Teachers. Admit it. This is a perk of the job isn't it?

(335 Posts)
pagwatch Thu 16-Dec-10 13:22:07

Just got dds work home as she finishes this week.

In the bag are some things that are mounted and have clearly been on the wall either in the classroom or (gulp) the main corridors or halls.

In one she provides a slice of homelife which is mighty embarrassing and makes us sound like total wankers. She also talks about drinking wine. She is 8.

You find these things don't you, with a silent shout of glee. I have believed this since my mother told me about turning up at my school and on the wall was a picture I had drawn of her and dad 'playing in the bath'.

Come on. You might as well admit it....

blush and grin

Poledra Thu 16-Dec-10 13:24:23

Oh yes. My teacher parents had some cracking stories to tell about the embarrassing things children had told them/written in their daily diaries etc grin

Sadly, it was counter-balanced by the dreadful stuff they often heard too.

RupertTheBear Thu 16-Dec-10 13:24:46

Oh absolutely!
I laughed until I cried over a piece of work where the 9 year old child described her older brother living in Spain to wank for a year (we think/hope she meant work)

Come on Pag...what has she said??

pagwatch Thu 16-Dec-10 13:26:17

grin

That is a realistic yet exhausting gap year.

Ds1 wrote a lovely harvest poem thanking god for the craps in the field...

TheCrackFox Thu 16-Dec-10 13:35:41

On DS1's first day at school the HT made a speech (she really loves the sound of her own voice TBH) and she said "if you promise not to believe everything the children say about us then we will take everything the children say about you with a big pinch of salt".

Your headteacher sounds very sensible CrackFox

TwilaAndTinsel Thu 16-Dec-10 13:44:35

It's a fab perk. My particular favourite was the little boy who told the entire class that the Easter Bunny wasn't real "because I saw my Mummy wearing a fluffy tail and my Daddy was chasing her!"

dd1s first ever book that they worte in every monday about what they had done at home was lovely

I was so excited about seeing what she had written at parents evening

hmmm hmm

mummy and ddaddy were in the garden smoking.

mummy drinks wine

daddy likes poker

mummy and ddaddy do lots of cuddling

and a lengthy report of when dd2 smashed a glass bowl and got a bit in her foot

we sound fab hmm

roffle @ twila

TwilaAndTinsel Thu 16-Dec-10 13:50:32

LOL at "we sound fab" grin

I once had to ring a pupil's mum because her DD had handcuffed someone to a tree and we needed her to bring the key to school.

This is why DH and I are strictly vanilla until the children are older.

A small child in one of my classes told me how her daddy dressed up as a princess and chased her around the cellar.

The daddy in question was at least 6'4" and built like a rugby player!

Another drew pics of a cat all the time with wings. I asked him what it was, exactly, and he said that it was his dead cat, in heaven. He explained how his mum cried when she found the cat dead. And then he had cried. And then mummy said he had gone to heaven and how they buried him with a couple of toys and how they had all cried again, but he was brave and gave mummy a cuddle and told her he was in heaven and was baby Jesus's cat now.

I'm afraid I got something in my eye at that point and had to go for a tissue.

ILikeMilk Thu 16-Dec-10 13:52:58

Haha! Reminds me of DS telling teacher and classmates that his dad works as a security guard in Tesco. In fact DH is an accountant and holds a very senior position at his company, but DS thought it made him sound much cooler than he is...

Acanthus Thu 16-Dec-10 13:56:27

Pag! What did she put? Was it as good as saying mobiles at the tables are astonishingly rude? grin

YunoYurbubson Thu 16-Dec-10 13:56:52

Dd's last report contained a line about how "dd was always keen to share her experiences outside school with everyone at carpet time".

Oh gawd...

In circle time,a 5 year old boy once told me, my entire class and my Teaching Assistants his 'news'.."My daddy likes to dress up in my mummy's clothes when she goes out!"grin Could never quite look either parent in the eye again after that!

stnikkilarse1978 Thu 16-Dec-10 14:00:44

I used to tell everyone my Dad was a waiter. In fact he was the manager of a 5 star hotel on Park Lane in London. God knows where I got my ideas from. I think he might have taken us to one of the restaurants in the hotel and known all the staff grin

thereisthesnowball Thu 16-Dec-10 14:01:22

SNORT at the handcuffs

MeUnscrabbly Thu 16-Dec-10 14:03:52

At nursery (many years ago) in circle time, the children were given an old 35mm film canister and told to put as many tiny things in it as they could fit. One little girl stood up and said loudly 'My mummy has a pot like that. She calls it her pot pot'

Ha haaaaaaaa grin

springlamb Thu 16-Dec-10 14:15:50

I still cringe when I remember going into DS's reception class when he shouted 'here's silly mummy' and proceeded to tell everyone how silly me and daddy were for forgetting to put our pyjamas on last night.
Unfortunately, it's a special school with an extended age range - DS is 16 now and I still have to face the same TA.

springlamb Thu 16-Dec-10 14:18:13

When I was at infant school I used to tell everyone my Dad was German. And occasional use the one German word I knew, as evidence of this.
My Dad was born in Kennington South London and descended from fishermen in Grimsby.
WTF was that about, student psychologists?

LetThereBeRock Thu 16-Dec-10 14:19:33

I told my teacher,when I was about 6,that my ambition was to write a book on 101 ways to eat a Jaffa cake.blush

WilfShelf Thu 16-Dec-10 14:23:02

rofl. Esp at handcuffs...

More please, teachers. Just so long as it's not me.

pagwatch Thu 16-Dec-10 14:25:10

Lol at silly mummy and tales of cross dressing daddies..

Acanthus.. Nah. I just read it and I thought 'god they we sound like such tossers.
The "and I drank lots of wine" was good though..
I expect some parents nodded along thinking 'yes, I can see how that could happen'

VivianDarkbloom Thu 16-Dec-10 14:27:58

Handcuffs!!! grin

My dad's a psychiatrist, I used to tell everyone he was a psychopath...

jacquiel Thu 16-Dec-10 14:28:50

my dd had to write about what made her happy and what made her sad

Happy - when mummy reads to me smile
Sad - when daddy makes a cake and it tastes yucky wink

i didnt mind going to parents evening and seeing that on the wall!!

superv1xen Thu 16-Dec-10 14:30:18

haha this thread is great

i remember at about 10, writing about my summer holiday in wales at school and saying how it was great on holiday as mummy and daddy took us to the pub every evening and daddy was really funny when he was drunk shock

snowflake69 Thu 16-Dec-10 14:32:24

I work in a nursery and my daughter comes with me. She is always saying embarassing things about me like 'daddy hits mummy and he goes on time out' which is definitely not true at all. She always sees me drinking cans of fizzy pop as well and thinks its beer cans. She is always telling parents/staff my mummy drinks lots of beer!

Its even worse when its your child and you work there.

DanceInTheDark Thu 16-Dec-10 14:34:32

I used to tell everyone my dad was a policeman and he painted aeroplanes. It was kind of true! He worked for aerospace and started off in the paint shop and then worked as security!

TwilaAndTinsel Thu 16-Dec-10 14:36:40

Pag this is a very funny and distracting thread but I really want to know about what DD said to make you all sound like wankers. And about the wine too. Sorry grin

TwilaAndTinsel Thu 16-Dec-10 14:37:44

Ah x-post if that is indeed all you are going to say...

pawsnclaws Thu 16-Dec-10 14:42:46

Ds1 did a project on the senses in reception, which included a list of smells he liked and smells he didn't. How proud we were to see that he apparently liked the smell of bogs. The TA assured me it was muddy bogs not the other kind!

Friend of mine's DD wrote in her news book that at the weekend mummy and daddy went to a party, daddy was sick in the plant pot when they got home and when they got up in the morning he had a pocket full of cooked chicken drumsticks from the buffet.

TwilaAndTinsel Thu 16-Dec-10 14:54:51

Ha haaaa at Pawsnclaws and the unfortunate Dad!

<makes mental note to go back to KS1 just for the "news book">

nymphadora Thu 16-Dec-10 14:58:16

Dd2 had some classic ones. I've kept her book cos I was in stitches at parents evening. Though there were a few mentions of dh ( when we first got together) having sleepovers

pagwatch Thu 16-Dec-10 15:04:19

grin

Not as bad as some of these actually...

I realise your imaginations may make it worse so..

It was just ' what you did on holiday' exercise. We had treaty holiday which included a limo from the airport.

Dd has slighty quaint writing style and rather than sounding ' it was bloody brilliant' it sounded a bit..... ' fabuolous dahhhlings, just fabulous...

She included drinking wine and champagne although I seem to recall bottles of water. hmm
She had a more pimped out experience than I.
grin

pawsnclaws Thu 16-Dec-10 15:09:07

Oh Lord how could I forget what my own brother said in class!

Picture the scene - primary school 1977. A whole bunch of five year olds being asked what they want to do/be/have when they grow up. DB told the entire class and teacher that his ambition when he grew up was to have "an enormous willy like my Dad."

The teacher told my Mum grin.

Poledra Thu 16-Dec-10 15:10:51

ROFL, pawsnclaws. I bet your Dad was very proud of himself after that grin

pagwatch Thu 16-Dec-10 15:11:56

Rofl!

Did your dad put him up to it?

pawsnclaws Thu 16-Dec-10 15:15:40

I remember my Mum's cheeks scarlet with embarrassment - we laugh about it now but she was quite shy and prudish then. My Dad was met in the hallway with one of those We Need To Talk looks.

I think my Dad's exact words were "nice one, son." Nowadays social services would probably be called!

shongololo Thu 16-Dec-10 15:23:57

I'm a leader in a youth organisation, dealing with 6-8yos. Favourites...

On a "healthy eating" visit to Sainsburys, one pointed to the top shelf and said..."my daddy reads that one with the girls boobies on". Later that evening, when questioned on what would be a healthy drink, he said "Baileys". Oh how we did tease his mum about the family porn and booze habits! :D

We also had a wee girl tell us that "mum does nothing except sit on the sofa and drink wine"

ANd a boy who old us, on a visit to the police cells, that his daddy had picked up his mummy from here..

pagwatch Thu 16-Dec-10 15:26:01

I love these..

TheSmallClanger Thu 16-Dec-10 15:28:24

I've shared this before, but DD once convinced most of her class, including the teacher, that she was the annoying little French girl from the Petit Filous adverts.

I'm not sure how it began, or what gave her the idea, but apparently they put makeup on her to make her look a bit different. She did look like that little girl, though.

When she first started school, DH didn't work full time due to illness, so she was quite fond of telling people that he spent a lot of the time lying on the sofa eating Coco Pops.

GordianKnot Thu 16-Dec-10 15:29:22

Mate of mine had her office temporarily moved to the same road as recycling area. I asked her som if he knew what mummy did.

You guessed it " my mum works at the tip"

GordianKnot Thu 16-Dec-10 15:31:10

I did a lesson with year 8 once and were doing about reflection. I said it's like mid life crises when you reasses life. They then ALL told me how their parents mlcs had manifested themselves

Vairvrevealing.

shongololo Thu 16-Dec-10 15:34:52

embarrassingly, my DD (year 6 at the time) told her friend (in earshot of a teacher) that she had bought a vibrator off e-bay...blush

I'm sure the entire staff looked at me differently from there on.

I should point out that I don't e-bay.

Dumbledoresfairy Thu 16-Dec-10 15:40:05

I still remember with embarrassment writing when I was 7/8 about my cat walking between the bras on the landing. I meant the bars (balustrade) on the landing. I bet my teacher smiled at that one.

Funnily enough, as a teacher, I can't remember reading anything funny. I do enjoy reading my children's writing though, not for the embarrassing details they reveal, but just their quirky view of our lives.

Galena Thu 16-Dec-10 15:54:10

We were doing a craft activity once in my Y3 class and one little girl turned to me and said 'My daddy has terrible problems with wind.' I really couldn't look him in the eye after that!

madav Thu 16-Dec-10 16:59:59

I had a couple of policemen visit for a theft (from me) and they stood and talked to me while I was making tea in the kitchen. Youngest son stood and stared at the younger one for ages and he smiled and said "alright son?"

