Is it possible to cope without help?

[utterlyconfused]

A friend of mine has just had boy/girl twins. She already has 2 dd's, 5 and 3. They are quite demanding girls.
I spoke to her yesterday, her first day home, and she was already stressed about the older two. Her mum is staying for a week to help, and after that, she has a teenager from across the road coming in to help. dd1 starts school in August.
Do those of you who know what it's like think it's possible, given that no family live close by, to get through these early months without professional help?

[2plus2plus1]

Hi,

I managed it, tho admittedly with just the twins, no older children. DP working all day & into the evening. Mum lives 90min drive away & doesn't drive. In laws live 60+mins away but have busy lives, only managing weekend visits. Didn't really have any friends that were close enough to ask for help at the, apart from one that had just had a miscarriage & FIL death so didn't want to impose on her. If help is available I would of course have taken it (it still would some days).

HTH

[moondog]

Could Home Start or Sure Start help??
Also college nearby,offering NNEB (or CACHE) training may be able to help.

It sounds like a f*cking nightmare....

[KTeePee]

I would echo what Moondog said about Homestart and trying local colleges - our local one definitely used to help families with twins. Her HV might be able to offer other suggestions.

[frumpygrumpy]

Hi utterlyconfused

Direct her straight to this part of MNet and straight to the thread titled "D'y ever wonder how life got like this". We struggling plate spinners use that thread almost on a daily basis and there is always someone to let off steam to. (I do tons and it has saved my sanity). The girls there are wonderful - Kelly has 4 kids (DTs plus an older boy and girl), I have DTs plus an older DD and Mars has DTs and THREE older children.

Personally, I couldn't have coped without help but only she can decide how, when and who. I have hated having to have help but my DP works away most of the time and I have a lady comes in two afternoons to sit with the DTs so I can pick up my DD from school and take her to a gym class. I also pop the DTs in to nursery one day a week. They are now 23 months.

At the newborn stage I found it so demanding, so all consuming, so constant and what I found hardest was seeing my relationship with my older DD change so harshly. Then she started school (like your friend) and trying to do the school run and get all those bodies in and out of cars and buggys juggling breakfast, feeds and nappies, oh no, SHE NEEDS HELP!!!

Since she needs more hands rather than a qualified professional she could maybe employ someone who likes babies rather than a nanny. But I think she might need more time than the teenager can spare.

I didn't feel the dust settling a bit until the DTs were around 4/5 months. Even now its a bit crazy.

Obviously a lot depends on finances. BUT if she can afford it then being able to do the school run a couple of times a week on my own to listen to my DD totally on her own was a huge benefit to me. The walk from the car to the school was therapuetic, quiet time where I could reflect and get perspective.

I told you I didn't do short answers .

Get her on here, tell her to make a big mug of tea and read some of our thread. I wish her all the best, these early days are exhausting.

[Kelly1978]

hi, uc, your friend's dds are the same age that my two were when my dts were born. It is fiendishly hard and stressful work, and in some ways it doesn't even get any easier, but I think you just learn coping strategies and get better at dealing with it. I had no family support, through the first year and I got through it so it is possible.
I've been lucky to have a very supportive dp, without whom it would have been impossible. If she is anyhting like me, she will need somone that she can stress out too, a shoulder to cry on sometimes. Would give one piece of advice - get them all into a routine of early bedtimes asap - mien all go to bed at 6-6.30. With four children, downtime is essential! Also, agree with fg, get her over to the twin mums thread.

[goldenoldie]

Agree with FG and moondog - if she can afford it, get some help ASAP. If she can't afford it, maybe some nice neighbours can help out with collecting a bit of shopping and the like?

I also found that some parents of DS1 school friends were happy to have him play over at their house much more, without expecting reciprication. That helped too.

I've had a cleaner from before day 1 with my DTs and older DS1, and a day nanny for half a day a week from when babies were about 12 weeks. Cleaner and nanny kept me sane.

Really don't think I could have done it (very well, or happily) with no help.

[zamed]

I take my hat (and everything else off) to anyone who can do it alone . I have 3 older girls (10, 8, 3) and almost 8 week old twins. My husband is of the rare stay-at-home kind, so he'll be the one going it alone when I return to work in September . If he's out taking the older girls swimming etc, I call on my mum - haven't worked out how to breastfeed two guzzlers (and it's pretty constant late in the day), or get them into bed without waking at least one, and feed myself.
So, any tips most gratefully received!

[accordiongirl]

Anything's possible - but not good... If you don't have help the babies will spend a lot of time crying