the Wookie,I got to the Bus stop, and at that time the Bus fare was 1 Euro,all I had on me was a 50 Euro note, and a 1 Euro piece, i had the euro in my hand ready to pay for the Bus,when this middle aged lady approached me, and started to speak to me in Spanish,I tried to explain to her that I did not understand Spanish, when she put both her hands to her right cheek trying to tell me she wanted to sleep with me,so i held the 1 Euro out to show her that is all I had, she must have thought i was offering her 1 Euro to sleep with her because she started screaming at me, and hitting me with her handbag, I had to flee back into the Monika to get away."

Ah so the Wookie is in 'Beni' and was that was Dillie on the bus?

Jins Fri 18-Mar-11 16:26:23
Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 16:26:27

The thick plotens...

Where is hustler, eh? eh?

Jins Fri 18-Mar-11 16:28:12
Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 16:28:17

<gives Jins a big kiss>

I thoroughly recommend this evening at The Wooky

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 16:29:45

The Wooky - who knew?

Jins Fri 18-Mar-11 16:30:19

It gets better all the time. Hulls kisses and karaoke

<throws caution to the wind and googles First Choice>

MumsieNonna Fri 18-Mar-11 16:34:47

Oh fuck at the Wooky Hollow

FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 16:35:44

I'm moving onwards and upward now, to Leaving no stone unturned in my quest for amusing revies.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 16:38:51


gotta go out.

FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 16:42:02

what is rah? confused

An improbable skin condition caused by the lack of umbereials, I think

FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 16:44:48

Here you are Pag. [[ these prossies] have got a bit more get up and go to 'em.

FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 16:45:55

That didn't work. Try again. How do you just cut and paste a bit of text straight to the thread, reather than cut and paste the whole link? I can't do it. sad

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 18-Mar-11 16:50:33

You missed a ] off the end, Fellatio.

these prossies

FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 17:00:18

Thank you. How is everyone just pasting bits of text?

I'm starting to feel a bit disappointed at the lack of highly visible prostitutes in all my holidays to date.

I got mistaken for a high class call-girl when I was loitering wating for my DH on the front steps of the Dorchester in Park Lane once. I was propositioned by a very handsome Arab man in his chaffeur driven Range Rover. grin

FellatioNelson Fri 18-Mar-11 17:07:58

I'm fascintated by this one:

Despite the many bad reports on this hotel the management have not found it necessary to change a thing. We have just returned, and the barman is still miserable and rude, the pool loungers are still scarce, the food still inadequate, and the all-inclusive is still a total joke.

Then why go back? confused

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 17:08:53

Is it only me that is upset that the Wooky is a place!

WillYouDoTheDangFanjo Fri 18-Mar-11 17:31:56

"When you step off the bus, it is like being mauled by a giant mound of sick. You can taste it as you walk past people queing up for Planet Dance. You expect something at least, a little decent looking at the website, no no no... when you get into the place, the feeling is the same as it would be if you accidentally shot a dog and ended it's life."

Thank you, Portofino, I have just read that out to my husband at a speed of one word every 3 seconds in a strangled voice with tears pouring out of my tiny, screwy eyes. I don't know if I will make it past page 3 of this thread.

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 17:45:22

You are most welcome. I have already booked!

SoupDragon Fri 18-Mar-11 18:13:36

I have actually stayed in the suicide hotel, albeit many many years ago. TBH I can sympathise with the poor man who jumped.

eltompo Fri 18-Mar-11 18:21:14

There are two employees that dress up like flinstones and smash clubs off the ground next to sleeping guests as a joke. People were getting quite upset with this.


Pagwatch Fri 18-Mar-11 18:31:21

I am expecting new found respect from my dh when I am able to give him top quality prissie info.
I would like to think that at a 5star hotel the prostitutes have nice teak garden chairs.
Those white plastic ones never look terribly sturdy.

And when he asks me where I got my info I will be able to tell him" fellatio"

I can't see how that hotel makes money though if everyone gets free hard core porn. It must be a loss leader.

Pagwatch Fri 18-Mar-11 18:32:13

Prissie isn't a very good alternative to prozzie.

SoupDragon Fri 18-Mar-11 18:33:46

"girls, keep hold of your partners too!!! you get these girls who are basically tarts and are on a mission to sleep with men who are on holiday with there partners, bizzarre i know!! but for some reason they think its a way of life because they are basically little tarts who try to split ppl up, some of them succeed others dont!! be carefull!! i know from personal experience!! but no it didnt succeed lol!!! anything you want to know just ask!! theres absoloutley loads of things to tell but my fingers are hurting off typing!! oh gotta try the best restaurant in rhodes its on your way from the apartments to the town and begins with an A!! its really nice there. dont go to roumelii's and keep away from the man at the door because hes a slimeball and tries to flirt to get you in!!

so any other questions just ask!!!

holiday was really good, could have been a bit closer to the beach but the pool area was nice to sit around so im not complaining!!

no germans so you can easily get sun loungers during day!!! gotta try pina colada mmmm really nice!!"

All those exclamation marks!!!

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 18:41:15

To return to CallyMary of yore, I have a very sweet friend who hovers at the lower end of the bright spectrum, who told me of her puzzlement on Greek holiday.

Every morning, she said, I'd come down for breakfast and everyone would offer squid, I would always smile and shake my head and pull a yuk face and then towards the end of the fortnight when I'd got in the spirit, I thought oh fuck it, I'll go native and have the damn squid breakfast.

I just couldn't tell her.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 18-Mar-11 18:58:41

I don't get it, Hully [fick]!

The ! Was for soupy btw!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 18-Mar-11 19:00:27

Fuck it. Have another one.

Hullygully Fri 18-Mar-11 19:00:31

Sorry, Jenai.

The Greek for good morning is Kalimera. The word for squid is Calimari.

ensure Fri 18-Mar-11 19:06:23

Beaver has just made me cry.

Pagwatch Fri 18-Mar-11 19:09:53

This whole thread is fab.

I will read it when dd has buggered off to bed. David tenant is on the the Telly and it is too exciting for words. But now there is eye gunk ....


nikki1978 Fri 18-Mar-11 19:15:17

Are you getting these from this website

Will be spending some time this evening having a laugh over these grin

laughalot Fri 18-Mar-11 19:15:19

Try working in a travel agent I hear it all !! You never told me it would rain, my apartment never had a washing machine. The best one was a woman the other week she came in with her dog and this is how the conversation went.

Her: Want to go on holiday duck do you know about doggy passports

Me: No its not something I deal with but I can try anf dind out which airlines do carry pets

Her: Can you not sort my dogs paasport out then

Me: No I cant and I seem to be struggling to find a carrier who will take you and your dog abroad

Her: Can I see ya boss duck

Me: Yes of course

My boss: Hi whats the problem

Her: This girl hmm im 32 cant sort me and the dog out and I promised him a holiday

Me: Promised the dog a holiday wtf ? Nips to sop on way home to by a bottle of wine

laughalot Fri 18-Mar-11 19:17:09

Goodness maybe I shouldnt have had that glass of wine whilst I was typing excuse spelling.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Fri 18-Mar-11 19:42:13

Thank you, Hully.

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 20:04:20

She promised the DOG a holiday????

MrsChemist Fri 18-Mar-11 20:09:08

"You would get cleaner rooms , better meals and friendlier staff at auschwitz"

Really? Really? shock

AprilMeadow Fri 18-Mar-11 20:09:22

You've got to love a 'good' holiday review!!

My dh set up HolidayWatchdog and ran it for 4 years before we sold it and we had such fun reading through what people thought were 'helpful' reviews. We did have a very strict policy on what was allowed on the site so as not to get ourselves into legal trouble.

HW had a few rules for what got posted.. Had to be in lower case as loads of reviews came through in caps as if to try and get their point across better. Text speak was not allowed, nor were 1 line reviews as they are not helpful!

Reading through some of your posts have really made me chuckle

laughalot Fri 18-Mar-11 20:10:13

The dog !!!!

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 20:14:09

April, that is exciting! Please tell me you are now DOT.COM millionaires.....or at least that you don't have to go to any of these shitty places on your holibobs wink

springbokdoc Fri 18-Mar-11 20:43:04

MrsChemist - that actually got an out loud gasp. Damn you for waking my sleeping son

AprilMeadow Fri 18-Mar-11 20:55:11

Portofino..... I couldnt possibly say

Abr1de Fri 18-Mar-11 21:10:51

'"What a very depressing day trip. Not what I go on vacation for."

(Optional day trip to Death Railway, Thailand.)'

Ha ha ha!!!!

