anyone english with a bengali husband?(131 Posts)
hi just wanting to chat with any other mums with mixed race kids and all the challenges it brings
come along surely im not the only one
Me!! Im English and my DH is bengali.
I have been married since 2002 but we have been together since 1993 but its been a struggle.
We have a daughter who will be 5 in July and a son who has just turned 3.
Feel free to message me
hi halzer i was thinking i was the only one !!.
ive been with my husband for 11 years now we have 3 kids a son who is 10yrs old a daughter who is 7yrs old and another son who is 21months.
is your husband a muslim and more to the point are you???
im not he didnt want me to convert and niether would i had he even asked.
does you dh have any family in this country? mine doesnt .
LOL! Your DH doesnt have any family here? Lucky you! Mine has the whole clan! His mum and dad plus EIGHT other brothers and sisters, along with their wives and kids.
My husband is Muslim in name only. He doesnt practice the religion, although he occasionally fasts during Ramadhan and celebrates Eid.
Im not muslim but I have 'dabbled' in Islam when I was younger, but in my old age I have come to the conclusion that religion as a whole doesnt really add up to me. Im spiritual but I dont choose to follow any particular rules or rituals.
When I first got married I lived with my inlaws for a number of reasons. Firstly, to prove to my MIL that not all english women are like Kat Slater from Eastenders ( which was her original perception of me). Also, I wanted to learn the language as my MIL cant speak English so I wanted to make sure I understood Bengali incase she made any trouble for me...lucky I learnt as I had trouble a-go-go!! Also I wanted to learn to cook bengali dishes. I even wore a sari all the time for a while when I was there.
I dont live with them anymore and it wasnt easy when I was there, but at least they cant say that I didnt want to intergrate with them. Im back in my jeans now! Woohooo!
My MIL would have a heart attack if she knew I wore them! hahah!
We are meant to be going to Bangladesh later this year. It will be my kids and my first time.
Wish me luck...
No,my dh is Welsh but he works in Bangladesh and i am about to go out there.
Looking forward to it.
Halzer,how noble of you to make such an effort. Was it appreciated?
Is Bengali easy to learn?
I thought they call it Bangla in Bangladesh?
Hi there, slightly different in that my dad was Bengali and my mum's English so I am one of those mixed race kids! Not sure whether that's any help for you, and my dad was Hindu as well, but if you want to chat or ask anything, just say!
hi halzer thats so brave of you to live with the in laws or should that be out laws haha
all my dh's family are back in bangladesh he came to england 15years ago,when we met his english was bad but over the years he has mastered it .does you dh work in the resturant trade mine did when we were first together but now he works for an upmarket supermarket.
we have never been over to bangladesh together and to be honest i dont think i would want to .i dislike one sister in particular for making our lives a misery thru begging so much to send money although the man she married recently owns his own hardware store over there.
he has been put under alot of stress to provide for us and them its just not fair.
he is the only son and im sure you know that it means that he has to provide now that his father has passed away.your lucky that you havent experienced it.
Well my DH came here when he was 4 so he is more British than Bangladeshi. He doesnt work in the restaurant trade but the family own their own restaurant where two of my BIL's also work.
I know the feeling about sending money overseas. His extended family seem to think that London = Loaded, but they are acutally better off than us if you discount the currency value!
Frm what I understand from the culture, your DH has no obligation to provide for his sister now that she is married, as she has left 'that side' of the family and gone over to her husbands family. I myself dont mind helping anyone in genuine need, but taking money just because they can is another matter altogether. It really annoys me when we are struggling to pay the council tax and mortgages and they we have to send £1000 over there for a wall to be built or something. sigh
hi halzer dont you think this whole mixed race marriage is way harder that a normal one?
i just cant get my head around the fact that his family would rather we go bankrupt then to stop harrassing us for money,my husband suffers from bouts of depression brought on by all the stress .
his family and all the millions of extended family phone us constantly day and night ,its awful and i cant help but dislike them.
my dh has told them so many times that we havent got any money to send them but this does nothing to deter them.
they think that like you said london= money but how wrong they are.
me and the kids have never met any of his family and to be honest i like it that way.
how does your family get on with your dh?
mine dont get him at all and exclude him from family get togethers or tell him that they are having pork for dinner.....nice hey!
MOONDOG...sorry I didnt see your message amongst all of my waffle! LOL!
