Make me laugh - what's the most cringey embarrassing thing you've ever said or done?

(500 Posts)
FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 11:33:30

You know, the kind of thing where you develop a weird kind of social Tourettes and you just do or say something really idiotic for no good reason and everyone looks at you like shock or hmm, and then shuffles politely and looks at their shoes. Or it all goes quiet and you want to die. Or just silly, funny, preferably humiliating stuff that has happened to you. Of you go...

Deemented Fri 16-Jul-10 11:37:45

In my younger, carefree days, i drunkenly went home wioth a fella i'd met in a pub. We'd had sex, and had fallen asleep. Woke a bit later, nipped to the loo and then thought i'd surprise him by sneaking under the duvet and waking him with a blow job.

Was all going to plan, and was hearing all the appropriate noises of enjoyment when suddenly the duvet was flung back, and the fella i'd gone home with was stood next to the bed shouting at me and asking what the fuck i was doing in bed with his dad...

Note to self - always remember which door you came out of....

OnEdge Fri 16-Jul-10 11:39:07

Well, I bumped into the tenant of my house in Tescos, and she was rubbing her jaw, and explaining she had been suffering from neuralgia. For some inexplicable fucking reason I said.........

"Thats not neuralgia, its too many GOB JOBS !!"

She just stared at me, didn`t laugh or anything, she was so shocked and offended i don`t doubt.

Why I said it I have no idea.

OnEdge Fri 16-Jul-10 11:41:39

Mine was crap compared to demented`s which is a classic.

starshaker Fri 16-Jul-10 11:45:52

This was said to me and i couldnt stop laughing.

Shop assistant - Wow how long have you got to go (was about 25 weeks preg with twins)
me - Still got another 15 weeks to go
S/A - wow your huge (she then went really red)
me- i know but it is twins
S/A - awww you and your partner must be really happy
me - no he did a runner and isnt interested
S/A - oh (going redder) well at least it was worth it at the time
me - No actually it was pretty crap

she then said she was gonna stop talking while my mate and i were in stitches she did see the funny side though

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 11:48:16

No No, OnEdge yours is good too. Horrendous bad form, obviously, but still good. I'm speechless - at both of those. This is a strong start so far, exactly what I was looking for. grin

HeywoodJablome Fri 16-Jul-10 11:52:14

Deemented, I shall always picture you like this shock from now on.

Hussy.

PadmeHum Fri 16-Jul-10 11:55:02

Demented - I nearly spat my wine on the keyboard. That is hilarious.

PS - I am drinking wine as I am 10 hours ahead in Australia.

PadmeHum Fri 16-Jul-10 11:56:31

I am waiting for the poster who sent a filthy text to her dad in error to show up.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 11:58:40

Oh God - that's terrible! How filthy was it, exactly?

Furball Fri 16-Jul-10 11:59:49

demented grin

Furball Fri 16-Jul-10 12:00:38

sorry - spelt deemented wrong

tethersend Fri 16-Jul-10 12:00:51

I got chatting to Cerrie from cbeebies on the bus- our DDs were about the same age, she seemed very friendly; I had no idea who she was at the time.

As she got off the bus with her buggy, I asked her if she needed a hand. She just looked at me like this hmm and got off.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 12:02:59

{shock] Oh dear teth. You meant well, but bad choice of words. You stupid inconsiderate woman.grin

tethersend Fri 16-Jul-10 12:05:11

I still wonder why she'd bought a two-handled buggy though...

rastababi Fri 16-Jul-10 12:06:42

Good god deemented shock grin

Mine is rather lame, but during my school years (shudder), I had some friends over my house and we all decided it would simply be hilarious to prank call a school teacher we we're not too keen on.

We looked him up in yellow pages and did the deed. During the Monday morning assembly he made me stand up and explain to the whole school why I had repeatedly rung his house on Saturday (we were unaware how to withhold numbers back then). The utter shame still haunts me to this day as does the fact on how he figured out it was my feking home number.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 12:10:52

PMSL!

I once went to a village drinks party, full of the chattering classes and ancient crusty upper-middles and horse and hound types. I was talking to a very gentile, polite, posh older lady I hardly know, who was asking me about the renovation work on my house.

I was explaining that the chimneys needed urgent attention as you could 'do that' to them and they would fall down. And at the words 'do that' I poked her, yes POKED her blush in the chest with my finger. To this day I can't think about it without wanting to cut my own head off.

lazarusb Fri 16-Jul-10 12:11:19

What a fantastic thread. Deemented- That is just about the funniest thing I have ever heard...grin

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 12:13:59

Sounds like a scene from an American Pie film!

DameGladys Fri 16-Jul-10 12:17:09

Deemented - in all my years I have never heard the like. Surely not.

I am still in shock. I salute you.

LaBellaSantaCatarinadiSienna Fri 16-Jul-10 12:17:49

Deemented shock

I work in a large city office. I was trying to commiserate to a new youngish attractive guy who was about to spend the next 2 hours on a conference call. I cheerfully shouted down the corridor that I hoped he had enough lead in his pencil blush

LaBellaSantaCatarinadiSienna Fri 16-Jul-10 12:20:35

Oh, and I also memorably told my boss that what he lacked in length he made up for in width (I was actually trying to be helpful and justify the size of his room). Quite frankly I'm amazed I still work here..

herbietea Fri 16-Jul-10 12:20:47

Message withdrawn

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 12:22:10

PMSL at you LaBella that's terrible!

YeahBut Fri 16-Jul-10 12:23:11

grin at these!
Makes me feel much better about having asked another mum at playgroup when she was due, to be told that she wasn't pregnant. blush
PadmeHum, where in Oz are you? I'm in Perth enjoying my second glass of sauvignon blanc.

Maisiethemorningsidecat Fri 16-Jul-10 12:24:45

Demented - I feel a bit queaasy....you norty girl! Wonder if the father and son ever sit of an evening, sharing their fond memories of you over a pint!

I was pitching for a contract once, and starting talking about the job being the elephant on their shoulder, and how I was the answer to their problem. It took a very kind man to gently tell me it was a weight on your shoulder or an elephant in the room.

Fortunately I still got the job - the other candidates must have been really crap!

LaBellaSantaCatarinadiSienna Fri 16-Jul-10 12:27:57

Fellatio - I could write my own thread of these but (a) I would completely out myself and (b) I would like to maintain a modicum of respect on here <wishful thinking>

SexyDomesticatedDad Fri 16-Jul-10 12:30:18

Few years ago Ds1 got invited to a swimming party - had gone to a few others all at the same place. Didn't really look at the invite too closely - turned up at leisure centre place at the right time - everyone seemed to be in the pool - receptionist just said "go on through for the party". Got changed then got in pool started swimming around - said to DS1 where were his friends? Then a parent swam over and said this was Xs party and who were we...shock onmy face as realised must be at the wrong leisure centre - the other was a couple of miles up the road!! Quick change - went off in car and got the last 10 mins or so in the pool of the right place...blush.

Moral of story always check the invite and take it with you!

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 16-Jul-10 12:32:06

I had a one night stand when I was 17 - it was only the second person I had ever slept with.

Went back to his house - he lived with his parents - in a massive great big georgian terrace.

Was sat astride him naked, when his dad walked into the room to piss in the sink (already had willy out), turned on the 100000 watt overhead light, we were all petrified with shock. Turned out to be my old Geography teacher Mr Thompson.

He just said 'shit, sorry', and backed out the door, willy in hand.

What makes it worse was that I got a job in my old school (where Mr Thompson still worked) a couple of years later, and every time he saw me he winked, the old rogue.

LadySanders Fri 16-Jul-10 12:32:45

in waitrose, loading my shopping on the conveyor belt, notice the checkout girl is struggling a bit as her left hand is in plaster, i commiserate, she says she broke her hand, i say, cheerily "oh well, at least you've got another one!".

then notice that, in fact, she doesn't.

what are the odds...

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 16-Jul-10 12:35:20

PMSL 'what are the odds'

I remember cringing with horror when i was about 4 and saw a great big portuguese man of war jellyfish washed up on Ilfracombe beach.

'oh look at his massive testicles' I cried, to the edification of the entire beach.

I still hesitate when i say tentacles.

I also pointed at a load of flamingos in Paignton Zoo once, and said loudly 'look at all the sandamingos'. I genuinely thought that was what they were called. I was 22.

VicarInaTuTu Fri 16-Jul-10 12:37:15

omg! these a fabulous.

i dont think ive done anything on this scale yet - there is still time i suppose.

YodaisaCat Fri 16-Jul-10 12:38:10

God, mine is so lame compared to these. I was at a music and poetry gig by myself as DH decided he'd rather cut his own head off than join me, and I'd moved over to allow some people to sit down. In doing so, I'd exchanged a smile with the bloke. Then in the interval, we started chatting about the gig. He asked me if I'd seen that poet before and I replied, 'Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I'm married.' He looked at me and said, 'yes, I can see your rings, I just asked if you'd seen that poet before?' It was very loud in there and I'd obviously misheard him, but HOW embarrassing that I thought he was trying to chat me up. It was obviously wishful thinking that I've still got it....

The worst thing is that I foolishly told my colleagues this story and it is mentioned the WHOLE time.

theQuibbler Fri 16-Jul-10 12:44:41

"Still hesitate when I say tentacles"
<tears of laughter>

greygirl Fri 16-Jul-10 12:45:28

my sister helpfully entertained some children in my back garden, during a BBQ. "listen to the cows" she said. one perceptive 5yr old piped up 'they're SHEEP'.

She always has been a bit too urban.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 12:52:36

We had some friends over for dinner and they stayed the night. The following morning, just as they were leaving, my DH (Christ knows why he picked that moment, but he can be a bit odd sometimes) decided to present me with a little gift. It was a picture he'd spotted in a shop, and thought I'd like.

It was hideous. I mean really hideous. I sometimes wonder if he really knows me, or my taste at all. hmm

Anyway, I was so bewildered/horrified by this picture that I stared at it for a momnet or two, and he said 'Well, do you like it?' at which point I burst into fits of hysterical laughter and could NOT STOP for about five minutes. Every time I thought I'd composed myself I looked at the picture and started again. My DH was furious, told me I was a rude ungrateful cow in front of our friends, and stoemed off. They looked like they wanted to floor to open up and swallow them, and they made a swift exit. DH didn't speak to me for the reast of the day.

PortBlacksand Fri 16-Jul-10 12:53:00

ME "Other mum at school, DS2 will be delighted to come to little Johnny's party"
OMAS "Ooh lovely Port, i was worried because it clashes with the end of term fete the yr 6 are putting on"
ME "Oh i'm sure it won't be a problem. Folks would rather go to any old shit than that fete"

Too this day i never know why i said that.....................

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 16-Jul-10 12:55:09

lolol at fellatio's picture and port's any old shit.

That's a sentence I never would have thought to type. grin

Lucy85 Fri 16-Jul-10 12:57:08

I was hoping to book another sales appointment with a customer. Rubbing her back, she said she wasn't going to be around much longer.
Oh, said I, when are you due.

She was going for an op on her back so was going to be off sick, not having a baby.

I never went back there. grin.

SwansEatQuince Fri 16-Jul-10 12:57:26

My friend had been invited to an 'Evening with Jack Vettriano' where he was going to talk about his life, work etc.

It was a bit dull and he was starting to struggle a bit but told the audience that once he began painting, he would become completely absorbed and days would pass.

My friend, who sat in the front row between an elderly couple, put her hand up and said "So you are up and hard at it all night then Jack?"
Cue horrified silence then hysterical laughter from almost all the audience, except the elderly couple...who were later introduced as his mum and dad...

My friend still dies at the thought and has no idea why she asked the question.

PortBlacksand Fri 16-Jul-10 12:57:41

grin

I also told DS2's teacher that he liked to look at CBoobies on the Laptop with his dad shock. Thank God she laughed...

I shouldn't be let out alone.

Lucy85 Fri 16-Jul-10 13:02:48

Get orfmoiland, that is wrong on so many levels.
The sink?
Your teacher?
Winking at you?
Goodness gracious.

<<clutching twinset and pearls>>

FioFio Fri 16-Jul-10 13:05:04

Message deleted

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 13:09:42

I wnt to a posh party a few weeks ago, and had big spanx knickers on that came quite far doen my leg, and some hold-up stockings that I couldn't quite decide whether to put over or under the knicker legs. I opted for over.

Before we'd even got past the reception drinks stage, I could feel them slipping and knew they were not going to stay up, so I made my excuses and went to the loo. It was only when I got to the loo that I noticed one of them was round my ankle.hmm

SexyDomesticatedDad Fri 16-Jul-10 13:10:32

At birth of DS3 had to nip out to the gents - walked back into the wrong delivery suite!

MajesticScallop Fri 16-Jul-10 13:33:04

Took children to see Santa at local farm. There was a special barn with real live ox and ass etc. for the children to marvel at. My children gazed and gazed, until I got bored and decided it was time to go.

"Come on then, small people," I trilled. Turned around. Only then did I notice.....there was a gentleman with dwarfism standing right next to me.

Everybody just stared at me.

Feeling ill now, actually, just remembering. blush

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 16-Jul-10 13:36:13

Haha Majestic.

Thing is, do you normally summon your children with trhe phrase 'small people'?

Or is it a phrase which had never before been used by you, and the law of sod made you say it because there was a dwarf stood next to you.

Bet it's the latter grin

Oh god. I once worked in a shop and had my period one day so had a tampon in my top pocket (it was a deep pocket!!) Was bending and lifting boxes quite a lot and after serving customers for an hour and half i looked down and saw it sticking up right out of my pocket..totaly obvious what it was and i had served about 80 people...im still cringing...

Also had a one night stand with a complete tosser (local "badboy" hmm ) years ago and never felt so ashamed in my life..woke up about 8am, grabbed my things and legged it downstairs only to see his parents and brother in the kitchen all sat at the table with a perfect view of the front door...i stood there for a sec with a bright red face wondering what the hell to do then ran to the door WHICH WOULDN'T OPEN....omg never been so embarassed in my life in the night befores clothes, make up down my face, hair messy and struggled to open the bloody door for what seemed like hours while they watched in silence... Finally got it open and ran home blush started work an hour later in shop mentioned above grin still drunk and cringing blush

ChoChoSan Fri 16-Jul-10 13:44:52

I used to work in a company almost exclusively staffed by men. One of their clients was a trendy London Business called 'Harry Monk'. I got it into my head that it sounded like Cockney Rhyming Slang for something, but couldn't for the life of me remember what it stood for.

I went ON and ON about it for fucking ages, saying, oh would does it stand for? I know it stands for something...it's on the tip of my tongue, come end, can anyone think what it is? ad infinitum.

Cue a load of men uncomfortably shifting in their seats and avoiding my gaze.

It was YEARS later that it suddenly dawned on me, and I still get hot cheeks when I think about it. grin

MajesticScallop Fri 16-Jul-10 13:48:09

Actually, GetOrf, I do routinely call the kids "small people". It's because of that famous BBC trailer thing years back where a little boy who looked like a miniaturised Ian Hislop went on and on about the programmes the BBC produces for the small people.

However, it did seem to me, standing trembling there in the barn under the outraged gaze of what appeared like half the population of the world, that launching into this explanation wasn't actually going to help matters at all.............

Maisiethemorningsidecat Fri 16-Jul-10 13:51:09

Cho - put me out of my misery please - what the hell does it mean?!!

nooooo Fri 16-Jul-10 13:52:17

I've had to namechange for this - I'm not brave enough to post otherwise.

Aged a very naive 11 we'd just done sex ed. Cue me sitting down with my gran, who always insisted her babies had come from the stalk, and trying to educate her. In graphic language. I just read it off the page 'the man thrusts his hips back and forth and has an orgasm and ejaculates' (I can remember everything I said!). Thing is the word orgasm to me was the equivalent to zygote - a sciency word I didn't understand. I had no idea what it meant. I genuinely thought I was educating my gran too; that she didn't know all this.

God it was so embarrassing when I realised. She took it very well though. Just nodded and laughed and said 'oh really.'

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 13:52:40

maybe bunk?confusedwank?

nooooo Fri 16-Jul-10 13:53:26

stalk? that should be stork!!!

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 16-Jul-10 13:55:49

Spunk grin

PortBlacksand Fri 16-Jul-10 13:56:45

Spunk i think..

Thandeka Fri 16-Jul-10 13:57:51

Aged 17 was having a drink with a guy I really fancied. Cooly lit my cigarette while making lingering eye contact only to suddenly smell burning plastic!

I had only lit the wrong end! And to make matters worse instead of making a joke about it and laughing it off I hid it under the table while he was talking to me stubbed it out and then went and hid in the loo for 10mins until my blushes subsided. To his credit he didn't make anything of it but funnily enough we never had another drink!

blush

LimburgseVlaai Fri 16-Jul-10 14:02:05

My (now)DH and I went windsurfing on a lake. We were both really crap at it and spent a lot of time in the water. At one point he was flopping around and I yelled at him: "Get on that board, fat boy!!"

Then I noticed a fat boy (c12yo) on the lakeside, with his very large, heavily tattooed dad...

getting on this thread to read later

i have no willpower, these are brilliant

Rocinante Fri 16-Jul-10 14:12:17

Back in my single days I met a rather nice man at a mutual friend's party - we ended up getting very drunk and spending the night there together.

A few days later we arranged to meet up for a drink. I was running late and a bit flustered, but saw him at the bar and went up to say Hi - cue very blank look from him, and another voice piping up from a different table "Are you looking for me?".

Luckily he found it hysterical that I hadn't recognised him and wandered up to a completely random bloke despite having been fairly intimately acquainted blush.

Fizzywinelover Fri 16-Jul-10 14:13:17

To this day i have NO idea what I was thinking/saying. I was not even drunk.

Lived overseas for a while and was invited to an embassy drinks reception. Was chatting to the Miltary attache and his wife.... first time I had met them. I asked the wife if she enjoyed the country, and she said that she was only over for a holiday, that she lives in the UK. I turned to her husband and said 'Oh, you've imported her for sex then?'.

I honestly do not know what came over me.

pmsl fwl

Acanthus Fri 16-Jul-10 14:20:04

rastababi - surely your parents had given your phone number to the school?