NunOnTheRun Fri 18-Mar-11 21:12:55


imho nothing can top your earlier post:

"..... there was a prostitute.* a prostitute who called herself dillie? saying she was waiting for her man she called hustler? * i was horrified having the thought of my children having to look at a half naked prostitute infront of me. *i felt like a falure father. *the prostitute wouldent stop fighting for the room eventhough it was ours, until we had to call the police to get her out....HORRIBLE PLACE TO STAY NEVER AGAIN DAMMIT. by the way there wer maggets and ants in my room. Lets just say that if I had to stay at this "hotel" or die................I would rather die."

The above would have made a great Samuel Beckett play, imo: Waiting for her man she called hustler wink

NunOnTheRun Fri 18-Mar-11 21:15:04

sorry I was trying to bold-type

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 22:09:49

Oh thank you for keeping this thread going whilst I have being skiving toiling at work! I have faceache from laughing and DH is looking at me like I am demented...

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 22:30:33

bupcakes, thank you for starting this thread. It has been very educational! I know now, never to go AI, and never ever to go to Benidorm or Bulgaria ever.

I looked at the TA advice for one of my stop off hotels en route to Siblu in July and it was only notable for how many times it was "alluded to" as opposed to actually coming out and saying the owners of the B&B are GAY. How very dare they!

FannyFifer Fri 18-Mar-11 22:32:24

Best thread ever, still laughing at in the wooky.

Portofino Fri 18-Mar-11 22:32:41

To give an example, someome said " Oh but this place is very straight-friendly TOO" WTF?

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 22:43:51

"this is the best place for making your life worse"

Oh my aching ribs...

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 23:18:40

Oh my god, I got a thread in MN Classics!

<crosses self>

yonker Fri 18-Mar-11 23:19:05

Off to bed now but just wanted to also say to bupcakes thanks for starting something that has given me the biggest laugh for a long time!

Portofino - I spent hours wondering what the wooky was - also disappointed in the extreme to find out it was just a place.

Dillie was the best one for me as well. Re the gay friendly places I read one review that said something along the lines off 'is it normal to keep your passports and copy them - me and my partner are same sex and I thought they may think it was odd and we were terrorists or something'

Thanks again bupcakes grin

bupcakesandcunting Fri 18-Mar-11 23:30:13

You're most welcome. Makes a change for me to start a thread that doesn't result in me being called a cunt grin

OldLadyKnowsNothing Fri 18-Mar-11 23:39:30

<resists temptation>

PinkToeNails Fri 18-Mar-11 23:48:15

This has made tears roll and my sides ache and ache. I should' ve gone to bed ages ago but couldn't stop reading. My fave was the father who felt like a falure.I'm also quite horrified by the discusting hole (?).

ComeAlongPond Sat 19-Mar-11 00:33:18

Staff unhelpful - I requested an iron and was told I had to come down to reception and fetch it myself. Not what I would expect for £85 a night.

Oh good lord. What hotel was this? My ex made the exact same complaint about a hotel.

muminthecity Sat 19-Mar-11 02:17:03

I love this thread so much. I actually want to book a holiday right now, just so I can revie it on Trip Advisor with all the other thickos! grin

PinkToeNails Sat 19-Mar-11 09:12:27

...and the guy who wants a hotel in Spain to be exclusively for Brits. Ban the Spanish for that authentic Spanish experience and under no circumstances serve any "pialla".

Portofino Sat 19-Mar-11 09:36:06

"Husband was only approached once by a "lady of the night" - he nearly had heart attack. "

"The woman on reception was taking lessons in rudeness off the manager and I think that she was about to graduate with a distinction. The maid was nice but could do with a job description that tells her she should clean the rooms now and again. Mind you she was probably hiding from Bulgarin Basil most of the time. "

bupcakesandcunting Sat 19-Mar-11 13:25:24

Bulgarin Basil ha ha ha ha! Oh my poor ribs...

SoupDragon Sat 19-Mar-11 15:04:43

"ZZZZ Hotel cuts off your tires”

Date of review: 2 Jun 2010
I have left my car parked on the sidewalk next to the ZZZZ Hotel and they cut off my tyres.
They are very offensive, malicious. I think it is dangerous to stay at their place."

SoupDragon Sat 19-Mar-11 15:07:55

"Located in what seems like a converted office block, the rooms have no windows to the outside world.

The bathroom has one dodgy drain, in the middle of the room, so the shower floods the entire space. Plus the small shower curtains mean you have a choice between soaking either the toilet paper or your towel while you wash.

While we were there, there was constant drilling in another part of the building that shook the walls and lasted from 8am til after 6pm.

The harried staff tried to do their best under the circumstances, except one receptionist, who seemed to be permanently having a screaming match with someone on the phone, which we could hear from our room.

At 50euros a night, I couldn't recommend this to anyone.
Liked — Leaving
Disliked — The lack of fresh air
Tips/Secrets — Don't always believe the guidebooks!"

Portofino Sat 19-Mar-11 15:36:18

"Apart from his appalling manner, his refusal to pay a plumber and his employing only one member of staff to be receptionist/car valet/handyman/porter you name it, is ridiculous. Even Fawlty Towers employed Polly as well as Manuel, and had one of its owner/managers there in the evenings! " Um you do know that was just a TV show right?

SoupDragon Sat 19-Mar-11 16:29:53

I just love the punctuation in this...

“if it wasn't free wouldn't of bothered”

Date of review: 23 Sep 2010
my parents got this holiday out of the paper and really only cost 40 squid for 4 days for 4 of us but for anyone who pays for a week with a family forget it the caravans are pokey wouldn't even swing a rat around the place beds are plastic mattresses which are ok if you know you are going to pee yourself in your sleep but for the non peeing guest uncomfortable the park is miles away from town town 9 quid with a taxi and the entertainment is to die for you will think of your own way to die and return home before you top yourself we hope it doesn't get to that so please don't stay for the singers they will kill the ear drums if not your will to live food was crap had to wat 1 hour in the bar for our food out of season so god help you if you are there during school hols but torquay lovely places to eat try number 7 fish restaurant -- must book not cheap but you willl leave like its the best money you spent or simla spice indian restaurant and for a hair cut for you men look up the groomroom you may have to wait 30-45 mins but well worth it and a day out would be living coasts if you don'yt have young kids

SoupDragon Sat 19-Mar-11 16:33:39

Here's a nice twist on the "too Spanish" kind of review

"The drinks promos and prizes for the kids only start when the English are off - if you're there at the start of the Scottish holidays you're wasting your time"

This is in the SW of England.

I have stayed in this hotel - the Agavi, in Positano in Italy, and it is one of the best, most stunning hotels I have ever had the privilege to stay in - and I have stayed in many top end hotels around the world, with my job.

I wonder exactly what went wrong for this person?

"The views from this hotel and the rooms are amazing but that may be one of the only things that make it a 5 star hotel. We spent two nights at the end of our nine day honeymoon. For starters we had to wait four hours before our room was ready. The room WAS NOT what you see on the website. The bed was so uncomfortable that I had to sleep on top of the cushions from the deck chairs. We had a terrible ant problem on the second day and it took four phone calls and a visit to the front desk before it was resolved. The only compensation was a bottle of champagne. The food at the hotel was great and the service at the bar by the ocean was great. Unfortunately it was a terrible way to end our honeymoon. I usually do not write bad reviews nor do I complain however this is just one of those times that i cannot get off my mind."

Wait time till the room was ready - depends when they arrived, which wasn't clear - you usually can't check into a hotel until after noon anyway

The bed was uncomfortable - this is a subjective thing, surely?

They had an ant problem - well, it was dealt with and they gave you a bottle of Champagne, which sounds pretty good to me.

Everything else was great - view, food, service - yet she cannot get it off her mind?!

Hee hee - this is a good game!

"Our main problem was the night guard who always seemed to catch us the one time during the night where we were moving from one room to another within our group. He reported us and we were threatened with an eviction warning 3 days before we were due to leave even though we didn't really do anything. So on the last night we took the p155 for funs!"

FellatioNelson Sat 19-Mar-11 17:59:05

That one is very useful SoupDragon. Whenever I'm booking a hotel it's always a major consideration to know the average waiting time in the local barbers....hmm

coastgirl Sat 19-Mar-11 19:30:35

For some of these you would love to see it from the staff's point of view:

"We recently visited this hotel as our friends had booked a room there. We went into the bar area and ordered a round of drinks. The receptionist was covering the bar as there was no bar staff available, she was been helped by a man called Richard. They were both struggling to provide us with a round of drinks, in the end Richard completely lost the plot and shouted at us to "Get out!". The receptionist asked us to have our drinks and leave. As we were having our drinks Richard came into the lounge area and started verbally attacking us and threatening to call the police (all this happened in front of four children aged between 6 and 8). Richard was obviously having a bad day, but he had no right to take it out on his customers. Our friends checked out immediately and found alternative accommodation. I wouldn't recommend this hotel to anyone!"