Were/are my efforts apprieciated? Hhmm...the jury is still out on that one. My DH and his family speak the Sylheti dialect of the language (most Bangladeshi's in the UK speak this) but its not easy to learn because the language courses that are available are all in 'proper' bengali which is the countrys official version of the language. I had to learn it by ear but it hasnt been that hard I guess...
3Kids...LOL, I think mixed marriages are harder when the familys start getting involved and cause trouble for the couple just because of the cultural differences. That has been my number one headache, especially from my MIL and other 'gossipy' old women.
My family arent that close but my mum didnt want me dating my DH when we were 16. She even went into his workplace and told his boss that my DH was no good beause he was a Muslim. The boss laughed and said that he couldnt comment as he too was Muslim!! My mum felt so stupid! However she adores my kids but when her and my DH meet they engage in polite chit-chat, but there isnt really anything in it. My dad works in Saudi and I have no idea what he really thinks.
The main reason I dont want to go to Bangladesh is because I will have pressure from my MIL, as I will be the 'new bride' again. Im going to have to re-prove myself to a whole set of new people and that really p*sses me off. Plus...I hate having to bow down and touch peoples feet, but as I have never meet the extended family before, I might as well crawl around over there to save time as there are so many of them..
hi halzer dont you just think life would be so much nicer with an english man ,sorry i know that sounds awful but i think that without all that added pressure life would be kinder to our family.
my dh isnt from sylhet region hes from a place called comilla,so he had to learn a new way of speaking bengali when he came here.
do your kids speak/understand bengali? my dh has always spoke english to them so they havent picked it up which is a shame as kids are more receptive to another language at a young age.
they dont associate them selves as half bengali at all but thats partly because they dont have any of his family around to encourage them.and maybe a bit to do with me .
my dh is always watching the bengali channels on tv and the kids just cant stand it .do you have that trouble?
his family were completly fine with him marrying me as they are open minded and the mothers brother was married to a german lady
so that paved the way.
whats up with the no pork thing do you get it??????????????????????????????????????
Interesting Halzer,sounds like all you gilrs put up with a lot.
Marrying a foreigner is hard wherever they are from though isn't it?
My sisters are both married to non Brits.
I am married to a Bengali man and I am half Turkish half English.
I have had loads of trouble with family, mine adore DH but not the rest of his family and we went through a very hard time with them where I actually thought about divorce constantly.
I hate the touching feet thing as I am Muslim by birth but that it a distinctly hindu tradition.... I actually just pretend.
Plus, I refuse to cover my head in MIL presence and she hates me for it.
MOst of our issues tho have been to do with them interferring with my kids.
Good luck on your trip Halzer.... I am picking up Bengali but again for the same reason is I like to know what is being said, and i assure you there is plenty.
I'm another one... my husband is Bengali-British (born here) and my in laws speak Shyleti (which my 3-yo already speaks better than me!). I've got to say I actually like sitting there blissfully ignorant of what's being said... feel it kind of lets me off the hook!
We got together in 1998 and finally married in 2004 after years of trying to split up because we didn't know how on earth we were going to deal with the family issue. But hey, love prevailed and the first time I met my parents-in-law was on my wedding day. As I say, we had no idea how it was going to work but we took the plunge and touch wood we're still muddling through somehow and have two gorgeous boys to show for it.
I could wax lyrical on all the issues we're dealing with but suffice to say I can relate to lots of what some of you are saying. It's been quite a journey for my husband and me trying to negotiate the minefield of expectations and differences from both sides. But when it's just us and the boys in our own little world eating curry with crumble for afters I think our two cultures make a lovely combination
I think you hit the nail on the head duchesss. When it is just your little family unit it is just perfect.
Are any of you in London?
I am pakistani and my husband english.he converted to Islam.He does not drink prays sometimes and only eats halal meat.We did not date but met at work.There were major problems at work when we got together as a no of girls became very hostile towards me.
LOL...I agree with you too Duchess! When its just the four of us its great. But usually when the inlaws around its like a dramatical scene from a Bollywood movie! Haha!
I live in London. Whereabouts are you all?
