anyone having issues wih accepting child advice?

(47 Posts)
1boy1girl1mom Sat 05-May-12 14:46:56

Well I thought the idea of it would be easier than I thought not easy just easier than it seems to be. You know how it seems I maybe it's just my kids but aren't black people's features stronger than white people's genetically? I knew that and I thought I could look pass that and I am in that I don't want to give them up or wish I would have made other choices than to parent. I'm still content with the decision I know I am a better person because I chose to parent it improved my life. I started out jobless homeless essentially and struggling with substance abuse because a serial of traumatic events I'd probably still be the person I once was when I found out I was pregnant I was first scared and shocked I had no signs for 18 weeks besides a missed period. I got clean in that time and looked into adoption... Then 3 months later I decided I wanted to parent and from then on I haven't changed that from being the goal of being the best parent I can to them... I work two jobs and have pretty much had to do it all on my own... I am happy that it's this way then like before. I do of course love them and have ever since they were born. It's just like one thing I love them it's still hard to see them as mine when they look like all of him... Like for one being so young it's weird like lactation and breastfeeding seems so weird like unusual for me to be doing... I guess I have been a child so long it's hard to believe I'm a woman and a mom to 2 kids really is different... It's weird I'm a mom when a second ago I was so naive to the world... People see me and think I need parental consent for everything it seems. That's kind of an unreal feeling... Also second thing is why I posted this in here. Well I'm German American. Blonde with blue eyes. Pretty typical all-american look though. So I guess I don't look pure German even though I am. Anyway well my step-dad's Swedish American and like a real supremacist at that. He analyzes every feature like he seems to always know who's what race... He mom my sister and most of my immediate family have seen my kids. No one seems to notice they're biracial that they're half black. When I see Jude I know he's not white but he doesn't look really bblack like eskimo native american mexican maybe even hawaiian. my daughter just looks white mostly because of my light features she has. It's not exactly their that is a little difficult to get used to it;s that they just look like him... When I see them it's hard for me to see them as my children really like because they look so much like him. My son has his nose mouth eyes and hair color. My daughter has his nose and mouth as well. I worry if it gets less bearable or easier as of now it's getting easier but idk what the future holds just that I care about them more than anything. Despite how they came to be I just wish I could accept them.... I don't dislike them for it I know they are just innocent babies who I care about deeply but connecting as a mother-daughter or mother to son bonds are hard to when I don't see myself but I'm working on it. It's just another struggle I guess. I know most have loving relationships with the one they had an ir relationship with here however obviously that isn't the case here. The reminder isn't pleasant but I know I can do anything for them.

CallMeAl Sat 05-May-12 14:48:30

I tried to read that, I really did. But now I need anadin.

Do you want to try re-posting with some paragraphs, or even some gaps?

squeakytoy Sat 05-May-12 14:48:50

eh???? confused confused

madmouse Sat 05-May-12 14:49:41

OP please do what the previous poster advised. This is not readable.

AgentZigzag Sat 05-May-12 14:51:12

You're OP is a bit of a jumble, but are you saying your family are racist and you think they'll take against your children if they notice they have a father who isn't white?

And they haven't noticed so far?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 05-May-12 14:52:28

Op, are you saying that you are a young mother of twins conceived through rape? And you're distressed because your babies look like him?

Kayano Sat 05-May-12 14:53:55

So your kids are mixed race

And now you struggle to accept them because they are mixed race with 'black' features? But stiil v fair skin?

biscuit

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt Sat 05-May-12 14:54:48

Are you saying that you have baby twins and are not with the father. You are white and he is black and that your babies have a lot of the fathers features so you are having trouble bonding because all you see in them are his features and not yours?

diddl Germany Sat 05-May-12 14:58:18

"Op, are you saying that you are a young mother of twins conceived through rape? And you're distressed because your babies look like him?"

That´s what I also got from it.

OP-please come back & clarify.

Sparklingbrook Sat 05-May-12 15:00:16

That's how I read it IHave.

It sounds like your children were conceived in violence, is that right? If so I greatly admire you for deciding to be a mum to them. I can see how that (assuming I've understood you properly) and the fact that they don't look like you may be making bonding a bit tricky. How old are they? And how old are you?

