Middle Ages Mumsnet

(419 Posts)
AnyFuleKno Sat 15-Jan-11 16:48:46

Dear mumsnet, mine husband hath broken his arm falling from atop the midden. How many leeches should I apply?

tabulahrasa Sat 15-Jan-11 17:01:00

thou should not ask for advice on yon interweb, get thee to an apothecary

catinthehat2 Sat 15-Jan-11 17:04:05

When my neighboures denounce me for wytchecrafte do you thynke I should opt for burning at ye stake or drowning in ye village ponde?

GoodChristianaRejoice Sat 15-Jan-11 17:06:12

Why doth my tithe go to the benefyts cheats when I cannot afford fine ale for my children?

Site stuffe;

Mistress Helen of Mumnete, I beseech ye to allow us plebians the use of a "burn her at the stake" emoticon in AIBU.

tabulahrasa Sat 15-Jan-11 17:25:39

catinthehat - that dependath upon whether thou hast indeed been a practioner of the black arts

if thou art a wytch, opt for burning as veryily it will maketh no difference whether thou art guilty or inocent

if thou art merely pondering the vindictive nature of thou neigboures and expect at some time hence to be falsely accused of fraternizing with the devil then choose to be drowned as at least thou will be vindicated by sinking and can expect a Christian burial

ivykaty44 Sat 15-Jan-11 17:27:09

whence we going to ya Inn for thus beer?

ivykaty44 Sat 15-Jan-11 17:28:50

tithe to benifits cheat - when why? I thought our tithe went to ye maiden who had theey bastard child until thus she did proclaim the father and now is payed by bastardy bond is thought not correct

AnyFuleKno Sat 15-Jan-11 17:32:34

what's for dinner?????

I shall scrape the mould 'pon this two day old bread, twill be most acceptable, om nom nom

catinthehat2 Sat 15-Jan-11 17:32:42

I freely admitte to ownynge severalle outte of controlle cattes.

I admitte to nothing else as Mistresse TAbulahrasa seemes alarmyngely well up on the legal & relygious backgrounde of certaine capitalle crimes. I wyll notte incryminate myselfe therefore.

I suspect she may be a troll from the Witchfynder General's office

<a lyttle bitte scared nowe>

Chil1234 Sat 15-Jan-11 17:33:00

I' faith, eschew the leeches for a poultice of horse dung, applied o'er the buttocks, so to release the malevolent humours that afflict thy husband so cruelly. And reduce the height of thy midden... 'tis monstrous tall.

tabulahrasa Sat 15-Jan-11 17:33:16

what art these benefyt cheats you speak of?

Tythes go to our feudal lord for him to spend in any way he sees fit - as is the proper order of things

children should not be given fine ale, but small beer - thou ist being confused by fine ale companies advice, small beer provides all the goodness children need

GentleOtter Sat 15-Jan-11 17:37:59

Style and Doth Thou Looketh Comely

Doth my arse looketh bigge in this? <twirleth>

General pustules and afflictions

I have a red rash and lumps, could it be plague?

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 17:43:40

I be mightily worried for the chylde of a deare frende who may be tryinge to leade her chylde ynto the ways of the horned one.

Thys maye bee in parte due to beinge accused of wytchcrafte and foul sorcery herself (as well as thatte of namynge the chylde courtneye with a spellinge that doth notte existe in common usage) but I do wonder whether it woulde be of benefite to said chylde to make mention of courtneye to that agency of our Majestye that be concerned wyth alle matters social?

What saye ye Mumsnette?

My MIL is an olde crone. Shall I denounce her?

BibiBlocksberg Sat 15-Jan-11 17:46:16

grin Witch Bibi of Blocksberg hereby stateth her merry amusement with this fine topic grin

plupervert Sat 15-Jan-11 17:46:24

Alack! Mine child hath bitten the Eare of her Friende, and the Child's Mother doth now shun me at sundry Gatherings and Church.

In my place, What Wouldst Thou Do?

(To those who have bemoaned being blacked with the Name of Wytch: my Sisters! I Feare I may be with you soon, for verily this Mother hath also persuaded Others to cut their Eyes at me)

catinthehat2 Sat 15-Jan-11 17:48:44

Missbeehiving, do checke your resident ratte poulation for signes of fleas. I believe the plague is spredde by foul humours from these wicked animalcules of Beelzebub.

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 17:49:45

Missbehiving - If thy MIL be an olde crone, it is faire and just that thou denounce her forthwith thatte we all be spared the curse that is most assuredly waiting to spill from her wytchlyke lips grin

If thou wouldst be patient, I wille return forthwith withe details of an agency thatte is renowned for wytchfinding and huntinge wink

plupervert Sat 15-Jan-11 17:50:01

Mistressbehive, for shame! Thy Husband's Mother hath the care of all the Familie in her Heart. Hast thou not respect? Mend fences, lest thy day as Matriarch Not Come (for thy Husband shalt not gainsay her authority, and his Father likewise).

tabulahrasa Sat 15-Jan-11 17:50:43

hast the biting childe been possessed? Thou should beateth her in the village square and request that the priest doth whip her soundly

that should cureth the childe

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 17:58:38

Mine husband hath been of late, lookynge elsewhere for pleasure that doth not existe in thys household. Thys hath been said to hym yet he sayeth that were I notte a cuckold, he wouldst notte looketh atte the comely women who attendeth our most beloved church.

I wouldst notte lyke to aske hym to leaveth thys household butte feel thatte there may notte be any other path open to us. What then shouldst be mine next action?

I do thinketh thatte it may be of some use to have the goode reverend denounce hym from the pulpit butte am notte sure.

Help?

Portofino Sat 15-Jan-11 18:07:06

I worketh as a whet nurse at ye olde manor. AIBU to thinketh that my lord and master should notte keepst popping round to regardeth my norkage when my lady is occupied wyth her tapestry?

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 18:11:18

cat and tab,
Knowest thee notte the ways of the witche fynder? If thou are denounced as a wytch, Master Hopkyns the witche fynder general will have thee swimmed in the village pond, and thou willest be hanged by the necke.
The foul crones haveth notte beene burned in thys fair isle for manye a yeare.
Dost thou thinkest that we abide stylle in the darke ages?

BalloonSlayer Sat 15-Jan-11 18:12:33

My neighbour does not toil in the fields nor does his wife labour to feed the young ones.

Yet the squire has payed for a fine grass roofe for them and yea furthermore a stage on which to perform songes and merriment in their own dwelling which measures more than a yard across.

BibiBlocksberg Sat 15-Jan-11 18:12:49

sephrenia - I beseech thee to follow the GentleOtters advices and get thee to the Style and Doth Thou Looketh Comely area at once.

grin <rolleth upon the ground consumed with mirth>

BalloonSlayer Sat 15-Jan-11 18:15:10

My husband's mother suggests that only serfs would feed their own babe with their own breasts, and that I should employ a wet nurse forthwith. Verily should I tell her she is being a quent?

WhenPaperclipsAttack Sat 15-Jan-11 18:24:19

Prithee good folk of Ye Olde Mumsnet, I beseech you to ensure that your shapes of men remember to partake in their dutiful archery practice. The sherrif did visit our hovel this morn and took my DH away to be strung up from a gibbet as he had not shot sufficient arrows into straw Frenchmen.

I am now a widow with a hunchback and 17 children under 12 years. I'm having to go on the game to keep them in gruel and rags.

cheezyquaver Sat 15-Jan-11 18:31:48

Oyez oyez hark thee mumsnet. The daughter of mine self own husbands brother has undertaken to becomest a slattern of the lords and noblemen of the greate and beautiful citye of Londonium.

Thyself fears for her, yet the dividends from such a venture enablest her to dress in a manner most comely to gentlemen, gowns and luggage made by that most reputed of tailors-Prada & some messirs Dolce & Gabana originally of afar shores of Italy.

Should I myself partake of a fast noble steed and bring her whenceforth?

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 18:33:36

Posted in ye 'Idle banter' topic,
Didst though observe the recent show of mummery and minstrellyng that is, Britain hath clever people?
I found it verily entertainynge.
Ye woodsmanne who chopped kindlynge with his hatchette in time to an accompaniment of mynstrelles was mightily accomplyshed, (And wouldst no doubt make a suitable husband for some lucky maid.)
Although methinks thatte the mayden who brought her dogge thither and attempted to make the beast singe for the entertaynemente of ye audience was very lykely touched bye eville spyrits!
Ye judges request thatte the Audience mob make a vote to decree who is ye most cunning player.
Ye Victor will be named an official entertayner, and found suitable employmente.

NacMacFeegle Sat 15-Jan-11 18:35:37

BalloonSlayer, thou hast caus'd me to sully my undergarments with mine piss!

I pray thee, gentle wives, tell me true, hast thou knowledge of how much truthful meat of pigge is contain'd in the offerings of Mr. Gregg the Pastry Seller?

GentleOtter Sat 15-Jan-11 18:37:59

I will giveth my first borne chylde the name Priveth.

Verily, what thinkest thou?

Will the chylde becomest confused withe a hedge?

Mine eldest child (2 summers old) has just this morrow astounded the elders of ye village with the most extraordinary tales of devillments and tricks which, sayes he, are the imaginings of his own minde.

Prithee, is my child bestowed with the gift of talentedness or hath he been possessed by ye Deville?

DirtyMartini Sat 15-Jan-11 18:46:53

<tips slop bucket out window to avoid need for ye olde loo brush>

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 18:54:26

Am I beying unreasonable in thinking thatte the mother of mye lord and husbande a wytche?
I am worryed that the dame may be one of satans minions.
She hath a wart upon her visage, wythe haire growinge from it, and she spends manye an houre collectynge herbs and roots, that she doth distylle into potions, and sell to her neighbours for the curing of the pox, and the drying up of the bloody flux.
She recently told me that my housewyfe skills are slack and thatte I was a slattern. I told her to leave my house, and now my cow has dyed.
I feare that she hast Ill wished the beast.
Should I complayne to mye husbande, or will he just think I am a scold?

My ladies, pray, counsel and console me, for my husband, the lord of Geekington has surely asked me to partake of an position not known within these parts.

He asketh me last Friday to take the butter from the cows and rubbeth it all over the place where my seat meets ones skin and maketh me a bed upon which to lie from which he giveth me the most unusual surprise. I hast not words to describe the recreation in which he indulged, lest to sully thy tender minds, but he wandered upon the path and found another entrance to one's privy garden shock

Verily I cannot walk without wincing.

Should I denounce him and shack up with the King, who travelleth down on his horse weekly with his lady to the glen where all the knights meet with their hounds to watch them cavort and display?

Ye veritable flying crones of ye Parish decree that thine bucket should be shined prettily before thou dwell for ye night. Thou canst find it in ye 'Goode Hovel-Purging' chapter.

Also, how canst I charm a dragon? My Lorde and Lady require its milk, but for what purpose I know not.

Portofino Sat 15-Jan-11 19:01:36

wmmc grin

Style and Doth Thou Looketh Comely

Make haste to the local market where Master Johnnye of Boden hath garments at a most reasonable pryce. I purchased a sackclothe of hotchepotche this morrow in exchange for my best pig and the indentured service of my three youngest chyldren.

I happened upon a wench plying her urchins with the food of Greggs the baker. AIBU to denounce her as a witch and a slattern?

'Tis sage advice MissBeehiving. Mine garments from Master Mark of Spencer, which have travelled from the barbarian lands of PerUna in which our menfolk fight, were shunned by ye ladies this morrow. Mistress Goodbody made much of mine attire and sayd that I wast 'too matronly' in my attire and 'had ye visage of ye sow of litters trice'!

EdgarAleNPie Sat 15-Jan-11 19:09:59

wmmc he doth somethynge ungodly.
telle hyme to scourge himself

AIBU to lash my horse to yonder hitching post ordinarily reserved for babes and their wetnurses if I will only be but five of God's minutes within the apothecaries?

BelleDameSansMerci Sat 15-Jan-11 19:10:38

grin

EdgarAleNPie - he doth scourge himself regularly, with both his hands and his donkey. Further, I see him on his knees praying before the smaller of our sheep almost daily.

funtimewincies - to tame a dragon, one must use on quart of dragon butter - google it if not sure where to locate such liquor. grin

one quart rather

Goodlady GentleOtter, Priveth is an excellent name for a child and will set him out on a path for greatness cleaning the waterclosets. Did you say Priveth was a girl, ah no matter, the lord of the manor is not choosy these days.

WMMC, you do indeed risk a terse message of brimstone and dung daubed upon your beast for such a dishonest deed.

NacMacFeegle - Mr Greggs doth use fine pigs within his pies. And squirrels, badgers, cats and all of God's fine creatures. Since we are within God's season of the snow, I would suggest your pie may be maketh with polar bear or similar vittels. Feast and rejoice!

funtimewincies Alas if only I should receive just the dung. I have wattle but no dung and my servants are keen to maketh the house bigger so his loyal servant Jane shall joineth him in the office that he may better travail in his official pursuits undisturbed. I dost not know what his business pertains, being a simple minded woman, but do sometimes hear noises and Jane doth be both red faced with her endeavours and rejoicing at all times of the afternoon.

Alas Mistresse Funtimewincies, PerUna is verily the work of the devil. The garments are not of natural fibres and it is necessary to carry fragrant herbs and leaves upon thy person to guard against unpleasant odours.

<runs to cleanse self in ye duck pond having searched ye ancient scrolls for 'dragon butter'>

Thou art a low and slovenly wench WMMC shock!

AnyFuleKno Sat 15-Jan-11 19:22:45

sephrenia, your husbande doth you no disservice by tarrynge wyhte comely maidens, now that thou has surpass'd thy thirtieth year and thy teethe have long gone.

Verily MissBeehiving and like ones troubles the fitments seem to wax with each full moon till one is verily vexed to choose a size befitting ones stature.

Portofino Sat 15-Jan-11 19:29:11

I fynde that my lord husband doth prefer me with no teethe! He maketh me play a straynge game which he hath named "Hyde the Sausage"

funtimewincies - my lady you doth denounce me most readily and yet ye is the one on a quest for dragon butter. shock

<wondereth if I shall report the witch to the witchfinder general MNHQ> wink

AnyFuleKno Sat 15-Jan-11 19:33:39

be thee well advised, the sure mark of a wytch be that she does fynde her undergarments strangely dyscoloured or bleached wyche can only be by the devices of the devil.

My ladies. I seeketh a husband. My first husband was sadly carried away two years ago and left me with three small blessings. I hast met a squire from an adjoining village who wishes me to accompany him to the purveyor of fishes and potatoe products but one short stroll from our house.

Wouldeth though condemn me roundly were I to leave my children sleeping whilst I broke bread with my lord?

AnyFuleKno Sat 15-Jan-11 19:41:44

Style and be thou comely:

Which look dost thou prefer, thys or thys. Verily, I cannot decide, why be the leaste sluttye?