Abr1de Sat 19-Mar-11 20:36:23

'. The only compensation was a bottle of champagne. '

Do you ever get the impression that there are a lot of over-entitled people out there?

Portofino Sat 19-Mar-11 22:28:42

"We were then woken up at 6.30am by a 6'2'' man climbing into our bed - so 'out of his tree' that he didn't know where he was. When he dropped his trousers and got into bed, my wife escaped to the bathroom. He then promptly fell asleep next to me!"


MrsChemist Sun 20-Mar-11 09:05:29

I've a mental image of a man just lying awake the entire night, while a pissed stranger snores next to him.

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Mar-11 14:07:14

I love the way he knows he was 6'2". grin

bupcakesandcunting Sun 20-Mar-11 17:05:22

"Apart from the owner being charged with murder, Finding bullets in the pool, the food being absolutely dreadful, noisy on some nights, not having a bed sheet for cots, in stead we got towels for the cot & TO TOP IT OFF found BUGS IN THE COT! BUGS! my little baby has to sleep in that,! the staff wernt that brilliant either, and my eldest two children after 2 days were that sad they were wanting to actually go home. I wouldnt never ever ever go there again, I will defo return to turkey and Hisarou its self because its beautiful but I will never go to that hotel EVER again"

This was Turkey. Not in the Bronx as I thought after the first line.

CheerfulYank Sun 20-Mar-11 17:07:00

I'll go there! Do you think the 6'2" man is something they provide with your room fee?

Portofino Sun 20-Mar-11 17:26:23

"also kaaroke id give a miss anyday!!! i booked a song and went up no prbs then my mum booked a song and neever got called. someeonee else who booked after her went up and donee the song she picked and we never got called. we went to ask them and they said that that song was already done? we went bak the next week thinking that was a one of and this is the worst. i booked my song and i went up and done it and my sister who hadnt done a song yet booked a dong and said fo rme to go with her and that. this girl was called who was going to do the same song as us wasnt there soi wwent uo and explaained that we had booked that song earlier and asked me if i was this girl and i said no while having this conversation two girls(big -) were shouting they wwould do it. i said there not the girl either but we already booked this song. he then made me feel so urhhhhh he asked me to leave the stage. at this point me and my faamily went to our room."


bupcakesandcunting Sun 20-Mar-11 17:28:49

"two girls (big-)"


JuicyOlive Sun 20-Mar-11 17:38:19

Beware of chip fat wielding chefs on holiday:

"The complex has 2 spa's, one which we, the minions, could use for free and the other posher one, which had to be paid for. The posh one, Spa Club is beautiful, clean and modern and has to be paid for, the other one, Spa Sport, is less clean, less modern and OK if the weather's bad. We were given complimentary use of the Spa Club following a complaint to Thomsons after our daughter was sprayed with hot chip fat when a bad tempered chef took a dislike to her because she dared to asked for fresh, warm chips. "

bupcakesandcunting Sun 20-Mar-11 17:42:11

"been all over the world only to stay at the most disgusting hotel in my own country,ramada internationa shame on you. from bedbugs in the hotel to stuck in elevators to having crack whores nocking at my door at all hrs. never never never again.
stayed there for 2months while working for bantrel constructors but had to quit because of the disgusting living conditions. no wonder a fellow jumped form the ninth floor."

bupcakesandcunting Sun 20-Mar-11 17:47:18

Coconut shell pillows and mexican whores.

"Urgent Message: Please read now”

Date of review: 25 Feb 2005
3people found this review helpful
This hotel was clean and luckily they have very strong plumbing. Six of us went down for an "all inclusive vacation" 4 of the 6 got six of us got sick from the food. The quality of food was consistently the worst I have ever had. Out of the five nights we stayed we went out to dinner 3 times. Cold water did not exist. The bed was rock solid but that would have been okay if the pillow wasn't made out of coconut shells! The best part of our vacation was realizing how lucky we are to live in the states. To top off our last day of vacation, our husbands went to return our towels and were offered Mexican whores by the staff (Note: they declined the offer). Contrary to the staff's only English response "everything is very beautiful" we strongly disagree. IF YOU BOUGHT A CANCELLATION WAIVER USE IT NOW, I REPEAT USE IT NOW!!!"

I'd bet my bottom dollar that the DH did not decline and went in for an Acapulco handshake

Portofino Sun 20-Mar-11 17:53:05

LMAO at Acapulco Handshake

ensure Sun 20-Mar-11 18:12:15

We had a room overlooking the beach.
It was absolutely disgusting, I saw dogs fouling.

Yes, if I see a dog having a shit it often totally spoils my entire holiday too, I find.

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Mar-11 19:27:52

Portofino I am properly crying and wheezing (need my asthma pump - call an ambulance) at the Karaoke girl.

'He asked me to leave the stage.'

That's just priceless. Do you think some people realise that these are just supposed to be writing revies and not actual autobiographies? confused

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Mar-11 19:29:28

I can't stop. I'm making those strange Donald Duck noises in my throat now. shock

Portofino Sun 20-Mar-11 19:32:50

"great in every way apart from the lonsdale clad knuckle dragging english people from up north who seem to think its their right to chuck their St.Georges or Union Jack towel over the sun beds about 4 30 in the morning,and the gold chain wearing jelly eeled eating southerners with their wives who see the blonde off birds of a feather as someone to look up to,are just as bad. "

Do they do Jellied eels in Turkey?

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Mar-11 19:33:29

I've read it all again. I'm starting to feel quite sorry for her now. sad It's a tragic tale.

tiredemma Sun 20-Mar-11 19:35:54

"Stayed here as visiting Bath as a Northampton Saints Supporter to watch the Saints play - stayed here over the last four years and YES "Gone done Hill" BIG TIME!!!! Gosh where do I start............ Firstly we arrived a couldnt pay using the debit card machine "broken down" - can only pay by cash???? Was the guy telling the truth or was he going to pocket the money?? Give him the benefit of the doubt and paid up, but you will have to come back later to check in after 11am because the system can only check the other guests out first??? Did return completed the necessary booking in form. After a very long day ~(and yes we didnt win at Rugby either) drank in the bar at a local pub with some fantastic Bath Supporters for which we were really grateful for. On return to the hotel for "night cap" - no Brandy - no Baileys Cream. Went for a cup of coffee in the end - only to be made out of a Nescafe Sachet! - yummie - NOT. Returned to room to find no radiator working but a small eletric heater had been put in the room and left on!! - no windows opened - screwed shut (Health and Safety)!! Curtain hanging off the poles with gapping holes at the side that didnt block out the light, no socket near the dressing table to use a hairdryer, odd cups and saucers and a couple of sachets of coffee - things can only get better. BREAKFAST! - Diluted luke warm coffee served from a flask!!!!! joke and awful-re-labelled cereals-not branded makes, but you are made to beleieve they are, few pieces of curled up cheese and the most disgusting looking square shaped, water based ham you could ever imagine, strangely enough a basket containing tomato ketchup and mayonnaise sachets, so at this stage you are expecting bacon and the trimmings. Following the cereals a plate of curled up thin toast with a waitress wearing her jeans and coat saying "enjoy your meal" husband's face with a blank expression!!! So this is it then - after approaching her and asking for the rest of the breakfast - to be told no that is all you are getting - we dont do english breakfast! I asked to see the Manager - reply "we dont have one" Maybe the Mayonnaise is for your coffee in case milk supplies run low! We quickly left the warm curled up toast and went to Reception, guy behind the counter sitting in his jacket because there was not heating on and he looked like someone who had just walked in off the street - certainly not dressed for work - ~I told him how disappointing the stay was including the lack of choice behind the so called bar and when 'I asked the question "is this hotel in special measures" he replied ~"Yes" we cant afford to buy breakfast and the VAT increase has made it difficult and you dont always get breakfast - gosh "we were lucky" well, in his view, unlucky in ours! Left the key on reception and left - Would I return - NO NO NO - and if anyone is reading this review please plese have the common sense to avoid this "fawlty tower establishment" - Would i recommend to a friend - unfortunately we did and that has been a total embarrasment for us. If you read the history of this place apparently Tom Jones once had part ownership in it, that was along time ago - dont fall for it - ~TOM CAT wouldnt stay here let a lone Tom Jones! - Avoid Avoid Avoid !!!! Mrs G. Northampton "

Arf at 'special measures'

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Mar-11 19:37:22

That person hates Northerners and Southerners. He must be from Birmingham.

