Do you know anyone who would buy only one twin a Christening present?

[evansg01]

I can't sleep and thought I would ask you lovely ladies for your opinion. I am wondering if I'm surrounded by very thoughtful family and friends or is the world full of thoughtless people and I'm just very lucky not to know them.

My problem is I've just had a tiff with my sister-in-law and her husband. I have produced the first two grandchildren in my husbands family and we had them Christened. I asked his sister and husband to be godparents to our son and his only other sister to be a Godmother to our daughter. I felt a little guilty asking my husbands immediate family who live in Bristol (where we also live) to go to Scotland for the Christening. But they managed to fly up and back in the day. A few months ago I invited all my husbands family - parents sisters aunts uncles cousins etc round for a buffet and drinks so they could all meet the new arrivals rather than invite them to a Christening they couldn't make.

The Christening was a great success and we were overwhelmed with the guests generosity with everyone giving the babies a present each. But today my husbands sister and husband came round with a present for their Godson. I immediately asked where was my daughters present and was met with blank stares and the response that as Godparents they thought they just needed to buy for their Godson. I pointed out that she was the Aunt to both children and I would have expected her to have bought each child a gift. The sister in-law got very upset saying she didn't know she had made a mistake! Her husband made a bigger mistake of mentioning the cost of travelling to the Christening and buying two presents etc. This was a red rag to a bull as we spent a fortune sending my husband to attend their wedding in Turkey when the twins were only 5 weeks old. My husbands family are odd and not good at giving to others but I never thought I would have to point out to an Aunt that giving only one child a gift was completely thoughtless.

I mentioned the problem to a couple of people and they said they would just have accepted the gift and bitched about her behind her back and would never have confronted them. Over the past 5 years I've kept my mouth shut when my inlaws have done some bizarre thoughtless acts but I've decided that if they were directed at my children they would be left in no doubt that I find their actions offensive. We are out for dinner with the sister and her husband on Friday so I'm sure this will be water under the bridge.

I was wondering if there are lots of thoughtless sister-in-laws/people out there or are they thankfully few and far between. Or is it me, am I in the wrong for believing what they did was thoughtless and for pointing it out

Comments good or bad gratefully received.

[stuffitllama]

I think you are wrong. If I was a godparent I would buy a present for the Godchild. I would possibly buy a small token for the other twin, especially if we had already bought "birth" presents. If you immediately asked where your daughter's present you are very rude. It's not even an issue for bitchiness behind backs. It's completely normal.

[Buda]

I prob would have bought something for the other twin but not a 'christening' type present. However - I cannot believe you actually asked for a present for your DD!!!!

Can't see that this will be water under the bridge any time soon! I think you may need to apologise - no matter what you feel it is downright rude to ask for a present.

[savoycabbage]

It's not thoughtless at all IMO. They were asked to be godparents and they have bought their godchild a gift. Bastards! You should have asked them both to be Godparents to both if you didn't want them to treat your children any different. I have different godparents from my sister and i have a special relationship with those godparents that me sister does not have. She has her own godparents.

When you asked them for another present I bet they nearly died! Like Buda I would have probably got the other twin another less significant present - but not if I had already got something when they were born.

I think you were wrong and I think you were VERY rude indeed. Sorry.

[BrokenliSpears]

Wow. YAB totally unreasonable and so rude I actually cringed to read your OP.

[Chirpygirl]

I am one of 5 and would never expect a gift of my siblings godparents, that's what mine were for (and god bless my mum for picking her best mate as my godmum as she worked for JAeger!)

[lulumama]

goodness me, the point of having a christening is not how many presents you can get. you sound very grasping . your twins are seperate entities, their own people, and you should treat them that way. I am a twin myself, so i can say that

these sorts of family events are not and should not be about how much stuff your babies get

they are not thoughtless, you are rude and materialistic for immediately asking where more presents were!

[gagarin]

the godparetns should only buy a present for their godchild. That is what godparents do

[Tn0g]

What if, by having this outburst, you did cause a huge rift between yourselves and your baby's godparents/aunt and uncle?

What then?

You have to be more mature emotionally and less rude.

[GColdtimer]

I feel a bit sorry for your SIL, it sounds like she was really embarrassed. I am really surprised you actually asked for a present for your DD and I am not surprised that your brother got defensive.

If I had already brought birth presents I probably would have only brought a present for my godchild tbh as I would have thought that the other god parents would be buying for the other twin.

[AnarchyAunt]

YABU. And grasping.

Like the babies are going to notice who got what from who!

I would have bought a token present for the other twin, but they obviously didn't think to. I'd never ask someone "where's the other present" - its incredibly rude.

[littleboyblue]

I think if you'd had 2 children of different ages christened at the same time then fair enough only buying for one child, but when they're twins I think it's a bit different. Especally as they are blood relatives. I wouldn't have expected gifts as a the point of a christening is to ensure my children are accepted into God's kingdom, but if 1 twin got a gift, then I wouldve thought the other would. If I knew twins, I'd have bought for both but if I had twins I would have choosen the same godparents for both tbh.

