Overwhelmed Twin Mum to be

[piximon]

Hiya, I'm 24 weeks pregnant with twins. Already have ds 3.7 yrs and dd 2yrs. Have no idea how I'm going to cope, only that I will because I have to. Husband works quite long hours and family members either too sick (long term disabled) or working full time. My husbands job is relocating shortly (he's only been there a few months but he loves it) so although commutable from our current location he'll soon be away from home even more with the travelling time.
Generally all I hear is "oh you'll have your hands full" or "I wouldn't want to be you" but nothing helpful or even positive. In fact so many people have said negative things I'm starting to wonder if I'm mad for being happy about them.
I had a home birth last time and it was lovely, I'm dreading going back to the hospital for the twins birth as first time round was such a nightmare experience but can't afford independant midwives to have another home birth. I hate the idea of being confined to a bed again and having an epidural but am told it's standard practice for my hospital. I'm also having very bad SPD (crutches/support belt etc) so looking after my two little ones is getting difficult and being unable to run around after them makes me less inclined to take them out which makes me feel really guilty.
I don't know anyone with twins, or even any mothers really so I'm feeling really lonely and isolated. I've generally avoided any meets before because I was worried how I'd cope with my two and now I'll have 4. Will I ever leave the house again? I was prepared for one newborn but won't be for twins (ie have Phil & Ted buggy, one crib, etc) and wonder how we'll cope financially. We accrued loads of debts before my husband started working which we're still paying off now.
I just realised that I've typed an essay. Sorry. I guess I'm just looking for a kind word really, I'm starting to feel down about everything.

[bluejelly]

Oh Piximon you poor thing. I only have one dd but I'm a single mother and I remember feeling overwhelmed when I was pregnant with how I was going to cope on my own.
The thing is that you do cope because you have to.
There are things that might make your life easier:

** making contact with other mothers in your situation-- on mumsnet or tamba?

** getting local help-- are there any local childminders or babysitters who could come round and give you a hand in the early days

** Try not to worry about debts. Your dh is working and you will eventually pay them off.

** can you afford to get your supermarket shopping delivered for a few weeks to save you having to struggle round the shops on your own?

** what about a cleaner for the first two months to give you a break?

I hope these ideas help a bit. Whatever you do don't feel guilty. And of course you are going to have your hands full but you will have a fantastic family to look after you in your old age! And many years of happiness in between of course...

[MarsLady]

whereabouts are you?

You can visit the doula website and see if you can get a doula who'll be with you for the birth. They have a hardship fund and also trainees who have a limit on what they can charge, and some will do it for free.

Come visit us on the D'y ever wonder how life still got like this thread. We'll all tell you the horrors that we all heard when we were pregnant with our DTs.

Truth be told, it is a lot of hard work, but it has so many joys as well (try not to read about my DTs and the Toilet Duck..... might put you off 2.5yo DTs lol).

Anyway honey..... we are here to help! Don't feel down.

[frumpygrumpy]

Hi sweetheart. You are overwhelmed!!

I can't say its going to be easy because it won't be. I have DTs and a DD. It was immensely hard work in the beginning and I struggled (I'm not saying you will). BUT its also taught me an awful lot about whats important in life and there are some wonderful moments that mothers who haven't had twins are just robbed of (mine are 2 and last week when i had a blister on my foot one kissed it and one got cream for it, they fawned over me and I felt so luky). I felt lucky for 6 months in the beginning, then I kind of fell apart with the constant-ness of someone needing ME.

I'm not a big mixer with people really and when i got that I couldn't cope anymore without someone who understood what I was dealing with day to day, I stumbled upon MN and it saved me from god knows what!!! I started a thread on here called "D'y ever wonder how life got like this?" and the girls I met there have been wonderful. Knowing that someone else in the country is doing it too helped enormously. Its a huge thread and Kelly just started a new one recently called "D'ya ever wonder how life carried on like this". If you have time, read some of the entries on the old thread and join us on the new one, there's ususally someone about every day.

Mars is a doula and has 5 kids (yeah 5!!!) including her DTs, Kelly has 2 plus DTs and I have DD plus DTs. Lots more lovely girls are there too. No one judges, everyone has support, and everyone understands.

Your pregnancy will have its own risks and a homebirth is maybe just too much to hope for. I hated the thought of an epidural but I can honestly say that, after the horror of a birth I had first time round, it was lovely. It was a balmy summer evening, I had 2 gorgeous midwives (IME you tend to get the most experienced on account of it being twins) and a support team who waited patiently outside my room drinking cups of tea and eating biscuits while I laboured. The epidural was great because I could 'enjoy' the moment and feel part of the excitement. The team were very respectful and as I needed no intervention they didn't come in.