I live in NW London. I am sure I read on another thread that you are the East London / Ilford type area Halzer. My family and friends live round there as I am a Walthamstow girl originally.
can anyone pls pls tell me how i can learn sylheti bengali im desperate ive been married to my husband for 21 yrs and we have 7 kids his family disowned him because he married me i am half white half indian but i am muslim please can anyone help
yes, i'm married to a bengali burmese mix who was born and bred in london. i'm american but my dad is kashmiri. we got married in 2006 an are expecting our first baby in a few weeks.but for some reason they refer to me as the pakistani.
my immediate inlaws aren't bad at all. we didn't have to live with them and they are quite easy to get a long with. i did have a clash with my sister in law who has been consistently rude to me and my family and also with his cousin because because he keeps trying to tell me the family would rather not have me at family events. said cousins father also seems to have a problem with the fact that we took some time away from the family after we got married to settle in to married life.
as far as going to bangladesh, i'm not very interested in going and husband is perfectly fine with us not visiting the relatives over seas as long as we send cards for eid, birthdays and make a call at least once a year.
ooh, i live in st johns wood.
hi every1 well all i can say is my husband is absolutly wonderful in everyway except one, for some reason he never taught any of his children bengali and even though i have tried to find someone to teach me over the years ive never been successful and even after all these years only know a handful of words in bengali, i love the films and the music though as for his family they can all rot in hell as far as i am concerned they made both my husbands and my kids life and mine a misery they are just a bunch of money grabbing fools
i'm soo sorry that your ils have been awful to you...
as for bengali--my husband can't speak it, read it or write it. so i doubt any of our children will be able to either. will they be alienated from bengali kids? my inlaws don't seem to think it's that important as long as we raise them somewhat muslim.
I learnt my bengali from living with my inlaws. They speak the Sylheti dialect which is almost impossible to learn at a language school as they dont teach it. Its always the 'proper' Bengali that they teach.
I had to learn just to keep a check on what my MIL and SIL were saying about me...
They are like vultures circling me, waiting for me to make a mistake so they can swoop down and peck the crap out of me.
I think all us married-to-bengali mums should have a meet up. It would be sort of theraputic to talk about our experiences and know that people understand what you are on about.
yeah, i'd love a meet up. ever since i moved to london and married my husband finding friends that have any chances of understanding me are hard to find.
Oh no you lot are putting me off!!!
I have been dating my new partner for 6 months now, I am english and he is from Bangladesh and he has lived here for the past 8 years. His immediate family are still back there but he does have 2 uncles over here.
He is muslim and he takes his religion seriously. He is a lovely man but I do worry about our differences. I have 2 children who he adores but wonder what his family think of this as like some of you i can not understand the conversation when he is on the phone to them.
He sends half of his earnings to his family in Bangladesh and is putting his own dreams on hold because of this which i worry about because he would love to go to university (he is currently a manager in an indian restautant) but everytime he saves some money up one of his siblings seems to need something and he takes his responsibilty very seriously and always just gives them it.
my husbands family is Bangladeshi and Muslim... and they are amazing. He's pretty great too. In fact I had to entertain 35 of them this weekend and I had gotten too sick to do anything, my mother in law had done most of the cooking anyway and then on the day of handled everything like an angel. I might make make a statue of her in gold and send it somewhere to be put in a shrine. I love the woman.
although, sending 50% of earnings is something i would never allow my husband to do since we're starting a family and people should learn to rely on themselves. My father in law asked my husband to send money over to help his less fortunate cousins but my husband pointed out that they had the same opportunities as everyone else so they could find jobs. jobs aren't as hard to find as they claim, they just like to sit around and let the money come in from over seas.
Its difficult for me to say anything about the money really as we have only been together 6 months and we dont live together but i just think that sending half of his money is making his life very difficult especially now that the cost of living here is so high. He wants to better himself but everytime he saves some money someone in his family seems to have a crisis.
He would also like to go to visit his family next year but at this rate he wont be able to afford the air fare. I earn a decent living but I know he would be offended if offered to help him financially.
I try very hard to respect his beliefs and religion but sometimes find it difficult but i suppose it will get easier. He is a lovely caring man and we are happy together and my kids think the world of him, but I am not so sure his family approve.
i understand where you are in your relationship. i was just commenting on the money issue incase you guys decide to have the 'which way is this relationship going' ... i know that in all my relationships we get to that conversation after we hit our 6 month mark (usually in the middle of the 7th month). (not trying to scare you).
Yeah I understand, he just sees the money side of it as 'his culture', he says its what is expected of him.