My heart beats so fast it is posistively bursting from my bodice - i feel i must share my embarrassment.

Our handsome new farmhand brushed passed me on my way to evensong, the manly smell of a common laborer made me giddy with excitement - thoughts raced across my mind that are not befitting for a lady of my standing - a whoring rage came upon me, i wanted to devote a night to it, i wanted him to rip off my under garments with his fine set of teeth - may god have mercy on my soul. This is an exact state of my mind at the time. it shocks me to review it.

AnyFuleKno Sat 15-Jan-11 19:43:51

which be the leaste sluttye. Forsooth, tis devilish hard to use thys contraption!

Hassled Sat 15-Jan-11 19:45:40

Thy talke hast caused me muche merriment and jollitye.

Prithee, thinkest thou of style and beautee? I needest a fyne cape with muche frillery, and whiche dost not let the devil's urine to distemper its fyneness. Whither should I go?

AnyFuleKno Sat 15-Jan-11 19:50:01

wmmc have ye taken leave of thy senses? Thy children should be toiling in ye fieldes and not idling in their beds.

Marlinspike Sat 15-Jan-11 19:50:23

Hey nonny nonny carminaburana!

Thou shouldst temper thy lust! Garde thee thine maidenhead as if it bee thine lyffe! Beeware, that manly odour that makest thee swoon be naught but alchemy, devised by wizards and daemons, and placed 'pon the shelves of yee Tescoes to tempt poor maidens to walk from the path of righteousness.

Get thee behind me, oh demon-mist lynx! Thou shalt not bind me to the witches-stool with thine evil airs!

sungirltan Sat 15-Jan-11 19:56:41

from whence can i purchase a new mirkin?

GentleOtter Sat 15-Jan-11 19:58:06

Mine husbande doth have the Huff and his lip traileth on the ground.

Our troubador and jester haveth the evening off so should I take my foote off his hynde quarters and be done?

Beath this thoughtte unreasonable?

Ye witchfinder would not denounce me WMMC, I know the telling of many of his dark deeds. He hath been masquerading upon Ye Book of Ye Countenance as an unwed monk and hath been wooing widows for their chattels.

Take care in thine quest, lest ye fall prey to such a rouge. I fear that thys yeoman may have thine chattels in his minde.

Any, ye garment in the first woodcutting is ye most comely and would not make ye resemble a roaming trollope.

BalloonSlayer Sat 15-Jan-11 19:59:38

Mine husband has begun taking his quill and parchment everywhere verily even unto the privy. Since Michaelmas he has taken undue care of his vanity, having taken two, yes TWO baths since then, the second using my best soap made from the pig killing. Need I be a-fretting?

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 20:00:19

Mistress Blocksberg - Verily did I partake of the advice of Style and Dost Thou Look Comely but I fear thatte Mistress AnyFuleKno be ryghte inne thatte mine precious teeth have just nowe fallen from myne heade and am indeede of no further use to myne beloved husband.

I wylle nowe make haste to the apothecary inne the hope thatte he may yet be able to restoreth myne good looks grin

PassionKiss Sat 15-Jan-11 20:04:01

Oh prithee thou wise women of mumsnette, AIBU?
Glad tidings, I have been blessed with a fruitful wombe! But at the same tyme stuck down by a foul sickening which finds me each morning-tide. A local crone (my husband's mother) hast instructed me to inbibe a loathsome tincture of ginger - can this be good advice? It seemest much more likely that she is trying to poison me and shouldeth be burnt as a wytch forthwith.

BoffinMum Sat 15-Jan-11 20:10:16

oðþæt him æghwylc þær ymbsittendra ofer hronrade hyran scolde

Tincture of ginger is indeed an efficacious remedy to your plight passion, your husband's mother sounds a woman of wise years. She will provide much council to you during your coming confinement, whether thee seek it or nay.

theevildead2 Sat 15-Jan-11 20:11:38

I hath useth a parsnip out the cook's larder.. for a most wycked thing.

AIBU to groweth mine own parsnip patch?

ilovemyhens Sat 15-Jan-11 20:12:18

some evil footpad has been purloining my chykens when nytetyme falls confused

BoffinMum Sat 15-Jan-11 20:13:36

Pray apologies, fair women of Mumsnette, for that 'twas aimed at Dadsnette. I misposteth.

I scrubbed the head so hard my skull is near showing - but still the lustful thoughts hound and torture me. I prey I am not devil bound - I foolishly sullied my tapestry by threading in an image of his rump - his body is never out of my thoughts. Thankfully my dear husband assumed it was a tapestry of our prize thoroughbred

I throw thyself at gods mercy

Help! My hovel needeth a new coat of tinted dung applyeth to it's crumbleth walls. My neighbours Nell the swineherd'd wife ( well she sayeth they have been to the church door but I am not sureth it was to be marryed or whther for quite another joinging purpose wink) She haveth marsh brown with a hint of animal dung but I was wondereth if bog dung with a hint of goose would not be better? Farrow and Ball the village dung collectors will bringeth me my hearts desire but I must layeth by many groats or be totally dunned indeed.

BibiBlocksberg Sat 15-Jan-11 20:19:24

Ah, fearest not fairest sephrenia, scribest thou on a piece of parchment the ideas of Portofino's lord and master and leaveth the parchment whereupon he is sure to stumble upon and readeth said article.

"I fynde that my lord husband doth prefer me with no teethe! He maketh me play a straynge game which he hath named "Hyde the Sausage" "

cobbledtogether Sat 15-Jan-11 20:23:00

AIBU to hireth a wet nurse for my breastes might sagge when I feedeth my childe?

EdgarAleNPie Sat 15-Jan-11 20:28:04

My mydwyfe did not serve me welle, during my labours did she not give me wine, which I did beg her for most earnestly, but she did taunt me wyth the wine like unto the soldiers who did taunt our sweet Lord Jesus during his pains upon the Crosse.

I have cried and been wraught with Ire since, and my babe cleaveth not well to mine bosom.

shoulde I beg of her some recompence?

I fear also she does take my husbande to bedde, though i care not for this as he is ridden with pox and it shalle now afflicte her most sorely!

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 20:28:04

Mistress Blocksberg, I must thank thee greatly for thine advice. Just nowe myne husband didst declare thatte thys game 'Hyde the Sausage' would indeede be greatly admir'd by hym and thatte we shoulde playe itte forthwith.

He has also made mention of an apprenticeship wyth the glass makers. I do notte understande whatte he may mean by 'learnynge how to do a proper blowe jobbe'. Perhaps thys be some glassmaker's artte of whych I have notte heard of before. Wouldst thou perchance understand hys meanynge?

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 20:35:00

I be'est verily, confused. I have missed my monthly moon courses, and feareth thate I mayest be with child. I have been told that putting my morning waters upon the back of a certain type of frog, will confirmeth this fact.
My dilemma is that I be unsure whiche type of frog is best?. As my moone flow is only juste past, whyche type of beast will furnish me with ye surest answer?

EdgarAleNPie Sat 15-Jan-11 20:37:40

i am the lady of the manor, yet i fear we do feel sore pressed by the same povertie that doth afflict the tithe-maker in their hovel.

I have arrayed mine firstborn sonne to go to war with the Unholy Saracen in the goode armour from John of Lewes as any good mother shulde and my purse is alle but empty.

His syster needeth a fyne dowry as befite a daughter of mine noble house.

Needs must i also paye the money for the charity of the parish, but from whence?

I shalle not paye - be i not reasonable?

I hast beseeched MNHQ to place thine discourse in the classic place whereth it flourish and not end in 90 days.

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 20:40:14

Mistress catpuss - You needst fynde a frogge that be'eth a maiden who is wyth childe herself and, most carefully, pour thy morning waters upon her backe to confirmeth thy goode news.

If it pleases thee, wouldst thou return wyth thy results that we may alle share with thee in thys goode (or badde) news?

EdgarAleNPie Sat 15-Jan-11 20:47:04

WMMC i am of good accorde in thys endeavour.

QueenOfTheNight Sat 15-Jan-11 20:47:13

My husbande has this nyte beseeched me to grant him leave to make ye great pylgrymage to ye shrine in ye city where he and two fellow pylgrymes from ye village tavern will worship ye lord our Godde for two dayes and two nytes.

Am I a wickede wyffe, as he accuseth, for doubting my lord and master or would ye also worrit that wenching, wickedness and drynking till they spewytt will take playce??

Tis the wenching that worrit me most. He cannot keep his byttes in his hose.

our discourse in classics ?

this heady mix of talking inappropriately with women of the village whilst licking the cooks cream off my fingers is decidedly too much << faints delicately >>

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 20:49:46

Mistress AleNPie - You wouldst be served best methinks if thou beseech thy lord to raise the tithe or, if thys be notte a course of action ye mayest take, get thee to that most noble of places, the bureau of citizens who mayest be able to help thee in thy tyme of need.

Shouldst ye fail to paye into the charity then ye wouldst be MOST unreasonable.

I hope thys advyce be of helpe.

EdgarAleNPie - would dost beseech independently using the 'reporteth' button to press our case?

AnyFuleKno Sat 15-Jan-11 20:50:29

goodwyfe saggy, tis said that the best frogge be bothe cleare and blue, but ye cheapest be procured from the market stalle where everythinge be priced at 1d

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 20:50:36

I didst procure said frogge, and attempted to pass my water upponne it's back. But I am foiled in mye testings as I was unayble to anoint ye backe of ye cursed beast properley, and have bungled ye testings.
My lord husband has roundly cursed mye failing to be ayble to pee on a frogge strayte, and nowe I am unayble to procure another such creyture until the moone riseth on ye morrow.

BalloonSlayer Sat 15-Jan-11 20:51:19

My husband's maiden sister doth pledge to marry her sweetheart before Easter falls.

Yet she hath sent all a beech leaf so that we might know the exact shade of brown we all must wear to see them wed.

I quoth to her: you must have sweated collecting the leaves autumn past. She quoth back: Nay! Yon maiden from the village O'er the hill does this for me for all the eggs my blackest hen lays.

Never have I known such a bride so above her station. And I the cousin of the bride that refused her great-great-Grandmother's dress!

Now she declares very prettily that suckling babes are most unwelcome.

Would I be outside of all reason to claim that the dung collecting shall be keeping us busy on the day she is to be wed?

My lady approacheth me recently in the morrow to enquire ofeth my sack of accoutrements suitable to the pit that may arise following the ending of all endings. I have duly purchased said 'oh fucketh ruck sack' and packed it. However, mumsnetters, pray telleth to me, is it necessary to packeth the magick sticks of fire or will mine zippo suffice?

dementedma Sat 15-Jan-11 21:05:42

verily ye maidens have caused tears of merriment to courseth down my apple cheeks.I applaud thee all most wholeheartedly and must now repair to rinse my underpinnings in the river, as the violence of my joyful cries has led to severe leakage in my most unmentionable of unmentionables!

BalloonSlayer Fear ye not, your husband's maiden sister is enchanted by the demon Bridezilla. Repond forthwith to her leaf with one smeared with your dung. Then thou must arriveth at her wedding service attired in the gown of your great great Grandmother.

Have patience, I know not whether this should be posted in "Style and Comeliness" or "Propertye";

Mine husband, is away on the Crusades in the Holy Lands and before he departeth these shores, he affixed to my personage a instruement which causes me much grievance though chafeing on my nether regions. I am unable to remove it without the key which he hath taken with him! Where might I procure a replacement key?

MissBeehiving - tryeth you Sudocrem?

Magna Sat 15-Jan-11 21:10:23

Fair gentle folke of mn thou is pissing ones sides at the trials and tribulations of thy gentle era.

I am grateful WMMC for thine assistance in this unfortunate matter. The apothecary was not well aquainted with this miraculous substance and bid me rub some Butter of Bottoms on the affected part instead with limited relief. However there is now less squeaking arising from the infernal contraption.

EdgarAleNPie Sat 15-Jan-11 21:14:41

beehyvinge take thee to the Smythy

he hath a pronge that i believe thou will surely find to thy satisfaction.

timetosmile Sat 15-Jan-11 21:19:12

and thou shouldst behold his fine greate pair of bellowes

LeQueen Sat 15-Jan-11 21:20:44

Foreasmuch as it would please my most gracious Sirs, prithee would thoust venture betwixt the portals of my most humble ale-house, entitled Ye Swingers Clubbe (^Where^ You Can Go Like A Privy Door When The Plagues In Town^ )

Whence therein, thou mayest desport your good selves with buxom maidens proffering their ripened fundements for your lordly thrusts. Rest easy my good Sirs, for there be nary a need for the vexious affrontments of polite discourse with our maidens, nor indeed the unctuous concerns of thees, most assuredly, hitherto most noble purity of soul...

It is beholden uponst me to assure you my good Sirs, that thou mayest jizz and rut upon these most fair maidens like a horde of Belzebub's demonic imps for just the price of a few grotes. A tankard of our best honeyed-mead is most humbly included in the price kind Sirs. Step this way...

AnyFuleKno Sat 15-Jan-11 21:21:24

yes the smythyes fyne work with the hot pokere is much admir'd

MissBeehiving - Jack the ironsmith on Dung Street may use his drill to help with your impediment. However, I beseech thee to take care he does not use his personal drill as thine husband may take issue to find you having issue upon his return.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 21:23:16

[grinneth] @ LeQueen!

I see a crossposted with other fine ladyfolk. Missbeehaving have you considered the fine work carried out by the midwitch Ann of Summers. Verily she offers all manner of tools to assist gentlewomen in your predicament.

Milngavie Sat 15-Jan-11 21:27:56

Sisters prithee cease this chatter! My underpinnings are dampening from my myrth.

I seeth the local innkeeper out in the orchard shooting hist fruit from the trees.

He forsook to tell me that he planneth a new libation for the chyldes.

TeiTetua Sat 15-Jan-11 21:30:21

Good folk, thy jesting shouldst have me pysse myne knyckers, but mefears they bee not ynvented yett.

winterpetunia Sat 15-Jan-11 21:30:48

News has reached me of a fine confectione, Ye Lemon Drizzle Cake, that many goode people of mumsnette much liketh. I much fancieth making this divine creation. Could a kinde mumsnetter giveth me ye recipe?

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 21:30:55

Pofteth in Tech Stuff:
Pleafe canft fomeone helpeth me? Ever fince I have been pofting on the Medieval Mumfnet thread, everytime I ufe the f key, the letter comef out looking like the letter f! [confufed]

I will be availinge myself of the talents of the smyth forthwyth. I onlye hope that he is able to remove the offynding article and ease mine suffering with his pokers and drill.

MissBeehiving This is welcome news indeed. May I suggest the butter of bottoms be preserved for such purpose. The village witch suggests this arrangement may also avoid issue from such poking.

