Can a marriage survive toddler twins?

[Cornwall73]

That's it really. Our nearly 2 twin toddlers a pretty full on and DH is permanently tired and just wants a quiet life after a long hard week at work. We are over critical of each other and I have become a shouty mum permanently with PMT! Barely speaking to each other by Sunday lunchtime.

Sad to admit we would have fared better with a singleton. :(

Any words of advice?

[TiggersLikeToBounce]

We're in the same boat, we've set aside time in the evening to talk without TV, devices etc on. We also go out once a month for a meal, cinema, a walk whatever just to be a couple. Communication is key.
Toddlers are hard work and we all need time off from being mum and dad and being a couple.
Hope that helps x

[littlegemsem]

My twin boys are 2 and I do understand your situation. We also have 4 teenagers between us.
Without meaning to sound awful your partner needs to realise that a quiet life disappears when you have children regardless if it's one or more. I think the more that you try to fight against the chaos of twins the more problems it causes, just go with it and try to enjoy the good bits!

Time out for yourselves both as a couple and alone does help. Does your partner have a hobby that he could spend a few hrs a week enjoying. Same for you? Doesn't have to be anything big. I love a soak in the bath with a book while my partner likes visiting a friend who has motorbikes.

Toddlers are hard work and I don't think anything prepares you for the chaos that is toddler twins! Do you work? I'm a stay at home mum but have recently enrolled my boys in nursery 2 mornings a week. I was ready for a break. I spend my time doing the grocery shop and cleaning but it seems so easy without 2 toddlers in tow. I'm a lot more relaxed for the break, is this an option for you?

Talk to your partner tell him you love him, show affection and try to have a laugh about things. xx

[toomuchtooold]

I don't think much helps other than time off! If you're SAH then time off is a priority for you first and only then your DH - toddler twins are miles more stressful than your average stressful job.

At 3 and a bit, mine are now fairly easy to take care of despite having just dropped their last nap, sob so it does get better. Then immediately after that they get a nursery place so it gets TONS easier.

Is your DH engaging with the kids during the weekend or letting you get on with it? He should be at least doing equal parenting duty on the weekend IMO. I think some dads do shirk a bit and they can get away with it with singletons but with twins they simply need to step up.

[mandy214]

It can, but I think you are 3 times more likely to get divorced when you have twins (some stats I remember reading once!).

Twins are 10 now although we did complicate matters by having Number 3 and we have had our ups and downs during those 10 years. I think as others have said that time off is really the only thing that can help, but its really difficult when you have twins. There are not many babysitters that will take on toddler twins for £5 a hour!!! We never left them with anyone but my mum who lives abroad most of the year until they were 4, at which point we had a newborn, so we really only started using babysitters and getting more of a social life when they were about 6. This really helped. With hindsight, perhaps we shouldn't have been so precious - maybe should have asked nursery staff to sit (which we did once we had Number 3 but never did with the twins).

That for me was key - because seeing him in a social environment chatting with friends etc is when I find him most attractive (and remembered why I had married him!). I think its important to re-create whatever it is that makes you remember why you're a couple as well as parents.

I don't really agree with hobbies (that take up a few hours on a weekend) because that is family time - especially if you're a SAHM doing all the childcare / housey stuff during the week, don't really agree with the man swanning off to spend an afternoon doing whatever he wants. Even if the woman does the same thing - it must really impact on time as a family. Thats just me though, we both have an hour here or there to run, he plays 5 a side for an hour in the evening and we drink alot of wine.

[Cornwall73]

Dear all thank you for your messages. I guess that what you are all saying is that having a family is hard work and you have to work hard to keep it together cooperatively. I think that is where our problem lies.

To answer some of your questions I work part time and a nanny looks after the twins when I am at work as well as one extra afternoon so I get a bit of time to myself. However that normally translates into doctors/dental appt, doing stuff like top up food shopping, paper work or taking the dog to the vet. I don't get to swan around galleries and clothes shops!

I spoke to DH today and asked if he enjoyed being with the children. He admitted that he only sometimes enjoys their company. He said that he always worried that he wouldn't be a good father and that he hoped that it would come naturally or just build up as time passed but he admits that two years on and it just hasn't and he doesn't know what to do. He said he doesn't know what he wants.

