Things you learned the hard way not to do again

(465 Posts)
ItsJustAName Wed 02-Mar-11 22:39:02

Okay, so I was out and about and needed the loo and popped in to a public toiler. Only when finished did I realise there was no loo roll.

Never fear, I knew I had fresh handypack of hankies in my handbag.

I used one.

shock blush shock

Olbas oil infused hankies do not leave you with a pleasant sensation when used as loo roll lol. grin

rachelkarengreene Wed 02-Mar-11 22:40:48

Rub eyes after chopping chillies - ow. And yet I do it almost every time {idiot}

Curlybrunette Wed 02-Mar-11 22:41:19

Lol justaname

Have a wine to dull the pain

thenightsky Wed 02-Mar-11 22:46:55

Biting into a mince pie straight out of the microwave. A red-hot current shot straight up my nose, leaving a trail of burnt flesh as it went shock

giraffesisonadiet Wed 02-Mar-11 22:49:52

scrape a mercedes with my car, I wont do that again

CBear6 Wed 02-Mar-11 23:18:21

Stick my finger in a light socket on a dare (in my defence I was 8).

Try to open a bottle of tequila using a kitchen knife because the lid was faulty and wouldn't unscrew (older than 8 but still young and stupid).

Not to hold the baby up in the air and jiggle him just after a feed as posset in the face may offend.

Not to eat meat from a street vendor in a foreign country.

outnumbered2to1 Wed 02-Mar-11 23:58:05

to put my hand on the hob of the cooker to see if it was still on...... i did only burn the top half of three fingers.....

laosvher Thu 03-Mar-11 00:04:07

Have kids

sharbie Thu 03-Mar-11 00:12:37

bath dog in bath

darksideofthemooncup Thu 03-Mar-11 00:13:35

poke toast out of the toaster with a knife. Store mandolin blades in drawer and rummage around in said drawer without looking. Slice potatoes on now infamous Mandolin without using the guard...it is amazing I have any fingers left grin

<thinks she could be here for forever. picks just one to post>

shut car door on hand. Very very tired with new baby brain. thankfully not too much damage done.

sharbie Thu 03-Mar-11 00:19:32

oh yes i shut my thumb in car door once (didn't hurt) and had to frantically signal to the driver not to drive off with it attached to the car.eeek.

outnumbered2to1 Thu 03-Mar-11 00:22:08

oh i also did the car door on hand one - only i did it twice in the same week.....

Isetta Thu 03-Mar-11 00:26:08

Stick cotton buds down my ear.. it felt so good when I had a slight infection which itched like bugger, the resultant abcess was the most painful thing Ive ever known and I'm still a bit deaf on that side..sad

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 03-Mar-11 00:26:53

Ooh, NEVER EVER worm your horses, and then put the empty oral syringe into your coat pocket. Dont then forget that it's there, add a packet of sweets to said pocket, and wonder why the sweets taste funny!
Horse wormer is VERY unpleasant when taken by humans! It takes months to get your stomach back to normal!

outnumbered2to1 Thu 03-Mar-11 00:28:54

and the winner is Saggy bloody hell

giraffesisonadiet Thu 03-Mar-11 00:29:49

did you have to go to a&e and tell them you had swallowed horse worming tablets?!!

armani Thu 03-Mar-11 00:30:51

Lol at saggy

UlrikaGarlic Thu 03-Mar-11 00:31:37

My mum learnt not to put an Aspirin in the fish tank when the fish doesnt look well grin

I learned to be very careful when I was a student nurse on night duty and my job was to go round with a bottle trolley on a mens ward, removing any full urine bottles and putting out fresh ones for the night...unfortunately caught the wheel and toppled the full trolley over and flooded the end of the ward with urine! blush

VodkawithRosie Thu 03-Mar-11 00:32:45

go outside in the dark in bare feet to grab the washing in.....the thought of those huge slugs squishing between my toesis still enough to make me retch.

BooyFuckingHoo Thu 03-Mar-11 00:33:21

EXP

Lauzifer Thu 03-Mar-11 00:34:12

Don't use Original Source mint shaving gel on your ladygarden ..... hmm

Unless you're into that kind of thing

Urgh @ Saggy!

Work in the public sector

outnumbered2to1 Thu 03-Mar-11 00:38:43

lauzifer oh boy does THAT tingle....

BaggedandTagged Thu 03-Mar-11 00:46:57

Jump on a moving treadmill.

Stac2011 Thu 03-Mar-11 00:51:45

dont use normal hair removing cream on your lady garden, felt like it was on fire. Then went into a bath to make sure it was washed off properly and made it burn more. Dh had to waft a magazine at it to cool it down blush

Also tried microwave wax and it got welded to the hair had to snip with scissors and flick it off. Painful!!

BaggedandTagged Thu 03-Mar-11 00:56:47

Don't eat a Steradent tablet.

When I was a kid, I asked my Gran what they were for and she said "I use them to clean my teeth" (she had falsies). Later on, I was about to go to bed and I decided to test out this novel "toothpaste" so I put one in my mouth and gave one to my sister.

As soon as they hit saliva they just start foaming- we looked like rabies victims.

darksideofthemooncup Thu 03-Mar-11 01:00:22

Bagged that has just made me spit wine tea all over my laptop grin

JetSetWilly Thu 03-Mar-11 01:04:41

Do not use neat TCP on a spot on your face. It will burn your skin and eventually leave a huge scab

JetSetWilly Thu 03-Mar-11 01:05:16

Which of course everyone will ask how you got

LifeOfKate Thu 03-Mar-11 09:26:43

Don't kneel on a drawing pin. It was all the way in and I had to pull it out <feels a bit weak and dizzy at the memory>

RockLover Thu 03-Mar-11 09:43:39

Learned not sniff lemonade up my nose (was a kid, don't ask).

Give birth, it effing hurts! I've still done it twice though <idiot emoticon>.

FoxyRevenger Thu 03-Mar-11 09:59:22

LifeofKate shock

tisallabitofafaff Thu 03-Mar-11 10:04:21

Don't throw perfume on a fire to put it out.

Don't iron clothes whilst still wearing them. I have a scar.

Acanthus Thu 03-Mar-11 10:10:44

Don't pull out one of the DCs teeth even if they are begging you because it is hanging by a thread. The little tuggy feeling will make you pass out and you will be unable to walk them to school.

I have also done the treadmill thing, I still don't like being on them now.

SimplyTes Thu 03-Mar-11 10:35:40

Do not curl your hair with your v hot tongs which are covered in melted plastic from the apparently heat resistant material. Do not then blame children for putting bits of sticky Wham bar in your hair.

Not to leave writing assignments until the day they're due in. Oh no, wait...<sobs over the 2k words due in at 4pm today. Decides to browse MN for just a bit longer>

Don't try to reach over and undo the bonnet catch on the car. You will end up in a heap on the floor with Mama Lazarou (as she's been rechristened) from next door looking at you through the privets. It happened yesterday and it bloody hurts.

ConstanceFelicity Thu 03-Mar-11 10:42:39

Don't use Vicks on your cheeks. My friend and I were crying for hours.

LikeANinjaNow Thu 03-Mar-11 10:42:41

Don't pour a cup of tea without checking the kettle lid is on properly. If it's one with a handle that arches over the lid. That steam will BURN!

Definitely DO NOT allow idiot ExP to then apply butter to said burn.

wordfactory Thu 03-Mar-11 10:51:30

Oh God so many.

Do not go to the bin on a windy day. The door may shut, locking you out in your PJs. With no phone. No money. And possibly worse, no make up.

Do not assume your train is a stopping service.

Do not let the petrol gauge in your car get down to 3miles only to discover the nearest garage is closed.

Do not drink six mojitos at your publishers drinks parties.

Do not slip off uncomfortable shoes under the table at a lunch meeting. You may not be able to get them back on and that will be very embarrassing when you leave.

venusandmars Thu 03-Mar-11 13:06:06

Do not put an alka-seltzer straight into your mouth when you have a hangover.

And if your boyfriend does it - do not laugh at him.

LifeOfKate Thu 03-Mar-11 13:48:50

Thanks Foxy, I thought I deserved a bit of sympathy for that one, particularly as I didn't get any at home hmm

Acanthus - am crying with laughter at your passing out after pulling tooth out

TigerseyeMum Thu 03-Mar-11 14:07:50

Don't stand in stupid positions when digging an allotment. Feet close together, bend back properly, do not twist.

Bending stupidly results in 2 prolapsed discs and a year off work grin

And it fecking hurts.

TigerseyeMum Thu 03-Mar-11 14:08:56

Oh yes, re: trains. Do not assume the train that has always gone from Platform 1 and stops at your town will always do so. Sometimes the trains at Platform 1 have a little aay day and go somewhere completely different. For hours and hours on end. Oh yes.

OTheHugeManatee Thu 03-Mar-11 14:16:58

"Rub eyes after chopping chillies - ow. And yet I do it almost every time {idiot}"

It's even worse if you have a wank. confused

WriterofDreams Thu 03-Mar-11 14:18:10

Do not use a hanger to pull yourself up into a high cupboard. The hanger will slip and you will fall backwards, ending up with a plug embedded in your ass cheek. Yes, this did actually happen, and no, it didn't really hurt that much. It was more painful having to listen my mum and sister take the piss out of me for about ten years afterwards. Disappointingly I do not have a plug-shaped scar on my ass.

BumsOnSeats Thu 03-Mar-11 14:23:49

When you have an old dog in the house who can be, ahem, unreliable, do not pick small brown crumb off the sofa and pop it in your mouth, assuming it is chocolate envy = vomm

BumsOnSeats hahahahahahahahahahaha

Nagoo Thu 03-Mar-11 14:30:32

first time I shaved my legs I tried to wipe the hairs out of the razor using my thumb. I didn't do that again.

LOVE the tooth advice grin

Nagoo Thu 03-Mar-11 14:31:58

BumsOnSeats for that reason, in this house we do not eat lost raisins.

<rediscovered raisins? oh whatever....>

BumsOnSeats Thu 03-Mar-11 14:57:52

Nagoo, I feel your pain. Trouble is, I am addicted to chocolate - it is almost automatic to put something that I think is chocolate into my mouth, without actually thinking about it blush.

I did the razor thing too. It doesn't actually hurt at the moment you do it, does it? Stings like buggery afterwards though!

Acanthus Thu 03-Mar-11 15:07:17

I know. It is without a doubt the most pathetic thing I've ever done.

kenobi Thu 03-Mar-11 15:08:05

Put a berocca in your coke can because you are hung over, while standing on a crowded tube next to a small Jewish boy wearing his best suit and yarmulke and clearly about to go to a bar mitzvah or something important [stupid asshole emoticon]

Put a razor in my spongbag without its guard on. I have done this three times now and have tiny scars on both of my index fingers, I think I MUST have finally learned.

Not to check ex-boyfriend's hotmail just because you set it up for him and know his password. I only did that once and broke my heart all over again. sad

PigeonPie Thu 03-Mar-11 15:08:49

Don't sew over your finger with the sewing machine; the needle will break in your finger. Do remember that you bought some long nosed pliers and that you know where they are to take out said bit of needle protruding from finger. Reader - it hurt... and bled!

kenobi Thu 03-Mar-11 15:09:54

Oh yes and to never again step on a cockroach in bare feet, feel it squish between your toes,and in horror hop to the 'water feature' to wash it off and feel the goldfish eat the cockroach off your toes. boak.

I. am. not. kidding.

"First time I shaved my legs I tried to wipe the hairs out of the razor using my thumb. I didn't do that again."

I did (do it again).

kenobi Thu 03-Mar-11 15:12:49

manatee "It's even worse if you have a wank."

yep, done that too... grin

<boak> at kenobi shock

poorbuthappy Thu 03-Mar-11 15:15:33

christ, I've just thrown up a bit kenobi...

ShirtyGerty Thu 03-Mar-11 15:29:27

During a power cut, walk down the stairs holding a candle to guide the fightened cat to its supper.

(The frightened cat will trip you up. You will drop the candle. Before it goes out it will singe the cat and the carpet. Then you will step on the candle holder - one of those with a spike - and have to pull it out of your foot. In the dark.)

catseverywhere Thu 03-Mar-11 15:30:37

When taking a bath with scented candles, avoid putting them too close to the head end of the bath or you may set fire to your hair. When if this happens, do not be tempted, in your panic, to flap wildly at the candle as the ensuing wax will escape and get onto the carpet, the bathmat, the bath and your skin, diminishing your enjoyment of the relaxing bathtime experience.

LemonEmmaP Thu 03-Mar-11 15:40:45

Do not attempt to clean the sticky grass cuttings that haven't quite made it into the collecting basket, while leaving the motor running. That funny whooshy feeling near your fingers - that's the blade. Luckily I twigged that one just in time.

thefirstMrsDeVere Thu 03-Mar-11 15:42:47

Do NOT try and 'freshen up' a stale doughnut in the microwave and then bite into it. Hot jam is VERY hot.

Soluble/swallowable lemsip tablets are one or the other. You cannot make them soluble in your mouth. You put them in a glass of water OR you swallow them.

It is however, hilariously funny when your OH does it and his mouth gets all frothy. Ha ha.

Dont trust a politition who says they will not allow disabled children's services to be affected by swingeing cuts (I didnt believe him but a lot of others are going to learn the hard way)

kenobi Thu 03-Mar-11 15:43:26

I didn't even MEAN to stand on the cockroach, but this was Australia and they were everywhere sad

I love this thread. How on earth do we continue to function as a species. It's like near misses from the Darwin Awards grin

Debs75 Thu 03-Mar-11 15:44:34

Light a cigarette off a gas hob when hair is spayed into place with half a can of hairspray. I lost my whole fringe as a result and singed an eyebrow.

rasta Thu 03-Mar-11 15:44:59

Listen to that little dull voice in your head. If it says "this guy is a loon, run for the hills" then for the love of god DO IT!

CaurnieBred Thu 03-Mar-11 15:45:50

Don't confuse your contact lense solutions and put cleaner on the lense prior to insertion rather than the wetting solution.

Don't, when you are 9 and have watched your mother using cold wax strips, think "that looks like fun - I will try that tomorrow before I go to school"

jaggythistle Thu 03-Mar-11 15:48:00

Do not do fecking pregnancy tests early!!!

<currently in huff after imaginary line yesterday and nowt today>

Debs75 Thu 03-Mar-11 15:50:40

Don't play 'shots' with absinthe.
You will spend the next hour looking very doped up and wandering around like a lost soul.

catseverywhere Thu 03-Mar-11 15:54:28

Do not automatically believe and act upon instructions from the woman in the satnav, especially when you have 20 minutes to get to a meeting 20 minutes' drive away and she tells you to go in the complete opposite direction to the one you know you need.

Sniff boiling tea up the spout of the kettle.

