ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Teachers. Admit it. This is a perk of the job isn't it?(335 Posts)
Just got dds work home as she finishes this week.
In the bag are some things that are mounted and have clearly been on the wall either in the classroom or (gulp) the main corridors or halls.
In one she provides a slice of homelife which is mighty embarrassing and makes us sound like total wankers. She also talks about drinking wine. She is 8.
You find these things don't you, with a silent shout of glee. I have believed this since my mother told me about turning up at my school and on the wall was a picture I had drawn of her and dad 'playing in the bath'.
Come on. You might as well admit it....
When my DD was in reception I went in to meet with the class teacher who had great pleasure in showing me a picture my DD had drawn. They were asked to draw their favourite thing and DD had drawn a picture of Fizz from the Tweenies, with a large, pink caption declaring, 'Fizz is my fart', her 5 yo way of spelling favourite apparently.
When my DH & I split up, I moved to a new area with the children. It was only after several months of funny looks that I found out DS1 (then 4) had told everyone at school that his dad was in prison!
When the kids were young I worked as a freelance TV producer. When asked to write about his parents' jobs my son wrote 'Daddy takes the train to work and Mummy watches television all day . . . '
Year 10 (I would have been 15). Teacher asked where I lived and when I replied she said "oh dear, there's a lot of rape in the fields there". I looked at her jaw agape and muttered that I didn't think that was the case. She persisted that she wouldn't walk through the fields. Silence followed in which the realisation hit us both that she meant the plant (she suffered from hay fever) and that I thought she meant sexual assault. I was mortified - worse, she was a psychology teacher so I was left to wonder what she'd read into my misunderstanding!!
One youngster I worked with called me a philiopede. A member of staff then corrected him by saying "I think what you mean is paedophile, and you're right TLC is a paedophile!!" The idiot then went on to explain the derivation of paedophile, I.e. love & children. Don't know who was most horrified/scared, me or the youngster
In reverse: when I was at primary school, my mum once asked me what our teacher did while we were getting on with the work he had set us. My reply? 'He sits at his desk and twiddles his thumbs'.
My favourite piece of work that I marked from last year.
I aksed my mum if I could go to the faire. She said 'you cunt!'
A bit of a harsh response (was supposed to say can't and was a frequent mistake during this piece of work!)
In my first year of teaching, in a very strict RC school, I taught a little boy who told me that his daddy had needed the loo while he was in the bath last night. When he had finished Daddy had needed to scratch his scrotum. (His words, not mine). I didn't know where to look at parents evening!
My son wrote in his book :
When my mummy drops me at school, she rushes off to go and see Mr Boston every day. Mr Boston has brown hair and my mummy kisses him. Mummy and Mr Boston have been to Scotland for the weekend and had a party. My mummy takes Mr Boston sweeties. My daddy doesn't like Mr Boston much because Mr Boston kicked my daddy and so my daddy smacked him on the nose. My mummy loves Mr Boston and I like him too.
Underneath the teacher wrote something like 'very nice writing'.
What my son failed to say was that Mr Boston is a racehorse, and the trip to Scotland was for a race.
Worse, it had been written some time ago, and I can only imagine his teacher in that intervening time watching me drop him at school and rush off and her thinking I was having an affair!
Hahaha loving this thread.
Reminds me of when I was about 3yo and I went to a childminder who was teetotal and frequent drinking holes very much. On trips out we used to pass pubs which me and my parents went to for Sunday lunches. So there was me pointing out all the best pubs to go to with particular recommendations going to the ones which had the best play areas.
Following on from Kacy - my year 7 class put together their Summer Reading lists last week, one task for this they had to which books they were looking forward to reading the most. When I checked one girl's list she had Fifty Shades of Grey on there, the worst part was that it was 'recommended' by another girl in the class. When I asked the girl if she had actually read it, she replied "no, but my mum reads it all the time. Its on my list so I've only put two more books on there because it takes so long to read. My mum has had it for year now and still hasn't finished, she has to read it in the bedroom on her own so she can concentrate and only dad is allowed in there to help her".
AARGH! I was howling, I'm dreading parents eve!
When I was a student teacher I was teaching a lesson in which the class (year 5 so 9/10) were learning about the respiratory system. When I pointed out the diaphragm a very sensible girl's hand shot up, "Miss, my mum's got a diaphragm in her underwear drawer."
Needless to say I had to stage a coughing fit so I could leave the classroom for five minutes!
I asked my class to write about their hopes and dreams for the year ahead. A Y4 girl wrote, "I want to read three really big books this year. I'm getting them with my Christmas money. One is called Fifty Shades of Grey, one is Fifty Shades Darker and I can't remember the other one." Her Mum was mortified!
