Literally not coping, where can I get help?!

(45 Posts)
Heloise1982 Tue 13-Sep-16 16:57:53

I'm sat here in tears because both my twins (7mo) have been crying at the top of their lungs all afternoon. They're tired but won't nap. I've had to put my 2 yo in front of the telly while I've been trying unsuccessfully to settle them - they won't take any more food (bf), they're on medication for reflux that doesn't seem to work, literally every position I put them in they hate. They calm down a bit when I'm holding them but I can't hold two babies and look after a toddler! I've got no help nearby and my husband, who is brilliant and super supportive, works long hours so I'm home alone a fair bit. They're not sleeping brilliantly either; I was up 3 times in the night and have been up for the day since 4 am. I simply don't know what to do or how to carry on like this; it feels like it's been going on forever. GP says there's nothing wrong with them. I'm not depressed incidentally, at least not in a clinical sense, I'm just miserable and stressed to buggery. And for some reason every time anyone asks how I'm doing all I can say is 'oh, not too bad, thanks.'

When will this get easier? Why do they cry all the time?? I feel so isolated but struggle to get out with two babies and a toddler (husband has the car for work, I do sometimes borrow it but it's a massive faff and means he has to get a taxi, and it's difficult getting all three kiddies in and out, bus is pretty much an impossibility) I feel like I desperately need help but have no idea where to start or how to get it.

Ratbagratty Tue 13-Sep-16 17:06:57

Contact TAMBA, they help with many things for families of multiples. Sorry I can't help anymore, I am a twin they have helped with many moons ago!

2014newme Tue 13-Sep-16 17:10:35

Hi, contact your local college about having a nursery nurse student on place. I had one 2 days per week for 4 months. Do it now like today as college goes back.
See if you could get a local sixth former or similar for a couple hours after school at babysitter pay rate. I had one 6 hours per week she was fab we still keep in touch.
Good luck

Zephyroux1 Tue 13-Sep-16 17:11:07

that sounds really tough going, how about contacting home start to see if you could get a volunteer to help you?

NoMudNoLotus Tue 13-Sep-16 17:12:13

Have far have you got with weaning them?

The quicker you can now wean them the quicker the reflux will resolve... I'm a HCP & had to wean my preemies quicker to resolve the reflux.

Everyday they are growing & everyday they grow the closer you are to the reflux going flowers

2014newme Tue 13-Sep-16 17:15:14

Are they on ranitidine for the reflux

Have you got a twins club facebook group? There may be someone who has contacts of people who specialise with twins eg my old nanny does a day a week with a family to help them out.

Is there any nurseries locally that you could put your 2yo into far even 3 mornings a week? It will give him a bit of stimulation and you a chance to catch up/ manage them a bit easier.

CreamTeaFor4 Tue 13-Sep-16 17:16:51

Can you afford to buy in some help? Either someone trained to look after children, or even someone just as an extra pair of hands whilst in your company. Maybe for a couple of hours a day or week?

Otherwise I second all the above suggestions for Homestart and nursery colleges. Also, do you go to church? Someone I knew had a lot of help from her church with her triplets.

Herschellmum Tue 13-Sep-16 17:21:51

Hi honey, it sounds like I have been there ... I was a mother of twins and when they were born eldest wasn't even 2! So it was a little crazy. How I got though that first year I don't know.

It does get easier! Mine just started full time school last week, it's amazing!

I think what got me though we're other twin mums, it's not a competition on whose has it worse but parenting twins is different and my network of twin mums made it so much easier. If really helps I'd they are the same age, so lol for groups, online or RL.
feel free to pm me, I do totally get it.

You got this ... Deep breath. I know it doesn't help now, I used to want to stab people with a fork I'm the eye that told me it would get better, but it does, and if I can support at all, I'm totally here, feel free to rant anytime to me.

Herschellmum Tue 13-Sep-16 17:25:10

Oh, and totally get the not getting out much, I think I was a hermit when the twins were young. People asked if it was hard and the answer is logistically it's a nightmare and sorry to say unless they are very obedient, then that part doesn't get easier for a few years ... I anticipate it being easier when their are 24 haha ... No but seriously, it is isolating and it's bloody draining.

Saying that I now have 4 haha ... I'm done now haha ... So it couldn't be too hellish for me to add another.

Toffos Tue 13-Sep-16 19:43:23

Do you have home start or sure start support workers in your area? Your health visitor should be able to point you in the right direction.

My twins are my first children and I take my hat off to parents with older dc too. If they're 7 months have you started weaning? Mine suffered with terrible reflux and we weaned early on medical advice. It made a massive difference and they were much happier babies.

KnockMeDown Tue 13-Sep-16 19:46:38

Will they take a dummy to help settle them?

idontlikealdi Tue 13-Sep-16 19:51:07

Oh I've been there without the 2yo and it was bloody tough.

- have you got a twins club nearby?
- is the 2yo in any sort of nursery / childcare at all?
- are they properly medicated for the reflux bearing in mind the dosage changes as they put on weight?

It DOES get easierflowers

Heloise1982 Tue 13-Sep-16 20:15:51

Thanks everybody! My daughter is in nursery one day a week, which does help (madness really that having 'just' two babies to look after feels a bit like down time!) - sadly I can't really justify the expense of any more than that, and she's still too young for free childcare. But I will look into Sure Start, and I'll phone TAMBA too. There is a group about 15 minutes away - I haven't been yet because of the sheer logistics, but I think I do need to get out more for my own sanity, so I'm just going to have to work out a way of getting there. I do think the biggest single problem is the isolation - I did so much with my daughter (swimming, massage, the lot), but it's all such an undertaking with these two. Just getting everybody in and out of the car feels like a full body workout!