OsbegaEthewulf Fri 16-Jul-10 14:21:26

I was sitting in the waiting area of London Weekend television as I was going to appear on a telly show when I noticed an chap who often pops up as suppporting role in programmes.

We got chatting and I mentioned that I'd seen him in a childrens television series recently that I thought was very good. Unfortunatly i was so nervous about appearing on telly that instead of saying how good it/he was I told him it was a load of crap!

MathsMadMummy Fri 16-Jul-10 14:21:50

GetOrfMoiLand I have to ask - why on earth was he going to pee in the sink?! And what room were you in anyway such that there was a sink in it

I actually have to know.

I heart this thread.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 14:23:49

FWL shock shock I have a long tradition of foot in mouth syndrome but I'm so glad there are people like you around to make me feel really quite dignified and erudite in comprison.wink

LadyBlaBlah Fri 16-Jul-10 14:29:35

Recently, we had a bbq type event and DH had invited someone who I sort of knew. Anyhow, in he came and I, in my over ethusiastic way, shouted to everyone who was there already " And everyone, this is xxxxx", and it was not a name I had come across before and thus presumed it was a nickname, but was quite proud of myself for remembering it anyway. But then felt the need to follow this up with "Soooooo, what is your real name", in loud voice in front of all the guests.

"that is my real name".

Excellent

This was followed a few minutes later by me trying to have polite conversation with said man, and noticed he had a knee bandage, so I asked "ooh what have you done to your knee?", to which he replied "I injured it 20 years ago playing rugby". Cue me, "that's milking it a bit isn't it?"

FFS.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 14:30:29

We once went to a concert with my SIL and her sister, who had recently had breast reduction surgery. She hadn't seen my DH for a quite few years, and he'd gone bald in the meantime.

She said 'Hello - lovely to see you after all these years - Gosh, I hardly recognise you - you've got a lot less hair on your head since last I saw you!'

I (quick as a flash) replied, 'Yes, and he hardly recognises you - you've got much smaller boobs than when he last saw you.'

I'd never met her before.blushshock

Fizzywinelover Fri 16-Jul-10 14:34:45

grin Fellatio. Happy to help.

bumbums Fri 16-Jul-10 14:35:55

Gosh I've done so many embarressing things its hard to choose one!

One thing I'm never aloud to forget is when I inedvertently accused my then future sister in law of being a prostitute.

Myself my DH, sis in law and bro inlaw and m.i.l. were standing out side a pub that happened to be on corner having a drink. I can't remember exactly how the conversation went but I was remembering how when your a teenager you sometimes end up drinking on street corners cos you can't go in to pubs.

I said "Brings back memories doesn't it?"

My Dh pounced on this saying "What are you saying? That ##### is used to standing on street corners!?" grin

This was about the second time I'd met her.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 14:41:57

I bumper into a mum from school while I was bra shopping last week. She was admiring all the bras in my hand saying how pretty they were, and I said 'Yes, but they are shagging bras - I just wanted practical comfy ones.'

I thought she'd nod with empathy but she just did a nervous little laugh and went a bit red, and looked pained.

lazarusb Fri 16-Jul-10 14:43:16

This is the best thread! Working up the courage to make some confessions myself grin

MorganMindy Fri 16-Jul-10 14:43:54

LadyBlaBlah, your 'Milking it' comment had me in stitches, what did he say???

Also FN, the one where you poked the lady in the chest, fantastic!

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 14:46:33

8MM* this drinks thing is an annual event and I've got to go again next week. Might have to tie my hands behind my back.blush

I'm dreading it already - I know I'll say at least one deeply inappropriate thing to someone.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 14:47:27

Sorry - don't know why I gave you an 8 in your name MM

kerstina Fri 16-Jul-10 14:49:49

I say stupid things ALL the time .Yesterday i asked another mom if she was taking her son to the park he has broken his leg and was in a wheel chair ! FGSblush

MorganMindy Fri 16-Jul-10 14:54:15

No probs FN!

I don't really say anything inappropriate very often (that I can remember, I'm trying to think if there are any though).

I do get very clumsy when I'm nervous though and have knocked over many drinks in my time.

EasilyConfusedIndith Fri 16-Jul-10 14:57:36

I was once talking ot the mother of a severly disabled, profoundly deaf girl. The mum was telling me how it was taking ages for themt o get through Harry Potter because her dd's English wasn't good enough to read herself (and her mum would have to prop the book up and then turn the pages anyway) so she was having to read them and translate into sign. In my head I had this picture of a dvd with audio, subtitles and sign to cover all needs. What came out was "have you tried the audio books?"

blush

twoisplenty Fri 16-Jul-10 14:59:08

One of the first attempts at being served in a pub, so about 17 then.

I asked the man (in his late twenties I would say) for..

"I would like an orange juice, half a cider, and have you got any nuts

I WENT BRIGHT RED

MorganMindy Fri 16-Jul-10 15:05:47

Actually I've thought of one. I didn't say it but was embarrassed all the same.

I was at a wedding (I was only 18 or 19) and talking to a group of people I didn't know that well. One of the women was saying how her brother (also standing with us and very good looking btw) used to be a policeman and that "it was his party trick to show everyone his helmet" at which point I snorted rather unatractively (sp!) but no-one else even cracked a smile.

I had to walk away feeling very ashamed of my disgusting mind but also laughing so hard at what she'd said.

Deemented Fri 16-Jul-10 15:06:41

These are fabulous!!!

I think the funniest bit of my tale was that as i was jumping up in mortification the dad said 'No, don't stop....' grin

rastababi Fri 16-Jul-10 15:07:41

Acanthus Yes true, but it's always miffed me as to how he linked it all together? He must have gone through every single school contact number on record to see if this prank caller happened to be a school pupil? Bear in mind we only rung him twice and didn't actually say anything. In a final attempt to justify our daft and highly annoying behavior we were a bunch of 12 year old hormonal teenage girls blush

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 15:08:23

We went for a curry and were all pitching in ahsaring each others dishes. I offered one girl a bit of my prawn thing, she said 'No thanks, I'm vegetarian.' So I pushed the prawns to one side and said 'Never mind, just have a bit of the sauce.'

I'm stupid.

chocobiccie Fri 16-Jul-10 15:15:21

I am loving this thread.

I once went to the chip shop, and noticed that there weren't any sausages already cooked in the heater thing. I didn't want to say anything stupid so I thought carefully about how to ask for a sausage, but ended up coming out with 'Do you have a Jumbo Sausage?'

The chip shop man, his WIFE, and ALL the customers roared with laughter.

I haven't been back to that shop since.

MrsWobbleTheWaitress Fri 16-Jul-10 15:27:53

I don't feel embarrassed by this, actually, as I don't remember it at all! But it's a tale told many a time by my mum.

When we were younger, we had that spitting image single, with that song on the other side 'I've Never Met A Nice South African'. Being children, my brother and I thought it was the best song ever, not because we had a clue what it was actually about, but because it contained the immortal line 'I've met a man who had two willies'. hmmgrin

Anyway, when we went to stay at my grandparents once, they had a SA friend staying over and he asked me to show him round the house, picking me up to do so. Being about 5, that meant that he was therefore my hero. I announced very loudly in front of everyone after the 'tour' that song saying that 'I'd never met a nice south african was wrong, because you're south african and you're nice'! Poor bloke!

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 15:29:33

I thought you were going to say you asked him if he had two willies then.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 15:30:40

Deemented I take it there was no Mum in the bed then!

Deemented Fri 16-Jul-10 15:37:03

Indeed there was not grin

Deemented - you win!!!

Psammead Fri 16-Jul-10 15:43:53

First day of a new job - very nervous and shy - had to ask someone to hand me a '*date* stamp' to stamp a document. Was the youngest person by far in an office full of very dour faced older employees. My monologue of shame ran like this:

'Could you pass me the state damp, please? Oh, haha, sorry, I meant state damp.'
<several people looked at me, frowning seriously>
'Oh no! How silly! Hahaha! What I need is the state damp. Oh for GOODNESS sake! State damp! State damp!!'
<hysterical laughter from me, bright red face, and they are still just staring and frowning like I am really stupid>
'Hahaha! Sorry! State damp! Fuck, why can't I... STATE DAMP!'

I tried to say date stamp a few more times and it always came out as state damp. Got totally hysterical, cold sweat, maniacal laughter, hyperventilation etc, because not ONE of the buggers broke a smile and took pity on me. I had to leave the room to calm down. Got back and pretended the state damp thing never happened. So did they. Bastards.

Actually getting sweaty palms typing about it.

Psammead Fri 16-Jul-10 15:45:19

OMG I can't even bold it properly. It's all coming back to haunt me.

DATE STAMP

<preview message>

<and breathe>

grapeandlemon Fri 16-Jul-10 15:49:11

Absolutely pmsl

Psammead that just made me cry grin grin

Psammead, I just snorted at your damp state.

Psammead Fri 16-Jul-10 16:04:38

I truly was a damp state afterwards. Horrifying. I swear to God one of them had pince-nez and glared sternly over them at my verbal impersonation of a drowning person.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 16:08:51

I hate people like that - when they can see you are struggling and they offer no lifeline. Bastards.

Is anyone else feeling a bit sorry for the dad in Dee's story? There he is, getting the bonus blowjob of his life... and it's rudely interrupted!! grin

I'm still really ashamed of this one. When I was managing a cafe as a young and feckless 22 year old I had a sign up for staff. Applicants were always young (16-24) and usually students willing to do non-fixed part time hours on minimum wage. A lady came in and asked how she could apply. Instead of politely taking her CV and reading it later, I asked her how old she was blush which is so rude and probably illegal. The poor woman answered me (patronising little upstart that I was) looking a little surprised and I tried to explain that I was asking because most people who worked there weren't looking for 'proper' jobs. God knows what possessed me, I was probably not mature enough to do the job but had it anyway. What a bitch I was. The woman (sensibly) didn't leave a CV - probably horrified at the thought of working for me blush

err no BHLS what kind of man would do that to his son!

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 16:21:34

Can you imagine how pissed off he would have been though, like thinking you've won the lottery and realising you haven't!

poppymouse Fri 16-Jul-10 16:35:37

I think I had an incident with Demented's evil twin brother.

Met a bloke, brought him back to Student flat, dimly and drunkenly thinking it might be an issue that my flat mate's mum was staying over, but no matter.

The bloke was most disappointing and we falls asleep. Woke up by what I thought was perhaps a wet dream on his part, but as it goes on being wet and warm it is in fact him weeing himself in my bed! I woke him up and said words to the effect of "What are you doing? You have wet my bed." V. Groggy, he goes to the loo, grabbing my 3/4 length coat as he goes. I heard a door go, then silence. I thought he'd gone out on the streets of Glasgow at 4am in nothing but a woman's coat, then I heard a moaning sound from the other room. I rushed round to find him standing naked in my flat mate's room with her and her mum sitting bolt up right in bed. I had missed him going in and flamboyantly flinging my coat across the room.

He couldn't understand why I wanted him to leave.

And flatmate's mum stayed for lunch the next day.

BitOfFun Fri 16-Jul-10 16:41:50

I'm still ashamed of mine now. My mum used to work with a lovely woman who she is still friends with now, who had tried for years to have children with no success. She eventually adopted a baby girl and was the happiest we had ever seen her- until the birth mother changed her mind before the final papers were signed and she had to give her up, which obviously broke her heart. When my own daughter was born a few years later she even gave me a little cuddly toy that had belonged to her baby. I took dd1 into my mums work to show her off when she was a few days old, and this woman couldn't have been nicer. "I bet it feels really strange having this new little life to look after all of a sudden," she said to me as I cradled my bundle of joy. "Yes," I replied, "I keep waiting for somebody to tap me on the shoulder and take her back off me!" Aaaaaaargh why did I have to say that?blush. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. The woman made a strangled little squeaking noise and said she'd better get back to work...

Yea

womblingfree Fri 16-Jul-10 16:44:03

When I was about 16 the guy I fancied at my Saturday job was doing the crossword. I was most insistent that the name of the mountain range he was looking for was the urinals (urals)!

Also on meeting my future in laws for the first time it came up in conversation that I knew one of dh's brothers. When million asked me if I knew the other I replied "no I haven't made it a hat trick yet" ... no wonder we've never got on!

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 16-Jul-10 16:44:26

"I rushed round to find him standing naked in my flat mate's room with her and her mum sitting bolt up right in bed. I had missed him going in and flamboyantly flinging my coat across the room. "

<crying with laughter>

BitOfFun Fri 16-Jul-10 16:46:09

Oh, and to make it worse, I recounted this tale of the most awful foot-in-mouth moment of my life in front of two friends of my parents, a few years later. They had four children, so I assumed they would never have encountered having to relinquish a much-wanted adopted baby, right? Wrong. "Yes, the same thing happened to us in 1972, before our eldest was born..."

blushblushblush

Just shoot me.

womblingfree Fri 16-Jul-10 16:48:10

Oh have just remembered worst one ever. Met a colleague of dh's while out shopping, we'd both just had babies and I commented on the large (9 yr) age difference between her dc's.
My dh hissed at me as we walked away " It's a big age gap cos her first husband died" blush

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 16:48:36

{sad] Not your fault though BOF. Not stupidity - just bad luck! Well alright, I grant you the first one was a bit stupid.grin

Oh BOF - I bet the reason you said it was because a tiny corner of your mind was shouting "DON'T make a flippant comment about having the baby taken away, just DON'T"

BTW are you PoM? Why do you keep name changing?

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 16:49:56

That's what I was just thinking!

But, deemented, who on earth did the Dad think it was???????

well exactly - at best it was an intruder, at worst his son's girlfriend hmm

ahh just looked back - you weren't a girlfriend, in which case he thought you were an intruder - slightly better!

BitOfFun Fri 16-Jul-10 16:58:33

I'm name-changing just to be a bit less searchable- I will stick to BOF themes though!

Kathyjelly Fri 16-Jul-10 16:58:47

As green student, away from home and in London on my own, I got a job as a barmaid. Gorgeous man used to come in regularly and finally he asked me out. I thought "life" had arrived. We went for meal then club, I got rid of him without too much of struggle on doorstep (I was only 18!).

In pub next night dying to tell someone. Two girls I'd got chatting to came in, so I told them all about it and then pointed him out. And said "He's really lovely".

And she said......."I know, that's why I married him"

THANK GOD I HADN'T DESCRIBED HOT NIGHT IN BED.

Deemented Fri 16-Jul-10 17:01:02

I haven't got a clue who he thought i was grin I don't think he gave that much thought, he was too busy enjoying it, i think...

lamplighter Fri 16-Jul-10 17:01:48

Padmehum

I sent a filthy text to my boss and another one telling him I'd started my period. His name is next to Dp's in my phone you see.........

I was once upgraded on a flight from Mexico to Brazil and was sat next to a chap who throughout the flight was signing pieces of paper. We got talking and I asked what he did for a living and he said he was a drummer. My mind went blank in terms of musical genres and all I could think of was "Is it a mariachi band?". He just smiled and said no

A flight attendent told me with great excitement when I went to the loo I was sitting next the South American equivalent of Phil Collins. The 'papers' he was signing were in fact autographs requested by passengers.

Mariachi band! blush

BitOfFun Fri 16-Jul-10 17:03:31

Hahaaaaaaa grin

MathsMadMummy Fri 16-Jul-10 17:13:46

<googles 'mariachi'>

ah, I see why that was embarrassing

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 17:20:02

Lamplighter - I should imagine that was probably quite refreshing him for him actually.

One of my son's best friend's father is/was a very famous rock star. Not exactly a household name to anyone under 40, unless you are a rock music anorak, but he's definitely Rock Royalty to those who care about such things.

He came to my house to pick up his son and we were chatting. He said he was just off to the US to tour, and pulled a face like he wasn't really looking forward to it. I said (stupidly) 'Ah, well I suppose you need to keep at it - keep up the exposure!' He did this at me hmm and said 'Actually no, I'm long past needing exposure, I just need the money!'

I felt deeply stupid TBH. he is one of those artsits who is always name checked in the top 50 albums/bands/musicians ever in history, and and always mentioned as an influence on younger musicians, has met and worked with just about anyone legendary you can thing of!

grapeandlemon Fri 16-Jul-10 17:21:02

Cries

Was invited to a party awhile ago. Very highbrow and everyone seemed to know each other with lots of private in jokes.

This nice man seemed to realize that I didn't know a soul, so he kept trying to draw me into the conversation. The conversation turned to fashion, and I commented that this man's bald head was very chic. The entire room was silent.

He said, 'it was the chemotherapy...' shock shock blush blush

Fortunately he was quite good humored about it and pointed out that the eyebrows were the key, or rather lack of.

MathsMadMummy Fri 16-Jul-10 17:25:30

DH ran the seafood bar at Gatwick for a while so he got all the rich celebs coming in for caviar. he rarely recognised any of them as he doesn't care about all that stuff! many people were really happy just to be treated like normal, but there were a few arsey ones.

on the subject of stupid things, when working in a bar DH did make the mistake of telling a bunch of women they couldn't have a certain rudely-named cocktail because they had no cream. "you can't have a Screaming Orgasm without cream..."

bless him.

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 16-Jul-10 17:26:27

lololol

Obama you poor sod grin

PortBlacksand Fri 16-Jul-10 17:32:43

Name and shame the arsey ones MathsMad...

....or didn't he know who they were? grin

ooh FN please give us a hint - initials?

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 17:37:16

Ooh. Can't really! Think along the lines of the age/era and level of fame as Ray Davis of the Kinks, or Steve Winwood, or similar.

Was in one of THE most famous bands of the 60's.

PortBlacksand Fri 16-Jul-10 17:39:32

Davey Jones
Eric Clapton
Robert Plant
Paul Rogers

I'll keep going until you blush.....

QOD Fri 16-Jul-10 17:40:02

Psammead for about the first time ever I have just cried laughing!

PortBlacksand Fri 16-Jul-10 17:41:43

Andrew Fairweather Low
Spencer Davis
Jeff Lynne
Tom Petty

PortBlacksand Fri 16-Jul-10 17:42:18

Paul Jones
Mick Jagger

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 17:43:13

Yes, you asre close enough already thanks! Blaardy hell - I knew this would happen! Should have kept my mouth shut!