You must stay open to all eventualities and we're here to help you through the rough and hear the good. Stay strong x.

p.s. I never do short posts, its something I've never mastered so you're in good company

[MarsLady]

No epi's fg.... lol! What you need is a lovely doula!

[katyjo]

Hi Piximon
I am from a family of 4, all girls I have an older sister and my younger sisters are twin girls. I know my mum used to have nightmares about bottles and babies when she was pregnant and she had a nightmare birth with my older sister, but both my birth and the twins birth was fine and she gave birth naturally to the twins who were an unplanned breech, she went into labour naturally and didn't have a long labour or difficult birth.
My mum went on to breastfeed the twins and found they were very quick and easy to feed (unlike my older sister).
We had a wonderful family life and I loved being from a big family, you will all be fine.
My mum is a big supporter of the NCT who sent trainee nannies free of charge to help her, loaned her a twin pram and various other things. TAMBA are also supposed to be really helpful. I am not sure how much free help you would get now, with the increase in twins, but I think if hubby is working long hours you should try and get help for an hour or so a day, and a doula sounds a great idea. Good luck with everything. xx

[frumpygrumpy]

OK Mars, next time round no epidural and will you be my doula HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ?!!!

BTW piximon, I was overdue with the DTs and had normal delivery for one, breech delivery for the other, less stiches than for DD, had a healthy 5lb 15oz and an even more healthy 6lb 13oz. It ain't all bad.f

[frumpygrumpy]

stitches I mean

[Kelly1978]

is there any chance that you can change to a different hospital? They seem very fixed in their ideas. Keep an open mind though, but the end of mine I had to BEG for a section and for them to get them out at 38 weeks rather than leave me any longer!

It is very hard, My two were 4 and 2 when my dts were born. My 2yo also has sn, and no family support at that time so I did/do have a handful. Dp is around most of the time, but lacks parenting skills (to be tactful!). My only advice would be to make sure that you do take every bit of help you can. I've actually gotten myslef in a right mess trying to struggle on!

Come and join us on the 'life got like this' threads, it is a brilliant support. Whereabouts are you located?

[MarsLady]

Pixi when are you due? I'll do it for you if I don't have another booked! I can get to SE18 easily. Email me on lovelymarslady at aol dot com.

As to the breastfeeding.... been there done that! Will help postnatally too.

Can't work out what date it will be in 12 weeks time..............

[Quadrophenia]

hey piximon, its so natural to feel overwhelmed i think we all have done/do at some point. I think a Doula would certainly help you feel more positive and with mars you'd be getting an experienced twin mum so it couldn't be better. I had twins first, but fell pregnant when they were six months old so had three children under 15 months and then when the twins were three I had my fourth so i certainly know what its like to have four little ones!
Hospital policy or no hospital policy you have the right to have the birth you want, they cannot make you do anything you don't want so if you don't want an epidural then don't (a doula can help you with this too).
Whilst life can be busy it will certainly have its rewards, breastfeeding is probably less hassle than bottles if its what you want to do, you can tandem feed (so takes less time) and no sterilising, I also found it handy to express so others could give me hand when it all got a bit much! The best advice i can give you is buy two cheap (not the posh ones) bouncy chairs they were my life line and you can always get your other two involved in bouncing them so you can get on!! Wishing you lots of luck xx

[hunkermunker]

Piximon, good luck with it all - and take Marsy up on her offer - she's a bloody marvel x x x

[throckenholt]

Hi - another twin mum here (mine are 3.75 id boys, and we have a 5.25 boy as well).


Haven't read the other answers yet.

You don't say if yours are id or not - I presume not otherwise you may have mentioned all the extra monitoring that goes with id pregnancies.

The first months of twindom is known as the twin haze - you get through it but you have little memory of it or any idea how you did (at least in my case ). Presumably your older ones will be involved in playgroup and such like - so there will be times when it is a bit less manic - but you will have to work out the logistics of getting about I guess.

As far as equipment, clothes etc - we found everyone wanted to give us there hand-me-downs - in fact we had more than we knew what to do with . The only real expense we had was cot, pushchair (from ebay), and car seats - they were the big one actually. We ended up buying 5 second stage ones (DS1 still needed his) in one go - so that we did not have to keep switching the seats between the two cars (DH and I both work part time and share childcare).

There are quite a few twin mums her - but another place that I can recommend where all have at least twins is www.twinsclub.co.uk - I used to use it a lot in the early days (but they changed their forum structure and I couldn't keep up!) - try the talk boards there as well - probably lots of advice and encouragement available.