AnyFuleKno Sat 15-Jan-11 21:39:04

prithee good mumsnetters, could it be said that t'were unreasonable to hold that tis sinful to toil in the fields? all gentle womenfolk should bide in the homestead with the childers doing ye messy play? Or be it rather sinful to bide home hearing tell of ye doings of Sir Jeremy de Kyle when thou shoulds't be gathering ye dung?

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 21:46:01

'Tis surely more sinful to be toiling in the fields where menfolk mayest become enamoured of thine sweaty self and imagynyng all manner of thyngs about what mayest lye under thy bodice than to staye indoors attendyng to thine offspring.

RustyBear Sat 15-Jan-11 21:49:01

Madam LeQueen, knoweth ye not that a fee of two groats must be paid to the overlords of Mumsnette Towers by all who wish to cry their services upon these boards?

dementedma Sat 15-Jan-11 21:50:04

tis the role of all God fearing women to toil, whether tis in the fields with the beasts of the earth,or in the hovel with a hungry babe gnawing thy drooping dugs. Whichsoever road thy choosest, keep in mind that the lord and master will brook no refusal to his needs, and that thou must be ready at all hours of the cock (!) to perform thy wifely duties with good cheer - MissBeehiving excused.
Be of stout heart - the outpourings of thy master will augment thy meagre diet of gruel and dirt and will provide thee with much needed protein,shouldst thou swallowest!

Tis surely a most vexed question Mistresse AnyFuleNo. Whilst the tellings of Sir Jeremy are most diverting, a wife who toilest in the byre must surely be assured of a place in heaven?

Nay lequennie - I fear I am with child, and thus my days of jollying and debortury are behind me, << sigh >> twas just 1 summer ago I swung like our corgi in spring time

BalloonSlayer Sat 15-Jan-11 21:54:04

MissBeehiving I am sorely grieved that your husband doth abuse you so. I implore thee to change the locks on said implement without delay, and to procure some black hessian sacks from the local smithy, within which to deposit his worldly goods.

These left on the step of your abode on his return from the crusades, with an illuminated note, scribed by the monks of the parish:

Fuck Thee,
Thou Utter Arsehole

will communicate thy wifely displeasure most pretty.

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 21:55:48

I praye ye Mumsnetteres may be able to assiste me in my plyghte. My deere sonne doth delight in playinngge with ye Playmobille toyes. His favourite charactere is a manne who goes by ye name of "Normanne Ye Foremanne". This charactere is a slovenly being who labours not at hard work, but prefferres instead to imbibe ye hotte beverage. I feare that this Normanne is a devilish influence uponne mine Chylde.

Please could anyone advyse me on which coorse of actione to take, o Wyse Mumsnetteres?

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 21:58:12

Good sisters, I must warn thee of imending doome!

My Lord and Master hath declared thatte we be nothynge more than a neste of vypers and thatte he hath sente parchment unto the WYtchfinder General Hopkins beseeching hym to vysyt our faire boards thatte he maye easily finde hymselfe the wytches thatte he hath long been searchyng fore.

Guard thyselves sisters! Report thine errant musings thatte they be removed by MNHQ poste haste!

(Also dear sisters, what punishment mayest I inflict on mine Lord and Master before that accursed General arriveth in our faire land?)

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 21:59:18

* impending doome... cursed alchemy!

AnyFuleKno Sat 15-Jan-11 22:00:40

MissBeehiving I heartily recommend goodwyfe BalloonSlayer's advyce to change ye locks, tis said that those of Sir Yale be ye best, but be ye well adysed not to lose ye key.

Furthermore I implore you also to consider planting some parsnips so that ye may make merry with thy husband gone.

somuchtobits; gather all offending items into your petticoats and walk gaily to your nearest stream smile

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 22:08:04

shock Carmina, thatte will be a housefulle of itemmes thenne. And our nearest streamme is verily foure myles awaye. And the shocke of losing Normane Ye Foremanne wuld cause my deere sonne to have ye fytte......

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 22:08:31

Update on saggy's peeing on a frog post:
Noble mumsnet goodwives, my lord fechest me a payre of frogges this eve. I passed my waters into a vessel for ye holdinge of ye sweet provender, and annointed ye beast appropriately. Twould seemest that I am with child. Ye problemm that I be havinge now is that my lord husband be set on castinge me from the hovel house. It seemes thatte he was pecked by a goose last harvest time, and is now unayble to sow his seede.
I have been denounced as a whore, and amm to bee flogged around ye towne at noone, unlesse I nayme the man who has cuckolded my lord.
The dilemma be that the father of ye child be the squires son. He is a fine creature, and tipped me a groat for the pleasure. How do I tell my lord?

dementedma Sat 15-Jan-11 22:08:54

sephrenia - sister i implore thee to add tincture of bromide to his mead. Thus will he be visited by an affliction most sore to occupy his mind and divert it from the musings of the sisterhood!

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 22:10:46

Saggy, ye do notte tell hym. Ye say that it was a chylde of Godde and shall be the next sayviour to mankind, thereforre negating the need for Ye Fuccke Offe Rucksackes.....

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 22:12:22

Twould it not bee possyble to saye that Our Goode Lorde hath provyded thine husbande wyth the means in whych to render thee wyth chylde?

After alle goode sister, everyone knoweth thatte our Saviour was born unto a vyrgyne himself and thys therefore shoulde be of no great surpryse grin

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 22:13:14

Crosse Postes, Sephrenia!

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 22:14:10

Misstress Demented, thou hast hyt upon a most wonderfulle solution to thys problem. I will see to it within the hour as he doth even now sit down for hys evening meal and by chance I hath some bromide in yonder broom closet....

Portofino Sat 15-Jan-11 22:15:25

I recommende notte so much as the humble parsnip, butte the local soothsayer has giveth me a straynge new fruit which she called a "cucumber". Tis surely wytchcraft, but since that day, I have sent my lord husband to sleep in yonder privy.

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 22:15:50

I didst notice Mistress SoMuchToBits and feele thatte in thys situation, your advyce maye be of more helpe to our goode sister than thatte rendered by my own selfe wink

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 22:17:39

Surely notte, Mistress Sephrenia! I am sure that your own advyse is just as goode (if notte bettere) than mine owne. smile

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 22:18:56

Goody Sephrenia, please stem thy fears, I live here in ye towne of manningtree, which does abide next to ye town of Mistley. That be ye home of my lord Hopkins. I will takest myself to his abode and beseech him grantethhimsexualfavoures on behalf of my sister mumsnetters. As I am already up ye sticketh, there will be no risk of my disgrace on your behalf.

ivykaty44 Sat 15-Jan-11 22:20:11

I needeth a makings after, doe aide caney elp

dementedma Sat 15-Jan-11 22:21:37

sisters i must bid thee goode nyghte for the owl calls from yonder woods and the hour is late. may the Goode Lord keep and preserve thee in the hours of darkness that ye may live unsullied to see the sun rise on the morrow. For those amongst this company whose most fervent wish is to spend the hours of darkness beingsullied, i say unto thee - fill thy boots!!!!

bibbitybobbityhat Sat 15-Jan-11 22:21:44

I roffleth on yonder hearth at thys threadde ye fules.

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 22:22:37

Mistress Saggy, If I can bee of any helpe, I live fayrly neare in the towne of Cressgrove, neare Gippeswyck in the Countye of Suffolke.

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 22:23:55

Goodwyfe saggyoldclothcatpuss, you are moste assuredly the kindest of women to grantsexualfavours pleade fore your sisters here.

Let it be knowne thatte once this probablyquitenice disgusting favoure is complete, I wyll make haste to ye poste boxe thatte I maye sendeth ye the treate knowne as Thorntons

I am sure thatte our fellowe sisters feel the same waye about your most noble sacrifyce!

TeiTetua Sat 15-Jan-11 22:23:58

Up ye sticketh be such as was formerly spoke in olden tyme, in ye clubbe?

QueenOfTheNight Sat 15-Jan-11 22:24:15

Update to my fyrste poste.

I just went out to the byre to feede the beasts and overheard my husbande and the other pylgrymes speaking of their pylgrymage.

They are planning to pay pylgrymage at a playce known as Ye Palace of Lappe Dancying and they hope to meete some badde norty maidens in a playce where redde lites are lit.

I am weapyng into my mead. He is a twatte. I have putte his stuffe in the cowshedd.

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 22:24:21

And as ye knowe, Gippeswyck is but one stoppe from Manningtree on ye trayne (although ye trayne maye notte have beene invented yette).

NonnoMum Sat 15-Jan-11 22:25:39

Goodwives of Mummsnettownton, I have forsooth been delivered of a lusty babe. One praises providence for much good fortune, howso, alas, alack, the pretty cherub will not slumber.
Shall I employ Good Mistress Forde and her rigid of the clock routinee? Or shall I allow the birds of the field to guide my little cherub into a routine as nature intended?

MrsThisIsTheCadillacOfNailguns Sat 15-Jan-11 22:28:09

snorteth!grin

SugarMousePink Sat 15-Jan-11 22:28:17

Verily this screed hath caused me much merriment this night

<grinneth>

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 22:29:15

Mistress NonoMum! Thou mayest not use Mistress Forde, didst thou notte knowe that she hath been denounced as a minion of Satan?!

Though thy chylde maye notte slumber, be assured that thys is much preferred to the possyble taynt of said wytch!

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 22:30:21

Mistress , somuch, I thank ye for thy offer of aid, but I think maybe the journey by mule would takest thee several days, the wytchfynder would be departed hence to the arrest of goody Sephrenia. I will take the trial goodeharderodgeringe upon my selfe. asibehotteforit

NonnoMum Sat 15-Jan-11 22:33:05

Ay, Serephenia thou spakest with much wisdom. My childe may not slumber, but I would like to rest my weary bones of an e'ening, as I like to be fresh come the rising of the sun to see with mine own eyes, the results of the DNA tests on Master Jeremy Of Kyle's Mummers Play.

SugarMousePink Sat 15-Jan-11 22:33:24

Queen, suggesteth to your Lord thatte should he make his pylgrymige to the Lappe Dancyng Palace you will beseech upon the Towne Elders to assigne you half of the byre, the beasts that dwell within as well as removing yourself and his issue from his accursed clutches?

purplepidjin Sat 15-Jan-11 22:34:17

Doth I withoutte reasonne bee?

Myne husband doth regard the fyne match involynge ye bladder of ye pygge. I be not readye for myne bedde , yet wish not to regardde such monstrosytye.

Shouldde I make sucche requesttes of hym to chaynge ye chanelle?

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 22:34:18

<sniggereth wyldly into her bedtime mead>

jugglingjo Sat 15-Jan-11 22:34:22

My dear daughter hath suckled upon my breast these four yeres passed, and a six month, before she be weaned entire to a pottage of porridge, and of turnip.

My sonne doth suckle with evan greater ardour at the breast, particulalie as the even draweth on and the nichte falleth, even as his sixth anniversarie doth approach.

For these my labours of motherhoode hath I been decried surely as an witchye, and am to be dunked in ye village ponde this Saturdaye at noone.

Notwithstanding rumour that has comme to towne that the milche of the breaste be an danger to the childe, I praye and beseache ye mine sisters to stande with me on this Saturdaye, and alongside me, to pleade with me my cause -
and also my defense which be all and onley for the love of my very deare childers.

Blesse ye all, bothe those thate suckle a little wile, and those too thate suckle longg.

SugarMousePink Sat 15-Jan-11 22:37:29

Your Lord has allowed Satan into his soule. The sportyng matche with the bladder of ye pygge is the devil's owne work, nay your Lord should be engaged in Godly pursuits.

purplepidjin Sat 15-Jan-11 22:40:04

Yeay butte you dothe correcte bee, Mistress SugarMouse. Hys headde be turned bye thys game such thatte he thynks that myne postyngs be not amusynge shock

BelleDeCinsault Sat 15-Jan-11 22:40:54

Exquisite

GingaNinja Sat 15-Jan-11 22:45:31

grin

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 22:46:16

Madame Purple, thy husband muste have a head as empty as ye pigges bladder, to notte find ye postinges of our coven of mothers amusynge. Tell him to go forth and dig out the midden heap, and leave thee to thyne entertaynement.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 22:46:17

Shoulde I be worried? My childe is onlye being given ye capital letters to illuminate at ye Schoole of Learninge, yet ye remaindere of ye classe are doing ye Booke of Kells.

MrsThisIsTheCadillacOfNailguns Sat 15-Jan-11 22:47:12

Goodwyves I have need of advyse.After partaking of a dish of baked beans,I am much afflicted with the wind.Verily the breath of Beelzebub doth blow from my buttocks and my Lord did wish to lye with me this night.

How may I rid myself of my affliction?

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 22:49:00

Mine Spouse doth requeste that on ye laste daye of ye workinge week, he getteth to utilise ye Wronge Hole. Am I beinge unryseonable to thinke that this is a Misemployment of saide Orifice?

Wandsworthmummy Sat 15-Jan-11 22:50:52

Dear mumsnet,

What advice to you have when one moves into a posh area and works full time & has 2 kids?

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 22:50:53

Mistress whydo, ye are notte being unreasonabble at alle......

QueenOfTheNight Sat 15-Jan-11 22:52:26

I thank you Mistress SugarMousePink

The husbande now lives in ye byre. The beasts do not like it but they will get used to it.

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 22:52:41

Mistress Wandsworthmummy, I have greate difficultye in understandynge your poste. I beseech thee to express it in the language to whych we are accustommed.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 22:54:31

Lady Whydobirds, mayhap though shouldst introduce your lord to Mrsthis. She mayest set him from his path, and back into ye wayes of propriety!

Verily ladies of ye mumsnet thou speakest well and with good humour. My Lord hath seated himself afore the fire with intent to view ye match of ye day and I thus retired to my chamber to seek amusement upon these pages. Indeed I have found it and 'tis the Devil's work.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 22:56:01

Goodwife Catpuss, I am veritably rollinge on ye floore with ye mirthe at youre Commente.

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 22:57:15

Mistress whydo, offer thine husbande anne exchaynge. Telle hym thatte he maye utilise ye Wrong Hole onlye after he hath tryed itte hymself. If he styll thynks thatte thys is notte unreasonable after hys owne attempt, then ye maye aske whether he mayest have a pointe grin

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 22:58:04

[grinneth]

jugglingjo Sat 15-Jan-11 22:59:50

Mistress Whydo, Perchance thy spouse mite take up with husbande of Mistress Queenie in ye byre.

There he mite satisfye his animal passions withoute disturbance to thy personage.

WilfShelf Sat 15-Jan-11 23:01:05

Takke thy leave of hyme afore noone, and gette thee and yon childe to the Refugium Femina of the Systerhood.

Forgettyng not first to seweth river salmon wythin the hems of deare husbandman's bedcoveryngs and to slasheth his undertunics...

