So, we're getting married, best ways to irritate all our guests here please

(501 Posts)
Madascheese Sat 18-Sep-10 06:02:37

Well DP pitched up with a very pretty bit of jewellery yesterday and proposed! How excited am I?

Wow congratulations! When are you thinking of?

Erm...wedding day tips...let me think. Make sure all the speeches contain slightly smutty in jokes that 90% of your guests won't understand and so will have to smile politely while thinking WTF??

echt Sat 18-Sep-10 06:26:49

Ludicrous dress regulations. I'm thinking clown suits, gorilla costumes.

savoycabbage Sat 18-Sep-10 06:27:12

Congratulations!

Insist that everyone wears clothes form your chosen colour palette.

echt Sat 18-Sep-10 06:28:54

Savoy's idea is better, as it annoys more people.

charmander Sat 18-Sep-10 06:39:25

Inist everyone travels half way round the world to attend for a week with no children.

Madascheese Sat 18-Sep-10 06:58:59

all excellent suggestions so far, but I'm looking to do this properly - I figure it's the way to find out who I know on here in r/l grin

Thanks by the way, we're looking at early summer - probably June - lovely DP proposing with a let's get married in six month attitiude not 'lets get engaged and see how it goes'

am a very very happy person

KorrallKrabba Sat 18-Sep-10 07:13:25

Great question! And congratulations.

Children very unwelcome, and then allow a handful of random LOs have very centre stage role, that's a real winner.

Photos that take all afternoon, with b + g spirited away to mystery locations for 3 hours for soft focus shots

Keep everyone outside in heat with either no drinks, or rubbish warm drinks and no food for extended photo session period

Ipod DJ with exclusively speed metal playlist

High-maintenance gift list from obscure store with no online shopping

Oh that's lovely

No, I have never understood people who "get engaged" rather than plan to get married (unless there's a specific reason they can't start planning straight away). When DH proposed i thought he would do that, but he said we had to go ring shopping the next day, we told parents on the way back and thst led to date planning almost immediately

5inthebed Sat 18-Sep-10 07:28:38

Congratulations.

Might I suggest the locations you get married, have your wedding and have your night time reception all be at least 5 miles apart for that extra inconvenience to your guests.

5inthebed Sat 18-Sep-10 07:29:20

That shoul read...have your wedding breakfast.....

onimolap Sat 18-Sep-10 07:36:08

Do practice an autocratic voice to boss around all and sundry. Expect your bridesmaids to pay in full for outfits they loathe, insist they wear shoes that make their feet bleed, and at 11th hour demand they buy special hair clips at £59. This of course is in addition to demanding a shower, and a hen week (£500+ a head).

Order you mother to make certain of the arrangements, then criticize them regularly and publicly

Sleep with best man...

Alicetheinvisible Sat 18-Sep-10 07:36:13

Staged wedding dance! The Macarena perhaps? grin

Congratulations smile

bigchris Sat 18-Sep-10 07:39:02

Make sure the ceremony, wedding breakfast and evening do are all in separate venues and miles apart with no parking so that everyone gets pissed off with all the driving and can't drink and can't park grin
congrats!

MrsDinky Sat 18-Sep-10 07:44:20

Make all the guests sit with complete strangers with whom they have nothing in common at the wedding breakfast.

Alicetheinvisible Sat 18-Sep-10 07:49:09

Yes, and split up partners and families too

bamboo Sat 18-Sep-10 08:01:49

Congratulations smile.

If having a wedding list from an obscure, expensive London shop doesn't appeal simply insert dreadful witty poem inside the invitations asking for the cash instead in order to fulfil your lifelong ambition to stay in a suite at the Bellagio in Las Vegas.

KaraStarbuckThrace Sat 18-Sep-10 08:03:13

Invite the exw of your best man so he can humiliate her and embarrass everyone else by making snide remarks about her in your speech.

Get married 200 miles away from the reception venue, so you spend the day travelling with 2 children for hours and hours.

Invite children, but only to the photo shoot. Make it clear that they are not welcome at the wedding or the reception.

Invite a friend who you know will have a tiny newborn at the wedding. Refuse to allow her to bring tiny newborn. Have a hissy fit when friend politely declines to come and cross her off your list of bridesmaids.

grin

Congratulations Madascheese btw!!! Don't worry MN will cure you of any Bridezilla tnedencies wink

Fill you wedding invitations with a huge handful of glitter & sequins, so that when the envelope is opened it sprays everywhere and the recipient is poking bits of it out from between the floorboards for months after [bitter experience emoticon]

congratulations btw! grin

going Sat 18-Sep-10 08:27:23

Congratulations!!!

Have plenty of booze for the top table, one bttle of wine per six for everyone else and no bar!

MrsDinky Sat 18-Sep-10 08:29:34

Also, pick hymns no one has ever heard of. Congrats btw.

Madascheese Sat 18-Sep-10 08:44:50

Thanks all of you these are lovely

<making notes emoticon>

do keep them coming.

At what point do I have a GIGANTIC falling out with my whole family and swear never to speak to any of them again?

Was there something about forcing guests to keep their children in cupboards?

And the Hen Night? I was thinking of insisting 50 or so of my random acquaintances are forced to pay £3000 each for a 5 day cruise and have to have painful immunisations beforehand?

Panzee Sat 18-Sep-10 08:46:57

Send invitations with two tiny squares of material with no explanation. wink

Mbear Sat 18-Sep-10 08:48:37

Please serve food that looks as if it should/could/might be warm, but is actually stone cold. Yum yum.

Congratulations!

echt Sat 18-Sep-10 08:51:03

I forgot.

Congratulations.

Pancakeflipper Sat 18-Sep-10 08:56:08

Do not have food options for the Wedding breakfast. Ignore all dietary requirments for whatever reasons. Serve a hog roast to all including the vegetarians and ensure no one gets any drinks unless they pay for them. This includes water - ensure no tap water allowed in jugs - only £6 bottles of water to match your table décor.

Have a massive gift list but nothing under £40.00

wingandprayer Sat 18-Sep-10 08:58:43

Ensure you have a really 'creative' menu choice.

Sushi to start, steak tartare for main, dorian fruit cheesecake for pudding should do it.

No veggie options or dietary requirements catered for.

Congrats btw grin

maryz Sat 18-Sep-10 09:01:42

Save the gigantic falling out for about 3 days beforehand to make sure there is no chance of making up before the big day.

The cupboard was, I think, for breast-feeding in hmm.

Tell all your guests you will definitely be exactly on time and then be an hour and a half late.

Have a two tier list, so you send invites a month in advance, and then if anyone refuses, invite the next on the list, and this is most important make sure you tell those next on the list that they are on a waiting list, so that they aren't under any illusion that they are actually friends, just there to make up the numbers if others can't come [bitter emoticon].

Congratulations.

NonnoMum Sat 18-Sep-10 09:07:00

Congrats.

Write your own vows. Make them as sub-A Level and arse-clenching as possible...

Get married at 1pm. To early to eat lunch before hand. Don't let guests sit down for dinner till 4pm.

Congrats!

NonnoMum Sat 18-Sep-10 09:09:36

Oh - and serve a 'relaxed' buffet/fish n chips/hog roast as above, so when Nana (who has travelled miles through the night to be there) feels a bit peckish, she has to queue for hours behind all the designer high heels with nothing but her walking stick to chat to...

LadyBiscuit Sat 18-Sep-10 09:13:58

Change your mind three times about whether children are allowed or not.

Don't allow people to take their own photos.

Insist that if people are staying, they must stay in the wedding venue where rooms are £250/night

Don't have anything under £75 on your wedding list.

Congratulsations

blackteaplease Sat 18-Sep-10 09:16:38

Congratulations on your engagement.

If it is a sunny day, have lots of photos taken at the church of every possible combination of guests whilst providing no drinks for anybody. Then repeat at the reception venue.

Oh, and if you are having evening guests, only serve bacon rolls at night as they will have driven straight from work to get to your reception and will appreciate the extra room in their stomachs for alcohol.

ooh yes a staged dance! Maybe thriller, complete with zombie actions. Make your guests sign a contract to say they'll participate and be filmed for youtube

warthog Sat 18-Sep-10 10:18:42

ask lots of lo's to be flower girls but then ban them from the reception.

allow children of mothers with big mouths to make sure that the banned ones are aware of the deal.

hold the wedding in the carribean at christmas and insist that everyone must go.

dejavuaswell Sat 18-Sep-10 10:20:39

Have a very long religious service, ideally ultra-evangelical followed by a vegan "meal" about three hours later. Don't bother speaking to any guests but do distribute the guests randomly between tables in a room with pillars so most folk cannot see you.

Madascheese Sat 18-Sep-10 10:21:35

These are really marvellous, thanks so much, it's VERY important to me that I get this event just right

gruber Sat 18-Sep-10 10:21:43

Have a very expensive bar that doesn't take cards or give change.

Hire an annoying magician to bore your guests for all those hours you are busy with photos. Ensure he leaves nobody in peace to discuss the wedding.

Have your reception 100 miles away from church in a shit hotel.

Spend hours messing about with a poncey fire lantern while your guests wait to see you.

Don't cut the cake until your guests are about to go home- they don't deserve to have a piece of cake.

Forget to announce the cutting if the cake.

That should do it...

gruber Sat 18-Sep-10 10:23:49

Oh, congratulations madascheese!

maryz Sat 18-Sep-10 10:24:49

A fire lantern gruber confused?

sooz28 Sat 18-Sep-10 10:26:44

2 different dress codes, one for wedding & one for evening.
Then don't actually tell people this until about 3 days before angry

marantha Sat 18-Sep-10 10:30:12

To be honest, the best way to irritate your guests is to invite them in first place.
Everybody is really just happier if you and groom eloped.

Oh yes, 'reserve the date', how cryptic is that?
I mean, what the HELL is that all about, am I being invited to a wedding or not?

If I am, just send an invite with a message like, oh, I don't know, 'Please come to our wedding on this date' or, how's this for radical-ability, don't send ANYTHING at all.

ChippingIn Sat 18-Sep-10 10:31:08

Congratulations!!! Do you think he was reading our convo yesterday?????? grin

How happy is LittleMad - has he stopped pinging off of the walls yet??

<can't believe you didn't tell us last night>

Really, really excited for you!!

Now what can you do to annoy your guests... have a theme/colour - change it a fortnight before the wedding!!

sooz28 Sat 18-Sep-10 10:31:09

Mis-spell your guests names on the invitations.

It was a lovely wedding however, even if I have been renamed Suz

BTW congratulations!

It was my 5 month old dd who got relegated to a cupboard, because I forgot to drop her off at the cattery on the way to the airport.

Sugared almonds and a free bar should give your guests enough to be going on with.

ethelina Sat 18-Sep-10 10:34:36

Congratulations!

Have your ceremony at midday and the reception at 6 with buffet only, leaving guests with nothing to do and nothing to eat for hours.

Use pretentious menu cards with scrolly writing and list all food in French/Italian so no-ones sure what they're eating.

Demand full morning dress for the men with top hats etc.

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 10:35:48

Ooh, congratulations!

I have some excellent tried-and-tested tips right here:

1) ensure your venue is obscure, and send detailed directions, causing irritation to your out-of-town guests six months in advance.

2) Three weeks in advance, have the venue cancel and send out new directions, thus confusing everyone.

3) Go for a really annoying religious requirement, such as that all guests must stand for the duration of the service.

4) Ensure the officiating person tells the congregation this, and insults those who sit down/faint/can't get up in the first place. It will go down well.

5) Even better, ask the priest to make several comments during the service about babies. Everyone will think you're pregnant and start sizing up your stomach, including your very proper elderly relatives.

6) Load up a family member with rude questions to ask those guests who don't know anyone else - it will make them feel pleasantly included.

7) If any of your recently-married, traditional in-laws address you as 'Mrs X', snigger and say loudly that you're not changing your name.

8) Have your MIL wear cream. Actually, your guests genuinely will love this one, and it is a fantastic icebreaker. MIL should ideally be stone deaf or unable to speak English, so she won't understand the increasingly hostile comments.

marantha Sat 18-Sep-10 10:36:15

maryz Yes, fire lanterns. Bizarre, isn't it?

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 10:37:37

(All these are from my wedding, btw. And I forgot the best one - make sure something everyone expects to happen, like the exchange of rings, doesn't happen. It'll piss everyone off a treat because they'll assume you haven't invited them to a 'proper' wedding.)

weegiemum Sat 18-Sep-10 10:39:46

Don't just have an ultra-long hand-waving evangelical service! Have^an^ altar call too!!

I mean I'm a evangelical well used to be Christian and this had me scraping my chin off the floor.

Especially as no-one went forward!

marantha Sat 18-Sep-10 10:42:35

Oh, yes, the 'I'm not changing my name' line. An absolute classic, that one. Completely acceptable if the bride and groom are just nipping off down their local register office in their jeans with a couple of witnesses dragged off the street (for whom it is JUST a legal chore), NOT so acceptable in a full-on bride wearing white who has to announce her 'devotion' in front of 200 guests.
If a person IS going to accept the stuff that a 'traditional' wedding has, it's a bit rich for them to play the 'I'm still a person in my own right, feminist card'.

Rockbird Sat 18-Sep-10 10:43:35

I always find that doing the table plan was the best time to fall out with everyone....

Definitely have your wedding at 12, lasting till about 2, then serve the breakfast at about 7, ensuring that your guests have had no opportunity for lunch and are either comatose or violent with hunger. This works particularly well if there are small children amongst the guests, preferably part of the wedding party so there are zero chances of running off to the nearest Greggs while the photos are being taken.

sooz28 Sat 18-Sep-10 10:44:43

video the whole thing.
Even all the very drunk dancing.

Have the photographer sell pictures of the wedding to your guests during the meal

AnyFuleKno Sat 18-Sep-10 10:52:54

Tell everyone it's a child free wedding, then let all of your closest friends bring their children leaving the others to wonder why the hell they had to leave their DCs at home for the whole day.

Ensure that your groups for photographs include female friends of bride, male friends of groom, thereby excluding male friends of bride and ensuring that there is no photographic evidence of certain people at all.

Have everyone stand in a narrow garden on a hill for the group shot so that a majority of shorter people are completely obscured.

Have the best man's speech contain references so obscure that noone gets it, not even the bride and groom.

Have the father of the bride's speech not mention the bride at all, and mention the groom only in grudging acceptance.

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 10:54:00

marantha, I married a Russian. If I changed my name, it wouldn't be to his, now, would it?

(Sorry, I feel bitchy because of the white wedding dress thread, but I had the religious ceremony and didn't change my name ... don't really see why I shouldn't?!)

A good one is to make sure to make sure the venue is somewhere that would be lovely in, say, June, but hold the wedding in December (or vice versa), so guests are freezing/sweltering and you're paying a bomb for it.

Also, tell everyone you're having a very low-key wedding, repeatedly, while you order them around with military precision.

AnyFuleKno Sat 18-Sep-10 10:54:31

marantha, what are you on about?

So if you have a white wedding then you're automatically giving up your right to an identity?

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 10:57:57

Ooh, yes, Anyfule! Especially love the assumption men only have men friends and women only women.

I also like getting everyone to pose for the group photo (in their wedding clothes, which are obviously expensive), then without warning get out a snow machine and blow it over them for five minutes. Bride and groom then step into the picture at the last minute so they look fetchingly snow-dappled and everyone else looks soggy and wonders if this suit is dry-clean only?

warthog Sat 18-Sep-10 10:59:06

tell people they can't bring partners unless they're married.

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 11:04:42

grin at warthog.

Even better, send invitations for adult, unmarried children of relatives, to their parents. With one copy of the guest list and the directions.

I was dead tempted at my wedding not to invite partners of my cousins, who'd not invited my fiance to either of their weddings. But I chickened out in the end. Still, I think not inviting husbands/wives of some of your guests would really raise the bar on annoying.

marantha Sat 18-Sep-10 11:07:25

AnyFuleKno, The way I see it is that the whole white-wedding thing is WHOLLY about 'two becoming one'. It is EXACTLY what it's all about. So, yes, if a person IS going through a traditional wedding they are merging their identity with someone else.
So unless a person's livelihood is connected to their name, I see it as being a bit ridiculous to get all 'I'm an individual' about a simple name change.

Now, don't get me wrong, if a person who wishes to marry for legal reasons (for example, the presenter Jenni Murray), who it is well-documented married for less than romantic reasons, wishes to pop down the register office and do it as low-key as possible, wishes to keep their name that is fine. Because there is none of the 'two becoming one' business in a register office.

expatinscotland Sat 18-Sep-10 11:07:28

Definitely demand cash from all your guests. Enclose a tacky poem directing them to your website where they can buy you a honeymore or just Paypal you the filthy lucre or enclose your bank details in the invite so guests can stump up.

nickelbabe Sat 18-Sep-10 11:07:29

"7) If any of your recently-married, traditional in-laws address you as 'Mrs X', snigger and say loudly that you're not changing your name. "

actually, i prefer the direct approach - i warned everyone in advance that anyone caught calling me MrsDHname would get a punch in the nose. grin

I did punch the priest in the nose the next day grin
(disclaimer - it wasn't really a punch, only pretending, and she did it on purpose because she knew i didn't want it - she was joking too, and it was in front of her brand new congregation at her induction service, during communion. grin )

ooh, another good one that I employed - start randomly shouting at people that you are hungry and need food NOW and then refuse to allow one of your nice guests to get you food because your sister should have got you food when you demanded it.

Gumbo Sat 18-Sep-10 11:07:58

From personal experience I would say that the best way to annoy everyone all at once is not to invite any of them and elope. We did this with the assumption that it's impossible to have a wedding without somehow upsetting someone - and why upset just one person if you can upset the whole lot all at once? grin

nickelbabe Sat 18-Sep-10 11:11:21

marantha, you're talking bollocks, here you know.
please don't make a light-hearted thread one about changing names.

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 11:13:30

nickelbabe, I just gasped loudly enough for DH to come running before I read beyond 'I did punch the priest in the nose'!

Brilliant!

(Now, why didn't I punch our priest?!)

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 11:16:50

I would just point out, too, that changing your name is a cultural thing. Plenty of places in the world where the dominant religion still states that marriage is about two becoming one, but where women traditionally don't change their names. For example, I couldn't change my name to DH's if I wanted to.

Also, you're forgetting about all the (many) faiths where marriage is not about two becoming one. In DH's faith (where we got married), it is most explicitly not the case that bride and groom merge identities - mainly, ironically, because that faith is highly sexist and thinks men and women are very different. Odd, that, since it also insists on the sort of traditional white wedding you're thinking of.

marantha Sat 18-Sep-10 11:18:42

No, I won't say anymore about it, however, if the traditional white-wedding ISN'T about merging identities, I don't know what else it is for. I also accept that for certain professionals name-changing is not an option.
I often find the 'you're talking bollocks' line said by people who know deep down you are right but don't like it.

shushpenfold Sat 18-Sep-10 11:19:23

Loving this thread! Marantha - boring and far too serious...go away now dear.

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 11:22:51

Well, marantha, you've already established that there's a fair bit you don't know, so let's not be too surprised, eh?

OmicronPersei8 Sat 18-Sep-10 11:24:09

I don't want to unlighten this thread, but also don't agree with marantha.

Anyway, my top tip would be to invite many of your friends to the wedding ceremony, but not the main reception. They would then be allowed in for the evening reception. So they get to spend the money on the gift, the travel, an outfit then have to buy themselves lunch at a local pub while they hang around for 5 hours.

OmicronPersei8 Sat 18-Sep-10 11:25:33

Oh yes, and congratulations Madascheese!

maryz Sat 18-Sep-10 11:31:06

This thread should be put in mn classics, so it becomes compulsory reading for all aspiring bridezillas brides.

It is so obvious these are all awful things to do, but so many of them ring clanging bells and bring back memories of weddings past grin.

bindweed Sat 18-Sep-10 11:31:52

1 - Have a long church service with communion and enforced hand-shaking/hugging/peace-sharing.

2 - Write all the married women's place cards as "Mrs X Surname" where X is their husband's initial.

thederkinsdame Sat 18-Sep-10 11:34:44

Invite your guests to the wedding, then don't let them come to the meal, even close family and those who have travelled many miles. When FIl offers to p[ay for wedding so that guests can come to lunch, shove it back in their face and say they are trying to 'control' the wedding. Make everyone come back 6 hours later for an evening do. Wonder why everyone feels a bit arsey at evening do as they have had to go away and amuse themselves for 6 hours in a place they don't know and now feel that they have only been invited so the B & G can have more presents. That should do the trick ;-)

PaulineCampbellJones Sat 18-Sep-10 11:36:23

Congratulations!
Make sure you have bridesmaids who are polar opposites e.g size 16 with massive bond/ size 6 with no boobs. Then make them both wear a dress that is only suitable for the size 6 one.

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 11:37:04

Ooh - on that note, bindweed, send out all invitations addressed to 'Mr. X and wife' or 'Miss. Y and boyfriend', even if the people in question are far too old for 'boyfriends' or in homosexual relationships. If people turn up with same-sex partners, get flustered and offended about your neatly male/female organized table plans.

(I know someone who was a guest at this wedding. Genius.)

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 11:38:53

1) Insist the bridesmaids wear home-made dresses, ideally pinned together at the seams when time ran out. Make sure you yourself wear a beautiful, expensive couture number.

2) Buy bridesmaids' dresses two sizes too small, and insist they diet.

Lotkinsgonecurly Sat 18-Sep-10 11:38:57

Ask your mother to say very loudly at quiet moment in front of the whole reception that you married the good looking brother then!

When the not good looking brother forms an amazing and one off band with some brilliant musicians and everyone is on the dance floor and its really amazing music, just what the bride and groom wanted as his present. Make sure that some guest asks the bride and groom if he can book them for his wedding but without the crap singer (said ugly brother!).

Rockbird Sat 18-Sep-10 11:43:53

thederkinsdame we travelled from London to Newcastle for that very set up. Was a girl from work who I really really like and I know it was because the numbers just didn't add up if she invited everyone from work to the whole thing. It was our choice to go all that way, she was really touched that we made the effort and we had a nice weekend away.

Orangerie Sat 18-Sep-10 11:44:21

Tips... ok, the worst idea I ever heard came from a, very intelectual, student of mine.

She and her fiance were highly against the "dance of the dollar" (you know, the one that whoever wants to the bride/groom, pins a dollar bill on their clothes). Anyhow, as they disliked the tradition so much they thought of getting a mannequin with wheels for the guests to dance with and pin their dollars in, the worst part is that they were convinced the guest would find it great fun and would join in...

I still feel like throwing up almost 20 years later...

Portofino Sat 18-Sep-10 11:46:18

Invite Marantha! She sounds like a right bag of laughs...grin

nottirednow Sat 18-Sep-10 11:49:06

Message withdrawn

Invite guests from all over the world and then ignore them for the entire wedding.