PortBlacksand Fri 16-Jul-10 17:44:33

Allan Clarke
Mike D'Abo
Mick Fleetwood
Roger Daltrey

Okay, i'll stop now....

Roger Walters
Dave Gilmour?

I think Dee's BJ Dad thought he was dreaming and then maybe didn't care!

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 17:45:39

I'm impressed impressed with your quickfire 60's knowledge though - you must be VERY old!wink

CreepyFunbags Fri 16-Jul-10 17:47:39

I'll answer this thread as if I was my old boss. Ahem... OK, I'm in character...

"I should start this story by telling you all that I don't wear underwear, or trousers, ever, due to the terrible herpes I suffer from. (I got drunk after work during my assistant's first week at work, and explained this to her. And showed her my vibrator which I carry in my handbag at all times. It had fallen out of my bag that morning on the bus and rolled down the aisle so I was telling a story about it, not just waving it about randomly).

So, one time I was walking down Euston Road with my assistant and all the lorries were beeping their horns. We didn't really think anything of it until an old lady ran up and unhooked the back of my skirt from my satchel strap over my shoulder. Everyone driving past had seen my arse for the last 10 minutes or so since we left work.

Another time I was stood in the middle of the room giving a speech when my tampon literally fell right out. No, I'm sorry, no, not out of my pocket no..."

You know, I could carry on all day with stories about her. I wonder what she's up to these days, must send her a text.

PortBlacksand Fri 16-Jul-10 17:47:49

grin - Only 37 but my CD collection mostly goes from '67 - '74......

CheekyLittleSox Fri 16-Jul-10 17:48:23

hmmm i cant think of anything although when i first me DH i took him to the pub to meet my mum (she was out on a friday night with her mates and she said that my new bloke would be ok if he bought her a pint)

After a couple of drinks she was at the bar and was saying to her friend how 'good looking' he was and that she wouldnt kick him out of bed hmm

At that point she shouted at the top of her voice in a pack town pub

'Lisa - have you shagged him yet?, cos il let you know what he's like and he doesnt know what hes missing' Whilst lifting up her top revealing her boobs'

I was motified!!!!

Hermya321 Fri 16-Jul-10 17:48:54

Oh my gosh, I have one. I was introduced to one of the returning uni students at Church (his parents attend the church).

He was the atypical geeky type, skinny as a rake, black rimmed glasses and very much academic sounding.

We got chatting and I asked him his name, he goes 'Ed'. I said 'Oh whats that short for?' and he said 'Edwardo' and me inwardly thinking hmm went 'seriously your Mum called you Edwardo'. I went very very red and stammered an apology, luckily he laughed. But oh my word, I managed to insult him and his Mother in one breath. blush

He then went onto tell me that he had been born in South America and that it was a very common name out there.

If the world could have ended right then and there I would have been happy.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 18:02:25

PortBlacksand Ah, well in that case it would be mean not to tell you, and it would be outside most people's radars anyway. Go to your first list and think 3 man band, bassist and lead vocals. Don't name him though!

kando Fri 16-Jul-10 18:07:29

When I was much younger and working abroad, my boss was in my office (quite open plan with a few of us in there) talking about a bbq he was having later, and saying he needed to get some of those scented candles, trying to work out what the name of the scent was. I piped up with "oh it's really bugging me, what is it? Got it, it's chlamydia ..." queue quite a long silence followed by boss making quick exit blush

CheekyLittleSox Fri 16-Jul-10 18:10:39

Lol @ Chlamydia instead of citronella

venusandmars Fri 16-Jul-10 18:13:21

I had been working on a big computer procurement exercise and we had a meeting of all the senior managers so we could present our decision (exciting life hmm)

In front of 70 grey suited middle aged men I was supposed to talk about the 'weighted ranking' exercise and instead I said "I have performed a full 'rated wanking' exercise" blush blush

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 18:14:36

I have a rather embarrassing habit of always saying that a baby has conceived by HIV. blush

namehelpneeded Fri 16-Jul-10 18:17:19

When we got married I didnt want a receiving line but MIL dh insisted. I was really really nervous about it.

Cue this scenario

Guest: congratulations
Me: congratulations + much nodding of head
guest: confused

I did this not once, not twice but to every one of teh 80 guests blush. I knew I was doing it after the first time but I just couldnt stop myself and if they didnt say 'congratulations' and said 'you look amazing' I repeated 'you look amazing' back to them, even if it was MIL's 90year old male neighbour.

Still cringing.

venusandmars Fri 16-Jul-10 18:21:54

I had just started a new job. 2nd week in I went to a meeting with new colleagues who I had never met. They were wondering if my boss was going to attend the meeting.

I said " I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and he was making noises as though he was coming".

Errr no, they never let me forget it.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 18:22:49

I do things like that all the time namehelp. In fact I remember someone in my greeting line saying Congratulations to me, and I said 'Oh, that's alright!' or 'You're welcome' or some such nonsense. blush I open my mouth to say one thing and something similar but wrong comes out.

The other thing I do when I'm nervous is prompt what I think people should be saying to mbe. So I'll hand someone a drink and say 'thanks for that'. confused

This is VERY VERY funny.
I know I have some, but am laughing so much, can't think straight.

No doubt will come to me in the middle of the night, only time I get any inspiration!

tinylion Fri 16-Jul-10 18:41:02

I'm not sure if this is embarrassing to anyone else, but it still makes me sweat at 3am in the morning...

First few days at Uni, trying to be cool and confident with new group of friends.

Had a cold, so blew my nose before I went into lunch in the dinner hall (we were in halls of residence).

Someone knocked on the door, so quickly dropped tissue in the bin and went to lunch - queued up with everyone, asked for egg and chips, chatted pleasantly for a few minutes, uuntil one of my "new" friends, said hesitantly

"umm, you've got an ummm...thingey on your eyebrow?"

Cue me saying casually "what? oh it'll just be mascara"

"No, it's a big... thingey "

Put my hand up and felt this sticky stuff. Yep, a huge green lump of snot had stuck itself just above my eyebrow. It was enormous and all crusty and green, and .I honestly hadn't felt it attach itself when I blew my nose.

Rushed to the toilet, bright red and removed it...still get teased about it today...

CheekyLittleSox Fri 16-Jul-10 18:41:21

anonymousbird you'l wake up at 2am and think oooh thats a good one, il put that on MN in the morning.

FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 16-Jul-10 18:42:22

Was in a local shop and saw some paintings for sale that I thought were not very good.

Went home and said to my flatmate, an artist "Well, if that artist can sell pictures then anyone can, they are totally crap."

Yup, they were hers, under a pseudonym. blush

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 18:43:44

tinylion that's the sort of thing that would have driven me to suicide at 18 or 20. couldn't give a toss these days! Well, I could, but I'd live. I'm not very good at making a fool of myself. I'd love to be less uptight and more silly, but can't do it.

MathsMadMummy Fri 16-Jul-10 18:43:50

FN, I wish I knew you in RL, you sound fun

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 18:44:53

I'm a laff a minute, me! grin

thumbwitch Fri 16-Jul-10 18:56:13

Psammead wins for making me cry for about 5 minutes, although Dee's was very good as well.

Mine is rubbish in comparison but still makes me wince:
Back in Uni days, our course was famous for doing a panto every year. I was one of the organisers/script writers. One of the girls was Persian(Iranian but supported the Shah) and was flying back to Iran to see family but was worried she might not make it back because of all the bombings - so muggins here says
"oh you'd better leave your copy of the script here then just in case you get blown up!"
It was MEANT to be a joke, I cannot THINK what came over me to say such an unbelievably crass thing. Everyone just went shock at me and I don't think she ever really forgave me, despite profuse apologies.

racmac Fri 16-Jul-10 18:58:59

Was working in a shop and an elderly lady came in (with what i thought was arm in a sling)

conversation goes like this

me: oh dear did you break your arm, how did you do that?

her: no i had it amputated last week

me: oh dear

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 18:59:51

Which was Psammead - the damp state? that was ace.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 19:01:40

Oh dear. At both of you. the blowing up thing and the arm. Oh dear.

racmac Fri 16-Jul-10 19:02:04

another one

rather drunk in front of mil who is very very religious - irish catholic

Eastenders is on tv and i think Dot praying or talking about god

i say "oh yes bloody pray that will make the world of difference stupid woman" blush

In front of FIL (not the same time)

i fell over - i had been drinking but I managed to get my heel caught in the carpet and just fell backwards on my arse - he asked me if i was drunk - i denied it blush

flootshoot Fri 16-Jul-10 19:04:30

It's hard to believe but I'm actually not too bad these days. But I was a fantastically socially inept teenager. I had a new boss start at our saturday job who had a bit of a fearsome reputation. She was a sikh and I knew some other sikhs (fairly unusual in our area). She mentioned it one day and I, trying to ingratiate myself with her, meant to say 'how interesting, I know a local family who are sikh, and it's a fascinating religion'. What I actually said was 'I like sikhs'. As though I enjoyed eating them. She gave me a very odd look. blush

Oh, I also once asked for a baileys and lemonade in a pub. The barman was lke hmm and asked me about four times if I was sure I wanted them in the same glass. I was saying 'yeah, yeah' drunkenly, not understanding the confusion. It was only when it arrived I realised I'd meant to order archers and lemonade. I had to drink it though otherwise I'd lose face.....

timeforanamechange Fri 16-Jul-10 19:07:24

A couple of years ago we took dd for a walk in the country and stopped to show her some donkeys at a gate.

After a while DH commented that I seemed to be staring at one of them.

'Yes, I told him, I can't figure this out' One of them appears to have 5 legs.

Cue hysterical laughter from DH and blushes from me as he pointed out that it wasn't a leg but he (the donkey, not DH) happened to be very well endowed blush

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 19:08:43

I fell over drunk at a NYE party TWO YEARS IN A ROW, in front of the same man, who I barely know, who happened to be outside taking the fresh air of Billericay at the same time as me. When I did it the first time, I hoped he'd forget, but then I saw him at the same friends party the next year and he said (rather too loudly) oh I remember you, you fell over didn't you? Poor you. Were you alright?' angry I bristled with indignation, but sadly, about 4 hours later I did it again.blush

I vowed to give up drink and NYE parties after that. Didn't work though.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 19:10:21

PMSL at FlootShoot! I always want to tell Jews that I like them as well. Don't really know why.blush

fairycake123 Fri 16-Jul-10 19:11:41

I stopped to buy a copy of the Big Issue and got chatting to the vendor, who told me he only had 2 more copies to sell that day. So I went, "Ooh lovely, and then you can go home!" Fuckwit.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 19:12:38

Nice.hmm Which shop doorway would that be then?grin

PortBlacksand Fri 16-Jul-10 19:15:02

Fellatio <nods sagely> - Just Because i'm impressed grin

LittleSilver Fri 16-Jul-10 19:15:32

DH was about to be deploye to Basra and was telling me, MIl and FIL about his flak jacket, and how it only came down to just below his bellybutton. Cue idiot girl piping up loudly "Well that's no good is it for below your hips?"

I went so red I nearly died. FIL (very straitlaced vicar) thought it hysterical.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 19:18:57

wink

I'd like to say he's a friend (I do if I'm being particularly uppity) but he's just an aquaintance. We've often wanted to invite them for drinks or dinner like we would with the other parents of DCs friends that we know, but it seems a bit sad-fannish, so I dare not. His wife really likes me though. grin

grapeandlemon Fri 16-Jul-10 19:33:10

My Mother is the Queen of social faux pas so I will nick some of hers.

Was shopping in Sainsburys with Mum as a teenager when she catches sight of some people she insists she knows. She just bowls up to them and starts saying to the man "hello hello how are you have you been unwell? You look so tired!" The man just stares at my Mother open mouthed as he obviously has no clue who the fuck she is then she turns to the lady with him and says "so this must be your Mother" to which he replies "No, that's my wife". At this point I literally drag her away from them leaving the shopping behind. When I turned back from the car park they were still staring at us aghast.

Chatting to her neighbor about a mutual friend who had recently had a nose job, "On no Maureen she needed it done. I mean, it was bad, it was worse that yours"

At the family dinner table a very shy and retiring man from Malta who had been staying with us discreetly told us in passing about the operation he recently had. My Mother for some reason just doesn't let it go;

"Oh no, so what was it John? Where exactly was the problem?"

She just carries on until he, perplexed and rather distressed, motions to his groin area and we (Dad and sisters) all just want it to end.

She just has no shame

pigleychez Fri 16-Jul-10 19:36:17

Mine was when I was a teenager at school.
Some friends and I were walking home from school, just come out of the gates so it was very busy and a bit of a scrum. I was walking by the kerb and my foot slipped off the kerb sending me flying.
The survial instinct kicks in and I reach out for the nearest thing to steady myself. Nearest thing however happends to be the privates of the hunkiest guy in the six form!!

Mortified is not the word!! blush blush

I went very red and hung my head in shame. Couldnt look at him in the face ever again.

Constantly ribbed about it from my friends for many years after!

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 19:40:36

PMSL at the nose thing!

Meid Fri 16-Jul-10 19:51:17

At a work function, someone says as a joke 'is this a swinging party?'

I pipe up "no, I've been to one of those and its very different".

Silence from everyone - they all stop and look at me - so I stuttered an explanation "well, we thought it was a swinging party and that's why we left early, but we'll never know for sure what happened after we left".

I don't think anyone believed my explanation. blush

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 19:53:35

grin And? How was it really?wink

Meid Fri 16-Jul-10 19:56:25

No, really, we left early. grin

AnnieJL Fri 16-Jul-10 19:57:10

First time of my soon to be in-laws meeting my parents. It was to be a meeting at the wedding venue so everyone could have some input in to the big day. DP and I were incredibly hungover and still quite drunk. In laws offered us a lift down as we didn't have a car at the time. Stopped at a service station where I went in and bought a hot bacon and cheese sandwich. Rushed out to the car shouting to DP 'hey look, have got your favourite - do you want a bite?'.

DP looked aghast and muttered something that I couldn't hear.

Got in car with hot bacon sarnie and we drove off, car started to smell of bacon sandwich and I said 'ooooh, you can't beat the smell of bacon can you?'

Mil to be said 'actually we don't eat bacon because we are Jewish.

So, instead of apologising nicely and eating it as quickly as possible I threw it out of the window while shouting 'oh fuck, I'm really sorry'.

My dad wept with laughter when I told him and reminded me of it constantly for years.

A year after we married I offered to make a prawn curry for dinner for my in-laws...

d'oh!

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 19:57:14

Ah. Yeah - I hear you. hmm

MrsMeow Fri 16-Jul-10 19:58:36

This probably won't be funny to anyone else, but we were out for a meal in quite a posh restaurant once (DH & I and the DC) and were having a laugh whilst eating our pud. I had choc fudge cake, and thought it would be hilarious to pretend to give DS a kiss with my mouth full of it - I'd wiped some around my lips as well because I'm so immature I thought it would be oh SO hilarious.

So, I leaned over to DS with my lips puckered, and he leaned back away from me in total shock and fell off his chair. I started laughing hysterically, mouth wide open - still full of choc cake and my teeth absolutely COVERED in chocolate. I have the loudest laugh in the world (got me into trouble so much in school!) and the whole restaurant was staring at me guffawing with these brown teeth and lips waving around everywhere.

There was a table of about 14 sat just in front of us (so opposite me) and they were not impressed at all. I was so embarrassed!

countingto10 Fri 16-Jul-10 20:09:39

My MIL, on hearing that DH was to be circumcised at the age of 29, in front of all his staff in the office (she used to come in to help with the filing) - "On that must be my fault, I didn't pull his foreskin back often enough when he was little".

Staff were in hysterics, DH wanted the ground to swallow him grin.

FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 16-Jul-10 20:21:08

OMG shock That reminds me of my mum, who discusses my personal issues (ie cystitis) loudly in public.

lamplighter Fri 16-Jul-10 20:22:39

The day my deeply religious (baptist) boss was on the phone ordering a new BMW X5 four wheel drive.

I was standing waiting patiently to talk to him and asked "Are you compensating for something?"

Where the fuck did that come from? hmm

UnquietDad Fri 16-Jul-10 20:31:13

ilovemydog's one with the chemotherapy bloke could come straight out of that woman in the Catherine Tate show who always puts her foot in it at parties!

Mine is from a few years ago when DW had friends coming to stay and we were meeting them in the pub. We'd been told that friend S was going to see her other friend in the city first, who'd just had a baby and had post-natal depression. We were told she might be coming out to the pub too.

When we got to the pub it was very crowded, but we were relieved to glimpse S in the throng - got to her and the first thing I said was "Good thing your friend with PND didn't come, it's really busy!"

And she said "Actually she did, she's over there and this is her husband," pointing to the man next to her.

ShadeofViolet Fri 16-Jul-10 20:47:02

When we were younger we were very poor and I was a bit ashamed about it. We used to take squash in old bottles in our lunch boxes and Mum used to wrap them in a plastic bag incase it leaked.

She had put mine in a QD bag which I decided I was going to change it because QD was the height of naffness in those days. I rummaged through the carrierbag draw and found a pretty black one with red apples all over it. I took it to school and at lunchtime I got out my bottle and put the bag on the table. The really cute guy that everyone in my class fancied noticed the bag and started shouting at me, waving it about very amused. A ffriend of mine explained it was a bloody Ann Summers bag, and what it was (as I had no idea) Cute guy kept shouting about sex toys while I got redder and more and more flustered. I was only about 14 at the time and I didnt live it down for the rest of the year. I was known as Sex Toy Sally for the next 6 months.

He now works in my mums local Budgens, and if I go home and have to nip in I avoid him like the plague as I still feel so embarrased about it.

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 20:52:36

My DC's take squash in re-used leaky bottles as well and we are not remotely poor! I just object to excessive packaging and money spent unnecessarily. (unless it's on some bit of shallow frippery I really want for myself.)

ShadeofViolet Fri 16-Jul-10 20:54:08

Its just that all my frineds had either proper flasks or juice boxes and I wanted those!!!

ShadeofViolet Fri 16-Jul-10 20:54:27

friends

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 21:00:26

WEll I had free school dinners so think yourself rich young lady! Flasks and juice boxes indeed!