I said that I need to know where I stand. If he is okay with me just doing my own thing at weekends with the kids then I will and I will stop trying to fit in with what he would like to do. However at the moment I hope he will step in with some plan, decision or suggestion (even if it's going to the local park) but 11am hits and these two are bouncing off the walls as we are still at home. Needless to say I take 100% of decisions regarding the children. DH has not been involved in their birthday presents or has ever taken the initiative to give them a meal. It has always been me. Most mornings at the moment when the kids wake up they come to say hello to us but want us to sit and watch a bit of TV with them downstairs. It is always me that goes down with them regardless if I have had a bad night (DD is a poor sleeper). One the occasions he does goes down with them he doesn't let me have a lie in or just a cup of tea in bed. If the kids want to be with me he just lets them.

Problem is that the kids are very clingy to me. DH is not around much during the week and at weekends because I do everything, they of course gravitate towards me. On the occasions I have left DH on his own with them for more than just a trip to the park I come home to utter chaos and the children running wild whilst he is on his phone or reading the paper. He is a lovely man, we want for nothing he is great at cooking and very caring but he is just not a children's person at all.

I was the one that wanted kids. We were half trying when I fell pregnant and then mc. It led to such a hope turmoil in my life that we moved cities and then we got the diagnosis of infertility. Cue several years and much emotion and money spent of treatment and more mc. He found himself chasing the unattainable dream with me even though it wasn't really his dream to start with. I get the feeling this is just not what he signed up for.

[FiftyShadesOfSporn]

You have three two year olds, in fact. I don't know the answer though. Wishing you luck x

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

God you described my life.... you have to give him tasks. Sat he does breakfast, he does 3 baths 3 bed times, show him how to play with them. Tell him he meeds to listen to you re care/routine etc ...

[Rarity08]

When DH came into my life I already had 3 dc's so he knew the score.
I have dtds with DH, but he was already accustomed to the chaos and madness that was our lives. We both work in health and social care, working opposite shifts etc so he has always been hands on. Dtds are nearly 9 and it does get easier......but we still have the teen years to weather yet, someting neither of us are particularly looking forward to, but different ages come with different challenges, that is the reality of parenting I'm afraid. The way we see it is we survived the first 3 teens and we know what's coming.

[HamNJam]

Our twins are now just 13. We have survived so far I believe, because we both accept our roles as parents first and foremost. You may have had the initial desire to have children, but surely at no point did your DH say he didn't want kids - so don't feel guilty about "this is just not what he signed up for". He's a father now, there's no changing or denying that fact.

How is your relationship in terms of communication? Do you make time to talk together, to just chat over a quiet dinner? Could you get your nanny to babysit one evening a month so you can do "date night"? Spend some time and make an effort with each other, make sure you both feel appreciated.

If he doesn't "do stuff" with the kids, then make a list for him to work through of activities that he could do with them. It doesn't have to complicated, trips to the park, walks to feed ducks, painting in the garden etc. Doing more stuff with them will help bring them together, on both sides. Do things all together at first, then give him an hour on his own with the kids, build up his confidence. Your kids and DH need to do fun things together to enjoy being together perhaps.

The first time I went away from DH and kids overnight, I made a detailed timetable for him so he would know when to feed them! He's at work most of the time too so didn't really have a clue about our day time activities etc.

It's not always fun being a parent, and twin toddlers are hard work! But it does get easier in many ways as they grow up

[Eastie77]

Some dads (and mums) are not great with kids during the early years but come into their own as the kids get older. I'm not trying to absolve your DH of childcare responsibilities or make excuses for him but as he has admitted he has found fatherhood difficult so far it might be that it gets easier for him as they get older and he is able to do different types of activities with them. This obviously doesn't help you in the here and now but it is something I have observed within my own family (my brother was clueless with his 2 when they were tiny but is great with them now as they approach their teens and his wife finds them much more challenging now).

My own DC is 2.5 and DP is brilliant with her. He can happily take her to the park and play for hours on end whereas I get bored after 15mins. In some ways I think it is because he is quite childlike himself and I foresee issues arising between the two of them as she grows older!