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 23:02:08

Methinkest that Wandsworth mayest be a wytche. She speeketh in tongues, a sure sign of commune with Beelzebub! Mayhap I shalt denounce her to Master Hopkins.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 23:02:28

Sephrenia, but we possesseth not a Bigge Double Endere, ande ye owner of ye locale Private Shoppe was burned as a wytch only ye outher daye. How canne he trye it? If he lyeth with another manne, he maye be stoned (Atte least he maintaineth that it mighte help...).

WilfShelf Sat 15-Jan-11 23:02:41

Methinks Mistress Boffinmum is showing off and needs a goode ducking grin

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 23:03:41

Methinketh alyke, mistress Saggy.

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 23:06:15

Mistress whydo, hath thou no beast of burden whych he mayest prevail upon? I was informed by the mydwyfe thatte thys wouldst notte be unusual behaviour inne a husbande and thatte I shouldst turne a blind eye towarde thys behaviour in mine owne husbande.

Doth thys meane I was ill-informed by the mydwyfe?

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 23:10:09

Mistress Saggy I do heartily agree in the case of Mistress Wandsworth. Usynge such straynge language is most definitely a sygn. While thou getagoodrodgeringfrom pleadeath for us to General Hopkins, denounceth her in our stead!

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 23:11:30

Sephrenia, ye onlye Beaste we possessed in ye worlde was One Pigge, and I made ye Pigge into ye Hamme yesterday. I woulde hope my Spouse wouldst not be stickinge his Appendage inne my Hamme.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 23:12:14

Goodwife Whydobirds, mayhap thy lord husband would most verily profit from procuring a turnype shaped like a thingy for the purpose of his testings.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 23:14:14

Verily, Mistress Catpuss, I thinke that may be ye Waye Forwarde. <snurketh>

WilfShelf Sat 15-Jan-11 23:15:04

Mistress whydo, pray tell it was Nyce Hamme?

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 23:16:16

Whydo, I agree, 'twould make a most disgustynge dinner. Mistress saggy's suggestion woulde satysfy alle testyng purposes methinks.

I muste saye thatte thy postynge dyd maketh me spew forth mine nightly brewe onto the screene of my postynge contraption atte your replye!

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 23:16:59

It was moste cyrtainlie ye Nyce Hamme.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 23:17:57

Verily, my husbade has sent for the apothecary, in order to help quell the paroxysms if my mirth at mistress whydobirds hamme. [grinneth]

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 23:19:15

If it were Nyce Hamme, then even more reasonne for thine husbande notte to stick his appendage therein.....

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 23:19:54

Sephrenia, I concurreth. T'would be most vile. Ye Hamme is saltie enough as itte is.
I shalle take ye advice of Goodwyfe Catpuss, ande procure ye Turnippe shaped like ye Thingye.

jugglingjo Sat 15-Jan-11 23:20:17

MistressSaggyCatte -Surely an parsnip or the newly seen carrote hath an alltogether better shappe for suche testynge than the comely turnipe ( being as fulle rounde as ye harveste moone )

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 23:20:21

[winketh]

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 23:20:30

Mistress Somuch, mine Husbande thinketh ye Opposite.

SugarMousePink Sat 15-Jan-11 23:20:53

Yea Mistress Whydo, thine Lord's appendage mayhaps be the cause of domestic discorde, but Mumsnette proclamations must be honoured. Was ye Hamme nyce hamme?

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 23:21:14

Or ye cumcumbere.....

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 23:21:30

Goodwife Juggling, I supposeth that that dependeth whether or notte mine Spouse hath already tried ye Wronge Hole for himselfe a few times.

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 23:22:09

I maketh Ye mistake - I meaneth Cucumbere.....

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 23:22:20

Goodwife Sugarmouse, it was ye Nyce Hamme. I have ye Standardes, thou knowest.

purplepidjin Sat 15-Jan-11 23:22:38

Mystresse Whydo, thou must baketh one pye on the morrow, & allowwe thy husbande to maketh free wyth ytte

BoffinMum Sat 15-Jan-11 23:22:57

Whence and whither away, Wilshelf? <pottage wouldn't melt in mouth emoticon>

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 23:23:08

<goodwife whydobirds realises that she hast sygnificantlie lowered ye tone of ye threade>

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 23:24:22

I must away, good ladyes. Mine daughter hath the Pox, and is moste restless.

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 23:24:29

[grinneth at Mistress Purple's idea]

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 23:24:40

But Mistress Whydo, does your husbande not thinke that his appendage may ruinne the Nyce Hamme and render it unfytte for humanne consumption>

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 23:25:34

Goodwife Somuch, you'd thinke so. But You Knoweth What Menne Are Lyke.

SugarMousePink Sat 15-Jan-11 23:26:22

Goodwives, I confesse I am vexed at my own Lord. Our discourse over Mistress Whydo's turnippe shaped like a Thingye, procured a reply from my Lord that a Marrowe tis a superior receptacle. I oblige my Lord with my Wifely dutie when my Lord so desires - perchance has my Lord chosen to honour a fruite of the land insteade?

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 23:26:53

I do indeede! They think not about the Nyce Hamme, but more about their owne carnal desires.....

sephrenia Sat 15-Jan-11 23:28:15

I muste awaye goode sisters afore mine husbande doth become truly impatient at my dithering upon thys goode threade as he wishes fore me to take parte in my wifely duties.

I bid you all good e'en ande wille see ye upon the morrow.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 23:28:25

Mistress Sugar, I have hearde it telle that ye Marrowe is pleasentlye mushye Insyde. Partycularlie if thou puttest it in ye Mycrowave firste.

SugarMousePink Sat 15-Jan-11 23:28:48

I am an emptye vesselle withered and aged, but am vexed that my Lord has ceased to honour his holy vows to his goode wife.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Sat 15-Jan-11 23:30:01

Mistress Sugar, tis perhaps time to finde thyself a Younger Model?

LeQueen Sat 15-Jan-11 23:30:32

"Madam LeQueen, knoweth ye not that a fee of two groats must be paid to the overlords of Mumsnette Towers by all who wish to cry their services upon these boards?"

Tis verily a curse upon the common man, that those whom our Lord has set to rule over us, shalt fleece us of our last farthing, whilst we merely tryest to put a stale morsel of bread in the mouths of our families vouchsafed by the fortuitious putting of one's pork sword into a maid's Gate of Heaven...

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 15-Jan-11 23:31:35

Laydies, I muste away, I was at the market peddling mye pyes and cheese before Dawn thys day. It is time for mye yearly bath, and my lord husband is impatient to away to our chamber. I thynk mayhap he has a gift for me, he muttered somethynge about retiring to bed and a pearl necklace. Mayhap he feels remorseful for the failings of his yuletyde gifts, and seeks to mayke amends...

jugglingjo Sat 15-Jan-11 23:32:01

Mistress Whydo - hath though coverd all spotts withe an goodly tincture of chamomile.
When rested a well bakede pie of finne hamm and leeke may offere goodly sustence to the sickley, if said hamme is stille of good condition.

solo Sat 15-Jan-11 23:34:46

Whilst I agree-eth with Witch Bibi of Blocksberg hereby stating her merry amusement, I calleth upon all present to agree-eth that this here yarn can be paining ineth the eyes and calleth upon thine imagination to be readeth in a funnyeth accent. I thinketh. hmmeth.

SugarMousePink Sat 15-Jan-11 23:34:46

Mistress LeQueen, I feare indeede for your mortale soul whilst thee indulges in sin and carnal lusts. Nay, the paine of being a goodwife who toils for the gruel to feed her issue, is naught againste the paine of eternal damnation at Lucifer's hands. I feare also for your earthly successe as tis established that a Marrowe tis pleasantly accomodating for an appendage and tis cheaper than a groat.

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 23:40:49

I bid you alle a good nyghte, as I am about to retire to mine bedde. Mine husbande is still watching ye programme (I know notte whych programme) while wearinge ye heddephones. So it will bee a quiete nyghte with only mine Teddye beare for companye....

jugglingjo Sat 15-Jan-11 23:45:59

Wishinge thee all a quiete nighte and a sweete dreame 'ere the morrow.

LeQueen Sat 15-Jan-11 23:46:22

sugar I would respectfully hazard that if thou findest a Marrowe of pleasing proportions thou must be in possession of a bucket fannye of splendid renown hmm

SugarMousePink Sat 15-Jan-11 23:47:39

Mistress Somuch, I beseech thee to visit the apothecary recommended by another Sister, Ann of Summers. If thy Lord has abandoned thee for ye programme, thee may take advantage of thy Lord's absence with an appendage, the Rabbytte.

SoMuchToBits Sat 15-Jan-11 23:49:31

I thank ye for your advyse Mistress SugarMouse, but I wish a nyghte of sound repose, and I think mine Teddye Beare may grant me this, so I shall leave mine husbande to his programme....

Nyghte nyghte to alle....

SugarMousePink Sat 15-Jan-11 23:49:45

Mistress LeQueen, I confess thy post brought on an attack of the vapours. While I am nay but a useless husk who no longer pleases my Lord, it is my Lord's appendage that honours the Marrowe. Verily the thought of myself and the Marrowe maketh mine eyes water

<fainteth>

AnyFuleKno Sat 15-Jan-11 23:56:45

be ye kindly thanked for the moste amusing sporte on this threade, and be assured that I now fynde it most troublesome to stoppe talkyng lyke thisse.

May ye rest well and notte suffer too badly from ye fleas and rattes in ye night.

LeQueen Sat 15-Jan-11 23:56:46

Ahh, I am aghast sugar. Heaven forfend that I should besmirch your fanjo, so. Prithee, bestow upon me thou fair forgiveness, twas an honest mistake.

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 00:03:08

Mistress Lequeen, I thank thee most heartily for thine good wishes. If thee can offere advice as to how I may discourage my Lord from honouring said Marrowe with his appendage, verily I would be in thy debt.

BibiBlocksberg Sun 16-Jan-11 00:03:59

Of such fame and importance is this topic it has been raised to the Discussion of the Daye!!

Yeah verily!

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 00:06:12

Indeede Mistress Bibi, yea this dyscussion hath been the talk of the womenfolk around the village water pumpe.

YeButerfleogeEffete Sun 16-Jan-11 00:14:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BibiBlocksberg Sun 16-Jan-11 00:22:35

"He didst proclaim me to be a shrew"

To the ducking stool with thou, shrew. Thou is way past taming.

Partaking of the meade hath affected my powers of making 'olde words'

YeButerfleogeEffete Sun 16-Jan-11 00:24:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sun 16-Jan-11 00:30:01

Yebutter, call ye guard. Thy husband has no business whippyng thee in ye street, he has returned with this vile affliction, and is much to blayme for thy upheavals. Next, take all hys vestements and throw them into ye midden. Thou dost not have to lyve with thys man, cast hym out and go seek a thingy shaped turnip for thy amusement and satysfaction.

BibiBlocksberg Sun 16-Jan-11 00:34:37

Most oblig-ed to yee YeButerfleogeEffete!

ElephantsAndMiasmas Sun 16-Jan-11 00:58:29

Be I Departedde From Mine Wittes?

Mine deere husbande sitteth on ye sacks of soft woolle everie night, and helpeth me not to keep sweete and cleane ye rushes of ye floore, nor to hushe ye hootinge cryes of our childer.

I toile night and daye, yet he stayeth onlie withinne and playeth with ye Knights of Woode, yay even painting themme divers hues, and feigning warre, as if he werre a boye of V sommeres.

Have I departedde from mine wittes to wish to ridde my thresholde of this most foule lodger of ye Cocke?

YeButerfleogeEffete Sun 16-Jan-11 01:01:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuffingGoldBrass Sun 16-Jan-11 01:41:55

Mistress Elephants, thine liege lord doth consort with Satan should he play with ye wooden poppets and not fiddle with hys prycke all night as do noble yeomans who dwelleth in this sceptic isle. As elder wise woman and crone of ye village i abjure thee to anoint a thingy-shaped turnip with ye fiery spices from ye far east and introduce same to thy goodman's fundament.

Cadpat Sun 16-Jan-11 03:19:29

Ye Gawds, this topik hath gone way beyond belief! Can I verily admyt to Laughing my behynd away!

BalloonSlayer Sun 16-Jan-11 08:09:23

Reading this discourse has caused me to bepiss my undergarments.

Washing day is not till Midsummers Eve - how shall I fare if my Lord and Master wanteth not the use of my body from this day till that?

Doth any of the good wives here know of a tincture by which I can cause my good Husbande to befoul his own breeches, so we are evenly matched?

BoffinMum Sun 16-Jan-11 08:58:05

What think ye fyne wymmen of this state of affairs, as verily I haf been of perplexed state of mind? Thanks be to the Lorde that I haf been as fruitful of wombe as my Syre has been fruitful of loine, and I haf borne him IV fyne childer. Yet my maidenne figure haf I no more, for my behynde groweth like as a pustule on the fayce of a gyant. Whence cometh this evil swelling? How beste to decrease the girthe of said problemme?

AnyFuleKno Sun 16-Jan-11 09:23:19

mistress boffinmum, ye may be merry for the travellyng necromancer Paul of the McKenna clan doth claime the abilitie to makest thou thyn. I have heard talke of his wondrous doings round th' water pumpe and the fishwyfes, particularly goodwyfe whomovedmychocolate to say that hys voice doth maketh them feel tingly withyn their byttes

tinksbabyisnearly2 Sun 16-Jan-11 09:37:09

worketh has mum is blesist

RunawayFishWife Sun 16-Jan-11 09:48:11

What witchcraft be this

AnyFuleKno Sun 16-Jan-11 10:03:18

tink thou speaketh in tongues. Thou should knowest better than to be dunking they head in the ale barrel before nones wink

YeButerfleogeEffete Sun 16-Jan-11 10:23:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goldenpeach Sun 16-Jan-11 10:25:13

Alackaday, I feele pustula on chinnes - bubonic or pusse?

Befaddlued in Bedchamber

GentleOtter Sun 16-Jan-11 10:31:46

SlayerofBalloones - syruppe of figges and xenical causeth fouling of the britches.

I feare Sir Paul of McKenna intendes on the whysking off thereof with the maide whomovedmychocolate. I feare he will keepe her in his cow shedde for his own funne, the Eville Sonne of the Devylle.

Let us duck him in the ponde to becalm his ardour then feede him lardycakes to fatten his rumps.

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 10:35:03

Mistress Boffin, alas I be afflicted wyth the same foul problemme. Myne maidenly fygure tis no more - indeede my Lord hath often remarked that his goodwife tis more shaped lyke the sturdy oake barrells that hys favoured meade stops in.

Myne wyse elder womeyn of our village hath advised a magick classe Slymming of Worlde. Doth classe has reaped wondrous benefites upon some systers in our village. Myne sister doth reside in yon neighbouringe village hath told me stories of a rival classe, Weighteth Watchers.