I was about 10 and decided to see what tea smelt like, I shuck the end of the spout up my nostril and sniffed deeply... the result was very bad burns up my nose and on my face and a nice set of skin graphs....

I told everyone I got smacked in the face with a netball!

Second one is not to lick the ice cube tray after your dad tells you not to, my toung got stuck I panicked and ripped it off taking a nice chunk of toung with it. OUCH!

Blu Thu 03-Mar-11 15:57:11

Go through the car wash with the windows open
Drink a sambucca while drunk and forget to blow out the flames

Stand too close to the car door and slam it hard so it hits you in the head and sends you reeling.

Done it twice.

NosyRosie Thu 03-Mar-11 16:01:30

If a bowl has been in the microwave for 5 minutes, chances are it's fecking hot. Might be wise to use oven gloves.

pmsl btw WorkingItOutAsIGo!

Do not run a laser pen (which the cat finds really aggravating) up your beloved wife's behind whilst she's bent over doing the laundry - not unless you want 2 years' worth of shit! <nods firmly>

Oh, and I'm the wife, in case anyone wondered, and I still have striations on my arse from two sets of claws...

AbsDuCroissant Thu 03-Mar-11 16:07:31

If you are going to smoke, and light cigarettes from a gas hob, light the gas ring first, don't
- put cigarette in mouth
- lean over
- start gas
- light fire
you may lose your eyebrows

Also, don't decide to take a nice hot bath when drunk as it will only make it worse and your hangover will be DIRE

Ivegotmrbitey Thu 03-Mar-11 16:08:46

If you put a tube of tooth paste and a tube of E45 cream in your toilet bag, jet lag will ensure you brush your teeth with the E45.

I don't think I have ever tasted anything so bad, or long lasting!

whysolate Thu 03-Mar-11 16:08:56

Do not put a magnet on the tv screen. It will cost you a lot of money!

Do not drive into the back of a police car, not only will it cost you money but it will also cost you your dignity.

Do not staple your finger for a bet. It hurts.

Oh yes - and don't pull down the car boot door whilst still standing underneath it <wonders where to find the little circle of tweeting birdies and stars emoticon>

Do not, when new to pub job and feisty locals, under any circumstances attempt to serve someone asking for a Guinness shandy.

Or Baileys and lemonade. <think ectoplasm>

Sigh. I was young and naive. Now I'm just old and naive.

TigerseyeMum Thu 03-Mar-11 16:21:13

Catseverywhere I did that a few weeks ago in heavy rush hour traffic when I was late and in a hurry to pick up a senior manager from somwehere remote in the pitch black cold and rain.

Satnav told me to drive in the opposite direction. I thought it knew a short cut. No. It knew how to take me to the opposite side of town, turn me round then make me drive back through the centre of town where the traffic was heaviest, past the place I orginally left from and THEN out towards the place I should have been going in the first place hmm

Cue one waiting manager with a VERY catsbumface.

Talc and Turnips - yeah - and when you're a naive and attractive 18 year old new to serving in a pub don't fall for all the requests for things from the shleves that require you to bend over in front of them.

Huh. How come all my 'things you learned the hard way' are to do with bending over - maybe I should stop bending over <waggles eyebrows>

MakesCakes yes done that one too blush. Trouble is I usually drive a small car and then when I drive the family car I forget the dimensions are so much bigger and keep getting hurt.

Nosy thanks for sympathy grin

OTheHugeManatee Thu 03-Mar-11 16:46:10

Don't google dragon butter.

<still gibbering>

EdwardorEricCantdecide Thu 03-Mar-11 16:50:07

dont get the magnet TV thing?! confused

TigerseyeMum Thu 03-Mar-11 16:50:53

I really want to google it. How bad can it be? hmm

OnlyWantsOne Thu 03-Mar-11 16:56:48

some of these have made my toes and fingers curl up eurghhh

yy re hair removal cream and lady garden

OnlyWantsOne Thu 03-Mar-11 16:57:01

do not google dragon butter

grim

OnlyWantsOne Thu 03-Mar-11 16:57:16

or blue waffle for that matter [ throws up ]

CBear6 Thu 03-Mar-11 16:57:20

I learned to not be careless when leg shaving when one of those legs is mildly injured. When I was 12 I bumped my leg and had a lump/swollen bit on my shin from the knock. In the bath I was examining it and decided it would be a good time to shave my legs for the first time ever. Dad's sharpest razor, a steady hand, a firm grip, press-and-draaaag ... bye-bye lump, hello scarlet bath water. Still got the scar.

Not to drink something just because it's in a pop bottle. Sometimes it's not pop, it's Jeyes fluid.

Never to add "one extra egg" to a cake batter to "try thicken it up". It just makes it taste like a chocolate omelette.

Never to make Nigella's crustless pizza ever again. Disgusting doesn't even begin to cover the taste of pepperoni and cheese on top of what is essential a flat Yorkshire pudding.

Ivegotmrbitey Thu 03-Mar-11 16:58:25

Don't google things you see on MN! Hadn't recovered from blue waffle earlier but clearly hadn't learned any lessons. envy

OMG - blue waffle is soooo much worse than dragon butter - IT COMES WITH PICTURES <boak>

lazarusb Thu 03-Mar-11 17:13:45

Wonder what Blue Waffle is and be tempted to google it anyway.

Slice through a tendon while getting a knife out of it's packet, then proceed to cook dinner with the end of your finger hanging off and blood everywhere.

Give someone a bj with a small cold sore on your lip. blush (At least he has something to remember me by grin

Anal sex. Don't ask.

HumphreyCobbler Thu 03-Mar-11 17:16:01

Don't deadhead your roses in the immediate vicinity of a toddler.

theagedparent Thu 03-Mar-11 17:19:48

Never throw a stick for a dog when you still have it on the lead.

magnolia1970 Thu 03-Mar-11 17:20:18

Light a cigarette after a recently applied manicure. Thumb nail set on fire.

No matter how much of a hurry you're in always wear clothes when ironing, at the very least wear a bra.

OnlyWantsOne Thu 03-Mar-11 17:22:34

ahhahahahahhahahaha I did that today theagedparent - chucked the ball and hung the dog oops.

dont put your mobile phone in the microwave for 10 minutes and then wonder when you come back down stairs why a) the jacket potato you want for dinner is still on the working top and b) why the microwave & phone combo have fire damage and are fucked broken

OnlyWantsOne Thu 03-Mar-11 17:24:01

oh, and NEVER leave important legal documents on the kitchen table (not for even 10 minutes) incase the 4yr old decided she wants to do drawing...bugger

magnolia1970 Thu 03-Mar-11 17:28:00

I so want to stick a magnet to the tv to see what happens.

Don't store nail varnish remover next to eye make up remover. Wakes you up pretty damn fast.

off to google dragon butter and blue waffle >>>>>>>>>

OnlyWantsOne Thu 03-Mar-11 17:29:00

you will go blind magnolia

Right, I googled blue waffle. Then saw a link for mustard snack. Clicked said link. Off to bleach eyeballs.

magnolia1970 Thu 03-Mar-11 17:31:14

aaaarrghhhh my eyes my eyes

magnolia1970 Thu 03-Mar-11 17:32:15

dont google egg fried rice either.

StickyProblem Thu 03-Mar-11 17:43:24

Buttons haha!
I only googled pink sock, it was vile enough that your blue waffle and dragon butter are quite safe from my googleage.

These are hilarious...my faves are the chocolate, sorry poo eater, and the laser pen followed by cat bum attack!

I never mixed up nail glue with eyedrops...but I easily could have.

Never smile indulgently as the dog wanders round you leaving you hobbled by his extendable lead. It won't be so funny when he suddenly zooms off in pursuit of something and you have rope burns on the back of each ankle, which really hurt and leave very hard-to-explain scars.

munkymaz Thu 03-Mar-11 17:56:56

Always interrogate DH as to which knives he has sharpened to within an their lives prior to entering the kitchen. He won't accept that it is safer easier to chop onions when they are -- slightly-- blunt.

Never try to read a thread like this when drinking a hot cup of tea grin

HarrietTheSpook Thu 03-Mar-11 17:56:58

Never iron your shirt whilst actually wearing it. (It's true I'm a bit thick though.)

sharbie Thu 03-Mar-11 18:00:15

yy to ironing clothes while wearing

also don't ever iron your hair or bleach said hair with domestos

HarrietTheSpook Thu 03-Mar-11 18:06:05

I iron my hair all the time. Not joking. But Domestos. shock

GeekLove Thu 03-Mar-11 18:08:27

sharbie there was a rather obnoxious guy at university who did just that since he thought that bleach = hair bleach in England and wondered why his hair started falling out.

Same goes for not immac'ing your lady bits. Dermatitis ahoy!

Also if you dump your oven gloves on the gas hob mid-cooking make sure the gobs are actually off.

Never eat stray raisens in a house with a toddler.

GeekLove Thu 03-Mar-11 18:09:19

Gobs I meant hobs. Damn iphone auto correct.

Do not stick your pantliner on the wrong way round. Ouch.

sharbie Thu 03-Mar-11 18:12:30

i was 15 - luckily twas only the fringe - nothing happened grin
but the fact that it was so near my eyes and face etc
makes me shudder

When you're stripping wallpaper, and have pulled out an enormous picture hook leaving a hole directly above the socket, don't hold the steamer right over the hole. Unless you'd like to experience flying. Backwards across the room. Accompanied by a pretty blue flash.

Notalone Thu 03-Mar-11 18:21:54

toomanybuttons - Arrghhh - I will second what you just said. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever google image mustard snack. I feel like I am going to vomit. For the love of god why????!!!

Notalone Did you see a link for special fried rice? Click on it. I dare you grin

Notalone Thu 03-Mar-11 18:28:11

toomanybuttons shock shock. <weeps> I am scarred!!

blinder Thu 03-Mar-11 18:47:07

If you are ritually burning an angry letter to your ex in the garden, and the wax in your tea-light candle catches fire do not try to put it out with a cup of water.

I was blown backwards off my feet shock!

Very cathartic grin!

ItsJustAName Thu 03-Mar-11 18:48:50

So, so, so glad I started this thread lol.

These are brilliant!!!!

Do not assume that the cigarette lighter in your Dad's car is heated from a running engine..... Ouch! Had a lovely circular burn on the tip of my finger and had to go to bed with said finger in a glass of water!

LadyInPink Thu 03-Mar-11 18:50:11

If someone tells you on mumsnet to NOT google dragon butter, blue waffle and egg fried rice PLEASE do listen to them next time <retches into wastepaper basket bucket>

blinder Thu 03-Mar-11 18:58:00

If your bottle of tequila drops into the hot tub, don't laugh hysterically, retrieve it and drink from it.

Yukyukyukyukyukyuk

Bacteria soup sad

Also it had a slug on the neck of the bottle. <weeps>

googietheegg Thu 03-Mar-11 19:06:41

Aaahhh! Just googled mustard snack and now I feel poorly. Benefit is I do not want any supper.

TigerseyeMum Thu 03-Mar-11 19:09:38

Oh I so want to google now. Can I ask, before I do...does it have anything to do with vomit? Cos I am a tad phobic.

Anything else can't be that bad, surely.

Can it?

<<hovvers near Google Search button>>

No, nothing to do with vomit. Promise you grin

FFS, I didnt need to see mustard snack. Some people have fucking ishooos.

Spammead Thu 03-Mar-11 19:21:15

If you are in a situation where you have a bottle of wine but no corkscrew, do not attempt to open it with a wooden spoon and a tenuous understanding of physics.

piebald Thu 03-Mar-11 19:23:20

Aaaagh Darksideofmooncup eeeeeeeeeek I have got goosebumps reading that

whysolate Thu 03-Mar-11 19:25:09

Please! Don't put a magnet on your TV!

I should have said why, it was curiosity that got the better of me.

When I was younger I collected magnets hmm and my dad bought me a really good one. He said don't put it on the TV but never told me what would happen if I did.

Within about 53 seconds I put it on the screen. It went green and the picture got sucked up into the corner where the magnet was.

I got one of the most memorable bollockings of my life and mum and dad had to get a new TV. I never did get my magnet back.......

LadyInPink Thu 03-Mar-11 19:29:46

Arrggh my 6yr old DD collects magnets - wondering whether to tell her not to do it (which may make her try) or leave well enough alone!

Chil1234 Thu 03-Mar-11 19:40:21

I've learned that the correct answer to the airport question 'are you carrying anything for someone else?' is 'no'...... because, when I answered 'yes', it turned into a very long afternoon indeed.

Dawnybabe Thu 03-Mar-11 19:43:58

Always always always make sure that when you open the big up-and-over garage door that you open it fully.

Do not leave it hanging down assuming that everyone else will realise it's hanging down. Dh will not notice and walk straight into the corner of the door, nearly concussing himself, and however much you complain that he ought to have seen it, he will maintain that no-one in their right mind leaves it dangling so dangerously.

MrsJamin Thu 03-Mar-11 19:44:37

Never cut a bagel with your finger in the hole.

Dawnybabe Thu 03-Mar-11 19:48:16

And I second the advice about not googling blue waffle.

The bile is rising but I am fighting it.

Is it wrong to really, really want to try to suck the tv picture up with a magnet?

carocaro Thu 03-Mar-11 19:54:47

Don't listen to my brother who told me gran would find it hilarious if I told her I had hurt my 'C U Next Tuesday'. My Gran thought she was the queen and would stand for no sillyness whatsoever, thank goodness I didn't, she would have passed out, but I did tell my Mum and can see her now belting upstairs and yelling my brother's name!

Older brother's, the devils work. He once gave me some sweets and told me they were delicious. They were plaque disclosing tablets!

However much he stitched me up like a kipper, he was always there to protect me and look after me at school.

LoveMyGirls Thu 03-Mar-11 19:54:51

Do not spray bathroom moouse round the bath and light it to make the bathroom smell nice, it does make the room smell nice but if you use a lighter which doesnt work properly so lean into the bath - you will scorch your face and have no eyelashes, eyebrows or fringe and then will have to sit with your face in a bowl full of water while you try to ring your mum to take you to hospital inbetween sticking your face back in the bowl and the doctor will laugh at you and you will have to take liquid parafin in your handbag on the night out you had planned with the lad you had your eye on and you will have to explain the story and he will also laugh at you and take the piss forever. I can still smell the scorched hair. {I was very young, stupid and impressionable}

Do not bleach your teeth with household bleach.

TigerseyeMum Thu 03-Mar-11 19:58:38

I am too chicken grin

MrsChemist Thu 03-Mar-11 20:06:03

Listen to signs when they say, "please do not ride your bike down the hill"

I've still got a scar on my head from heading into a ditch, and as well as the bleeding head wound and bruises all over my body, I received a wedgie so forceful that it bruised

Who knew going over the handlebars of a bike would even give you a wedgie.