Make sure that, if a good number of your guests follow a religion that forbids eating pork, that they are served pork based canapes. Don't bother offering anything else, if you don't tell them, they won't notice.

Do this at next morning's brunch as well. They'll love that.

Ban your new DH from speaking to his parents.

Also, if you do what I did and wear a short dress, that really seems to piss the traditionalists off. My SIL is still annoyed with me about that.

Rockbird Sat 18-Sep-10 11:54:30

Also book it in the middle of January (preferably on your niece's 2nd birthday) and make sure it's in the arse end of nowhere and has no accommodation so that, if it snows, your guests have a long, perilous journey to get back to their hotel.

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 11:56:31

I rather like booking it on a public holiday (say New Years, or August Bank Holiday), in a tourist destination.

ProfYaffle Sat 18-Sep-10 12:02:51

Oh hurrrah! Marantha approves of me not changing my name because we got married in the correct non name changing fashion grin

I just wrote out a whole ranty post then realised it had got a bit personal and identifiable so deleted it. I have to go and breath into a paper bag for a bit to calm down.

MrsDinky Sat 18-Sep-10 12:08:00

Make sure it coincides with a critical World Cup Qualifying game for England.

Make sure the vicar emphasises how much his church costs to run and how all donations are gratefully received.

motherinferior Sat 18-Sep-10 12:09:22

Radiate neurosis throughout, including a 'hen night' where you anorexically eat nothing at all while your guests munch their way through three courses. Make it clear everything's been done on a budget - not in a 'soddit, let's just have a cava-based pissup' way but in a watery imitation of a posh wedding way, with a meal at 4pm which involves one glass of semi-sweet semi-sparkling wine. Make inaudible speeches.

I think the couple who had this particular wedding are now divorced but happily I have lost touch with them...

Rockbird Sat 18-Sep-10 12:09:28

God we've all been to some crap weddings

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 12:10:00

Prof, clearly what is really needed is for the bride to give a speech asking all the married women who wore white and didn't change their names to stand up for the ritual humiliation.

Nowt like a bit of ritual humiliation to get a wedding going.

anyabanya Sat 18-Sep-10 12:12:59

Have a gift registry at Harrods where the cheapest item on the list is a caviar spoon for 300 quid.

This has actually happened.

ProfYaffle Sat 18-Sep-10 12:15:22

It's the only way LRD!

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 12:19:26

Prof, I've been looking on youtube for the bit in Sex and the City where Miranda's mother-in-law gets drunk and starts tearfully and publicly confessing that she 'wore white ... but I shouldn't have done. I had a white dress on the outside and my little Jackie on the inside!'

Love it. That would also be good - granny confessions about pre-marital sex.

motherinferior Sat 18-Sep-10 12:20:51

OR - and this is another now-divorced couple - have lots and lots and lots of songs (sung by a choir) and poems (read by mates) about Lurve and How In Lurve you are.

This works best if your guests are secretly tthinking RUN FOR IT NOW GIRL IT'S NOT TOO LATE (DP and I were the only ones, I think, but our view has been Justified by History).

A rather odd velvet frock - reminiscent of curtains - made to your own design works wonders too. (Two weddings, one the one mentioned above, the other one that was actually quite fun. Both now divorced.)

bigchris Sat 18-Sep-10 12:24:31

Don't forget to book it midweek and then throw a strop because people aren't prepared to take their kids out of school for three days to travel to your wedding and back again, or take precious leave for it

anyabanya Sat 18-Sep-10 12:29:27

On a more serious note. please please do tell your guests a dress code.

We did not. My DH said that 'everybody knows' what to wear to a wedding, and because I had been in the country for less than a year and had never actually met his friends, (so did not want to impose myself) I assumed he knew what the fuck he was talking about.

Some people came in morning suits, some in summer frocks, some in jeans.

Was bloody embarrassing for everyone, and they all assume that as the bride it is your fault.

a decade later and I am still getting it in the neck from my FIL about that one.

cheaphawaiian Sat 18-Sep-10 12:30:17

Congratulations!

Can I urge you to plan your big day to coincide with another family event?

I particularly enjoyed being decked out in puce taffeta and pawed by the drunken best man when I was step-sister's bridesmaid on my eighteenth birthday.

motherinferior Sat 18-Sep-10 12:32:15

Above all, ensure that it is utterly devoid of any spontanaeity, pleasure and/or style. I've been to at least one slightly hectic wedding - the weekend before Christmas, we had to travel from London to Edinburgh with a toddler and six-month-old, all quite last-minute organisation - which was quite, quite lovely because they'd worked out carefully who should sit where (while writing their own speeches during the meal!), it was in the university library which is a gorgeous old building, there was a kids' corner where they could watch videos, and friends doing fire-juggling as you walked up to the library through the cold...you don't want any of that. Make it clear it's al about YOU and YOUR SPECIAL DAY.

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 12:34:26

Oh, hawaiian, how awful!

Read the 'Native American Wedding Blessing' then tell everyone how personal and special it is to you. Or the same with 'Let me not to the marriage of true minds' or the Corinthians reading.

Or (she says bitterly, searching for flights), plan your wedding in a foreign country 80 miles from the airport. sad

motherinferior Sat 18-Sep-10 12:34:37

Favouritism in picking who is your bridesmaid also a winner. I suggest you opt for one set of nieces and not another.

bigchris Sat 18-Sep-10 12:37:17

Motherinferior that uni library wedding sounds great to me!

motherinferior Sat 18-Sep-10 12:38:50

Yes, it was lovely. I enjoyed it hugely. V important to work out what made it so special and then do the opposite grin

nickelbabe Sat 18-Sep-10 12:44:48

ooh, i've been too busy moaning about my church, and now there are so many ideas grin

I just wanted to add, for the record, that although my dress wasn't white, I did have what I would class as a traditional, religious wedding.
and you know why? because i wanted God to be the third strand of my rope.
because I wanted God to overlook and bless my marriage and to help in times of trouble.
not because i wanted to give up my identity to be swalloed up by my equal partner but because i wanted God to be part of it, and to show everyone else in my life that I love my husband and want to be with him forever.

so nur grin

marantha Sat 18-Sep-10 12:46:02

Portofino Oh no, I'm the last person anyone would want to invite to a wedding- funny thing is, though, I've been invited to at least 3 in past year- so perhaps I am not all that bad. Or perhaps it is more a case of actually being well-mannered and have an ability to be tactful and diplomatic when actually at the damn things.

Which makes me a hypocrite, but I'll own up to that.

Serious advice though: If you are going to invite lots of family and friends, if possible, hold the event where the majority of them live.
You can't help it if some people have to travel miles, but if the vast majority have to travel 4 hours each way, perhaps with small children in to and shell out for hotel rooms etc etc, their smiles are going to be a bit forced.

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 12:59:11

Good advice that!

Also, if you're having the wedding somewhere in the middle of nowhere, plan assuming that people will want to leave earlier than you expect to get back home, and won't want to drink too much.

Have the invites from Mr & Mrs <your father's name>.

Make sure you are "given" by your father to your new DH before promising to obey your new husband.

Make sure your new DH, DF and bestman deliver lengthy speeches.

Line up all the single women to toss the bouquet.

Describe anyone who protests at this as anti-feminist as "bitter" and/or a lesbian.

GeekOfTheWeek Sat 18-Sep-10 13:36:01

Congratulations smile

Feel free to put a shitty poem in with the invitation about how presence not presents are important but you want cold hard cash and nothing else.

Don't say thank you for the cold hard cash.

Tell people no children, only the ones you say.

Dress codes. Any of them.

Expensive hen/stag do.

Ask your new MIL to wear her wedding dress to the ceremony.

Ask you female family members if they are likely to be pregnant on your big day a year hence and then withdraw any invitations to be a bridesmaid accordingly.

UnquietDad Sat 18-Sep-10 13:46:39

Oh, yes, make sure your DH-to-be has a stage WEEKEND in Amsterdam, which starts on Thursday so everyone has to take two days off work, and for which they'll be staying in a really expensive hotel. And there must be activities like quad-biking and abseiling and so on, and nights out in really expensive bars. The whole weekend should set everyone back a couple of grand.

UnquietDad Sat 18-Sep-10 13:46:57

STAG not stage! Sorry!

Insist MIL wear black, a veil and weeps copiously if for some reason her wedding dress is unsuitable.

MollieO Sat 18-Sep-10 13:54:36

More bridesmaid dresses advice. It is very important that the dresses of your adult bridesmaids are exactly the same as those for the under 5 bridemaids. It is key that every detail is the same, including the length of the dresses. This is no matter how ludicrous this will look on the adults. (this was when I realised my SIL hated me grin)

Katisha Sat 18-Sep-10 13:57:26

Is this a SIL requirement do you think Mollie? My SIL also harped on about length of bridesmaid dresses.
She would also have preferred it if we had insisted on all men wearing identical suits, rather than letting them wear or hire their own.

marantha Sat 18-Sep-10 14:10:45

Don't forget your guests; yes, it is YOUR big day but never forget it is not their's.

The guests may only be a sideshow to the 'main event' but, believe me, having just been to a no-expense-spared wedding evening party which was a miserable affair because the couple had married in a venue a 9-hour round trip to where they actually came from (as in the evening venue could have comfortably fed and contained 4 times the number it actually did), I know what I'm taking about.

Hardly anyone turned up. And the couple are glamourous, popular, friendly people -not unpleasant people at all.

DomesticGoddessInTraining Sat 18-Sep-10 14:11:15

Insist that everyone must be seated in the venue at least 15 minutes before the start of the ceremony because of some very strict rules about use of the venue and then turn up 1 hour late.

Have a 12.30 service, which doesn't actually start till at least 1pm and then don't have any food till 6pm (particularly popular among those with children).

Involve all children attending the wedding in the ceremony except the only child from the groom's side. Ensure the brides father mentions all these children (again, except the only child from the groom's side) in his speech.

Get married abroad. Somewhere very far away and expensive to get to.

Congratulations!

Announce to three of your very old friends that your bridesmaid is going to be.....someone they have never heard of but who is apparently your oldest friend although you haven't been in touch for the last 20 years.
Have your wedding abroad on the 1st day of the UK term when at least two of your neices will be starting school for the first time.
Write 'Start saving now!' on the invitations to said wedding which is in New Zealand.
Moan about how everyone got you towels when that's what the person you are talking to gave you as a present.

DomesticGoddessInTraining Sat 18-Sep-10 14:35:02

How could I forget the best thing though...

Ask someone to be your bridesmaid and then never mention it again!

nickelbabe Sat 18-Sep-10 14:42:47

it is also vitally important when you keep your guests waiting for 6 hours for their dinner, that you serve bucks fizz/pimm's and lemonade/ bar open , because then you can gurantee that at least one fight will ensue.
make sure the MIL/SIL combo have more drink than anyone else, because catfights amongst grownwomen are always more fun to watch

Portofino Sat 18-Sep-10 14:54:11

Marantha, I'm already invited to this one! <<preens self-importantly!>>

I am planning to wear white lace, letch over flirt with the groom, get pissed and copiously throw up in the corner of the marquee grin

Shodan Sat 18-Sep-10 15:05:28

I'm slightly concerned that you haven't considered the preparation time needed for your big day.

You really should plan your day for three years' time, so that guests are supremely fed up with your bridezilla behaviour before they even get to the wedding. This sets the right tone, I think, for such a wonderful event.

If you can arrange to have your long-divorced, really-should-have-got-over-it-by-now parents sitting on the same table, they will love you for it and will not hesitate to let all and sundry know the full details about the divorce. Guests who have never met them before will delight in listening to your mother witter on endlessly about your father.

Do ensure that you place expense of venue above atmosphere. Your guests will admire the fact that you can blow many, many thousands of pounds on a posh golf club 'do' when they are sitting in a cavernous, echoing room with nothing to do except gaze longingly at the escape route exit.

Or, choose a venue that's so small that you have to squeeze people onto long tables in a space fit for a table of four. Put the pregnant woman in a seat right at the end of the table, furthest away from the loos, so that she can't get out until everyone gets up to go. She'll love you for that.

Shodan Sat 18-Sep-10 15:08:22

Oh and finally - grab each guest after the meal and force them to admit that yes, it was the best meal they'd ever eaten, yes it was the best venue they'd ever been to, yes her bridal outfit was the prettiest/chicest/most stunning you'd ever seen.

Oooh, restrict everyone to one glass of wine. Have the DJ play songs no-one knows. But before all that, set the mood by having very expensive stag/hen weekends in crap hotel in obscure Eastern European country.

bigchris Sat 18-Sep-10 15:13:05

One glass of wine shock

Most Important - get DH-to-be to wear a kilt, not wipe properly & then sit on your lap, to get authentic skid mark down cream silk dress.

(Apologies for that, but it did turn up about four times on the 'weddings from hell' thread a while back)

pogleswife Sat 18-Sep-10 15:37:57

Well that's an improvement on the day before !
Congratulations Madascheese!! My tip would be to let the photographer make all the decisions-
they're usually really non-egotistical people who consider the comfort of the guests to be of paramount importance.

nickelbabe Sat 18-Sep-10 15:42:52

bigchris obviously thinks it's a waste of money to give the guests a glass of wine. true, i think. have a paying bar, and make them buy their own drinks. if they want to toast you, they can buy their own toast drinks.
jugs of (tap) water on the table only.

seaturtle Sat 18-Sep-10 15:43:38

SmellsLike TeenSweat - that's disgusting! And funny.

OK... So have the bridesmaids wear butt skimming tartan skirts and a tight t-shirt with little sandals in December. I walked past a wedding party at the town hall like this, as the snow was falling.

Insist that ALL your guests wear medieval costumes. Even the kids. I saw this in a bridal magazine years ago. There was a photo of a man in a jester's outfit looking miserable.

Tortington Sat 18-Sep-10 15:44:14

if no one has said it, i thnk you should play the birdie song and aggado do do on repeat

NonnoMum Sat 18-Sep-10 15:46:37

Oh, and you could ask your photographer for 'reportage' style photos only.
So, the gathering of all the individual strands of the family won't be recorded for posterity, but you will get some arty shots of your auntie's hat abandoned on a table, the h'or d'ouevers (sp??) and the back of a couple of junior bridesmaids.

BitOfFun Sat 18-Sep-10 15:49:01

Make sure your SIL decides to ignore the seating plan and declare that all the people on her table are boring, and then have her heckle during the speeches <credit to Reality for that one>.

Sassybeast Sat 18-Sep-10 15:50:45

OOOh congratulations smile You must make sure that you ask your guests for money presssies to pay for your honeymoon. Then you must make sure that you chose the most obscure venue that you can which will cause the most inconvenience. No kids are a MUST - particularly breast fed babies. Oh and you simply MUST have a dress code - colours are good but 'themes' are better - perhaps disney or lord of the Rings ? And then make sure that you let both 'mothers' know what the other is wearing to avoid any hysteria in that department. 6 hour photo sessions mioles away from your guests are quite cool. Useless voile thingys filled with sugared almonds are THE most treasured 'favour' Book a ceildih type band for the reception and make sure that EVERYONE is forced to take part.

nickelbabe Sat 18-Sep-10 15:57:55

i had agadoo at my wedding! shock
everyone got up and danced, so it's not a bad thing! (in my defence, <i say that a lot on here!>, it was an 80s disco and it reminded me of holidays at Haven Holidays!)

marantha Sat 18-Sep-10 15:58:17

No kids rule- just what exactly are people thinking when they make this rule?
OK, on a personal level, I'm odd in that I genuinely didn't feel that my getting wed was a 'special day' - a nice day, but not a massive thing to get worked up about and, to be blunt, marriage to me is about sealing things on a legal level BUT

I do not understand why those who DO want to make a big day of it with friends and family completely fail to realise that it is the MIX of people (from different backgrounds and ages) that give weddings the atmosphere they have (or SHOULD have).

nickelbabe Sat 18-Sep-10 15:59:32

marantha - no kids in this thread means no kids apart from random kids (eg your own, or a random firend, or the cute flowergirl/pageboy)

IRL it should mean all kids (but really, all kids apart from babies should be meant)

ratspeaker Sat 18-Sep-10 16:00:58

Insist that everyone HAS to get up to do the birdie dance during the reception, then sit and watch.

Instead of wedding car or taxi rely on bridesmaids bf to drive you to wedding, then walk as it breaks down, he can the disappear with her after the ceremony for them to come back covered in oil for the pics and meal

Let MIL pals son bake and ice the cake thus ensuring only a chainsaw could cut it

A nice touch I once saw was when overmuch booze and family resentment caused a big fight between the men at the top table,the police couldn't be called to break it up as the only 2 officers in the area were involved

Think of the children and make sure there's m&ms, Smarties,chocolate, cola and highly coloured orange squash freely available for them

nickelbabe Sat 18-Sep-10 16:12:37

shock about your fight ratspeaker!

MrsDinky Sat 18-Sep-10 16:25:19

Ratspeaker - you've just reminded me, make sure the best man makes insinuations about the bride's purity (or lack of) by telling smutty jokes in his speech, thus ensuring the father of the bride throws him out in the middle of it. Even better if the best man is the groom's brother so that his whole family gets involved in the subsequent fisticuffs....

Riddo Sat 18-Sep-10 17:02:33

Send invite to "DCousin and guest" even if you were at their wedding and have met them several times. Ask for expensive presents, don't say thank you for said present, ask guests to drive for hours and to take a salad to the reception. (DHs cousin did this to us)

Riddo Sat 18-Sep-10 17:03:08

and make sure that your future MIL wears exactly the same colour as you.

TessOfTheBurbs Sat 18-Sep-10 17:09:03

Why limit yourself to merely writing your own vows? Why not sing them to your DH? Naturally, you should expect him to do the same to you, perhaps whipping out a guitar. Your guests will be so touched by your tru luv.

Hire your photographer to document your day from dawn til the small hours. Your bridesmaids will feel really at ease getting changed in the morning if a man is crouching on the floor with a big camera, capturing the precious moment where they sit at the dressing table in a bathrobe glueing on their false eyelashes.

If you don't manage to fit in all the ideas on this thread then not to worry, you can probably find room for the rest at your biennial vow renewals.

marantha, for someone who sees marriage as purely a legal contract you certainly have some very strict ideas about what other people's church weddings "should" be like. Maybe to them it is just a legal contract and a religious sacrament and nothing more? Or maybe they just want to get married however they want with the trimmings that tickle their fancy and without the ones that don't? Maybe they don't invite kids because they want to round off celebrations with a coke-fuelled orgy?? There is no such thing as a "traditional" one-size-fits-all wedding or marriage, people throughout history have done different things for different reasons, and the 'typical' or 'aspirational' model wedding has changed a lot throughout the years.

Madascheese Sat 18-Sep-10 17:14:19

These are just fab! We've been out for the day and just wading through. DP is laughing his ass off and wants you all to come!

We've been having a conversation about children, clearly we have to invite some, to make for pretty pictures, obligatory cute moments and the required throwing up on my expensive dress.

Now, we have littlemad and we want him to have some company as well. We wondered if asking guests with more than one child to pick their favourite and just bring them would be Ok? Or DP suggested the most photogenic? - we could ask them to send photos back with the RSVP and then let them know which one to bring on the day????

TessOfTheBurbs Sat 18-Sep-10 17:20:26

Oh, don't limit yourselves to the children of guests! If you know of any attractive, well-behaved children who could make a nice companion for your DS, why not just ask their parents if they'd mind dropping them off at your wedding for the day, and chipping in for the childcare costs for when they're not needed in photos?

sapphireblue Sat 18-Sep-10 17:22:34

Have your ceremony at 11am and then don't provide the guests with any food until 4pm or entertainment until the DJ starts at 8pm.

Get thoroughly pissed off with any guests who try to leave before 2am the next morning, having been at your wedding for 15 hours.

maryz Sat 18-Sep-10 17:22:59

I remember a thread on here where children under 7 (I think) were uninvited about a month before the wedding, and the groom's brother who was best man had 11 and 9 year old boys, and a 6 year old daughter who was the only family child left out by the seemingly random age limit.

I remember it clearly because it was just so horrible to a little girl who already had the dress and wasn't allowed to go. As far as I remember the mother and two brothers didn't go either and the bride was very upset because she wanted the boys there to play with her daughter.

So madascheese, you have to invite all your friends' children who are plus or minus 1 year from littlemad's age, and they should leave all others at home. That is the only fair way to do it grin

gruber Sat 18-Sep-10 17:25:06

A few more...

Have your bridesmaid send out invites to your (2 night) hen do at a £140/night hotel without any explanation. Get arsy when you receive tearful notes back saying sorry, your oldest friend can't afford it. Then get your bridesmaid to email you all saying "there's a bit for the poor people who can't come to the cocktail dinner - it's on a farm. Bring your own picnic."

Don't invite anybody you've known more than a year to be your bridesmaid - they won't mind being left out of your special day.

Only serve alcoholic drinks (and no bar) on arrival while you have photos for 3 hours, ensuring all the pregnant/teetotal people are absolutely livid. Nothing like that to set you up for a lovely reception.

gruber Sat 18-Sep-10 17:30:54

Ooh - DH has come up with even more!

Have your reception in a teeny, tiny village hall and have the photos outside- in November. Ensure the 2 tiny bridesmaids catch flu and several guests come down with chest infections because you made them wait outside for hours while you had photos.

<bitter emoticon>

Have all the staff at your reception venue be miserable jobsworths who refuse elderly grandparents/heavily pregnant women a chair to sit on because "we need them all".

DomesticGoddessInTraining Sat 18-Sep-10 17:50:24

Make sure you sit the groom's family right at the back out of the way at the reception. It'll make room for your work colleagues on the tables right in front of the top tables.

Also, insist that the best man includes as many really offensive swear words as he can in his speech. Littering it with equally offensive sectarian references is optional. Your guests will love it.

expatinscotland Sat 18-Sep-10 18:14:43

I honestly don't get 'evening do's. I'd never heard of them till I came here, and still find them unbelievably rude, a roundabout way of getting more presents so beyond grabby.

So I'm with OmicronPersei8 Sat 18-Sep-10 11:24:09's suggestion.

IloveBafanaBafana Sat 18-Sep-10 18:59:07

with you there expat, horribly grabbing!

2shoes Sat 18-Sep-10 19:03:03

invite someone in a wheelchair, then refuse to tell them whether they can get in the church.
takes hours over the photos and then try and sell them to the guests.
cut the cake so late, most people have gone home.

2shoes Sat 18-Sep-10 19:03:17

and congratulations

TessOfTheBurbs Sat 18-Sep-10 19:03:25

Why assume the worst, that it's just to grab more presents?