BelfastBloke Sun 16-Jan-11 11:01:14

Has anyone yette post'd Chaucer's Pubbe Gagge, by Bill Bailey?

ahh - how the sun doth shine bringing warmth into my heart and a spring into my step - but enough of this idle talk, tis time I made haste - my dear friend Catherine Kiddleston has some more colourful trinkets she would like to bestow upon me - my pantry is now so full of her crap finery it is near bursting. I fear I may have to beseech the help of local woman Edith Baye, a common type, but my hardy nature doth ignore her stench.

I bid thee all a good day.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sun 16-Jan-11 12:38:21

Dear systers, I am soreley vexed. Having only recently arisen from my pallet comfybed I must relayte these happenyngs. On retyring last evenyng, my lord husbande mentioned a gift. A necklace of pearls no less. Methought he was makyng amends for his poor Yuletide efforts.
Well systers! I must make haste to assure thee that a gift was not uppermost in hys mind!
A most foul venture it was. I am thoroughly ashamed. How shall I pay my husband back for these happenyngs? I feel I must confess to the friar, but am worried I will be branded a harlotte. Prithee what shall I do?

sieglinde Sun 16-Jan-11 12:55:07

Ye wytches be not burned in these lands; be of good cheere. They be hanged merely, and onely if they be guiltye of maleficium. Ye be peasantes.

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 12:59:40

Mistress Saggy, I entreat thee, do not suffer these foule vexations from your Lord. He hath clearely been possessed by Lucifer's evil intente. Yon elder wyse womyn should be able to furnishe thee with bromide for your Lord's repast. If thate be impossible, get thee to thy midden and coat thyself from head to foote. Thy stench should discourage thy Lord fromme his devil-sent intentions.

Laydes, perchance ye have ye minute to join with me in examination of this sondrye recipte that I found in a wagon at the market se'enday past?

Lo, tis inscribed on the back of a missive pertaininge to be from Ye Gasse of Albion, and reads as so:

-three loaves of brede
-ye curde of whey for the infants
-ragges for the privy
-GRUEL
-nice gruel
-Gruel that is for ye grown-uppes on ye Sonnedaye
-Ye cheape gruel for ye servantes and serfs
-water with admixture of ye froot
-Sudocrem

Methinks the ladye of this recepite is stucke-uppe. AIBU?

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 13:21:22

Nay Mistress Reshape, yon missive mayde no mentionne of Nyce Hamme.

EdgarAleNPie Sun 16-Jan-11 13:23:41

nor was the gruel organik.

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 13:29:52

Indeede I ponder thatte the 'water with admixture of ye froot' on yon missive may be the accursed 'frootus shootus' whych all goodwives know to be the work of Beelzebub.

sephrenia Sun 16-Jan-11 13:44:10

I bid ye a goode morn sisters. I too have a tale thatte muste be tolde of happenyngs within my lords chambers last e'en.

My Lord didst take me into hys chambers and there didst recount unto me hys idea of an apprenticeship with the village glassmaker.

I did question my Lord as to what he maye have meant by 'blowe jobbe' whereupon he didst offer to showe me what he wouldst have me do.

'twas most shocking sisters! He didst throw me back upon the sheets of his bedde and there, didst kneel above my head with no undergarments upon his person!

Needless to saye, my Lord's appendage didst finde its waye into thatte playce thatte mayest only be used for the utterances of our goode Lords words.

What mayest I do now? I am sorely vexed by my Lord's action and fear thatte he hath sullied that most innocent of places.

Help I beg of thee!

Greetings fair maidens. 'Tis my firste tyme upon mumsnette so prithee be kinde, LOL.

Yea, I am shock'd and dismay'd bye the filth spew'd forth from the mouthes of the gentlewomen of mumsnette, and the foule advyce proffer'd to hags who have displeas'd their poor husbandes.

Verily this syte is plaine and dulle, with no sparklinge bittes nor bryte coloures.

Hence I bidde you farewell, hunnes xxx (hugges)

<flounceth>

FoundWanting Sun 16-Jan-11 14:03:16

Mistress Saggy. Whilst to mine mynde a goodwife should offere not camplayntes of her own good lord. I feele that thou art sorely vexed by syche hapeninges of the chambere.

I also have bene moste devillishly deceived in these mattyres. Verily I was promysed an showere of golde by mine own husbande....

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 14:06:48

<waveth her kerchief at Mistress Tallwivglasses, as she departeth for NetteMummeth>

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 14:10:08

I do confess Mistress Sephrenia, thatte yon tale hath brought upon me an attacke of the vapours. Tis a foule and vexatious man indeede who visits such evil deedes upon his suffering gentlewyfe. Hast thou a wyse womyn thee can beseech for guidance?

sephrenia Sun 16-Jan-11 14:10:11

Guard thyselves sisters! Mistress tallwivglasses has obviously been taken over by thatte most foule of places, Net of Mums and has been sent by those who wouldst hugge and use sorcerous words to bedazzle ye!

If we be quicke dear sisters, we may yette save our sister from thatte influence and return her to her place within our midst.

Cast out those wenches who doth steal our goode sisters for who knows what nefarious purpose and have thy menfolk guard themselves against theyr freely offered words of lovyng.

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 14:13:37

Indeed, it hath been told to me that NetMummeth hath divine and equisitelie colourede ways of counting thy childers days...

<myne childer is four summers, three moone cycles and two blessed days aged>

sephrenia Sun 16-Jan-11 14:13:55

Mistress Sugar how I wish 'twere possyble to confide in the village wysewoman however, my good frende hath taken off wyth her man of milk and cannot helpe me furthere.

I only have thatte goode woman who gave me lyfe to confyde in butte it hath been vouchsafed to me that she maye be in league with Beelzebub hymself and be a crone to be shunned as I wouldst the devil!

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 14:15:01

<tis three seasons since mine Lord departed upon the Godly crusades>

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 14:16:56

I adviseth that thee sow parsnips to crop then thou canst use a parsnip shaped liketh a Thingy and lock thy Lord in the Byre instead.

sephrenia Sun 16-Jan-11 14:25:04

I thank thee most heartily fore thy advice sister, I will departe from thys place unto the market where I may procure parsnip seeds for sowyng in yonder garden.

My Lord though, he be bygger than myself and 'twould take a great deal of strength 'ere he be locked in yonder Byre. Wouldst thou knowe of any that mayest helpe me to complete this lockyng in?

IvantaOuiOui Sun 16-Jan-11 14:28:18

Dear Ladyes, AIBU to become vexed by mine Neighboure? This slattern has manye children whom are Rude and discourteous. They are less than Ten summers in age, yet are allowed to peruse the Booke Of Fayce. Mine neighboure holdes Manye drunken gatheringes which are Loude from dusk til dawne, and her Manye gentlemen callers are Intoxicated. Should I proclaime her to be a Womanne of Low virtue, or indeede, a Wytch? I fear repercussiones.

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 14:33:14

My deere sustres, I have grete news the whiche I have heretofore been unable to share with thee.

Mine husbande, being of a Godly mind, doth fast from all fleshe upon the Fridayes of the weeke, and many other times beside.

My onely complaint is, he fasteth also from mine fleshe, and I find this moste sexualie frustrating, in maner of ye wanton women who enjoye ye sexual relations.

Shall I quell mine urges on fasting dayes, as my husband biddeth, or shall I seduce him, with fond mumerings, 'yea, even so, husband, thou and I may have a babe, and may anticipate his arrival with a ticker, even as it is at the nette of mums, and if not, we shall have a grete pleasure callyd, by the Wise Woman, an 'orgasme'?'

What say ye, ladies?

<Disclaimer: yep, DH does actually fast from sex on Fridays, and yes, it's bloody annoying! Thank heaven for medieval mumsnet where my problems look almost normal ...>

Goodwives of Mumsnette, I implore thee! Hast thou a Demone Planne? For the dark dayes of the Horned One are upon us, yea, and we must prepare for the coming of the ungodly Demones.

My good lorde and master hath prepared for this daye. To whit, he is to slaughter all the kine save two, hitch the beasts of burthden to ye wagonne, and slinge on to iyte my unworthie selfe and our 19 children. Also, three gross bundles of dried gruel, and ye tinnes of beans. I will holde ye pitchforke.

We will thenne journeye like ye clappers to darkest Cambria, where livest my sister. Tis well known that Demones frequent ye large townes - we will be safe in ye middle of nowhere.

Sadly I can no longer partaketh in advice giving as my dear husband has unearthed my innermost thoughts - I only speaketh of my lovers loins in slumber, but my fate is such that these spoken thoughts fell upon my dearest husbands ears - hence I am now set for Bedlam as my wicked wicked ways must be driven from as surely as the devil beset them upon me. I bid thee farewell -

weep for me - and preyeth that one day gentle women folk will be able to shaggeth more than one man - << grrr >>

Oh dear. I haf splyte mine sydes from the merriment that this here scroll hath provided these two days past.

sephrenia Sun 16-Jan-11 14:56:05

Mistress Ivanta - Thou art most certes notte unreasonable. Thou should denounceth thy neigboure as soon as thou possibly mayest to those who laboure fore the servyces social as 'twould seem she hath become enamoured of all thyngs devilish.

Mistress RedDragon - I have hearde tell of a tincture thatte maye be dystylled into somethyng knowne as a 'pill' named Vy Ag Ra thatte your Lord may taketh to helpe hys ardour. Get ye then to the apothecary and aske hys advyce fore he wille knowe of thys.

Mistress Reshape - be there any roome wyth thou at thys 'middle of nowhere'? I aske onlye because the local doomsayers saye thatte the yeare ending in '12' be of significane [grinneth]

dementedma Sun 16-Jan-11 14:58:50

carminaburana - i weep for thee and second thy prayer.
My own Lord, having spent yesterday uttering not one word of courtesy in mine direction, nor assisting with the hovel, awoke this morn with a burning desire to be availed of his marital rights. sisters, I implore your forgiveness but the Devil possessed my legges and clamped then shut then caused my tongue to utter words imploring my Lord to avail himself of some other slattern, although there may be a groat or two to dispense for the pleasure. He is most displeased and I am sore tempted to packeth mine baggeths and leave forthwith!

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 15:03:56

Mistress sephrenia, butte what maye I doe about my lord's Godliness? I maye notte tempte him to renounce the Godly refusal of the sexe, the mete and the wine on the holy Friday (in mind of our Lordes Passion, a grete suffering like unto mine for ye wicked Libido).

Thus I suffer and beginne to caste eyes and the comely manne who visiteth us for the repairing of pipes and alle manere of manly worke ... it is moste difficult to resist, for I am gretly inflamed by ye porne-tapestries, the whiche have corrupted mine weake womanly minde.

In the same wise, sistres, dost thou not thinke that the foul haire we carry betweene oure thighes, were more pleasing to the eye if shaven aweye? I have a goode scythe with whiche we harvest ye grain - shall I betake it unto mine fair Ladye Garden, there to scythe awaye ye pestilent and plague-carrying hair that groweth thereupon?

sephrenia Sun 16-Jan-11 15:11:08

Mistress RedDradgon, I didst not mean that thou should tempt thy Lord into renouncing his Godly ways upon the Friday, simply that thou maye useth thys 'pill' on other dayes when he hath not the excuse of Godliness by addyng itte to hys mead {grinneth]

Thys then doth not break thy Lords vow and wyll make thy owne lyfe sweeter fore the reste of the weeke. I am sure our Lord God wouldst not objecte to thys as he wouldst notte have bestowed upon us thys desire otherwyse [winketh]

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 15:22:59

Thou art truely wise! I shalle now thanke thee, and later recall thine uncanny knowledge when thou makest a foolish statement in the AIBU pages, where I shall doubtless remember to call thee an unnatural wycche.

Suche is the nature of our womanlie friendshipe here. smile

I goe now to purchase ye ointment of toad, having scythed mine Ladye Garden and founde ye remaining prickly shootes of tendre grass moste vexatious to mine senses. I praye mine husbande be not putte off ye Relations by mine likenesse to ane hedgehog ...

sephrenia Sun 16-Jan-11 15:30:48

Oh, sister, I mean no offence to thee and doth notte pretend in anywyse to have knowledge. I speake out only because thys Vy Ag Ra was being whispered about around ye village well and happened to heare what my village sisters were talkyng about.

I do freely admit however to being scared stupid afeared of AIBU as the women there be far greater than I in all matters and wouldst not lyke to annoye them.

Perhaps one day I shall o'ercome thys feare and join thee in a conversation or three [smileth shyly]

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sun 16-Jan-11 16:16:45

Good wyves, I have a new dilemma. My tyme of birthing draws neyre, and I have no planes for bringynge forth the babe.
My lord husband suggests that I issue forth and enter the apothecaries wards, where herbs and other tools will be used to bring forth the chylde. My fair mother, sayes I must throw myself onthe mercyes of the sisters of the holy order of ye midwyves. She tells me that they doest less interferyng, but that yf the babe is stubborn, I maye have to go to the apothecary after all.
I have heard of somethyng called a water byrth, and feels thys may benefyt myself as I wyll get my yearly washyng. That whych I would Lyke to know, is would the midden pool be suitable, or shude I go for ye Birthynge Poole in a sacke and hope that I may draw ye water in time before the chylde appears?

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 16:33:20

Nay, I believe thou shouldst remain within thy dwelling, calling forthe bravely for to affront the devil, and seeking the help onely of thine husband, who will be much cheere by the sight of thy baby.

Thou knowest, it is the onely waye for ye menfolke to bond with babes new come.

Or, thou mayest take a good knife and whetstone, and prepare the waye thyself, commending thy soule unto God, as is proper.

Childbirthing, as we are told, is most natural.

jugglingjo Sun 16-Jan-11 16:38:28

SaggyOldCatt - My deare daughtere dids't enter this earthly worlde through the waters of liffe, as a myrtle birde doth sing upone the branche, and undre ye lighte of a full ripe moone.

Accompanied also by ye gentel minstrels from far eastern lande, ye brothers Guo, upon ye bamboo flute and other strangye instruments of greate mysterie.

Suche a birthe I do heartily recommende when thy time shalle cometh, and wishe thee glad tidings of the greatest joye, for thee and thye babe, and all thye kith and kin !

Notwithstandinge the greate comforte thy mightest finde from the goodly and timely encouragement of ye midwyves and gentelfolke !

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 16:44:02

Mistress saggy, I muste forwarne thee that I beleeve Mistress juggeling to be a foule wicche, and unnatural ...

wink

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 17:29:00

Systers I confess to being sorely vexed by this contraption. I hath created a screede and treatise concerning Mistress Saggy's birthing concernes, and the infernal instrument hath wiped it cleane

<crosseth>

plupervert Sun 16-Jan-11 17:30:01

Ye Corner of Pedants:

I beseeche ye, goodwyfs, do you seeke to make your Wrytyngs consistent, for mine eyes bleede from this profligacy of Scripts and infelicitous use of Partes of Speeche ('tis "thou dost, he doth").

verysomething Sun 16-Jan-11 17:31:19

Gentles all, thy wit hath afforded me muche pantes-wetting in days passed.