CBear6 Thu 03-Mar-11 20:15:24

Don't superglue photo frames to the wall because you got frustrated that the picture hook kept falling out. The glue keeps them up but you have to leave them behind when you move.

Don't laugh at DS when he does something a little bit naughty even if it is also funny because he'll just do it more.

Don't watch that Junior Doctors on BBC3 when they're based at the RVI, you have an irrational fear of a junior doctor accidentally maiming you, and you've got to bloody go there tomorrow!

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 03-Mar-11 20:22:59

Never not me, my mum get up late, and try to iron school uniform half asleep. Don't forget that you have already turned the iron on, and DEFINITELY, don't put the iron to your cheek to see if its hot yet. You will have to walk around for a fortnight with five steam holes burned into your face and everyone will point, laugh and take the piss! grin

twoistwiceasfun Thu 03-Mar-11 20:23:18

do not take a casserole out of the oven, carefully remove the lid with an oven glove, put it down, stir the casserole and then attempt to put the lid back on without using an oven glove. I've done it about 5 times now angry

Also, when dishing up dinner for the children and putting it back in the oven to keep warm while you sort out the requests for drinks, assistance with bibs etc, forget that you have left a metal serving spoon in the dish (and in the oven). Do not try to dish up dinner with a red hot serving spoon. Do not, if you are my husband, then do the exact same thing in an attempt to serve dinner while I am running the cold tap over my burnt fingers.

headfairy Thu 03-Mar-11 20:26:26

I won't ever kick a child's toy lorry in fury when it's left lying around the kitchen again <rubs poorly broken toe>

Do not crush up and snort Mefanamic Acid (mild anti-inflamatory prescribed to treat period pains) even if you are a stupid teenager who thinks snorting stuff is cool. Seriously, if it has 'acid' the title, it is not going to feel good on your sinuses [still shuddering 15 years later]

Do not stick one of those high-chair toys with the suction base to your forehead and pretend to be a unicorn unless you want to spend the rest of the week with a massive red bruise in the centre of your forehead and all your family laughing at you.

MavisEnderby Thu 03-Mar-11 20:28:37

Never ever go out in the garden on a damp night with no shoes on to rescue the cat.The horrid slimy sensation when you tread on a slug is indescribably horrid.

AandRMum Thu 03-Mar-11 20:29:02

Try to lick an icecream drip off an old fashioned freezer door.

AandRMum Thu 03-Mar-11 20:32:15

Leave car door hanging wide open when over excited at picking up sister from airport - very embarrassing moment as sister dead worried the car had been broken into and had to explain I had actually left it that way.

Leave front door swinging wide open in confusion of piling kids in car - there seems to be a thread developing here!

AandRMum Thu 03-Mar-11 20:32:50

Walking through house with cricket bat as thought house had been robbed!!

If you are dropping a large carving knife the correct response is not to raise your leg to kick it out the way of your foot.

You'll be amazed the size of hole a blade tip can make in your shin. hmm

MooseyMoo Thu 03-Mar-11 20:37:16

Don't leave Deep Heat and Pile cream next to one another in bathroom. Easily confused when not wearing glasses...

<snort> @ southwestwhippets unicorn grin

MrsChemist Thu 03-Mar-11 20:38:25

Southwestwhippet, DH did something similar with a rubber duck. He squished it on his forehead so it would stick there.

It left him with what could only be described as a rubber duck love bite on his forehead.

When it has been snowing, and there's about 4 inches of frozen snow on your car, that has been there for over a week - don't turn your windscreen wipers on to clear the windscreen.

The blades will be frozen to the screen, and the weight of frozen snow will be such that it will wreck not only the wiper blades but also the motor.

And it will cost you more than £300 to have fixed.

melodyangel Thu 03-Mar-11 20:42:14

It's slightly worrying that we are the guardians of the next generation.

Mine are

Don't use lillets after chopping chilis.

Don't wax your bikini line a two days before your EDD.

Oh and on my DP's behalf

Don't have very vigorous sex two days after having the snip.

Do not argue with the man in the Audi who is trying to nick the last space in the car park of the business you have an interview with in 20 minutes, he will turn out to be the interviewer and you will not get the job.

whysolate Thu 03-Mar-11 20:43:34

ladyinpink Trust me, just don't mention it!

TooManyButtons Disclaimer: Whyso accepts no responsibility for damage (repairable or otherwise) caused to TV by placing a magnet on (or anywhere near)it.

I learned the hard way not to do it again!

Invisiblesoul Thu 03-Mar-11 20:44:08

I had the hangover from hell, I mean worst ever. And my best friend was on the phone "helping" me through it. She sent me the link for blue waffle as I was moaning that I wanted something sweet. I was VIOLENTLY sick.

Schulte Thu 03-Mar-11 20:44:48

AndRMum - did you tongue get stuck? grin

happybubblebrain Thu 03-Mar-11 20:45:34

Don't pour cement down the drain, unless you like sticking your hands in regularly to unblock it.

mummypontipine Thu 03-Mar-11 20:48:24

don't touch a fence just to check that your dd was right when she said it was an elecric fence

don't bite down on your keyring so as not to shout at arguing dc's as it can result in a broken tooth

don't put your finger in boiling sugar to check it's at the right temp while warning ds how hot boiling sugar is

happybubblebrain Thu 03-Mar-11 20:50:54

Don't use the sink as a bin, unless you like regularly unblocking that too.

Snuppeline Thu 03-Mar-11 20:52:33

Oh Lauzifer I can't stop laughing!!! My addition would be: don't apply new face mask to face before a hot date. Tomato red and itchy does not make for snogging!

ZuzuBailey Thu 03-Mar-11 20:53:47

Don't lean over your scented wax burner to blow out the tealight inside it. Molten wax is very hot and sticks to your face.

AandRMum Thu 03-Mar-11 20:55:16

Tongue thoroughly stuck schulte - brother then poured boiling water over it to unstick me! Talked with a Rocky-like voice for a week.

Another one, from just now:

When reversing your car, don't assume you know better than the parking sensor which is beeping madly, even though you can't see anything behind you. There WILL be a recycling box right behind you, you WILL run it over, it WILL wedge itself under the car, and you will crack the bumper while trying to drag the bastard thing out remove it.

It's dh's car. Fuck.

AandRMum Thu 03-Mar-11 20:56:13

LOL grin Southwest I can so imagine doing that!

MavisEnderby Thu 03-Mar-11 20:56:23

Do NOT if you are a stupid Northerner from the sticks and visiting London,get off at Russell Square tube station,frown at the queue waiting for the lift,and say "Come on ds,lets take the stairs,I'm not waiting around in this queue".175 steps of spiral staircase later you will be craving oxygen and a defibrillator.

mrsmillsfanclub Thu 03-Mar-11 20:57:33

Do not try to act sexy with the swarthy, turkish chip shop owner. Do not lean alluringly over his scalding hot cabinet of cod, pies and saveloy, or you will end up with small burn marks on your side still slightly visable in 20 years time blush
A 15yr old with a kylie perm in a greasy chippy was never going to seduce him anyway.

May I add to TooManyButton's post: do not assume there will be no-one parked behind you on your own driveway and just start reversing blush

Zuzu My dh did that at a works do - leaned over to blow a candle out and splashed himself in the face with molten wax. What makes it all the more hilarious is that he was there in his professional capacity - as a health & safety manager...

ziptoes Thu 03-Mar-11 20:58:16

...try to go to the loo in a Virgin Pendolino train with a baby in tow. The floor of train toilets is not the nicest place to leave a baby while you pee, and the baby changer is positioned right over the loo leaving you only about 2 foot of space to cram yourself in to pee, which makes it likely you'll miss the loo and pee all over the floor, which is probably one of the reasons that the toilets are so grungy in the first place.

(apologies to all the passengers who used the loo after me and DS)

probably designed by young men with no kids.

Oh, and don't perch the changing bag on the sink - the taps come on automatically!

teenyanne Thu 03-Mar-11 20:58:42

Check that you know where the stick to hold the car bonnet up goes in before trying to fill water / check oil level. When it falls down, it's rather painful and could end with near decapitation / cracked skull or at the very least mild concussion and feeling rather like a stupid woman who should have left car things to her dh. blush

Indaba Thu 03-Mar-11 20:59:52

and on behalf of my husband, do not shout swear, hoot and flash headlights at Porsche driver who cuts you up.....then run into the back of his Porsche

MigratingCoconuts Thu 03-Mar-11 21:00:18

I learned not to open a wood fire air vent with my fingers when I was a kid...

I also learned not to stick a coffee bean up my nose....( I was 3, ok!)

and I learned not to stick my fingers in the spokes of a spinning bike wheel...(again, 3)

hmm its amazing I have any fingers left now I think about it.

However, the horse worming tablet story is my personal fave too grin

Wotznotnow Thu 03-Mar-11 21:04:35

If you get told on MN not to google something DON"T (faints)

FourFortyFour Thu 03-Mar-11 21:07:59

Do not use your fingers to wipe of food off the mixer while it is switched on. I think I haven't done this again.

Don't switch the blender/food mixer on without the lid on.

Another one who has cleaned the razor blade with my finger more than once hmm but I do it very carefully hmm.

marmalade32 Thu 03-Mar-11 21:08:56

I did the staple finger thing - hurts a lot.

If you have earache don't follow the old wives tale of pouring a couple of drops of olive oil down your ear to soothe it-perforated eardrum and 3 months of such bad balance kept falling over in Tesco, and every time I get a cold now I go deaf in that ear for at least 2 weeks.

Too many to mention-but if you have to ask "I wonder if it would hurt if I........"-it will really hurt and be embarassing and make you look like a tit !

FourFortyFour Thu 03-Mar-11 21:19:00

Also don't put your whole hand on the hob ring to see if it is still hot. I think I was pregnant at the time.

daisymaybe Thu 03-Mar-11 21:20:32

Staple finger: check.

Used to conduct fascinating science experiments down the stables with the electric fence: what conducts? Lots, as it turns out.

Excelled myself recently: got a lift home from my boss. When I got out, popped my head back in to the car to say thank you, as you do. Unfortunately my arm took on a life of it's own and decided to close the car door. On my head.

Passed out on street, had to go to hospital and explain repeatedly that I had shut my own head in a car door. The consultant kept asking, "But WHY?"

Not a good look.

AboardtheAxiom Thu 03-Mar-11 21:22:10

Not to try to warm up a metal spoon you are about to use as an ice cream scoop in the toaster. hmm

Not to google anything you are told not to google [vom]

AboardtheAxiom Thu 03-Mar-11 21:24:06

Not to try to climb over a safety gate - it's their for a reason and you will end up scarred for life.

Not to thread potato peelings onto a sharp sharp knife for 'fun'.

To look ahead of you as you run as fast as you can. There may be a concrete lampost up ahead.

jaggythistle Thu 03-Mar-11 21:33:32

To look ahead while admiring your windmill on a stick. there may be a concrete lampost ahead.

Don't try and ride your bike with your feet on the front fork. If your foot slips into the spokes your bike will stop very quickly and your elbow will be smeared onto the road.

blinder Thu 03-Mar-11 21:33:53

Perfume is not breath freshener. It's yukky.

nobodyimportant Thu 03-Mar-11 22:04:15

Don't check if the pasta shells are cooked by eating one without first emptying the boiling water out of it. It will scald your mouth, you won't be able to eat the cooked pasta when it is ready. Your DH will laugh, a lot.

Don't try and peel all the skin off an apple in one go using a sharp knife without moving your little finger out of the way as you go round. You'll cut the end off your finger. And faint. Your DH will panic.

Mumkey71 Thu 03-Mar-11 22:24:53

Helped myself to some cough medicine (aged 8) only to find out later that the reason I was burping up bubbles for the rest of the day was because I'd taken my baby sisters special shampoo. I can't remember what her condition was but I can still remember what it tasted like 30 yrs on!

SaharaS Thu 03-Mar-11 22:29:59

Fry eggs for eight people in washing up liquid... Was camping in France, cooking breakfast without glasses on. Thought washing up liquid was sunflower oil on account of big sunflower on the bottle... They did fry nicely, but one by one people started clutching their throats and squeaking...

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 03-Mar-11 22:32:49

Dont drive past a wrecked car in a field. Always stop and look. I did this the other day. Thought it was an old wreck. When I drove past later, the roof had been removed. I feel really shit now!

Rollergirl1 Thu 03-Mar-11 22:39:09

Do not snort liquid (specifically neat vodka from a spoon) through your nose. It is just wrong and will give you a cold. A vodka cold.

Do not arm-wrestle a friend at 3am in the morning while you have a 10month old baby at home. You will acquire a fracture to the humerous (very bad break). You will require surgery that gives you an arm-length scar and a plate in your arm. And you will not be able to carry your baby for 3 months.

fully engage my brain before I ask dh any sort of question, such as while stood on the pier at Blackpool looking out to sea asking is that the north sea then? I realised as soon as I said it I wasn't on the east coast blush

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 03-Mar-11 22:47:03

As my sister found out to her detriment, you should NEVER dye your hair without first doing a skin test. Even if you have used the same product before. Unless you wish to end up in hospital on oxygen with a head like 'Hey Arnold'!

kissingfrogs Thu 03-Mar-11 23:05:01

Do not listen to boss when he says legal docs need delivering to solicitor in next 10 mins, jump into his bald-tyred pickup truck, speed off down muddy country road, skid, flip pickup up verge and high into the air to land upside down precariously on large blackthorn hedge.

How to get out of said predicament: move slightly (exhaling held breath will do). This will unbalance pickup and it will slowly topple off hedge to land upright in cow field. Do not be alarmed as herd of cows surround you whilst awaiting sacking rescue from furious boss.

Kewcumber Thu 03-Mar-11 23:21:48

do not drop a lit match into an ashtray full of cigarette buts (in the days when you could smoke in pubs) then eanover and blow it out - then ashen faced/zombie look is not sexy and you look like a pillock.

Do not squirt a pile of acrylic nail glue (essentially superglue) into the palm of your hand "oh bugger its blcked, I'll just squueze harder, oh shit its not blocked any more" then grab for your nail varnish remover sodden cotton wool to mop it up wth. Who knew there is a chemical reaction between acetone and superglue which can necessitate a trip to Chelsea and Westminster burns unit. On the upside - my 15 minutes of fame - there is a fax about me to all burns units in the country as apparently they weren't aware of this phenomenon either.

ItsJustAName Thu 03-Mar-11 23:27:42

Even more excitng, my thread is on the discussion of the day - next step, Mumsnet Classics grin

morfamawddach Thu 03-Mar-11 23:30:05

Do not gargle eau de cologne just because Scarlett O' Hara did. It will dissolve your soft palate.