I never found TAMBA much use for me personally - but it has probably changed in the last 3 years - and others have said it is great.

And ignore comments from everyone else - they are just voicing their own fear of how they would deal with it. You will cope - you will find your own way through it.

I would maybe suggest considering moving closer to DH's job though (just what you need to move house when pregnant with twins and two others under 5 - if you can cut out commuting time it will mean he has more time at home with you all, and he will be less tired by his working day.

[maycontainstress]

Hi piximon, I'm another twin mum, ds 5yrs. I don't have any other children and I'm an id myself so I had a bit of experience from my mum.

I totally agree with the bouncy chairs, they were my lifeline too! I bottle fed both of mine at the same time when they were big enough to sit in them, it worked out fine. I'm sure its going to be quite chaotic at home with all the children but also fantastic! The ds and dd will totally love helping with the new babies!

I got a lot of negative responses when I found out I was going to be a twinmum, it really hacked me off in the end. The twins will adore each other and have a 24 hr playmate from the word go.

In my area (Dorset) some people got NVQ students (for free) to help out, unfortunately, I only found out about it when the ds were 2 yrs and I was over the urgency. Imagine getting the student to do shove all the washing in the drier and help with winding, ahh, a dream come true.

I totally agree with what's been said about the birth, stand your ground with what you want.

Just ask your midwife about information/help you can receive free of charge, ask everyone. You'll not know what's available if you don't ask. Also, accept anything that's offered to you in the way of hand me downs, you can always get rid if you find you don't need it.

Good luck and congratulations. I'm planning another pregnancy and keeping my fingers crossed for more twins!

[leogaela]

Hi Piximon, I'm a few weeks behind you (15 + pregnant) and have an extremely demanding over active 1.5 year old. Everythink I do i'm thinking how will I do this with twins and am trying to work out practical solutions to everything. I've been lucky, most of the comments I've had when I've told people have been positive, but then I get annoyed because the positive people only think about the nice, cute stuff of having twins and not the hard work! My mum even thinks is wonderful that my belly is growing faster than with ds and that I could end up really huge !

One thing that has been suggested to me is to never turn down an offer for help from anyone, I'm keeping a mental list now of all the people that have offered.

Can you find a local teenager as a babysitter to help you out now in the evenings and weekends?

I'm shocked at the attitude towards the birth at your hospital, I had the feeling that things were getting better in the UK these days.

[leogaela]

Oh yes, maybe some people i'm being ambitious but I'm definitely planning to breastfeed and will do my best at it for as long as possible, I don't see any reason if it was successful wiht other pregnancies that it shouldn't work with twins. Lots of the twin mums on here have done it indifferent ways, there is a thread about it somewhere.

[piximon]

Thank you all for your replies. I'm feeling much better about things. I didn't come on for a while as my step dad was rushed to hospital last week with kidney stone probs so it was more manic then usual.
But things seem to be settling down.

My son just started a nursery close to home so I can now take him there and come back for a rest. I used to have to wait in town for the couple of hours as it was quite far and I don't drive.
My daughter seems to be really growing up in the past few weeks. She's just 2 and becoming really independant so I'm less worried about her feeling pushed out.
And I'm just going to see what happens with regards to the birth. I'm meeting up with Mars in a few weeks so I don't feel so alone.
Thank you all for your comments. I'm going to start joining you all on the D'ya ever wonder thread.

[frumpygrumpy]

Glad to hear all of that piximon, we're here good and bad so jump in.

[Judy1234]

Poor you. I wouldn't worry about the cost of equipment. Babies can sleep in drawers or you bed or whatever. Most important thing they need is love. We bought our first baby's clothes exclusively from Oxfam I think.
I was lucky enough to be able to afford an independnet midwife and they delivered the twins - one at home and the other one who hung on in there in hospital (at 40 weeks) the births were fine, natural, just what I wanted. I was very lucky.
You don't technically have to give birth in hospital if all is well. you can insist they're born at home as many twins have for years and quite safely but I did think with mine and my midwives agreed we would have a natural hospital birth as twin births can be riskier.

Breastfeeding twins is much easier than anything else. Always feed them once you get going at the same time. Wake the other when one wakes to feed. Don't bother with any bottles, expressing or any of that time consuming stuff.

Get out every day for long walks whatever the weather.

My life saver was full time work but I know that's probably a minority view....

[devondoris]

Hi Piximon!

I've only been on MN for a few months and came to it just like you are! It's been absolutely fabulous for support and advice and information - the women here are wonderful.