Portofino Sun 20-Mar-11 19:38:28

Experiencing the nightlife in Paris was a very important part of my trip, that was nearly ruined by my stay at this hotel. There is a sign that says that for security purposes the door to the hotel closes at midnight but to just ring the bell and they will open it for you. Well, that is not true. The man at the front desk REFUSED to open the door for my cousin and I when we tried to go to a club at 2 a.m. He told me that “it was TOO LATE FOR ME TO GO OUT and to just GO TO MY ROOM!” I’m 22 years old, not even my dad tells me to go to my room! I refused to go to my room and he literally pushed me and told me again to go to my room. He went on to tell me, “the hotel isn’t a WHORE HOUSE and you can’t go in and out at all hours of the night,” and “you’re lucky that you’re not a man because I would hit you!”


Portofino Sun 20-Mar-11 19:40:35

Fellatio - from Wales I think grin

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Mar-11 19:42:42

Oh I see. No wonder they just hate everyone English then. Mind you I'm usually quite proud to be English except when I go on holiday. shock

Portofino Sun 20-Mar-11 19:43:51

Wow no that is an adventure..
crack whores.. check
smoke..............check i think i have black lung now
scared wife.......check
only 200 for a Sat night.

who cares a place to crash after being drunk at casino's

Sounds classy!

I wrote a bad one once but there were people with no teeth sat in the bar and one of them had a rat on their shoulder...

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Mar-11 19:45:20

OMG - Porto where are you ^finding* these perfect specimens? That poor girl in Paris. shock

Georgimama Sun 20-Mar-11 19:59:40

This thread has got me making hideous happy pig noises. I actually sound like I'm being murdered.

Just for fun I looked up the lovely and bargainous hotel we stayed at in Venice a few years ago - some of the reviews are pretty old so contemporaneous with our stay. It was literally spitting distance from St Marks Square and less than £100 per night.

Several of the reviews complain about the size of the rooms. This is Venice, where many of the buildings date from the 15th century. Two reviews complained about the noise from the bells in the cathedral. And the continental breakfast was basic - only rolls, biscotti, coffee, orange juice, jam, honey, butter and croissants. Someone was sounding off because the waitress looked peeved when her husband asked for a third croissant.

I bet she did. Fat bastard.

bupcakesandcunting Sun 20-Mar-11 20:01:11

Link please, Bint!

LessNarkyPuffin Sun 20-Mar-11 20:01:25

They may knock on the door but do they have Dillie's staying power?

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Mar-11 20:02:45

'We would return to this hotel not EVER EVER, not even if you gave us £100000000. We'd rather go to Southend on Sea.'

Yes, that's eight noughts. One hundred million.

Let me see if I can find it. It was in Blackpool...

Georgimama Sun 20-Mar-11 20:07:47

Oh God, my chest. I've just looked up a hotel in Paris we've stayed in three times because we love it. It's not posh, it's just a Sofitel, but it's clean, it's about five minutes walk from the Champs Elysees, the rooms are nice and the food on room service is fab.

There are many many reviews pondering the heat in the rooms - one person tried in vain to turn down the heating so had to open the window instead. Can you imagine the horror? On the plus side they found Denis the concierge very helpful. I'm sure if they'd asked Denis nicely he could have sorted the heating out.

And why, why, why, why do people check into standard doubles in city hotels in old buildings and then express surprise to find they aren't in a palatial suite?

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Mar-11 20:18:27

Georgimama I think I know what waitress. I think we had her in Rome. grin

We almost had a full blown stand up row with her. It was a help yourslef buffet breakfast with a copious selection of sticky lurid coloured cakes and pastries and pots of yoghurt etc. Our children were between 11 and 4 so obviously they were thrilled at the idea of all you can eat cake fro breakfast. We warned them not to be greedy but the trouble was, every single thing they tried was such dry, stale, horrible rubbish that they kept taking one bite out of something and spitting it out. First of all we told them off for being fickle and wasteful, but then we tried the food and realised why! I mean how bad can a pile of cakes and doughnuts be that three small boys won't eat them?

It was a bit awkward, but we just said 'Never mind, choose something else, and tried to hide the crumby debris under napkins. But even the yoghurts were vile - all full of gloopy thickeners but no actual flavour. confused Eventually our table did (I must admit) look embarrassingly like Augustus Gloop had had a very wasteful food fight there, but the kids had hardly managed to eat a thing.

The waitress came over, looked at the table and immediately starting shouting and gesturing really aggressively in Italian, which I didn't understand, but got the general gist, which was that the English were all a bunch of arrogant greedy wankers. We tried to calmly explain that everything was so piss poor we'd had to work our way through the entire buffet trying to find something half edible, but she wasn't having any of it. And the place had bedbugs. Ahh. Happy memories.

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Mar-11 20:25:26

'The town was like a ghost town. there was not a single English person to be seen.'

It's Tenerife. hmm I didn't know they were obliged to supply English people in their towns for the tourists.

MainlyMaynie Sun 20-Mar-11 20:34:27

This is a restaurant review. I came quite close to wetting myself too:

'i went ot this restaurant with my frends and the service was discreaseful my frends was drunk and hit her head of your tables and your staff didnt ask if she was allright they then brought use the wrong cake and my frenid was very upset and wet her self'

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Mar-11 20:34:36

'There was phlegm on the interior lift walls and urine on the floor.'

Well, if you will book a holiday in the Croydon NCP multi-storey you've only yourself to blame.

FellatioNelson Sun 20-Mar-11 20:46:05

On the contrary to some reports, I was told this hotel was for for young'uns wanting a lively holiday. However, when we got there we experienced a zero tolerance policy on fun, noise, and bringing ladies back to our room. However, the security guard did say he would accept a bribe if we wanted to break any of these rules - corrupt or what! One morning we were all asleep when the security guard dragged us out of bed and demanded 100 euros for.... sleeping?

bupcakesandcunting Sun 20-Mar-11 22:27:41

Hotel manager has excellent grooming skills...a

"very clean hotel manager was a pig on last day every one was very rude no entertainement hotel very boring i go on holiday at least 3 times a year always alinclusive but have never been treated as this place treated me will never go back or will never encourage family to go there did not get value for money sometimes out until 10 45 but told how many drinks i could have hotel rubbish but very clean food ok but very samey had to go out 4 meals there was nothing 2 eat after 9 pm kids hungry at 930 pm no snacks unless bought"

yonker Mon 21-Mar-11 00:03:51

The colosseum...

'We visited the colosseum and were asked by a man dressed as a gladiator if we would like our picture taken with him. We said, "No thank-you". The man then called by husband some vulgar names. We left the colosseum without going inside and visited the other sites nearby. Later as we walked back to get the metro, a gladitor passed us on the sidewalk. He said, "Kill your wife". We assume it was the same gladiator, or perhaps they are all just rude creeps.'

For some reason the more I read this the funnier and stranger it seems (probably just me) - 'Kill your wife' - why FFS? No idea what this person thought of the colosseum, why tell people to not go to the colosseum because the 'gladiators' will tell you to kill your wife

Hullygully Mon 21-Mar-11 09:42:22

'i went ot this restaurant with my frends and the service was discreaseful my frends was drunk and hit her head of your tables and your staff didnt ask if she was allright they then brought use the wrong cake and my frenid was very upset and wet her self'


Hullygully Mon 21-Mar-11 09:43:26

I love the gladiator.

FellatioNelson Mon 21-Mar-11 10:16:08

to be fair, I've experienced the slightly seedy gladiators in Rome as well. They are basically smelly grubby peasants in fancy dress, begging with slight menaces, but when you've taken your 11 year old there as a birthday treat because he loves all things Roman you can hardly say 'No' to the posed photograph can you?

They were smelly though, those Gladiators. shock

bupcakesandcunting Mon 21-Mar-11 10:21:53

Oooh DH and I had our picture took with dem gladiators on our honeymoon, mainly because we were, ahem, refreshed from lunchtime beverages and also because the head gladiator thought DH was off the telly and reduced the price to 5 euros from 10. They were a right laugh.

bupcakesandcunting Mon 21-Mar-11 10:22:38

grin at your DS loving all things Roman. That's lovely, that is.