GrannyMo Thu 03-Mar-11 23:39:01

If hat blows off on windy and snowy day, let it go and buy another cos chasing hat over a small grassy slope in the snow can result in open fracture of tib & fib, looking a twit in front of colleagues and time off work for eight months. blush

NB Really try not to chase hat etc four months before daughter's wedding. Crutches plus that wedding outfit bought to wear with high heels, is not a good look. wink

notsweatingthesmallstuff Fri 04-Mar-11 00:08:56

Do not use disabled toilet with a small child in tow and then allow said small child to wonder under the hand drier (you know the sort, the ones that are like a jet engine). The small child WILL scream, run in the opposite direction and manage to push open the door you didn't lock properly, all while you are still sitting with your knickers round your ankles!

Celestialstarlight Fri 04-Mar-11 01:00:06

And again...google Blue waffle shock

PavlovtheCat Fri 04-Mar-11 05:10:42

I learnt the tender age of 12 not to eat tinned ham. Apart from it being vile, the tin never opened with the stupid key that comes with it, as it always snapped off half way. wrapped my hands in a tea towel to try pulling it apart and sliced deep into my thumb and middle finger.

Spammead Fri 04-Mar-11 07:59:55

GrannyMo you reminded me of one.

Do not, if someone's hat blows off whilst on a canal boat, attempt to slam it into reverse for a three point turn to go back and retrieve it. The steering lever will break off in your hand, leaving you adrift. There will be a frantic search for sellotape which will turn into an even more frantic search for plasters. During this search there will be many near-misses with other canal boats including one, inexplicably, full of AC/DC fans all flipping you the bird. Once the steering lever has been patched back on with plasters, DO wait for the lock keeper to help you at the lock you need to get through to reach the canal boat garage, because otherwise it will be near impossible to get the boat close enough to the side for it to be securely moored, meaning that it will slowly drift into the waterfall of water which comes in once the lock opens, slowly filling the boat with water, threatening to sink it and drown you.

Also, once all this has happened, the lock has been closed and danger averted, DO pop your head up and wave at your friends instead of fussing about trying to get everything off the floor and away from the water inside the boat, or else they will think you have drowned. Please ignore this if the lock keeper happens to be good-looking because he will start to strip in an effort to leap in and save you.

Spammead Fri 04-Mar-11 08:14:10

Oh yes.

Do not, if you are totally inexperienced at boating, attempt to go through a mile-long tunnel during your first hour on board. You will have no idea where the headlight is and will subsequently travel three quarters of a mile in pitch darkness, in terror, screaming at every mysterious drip and odd bit of whatever brushing against you, cringing every time the boat scrapes the side and something falls off it with a splash. The headlight will eventually be located by glow of mobile phone and will be switched on to reveal that another boat has started to come through the tunnel from the other end as you were so slow that the lights changed. You will be sworn at.

specialknickers Fri 04-Mar-11 08:40:48

Do not accidentally lock yourself out of your flat whilst dying knickers in a saucepan on the stove in a foreign country.

The embarrassment of running to the police station to explain to a Dutch copper why they needed to help me break into a back window of my flat (forth floor) in case my knickers burned the whole house down is not something I would care to repeat.

Moosemummy Fri 04-Mar-11 08:50:52

Drying knickers in a saucepan!!!!! Mooncup in saucepan I understand, knickers, nope, you've lost me

OnlyWantsOne Fri 04-Mar-11 09:17:24

dying

Oh another one learned the hard way

Do not ever run headlong into the garden without first checking that the patio doors are open

SpiderObsession Fri 04-Mar-11 09:53:20

If you have a gate to a horse field open and a large horse spots it and gallops towards you, let the sod through. A game of gate-chicken will only result in your hand being crushed between the gate and the post by the weight of the disgruntled horse.

At least I won. grin

StillSquiffy Fri 04-Mar-11 09:57:36

My father will explain that when doing the very final bit of wallpapering in a room and struggling with the tricky bit around the window sill, it is never a good idea to simply grab the first thing to hand to stand on. Especially when that thing happens to be an empty fishtank.

Not only will you end up in hospital for two weeks, but the blood from the resultant severed achilles will create the most impressive pattern across all the wallpaper you just put up.

dustythedolphin Fri 04-Mar-11 10:36:49

Drive too fast down unfamiliar country lanes, which are often used by huge tractors = one very dented car blush

Haven't shut my finger in a car door for several decades, but a friend did slam the car boot shut... onto her nipple shock

Another friend stripped his kitchen door with paint stripper, forgot to wash his hands, then went for a pee (ouch!)

FourFortyFour Fri 04-Mar-11 10:46:44

Don't super glue wall paper to the wall as you will super glue your 2 fingers together. hmm

HerMajestiesSecretCervix Fri 04-Mar-11 10:52:32

Do not re-set the trip meter on you car by reaching through the steering wheel whilst you are driving around a corner.

It fucking hurts and the embarrassment of explaining just how you broke your arm will stay with you forever.

nobodyimportant Fri 04-Mar-11 10:54:53

Ah yes, if you have a pony with a history of being difficult to catch, but that has for the last few months been very good, don't assume that it is now safe to leave the gate open when you go into the field to get her...

I thought of another one - do not hoick on the upper edge of your bra to adjust it without first making sure you have a rock solid grip. It is very embarrassing to have to explain to people that you punched yourself in the eye (hence the bruising), and all in the course of adjusting your underwear...

Do not take a spare pair of knickers to work with you to change into before you go for the dreaded smear test.

Do not accidentally and for reasons that are still unclear, put dirty knickers in a plastic bag in your boss's handbag which she then looks in and emits an almightly scream! blush

malteser pmsl. Please please please explain why you put your dirty knickers in your boss's handbag?

Loving this thread grin

Quodlibet Fri 04-Mar-11 11:25:18

Do not check to see what the jigsaw blade has jammed on by feeling with one hand while the other hand is still pressing the trigger.

Do not fall asleep with the cat sitting on your chest and licking your nose. You will wake up with all the skin removed from your nose.

Do not have vigorous sex on carpetted stairs. The friction burn marks in equally-spaced lines are a bugger to explain.

Do not empty stuff into the outdoor bin in the dark, realise you have dropped something and pick it up without first putting the outdoor light on. It will not be a bit of rubbish, but will be a hedgehog....

Bumblelion Fri 04-Mar-11 11:36:19

If you use Ariel liquid tabs and one bursts in the plastic box, leaving gel all over the other tablets, do not attempt to rinse off the gel off the other tablets. Result - one huge globby (such a word?) mess.

Skifit Fri 04-Mar-11 11:40:04

LOok before you leap. . .in all capacities as it were !

Spangers Fri 04-Mar-11 11:47:56

Do listen to your dad when he says to be careful playing outside as the huge conrete steps are slippy, as you will slip on them and knock your 2 front teeth out.

Don't use your hand to push down the rubbish in the bin, a sharp tuna can lid will cut your palm open nicely.

Don't give your lttle sister a glass milk bottle to use in a water fight because you want the better squirty bottle, she will cut her wrists open and you will spend the lovely sunny afternoon in A&E.

Don't run into a big glass door in a hurry, it will swing right open, hit the barrier and the shock will smash the whole glass frontage of the building you are trying to leave, right on your head.

Spangers Fri 04-Mar-11 11:52:31

Oh and soap flakes are not a good alternative to dishwasher tablets when you have run out, unless you fancy an impromptu foam party in your kitchen.

Workingitout I genuinely don't know how it happened. It was all an embarrassing blur. I can be scatty at the best of times but this takes the biscuit!

Fortunately we all worked for the NHS so she wasn't too squeamish and found it hilarious. I believe it has been mentioned once or twice since!

Debs75 Fri 04-Mar-11 12:20:14

Do not close a glazed door that sticks with your hand on the glass, it will smash and you will be in A&E with a sliced wrist.

Always tie your laces before going out.(Doc martens might have looked cool with super long laces but only when fastened) I slammed the door, laces got stuck i fell over. Then do not bang loudly on glass to wakec sis up and smash the glass.

Lucifera Fri 04-Mar-11 12:31:46

Try to refill a cooker lighter with lighter fuel, spill it all over the outside and then click it to see if it works. Seeing my hand on fire was alarming.

OTheHugeDaffodils Fri 04-Mar-11 12:57:28

Never use the missionary position when having vigorous sex n the living room carpet. I still have a scar on my sacrum.

Never, as a teenage stablehand, turn out a horse into the field of yearlings without closing the gate. The 30 panicky minutes you then spend chasing sniggering horses up and down the lane will feel like ten years.

And from DP: Never, as a 20-year-old undergraduate, try to save time getting to your tutorial by skipping over low chain fence while wearing winklepickers.

Not only will you lose both front teeth, but 18 years later you will get an infection in one of the veneers, resulting in a pus explosion on the plane back from a client meeting and £2,000 worth of extremely painful dental treatment.

alexandra65 Fri 04-Mar-11 12:59:36

Do not think, if a drunken haze, that you can climb from one boat to another in a long dress and tiara. You will end up in hospital with a broken and dislocated shoulder.

mellicauli Fri 04-Mar-11 13:03:08

Everything floats in the Dead Sea, except car keys..

RustyRainbow Fri 04-Mar-11 13:11:20

Do not put your DSs rubber chicken in your handbag and forget about it. Do not then go and meet a client with said chicken in your handbag - neatly folded in half for maximum spring effect when you open your handbag.

OTheHugeDaffodils Fri 04-Mar-11 13:21:12

Rusty I don't agree. I think more people should go to client meetings deliberately planning to release a spring-loaded rubber chicken at them.

RustyRainbow Fri 04-Mar-11 13:23:15

grin - well, it certianly broke the ice....

Underachieving Fri 04-Mar-11 13:24:46

You can not expect to get away with leaving a 40 stone motorcycle facing down hill in neutral with the engine running while you just hop off to put some letters in the post box.

It wasn't watching it make it's way down the hill, or even the cost of replacing the fairing, 2 indicators and an exhaust that really got to me. It was having to knock on doors to ask neighbours to help me get the 40 stone leviathan upright and facing back uphill again to go home. They still remember hangs head in shame. No one laughed. blush

woollyideas Fri 04-Mar-11 13:24:47

Don't step into the garden when it's blowing galeforce winds with a deep tray of hot ash straight out of the Rayburn.

Underachieving Fri 04-Mar-11 13:28:22

That bath-bomb tainted popcorn that Lush Christmas boxes are packed with is not poisonous to dogs.

God that was a panic, with a killer hangover, at 7am on boxing day morning, with a 10 litre bucket of the stuff missing and very unhappy collie doing the help me, I think I might die big eyes thing.

Underachieving Fri 04-Mar-11 13:29:58

Darling friends partner is called PHIL. Her psycho druggie ex is called PAUL. Do not get this confused when making calls from her mobile outside of A&E when she's injured herself. Security dealt with it. She forgave me.

OTheHugeDaffodils Fri 04-Mar-11 13:39:40

Don't turn your head to talk to members of your family over your shoulder while carrying a tray of just-poured-from-the-boiling-saucepan fudge out to the conservatory to cool.

Even if, 15 years later, the resulting scar looks fetchingly like a map of Europe it's not worth the sensation of sugar fusing with the skin of your wrist at 110 degrees C.

magnolia1970 Fri 04-Mar-11 13:47:55

Don't use normal white emulsion to paint bathroom floor unless you want to leave white footprints leading from bathroom to rest of house following bath.

Don't snort black pepper, even for a dare...

PavlovtheCat Fri 04-Mar-11 14:06:39

shock Blue waffle. Luckily I have already had my lunch.

blinder Fri 04-Mar-11 14:48:01

When draining pasta through a colander, don't do it at the stove. Try holding it over the sink first.

OTheHugeDaffodils Fri 04-Mar-11 14:49:39

Don't take a serving of bolognese to work in a former houmous pot, and put it in the microwave without decanting first. Plastinated pasta sauce (plasta sauce?) doesn't taste good.

ooh - you've made Classics! Have a wine

McGill Fri 04-Mar-11 15:15:55

Don't rely on breast feeding as a contraceptive-some sperm are just TOO good at swimming....

whysolate Fri 04-Mar-11 15:29:17

With you mcGill!

MissJanuary Fri 04-Mar-11 15:31:07

Don't fall over and land at weird angle, resulting in clamping fleshy bit of thigh in red hot hair straightening irons ooowwwwwww!

WriterofDreams Fri 04-Mar-11 15:32:03

McGill, I was really surprised to read on the Kellymom website that breastfeeding can be up to 98% effective as a contraceptive! That sounds totally barmy to me - I never thought it was a contraceptive at all - apart from killing your libido that is grin

nickelbabe Fri 04-Mar-11 15:35:46

"outnumbered2to1

to put my hand on the hob of the cooker to see if it was still on...... i did only burn the top half of three fingers....."

I did that too!! shock

I was 6 - and it wasn't on - my mum told me not to touch it because it was still hot, but I said "it doesn't look hot" and put my hand on it, full force.

burnt my entire palm, all shaped like the ring on the cooker!

nickelbabe Fri 04-Mar-11 15:44:42

"PigeonPie Thu 03-Mar-11 15:08:49

Don't sew over your finger with the sewing machine; the needle will break in your finger. Do remember that you bought some long nosed pliers and that you know where they are to take out said bit of needle protruding from finger. Reader - it hurt... and bled!"

not true! it doesn't always break! - although, when it happened to me, i think i was very lucky.
it did two full stitches.
An all anyone cared about was that i didn't get blood on my shirt. grin (itwas my very first thought too!)

Don't ski through a gap just wider than your shoulders with your ski pole balanced across your open hands.

I was the instructor too blush

Celestialstarlight Fri 04-Mar-11 15:53:52

Don't put your 3mnth old DS2 on a changing station full of bathwater and attempt to move it across your bathroom. Said changing station will collapse, DS2 will fall on his head and therefore you will feel like the worst mother in the whole entire history of the universe and you will suffer an appropriate amount of guilt for the rest of your life hmm

lemonmousse Fri 04-Mar-11 15:56:44

Don't throw dirty washing down the stairs to save time - the shame of turing up for work with a pair of knickers in my coat hood.....

Maybe that's another lesson - don't leave your coat on the bannister - put it away in the cupboard!

Celestialstarlight Fri 04-Mar-11 15:58:36

Do not attempt to indulge in any spray tanning activity in your cream bathroom without first covering your cream shower base, cream bath mat, cream walls...nuff said

LimburgseVlaai Fri 04-Mar-11 16:01:23

Always make sure the milk bottle top is firmly screwed on before you give the bottle a vigorous shake.

[NOTE FOR YOUNGER MNers: in olden days you had to shake the milk to mix in the cream off the top. Over-40s still do this as a matter of course.]

PigeonPie Fri 04-Mar-11 16:05:00

nickelbabe you know, the really stupid thing was that I was an apprentice Savile Row tailor at the time and was experienced and used to the very fast industrial machines! And yes, my first reaction was not to get blood on whatever I was sewing at the time.