We had evening guests because we couldn't afford to buy lunch for everyone we'd have liked to, but wanted to celebrate with a party with whoever would be so good as to join us. Presents never even crossed our minds. Many of our evening guests told us they were delighted to be invited, and before the wedding some of them asked us whether we had a gift registry etc., we only gave the details fo it to those who specifically asked. We were happy, they were happy, they didn't have to come if they weren't happy with it.

strawberrycake Sat 18-Sep-10 19:18:53

Why only save it for the day. Spend the entire 3 months prior changing the dress code/ specifications and discuss daily with your workmates the colour of the chair coverings etc in minute detail, e.g. a selection of 40-odd shades of cream.

rubyhorse Sat 18-Sep-10 19:26:02

1. Make a large block booking at the nearest hotel to your venue. Tell only your friends and the groom's family about it. Your own family will like the freedom of having to sort themselves out. Also, on the day itself, make sure that your own family feature in none of the official photos. They'll appreciate the extra drinking time.

2. Send an invitation to all guests specifying no children. Two weeks later, have the groom phone all his friends with children to say that they can come after all. Make sure that the bride does not do the same. The awkward people with children there and the outraged people without will all get along just fine. Will be particularly fun if you can arrange for one of your friends to flee the reception weeping having left her 5 month exclusively breast fed PFB for the first time, only to spend the evening chatting to someone with a 5 month old EBF PFB in tow.

Send invites with very little detail of the big day - 1.00p.m wedding then 7p.m reception.

When they arrive at 12.45p.m for the 1.00p.m wedding, stuff them all into a tiny, heated room while they peruse the wedding schedule that you have left on their chairs telling guests that it is, in fact a 1.30p.m wedding. Then be an hour late for the rearranged 1.30p.m start.

Have a photographer take all of guests to freezing outdoor location in city centre and make them do crazy poses in front of all and sundry. Then bugger off for 5 and a half hours to a random location for more photo's while guests are left in your house with no drink and cold coleslaw platters. Make sure these guests don't know each other and have very little in common. Also, make sure your heating is on and they can't open the windows in case seagulls come in to eat the coleslaw platters.

Have guests arrive at random very expensive hotel after 5 and a half hours (knackered) and go for a nap/shower while they all sit downstairs like fannies phoning the evening guests and telling them to hurry up because that evening 'do that you all thought was supposed to be just a buffet and some dancing is actually a huge sit-down meal that is 5 courses long for just the starter and two for the main. It's ok though - your napping tie and showering has meant that you need hair and make-up redone anyway, so plenty of time for them to arrive!

Start main meal of the day at 9.00p.m and end it at 10.30p.m then make guests sit through long and arduous cutting of cake/first dance/ speeches.
Have a swing band play while you all eat so you cant talk to the random you've been placed next to. Then have a mad random scary looking bellydancer come and dance with everyone at about 11p.m. After they have just eaten huge meal. [sick emoticon] Also, make sure that starters are all vegetarian, but main is meat only. confused

Put all the single folk with the random people you didn't really want to invite, but had to because otherwise they threatened suicide. Your good single mates will love you for it.

Make sure everyone knows how much you spent on your dress and scream at anyone who comes near you all day, just in case it gets spilled on/ripped/stood on by accident.

Have your birthday on same day as your wedding. So after they have watched you cut wedding cake/have first dance/eaten lavish huge eal, they can watch you cut your own birthday cake and sing happy birthday to you 3 times.

This all happened to us this week. At the one wedding!!! Grr!

Congrats by the way!!

Sorry for the rant - it really was the wedding from HELL!!!

Portofino Sat 18-Sep-10 19:48:21

Oh and annoy your work mates for months, by coming into the office in tears. When asked what is the matter, describe in minute detail for an hour, the tiff that you have had with soon to be dh after mentioning over breakfast that you would like to book a harpist to play whilst you sign the register....

Oh yeah... also.... at the end of long arduous day make guests go to a quiet room with the bloody film making guy (who has been recording you since 9.a.m) and make them individually talk really awkwardly to the camera about what a great day they have had at your wedding.

Would love to see what ours looks like on playback.

expatinscotland Sat 18-Sep-10 19:51:42

I'd have left, threelittle.

As for evening do's, why not have your wedding at around 5PM so you just have one big party/reception?

I guess it's an English thing, but it always strikes me as rude to invite people who've not even seen you get married to some 'evening do'. Sort of like your second string/B-list of guests.

Madascheese Sat 18-Sep-10 19:53:19

Porto, will you be joining my sister in wedding planning? we're going to be needing your input...and we're ONLY 28 hours into this.

Ask a friend to arrange your hen do in the summer holidays on another friend's wedding anniversary for several hundred pounds and 3 days long necessatating 2 days off work (Preferably the friend who's tiny wedding you invited yourself to and then complained about the travel involved...)

Insist the hen do is kept secret as a surprise but call all friends who can't make it and leave abusive voice mails/emails threatening to uninvite them to your wedding.

This is particularly fun because your friends will struggle to justify their reasons/talk to you at all because they can't spoil the surprise. It will also mean saving money at your wedding when friends tell you that <gasp> they will survive not going to your wedding.

They may also not speak to you for 3 years, thus saving even more cash on going out, phone calls etc

Hold a softball tournament for the afternoon "festivities". State on the invitations that this is compulsory and everyone must wear trainers and it will all be terrifically FUN.
Ban children from the wedding but have your dog in a big basket under the top table.
Ban children and offer a random nanny to look after your children and indeed all the children so achieving a ratio of approx 20 children to one harrassed stressed young girl with patchy English in a small 2 bed terrace with no garden.
Ask your friend to sing at your wedding - no fee, natch - on the other side of the country and then insist that friend can't bring her breastfed child.

CONGRATS :-)

expatinscotland Sat 18-Sep-10 20:05:28

Gah, we've been to some shite weddings .

Portofino Sat 18-Sep-10 20:09:05

Oh yes MAC! I am strong and good at sorting those "problem" relatives! My exMIL insisted on having sherry to offer to people at the reception. I was doubtful, so made HER pay for 2 cases of sweet and 2 cases of dry. I was then "forced" to drink the remaining 23 bottles - as I didn't want to waste it - after work for several months, and developed a bit of an addiction for it! grin

sue52 Sat 18-Sep-10 20:12:14

Tell your guests to colour coordinate, ask for cash as a present, serve no alcohol and have organic vegan caterers. DH is still muttering "200 quid and no bloody drinks".

These are really funny - wondering how many are from bitter experience or just made up grin

My tip is to hire a DJ that plays morose heartbreak songs and tell him to refuse to play anything else (yes, this did happen)

expatinscotland Sat 18-Sep-10 20:23:52

Octopus, you really can't make some of this stuff up!

ravenAK Sat 18-Sep-10 20:27:35

Insist dh chooses your ex as his best man. Get drunk & heckle him to get his kit off throughout his speech.

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 20:29:48

madascheese, I like your thinking. I think, in fact, you should ask all members of the same family (eg., bride's side, groom's side) to choose one photogenic child. That way, not only will most of the children, but also most of the parents, will feel slighted. And fight.

Win!

I think you should also audition them for cute aisle-walking skills.

Btw, mad, have you read Lucy Mangan's book The Reluctant Bride? It's like this thread, but longer and very funny - it's her diary of her wedding.

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 20:35:23

I must share the best one though (though perhaps it only works for me).

Email your SIL-to-be, asking if you can borrow her wedding dress as she got married a month ago. Tell her, you'll need to get it taken in as you are much thinner, and you don't especially want the shoes (this is still in your email asking, remember, not after SIL has said yes), because you prefer some others you have.

Finish off by saying it's a small wedding and you're trying to save money - when you've invited the guests to travel to a foreign country, 80 miles from the airport. Twice in ten days.

Yes, ok, I rant! grin

popeonarope Sat 18-Sep-10 20:37:45

Just before the ceremony, creep up to your mother and say 'look I know you are probably really upset about what MiL said about your dress but I think you look amazing'. Then say the same thing to your MiL. Ensure they are kept separate for four hours by the groomsmen so they have time for angry feelings to fester.

Insist your bridesmaids slim down to a size eight before your wedding in six weeks - offer Alli pills as part of the bridesmaid's briefing notes.

TeamEdward Sat 18-Sep-10 20:50:15

Ensure that the vicar makes several mentions of "touching your ring" during his sermon.

popeonarope Sat 18-Sep-10 20:57:42

If inviting lots of elderly relatives be sure to include a compulsory roller disco at the reception.

Make sure the vicar does a lengthy sermon about being blessed with children if you are unable to have any.

The ensuing tears will make for really memorable photos

sad

cheaphawaiian Sat 18-Sep-10 21:02:50

If I had known, when I got married, the strange effect a dance floor has on young boys, I would have positioned the cake table along with a tower of champagne glasses at one end.

Having french doors to crash into as they slid across on their knees didn't really exploit the small children/broken glass scenario to it's fullest potential.

taintedpaint Sat 18-Sep-10 21:04:48

The following has been gathered from weddings I have attended:

1. Have your ceremony in a church that apparently means an awful lot to both families (despite the fact that neither of you are religious or attend church), then have your reception at a venue absolutely miles away. Your guests will love you for having to organise the transport, especially the out-of-towners who will obviously know how to navigate round the country roads that even sat-navs can't handle. Also insist that overnight guests stay at said venue, even though the rooms are overpriced and the staff rude and moronic. A nice extra touch would be to invite some guests to only the ceremony and the evening do, which means they have about eight hours to kill. This will obviously include those who have travelled hundreds of miles to be with you on your special day.

2. Allow hideous stepmother of the groom to sit at the top table to keep the balance right. This will be in stark contrast to the feelings of almost everyone in the wedding party, but because it 'looks right', this is the important thing. Make sure she bitches and moans through the whole thing as well, this is a nice touch. Ensure she tells all the guests how awful her stepchildren are (groom included), whilst simultaneously singing the praises of her waster biological children.

3. In extention of (2), ask stepmother of the groom to dress like a demented blue parrot. Having a collection of ugly feathers coating her entire head will complete the look. Ensure her dress is at least two sizes too small and that her make up is caked on with an industrial tool.

4. Have your wedding breakfast at least six hours after the ceremony. Fill the six hours with outdoor photos (even though it's scorching hot). Provide only Pimms and an extortionately expensive private bar for refreshments. Treat any fainting guests as an inconvienience.

5. Ask for money as a wedding gift. If you can, think up a cringeworthy poem to request said money.

I probably have more tbh, I've witnessed some truly bizarre sights at weddings....will come back if I think of any additional good ones!

popeonarope Sat 18-Sep-10 21:16:45

May I suggest the following text in your wedding invitations:

We invite you to share our joy
For we shall not elope
We'd like to ask you to help out
With this pink envelope

Please help provide the wine, the shoes
The sausages and mash
For weddings are expensive
So please do send some cash

We wouldn't dream of asking
toasters we have plenty
But perhaps a couple of fivers
Or if you can, a twenty?

taintedpaint Sat 18-Sep-10 21:19:27

@ popeonarope OMG vomit.

popeonarope Sat 18-Sep-10 21:20:25

I am particularly proud of that one wink

maryz Sat 18-Sep-10 21:26:36

Please tell me you made that up.

That it wasn't from a real wedding.

Please.

<<Though going by this thread I suspect the worst>>

popeonarope Sat 18-Sep-10 21:27:26

I did indeed make it up. The one I received was worse and three pages long.

NonnoMum Sat 18-Sep-10 21:27:54

And to continue the theme Pope (you've been awfully busy recently- glad you had time for a bit of poetry...)

We really would have loved to
Invited you all day
But you see, you're on the B list
So you really cannot stay

for the wedding breakfast
but come back in the eve
ning to dance the night away

To a local shite DJ
Who really knows his stuff
By that time, after pernod,
The groom's family get rough
And like to have a word
or two with anyone they think
Might not see the world like they do
Or even like to drink

Ok - v shite compared to the Pope's efforts but I think there could be a theme coming on???

FellatioNelson Sat 18-Sep-10 21:28:27

Only serve water at the sit-down meal because your DH's friends can't be trusted not to get embarrassingly drunk and loud. (yes I really know someone who did this.)

UnquietDad Sat 18-Sep-10 21:32:56

We thank you for your invite
In which you ask for dosh,
It's just a bit damn cheeky
And quite a lot of bosh.

So sorry, we won't be coming,
We'd rather give a present,
But your mercenary demands
Are really quite unpleasant.

A lavish wedding is the thing
For which bridezillas hanker,
But really, have a bit more pride,
You materialist wanker!

maryz Sat 18-Sep-10 21:35:14

grin

NonnoMum Sat 18-Sep-10 21:37:14

V V good Unquiet. Come on everyone else?

JaneS Sat 18-Sep-10 21:44:19

Not poetic, but my cousin complained madly that someone sent her a succinct email reading:

'We weren't planning to get you a toaster anyway'.

grin

I wish I had the balls.

popeonarope Sat 18-Sep-10 21:46:46

Include the following on your invites

(1) ROAR*
(2) All guests must wear keep nipples covered at all time.
(3) You are reminded that the poles in the marquee are not for dancing on.
(4) Entry before the church service free, after 7pm £10 per adult.
(5) No fat chicks.



(*Right of Admission Reserved)

Invite guests for an evening do then ensure your day and meal over-runs so badly that the evening guests are left to wait in a cold room, talking quietly without any DRINK as the bar isn't open........

Fenouille Sat 18-Sep-10 21:55:11

Make sure you invite the only overseas guest for the evening do only (carriages at 12!) and make sure the venue is as far away from any airports as possible.

Have the uncles of the groom do a karaoke version of 'Old MacDonald Had a Farm'. Ah, who am I kidding? That was an awesome wedding grin

If you organise coach transport between the restaurant and hotel make sure that 5 guests think it's leaving 1.5 hours later than everyone else. Everyone will enjoy sitting around waiting for them to turn up. You can heighten the pleasure by asking the coach driver to put on a video of the regional heats of last year's 'Britain's Got Talent'.

Fenouille Sat 18-Sep-10 21:57:12

Congratulations by the way - being married is awesome!

paprikamole Sat 18-Sep-10 21:57:17

Congratulations!

I've loved reading all these - brings back many happy memories

Insist on having every guest appear in a photo. Hold this photo shoot outside the chuch (i.e. with no sustenance) on either a very hot or very cold day. Each photo is a particular group e.g. groom's family, bride's uni friends etc. Start with the most important (work colleagues of yester-year) and leave families till last. Have the photographer take several versions of each photo to make sure it's just right.

Disappear with new DH for 2 hours after drinks. Send half the guests home and await the arrival of the next lot. Those who are priviledged to stay for the whole event should be evicted from the marquee/hall with no food or drink until your return.

Put the very obviously gay couple on the same table as your very homophobic great aunt.

Would really love to be a fly on the wall at your wedding MAC

paprikamole Sat 18-Sep-10 21:59:30

Oh and another thing - make sure you pick a date that coincides with loads of big sporting events. My father's been married twice, both times on big cricket days. My uncle was his best man on both occasions and had a pocket radio with ear piece. He spent most of his speech updating the guests on the score.

muminthemiddle Sat 18-Sep-10 22:11:02

Have a mid week wedding, preferably straight after the 6 week summer holidays. Hold the wedding mid-day so it is difficult for people to get time off work/school having just been off for 6 weeks.
Tell your guests that they must wear clothes conforming to a set colour theme and offer to provide part of this uniform to all the men, then when a guest explains they will struggle to attend the service but can come along straight after work,take the said clothing away and make them attend in "normal clothing".

Definately do the "oh please don't buy us a gift as we have everything we could possibly need, our love is all that we desire." Then in the invite put in one of those delightful poems asking for cash.

Remember no children- except those of "special friends".

Please shove at least 2 families along with a few random guests into another room/annexe preferably one where they cannot see or hear the more important guests.
It is essential that these guests are served their food LAST and only get the left overs once the more important guests have been served.

OOh and spend lots of time moaning about prettier guests in stylish outfits who have deliberately worn such clothing to outshine you.

MarineIguana Sat 18-Sep-10 22:31:28

Serve a bizarre series of almost identical salads, varying only by the occasional addition of a few nuts, for the sit-down meal. (A French wedding I went to!)

Invite all your hard-partying/regularly fornicating/Jewish mates and make them sit through an endless fire-and-brimstone sermon about how everyone who has turned up at the church ought to convert to Christianity forthwith.

Get drunk and moan loudly about how crap your cake is (the bride)

Make your guests trail through a soggy garden bedecked with duck shit and stand in the rain to watch the ceremony, with the perfectly good stately home that you have hired 20 yards away.

Inertia Sat 18-Sep-10 22:33:20

Congratulations Madascheese !

The best man should have ideally never attended a wedding and should make numerous references to top shelf magazines throughout the speech.

Male members of the bride's family should appear halfway through the reception in wellies and Jimmy Cricket hats to drag the groom into an impromptu singalong.

The bride's father should profess astonishment in his speech that she ever found a husband as she never really managed to get boyfriends.

The bride and groom should request meaningful suggestions for songs beforehand, which the DJ will ignore in order to play Whitney Houston's greatest hits.

If you are the bride, you should greet all wives of your husband's lifelong friends with the words " I don't know you !" ( including the ones you've met several times ).

Portofino Sat 18-Sep-10 22:48:38

Make sure your guests know that their small children are more than welcome at the event. Then organise the reception at some small place MILES out of town, lay on a bus, then lie about the return time so that everyone is forced to stay there until 3am!

Be too stingy to actually lay on any entertainment for said 9 hour long drinking session and get the groom to make a mix on his iPod and borrow some speakers. Make sure that the groom has a very crap ecletic taste in music.

Be extremely precious about having your photo taken by guests in case any of them end up on FB.

ginnny Sat 18-Sep-10 23:05:42

Congratulations:
Apologies if this has been said already, but be sure to sit your divorced parents together at the top table then sit their spouses together at the back of the room. They will love comparing notes about how crap their first marriages were and if you are lucky there will be a fight to entertain the other guests.
Also, sit your evil SIL next to your DHs son from his first marriage so that she can tell him what a bitch his mother was and how his dad is so much happier with his new family.

secretskillrelationships Sat 18-Sep-10 23:15:39

Have your DP's brother, who has a crush on the bride, as Best Man. Get him extremely drunk and then let him loose on the speech. Ensure he repeats 'She's really really lovely' enough times that no-one misses it. Even better, have friend announce that she'd like to say a few words which indicate that she has been holding a torch for the bride for several years.

I second the long gap between wedding and reception idea. Also ensure that you don't invite friends who got you together in the first place but get married in the centre of the town/village in which you all live.

Once had 2 weddings on the same day so went to ceremony of first and them drove 60 miles to ceremony of the second. Decided we needed food etc so stopped off at cafe. Rolled up to reception venue about 2 hours later to find guests 'waiting' for the bride and groom!

Congratulations!

Panzee was it you that received the two squares of material? Did anyone figure out what they were for?

ElephantsAndMiasmas Sat 18-Sep-10 23:37:08

Ensure you are marrying someone 5 times friendlier than you are, then when he invites all his amiable friends and family, who have to travel a long way to get there, make sure you give them evil looks and refuse to make conversation with them - what do they want? Try to keep your acknowledgement down to a fierce glare at any woman who dares to stand near, hug or congratulate the groom, even if she is over 50/under 18 or has known him since birth.

Make sure that at least one member of your/DH's immediate family is roaring drunk/slightly mad, as their occasional cries of "dreadful" or "vile" throughout the wedding/speeches will really make help the day go smoothly.

While you are having the requisite 1000 photos taken of you and DH in simpering poses near a weeping willow, it is essential that your guests are kept well stocked with cheap wine BUT on no account allow them any food at all, not a morsel. This will ensure that nausea and drunkenness come into play at the earliest possible opportunity.

In fact, the longer you starve your guests for, the less likely they are to reject the odious morsels delicious repast that should be served stone cold. Try to avoid serving anything that would normally be fed to humans - consider a plate of bitter undressed leaves peppered with flaked unidentifiably fish bits, or - for the vegetarians - fragments of "blue cheese" that are manifestly just mould.

Don't forget that being visible and audible to your guests during the interminable speeches removes the mystery. Far better to hold the entire thing in an L-shaped room where at least half of your guests will be able to make their own entertainment by guessing what the lucky few who can see and hear you are laughing at.

Congratulations

ElephantsAndMiasmas Sat 18-Sep-10 23:41:07

Oh no, forgot a couple of essentials:

- DO go with tradition and have a greeting line. Everyone - but especially any tiny children in the wedding party - will really appreciate the chance to wear a fixed grin for hours and be forbidden from moving from the spot, while being forced to shake hands with a neverending succession of total strangers.

and

- DO choose a first dance for yourself and DH that is at least 6 minutes long, and preferably as maudlin as possible. This will really get the party started with a bang.

NotAfraidOfTheBudget Sat 18-Sep-10 23:45:53

dont forget to ensure your MIL/mum wears either white or funereal black

have the meal in a really large room and insist on no mic for any of the speeches...dont want the plebs at the back to hear them!

invite over 200 guests for a greek orthodox wedding in a teeny tiny chapel so only the lucky 20 get to sit down for the 90 min ceremony

Congrats!!

nobodysmama Sat 18-Sep-10 23:51:21

Congratulations on your engagement! Wedding planning is such fun, be sure to tell all your friends and colleagues about every little detail.

If you ask a friend to take the photos because you're trying to save money, and she declines because she is, after all, not a professional photographer, do insist she does it anyway.

If you're thinking of getting your bridesmaid a special present to thank her, she'd love a pair of trainers with her name on them.

And MarineIguana, were we at the same wet, outdoor wedding?! grin

Dione Sun 19-Sep-10 00:17:12

Congratulations Mad.grin

Hire a bunch of hookers and put one at each table. Tell them they'll get paid at the end of the night for each guest they service.

Lynli Sun 19-Sep-10 01:05:38

When arranging your DDs wedding uninvite half your family to the wedding breakfast and let them spend six hours doing nothing.
Spend the money you saved taking the DW away for a week in Rome.

Spend other large amounts of money on a chocolate fountain, and a ceremony to release 20 doves and a heart shaped hot air balloon into the sky.

Have an alcohol free reception at which guests are all expected to get up and make a solemn and moving statement or read a poem they have written about how important marriage is and how special the bride and groom are. Those who can cope with writing and performing their own poems still have to listen to everyone else's.

Congratulations.

Do make sure that you pick an expensive hotel that you rave about, which then treats your guests like dirt. This can include refusing to bring the wedding cake in to the reception room for it to be cut, telling all the guests to stop standing on the lawn as they are ruining the view, putting all the guests in the antiquated hotel annex and then billing them all twice.

Lovely wedding that was.