Thanks for the advice re: reflux. They are on ranitidine, which has helped a bit I think, but hasn't solved the problem. It's a fairly recent prescription, so I think the quantities are right. Weaning is getting absolutely nowhere (not helped by the fact they don't like their high chairs! For various reasons they are very, very little, and to be honest don't really fit) - I was holding out to do baby led weaning, but I will look into starting them with some purees, to see if it settles them a bit.

They aren't easy babies exactly, but I do know they could be a lot worse - it's the sheer fact of there being two of them plus a 2yo that is such a challenge. It's so hard when all they want is a cuddle and a bit of boob, but I can't be in two places at once. It's always nice to be reminded it gets easier - I look forward to it!

Bold: Herschellmum thank you, I will take you up on that offer to pm you, but I'm just too goddamn exhausted tonight! (In my head, I'll be less exhausted tomorrow night. I don't know why I think this.)

I'm still feeling a little sorry for myself, but all the children are in bed, and I'm eating chocolate, so - well - that's something.

Herschellmum Tue 13-Sep-16 20:35:47

I don't think there are right or wrong answers regarding weaning, I've done both with my 4, but with the twins (and my last singleton) I did BLW because selfishly it was easier. I can't quite imagine how I would have managed to fit into my day weaning the twins, lol, but I just left it up to them, they didn't show much interest until nearly 7 months.

Do PM, I remember it well, I don't have any magic to make it easier but I certainly can listen and I have plenty do empathy for you.

TheEagle Tue 13-Sep-16 20:43:44

Lots of empathy for you! I had my twins when my older son was 18.5 months.

That first year was hard! It's so tough when you have both of them howling at the same time. I still find that hard and they're almost 17 months now.

Multiples are a challenge and you need all the help and support you can get.

It does get easier! Mine have slept through the night since they finished their last bout of teething at 15 months. That has made a world of difference to me. Prior to that I was occasionally up every 45 minutes when they were going through a growth spurt or teething.

I often feel guilty that I am wishing the time away; at the moment mine are just so flipping dangerous and I can't wait until they are a bit safer grin

Hope that you have good support from your OH. Do contact TAMBA and Sure Start and see what help they can offer.

In the meantime try to rest a bit and have some cake smile

TheEagle Tue 13-Sep-16 20:46:13

Oh and I still am not too good st leaving the house with all 3 on my own!

We live quite rurally and have a nice garden so if we all have a little walk and a ramble around the garden of an afternoon it makes a huge difference.

2014newme Tue 13-Sep-16 20:46:31

Definitely ring the college and get a student, much easier to get out with two pairs of hands

conscientioussuicidee Tue 13-Sep-16 20:46:37

Also look at getting home start support ?

ChocolateHelps Tue 13-Sep-16 21:00:28

Do you have a children's centre near you? Can you give them a call and ask for advice? The one near me, the manager used to physically go and help a twin mum get out of the house to come to stay and play. Health visitor might be of help with local groups and home start. Do you have a local breastfeeding group nearby that you could contact? Lots of new mums would be in awe of a mum bf twins and you might be surprised that going to a group when you are the experienced mum can give your feelings a boost too. LLL is really good for that and if you find your local leader they may be able to put you in touch with other bf twin mums

Google local sling libraries. See if they have. Twingo sling for hire. If not, Google the north east sling library and postal hire one! Then, if you like it, buy one! Put both babies in the sling and they will be upright which might help their reflux and you will have your hands free for out and about with the toddler.

NoMudNoLotus Tue 13-Sep-16 22:20:16

Hersch re the weaning for babies with reflux weaning absolutely does help .

Advice for babies with reflux & weaning is more flexible than that of none reflux babies.

Della1 Tue 13-Sep-16 22:31:27

First of all, you are amazing! I have twins who are nearly 4 and an 18 month old. The first year with my third child was a complete blur. I empathise with the sleepless nights and then getting up to look after 3 very young children. I promise it will get better. I don't have any advice about reflux but definitely think getting out of the house, even if just for a walk, will help you to feel better. If the crying gets too much, can you strap them in the buggy (one in sling) and just walk? Get yourself a coffee to take away, go to an open space where toddler can roam about??? It's hard. I struggled to get out in the beginning and even now have only a set number of places I feel I can take all 3 (usually an open space). Twin groups are brilliant and very unjudgemental. Also, twin mums are always willing to help each other out. You will get through this...hang on in there! Xx

MoonHare Tue 13-Sep-16 22:36:02

Google Home Start. It's not the same as sure start, don't confuse them.

Home Start train volunteers to offer home visiting support to families with young children. If you have a Home Start office in your area then phone or email them. Usually a paid member of staff will come to see you chat through the sort of help you need then match you up with a volunteer who will visit you generally for 2 hrs per week for up to 6 months.

Volunteers can help practically - literally hold the baby while you shower, put washing on, batch cook, play with your 2 yo, help you get out of the house to groups or the shops. Also offer a non judgemental listening ear, share their experiences of parenting (volunteers are always parents themselves). Volunteers are fully dbs checked and very well trained.

lokijet Tue 13-Sep-16 22:39:04

hi i know it won't help to hear this now but it will get better. My SIL has mutiples and has found a good support network locally and via Facebook.

she also got some help from Homestart (a charity) who had someone come for a couple of hours a week in the early days

you are amazing- only very talented mums are allowed more than one at once!

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