RustyRainbow Fri 04-Mar-11 16:07:12

I'm 37 and i do that too Limburgs.

Do not open your heavy van boot a little way while reaching to get something (top opening type) and give the attached strap absent mindedly to your 4 year old - they will go into orbit blush

One from my sister here - do not get so drunk as a teenager that, when getting ready for bed, you fall asleep on the toilet. Naked.

Especially bad if you're a bit of a prude, which she is <--snorts with amusement-- shapes face into expression of sympathy>

Dammit - that was supposed to be my first strike-through. Bah.

mynameis Fri 04-Mar-11 16:18:23

Back in the ciggie smoking days, pulling up my bra strap with the hand
holding fag. Resulting burn on my cheek was very attractive.

pinkhyena Fri 04-Mar-11 16:24:57

Do not ever put your finger in the way of a serrated bike wheel. The scar will be permanent!

Underachieving Fri 04-Mar-11 16:33:52

That reminds me of another. Do not try to prove to your Dad that the brakes on your pushbike have failled by riding it down a hill.

fluffy123 Fri 04-Mar-11 16:55:58

Check the can before spraying hairspray under your arms instead of deodorant.

fluffy oh yes, have done that many a time before an early shift. I sometimes do it with mousse instead for a change grin Spraying deodorant on your hair is also fun, if you like the grey-haired/acute dandruff look.

jugglingjo Fri 04-Mar-11 17:12:12

Start a game of throwing pebbles into the pond with your little sister.

She was two and forgot to let go. Went in after the pebble. Mum had to fish her out.

Was February so pretty chilly from all accounts.

sad Everyone blue with cold and not too happy.
Mother probably relieved all was well though.
And nice man invited us round to his nearby flat to warm up and call taxi.

OTheHugeDaffodils Fri 04-Mar-11 17:19:11

From a nameless acquaintance of mine: DO NOT keep your denture glue next to the toothpaste.

wonka Fri 04-Mar-11 17:41:42

Do not sleep in friends new bed while BF a new baby and not wear a bra and pads. the milky morning mess will be embarrising and her DH will not be very amused!!

nickelbabe Fri 04-Mar-11 17:42:15

Pigeon - i, too, was using a high-speed industrial machine (it was during my HND)

My first thought was the blood, the technician's first thought was the needle, which everyone laughed at, because they didn't realise she was checking to see if any had broken off in my finger.
I was extremely jammy for the needle to have not broken - I just happened to have pulled my finger away at just the right time! grin

Nagoo Fri 04-Mar-11 17:43:33

Neither should you keep denture fix next to the vagisil.

Not good when the error is in either direction.

I'm reliably informed.

lovemysleep Fri 04-Mar-11 17:54:27

Do not rely on spellcheck to make sure that everything is correct for a teaching interview....

You will then sit there reading out your handout to a small group of students (whilst being observed), and inadvertently read out "You need to know how tit is used....."

Then followed your attempt at curbing your hysterical laughter, whilst students looked at you like you'd grown 3 heads.

Still got the job though! smile

Mercedes519 Fri 04-Mar-11 18:01:09

Don't (unless you never want it forgotten) walk into a room where your heavily pregnant wife is, with a spear gun, channel Moby Dick and say...

"have you seen the great white whale?"

Thanks DH hmm

Also, from a friend... park your brand new car in front of a wall, leave it in gear as recommended, then turn the key to show off the engine noise. There was a very painful and rather expensive crunch.

TerrorFirmer Fri 04-Mar-11 18:17:36

When you see a woman on the bus wearing the same unusual headscarf as you, do not smile inanely and point at hers in some misguided gesture of kinship.

You'll be horrified when you later see your reflection in the bus window and realise that you changed yours for the plain black one before you left the house blush

Quattrocento Fri 04-Mar-11 18:22:11

Do not say, in a drunken moment 'I don't care what you find in my handbag, it won't be embarrassing'

Only to find one of the group rummaging through said handbag, and discovering a month's supply of the pill ('are these aspirin, Quattro?') and a popgun.

FreudianSlippery Fri 04-Mar-11 18:29:05

Am howling at this thread. The hedgehog-mistaken-for-rubbish actually made me cry!

Yesterday I learned not to, in the excitement of getting new OU course materials, shut a new ring binder without checking your little finger is not still in it.

tubbyglossop Fri 04-Mar-11 18:37:27

Do not, aged nine, on a jolly family walk on a blustery autumn day, allow your Dad to pop discretely behind a cairn for a wee without checking the direction of the wind.

His wee will blow over the cairn, and form a fine spray, which will land on you and your entire family. While you are eating your sandwiches.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladygoldie Fri 04-Mar-11 19:15:02

Do not vacuum around the fireplace when it is lit.

You will suck up a hot coal and set fire to the hoover.

Ditablue Fri 04-Mar-11 19:16:57

Do not test your 6month old's new found mobility by seating her in her Bumbo on top of the kitchen counter while you fill up the dishwasher.

Try not to have a heart attack when said previously immobile child has somehow managed to fling herself out of the Bumbo onto tiled kitchen floor (from what is a great height to a six month old) as she screams blue murder.

Especially try not to kill the A and E receptionist who upon greeting your now quiet wimpering child announces 'She looks ok to me!!!!!'

Still fills me with shame and guilt to remember it

seriouslycantbebothered Fri 04-Mar-11 19:17:07

why why they said dont google boak

muriel76 Fri 04-Mar-11 19:27:26

Haven't read the thread but.....

don't sweep out of house after huge row with parent feeling pleased you got in there with the last word.

When they die before you have made it up, you feel bloody horrible (understatement)

muriel76 Fri 04-Mar-11 19:36:55

Pants!

Have just browsed some of the thread and it's light hearted, sorry I didn't realise!!

Erm - don't Veet when drunk?! Ouch.

rodformyownback Fri 04-Mar-11 19:41:45

DON'T give your fella a hand job after chopping chillies unless your hands have been VERY thoroughly scrubbed. He won't thank you.

feralgirl Fri 04-Mar-11 19:48:55

grin at some of these (but not muriel's sad)

Don't show off in front of a group of new friends when drunk by jumping off a high wall. It will take lots of money and pain to replace your front teeth.

jugglingjo Fri 04-Mar-11 19:51:29

Sorry to hear your "live and learn" experience Muriel.

I'm sure it could happen to any of us.

Sometimes writing about it here helps a bit.

Again, I'm sure any of us would say that's one reason we're here.

P.S What's "Veeting" ?!confused

feralgirl Fri 04-Mar-11 19:51:34

Don't come back to your auntie's house really really drunk on Christmas Eve and eat loads of sweeties in bed. You will pass out, lying on chocolate, and you will wake up and think you have shat the bed blush

MigratingCoconuts Fri 04-Mar-11 20:05:40

Never go to a cheese and wine party on an empty stomach when you can't stand cheese.....

MigratingCoconuts Fri 04-Mar-11 20:06:20

grin at feralgirl

muriel76 Fri 04-Mar-11 20:08:23

Thanks girls.

Veeting as in the hair removal? Get a bit 'splash happy' when doing bikini line and it can sting quite a lot!!

Whilst looking for birds nests never encourage your younger sister to jump over the open cess pit after you without considering her legs may well be shorter than yours.

DrSeuss Fri 04-Mar-11 20:18:07

Don't have sex with DH when he's been chopping chillis.

MummyAbroad Fri 04-Mar-11 20:29:04

learned from watching my step-dad:

dont pet, talk to in a funny voice or or in any way make friends with the police dogs at the airport. Unless you like starting your holiday with a rubber gloved finger up your arse.

shoshe Fri 04-Mar-11 20:32:40

Ladygoldie, Yep done that, the resulting panic, had DH killing himself laughing at me!

Do not age 13 show off and jump off the garage behind your Army Quarter, and put both knees into both eyes, resulting in two weeks of black eyes, especially when you are a very well endowed and self conscious 13 year old, your first crush will tease you unmercifully

Do not 30 years later tell off a group of children, jumping off same garage roof, on returning to same Army Camp, because one bright spark will be the son of first crush and will tell all the children why you shouldn't and wonder why you are blushing!

regeneration Fri 04-Mar-11 20:37:56

give birth

think you'll pop the washing machine on whilst you nip of to have a shower. OWW...BRRR...OWW...BRRR

to move a rack in the oven with a bare hand. forgot that i'd put it on to pre-heat.

drinking absynth (? spelling) never going there again

I so wish there was a 'like' button on this thread grin

TheBreastmilksOnMe Fri 04-Mar-11 20:51:08

Do not use the smokers toothpaste 'Euthymol' on your face as a teenage acne treatment. It is very menthol and it burns.

When cycling, do not stretch out your feet in front of you when going fast down a hill and catch them in the wheel spokes. You will not only nearly break all the bones in your feet but will have an interesting flying lesson too.

kirmcc Fri 04-Mar-11 20:51:17

do not go for a pee then wipe your bits without checking that your kids haven't wiped their faces on the loo roll- after brushing their teeth

do not, after a night in with partner, after some bottles of wine, casually wonder what deep heat would feel like on a penis, do not let him apply said deep heat to penis, and especially do not laugh when he is screaming in agony (he is now an ex and that night makes me laugh so much)

LeQueen Fri 04-Mar-11 20:54:40

Don't ever drink a Tequila Stuntman (you squeeze the lemon juice in your eye, then inhale the tequila up through your nose to drink it) and certainly don't drink the next 7 of them...hmm

LeQueen Fri 04-Mar-11 20:59:16

Don't come home pissed at 5am on Christmas Day, get the munchies...turn the gas on on the cooker to heat up some soup...get distracted by the cooked, cold turkey in the fridge...scoff almost all the turkey...forget about the gas...stumble upstairs to bed...be awoken 2 hours later by your hysterical Mother, in tears of fury/sorrow because not only have you scoffed the Christmas turkey, but you've also gassed the family dog to death, who was left sleeping in the kitchen...

As happened to MrQ's mate back in about 1993...

LeQueen Fri 04-Mar-11 21:02:25

Don't travel to Prague dressed as Elvis in his Viva Las Vegas hey-day with 27 of your mates on a stag-do...only to then have to return to Prague airport, all alone, and sit all alone for 5 hours still dressed as Elvis to await the arrival of your brother who had forgotten his passport (and whose flight was then delayed).

You will very quickly sober up, and feel like a complete twat...

BiscuitNibbler Fri 04-Mar-11 21:03:42

Do not teach a puppy to jump over the raised threshold of the back door. You will trip and break your wrist.

On return from A&E, do not explain your injury by showing them how it happened. You will trip and break your nose.

PlanetEarth Fri 04-Mar-11 21:08:04

OMG I'm alternating between grin and shock and ouch-ouch-ouch as I read these!

Miffles Fri 04-Mar-11 21:14:04

Do not, when your boyfriend has just come back from holiday and has fallen asleep, try to be helpful and put a load of washing on. Do not take all his pristine white shirts and t-shirts and put them in the wash (at his house) with an old pink sheet. Especially when the instruction panel of the washing machine has fallen off. There will be a helpful Albanian lodger telling you to put it on "A", which later transpires to be a boil 90deg wash.

All the clothes will turn out pink. Your thought process in allowing this to happen will be hard to explain. And the diamond ring your boyfriend bought you in South Africa will take a further 5 months to make it to your finger. grin

sayjay Fri 04-Mar-11 21:23:20

Don't assume that the man leaning over the gp reception desk grunting and dribbling is
a) being attended to
b) has SN

. . .

actually he's being overlooked and is having a stroke

Rumpel Fri 04-Mar-11 21:29:36

do not try the stapler out on your thumb to see if it works

do not try to open a corned beef tin with bare hands when the key gets stuck

do not forget to lock the train toilet door when heavily pregnant - at night - when someone can open it and your half clothed reflection is visible for all to see {blush]

mitochondria Fri 04-Mar-11 21:32:18

If you have been chopping chillies, wash hands before inserting mooncup.

On behalf of my dad - don't chop wood with an axe if the wood is frozen.

nbee84 Fri 04-Mar-11 21:41:04

When using one of those spray mint breath fresheners - do *not breathe in!

* asthma inhaler user, automatic action to breathe in

Tigerbomb Fri 04-Mar-11 22:02:08

Do not assume that when you are having a heart attack on a busy bank holiday weekend, your ambulance driver will know the way to the nearest hospital. They could possibly be a crew from another city and have to ask your DH directions

TigerseyeMum Fri 04-Mar-11 22:07:46

Don't have oral sex after eating very hot curry.

By god it stings blush and leaping up and fanning your fanjo is not sexy.

Do not catch your curling wand when it falls out your hands on the highest setting...I have the scars to prove it!!!!

beachholiday Fri 04-Mar-11 22:24:36

Do not make cheese-on-toast in the toaster

farming4 Fri 04-Mar-11 22:33:15

Check for nettles before having a pee behind a hedge (esp when coming home pissed from young farmers do)....

Don't laugh at current bf as he has just pissed on the electric fence cos you WILL be spending several hours in A&E with him......

Do remind dh to wash his hands after applying Deep Heat to your back just before bed - or you can be sure he will be diving for the bathroom at some point in the night after scratching his bits grin

FreudianSlippery Fri 04-Mar-11 22:33:35

Today I have learnt not to put foam letters in my 18mo's bath.

There was a... hoopla situation hmm

justhalfwaythere Fri 04-Mar-11 22:57:59

When the water has frozen in window washers of car - don't (at 70 mph on motorway) wind down window and attempt to squirt water from water bottle to clear the dirt from wind
Window still manky and a soaking wet sleeve!

Katenotts Fri 04-Mar-11 23:11:43

Don't ever ever, if stuck inside a park attempt to climb over the fence rather than walking round the long way after three pints. One big hole in the arm and several hours in A&E later...Oh yes, and if you do get the said hole in the arm, do not stop for another drink before calling ambulance. You will have to be taken out of pub toilets in a wheelchair after fainting.

Also, when someone says, "I wouldn't use that loo the lock doesn't work very well" in a club, don't think it'll be ok. It WILL open outwards once you're in full flow causing you to stand up to grab the door and wee all over your own jeans and the floor.

Katenotts Fri 04-Mar-11 23:19:03

Do not creep downstairs in the dark to use the downstairs loo when staying at your parents' house on New Year's Eve after a big night out AND forget that you had personally placed two dining chairs at the foot of the stairs to discourage the dog from coming upstairs at night. You will fall over them, bang your head on the telephone cupboard, knock yourself out but very fortunately come round before anyone else wakes up and crawl back to bed only to remember that it happened when your mum is wondering how the chair got broken and you're wondering why you're covered in large black bruises.

kitbit Fri 04-Mar-11 23:26:49

Don't forget to check whether your ds's nappy is poo-free before putting him in the back carry in the Ergo and doing a little jump jiggle to settle his bottom properly into the seat. Otherwise as he lands on his bottom poo will squirt violently sideways out of his nappy legs and fill his babygro down to the toes.