LaserWidow Fri 16-Jul-10 21:07:59

My old boss, who was very nice indeed, was a committed football fan. He was doing a fantasy football type game one year, and asked if my BF would like to join in.

I blurted said, "No thanks, he has brains." shock

I actually meant: he is a nerd and not remotely interested in football blush

totallybonkers Fri 16-Jul-10 21:12:05

oh god....

I'd just come back to work after suffering a MC everyone knew I was pregnant and I had to go to various departments in my job, each time everyone asking me how the pregnancy was going, and me tearing up everytime I had to say it was no more. sad

anyway I had to deliver a patient to thearte, where I saw a consultant who was at the other end of the corridor, and of course he said, how the pregnancy going?
well I just shouted down the long corridor, I've had a miss carrage I'm not pregnant anymore. cue shock faces from consultant, theatre sisters, and yes even the patient!

illgetyoubutler Fri 16-Jul-10 21:13:21

ROAR at Mrs Meow!!! So so funny!
and "I like Sikh's" grin

judytzuke Fri 16-Jul-10 21:14:49

At uni, in communal sitting roo with girl I hardly knew from across the corridor. She flicks through a magazine and comes across a picture of Erin OConnor or some such super model, she says " Lots of people say I look like her", to which I reply " Do they? I think she's completely hideous!" blush

My mum can't swear at all - no idea of which words mean what: me and my borther (as kids) in corner shop with her talking to lovely elderly shopkeeper, he makes a light-hearted remark, mum says "Oh Len, you are such prick!" [blush blush]

Another time, to our neighbour she says "I'm just going to the hairdressers for a blow job"

hellymelly Fri 16-Jul-10 21:20:54

I was cooing over a baby in a cafe and said "your baby is so sweet" to the mother."oh she's not my baby,she's my grand-daughter" said the woman,who on closer inspection was probably in her mid 50's but very youthful looking.I complimented her on what a young grandma she looked and then turned to the other lady she was with who had been smiling throughout as I cooed at the baby "so are you the great-grandma?" I asked. The totally shocked and frosty "NO I am NOT" made me look at her properly,she was in fact an old Schoolfriend of the Grandmother blush.I felt guilty all day.

Never forgotten the visit of my new neighbor's dd to my house 30 odd years ago. We were both about 13. Beautiful girl, half Nigerian. They were the only black family in the village and were very conscious of the fact.

She was going to a fancy dress party and asked me what costume she should wear. I blurted out 'you could go as a slave girl'! I had looked at her and thought - gold criss-cross sandals, white draped tunic, vine leaves in her hair. here

From the look on her face I suspect she thought I was suggesting she dress up like this: errrr!

She didn't call round again. I've never felt like such a turd in my life. blush

Adair Fri 16-Jul-10 21:21:52

these are so funny.

But Psammead... brilliant. Especially your inability to bold it. grin

OsbegaEthewulf Fri 16-Jul-10 21:28:33

back in the eighties I worked in a dole office and the majority of people were old school and very 'civil service'

I was a naive 18 yr old and reading a saucy book in the packed tea room one afternoon wondered at a word & asked aloud "what's cunnilingus"?

Much tea was snorted down noses and a few puzzled looks as well. Office wag told all and I was 40 shades of puce as I scuttled out

OsbegaEthewulf Fri 16-Jul-10 21:31:23

went to a very old fashioned iron mongers to buy polyfilla and said to the blokes serving that I needed the large pack of it as "I had a big hole to fill"

cringe

NanBullen Fri 16-Jul-10 21:44:52

countingto10 i read your post to mean that your dh was going to be circumcised in front of everyone in his office!

I thought blimey, his mother spouting off about it is the least of his worries blush

ThatDamnDog Fri 16-Jul-10 22:14:33

Psammead, I have had an utterly shit day and an utterly shit week and I've got a stinking cold and your state damp had me blowing big teary snot-bubbles and shrieking. DP thought I was having a seizure or something. I feel immeasurably better. Thank you grin

countingto10 Fri 16-Jul-10 22:18:20

I didn't word it very well did I !

A lot of people had a lot of laughs at his expense at the time grin. Word seem to spread very quickly about what he was going to have done hmm

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 22:19:52

*tittybangnang^ that is {shock] shock hilarious - especially the links. Yes, I admit I've drunk a whole bottle of wine, but even so, still had me making undignified cackling and snorting noises.grin

FellatioNelson Fri 16-Jul-10 22:21:18

You'd never guess I'd taken a drink or two judging by my pathetic attempt to put you in bold would you? hmm

silver28 Fri 16-Jul-10 22:34:19

When i was 17 at was giving my boyfriend a bj in his bedroom when we heard his mum coming upstairs. Quickly jumped up and regained composure then I chatted nicely to his mum while she put his laundry away. Was only after she left that I realised he had cum on my shoulder and hair. She can't have failed to see it so I tried to convince myself that she wouldn't have realised what it was. Of course a mother if 5 wouldn't have a clue about sex hmm

Also when browsing round a naff touristy shop on Blackpool prom I exclaimed 'ooh look, willy flavoured rock!' (meant willy shaped sticks of rock). Friends hadn't heard so tried pointing it out again and couldn't work out why lady in front of me was sniggering until my friends finally explained it to me.

CheeryCherry Fri 16-Jul-10 22:36:29

This thread is soooo funny!
I am still mortified about my rediculous statement from years back...best friend is Jewish, met her with her new beau in local bar...topic moves onto families amd religion, and the worry of my pal with her non-Jewish BF. Cue me stating 'oh your parents don't need to know the truth, I mean, he looks Jewish - his nose is plenty big enough'....
OMG.....blush blush and still more blush Still mortified. (They are now v happily married, and she is still - luckily- my best mate!)

silver28 Fri 16-Jul-10 22:39:13

My mum's quite embarrasing too. Years ago there was a tango ad that was deliberately crap and cheap looking, advertising still tango. Then a few weeks later they did another advert with a serious looking man saying that a bogus company had been selling still tango and people shouldn't buy it. It was obviously another of their clever, much talked about ad campaigns. Unless of course you're my mum - then you go into our local supermarket (in which many of my friends worked) and tell the manager that he's stocking an illegal product and he should remove it from the shelves immediately blush

LeQueen Fri 16-Jul-10 22:47:07

One of the very, very rare occasions where I've made a social gaffe (am always one of those annoyingly cool, calm and collcted people).

Am not remotely religious, but decided to have DDs christened in local church. The vicar called round to vet MrQ and myself and we were on our bestest behaviour lots of 'More tea, Vicar?' and inane smiling etc.

Finally the vicar (who wasn't remotely taken in by our faux-ness) asked the million dollar question 'So, what made you decide to have your DDs christened in the eys of the church?' To which I replied (in all honesty) 'Well, I admit we're not christians, but I saw these beautiful white muslin dresses in Monsoon and just had to buy them, then wondered where on Earth the DDs would wear them to, and thought that a christening would be a good excuse...' Yes, I did, those were my exact words...the vicar just gave me a Death Stare...and a tumbleweed blew through our kitchen as a thin wind whistled in the diatance.

MRQ gallantly tried to rescue me from humiliation by interjecting 'But, even though we don't go to church we do try and live our lives by christian principles like, er...doing to others how we would like to be done unto (WTF?)...and er, (clearly struggling now) not, er...^coveting^ (he's never used the word coveting in his life before) our neighbour's....(and I'm praying don't say ass please don't say ass)...but he realises that we're not actually in pre-christian Judea where asses are ten a penny, so finishes with the flourish...'and er, not coveting our neighbour's...*horse*'

There was silence. The vicar stood up and left. I stood in our downstairs loo and cried for a bit.

Gigantaur Fri 16-Jul-10 22:48:37

I went to a farm with the dc. DP was meeting me along with his dc.

AS i waited we were looking at the animals. I text him to say he had better hurry up as i needed someone to giggle at the donkey with. it had the most enormous hard on i had ever seen.

few minutes later he arrives and sneaks up behind me, he whispers in my ear
"so you've been checking out the donkey then"
without looking i turn and say

"oh my god you should have seen it, its the biggest cock i've ever seen"

Dp laughs and then says "gigi, this is my mum" it is not until that moment that i notice his mum stood beside him.

When Ds was a toddler we went to church. We sat in the family section which is behind a screen. Ds was sitting on the chair beside me enjoying it.
Suddenly he see's the prosession coming out and he decides to take a look. he runs charging straight down the aisle.

I was horrifed. i stood up and all i could think was don't swear, whatever you do dont swear
for some reason instead of swearing and in what was a much louder voice than was necessary i said "oh shit"

the entire congregation turned to look at me.

MathsMadMummy Fri 16-Jul-10 22:49:37

PMSL at these.

My DH once paid his fare with a fiver when he got on the bus.

Except it wasn't a fiver, oh no.

It was a condom wrapper.

KirstyJC Fri 16-Jul-10 22:50:49

My best one is still quite tame compared to some of yours and embarrased my Dad more than me...

I was about 8 or 9 I think and we were at the zoo. We saw the elephants and I asked my poor Dad, very loudly, why that elephant over there had two trunks......

Everyone within earshot held their breath as my very red-faced Dad quietly stated that actually it wasn't a trunk, it was his willy. As if that weren't enough, I then said that it couldn't be his willy as it was really big, and look, it actually touched the ground....... blush blush I'm amazed he took us anywhere again after that!

Psammead Fri 16-Jul-10 22:51:43

Ohh, my sister did something like that! At the bank, after rummaging around in her handbag, she slapped her cheque book on the counter only it wasn't her cheque book, it was a huge (clean) sanitary towel.

I was 14 - I died a little inside that day.

Psammead Fri 16-Jul-10 22:53:02

Oh, and the best part was that the teller looked at the sanitary towel, and cool as ice said 'sorry madam, we don't accept those here'.

If you are here on mumsnet, bank-teller-lady, I salute you.

valleyqueen Fri 16-Jul-10 23:10:33

I went into boots once to get some canestan cream while my friend popped into another shop. I got outside to meet her and announced "right that's me minge sorted out, shall we go for lunch". Except it wasn't my friend but some stranger. I can laugh now but I was mortified at the time.

Friend still laughs about it now.

MorganMindy Fri 16-Jul-10 23:16:49

There are some fantastic stories on here. Although Psammead and valleyqueen have just made me laugh so hard! The bank-teller-lady in particular has really got me laughing.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear Fri 16-Jul-10 23:18:04

My one-time housemate's West Indian boyfriend had been changing the oil in his car, and came into the house saying 'can I borrow your shower, I'm all black'. To which, to my eternal shame, I replied 'I didn't realise it washed off'. blush and double blush. At least he thought it was funny. I still don't know what on earth possessed me at that moment.

lamplighter Fri 16-Jul-10 23:19:01

LeQueen

I covet my neighbours ass. He has got a lovely one

grin

valleyqueen Fri 16-Jul-10 23:20:59

These are so funny my dd has just shouted down the stairs at me to be quiet.

lamplighter Fri 16-Jul-10 23:26:29

When I was about 7 years old my mum went in to be 'sterilised'. This was fascinating to me and I had to know more. I asked ALL of my teachers (male and female). All of the neighbours (male and female including the 81 year old man next door) and shop assistants if 'they had been 'sterilised' yet?

My darling mum has never, ever lived that one down grin

MarineIguana Fri 16-Jul-10 23:28:47

Once at work, in front of a few other people I shared a room with, a colleague asked me "So how are you getting on with X?" X was the name of my partner at the time and I thought, well, nice of her to ask though slightly surprising as she doesn't know me well. I am crap at smalltalk and tend to blurt out the truth before remembering that's not what's required. So I started blethering on about how it wasn't going so great actually (with various personal details thrown in) and I wondered if we should split up.

She went red and explained she was referring to X, a contractor we were both working with blush blush blush

I know a much worse one though but I can't remember where I heard it from - maybe on here or maybe it was a RL friend. Anyway said person was chatting to an acquaintance and spotted a loose hair on her decollete area and instinctively reached out to pull it away, realising as she did so that she was being a bit over familiar, but she decided to go with it, saying "oh you've just got a hair on your collar".

The hair didn't budge when she brushed at it so she pulled at it. It was ATTACHED TO THE PERSON'S SKIN.

Earthdog Fri 16-Jul-10 23:40:24

Can't beat some of these!...
Years ago, I was out hunting on my mare and recognised a guy on a dark horse as someone I had accidentally 'done something Bad' to many moons before...couldn't for the life of me think what, but obviously studiously tried to avoid him all day..all fine until later in the day, we were galloping down a disused railway line, decelerating rapidly, when the horse ahead of me started bucking and going crazy...the rider looked round and -yes- it was my bete noir...my horse's reins had 'somehow' got wedged under his horse's tail, hence why it was going crazy :-0 I managed to wrench the reins out and whimper 'oh I dont know how that happened!' He just gave me that Look....and rode off....

darcymum Fri 16-Jul-10 23:41:45

No me this happened to a friend.

We were at her house aged about 14 when somebody knocked on the door. We looked out of the window to see a good looking young guy on the doorstep. We both started preening ourselves before answering the door. Friend had the idea to pick up the phone in the hall while opening the door to young man, told him to wait a minute while she pretended to have an argument with her imaginary boyfriend on the phone before hanging up.

Then she said to the man on the doorstep "sorry, just split up with my boyfriend, what did you want"

He replied "I've come to connect your phone"

lamplighter Fri 16-Jul-10 23:47:02

Marine

I have done that with the hair thing!

I was working as a dental nurse and we had a female patient in the chair. I was using the aspirating tube (the vacuuum cleaner thingy) and this LOOOOONG hair was in the way. It was about 2 inches long and very fine. I tugged on it and it went with a Tom and Jerry 'piano' wire ping. It was very much attached to the patients chin.

Thank fuck she was numb in that area!

OptimistS Fri 16-Jul-10 23:51:56

These are fabulous and have given me a really good laugh (much needed after a mildly traumatic evening).

I have a few as I'm good at putting my foot in it. Three spring to mnd. In chronological order.

Aged 6, feeling rather pissed off that I hadn't been chosen to be Mary in the nativity play, I was determined that my single line as an angel (and to add insult to injury there were three of us and I was the 'blue' angel, rather than the pink or white one) was going to showcase my undeniable acting talent. So, standing forward with a flourish to deliver my line with depth and drama, promptly fell off the stage into the 'orchestra' (consisting of recorders, cymbals and triangles).

Aged 19 at uni, accompanying my friend to A&E after a drinking contest that got out of hand, being so drunk I could barely focus, and spending ages trying to convince the Dr that my friend was allergic to... glucose (yep, that building block of metabolism that without which we'd all be dead). Bless him, he was ever so patient and very goodnatured about it.

Aged 22, asking my then DH's cousin's husband if he wanted a glass of wine (he was an ex alcoholic).

I could go on....

Lynli Sat 17-Jul-10 00:00:12

My DDs had a habit of going in my wardrobe to borrow things. As I had a rabbit in there I decided it would be a good idea to hide it in my briefcase, as it was lockable.

Many months later I was going to a job interview, typed out my CV, got dressed and grabbed previously mentioned brief case.

I arrived at the interview and popped CV into briefcase, realised the rabbit was still in there, took it out and popped it into the glove box. Went to interview.

Drove to Hendon for a managers meeting. Area managers car was playing up so I offered her a lift, with another manager and my assistant manager.

On the way home my assistant manager opened the glove box. The look on his face when he saw a vibrator in there, was so funny.
He made no comment then or since and just closed the glove box. I wonder what he thought as I have never had the chance to explain.

Purplebuns Sat 17-Jul-10 00:02:45

These are hilarious!

The worst that I can think of was when I was making small talk with my Dps boss on the phone (he makes me nervous)
He said that it was hot in the office and I burst out 'Sweaty you mean!' He made an odd strangulated noise and passed the phone over to my DP.

I know it doesn't sound bad but it had me cringeing for ages!

OptimistS Sat 17-Jul-10 00:14:57

Lynli grin

MiniMousse Sat 17-Jul-10 00:23:37

Aged about 14 I was messing about with my younger brother when there was a knock at the door and the good looking boy from over the road had popped round to see me. I invited him in, we chatted and he played with my little brother for a bit then went home again. I fancied him like mad and was delighted that he'd come round to see me and it had all gone really well.

I was less delighted when I caught a glimpse of myself in the window and realised that I was still wearing one of those orange net bags (the kind you get oranges and tangerines in) on my head. I'd put it on when playing with my brother and had had it on the whole time hunky neighbour boy had been round. Arrghhh!

pippibluestocking Sat 17-Jul-10 00:23:41

Mentioned this before, but was at a wedding reception about 15 yes ago and was talking to a handsome male guest who I had just met. Absentmindedly decided to reach into my handbag and get a ciggie to light. After several failed attempts to light it, he politely pointed out to me that what I had in my mouth was in fact a tampon!!!!!

shoshe Sat 17-Jul-10 00:37:14

I have been out tonight, but I must admit not me that was embarrassed but a young man I met.

He was rather worse for the wear.

Kept telling me he knew me. I agreed but wouldnt let me tell him how.

Anyway after asking me if I was so and so sister/aunt/mother friend, I finally got a word in edge ways.

And told him he was my new next door neighbour, who I had to go out to last friday night, when he couldn't get his key in the door, open his door for him, take him in take his boots off, make sure he was leaning over the sofa with a bowl under him and cover him up.

He has been hiding from me all week grin

God help the poor boy tomorrow grin

God help te

thumbwitch Sat 17-Jul-10 00:38:51

Psammead - again you had me LOL but not quite as much as OptimistS falling into the orchestra - pride going before a fall in Style! grin

lemonysweet Sat 17-Jul-10 00:39:25

marking my place to add tomorrow.

LeQueen, oh my god i actually just made the bed shake laughing.
"not coveting thy neighbours...horse"

and whydobirdssuddenlyappear, i actually cried a little reading that! you poor sod!

PortBlacksand Sat 17-Jul-10 08:32:49

I remembered another one in the night hmm. I've told it on here before ages ago - when it happened i think.

I worked in a shop and a rather large lady came in and bought a few things inc. some lard (which is known as 'fat' round where i used to live) for her roast spuds (she was explaining to me). As she left i noticed the lard on the counter and shouted to her "Don't forget your fat"

blush blush

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 17-Jul-10 08:58:38

Hehe, what did she DO?