He pointed to the guy's handcuffs and said "My mum's got a pair of those! I'll go get them."

The younger guy went bright red, and the older guy that was standing talking to me could hardly speak for trying to keep in his laughing. I didn't know where to look.

Can only imagine the conversation down at the station when they got back......

And yes, I did have a pair.......

GordianKnot Thu 16-Dec-10 17:02:08

My son (5) told his teacher " my dads moving to new York as he has problems with his sleep"

The teacher wasn't a Wombats fan

gordian I don't get it confused

GordianKnot Thu 16-Dec-10 17:04:21

It's a song.

AbsofCroissant Thu 16-Dec-10 17:06:58

My DN told her teacher that when she grows up, she wants to be just like Mommy and Daddy and spend the whole weekend naked in bed.

They swear that she made this up.

My niece wouldn't do a thing like that, would she?

rimmer08 Thu 16-Dec-10 17:07:07

i am afraid i am a secondary teaher but i can tell you lots of stupid/funny things they say...
1. miss why is CUNT such a bad word?
2. When hamsters are in them little balls, are they happy or are they trying to get out?
3. henry VIII liked big balls
4. Test answer- an epidemicis someone who works on a farm

RiojaLover75 Thu 16-Dec-10 17:07:59

madav cringe grin

xstitchsnowscene Thu 16-Dec-10 17:11:42

The police turned up at the door of one of my colleagues because her son told the teacher she dealt drugs. She was a a pharmacist so dealt with drugs blush

IAmReallyFabNow Thu 16-Dec-10 17:14:35

In Year 3 my son wrote "for Christmas I got vegetables in my stocking."

TwentiethCenturyChristmasCarol Thu 16-Dec-10 17:18:44

I once heard my Dad joke that he had a drinking problem - he couldn't get enough of it. Of course I repeated it at school to my teacher blush Just to make it worse, my Mum was the headteacher.

huffythethreadslayer Thu 16-Dec-10 17:21:30

I remember writing a story when I was young about my dad throwing his dinner up the wall when he got back from the pub. I was a great little writer and I used some beautiful descriptive words to describe how the food slid down the wallpaper.

My mum and dad would have been horrified, but I have to say, that's what a lot of my younger life was about.

Nowadays I'd undoubtedly have been on a register of some kind.

My dd, though, used to tell nursery that if she got in trouble at home her mum always threatened to bounce her off the decking, which was two storeys up. They said she had 'a very special way of linking behaviour and consequences'. I was constantly waiting for social services to call round

Adversecamber Thu 16-Dec-10 17:22:46

I fell asleep in class, I was 6 years old, my Dad had let me stay up to watch Match of the Day. I used the excuse that my Mother was in fact an evil stepmother who made me do all the housework and sleep on the floor. Mum was called straight up the school to explain. Cinderella was my favurite book at the time.

MeUnscrabbly Thu 16-Dec-10 17:23:10

My brother once wrote a story called 'Nag, nag, nag'

It was about my mother grin

bluebump Thu 16-Dec-10 17:26:39

I have a story from when I was little that i've kept as it makes me laugh so much. It says something along the lines of "we went to the fun fair and we went on the waltzers and my daddy shouted to the man to make it spin faster and when we got off daddy was sick! grin He still remembers that and swears it was the last time he went on waltzers!

Littlefish Thu 16-Dec-10 17:30:49

A child once told me that their mum and dad had to buy a new bed because they had broken theirs playing tigers.

My, how I laughed when I saw the mum on the playground.

I also got caught out when working with children on pictures of their houses. On little boy drew a castle. I had a gentle word with him, and asked him to draw his real house because "you don't really live in a castle, do you".

Turns out, he did! Or at least his dad did, so he stayed there in the holidays. blush.

lol littefish grin

adversecamber, lol so fuuny, I like your name too

hankythechristmaspoo Thu 16-Dec-10 17:49:45

My ds, in year 1. Circle time talking about feelings. Just for extra effect they had the deputy head for that session.

'So children, what makes you sad?'

DS eagerly puts up hand and says 'It makes me sad when my mummy makes me eat her poo'.

The little sod. He was then questioned and was adamant it was true so had to be pulled aside and questioned and finally admitted it wasn't.

The class teacher was in absolute fits when she told me and actually had to turn her back on DS when telling me.

She is now DS 's teacher blush

hankythechristmaspoo Thu 16-Dec-10 17:50:06

DS 3's teacher

Catnao Thu 16-Dec-10 18:00:41

Two of the children in my class wrote in their news books that they spent the weekend in Portugal with each other! They really definitely didn't, but were adamant about it and describing it ("Really big buildings"!) that I almost began to wonder if it were true, even though I had SEEN one of them with my own eyes on the Saturday!

My mum has kept my older brother's news book and showed it to me the other weekend. One entry reads "I came downstairs and my sister was watching Saturday Superstore. I asked if we could watch Batman instead. My sister said "no". So we didn't!" So - at least I had him in his place....

Back at school after camping in the summer hols , doing their news... DS2 told the teacher, ' Mummy got drunk every night with her best friend and fell off her chair'

Sadly it was a) true and b) I work there as well blush

Galena Thu 16-Dec-10 18:10:23

I also had a Year 3 child who came to Roman day in the most fantastic outfit - a tunic with gold trim and a wreath of golden leaves etc round his head.

I made some comment about his super outfit and he said 'My mum wears it sometimes for parties'

It was knee length on a 7 year old!

DilysPrice Thu 16-Dec-10 18:26:15

DD wrote a poem for homework recently at great length about how horrible it was to have a nagging mother who was really mean and having a go at her all the time. Since the reason I had been being the meanest mother in the whole world was because I was trying to get get to write her bloody poen for homework I decided not to object.

WriterofDreams Thu 16-Dec-10 18:42:43

It wasn't about parents, but one year 1 child said to me, "I love you. Your trousers are wrinkly, but I still love you." I was pmsl and had to hide it from the poor child who was giving me serious googly eyes.

panettoinydog Thu 16-Dec-10 18:56:03

It is such a hoot when these insights come out. One boy recently wrote an (unintentionally) v v funny poem about how he hated his big teenager brother. You were in the house with them all.

TheBolter Thu 16-Dec-10 18:56:15

My story isn't nearly as funny as these, but I do remember my teacher cackling with laughter then giving me several house points at my diary entry summarising Spring half term when I was 8:

"On coming down to breakfast I found sitting at the table a very ratty mum."

(Ratty being a word we used to use for cross.)

At the time I didn't see what was so funny, but as a mother of primary age children I can now see how the antiquated writing style (like Pag's dd I too used to write - and speak - like a ponce-in-training) that described the clearly 'pissed off that it's half term' mum was rather amusing!

MissClavel Thu 16-Dec-10 20:34:21

This is not as good as the rest of these, but when DS 2 was in reception, he got the hang of writing suddenly at some point in the summer term.
They learnt the word 'out'. The teacher encouraged them to use it in a sentence. DS carefully, and perfectly, formed his first sentence: 'You can go out to the pub'.
No idea where he got that idea from.

sarahscot Thu 16-Dec-10 20:57:39

At the start of a new school year I asked my primary 2s (same as yr 3 in England) to write about something they loved about P1 and what they were looking forward to in P2.

One wee girl wrote "In P1 I loved Mrs Smith because she had wrinkly purple tits."
(I think she meant tights.)

The same girl wrote a piece about a special person and chose to write about her baby sister. She wrote that "Janey's favourite thing is boobie. She loves lots of boobie and does it all the time."

pozzled Thu 16-Dec-10 21:11:37

My mum asked a Year One class to write an account of sports day.

One little girl wrote about how in the parents' obstacle race, 'Mr x fell down and his penis rolled all over the playground'.

She meant 'pennies'.

RoseMortmain Thu 16-Dec-10 21:15:38

From a Year 1 writing book - Miss Harlow liks cok.

He hadn't got the hang of the magic 'e' grin.

deste Thu 16-Dec-10 21:18:13

When my son was in P1 he wrote My mum kisses my dad, my dad kisses my mum, they both kisses each other. Thank god he stopped there.

pagwatch Thu 16-Dec-10 21:19:30

Arf at rolling penis
grin

weasle Thu 16-Dec-10 21:36:14

oh thank you, this has cheered me up so much after a rubbish day!
i described my mum as an orphan in a story i wrote at school. i was still upset my grandad had died and very into the musical annie. my mum was about 42 and amused to be compared to annie grin

Cathycat Thu 16-Dec-10 21:37:56

My nephew and his dad were visiting the Nursery for the first time. The teacher took them to see the toilets and while there my nephew said he would go for a wee. Dad stood outside next to the Nursery teacher while nephew shouted from the loo to his new teacher: "do you know I have a little willy. My daddy has a very big willy. Very big indeed. Don't you daddy?" lol

releasethehounds Thu 16-Dec-10 21:39:59

Tears running down my face at "Miss H liks cok".

Whilst I was about 2 months pregnant with DD2, DD1's nursery class had to try to draw someone in their family and she drew a picture of "Mommy holding a bowl and being sick in it", which to be fair to DD1, I was like that most of the time! The nursery teacher gave me a very knowing smile when the children came out of class that day!

tinkselgirl Thu 16-Dec-10 21:44:02

PMSL at this thread.

DS once wrote about DH and I that we went out on saturday night and daddy had blue hair and was showing his chest

we went to another parents 40th birthday party which was fancy dress, conveniently he forgot to write this bit.

Galena Thu 16-Dec-10 21:46:34

Oh, this is great - keeps reminding me of other things!

We were doing weighing in maths and the children were asked to weigh different things from their tables. One girl weighed a 'penis case' - it was 300g!

tb Thu 16-Dec-10 21:50:25

Not with a teacher, but at Brownies.....Brown Owl told me that she'd tried to ring, but our phone seemed to be out of order. When I got home I told my mother who replied very frostily with "YOUR father hadn't paid the bill, so it was cut off". Cue next week at Brownies...."Don't worry Brown Owl, the phone was cut off because Daddy hadn't paid the bill".

When I got home I told dm not to worry, because I'd explained to Brown Owl why she couldn't get through. Didn't understand why she didn't appreciate me being honest. grin

WilfShelf Thu 16-Dec-10 22:02:25

I have just wet myself a little at 'playing tigers'...

KangarooCaught Thu 16-Dec-10 22:13:17

"My Dad likes to eat cumtwats"

(kumquats)

Didn't share this with his mother.

madav Thu 16-Dec-10 22:21:17

Pmsl at "cumtwats"

VivaLeBeaver Thu 16-Dec-10 22:29:05

DD's teacher when she was in Yr 3 made some sarcastic comments at parents' evening along the lines "Oh yes, the things she tells us about what goes at home".

I resisted the temptation to slide under the table and muttered something along the lines of "well she tells me all sorts about what goes on at school".

I never dared ask DD what the hell she'd told her teacher.

VivianDarkbloom Fri 17-Dec-10 13:35:58

"'Mr x fell down and his penis rolled all over the playground'."

grin grin grin

A girl in my primary school ran screaming up the yard "teacher teacher francis lacey got kicked with the football and has broken his tentacles"

Still can't look at her now without laughing grin

tomhardyismydh Fri 17-Dec-10 14:04:05

when I was little we lived in married quaters and some of the women worked or voluteered to clean the estate, I think they called them wombles at the time, aka tv series. but at 4 in reception when asked what our parents do I told them she worked the streets.

also argued with same teacher that you have three sets of teeth not two, milk teeth grown up teeth and falls teeth, I told her I know i right as my mum has falls teeth.

when not much older we wrote a story, i cant rmember what it was exactly but about someone who was hanged in the olden days, and thinking I was being very descriptive i wrote he was hung like a black man. my mum was horrified to have read it when I brought it home.

tomhardyismydh Fri 17-Dec-10 14:04:45

false not falls.

DontLetTinselDragOnTheFloor Fri 17-Dec-10 14:22:42

Oh god... I'm crying!

It makes DS1s use of the word "fukkin" in his Y2 written work look positively tame.