Two pieces of advice come to.mind. The first is that perhaps counselling would be beneficial, could help you work through your feelings. Sometimes it takes talking to a complete stranger to help us realise how we really feel.

The second piece of advice is more of an opinion really - anyone who would think less of you because your children are mixed race, or who causes you problems and upset because of it, isn't worth the shit on your shoes. In my opinion. Do you have other family and/or support?

AgentZigzag Sat 05-May-12 15:01:39

It's clear whatever you're trying to deal with OP, you're finding it difficult to put it into words.

That's understandable.

Are you able to post again to say which bits are the most important to you?

It might be more help to you than posters just guessing.

Sparklingbrook Sat 05-May-12 15:02:22

I think it sort of all poured out didn't it OP?

diddl Germany Sat 05-May-12 15:04:25

Could some posters perhaps put in some thought before just barging in with an "I can´t read this the way it is"

CallMeAl Sat 05-May-12 15:06:28

I did, I was trying to help OP to get more and sensible answers. I'm not being facetious, I literally cannot read that, and I'm sure other people think the same.
Doesn't help OP to have everyone guessing at what her post is about?

Sparklingbrook Sat 05-May-12 15:08:08

I read it. When you are a bit upset and down maybe paragraphs aren't top of the list? I hope the OP comes back but wouldn't be surprised if they didn't after that sort of response.

diddl Germany Sat 05-May-12 15:10:25

But you could paragraph it yourself to make it easier for you to read!

OP-you might want to get this moved to Relationships?

Sometimes people do just pile in on this "Am I Being Unreasonable" section.

CallMeAl Sat 05-May-12 15:11:30

and some people accuse others of piling in or being rude when they are trying to be helpful.

NarkedPuffin Sat 05-May-12 15:11:43

Hopefully, as time moves on, you'll start to see those features as your Dc's rather than as a reminder of that person.

D0oinMeCleanin Sat 05-May-12 15:12:09

'Despite how they came to be I just wish I could accept them' <-does that sentance not say enough?

OP I am very sorry you are struggling with this. Maybe you could consider some counselling? It would be confidential and your family need never know but you do need to talk in real life with someone about this.

I gather you are in America? I have no clue what services are available in America that would be helpful to you but we do have some american posters who might know.

Sparklingbrook Sat 05-May-12 15:12:09

It's getting like that diddl. If it's in AIBU you can say what you like to the OP apparently.

savoycabbage Sat 05-May-12 15:13:49

You will see yourself. You will. My dc are mixed race too but one of them has all of my stubbornness and the other has my grumpiness in the morning.

One sleeps like me and the other puts her thumb under her index finger when she is anxious like me.

One reads the "famous five" all the time (I wanted to go on Mastermind with the specialist subject ofvthe famous five. The other one walks exactly like my mother.

People will think that they aren't yours every now and then. I always say 'I made them myself' if anyone asks.

1boy1girl1mom Sat 05-May-12 15:16:44

yea it was from violence I have looked into counseling not had any lessons yet my family is slightly racist not seriously wouldn't matter I'm not into them or care what they think

diddl Germany Sat 05-May-12 15:16:45

"and some people accuse others of piling in or being rude when they are trying to be helpful."

If that was directed at me, my comment wasn´t directed at you.

It was a general comment about how AIBU can be at times.

insancerre Sat 05-May-12 15:17:40

reposted with breaks

Well I thought the idea of it would be easier than I thought not easy just easier than it seems to be.
You know how it seems I maybe it's just my kids but aren't black people's features stronger than white people's genetically? I knew that and I thought I could look pass that and I am in that I don't want to give them up or wish I would have made other choices than to parent.
I'm still content with the decision I know I am a better person because I chose to parent it improved my life.

I started out jobless homeless essentially and struggling with substance abuse because a serial of traumatic events I'd probably still be the person I once was when I found out I was pregnant I was first scared and shocked I had no signs for 18 weeks besides a missed period.
I got clean in that time and looked into adoption... Then 3 months later I decided I wanted to parent and from then on I haven't changed that from being the goal of being the best parent I can to them...
I work two jobs and have pretty much had to do it all on my own... I am happy that it's this way then like before. I do of course love them and have ever since they were born.
It's just like one thing I love them it's still hard to see them as mine when they look like all of him...
Like for one being so young it's weird like lactation and breastfeeding seems so weird like unusual for me to be doing...
I guess I have been a child so long it's hard to believe I'm a woman and a mom to 2 kids really is different...
It's weird I'm a mom when a second ago I was so naive to the world..
. People see me and think I need parental consent for everything it seems. That's kind of an unreal feeling...