I dont see how our relationship can move on while he is doing this, there is no way we could move in together with only half of his income available to us, but hopefully both of his brothers have jobs lined up in other countries so once they are earning the pressure should be less on him.
i see how touch and go it is. i'm just curious to know at what point you might lose interest or if you will? you seem very understanding and patient.
I am very happy with him and I think he is with me, he is always telling me how special I am and that I am also his best friend. But he is desperate to get out of working in a restaurant as he works 6 nights a week which is hard for both of us. He wants to get a better job so he can provide for us as he is a very proud man and doesnt want me providing for him but he is never going to be able to go to college or university while he is sending so much money back home.
I also worry about the religious side of things, is your husband a practising muslim as my partner is.
I hope we will continue with our relationship as he is a very caring, honest and genuine man, but its not easy is it, he is culturally very different from me as he lived in bangladesh til he was 28 and speaks to family and friends in bengali which i obviously dont speak.
yes, my husband is a practicing muslim... but that just means he prays, no alcohol, no pork products and stayed a virgin till we got married (which is why we got married at 22). He fasts, but never goes to the mosque and he doesn't really talk to other muslims. my father is also a muslim but my mother is jewish so i'm not really anything.
he's also a very proud fellow. i'm more than welcome to have a job but not allowed to use any of my personal money for the home/kids...my husband was born and raised here in London and doesn't speak any Bengali...but i think my ils would like me to learn anyway.
Thanks for your help.
I am just trying to anticipate things so that should problems arise I have at least thought about thngs.
My partner too prays everyday, no alcohol, no pork, only eats halal meat, goes to mosque on a friday etc but has not been married and is 36 and although he has had very little experience sexually he was not a virgin when we met.
All of his friends (well mostly work collegues actually) are either bengali or indian muslims (not as strict about their religion as he is though) so I worry about 'fitting in'. As yet I have only met a couple of them because he says they are all mostly younger than him and as they drink and seem to have lots of different girlfriends he doesnt really want to see them outside of work so his real friends and some family live in other towns and he regularly visits them but I have not met any of them as I dont think he feels they would approve of him having a white non muslim single mum partner.
if he's 36...can i ask how old you are?
you guys are more than welcome to come hang out with us if you feel the lack of social interaction.
I am 43 .
I am willing to work at making this relationship work because he is so different to anyone else I have ever had a relationship with (ie english men), he is so thoughtful, hard working, kind and protective. He adores me as I do him and he makes sure I know that he does.
Pity I dont live in London or it would be lovely to meet you.
well you seem to have a great attitude towards your relationship, and he seems really nice. i wish you both the best . I'm sure there are other half bengali couples in your area, right?
We live in a small town and although there is quite a large indian/bengali community we dont know any other mixed couples.
I just think he is a very special person and want our relationship to work but i do anticipate problems but i am sure we will overcome them together.
hi everyone hope your all fine, well i think it would be a really good idea for all of us to meet up with some of our younger kids lol i have 7 aged between 21-4 and 4 grandkids aged 7-6mths lol 2 of them are my step grandkids but i absolutly adore them i dont know its a really funny world im half white half indian my hubby is shyleti bengali and now my oldest son is married to an arab girl whatever next i should make a bollywood film i think it would be a hit anyway as i was saying before i started babbling was i am in east london (plaistow) and i think it would be a really good idea for us mums to meet up
eandz i understand you im 37 feeling 100 lol ive been through it all and come out feeling stronger and wiser i think if anything we can all learn from each other coping stratergies
name a date and time and i'll be there. do you want to meet somewhere in the middle? i live in st johns wood (next to baker st) but i'm familiar with some of east london, our marriage started out in Bow.
Can I be in on the meet? I dont know any other women who have married a Bengali but arent Bengali themselves.
Im 32 now but I sure understand the '100' feeling. LOL!
I live in Ilford now but I know east and central london very well so anywhere would be good for me. Hmmm...the summer holidays are coming up so I guess the place will have to be kid friendly?
places i can suggest:
1. my flat (across the street from st johns wood tube station)
2. regents park
3. a pizza express somewhere in the middle
4. somewhere near oxford circus?
i would love to meet both of you guys do either of you drive i do but im not to good with roads or directions anyway just name it and same as u ill be there
i do drive, but not often.
whats an easy place for you to meet sufianoor and halzer?