Madascheese Sun 19-Sep-10 07:24:13

Marvellous keep them coming, we are struggling to work out how we will fit all these into one day so are now considering a wedding weekend which will provide the added bonus of forcing everyone (who really cares to stay in the only accomodation around here which is B&B, it's getting better by the moment...

(Not really, but are now seriously considering Gretna Green!)

mummytime Sun 19-Sep-10 07:57:59

Oh! Invite random people from your past (none of whom have seen each other for at least 10 years). Have no time to talk to any of them, make sure your family don't know any of them either, and arrange a venue where it is hard for the guests to mix.

Oh and ask the vicar to do his sermon on "Matrimony means the making of mothers" There is bound to be someone with fertility issues there.

TheProvincialLady Sun 19-Sep-10 08:18:58

Oh just have it on Christmas Eve. I bet you look lovely in white fake fur and red velvet, and that's what's really important here isn't it?

mckenzie Sun 19-Sep-10 08:36:37

and make sure you tell the best man's girl friend/wife/partner that you quite understand if she doesn't want to come to the wedding as best man will obviously be sitting on top table and she won't. Then when she says she quite understands that but would love to come anyway to celebrate your special day, don't put her anywhere on the seating plan and then on the day as everyone is about to sit down ask the waitress to squeeze her on to a small table already holding 4 people she has never met before rather than just adding one more place setting to the very large round table full of people she does know. Honestly, she wont mind.

vinchaud Sun 19-Sep-10 09:42:41

Arrange wedding for when SIL's baby is due, make wedding venue 5 hours from SIL's home, tell her she's expected to come and that local hospital has good maternity unit.

Have marquee in garden and expect guests to fix the toilets when they break.

Be very late for ceremony when everyone has to stand up in hot room.

Have horse and carriage which everyone gets stuck behind for ages getting to reception (the breastfeeding mothers especially appreciate this).

Have 2 drinks receptions. An exclusive one for those in the know, one for the plebs.

Serve really raw beef which someone has to carve at the table in a novelty fashion, followed by a night of food poisoning.

Of course a long slow receiving line where nobody is allowed a drink until they are through.

Fenouille Sun 19-Sep-10 10:00:44

Ah, yes, if as NotAfraidOfTheBudget suggests you do go for the tiny chapel that none of your friends who have come from all over Europe can fit into, please also make sure that the chapel's at the top of a cliff with no access for cars. Most importantly don't tell anyone about this arrangement or to bring sensible shoes for the hike that entails.

That wedding was lovely overall, but there were a few near misses of elderly relatives fainting and twisted ankles due to climbing over rocks in stilettos shock

PS Why stop at a weekend? Make it a week long celebration of your lurve (with compulsory attendance for the whole seven days, preferably in an outrageously expensive hotel in the middle of nowhere) and then have massive fallings out with anyone who 'claims' they can't get all that time off work. As others have suggested, try to make this coincide with the fist week of term and as many guests' significant birthdays and anniversaries as you can. Refuse to acknowledge any of these with sulky cries of, "I'm the bride, you should all be celebrating my big day."

Have a 'wedding themed' wedding and insist everyone turns up in their own wedding dresses or buys/hires one. Then change your mind at the last minute and then have a meltdown because everyone is dressed the same as you and noone knows who the bride is.

FakePlasticTrees Sun 19-Sep-10 10:01:17

Allow your parents to invite a large number of people you haven't seen since your own christening, thus meaning there isn't room for the groom's uni housemates. Allow your parents to dictate all aspects of the wedding as "the bride's family are the hosts", but expect the groom to pick up the bill for al this. See no problem with him having to cash in shares at the bottom of the market in order to find the money for "your big day".

Arrange for your drinks reception to be outside, make no allowances for rain. Ideally, this should be in a large field so ladies in heels will start to sink in. Be annoyed that people have 'ugly' brollies.

For two months before the wedding, be on a very public wedding diet. Everyone needs to know about it. Take it as an insult when the groom's friends invite you for a BBQ as the food will be fattening and they are trying to make you look bad on your wedding day. Ideally, don't actually loose any weight so that all the guests spend the wedding day trying to work out if you have lost any weight or if you've picked an unflattering dress. When anyone tells you that you look beautiful, look at them like you're trying to work out if they are being sarcastic.

marantha Sun 19-Sep-10 10:10:21

TessoftheBurbs I understand completely what you are saying about not inviting kids because of a weddding containing adult themes, but I did say if a person were to invite family and friends they should include the children.

In all honesty, if a person were to hold a truly off-the-wall wedding involving adult themes such as orgies and cocaine, I would very, very much doubt that any of their families (that would be totally sick in my opinion , whereas an orgy just involving friends would be live-and-let-live) would be invited to it, so I don't really see your point.

Truth is that most weddings follow much the same script- why else would we all be able to have a thread like this where we can all relate to what is being written?

FellatioNelson Sun 19-Sep-10 10:23:32

As you are not religious, reject the traditional vows in favour of some sickeningly sentimental schmaltzy personalised vows that make all the guests want to disappear into their own coats with embarrassment.

anyabanya Sun 19-Sep-10 10:41:28

Ask the best man to include this gem in his speech;

'remember the [bride's name] is like a frying pan. You have to warm her up before you stick the fat in'.

This actually happened at a wedding I went to. It did not go down at all well, really.

inthesticks Sun 19-Sep-10 10:46:02

I do think that you need to give at least 2 years notice of proposed wedding. 3 months isn't nearly long enough for people to hear your detailed plans.
It's traditional to mention some minor aspect of the wedding plan at least every half hour to your friends and colleagues. They will be gripped by your dilemma over table decorations for a wedding that is to take place in 2012.

superdragonmama Sun 19-Sep-10 10:59:40

Congratulations mad!

My suggestions to make your special day that bit more 'special'.

Invite several of your ex boyfriends, and make sure your father refers to them frequently in his 50 minute speech. These men are the 'ones who got away'. He must put extra emphasis on his favourite one, the one who really should be at your side today. Listen with joy as he berates you on your final choice of DH. Of course, he must make sure he doesn't mention the new groom once.

Have a distinctive dress code for all members of your family, and your friends, but forget to mention this to DH's family. Laugh merrily when DH's family arrive dressed differently to everyone else.

Do not be upset when chief bridesmaid has a quickie in the car park of the reception venue with your new DH. Your brothers/uncles/father will defend you with their fists. This will make your wedding very memorable. (Maybe you should have served some food with all that alcohol??)

Only arrange hotel accommodation for close friends, and leave out-of-town members of yours and DP's families to fend for themselves. After all, who is more important to you??

So many great suggestions on this thread!! You're going to have a WONDERFUL day grin

superdragonmama Sun 19-Sep-10 11:07:15

'remember the [bride's name] is like a frying pan. You have to warm her up before you stick the fat in'.

Nooooooo!!!!! shockshockshockshock

ROFL gringrin

marantha Sun 19-Sep-10 11:08:44

If anyone does know of any adult-themed weddings on the horizon involving orgies and vats of cocaine please, please say so here.

I would like to help the bride in any way I can in preparation for the 'big day' and devote my every waking hour to her wedding preparations. I am willing to be interrupted at work, at 3am- whenever. I don't mind at all.

Not that I'd want an invite or anything like that. Oh no, certainly not, I am totally selfless. smile

TessOfTheBurbs Sun 19-Sep-10 11:12:42

Oh marantha... I was obviously kidding about the coke-fuelled orgy. The point is, the couple don't have to justify why they might have deviated from the identikit white-wedding script that you think everyone getting married in church should adhere too. There are wedding pitfalls that we should all aim to steer clear of, as detailed in this thread, but that doesn't mean we have to choose between either the registry office in jeans with two local tramps for witnesses, or a floor-length white dress and veil in church with all the village children skipping about with garlands of flowers atop their cherubic heads, and the bride having to change her surname.

I do think it's nice to see children at wedings, and more considerate to the parents to invite children, but
a) nice is subjective, and
b) considerate - means consideration towards guests is the issue, not doing it because it's part of the church wedding package that you've supposedly signed up for.

TessOfTheBurbs Sun 19-Sep-10 11:13:09

adhere to*

TessOfTheBurbs Sun 19-Sep-10 11:13:32

damn it, wrong bolding. to

Panzee Sun 19-Sep-10 11:14:38

As much as I love children at weddings, I think "no children" is a clever way of making sure your devil nieces Chloe and Radcliffe don't get to ruin the service /photos / speeches/ wedding dress.

TessOfTheBurbs Sun 19-Sep-10 11:15:00

"If anyone does know of any adult-themed weddings on the horizon involving orgies and vats of cocaine please, please say so here.

I would like to help the bride in any way I can in preparation for the 'big day' and devote my every waking hour to her wedding preparations. I am willing to be interrupted at work, at 3am- whenever. I don't mind at all.

Not that I'd want an invite or anything like that. Oh no, certainly not, I am totally selfless. "

grin I didn't see that before I posted just now. I'll be sure to let you know.

superdragonmama Sun 19-Sep-10 11:16:06

Oo yes!

If your mother has qualms about your DP, encourage her to dress in funeral black, with a lace veil, to express her inner concerns. This is a kindness to her.

Also, if your MIL-to-be has any concerns about you, appreciate her gesture of wearing a --wedding dress-- complimentary white/cream outfit to yours on the happy day.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Sun 19-Sep-10 11:16:25

Also, in the run up to the wedding, try to alternate the wedding plans discussions with as many allusions as possible to what a bastard your husband-to-be is: how uncaring, unsupportive, downright rude, domineering etc. When your friends/colleagues can no longer contain themselves and gently ask why you are marrying him in that case, be mortally offended and shun aforesaid friends/colleagues henceforth.

INsist on inviting all your H2B's XPs to the wedding, including tracking down women who he hasn't seen for 10 years, and instruct your dad to make a big deal in his speech about how your now-H was a man everyone thought would never settle down but you have 'tamed' him....

taintedpaint Sun 19-Sep-10 11:46:23

I'm nominating this for classics, can't bear for it to disappear without a trace! Has been brilliant reading through all these!

I am feeling rather blush that I am genuinely planning some of these suggestions for my own wedding, oblivious to the irritation I am going to cause!

(seriously though, how can a free bar and a ceildah be that bad confused)

Make sure you seat your weird old neighbours, who hate children and can talk at length about their hatred for them, on one of the only two tables with children. If possible the table with slightly older children who will understand what is being said.

This is particularly effective if the only other guests on the table have just found out she's pregnant.

taintedpaint Sun 19-Sep-10 11:58:03

Yay we are in Classics! (Thanks Helen for the email!)

MrsDinky Sun 19-Sep-10 12:00:35

Spend the year leading up to the wedding patronizing eveyonr you know by telling that you wedding is going to be "a little bit different" as if everyone who has a conventional wedding is just far too inferior.

JaneS Sun 19-Sep-10 12:01:54

Ooh, great, we're in Classics!

Get the mother of the groom to send out invitations to the wedding on behalf of her son (pissing of traditionalists and non-trads alike).

Ensure that when anyone replies with a polite 'no, can't make it', she throws a massive strop and threatens dire pain and shame if all plans that conflict with the wedding are not canceled immediately. If anyone is foolish enough to turn up after this, tell the whole room (especially, the bride) that her guests didn't really want to be there and are missing a holiday for it. She'll love you for it.

This works especially well if you didn't send out invitations/any mention of the date until a few months beforehand.

mummytime Sun 19-Sep-10 12:08:57

Little pickle head: free bar is fine; no bar is bad. Ceildah is fine, making everyone dance, and nowhere to talk is bad.

Oh don't bother with any thank you letters, or any future communication with those who attended the wedding afterwards. (Why spend a fortune on a meal for me and family and then drop us forever afterwards?)

notcitrus Sun 19-Sep-10 12:48:09

Don't invite your parents because they'll look 'scruffy' compared to millionaire fiancee's family. Grudgingly invite them after siblings give you an earful, but uninvite sibling1. Sibling2 is still OK.

Spend forever on speeches before the food gets brought out. Food finally arrives. MIL is moved to praise the Lord, so top table and most guests all do so for about 15 minutes, until the food is stone cold. During this, remaining guests realise the wine is in fact not only non-alcoholic but tastes absolutely foul.

Invite groom's old friend from uni that he hasn't seen since. Somehow it hadn't got to the happy couple that the reason no-one was in contact with him was that the guy had beaten up/raped not one, not two, but three women. Two of whom were in the wedding party and turned around to see his grinning face...

Make big deal about how much you are spending your your dress and the crystal carriage pulled by white swans that you are going to arrive in. Then have the reception in a damp, odd-smelling community centre and a buffet of value sausage rolls, own brand crisps and a pay bar.

Madascheese Sun 19-Sep-10 12:52:49

Really? Classics?

preens

NonnoMum Sun 19-Sep-10 13:10:18

See, Madas. What a happen time for you; new jewellery AND in Classics. You are a true MNer...

Oh, and another one I've remembered...

Insist in holding your wedding in an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean, so all you family just HAVE to take unpaid leave to get there, and spend all their holiday savings for the next three years on your wedding.

Then brag about how much CHEAPER it is doing it this way.

Then, on the big day itself, insist that the wedding meal takes places in the "upgraded" restaurant on the complex where guests have to pay extra dollars to join you to celebrate your meal, and do not offer to pay the upgrade for anyone.

Kind. And generous.

NonnoMum Sun 19-Sep-10 13:13:03

happy time for you, happen

ElephantsAndMiasmas Sun 19-Sep-10 13:14:58

Ah yes, speeches. If you are going to conform to the creepy delightful tradition of having your new DH, father and DH's friend talk about you during the speeches, while you sit silently between them, DO make sure that they include plenty of stories that depict you as a spoilt, selfish, controlling PITA under the guise of "praising" you for your wonderful organisational skills etc. This will really reassure the weeping mother of the groom, and all DH's friends/family who have never met you before. The aghast looks on their faces are an indication of their awe at the holy state of matrimony.

JaneS Sun 19-Sep-10 13:32:33

Oooh yes, elephants. Ideally, the bride's father should drop in plenty of references to the groom's financial responsibility for his new bride. The line 'now you'll be paying for all her shopping with your hard work' goes down especially well.

My kindly uncle, fearing my dad had accidentally left out this essential part of his speech, generously provided it in loud and repeated tones as everyone else applauded my dad's speech.

I was touched, deeply.

marantha Sun 19-Sep-10 13:50:51

You really really mustn't forget to get so absolutely plastered that you end up on floor with your beautiful wedding frock around your waist legs wide apart showing all you've got because your mum and her friends have asked to see your garter. This will result in much hilarity for them.
You must make sure that an old friend is nearby to try to stop you doing this and that your new husband has a go at old friend for failing to 'stop you making a fool of yourself' (make sure old friend has handkerchief to hand to mop up blood from biting their tongue)
It is imperative that your old friend is available to use as verbal punchbag because groom will not risk a scene by having a go at new mum-in-law for preventing your behaviour.

Also, make sure that you are so pissed that some female relatives and mates feel that you may suffocate in sleep thus are torn between:
1, Helping you out of aforementioned gorgeous dress with all accompaniments (such as sharp hairdress pins) and putting you in recovery position or...
2, Putting you to bed fully-frocked and letting you be because of some old-fashioned notion that this is 'groom's job' on his wedding night.

Suncottage Sun 19-Sep-10 15:11:12

Ask for money for a new kitchen rather than presents.

Then never ask your guests round to view the very thing they have paid for.

They won't mind. Honest

[I want a new kitchen - contemplates marrying DP............]

KN1979 Sun 19-Sep-10 15:35:41

Hold your reception in the middle of nowhere, ensuring that only you and your new husband are able to stay there overnight. Direct your guests to accommodation in a nearby village with the promise of a bus service from the reception at the end of the night.

When the bus doesn't turn up, go to bed unconcerned - it is, after all, your wedding - however be sure that you have picked a location which has no mobile coverage, that none of your guests are from the area and that you have not left details of the bus company with anyone. This ensures guests have no option but to walk 20 miles in high heels/drunk/lost/cold through country roads. That should do it.

CMOTdibbler Sun 19-Sep-10 16:04:01

Choose to get married in the evening on Christmas eve, in an unheated church, in a town that neither of you live in and which requires all of your guests to drive for several hours to get to.

Or, select a small hotel where you and some select guests can stay, but everyone else will have at least a 30 minute drive to a hotel

tattycoram Sun 19-Sep-10 16:06:33

Even better Suncottage ask your guests for cash contributions to something really really special to you, a piano, a rug, a beautiful painting and then don't bother to buy it.

tattycoram Sun 19-Sep-10 16:09:26

Just because you are asking everyone to pay hundreds of pounds to see you get married abroad don't think they won't also want to buy something from your fabulously expensive tasteful wedding list.

Of everything mentioned here I really think this is the most grabby and shocking thing to do

FakePlasticTrees Sun 19-Sep-10 16:17:15

Have a wedding list at somewhere like John Lewis. Let everyone go into the stores and buy things off your list, with the requested 'delivery after the wedding' option. Then contact John Lewis the week before and cancelled all actual gifts, requesting gift vouchers to the value of the presents you would have recieved and then buy other things not on the list with said vouchers.

Tell your guests at the wedding you have done this. They won't consider this to be rude, or think you should have just asked for vouchers in the first place. they won't mind the time they spent deciding what to get you off the list, they'll think you are in no way irritating and totally reasonable in deciding you'd rather have 2 large chandeliers in your normal sized home rather than plates and glasses.

Suncottage Sun 19-Sep-10 16:32:11

This has appeared several times but I really must add to it.

Have your wedding at a remote location (a stately home say).

Get married there at 1 pm and then leave the guests for two hours in a freezing lobby while you do the photos. Do not supply food or drink. You will be spoiling them. Some of them may have been up at the crack of sparrow fart to get there - DO NOT BE TEMPTED BY THEIR TIRED AND DRAWN FACES - this is just emotional blackmail

Wedding breakfast to start at 3pm and finish at 4.30pm

After the wedding breakfast go to your room for a nap to recover for the evening reception

Leave your guests in the freezing lobby again for three and a half hours with the door to the bar locked before the evening reception starts at 8pm.

Make sure there is no where for them to escape to like a local pub with heat or drinks. Guests can be cunning and devious like that.

Anyway, they are so delirious with joy over your nuptials they will not care either way! grin

Suncottage Sun 19-Sep-10 16:39:16

My personal favourite - pick a venue with an expensive wooden floor and put on the invite "No High Heels" to be worn.

I am 5'1". Without heels my DP has somewhere to rest his pint.

KN1979 Sun 19-Sep-10 16:40:39

Whatever you do, don't have a quick chat with your bridesmaids before booking the wedding to make sure that there aren't any dates that are completely out for them - say the date of another wedding at which their partner is best man.

Ceec Sun 19-Sep-10 17:25:51

Make sure you have your ceremony in a church that is slightly too small for all your guests, then get the ushers to make everyone stand "unless elderly or pregnant" and watch as the 11 week pregnant, tired and vomiting woman who is trying to wait till the scan before outing herself is dragged to her feet...

Katisha Sun 19-Sep-10 17:28:24

Invite someone who only knows you or the groom, and nobody else at the entire wedding, and then put them on a table with 6 other people who are all old friends going back years...

I am very anti the B-list ceremony and evening do only invitations. I think it's possibly worse to be invited to those than not to the wedding at all. Especially when the event is miles away. Either have people you want at the reception or not.

Suncottage Sun 19-Sep-10 17:34:05

Please make your guests join in with a congo round the hotel.

They really, really love that.

I actually envied my friend who had a broken ankle and was exempted from that particular jollity.

envy

tribpot Sun 19-Sep-10 17:34:16

Here's one. If you can't afford the catering, and two of your mum's sibs offer to pay for it for you, simply don't respond at all to this offer. Screw them, how very dare they!

Suncottage Sun 19-Sep-10 17:36:25

Sorry meant CONGA.

Still distraught at the memory...

ElephantsAndMiasmas Sun 19-Sep-10 18:10:05

What's all this about the groom's mother wearing white/a wedding dress? does this actually happen?

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird Sun 19-Sep-10 18:10:53

Arrange the whole wedding in a country house at least 4 hours drive from where you or any of your friends or family live. Make sure that there is no other accommodation near so all your guests have to stay there. Make sure it is somewhere with one lovely 4 poster bedroom and en suite waterfall shower for you...the guests won't mind paying 100 pounds a night to be crammed into the other un-renovated rooms with broken bathrooms.

At this miles from anywhere country house ensure that only one meal is provided (at 5pm) for the entire 1pm - 2am wedding. This should be a buffet, ensuring that guests have to queue for food and that everything has run out by the time the last table are allowed to start queuing.

The guests will especially appreciate being kicked out of their rooms at 9am on Sunday morning so that the next wedding party can come in.

Suncottage Sun 19-Sep-10 19:21:17

You could do what my friend did and book the hotel for the reception then ask your friend's to stay there at their own expense and be 'mystery shoppers' for her.

We were expected to go armed with her checklist of anything we didn't like!

She also wrote to the hotel with her list of 'improvements' she required such as the redecoration of the loos etc etc.

They sent her deposit back with a brief note saying that day was now 'unavailable'.

She was furious.

Madascheese Sun 19-Sep-10 19:24:35

Thank you for all the lovely congratulations, We've been a bit overwhelmed by the r/l reaction and have had a busy weekend celebrating which sort of took us by surprise!

We are over the moon and I have a very sparkly finger which I'm already boring everyone rigid with.

I'm clearly starting as I mean to go on by forgetting my manners and thanking people.

I promise I'll be back with weekly updates on hot issues such as the thread count in the table linen and the quality of foliage...

Thanks again as well for making this a classic hope you're all enjoying it as much as we are

Portofino Sun 19-Sep-10 19:29:21

I am looking forward personally to a plethora of full on Bridezilla FB updates! wink A friend of mine spent 2 years planning her wedding. This involved 2 changes of engagement ring, and 3 changes of dress. She was married for a year then left him as he was "boring".

Lotkinsgonecurly Sun 19-Sep-10 19:32:15

Make sure at a wedding you have not yet been to but is getting better by the minute, that all the family are invited without children. But it's so far away from everyones home that 2 full days childcare are needed. The stag night costs a fortune and after re reading the invitation its been discovered that you are not actually going to the whole day but to the church and evening. However, some family members are now going to the whole day as people drop out. Also bear in mind this is said grooms second wedding and there is a certain amount of deja vu about the whole thing.

Madascheese Sun 19-Sep-10 19:43:42

Porto, I'm aiming to please of course. Still trying to digest all this lot, I'm rather worried that what we are planning doesn't currently tick a single box here - can't fathom what I'm missing, surely there must be some way for us to do something that we really, really need but is guaranteed to piss off several people we'd previously expressed care for....