TiggyD Fri 17-Dec-10 14:24:20

"Daddy broke his leg when he was dancing in Mummy's boots and fell over."

"Mummy got excited and threw wine at Daddy."

Idontknowhowtohelpher Fri 17-Dec-10 14:50:46

for 3 weeks running dd2's homework diary said "do planning shit" - it seemed a very strange way of putting it.

She meant planning sheet...........grin

KellyBronze Fri 17-Dec-10 15:01:57

My dd, 3yo at the time, had a small fresh scratch on her arm.

A nursery nurse asked her how she got it.
She said, "Mummy cut me." and before anyone could say anything, she added "with a knife."

Trying to make a recovery, the NN said, 'Oh, but I am sure it was an accident'.

Apparently dd looked really serious at the time and said, 'No'.

MrsChemistrySetInMyStocking Fri 17-Dec-10 15:08:27

PMSL at "mr x fell down and his penis rolled all over the playground" grin

VivianDarkbloom Fri 17-Dec-10 15:13:56

Broken his tentacles!

pawsnclaws Fri 17-Dec-10 15:16:18

Love all of these especially the tentacles and penis bits! Ds1 once came home and said he'd been kicked in the peanuts. When I asked him what he meant, he said that X at school had told him the proper name for his willy was his peanuts.

cardibach Fri 17-Dec-10 15:20:31

My daughter once convinced her nursery tesacher she had had no breakfast or lunch because I had 'had too many beers at a party' and couldn't get out of bed. She told them she had walked to nursery on her own (at 4). They gave her chocolate cake.

I was actually at work and she had been to private nursery in the morning and my dad had picked her up after her lunch and dropped her at school nursery!

I was a bit hmm that they phoned her dad to check this - we are divorced. Fortunately he laughed as the party had been for his teetotal mother's birthday.

BrigitBigKnickers Fri 17-Dec-10 15:26:19

One of our pupils talked in some detail about his father's vascectomy during literacy one day.blush

His parents would be mortified!

Lucifera Fri 17-Dec-10 15:27:33

I remember my father being very annoyed, when my brother was maybe 8 or so, to read in a school essay "After tea Dad sits in an armchair picking his teeth."

ElfPantsAtMidnightMass Fri 17-Dec-10 15:37:32

playing tigers <gasps for air> grin

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 17-Dec-10 15:37:46

I remember writing in my news book of a Monday morning 'we went to the beach at the weekend and saw a portuguese man of war jellyfish and it had great big TESTICLES'

(yes in caps, obv meaning tentacles).

Underneath was a picture of said man of war, with great big massive tentacles coming out of it. Unfortunately I couldn't draw and it looked like a great big pink bollock with several willies sticking out at all angles.

The teacher pissed herself, gently corrected my spelling whilst giggling. I remember feeling HIGHLY affronted.

I remember this because obvioudly the teacher told the staff room and one of the dinner ladies knew my gran - my gran then proceeded to tell everyone. Forever. grin

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 17-Dec-10 15:42:51

x posts with the other tentacle stories.
Great thread pag.

WeirdFamily Fri 17-Dec-10 15:51:56

"wrinkly purple tits"

"playing tigers"

"Unfortunately I couldn't draw and it looked like a great big pink bollock with several willies sticking out at all angles"

OMG I think I may have given myself a hernia

DontLetTinselDragOnTheFloor Fri 17-Dec-10 15:59:15

Ah yes. I remember stating that an octopus had 8 testicles. And talking to my mother about microscopic orgasms which were really really small.

Oh god..Flashback!

Mu mum had this lovely moisturiser stuff called cyclox or something and I asked her if I could borrow her cervix!!

ElfPantsAtMidnightMass Fri 17-Dec-10 16:28:56

My friend told everyone at school that her favourite story was Rumpled Foreskin.

DontLetTinselDragOnTheFloor Fri 17-Dec-10 16:35:19

It's probably a good job DD was only 3 when I got some letters mixed up and read "We're Going on a Bear Cunt" for her bedtime story.

NutellaIsMyHeroin Fri 17-Dec-10 17:05:40

My friend has just posted a picture of a Christmas card her DS made at school. It had a picture of Santa on it, with the words "I know my mum is really Satan."

lazarusinNazareth Fri 17-Dec-10 17:05:42

School parties yesterday- a girl had knocked over her drink and was complaining to the teacher that the table was wet. He said -very loudly- 'Don't worry, it's only a wet patch, I know all about wet patches and they're nothing to worry about!'. He couldn't understand why the other teacher and I were pissing ourselves laughing!

ElfPantsAtMidnightMass Fri 17-Dec-10 17:07:14

Nutella! You must ask if you can post it on here grin

lazarusinNazareth Fri 17-Dec-10 17:37:13

Ds2 told his Year 1 teacher I gave him alcohol when he felt ill. She approached me and asked me if it was true. I was a bit flustered and then remembered- no, I give him CALPOL! Not alcohol! grin

theladylovescupcakes Fri 17-Dec-10 17:52:38

I LOVE THIS! Rumpled foreskin!!! grin I am crying with laughter and my DS is sitting going "what's funny, tell me??!!"

"I know my mum is really Satan."

ROFL!!!! grin

crazygracieuk Fri 17-Dec-10 18:06:34

My ds wrote "Mummy did stripping with the stripper." in his school diary including a pic of me holding a long tube. He had forgotten to write the critical word- wallpaper. blush

maize Fri 17-Dec-10 18:17:07

Little girl in my class wrote 'fahk you Santa from xxx'

We edited it a bit before posting it.

DD (4) has severe asthma and confused her tummy and her chest in A & E. In other words she said her tummy hurt when it was really her chest. So, we thought we should use 'proper' names for body parts. Bad move.

Last week the teacher told me that a boy pushed her in the playground, she landed on her front and DD cried, 'you hurt my vagina!' shock hmm blush

bullet234 Fri 17-Dec-10 18:45:35

1: The time that Ds1 decided an episode of Pocoyo was more exciting than his own life and wrote it up as his own. Albeit complete with picture of ill pink elephant.

2: The frequent times he insists on using his and his brother's full names, middle names and all, at every opportunity, including his Christmas Card (which was a glittery spider's web) to us.

3: The time the only thing he had to say about a holiday was that he had eaten weetabix in the caravan.

4: But he does always draw me as tall and willowy grin.

This is brilliant.

I get called Mum a lot by my students which is always amusing when its a 15/16 year old.

A few weeks ago during a lesson on the dangers of electricity one of my year 11 boys told me his Dad had accidentally wee'd on an electric fence when out fishing and got an electric shock through his penis. I am not going to be able to look him in the eye on parents evening.

MaureenMLove Fri 17-Dec-10 19:08:15

I had an e-mail from a friend just this week about these sorts of things. Not sure where she got it from, but it was simply called, 'From the Mouths of Babes' It included things like:

In the war time, children were evaporated, because it was safer in the country.

The total is when you add up all the numbers, the remainder is an animal which pulls Father Christmas on his sleigh

A mosque is just a church, the main difference is the roof is doomed.

On our holidays dad wanted to ride the hores, but mum said they were too ekpensiv.

grin

RoseMortmain Fri 17-Dec-10 20:16:32

Oh god, I've just remembered being in Y6 and having to do a talk about My Family.

I told the entire class that my dad flew fighter jets and if he got into trouble and thought he was going to crash then he had to ejaculate out of the plane.

Couldn't work out why the teacher went purple blush.

twoistwiceasmerry Fri 17-Dec-10 20:18:01

I have tears streaming down my face grin.

FrostyAndSlippery Fri 17-Dec-10 21:30:30

Brilliant!

FellatioNelson Fri 17-Dec-10 21:36:27

My friend is a teacher and she gets loads of these and salivates over them! She once told me of a boy (whose mother I vaguely knew) wrote in his diary, with accompanying illustrations, on Monday morning:

'This is mummy asleep on the sofa after she had too much drink in the pub at lunchtime. She fell on the floor'

When I went to parents evening once my son was showing me his work book while we waited to see the teacher. There was apicture of a large rectangle with what looked like about ten ants crawling on it. The caption was:

'These are my headlice. Mummy got them out and laid them on a tissue to show me.'

hmm

' I was a bridesmaid and we all had spotty tits.'

tights

Poem for Mothers Day,
"mummy, when your happy it makes me giggle,
but that's not very often because your always in a grump."

blush and sad

PMSL
I would like to point out I really have broken a bed playing tigers...really...blush

FellatioNelson Fri 17-Dec-10 21:54:37

Not a teacher thing, but my DS fell asleep in the car one time, when he was about three. I leant across trying to take him out without waking him, pressed the seatbelt to release it, and it shot up really fast and the metal buckle caught him on the eye and cut him.sad

A few days later, we were out shopping and a lady was making a fuss of him, and she said 'Ooh, what happened to your eye - that looks sore.'

He said 'Oh that - that's just where Mummy hit me with the belt while I was sleeping.'

shock

My mum was a social worker and dad a prison chaplain so if ever asked where they were I used to say 'dad's in prison and mum's in court' grin

coolma Fri 17-Dec-10 22:57:06

My eldest had to draw a picture of her 'weekend' when she was about 6 and drew me lying on a pool table with my legs in the air in the pub and her sitting on the floor with huge tears coming out of her eyes....

I was retrieving a stuck pool ball, and she had just fallen over....

gerontius Fri 17-Dec-10 23:35:38

A teacher friend once told me this one she'd had in a Science SAT.....
Question: How does a hedgehog defend itself from predators?
Child had written "it uses its prick".

Galena Sat 18-Dec-10 10:22:29

According to one of my Y5 class, Queen Victoria was married on a jeep. The video that they were making notes from had said she was married 'on the cheap'.

bramblebooks Sat 18-Dec-10 13:43:48

My niece announced to her new reception teacher that 'daddy wears a dress on sundays'.

He's a vicar.

bramblebooks Sat 18-Dec-10 13:45:38

One of my charges wrote one which had us crying..

'my mummy has dangly tits and she washes them out in the sink at weekend.'


Tights, I think too.

BrianAndHisBalls Sat 18-Dec-10 13:51:10

My dd (about 3 at the time) had an insect bite from eating a picnic at nursery outside on the grass.

She wouldn't stop picking it and it got really sore over the course of a week, much cream was added but it still looked a big red angry patch.

Nursery asked to speak to me because dd told them that it was where I'd poured a kettle of boiling water over her shock

Luckily have known nursery for a long time so it was fine but I just couldn't believe she'd said that!!

asdx2 Sat 18-Dec-10 14:32:42

When I was helping out in dd's class they had the fire fighter come in to do a fire safety talk. The undertaker's little boy announced that his daddy has a fire fighter's outfit that he wears on Saturday nights in bed to make his mummy feel safe grin
My dd brought home the Christmas card she had made at school again addressed only to me (I bet school think I'm a single parent) As an afterthought I suspect, she had an attempt at a humorous one for her daddy. On the front it said "Daddy this Christmas will be the one in your dreams, laying on the sofa...." Inside she wrote "Get up you lazy bogger!"

Opinionatedfreak Sat 18-Dec-10 14:39:41

My parents got an initial assessment visit after my sister told the school (pre Harry Potter) that she was made to sleep in the cupboard.

"The cupboard" as it became known is a small double bedroom complete with fitted wardrobe and window!

She had decided it was a "cupboard" because it was much smaller than the rooms my brother and I had.

But hey, it's shit being the youngest!

FellatioNelson Sat 18-Dec-10 15:00:01

Oh I've just thought of a corker. grin

My BIL has always had an interest in aeroplanes, particularly the Spitfires and Messershmitts that were used in WW2. He had many books and DVDs on the subject, which my little nephews loved as well. When it was Father's Day my nephew had to make his Dad a card at school. The teahcer was a bit perturbed when he decorated it all over with lovingly drawn swastikas. shock

My SIL had to explain to the teacher that her DH wasn't Nick Griffin - just a German bomber anorak. grin

TmiEdward Sat 18-Dec-10 15:08:09

One little boy in Reception came to school with Mum's pink vibrator in his bookbag.
Another girl came to school with a roll of £50 notes she'd taken from Daddy's side of the bed.