AbsDuCroissant Mon 21-Mar-11 10:46:59

I have learnt the following this from this thread:
- never, ever go all inclusive
- Spanish resorts will insist on serving Spanish food, letting in Spanish guests and speaking Spanish - the selfish bastards
- if you or your frend get drunk and hit your head on the table, don't expect much sympathy
- the are a lot more whores hanging around in hotels than you'd ever expect. But the ones in Greece are really lazy and sit on chairs, unlike good British whores who stand. Apparently

It has been an education grin

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Mon 21-Mar-11 10:52:29

I almost wet meself too there, Hully grin

Fimbo Mon 21-Mar-11 11:21:03

I am liking this one about Mamaris:-

“Hotel carn't be beaten!! ( and believe me im picky)”
5 of 5 stars
Date of review: 4 Jan 2011

heya, been to this hotel and was lovely the only thing i can say is there aint no lifts . but other than tha hotel was very clean. Staff was brill, entertainment was brill day and night, there is a kids club, kids parkand kids games room which we won a a new psp game which costs about £200 in english money and we put 1 liera in and won it, so i would recomend avin a go at the game what u have to line up the squars lol the food in the resturant is bang on! would really recoment ppl to go, im a very fussy person with cleaness and i expect alot for wat i pay for.

jaggythistle Mon 21-Mar-11 11:37:49

oh the game what you have to line up the squars, everybody's favourite! grin

SoupDragon Mon 21-Mar-11 12:34:49

FGS please don't make me browse the review section again...


Portofino Mon 21-Mar-11 13:03:44

"water park is a must do :D but dont go hungover and fall asleep in the sun:D:D"

"We were told it was all ytou can eat but by the time u had finished ur first plate they had stopped serving - even tho to be fair i couldnt eat anymore!"

"the bbq nite,15euro's p/p abit steep for wot you get and the pole dancer was crap."

" A garden wall had been demolished to make space for our room - the remains of this were left in the cupboard under the sink"

"I got my drink Spiked! spent the nyt in hospital on a drip and had 5 police cars escort me to the hospital, was spiked with LSD! But, it didnt spoil my holiday, and we met sum wicked ppl out there!" You don't say!

"wolfie the rep bit weird at first buit he grows on ya.... WORD OF ADVISE WATCH THE LITTLE PIKEYS" ?????

"if your not up for a laugh then dnt bother, if youve got a sense of humor and dnt mind getting spayed wiv shaving foam then it is def the trip for you, was the best day of the week!!!" shock grin

I'll end with a challenge:

"Back to the Plaza though the girls that were staying there were among the highest quality you can find on this planet and 'V' the barman reckons that there is no woman he can't charm the pants off of, so ladies please prove him wrong and don't forget i will be there next year around the end of June so go then and i will be able to laff as he get shot down in flames."

Portofino Mon 21-Mar-11 13:14:04

"no complaints at all,10 out of 10 for everything,only complaint we had was the fancy dress shop and its big violent smelly owner who robbed my friend of 25 euros and when we confronted him he threatened to slap my friend(julie),also beware of young girls entering this shop because he is known for his touchung up skills,he ruined our stay,made us feel like we wanted to go home away forever. "

FellatioNelson Mon 21-Mar-11 13:23:10

The next morning we went down for breakfast and was shown to our allocated table and waitress 'the dreaded jackie' the breakfast wasnt that good small with what i would call a slice of fat oh sorry bacon the waitress jackie does not appear to have any waitressing skills or any manners but surely the management must know this as there are other bad reviews on here about jackie, the saturday night we went down for dinner and on our table was a saucer full of mint sauce these dishes were randomly scattered around the restaurant,we ordered the starter and were asked by another guest can he use the minnt sauce on our table as the waiter he asked for some pointed to our table to get it, we obliged but told the guest thet he could keep it as all his table were using it. when we ordered our main meal we too wanted some mint sauce , we asked jackie BIG MiSTAKE she then proceeded to go to the same table as we get the mint sauce and tried to put it on our table spoon in the dish we asked her could we have fresh as we didnt know if any of them guests could have had the spoon in thier mouths,jackie told us she had just put a clean spoon in we told her that she didnt as we watched her pick it of the table the mint sauce had bits of food in it from the others guests using it ,we asked for fresh and she said she would get some from the kitchen 10 minutes later another waitress came out with another mint sauce again with bits in we did not use it by this time jackie ignored us and refused to take our plates we had to ask another waitress to clear the table and get our desserts jackie would not serve us and kept giving us the evil eye come on management sort your staff out how many other people does she do this to ? we were able to tell her but your other guests the older people may feel a little intimidated will not go again for this reason!!!!!!

Jeezus, that's a lot of hassle for some mint sauceshock

FellatioNelson Mon 21-Mar-11 13:33:28

Here she is again....

' the waitress from hell.......she goes by the name of Jackie and is unprofessional,rude and glares at you in a menacing way. Has the hotel manager ever heard of charm school??

I attempted to sit down at a table with our friends only to be pounced on by Jackie and marched off to her table, seemly we had broken some rule about sitting in your allotted seat. She also demanded to know the whereabouts of the other four people who had shared are table the evening before, looking around to check she didn't have an Anglepoise lamp I informed her I didn't know. She returned and threw a plate of toast down followed by a jug of coffee but no milk, still glaring at me. I took a deep breath and challenged her by,saying she had a serious attitude problem and was a very rude person, she didn't even flinch and returned with a "cooked breakfast" tasted awful. Dinner that night was even worse, how a cook or chef could plate up burnt and blacken lamb is beyond me. Sunday morning I made sure I was not sitting at Jackie's table and was served by a very pleasant lady who when I told I was scared of Jackie replied "We all are too".'

I'm starting to like the sound of Jackie. grin

FellatioNelson Mon 21-Mar-11 13:41:31

That evening the seven of us decided to try the food at £10 per head. WHAT A BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!! they advertise it as home cooked?????the starter of soup flavour was only known when it arrived on the table cold!!!! the vegetables were out of a tin the mashed potato was disgracefull probably instant, the gravey was out of a box and the meat was processed slices. And as for desert which your coice when pre-ordering is HOT, COLD OR ICE CREAM, I chose cold which turned out to be part of a STALE SWISS ROLL with SPRAY CREAM and a very non tasting juice.


LadyWellian Mon 21-Mar-11 13:50:59

if youve got a sense of humor and dnt mind getting spayed wiv shaving foam then it is def the trip for you

I am making quite a spectacle of myself in the office as a result of this one. Who would have thought a missing 'r' could do so much!

lovecorrie Mon 21-Mar-11 14:11:55

I'm really cross with you lot - my kitchen needs cleaning and I've sat here for the past half an hour crying and hiccuping...

Fimbo Mon 21-Mar-11 14:26:03

“Fab Holiday - Magaluf is the best”
5 of 5 stars
Date of review: 29 Apr 2010

Stayed here in 2008.
Was one of the best holidays ive been on.
The hotel was nice..just the people opposite stole our keys, took my mates camera, ghds and other valuables.

Oh dear, but yet its the best holiday she has been on!

Portofino Mon 21-Mar-11 14:31:55

"Ok, I'm not an art lover but the Sistine Chapel was not what I was expecting. It's a shame that such an interesting ceiling had to be placed on top of such an ugly room.

I also wish the front wall matched the ceiling! "

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Mon 21-Mar-11 14:39:49

shock Porto

yonker Mon 21-Mar-11 14:48:49

I really must stop looking at these. All inclusive... now I accept that on an all inclusive you should expect a certain standard of food, and have every right to complain if it really is poor - but surely if it is that bad there comes a point where you say enough is enough, although we have already 'paid' we will forget the all inclusive crap and buy something. Not these people apparently :

'we where quite shocked when we the first day should eat at the lunch-buffet: There where about 10-15 birds inside and outside, and as soon as there where nobody at the buffet, the birds came and eat from the buffet.Several of us even saw the birds on the food, eating, and doing what humans do at the toilet...It is discusting to eat from a buffet togheter with birds, and you can get sick. So, why not eat somewhere else? Well, we are "all inclusive"-guests, and have allready paid for the lunch-buffet'

So instead of paying a couple of quid for a decent lunch they ate the birdshit buffet. This lot are even worse:

'Went all inclusive.....The food was not suitable for european travellers. No menu for children, as a result my young daughter ended up in hospital for four days with serious dehydration.'