Sadly you (presumably, being on mumsnet) don't qualify for my favourite: the preachy preachy vicar who points to you as the beautiful shiny Christian couple who are doing it right, with the clear implication that everyone else is doing it wrong. Er, it's actually good genes and being 24 that makes them so pretty, nothing to do with not having sex before marriage.

Suncottage Sun 19-Sep-10 19:49:29

Madascheese

I cannot believe you are still here and not starting your 'Bride's Blog'

Go girl shoo! Are you not normal? grin

Madascheese Sun 19-Sep-10 19:53:37

Trillian,

Sadly I think with 2 divorces between us the best we can hope for the vicar can say is that he hopes we've learnt from our past mistakes....

ooo Brides blog, good idea, I expect it'll be vvvvv popular, I can sell lots of advertising and pay for the topless magician?

Suncottage Sun 19-Sep-10 19:59:41

Madascheese

You must update it hourly remember. That is very, very important.

We need to know everything.

Anyway - I shall fall out with you right now because you have not invited second cousin Janice and her boyfriend who you have never met in your entire life!

[flounces off]

JaneS Sun 19-Sep-10 20:03:51

Mad, it will be wonderful! Have some faith in yourself.

Are you having a church wedding then (you mention the vicar)?

I am looking forward to regular updates where we take the piss wink and cry over your bee-you-tiful dress grin!

Miasma, it does. MIL did. But then, she looked so beautiful and stylish, now one confused her with the bride (me)!

I think it only matters when it is done by idiots who don't care about the effect they have, or who actively want to upset someone.

JaneS Sun 19-Sep-10 20:04:46

*no, even. blush

Attenborough Sun 19-Sep-10 20:13:07

It's always worth remembering that the day is all about YOU. To ensure your guests don't forget this, replace some of the readings with poems you've written and fill the five minutes of the church ceremony during which you're signing the register with a recording of your own rendition of You Raise Me Up.

Send out the Save the Date cards nearly a year in advance, to ensure that the close members of family that you've chosen not to invite to any part of your wedding have plenty of time to realise it and feel hurt.

Don't ask your most faithful and long-serving friends to be your bridesmaids, when you could snub them completely and ask your husband's cousin's children, whom you barely know but who are much more photogenic. Remember to ensure that their parents know that they will be centre-stage for the ceremony but must not under any circumstances be brought to any part of the reception.

Congratulations!

Madascheese Sun 19-Sep-10 20:19:22

LRD we are looking at a church wedding as we're both regular (ie weekly) church goers

Last time I had a civil service so I think I get away with it, not aying anything for how DP is risking his soul

Inertia Sun 19-Sep-10 20:25:16

You should arrange to have karaoke in lieu of any evening entertainment / band / DJ , and then ensure that one of your close relatives gets trolleyed and harangues any guests not signed up to sing.

JaneS Sun 19-Sep-10 20:36:35

Sounds nice mad! Hope it all goes well - you realize after this thread making classics, a post-wedding thread with pictures will be mandatory?

grin

Matsikula Sun 19-Sep-10 20:45:55

Important to have some lively guests.

Try inviting a high maintenance friend who will come up to you at the reception and complain that they've been put on a rubbish table, and that you've invited one of their unfortunate exes. At the next wedding you attend, they'll probably avoid this faux pas by not speaking to the happy couple at all, simply sitting outside smoking dope in full view of all the uncles and aunts.

Speaking of aunts, do you have any that can be relied upon to get really drunk? One could lose her handbag and accuse the restaurant staff of stealing it (until it is found under her coat), while another could very loudly encourage her son be persistent with a young lady who he has already tried to chat up before realising that she is, in fact, gay.

Madascheese Sun 19-Sep-10 20:49:37

Matsikula - My lovely Aunt can utterly be relied upon to get roaring drunk and be the life and soul she's a total darling!

LRD - you think I have any intention of shutting up until next Summer?????? Nope you're going to be getting blow by blow accounts of my joy!

DP has now gone home til Friday so I'll be very boring and posting lots til then....

notcitrus Sun 19-Sep-10 21:16:03

If it's a church wedding, you can have the feature where the groom's brother stands up in the middle of the service and shouts abuse at the priest for representing a homophobic institution and some other stuff that got muffled as he was manhandled out by the best man and large mates recruited just in case.

Catholic priest took it in his stride, but brother and groom then came into the back room at the reception to have a ding-dong, fortunately deciding to not actually have a punch-up after taking one swing and tripping over me breastfeeding ds...

Alternatively, if you've gone for the church wedding solely to keep MIL happy and get some nice presents and told all your family and friends (but not MIL!), ensure the vicar mentions that Weddings are NOT just for keeping MILs happy and to get nice presents and predicts DOOM for anyone who does that, as it makes entertainment as 3/4 of the church try not to snort or giggle.

KERALA1 Sun 19-Sep-10 21:20:16

Have an evangelical preacher friend who shouts at the guests during his bit of the service that those who are not believers will not be saved and will burn in the fires of hell for eternity.

Sit evangelical preacher next to innocent old school friend (ie me) at the meal.

Be in denial that your wedding is in fact in December and make all guests,who have already surrendered their coats, stand outside for interminable photo sessions.

Have a very small wedding and invite only one single person (ie me) and have a slow dance at which every other person at the wedding clutches their partner except for said single person who slowly slides under the nearest table.

Inertia Sun 19-Sep-10 21:28:24

When deciding upon a date, you need a close relative- ideally a sibling- to have already announced their wedding date. You can then set yours for a few weeks before. For maximum thunder-stealing, you need to ensure that you find out what the other bride will be wearing, what colour the bridesmaids will wear, what hymns they have planned- and then do exactly the same for your own wedding.

babbi Sun 19-Sep-10 21:29:03

notcitrus ... rofl absolutely brilliant !

ElephantsAndMiasmas Sun 19-Sep-10 21:39:46

If you have a quite long run-up to your wedding, and your friends do not know DH-to-be very well, try to drop in frequent vaguely disturbing details about your life together over the intervening months. "He refuses to hug me", for example, or "he tries to sneak things I'm allergic to into my food as a joke".

This will ensure that by the time your friends rock up at your wedding, half of them will be whispering about him behind their hands, and the others will be planning on kidnapping you before the ceremony can begin.

a themed wedding! fantastic way to embarras your guests ten years later when you post the pics on fb and teg them all grin

domesticslattern Sun 19-Sep-10 21:48:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Suncottage Sun 19-Sep-10 21:55:50

Also scowl when shaking hands with DH's family at the line up and say,

"Oh you made it then?"

Makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

NonnoMum Sun 19-Sep-10 21:56:21

And another thought (memory) has just crossed my mind...

Get your mother to give up work FOR A WHOLE YEAR in order to focus solely on... PLANNING YOUR WEDDING!!

Yippee!

abouteve Sun 19-Sep-10 22:00:12

Funny thread, just remember that guests end up paying a fortune to attend in the first place, enough to p-- people off.

Had to lol at ask one set of neices to be bridesmaid but not the other. DD's uncle is getting married, she isn't bridesmaid but her half sister is. sad

I'm not even invited but it's cost a ton for her outfit before she even starts on the gift.

Suncottage Sun 19-Sep-10 22:06:21

Tell some friends you are not having a hen party. Then invite them to your wedding and show them a film of you having a ball on your hen night. With all your other friends...

Watch their faces when the penny drops that you just didn't invite them.

How they laughed.

Congratulations!

Do invite everyone for 2pm but leave them waiting until nearly 4pm in freezing church. Then conduct entire ceremony in another language without translations for majority of time. After over an hour of ceremony have minister announce that he can only give a blessing as immigration has not given clearance for marriage to take place shock hmm confused
To complete, arrive 4 hours later for alcohol free reception and then have bridesmaids perform lengthy dance rather than feeding starving guests with food that has been waiting in smelling distance on view. Watch guests depart to stop at kebab shop on the way home.

or

Have wedding far enough away so that your family all fork out tons on flights/hotels then admit it's all over the next day.

Haven't we been lucky biscuit

chilipepper27 Sun 19-Sep-10 22:34:52

dont tell the guests where the wedding is going to be held until the morning of the wedding then insist on a theme , have the food come out really really late and in tiny amounts (this works best when the venue is no where near a takeaway) if its inedible all the better! congratulations hope you have a great day

Invite your friends to the ceremony and light meal afterwards. They will be touched and delighted, all the more so when they get a phone call 72 hours before the wedding asking them to bring quiche for 40 along with them. You just forgot to mention the light meal was being catered by all of your guests....

stillbobbysgirl Sun 19-Sep-10 23:37:05

Have a wedding reception with NO MUSIC because you want everyone to "sit and chat". Then proceed to sit in the corner with your mate from work and ignore everyone for hours, including your new wife.

Be sure to leave reception for an hour to go and count up the value of cheques given and then be sure to have a loud conversation about this on your return to the bar, where your guests are eating crisps and nuts from said bar because all the food ran out before all tables served.

Then, at 9am the NEXT MORNING, drive around to bestmans house to ask for the receipt for beatiful expensive gift that his wife chose for you, so that they can return it for cash as "we did ask for cash gifts on the invitation".

If you don't already have ridiculous names you never use (middle/full-length first names) get them changed by deed-poll so whenever the celebrant uses your name your soon-to-be-spouse and all the guests laugh mightily.

You know who your are St John (pronounced Sin-jun) or Si as you introduced yourself as all those years ago

<snigger>

Have a special table staffed by 'uncles' with adding machines totting up the value of the cash gifts.

If you can, train them not to look horrified when a guest my dh, forgets to get cash out and can't find his cheque book but thankfully has book tokens of an appropriate value so encloses those instead






blush

TheFirstLady Sun 19-Sep-10 23:51:58

Allow your mother to choose your dress.
Then pretend not to notice when she turns up in a very similar dress.

abouteve Sun 19-Sep-10 23:53:07

Just as the guests sit down to relax after a church service and waiting around for the photos etc, ask them to sit silently again whilst some family member belts out a rounding tune.

Great idea but don't be surprised if one or two of your guests are in fits of uncontrollable hysterics about the irony of it all, and want the ground to swallow them up blush [shudder at the memory emotion].

TheFirstLady Mon 20-Sep-10 00:00:59

When your DF's brother gets engaged a few months after you, smile nicely and say of course you don't mind when he asks if you mind him getting married first - as long as you don't pick the weekend on which DF will be best man at his oldest friend's wedding.
Then deal with the resulting dilemma when he chooses that weekend with dignity and grace.

I think a great way to make your best friend from childhood of 29 years feel important on the day is to do the following:

Don't mention your thinking of setting a date until after your fabulous Hen party. Even then don't tell her just post photos on Facebook with descriptions of your amazing party!

Don't mention the date of your wedding to her until 4pm the day before. Then don't bother to call her just send a text with a simple message "Are you doing anything tomorrow? I'm getting married, you can come if you want". Then when she asks who is invited simply tell her it's just her and DS (don't under any circumstances invite her DH even though you was chief bridesmaid at their wedding and they paid for everything for you so you'd def be able to be part of their big day).

Just give the very basic details of the day ie it's at xxx at xpm (no further info necessary -don't make it easy as it won't be as much fun!)

Don't say thank you for the cards or presents they rushed out to buy you at silly o'clock (mind you the wedding was only in May so maybe there's time yet......).

When they eventually arrive and DS needs a nappy change after 3-4 hours in the car make sure the photographer stops them for 'arrival guest photos' just to ensure they are stressed enough!

At the meal make sure they are seated with people they don't know right at the back so they feel unimportant and cannot hear the speeches.

When they say goodbye to you at the end of the day after not having been spoken to at all just simply say "OK, bye". Don't what ever you do make them feel appreciated for dropping their plans, travelling a 8 hour round trip at very short notice with a young child and leaving dh at home, that would just spoil it!

Lastly don't contact them again unless it's via Facebook to ask for a copy of the photos they took!!

Bitter, me? Damn right I am!!

Oh that's truly dreadful! How mindblowingly self centred.....

Madascheese Mon 20-Sep-10 08:14:47

God Addicted that's hideous!

I want to invite you to ours...

mollyroger Mon 20-Sep-10 08:15:09

have a colour themed wedding and insist all guests adhere to it ;)

Oh forgot to add;

If you're putting wine on the tables for toasts etc make sure that you have 3 types - expensive wine for the top table, cheap but drinkable wine for important guests and stuff you wouldn't even put down your toilet aka paint stripper for 'the rest'. That way you can be sure they're put in their place!

Oh and when the speeches are made make sure the paint stripper at the back tables still has a cork in so they can't toast you and have to ask for them to be opened (rather wish we hadn't bothered!).

Bless you. I'd come too!! Seriously though congratulations, hope you have a fabulous day! xxx

Madascheese Mon 20-Sep-10 08:18:56

shock it that wine thing done then? I noticed it before on the thread

I would never have thought of doing that. Way to make people feel valued!

I'm fine with 2 types of wine (top table and everyone else) as weddings are expensive enough but seriously 3 types?! WTF

It did (and still does) upset me a lot though at DH not being invited. I'm registered disabled (don't use a wheelchair but should) and struggle to lift ds. She knew this but still didn't invite dh! I seriously think she got a last minute cancellation and that's only reason I was invited. sad

At my wedding I even paid for her hotel etc to ensure she was ok. At hers I couldn't book the hotel as it was too short notice and we were broke but still found money for outfits, presents and £100 fuel!!! angry & sad

Just telling DH about this thread and he's got a couple to add!! I'll just tell it as it was rather than turn it into a 'what not to do' as it'll get too mixed up in my head (very easily done nowadays.....!!) grin

When dh's parents got married (in the 60's and before he was born) they had a party afterwards and during the party his grandma made a pass at his father!! hmm

To make matters worse (if that's possible) at his first wedding dh went into a back room to make a private phone call and was followed in by his new step-daughter (DHs ex was a lot older than him and her daughter was around his age). When he finished his call she told him she hoped he would be very happy married to her mum and said what a great couple they made. He said thank you and went to go back downstairs, but she stopped him and said "Don't go we can have some fun here". Assuming (as you would) that he'd misunderstood her he asked what she meant at which point she put her hand on his 'Frank and beans' (I love There's something about Mary grin ) and said " this is what I mean....." shock

When dh met me he couldn't believe what an amazing extended family we have - I personally think we are just a 'normal' family. At least we knew there'd be no passes made at the bride or groom!!! grin

Cadmum Mon 20-Sep-10 09:23:38

Oh. I am laughing at these brilliant suggestions.

We have experienced various themes along these lines.

1. Make sure that your maid of honour is new in town, breastfeeding an infant, running after a toddler and playing single-mother whilst her husband is away on a 6 month work contract.

2. Assure her that her role is exclusively to be at the church beside her on the big day (because she is your one TRUE friend) and then be completely unreasonable when she doesn't organise the whole event for you.

3. After she has helped mail all of the invitations, remind her that the reception is being held in a venue that really isn't child-friendly and that she OWEs it to you to find a babysitter. Keep adding to the list of demands daily.

4. Two days after the honeymoon and tell her that she isn't really a good friend and never speak to her or her family again. (Don't even share wedding photos.)

5. Leave her feeling utterly bewildered but knowing exactly why she didn't have anyone else to ask!

Or maybe you were thinking of something more fun like this? www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0

SchnitzelVonKrumm Mon 20-Sep-10 09:33:14

Do make sure to get married in a remote but romantic location, on a weekday because it will cheaper. For you.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Mon 20-Sep-10 09:40:51

Ooh, and don't forget that what's really important is how it will look in the video. So if your guests can't actually see you making your vows because there's a camera rig in the way, so be it.

comtessa Mon 20-Sep-10 09:41:56

Choose a bridesmaid who is one of your most organised friends, but who can be a bit temperamental, in order to help boost her self-esteem. Bridesmaid will then proceed to gain too much weight for the dress she herself chose and was fitted for (despite bride saying pretty summer dresses, not formal dresses) and bride paid for. Get said bridesmaid to throw hissy fit on morning of wedding, be rude to bride's mother and other family and get very drunk at reception.
Choose sister as other bridesmaid, tell her "any shade of pink and purple" and be nice when she turns up wearing blue.

I'm totally over it, though, all water under the bridge y'know... grin

SchnitzelVonKrumm Mon 20-Sep-10 09:43:49

Oh, and finally, ask your five-year-old niece to be your bridesmaid, but not her two-year-old sister, because she is too young to understand or mind. Then wait three years to get married.

motherinferior Mon 20-Sep-10 09:54:23

Ooh, ooh, has one of you been married before, did you mention? I'd forgotten my cousin's wedding, where the imported Very Old Religous Bloke doing the ceremony (bishop of somewhere in Zambia, long story) went on at considerable length about how the groom, yes, had been married before but VORB and groom had discussed this freely and frankly at some length and yes, that previous marriage was totally irreperable...made the whole thing go with a swing, I felt.

Then there was a do with free-flowing nice champagne but no food. Just canapes.

IvaNighSpare Mon 20-Sep-10 10:08:30

Hmm, feeling the wedding love all around here....

Brides-to-be, if you have guests staying in a nearby hotel the night before, ensure they are the kind of people who will go out alone on the piss in a strange town and then call you at 2am, asking directions to the nearest KFC. it works wonders for that fresh-faced bridal look the next day. (yes, the bride was me)

This bride wasn’t me- make sure the song you choose for your First Dance is the very same maudling track that would reduce you to hysterical fits of tears only months before when your fiancé had developed a case of cold feet and left you miserable and lonely. As you dance with your now reconciled spouse to this tune, try not to catch the eye of the close friends who, the last time they heard this song had held you sobbing on their shoulder sniffling about what a bastard your now DH was.

Fathers of the bride (not mine, thankfully), if you are an eminent businessman, make sure you use your only daughter’s wedding as the perfect opportunity to invite and schmooze prospective clients. This works especially well if the wedding venue has a limited capacity and the bride and groom have to drop a few cherished friends off the guest list. Make sure that you control every aspect of the day, including hissing loudly at the groom, DURING THE CEREMONY, to stop slouching. Make an ‘appointment’ with Best Man the day before the wedding to ‘hear and approve’ (ie vet and edit) his speech. Make the poor man so nervous on the day that his nerves are embarrassingly apparent. And, finally, during your own speech, pepper your diatribe with completely unveiled remarks about how much the day cost you as well as making no qualms about expressing how disappointed that your 3yr old grand-son, who is present at the wedding was conceived out of wedlock.
Oh, and insult the groom's mother the day before.

minxofmancunia Mon 20-Sep-10 10:21:09

Make sure you organise it for a weekday so that it's cheaper for you but everyone else has to use up a days al or forfeit a days pay.

Or have it on a sunday so that people either can't drink too much or have to take a day off at their own expense.

have it at 11.30am then the meal at 4 so there's loads and loads of waiting around inbetween.

Arrange it so there's loads of driving involved or expensive taxis.

insist on a dress code.

Make your bridesmaids wear minging unflatterinng dresses. I have only been to one wedding (mine cos just had my sister and she chose her own dress) where this wasn't the case. This is why bridesmaids frequently look so miserable.

Make the bridesmaids pay for their own horrible frocks.

Have some sort of waltz/salsa/merengue etc.etc. as the first dance and for several after that.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 20-Sep-10 10:21:54

A handy checklist.

Have you made sure when it comes to guests you have:

- slighted them by inviting some random combination of family members e.g. those born January to June, but not those born July to December?

- dragged them somewhere remote (with nowhere to park or stay) at short notice?

- ensured the maximum of stress and humiliation by asking them to dress up as e.g. taupe-hued Elvis impersonaters? N.B. further subdivide your guests by only including this direction in alternative invitations.

- crafted a really sensitive speech upsetting as many groups of your friends and family as possible (unmarried mothers, married non-mothers, your gay brother)

- starved them?

- frozen them?

- contained them in a wood panelled prison full of lilies for a good long time, to increase their "anticipation"?

- if you deign to feed them at all, fed them with e.g. one small piece of puff pastry each, ensuring that there is never quite enough to go round? Competitive spirit will fuel the high spirits of your evening reception.

- And finally (a touch of genius), abandoned them miles from help or human contact of any kind?

dinkystinky Mon 20-Sep-10 10:43:57

Congratulations OP.

Few suggestions

- include a totally useless map and incomprehensible directions on how to get to wedding venue with your invitation

- make all the bridesmaids wear gold lame prom style dresses a size or two too small with 80s style make up - or if that doesnt work for your theme, try Bo Peep shepherdess style outfits (complete with crooks) hmm

- ensure the vicar's sermon goes on for well over 40 minutes and is all about the subject of divorce in this day and age

daymonkey Mon 20-Sep-10 11:17:56

based on my sister's planned wedding...

definitely have it in early January, because everyone has loads of spare cash at that time of year.

decide that there will be no alcohol at the wedding (because you approach religion like fashionista's approach skirt lengths and Islam has currently replaced Judaism on the 'what's hot' list. note: our family are lapsed Catholics).

decree that there will be no music at the wedding, even though you are a dancing teacher and have always gone on and on in the past about how a wedding just instead a wedding without a ceilidh band.

Instead ask your ten year old nephew if he could bring along some of his board games for hours of entertainment. All the (completely) sober adults will really enjoy playing jenga.

Decide that your nephews must wear kilts to the wedding, even though the groom will not be wearing a kilt. Do not offer to pay to deck out the children in kilts.

Book a really big venue, even though you've decided there aren't going to be many guests (possibly because you've realised that no one is going to want to come to the world's worst wedding). It's crucial that you ensure that this venue has a large open fire (preferably two) so that your sister can spend the whole day ensuring that no toddler nephews are incinerated.

Tell your sister that you are going to ask the caterers to make a special dish composed of broccoli, sprouts and cabbage just for her. WTF?

I'm pretty certain that there will be hours of photographs to be endured with no alcohol and no food, and grumpy, hungry, tired toddlers will be required to participate.

Obviously, I'm really looking forward to this event...

If at all possible arrange a huge administrative error so your very expensive, beautiful overseas wedding is not actually legal and you have to go and tie the knot in a registry office. In Reading.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 20-Sep-10 11:58:53

Sober, silent jenga wedding? Think you win.

daymonkey Mon 20-Sep-10 12:07:36

I really wish i was making it up. But, no, I will be attending this nightmare in January. I'm half hoping that DS2 picks up chickenpox at nursery and we'll have to stay at home (except for the looking after the toddler with chickenpox bit, which is never fun).

daymonkey Mon 20-Sep-10 12:11:38

Also, I'm sure my sister will insist that various people travel a very long way (in some cases thousands of miles) to enjoy this event.

The OP could really incorporate this into her ultimate wedding senario. Because nothing says 'I value your friendship' more than asking people to travel a long way (and spend a fortune) to enjoy a day of charades and connect 4 without even the option of buying themselves a glass of wine should they want one with dinner.

melodyangel Mon 20-Sep-10 12:13:59

Have too few chairs at the evening meal...oh how they'll laugh.