Prithee, Doth I Be Unreasonable?

Mine DLAM (Darling Lord and Master) sayeth we should cast our DD out into the snow to perish for her disobedience. But mine tender womyn's heart bids me saye No, that she shoulde be soundely whipped and beaten insteade.

I know I am soft, to be lettynge her off so lightly blush. But she hath only 8 summers, and I feel that with frequent beating she will learneth.

What thinkest thou all? Flameth me not for beinge too softe blushblushblush

Goodwives all, my sisters young suitor, a most promising young squire in service to our carousing lord of the manner hath been partaking of many a rollicking eve at the local tavern when accompanying his lord. Am I being mistrusful of his honorouble intentions towards his bride to be when I hear tales of wenching and lechery? Should sally forth and speaketh my mind to the young squire or retire to my dower room to brood upon my needlework and keep my own counsel?

EdgarAleNPie Sun 16-Jan-11 17:32:17

yff ye decide upon ye waters of kyffe, set your husbande a-busy to stille hys mind wyth the labour of drawing the water, and making a good fire to heat it, that he will not bea hindrance to ye, wyth his protestation that 'his dynner is not made' nor 'hys play sworde is broken, and he must forge a new one afresh'

Ye may not need the water, yet a busy husbande is better than one idling as surely, the devil will make use of his handes if you do not!

I'faith LadyEdgar, no true man should attendeth that which is muchely woman's work! Why is he not engageth upon a Crusade like a True Christian Goodman?

GoodLadye SOmething, thine DD should well attend a gentle birch whipping...thus casting our the demons that forceth her to such unnmaidenly behaviour

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 17:36:32

Mistress Defarge, I urge thee to keep thy counsel. Tis well known that we womyn are weak and feeble of minde and thatte the men are our superiors and masters. Mayhaps you coulde embroider a prettye piece for the bride; 'Thy intended is a wenching twatte'? Should she see sense of her owne accord, tis surely the Lord's holy intervention

<nodeth sagely>

EdgarAleNPie Sun 16-Jan-11 17:38:36

surely, saggy must ask thys of her husbande, for mine is the Lord of the manor, and hath sent his firstborn son and heir to the crusades, though cannot go on such a pilgrimage himself, as he suffers most vexingly from a miasma of his agues.

I thynke he is tayking the pysse mineself, yet as a good wyfe my tongue is stylle, and my arms do not refuse hym comforte.

plupervert Sun 16-Jan-11 17:39:09

This post upon the Walle hast been Cast Downe by Mumsnette.

plupervert Sun 16-Jan-11 17:40:36

hath, not hast

Alack!

I have heard tell of these Mumsnette HQ wenches...much trickery and whispering in the ears of Powerful Men at Court is , I heareth, one sport they muchly enjoy

catinthehat2 Sun 16-Jan-11 17:43:22

What shalle I do for dinner this darke eve?

I have but a turnip, an olde catte (there be but lyttle meat uppon his smale carcase), a handfulle of dandruffe from my dear husbonde, and some fresh shytte from the chickens.

Any ideas? Or shall I stande outside the Chippe Shoppe until someone discovers the potato?

Indeed, but recently, they did cause such a furore over the Mumming of the travelling players, and cast down great fury when shown the evil tales they do recount in play, and reprised, each Sabbath, may the lord forgive them

mayhap a sprinkling of herbs might leaven such a dish and render it palatable?

plupervert Sun 16-Jan-11 17:50:02

CatteInYeHatte, canst thou not boil Bones? What manner of slatterne and voluptuous Liver art thou, that thou mither'st about Meate upon Bones? The Waste of the Byrdes is for thine Fyre, thou clotpoll!

Place ye Catte in yon Turnipe, and Bury in a Greate Fyre 'til ye Moone doth Show her Face. Then you and your husbonde may eat with a seasoning from his Pate and Lockes.

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 17:51:48

Plupervert - grin at 'This post hath been Cast Downe by Mumsnette'.

Yet, if we bee pedants, must not we abandon this accursed 'ye' and embrace the correct 'the', as, forsooth, 'tis more correct in medieval times?

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 17:54:50

Madam very, I reporteth thee until the Social Witchhunters of our neighbourhood, for shame! Thy soft handling spoileth the child and thou shouldst be whipped for the mistreatment of the poor girl.

Be not afeared, Mumsnetteres - I shall comfort the yonge childe with good whippings and scolding, that she grow happy and well.

dementedma Sun 16-Jan-11 17:56:29

mistress catinthehat - fresh shytte is wholesome and will give sustenance to your DLAM(dear lord and master) and chyldrene.
My own DLAM has vexed me greatly by dispensing our last groats on mead to accompany his viewing of the game of the pygges bladder. he is now deep in slumber while watching said game through closed eyes. Truly he is most prodigiously talented and i am honoured to be his wyffe!
My chyldren shall have straw from the bedding to suck as'tis of far greater import that his thirst be quenched.
I fear that should he require to avail hymself of marital duties this night he shall be sore disappointed!

Pray, dear LadyDragon, summon not the Counsil of Witchery. I fear muchly their vellum books and quills aready to inscribe such tales to tell as they discover in my garderobe and privy. My slatternly ways would be shaming for my goodman and I should surely be Cast Out

catinthehat2 Sun 16-Jan-11 17:59:41

Saddly there is no 'thorn' symbol on my tryppewritter, I am stucke with 'ye' my smale firebreathynge frende.

Lovynge the receipt Mistresse Plupervert.

plupervert Sun 16-Jan-11 17:59:50

Yet I am wedded to my Old Wayes and Spellinges, Lady of the Dragon!

What Woudst Thou Do?

(concerning Thy problem, I counselle thee also not to partake of victuals when thy husband fasteth, lest thou feed thy other Appetites). Let then the next Day and the Sabbath be merrie Feastes of all the Hungers!)

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 18:03:13

[MmeDefarge, btw - I just discovered that the Germans still call a cloakroom a garderobe. Verrry strange conversation that was!]

Mistress Plu - doubtless thou knowest best, even if thine advice is of great age. I must betake me unto the Victuals thread and humbly crave advice.

plupervert Sun 16-Jan-11 18:05:28

Wouldst

'Tis most vexing, to be inexact, having set myself So High amongst the Pedantry!

<Maistresse Pluververtie considereth her Vanitie, and doth blush blush and cry her Neighboures Pardonne.>

MistressSugar, your sage advise shall very direct my actions..'tis well known a finely crafted embroderie shall divulge much truth, if presented with honour and humble affection

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 18:09:12

I confesse wonderyng if Mistress Plupervert hath had fruitful discourse with MNHQ concerninge her Pedantrie as the tytle of our moste esteemed screed, in 'Dyscussions of thy Day' hath been changed from 'posteth thee' to 'posteth thou'

QODneystones Sun 16-Jan-11 18:11:42

I am mych dismayed that I hath not anythingth funy to addeth.

LMarthO thoughth

Miggsie Sun 16-Jan-11 18:14:49

Fie ye varlets, 'tis well known that if a maane fallen adoune the midden he must supply a pint of urine for ye physician to thus determine the state of his armes. Then get thee a horoscope to see if the starres foretell whereso he shalt live.

On ye outher honde, if thee be burneth at the stake, perhaps shalt thou not carest?

be sure to take note of the finne balancey of yon goodman's humours. "Tis said a he is high in Cholor.

I Wondere'd if thou wenches of ye WetNurseNette of This Newe Tinterweb of Wondrou's tymes coulde considere assistething one of your fellow sisteres..

I haveth great fear of that monstrous and wicke'd scroll which denounc'd we hagges WetNurseNette memberes..

I feeleth it be named "The Dailye Mail"

Tell me, sisteres, how shalle I dispose of this scrolle?

I am, your servant,

Madame Countess of Knackerst'ein

NacMacFeegle Sun 16-Jan-11 18:21:11

Mistress Plupervert, I confess, as a Peasant my learning is poor. Willst thou not proclaime the correcte conjugations of "dost," and also describe unto us the most nice and accurate way of address?

Think'st thou not that the perfection of grammar is the highest art to which one should aspire? Would that there were only somesuch standardisation of our spelling, but Alas! A Dictionary is still several hundred years hence.

'Tis shameful in mine minde that so many of our goodfolke do hearken so to the maunderings of men muche devoted to the polishing of the Mail Jerkins

plupervert Sun 16-Jan-11 18:29:56

LadyMouse, I have betaken myself to the Greate Page in the Square, and look'd upon the work of Scrybes there. Verily, the wording is alter'd, which didst gladden my Hearte.

Yet my Vanitie hath been cast down, for a Greate and Fearefull Doute hath assailed me: Is this Idle Banter of ours the Reale Lyfe, or the Lyfe of the Spirit? If it be the latter, why doth it smell of Lyfe and our Lustes? Surely our Spirites be not so Lusty and Cackling, with Woes of DLAM and childer, like unto Lyfe? Should the Lyfe of the Spirite not be a holy one?

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 19:07:56

Tis shame that thon Dailye Maile tis so enticing, with stories of Mistress Katie Price and tittle tattle regardinge her sacred marital vows. Tis sinful I know, to be addicted interestede God help me.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sun 16-Jan-11 19:13:28

Good Dame Plu, methinks that thou givest too much concern to ye spellyngs and grammar of ye age. I have it from learned scholars that these matters were not gyven much account in latter days, to the ends that ye same words be spelled differently in ye same sentence! Mayhap thou takest these matters too seryousley? [smileth]

BalloonSlayer Sun 16-Jan-11 19:34:00

Yet Mistress Price doth surely work for the poor in the parish, suckling their starving babes - howsoever else should she have grown such momentous and fruitful dugs?

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 19:46:18

Mistress BalloonSlayer, mayhaps it be idle gossipe but tis a rumour that Mistress Price's bosom tis a freake of nature and thatte she makes use of her freakery by posing in herre unmentionables whilste artists of low-repute draw her forme for the delectation of men who go a-wenching.

UrsulaUndress Sun 16-Jan-11 19:53:42

Yet a Maid, I skimme moste faste these Postes of wenching and the like.

I querie thus: by Midsummer will we be wed, my Love and I. While my Smock and Peticotes be stitch'd, and the Meats and Honey-wine be listed for the Feaste, is it decreed that the Children of the Village be in attendance when we knit our Love's handfasting knot?

The Younge are deare to me, yet I cannot play at Maypoles while in my brydalle gowne, nor seems it juste that they be symplie cast before a Magicke Screen of moving shaypes.

BalloonSlayer Sun 16-Jan-11 19:54:23

Nay, Nay and Thrice Nay!

< runness to Churche >

< dons hair shite >

< flagellates selfe >

She doth have an affinity with equestrian beasts however, she must be at one with God's creations.

minimammoth Sun 16-Jan-11 20:02:29

Goodwife Saggy. Mayhaps engaging with ye wise woman of ye straining bars in readiness for thy 'time', that prepared may ye be.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sun 16-Jan-11 20:12:16

What be these straining bars thou speakest of?

NonnoMum Sun 16-Jan-11 20:18:20

Good Wymen of't Global Village. Prithee helpest me.

Some famylies are known to have 70 groats, and no tithes to help em owt, yet other families may only have 20 groats and a dwelling place from't Council of Elders.

They all throwest buns at each other. 'Tis making me titter.

elephantjelly Sun 16-Jan-11 20:29:38

This is a pile of pantaloons, there is no way there was this level of english in the medieval england. It was called the dark ages for a reason you know. Chuck in a bit of french and saxon and you might have something but this is stupid. Have you not read original Chaucer? This is Elizabethan at best.

TansyeTrolloppe Sun 16-Jan-11 20:30:30

Godewyves of Mumsnette, I crave pardonne for I know not whether this postynge shudde be for ye boke of employemente yssues or thatte of covens and ye unnatural regimentes of womene.

Prayye hearkene to ye plyghte of a simple kychene wenche formerlye employed at ye Fortresse of Notynghame.

A s’en-nyte paste was I summonede from my lawfole dutyes with ye pasternakes to assiste in ye ablutiones of ye not so noble lorde Gysborne.

When I did scrubbe his backe, he did most sorelye berate me that I layeth not on fole lustilye. Suche was my confusione that I let falle ye soappe into ye tubbe, upon whyche he waxed mortale wrathe and stoodeth up in alle hys synfule nakednesse, causinge me to flee ye chambre in grate distresse.

My lorde thenne vouchsayfeth hys felle complaynte unto ye managemente, who hath synce bade me to get me gonne from thence..

Pleas to Robyne o’ ye Hodde to come and sortte them outte are of no avayle

Canne I now hie me to a atorneye atte lawe and sue for ye wrongfule dysmyssale?
Or wode it garnere me more of sylver to speake of ye harassemente of ye carnal kynde?

Ah, goodwife elephant (surely an anachronism) get thee back to the tower of rigorous historical intellectual similitude....

we shall merrily, yeah, skip centuries and play wilybeguiled with language as it pleaseth our poor intellects...

NonnoMum Sun 16-Jan-11 20:40:44

Sacre Bleu, elephant ( a creature of whych we havest nottest heardest of yet).

Tis so much more mirthful that our Medieval Englysh is so shite-est.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sun 16-Jan-11 21:01:50

Goodwife Elephant.
A pox on thy comments! Thys thread ys lyght harted and pureley for our entertaynement! Dost thou not know that learning and knowledge are the domain of menne, get thee back to thy housewyfery and trouble thee not with suche thyngs! [hmmeth]

GiselaOfBebbenborg Sun 16-Jan-11 21:24:23

Tansy, I know not of this Robyne o’ ye Hodde of whom thou dost speaketh. I do have a hunky Saxon by the name of Uthred who would be more than happy to pay your Lorde Gysborne a visit and teach him what's what when it comes to Ye olde wenching.grin

dementedma Sun 16-Jan-11 21:26:22

goodwife elephant, thou lackest a senseth of humoureth. go screweth thyself.verily!

plupervert Sun 16-Jan-11 21:33:36

Yea, shall we wax mediaeval upon the buttockks of our Scape-Goate?

<having accepted mine chastisement for my Grievous Vanitie and Pedantrie.>

NotWoozy Sun 16-Jan-11 21:36:40

Begone, Mother Elephant. Thy wagon awaits.

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 21:38:10

Hie the cheeky wench to the stocks!

<readies ye olde rotten cabbage for throwinge>

TansyeTrolloppe Sun 16-Jan-11 21:40:38

Godwyfe Bebbenborg, thy kyndnesse comforteth me grately. Prayye warne thy goode lorde Uthred that my lorde of Gysborne is a felle knyght indeede and steeped in alle synfole matieres suche as thysse olde wenchynge of whyche ye spake.

He is alsoe possessedde of a exceeinglye large broadsworde. I truste thy deare lorde Uthred is similarlye blessede, if notte more fulsomely, or I feare it wyl go ille for hym.

sephrenia Sun 16-Jan-11 21:51:57

Mistress Elephant, surely thou knowest that the goode women of thys village do naught butte trye to amuse themselves?