Me and mum found an old exercise book of mine from about age 9 where I had to answer a science question at school. It was along the lines of... Why do animals give birth to a whole litter of babies, when humans tend to only give birth to one? I'd answered, short and sweet, "Humans can't cope with more than one child at a time". I got a huge red tick and "Good answer!"
Mum was pretty embarrassed (about 15 years late)
My mum was a bit annoyed with:
'...a party at my auntie's house. Uncle Albert was there. He told dirty jokes and everybody laughed.'
And very glad it wasn't my dad who saw:
'.... this weekend my grandad died. He was my daddy's daddy. It is very sad....'
above this story was my drawing of my grandad lying dead at a bus stop.
When DS2 was 8 his dad was late taking him to school, DS1 said "Tell them your dad's incompetent" So DS2 marches in and says loudly, "Sorry I'm late, my dad's incontinent"!!!
My DS(7) at the time was telling me about some of the kids at the school and what they had been up to. "And then they shagged" he said!!
After a bit of confusion, I worked out that he thought shagging meant kissing!!
Year 4 class writing their own rules for living (inspired by the 10 Commandments). Lots of ideas like do not fight, be kind to your family etc. One boy included "Do not light pubic fires." I think he'd missed an l out...
A few years ago i was looking after my friends three sons and we were all sitting down to dinner, with my two daughters. As we were eating i asked all the kids how school had been that day.
Friends middle son aged five perked up "i had sex today"
(it was a girl in his class giving him a kiss and running away!)
Hilarious stories, so funny I am feeling very brave even contemplating adding anything to it...
In my primary school, class full of 10/11yo kids. Two kids (a boy and a girl) were bickering while teacher had stepped out of the room. Both kids were confident types and neither was going to back down.
Things were getting heated when the boy, quite muscular for his age, obviously thought he'd play his trump card and silence his opponent with the threat of violence, he snarled with meaningful emphasis "if you aren't careful I'm gonna put you in the maternity ward" - to which the entire class creased up entirely and irretrievably, there wasn't a dry eye in the room when teacher came back in and had to try to restore order. The mirth lasted all day and the poor lad in question never lived it down. It remains to this day a memory of one of the best ever days at school for the sheer funny factor.
OH MY!!! wetting myself with laughter!!
When I was about 6ish... I was round my grandmas house with all aunties, uncles and every one, think we were talking about dreams,
when I piped up "my mum has nightmares!"
my mum "really?"
me "yes in the middle of the night, i always hear you going ahh ahh ahh"
(i actually made the sex noises)
my mum and dad looked very embaressed, got very cross, and they very quickly left, and in the car on the way back home, i got bollocked... but i was clueless, didnt think id done anything wrong. until i remembered years later, makes me cringe haha...
When my DD was in y 2 she constantly forgot to bring her lunch box home. One morning, very early because I was working from 7.30 am until 8 pm, I discovered she had not brought her lunchbox home. I told my dad (who was taking her to school) and DD that she'd have to have school dinners today and to tell the teacher during the register.
Fast forward to that afternoon, I had a missed call from school. So i called them back. Apparently DD had told the teacher when she sat down to lunch with yesterday's half eaten packed lunch that I had said she had to eat it a second day running as she was wasting food! They fully believed her and the head teacher had actually paid for her to have a school dinner! The teacher said that she could see where I was coming from but wasn't sure that making her eat manky old sandwiches was the best way. Obviously I told them my version of events and DD admitted later that she had forgotten to say school dinners during the register and had panicked. I could have died!
My 'little darling' was seen by an ed psych recently who wanted his views on schools... He was asked 'If you had 3 wishes to change school what would they be?' He only needed 2 wishes...
'Stop all lessons' and 'Sack all the teachers'
That little beauty is in his report for his statement and been shared with all parties!!!
In reception he called out in assembly to a policeman that 'You can buy them re-feck-tors at Lidl for 3 quid'
He told the school vicar that last time he was at rugby I drank so much wine I couldn't drive home... and it wasn't the first time it had happened!
(happened twice and both times at the presentation ball a year apart!)
He does have ASD so he just shares and his logic is absolutely spot on but not quite as you know it.... It's led to much assuming that it's learnt behr....
But really I do not think odd socks actually match on the basis that they were both bought at Asda!
This is hilarious - am crying with laughter here!
My son told his teacher that his mummy and daddy didn't live together and mummy lived with Jamie now because "he has a bigger willy than my daddy!"
My ex and I separated when DS was 20 months, all very civil, no one else involved! We did both re-marry after about 4 years (other people that is) and willy size was not a factor in any of it!
This year i taught year 6. Starting the subject of microrganisms I asked if anyone knew anything about it. One boy asled if it was to do with sex. All the adults eyes dropped to the floor and i battled not to.lose it imagining tiny orgasmsd!
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