KERALA1 Mon 20-Sep-10 12:54:00

Have a hen weekend far away and when a friend tells you from the outset that she wont be able to make that date get very cross. In fact get so cross that when said friend arrives at your wedding (for which she has made a 10 hour round trip and taken a day off work and bought a thoughtful and expensive present) blank her completely and then actually never speak to her again, certainly never thank or even acknowledge the presen

Madascheese Mon 20-Sep-10 13:14:14

Oh dear, it looks like I'm going to fail and fail again judging by our fledgling plans of a 3pm wedding in July followed by a bbq/bar/band combo in a marquee 100 yards from the church door then. With no wedding list (let's face it it's a bit cheeky second time around?) one maid of honour (too many flower girls to choose one) and lovely family and friends I'm going to struggle a bit to incorporate any of your very helpful suggestions.

Surely there is time to come up with something on the invites?

daymonkey Mon 20-Sep-10 13:17:20

it's not too late. you could still force everyone to play jenga!

KorrallKrabba Mon 20-Sep-10 13:30:05

From various over the years...

Have an unnecessarily large entourage of ushers, who's function is to ...be presented with a bottle of scotch

Speeches provide much mileage for upset don't they...?

Excellent tip for the groom: don't mention the bride at all in your speech

F of the B: trap on about the bride and all her minor childhood glories, preferably accompanied by slide-show; gloss over or don't mention the groom other than some tedious football team allegiance gag; then imply threateningly that you'll be always watching her back

Give a bride's speech which outlasts Groom's, BM's and F of the B, detailing the incredible traumas of preparing handmade menus, place-cards, orders of service; make patronising and ungracious remarks about support, highlight barely noticeable minor glitches in the day's proceedings and then burst into hysterical tears. Real feel-good and striking a blow for the sisters.

Other speeches make back-handed references to arch control-freakery of bride; while rest of guests roll eyes and mouth 'nightmare' through smiling gritted teeth

Get best man to busk through 'telegrams' punctuated by "...from Helen and Joseph, whoever they are..!" etc and flicking through the rest declaring them to be "much of a muchness" shock

KorrallKrabba Mon 20-Sep-10 13:37:49

Definitely stagger sending the invites out for no apparent reason to cause incredible panic amongst flustered highly-strung relatives. Make sure the most forward-planning-inclined get theirs last to increase chances of hyperventilation and anxious intra-family crisis phone-calls.

HeadingHome Mon 20-Sep-10 13:38:22

OOOh the money one - my mother was invited to a "work-friend"'s wedding. The invitation not only detailed a gift list - but also the cost of each person attending - with a completed bank deposit slip.

Ie. mum goes - she must deposit £x into their account and bring xxx present.

Kindly, they did a discounted rate for children attendees.

OMG WTF>>>!>!>!>!

She ended up being busy that day.

FakePlasticTrees Mon 20-Sep-10 13:41:43

Daymonkey - smile sweetly, tell her of course you'll go along with it all, the day before, come down with the runs and say you'll be pooing all day so can't make it. Say you think the DCs are looking peeky so probably will also be pooing and throwing up by the morning, best to keep them away from her so she's not throwing up on her wedding day. So sorry and you're looking forward to seeing the photos.

Make sure you buy some nice trashy magazines - as in order to make sure your DCs don't dob you in later, you'll have to spend a lot of time locked in the bathroom making groaning noises, so you might as well have something to read. Tell your DP he can't be the ill one as your DSis would expect you to go without him but noone will expect him to go on his own.

But to make sure you don't spoil the day completely, I'd make sure you drop off said board games the week before on the premise you're so worried you'd forget on the day and ruin it all!

daymonkey Mon 20-Sep-10 13:43:51

Somehow, I suspect that the other guests would be relieved if we were unable to drop of the board games!

Suncottage Mon 20-Sep-10 13:44:44

This bit is very, very important. It is your day and no one else's. If you like Metallica, Deff Leppard, AC-DC, Iron Maiden etc - you make sure the DJ (who has tried to change your mind) knows this good and proper.

Get very, very angry when guests with bleeding eardrums leave at 9pm.

Also, please invite 150 guests and supply enough food for twelve (the Olympic sprinters will be fine) others can get a take away on the way home. They won't mind.

sausagerollmodel Mon 20-Sep-10 13:46:30

Hold the wedding at an old, picturesque church miles from anywhere, so old and picturesque that it doesn't have any toilets, then faff around after the wedding taking photos for 3 hours.
Sing hymns that are old words with new tunes, or new words with old tunes, or sing a well-known hymn in a completely different rhythm!

ShatnersBassoon Mon 20-Sep-10 13:47:46

Make sure the best man is the sort who'll be able to speak for an hour (aided by props and a video montage) and then shake the hand of every single guest to accept his congratulations.

Guests love it when they're abandoned with no refreshments or seating for a couple of hours while you have your photos taken.

Tell your friends to work out amongst themselves who can be the sole bridesmaid.

expatinscotland Mon 20-Sep-10 13:55:00

Addicted, I think I'd delete this 'friend' from your facebook and your life.

Spirael Mon 20-Sep-10 14:12:47

Don't worry, Madascheese! There's still plenty of fun to be had.

Have you got any plans for a Hen night yet? Why not thoughtfully combine it with the Stag night, for convenience of all your friends. Then hold it a couple of days before the wedding; a full day of paint balling held at the opposite end of the country during the middle of the week. You could even insist that people wear their swimming costumes to save on laundry afterwards.

People will surely love shelling out for such a lovely day, and you get the added bonus that the bruises they acquire will be forever documented in the photographs at the wedding ceremony.

Congratulations on your engagement.

YeahBut Mon 20-Sep-10 14:18:18

Madas, you're just not trying hard enough. Surely your DP has a waste of space mate that he just has to have as his best man who then gets so appalling drunk that he makes smutty jokes about the groom's mother and the eight year old bridesmaid during his speech.
Or a mate who can be guaranteed to get so drunk that he decides to exit the very posh wedding venue by doing forward rolls through the reception, down the stairs shock and out the main door.
Or a brother that treats the day like an extended pub crawl and is so pissed by 5pm he has to be taken home by his dad.

marantha Mon 20-Sep-10 14:23:11

Get married in Scotland* when all your family live in the South East, that should really make them feel loving towards you.

FakePlasticTrees, like your suggestion -got any more?

*No disrespect to any Scotland- it's just that it's a fair old jaunt from Essex.

maryz Mon 20-Sep-10 14:26:44

Yes the hen and stag nights on the same night are very important, so that your couple friends have to choose which of them is the closest friend to which of you (or else they have to organise a weekend-long babysitter for their children).

Why do people do this?

There is potential with a bbq, though. No vegetarian options, and make sure all the salads have bits of ham/non-vegetarian dressings/garnish of meaty bits.

CocoaBeanPlease Mon 20-Sep-10 14:29:48

As the bride, show up an hour and a half late to the church, leaving all the guests sitting and sweltering in the heat - very much appreciated by male guests in full suit and tie. Make sure the wait is worth it by having a nice long ceremony as well.

Bugger off to take pictures for hours on the way to the reception venue. Have guests arrive at venue way before you and wait yet again before getting any drinks.

Bearing in mind the original start time of 1pm (+ time to get to church), make sure the buffet is not served before 8pm. That way even guests who were savvy enough to have had a huge breakfast just before setting off in the morning will be hungry for the meal. And make sure it all runs out before the last few tables get a chance to be served.

Then it's time to entertain your guests with the speeches: father of the bride, groom, best man, father of the groom, usher #1, usher #2, usher #3, bride, maid of honour, bridesmaid #1, bridesmaid #2, bridesmaid #3, mother of the groom, mother of the bride... All these people are bound to be marvellous orators and springing this on them at the last minute is sure to elicit witty, original, non-repetitive speeches.

So no one feels left out, then open the floor to anyone else who might want to say a few words: Aunty Laverne, Grandma, Cousin Angus... I can't tell you who came next, as we then decided to call it a night!

This of course is on a Sunday - but not really a problem as there is no alcohol served anyway.

This was all the same wedding by the way. Despite all this, I still came away with a warm fuzzy feeling - the couple were obviously in love and it's always nice to see.

Booboobedoo Mon 20-Sep-10 14:31:27

Congratulations Madascheese!

A couple of tips to add.

If you have two nieces, only ask one of them to be your bridemaid. Make it clear that this is because the other one won't look as nice in the pictures.

<still bitter>

Have a long registry-office ceremony.

Then move all your guests to a nearby church for an hour-long blessing.

The reception should then be held a half-hour drive away.

No refreshment of any kind should be served for at least two hours after arrival.

An hour of this time should be filled with a live classical music performance, which guests are expected to sit through in reverential silence.

<The most pompous wedding I've ever attended>

Madascheese Mon 20-Sep-10 14:33:35

oooo meat in all the salads now there is something we could work with, I'm not aiming for a full on disaster here (far too entertianing in the retelling!)just something suitably niggly to ensure grumblings and moans.

I have to say yeahbut that one of the reasons I'm marrying DP is that he doesn't have any waste of space friends at all (at least none he'd dare suggest as the best man!)

AvengingGerbil Mon 20-Sep-10 14:37:40

Make sure you piss off a close family member (not hard, breathing wrong can do it) the day before the wedding so you have to spend an hour on the phone on the morning of your wedding begging said sister (did I say sister) to come to the event in order not to break your mother's heart.

That'll set you up for the day.

YeahBut Mon 20-Sep-10 14:38:10

Never mind, Madas, there's still time for him to find some.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 20-Sep-10 14:47:31

shock YeahBut!

As an alternative to the no-chairs concept, consider the Guests Must Remain Seated At All Times Rule. You don't want them to get distracted from your Special Day by talking to or getting to know any of the 200 or so strangers with whom they are spending the day. When it comes to food, instead of the (also glorious) queueing option, employ waiting staff to ensure that no bum is lifted from a seat. Ideally you need around one waiter/ress per 100 guests, and try to seek out sullen 15 year old boys for the task, preferably ones who have never done it before, and can therefore tentatively carry only one plate at a time. Your wedding meal is best served cold - much like revenge, which your guests will want to exact later.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 20-Sep-10 14:53:24

What is the thinking behind having no food available for hours? My friend is having 15 kinds of cake available on demand at her wedding, or so she tells me <shudders at likelihood of turning up to find all cakes enclosed behind glass/wall of briars or similar>

dinkystinky Mon 20-Sep-10 15:00:52

One of my friends went to a wedding where one of the guests, a burlesque dancer, entertained the guests (at the bridezilla's insistence) with a strip tease and special saucy song and poem routine for the groom in the middle of the wedding feast. Surely you can manage to include that in your wedding day? grin

Same wedding where the bride disappeared off to the ladies to snort cocaine (making groom's elderly grandmother wait for loo for ages while she and her friends were occupying the ladies) and the groom was finally let off the leash to say hello to his friends...

AnakisT Mon 20-Sep-10 15:07:39

Don't want the bride to feel left out.

I suggest booking a shite dj called Trevor who inexplicably plays in this order after the first song

Unchained Melody
I would walk 500 miles
Shut up

Then finish the evening off with asshole Trevor playing "sit on my face and tell me that you love me" for the last song.

marantha Mon 20-Sep-10 15:09:34

CocoaBeanPlease Yes, even an old cynic like me has to admit that it is nice to see two people who are very much in love tie the knot.
But, when you just know that the whole wedding is just a chance for them to show off and the actual marriage won't last 5 minutes all the inconvenience is a pain in the wotsit.

Suncottage Mon 20-Sep-10 15:20:03

Madascheese

Your family must also cooperate with you here. On no account must your parents or your groom's parents or other members of your family leave their seats to greet the guests or socialise. This will also stand you in good stead at ALL future family gatherings and celebrations.

You and your new, shiny DH are going to be way too busy with your 'real' friends to bother about the hangers on that you were forced to invite - like your SIL's for example. Both of us.

Just leave the other 85% of your guests - they will be fine and dandy.

Especially the SIL who was forced to come on her own because your dear brother was working overseas and couldn't make the wedding. Don't say hello all evening or even set one dainty wedding shod foot at our end of the cavernous hall.

I know you had a great time because we sat and watched your table all evening, that was because there was nothing else to do.

hmm

expatinscotland Mon 20-Sep-10 15:35:22

shock stillbobbysgirl. Please tell me the best man told the chap to go get knotted when he asked for the receipt!

nickelbabe Mon 20-Sep-10 16:05:50

ahh, now, the church service gives rise to lots of mischief thoughts...

make sure your church is a realy old one, like ours, with no inside toilet (the toilet is inside a building, just one behind the church).
make sure all your ushers have not only never been to that church before, but have never been to any church,and make sure that noone tells them where the aforementioned toilets are, or where the key is kept.
and make sure they also don't know about where the young children can go for entertainment (esp don't mention the big box of quiet toys in the playroom!), so that they get agitated during the half-hour of prayers and start talking loudly and crying. (not the ushers, the young children)

this didn't happen, i'm just trying to think what might have happened if we hadn't chosen church people as ushers!!

zapostrophe Mon 20-Sep-10 16:19:58

Message withdrawn

lucielooo Mon 20-Sep-10 17:14:30

Make sure the groom tells the wedding guests in his speech that he got a 'semi' when the bride came down the aisle and that he's not used to calling her 'wife' as he usually calls her 'bitch'.. confused

Madascheese Mon 20-Sep-10 17:18:00

arf lucieloo - I'll suggest that one to DP and see what he says!

Inertia Mon 20-Sep-10 17:24:39

Madascheese, you mentioned that you and dh have been married before, but don't say whether you have grown up children. If you do, there is no need for them to escape without being complained about.

When groom's grown up son and his wife offer to collect elderly infirm relative from her care home and bring her to the middle-of- nowhere church, as well as other 2 grown up but carless siblings, dismiss such offers of help. Insist that you have made travel arrangements for elderly relative, and that grown up son must instead take groom to the church to avoid spending on a wedding car or taxi. Make sure groom has no other family members attending the wedding who could help out.

When relative turns up, in a taxi, without carer, wheelchair or walking stick, make sure you allow all the bride's family to slag off the groom's children ( someone from the family should have brought her !! ) without correcting them.

Madascheese Mon 20-Sep-10 17:40:38

awww how nice Intertia! hmm

As littlemad is only 5 and the best thing that came out of my previous marriage (DP had no children) we're unlikely to face that one, but I'm hopig to come up with something 'darling' for littlemad to do on the 'big day'

see I'm talking about it all in quote marks already, perhaps I am getting the hang of it after all!

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 20-Sep-10 17:53:51

Why don't you get the wee one to read something really complicated aloud, perhaps some Shakespeare. Insist s/he does it in full, while the entire church goes through agonies of suspense waiting for him to make his way through nice y1 level words like "impediment".

Or instead of providing music at the reception, how about a recorder/violin recital?

Madascheese Mon 20-Sep-10 18:03:24

arf at recorder!

He'd love the reading as it goes, but knowing him he'll find ways to ensure the attention doesn't get diverted from him for too long....he can tell you at length about the digestive processes of cows for example and doesn't hesitate to read out anything he finds...banks statements...letters from my solicitor...emails.....

<shudders...lives in fear>

WhistlersMum Mon 20-Sep-10 18:07:11

This won't be much help to you, as it only applies if you are being served at your tables. Make sure you eat really slowly, frequently leaving your table to chat to your guests or disappear mysteriously. Since the waiting staff will have been told not to move on to the next course until the bride finishes the current one, this will ensure a lovely long meal, giving your guests ample time to digest between courses. The person who will most appreciate this will be the harpist you have engaged to play throughout the meal. Maybe the first time through her repertoire she will be a little under-rehearsed, but by the third time she gets round to Greensleeves it will be a truly polished performance.

Ask the children from the local primary school choir to sing during the signing of the register. Something with a huge range, like a Celine Dion type song, that goes on for a good 6 minutes.

It is essential that not a single child can carry a tune so long as they are loud.

They must also wear school uniform. And be backed with thumpy enthusiastic piano, recorders, screechy violins & a triangle.

<scarred for life>

RunawayWife Mon 20-Sep-10 19:02:48

Congratulations, I LOVE THIS THREAD grin

Portofino Mon 20-Sep-10 19:06:23

PMSL at recorder recital! MAC, I must insist that your future DIL DD is a flower girl! Otherwise I will be forced to write rude things about you all over FB grin

Madascheese Mon 20-Sep-10 19:14:09

Thanks RunawayWife - me too! Have I mentioned how pleased I am that DP loks like the cat who stole the cream as well which is really making me happy?

Porto - you should have seen littlemad jumping for joy when I told him you were coming and bringing DD, he won't know where to look first, all his stalkees girlfriends are going to be in one place at one time..

Madascheese Mon 20-Sep-10 19:14:43

ooooo ooooo can we do 'first dances' next??

4paws Mon 20-Sep-10 19:23:56

Enusre that your builtliketanks adorable sisters look absolutely divine in their 18 quid from Asda short and strapless bridesmaid dresses, designed to fully enhance their rugby-player-like shoulders and 'strong' legs

Portofino Mon 20-Sep-10 19:29:09

How many girlfriends has littlemad got? <<goes off to sulk>>

See - you're doing well already! grin

4paws Mon 20-Sep-10 19:29:47

Ooh and after the BIG DAY. Ensure to spend the next six months (at least) sobbing into your hanky about how nothing will EVER be as nice again. confused

Madascheese Mon 20-Sep-10 19:30:48

arf! 4paws

Porto, errr well he stalks a few, but he's only ever done the old married couple thing with your DD.

<rethinks guest list>

Portofino Mon 20-Sep-10 19:33:06

<<pulls Catsbum Face>>

Suncottage Mon 20-Sep-10 19:33:25

madascheese

Please make sure your hubbie to be has been dragged along to SEVEN months of dance classes, only to find the dance floor too small to execute any of his moves leaving him tripping over your dress and embarrassed.

I have also been to menny, menny weddings where I have cried like a little girl because the bride and groom just loved each other and wanted to get wed.

Jennifer and Jonathan
Ruth and John
Jackie and Mike
Gary and Anne
Rob and Julia
Fiona and Andy

and soo many others.

[Welling up at the thought]

Fenouille Mon 20-Sep-10 19:35:55

For your first dance you should dance a waltz with your father and your DH should dance with his mother hmm

As it sounds like you want to go for something simple, just make sure you have all of your middle names, including those weird family names you never use, spoken by the celebrant during the vows just to confuse your very-soon-to-be-DH into calling you the wrong name (sorry DH blush, but at least our friends got a giggle).

Littlefish Mon 20-Sep-10 19:45:53

Give the DJ a list of bands/songs which he absolutely must not play because you hate them. Reiterate this several times to be sure he has understood. Stand by in disbelief when he plays every single track you have listed.

Hold your wedding in a venue which dictates that guests must remove any high heels and put on hideous slippers (provided).

Hold your reception in a venue which does not allow photographs to be taken inside because of the priceless artwork.

Encourage one of your guests to wank her partner off at the meal table; just before the money shot, remind him to stand up and leave the table, pushing past the other guests with his stiffie now almost at their face height (but thankfully inside his trousers).

Madascheese Mon 20-Sep-10 19:48:09

suncottage aww that's lovely

Fenouille - that's what exh did! Sort of got the feeling it might have been a mistake at that exact point!

Littlefish eeeeuuuuuuwwwwww no!

Littlefish Mon 20-Sep-10 19:56:44

I know! I was sitting next to them. It was vile. They obviously thought no one had noticed. The fact that he was leaning back, with his eyes rolling back in his head, while her arm was furiously pumping gave the game away slightly. grin

Fenouille Mon 20-Sep-10 20:44:10

Littlefish ew that's revolting

Madas grin I felt so sorry for him. He doesn't speak English as his first language and he was so concentrated on the vows that he didn't listen to the name assuming that it would just be 'Fen Surname'. I saw the look of spreading panic on his face as he realised the registrar had just said 'Fen Name OldWeirdFamilyName Surname' of which he'd only heard half of it.

Well, although you've already integrated my suggestion in your first wedding you've got lots of others to chose from wink

seaturtle Mon 20-Sep-10 22:05:55

Littlefish....... words fail me. Poor you.

My old uni friend is getting married in Spain next year. She knows I'm a single mum with no family here who struggles enough with babysitters in Britain. But she still hasn't realized that I really mean it when I say I can't come to her wedding next year. It's kind of her to give me lots of time to arrange childcare, as children aren't allowed at the wedding or reception. But even if my mum flies halfway round the world to look after him, I wouldn't want to bog off and leave her. I'd want to see spend time with my mum. There is no one I'd want to leave my would be 3 year old with for a long weekend. She suggests I take him but find a complete stranger to look after him all day through the hotel. Or if I didn't like that he'd be allowed to come to the ceremony with me and stay at the back, but I'd have to skip the reception. She understands it's a bit of a pain to her many friends and family with kids, including her twin sister who has just had a baby.

She won't take no for an answer and has sent me an email asking if I'd sing at her wedding . It's still a no.

CaptainNemo Mon 20-Sep-10 23:01:45

Ask loads of DP's mates to be ushers. Then when they say yes insist on full morning dress with such strict requirements that they have to hire everything including their (plain white) SHIRTS to make sure they're all the same. Organise for lots of the day to take place outside with no contingency plan if it rains and then have a massive hissy fit when it pours. All day.

Congratulations by the way!

BonzoDooDah Mon 20-Sep-10 23:11:11

Good grief Seaturtle! Lovely friend!

How about holding the wedding in some fab castle type place in the middle of pigging nowhere - on a Sunday (as it is cheaper for the special couple). So that if you can't afford to take a day off work the next day and stay the night in the ruinously expensive nearby mansion hotel then at least you have a 4 hour drive home in the small hours of Sunday/Monday morning.

Also try asking your parents who they'd like to invite to the evening reception. Then calmly suggest that maybe 50+ people is on the cheeky side as you'd like some of your and DH's friends to come too.
Endure a week of sulking on behalf of DPs at the cheek of asking them to reduce their list.

Oh and also since you've been living away from the family home for 15+ years you address the wedding invites from you and DH. Thus causing massive offence to previously 'liberal minded' parents as they thought they should be inviting everyone.

Ensure that the groom's family are astonishingly rude to the bride's family at every given opportunity, thus ruining the bride's relationship with her DM for the next 18 months.

Ensure that your future MIL asks someone to do a reading. Without asking either your or your DF first. In fact, ensure that the groom's family try and take over the entire thing, including offering to print the order of service and using this as an excuse to re-write it, without telling the bride and groom, and demanding to know why the bride's mum and dad haven't phoned them to 'discuss things'.