Don't let dh take ds for a sneaky wee behind a hedgerow on the walk back from a country pub. One of them will wee in the other's welly and the resulting fracas won't be easy to referee.

Don't water a spiky palm yucca thing with a short spouted watering can. The leaves grow at exactly the right distance apart to allow you to get one spike up each nostril if you get it just right.

Don't stub your cigarette out on the side of the plastic bin at work. blush Doh! [Thicko emoticon]

Katenotts Fri 04-Mar-11 23:30:09

Oh yes, and if you see a Police car behind you going quite fast, don't think, 'they look like they're in a hurry, I'd better accelerate and get out the way', then slightly later with sirens blaring, 'why don't they overtake me if they want to get past?' and continue to drive fast, then a little later think, 'oh, it's me they're chasing' as your involved in a full blown car chase. I don't think they could believe I was so stupid.

Shipscat Fri 04-Mar-11 23:38:19

Always make sure the seal on your mooncup has been broken before you try and remove it.
Do not pull it harder to see if that will break the seal as it bloody hurts won't!

usualsuspect Fri 04-Mar-11 23:42:34

Do not sit on bus..retrieve a chucked dummy for a baby and forget you are sitting on flip up seat ..then sit on floor because flip up seat has ... err flipped up

TigerseyeMum Fri 04-Mar-11 23:51:27

Don't vomit on your Mother in Law's shoes and then blaspheme copiously at New Year.

blush

theluckiest Sat 05-Mar-11 00:14:26

Never accidentally fold over a corner of your sanitary towel when pulling up your knickers. The unexpected waxing you get when removing said towel will smart.

Do not cough violently when you are holding a drill in front of a brand new patio window (my dad).

And never cut up a cardboard tube for the pets to play in with a very sharp stanley knife when you are wearing new jeans (DH). You will realise that you don't wish to accidently cut new jeans so in a moment of inspiration you will remove them. When you resume cutting the tube wearing only your boxers, the knife will slip resulting in a nasty cut, a trip to A&E, sitting in reception in a t-shirt and boxers, stitches and all the nurses coming out to laugh at you.

Mellowfruitfulness Sat 05-Mar-11 00:17:10

Probably best to check you have removed yesterday's knickers from trousers before putting the trousers on again the following morning - if you don't want them to emerge wrapped round one ankle as you walk up the stairs to work. In front of colleagues.

MummyAbroad Sat 05-Mar-11 00:54:36

When your mostly male mates want to stop at a pub at 10.30am right before a wedding, dont try and keep up with them by drinking two pints as it will make you desperately need the loo as soon as you are sat on a cold church pew. Its an especially bad idea to nip outside for a quick wee in the small grassy patch that you later realise is in full view of the congregation (curse those windows for not being very stained) and under no circumstances when you come back in mention that that it is "still dewy outside" in order to excuse your wet shoes, which everyone by now knows are really covered in your own wee.

perries Sat 05-Mar-11 01:52:20

whysolate Ive done the magnet on the tv screen too. faked innocence when my dad wondered why the pixels were messed up in a streak. ::whistle::

do not bring the hot curling iron near your eye when curling bangs.

when infant dc is poorly, do not hold up facing you to scrutinize - messy

do not place open nail varnish remover on a wood surface, for it is bound to spill

make sure you have keys when you leave the house with dc in the morning or much time will be spent in the front yard thinking up games, explaining the plight again and awaiting rescue

Calico1 Sat 05-Mar-11 07:31:42

Do not forget your make-up bag on the day when you have important interview, decide that a Berol Finewriter pen you found in the drawer at work will make do as an impromptu eye-liner. You will arrive at interview 45 mins later with eyes so puffy, red and itchy that it will be difficult to see the interview room let alone the interview panel...

You won't get the job.

Calico1 Sat 05-Mar-11 07:40:33

Do not cross your legs for an entire hour-long meeting with new clients you are trying to impress. At the end of the meeting you will stand up to leave, crumple floorwards on your asleep leg and have to be dragged with dead leg dangling helped out of the room.

blinder Sat 05-Mar-11 08:38:58

grin Calico1!

YusMilady Sat 05-Mar-11 09:02:57

A belated shock at LeQueen at 20:59:16. Carnage!

PrettyVacant1 Sat 05-Mar-11 09:17:38

Whilst shaving your legs,do not scratch your itchy ankle with your razor.

thefirstMrsDeVere Sat 05-Mar-11 10:45:32

If you are driving past a women's prison (lets say Holloway for the sake of argument) and two girls flag you down and ask for a lift. Dont say ok and drop them off at the nearest tube station.

It WILL have repercussions.

nickelbabe Sat 05-Mar-11 10:47:10

shock

minush Sat 05-Mar-11 10:54:12

Get married

JenAT Sat 05-Mar-11 10:57:50

Don't hoover up ash from an open fire. Hot ash and a vaccuum are not a good combination.
(NB not me but a friend when we were cleaning our holiday house on morning of departure, she was suffering from pregnancy brain!)

jugglingjo Sat 05-Mar-11 10:57:54

Go into teaching hmm

From dh - don't shovel the still-hot ash from the barbeque into a cardboard box that happens to be next to it, and then wander off - it will catch fire.

From my goddaughter - when staying with your godmother and are in the process of dying your hair black, don't come downstairs and sit on her cream sofa!

From dh - if you bang the bottom of a bottle of cherry brandy against the shelf whilst taking it out of the cupboard, and the bottom of the bottle falls off leaving a jagged edge, don't drop the bottle and then try to catch it with the other hand - you will sever the artery, the nerve and half-sever the tendon, need a long operation and months of physio.

From ds1 - in a coffee shop, don't look up from the menu and ask the waitress 'What's in the beef sandwich?' because everyone within earshot will laugh, and your family will never let you forget it.

On the same holiday, on the Glasgow underground passing Ibrox, do NOT answer 'Edinburgh' in tones of deepest scorn, when your younger brother asks where Celtic play their home matches. Especially do not do this whilst sitting next to a Celtic fan - your mother will have a momentary panic that he is going to duff you up, and your family will never let you forget that incident either.

mitochondria Sat 05-Mar-11 13:49:42

From husband - it's not a good idea to remove wasps nests from the walls with a hoover.

nickelprincess Sat 05-Mar-11 14:56:43

shock

My dad learned not to remove a wasp's nest until all the wasps are dead.
He used one of those sprays, but got too close to the nest and in their attempt to flee, he got stung really badly (might have only been one sting, but his entire fore-arm swelled to twice its original size - he couldn't wear his watch for weeks )

twoistwiceasfun Sat 05-Mar-11 15:42:57

Do not demonstrate to your son in law which bits of a consumer unit are for what using a screwdriver - you will get 240V up the arm and it will make an almighty bang.

Do not then do the exact same thing 3 minutes later [pillock]

That was my father btw hmm

GeekLove Sat 05-Mar-11 16:56:26

From DH

Don't think that when varnishing your latex LARP weapons with roofing sealant thT the best way NOT to get it on your clothes is to do so in the nude. You will look like a leper for a month afterwards as it peels off.

That and the fact that roofing sealant is poisonous.

Also Evostick is not a good substitute for spirit gum when wearing facial prosthetics.

blinder Sat 05-Mar-11 17:13:19

From DP

If you need to borrow a colleague's keys on a Friday afternoon, and if you then leave work with said keys, and promise faithfully by phone to just post them back to colleague's girlfriend's house, DO NOT then post YOUR OWN house keys by special delivery just as the post office is about to close.

Reader, I haven't married him.

From DH

If you have very bad hay fever which causes you to sneeze uncontrollably, it's perhaps better not to offer to help the builder fit the new glass shower screen.

LadyInPink Sat 05-Mar-11 18:06:27

Don't hastily grab the nearest thing to keep your DC aged 18mths happy whilst stripping the bed - you will pass her a blue nail polish bottle which you stupidly think she can't unscrew but forget that babies use their teeth; result, a horribly large smeary blue stain all over new bedroom cream carpet. Luckily none in her mouth and luckily DH was very sweet about it.

PlanetEarth Sat 05-Mar-11 18:52:11

When your little baby is sitting in a car seat on the floor, not strapped in, do not pick it up by the handle to move her a few feet without double checking the handle is locked. It will tip up and dump her on the floor face first shock.

Luckily for me this was on carpet, a few wails but she was fine. A few weeks later I saw a mum do this on a poolside, baby went smack onto the tiles with resulting blood shock.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 05-Mar-11 20:13:34

From my friend, do NOT, get ready do bed, don the silicone moisturising gloves you got for Christmas, and then decide to light a cigarette. The gloves will combust, causing you to run madly aroun the house in your winciette nighty, flapping your hand together trying to put the flames out! Not only will you be in shock, as you live alone and could have burned to death, but your heartless friend will piss her knickers laughing when you tell her the story! grin

FreudianSlippery Sat 05-Mar-11 21:39:07

From DH today hmm

Do not allow 18mo DS (yes the same one who played willy-hoopla in the bath as mentioned above) into the bathroom while you have a pee, and explain to said DS "see, this is how big boys have their wees"

DS will be overly curious and attempt to look in the toilet, and you won't quite be able to stop in time

GeekLove Sat 05-Mar-11 21:50:45

Lol from * Freudian*. Mind you whats the betting your DS has got either you or your DH as that is what little boys tend to do with wee-wee.

Celestialstarlight Sat 05-Mar-11 22:23:10

Do not when having a lovely afternoon with the family walking along a tranquil pebbled beach start shouting at DS for throwing stones at you. It will not have been DS but will have been a seagull who's just shat on your head blush

jaggythistle Sat 05-Mar-11 22:24:08

lol at getting DS back GeekLove

mine is 17 mo and still gets me occasionally, weed on my jeans the other week.

oh yes, i learned that panicking and trying to catch Bf newborn poo in your hand just makes things worse. you have a baby with no nappy on screaming and a handful of poo.

Another one from dh and his db - when you take your small dses/dnephews to the park and realise you haven't brought a ball with you when you want to play 'Piggy in the Middle' with them, do not imagine that a lump of ice prised out of a frozen puddle will be an acceptable substitute.

The middle boy will fail to catch the ice 'ball' and it will smack him right above the eye, cutting him (not badly, thankfully), and causing your wife and your mum to read you the long version of the riot act about why it was such a stupid thing to do and What Could Have Gone Wrong!!

Oh - and one my friend observed on the children's ward. If your baby has severe gastroenteritis, and you are changing his nappy, do not - repeat DO NOT decide to bounce him up and down on your knee in the middle of the process, before putting a new nappy on him. He will suffer torrential diarrhoea all over your lap, and the nurses will have to come to your rescue.

FreudianSlippery Sat 05-Mar-11 23:37:26

Ooh the seagull one reminds me.

I've learnt to LOOK when idly skimming stones on Brighton beach. If you don't, you. WILL hit a pigeon. And said pigeon will fly in wobbly circles, you will feel terrible and your DH will still mention it 8 years later!

gallicgirl Sun 06-Mar-11 00:02:49

grin best thread ever.

When you need to alter the position of the driver's seat in your car after your DP has used it, wait until the car has come to a full stop as if you try to move the seat while just going very slowly approaching a junction, you will shoot backwards at high speed.

Ihatecobwebs Sun 06-Mar-11 00:50:57

Do not run through a narrow doorway whilst putting up your hair - felt very stupid trying to explain to A&E doctor how I cracked my elbow.

TidyBush Sun 06-Mar-11 01:03:23

If you wonder how easy it is to ride bike with your eyes closed, don't. You will ride into your neighbours front wall and end up in their garden.

Hair conditioner is not a good substitute for fabric conditioner when washing your DH's underpants. It will cause a rather itchy rash.

kirmcc Sun 06-Mar-11 08:53:46

do not presume that the bit of material you are going to clean your glasses with is clean- your ds has already wiped his nose on it and you will smear bogies all over your glasses!!

ItsJustAName Sun 06-Mar-11 10:18:28

So glad I made Classics with this smile

From my sister. Don't encourage your two your old potty training son to carry said potty through to still-in-bed daddy to show him how big you are. Then see son trip just inches from the bed and throw the entire contents full in daddy's face to wake him up grin

Or, if you are in any way pissed off at daddy, then do!

Riddo Sun 06-Mar-11 11:33:37

Don't play with dog, accidently touch tongues with said dog and then put neat TCP on tongue.

Friend of my Mum's - she couldn't taste anything for a week grin

FourFortyFour Sun 06-Mar-11 12:13:17

grin at waking up daddy with pee.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sun 06-Mar-11 12:16:09

Cook a fryup naked.
I still bear the scar.

HeartSkipsABeat Sun 06-Mar-11 12:42:46

PMSL at the potty spillage!

One from a few years back. Do not stand next to DP as he's trying on suit jackets to find one that fits his extremely long gangly arms. DP will knock a big red SALE sign off its ceiling hook and the corner of said sign will dent your forehead and cause several questions next week at college.

Do not then lie and say you did it playing football in an attempt to save face for you and DP, your friend will then tell everyone you did it by running into a goalpost causing everyone to think you are completely stupid!

edam Sun 06-Mar-11 13:03:24

If asked by A&E staff who is your father's next of kin, do not reply 'his wife' as this will get you some very funny looks indeed. Especially if you are 19 and he is 42. Even if he is in the middle of getting divorced from your stepmother and you are confused about what the right answer is.

ScaredOfCows Sun 06-Mar-11 13:04:43

Don't put petrol into a diesel engine car. It will cost you a lot of money, and people will take the piss for a very long time.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 06-Mar-11 15:40:18

Do not actually walk into a door, giving yourself a corker of a black eye, two days before taking up a new job with Women's Aid.

blush

FourFortyFour Sun 06-Mar-11 15:41:55

whydobirds did you get proposed to while you were cooking naked?

pmsl at biscuit nibbler, totally great!

Todays lesson, dont attempt to plumb in a washing machine without turning the water off at the mains.

Once you have unscrewed the old machine and you have figured that the pissing water is too high powered to attach new machine, you will discover that the kitchen unit dad installed is covering the fucking stopcock.

sayjay Sun 06-Mar-11 21:14:51

Do not let baby DS suck your chin whilst you swap sides during a breastfeed. A 5 second suck will cause a HUGE purple bruise / lovebite on your chin shock and people will wonder if your DH has a mean right hook hmm

jugglingjo Mon 07-Mar-11 07:44:52

Don't be so kind and naive at 21 that you let a mad, old lady you are caring for in hospital bite your fingers when she asks to hmm

Skifit Mon 07-Mar-11 09:02:53

Dont let an employee speak to you so rudely and put you down, and then contunue to put up with working there. Tell her to go stick her job where the sun doesnt shine.