And once I was teaching a yr2 class about 3D shape. I asked them who could describe a pyramid to me?
One little girl's hand shot up. She's not normally the type to answer my questions without a lot of prompting, so I let her answer...
"I know what one of them is! My mummy has a pyramid every month!"

suzi2 Sat 18-Dec-10 15:43:44

Nothing bad here to the best of my knowledge so far!

Though my story books tell a tale! I had many stories about my mum being late and making up lies to tell my dad. They were true (still are!). My mum fostered cats and I wrote about one kitten "She gave him away just to make me cry, I'll hate her forever". My mum was heartbroken. It wasn't true (I was a bit miffed) but I knew if I got the teachers waterworks going I'd get a better mark!

My mum was handed a piece of work I did on parents evening once. It read "If I was a millionaire I'd buy..." and we had to choose things for all our family. My brothers were going to get planes and flash cars, my mum was going to get a chef. But I wrote that my Dad really wanted a stripper. (wallpaper, clearly!)

IvantaOuiOui Sat 18-Dec-10 15:44:13

One of my Brownies has a very sexy mum and hunky dad, dad works away several days a week. Brownie loves to tell us about the joyful reunion of mum and dad at weekends - "and when I went in the bedroom, Dad was wearing mum's pink frilly pants on his bum!" was one classic.

strawberrycake Sat 18-Dec-10 16:00:12

OH so many!

- a personal favourite, circle time (yr 1):
What was the first thing you heard someone say today?
Cue lots of good mornings/ pass the milk etc.
then,
'Oh well son, it looks like it'll be another fine fuck of a day' He even put on a gruff voice.

-The day (same class ) they brought in battery operated toys for a project (I was a young and naive new teacher)
Was funny though handing it back at home time!

-Show (same class in yr 2, god they were mad) 'This is a scan of a baby. My sister is having a baby. Do you remember you taught her last year (actually 2 years before) in year 6 Miss?'

-Recently (I'm the child protection officer) a child was sent to me. He said his step-dad was beating his mum and assured his teacher he'd heard it happen a few times, she was even lying on the floor once. After some questioning it dawned on me what they were really up to!

strawberrycake Sat 18-Dec-10 16:06:36

I've just remembered how I got my own parents into trouble. We moved to Wales when I was 6 and I was struggling to learn Welsh and English at the same time and mixing the words a lot, plus I had an Eastern European accent which was hard to understand. I cut my finger quite badly one morning on the butter lid (how?). I struggled to explain at school how I'd trapped my finger and told the staff 'Menyn bit me' (menyn-welsh for butter). They heard 'mummy bit me'...

AngelsfromtherealmsofgloryDog Sat 18-Dec-10 16:06:49

Some of my Y3 pupils used to pay me compliments about my appearance. I was less impressed by:

"Have you got a cold, Miss AngelDog? Your nose is all red."

"You look like you've just got out of bed, Miss." hmm

clam Sat 18-Dec-10 16:12:51

I had a 6 year old pupil once who wrote smoe interview questions for the local curate from her church. Unfortunately her adwriting was a bit dodgy, and she'd written, "when did you first start being a cunt?" and "have you always wanted to be a cunt?"

FourEyesGood Sat 18-Dec-10 16:22:29

This is nothing to do with parents, but a few years ago, one of my Year 9s wrote about the (imagined) day that Jamie Oliver visited the school to promote healthy eating. She was a bright, conscientious girl and the piece was really good, but her pen kept failing her; some parts of letters were missing. This wasn't especially funny, but I almost wet myself laughing when she wrote about how Jamie had encouraged everyone by shouting, "Hey guys! Let's get cocking!"

IndigoBell Sat 18-Dec-10 16:42:25

My DS told the Ed Psych that he attended lots of adult parties, and that he made movies but they were too violent to show anyone!

But after he locked himself in the toilets for an hour and yelled 'don't hit me' at the SENCO who was trying to get him out I was sure they were going to report me to SS....

Years ago when DH was about 10 his mum & dad took him out of school for a few weeks to go on a family holiday travelling around Europe. Part of the deal was that he and his brother had to write a holiday diary.

DH hated writing anything at all it was filled with very short sentances....until half way through the diary he went into graphic detail about the nudist beach they had seen and all the topless women who were playing volley ball and sunbathing. He even accompanied it with a very detailed drawing of a topless sunbather, the detail in the breasts was quite impressive. Bet that kept the teaching giggling for a while grin

CaveMum Sat 18-Dec-10 16:51:33

I was still am a bit of an annoying know-it-all as a child. I remember us having our first sex-ed type class aged about 8 or 9. The girls had been separated from the boys and our teacher asked us if anyone knew what a period was. Queue me sticking my hand in the air and matter of factly informing my class mates that a "period" is what American children call their school lessons grin

You can't fault me for being wrong but hell I still cringe at the thought 20 years later blush

hellsbells76 Sat 18-Dec-10 16:53:33

There was the parent's evening where DS's teacher said 'He's told me about the times you have 'sofa days' where you snuggle up under a duvet and watch films all day, how lovely' but her eyes were saying 'that's when you have a hangover, isn't it?'

Oh and the time DD answered the door to the postman one Saturday morning and announced 'Mummy was sick because she had too much wine'. Never could look him in the face after that.

Georgimama Sat 18-Dec-10 16:57:05

My nephew told his nursery that the red mark on his leg was where his nan (my mother) had slapped him.

shock

She really, really hadn't. My brother and SIL had no idea why he said it.

GrimmaTheNome Sat 18-Dec-10 16:59:39

Fortunately in a letter to her ex-nanny not schoolwork, but when we got our current dog she wrote about him, explaining that this one hadn't been 'newted', unlike the dog the nanny had known. Complete with diagrams, of course.

sephrenia Sat 18-Dec-10 17:03:55

When I was in year 10, I used to babysit my two brothers for my mum so she could work overtime and as payment, got 10 cigarettes a week. This worked fairly well and I babysat for months.

One day however, it went wrong. Mum had bought the cigarettes for me as usual and had sat on the sofa in the living room behind me and started peeling vegetables for tea.

At this point she decided to snatch the cigarettes from me for a laugh while taking a break from peeling. I was trying to snatch them back and she was trying to stop me and we were both giggling madly. We both forgot that she still had the vegetable knife in her hand though and as I reached for the cigarettes, she tried to push my hand away....with the hand she was holding the knife in.

Mum went white, I howled and I swear I've never seen her move that fast either before or since. Needless to say, she hit the first aid kit at light speed and soon enough, I had a rather oversized plaster on my arm for what was, in reality, only a small cut. I didn't mind though because I got loads of ice-cream that night as an apology.

Next day I was at school and it was P.E and inevitably, the teacher saw the plaster and asked what happened to get it.

Without thinking I replied, "I tried to get the cigs off mum and she stabbed me."

As the teacher turned purple I realised what I'd said and tried to explain but it was a little late by then and social services were called. It was all straightened out in the end but I've never let her live it down and still win arguments by saying, "you may have done that but you stabbed me so I win"

Needless to say, I never babysat for my brothers again grin

Georgimama Sat 18-Dec-10 17:11:52

Your mother paid you in cigarettes?

shock
shock

I think you may have misunderstood this thread - everyone else's parents hadn't actually done anything wrong....

'my mummy says she wants to be in prison.'
me - 'oh, erm, OK. Gosh (etc etc)
'she says even murderers in prison get to eat their breakfast in peace.'
god how I empathised with that woman.

sephrenia Sat 18-Dec-10 17:16:56

I guess I did. I'll get that post removed.

sephrenia PLEASE don't feel you have to get it removed....
I don't really see why you should censor your experience, if you wanted to share it.

ValiumShimmer Sat 18-Dec-10 17:24:52

Sephrenia, I like your story! Being paid in cigarettes if you KNOW your teenager smokes, well, I've heard of worse parenting failures tbh!!!

When I was doing a school exam one of the questions in biology paper was to draw the male reproductive organs. I drew it erect and I couldn't understand why invigilators were laughing and walking up and down past my desk. I think I had everything correctly wired up and correctly labelled though.

I think that's a funny story Sephrenia. Lesson learned, never play-fight while holding a knife!

sephrenia Sat 18-Dec-10 17:32:03

harpsichordcarrier - We've always been a very physical kind of family and playfighting was always kinda rough and it was purely an accident and it's something that my mum and I still giggle over because of how I said it to the teacher even though to us, it really wasn't a big deal.

And yes Georgimama she paid me with them. She had to work 16 hours a day, had nobody else to turn to that she could trust with us while managing to avoid my biological father who beat the heck out of her for 7 years and was still hunting for us. She couldn't afford a proper babysitter and so I stepped up and was happy to do it.

What's so shocking about a 15 year old babysitting for cigs anyway? It's not like most people my age weren't smoking or anything and I was a darn sight cheaper than a registered babysitter.

sepherina don't have it deleted, I thought it was a fab story! My father bought me cigs when I was 15, used to let me smoke in the house too.

sephrenia Sat 18-Dec-10 17:35:45

valiumshimmer My mum knew I smoked and knew from when I was 13. She tried to put me off smoking by getting me to smoke a pack of cigars without being sick and said if I was determined enough to do that, then I had the right to make the choice to continue with it. I smoked them and so she decided that rather than have me going begging strangers to buy them for me, she would bargain with me instead so we both got something.

TrillianAstra very true!

Georgimama Sat 18-Dec-10 17:36:27

Your mother giving you cigarettes is shocking. Giving you £2 for babysitting would not be, giving you fags is. My judgy pants are sitting quite comfortably on my fat arse on this subject.

sephrenia Sat 18-Dec-10 17:41:40

I guess this is one area where we won't agree then Georgimama. I didn't want £2, I wanted cigarettes and to be given the £2 in cash would have felt insulting whereas having the cigarettes meant she was treating me as the adult I was becoming which, at 15, means the world.

"'my mummy says she wants to be in prison.'
me - 'oh, erm, OK. Gosh (etc etc)
'she says even murderers in prison get to eat their breakfast in peace.'
god how I empathised with that woman."

PMSL

TheYuleLogLady Sat 18-Dec-10 18:01:48

Helping at playgroup: Small boy in the loo:

'DDsMum - I have a small willy. it's a nice willy but it is small.'

Me; 'um, yes dear'

Smallboy: ' yes it is small. nice and soft but small. my daddy has a big willy. really big. do you think mine will be be big when i'm big like daddy'?

Me: 'hmmm, yes dear'

TheYuleLogLady Sat 18-Dec-10 18:02:37

DD2 alos told her reception teacher I was in a band and was on the TV singing grin

BrandyButterPie Sat 18-Dec-10 18:09:33

DD1 likes to pull her top up and say "do you like my boobies? They are little boobies. Mummy has big boobies." It is actually quite funny to see people's reaction to that one, lol.

She also decided that tonight, while my daily mail reading auntie and uncle in law were visiting, was the time to ask why she couldn't marry her sister, because ladies do sometimes marry ladies and mummy and daddy already lived in the same house when thay got married.

Sigh.

Lynli Sat 18-Dec-10 18:10:35

Sephrenia, your post says you were 10.

yr 10, so 15/16? 16 was the legal age to smoke up until a few years ago. hardly shocking

No, it says she was in year 10. Read the post properly.

lunli, says year 10.

blackcoffee Sat 18-Dec-10 18:12:53

YEAR 10

PixieOnaLeaf Sat 18-Dec-10 18:16:31

Message withdrawn

PixieOnaLeaf Sat 18-Dec-10 18:18:11

Message withdrawn

Georgimama Sat 18-Dec-10 18:20:04

Which is 14/15, not 15/16. I used to be a teenager, I've heard much worse already. It's still pretty crap. Of course you can think of worse things. So what?