Ensure that the bride's father goes to the hotel to check in, taking his BIL with him. Said BIL disappears for the next 40 minutes and is uncontactable. Bride refuses to start without her father, despite threats from MIL and FIL and food is delayed.

Yes, these were all my wedding. I've made it up with my mother, and my ILs were banned from any 'assistance' in the organisation of our DS' baptism.

Madascheese Tue 21-Sep-10 05:15:17

wow Seaturtle - that's amazing, you and everyone else who has been on the receiving end of children related bridzilla stuff will have the last laugh though, childrend will come to them and they will bring HAVOC!

Make sure your uncle gets so drunk that he heckles the ceremony. Also make sure that childless friend complains loudly about how child friendly your wedding is. Have bridesmaids, with no warning, do a song and dance routine that makes your DH sit there shaking his head, and make sure this is captured on any videos people take so that said bridesmaids can't be shown.

Reluctantly decide to have a gift list, even though you hate asking for presents, and spend hours choosing nice cheap presents that will, however be really useful (tea strainer, oven glove, etc). All but three of the guests will ignore this and buy you towels or hideous lamps. Even after ringing you to ask what exactly off the list you would like, just to put you on the spot and make you feel awkward.

Spend ages ringing round bus companies to get a cheap bus from your old hometown and back again for the 30+ guests who say they would like this. NOT ONE will actually want it in the end.

Make sure your FIL disapears for hours on end, with no mobile, with your perfectly happy baby, so she isn't on any family photos. That will make for great conversations when she is older.

Only agree to have a first dance reluctantly, and believe your DH when he says he has specifically hired a band that will play the song you have both chosen and the bridesmaids when they say they will join in after 1 minute. None of this will happen, you will end up shuffling round awkwardly to the theme from cheers while the bridesmaids shout at your ex boyfriend to get up and dance with your mother.

Agonise over your choice of reading, as your DH loves poetry and is pouring over his books to find the right one. He will announce that he isn't doing a reading AS YOU WAIT IN THE WINGS and so you will have to just rant on a bit in response to his short and sweet statement of love.

...and breathe...

It actually was a lovely, relaxed day, that was a bit of a shambles (I welcomed the first few guests in my jeans) but the only bits that didn't really work were the formal bits that I didn't really want anyway, so it's ok

Littlefish Tue 21-Sep-10 11:25:03

Don't forget to put your single friends on a table between the kitchen doors and the loos, where they can't see the top table or hear any of the speeches.

Then, when the wine (understandably) runs out on that table, get the staff to refuse to bring them anymore (very rich father of the bride has insisted on only 2 glasses of wine per person), and also, refuse to let them buy anymore as it would be "inappropriate". Therefore, force your guests to sit for 2 hours through the meal and ridiculously long speeches without a drink in their hand. angry

NothingButTheTeuch Tue 21-Sep-10 17:00:55

Don't give the children meals in lunchboxes, as suggested by some - there really is no need to feed them at all! Make sure you only tell the parents of these children this the day of the wedding, so they can make a dash to Tesco for sustinence for these inconvenient rugrats.

For extra effect, throw dirty looks in the direction of said parents when they have the audacity to ask the venue if they could heat up the kids ready meal they have managed to get, or if the parents share anything from their plate or offer a bread roll.

This happened.

motherinferior Tue 21-Sep-10 18:18:51

Also, as someone has flagged up, don't forget the potential for Idiotic Ushers to go with Idiotic Bridesmaids. A lavender or plum coloured suit does well if they're pale, a dove-grey one if they're dark-skinned.

And do remember that any ushers - in their vile suits - who have breastfeeding partners of small babies can't be allowed to break the No Children rule, o no.

notcitrus Tue 21-Sep-10 18:34:38

Forgot to add a lovely detail from the alcohol-free one I mentioned earlier: after everyone finally eats, first have I think the honorary father of the groom give a half-hour speech - which might have been lovely but was in a language I don't think anyone at the event understood, including the happy couple.

Then give out lovely gifts to all the guests. A local pound shop is good for these - all women dressed for a formal wedding will appreciate a plastic dish-drainer and a wipe-clean lurid placemat, while the men will love their mugs with a picture of the couple and a non-scanning poem!

Admittedly marginally more useful than bloody sugared almonds...

motherinferior Tue 21-Sep-10 18:38:40

I still think that one glass of semi-sweet semi-sparkling is worse than no booze at all. There is a killjoy meanness about it that really takes the biscuit.

spiralqueen Tue 21-Sep-10 19:12:25

Get immersed in bridal magazines, wedding tv and wedding forums so that you become convinced that a wishing tree/themed postbox for vouchers/latest must-have of your choice is essential. Don't whatever you do explain to the guests what it's all about or what they are expected to do. Then get upset when the guests fail to do what you wanted them to do.

Invite guests to the evening reception an hour's drive from the church but don't tell them that they were expected to be at the church to fill it up. While they are waiting to be allowed into the reception due to the wedding breakfast over-running by an hour get the groom to come out and give them a b*llocking for not attending the church and ruining the bride's day. Bride upset by finding church half empty and specially hired choir (news to the evening guests) almost outnumbering the congregation.

Make sure the day runs over enough to ensure that the evening guests have to wait outside or even better let them come into the room and then get ushered out by jobsworth hotel staff loudly telling them that they're not wanted yet.

Suncottage Tue 21-Sep-10 21:35:45

madascheese

It seems to be broken down quite succinctly

1) Do not get married in a remote location
2) Do not expect your guests to lay out a fortune to attend your wedding
3) Allow children
4) Feed and water your guests all day!

Enjoy girl - you sound lovely and please keep in touch with the MN's

Congratulations grin

TheBolter Tue 21-Sep-10 21:40:57

Do what my sil did and arrange for a ludicrously expensive hairdresser to do your BM's hair in the morning then surprise bill them for the pleasure after the wedding... after all they've already spent £300 on the hen weekend and £400 to stay in the hotel... what's another £50?

Believe it or not Sil are still talking grin

Madascheese Wed 22-Sep-10 05:28:46

Aww thanks Suncottage I am Lovely ....biscuit for you for that.

Why oh why would you do the not feeding /providing some drink thing?

I'd be leaving a place if littlemad weren't being fed and watered, actualy I wouldn't he's a NIGHTMARE when he's hungry - fail to feed him at your own peril!

I'm starting to thnk creatively about a set dance - we're of an age where I think my friends and I could recreate something by the Dance 'troupe' Legs and Co for the collective delight of all our respective husbands.
(Are you listening Porto?)
Bits of chiffon, some hoops and 'Bright Eyes' am getting misty eyed just thinking about how beautiful it can be......

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 22-Sep-10 07:57:59

Noo got to be "Total Eclipse of the Heart"

Madascheese Wed 22-Sep-10 08:01:19

ooooo thank you, you're so right.

I'm thinking shades of green and orange which are always flattering colours on everyone.

I do think our husbands will be delighted and proud of their ladies and DP will in NO way think he's made a mistake in marrying me

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 22-Sep-10 08:07:17

Sorry, your DH will not be taking part?

I feel you're missing a trick there.

And another one by not wearing puce.

Madascheese Wed 22-Sep-10 08:11:22

You could be right, all my 35yr old plus friends wearing leotards, footless tights and stilletoes, weaving like willows and waving chiffon scarves around the Groom that wouldn't be even slightly toe curling.

I have no idea what colour puce is, but it sounds perfect.

Dp would love me sooo much for arranging that and putting all the work into the routine, perhaps we could wear some kind of head dresses as well?

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 22-Sep-10 08:22:33

I like this but you'd need some feather boas etc to go with it. Lime green?

nickelbabe Wed 22-Sep-10 10:31:33

the usual these days for first dance is "don't wanna miss a thing".

isn't it about the couple being apart??

so you've got to have that.

but have your ceilidh band play it in an odd celtic style, with uneven rhythms.
this'll be made all the better by the fact that you and DH have spent weeks practising it to the recorded version (with even rhythm).

grin

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 22-Sep-10 12:00:10

yeah, is it really? I thought it was just the people I knew who had crap taste.

What about I'll Be Stalking Watching You?

Because that's not at all creepy.

DS could learn that in time, right?

Suncottage Wed 22-Sep-10 13:35:57

I think your first dance should be a conga - I have mentioned before in this thread it was the highlight of the evening at one wedding we went to.

Only the very old, the stricken and pregnant women to be spared the humiliation fun.

Then have a food fight - chocolate mousse does not come out of silk/wool/cotton/nylon or any other material known to man.

Don't worry the guests will be enjoying themselves really - it just might not look like it.

Madascheese Wed 22-Sep-10 17:09:19

Do NOT underestimate the power of the Conga......

Suncottage Wed 22-Sep-10 18:59:02

mad

So true - it is as important as the turkey at Christmas.

Read your wedding etiquette manuals. Even Charles and Di did it. Knackered the Queen Mum's hip mind.................

The Time Warp may be a safer and gentler option - complete with costumes of course.

Every man is a secret transvestite you see and just wants the opportunity to dress up in stockings and suspenders.

Sooooo glad we are all being of help.

grin

Madascheese Wed 22-Sep-10 19:15:11

Sun I really want you to come! - you're being practically my wedding planner atm

Suncottage Wed 22-Sep-10 19:17:04

[Preens and twirls prettily]

Jux Wed 22-Sep-10 19:20:37

Tell them they must each bring a dead rabbit, which each person must skin before they're allowed in the church. Once all rabbits are skinned get a local chef to cook them up for the reception.

Suncottage Wed 22-Sep-10 19:38:50

Mad

I am so excited. So far I have booked you:

A small church in a remote area of Kasakubekikistahn (west of Russia) look it up

The local culture decrees you must live there for 6 months before the nuptials - as do your guests. Without their children.

Food is not allowed - you must fast from midnight to 11.55am throughout this period.

The food served at the wedding will be kittens, puppies and other small furry little critters. No veggies allowed. They will be spat on.

Colour corordinated guests - orange and green

The conga to be danced between courses

Tickets to your wedding are a grand each and the wedding list is at Tiffany's. The really expensive part of Tiffany's. The part with men with guns at the door.

Please don't thank me. No need. It is your day darling.

Madascheese Wed 22-Sep-10 19:47:15

Oh Sun that's my perfect day!

except can you add Jux's suggestion up there as I'm rocking the dead game motif

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 22-Sep-10 19:54:46

puppies and kittens! Mmmmmmm! <throws out veggie cook books in flurry of convert zeal>

Suncottage Wed 22-Sep-10 19:59:56

Mad Mad Dahling

You must do your bit - have you had a fight with your MIL-to-be yet?

Please try or your matron of honour? She needs bringing down a peg or two - she's broke and cannot afford Tiffany's but has been your best and closest friend since birth. Have a go at how unreasonable she is being - coupled with not wanting to put her two children into foster care for six months!

It is your big day sweetie and people should realise this.

I could simply yip for you.

Are you really, really sure about that dress sweetie?

{must go now Mad - it is becoming real in my mind - aaaagh}

I need an assistant wedding planner - ladies please step forward.

ColdComfortFarm Wed 22-Sep-10 20:08:48

Ask a friend to make a speech explaining that the point of marriage for true Christians is to have sex, and use the word 'flesh' a lot. Arrange for elderly, very religious rellies to sit in front row.

Madascheese Wed 22-Sep-10 22:11:37

Oh shit have just spent an hour and a half giggling on the phone to my matron of honour (she's bringing someone to take care of her edible kids who I adore and I'm going to feed them all as well)

She did slow down for a second when I mentioned the plan for the dance and I had to tell her I WAS joking

'fraid my Parents in Law to be are lovely as well and I have no intention of falling out with them.

<whisper> I'm buying her dress as well.

Loving the suggestion Coldcomfortfarm, will go down well in our church.

butterscotch Wed 22-Sep-10 23:08:31

Sniggers at some of these!!!

Congrates OP

BTW the thing you really need to do with your invites is have an A-Z list making things really "twee"!!!

Ohh the leaving guests with one glass of cheap bucks fizz on arrival at reception (30min drive from church) then doing 22.5 hrs photos (12pm wedding) then a greeting line no canapes and then not semi g food till 6pm then oh having 2 glasses of vino per person for a meal that is badly served I.e. taking 2hrs speeches that drag....

Ohhh and asking a friend tomb bm when her darling dc wil be 3months old and holding hen am

butterscotch Wed 22-Sep-10 23:10:44

Sorry on phone so said bm with young baby expected to attend full on hen night with overnight stay in hotel in central London whilst on maternity leave....

But when a few years later you have dc you don't want to leave said dc for us to meet for dinner/lunch etc....

Jux Thu 23-Sep-10 08:57:54

Vicars and Tarts. And someone should kick against the rules and come dressed as a spider and put their legs down recumbent cleavages (should be able to do four at a time if you book a space too small and everyone's crowded and hot).

Jux Thu 23-Sep-10 08:59:16

And I would add to Coldcomfort's speech suggestion with the word loins, spoken with gusto and smacked lips.

Booboobedoo Thu 23-Sep-10 11:11:26

Perhaps the vicar could use the Emo Philips line:

'Here's hoping your naked couplings no longer sadden the Lord'.

Inertia Thu 23-Sep-10 12:59:16

Suncottage, please make Jux your assistant wedding planner! There have been nowhere near enough cleavage - investigating spiders at weddings I've been to.

Madascheese Thu 23-Sep-10 13:29:33

I agree there Inertia and to be fair, you have to wonder why more people aren't doing it

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 23-Sep-10 13:34:44

Oh yes - in fact why not hire a poisonous arachnid/snake handler to be the children's entertainment (in a neighbouring country if the Keeiofdoidsidgstan plan goes ahead)?

Don't you think it would be a touching tribute if your brand new DH performed an acoustic version of "Smack My Bitch Up" in an interlude at the reception?

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 23-Sep-10 13:47:55

PMSL Booboobedoo.

I have the perfect song for him to serenade you with after (during?) the ceremony: this

(BTW it's a Ben Folds cover of "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Dr Dre and therefore the lyrics are offensive in pretty much every way possible.)

Brilliant video though, love the carousel.

<about to be ejected from feminist section>

Madascheese Thu 23-Sep-10 13:52:38

Oh that's too perfect! and will be ideal during the ceremony - we looking for a third hymn and that seems to say it all.

Plus would love to see Porto breaking it down....

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 23-Sep-10 14:34:23

"third hymn". So Auntie Doris will get a chance to sing it in her quavery voice in between the sermon on the fleshly lusts? Marvellous.

KiwiKat Thu 23-Sep-10 14:47:40

Right, here we go:

It's essential that you organise every aspect of your wedding whilst at work. Let interns and assistants help, as a wedding brings joy to everyone it touches. Use your company credit card for the three foot ice carving of your initials in a heart, as your personal cards will have been maxed out by now.

Advise people that they will be kneeling at the church for a blessing (or wherever you get married, ESPECIALLY if it's not a church) and they must all bring their own cushions for this. Mention that it would be nice if they were colour coordinated with the wedding's theme colours, as 'most people are doing this'. (Have a tantrum and name and shame on the day if anyone dares not comply with this little request.)

Only Pimms will be served, as that's your favourite drink.

Which brings us to the wedding's theme colours - Pimm's is the inspiration here, lemon, lime, violent orange. (Reflected in aforesaid cushions, please) hese colours make you glow - you're an 'autumn'.

Advise your 10 closest friends that you will be holding auditions for bridesmaids, and set them a series of tasks to complete. Announce the three winners a week before the wedding, so that the dressmaker has time to ensure that the dresses you've chosen (in lemon, lime and violent orange, remember?) fit each of them perfectly, even though they're all 'winters' and the colours make them look like they've been dead a week.

As guests arrive for the reception, hand each a sealed envelope with their table number inside, so no one knows anyone they'll be sitting with, as it will be so much fun for them to 'mix it up and meet new people'.

Make sure every guest has at least one ex present, as you want to 'share the love' and help everyone build bridges with the past. Naturally some of your friends will share exes, so when you ask each guest to stand up and say something nice about each person in the room that they've slept with or dated (ask them to clarify this so everyone's clear) things will be a little weird. Especially when one of your cousins is mentioned by about 45 blokes.

Invite your scary, vindictive and non-drinking boss that everyone hates, and ensure that he/she and your workmates, who will be terrified and drink A LOT, are the only people who DO sit together, so that they can bond during out of work hours. Ensure that your work colleagues' off-the-cuff comments (about aforesaid scary boss, of course) are recorded for posterity on video, and share them with the whole office at your first team meeting when back from honeymoon. The nice comments about the colleagues they've slept with will be both surprising to the team, and especially humorous.

During the wedding speeches, tell everyone that, in the spirit of true feminism, newDH is taking YOUR name.

I expect a full report.

Suncottage Thu 23-Sep-10 14:49:34

jux

We are now the wedding planners - whatever you do please do not consult the bride about the arrangments. Brides are strange creatues with minds of their own.

The date she has in mind is not quite convenient for me? I can make the week after or the following August - that is the 2012 one. What about you?

I think she actually wants family and friends there. This is odd. How can we convince her otherwise?

Also the matron of honour and Madascheese seem to getting on too well. We need to drive a wedge there - cannot start too soon.

Are you okay to start there and I will sort out the canapes?

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 23-Sep-10 15:17:38

Tell me at least some of that is made-up, Kiwicat?

Although him taking her name is too normal. They both need to take a new name, preferably the worst possible combination of both of their names, either double-barreled as in Mr & Mrs Black-De'ath, or spliced together as in Partington & Hooper -> Pooper.

Madascheese Thu 23-Sep-10 15:48:48

You are all making me laugh so much - and I'm especially thankful for the generosity of spirit being shown here by SunCottage and Jux so selflessly giving of themselves to hijack plan their my perfect day.

Please enjoy yourselves at my grooms our expense and just let us know what time (ish) to turn up on whcih day and I'm sure all will be well in your capable hands.

The power of MN never ceases to amaze me

expatinscotland Thu 23-Sep-10 15:53:42

There was a poster here a few years back who asked if it would be tacky if she showed off her burlesque skills at her wedding reception by doing a lapdance for her new husband.

Ach, what a thread that was!

Madascheese Thu 23-Sep-10 15:57:18

expat, I can't see how that would be even remotely tacky, I mean what mother and father wouldn't want to be fully appraised of the potential bedroom activities of their children?

expatinscotland Thu 23-Sep-10 16:00:31

One poster suggested they go ahead and consummate the marriage then and there and put it on YouTube .

Suncottage Thu 23-Sep-10 16:37:09

I think I may have it

[rubs hands together]

mad sweetie, darling.

Would you consider letting the guests do the Prince Charming dance from the Adam and the Ants video?
You could do it with your bridesmaids walking up the aisle and your fiance could swing from the candleabra and land next to you at the altar.

There is no reason whatsover for this apart from me wanting to perve at watch guys in THAT PIRATE outfit.

[swoon and thud]

Wakes up embarrassed blush

We shall stick to the canapes and cream wedding stationary at the moment then.....

KiwiKat Thu 23-Sep-10 16:58:09

As long as we stick to the Pimm's colours, I'm in agreement. And the cushions.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 23-Sep-10 17:21:47

I think the Prince Charming idea is actually quite good <gets out notebook>

There was a nice lustful thoughtful thread about Adam Ant s leather trousers in the Feminism section recently.

Inertia Thu 23-Sep-10 17:56:32

I take it Littlemad can play Prince Charming on the recorder ?

Are you planning to to tell guests that , prior to their 6 month residency in Kasakubekikistahn, they need to obtain a visa which is only available from one man at the Russian Embassy on the second Monday in June ? Or are you just going to wait until they are turned back at Customs in Kasakubekikistahn, then throw a hissy fit BECAUSE THEY SHOULD HAVE CHECKED OUT THE DETAILS WHEN THEY GOT THE INVITE 5 MONTHS AGO !!

Inertia Thu 23-Sep-10 18:18:45

And on the subject of Russian Customs, don't forget to invoice the guests for the duty payable on the pimms.

Just wondering what the wedding planners had in mind for all those leftover rabbit skins ? I'm thinking hat-making competition - saves the bother of providing entertainment for the children too.

soccerwidow Thu 23-Sep-10 18:20:15

wedding abroad and stag/hen do's abroad

Madascheese Thu 23-Sep-10 18:21:42

I was thinking glockenspiel actually (we're very enviromentally conscious in this house and a specially commissioned instrument handmade by one legged orphans in the out reaches of South Amercia is actually the only thing we'd counntenence for him)

Obviously guests are free to make conrtibutions towards the purchase of aid instrument which is a very reasonable £3995 via our web page wwww.justgrabbing.co.uk in advance of the 'big day'

Suncottage Thu 23-Sep-10 19:15:20

Mad

I am so touched that you are so pandering listening to your guests' needs.

Last night dahling I was a tad perturbed when I was lurking prowling walking by your house last night I could see you were having fun with your fiance and seemed happy.

This is wrong dahling. I have managed to get three members of your family and two friends on my side agreeing with me.

Bring out the inner Bridezilla - Mumsnetters will applaude you and your family will show some respect.

You are being far too nice sweetie.

Now back to the guests. I have over ordered on the food and drink. The Tesco value brand orange squash and the value pack of Gregg's sausage rolls will only spoil them.

My friend has a newborn litter of puppies though hmm

Suncottage Thu 23-Sep-10 19:23:48

Kasahkkasiiffystahn is not an option anymore on account of their human rights violations popularity of their wedding services and resorts.

Dagnamit. Nearly chipped a nail with my sheer frustration.

Booboobedoo Thu 23-Sep-10 19:31:10

pmsl @ www.justgrabbing.co.uk.

Suncottage Thu 23-Sep-10 22:34:03

mad

There has been a disaaater Dahilng-Heart

The caterers have lost the recipe for orange squash and watery gravy.

Is it 15 parts squash and three parts gravy or 20 parts water or the other way round?

And do you say Mr Bowie or Mr Bowie?

He will be singing you see. His Tin Mchine stuff.......................

Your dress needs more bows and frills.

expatinscotland Fri 24-Sep-10 12:08:50

How could I have forgotten? You must have a wishing well! A big cardboard box, covered in wedding wrapping paper and any other tacky ornament you can think of, with a slot in it for everyone who tried to forget about your tacky poem to put envelopes of money in!

Madascheese Fri 24-Sep-10 12:23:54

Oh HOW utterly fab! I was thinking of providing a laptop and wifi access incase anyone hadn't had chance to log on to the website (above) prior to arriving.

I could get littlemad and some of his friends dressed up like cute little something or others to go round with collecting tins as well...

