Finding it hard to cope.....(8 Posts)
I'm a mum of an 8 year old boy and 3 month old twin girls. Though my sons dad and I get on well and he has regular access, my daughers' dad wants nothing to do with them and has barely been seen since the pregnancy started to show. All through my pregnancy my mum said how she would be there for me and the girls, and help out so that I could spend time with my son, but since they've been born i've hardly seen her. It seems that everybody who offered support while I was pregnant now just says "I don't know how you cope!" and leaves it at that - if I ask for help then it's invariably inconvenient.
I just don't think that I am doing the best for any of my children at the moment - my son loves his sisters but i'm afraid that he's taking on too much personal responsibility in an effort to take the pressure off me, and when the girls are crying I don't even know what to do: if they're clean, dry and fed and just want cuddles, how do I decide who gets the cuddles?!
Very sorry that you are struggling on your own. Is there a branch of the Home Start voluntary org in your area or any possibility of approaching a child care college course to see if there might be any chance of a student placement? TAMBA run a telephone helpline for multiple parents but I guess you know about that. Are you willing to say where in the country you live?
I was going to suggest the same as the previous poster. When you next see your HV, they might be able to point you in the direction of any services locally that could be of assistance. Meanwhile, how would it be to say you're not coping and tell family and friends you do need help? I've found it hard with baby twins but with a partner to help and no other children. It sounds like you're doing the best you can in a difficult situation and you obviously care deeply about your children but we all need a little break every now and again.
I had a bad patch where I was left in the lurch (by a paid helper who suddenly vanished) with two 7 week babies and a 24 month old toddler. No parents around. DH had to go back to work as he had had so much time off already and really was at the end of his tether.
He told me to ask all my wide circle of mums (well there were about 7 of them who had toddlers the same age as mine) All of them except for one and my cousin (who worked normally) were USELESS and as you say invariably come up with it is inconvenient excuses. I remember the kind mother who helped me (the only one incidentally who had a baby and a toddler) as if it was yesterday. She is now a great friend and utterly reliable.
my advice is that if no-one helps just "book" them in some way, could you sit with me on such and such date and help me with tea or just come and be in the house with me on this date or take one baby for a walk on this day. Everyone is wary of being sucked in for the long haul and they are probably hoping you will be forced to make other arrangements - sometimes you have to just ask people for specific favours - dishes of food, keeping you company on specific occasions, on the basis that early days are the worst time and you need help now, and it will only be for a little while. Admit you are finding it difficult to cope and don't be too proud.
I so sympathise too with who gets the cuddles. Is there any possibility of borrowing a rocking chair from somewhere so you can cuddle both and rock (whilst resting yourself) Sometimes sitting with them both on a very comfortable sofa with lots of cushions to support your arms and white noise in the background(tv radio music), a cup of lukewarm tea/coffee and you relaxing can calm babies down. Whereas trying to get anything done invariably sets them off.
Your son sounds absolutely lovely and is probably delighted to help you in every way. I think children are often better with babies than adults, certainly they don't get bored of making funny faces
It will get easier. Mine are 5 months next week, and the last month has been exponentially easier. They play happily on a mat and can grab toys to place with, they sit happily in bouncy chairs or jumperoos, and are starting to sleep more at night. I feel like I've gone from 'surviving' to 'coping' suddenly. All of that means that they can each have their own time. While one is bouncing or playing I try to sit with the other and have some one on one time. It gets easier, I promise.
Sorry to hear you are struggling OP and although I know nothing about multiples/twins (just want one)! you are always welcome to PM me if you ever need a new friend
Wow, total respect to you - I found twin babies a struggle and I don't have any other kids. Two things I thought of: first, a twin baby carrier? Then you don't have to choose between them for cuddles. And have you asked about getting a Homestart volunteer? A single parent with 3 month old twins, I'm sure they would send you someone.
Oh yes and second what andadietcoke said. It gets much easier at about the 4/5 month mark, if for no other reason than you can manhandle them a bit more so it's easier to cuddle two! I was always a bit scared of getting them up into my arms at the same time when they were tiny.
Oh and people who say "I don't know how you cope" - gah. Yeah, I'm really effing tired, and I have low standards, that's how I cope.
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