Also second thing is why I posted this in here. Well I'm German American. Blonde with blue eyes. Pretty typical all-american look though. So I guess I don't look pure German even though I am.
Anyway well my step-dad's Swedish American and like a real supremacist at that. He analyzes every feature like he seems to always know who's what race...
He mom my sister and most of my immediate family have seen my kids. No one seems to notice they're biracial that they're half black. When I see Jude I know he's not white but he doesn't look really bblack like eskimo native american mexican maybe even hawaiian. my daughter just looks white mostly because of my light features she has. It's not exactly their that is a little difficult to get used to it;s that they just look like him...
When I see them it's hard for me to see them as my children really like because they look so much like him. My son has his nose mouth eyes and hair color. My daughter has his nose and mouth as well.
I worry if it gets less bearable or easier as of now it's getting easier but idk what the future holds just that I care about them more than anything. Despite how they came to be I just wish I could accept them....
I don't dislike them for it I know they are just innocent babies who I care about deeply but connecting as a mother-daughter or mother to son bonds are hard to when I don't see myself but I'm working on it. It's just another struggle I guess. I know most have loving relationships with the one they had an ir relationship with here however obviously that isn't the case here. The reminder isn't pleasant but I know I can do anything for them.

Do you have any support? How old are your children?

ReindeerBollocks Sat 05-May-12 15:24:36

I think counselling to come to terms with the violence you have faced would be a good idea. It might also help you come to terms with your feelings towards your DC. You sound like you love them very much, but are just reminded of how they came to be? I feel for you, it must be a really difficult situation, but as another poster said, once your babies become older and their personalities develop you will see past this and will be able to bond better with them.

Are your family supportive? It is always a shock becoming a parent, even more so in the circumstances you have had to deal with. I hope you have a good MW/HV and can get access to support ASAP. Look after yourself OP.

Sparklingbrook Sat 05-May-12 15:25:45

I think counselling is essential. You need to talk through all this.

1boy1girl1mom Sat 05-May-12 17:35:50

thanks insancere

Pandemoniaa Sat 05-May-12 17:39:55

my family is slightly racist not seriously

Isn't it as impossible to be slightly racist as it is to be slightly pregnant?

1boy1girl1mom Sat 05-May-12 18:01:02

sorry I can't edit this thread I didn't mean to put this here actually in themulticultural section however I guess wrong page...

I had some support from a friend overall I'm managing overall...

I'm 18 and my twins are 6 weeks almost.... I have been in therapy in the past to help me get here... I guess though it's hard to admit I thought I could look pass it in many ways I do I guess it's just happening slower than usual...

There's no set length of time that it takes to recover from rape, if recover is even the right word. I was raped when I was 18 and although it's long past it can still affect me. To be doing as well as you seem to be, with babies, is very impressive. But there's nothing wrong with needing and asking for help, whether from friends, family or professionals.

You sound very caring about your babies. Can you tell us some positive things about them or your life with them? smile

Sparklingbrook Sat 05-May-12 18:15:17

If you want the thread moved OP just report it to Munsnet and they can move it for you.

Sparklingbrook Sat 05-May-12 18:15:35

Mumsnet obviously.

WhippingGirl Sat 05-May-12 18:36:31

Hi op. now you have said the babies are 6 weeks it kind of makes more sense. Now I think what you are saying is that you feel anxious about your family's reaction when the kids get bigger because their bi racial features may be much more pronounced then. Defining the race of a baby at birth is near impossible and maybe they still look sort of generic at 6 weeks. Is this what you mean?
I love your nickname btw it's very sweet.
It sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate and I think you are looking for some direction.
Are you close to your family? In the relationship sense and geographical? Do you have social support around you? Are there any groups for young mums near you?
I wish you all the best smile

Darkling Sat 05-May-12 18:42:40

OP have you thought about going to see your doctor, it's possible you are suffering from depression either postnatally or as a result of the circumstances surrounding conception of your twins, sounds like you could do with a helping hand, I'm sure you will come to accept your children as yours in time, sometimes it takes longer for the bond to come.