PixieOnaLeaf Sat 18-Dec-10 18:22:04

Message withdrawn

DontLetTinselDragOnTheFloor Sat 18-Dec-10 18:22:35

Yay! Way to go, ruining a hilarious thread by being judgy. hmm

But it's just her story, not a cue for judging.
Really, what it gained by all standing and pointing (virtually) at serephina and going (effectively) YOUR MUM WAS A RUBBISH MUM!
Seriously, I don't see the motivation for it.

PixieOnaLeaf Sat 18-Dec-10 18:22:54

Message withdrawn

I have to admit I agree - not keen on the thought of parents encouraging their teenagers to smoke. I think disapproving acceptance is one thing but handing them cigarettes is another.

Georgimama Sat 18-Dec-10 18:23:39

I'm quite happy thinking it is shit to give a 15 year old fags even if that makes me "tight arsed and boring".

<thanks Christ did not have, and is not, a "cool" parent>

harpsi - not all, just 2 of us so far

DontLetTinselDragOnTheFloor Sat 18-Dec-10 18:27:33

As it happens, i don't agree with the action but this thread is not the place to jump down someones throat, judging, when they are relating a funny story.

sorry, sephrenia blush
I think just because someone else's family circumstances weren't the same as yours is not a reason to try to pressure someone inot note sharing their story, is it?

How do you think it sits to tell someone that you are'shocked' by what was, clearly, a light-hearted story from a clearly loving family in (it turns out) fricking difficult circumstances. how do you think that kind of reaction makes sephrenia feel, really?
Sorry I know I sound patronising.

There is no 'only cosy childhood stories' rule on mumsnet afaik.

PixieOnaLeaf Sat 18-Dec-10 18:28:01

Message withdrawn

Georgimama Sat 18-Dec-10 18:31:41

Her mum giving her fags in return for babysitting actually has nothing to do with the domestic circumstances, does it? I can take anyone's "fricking difficult circumstances" childhood stories and match them, believe me.

And you're right, you do sound patronising.

Georgimama Sat 18-Dec-10 18:32:18

Oh diddums Pixie, that will keep me awake, I'm sure.

WilfShelf Sat 18-Dec-10 18:33:15

Look here, pag's excellent thread has been put in Classics. How about making an exception to the MN rule and taking the judging off to another thread so it can stay just FECKING FUNNY?

I remember getting an email once from my MIL. It was about a picture that had been drawn by a 6 year old (I believe) the woman appeared to be pole dancing and men were all crowded around holding out £5 notes. The child in question had been asked to draw what his mummy did for a living.

It turned out that the mum actually worked in a DIY shop and due to the recent snow she'd told her DS about all the men coming in to buy spades grin

sphil Sat 18-Dec-10 18:42:00

Ahem - hopefully this will return thread to funny

My friend was working as a primary school teacher and doing circle time, when a small boy proceeded to tell the entire class how he had woken up in the night and gone in to his Mum's bedroom to ask for a drink.
" And it was really funny because my Mum's boyfriend was there and she was sitting on his head!"
grin

WilfShelf Sat 18-Dec-10 18:42:32

heh heh excellent drawing (and diversion) Normasknockers...

GraceAwayInAManger Sat 18-Dec-10 18:44:32

"When I come from school the dog and cat come to say hello. I put my things on the table and mum shouts at me. We have some tea. Dad rolls a spliff after tea and we watch TV. I have some beer and go to sleep on the sofa."

~ My sister's eldest, age 8 shock
What he wrote wasn't untrue, but he missed out several very important factors that managed to keep him healthy & educated! I'm still amazed they didn't have welfare people knocking on the door the next evening ... He's 18 now, and gorgeous.

lazarusinNazareth Sat 18-Dec-10 18:47:12

Hee hee grin Loving (most of) this thread grin

kid Sat 18-Dec-10 18:47:48

my son did a lovely picture in his book with a caption underneath.
He had written 'me, my mum and my dead dog' and the picture showed me and DS along with a dog laying on his back with his legs up in the air!

Our dog had been PTS 5 months earlier.

Over40 Sat 18-Dec-10 18:50:55

My exMIL is a hairdresser but does it from home. Long ago, her daughter, when at primary school, kept on laddering her tights and the school said they would ring mum and get her to bring some new ones. The child, knowing that she would get it in the neck for ruining ANOTHER pair of tights....(this was an on going issue!!) was horrified and said "but.... but... you can't ring.... Mummy has her "clients" in!". Now this was a long time ago... long before it was common to work from home. Her brother (my exH) had to be called in to decode and reassure the school that mum was not a lady of easy virtue.....!

minderjinx Sat 18-Dec-10 18:52:06

My MIL commented on the fact that my husband only drives occasionally (at weekends) and asked if he was losing his driving skills. I said oh no he is a good driver, though he does speed.

My four year old's faithfully recorded at school "Daddy does speed, but only at the weekend"

euracantha Sat 18-Dec-10 18:53:08

I had twenty three and four year olds at circle time We were talking about fathers day which was on that weekend remember to give your daddy the card you`ve made for him .One little boy stood up`will you make sure you give daddy the card,`Iwill`
`good`
`Miss `
`Yes`
`Do you know my daddy has a very furry willy!`

minderjinx Sat 18-Dec-10 18:55:44

...my four year old's news...

annbenoli Sat 18-Dec-10 19:11:19

I am a teacher and once I put the word symmetry on the board and asked the children if anyone knew what it meant (year 1). One little girl called Kimberley put up her hand. Is it where you take flowers to dead people miss?

grin

HopeForTheJingleBells Sat 18-Dec-10 19:42:54

Oh this thread has cheered me right up!
Have no stories of my own to add, but am v. much enjoying everyone else's.

It's reminded me of that other MN thread from quite a while ago where everyone was recounting embarrassing things their dc had said and the one that always sticks in my mind was the one where MNer and dc were on bus, when dc suddenly points "Mum! Mum! Look! IT'S THE PUB!" in excited voice and then a moment later "Oh no. It's closed."
I think I actually wet myself when reading that.
Does anyone know if the thread is still lurking around anywhere? I've tried searching for it but to no avail...there were some fabulous stories on there too

begonyabampot Sat 18-Dec-10 20:04:15

Got Ds's diary home and he had written about the family.

My little brother is lovely and we call him Little Bear with the curly hair.

My dad takes me to the park and we have fun (very rarely actually).

My mummy goes to the pub a lot.

begonyabampot Sat 18-Dec-10 20:07:40

we were in an International school and on his photo profile in the hallway it had their name, nationality, fav colour etc.

had a closer look and Home was under Sweden! Sweden - we're from Swindon FFS!

OneTwoBaubleMySanta Sat 18-Dec-10 20:16:33

My best one as a child was when I was about 7 and we were talking about what our fathers did for a living. I had asked Dad the night before in preparation and he said that if he told me he'd have to kill me. I faithfully relayed this the next day and insisted that it was true. They called Mum in who told them it was true, no one really knew what Dad did because it was top secret military work.

Everyone thought tgat my Dad was James Bond after that and my teachers were desperate to meet him! He's actually an arenautical engineer.

OneTwoBaubleMySanta Sat 18-Dec-10 20:17:32

That*

Aeronautical*

TigerseyeMum Sat 18-Dec-10 20:27:59

Nothing interesting from when I was a teacher, but my nephew, who is on the autistic spectrum, had just discovered nipples the last time we all went out to dinner as a family. He spent a lot of time in the restaurant shouting loudly about how we all had nipples but that they were useless as they didn't do anything, and then proceded to show his grandparents his own nipples by standing up and unbuttoning his shirt so he could show them both off at the same time grin

They were very blush blush and he thought it was hilarious wink

HopeForTheJingleBells Sat 18-Dec-10 20:32:18

had a closer look and Home was under Sweden! Sweden - we're from Swindon FFS!
PMSL begonyabampot

Nickoka Sat 18-Dec-10 20:59:19

A festive one...

My friend who is a teacher was asked by a kid how to spell 'cheeses'. She thought it was a bit strange, but spelt it out for him.

Later she read in his story about little baby Cheeses in the manger. grin

Parly Sat 18-Dec-10 21:07:14

When my daughter was about six years old, it bucketed down with snow - similar to what it's like at the minute and, given her age and the fact she'd never seen snow like it, I let her have the day off. I blatantly lied and told school I couldn't drive anywhere due to treacherous conditions blah blah blah.

The following week it was parents evening and her teacher opened up the page and pointed out what my daughter wrote just a few days earlier.

"Yesterday, my Mum let me stay at home just so we could make a snowman"

BUSTED.

However, nobody to date has topped what my eldest brother told his teachers - that my other brother was dead. The entire school prayed for our John for two days before learning the truth.

used2bthin Sat 18-Dec-10 21:08:39

These are so funny. I remember a girl in the room I worked in as a nursery nurse saying very importantly after drawing a picture for her daddy "my daddy has a very hairy bottom"

FellatioNelson Sat 18-Dec-10 21:16:47

Furry willy? confused shock Jeez. Now that's something I've never yet seen.

amistillsexy Sat 18-Dec-10 21:16:59

Doing portraits of friends in art (Y3).
I was discussing skin tones with a little girl who was of mixed parentage. She stroked her own arm lovingly and said 'Yes, miss, because my skin is sort of like the colour of warm honey, isn't it?...' then she poked my arm 'and yours is more like a sort of putty colour, isn't it?' Sadly, I had to agree! hmm

ValiumShimmer Sat 18-Dec-10 21:23:33

My daughter announced that she knew what mummy's favourite wine was. I thought, oh hear we go, she's going to sa sauvignon blanc, and that's mildly embarrassing but big deal I guess. NO!!! she said mummy's favourite wine that she ALWAYS drinks is house white.

Good job there's a recession on, people nodded sagely. grin

ValiumShimmer Sat 18-Dec-10 21:24:42

lol at putty! Mine is Tipp-Ex pale blue for basildon bond myself.

minderjinx Sat 18-Dec-10 21:34:38

Oh the house white reference reminded me of another precious moment: We were in a restaurant and my son (4) asked what sort of soup was available and I said you should ask the waiter. So he asked "what sort of soup do you have?" and the waiter said "Let me see...soup of the day..." and my son said "Oh good, that's my favourite!"

FellatioNelson Sat 18-Dec-10 21:44:20

Arf!

Sputnik Sat 18-Dec-10 21:44:56

My DD's year 2 class were being quizzed on what their parents do, and she said "my Mum spends all day on Mumsnet" [cringe].
I don't, honestly I don't! I do work from home on the computer sometimes though.
DH has often joked I am mumsnetting all day, I could've slapped him!

Parly Sat 18-Dec-10 21:53:18

"Mum beats Dad all the time but she says I've not to mention it to him cos he gets embarrassed"

The poor teacher had to probe a bit more to make sure it wasn't as it sounded and then thought it hilarious to share with me at the end of the day.

"I believe you're quite good at playing Scrabble Parly?"

"Erm.. not too bad. Why?"

"Well..............."

blush

QueenSconetta Sat 18-Dec-10 22:04:06

I wrote a poem about dinosaurs in about P2 which included the line 'bashing and bonking each other all day'. Oh dear oh dear.

bloomingnora Sat 18-Dec-10 22:07:15

DD told her teacher in reception that 'Daddy works at the Home Office'. Yes, you've guessed it, it was our spare room. He has changed job now and has a long commute. DD has the same teacher this year and has told her that 'Mummy is very tired and sad because Daddy has left us and gone to work in xxxx' . She neglected to mention that Daddy does in fact come back every day.... I was wondering why I kept getting really sympathetic looks and head tilts from her and the TAs....

On a Christmassy note, I spent twenty minutes at work last week trying to persuade a girl with EAL that the song goes 'and all the angels sang for him' not 'asians'.

Also had a child come in to school really late the other day and tell me that mummy had said he could bunk off if he liked but that he had persuaded her to get out of bed and bring him in. I was very proud of him.

flinginghasflung Sat 18-Dec-10 22:08:03

My DD isn't at school yet, but told DS teacher this week that "she needed a wee from her willy, because it's freezing teacher. think we need some anatomical chats in our house.

dolcegusto Sat 18-Dec-10 22:31:13

Apparently when I was about 5, I wrote in my news book:

when my daddy goes to the toilet he stands up except when he's tired and then he sits down

GraceAwayInAManger Sat 18-Dec-10 22:54:34

Aw, doesn't this thread work out your smiley muscles? smile

I'm loving baby Cheeses watched over by Asians! More, please!