I wouldst suggest that thou get thyself to the apothecary most quick and avail thyself of the 'transplantyng of humoure' remedie thatte I am tolde is famed for its effiacy.

'tis just a thought.

<returns to her hovel where her oldest chylde doth weep over lack of bathing rags>

GiselaOfBebbenborg Sun 16-Jan-11 21:59:50

Tansye, I can assure Ye, my Lorde Uthred is equally welle equipped in the broadsworde department, and knows exactly how to use it wink!

ElephantsAndMiasmas Sun 16-Jan-11 22:01:52

Matteres of ye Leman

My erstwhile scrolle hath givenne detayles of the shamefulle idlenesse of mine husbande. This day aftere offerynge prayeres to Godde at Holy Masse I thoght to repaire to ye Preyste of ye village, seykinge wordes or wyse counseille. Yette I was most o'ercome to finde onlie ye young priestlinge, a comely youthe of some ane-and-twentie summeres, in ye churche of ye Magdalene. He hath tolde me manie holye wordes, and advysed me to disrobe myself thatte he might anointe me with holye wattere to drive the daemons of malcontente fromme my wickede forme. He hath thenne touched me manie and divers waies and hath offerede to show me the servyce of "rugge-munchinge". Avisinge notte hwat thisse miyte bee, I gather-ed mine vestements and scarper-ed from ye sacristy. Surelie this be some Saracenne sinfulnesse, for tis sure thatte I have nevere herde of ye rugges in the hovels of ye Godly Folke.

In hwat wyse miyte I prepare mine selfe for Holie Masse nexte Sabbathtide?

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 22:02:09

Dame elephant, thu thinkist nou3t ri3tly! This Englische has moche goode I trow, and is nau3t Elizybethan - for Ich can nou3t ymagine a wommyn as quene!

Perhaps thu redyst nou3t the Englyysh of the Northren Englonde? Yt ys moche the bettir and more nobil than the southren tunge, the whicche these folys speke.

Methinkys thou art a so-callid 'stuck-up southerner', peradventure?

grin wink

ElephantsAndMiasmas Sun 16-Jan-11 22:03:43

<rolleth in unseemlich wyse uponne ye rushes at Goodye Dragonne>

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 22:06:22

Y haue mayde the crossyd-poste:

Y spoke vnto mystresse elephantsjelly, not mystresse elephantsandmisasmas.

Mystresse miasmas, thys 'rugge-munchinge' of whyche thou spekist soundeth most queynte - shall I speke vnto myne husband, to see if hys manly wisdome can caste some light onto places that are darke in our womanlie understondying?

Sadly to seye, I trow he will speke little of ye aforesaid past-time; I thinke it be littel to hys likynge! sad

ElephantsAndMiasmas Sun 16-Jan-11 22:11:18

Be not afrayde, Goody Dragonne, Y avised thy poste.

Minde ye, thou hast hadde mentioune of ye "southren tonge", hwich semed moste fittinge to mine poste.

Y am most sadde to heere that thine goodman liketh not to taste of ye carpette of womankinde, Y am mynded to retourne agayne nexte Sabbathtide to catche ye younge priestlinge again amongste ye cassockes, and discouvert furthere, Be I Far Fromme My Wittes?

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 22:17:54

<rolleth vpon the mudde floore at the wordynge 'ye carpette of womankinde'>

Y thinke ye preestes sounde muche goode for wommyn!

(Foryeve; hit ys moche werke to write as thu dost; Ich be bot a sely wommyn of the Middil-Ages, and straunge to this newe speche!)

Where canne I fynde myne self a wyllyng and comely preeste, hastily?!

EdgarAleNPie Sun 16-Jan-11 22:19:16

elephntjelly if thou had wit thou wouldst know the 'dark ages' f which you speak, did comence around the tiem of the leaving of the Rman tyrants from our shores, and is also known to the bookish scholar as the 'early medieval period'. I'faith there is also a late medieval period, which is not called the 'dark ages'.

The daemon known as 'wikipedia' did tell me thysse.

now take thou thine eyen from this screed, and take thee hence, to thine dwellinge 'neath yonder bridge.

SugarMousePink Sun 16-Jan-11 22:23:22

Dame Elephants, verily thee muste be sure to returne hastily to share thy discoveries with thy fellow systers. I confess I am most curious as to 'ye carpette of womynkynd'. If thou couldst share and fellowshippe thy new-founde knowledge...tis a discourse I looke forward too [winketh]

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 22:24:12

<maketh cross-fingred signs against thys demon 'wikipedia'>

Yea verily, Mystresse wyth the strange name akin to that of a wryter vnknowne, I fynde this demon moste fearful.

(Y muste poste ye screed 'AIBU to wail and lamente myne studentes, who be moche moore the folysche than thee, good dames, and paye ye grete summe of 4 groats vnto the lord for ye privilege!')

elephantjelly Sun 16-Jan-11 22:26:29

Hats off to your efforts and sorry for being a sourpuss. I had to learn medieval to elizabethan english and bounded in all ready to join in but I have no idea what you are going on about.

Do remember the northerners have the edge - york was a thriving city and Sir gawain and the green knight is a far superior piece of work to canterbury tales.

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 22:27:10

Dame Sugar ... Y muste moste sadly seye ... I knowe of thys brave 'carpette of wonmmyn-kynde. Yete Y listened vnto the wycches who thronge oure merry meetying-place. They dide conjure me to hewe it aweye with myne owne most sharp scythe and moste vncomfortable poultice of the dunge callyd 'veet' ...

... and so hyt ys I am thus deformyd, being without that nobyl 'carpette' of whych the mystresse speketh. sad

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 22:30:05

elephantjelly - hi! smile

It sounds like parody-puritans to me - same for you? I think we're in the Dark Ages as described by Blackadder, Monty Python and co (and so much the better!).

Now:

Haue 3e nou3t a mannys-schape, of the whyche thou canst compleyn? Hit ys moste divertynge, Y vow!

(Bad mix of Chaucer and Gawain ... sorry ...!)

sephrenia Sun 16-Jan-11 22:41:36

Goody RedDragon, methinks thou hast the ryte of itte when thou dost make mention of the Python of Monty.

I must nowe step awaye from thys excellent scroll fore ane momente inne order to peruse the adventures of Brave Sir Robin whom I am tolde doth rate equally with Sir Gawain [grinneth]

Mistress Elephantjelly, I thank thee for returning wyth thy most excellent apology. Wouldst thou care to join in our idle banter further? Perhaps thou dost have an errant husbande who needs our joynt disdaine? {sniggereth]

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 22:43:57

Y wille moste happilye 'joynt disdaine' any husbande who beeth errant!

<blusheth>

<retireth, being moste uncouthe>

plupervert Sun 16-Jan-11 22:50:19

And Lo! Dame Oliphant hath been releas'd from the Stockes and doth mingle among us. Let us link arms and wassail, for a Learned Dame is a Goode Neighboure!

<Mistresse P wassaileth with goode cheere.>

P.S. With regard to the "ton": is cod King James Bible close enough for vague acceptability?

JaneS Sun 16-Jan-11 22:54:21

Mistresse plu, this 'Kyng James' of whicche ye speke, ys almoost ane hundred yeeres later than the ende of ye 'medieval' tyme ... as Y see yn mine propechy glasse

<LRD maketh sounde lyke vnto an cough, in hope none discovereth her mention of wyychely thinges>

NonnoMum Sun 16-Jan-11 23:00:37

Methinks the two fearsome four-kneed grey creatures wondering amongst our small and humble village ist a strange and most happy coincidence?

Wonce agen, we humble wymen do heartily larf our asses off.

Shitemum Sun 16-Jan-11 23:06:12

Ye be Fraeyks

plupervert Sun 16-Jan-11 23:07:22

<LRD - Y wot well that this is so, yet... I was a choirgirl, not a mediaevalist - Forsooth!>

LadyThumb Sun 16-Jan-11 23:19:32

Myne stomacher splitteth assunder wyth such merryment and gadzooking!!

Shitemum Sun 16-Jan-11 23:19:53

http://bestiary.ca/beastimage/img365.jpg

Shitemum Sun 16-Jan-11 23:20:58

Oh shyte, tis ages synce I postyed a lynk
bestiary.ca/beastimage/img365.jpg

Shitemum Sun 16-Jan-11 23:49:28

Am I to be branded a thrydkyller?

YeButerfleogeEffete Mon 17-Jan-11 00:01:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 17-Jan-11 00:16:10

I heerde that thatte Sir Gawain iss no bettere than he shoulde bee. Doe nat beleeve his tales of resistyng ye temptatiounes of ye carpettes of sondry memberes of womankinde. His name is echoed fromme place to place as a notorious Manne-Whore. It's naething but Swive, Swive, Swive, with himme.

I heere. <whistles in innocente-wyse>

Speking of Noble Knytes, hast ye heerde of the novelle diversiouns provided by Sir Allain de Sucre? He calleth for hardye youngefolke to come to his Motte and trye their lucke at divers taskes befitting ye gentyle Knytes. If Godde causes ye Younge Squires to falleth down in theyre taskes, Sir Allain has them set Aflame and thrown from ye battlements. The villeins looke onne in much amusemente hwile Sir Allain lettes forth his quotidienne warcrie.

TheShriekingHarpy Mon 17-Jan-11 08:09:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 17-Jan-11 09:39:45

Odds bodkins Mistresse Harpie, thou art surely a norty ladye to be punyshed in thisse wyse. Hast thou considerede shackynge uppe with ye locale Smithe, who hath ye meanes to rid ye of yon troublesomme artycle, and ywis hath greete shoulderes most befittinge a manne?

Covens & ye Unnatural Regimentes of Womene

Mine liege Lorde hath yeven we serfes an portione of smalle beere, forre to celebrayte thisse yeere of oure Holy Lorde 1411. Yette Y finde thatte Y hath receyved onlie nyne-tenths of hwat my idle husbounde hath gotte, though I laboure all ye houres Godde sendes. Ye wise menne telle me he receyveth more beere as ye "allouance of ye cocke", is this fayre?

jugglingjo Mon 17-Jan-11 09:53:41

Mistress Elephantine, Dost thou fret to receeve nyne-tenths of smalle beere as thye goode lorde ?

Myne krystle balle doth speake unto me that in many centuryes hence womyn wilt rejoyce heartily to receeve a halve such rewarde for their faire travaille !

TheShriekingHarpy Mon 17-Jan-11 10:00:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IFaithTheVasteManticore Mon 17-Jan-11 11:22:04

Godwiven of Mumesnette

A sennight hence a Lorde and his fair Lady some miles hence did graciouselie bid us dine with themme. We did hie us hence with fair Wines of Fraunce, with Jewelles and Giftes as fitting such a Knighte and his Dame.

Yet when we arrived were, we founde that no frytour blounce there was, nor Buknade, nor Conys in Hogepoche, but Cheese of Macaraunie like unto that eaten in Nurserie by Childer.

Then upon our sitting to this Feaste, the Mistresse of that fair Castle did fall into such Merriemente as she had been sette uponne by Impes.

Uponne our leavetakning, that Knighte that had so kindlie bade us to dine did Goose me upon the Hinder Partes, that I did squeal like unto the hogges.

Stray my Wittes, for to think that this Knight and his Dame are chaungelinges, with the woodnesse of May seasone and the impes of the forest?

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Mon 17-Jan-11 12:10:08

IFaith, verily the Knight and his Dame were doing as ye Normans do.
And thus I invoke Godwynne's Lawe.

IFaithTheVasteManticore Mon 17-Jan-11 12:19:47

Thinkest though that upon ye sesoune of theyre riden to our humble mesuage thar for to festen, I should don as my Lord Husbaunde saith and them offer the Beares of Pomme?

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 17-Jan-11 12:48:31

Yea Mistresse Manticore ( Y cleaveth to thy chaunge of nomme, for it is goodely) yeve them for provendere the renouned Bears of Pomme, that theye maie see theyr errours, and repent.

To Goose a Goodwyfe on heir Hinder Partes is no mattere for laughynge. [ye shock]

Johanna ye Jugglere - say ye nat so! Fore Y werke fromme ye trumpinge of ye sparrowe til ye parping of ye ghastlie night-owle, and farre bettere thanne my godless spouse. Canne wommene nevere be free from thisse slaverie?

Suncottage Mon 17-Jan-11 13:16:53

A Recipe for Gruel

Bit long winded though....

You will need the following ingredients: oats; water.

The following equipment is essential: a big pot; a big spoon; the Holy Bible.

On a blustery winter's day, with a chill in the very marrow of your poor, poor bones, take the big pot & carry it, trudging through snow, to the rusty spigot on the other side of the village. Weeping, use what little strength you have to turn the spigot until a woeful driblet of brackish water appears. Make sure you place the big iron pot under the drip, so that water collects in it. With luck, & prayer, you should find that the pot is about three quarters full before twilight, when of course the village curfew comes into effect. The evil Grand Vizier proclaimed so in his ukase, to make sure that all pious people are behind their latched & bolted doors by nightfall. Place the big pot on your oven & set it on full. Remember that it can take electric cookers longer to heat up than gas ones, but do not despair. Once your oven's maximum heat is reached, the water will bubble away like nobody's business. To prevent steam escaping, it is a splendid idea to cover the pot. If, long ago, when you were feckless, you lost or mislaid the lid of your pot, or if indeed your pot never had a lid, for not all pots do, you can of course improvise a lid using all sorts of debris strewn higgledy-piggledy about your hovel. Just be sure you use flame-resistant debris, please. Now then, while you are waiting for the water to come to the boil, you can go & find the oats while I take a well-earned nap. Let's have a little musical interlude. …..

I am now fully rested and in tiptop condition. Let us press on without further ado, for by now your pot of water should be boiling. Please pay attention, as the next step, if fumbled, will put paid to your dearest wish, which is to make a successful pot of gruel. With your right hand, scoop some oats from the pail. Grasp the lid of the pot, if there is one, in your left hand, & lift it free of the pot. Cast the handful of oats into the seething cauldron & replace the lid. You may repeat this step once or twice, but on no account overdo the oats, as this will spoil your gruel making it too thick, & as the only remedy for this would be to add more water, you would have to return to the spigot, breaking the village curfew, and so risk being clubbed within an inch of your life by merciless curfew-cadets, & your gruel, imperfect though it may be, would then go to waste. Sin upon sin.