Debs75 Mon 07-Mar-11 13:33:25

When travelling at high speed and you need to empty a bottle of water, open the window, not the door.
Similiarly when climbing into the rear in a moving car you do it through the gap between the seats, again not by opening the bloody door.
My friend is sooo stupid.

And to my mum. Yes aeroplanes taking off and landing do look spectacular when you are very close. It is more important tho for me to look at the big oncoming truck

LimburgseVlaai Mon 07-Mar-11 13:37:07

Don't spend hours thinking up a birth plan. It won't go to plan.

Ha yes LimburgseVlaai - my first birth plan was three pages long. My second read: 'have baby; have tea and toast with marmite; go home'

jugglingjo Mon 07-Mar-11 14:45:50

I hope they were ready with the marmite wmm-choc ?grin

You know in cartoons, when lots of crazy things happen that couldn't possibly happen in real life? Well, the 'standing on a rake and the handle flying up and whacking you hard on the nose' thing does. I know that, 'cos I tried it to see what would happen. blush

They were not but DH came equipped. I then ended up demanding stilton sandwiches so he was dispatched to Sainsburys (in July) to buy some grin

I also learned the hard way that when you have spent two hours putting together your toddlers new trike, you should not demonstrate it by sitting on it and 'riding it' as your arse will become wedged on the seat and you will have to be helped out by your DH who will be unable to help for several minutes as he is ROFLing and trying to placate a very annoyed toddler who is prostrate on the ground screaming because he thinks you will break it. hmm

jugglingjo Mon 07-Mar-11 22:58:58

Glad to hear you got your toast and marmite and also the stilton cheese sandwiches along with your new baby, WMMchoc smile

GeekLove Tue 08-Mar-11 12:05:04

Do not keep cans of red primer next to deodorant.

One I learned when I was about 9 years old is that you should always watch where you are shoving the fork when you are digging the garden - it is not good if you plunge the fork through your wellyboots. Luckily the tine that went through the boot went between my toes and just grazed them - it could have been much worse!

nickelprincess Tue 08-Mar-11 15:54:13

I learned that you shouldn't listen to your mother when she's yelling at you for using the garden fork.

i think i was 8 - was digging the new garden quite happily, when I heard my mother yelling at me, i turned around to find out what she wanted (she sounded a bit mad!), put the fork down...
yep, through my trainers - still got the scar, about an inch above my toe.
didn't bleed much though.

wouldn't have happened had my mum not decided that the best time to yell about safety was whilst i was using the bloody thing!

Nagoo Tue 08-Mar-11 16:54:32

leave your glasses on when cutting your own fringe with your very sharpest scissors. Removing them will result in a lacerated eyeball.

ZuzuBailey Tue 08-Mar-11 20:12:38

SDTG & Nickelprincess - I also had a mishap with a garden fork and stabbed my dog (who was capering about like a mad thing) in the neck sad.

He was a springer spaniel and quite mad so didn't seem to feel a thing as his brain wasn't actually connected to anywhere else in his body. Luckily, he was fine.

nickelprincess Wed 09-Mar-11 11:05:36

shock Zuzu

ZuzuBailey Wed 09-Mar-11 20:30:40

It only penetrated about 1cm nickel confused

I did panic for a moment though, but he honestly didn't seem to notice and carried on jumping about! Amazingly, he wasn't even scarred.

Don't use all your unnatural strength as a young boy to stick the garden fork into the ground without checking to see where your smaller younger sister is. It will go through her shoe, pin her foot to the ground and cause your mother to have a mild heart attack.

Fortunately it went between my toes and only grazed the skin. It took a while for my mum to recover!

I hadn't realised how common this seems to be before reading the posts from Zuzu, nickelprincess & SDTG.

From DH

Do not teach your 18 month DD to blow very loud raspberries on your DW's cleavage because DD will do it in church. At the quiet bit. Every week.

Do not decide to pick up a tripod after using it over a Bunsen burner in Science with your palms hmm the resulting burns will look like stigmata for months!

When DD does that running choking noise the correct response is to rush her to the sink/bucket/open space of grass NOT cuddle her into the aforementioned cleavage, you will be finding vomit granules all fecking day angry

Squashedfrogs - perhaps nickelprincess, Zuzu and you and I shouldn't be let loose with or near sharp implements!

nickelprincess Thu 10-Mar-11 11:47:49

I was fine before my mother yelled at me.
I maintain it was her fault (and she says it was too)

if it makes you feel better, it didn't go all the way through the foot, and it was very close to the bone so it didn't bleed much at all. grin

shock grin @Norfolk

tonythetyger Fri 11-Mar-11 14:01:06

Don't toast a pita under the grill and then bite into it as the steam comes out and leaves a burn above your lip. In particular don't do this just before going to a wedding.

Don't read a big book, move your chair over your big toe and sit on it with all your weight.

nitnatnaboo Fri 11-Mar-11 15:02:28

This one is BIL's
Don't use Flash bathroom wipes when you run out of toilet roll.

kwazii Fri 11-Mar-11 15:34:24

Never inflate the tyre on a child's bike with the thing you get in garages for inflating car tyres; especially when you live over a mile from the garage. Yes the tyre inflated quickly, right up until it exploded.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Fri 11-Mar-11 23:16:04

Never rewind One Born Every Minute! It's really disturbing! confused and more that slightly gross

GoneHopefullyForgotten Sat 12-Mar-11 15:09:20

When a sock disppears around the outside of the drum of a top loading washing machine. Do not attempt to resuce it by sticking your hand into the gap. Your hand will get stuck and it will hurt when you managed to release it. The sock will still be lost until to clean the fliter at the bottom.

Leela2 Sat 12-Mar-11 20:18:58

OMG Tonythetyger I've done that, promptly fainted with the pain, and woke to find four mesmerised DC gazing at me with astonishment.

tonythetyger Sat 12-Mar-11 21:41:13

I'm assuming you mean the chair. The steam burn was more embarrassing than truly painful. I was 11 at the time and refused to let my mother prick it with a pin to release all the trapped blood as the idea scared me too much.

ohsored Sun 13-Mar-11 00:29:38

Drop a silent but deadly fart in the food hall of a rather posh department store, causing the person behind to collapse in a epileptic fit.

Then, 15 years on, be on MN and realise somewhat belatedly that you named your son after the store in question.

I suspect Freud would have an opinion on the matter blush

CPRTowers Sun 13-Mar-11 16:58:15

Put out a scented candle with water and then mistake the candle for water glass in the middle of the night. Taste stayed with me for a long time.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sun 13-Mar-11 19:39:37

Ooh, another one, don't leave a large church candle on the night storage heater and go to bed. You will wake up to a living room full of smoke, a horrible stench, you will be very frightened when you find it, and your land lord will be VERY upset!

LostInTheBlackHole Tue 15-Mar-11 19:47:33

Don't just pop on mn for a quick check of thread's i'm on when you need to be in bed early. You will end up going to bed at 1am and still have to get up at 4am.

MN will wait. The sleep deprivation will cause you to walk into the door to try to open it blush

Wotznotnow Fri 18-Mar-11 23:45:26

LostInTheBlackHole indeed, time to quit while I'm ahead.

OMG some of these have had me in stitches.

Do not try to reverse your brand new 3 weeks old car to impress some lads in a pub beer garden - you will reverse into a fence and dent the back end of car blush

DHs - Do not hold 2 weeks old breastfed baby on knee in between nappy changes it will result in baby pooing down leg, something that relects Chicken Korma <boak>

Do not leave a metal tin awkward on the gas hob leaving the handle exposed and try to pick it up without oven gloves

Do nnot try to be the greatest domestic goddess and clean the knife block, holding one knife blade in your hand and dropping it, catching the knife blade with your hand, it bleeds for eternity.

Do not play with with ex knobhead and lean in and let his elbow bash you in the eye resulting in a black eye 4 days before being a bridesmaid at your mother wedding.

Do not play football inside with the kids, especially when the small winnie the pooh ball lands at side of hoover, you will kick the hoover and break your little toe.

Do not bite down on a hard bit of burnt pizza base, it will result in you oving your wisdom tooth out of place and the need for operation to remove the said tooth especially when extremely scared of the dentist <19th of april can wait blush>

Do not stand talking to mates at petrol station whilst filling car up and not noticing what you are doing and then realise you have just wasted £30 of petrol onto the floor and notihing in the tank. blush

Do not leave curling tongs plugged in to the extention then turn on the CD player and turn it off on the system rather than at the wall. My mother didnt see the funny side when it burnt a massive hole straight through to the underlay on a week old bedroom carpet - She will come home from the pub drunk, start shouting at you whilst been 5 months pregnant, then Stepdad starts shouting and DF (now DH0 start fighting over it and it will result in you moving out of your mothers house permanently

There are soooooooo many.

Metal pan i meant in number 3

number 5
Do not play fight i meant

I really must read before i press send.

EveryonesJealousOfGingers Sun 20-Mar-11 21:45:34

grin CHEEKY!

Don't accidentally let a cat into your house the night before your wedding. The ensuing melee will result kicking the skirting board (wasn't aiming for the cat, honest) and a broken toe. The toe is slightly wonky now, so is a memento of our wedding.

geordieminx Sun 20-Mar-11 23:31:11

Do not believe that your glittery nailvarnish would make a fab long lasting eye shadow.

It will sting like fuck for hours.

Do not drink a whole bottleof advocat neat. You will throw up custard.

EveryonesJealousOfGingers Sun 20-Mar-11 23:32:39

shock Geordie - how old were you when you did the nail varnish thing???

geordieminx Mon 21-Mar-11 07:58:16

About 14 I think... blush

EveryonesJealousOfGingers Mon 21-Mar-11 19:22:21

Fair enough, it's the kind of thing that might seem a good idea at that age - but OUCH!!!

Ilikegreenshoes Sun 01-May-11 08:20:54

This thread is absolutely hilarious! Has made my evening.

I have a couple...

... Aged 14, deciding that you'd like a new fringe and getting out the scissors. That tufty bit took a long time to grow back!

... Having been given a second hand car seat, merrily taking off the whole cover to wash without paying any attention to how it goes back together.

... On coming into the front room in the middle of the day and discovering 3 men had opened the front door and were coming into my house, I shouldn't have believed their story and I SHOULD have paid attention to what they looked like, so that after having seen them off in a friendly way, I discovered they had nicked my ipod from my car and were, in fact, ROBBERS I could give a description to the police. Idiot! (As a side note, they were caught that same afternoon, thank goodness!)

So many more, but I can't bear to think about them at the moment.

By the way, blue waffle is, apparently, a hoax. There's no such actual disease. That's what I read anyway. Still didn't need to see it though!

notcitrus Sun 01-May-11 18:08:20

If you have a blocked drain, and drain cleaner and a plunger haven't helped, do not think that an AquaVac can cope with water and try that.
Firstly it won't work.
Secondly when you hoover the house the entire house will then reek of drains, so you have to buy a new one so your elderly landlady never finds out.
Thirdly, said landlady was overcome by the air freshener fumes required to cover the drains smell, collapsed and we had to get an ambulance for her. Fourthly, the rather pricey Dynorod guys will laugh a lot.

Ordering Baileys from a bar with a cheapskate manager. One bottle had curdled but rather than chuck it he carried on using it, just pouring back shots from people who complained. Likewise, do not let guests at your housewarming drink Baileys from glasses previously containing cider. The residue sets like concrete and you will have to throw your brand-new glasses away.

whyme2 Sun 01-May-11 18:24:18

Do not hold the dartboard for your 12 year old brother to aim at. His aim is not that good and you will have to remove the dart from your arm by your self as your mum is out shopping. And also the one from your thigh.

AliciaFlorrick Sun 01-May-11 21:10:58

Even if you live on a private track and the only car that ever, ever goes up is your own, still look behind you when you reverse out of the drive because it could be the one day your 75 year old neighbour has got her first mobility scooter and has driven up said track to show you and you could possibly reverse into her. Fortunately I didn't damage her, scooter was a right off though and it dented my bumper.

YerDaftApeth Mon 04-Nov-13 23:21:55

If you are going to be sick, especially it's half an hour after eating steak, don't try to stop yourself by keeping your mouth closed. As it comes out of your nose instead. Chunks of vomity sick out of your nostrils isn't nice.

gintastic Wed 06-Nov-13 23:45:54

Do not put your urine sample in your shoe in the dark to avoid forgetting to take it to the doctors in the morning. Your boss (was working away from home in company provided accommodation) will get up before you and be very unamused to find a piss bottle in his shoe...

INeedThatForkOff Thu 07-Nov-13 20:03:47

Don't agree to let a student doctor put a cannula in your hand. She fucked up the first in, which made my toes twitch. I realised the fourth next attempt in the other hand hadn't gone well when, in established labour, I had to clutch my wrist, which was agony. Turned out she'd broken the fucking cannula inside my vein. A year on, it's still there <boak>

noswingpark Sat 09-Nov-13 14:07:43

If your cat is in season do not presume the trail of clear liquid along the floor is apple juice then run your finger through it and have a taste for good measure, just as the cat comes along making strange noises and wriggling her bottom close to the floor....

LittleAprilShowers Sun 10-Nov-13 07:26:11

Do not, in the excitement of video phones being released, decide with your friend to re-enact Will Youngs Leave Right Now video (just for something funny to film).

You will fall over backwards, and hit your fanny on the corner of a stereo speaker, causing a haematomah (sp?), lots of swelling, and the need to have a small operation to fix said fanny.

Especially don't do this when you have your A-Levels to sit in a few days time. You'll have to tell your teacher and the exam board why you can't do the exam due to your operation, and you'll end up doing it 2 weeks later in a room on your own with 1 examiner present, who probably knows exactly what happened, as you sit on a rubber ring.

Your doctor will also be the sexiest man you've ever met. And the hospital staff will find it so funny they call their colleagues in to have a laugh at you. And your cameraman friend will tell EVERYONE and still mention it 11 years later

surpriseitsme Wed 20-Nov-13 20:24:18

Do not wait for your wifes first day back at work after maternity leave to put the 8 week old baby in car seat on the washing machine and wander off while it spins...apparently they vibrate. 3 hours in A and E is not the best way to prove you are capable!

M0naLisa Wed 20-Nov-13 22:42:53

Do not play football in the house with 2yr old Ds, then position football next to the Hoover and kick - you will kick the Hoover and break your little
Toe.

Don't try to catch a bread knife that you drop - you will catch it by the blade and cut 4 fingers.

Don't run the bath then close the kitchen door (downstairs bathroom) then go on Facebook - you will wonder what that noise is after a while and think the washer is on and that it's broken, before realizing the bath has been running for nearly 20 mins. Luckily we'd had a new bath put in the week before that did have a drain hole, which our previous bath didn't have - I didn't flood the bathroom thankfully.

Don't lock your ds1 aged 2.5 in the car forgetting that the old new car you'd got didn't have central locking. - it will result in the fire brigade eventually coming out due to it been a warm day.