Hospitalised because there was no kid's menu - BUY the child some food FFS

yonker Mon 21-Mar-11 14:55:32

Also shock and grin @ porto. Re the gladiator - if anyone is in Rome watch out for the rather mature 'lady' gladiator outside the Pantheon - possibly a relative of Dillie's on the Italian side of the family. Desperately trying to find a picture of her....

jaggythistle Mon 21-Mar-11 14:56:03

I was once asked by someone at work if I thought there'd be 'European food' when he went to Spain hmm maybe he wrote the above revie....

jaggythistle Mon 21-Mar-11 14:57:20

shock shock at the hospitalised bairn btw!

omnishambles Mon 21-Mar-11 14:59:06

How did the child get dehydrated by not eating at the buffet? confused

yonker Mon 21-Mar-11 15:12:19

@omnishambles - I wondered that as well - perhaps it was something to do with lack of food and not actually dehydration, or as she wasn't eating she wasn't drinking enough (as you tend to do the two together). Either way can't believe the parents didn't buy the child something to eat (or drink) - don't think they did as they don't say ended up spending loads of cash on extra food.

LaWeasel Mon 21-Mar-11 15:13:20

This was quite a well written negative review about what sounds like an absolute pisstake of a hotel but starts:
"We are a family of 4, myself, my wife a 3 year old and an 11 month old baby. We got stuck in the terribley snowy conditions on the M40 on Saturday 18th December 2010. We urgently needed to book a last minute hotel that could cater for a family and we could get to in the snow, disappoiningly the nearest Premier Inn had burned down."

LaWeasel Mon 21-Mar-11 15:21:51

Same hotel:

"room 7 dog loo view only in there 10 seconds room 26 freezin cold n june disabled bathroom come coldstore mega tiny sink and massive tap, no plug, toilet rol holder light hangin off the wall. Put case on wardrobe caked in dust. thought there was a wake on the staff all had long gobs on except for one lad on desk. Food was fairly good? but waitress couldnt wait to swoop on our emty plates etc. Asked for heat in room got a heater granted hot water takes 5mins everytime. It felt like i was complaining but i expect these things as the norm in a place charging 100 quid a night pay before you stay never done that before. breakfast was a joke to all of us 8 others waited half hour. The waitresses had a gob on again i was going to kick off but was restrained by wife didnt show for breakfast next day left key in door and got off as i would have ripped someones head off. beer garden is three tables in a tiny courtyard should of realised everywhere else was packed this was empty on footie night "

Not sure what having a gob on is?

FellatioNelson Mon 21-Mar-11 16:39:10

He sounds a charmer. hmm

imnobody Mon 21-Mar-11 19:51:57

Having lived and worked in Greece for 20 odd years I have had the pleasure of having to deal with lots of these people....

The questions you get asked and things you hear and see over the years are just breath-taking.

FellatioNelson Mon 21-Mar-11 20:52:35

Has anyone else noticed how many people struggle with spelling 'disgraceful' and 'disgusting'? They seem to fox most people on these revies. confused

jaggythistle Mon 21-Mar-11 21:05:34

revies is making me giggle every time.

<not at all in the huff, because after trawling I still haven't found one worthy of this thread>

FellatioNelson Mon 21-Mar-11 21:08:28

I know, me too. grin I am determined to shoe-horn it into every post.


jaggythistle Mon 21-Mar-11 21:14:14

<snort> grin

Ponders Mon 21-Mar-11 21:21:08


mamalino Mon 21-Mar-11 21:22:00

Having a gob on = grumpy twat.

I love this thread.

jaggythistle Mon 21-Mar-11 21:32:22

Well it's not great but does have talking food and an elevevator! Ooh hotel stuff... a revie typo fest.

"I have just returned from a night's stay at Caravel hotel in Limassol. I don't usually write reviews about hotels I stay at, but I felt strongly that I should mention my experience.

The hotel stuff were quite friendly and helpful. However the hotel's condition is dreadful. The bed sheets seemed clean but I still have doubts about their condition as there were female hair on the bed cover and on the bottom bed sheet. A couble of hairs also on the bathroom floor. The bathroom sink was very old and rusted and the bath was so slimy that I doubt if it was scrubbed once these last 12 months.

The elevevator is very small (max 3 persons). Inside there were anouncements: "unfortunatelly the swimming pool is out of order" and "talking food or drink items outside of the breakfast area is prohibited. Violators will be fined EUR3,42" (!!!)

I paid EUR30 for one night which is dirt cheap but even for that kind of money I think travellers should be treated with more respect. I wouldn't recomend this hotel, even to my enemies"

jaggythistle Mon 21-Mar-11 21:33:00

How did htey know the hairs were female? Did they bring CSI kit hmm

yonker Tue 22-Mar-11 00:19:26

I take it back about all inclusive guests - there are some who will draw the line - revies from Turkey

“turkes slop”
'just got back from the simba hotel last night.So i just have to tell people who are going there !think twice about going half board all inclusive? first time we have gone have board and its put me off for life. the slop they served us was disgusting! There was me my mum and my 9 year old daughter!! So with me going half board and payed £960.00 for 2 weeks i exspecteded more than powderd orange!and waterd down milk! Tap water at that! I could handle the <GREEN SCRAMBELED EGG> for breakfast. the the food on a night i would,nt give my dog.WE only had three meals at night there and that was enough!We could,nt eat any more <TURKES SLOP> so told our rep EMMA! she was great and gave me my money back for our last week<£57.00> back! Better than nothing? All other guest staying there also did the same. The staff was <MUCKYAND SMELLY> and not very friendly! Can say our room and view was great! Would have been nice to have our bed changed in the 2 weeks we was there? Can say we met some fab people and hope they keep in touch? If you have got cast iron stomack then get to the SIMBA HOTEL! and enjoy the <TURKESH SLOP>'

At least EMMA! was of some help - but money back for the last (second?) week was only 57 pounds, the first week was therefore 903 pounds? No idea - however I really do have a cast iron stomack so would probably suit me

goodasgold Tue 22-Mar-11 20:35:09

Great thread.

Oxo Tower Restaurant review by rachel
When my boyfriend told me he wanted to take me up the Oxo Tower for my birthday, I was a bit hesitant at first because I didn't really think it was my scene. How wrong I was! I mean, yeah, so it's a bit of a strain on the old back pocket, and I admit I did feel a bit uncomfortable initially. But a couple of cocktails helped me relax and soon I was really getting into it - we carried on well into the night. It was a great experience and I really loved it - so much so that I won't let my boyfriend take me anywhere else now! So if anyone ever wants to take you up the Oxo Tower, just throw caution to the wind and go for it!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Overall rating
Food 5 | Service 5 | Atmosphere 5 | Value for money 5

bupcakesandcunting Tue 22-Mar-11 20:47:34

Oh God. The OXO Tower review is a joke and I know who wrote it!

goodasgold Tue 22-Mar-11 20:58:17

This is a great time waster grin

The Hoff

Portofino Tue 22-Mar-11 21:33:28

The Oxo Tower review must surely be someone from this thread! Not me though grin

FellatioNelson Tue 22-Mar-11 22:19:18

Oxo Tower revie please. hmm

Get with the programme ladies.

Hullygully Wed 23-Mar-11 08:37:04

revie revie revie

here comes johnny revie revie

or something

jaggythistle Wed 23-Mar-11 09:26:13

Just using it for sleeping and bringing people back, shock nice!

“Honest review MUST READ (2011 not 2010)”

Date of review: Jul 14, 2010
We read all the bad reviews and thought nothing of it, we just presumed people were moaning because they were expecting more than they paid for because after all it is a cheap hotel. We was wrong.

The moment we arrived you can see outside that the hotel is substandard, from the dirty walls and exterior to the prison shacks for balconies, at reception we were greeted by someone who can only be described as a cow(cant swear), honeslty one of the most ignorant people ive ever met in my life, snatching passports and thorwing keys at us, but so far we wasnt bothered cos all we was going to use the hotel for is sleep and bringing people back, so didnt care about what it looked like or the staff...

when we got to the rooms, to be fair theyre ok for what you pay for, except the fact each room is so hot you feel like youre in a mass orgy of sweat, the fans slow down if people have lights or use other appliances, one room didnt even have a fan or window so we named it the 'sweatbox' because you litterally woke up in a pool of sweat there.

we had guests over the counter, constant supply of ants, aso because the hotel is facing a type of forest youll wake up every morning covered in bites, in 10 days i was bitten 8 times and theyre BIG bites, and in england i dont get bit at all (and i used insect whipes before bed )

movng on, after our first night out we came back and the most happy security man youll ever see dragged us to the reception desk claiming we wasnt at the hotel and then insisted on searchin for our names, our names where there but he searched each one of us, this basically means unless you can sneak past the security guard, pulling someone in this hotel is a no no, unless you aim to do the cleaners,

later that night we was awoken to someone knockng on the door (3 of us came back at about 2 because we drank too much too fst so had to go home early) we shouted who is it , no reply and when we looked they were gone, later at about 4 am another knock when we answered this massive lad was stood there in shock asking if we'd seen anyone, basically half the hotel rooms had been kicked in and robbed, next door to us was robbed 800, he was robbed 500 and there were plenty more, everyone started acusing each other in the hotel and fights broke out on every floor, the big hard security guard was probably in the toilet, and when i rang reception to get the police he just said "ok bye byee" in the most sarcastic voice youve ever heard.