MammyG Sat 18-Dec-10 22:59:09

One child told me that morning the dog jumped up and bit his dad on the willy. Boy next to him calmly explained 'He probably thought it was a sausage!'
One girl told me she didnt say those prayers because she is a prostitant!

Walking thru town a week ago, past a lingerie shop and DS1 shouts back to me - Look mommy they are like the things you hold your boobies in!!
Just gotta love em!

When ds2 was in nursery his teacher pulled me to one side one morning ......smiling she asked me what 'happened' in our house every morning?
confused I asked why??

grin she explained with a grin every morning ds2 went into class smacked her on the bottom and said 'mornin' darling'.......blush I had to admit yes thats what Dh did in the morning to me.

did is the word 10 years on and all he wants in a morning is his tea and toast hmm.

flippinggorgeous Sat 18-Dec-10 23:15:08

A girl in my class wanted to be the prostitute when we were playing football once. This involved standing on the sidelines and joining the game if someone was injured. Stuck in my mind lol.

smilingserenely Sat 18-Dec-10 23:16:07

did n't know whether to laugh or cry when i was pulled aside after school by dd then aged 4 teacher .dd had told her that she and daddy had been reading the "adult magazine daddy reads in the toilet" , on questioning dd she revealed it was the one with all the presents in as she wanted to write her christmas list . i can no longer look at the argos catalogue without cringing .

as a 5 year old i told my teacher my mum wasn't a christian because she wouldn' let me jump on the couch . my rational being that in the song it said i am the lord of the dance settee .

when asked to name a biblical character , i named bertie basset as the prayer said in allsorts (all assaults) of our enemy and if there were allsorts thaen bertie must be there 2 . i was only 3.

Love the bum smacking.

I went to pick up my niece once who I was going to look after for the weekend. I'd stopped to buy my daughter and myself a drink and when we got there she told everyone that:

I'd bought her some orange juice, some water for her cousing and that I had already finished my bottle of wine blush

It was diet coke - she'd got muddled up with the drinks she wasn't allowed. The inlaws didn't seem that keen on me taking her in the car though!

PublicHair Sat 18-Dec-10 23:29:20

i was ten when my sister was born,i repeated all i'd heard. weight,name and 'she had a lot of stitches' in my news about the baby at carpet time. grin

GraceAwayInAManger Sat 18-Dec-10 23:35:51

Oh, crumbs, yes, PublicHair (nice name!) - the look of utter horror on my (childless) teacher's face when I wrote the story of the Nativity soon after my sister's very difficult birth. Poor Mary went through every tribulation I'd heard the grown-ups discussing during Mum's labour blush

Mrs S did go on to have a son, but I bet she delayed ttc longer than she meant to ...

GraceAwayInAManger Sat 18-Dec-10 23:37:36

... iirc, one of the Wise men acted as obstetrician grin

mssoul Sat 18-Dec-10 23:44:31

My big brother, aged 4 or 5, wrote in his news book, 'My granny died last night'. On the opposite page there was a picture of her sitting up in bed with a big smile on her face grin

bandgeek Sat 18-Dec-10 23:50:12

These are fantastic! The dad sitting on the armchair picking his teeth had me in hysterics!

I used to cringe when I went to pick DD up from nursery when she was 2 or 3 as the nursery nurses were always eager to tell me what she had been saying that day. Highlights include how mummy drinks too much wine, daddy likes beers and pizza, daddy kicked her( hmm ) and she also told Santa Claus that mummy hits her round the head! It's a wonder I've not been paid a visit by social services...

I also remember writing an essay for Higher English when I was about 16 and describing how I'd went to watch Jools Holland in concert, and how mighty impressed I'd been when each of the band members stepped to the front of the stage to display their enormous talent. My English teacher found it very amusing but made me change it grin

DD1 is in nursery, and has been practising her carol singing all weekend. So apparently Ali's in a manger with no crisps for a bed. grin

confuddledDOTcom Sun 19-Dec-10 00:04:20

When my OH was baptised our eldest got it into her head that Daddy was going to be drowned. Not sure where that came from as she'd never seen a baptism before. She was also asking if Grandpa (my grandad) was going to be drowned as well (he was helping at the service).

Mum took her to school the next day and we decided it was best she explained to the teachers what had happened before she upset anyone.

Mum: I need to tell you something before Eldest says anything.
Eldest: Daddy drowned on Sunday grin
Teacher's hand flew to her mouth, she gasped and turned white.
Mum: No, no, it's OK, he hasn't drowned! He was baptised on Sunday and Eldest has been calling it drowning.
She then had to comfort the poor teacher who was in shock!

GraceAwayInAManger Sun 19-Dec-10 00:11:36

The Christmas story now features baby cheeses Ali, no crisps for a bed, being watched over by Asians ...

There's a pleasantly multicultural theme emerging here, I feel ... grin

GetOrfMoiLand Sun 19-Dec-10 00:32:36

I think the Sweden/Swindon confusion is fantastic

And "I am a teacher and once I put the word symmetry on the board and asked the children if anyone knew what it meant (year 1). One little girl called Kimberley put up her hand. Is it where you take flowers to dead people miss?"

For some reason the thing that makes me laugh about that is the name Kimberley

grin

At one place I worked the ordering system was outsourced to Swindon and I thought it was Sweden for about a month.

Have I mentioned how much I love GetOrf recently?

MrsHende Sun 19-Dec-10 07:39:17

I teach primary 4 and we were writing descriptions of Santa's workshop last week.

One piece spoke about the 'noisy machines making toys', 'the elves singing', 'the sparkling Christmas lights and Santa and Mrs Claus making love'!!

(the next line said 'Christmas trees' so I'm hoping the boy meant 'Santa and Mrs Claus making LOVELY Christmas trees'!)

pagwatch Sun 19-Dec-10 08:23:19

Oh god, just caught up with this, some fab ones. I love ' even murderers get to eat breakfast in peace'...

Dd was talking in year one about the differences in the seasons and added helpfully that in winter it is 'wineoclock' but in summer it is 'pimmsoclock'.

santagotstuckuptheCHIMCHARney Sun 19-Dec-10 09:22:19

brilliant thread!

i work in a school for teenage boys with EBD.

one lad was making a card for his mum. he said "miss..how do you spell violence?" i, a bit concerned, asked why he wanted to write violence in a card for his mum..."roses are red, violence are blue..."

another time, we were discussing water cycles and condensation.... he knew what condensation was..its what you get when you fall over and sue the council!!!

to a teacher "fuck off you paedophile" teacher says "do you know what a paedophile is?" kid says "yeah, its a dinosaur!"

my fave was just last week..we were saying we would be having a sing song of some carols... kid pipes up..."oh! i LOVE that one (and sings loudly) 'on the first day of christmas, my mother gave to meeeeee!'"

grin

cazzybabs Sun 19-Dec-10 09:29:59

My mum was doing circle time with a class at her school discussing that the children had been doing at the weekend. It was all going well til some little boy told her hr had been robbing with his dad and they had got a lawn mower from the vicar's shed

Oh im loving these.....we had another 'funny' last night .....ds2 has got a new ipod,raving about its applications he announces its got a 'paedometer' and he has been checking it all day so he doesnt believe there are a lot of paedophiles where we live hmm.....anyway I look at it out of curiousity and its a bloomin'*pedometer* gringrin.....ds2 is 15 and v embarrased about this - so dont tell anyone ...

DontLetTinselDragOnTheFloor Sun 19-Dec-10 10:43:39

Oh god.. 'paedometer'.... I'm cryng!

DontLetTinselDragOnTheFloor Sun 19-Dec-10 10:44:29

"no DS2 of course vie not told anyone. Well, no one except a thousand or so random people on the Internet..."

TrickyWoo Sun 19-Dec-10 10:45:53

Seraphina's mum can't have been all that bad... They were having fresh veg for tea after all! We had potato waffles mostly iirc!

dontlet - I know im still laughing about it now!!!.

DontLetTinselDragOnTheFloor Sun 19-Dec-10 10:53:35

I'm so glad to know they're still doing this stuff at 15

whensitgunnahappen Sun 19-Dec-10 11:52:58

I still have a piece of work I did when I was a bout 6. My dad was ill and in hospital and was in a 2 bed room on a male ward. I drew a lovely picture with the sentence "went to see daddy today, he's in bed with another man"....

Clarabumps Sun 19-Dec-10 12:31:32

in primary three at catholic school i was asked to give examples of what you would do when someone was sick(ill- the answer they wanted was to pray for them, help around the house etc.) my answer was "get a basin"

ValiumShimmer Sun 19-Dec-10 12:35:20

lol. practical tho, more use than a prayer tbh!

Clarabumps Sun 19-Dec-10 15:40:40

i'd like to think so.. nowt to so with my mother having a hangover the previous week! love this thread!!

escapeartist Sun 19-Dec-10 17:13:01

I had a little boy tell me how his dad wore mum's underwear and ran around the house... Wasn't quite sure what he meant, but both me and assistant tried to show any surprise... (until we went to th staff room)

Was also told that "my mum and dad do the sexy a lot"by a 7 year old and when another one went "ewwww" in disgust he turned to her and said: "Your parents did the sexy too, you know. Twice, for you and your brother!" grin

The best was however, when I worked in reception... with 4 and 5 year olds. I asked for daddy's name and the little girl insisted her dad's name was "Dad". Then someone else said: "Yes, but what does your mummy call him, that's his real name." To which she answered: "Cuddles" Very cute.

And... showing a picture of some reindeer and asking the kids what they were, one of the little ones brightly said: F****ing deer! Again I avoided my assistant's eyes and the class didn't bat an eyelid. That afternoon at pick up time I told the mum in question who proceeded to get v angry with her husband, for swearing in the car when driving through the park! grin

Hoping my kids will keep teachers entertained with less offensive incidents...

TooImmature2BMum Sun 19-Dec-10 17:57:45

Mum was mortified to go to her first parents' evening when I was five and be greeted with a picture I had drawn showing Dad and my uncle doing wee wees out of trees onto their sister...Dad (for some reason best known to himself) had told me this story about Bad Things He Did When He Was Little. I was greatly impressed and decided to immortalise it in Art.

BubbaAndBump Sun 19-Dec-10 18:14:47

I still laugh when I think of my rather straight-laced friend who, in an RE lesson aged about 15, answered the question of "and what did Mohammed do on the hill at sunset?" - instead of Mohammed meditated on the hill, by saying; "Mohammed masturbated on the hill"

Absolutely classic, the rest of the class fell about in tears of laughter while my friend and the teacher tried to pretend she'd given the correct answer and continued on as normal!!

These stories are just brilliant - my sides ache from laughing so much. Thanks everyone and keep them coming x

FellatioNelson Sun 19-Dec-10 18:52:43

In my next life, when I have children I am DEFINITELY home-educating them, and gagging them when out in public.

PublicHair Sun 19-Dec-10 18:56:22

dd1 rang sobbing from school one lunchtime to say her food tech ingredients had been confiscated. She'd picked up the wrong carrier bag from the hallway and instead of taking the ingredients for a fruit salad had rocked up at school with a bottle of cointreau and 1000 marlboro lights...grin
she's still called Katie Cointreau at school years later.

FellatioNelson Sun 19-Dec-10 19:01:03

I bet the teacher confiscated it. hmm Good times were had in the staff room that day, I'll wager!

PublicHair Sun 19-Dec-10 19:03:18

i had to go to school (to collect my duty freesand drop off kiwi fruits,melon etc etc.
the office staff were pissing themselves laughing.

lololizzy Sun 19-Dec-10 19:29:34

My dad was a fireman and i loved watching him build some huge bonfires... I informed my mother that i wanted to be a nymphomaniac (pyromaniac) when i grew up...

ilsalund Sun 19-Dec-10 20:14:11

My class were drawing pictures of themselves doing hobbies/out of school activities.