Gigantaur Sat 17-Jul-10 10:02:07

my then DP and i had been to a posh hotel for the weekend.
i was most impressed as it was very grand but a little tacky.

I was telling friend at school gate all about it. she wanted all the gorey details.

I detailed the food and the bedding and the size of the bed etc etc.

just then, unknown to me, the head walks past just as i say

"the sex was excellent in that bed. OOOh and we had a golden shower"

Friend burst out laughing, i turned to see the head looking disgusted and i was mortified.

Obviously i was explaining that the tacky hotel had even tried to gilt the shower head. Thankfully DS left that school the school the following term.

mousymouse Sat 17-Jul-10 10:10:59

Not me, but a colleague once came to my desk very ashamed and asked if she could borrow my cardigan. Her shirt was bloody. When I asked her what happened she told me that she was removing a tampon and it came out too fast shock she tried to catch it but it only rolled down the front of her shirt from top to bottom.
After a few years she can laugh about it...
blush grin

lazarusb Sat 17-Jul-10 11:34:55

When eldest ds was celebrating his 16th birthday, we took him and some friends out to an Italian restaurant for a meal. Dh was driving so not drinking and I hit the red wine. One of my son's friends (aged 15)explained that he had nearly been caught 'at it' by his girlfriends mum while he was at her house. In my wisdom I started to give him advice about avoiding getting caught out when dh pointed out that he was 15, I was a parent and I should be talking about avoiding underage sex and condoms etc. blush

TechLovingDad Sat 17-Jul-10 12:03:46

My late nan was great at embarrassing people, usually unwittingly.

She was in hospital and my ex (then wife) and I went to see her. Now, my ex was rather embarrassed as she'd had a really big boil / absess on her bum that had made sitting down uncomfortable. It had gone by this stage and so she'd, unwisely, mentioned it in passing a few days before.

We walk into the ward of hospital, Nan shouts out at top of her voice "ooooh how's that boil on your arse?".

I nearly died laughing.

melikalikimaka Sat 17-Jul-10 12:22:18

Chuckle, mousy, that was a great one!grin

cocolepew United States Sat 17-Jul-10 12:46:00

Marking my place for later grin

I've posted this before but here goes, In the late '70's we lived in Germany (Army). We were at a football match between the Army and Germans, they had brought tanks etc for the kids to play in. To help along the building of cultural bridges, I poked my head out of the top of a tank, gave a one arm salute and yelled Heil Hitler.

I even used my other hand for my Hitler moustache.

Igglybuff Sat 17-Jul-10 13:07:02

I've nearly died laughing at these grin

I was about 4 and at school assembly. I was desperate for the loo and couldn't hold it in anymore so out it came. There was a huge puddle of wee coming from under me, and all the other kids edged away. Poor little me was sat there denying it had anything to do with me blush

another shameful tale - I was going to a client's with my manager who liked to walk really quickly. Me in a very tight pencil skirt and heels struggled to keep up. I felt the stitching on my skirt go but had to keep walking. By the time we got there my skirt had torn all the way to the zip and I had to hold it closed. Got into my meeting and sat down thinking fuck. End of meeting, asked to be shown the ladies and a bloody giant stroke of luck meant I had a packet of safety pins in my wallet. So I was able to pin my skirt back together. Never been so relieved in my life.

Oh another one. Post DS birth, I was taken into hospital for stitches. Everything was pretty "battle weary" in fanjoland and I didn't have much control iyswim. For some reason I couldn't stop doing very long, smelly, silent farts especially when the in laws were visiting. Bless them, they're so polite, they didn't comment (especially when I was in a very hot and stuff private room). I, however, could have died of shame blush

nursie999 Sat 17-Jul-10 14:03:50

Not me but DB. He is lovely and normally never rude to anyone. But occasionally he has no control over his mouth.
Was at BBQ at his house. SIL had a visiting American friend X with her. She was lovely, but had a very very large rear end. They were chatting and she went to get some food, and came back with a plate loaded up. He went to say that's a great big plateful you have there, but he was trying hard not to think about her bottom and failing and somehow "arse" came out instead of plateful.
He went bright red and we all ignored it. To her credit, all she did was raise her eyebrows. It didnt end there.
Later on they were talking about when they stayed in my parents house. My dad has "his" chair, and no one else ever sat in it. Except X had when they stayed. What did my brother say, "I'm surprised you sat in Dad's chair, it takes a big arse to fill that seat." Brother walked away at that point with his head in his hands. When Georgie was leaving, brother went to say goodbye and tried to apologise for the comments. What came out was "I'm sorry for the arse" instead of "Im sorry for those comments."
Surprisingly SIL hasnt divorced him yet!

At a wedding upon seeing a couple I haven't seen for 3 years

Me: ..... so how is it going in the place you were looking for when I last saw you?

Couple: It hasn't happened

Me: ok.... so what you been up to?

Couple: we've been having major problems and are about to split up....

<Nelly slowly shuffles off red faced and amazed as tumbleweeds blow past>

LeQueen Sat 17-Jul-10 18:22:01

Just remembered another...

Went for a smear. The GP was only a few years older than me and actually quite attractive, which made it all rather awkward.

So, I'm lying there, legs akimbo as he inserts that metal gadget thingy-bob. He asks 'How does that feel?' To which I replied 'Oh it's not too bad, better than some blokes I've had!'

I. Have. No. Idea. Why. I. Said. That.

At the time I'd had the grand total of two sexual partners so hardly had much experience to draw upon. For some unknown reason, I clearly thought that bluntly detailing my sex life would somehow alleviate the awkwardness of the situation. Why? Why?

SimplySparkling Sat 17-Jul-10 18:32:58

grin Is it any wonder that I've got this thread on watch and I keep popping on every whip stitch to see if there are any new posts?

januaryjojo Sat 17-Jul-10 19:06:00

Not me but my DP, he gets away with saying the most outrageous things and no-one bats an eyelid.

His mate who he works with has just announced his GF is pg.

The GF is half jamaican and half english, DP's mate is ginger haired.

My DP turns round and says bloody hell you're having a jaffa cake!!!!!

How his mate didn't deck him I don't know, but their other mate was apparently wetting himself laughing!!!!

januaryjojo Sat 17-Jul-10 19:09:14

But then DP's nan at BIL first wedding, a big catholic church wedding, yells out at the vicar/priest "bet you've been waiting all day for that"!!!
At the bit where he is blessing and drinking the wine!!!

GeekOfTheWeek Sat 17-Jul-10 19:11:28

First time I shagged dh I had unshaved legs and none matching underwear. On purpose so i didn't shag him hmm

Fell of a giant speaker whilst dancing in a club in Blackpool.

Walked around a large nightclub with my boob tube style top around my waist shock

Did an exaggerated baywatch slow motion sprint around the side of the pool on holiday, slipped, smacked my arse on the side and fell in.

babywrangler Sat 17-Jul-10 19:21:17

Oh God, This thread is making me feel so much better, I've got loads.

Most recently...

Pregs with DD last autumn and my equally Preg Colleague and I would amuse ourselves by calling each other fatso etc.

Any way, I spot PC getting out of a car one morning and delightedly yell, 'Oi, Lardarse. You need to lay off those cakes my girl,'

A complete stranger turns round, gives me this look like she's just been gutpunched, utterly stricken, and scuttles off before I can explain.

If I close my eyes I can still see the look
on her face.
If you are on Mumsnet, Please read this and know how sorry I am.

Undertone Sat 17-Jul-10 19:28:02

You know those bad dreams where you're in a client meeting and your Facebook profile, with huge embarrassing photo, comes up on a big screen?

Well that happened in real life to me.

The new, ver' important client was considering a social marketing campaign, and I logged in to facebook in the meeting so the client could see what a fan site looked like... but the person driving the meeting clicked on my FB 'profile' tab.

It was like it was happening in slow motion.

i've put my facebook profile photo in my Mn pictures.

Picture the horror

BitOfFun Sat 17-Jul-10 19:54:22

Hahahahahahaha

ThatDamnDog Sat 17-Jul-10 19:55:02

grin

Psammead Sat 17-Jul-10 20:04:58

CHRIST on a BIKE! I was trying to imagine just how awful it could be.... I mean - I figured that it couldn't be that bad or else you'd never have it on your profile - but that it absobloodylutely hilarious!

Funny if you know you, horrifyingly embarrassing if you don't.

You, my lady Undertone are my new mumsnet favorite person.

deemented Sat 17-Jul-10 20:09:28

Brilliant, Undertone absolutely bloody classic grin

Undertone Sat 17-Jul-10 20:14:15

<in a small voice> It was really, really bad.

The client was from the middle east as well. He was extremely puzzled.

<sweat>

ElectricSoftParade Sat 17-Jul-10 20:17:51

About 5 days after having my daughter things did not feel right "down there", so made an appointment with my GP.

Got there and explained what was happening and got on to the bed so he could examine me. He put his gloves on, put the KY stuff on the fingers and moved the light so he could see what was going on and inserted his fingers with his head very close to "that area".

"Mrs ESP, it feels like you have a slight prolapse, please cough for me".

I coughed and promptly FARTED FULL ON IN HIS FACE. He made a slight wimpering noise and moved quickly away while I burned with shame.

He is still our GP and every time I see him I am sure he thinks "OH SHIT! Fartypants is back!!"

LimaCharlie Sat 17-Jul-10 21:06:05

I was only 5 at the time but my Uncle had brought his new girlfriend on a visit. All sat round in living room making small talk that I decide to join in

Me: "Jo, I like you"
Jo: "Do you? Thats nice"
Me: "Yes, I like your nose it's REALLY big. I've never seen a nose as big as yours. Can I touch it please?"

Jo if you're a mumsnetter I apologise humbly

Some of these are soooo funny! I haven't laughed so much for ages.

I made the classic gaff in A level biology. I said it's a single celled orgasmanism It took a long time to live that down.

My whole family were in a restaurant with my mum who was a bit tipsy. She was saying that it was her and my dad's 30th wedding anniversary coming up and she really wanted a classic present off my dad of a pearl necklace. My sister and I started laughing and saying you mean a string of pearls. She started getting louder saying "no I want your dad to give me a pearl necklace, what's wrong with wanting a pearl necklace for your pearl wedding anniversary" lots of people turned and stared. Oh the shame blush She had no idea what she was saying wrong.

BitOfFun Sat 17-Jul-10 21:11:24

Do you mean organism? You are still a bit nervous of that word, aren't you? grin

LimaCharlie Sat 17-Jul-10 21:12:19

Oh and not me but a friend - she was alone in the house, naked slapping on fake tan using the hall mirror.

There's a knock at the door and because of the layout of the hall, she hops into the hall cupboard so she can't be seen to wait for whoever it is to go away.

Only they don't, cos at that moment her DH arrives home and lets the meter reader in. Cue meter reader opening cupboard door and out pops naked friend with a cheery "oooh hello!" and scurries off

CheekyLittleSox Sat 17-Jul-10 21:17:06

OMG ESP i was sat watching BB with DH reading this on other sofa, Starting PMSL and DH looking at me like i had gone mad! Lol

That made me laugh

BitOfFun Sat 17-Jul-10 21:23:12

Lima- that one is priceless grin

Nope I said orgasmanism. As in orgasm then corrected myself and said anism on the end to pretend I'd said organism.

T'was truly shameful.

BitOfFun Sat 17-Jul-10 21:31:04

Ah sorry. You're right though, it's almost worse grin

gemmasetters Sat 17-Jul-10 22:01:27

LimaCharlie - your second post - I am laughing so much I AM going to be sick!

Mine very recent, still mortified.

Moving office space, contractor very hunky young stud who asked me out as I left new site one day. I uttered a polite/professional refusal and thought had handled it in dignified manner.

On moving day friend/coworker commented on hunky young stud and if was single. I replied I thought he was as "he asked me out, I said no but had I not been with DH I would have mounted him on the spot"

Few minutes later hunky stud, other workmen and another colleague wander through smirking. I'd mistaken the door release button for the intercom and broadcast the conversation to the whole building.

aJumpedUpPantryBoy Sat 17-Jul-10 22:22:28

happilyeverafter, your post has made me weep with laughter

FellatioNelson Sat 17-Jul-10 22:46:03

GeekoftheWeek Ah, yes, the old 'go out in ugly big knickers and don't trim your fanjo hair' trick, as a form of self-enforced chasisty - I've tried it myself. Several times. It doesn't really work does it?blush

LeQueen and ESP (that fart story was hilarious BTW) you have both just reminded me of another cracker:

Best friend used to live near a teaching hospital and took to hanging out with lots of dishy junior doctors. One of them had a very memorable name - but for these purposes let's call him Joe Bloggs.I never actually met him at the time, but she used to talk about him so often I started to feel like I knew him. He was training in Obs and Gynae.

Fast forward a few years and I'm PG with DS1, and have gone to a hospital appointment, living in a totally different area now. I am lying on the examining table having taken off my bra because the Dr needs to examine my breasts. He's just warming his hands up when I glance at his name badge, sit bolt upright and say:

OMG! You're Joe Bloggs! I know you!'

He says: Erm, I'm sorry but I don't think you do.'

'Well I don't exactly know you but my friend Sally, remember her? blah blah blah...this is amazing! She won't believe it when I tell her! I remembered your name after all these years!

He shuffled about a bit, mumbled some polite nonsense about passing on his regards, then had to ask me to lay back down so he could fondle my breasts.blush

The worst bit is that whenever I recount this tale everyone I know says 'Breast exam? Since when did being PG mean you had a breast exam? confused

I'm starting to think either:

He was newly qualified and they sent all the sucker first timers in, because they knew no better and didn't dare question the relevance. I was used as a living lump of teaching fodder shock

Or: he was just copping a feel for no good reason.shock

Someone please tell me they've been given a breast exam as routine whilst PG. Please?!

BitOfFun Sat 17-Jul-10 22:48:05

Nope, sorry. And definitely not a pelvic. Please tell me you didn't have a pelvic?

ledodgy Sat 17-Jul-10 22:48:51

Fellatio until I read that last bit I was thinking 'Who the hell gives a breast exam during pregnancy?' Sorry. grin

PortBlacksand Sat 17-Jul-10 22:49:50

Oh dear lord - or an anal....

<slaps latex glove to wrist>

BitOfFun Sat 17-Jul-10 22:51:12

Fellatio, try googling "Distinctive Name" + "struck off" and see what comes up? grin

FellatioNelson Sat 17-Jul-10 22:51:32

Er...not by him no! I think I really would have remembered that. The boobs were embarrassing enough! Normally I wouldn't bat an eyelid but it was like being groped by someone you just met a drinks party.shock

UnholyMoley Sat 17-Jul-10 22:52:47

I've never had a breast exam in my life and I've had two children.

I've heard of an anachronism used by doctors 'UBE' Unnecessary Breast Exam. However, I am a medical secretary and I have yet to come across it in any notes.

FellatioNelson Sat 17-Jul-10 22:54:39

OK you are spooking me now!

Poledra Sat 17-Jul-10 22:54:48

FN, I have had a breast exam during pregnancy, but that was because I got thrush and had incredibly itchy boobs (had appendicitis, so shedloads of ABs).

Never in my other two pgs.................

Superfly Sat 17-Jul-10 22:57:37

On a training course I told 16 delegates that the purpose of a certain department working with our company was to "ring-piece" it. Instead of "ring-fencing" it blush

OneTwoBuckleMyShoe Sat 17-Jul-10 22:57:45

Oh my life I am crying with laughter at these.

Mine is from Uni and at a medicial students party (always a bad idea).

The had made some killer punch that was making people drunk from the fumes alone but was rank to drink so we were raiding the kitchen to find something to make it taste better. Cute medical student found a cucumber and we were arguing about whether it would work unaware that there was a crowd gathering by the door...

OneTwo "it'll be fine I promise"
CuteMedic "are you sure it's pretty big"
OneTwo "Yeah i've seen bigger, just shove it in"

cue us both turning round to see everyone wetting themselves with laughter, funnily enough our protestations about the punch fell on deaf ears.... blush

FellatioNelson Sat 17-Jul-10 22:57:59

Thank god for that - can't remember being given a reason, but maybe I just looked itchy - or something.confused

PortBlacksand Sat 17-Jul-10 22:58:02

Maybe he'd cocked you secretly via your friend all those years ago and thought you were hot! Couldn't resist the opportunity??

FellatioNelson Sat 17-Jul-10 22:59:05

No, but that's just given me an idea for a Mills and Boon plot.wink

Poledra Sat 17-Jul-10 23:00:31

<<sprays coffee on keyboard at '.....*cocked* you secretly via your friend...'>>

BitOfFun Sat 17-Jul-10 23:00:48

grin

BitOfFun Sat 17-Jul-10 23:01:36

Are you sure he didn't cock you secretly, Fellatio?

OneTwoBuckleMyShoe Sat 17-Jul-10 23:02:50

grin @ cocked, Freudian slip maybe?

Poledra Sat 17-Jul-10 23:02:56

What happened to my bold there? hmm

FellatioNelson Sat 17-Jul-10 23:04:03

I'm starting to wish he had now. That really would be something to tell. Going for a rouitne pregnany appointment and shagging the doctor! I'm going to google him now.grin

BitOfFun Sat 17-Jul-10 23:04:34

hmm, that's strange. Perhaps BigTech has banned MN regognition of cock talk?

PortBlacksand Sat 17-Jul-10 23:05:00

Oh FFS!!!!! I meant 'clocked' obviously blush

OneTwoBuckleMyShoe Sat 17-Jul-10 23:06:01

Port but this version is sooooo much better!

germl Sat 17-Jul-10 23:11:06

My worst was drink related. Went out with my neighbour to watch a local band as we like the same music. She is the same as age as my mum (so was about 38), and I was about 18 at the time and living at home. Whilst we were out, I drank a lot - the most I have ever had to drink - and was obviously worse for wear so my neighbour suggested a cup of coffee before going home. I was waiting for some coffee and felt a bit hot so went to sit at the back door to get some air to find my neighbour's duck that used to roam around the garden, quacking and pecking my foot. I tried to shoo it away but suddenly vomited all over it. The next day I went over to wash the step and the duck only to find my friend, the neighbour's daughter laughing as she had been in bed and had been woken up by a "nosie like a monster" in the garden - I had to apologise as that was me....they still like me though!