What doesnt make sense tho is the security guard vets everyone in the hotel but there are break ins every year so i doubt there is one theif that returns every year to do rooms in, also if youre going to go in a group of lads be prepared to pay 30 euro deposit each, because we went in a mixed group we didnt, but they will target you, and suspiciously it was the group of lads who had to pay 30 euros deposit that got broken into and because the door was broken they lost their deposits and had to ay 150 euos for a new door, just seems strange.

rest of the holiday there were no breakins just noise continues till 6 am and starts again at 9 am which is sort of to be expected if you leave the doors open but if you shut them youll die of sweating all water supply out of your body.

basically, stay away, just pay a little extra for the other fiesta hotels they are so much nicer, literally leaps and bounds nicer and theyre safers, this hotel every year has bad reviews then one or two good reviews but when youre on holiday do you want to worry that while youre out youre going to get broken into and the only way you can pull someone is in either their hotel or on the beach with people watching (might be into it duno)

oh and theyll charge you for anything, they give us two keys, claimed it was 3 when we was leaving and charges us 20 euros :/

SoupDragon Wed 23-Mar-11 11:57:14

"we had guests over the counter"


jaggythistle Wed 23-Mar-11 13:13:44

if you are bored there are a few choice revies of this establishment, sounds like a peach...

yonker Wed 23-Mar-11 13:30:32

What do you think? Wind up revie? Nutter? Drunk? True?

'This Hotel is Haunted!!!

I have waited so long to post this but I swear to God I will never forget this moment or what happened to me.

On one of the nights we went to bed and I woke up at about 3.30am in the morning and seen what looked like some girl crawling out of my husbands side of the bed. We where away on a wedding holiday but i will never forget this moment. I tried to wake him up ASKING him why this woman was crawling out of his side of the bed but he said to me that i was mad and to go asleep. Ok normally I might of but I hid my head and counted to 10 a number of times b ut everytime I looked that woman stod at the side of the bed with her hands crossed hair curly and her looking directly at me. I have never been so afraid in all my life. Plus even when I woke up she was still there. Did not sleep much that night so I decided to email the Hotel about it. Guess what happened ? they never ever even replied to me. Typical European ignorance!!! was not impressed as this really frightened me!!!'

jaggythistle Wed 23-Mar-11 17:51:10

Nutter+Drunk I vote.

FellatioNelson Wed 23-Mar-11 22:14:51

Ah yes, those typical Europeans. hmm

To be fair to the other bloke, he sounds like he had a nightmare. All of those hotels that take groups of lary British 18-30 types must hate us with a passion and do whatever they can to make the experience as unpleasant and intimidating as possible.

NunOnTheRun Wed 23-Mar-11 23:21:45

"...this basically means unless you can sneak past the security guard, pulling someone in this hotel is a no no, unless you aim to do the cleaners.."

hahahaha - pure class grin

jaggythistle Thu 24-Mar-11 04:05:58

if i wasn't on my phone again I'd be away back for more.

there was another revie of the same place that was whining about security staff complaining about noise after midnight, apparently this was unreasonable because "it's Magaluf, what do they expect?" shock

yes, the whole town just exists for you to go out on the piss. hmm

SoupDragon Thu 24-Mar-11 07:21:27

"yes, the whole town just exists for you to go out on the piss."

Well, to be fair, it probably does now as that's the direction they went in. Bars, bars and more bars.

FellatioNelson Thu 24-Mar-11 08:10:51

That's true actually - I bet they make more money being the Lager Lout Centre from Hell than if they reverted to taking families who buy the odd ice cream and OAPs who sip half a shandy all night long.

If I die and go to hell it will be Magaluf.

jaggythistle Thu 24-Mar-11 09:22:24

i suppose so. doesn't mean you can do what you want though. <huffs>

similar to Agia Napa though. I've not stayed there, but on visiting it seemed to be mostly bars and takeaways with a nice beach...

FellatioNelson Thu 24-Mar-11 10:05:16

god no - I agree. Atrocious behaviour. They are a total embarrassment and our National Shame. I just don't understand why these places cater for them though, if they hate it so much. I suppose it happens slowly over years, and once somewhere has a reputaion for being lary it's very hard to wipe the slate clean and go back to being wholesome and family orientated - if people are too scared to book there. shock

My son who is nearly 16 keep sgoing on about how he is going to go to Magaluf with some of his more revolting friends. hmm Over my dead body will he.

jaggythistle Thu 24-Mar-11 10:30:55

sounds awful eh!

bupcakesandcunting Thu 24-Mar-11 10:37:11

“The hotel was devastaiting we couldnt wait to LEAVE...”

Date of review: 13 Oct 2010
Well what can i say the hotel supposedly a family hotel that can cater for all haha well we must of gone to the wrong place... Me and my family went in a large group around 40 of us all staying in the Montebell Hotel was physically devestated it wasnt the even close to being a reasonable hotel unless you like the staff always asking for extra money and tips without even remotely showing the correct manners or even common courtesy to fullfill there job description which is ensuring that all guest young or old have the best possible stay even when we gave them more money they then came out with the excuse that there isnt any change in the till so we were always essential robbed for our change for a simple drink. Also another mayjor dissapointment that let the hotel down mayjorly was that there was two dogs roaming the premises un supervised and always trying to beg for food when me and my family were trying to have a meal. One incident that really upset alot of my family members was that a stray dog walked into the hotel looking for food un stopped and then was viciously attacked by the other two dogs until they were seperated by one of my family member and NOT THE STAFF... After this one of the dogs came back round to the table and begged yet again with blood and parts of the stray dog in its mouth in which we instantly made a complaint and then was actually moaned at by the staff for use of bad language purely to the shock and horror for what he has seen. Another mayjor fault is that around the so called pool (which was more like a puddle) our children and grand children couldnt even laugh to loudly, splash eachother in the pool or genorally have fun. I can understand that large parties may be quite noisy at times but not threatening to others and if not for our family there wouldnt of actually been anything going on in the hotel as there was no entertainment what so ever apart from a film at the bar at night and even then you wasnt allowed to laugh or talk to loudly. So overall the hotel was the worst we have ever stayed in, the staff were extremely rude and the clenleness of the hotel was disgusting i strongley recommend that all stear clear of The Montebell Hotel."

Why is it that the people who begin their revies with "Well what can I say" go on to say fucking LOADS? And forty of you staying? Really? hmm

And people who moan that there was "no enteitainmernt in teh evenning" GO OUT OF THE FUCKING HOTEL! Go EXPLORE! Sitting on your fat, sunburned arse, waiting to be amused, like some Jeremy Kyle-style Greek demigod waiting for the peasants to do something funny just for you. Get a life.

NunOnTheRun Thu 24-Mar-11 10:39:14

"This hotel is the worst hotel on the face of the earth. Upon arrival I see this big man bringing a prostitute into his room, great first impression. ........
..... If you enjoy getting bed bugs and itching as well as staying in complete and utter filth, this is the place for you! I am not picky with hotels either, this place is not acceptable by any means, unless you are looking for a great hourly rate and a good/bad time with a local. "

"My dog and I travel monthly for competitions. We aren't usually picky - if it's close and reasonably clean, fine. But this place is scary. I checked in late, and my first clue probably should have been the bulletproof partition in front of the desk clerk (who was all of about 14). I had a corner room that was filthy - peeling tile, water stained and falling ceiling in the shower, paint on the tub, visible dust on fixtures, etc. I almost got in the car and left. I should have. At 6am the next morning I ran into two lovely gentlemen in the parking lot who needed a few bucks to put gas in the van to get home (uh huh). I offered 5 just to get them to leave - "That's ALL you have?" but they did let me back off quickly. (You'd think the 50lb shepherd mix would help. No, she was busy.)
Seriously, avoid this place. You can do better. Even if you're of the "oh, well, hotel rooms all look alike in the dark" mindset. No, no, and no. We are not exaggerating nor being picky. It really is that bad. ..."

NunOnTheRun Thu 24-Mar-11 10:43:35

The worst event happened the last night we were there. While we were coming back from dinner we stopped at a general store. I saw Corona beers and since I had not had any beer since I left the U.S., we bought two Corona's. When we got back to the hotel, we needed to reserve some hotels for the next few days so we needed wireless internet, which of course is only in the lobby. We grabbed the laptop and popped the two Corona's to sit in the lobby and leisurely review some hotels for the next few nights and book them.