Jux Fri 24-Sep-10 12:29:34

There are a couple of things you can do with the rabbit skins. You either hire a dressmaker (use the one making hte dresses, she's obviously quick and she'll probably chuck on this extra for nothing if you let her stay for the food). Said dressmaker will quickly make you and your new dh Tarzan and Jane outfits which you will change into for the reception. We will hire some apparatus (I have some contacts in the rigging world and there's one company who could do things - a little shakily admittedly - for extremely low prices), anyway, you'll abseil among some treetops in your rabbit skins to entertain your guests while they're waiting for the caterers to heat up the sausage rolls.

Or said dressmaker can make the skins into a large blanket which you can lie on to consummate your marriage. If you slip her a fiver she'll give you some blood to spread on it when you show it to assembled guests to prove you were a virgin. Everyone will cheer and the villagers in Kasakubekikistahn will adopt you and you can stay there forever.

Suncottage, I am driving wedge between those two sly ones. It is very subtle so they haven't realised it yet. It will come on them suddenly, ending in explosives on the Big Day. Always nice to finish off a wedding with some Sky Sparkles, don't you think?

Adam Ant is good. I like the juxtaposition of Pimms and Glam Rock Saddo Revival; very fitting. The Pirate Costumes should be in Pimms colours, we'll have to add that to the list for the dressmaker.

The dress definitely needs more bows and frills. I am wondering about a certain amount of real meringue attached, to make sure everyone gets the point; perhaps the bride's head-dress? She could try a garter of meringue which will crumble as she walks down the aisle. A flock of birds could come and eat the crumbs; they could then perch on her head and eat the head-dress too. Or do you think that's going a bit far?

I think it's quite important that the guests are made up mainly of people the bride and groom don't know or don't like.

Suncottage, I'm wondering if we could add to the occasion by having a serious disagreement over arrangements a few weeks before the wedding and being incommunicado?

Also, August is bad for me for the next few years. Could we move the whole shebang to late Jan/early Feb? Skimpy dresses look so much nicer in the snow.

Madascheese Fri 24-Sep-10 12:31:32

Laughing.Out.Loud.At.Work
That's all

Suncottage Fri 24-Sep-10 14:50:50

JuX

We can leave Mad out of the emails from now on - it will be on a need to know basis only.

Okay her fiance is being dressed as Adam Ant but in Pimms colours - he will be wearing more make up than the bride and roll on lip gloss.

Rabbits feature heavily.

Sterling work on the driving of the wedge between matron of honour and bride - just thought - can we spray favourite perfume of matron of honour onto the fiance's jacket - just to start a bit of suspicion going?

Meringues I like the sound of. We can whip them up ourselves and she can wear them over her ears like Princess Leia in Star Wars.We can stick them in place with jam.

They will also give the groom something to nibble on during the 12 hour ceremony.

I actually think we should just change telephone numbers and addresses now, brides tend to get a bit tetchy about now. We don't want her contacting us really

I have started a mail merge of the guests names and addresses, they all start with:

Dear Mug

You are about to be fleeced by this couple etc etc

Will that do?

mollyroger Fri 24-Sep-10 15:04:25

oh how could i forget to mention? The wedding I tried to forget...
The happy couple insisted everyone dress up as a cartoon character. Which is always good for the whole sincere sanctity of marriage thing...hmm

But you have never seen anthying coming closer to the purest definition of ''regret'' then when we looked upon the bride's face as she - looking beautiful despite a Disney princess frock - surveyed the advancing groom, in a VERY homemade SpongeBob outfit, complete with badly executed cardboard and patchy yellow facepaint all over his arms and shaved scalp....

dear friends, the marriage lasted not a year...

molly shock!!!

Spongebob is NOT a Disney character. This is clearly why the marriage failed.

that will teach me to read, was sure you said "disney character".....

The thought....

Babieseverywhere Fri 24-Sep-10 16:18:57

What about a flintstone style wedding It has the advantage of using rabbit furs for clothing, a remote rocky location, plus no shoes required !

mollyroger Fri 24-Sep-10 16:20:08

ffft Pedant FAIL! ;)

The interested may wish to know that I went as Dennis the Menace and my DH went as Minnie the Minx. We did Not Approve.

I know! grin
I was obv so distracted by the hideous nature of the wedding grin

Jux Fri 24-Sep-10 21:14:26

Yes, from here on in, it's none of the bride's business is it, Sun? It'll save us a vast amount of trouble if we just let her stew from now.

Mad, we'll let you know when you're needed. Keep your diary open.

(Congrats by the way)

Suncottage Fri 24-Sep-10 21:23:55

Jux

I have a Tuesday free in 2025 but at 5pm I have a smear test. Can we wrap it up by then?

I would be grateful.

Back to the Adam Ant costumes and sugared almonds in organza bags.

[sigh]

I am being sooo used here.

Mad

Please open your curtains - I can't see in.

Jux Fri 24-Sep-10 23:00:35

I shouldn't worry about your test, surely we're just starting the wedding off and then retiring for the rest of the day - you'll get to your appt with no problem and can then come back to me to help with the downing of the expensive champagne we should have sent to the wedding, but y'know, these van drivers [shakes head sadly]; anyway they'll have that fake Pimms that my brother smuggles brings in (very exclusive doncha know dahling) which we'll fob off be providing at vast trouble and expense.

I don't really see that once we've rapped a few people over the knuckles about skinning the rabbits we need to hang about, do you? We should turn up at the end to collect the final payment and by then, of course, we'll be just thoroughly exhausted and wasn't it all just marvellous? (I also have contacts who can provide us with half a dozen hard guys with Uzis, to encourage people to leave.) It looks like the bride's becoming a bit arsey difficult. Would you like one of the guys to deal with the curtain issue? They're quite persuasive.

LittleBoxes Sat 25-Sep-10 10:00:02

When the vicar says 'you may kiss the bride', make it a full-on snog with groping.

Tixi Sat 25-Sep-10 10:13:53

Hand out tacky thank you gifts to bridesmaids, ushers, mothers, aunties etc etc during speeches... Excruciatingly boring for everyone forced to sit through the long arduous process.

Suncottage Sat 25-Sep-10 17:23:05

Jux

I have just booked their honeymoon.

Uranium mining in Gulag 7. I have booked hut number 9 - have a look at the brochure

www.youwillnotlastthemonth.co.siberia

[goes all dreamy]

Jux Sat 25-Sep-10 18:06:20

Excellent Sun. They'll never forget it. (Nice touch, the Dostoevsky by the, er, - bed? - very homely.)

Suncottage Sun 26-Sep-10 10:50:45

Jux

it will be iron cots beds. Men and women are separated.

They can wave to each once a month through the razor wire flower be-decked and garlanded lattice weave fence.

I think our work here is pretty much done. Shame we can't make it. Our fee for this is so enormous we shall be on Necker Island sipping Cristal champagne by an azure sea.

It will be hell dahling.

More Pimms sweetie? Is this the stuff your brother 'acquires'?

Bride's gone quiet. Wonder why? confused

Jux Sun 26-Sep-10 11:14:08

Have no fear of that, dahling. My bro's stuff goes straight to the punters.

I've just bought a jet. Would you like a lift?

Suncottage Sun 26-Sep-10 11:20:42

Jux

Don't worry I will take mine - I have to stop off at Waitrose on the way.

Mad

When you listen to the radio in bed can you turn it up - Jux and I can't quite hear it when we are hiding standing in your wardrobe.

Thanks

ElephantsAndMiasmas Sun 26-Sep-10 12:17:26

Jux - I don't know why you're thinking of leaving for your smear test? Surely more efficient to get the nurse along too? Plus once the speculum's out you could have her staffing a little compulsory booth for all the female guests to "learn to love themselves, inside and out".

Jux Sun 26-Sep-10 13:39:01

Sun, Elephant's got an idea for us. Perhaps she could be our Third In Command (you know, the one who takes the flak by actually being there on the day?).

Madascheese Sun 26-Sep-10 14:53:04

keeping a dignified silence

Ladies I wouldn't dream of interfering when you are planning the day of my dreams and clearly have your profit margins my best interests at heart at all times

Plus while you're occupied here I'm making the real plans elsewhere...MUHAHAHAHA Just trying to flush out the scary ones on this thread...

Lotstodo Sun 26-Sep-10 19:51:12

A wedding I was at years ago was interrupted during the bride and groom's waltz by a policewoman strippergram paid for by the groom's friends. It was horrendous - luckily no children, the fainthearted or people of a nervous disposition were there. It was a long four minutes. The couple are still married though!

Suncottage Sun 26-Sep-10 21:30:44

Elephant and Jux

You are right - I was being selfish about the smear test. The altar can double up as an examination table - stirrups, stirrups we need stirrups.

Where the bloody hell is the bride?

I have bows and ribbons to attach to her dress and the groom needs to practice his make up.

Jux

Bring the Pimms dahling - I have an attack of the vapours coming on. Burn that bloody feather would you.

Elephant

Take over - I cannot cope with this - it is all to much. I mean I am just getting over the telegram. Johnny 'bought the farm' in Flanders. I have mascara in my eye godammit. I am NOT crying AND the butler is pissed on the cooking sherry.

I need to retire. BRIDE! BRIDE!

[Faints gently yet elegantly on the chaise]

Last wedding I went to the bride looked like a total tart. Hate to say that about my own daughter and all but whatever.....

[Faints again]

Suncottage Sun 26-Sep-10 21:37:43

Jux Elephants

She has another thread.

[Eyes glow red and telepathically call Jux and Elephants [hissing] - seek and kill seek and kill

Hi Mad

How are you darling? All happy and relaxed? Looking forward to the big day? Excited?

Soooo happy for you. We all are smile

Aitch Sun 26-Sep-10 21:41:40
Suncottage Sun 26-Sep-10 21:50:38

Aitch

Must be a different thread - never mentioned Adam Ant costumes, Gulags, Pimms or Jux and Elephants

Sorry. Check again sweetie grin

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 27-Sep-10 01:58:43

I think it might be a nice touch if we invited all guests to contribute to purchasing the Koh-i-Noor to adorn the left stirrup, as a kind of ironic-chic-twist-on-the-garter-thing darrlings.

thoughts?

Madascheese Mon 27-Sep-10 03:56:43

We did Aitch -

Jux Mon 27-Sep-10 11:18:28

Sun sweetie, I've burnt a whole bird (one of those I was training up for the wedding). Here's the Pimms, take a big gulp, you'll feel much better soon.

I don't have contacts in the stirrup world, but I believe our Third In Command may know a doc or two (or can get to know a doc or two)? I'm sure she can get someone to knick some stirrups. Of course, we could always order a gold plated pair with diamante from Harrods; they may no longer deal in exotic animals, but they haven't gone completely to pot, quite yet.

Suncottage Mon 27-Sep-10 12:39:17

Jux and Elephants

Bride seems chirpy today - can't have that now can we girls?

Have we told her about the dance routine we have organised?

We will be expressing through the medium of dance the oppression and servitude suffered by women throughout millienia due to the constraints of marriage and the suffering of the women trapped within this archaic and outmoded institution.

It will be fun - I will be the one bound in chains and gagged.

Soooo excited

Jux

Agree with you re: Harrods - gone to hell in a hand cart since they stopped selling baby elephants.

Jux Mon 27-Sep-10 13:09:06

My grandmother cancelled her account with them, when she could no longer buy lions.grin

(That's true, btw)

seaturtle Mon 27-Sep-10 16:33:17

I've posted already but forgot this-

Include toddlers in your wedding party and expect them to do something quirky. DS will be 2 and a half at a family wedding abroad next year. He's going to be the ringbearer. We narrowly escaped the scenario of trying to get him to walk down the aisle with the bride's father's beloved little pug. I told them they would end up running away together.

GeekLove Mon 24-Jan-11 22:34:19

Resurrects the thread.......

Also with respect to a strict no kids policy make sure this includes your then-16 yo daughter. Think that the tears she cries everytime people ask about details of the wedding oblivious to the fact she is uninvited are tears of happiness for you.

( that actually happened to a friend of mine from university)

Bluey2 Mon 14-Feb-11 16:34:27

Great thread .. and congratulations OP.

I think that no wedding reception would be complete without a performance paying tribute to the dance scenes in Darren Aronofsky's film 'Black Swan'.

Naturally, the bride is already perfectly dressed to portray the white swan, and doubtless her future MIL will be delighted to wear a black costume.
However too much winewinewinewine is to be avoided unless a 100% gory adaptation is to be staged.

Just thought of one way to make your wedding unforgettable. After the ceremony, provide drinks all round. Which have been spiked with liquid laxative for the guests you don't like but were obliged to invite. Get caterer to mix up the spiked glasses with non-spiked glasses, having missed the point. Then institute really really prolonged photocall in enclosed space. With no loo in site.

You can title your wedding photo album Study In Brown and command a lot of money for it in the modern art world.

AbsDuCroissant Tue 02-Aug-11 17:04:40

Can't belieeeeeeeeeve I missed this thread first time around, but here are some additions:
- make sure your step mother INSISTS that the wedding ceremony is her religion (not yours, or your Dfiance's, or either of your families') otherwise she won't attend, and then when mystified DF's family ask for explanations of various rituals/aspects of the service they're meant to perform, get huffy and refuse to answer
- step mother must also refuse to allow desserts to be served until she decides (and then when she leaves the room, serve and let the guests go to town)
- only have enough seats for the ceremony for about 1/4 of your guests, so the rest have to stand. Wearing very high and painful heels
- Bride's friends - make long and inexplicable video to "barbie girl" by aqua, with you all dressed up and making actions, but do NOT mention or show the groom. At all. Until a quick picture at the end so he knows he's included.

AbsDuCroissant Tue 02-Aug-11 18:16:46

And another one.

On the morning of the wedding, it is hilarious of the father of the bride calls the (incredibly nervous) groom and tells him that the bride and her mother had a huge fight and the bride ran away and they have no idea where she is, does he know? Particularly if bride and her mother have a rather brittle relationship and this is highly likely. Once groom has finished having a heart attack and freaking out, tell him "ha! It's a joke. She's at the hairdresser".

Bigglewinkle Sun 07-Aug-11 18:41:46

I've loved this thread!! Mad, please tell us how it went really - I think you'll have held the wedding of the century by now?
My oddest wedding was a friend's catholic ceremony, where the very ancient doddery priest went on about an adultery story where the husband forgave the wife a massive affair and even brought up a child he hadn't fathered... All for catholicism! Sweet, huh?

Aww thanks, it was 3 weeks ago, I'm now masqerading at LizaTarbucksAuntie.

I put some pics on my profile of what was quite frankly the day of our dreams. we had a marvellous time and thankfully so did our guests.

littlemad was a star - as always, food was perfect and rather disappointingly no one fell out.

It was described to me as a Darling Buds of May Wedding which I've rather taken to.

We loved, loved, loved our day and I'd recommend it to anyone - except you'd have to be married to my DH and have inlaws and you're not having them as they're all blummin lovely and mine, mine mine!

MarinaIvy Fri 23-Sep-11 22:33:46

OK, from recent, painful experience:

* begging (giz us cash) invitations - accompany it with a twee poem - really, PLEASE! Even better if you ask for gift cards to DIY places, when everybody knows you're lazy shites who will never lift a finger to do up your own home
* make it a cash bar, with no - REPEAT NO - complimentary drink or even nibbles - from the second the ceremony ends
* make sure you don't tell anybody in advance about the cash bar so they can, I dunno, get CASH because the 1-star hotel/venue doesn't take cards
* whilst you're busy not informing people, best you don't mention that your obsession with getting the full line-up of faked staged wonderfully spontaneous photos will take about three hours, so any of your more infirm guests (the elderly and the heavily pregnant, for instance) don't have the opportunity to take a nap in their rooms between ceremony and reception.
* spend all your money on mood lighting, and buy one bottle each of the cheapest white, red and rose per table (seriously, stuff I sometimes get from the local offie for £2.50 wen I "don't care how I get there"). DO NOT GIVE YOUR UNGRATEFUL GUESTS ANY MORE! THEY'LL ONLY MAYBE DRINK ENOUGH TO MAYBE OBLIVIATE YOUR HILARIOUSLY SEXIST CAKE TOPPER AND POEMS. And we can't have that...
* stick around until the bitter end of the disco (from a noon ceremony) - again, without warning anybody beforehand - and then complain afterwards that some people (the aforementioned elderly and heavily pregnant) left before the bride and groom did.

Congratulations, btw! And if you want a whole army of people to keep your guests in line, let us MNers know!

;P

sun1234 Mon 03-Oct-11 13:24:31

MICROPHONES for speeches!! Why has no one said this? Surely it must be the most irritating thing ever devised, especially when passed from person to person so they can all pay tribute to the happy couple.

Repeatedly imply that you are "marrying down" - that will annoy and embarrass at least half the guests, if not all.

invite as many ex couples as you can get away with, along with new partners. Seat them together. Then do the same for any long standing feuds.

Make it clear beforehand that this is your BIG day and no one is to do anything that might impinge upon it.

Children to be invited but must remain quiet and well behaved (state this on the invitation).

Spread a rumour that you intend to give the children diluted wine to toast the happy couple and that it is your wedding, so you will not be consulting with the parents first, nor allowing exceptions.

Have a dress code.

Ask for cash contributions towards the honeymoon instead of presents.

Talk incessantly about the wedding for months beforehand. Be creative about the level of detail you can go to and the length of time you can talk about each detail.

Give relationship advice to those already married and how to get a husband to those who aren't.

Plan a wedding on an island in the middle of nowhere. Outside, in a country where the weather is iffy. Make sure that there is no mobile phone reception for miles around. Don't tell your guests that you have organised cabs for MIDNIGHT and not before. Let them find this out when they want to go back to their accommodation at 10pm and the main house (where the only land line is) is closed up and they cannot call a cab themselves. They will have dressed for you flower-garden-summer wedding so with be cold, slightly drunk, tired and miserable.

We should have known since they made jokes in the speeches about how disorganised they are, ha ha ha.

vixsatis Tue 04-Oct-11 17:05:54

- expensive hen weekend at spa
- don't invite children
- wedding in foreign country
-miles between ceremony and reception
- two tier wedding: reception then "evening party" for class B guests
-endless photos
- something more pretentious than you can afford- what motherinferior said about the budget
- adult bridesmaids
-strapless polyester dresses on adult bridesmaids
-have some daft concept or theme which has nothing to do with your real lives
-poor speeches
-guitars
-hymns to which no-one knows the tune
-promise to obey him
- Khalil Gibran/Corinthians/ anything else which everyone has heard hundreds of times
-have it on a Wednesday
-bore on about how difficult it is to organise: no wedding is really difficult to organise

Congratulations. I'm sure your wedding will be lovely!

If a guest has clearly chosen to keep her maiden name when she got married make sure her name card says, "Mrs husband's first name husband's surname". That will make her day grin especially if she is the one you are close friends with and not her husband <bitter>

Make sure this is on the printed and displayed table plan too so that all her friends can make a HUGE thing out of it, despite the fact she never really talks about it.

Make sure the invitation and thank you card (that you don't send) also use this name.

Jenstar21 Mon 02-Jan-12 19:26:05

I missed this first time round too, but having been to a record 7 weddings in 2011, I can give my tips:

- Remember to only invite your friend, not her partner of 7 years, because 'you guys aren't married'. This is despite us finding childcare for the weekend for DD, and saying 'of course we'd love to come', and finding out only 4 weeks before the wedding, after booking train tickets, etc.
- Make it at 11am, 400 miles away, in the middle of bloody nowhere, so that you have to spend two nights at the extortionate hotel.
- Tell your guests you've sorted out hotel rooms for them, and when you ask about the price, tell them 'don't worry', and then present them with a bill, after the fact.
- Make the wedding and reception about 12 miles apart, across country lanes, and don't provide any transport, especially for those who have flown/come by train, and therefore don't have a car.
- Have a lengthy photo session, giving guests 1/2 a glass of Pimms each, and make the cash bar charge over the odds - £8 for a G&T!
- Have a hugely lengthy church service, despite not being church goers, and prime all guests not to mention the fact that you're both divorced, as the vicar won't marry divorcees in his church.
- Don't actually come to speak to any of your guests at the evening reception, so much so, that you don't notice when one of them goes up to their room for over 2 hours, and watches telly. (Yes, I'm guilty.)
- Find that you are sharing the double room (which you are in alone, but think is being paid for by the bride - see above) with someone you've only met a couple of hours before. Lovely.

All at the same wedding this summer. Can you tell I'm still bitter?

alto2 Sun 04-Mar-12 13:39:34

Invite everyone for 3 pm, then use every trick you can think of to stretch the actual ceremony to two hours. For example:-

1. start late and get the vicar to make your guests rehearse the hymns for twenty minutes (to make sure the singing is up to your standard).

2. Choose tedious hymns nobody has ever heard of and sing every verse.

3. Get the organist to play interminable variations on a numbingly banal theme halfway through.

4. Include long lecture on the sanctity of Christian vows, not mentioning that the bride is divorced.

Then -

Expect everyone to enjoy lots of country dancing on an empty stomach. Don't provide so much as a cup of tea or a biscuit before 7 pm. And no alcohol.

Get them all to queue for at least half an hour for buffet.

Ignore the guests, apart from your favourites. Why would you bother to talk to them?

And declare that you're not having a bridesmaid, because it's not that sort of wedding, though you only have one niece between you and she is eight years old and beautifully behaved and has her own dress <bitter mother emoticon>

psychicpaper Thu 10-Apr-14 06:28:23

Oh no, having just read the thread I am terrified I will break some of the cardinal rules at my wedding next weekend.

blush

KitKat1985 Sun 13-Apr-14 22:51:41

I think most important is to have as little regard as possible for your guests' finances. Therefore make it clear that you expect the following:

1) Make it clear you expect an engagement gift as well as a wedding gift.
2) Plan ridiculously expensive hen / stag do's, preferably lasting several days in a foreign country, that will cost hundreds.
3) Have the wedding in a remote location at least several hours travelling time away, necessitating that they stay in a hotel for the night. Even better get married abroad, again necessitating that people pay for travel, as well as at least a couple of days hotel accommodation and expenses.
4) Have nothing below £40-50 on the gift list.

If any guest ends up having to pay out less than £4-500 in total for your 'special day' then you've failed. If any guest makes it clear that they can't attend either the hen, stag or wedding because of cost, be deeply offended.

Puzzledandpissedoff Tue 15-Apr-14 13:00:24

Congratulations smile

Personally I favour the slightly suble approach ... choose the most loved-up couples on your invitation list, then misspell the names of the partners you're least familiar with; better still, substitute their name for that of an ex (Bitter experience speaking)

Housemum Wed 16-Apr-14 12:05:29

When choosing a knee length starched skirt for your bridesmaids, on no account check if they can actually sit down in it. Far better on the day for the poor girl to flash her knickers to the registrar when she takes her front row seat. At least I'm glad she was wearing knickers, but I had to be v careful only to look sideways from the register throughout the ceremony.

Ensure that in all the kerfuffle of organisation (including the bri