Thankgodforcaffeine Sat 05-May-12 18:53:24

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say well done for getting yourself through so much. I am sure posters with more experience / qualifications than me will give you plenty of good advice.

You are doing the right thing reaching out for help

Best of luck for everything OP thanks

PurplePidjin Sat 05-May-12 19:06:01

So you're an 18yo ex addict and victim of rape who has chosen to raise your children? Wow, that takes courage and deserves respect!

Your step dad sounds like an arse, can you limit contact with him?

Ps this is a mainly British forum, mixed race children don't face the same prejudices here as in many parts of the USA. Your beautiful children are just that - yours and beautiful.

misslala1987 Wed 09-May-12 20:31:14

ok i found that really really hard to read. your children were concieved through a violent situation? well the minute you found out you were pregnant (and knew that they were half black) why didnt you consider a termination? alot of women consider termination because they feel they are either not financially stable enough to have a child/children or they arent in a stable relationship or they just arent ready for motherhood which last a lifetime! but you had your children and youre finding difficulty bonding because theyre features clearly represent who they are???? im so, so confused. they are your babies, no matter who fathered them, no matter what they look like or how old they get, they will ALWAYS be your babies. theres mothers out there that have children with down syndrome and other serious conditions that distort their facial features or effect their behaviour yet they still bond with them from birth BECAUSE ITS THEIR CHILD! yet your complaining because you knowingly gave birth to mixed race children and 'shock horro' THEY CAME OUT AND LOOK MIXED RACE?!! i have 3 mixed race children (half white british/ half black carribean) they are all very light, one is practically white with golden hair. my other half is not light skinned at all, though they look like him aswell as me so maybe my genes were abit stronger (im white) but soooo what? now if you mean you find it hard sometimes looking at them because of their father being voilent then yes you should go seek counselling RIGHT NOW! because they need you and they do not deserve a mother who finds it hard being with them. you mentioned your father being a supremicist? well keep him the hell away from your children! they are your no1 priority now and what ever you have to do to be the best parent to them you can be, do it! im sorry to rant but reading your thread really got my back up, you need to be proud of your children and embrace their mix of cultures because if you dont then you could end up damaging them mentally in the long run

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 09-May-12 20:39:05

I'm glad the Op isn't likely to read that rant, misslala. A young woman, raped, abused, perhaps unable to access the fantastic facilities available here on the NHS because she's not here... She's already beating herself up about her inability to bond, have a little empathy!

PurplePidjin Wed 09-May-12 20:44:57

What OldLady said, plus please don't criticize other people's listing style then make exactly the same mistake yourself hmm

insancerre Wed 09-May-12 21:05:49

what they said^^

misslala1987 Fri 11-May-12 07:54:22

im not trying to be insincere, but its a scarey situation because those children need a mother and they need love and protection (for god sake her fathers a white supremercist!) she needs counselling now. and shes finding it hard looking at them because they have their fathers features, but shes clearly pointing out their race, so shes making the fact that they are mixed an issue which to me isnt right. whatever situation shes been through, her childrens race shouldnt have anything to do with that. she should get counselling for whatever has happened but if she turns around to the counsellor and says 'and theyre mixed, they have black features' what you dont think the counsellors going to pick up on that as being an issue? i just dont understand why shes come onto a chat about multiracial families about this, wouldnt she go on to a chat about rape/abuse?

1boy1girl1mom Sun 13-May-12 01:19:17

it's so peaceful when they sleep if only for a moment. I could not abort I was over 4 months when I found out I tried to get one but well in the days leading up I had no help and the adoption agency offered to help I guess I was just in the now by the time I could get one I already had a family who claimed they'd adopt but instead they fell through their loss. I love them just don't see them as mine. Of course I said it in the beginning.And a bit of me thinks down syndrome should never be compared with mixed racial background. It's not that they're a different race that they're like him... I am getting used to that just never thought I'd have children that look like little versions of him. And like I said skin tone wise they aren't dark but they're very young... I'm in counselling but that takes time I show I give my all to my kids still even despite the daily reminder. It's a task easier said than done really.