As soon as we walk into the lobby the night clerk barks at us, very rudely, "You can not drink in here!!!" That's all he says. So I say, "It's just two beers, and we need to use the internet." To which he says, "You can not drink in here!!! This is not a pub!!! No!! No!!"

It was an insulting insinuation that we were some drunken slobs that would somehow begin moshing in his little lobby breaking lamps, smashing guitars and throwing up on the walls.

What we were was a married couple that just walked back from a day of sightseeing and having dinner at a local restaurant...quite sober, quite ordinary and quite peaceful.

Well, I felt the blood fill my face and the rage take over and all I really wanted to do was liberate his head from his body and watch it roll around on the floor while I drink my Corona over his lifeless corpse. Societal restraints being as they are...I cursed him out, returned the beers to our room, came downstairs to do what we needed to do, and simply aggravated him for a good 60 minutes.

bupcakesandcunting Thu 24-Mar-11 10:54:45

"Well, I felt the blood fill my face and the rage take over and all I really wanted to do was liberate his head from his body and watch it roll around on the floor while I drink my Corona over his lifeless corpse. Societal restraints being as they are...I cursed him out, returned the beers to our room, came downstairs to do what we needed to do, and simply aggravated him for a good 60 minutes."

Cannot. Breathe.

BaggedandTagged Thu 24-Mar-11 10:57:00

Just using it for sleeping and bringing people back, nice!

Especially as it seems that they were sharing rooms. The mind boggles.

SoupDragon Thu 24-Mar-11 11:06:23

" if not for our family there wouldnt of actually been anything going on in the hotel as there was no entertainment"

To me, that says more about their family then it does about the hotel...

LOL at the "quite calm, quite ordinary and quite peaceful" married couple wanting to rip the hotel manager's head off. So, not a psychopath in disguise then...

Portofino Thu 24-Mar-11 11:46:21

"Swimming pool was freezing. I had to check to see if my body parts were still attached."

"23 of us took over block C. Had a fantastic stay, hotel was fun, clean and cheap. Perfect to stay at with friends, i would not recommend this hotel to family's or boring book readers. "

"another apartment broken to and the had a poo in my bath it was so sick i was sick and we went to the rep and she said that was not the first time she heard that omg never go back again EVER "

"I went to Ayia Napa with 2 other girls and we didn't actually stay at these apartments, but we met two groups of boys that did and ended up spending a lot of time there. On our first week we met a group of lads that were staying in apartment 20, they moved and strangely the next group we met also ended up staying in that room" The trollops! shock

"cyprus has a culture that is so much fun to explore.....And the Mc Donalds.....they actually give you the burger thats on the picture ?! Theyre immense."

FellatioNelson Thu 24-Mar-11 12:50:52

God I must go there immediately. I've been waiting my whole life to eat at a place where the food actually even half resembles the stuff in the photograph.

GoldenGreen Thu 24-Mar-11 14:21:24

Oh how I love the punchline to this one - Bev sounds like a real character

Don't do it!”
Date of review: 21 Aug 2009
My husband and I have recently been to St Ives for a friend's wedding and stayed at The Hollies. We travelled with two relatives.

We arrived at the B & B at 12.15pm and I was greeted by Beverley. Beverley told me I was far too early, that rooms are not usually ready until after midday. I looked at my watch and it was 12.15pm so I could not understand what the issue was!

After some time waiting Beverley came back to me and informed me the room was ready and told me how to get to the car park.

On arrival at the car park Beverley thought we could achieve the impossible by directing us to park in a tiny gap. Ian then came out and took over. He moved what we thought was his car and we were able to park.

Ian was very pleasant to begin with. He gave us the keys and explained what they were for. He told us about the restaurants in town and also told us how to order breakfast. We were then shown to our room.

The room was very small but clean. To get to the other side of the room you had to climb over the bed.

That evening we went out for dinner.

The following day was the wedding day. As it was a nice day we decided to have some photos outside of the hotel before we made our way to the wedding venue. We noticed whilst we were doing this that our car had been moved. It suddenly clicked that somebody must have been into our room the night before and looked through the drawers (without our consent) and taken the keys to move the car. I was astounded by the fact that this had all been done without us being asked. We were never told at any stage that anybody would have to enter our room or asked for our car keys. We would have been quite happy to leave our keys with Ian or Beverley had we been told.

I decided rather than speak to Ian and Beverley at that stage, I would speak to them on the day of departure.

We had a lovely day at the wedding then returned home around midnight. We were invited into a relatives room. I decided to go back to my room and get changed. Whilst doing so I could hear them laughing, they were not shouting or screaming they were just laughing.

I then heard Ian asking them if they could keep the noise down. At this stage one of them decided to ask Ian two questions, first of all, why he had entered their room without knocking the night before when they were in bed, and secondly, why he had moved our car without first getting our consent to do so.

All of a sudden I could hear Ian shouting that he had not burst into their room and that he had told us all that he may need to move the car and that our keys were on the bed rather than in a drawer.

I then tried to calm the situation down by asking everybody to leave it. However, a relative of mine was then told to shut up by Ian.

Eventually Ian left.

The following day I went to breakfast alone, the other three had been drinking at the wedding and so wanted a lie in.

It took some time for a member of staff to serve me that morning, a lady kept looking at me then going back into the kitchen. She eventually came and I mistakenly gave her a different order to the one I had placed the night before, I think I may have ordered two eggs for example rather than one. I heard Ian say to her that I had placed my order the night before and could not change it. It was so petty when you think that three people's breakfasts were available!

I was then joined by my other friend and part way through breakfast Beverley came over and said that she needed to speak to us after breakfast. She did so in front of the rest of the guests. I couldn't believe that I had been spoken to like a child! I would never dream of speaking to anybody in the way she spoke to us.

She came back and told us that we had accused her husband of searching through our belongings for keys. For one, none of us had actually been involved in the incident. She then said that we had to wake everybody up as she did not want them lying in bed all day! When you pay for a room you do not expect to be told when you have to get up!

She also told me that if the others did not give Ian an apology then we would have to find another B & B.

On the way out I spoke to Beverley again. She said that the B & B was her home and that Ian would never go through guests drawers. She said that we had been told they may need our keys. I told her that we had never been told this, if I had then I would have remembered.

Beverley told us that she was upset as her husband had got up that morning with a face like a 'bosted ar**hole' and so she was annoyed hence the reason she spoke to us.

This does not excuse the way we were spoken to and treated at The Hollies.

I would certainly not recommend this B & B.

jaggythistle Thu 24-Mar-11 14:43:41


FellatioNelson Thu 24-Mar-11 15:27:55

This is why I never stay in B&B's.

Hullygully Thu 24-Mar-11 15:54:07

I am going to The Hollies at once. I think I may love Beverley and Ian even more than Maureen and Roger.

Hullygully Thu 24-Mar-11 15:54:30

a face like a 'bosted ar**hole'

What IS that?

Portofino Thu 24-Mar-11 19:06:25

I am reading between the lines, that they were ALL a bit pissed grin

jaggythistle Thu 24-Mar-11 19:19:59

Bloody Benidorm is full of Spaniards too, for feck's sake!

if you have already booked for here i feel for you i really do!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just got back on monday and thankgod we only stayed for a long weekend,the staff are ignorant and serve all spanish first and its mostly spanish holiday makers there,the spanish all look at you asthough your a turd, the food is mingin pigs trotters slimy liver and fried eggs for lunch with bread rolls full of flies,the hotel smells like a stinkbomb has gone off and the resturaunt smells of gone off kippers,you get told all the time it was like bein at school.thankgod the nitelife is only ten mins walk away because you cant stay in the hotel for the night (we were all inclusive) the entertainment is a annoyin spanish dude blowin a whistle and its all in spanish we spent up by the 3rd night and pratically lived off kfc and chips,dont eat the burgers or sausage theyre rank and half cooked,we made our own fun though which wasnt appreciated by the spanish oh and the pool is small and dont get the water from it in your mouth it tastes of pee!!!!! only stay here if u only want a bed cause belive me its not good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jaggythistle Thu 24-Mar-11 19:54:05

I can't resist this thread - having a slow evening at work is not helping...might look for more revies to bore you with now grin

Kleftico Thu 24-Mar-11 20:26:12

Is anyone else reading these reviews in that voice that Victoria Wood does? The character who's always waiting "fer me mate, Kimberley." grin [old]