Another one is a friend of mine - we went to a house party, that went pear shaped and we ended up in a field with other party goers ({confused] we had a few drinks, were still a tiny bit underage so couldn't go to a pub and thought it would be a good idea) when my friend announced she needed a wee - so off we walk in the field. She tells me she has never peed in a field before and I instruct her and tell her not to wee on her own underwear etc. She was a bit tipsy and wandered back over to me after finishing to say she had lost her underwear! God only knows why she took it off, but we searched and couldn't find it in the dark! The next morning I saw her and she explained that somehow she had stretched one leg and pulled them right up round her waist!! I still wonder why she didn't notice

PixieOnaLeaf Sat 17-Jul-10 23:13:14

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun Sat 17-Jul-10 23:18:35

No, Pixie, only the breastfeeding a dog, I think. Do go on...

LeQueen Sat 17-Jul-10 23:21:28

fellatio er...many of our friends at university were medics. They devised a special code for their pagers, so if a particularly attractive woman came in for any reason, several of them would be notified and would hurry over to assist or observe purely as part of their training you understand...?

I'm sure that's made you feel much better, hasn't it?

GroupieGirl Sat 17-Jul-10 23:21:34

Okay, this thread is so funny I have had to join (been naughtily lurking for some time) to show my thorough appreciation of everyone's ridiculousness!

Fairycake I did the EXACT same thing! Had been chatting to Big Issue seller when suited city-chap gave her twenty quid, cue me: "That's not bad, you can knock off early and go home now!" (cringe)

judytzuke As far as hairdressers go, my Gran has never lived down the day she (ever so proudly) announced to us all that she had been to visit "that new bisexual hairdresser"...I can only assume she meant UNIsex...

BitOfFun Sat 17-Jul-10 23:21:37

The knickers-in-a-field one reminds me of a joke:

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had become over-enthusiastic with drinks. They needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend was wearing an expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use that. .
The next day one husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her bum that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

MamaMimi Sat 17-Jul-10 23:23:58

I can't believe that I told my dentist that I'd be happy for him to "fill my big hole". I just tried to pretend it had no sexual connations at all,as I think he did, whilst wishing the ground would open up and swallow me!

LeQueen Sat 17-Jul-10 23:25:42

mama have you considered that actually your dentist was hoping you'd open up and swallow him?

Just a thought...

PixieOnaLeaf Sat 17-Jul-10 23:26:25

Message withdrawn

hellymelly Sat 17-Jul-10 23:30:52

Pixie that has made me cry with laughter.

PixieOnaLeaf Sat 17-Jul-10 23:38:20

Message withdrawn

hellymelly Sat 17-Jul-10 23:41:25

No,it is fab.Now as well as picturing you with your lovely brood of beautifully named offspring,when i see your postings I will imagine you as a pixie on a pig! its just brilliant.Imagine if you had been naked,that would have been a lot worse.

lemonysweet Sat 17-Jul-10 23:41:53

Pixie, please marry me and teach my kids to ride pigs.

<cough><ahem>
i mean hmm animal cruelty you irresponsible harlot, tut tut.

grin

deemented Sat 17-Jul-10 23:42:03

Went to see The Rocky Horror Show with a group of friends and friends of friends. We were all dressed up, and one bloke was dressed as Dr. Scott, complete with wheelchair ect.

Anyway, it was in full swing and we were all dancing away and i kept saying to this bloke in the wheelchair 'Come on get up and dance' I was quite insistent. Several times.

In the end he finally said 'Look, i'm really sorry, but i can't' and threw back the blanket that was on his lap to reveal that his legs had been amputated at the knee...

blush

magentastardust Sat 17-Jul-10 23:42:09

I can't stop chuckling out loud at this thread -especially the " people go to any old shite" and the woman naked in the metre cupboard!
I've told this one before but not on here I don't think.

I was once on a noisy BA flight and the young nervous steward handed out the lunch which was a prawn noodle salad -When I realised I turned to him and said "Hi.. I'm a vegetarian " with the salad bowl in my hand, Presuming he would swap it.
He just looked at me as If I was mad and said back rather awkwardly "Hi there, I'm a Capricorn" and smiled politely and continued onto the next row.

My colleague and I were in hysterics for the rest of the flight as the poor guy obviously thought I was just making pointless conversation and was telling him I was a sagitarian!
Poor guy kept going red every time he went passed and we couldn't stop giggling.

hellymelly Sat 17-Jul-10 23:43:53

deemented!!!

deemented Sat 17-Jul-10 23:45:25

I know blush

But he was very very nice about it and let me buy him drinks for the rest of the night

GroupieGirl Sat 17-Jul-10 23:50:39

Towards the end of my labour the registrar had to take a blood sample from baby's head...

Her: I'm just going to insert my instrument. Take a deep breath, it's rather large...

Me: Helpless giggles. Followed by breathlessness. It didn't help that my mum was laughing too.

valleyqueen Sat 17-Jul-10 23:53:57

This is going to out me in RL I know it.

I was once so drunk no cab would take me and my friends home, so we decided to walk the 4 or so miles. 2 miles in I decided a needed a wee so at friends suggestion I popped behind a bush, well it didn't register I also needed to poo so while crouching and weeing I started pooing. I got poo on my White trousers but was so drunk I found it hilarious, my friends were also laughing.

I attempted to wipe my self with the tiny bit of tissue in my bag, stood up and stepped in my own shit. I then had to walk home with poo on my trousers on my feet (I was wearing sandals) and if I am honest on my hands. Still found it funny at this point. Got home collapsed in bed, my poor mum came into my room at about 2pm to find a pair of shitty sandals on the floor and my pooey trousers on the chair. She woke me up and ordered me into the bath. for the rest of college I was known as the girl who shit herself.

BitOfFun Sat 17-Jul-10 23:58:29

OMG- I remember you!

Only joking grin

valleyqueen Sun 18-Jul-10 00:02:16

I may have to change my name to poogirl if I am outted.

Alwaysworthchecking Sun 18-Jul-10 00:21:51

I once loudly said to a guy I worked with, 'Look at the size of your lunchbox! It's enormous!' I was talking about his actual lunchbox and it was a mighty piece of Tupperware but I never, ever lived it down.

amaterasu Sun 18-Jul-10 00:25:08

Hilarious thread!!

OK I'm a total newbie to this site but I will reveal my most horric moment

I went for a longed for and much needed for soak in the bath...I dont get many of them without knocks on the door with various ages of children needing a wee or worse....

I climb into luxurious bubble bath and luxuriate for 5 minutes before there is a knock on the door...its hubby

'can I come in to wash my hands'

I get out of the bath to open the door...he washes hands and leaves.

I settle back in the bath and go about the usual routine with the razor...pits...legs...

next thing the door flies open while I'm legs akimbo sitting on the side of the bath shaving my ...erm...hot dog bun...and my sons bset mate (20) is in the doorway....I had forgotten to lock the door when hubby had left and the poor lad is now scarred for life blush

UnholyMoley Sun 18-Jul-10 00:28:02

The first time I met my step father to be (I was an adult) we were having a conversation about his musical interests.

I asked him if he had a big organ. Dear god.

BitOfFun Sun 18-Jul-10 00:28:37

Erk! blush

valleyqueen Sun 18-Jul-10 00:28:56

I am pissing my self at the hot dog bun reference.

BitOfFun Sun 18-Jul-10 00:30:39

That was to amaterasu, but Unholy, have one yourself!

These are brilliant. Obviously I have never embarrassed myself ever, so sadly am unable to contribute. grin

valleyqueen Sun 18-Jul-10 00:33:02

BoF I don't believe you!

amaterasu Sun 18-Jul-10 00:33:36

Valleyqueen..I'm still like that too ..can't help it when I remember the poor lads face ...and I still have to see it every day when he drops my lad off from work....makes me laugh that he cant look me in the face ...poor bastard

UnholyMoley Sun 18-Jul-10 00:33:54

Thanks BoF, but I have my own wink

Oh, actually I have thought of one. When DS was about 2 we were at the park and he wanted to go on the swings. So I took the half finished packet of chocolate buttons he was eating (sugar as bribery? - never. wink) and stuck them in my back pocket.

We spent a lovely afternoon at the park, got the bus home, stopped for a bit of shoppping etc etc.

You guessed it. The forgotten chocolate buttons had melted in my pocket and I had been walking around for a couple of hours looking like I'd shat myself. blush

amaterasu Sun 18-Jul-10 00:49:54

I went to my cousins wedding ..was horrirfied at not being a bridesmaid...so sat in the pews like a big nobody in my white trouser suit for a good hour (catholic wedding jobby) and stood up to reveal a lovely bloody patch of periodness that I hadnt been expecting and spent the rest of the day with hubbys jacket tied around my waist and everyone pointing and staring...I was the belle of the ball afterall smile

valleyqueen Sun 18-Jul-10 01:01:57

Omg Amaterasu that would have me running home.

amaterasu Sun 18-Jul-10 01:21:44

lol valleyqueen I have become quite shameles over the years as my family really should be on the the show Shameless....I used to work in my folks shop in Liverpool....we used to sell vintage clothes and accessories...one day this Japanese guy came into the shop and said to my dad ...Herro ..do you have any cuffrinks ...my dad is a bit hard of hearing and couldnt understand him...My dad shouted to me me ..."hey Jen can you help this Jap" ...I shouted back...OMG thats so racist....what my dad had shouted was ..."hey Jen can you help this CHAP"...I was fooking mortified

valleyqueen Sun 18-Jul-10 01:23:32

That made me spit my baileys on to my iPhone.

amaterasu Sun 18-Jul-10 01:32:24

Do I now owe you a noo iPhone?

BitOfFun Sun 18-Jul-10 01:44:40

That reminds me of watching a clip of an Aussie investigative reporting show, where the reporter shows up to doorstep a 'racist' landlord who had let his house in the paper with an advert stating "No Asians". The poor old fella was getting a right ear-bashing from the reporter until it was realised that he had actually wanted the ad to say "No Agents" grin

grin Bof!

BitOfFun Sun 18-Jul-10 01:47:49
Jamiki Sun 18-Jul-10 01:48:11

I was sitting in my parents lounge room with them both showing holiday photos on their new big screen tv.

And yes up pops (no pun intended) the one photo of DH erect penis jutting out of blue checkered boxers, that took up the whole screen.

After three or four seconds while I tried to work out what it was.. I think I muttered 'What the..' and kept going to complete silence.

How I got over that and through that day I'll not know.

We don't usually engage in such photography, you know the one off laugh, which is how it is soo easily forgotten about.

Note to self 'erase immediately, erase immediately' in future.

I mentioned it to DH who laughed but was no where near as horrified as I was. OMG.

This was less than 12 months ago, am mid thirties with three DCs.

valleyqueen Sun 18-Jul-10 02:00:47

That's so funny I am trying to laugh quietly so not to wake dd. I sound like Mutley.

Aw, I remember seeing the 'no agents' clip on something years ago .

Bof are you me?

BitOfFun Sun 18-Jul-10 02:30:02

<pinches self>

No- you must be me.

Bof, that clip is classic. grin

I thought so, everyone else is me grin

chefswife Sun 18-Jul-10 02:52:44

OMG! I've got tears in my eyes from the laughter. Thanks. Hope mine is as funny, it was certainly audience stopping, even for those who were there and knew me well.

My MIL has an uncanny way of saying the most inappropriate things to anyone and I got it all the time, regardless of company. After many complaints to DH, he said, just say something back to her. One day, in my kitchen, (she is visiting from back east) she says in front of my girlfriends, "I'm surprised that 'DH' stayed with you all those years when you were fat. Just amazes me. You were quite fat, you know." I looked at her, my friends were dumbfounded into silence, and I said, "I suck a good cock, 'MIL'" lol. She looked at me with a look that I have never seen on this woman; she was speechless.

seenyertoeslately Sun 18-Jul-10 03:56:14

Back in the 90s, I was driving my son to the childminder's one day. I saw a big man on a bike approaching on the other side of the road. He pulled out to avoid the parked cars on his side of the road, but he swung out too far and ended up rushing towards me. I screeched to a halt to avoid a collision. He put his foot down to steady himself and I felt it incumbent on me to give him some friendly advice on road use.

I am normally a very shy person but I had been badly frightened. I dropped my window and screeched,

"You want locking up, mate!"

In horror, I realised that I was looking into the famous face of the Archbishop of Canterbury's special envoy, recently released from 4 years' imprisonment as a hostage in the Lebanon.

I am sure that this incident meant nothing to him but I still cringe at what I said after all these years.

deemented Sun 18-Jul-10 06:28:41

OMG I am weeping with laughter at seenyertoeslately 'You want locking up' grin

echt Sun 18-Jul-10 06:38:37

Nothing to add right now, but I've been weeping with laughter at this thread. Psammead's a good one, and the one about the one-armed checkout girl.

prawnstar Sun 18-Jul-10 08:50:29

I have two cringeworthy moments that I can offer...
1. I was at my friends grandfather's funeral, she looked after him til he died at home; I'm a nurse so helped her sometimes. Anyway we were at the Crematorium and it was a beautiful spring day, the best day of the year so far....so I piped up with 'lovely day for a barbecue!' (my friend did see the funny side!)

2. I was at work and on my way to the canteen on my break, I went up the stairs and there was a patient with a broken leg struggling to come down. As I approached them I asked them if they were ok and proceeded to show them how I thought it should be done.... It was at that moment the physio who i hadn't noticed at the top of the stairs interrupted as I was telling her the wrong information....I'm blushing now as I'm writing this blush

Germi - you vomited on a duck <falls over laughing>

wmmc have something to send you, nothing important, just gossipy, but not on CAT. Oh well.

FellatioNelson Sun 18-Jul-10 09:38:02

I am absolutely pissing myself over Jamiki and Chefsgirl.grin

Reminds me of the time my 84 year old lovely Grandpa, God rest his soul, came to my house for the day. We sat him down in front of a nice old classic film that we'd taped off the telly, and halfway through for no reason that I can fathom it cut - to a hard porn film. hmm Never jumped out of my armchair so hard in my life. Luckily he was extremely diplomatic about it as I muttered about not undestanding where it could possibly have come from. shock I genuinely didn't know, to be fair.

OK, have googled the dodgy breast-feeling Obs and Gynae doctor - full face photo as well - ah! the wonders of the internet!

When I first heard of him we were both in London. When he fondled my norks he was in Kent. Now he's a consultant in Ipswich - just up the road from me. The bastard's following me.shock

God help me if I ever need a hysterectomy. He's not touching my tits for that.

Psammead Sun 18-Jul-10 09:39:40

Oh God, I just remembered another one which I think I repressed out of sheer hideousness.

I was at a garage in my home town. The garage was literally just across the street from my old school.

Anyway, I saw an old school acquaintance working there as a mechanic and we had a bit of a chat. He asked me what I was doing now, and I replied that I was doing my master's degree blah blah - and then I said to him 'and how about you? You haven't come very far have you?'

cringecringecringecringecringe

I meant geographically!! As in only across the road from our old school! Not as in 'you haven't done much with your life, have you?'

I didn't even realise what I'd said until I left. I wondered why he'd given me a funny look and got back on with his work - we'd be getting on quite well up until that point!

FellatioNelson Sun 18-Jul-10 10:25:37

Oh dear God]

Look at what I have just done. At the end of the thread.shockblush

Psammead Sun 18-Jul-10 10:44:27

OMG! Classic :D That's soooo random on that thread!

FellatioNelson Sun 18-Jul-10 10:49:18

and they just won't get the BBQ reference either.confused I'm a shambles, really I am.

Psammead Sun 18-Jul-10 10:50:22

Or the archbishop's envoy!

And as for the willy! That's made me cry laughing.

legspinner Sun 18-Jul-10 10:54:49

grin
priceless
<lurker dredging up dodgy stories>

Thomcat Sun 18-Jul-10 10:55:12

Oh god, I'm not going to have to tell the story where I copied that guys voice my DH was introducing me to and he had a tracheocotomy am I?!

legspinner Sun 18-Jul-10 10:57:14

oops, that didn't come out right, I meant trying to dredge up mine to put on this thread!
The archbish'e envoy one has made me fall off the sofa, along with the father-son BJ mixup...

Psammead Sun 18-Jul-10 11:17:16

Oh, another one I had repressed:

As a teen I helped run a kind of youth club. The other person in charge was quite a bit older and I had a huge crush on him. One day I had to phone him with an important message about a delivery, so I did but ended up with his answering machine. I wasn't really used to using them (it was some time ago) so I just hung up.

A few mins later, however, I thought that maybe I ought to just leave a message and be done with it, so I phoned again. Just as the machine kicked in, my cat walked into the hallway, so I spent a few seconds talking to it, in a schmoozy schmoozy voice, saying something along the lines of 'oh hello gorgeous! You lovely creature you! Oh, come here you lovely thing let me stroke you, mwah mwah mwah'. I stopped in time for the beep - and then realised it wasn't the answering machine at all, but rather my crush had picked up this time. I hung up the phone in panic.

I was all shaky and embarrassed, and could feel the heat rising up my chest, you know? But I felt like I had to explain - so I phoned again and he picked up with a cautious 'hello?'. I blurted out something at a hundred miles an hour, like 'Sorry, it's me, Psammead, it was me just now, too, only I thought you were my cat. Well, I didn't actually, but I thought I was talking to my cat. No, actually that's still not right - I was talking to my cat and didn't realise I had phoned you. Well, I did, but anyway, that delivery we were expected on Thursday is actually coming on Wednesday. Ok? Bye!'

<hangs head in shame>

seenyertoeslately Sun 18-Jul-10 11:17:20

Fellatio What's made me laugh the most out of all this, is after your strange interruption of the other thread, with all its weird and picturesque images, someone has just added that they would wear navy and silver accessories.

It's brought tears to my eyes.

FellatioNelson Sun 18-Jul-10 11:19:56

Me too.shock did she not bat an eyelid?[CONFUSED]

FellatioNelson Sun 18-Jul-10 11:22:02

snort at Psammead!

deemented Sun 18-Jul-10 11:25:19

OMG Fellatio i'm crying with laughter here, so much so that dd's just stroked the siide of my face and said 'Ya ok, meme?'