You are now free to allow the contents of the pot to boil merrily away, although of course from time to time you ought to brandish the big spoon in your fist & give the gruel-to-be a mighty stir. In the intervals between stirrings, you must on no account remain idle. This is the perfect time to read improving passages from the Bible. Indeed, why not throw open your door, stand upright & magnificent in your weed-choked yard, & declaim the scriptures in a booming voice for the benefit of whoe'er may be within earshot in the vast & pitiless night? Two little reminders, though. However resounding your declamation, do not allow into your tone even the most minuscule taint of vanity. Remember that you are merely a vessel, & a singularly unlovely vessel at that - a tarnished urn, say, or a grubby beaker. Second, do not forget the pot, for if it is neglected you are likely to make not gruel, but an inferno. Oh, I said two reminders, but there is a third. Use your cuff to rub a modicum of grime from your hovel window. Do you see a bleak & illimitable vista of ice & snow? Are you marooned in an Arctic wasteland? If so, you may succumb to the delusions of piblokto, in which case you should refrain from following the directions of this recipe until you are relieved of your symptoms & are restored to your usual vigour. I need hardly point out the dangers of cooking when you are bonkers, although I have written an excellent little book entitled "Safe & Simple Snacks For The Bedizened & The Fraught" which is charmingly illustrated. The original pencil sketch of a cream cracker has been framed & displayed on the wall of my splendid restaurant in Haemoglobin Towers. Where were we? Ah yes. Once the gruel is fully boiled, replace the Bible on your lectern, or somewhere at any rate where it will be safe from defilement, if such a cranny exists in your hovel. Hold the spoon in your right hand, removing the pot-lid with your left. Give that gruel one last stir. Remove from heat. Allow to stand for ten minutes. Using a monstrous ladle, transfer into pre-heated tin bowls, & serve. Best eaten with a spoon. Suitable for home freezing.

jugglingjo Mon 17-Jan-11 13:41:55

Thia very morn I dids't mak afor my goodsel' a loverley drop o' gruel. Warmed the cockles of me 'eart on this cold day of first month. ( Methinks I talk more like unto Eliza in the storie "my faire ladye" with scorcery of moving picktuwers.

( I'm at home with my slightly sickly DS today and when he just asked what I was doing and I told him, explaining "we're all being medieval mums on Mumsnet today" he said "You Mums - weirdos " He then asked if I know any of you. When I said, "No, not really" he said "Never talk to strangers!" LOL )

Spacehoppa Mon 17-Jan-11 13:49:19

Woe is me, for I have not chauncd pon the goodly grocer of tes'co an so my gruel be all of water for I have no oats withal. I be a humble peasant though so I will take great cheer in my fyne bowl of water.

Thanking you, Mistress Suncottage for the moste excellent recipe for Gruel.
But alas, my goodly Husband suffers most wickedly from Bloating and Tenderness of the Stomache after partaking of Oats. The resulting Stenche from the Privy is not to be chanced upon by the faint of heart.
Do you perchance haf a recipe for Gruel which is made with some other Stuff?

Portofino Mon 17-Jan-11 14:05:24

I have heardest from yonder village that the varlet Liz Jones hath been found a wytche and will be burned at the stayke on the morrow. I must bizy myself with the mayking of ye old poppcorne.

Portofino Mon 17-Jan-11 14:10:12

Recipe of ye day:

Pudding of porpoise. Take the Blood of him, & the grease of him self, & Oatmeal, & Salt, & Pepper, & Ginger, & mix these together well, & then put this in the Gut of the porpoise, & then let it boil easily, & not hard, a good while; & then take him up, & broil him a little, & then serve forth.

Suncottage Mon 17-Jan-11 14:15:00

Goody HopefortheBest

If oats are the causeth of swelling and irritable and noxious vapours then he must purge with brackish water and lark tongues 'til the passageway runneth clear.

Portofino Mon 17-Jan-11 14:49:32

Recipes: Hath anyone ever presented a fine Helmeted Cock to theyre good friends and naybors? My Lord and Master is most keyne to mayke a good impression, butte I worrye that maybe he has ideas above hysse station?

BoffinMum Mon 17-Jan-11 15:13:05

Elephantjelly, þ ð æ were verily used early in this thredde in yon Beowulf momente, but the user was accused of intellectual snobberie.

oldenoughtowearpurple Mon 17-Jan-11 19:06:27

My Lord and master did me honour with a fine Helmeted Cock on ye occasion of the splicing of our troth: verily it was a merry mingling with much gladding and jesting and manye a gleeyfulle rufty tufty. But woe, the yeares did pass full sore and heavy and My Lord’s standing, betimes the pride of the demesne, hath sadly waxed; oft ye fine cock is no more & mine trencher must be satissfyed with a rabbit.

Portofino Mon 17-Jan-11 19:47:55

Did he have much success if getting to stand erect? My lord did much bemoan that ye cocketaile stycks hath not yet been invented as he hath a great difficultie getting hysse to stand erect upon ye pigling.

Portofino Mon 17-Jan-11 19:50:04

He hath struggled to get it astryde wythout it falling owt and going lympe.

oldenoughtowearpurple Mon 17-Jan-11 20:07:20

Odsblood Portofino! Truly the very thing! Goodman Tumunus, ye apothekary who physics my lord hath concocted an elyxir to daub on the offendyng part and my maidservant hath praised the power of this precious ungent in restoring vigour to ye offending cock. Father Tumunus hath named this elixir 'Vyagara' and a very flood of grayteful goodwyves is at hys doore beggyng for a dose.

Portofino Mon 17-Jan-11 20:46:29

I know notte whatte of wych you speyke! I can assure thee that my lord has no problems in THAT departemente. I hath been speyking of cooking! The Helmeted Cock is one of Milady Delia's finest concoctions! Didst thou notte clickest on the lynk? Orr didst thou assume it was somethyng of a fylthy nature - you dyrty mynded varlet thou?

Portofino Mon 17-Jan-11 20:48:09

Burning is too goode for some peyple! <<tutteth>>

kat2504 Mon 17-Jan-11 21:05:36

Goodwyves of Mumsnette I beseech ye to offer me good counsel. Recently I hath been to ye Apothecary Bootes and hath purchased a soothsaying machine from ye Clearblue. Each morn I must pisse on sticks and lyke magyck, ye machine doth foretelle if mine Lord should lie with me come eventide. Mine lord doth denounce this as wytchcrafte and sayeth that the Soothsayer of Clearblue is the worke of ye Devil who doth robbe me of my groats each moon-tide.
Mayhap mine Lord should rather that I perform ye deed all eventides, but alack, I must toil hard in ye olde schoolhouse each day, schooling childer in illuminated lettering.
Is ye soothsayer of Clearblue a wytch?

AnyFuleKno Mon 17-Jan-11 21:26:05

mistress Kat I hear tell that ye Clearblue be indeede a most costlye soothsayere and verily doth cause ye to piss on thine own hande if thy be not careful. A wizened crone hath scratched on a parchment the mannere in wyche a womanne maye become heavy withe childe. Amonge other sundrie thinges she doth recommend checking ye underbritches for egg whyte, though how it doth get there I know notte.

kat2504 Mon 17-Jan-11 22:30:35

Mistress Anyfule, thou art most wyse indeed. I have studied ye parchements of ye crone Mistress Zita, alack without becominge dyffed. Mine underbritches doth not yield omelettes. Mistress Zita proclaimeth that mine Lord muste abstain from ye mead. Mine Lord is not keen on thys and continueth to drinke ye mead but weareth not tyght underbritches.

BoffinMum Mon 17-Jan-11 22:52:46

Tis surely all in the nature of the dugs, fayre wymmynne of Mumsnette, not in the way of chickens.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Mon 17-Jan-11 23:00:30

Good Dame Portofino, dost thou not knowe that wytches are hanged and notte burned in thys fair isle?!
Burnyngs are reserved for heretycs. To gyve them a tayste of the fyres of hell awayting them!

BoffinMum Tue 18-Jan-11 10:22:22

Haf startedde two threddes in yon 'Promotional Vouchers' topick with great things offered by ye merchantes. Turnipp and object of great exotick mysterie ye 'potatoe' on specialle offer, verily on account of ye 'Burns Night' (clearlie haf wytches hereticks been seen in these partes). Wymmin clearlie maketh a partie of itt. Thysse alle from My Lord of Ocado who will happilie forgoe 15% of groats in honour of wymmynne's custom. Other thredde is to do with Milch, 10 groats worthe of childer fodder, most usefulle in these tymes of tryal. Make merry ye maids and stuff ye faces happilie.

BoffinMum Tue 18-Jan-11 10:25:02

PS My Lord of Ocado also purveys ye parsnipps for ye needy wenches where lords and lieges have absented themselves for to attende manlie fightinge at ye crusades and the lycke.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 18-Jan-11 10:46:46

Ye Animales & Livestocke

Some deville is gettinge atte mine goates in ye night. They wille nat now cross ye bridge over ye streame to come to pleasaunte pastures on ye othere side. Alle ye three seeme moste discomfortede. Anie tippes or ideas hwat coulde be frighting themme?

BoffinMum Tue 18-Jan-11 11:13:06

It be ye well knowne facte that ye grasse is always greener on ye side furthest awaye.

Yegods! Is Somer icumen in? Was that a cukoo loudley singing?

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Tue 18-Jan-11 12:48:09

Deare systers, I curry thy assistance in haste!
Ye trencher I doth keep in ye midden shack that fallen into ye pitte.
I am most vexed. Yon trencher is that which I keep there for ye sole purpose of being a receptakle for ye cords for binding ye locks!
I fashioned it with mine own fair hands, at ye Potters shoppe and decorated it prettily.
It hath fallen downe between ye wall of ye shack and ye planke Witt ye hole in. Ye gap is too smalle and I cannst notte pass mine hande through ye niche!
Prithee telle me whatte I can do to remedy ye vexatious situation?

BoffinMum Tue 18-Jan-11 13:07:57

Verily I moun aske be there sweetcorne in said midden? And be it near a course of water? grin

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Tue 18-Jan-11 13:20:43

Nay, there be no sweetcorn, but there do be my lovely trencher down the midden. How may I retrieve it pray?

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 18-Jan-11 13:33:54

Hast thou attemptede the freeinge of ye trenchere with ye littel pitchforke?

Mine poore goates will nat go neere ye streame - I ween theye are sore afrayde. Shall I nevere more heere ye trippe trappe of ye smal hooves on ye bridge?

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Tue 18-Jan-11 13:57:59

Mayhap there be some fowle creyture Ill wishyng thy beast! Hast thou mette anyone reycentlye who hast invoked a battle of sweet rolls? Or who hast expressed opinions contrarye to those most common? I haff heard thatte these payple are oftenne called Trolles or some such!

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 18-Jan-11 14:07:14

Thinke ye so? Whenne ye have finishede with ye littel pitchforke yeve it to me, that I may go a-hunting undere ye bridge. I have heerde mumblings about ye viperes, and invitationes most coarse cominge from ye directioune of ye streeme of late.

Portofino Tue 18-Jan-11 18:25:16

Pisseth myselfe at the trenchere in the midden....grin

SugarMousePink Tue 18-Jan-11 19:16:58

<Roffleth>

Suncottage Tue 18-Jan-11 19:43:26

Doth other maidens ever covet the very cowl of Cadfael?

I would doth my veil and retire to the haystack with a moo of my father's oxen.

Cor!(eth)

Suncottage Tue 18-Jan-11 21:32:29

I shall partake of the mandrake potion for I have killeth the silken thread and my shame is mine and mine alone. To the highest turret my weak and feeble body I will carry.

Anon, anon cruel world.....

Aaaaaaghhhh(eth)

TheShriekingHarpy Tue 18-Jan-11 21:33:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheShriekingHarpy Tue 18-Jan-11 21:37:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 18-Jan-11 22:12:47

Y feele your paine Mistress Harpie, I was once afflictede with an bastarde behinde ye olde two-wheele-carte shedde. Luckilye mine husbande hath suspecteth no thinge.

Portofino Tue 18-Jan-11 22:22:08

I fear I hath encountered a wyche! She is from ye Northern provynces and goes by the moniker of Madame McKeith. She asked that I do a motion in her devil's beaker rather than in ye midden so that she could "pokke it wyth a styck" Alas she seems to hath met wyth misfortune as my Lord found her buryed in ye midden when he hath gone for a post-prandial shytte! It was notte to do with me!

Suncottage Tue 18-Jan-11 22:37:37

Alack, alack and alas. I liveth. Thou partook of the white wine draught whilst denying the mandrake potion and thine dearest and most potent wish to swoop to my end was thwarted when I fell over pissed on the the highest turret of Semi-detached castle and landed on the knot garden and squasheth the under maid.

[Bugger and a hey nonny nonny]

Sorry Eliza - you twere but a sweet maid (sluttish after a few yards of mead I heard, but I counseled caution to those rumours and had them beheaded)

Suncottage Wed 19-Jan-11 21:24:05

I have killed the silken thread - I feel so proud and will weave a tapestry in testement.

plupervert Thu 20-Jan-11 17:16:51

With thon Boaste, thou hast practis'd Foul Necromancie and awakened my Slumb'ring Shade.

nickelbabysnatcher Thu 20-Jan-11 17:18:47

thisse threade ys nowe yn yon talke rounduppe of mumsnette ymail - thus shall itt bee ressurrecteyed forthwithe.

NonnoMum Thu 20-Jan-11 19:43:18

Aye.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Fri 21-Jan-11 12:07:25

sistres - be it me aloune who hath founde itt most harde to resiste puttinge an extra "E" on ye ende of alle ye wordes, thiss past se'ennight?

nickelbabysnatcher Fri 21-Jan-11 13:09:01

i am juste upsette that mye keye-bourd hath not an lounge S withe whych i canne make ye ss heyre.

plupervert Fri 21-Jan-11 17:34:01

Sistre Oliphante, thoue arte Crosse-EYe'de iffe thoue doste not see Howe Odde Thatte Dotthe Looke! confused

ElephantsAndMiasmas Fri 21-Jan-11 21:34:19

Verilye, Mistress of ye Perversiounes, am I cross-ey'd, tis a curse from the Lorde for frolickinge on ye sabbath with ye raven-hairede priestlinge. Tis, in my opinioune moste humble, moste worthe it, egad.

Hath ye heerde is said thatte ye Chief Heralde of ye Lorde of Englande hath strucke off his owne head? Tis a doing moste strange, methinks.

bangorbelle Sun 14-Aug-11 13:56:21

Toiletinge of ye chylder.

O wise mumsnetteres, what saye ye?
Mine own sonne is butte two sommeres ande 6 moon cycles old and for thys paste 4 blessed turnyings of ye sun, I have implored ye chyld to taketh leave of ye olde nappye and taketh relief of ye pottye insteade. Alas, mine sonne continues to pisseth and befoul the floores of thys fyne hovel ande doth refuse to weareth bigge boyye undergarmentes.

Shouldst I continue in mine queste to ridde ye chylde of the devils own stynkbombe and learne him the wayes of propere toiletinge?

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 17-Aug-11 14:12:02

Ladye of Bangor - canne nat he bepiss himself in ye guttere along with your goodman and yourselfe? It is a doinge most hygienick. Pottyes art an instrumente of ye devile, I hath herd telle.

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