I'm now at 38 weeks, refused my last scan appointment last week because I didn't feel it was necessary (I'm growing apace!), and have a really good relationship with my obstetrician and midwife. Most of that is due to the research I've put in to discovering what the problems can be, what the risks are for twin births, and once they realised that I knew what I was talking about I got REPSECT!!!!!! I started with the Multiple Birth Foundation books - I've got them all pretty much and I'm quite happy to lend them to you. Some of it's scary, some of it's great, but it's all information if that's the kind of thing you need. Mars has my email address (she's been helping me too!) so get it from her if you'd like to borrow.

The main things that I've learnt is to listen to yourself and rest when you need, drink about a gallon of water a day, eat whole and healthy food and maybe take a good supplement. It's so worth it.

You sound just like I felt 18 weeks ago when I found out I was expecting twin boys. But now, I know it's going to be hell (!) but I'm as prepared as I can possibly be for both the birth and I reckon the next 3 years of nightmare!!!

As for your birth, you've got loads of information from other people on here, but I was also told I should have an epidural, and that I would be continuously monitored. I changed consultant, told them I wanted to go back to midwife-led care, and as I said earlier, I'm planning to have the birth I want. If it doesn't go to plan, it doesn't matter - I've chosen to think like that and I've decided that I will "allow" what happens to me, not allow others to do to me what they will!

I'm also good at essays as you can see!

Homestart are very useful, local tertiary colleges who do Nursery Nurse and Childcare courses are well worth getting hold of now so your name's down early, SureStart do twinsclubs for free in some areas, local teenagers who will help to look after the children during the week when your DP's away are extremely useful, get friends to do some cleaning and ironing if they aren't good at children and if you can't find someone cheap to come every other week or so, putting a box of postcards by the front door with jobs to be done on them so that visitors can pick and chose what they're good at.... And make sure everyone knows to greet your older children first before looking at the babies!!! If the older ones are amenable it could be their job to take visitors to the twins and then to show the visitors where the tea and coffee are! I had lots of old ladies telling DD that she'd be mummy's help - she was getting quite concerned about how much she was going to have to help, not surprisingly as she's not quite 4, so I told her that she only had to help when she wanted to. Now she tells the old ladies that. You can imagine the slightly taken aback looks we get now!

If you've just started taking one of your children to nursery, get the word around that you've got twins on the way - most people will offload all their old clothes and equipment on to you. I've been given everything except nappy liners and breast milk bags! I have three each of all the big pieces of equipment because I'm very bad at saying no (that's what got me twins in the first place!!!!).

And breastfeeding! Of course you can do it, if you want to! And if you don't, that's fine too and don't let anyone beat you up about it!!! The NCT can help with their feeding counsellors, and La Leche League are also worth contacting. There's a square pillow out there which is designed specially for twins (get your single friends to club together to get one for you) which you can find on 2became4.co.uk.

And another useful information source - the Association of Radical Midwives. They've got a website with lots of info on it, and also links to other natural birth places.

Next week I won't, if I even manage to get onto MN, be sounding half so chirpy and full of information because I will hopefully have started the fourth trimester... Eeeek!

Take lots of care, and if you mail me via Mars I'll get some books to you and anything else I can think of!

Doris

[speedymama]

Hi Piximon, my DTS were born 2.5 years ago and as a first time mother, I had no idea what to expect. Consequently, I just went with the flow and as soon as I could, I got the boys into routine. TBH, I have not found it as overwhelming as I thought it would be and that is because I work to a routine - I find it difficult to function otherwise. Also, because we do not live near our families or friends, I had to do it all until DH came home in the evening. Consequently, I went back to work part-time to give myself a break. A friend of mine used students from a local college to help her as part of their nursery nurse training so you could explore that route for hands on help. Also, Homestart maybe able to help

Despite what DH and I were told, having the twins has not been that expensive, other than the disposable nappies (we wanted to use reusable until we found out we were expecting twins and decided that it would be too much effort). The biggest outlay initially were the pram, two cots (cheap ones from Mothercare that are still going strong) and car seats. All clothes were either bought for us or I bought them from Asda or Primark.

[speedymama]

Also, you will need to allow an extra hour for any journey you undertake with your babies because you will be constantly stopped by passer-bys especially curious old ladies. You will be inundated with questions or comments like

I bet that is hard work
Poor you
Are they twins?
BOGOF
Double trouble
Does it run in the family?
Are they natural?
Are they yours? (I get asked this all the time because one is fair skin with blue eyes and one is dark skin with brown eyes as I'm black and DH is white).
Are they identical?(see above and you can understand why I always look bemused at this question).

Good luck and enjoy!