Don't think you can get away with putting ds2 aged 2 in the bath, wetting his hair and tying it in a bobble and cutting above the bobble - it will look like a bob and he will look ridiculous the next morning on Christmas Day blush

Don't give the boys chocolate when potty training 2.5 year old, take him into the bathroom to clean him up after an accident, leaving ds1 aged 1 crawling around. - he will find a stray 'piece if chocolate and eat it'. Then when you come back in wonder what Ds is eating and then wonder what that smell was. - as dh said to me when I walked in from work. Don't kiss ds2 on the mouth he's had a mouthful of shitegrin

Don't push your sister head over the boiling kettle, she will end up with a scab on the bridge of her nose lol confused

Don't tell your sister your going to pour bath water over her back (young kids me and sister) then fill the jug with boiling water from the tap.

M0naLisa Wed 20-Nov-13 22:57:37

Another one.

Don't assume your sister will be ok when she is crying after doing a handstand which went wrong, moaning that he arm hurts. Continue to watch it grow in size for 4 hours until mum get home from work. (Was 14/15) she will have dislocated her elbow and broken her arm resulting in a full arm pot which was on for near on 10 weeks!!! It was a bad break. hmm

M0naLisa Wed 20-Nov-13 23:08:04

Another one of mine:

Don't be excited at the new CD player mum has ordered from the catalogue and open it by sticking a very sharp knife into the top and dragging it the length of the box it will result in a very angry mother who's noticed the full length scrape across the top of the CD player. blush

M0naLisa Wed 20-Nov-13 23:09:18

One from dh:

Don't go to a job interview all dressed smartly and get out the car quickly forgetting that a spring is sticking out of the seat therefore ripping your trousers from thigh to knee winkgrin

M0naLisa Wed 20-Nov-13 23:12:36

Don't use pure acetone to remove false nails by resting hands on varnished dining table and knock the bowl which the acetone is in, spilling it on the table. There is now a lovely stain where the acetone has removed the varnish from the table. wink

BigcatLittlecat Wed 20-Nov-13 23:26:19

Always remember to extinguish the flame on a flaming Drambuie because having your top lip on fire is not a good look on your 18th birthday and the scab that follows is hard to explain

soapybubbles123 Mon 03-Mar-14 18:54:28

Never store an open carton of orange juice in between the walls of a tent. It may seem a sensible way to keep it cool if you don't have a cool box but a slug will get in and your OH will drink it.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Mon 03-Mar-14 19:40:41

Have been rereading this thread with immense enjoyment and bizarrely found a post from myself under an old username from exactly three years ago today! Freaky. smile

Ratbagcatbag Mon 03-Mar-14 20:33:27

Do not believe that shoving an alkaseltzer (sp) up your fanjo will result in a pleasant fizzing sensation during intercourse.
It will in fact remove all liquid from said fanjo in less than 2.4 seconds, making it drier than the Sahara desert. The walk down to the bathroom at boyfriends house at two am whilst having you internal organs fused together by sandpaper vag whilst not making a sound is excruciating.
Once in bathroom, now hobbling like John Wayne the only relief was unscrewing the shower head and sticking the whole thing up there to rehydrate, it took about thirty minutes to clean it out. Never again!!!!

Dont try and get hairdye off your neck using a magic sponge it burns like hell and looks like you have been strangled.

Dont try and pull two wire wool scourers apart you will cut your hand very badly.

Dont turn your house upside down looking for you phone when drunk forget what you were looking for then go to the pub. When you do come home dont call the police because you think you have been burgled.

Dont get lost when drunk in an industrial estate and call the police to come and get you.

Dont drink alot of nightnurse before your daughters christening because you like the warm feeling you get from it. You will fall asleep while eating dinner and never hear the end of it

Shutupanddrive Mon 10-Mar-14 11:47:39

Don't allow your slightly drunk brother to pour hot oil into your ear to unblock it! Was supposed to be slightly warm, he warmed a teaspoon full with a lighter and poured it in. Burnt my head with the spoon too! No lasting damage luckily, but was sore for days!

ladypete Mon 10-Mar-14 15:37:35

Improvising a recipe for gluten-free seedy bread. I thought it was a good idea an hour ago. The dense, crispy shelled, still wet in the middle mass in my oven tells me otherwise sad

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Mon 10-Mar-14 16:39:09

Don't attempt to make a balloon animal just like the magician did. You will spend so long trying to twist the bastard thing into shape that it will give up and burst. You will feel bad for disappointing the dc's even though they're probably not that bothered and you will disappear off in a sulk.

irrationalme Sun 23-Mar-14 08:04:51

do not shave your legs with a cut throat razor

GeoffLeopard Tue 25-Mar-14 00:17:54

Do not attempt to go down the stairs on a space hopper on two separate occasions.

Do not forget who you're talking to and answer a work colleague with a comedy Japanese word as you regularly do with your husband.

Do not be dazzled by handsome gardeners who in hindsight cut some corners that are a continuing source of irritation. They were so pretty though.

peachybums Sat 29-Mar-14 16:47:25

Do not tell DP 'ok shut the boot' unless your head is REALLY out of the way first. He will close it without looking and slam it into your skull.

Don't touch the red rings on the electric grill to 'make sure when its red it is hot' it is bloody hot!

Don't leave the wire on the garden strimmer too long then turn it on with the guard pointing outwards. The wire lashed into my shin and left a lumpy bruise for weeks, plus my neighbours heard some swear words they probs didn't even know exsisted!

When 14 don't watch the boy you really like walk by while sitting on a fence. As you lean back to watch him walk off you will fall, legs in the air, friends all laugh hysterically, then boy turns round and sees everything!

chellechelle26 Tue 29-Apr-14 19:06:38

do not step in dog poo not notice then kneel down to remove ds's shoes before taking your own off when you get in. you will get poo on your bum then manage to spread it around everywhere when you sit down.

do not blow a stray bit of ash from your chest while you have a full ashtray in your lap.

do not jump onto a ball with both feet, you will fly backwards into a wall before landing full force onto your arse

do not phone an engineer to fix your washing machine without first checking that its plugged in red face

LightsOnNotIn Wed 07-May-14 20:58:26

Not believing it's an electric fence. Twice.

prisonerofallisurvey Thu 08-May-14 09:39:41

Geoff a space hopper? on the stairs? Oh my, tears running down my face picturing it!
Whatever made you think that would work? grin

serialauntie Fri 09-May-14 17:24:15

Drink too much gin while sitting next to an open fire - and then try to stand up...
Or trust a Greek man to pour said gin for you!

serialauntie Fri 09-May-14 17:27:50

Ha Geoff! I would add to that with don't say "whatever" to your manager OUT LOUD.

when secretly enjoying all the bath products at someone else's house make sure you check what it is first...neat tea tree oil on your private parts not only stings and makes you feel like you're wetting yourself for the next three days but the smell is so strong that you are soooo busted for using their stuff....*embarrassed face*

For a dinner party I decided to invent a new dish to astound and delight and came up with brussel sprout curry...it didn't go down well

GladGran Fri 09-May-14 21:02:22

This made me laugh more than anything all day. Have worked in hospitals so can envisage the scene - and the smell! Poor you.

mill3003 Fri 09-May-14 22:53:59

Don't, when challenged by ejit father, say that he most definitely can not get you to stab yourself with a sewing needle, without touching you or the needle, then proceed to slam your hand down on said needle to make the point!

Wax my moms legs for her (screamed like murder, i'm just relieved I was doing it at home, not at college)

Ride a pushbike down a slide, especially if it has a bend in the middle

Laugh hysterically at dh when dd's ask why daddy has a tail! He didn't know how to answer & I couldn't speak for about an hour!!!!

Rush around like an idiot for a last minute house viewing then slip over on freshly swept kitchen floor doing serious damage to an already dodgy left leg & pull left shoulder. The bruises are some very pretty colours! (& the house wasn't suitable either fucking time wasters

My youngest bro: never straighten your legs when hanging upside down from a tree branch, hit a piece of wood with a hammer & not foot the other end & eat toadstools thinking they were mushrooms

JunkFairy Fri 09-May-14 23:48:33

Do remember to pull your nickers down as well as your trousers when having a drunken pee. And also if you dream you're having a lovely wee, you probably are. Pay attention when picking up red hot hair straighteners and not grab the wrong end. Listen to your parents when they insist the loft is not a safe place for children, you will fall backwards out of the loft hatch and suffer concussion. Also be careful to close the basement hatch when serving in a pub. Never confuse nail polish remover for eye make up remover and always remember to zip up the trampoline door when young DC are overly excitable on it. One will fall out and you will feel like the worlds worst mother.

Cirsium Fri 09-May-14 23:56:48

Do not when thinking how lovely the new ginger and lemon tea bags smell put your nose in the empty box and inhale. The left over loose 'tea' leaves will go up your nose and burn like hell.

Do not get distracted by someone talking to you when leading a notoriously difficult and greedy horse back to his field. He will shoot off up the steep bank that surrounds three sides of the outdoor arena to munch the lovely long grass and you will have to spend 20 minutes chasing him around without falling down it, while everyone drinking by watches, before he'll come back down!

Lanabelle Sat 10-May-14 00:00:53

ride the stallion when he comes back form the stud farm..... that didn't end well and no amount of wine in the world could make that heal quicker

PricillaQueenOfTheDessert Sat 10-May-14 00:34:40

Don't go to a drunken party, slip over on a wet floor during a water fight, break your wrist and give yourself a black eye. Especially if you are starting a new job two days later.

WorldWildWifeFund Sat 10-May-14 00:56:26

Do not try to read while walking downstairs. You WILL miss a step, and crash head first into glass front door.

Salazar Sat 10-May-14 03:35:10

Lick the straighteners. On the iron. When hot.

I'm an idiot.

catsofa Sat 10-May-14 05:02:31

Not finished reading thread but for anyone who is still wondering what happens if you hold a magnet to a tv screen, this is about the best thing I can imagine happens

www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1xS-ssfTM8

RetroHippy Sat 10-May-14 11:56:13

Do not, when drunkenly peeing at a music festival, go into the dark portaloo and neglect to check that the toilet lid is up. Twice. blush

You will end up covered in your own urine.

DuchessFanny Sun 11-May-14 11:50:15

Do not attempt to give your little brother a 'step' Haircut with your DM ladyshave, he will burst into tears and you will be grounded.

Do not mistake lard for butter, and spread liberally on bread ... I still can't even look at a packet of lard ...

DH do not fall asleep drunk on a wall with a sheer drop the other side, you will break your shoulder blade and feel lots of pain despite the copious amount of alcohol consumed.

DBro says to never attempt to change a light bulb in the hall while balancing one foot on the bannister and one on the windowsill, especially in socks, you will hurtle down the stairs at great speed !

DBil says to never run a bath when you get in from a session from the pub and go for a lie down while waiting, the flood damage is expensive to fix.

DH do not put cheese on toast under the grill when home from a session at the pub, and 'rest your eyes' while lying on the kitchen floor. Your DW will not be amused at the ensuing kitchen fire !

FlyingGoose Sun 11-May-14 15:46:09

Do not walk under a Car park barrier as it's coming down, it will hurt!

WorldWildWifeFund Sun 11-May-14 20:32:48

I walked under a descending car park barrier, too - didn't see it and got hit on the head. Reading again.

MrsAlexVause Sun 11-May-14 20:34:32

Checking to see of my hair straighteners are off by wrapping my hand around them. They usually aren't.

CPtart Sun 11-May-14 20:46:12

Rely on pushing baby in pram or driving in car to get them to sleep.!

MiscellaneousAssortment Sun 11-May-14 21:16:46

Don't go in the swimming pool at a night club in your underwear and then go dance on the pitch black dance floor wearing no knickers or contact lenses (both didn't survive the drunken swimming...

It's very difficult to act all cool when you slip and fall heavily on your bottom, especially when someone's left a beer bottle exactly where you fall. It went up my foof and cut my vulva shock

I was in agony - physically and from the humiliation. I was there alone trying to impress a boy Id met the night before, so no friends to help or at least buy me a drink to console me!

It was a very effective form of contraception!

2andout Sun 11-May-14 21:30:43

Do no, while walking home across a field in the dark, kick a random ball that has been left in the field, it might be a hedgehog blush

FuturePerfect Sun 11-May-14 22:14:43

Do not, when drunk, attempt to pee in a nightclub toilet when the lid is closed.

When using those tardis type public toilets in France, do not hold the door open for your child to go in when you exit. He will get washed, along with the entire interior.

Nocomet Sun 11-May-14 22:48:15

Don't let DD2 climb trees, there's a kind of thud no mother wants to hear twice. Fortunately she'd only broken her wrist.

Don't let DD2 trampoline, there's a snap no father wants to hear. Yes that was the other wrist.

Of course DD2 has no such worries and still climbs trees and trampolines, the only difference is she can now do linked back somersaults!

OnTheRunButReallyRatherSlowly Mon 12-May-14 18:36:16

Don't flick cigarette ash out of the car window without first winding the window down. I was wearing shorts. My thighs still bear the scars. They are a good reminder of why I no longer smoke.

Squeakyheart Tue 13-May-14 07:56:23

When in a rush in the morning clean knickers are effective scrunchies, however remember to take them out before leaving the house. You will either end up wearing them at work or put them in pockets where they will fall out!

Also when's babysitting DN's and you see knickers on the floor near the wash basket, don't just gingerly pick them up and put them in basket whilst thinking I have a pair like that. DSiL will not be happy when she finds them!

DrLizShaw Wed 14-May-14 21:29:31

In order to clear a cold I put vicks in my bath. My entire body was frozen from the waist down. hmm

InMyOwnSickWayIllAlwaysBe Wed 14-May-14 21:53:36

When going in to have PFB DD with my dad to accompany me til DP could get there (got called in from work to be induced early as I had obstetric cholestasis), don't reply "yes" when the consultant asks "Is this dad?", because he will think that your Dad is your partner and attempt to give you an internal examination with your old man desperately trying to escape the voluminous folds of curtain smile

(And he'll say "vagina" in front of him shock )

InMyOwnSickWayIllAlwaysBe Wed 14-May-14 22:05:03

geordieminx you have reminded me of another!
When you are 10, and your evil 14 year old sister says she will make you up as Adam Ant, don't let her paint a big glittery nail varninsh streak across your nose.
Your dad will go fucking bat shit and bend you over the sink to scrub you clean with a nail brush <<OUCH>>

InMyOwnSickWayIllAlwaysBe Wed 14-May-14 22:24:05

junkfairy
also if you dream you're having a lovely wee, you probably are

...yep! blush

ballsballsballs Wed 14-May-14 22:50:55

Do not, under any circumstances, google wolfbagging.

BolshierAyraStark Mon 19-May-14 16:58:26

To be very VERY careful whilst tending to the lady garden with Veet-painful if not, rather like a burn...shock blush

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