My dad's not racist that's my step-dad. And I ran away from them for a reason of course I'm not around them much. Really not recognized racism in my area much just in the family. I mean I'd think it would be something to getover now that our president is biracial. I'm very protective over my kids. I devote everything I got to mking their lives the best I can. I just said I didn't feel related not that I hate them because I don't

Wheezo Sun 13-May-12 01:55:52

Gosh my heart goes out to you OP. It must be so incredibly hard for you to see their father in them and you are doing so well to have got this far. You might not feel this right now but your daughter and son are very lucky to have you as their mum.

For what it's worth 2 things:

1. There have been lots of threads on here about mums bonding with their babies and there are plenty of mums who, without your difficult circumstances, grow to bond with their babies. I definitely didn't have a thunderbolt of love - protective, yes, and you say the same - but not this immediate LOVE other mums spoke of. The first few months are hugely overwhelming emotionally, hormonally even with a supportive family, supportive father on the scene and one baby, not two. Give yourself a break and try not to worry about 'seeing them as yours' if you're worried this is not allowing you to bond. Keep on with the counselling, access as much support and help as you can and take it day by day.

2. Some studies suggest that babies tend to resemble their fathers when born to ensure that fathers recognise them as their own and support their upbringing - as an evolutionary development (since maternity of child is never in doubt but paternity of a child can be in doubt). It's certainly not conclusive but kind of makes sense and certainly my son (mixed race) resembled his father exclusively at birth (apart from the colour of his skin which is very light). 2 years on and he is far more of a mix and I can see my chin and my eyes (shape not colour) - but as other posters have said, it's all the mannerisms and the way he speaks which are mostly mine because he spends more of his time with me. They change and grow so quickly but because you are with them all the time you will probably not notice as quickly as other people.

Please keep posting for support even if you're just thinking aloud - it's good to process all the emotions and thoughts as you go - especially the ones you don't feel you can voice in real life - mumsnet is great for support despite some individual posters giving a good impression of the contrary for the moment - I promise you will find lots of support here.

Are you living away from your step-dad and family at the moment? Have your family met the babies already or are you worried about this?

Zhx3 Sun 13-May-12 02:22:46

OP, you have been through so much. It is overwhelming, and I wish you the bestof luck.

I don't know much about what's available in the US, but if you can access counselling, I would suggest you try it, both regarding the sexual violence you experienced, and your feelings about your babies.

The posters on the childhood sexual abuse thread recommended Pandora's Aquarium www.pandys.org, which is an American based organisation supporting survivors of rape and sexual violence. You might find it useful?

BarbJohnson5 Fri 18-Jan-13 12:38:27

Sounds like a cry out for help to me. OP - from what i've read you're struggling to come to terms that the children you gave birth to are yours. Yes they are yours. You carried them for 9 months, right? It may be hard to accept them because of the circumstance in which they were conceived. I cannot say how you should feel with that regard, because you know what you went through. All i can say is, it will take time, but i feel you need to forgive the father(s) for their callousness, crass and uncaring behaviour towards you. You're forgiving them for YOU. Forgiveness releases us from a bondage. Your children no doubt loves you with an unspeakable love that no one truly understands. Its that amazing. Whatever you do, please don't resent them for their fathers sins. They're innocent and you chose to birth them. I believe that you love them, but you just haven't gotten over what happened with you and their father. I also believe that you need a network of support for women in similar situations as yourself. Perhaps even a few friends with mixed children, who will help you get over the hurdle of looking at children differently. If you were in love with your partner, then chances are you wouldn't even look at your children in any way other than yours. My children really resemble their father, but as far as i'm concerned they've got the best features and i love them like nothing on this planet. I know my circumstances are different to yours, but the love that i have just cancels out anything i may feel towards my ex husband. Hope you've had the opportunity to get some help where ever in the world you are. As for your racist family. There is no such thing as slightly racist. Its either they are or they aren't. If they are, then you know you no longer have that support network there. As i've said, there are many forums/groups out there that you can join, so do some searching and find some inner peace and happiness. Blessings x

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