As I walked around the class chatting to the children I did a double take. One girl had drawn herself (head and shoulders) holiding what appeared to be a huge anatomically correct erect penis to her lips.

As I stood there frantically thinking about how to best deal with the situation (child protection issues running through my head) the LSA (who could see what I was thinking) said 'hasn't Lucy done a lovely picture of herself singing kareoke'

Quattrocento Sun 19-Dec-10 20:26:18

Raised eyebrows at carpet time when DS informed the class that I had 'buggered off to Shanghai for three weeks'.

rostbeef Sun 19-Dec-10 20:52:07

A friend's little girl said VERY loudly in the swimming pool family changing room: "Daddy daddy do that thing where you tuck your willy between your legs and pretend to be a girl!" she said the silence was deafening.

BitOfFun Sun 19-Dec-10 21:10:28

Rostbeef, that is HILARIOUS grin

bloomingnora Sun 19-Dec-10 21:20:16

When we started our Myths and Legends topic, we asked the class if anyone knew what a Legend was. A girl raised her hand and said "Is it an album by Bob Marley?"

lazarusinNazareth Sun 19-Dec-10 21:43:10

bloomingnora- what a cool kid though! grin

bloomingnora Sun 19-Dec-10 22:02:27

Very cool! She did rather ruin it later that morning by asking us whether the green troll we were using as an example of characterisation did lots of recycling....

Ponders Sun 19-Dec-10 22:03:47

arf at rolling penis & wrinkly purple tits

(am only 1/3 of the way through atm but had to get that in grin)

bloomingnora Sun 19-Dec-10 22:04:19

And I've just rememebered that my friend is currently immortalised on the wall of her son's school with enormous circular breasts!

MammyG Sun 19-Dec-10 22:13:26

Oh God we should keep this thread going for ever - nightly comedy - my sides are sore.
Rostbeef - nearly got sick laughing!!

My son told me the stones outside our house are 'fecking stones' and are different to other stones. (DH keeps telling him to stop throwing those fecking stones at the car!)

He told his teacher that baby Jesus is up in our attic and mommy will let him down at xmas!

bakingtray Sun 19-Dec-10 22:52:53

On the wall at the school was a description of the mums. My 8 year DS had written that I had blonde hair with a black stripe down the middle. My roots must have been needing done!

dementedma Sun 19-Dec-10 22:54:01

my older brother had to describe his mummy. he wrote "my mummy is little and fat. She drinks brandy and smokes cigarettes". All true, but she has never forgiven him and he's 50 next year!

SevenAgainstThebes Sun 19-Dec-10 23:05:16

I once sat in through a maths lesson at school in absolute agony while the teacher quietly explained surds to my best friend, who was sitting next to me (she'd missed the previous lesson). Unfortunately my friend misheard what they were called, and for ten minutes I sat there wildly attempting to suppress bellows of laughter while she innocently discussed scatology rather than maths. I did risk one glance at the teacher and her mouth looked distinctly strained, but otherwise she was a stronger woman than I was.

The best bit was informing my friend what she'd done. At first she didn't believe me - then that look of gradually dawning horror...priceless.

ToriaPumpkinHead Sun 19-Dec-10 23:07:31

Loving the baby Cheeses and Katie Cointreau grin

I also made the nymphomaniac/pyromaniac mistake, only to my guide leader, and I actually told her that my mum said I was a nymphomaniac, she stood and looked at me for a good ten seconds before she could think up a reponse.

A Christmas one from when I was teaching, it was on placement so the children would have been Primary 3, and we were preparing for the Christmas Concert. Cue one little lad very proudly singing "Gloria, Hosannah headache Chelsea!"

walkinginaWUKTERwonderland Sun 19-Dec-10 23:09:42

My sis told the teacher that Daddy had a great weekend - he got to go to a party AND he got to camp downstairs in the living room.

AngryPixie Sun 19-Dec-10 23:40:28

In my first year of teaching a child came in and told me that his Dad had taken him to a church in the middle of the night, and it was full of grown ups he didn't know, and there was blood everywhere. I wrote it down word for word and rushed to see the child protection officer, images of satanic rituals buzzing round my head.

She burst out laughing, because she had seen this particular child at the church the previous evening (about 6pm) because she was donating blood there, as was his father!

blush

MamaMimi Sun 19-Dec-10 23:40:29

One of my charges, when he was in Yr2, wrote in his news book 'my daddy had an operation on his willy'!!
Yep, he'd been for the snip the week before.

confuddledDOTcom Mon 20-Dec-10 00:03:14

I remember my careers teacher at school talking to us and telling us how he'd had a girl come to see him with her parents during parents evening and tell him she wanted to get into soliciting...

westlake Mon 20-Dec-10 01:03:44

At my careers evening my dad and teacher went all funny when i responded to "so what to you want to do when you leave school" and I said "I want to go into soliciting"

I didn't get it all the way home, and dad refused to explain.
I am now fully aware thanks people, and very embarrassed.

Unwind Mon 20-Dec-10 01:11:58

Surely pyromania is more of a worry than nymphomania confused

At a family gathering, DD aged three announced to DH's sister and three brothers, "The difference between mommy and daddy is that daddy has a pencil on his front."

DH gibbered a bit. Although I would never tell it to his siblings, he is quite generously endowed. At the time I just snickered at the horrible teasing he endured grin

soccerwidow Mon 20-Dec-10 08:53:31

My Reception class a few years back...

"Annie's Daddy had a sleep over at my house last night"

"My Mummy isn't Daddy's friend anymore - he has to sleep at Nannys house because Mummy saw him kissing Billy's Mummy"

This was the SAME Dad! and they are still on/off now - about 5 years later! I really don't know why some people do it to themselves!

Another time a Year Two child asked me,
"How to you spell PONCE?"

I was thinking all sorts when I asked her "What is the rest of your sentence?"

"Once, ponce a time"

soccerwidow Mon 20-Dec-10 08:57:44

oh and my own lovely DS only last week!

I was picking him up from nursery, he saw me then shouted, in front of his teacher...

"Hello Mummy, don't smack me Mummy, You Smack me ALL the day."

for the record - I never smack although my DH sometimes does (slight bone of contention)

VivianDarkbloom Mon 20-Dec-10 15:51:29

"Daddy has a pencil on his front" grin

confuddledDOTcom Mon 20-Dec-10 19:40:17

westlake, how old are you and where are you from? Would be funny if it's the same story!

westlake Mon 20-Dec-10 20:01:31

OMG I didn't see your post lol! It was 1991 and in Grimsby.... how absolutely weird is that!!!!

dementedma Mon 20-Dec-10 20:04:07

a teacher friend of mine became concerned when a little girl in her class was obviously very tired because she says "Daddy has been coming into my bed and sleeping with me"
When gently questioned as to why Daddy sometimes slept in her bed she replied "because mummy farts a lot and it smells horrible!"

melezka Mon 20-Dec-10 20:08:40

Mimi, when DD was about 3 she stood in a queue in Boots, holding people back on either side, saying (over and over) "Careful...Daddy willy sore" (same reason)

confuddledDOTcom Mon 20-Dec-10 20:57:21

Not the same person then! This would have been a few years later and a different area.

Our careers teacher was telling us to know what we're talking about when going for an interview as obviously that's not something you'd want to say to an interviewer!

lololizzy Tue 21-Dec-10 00:30:08

ha well done Toria', glad it wasn't just me!
blush

Ria28 Wed 29-Dec-10 08:01:36

When I was 6 I told my teacher all about my grandad the pirate blush - not my fault, that's what he and my dm told me, he thought it was more interesting than naval officer!

Antalya1 Sat 01-Jan-11 17:14:19

A few years ago, youngest ds, who was about 7 at the time, was in the school football team, one winter Saturday morning all parents and boys gathered and took shelter in the changing room, one of the boys dad managed the team and wandered off to find out when the match would kick-off while we all sat there waiting and chatting.

A little sister had come along and was dancing about, managers ds decided to announce at this point that his dad danced for his mum all the time..ahh that's nice we said...'yes, he puts mummy's underwear on and dances around the bedroom for her' grin

All said in front of a collection of about 14 mums and dads and the rest of his football team!!

HughRinal Sat 01-Jan-11 17:37:18

had an 8 year old who wrote tha in she lived in the county of 'Sofuck'

AnnOnimous Sun 02-Jan-11 23:12:23

My DS was aged five and told me a boy at school had said the F word.

This story took ages to tell, and ended up with the punchline that ''Jack had said the word Phooey''.

I burst out laughing with relief, and my DS said : ''I know mummy, for a moment I thought he was going to say FUCK!''

animadura Fri 07-Jan-11 16:08:40

My niece put in her news book that her Mummy and Daddy shag a lot. The teacher wrote 'snog?' helpfully in red pen. But my sister said she probably meant 'shout'.

fridascruffs Fri 07-Jan-11 19:57:57

These were better in the kids' original writing, but better typed out than not at all:

History
In wartime children who lived in big cities had to be evaporated because it was safer in the country.

Maths
The total is when you add up all the numbers and a remainder is an animal that pulls santa on his slay.

History
Sometimes in the war they take prisners and keep them as ostriges until the war is over. Some prisners end up in consterpation camps.

Religious studies
A mosque is a sort of church. The main difference is that its roof is doomed.

Religious studies
I asked my mum why we said old men at the end of prayers at skool, I don’t know any old men apart from grandpa.

Holidays
On our activity holiday Dad wanted to ride the hores, but my mum said they were too ekspensiv.

Maths
I would like to be an accountant but you have to know a lot about moths.

Geography
The closet town to France is Dover. You can get to France on a train or you can go on a fairy.

Maths
If it is less than 90 degrees it is a cute angel.

The Arts
…and at the end of the show we all sing away in a manager

The Arts
In last year’s Christmas concert, Linzi played the main prat. I played one of the smaller prats and I would like to have a bigger prat this year.

Science
Helicopters are cleverer than planes. Not only can they fly through the air they can also hoover.

History
Then Joan of Ark met her end. She was burned as a steak.

Science
Crabs and creatures like them all belong to a family of crushed asians.

Geography
In geography we learned that countries with sea round them are islands and ones without sea are incontinents.

Religious studies
If you marry two people you are a pigamist, but morons are allowed to do this.

History
Sir Walter Raleigh circumcised the world with a big clipper.

Geography
In Scandinavia, the Danish people come from Denmark, the Norwegians come from Norway and the Lapdancers come from Lapland.

Leapoffaith Sun 09-Jan-11 21:27:10

In my (very normal) village primary I happened to be in a class with a girl from a very well connected family (at least until she was whisked off to boarding school at about 7).

It was the year of the royal wedding and the teacher was asking us individually who our favourite member of the royal family was.

We all predictably said Lady Diana, but when it got to this girl, she replied thoughtfully "Well I haven't spent any time with Lady Diana but Princess Anne and the Queenmother are very nice."

She thought we were all choosing our favourite from personal experience like her. I've often wondered what was going through the teacher's head at the time.

Joekate Mon 10-Jan-11 20:29:45

My mum was a teacher and took her class to the ballet one day. They were asked to write about it the next day and one girl wrote "the man dancer has a lump in his tights so the girl dancer can stand on it to get on his shoulders"

She also stood up and told the class one day "right, you can all fart your stractions". She came home and told us, finishing with "and you know, not one of the buggers laughed!" Not surprised really, she is quite formidable!

AttillaTheMum Sat 12-Feb-11 19:33:30

I must bump this as I am CRYING!

Gabeesh Sat 04-Aug-12 23:17:00

I know this is old but I've been crying with laughter, and have a few to add.

When I was about 6 I heard a poem I thought was hysterical. It went something like:

As I was looking up at the sky
A bird came along and pooped in my eye.
And wiping it so I'd not cry
I thought 'isn't it lucky that cows can't fly.'

I told it to everyone! Problem was I'd completely misremembered the end of the second line and said 'a bird came along and made love in my eye.' it proved a very popular poem and I remember my mum and ban asking me to repeat it endlessly. I was chuffed to bits that they thought it Si hilarious, they'd literally be crying with laughter. I thought it must be the way I said it.