<<snort>>

Psammead Sun 18-Jul-10 11:26:14

See, that's why it's called style and beauty. The MNers in there don't bat a perfectly mascaraed eyelash at vulgar intrusions!

ThatDamnDog Sun 18-Jul-10 12:08:35

Do it Thomcat, I've heard it before but it's definitely worth another outing grin

Fellatio, I think I'd like to know you in RL

Thought of a couple more that are probably nowhere nearly amusing as vomiting on a duck...

Working on a building site as site secretary, walking across the courtyard that hadn't been finished, tripped over a stone and fell flat on my face cue 300+ builders applauding me..... blush

As a uni student (and after a night out) I pulled this lovely quiet guy and took him to my room.... we were chatting and kissing when all of a sudden I vomited all over his arms and hands.... I was sooo drunk I thought it was hilarious while he was running round in shock and looking a bit green.....

I do agree though that if you are going to say something inappropriate and interrupt a thread you should be wearing a navy rimmed hat

Bellapig Sun 18-Jul-10 12:22:27

I went to a poetry reading group once where we were all sitting around a room in a circle and people took turns to read their favorites. At one point I felt an almighty sneeze coming on. I lunged for a tissue in my handbag so I could avoid spraying snot over everyone and pulled it out. Out with it came a tampon, which rolled across the floor and stopped right in the middle of the circle of people. Everyone stopped talking and stared at it. A trapdoor would have been handy.

seenyertoeslately Sun 18-Jul-10 12:30:09

'Everyone stopped talking and stared at it.'

My face is starting to hurt from laughing so much.

Condensedmilkaddict Sun 18-Jul-10 13:54:32

I am hysterical at this thread.

I have blocked most of mine out, but a nasty one that remains is when we went to church after I'd had DD.

Lots of oldies at our church - so people were coming over to cluck over her, we had communion, money collection etc

I thought it went well. DD scarcely made a peep. Until afterwards when I noticed the maxi maxi maternity pad that was sitting in the aisle beside me.

Right in the middle. You'd think someone would have kicked it away wouldn't you?

withorwithoutyou Sun 18-Jul-10 14:23:24

I had been suffering with a sore neck and carried deep heat spray in my bag for when it got really painful at work.

Sitting at my desk in a packed office, our Director was visiting our office that day and was sitting opposite me - he was very senior and always made me nervous.

Reached into my bag for a surreptitious spray of Deep Heat - I would normally use it in the toilets but I was really busy that day and didn't have time to go to the toilet before my meeting.

What I actually pulled out was my rape alarm - sprayed it and it emitted a really high pitched squeal directly into my ear. I screamed and threw the spary at the Director.

blush blush

PixieOnaLeaf Sun 18-Jul-10 14:30:22

Message withdrawn

Ilovemydog - I am on CAT - but you can email me via postmaster@spuriousbittobeatspamwoodwormmusic.com

Undertone Sun 18-Jul-10 15:00:47

What IS it with tampons and other sanitary products just seemingly LEAPING out at every opportunity? Are they sentient beings with a collective sense of really dark humour?

I was in WH Smith's a few months ago after having queued for quite a long time. In a huff I plonked my books and copy of grazia on the counter and immediately whipped out my wallet to be ready to pay.

After a little while as the sales assistant was fannying about packing the items etc - a good 30 seconds I'd say - I looked down and realised that an old tampon which had become unwrapped and grubby at the bottom of my handbag had attached itself to the zip of my wallet. It was proudly on display for all to see - especially to all the people in the queue behind me. In the haste to jam it back into my handbag I dropped it on to the floor.

I don't know why the fact it was a bit grubby makes it worse, but it does.

MinnieMummy Sun 18-Jul-10 15:59:59

Can this go into classics please??

Me too Undertone - when I lived in London I had a job as a rep, with an expense account, so when we'd had a night out getting pissed teambuilding, it was perfectly acceptable to claim for the £15 taxi fare home. (Oh happy days, except for the fact I wasn't v good at sales. At all, if memory serves. Anyway..)

So one night we'd been particularly egregious and gone to one of those swanky sleb restauraunts and claimed for the meal, of course. In the taxi home I was phoning another rep to boast, got home, still chatting, taxi driver says loudly 'You left something on the seat.' Yep, there sitting proudly is the ubiquitous slightly grubby tampon.

Someone please come up with a non-tampon related one!

MinnieMummy Sun 18-Jul-10 16:09:23

Oh I've just remembered one.. <cringe>

One birthday we went out to a club and a friend from school came along, who hadn't met one of my work mates before. So, in the style of Bridget Jones ('introduce people with an interesting fact about them') I duly said 'X, this is Y, I don't think you've met before. Y took it up the arse at uni. Y, this is X, she gave her boyfriend a blowjob while he was driving on the motorway.'

And then staggered walked off, introductions done. I have absolutely NO idea why I felt the need to say that. blush blush blush

LutyensCBA Sun 18-Jul-10 16:11:03

This thread needs to be in Mumsnet Classics!
How do you nominate it?

You have to report it with 'please can this go in classics' using the 'report' button to the right of your name

LutyensCBA Sun 18-Jul-10 16:20:26

I still cringe when I remember this..

I was 21 and in my first proper job, and off to my first proper meeting in my boss' car. On the way, he starts talking about how he needs a new car as this one is too small; when he pulls the passenger seat ahead so there's enough room for his child's legs it gets too cramped for his wife. He said that she can barely stretch her legs. I wanted to say that short-arse me never has the problem of cramped legs, but came out with "It doesn't take much for me to spread my legs." He just looked at me like this shock till I realised what I'd said and started explaining desperately! I was known in that office as the "girl who spread her legs" till I left a year later! blush

KickButtowski Sun 18-Jul-10 16:46:10

SIL is from South America but English is mostly excellent...

Brother and SIL described to us a recent dinner party in great detail next time we met up, all lovely, but the pudding was bollocks according to my bro.

Several months later they came back from a meal, SIL almost in tears and bro definitely crying with laughter.

Waiter had come to take dessert order, and poor SIL had confidently said "I cannot see it on your menu, but I really love bollocks, do you serve them?"

As waiter and the rest of the table were left totally silent, poor SIL perservered "you know, with lots of cream and maybe some chocolate sauce to be a bit naughty"

By this point everyone was giggling but still not really sure what she was talking about, and she became more and more agitated shouting at my brother "why are you laughing, what is so funny, you know I like bollocks, what is the joke?"

Seriously, I don't know how they are still married. It is one of his favourite stories to tell everyone they meet.

FellatioNelson Sun 18-Jul-10 16:49:26

Aah, sorry girls but I have another tampon one for you. ~We once had a house that had an en-suite shower room, but no 2nd loo in there, because it was too far away from the wastepipe and it was too expensive to dig up the front of the house and fit another one. Someone told me about the wonder that is SaniFlo, with its built in macerating machine that basically chops up your poo and all the loo roll and sends it up a pressurised chute, and spirits it all away to I know not where.hmm

Anyway, so we fitted one, and I was told QUITE CLEARLY that the one big no-no was putting tampons down it. Anyway, I won't bore you with what I did about three weeks later, blush but I had to keep a perfectly straight/innocent face when the poor 'Shit Blockage Removal Operative' came to solve my immediate messy problem. After sifting the contents of the mangled unit and baling out the loo shock he shook his head, and made several noises (of the sighing with exasperation variety), and said 'Madam, did no-one tell you you must not put sanitary products into your Saniflo system?' I then LIED through my teeth and pretended that we'd had friends to stay and they must have done it. He didn't buy me for a second, but was too polite to say so.

Actually, no I come to think of it, another cracker of a Shit/Tampon/Condom story is coming to me. shock Will save it for later.

aspiegal Sun 18-Jul-10 16:56:14

I can only think of one bad gaffe i made and luckily only my best friend was there!
Her mum had started to be a cover supervisor at school and she was not happy at the thought of being taught by her mum. I thought it would be quite fun, if just to see her squirm, and replied "no, it would be well cool to be covered by your mum" grin (and I'm sure the fact that she was still digesting the news that i was gay didn't help matters)
I still remember the look she gave me now... oh the shame. I couldn't look her mum in the face when a few days later i went round for tea!

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 18-Jul-10 16:58:21

Thanks for all the nominations, we've added this to classics and amended the embarrassing typo in the title grin

FellatioNelson Sun 18-Jul-10 17:02:32

Yay! I've got a thred in classics!

WHAT embarrassing typo? What did I do?confused

aspiegal Sun 18-Jul-10 17:02:49

Oh, and whoever said orgasmanism in bio, another friend did similar way back in year 8 I think it was.

Her: It's an orgasm (she meant organism)
All girls class: Hahahahahaaaaaaa
Male Teacher: (nervous laugh and red face)
Her: What?..oh I said it wrong...What's an orgasm?
Class: (laughing even harder)
Teacher: Well, an orgasm is when..

and he explained, by the end she was so red it was unbelievable and most of the rest of us were nearly on the floor we were laughing so hard grin

FellatioNelson Sun 18-Jul-10 17:04:56

thread I mean.blush GET ME AN EDIT BUTTON (stamps foot in manner of cross child)

BitOfFun Sun 18-Jul-10 17:22:21

Hurrah! Thanks Olivia smile

Tiredmumno1 Sun 18-Jul-10 17:25:36

This thread has made me laugh so much, it is fab.

i need to hear more grin

Tiredmumno1 Sun 18-Jul-10 17:32:51

we should start a Mumsnet Comedy Roadshow grin

PortBlacksand Sun 18-Jul-10 17:51:33

The Fanjo Diatribes....

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 18-Jul-10 17:53:52

Ahem, it was embassassing in the thread title.
I have amended. grin
<Please note I am NOT sharing my "I want the world to swallow me up" mortifications as there are too many to mention and I am very busy important don't you know?wink>

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 18-Jul-10 18:03:26

the Fanjo Diatribes are what happens in this house when I am annoyed at DH grin

PixieOnaLeaf Sun 18-Jul-10 18:06:03

Message withdrawn

mrswill Sun 18-Jul-10 18:19:01

God, I love that bollocks story - a bit of chocolate sauce on the side, snort!

I have loads Ive probably forgotten, but one stands out.

After using my uni years dedicated to upping my vodka tolerance level, to my surprise I managed to get into a sought after postgraduate course. I turned up at the first lecture meet type of thing, looking around all the other students were very stiff and earnest and didnt look like very much fun. My suspicions continued to be confirmed throughout the day, and I started to have an inner dialogue with myself whenever anyone said anything vaguely arse kissy to the course leaders, like - yeah bollocks etc etc, that sort of thing. Anyway, one of the blokes there was boasting about his work experience in a particular city no one had heard of, and the lecturer asked 'Now where would that be??'. For some inexplicable reason I opened my mouth and answered - 'Up my arse'. It just came out.

Im cringing now as I type. The shocked looks off course leaders and students, I will take to my grave!

totallybonkers Sun 18-Jul-10 18:30:05

Dh just reminded me of one, we were moving house and my PIL were helping as they had a van.
my MIL took it upon herself to go and pack our bedroom, after consideralble amount of time she came down and said 'All your clothes and sheets and stuff are in suitcases, oh and your a-hem bedroom electricals are in that box there' yes she had found the vabrators and cock ring!

FellatioNelson Sun 18-Jul-10 18:40:19

Hurrumph.angry Mumsnet Towers has obviously never come across the word embassassing.

Loud snort @ mrswill and totallybonkers. will someone please tell me how to put my snorts etc., into the commonly accepted pointy brackets please? I can't find them on my keyboard. blush Do I have an Aldi level keyboard instead of a Waitrose one?confused

pixiestix Sun 18-Jul-10 19:05:44

FN, on my keyboard they are above the comma and the fullstop.

Not me, but by mother who, one particularly cold winters day greeted our local funeral director with "Hello. Gosh, isn't it freezing today? Still. Must be good for business!"

Why???! Why would anyone say that????
shock

QOD Sun 18-Jul-10 19:58:51

withorwithoutyou I have just pee'd a little laughing!

FellatioNelson Sun 18-Jul-10 20:12:32

So they are Pixie. You do not want to know how many hours I have spent looking for those.blush Thank you.

KickButtowski Sun 18-Jul-10 20:40:51

On a long coach journey, dh sitting in the aisle seat next to me decided to have a drink from a 2 litre bottle he had brought a long for the day. (yeah, classy I know)

Unfortunately it exploded as he opened it, spraying all over himself, me and the people across the aisle alongside, in front and behind. That's not the funny bit.

In shock and panic dh had the superb idea for how to remedy the situation. Put the lid back on? Oh no, he put his mouth over the top of the bottle, sort of nodding his head and grunting in a kind of "it's ok, it's under control" way which also looked a bit like he was giving the bottle a BJ.

As I watched in disbelief and wonder as to what would happen next, I saw his eyes begin to water and his cheeks begin to fill out until finally the pressure was too much and he spat the whole lot out all over the same people who were sat watching him.

And nobody said a word.

Staying with BF (now DH) in the early days of our relationship, took the obligatory electric toothbrush, deoderant etc. At the same time I was selling my house and went to the estate agent taking my overnight things as I was the way to BFs house afterwards, half way through the meeting with the estate agent I hear a buzzing sound coming from my bag - as does everyone else in the agency on a busy Saturday morning! Realising that it sounds suspiciously like I have a vibrator in my bag I frantically fumble around desperately trying to switch it off instead I change the settings and it buzzes louder and faster blush Cue shocked look on the agents face and me trying to explain that I have a toothbrush in my bag.

I have never been as mortified... apart from the time I accidently told a consultant that his patients must be used to little pricks...

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamasmissionimpossible Sun 18-Jul-10 21:23:37

I had an embarrassing situation happen to me last week. I went to a friends house and we got talking about the kite displays that we had been to see last weekend. The trouble was I got my words mixed up and instead of saying stunt kite I said ,<cringe>...'cunt stike' I was so embarrassed, especially as our 2 year old dc's were playing near when I said it. blush

pucca Sun 18-Jul-10 21:43:04

My ds went for an induction type thing at a local nursery to see if he liked it, I was invited to stay too. I sat down at one of the kids table which happened to have play dough on with various baking trays etc.

A little boy came up to me and asked me to show him how to roll the play dough into a ball, i used both my hands and made a ball and said "like this, using 2 hands" the little boy replied "but i can't do that" only then did i notice that he had an artificial arm. blush

Only the other day this happened....
I bought ds one of those alien things in slime, he played with it on the table, got it everywhere so it went in the bin.

The following day i had to go and chat with the Head Teacher, and i went to Morrisons and Argos...only when i got home did i notice that i had stuck on my shoulder what resembled a greeny! ds had stuck some slime on my coat!

pucca Sun 18-Jul-10 21:50:12

Another one..me and a friend aged about 7 or 8, we found her mums vibrator and waltzed across the road to my mum to ask what it was...the answer? a ear cleaner lmao...we accepted this answer and went and put it back.

God knows how my mum kept a straight face!

EddieIzzardismyhero Sun 18-Jul-10 22:30:21

These are very good grin - will add one of my own!

On a uni trip to Germany, and a bunch of us young students (we were about 19/20yrs old at the time) got talking to some mature students who were studying at our uni too but who we didn't know very well. One of them in particular was asking lots of questions about hobbies/likes/dislikes, etc and discovered that amongst our group there was a keen photographer, a singer, a song writer and a guitarist.

"Wow, you're a talented bunch" he said and turned to me, "Eddie, do you have any special talents?" I hesitated and then replied, "no special talents, but I'm a damn good fuck"!!!!! shock shock shock

Everyone went completely quiet and just stared at me blush. I wasn't even drunk and have no idea why I said it! The poor guy looked mortified!

Just as a footnote, one of the other students who was there is now my husband, so maybe it wasn't far from the truth wink grin.

Brilliant thread. Have been laughing my arse off.

Not as good as some on here but heres mine:

Was having a really rough time of it about a year and a half ago. Best friend/ cousin decided to treat me for a night away down the country, booked a hotel, had a treatment, went for dinner and then out on the town.

Met a stag night from the UK (we're in Ireland), lovely guys - she hit it off with one, Im married and they were all so lovely to me, made me "honory stag member". Anyway, spent the whole night out with them. I bumped into old friends I knew from years ago and split up (stupid, I know) with cousin as she was with this guy.

I went back to our hotel room and they both were there, I fell (drunk) into single bed and they were in double. they didnt have sex but slept in the same bed. She was really embarrased next morning and completely ushered him out of room, he stood awkardly at the door for a min, think he was trying to get courage to ask for her number but she hurried him along.

Anyway, she regretted it later and (probably still a little drunk) decided to email his hotel, it read:

Dear xxxx hotel,
I would greatly appreciate it if you could please forward the following message to one of your guests. His name is Richard. I do not know his second name. He is on a stag do. One of his friends name is James and James is getting married to a girl called Sarah.

Richard, I really enjoyed last night. Im sorry for the way I behaved this morning. If you would like to give me a call my number is xxxxxx.

Kindest Regards
xxxxxx

PML... I would have loved to see the staff at the hotel reading that one. She was mortified as soon as she sent it.

I also walked through my entire office one day, met loads of men on the way and was very smug/ disgusted at how pervy they all were - staring at me. Stopped to talk to very cute male colleage who looked very embarrased outside toilet. Went to toilet, walked all the way back up when female burst out laughing and pointed out how the split on my skirt had ripped all the way up to my waist band and my thong ridden arse was hanging out....

Loving these

Lexilicious Sun 18-Jul-10 22:40:41

aged 16, I was on an orchestra/choir trip to our twinned school in Germany, in late August which was just at the start of the Scottish school year. I was lead cellist which meant I was at the front of the stage closest in to the conductor.

On this trip was a boy who could. not. sing. for. toffee. but was really very sweet and (it later transpired) had joined the choir in his final year of school so that he'd get on the list to go on the trip, ie by the time we went, he was about to start medical school [swoon]. And therefore getting on the trip to go to Germany with me was at least an 8 month project for him.