[fircone]

You say your in-laws have done some bizarre things - well, now you have seized the title of Most Bizarre Relative.

Apologise - and quick.

[Spink]

sorry, but I'm adding my voice to the others and saying that I think it was reasonable for your SIL just to buy her godson a pressie - it marks out that she has a special relationship with that child. In some ways it is MORE thoughtful than treating the two of them as a unit, and buying both a gift, as it recognises that she and her godson (will) have a particular bond.

Is it the other stuff, that has happened in the past (wedding costs, & you mentioned 'bizarre acts') that is underlying this? Or is there something else going on in your life at the mo that means you are being particularly sensitive? It does sound like you've got it a bit arse about face this time.

If you value your relationship with your SIL and her family I'd apologise if I were you, if I were her I'd be mortified and pretty angry too. Maybe that's why they mentioned the cost - they just lashed out when they were feeling attacked.

Anyway. Good luck with sorting things out.

[spottyshoes]

Afraid I agree with the others. I would buy for my godchild.

What I would be annoyed about is if a SIL bought a birthday present for one child and not the other.


and you may think it will have been forgotten by Friday but I'm still a bit pissed at my SIL's and my DS's b.day was in April!

[throckenholt]

to be honest - the kids are so young they won't have any idea about the christening present - so it is all for the adults benefit.

I would have smiled and said thanks.

In a way you complicated the issue by making them godparents to one - which gives them a bigger link with that twin than the other (even though they are aunt/uncle to both).

I think maybe it is time to apologise and say I am sorry I didn't mean to upset you by asking about dd present - it never occurred to me that you would treat them differently - but that is silly because we asked you to by asking you to be a god parent.

Put it down to the twin haze of exhaustion and not thinking clearly and see if you can patch up the relationship - you don't want to have soured the aunt/uncle (and even more godparent too ) relationship when they are only babies.

[ErnestTheBavarian]

YABTU

I also was totally shocked and cringing reading your OP! In fact, can barely scrape my jaw off the floor! OMG.

Outrageously rude to demand a present. Your sil must have been very embarrassed, and now, after the even probably (and justifiably)mextremely angry at you. You are totally in the wrong with this one and owe her a HUGE and unreserved apology.

I also suggest you go to the multiple births threads and ask parents of twins what to expect etc, because you will have thses sorts of problems cropping up all the time. You seem to want the teins to be treated identically. Well, they won't be. One will be invited to a birthday party and the other won't be. Do you plan to spend their entire lives running after people and shouting at them for not treating your precious twins identically??? Perhaps if one gets detention, you'll demand the other gets it too?

"am I in the wrong for believing what they did was thoughtless and for pointing it out " Yes yes and yes Feel very sorry for your sil, and mightily embarrassed for you.

[GColdtimer]

And " I mentioned the problem to a couple of people and they said they would just have accepted the gift and bitched about her behind her back"

It doesn't really sound like you are surrounded by very "thoughtful" friends tbh.

Much better to come to MN in future if you want an honest and balanced opinion

[MrsBadger]

YABU

gosh

[TheGoat]

gosh indeed!

i think you should apologise and blame hormones and tiredness, you have just had twins so i think this is a v. reasonable excuse.

[EyeballsintheSky]

I wouldn't have mentioned the other present tbh and it did sound quite rude but I'm amazed that all of you wouldn't have bought an equal present for both twins. God parent or not, it's only fair that they are treated equally in terms of things like this. I have been to christenings where I've been godmother and ones where I haven't and I always give the same sort of amount. Obviously slightly different for non family but it wouldn't occur to me to make a distinction.

[potoftea]

I agree with all the others who say YABU too.

I think by buying for her godchild she showed that she has a special relationship with that child, and that she is trying to build that special bond.

My dc are all different ages, but one of the godparents buys for all 3 at Christmas and Easter. But I much prefer the way the other godparents just buy for their own godchild. It makes the child feel that they are a bit special in that person's eyes.

[morningpaper]

YABVU and a little bit bonkers

Behaving like this will isolate you from your family, who are obviously generous and kind

You really need to think before you speak a little more

[TheGoat]

yes mp but is she poisoning her family with a cat?

[piscesmoon]

I find you very strange! You single out one twin to have a special relationship with your SIL and then you get upset when she treats him as special!
I should apologise profusely; you put her in a very embarrassing position. YABU.

[morningpaper]

I agree also with those who say that the ball is realy in your court to settle the water and apologise. She has every right to be very, very angry with you. I would send a note and maybe flowers and explain that you are stressed and weren't thinking straight.

And you really DON'T need to tell people when you think they are being offensive towards your children (if this is your idea of offensive). Just keep quiet and bit your lip. Your children are individuals and need to develop their own relationships with people on their own terms - some will be good and some less good. But these are NEW a developing relationships and you mustn't try to control them. Your children can decide when they are older who is favoured and who is not.