Can't tell you how I felt when DECADES later it dawned on me what I had been saying!

Another time, aged about 7, I held court in my class over the subject of Santa. I swore blind that I had actual video footage of him parking his sleigh on my roof, coming down the chimney, leaving presents, eating mince pies then disappearing in a puff of sparkles. One snotty pupil told me it must have been my dad but I got quite angry at him as I'd just explained about the reindeer on my roof AND the sparkles, then got annoyed as I could see my teacher laughing at me out of the corner if my eyes.

Moominhunter Thu 09-Aug-12 01:20:25

Teacher: 'Children, what do apples make?

Me, aged 5: 'Cider'

Liska Fri 10-Aug-12 16:41:33

My DH is Greek, and last year he went home to help his poorly Mum while DD and I stayed here. She told all her teachers that Greece is having some problems, because they don't have enough money, but that it would be okay because her Daddy had gone to sort it all out. She is in reception. DH was a bit startled when he went to pick her up and her grinning teacher started quizzing him on the state of the Euro.

Liska Fri 10-Aug-12 16:43:15

Mind you, its his fault, he keeps telling her stuff without realising she'll repeat it. He is a software engineer/r&d person, but as he works near a bridge, DD believes his explanation that his job is to save drowning children from the river. She even explained it to the visiting district nurse, at length.

lancs02 Fri 10-Aug-12 18:00:04

I know of one little girl who wrote that she went to nofuck for her holiday.

soontobeburns Fri 10-Aug-12 20:58:00

Probably not that funny but was to my mum. When i was 7 or 8 i came home from school and asked "mum am I a protestant or a priest"

Doesnt seem that funny but this was Northern Ireland around the time of the good friday agreement and I lived in a very protestant area.... I had been to Sunday school since I was 3 but never knew what a priest was or religion I was. Not good in NI during that time lol

miraclebabyplease Fri 10-Aug-12 21:10:39

This year i taught year 6. Starting the subject of microrganisms I asked if anyone knew anything about it. One boy asled if it was to do with sex. All the adults eyes dropped to the floor and i battled not to.lose it imagining tiny orgasmsd!

oldwomanwholivesinashoe Sat 11-Aug-12 13:48:52

This is hilarious - am crying with laughter here!
My son told his teacher that his mummy and daddy didn't live together and mummy lived with Jamie now because "he has a bigger willy than my daddy!"
My ex and I separated when DS was 20 months, all very civil, no one else involved! We did both re-marry after about 4 years (other people that is) and willy size was not a factor in any of it!

justintimefortea Sat 11-Aug-12 16:30:14

Brilliant!

My 'little darling' was seen by an ed psych recently who wanted his views on schools... He was asked 'If you had 3 wishes to change school what would they be?' He only needed 2 wishes...

'Stop all lessons' and 'Sack all the teachers'

That little beauty is in his report for his statement and been shared with all parties!!!

In reception he called out in assembly to a policeman that 'You can buy them re-feck-tors at Lidl for 3 quid'

He told the school vicar that last time he was at rugby I drank so much wine I couldn't drive home... and it wasn't the first time it had happened!
(happened twice and both times at the presentation ball a year apart!)

He does have ASD so he just shares and his logic is absolutely spot on but not quite as you know it.... It's led to much assuming that it's learnt behr....

But really I do not think odd socks actually match on the basis that they were both bought at Asda!

Mrsbapandbabies Sat 11-Aug-12 20:01:55

When my DD was in y 2 she constantly forgot to bring her lunch box home. One morning, very early because I was working from 7.30 am until 8 pm, I discovered she had not brought her lunchbox home. I told my dad (who was taking her to school) and DD that she'd have to have school dinners today and to tell the teacher during the register.

Fast forward to that afternoon, I had a missed call from school. So i called them back. Apparently DD had told the teacher when she sat down to lunch with yesterday's half eaten packed lunch that I had said she had to eat it a second day running as she was wasting food! They fully believed her and the head teacher had actually paid for her to have a school dinner! The teacher said that she could see where I was coming from but wasn't sure that making her eat manky old sandwiches was the best way. Obviously I told them my version of events and DD admitted later that she had forgotten to say school dinners during the register and had panicked. I could have died!

smileybee321 Sat 11-Aug-12 21:26:20

OH MY!!! wetting myself with laughter!!

When I was about 6ish... I was round my grandmas house with all aunties, uncles and every one, think we were talking about dreams,
when I piped up "my mum has nightmares!"
my mum "really?"
me "yes in the middle of the night, i always hear you going ahh ahh ahh"
(i actually made the sex noises)

my mum and dad looked very embaressed, got very cross, and they very quickly left, and in the car on the way back home, i got bollocked... but i was clueless, didnt think id done anything wrong. until i remembered years later, makes me cringe haha...

JennerOSity Sun 12-Aug-12 15:23:40

Hilarious stories, so funny I am feeling very brave even contemplating adding anything to it...

In my primary school, class full of 10/11yo kids. Two kids (a boy and a girl) were bickering while teacher had stepped out of the room. Both kids were confident types and neither was going to back down.
Things were getting heated when the boy, quite muscular for his age, obviously thought he'd play his trump card and silence his opponent with the threat of violence, he snarled with meaningful emphasis "if you aren't careful I'm gonna put you in the maternity ward" - to which the entire class creased up entirely and irretrievably, there wasn't a dry eye in the room when teacher came back in and had to try to restore order. The mirth lasted all day and the poor lad in question never lived it down. It remains to this day a memory of one of the best ever days at school for the sheer funny factor. grin

Masai Thu 16-Aug-12 08:47:10

A few years ago i was looking after my friends three sons and we were all sitting down to dinner, with my two daughters. As we were eating i asked all the kids how school had been that day.

Friends middle son aged five perked up "i had sex today"

(it was a girl in his class giving him a kiss and running away!)

toomuchicecream Sat 23-Feb-13 16:51:27

Year 4 class writing their own rules for living (inspired by the 10 Commandments). Lots of ideas like do not fight, be kind to your family etc. One boy included "Do not light pubic fires." I think he'd missed an l out...

makemineamalibuandpineapple Sun 24-Feb-13 16:19:17

My DS(7) at the time was telling me about some of the kids at the school and what they had been up to. "And then they shagged" he said!! confused

After a bit of confusion, I worked out that he thought shagging meant kissing!!

Lara2 Sun 16-Jun-13 11:01:19

When DS2 was 8 his dad was late taking him to school, DS1 said "Tell them your dad's incompetent" So DS2 marches in and says loudly, "Sorry I'm late, my dad's incontinent"!!!grin

WafflyVersatile Mon 17-Jun-13 00:45:03

My mum was a bit annoyed with:

'...a party at my auntie's house. Uncle Albert was there. He told dirty jokes and everybody laughed.'

And very glad it wasn't my dad who saw:

'.... this weekend my grandad died. He was my daddy's daddy. It is very sad....'

above this story was my drawing of my grandad lying dead at a bus stop.

SleeplessInBedfordshire Fri 05-Jul-13 22:58:34

Me and mum found an old exercise book of mine from about age 9 where I had to answer a science question at school. It was along the lines of... Why do animals give birth to a whole litter of babies, when humans tend to only give birth to one? I'd answered, short and sweet, "Humans can't cope with more than one child at a time". I got a huge red tick and "Good answer!"
Mum was pretty embarrassed (about 15 years late)

kacey71 Sat 06-Jul-13 07:49:42

I asked my class to write about their hopes and dreams for the year ahead. A Y4 girl wrote, "I want to read three really big books this year. I'm getting them with my Christmas money. One is called Fifty Shades of Grey, one is Fifty Shades Darker and I can't remember the other one." Her Mum was mortified!

chesterberry Sat 06-Jul-13 18:15:42

When I was a student teacher I was teaching a lesson in which the class (year 5 so 9/10) were learning about the respiratory system. When I pointed out the diaphragm a very sensible girl's hand shot up, "Miss, my mum's got a diaphragm in her underwear drawer."

Needless to say I had to stage a coughing fit so I could leave the classroom for five minutes!

HooverFairy Sun 21-Jul-13 08:37:47

Following on from Kacy - my year 7 class put together their Summer Reading lists last week, one task for this they had to which books they were looking forward to reading the most. When I checked one girl's list she had Fifty Shades of Grey on there, the worst part was that it was 'recommended' by another girl in the class. When I asked the girl if she had actually read it, she replied "no, but my mum reads it all the time. Its on my list so I've only put two more books on there because it takes so long to read. My mum has had it for year now and still hasn't finished, she has to read it in the bedroom on her own so she can concentrate and only dad is allowed in there to help her".

AARGH! I was howling, I'm dreading parents eve!

Still18atheart Mon 29-Jul-13 13:10:37

Hahaha loving this thread.

Reminds me of when I was about 3yo and I went to a childminder who was teetotal and frequent drinking holes very much. On trips out we used to pass pubs which me and my parents went to for Sunday lunches. So there was me pointing out all the best pubs to go to with particular recommendations going to the ones which had the best play areas.

ruby1234 Mon 29-Jul-13 13:28:06

My son wrote in his book :

When my mummy drops me at school, she rushes off to go and see Mr Boston every day. Mr Boston has brown hair and my mummy kisses him. Mummy and Mr Boston have been to Scotland for the weekend and had a party. My mummy takes Mr Boston sweeties. My daddy doesn't like Mr Boston much because Mr Boston kicked my daddy and so my daddy smacked him on the nose. My mummy loves Mr Boston and I like him too.

Underneath the teacher wrote something like 'very nice writing'.

What my son failed to say was that Mr Boston is a racehorse, and the trip to Scotland was for a race.

Worse, it had been written some time ago, and I can only imagine his teacher in that intervening time watching me drop him at school and rush off and her thinking I was having an affair!

In my first year of teaching, in a very strict RC school, I taught a little boy who told me that his daddy had needed the loo while he was in the bath last night. When he had finished Daddy had needed to scratch his scrotum. (His words, not mine). I didn't know where to look at parents evening!

likklemum Fri 30-Aug-13 20:35:14

My favourite piece of work that I marked from last year.
I aksed my mum if I could go to the faire. She said 'you cunt!'
A bit of a harsh response (was supposed to say can't and was a frequent mistake during this piece of work!)

In reverse: when I was at primary school, my mum once asked me what our teacher did while we were getting on with the work he had set us. My reply? 'He sits at his desk and twiddles his thumbs'.

tasteslikechicken Sun 01-Sep-13 10:15:19

One youngster I worked with called me a philiopede. A member of staff then corrected him by saying "I think what you mean is paedophile, and you're right TLC is a paedophile!!" The idiot then went on to explain the derivation of paedophile, I.e. love & children. Don't know who was most horrified/scared, me or the youngster

Juvenilesuccess Tue 10-Sep-13 09:59:24

Year 10 (I would have been 15). Teacher asked where I lived and when I replied she said "oh dear, there's a lot of rape in the fields there". I looked at her jaw agape and muttered that I didn't think that was the case. She persisted that she wouldn't walk through the fields. Silence followed in which the realisation hit us both that she meant the plant (she suffered from hay fever) and that I thought she meant sexual assault. I was mortified - worse, she was a psychology teacher so I was left to wonder what she'd read into my misunderstanding!!

oldfatandtired1 Tue 10-Sep-13 19:44:30

When the kids were young I worked as a freelance TV producer. When asked to write about his parents' jobs my son wrote 'Daddy takes the train to work and Mummy watches television all day . . . '

eden263 Sat 26-Oct-13 04:20:16

When my DH & I split up, I moved to a new area with the children. It was only after several months of funny looks that I found out DS1 (then 4) had told everyone at school that his dad was in prison!

AtticusMcPlatypus Sun 03-Nov-13 22:03:37

When my DD was in reception I went in to meet with the class teacher who had great pleasure in showing me a picture my DD had drawn. They were asked to draw their favourite thing and DD had drawn a picture of Fizz from the Tweenies, with a large, pink caption declaring, 'Fizz is my fart', her 5 yo way of spelling favourite apparently.

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