In the final concert the second half was the choir which we were both in but for the first half orchestra bit he sat in the second to front row about as close to me as you can get. At the end of the piece when we stood up for the really keen German parents clapping, he was grinning at me. (It was only at this point in the whole trip it was starting to dawn on me that he liked me).

So I took a very slow, gracious, soloist type of bow. Even as I started to bend forward I was thinking 'no! no! don't do it!' but I was committed... and stood back upright.. slowly, smiling inanely serenely. I think I got away with it had nice friends who never mentioned it.

Have another one - my cousin again - just to add a disclaimer that she is not homophobic, just a tool.

At a big family party, 2nd cousin is gay and brought his gorgeous long term partner, I get on really well with him (partner) and was sitting with him for ages giggling etc.. I got up to talk to someone else, leaving him and cousin on their own at same table. Cousin said she doesnt know what she was thinking, silence was deafing after I left with all my chatting, she couldnt think of anything to say and eventually just turned around and said "so, how do you's do it?"

....................................

Oh dear..

FellatioNelson Mon 19-Jul-10 08:36:09

When my middle son was about 3 we went out for lunch in a little local cafe/coffee shop. A family came in and sat a couple tables away from us, with a VERY VERY overweight Dad. So overweight that I'm surprised he was out of the house and upright TBH.

Anyway, despite being kicked under the table and glared at, and despite my desperate attempts to distract him and shut him up, my son talked very loudly about how fat the man was, and stared very obviously, and wouldn't stop, until poor DH was forced to abandon his food and take the child outside, (to whip himwink) whilst the rest of us gulped our food as quickly as we could then made a hasty exit.blush

sneezecake Mon 19-Jul-10 09:29:20

when I was about 10 or so we had a yorkshire terrier, lovely dog but very yappy, and HATED the postman/lady.
anyway she was so little she could squeeze through the bars in the gate so we had to watch her when we put her outside.
one morning I was the first one up so put her out for a wee, and put my toast under the grill. was watching her for ages and toast started to burn so went to attend.
next thing I know I hear a very familliar yapping, so went to investigate, yes I was our dog chasing after the post lady. In total panic (and still in my very tatty nighty) I go chasing after her, shouting 'oi leave my dog alone' when it was quite clear that the dog was having a go at her not the other way round!

FellatioNelson Mon 19-Jul-10 09:40:32

On one of the very few occasions that I took my dog to the school gate to collect DCs, he cocked his leg and wee'ed all some poor man's suede shoes and trousers.shock

Toffeefudgecake Mon 19-Jul-10 10:17:42

DH was talking to my mum. Her sister had been diagnosed with cancer (thankfully, she recovered) and we were all very concerned about her. DH meant to ask about the sister's blood count, but what came out was, "So, how's her cunt?"

The look on my mum's face was priceless.

The funny thing was that no matter how many times my flustered DH repeated, "No, no I meant count!" it still sounded like cunt.

bunkers Mon 19-Jul-10 12:48:59

Age 14 and living in Paris. Got myself a frech boyfriend who was a few years older than me, so of course I wanted to show how grown up I was. We went out for a meal and to the cinema with one of his friends. After the meal they had a smoke. Offered me one. Of course I couldn't say no - didn't want to look uncool hmm. Dragged away on my Marlborough Red. Wasn't used to smoking. Pulled a whitey and had to leg it to the loos to vomit. Was in there for ages trying to get my head together. They must have known something was up blush.

Then off to the cinema we go. In the queue for tickets. More cigarettes offered. Did I turn it down? Nope. Puffed away again. Then sitting in the cinema, uh oh. I turned away, hand over mouth, managed not to spray the row in front with vomit, but swallowed it back down instead. blush

Next one. While backpacking round Australia my mates persuaded me to enter a wet t-shirt competition. That in itself is embarassing enough, however when it was my turn to go on stage I decided to keep my high heeled shoes on, slipped on the water and ice all over the floor, fell flat on my face in front of the whole crowd.

But did I retreat to lick my wounds? Oh no, I made it through to the next round. So back on stage I went and...yep, fell over again. blush blush These weren't delicate little slip ups either. I smacked my face on the ground, had massive bruise all down my cheek.

A few years on. DP and I get on flight from Perth to Sydney, a bit worse for wear from a boozy last night of our holiday. We'd been campervaning around the west coast, and for some reason decided to keep an open box of washing powder in our hand luggage. Said box gets put in overhead locker along with some magazines. Before flight takes off I ask DP to get a magazine down. He's rummaging around and, in his hungover state, doesn't realise that he's knocked over the box of powder, which is now raining down on the man sitting in front of us. For some reason I just sat there unable to speak, watching this poor man getting covered in washing powder. He then realised what was happening. Tried to brush as much of the powder off as possible, but it was all down his neck, in his hair... He had to sit for the entire flight (six hours shock) like that. There was powder all over the floor in the aisle. The flight attendants had to get a vacuum to clean it up, which delayed the flight blush blush blush.

We couldn't apologise enough, but the man was so gracious and did not get arsey at all, which just made it even more blush.

I've done so many embarassing things. Mostly involving alcohol in some way. Things have been much calmer since becoming a parent and not going out on benders any more hmm.

I have a very good male friend who was a bit of a player. In his younger days he was out clubbing, bumped into a school mate he hadn't seen for several years, was chatting with him for a few minutes - school mate was standing next to a girl who was a bit on the larger side...

Anyway, my mate turns to the guy and says "Right, dump the fat bird, let's go pull some real women"..

Yes, you know what happened.

The mate said "that fat bird happens to be my wife" shock

One of my most mortifying events was really orchestrated by ds who at the time was just over 3. We were at senior workmates of dh's for a bbq, he was new to the job and was a chance to get to know them better. Ds needs to go to the toilet and is gone an awfully long time. Knowing that he is still fairly new to the toileting thing and that he is probably doing number 2's due to how long he is taking and therefore may need help, i knock on the door and ask does he need help. a rather panicky little voice pipes up "don't come in mummy!" Alarm bells start to ring as this is ds code for bad news. After much persuasion he lets me in and I discover the source of his panic. There are about a dozen empty open boxes of tampons scattered about and somewhat of a flood which is cascading from the toilet with sodden tampons floating forlornly around the bowl. What did you do?" It was actually blatently obvious what he had done and I could now see brown floaties interpersed amongst the tampons. Ds had seen the pretty boxes and decided they must be presents and had therefore opened them. He had unwrapped them all before deciding they must be little cylinders of loo paper and had used them as such, he had then tryed to flush!!! I scrambled desperately for how to handle the situation as the water, poos and soogy tampons lapped at my feet. I did what any self respecting person would, bundled ds out of there, grabbed dh and ran!!! Dh changed jobs soon after but if you read this and it was your toilet I am truely, deeply sorry.

arggh the memory has been magnified in my mind it was 1/2 dozen empty packets not a dozen not that it made the situation any better

Summerfruit Tue 20-Jul-10 17:26:12

Something happened to me yesterday evening in the middle of a row with dh. I wanted to calm down with a lovely deserved glass of wine so went into the garden. I sat on one of the garden chair and the bloody thing broke underneath me and I got stuck into the frame, my arse was actually touching the ground. I couldnt get out by myself, I had to ask dh to help me, you should have seen the grin he had grin

cupofcoffee Tue 20-Jul-10 18:18:26

I had a similar cafe experience to FellatioNelson. When my ds was 3 we went to a small place to eat and in came a chubby man dressed in a black suit and hat. ds stood up, pointed and shrieked with delight "Look mummy it's the fat controller". Me looking the other way and saying shhh but he just kept getting louder, "but look mummy the fat controller is here". Man just looked down at the table.

KickButtowski Tue 20-Jul-10 20:18:34

Have just remembered another one featuring my brother and my poor SIL. They decided to host a BBQ for friends and SIL's work colleagues and brother and nephew aged 5 were on best behaviour.

That is until nephew decided to mingle:

NEPHEW: Are you X?
X: yes I am
NEPHEW: does mummy work for you?
X: yes she does
NEPHEW: why are you an idiot?
X: pardon?
NEPHEW: why are you an idiot? my daddy says you are an idiot and mummy should ignore you
BROTHER: shush, let's go and play
NEPHEW: daddy, why did you say X is an idiot?
BROTHER: shush shush Of course daddy didn't say that
NEPHEW: yes you did, you always say that aaaaaaaaaagh (as he was bundled out of the room)

lemonysweet Tue 20-Jul-10 22:50:06

okay.

you all know DH's being sick on the goldfish story.
but there's more animal madness.

one, when my twin DD's were about, i took them to our local pet shop, run at the time by the loveliest couple who let all the local kids traumatise stroke the animals. on this occassion the DD's were enamoured by the fluffy bunnies and the very small fluffy bunnies, some pygmy breed or something. anyway, after about an hour of petting, being spoilt rotten by the elderly shop owners, and general kiddy heaven, we drove home and ate dinner and got ready for bed. DD's were giggly, but not unusually so.
at bedtime, they got into the same bed and called me in for the usual story among their mountain of stuffed animals.
i started reading them a story when suddenly this rabbit LEAPT out of nowhere and landed on the bed.
they had stolen a rabbit.
actually, i tell a lie, they had stolen two rabbits, so 'she didnt get lonely' the other one was DD's rucksack, nibbling on a bit of hay/straw that DD had apparently had the kindness of heart to pop in.
can you imagine having to explain to a very lovely short sighted old couple that the wonderful little girls they had given cake and chatted to for an hour the previous day were BUNNY STEALERS?
<cries>
noone ever believes me when i tell them this story either, they cant believe i could be such an inattentive mother not to notice two live animals being kidnapped under my nose.

once, at uni, me and my other friend were sitting in the hallway after an afternoon of celebrating finishing our exams, rather tipsy, and we started discussing our flatmates rather gorgeous dad [he had her when he was 17 AND he was italian. oh shallow minds]
after a lengthy speculation on how long his 'italian sausage' would be i got up to go to the kitchen to get more booze, passing said flatmates open doorway as i did so and catching the eye of her dad and her entire family who'd been listening to every word...

thumbwitch Wed 21-Jul-10 00:24:02

Heh heh lemony - that's very funny.grin

Did you take the bunnies back or pay for your DDs to keep them? I can fully believe that, if they had a rucksack on them, it would be easy to pop two pygmy bunnies in without you noticing. They must have been marvellously good tempered though!

Mention of Ray Davies reminds me of one that happened to a friend of a friend...

He was working for an estate agent and was sent out to value a property. As he was shown around the various rooms taking notes he seemed to be getting on well with the owner. He noticed that there were a lot of Kinks photographs, albums, etc., on display, so he said "So, are you a fan of the Kinks, then, Ray?"

[thud]

Cheryllou Thu 22-Jul-10 15:20:55

Arriving in a downpour, I told my (now) father-in-law that I was 'wetter than an otter's pocket'. He wisely said nothing, although I'm sure he thinks I'm a right knob.

And my poor friend at work is still flushed having been overheard asking the snacks delivery man if he would like her to 'hold his minstrels'...

helengi Thu 22-Jul-10 15:38:17

Oh yours was funny alright. Really funny!

pmsl at oi leave my dog alone i actually can't type

kirriemummy Thu 22-Jul-10 17:16:30

I have verbal diarrhea.

When I was about 15 I asked my 85 year old aunt, who has never even been kissed by a man, and about as straight laced as they come, whether she had ever considered getting her nipple pierced. WHY??? She didn't speak to me again.

After the birth of my daughter, she was in the neo natal unit overnight. I went to feed her first thing in the morning and she was fine - we discovererd she coould come back to the ward with me. Very grateful to all of the staff, I asked my husband in a loud, sleep deprived voice if he could remember to thank all of the wonderful paedophiles for me. Paediatricians, I meant paediatricians.

I was at a party with a legal company who were bidding for some work with the company I worked for, and instead of the normal small talk which normally functioning people manage on such occasions, I somehow managed to end up discussing in some detail how I fancied nazis. I don't - I thought Tom Cruise was kind of hot in Valkyrie, probably because of the uniform, and anyway he was a good nazi........well you can see how the conversation took a turn down the cul de sac called massively inapropriate things to talk about with posh lawyers at cocktail parties but could I stop talking and explaining my supposed predeliction for the third reich? could I manage to change the subject? Could I hell. I carried on, to increasingly shocked silence, for a good 10 minutes. It sill keeps me awake at night. I really don't fancy Nazis.

bearcrumble Thu 22-Jul-10 17:28:47

I had the same boyfriend for years on and off in my late teens-early 20s and he had quite a mad Polish family on his mum's side.

We went to a restaurant with his scary Polish granny and I couldn't think of anything to say to her. I noticed that she had lots of beautiful rings on her fingers and I wanted to draw her attention to my beautiful diamond ring that I had inherited from my grandmother.

To introduce the topic I said very loudly "Oh yes, my gran died recently".

Everyone stared at me and I didn't say anything else for a good while.

Two days later his gran dropped dead.

I hope I didn't put the idea into her head.

lemonysweet Fri 23-Jul-10 00:24:17

thumbwitch i took the bunnies back.
twin girls is enough without twin rabbits.
the old couple were so lovely and understanding as well.

i have raised monsters.

OhWesternWind Fri 23-Jul-10 09:38:21

I was in Sainsbury's with ds age 2 sitting in the trolley. We were in a particularly crowded bit near the potatoes when he decided to ask me "Mummy, do you like willies?". "Well, they're alright", sez I, very cool and composed.

He also went through a phase of rhyming words, sometimes with interesting results. The most memorable by far was the classic phrase, trotted out with great sincerity on regular occasions (notably to his 75 year old grandmother) "Thank you wank you".

HinnyPet Fri 23-Jul-10 23:15:58

Dd was about 2 when she started pointing at things and shouting their name.

There's a big church nearby that she pointed at shouting "cock! cock! Mummy! Look at the big huge cock mummy!"

She meant the clock....

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 28-Jul-10 15:30:26

PMSL @ "wanking rating"

vivali Wed 28-Jul-10 18:25:21

While working in a bar years ago when i was a student I was busily trying to get on with the night serving bar food, and being heckled regularly by a group of young business men types who thought they were hilarious. they eventually ordered, chicken wings, potato skins and the like. Anyway, when I came to serve the order,no one was acknowledging me standing there with armsfull of plates; cue me shouting loudly "four skins?" to the assembled busy bar blushand for some reason, didn't place the correct emphasis.........

zoelikesjam Fri 06-Aug-10 01:17:35

FUCK A DUCK I have LOADS!!!!!!!!!!! Didn't think i had any when i started reading the thread but they've all come back to me in horrid glory! i FACKING hate you lot for reminding me of the 11 most horendous moments of my life!!!!!!!!!!

NUMBER 1 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - totallybonkers-We had the same with my MIL...but opposite...moved house and they helped us move, MIL and my step mum were upstairs shifting boxes, (and obviously decided to unload them) when MIL came down holding some lovely chunky(CLEAN!) anal beads...OMG!!!!!! MIL shouts(whilst waving them)

'mr likesjam not good enough for you then?'

I Died a little right there and then...cus she said it in front of my daddy and FIL whilst waving offending object!

NUMBER 2 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - hedgehogshoghedges-I seriously need to get an eye check...I read that as

'So I bought some hair removal cream, got out a hand mirror so I can see my (wild) pubes around my *bum* and sat on the bed, legs akimbo to apply it'

NUMBER 3 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - sex/neighbours incident- Just moved into new house...met new neighbours, seem lovely however im in the honeymoon period with now husband.....fucking him like no tomorrow...didnt realise id left windows open(boiling hot summer night!) Next day one of the neighbours knocks my door, very sheepish and red faced says

'most of the street listened to you shagging last night and we'd appriciate it if A. you shut your bloody windows and B you didnt make so much noise, your like a banshee wailing! ~Please will you keep it down as we are all single women and a little bit jelous!'

OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

NUMBER 4 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - Darling son has a speach problem even at 5years old...outside school waving a huge stick round infront of everyone(including his head teacher who is a sodding hottie grrr...MMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm) he proceeded to yell

'mommy mommy, look at my humoungous *DICK*(OOOOH yes the little fucker can say humongous perfectly but not fucking STICK???) ...then ten seconds later told his teacher he was going to be a fire man and drive a fire fuck(cant say truck! wounldn't be a problem but...dot dot dot)...

'and mommy's uncle had a huge fire fuck and I watched the whole thing the other day.....blush(my uncle is a fireman btw!!!)

NUMBER 5 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - My lovely pissed sister who has no morals...on my hen do we come across a stag do. The stag is handcuffed to a midget dressed as a smurf.
Outside club having a doobi(ciggi) My sister proceeds to ask said little person if...

A. his cock is in proportion to the rest of his body

and

B. if she should be politically correct and...
call him a midget,little person or a dwarf...

I wanted the ground to open up! Thankfully he thought my sister was HIL-fucking-ARIOUS and she now knows the correct terms to address a DWARF(thats the right term 'parently)

NUMBER 6 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - Was just walking in to MacDonalds when DD walked upto an overwieght women and stated

'you should be on a diet not stuffing your face with mccies...your way to fat to eat burgers'
To which said women scarpered and i died a little more....

NUMBER 7 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - I had my beautiful show stopper rabbit manage to effin escape and at 7am was chasing her in my jama's on the green outside our house in full view of neighbours...only to realise my jamas are silky/lace and uterly see through

NUMBER 8 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - Had my first and only splif on a date! First EVER date with exoh and he rolled a splif on midday walking round a local town. I was mortified(led a sheltered life and a good girl me!) he would be told off but wanted to impress so bolshy,

'yea i've smoked before give it here'

Comes outta my mouth......i pulled a whitey on the PAVEMENT outside the chippy....EXOH never let me lkive it down and still thiniks its hilarious

NUMBER 9 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - AGED 3 I get on a bus with my mum and my all time favorite teddybear/doll...few stops later really really dark black dude gets o bus and i shout at the top of my three year old voice,
'MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!! He looks like my gollywog! Is he a real gollywog? MOMMY?!!!!'

My poor mother must have died a little more!!!!!!

NUMBER 10 TOTALLY EMBARESSING MOMENT - lemonysweet-thats nothing, my friends/friends little one who has sever autism knicked a real life PENGUIN from a ZOO, twycross zoo to be exact...mum didnt realise till they got home and son insisted on a bath...he doesnt l