Oh wish I lived near you guys, I live in the midlands in a small town, not fair
i know how to get to mile end, bow, stepney, bricklane,stratford or you guys can always come to either of my houses one in manor park or the other in plaistow i cant wait im looking so forward to this
maybe its just me but sometimes i feel so alone, im always worried the kids will do something wrong and everyone will say its because im not bengali, i feel that everyone feels we are not as good as bengali women i know i shouldnt feel this way but i just cant help it am ibeing stupid
I am in the same situation. My husband is Bangladeshi, I am white English, we have one son. We got married in Bangladesh 3 years ago.
Woah Boulders! You got married in Bangladesh! How was it getting married there?
My inlaws wanted me to get married in Bangladesh but I just wanted to get it over with quickly before they changed their minds. LOL!
A Mullah came over to his sisters house and we did it there. We arent married in 'English law' but we plan to take the kids away with us when they are a bit older and have our own private ceremony on the beach or something.
It was good! My OH's parents are in Bangladesh and we had the wedding at his Uncle's house, it wasn't the full lenghty version just the official and religious part so it was probably similar to yours. Then we stayed for a holiday and vistied various relatives in Noakhali, Dhaka & Chittagong (my husband is not Shyletti, he is from Noakhali). We also went to the Bay of Bengal at Cox Bazaar.
I am really impressed that you can speak Bengali, I've got a couple of CDs/Books and have tried but not done too well! I am hoping that our son will pick it up as he is only 7months at the mo so should find it easier to learn as he learns English. Can your kids speak Bengali?
When are you going to Bangladesh? I think you will impress all the locals with the way you have made such an effort with your MIL and the language.
hi everyone how you been i still want to link up it really would be great email me if any of you guys want email@example.com take care my lovelies
I can't be in on the meet as I don't live near London (I am in East Anglia).
Have a good time!
Yes come on girls...whats going on? Maybe everyone wants to let the holidays finish before we meet? The problem is that Ramadhan starts at the beginning of september so meeting up then might be tricky..
Help....Im in need of some english conversation!!!
Hi, are any of you still around? I am a white New Zealander and my DH is from Bihar in India (close to Bengal!). Would love to chat!
hi i am married to a bengali.i find it very difficult as i also feel that they see us as not good enough.would love you meet anyone in the east midlands.
im asian married to english convert.im from bihar
omg i cant believe not one of you guys emailed me, anyway im free to meet up with you guys anyday really except for tuesday because im in hospital, but any other day is fine with me im gonna do something really really out of charcter now and give you guys my number so pls feel free to call me and we can arrange where and when to meet up if you guys are still up for it that is anyway my number is 07728380686
ball is in your court now take care and hope to hear from at least one of you guys soon
I sent you an email last night sufia...
Hope to hear from you soon.
halzer why have u replied my text i truely hope i dint dissapoint u or make a bad impression pls forgive me if i did
hi hi everyone. lost this thread for a while.
i'm close to term. y'all wana come to my house for lunch?
maybe on a friday?
oh, you guys can add me to facebook if you look for my school email address: firstname.lastname@example.org
I'm in Bangladesh at present (Dhaka)wher my dh works.
What a great place!
Wewent up to Rangpur and environs last week.
What strikesme most is
1. How gorgeous women look in shalwar khameez
2. The staggering green of the paddy fields
3.)The great art on the rickshaws and lorries.
I'm going home next week but next time I'm here we will go to Cox/s Bazaar and the Sunderbahns.
Also, what lovely lovely people !
my husband has been scaring me about how destitute bangladesh is. granted he's only been 3 times in his life and he compares it to london.
i'm quite terrified of going to dhaka to be honest, but i know since i skipped the wedding trip i can't skip the 'meet the first grandchild trip' ...
Eandz, yes there is plenty of poverty but also a growing middle class and lots of shops and restaurants comparable to any in other parts of world.
It is afull on place-a heaving seething mass of humanity with worst traffic Ihave ever seen.
Still great though.
Sounds like you're enjoying the best of Bangladesh. What's your husband job out there?
OMG sufia! Just popped in here to read your post! Dont be silly! You were great!
Sufia and I met up last week at my house and we had a great chat. Im gonna text you now Sufia.
Are you all still meeting up soon? Count me in if you are!
EandZ...I searched for you on Facebook using your email addy but the search didnt come up with anything.
Well i have been dating a bengali man for ova 6 mths now,im welsh mixed race british/black.
And we have been talkin bout getting married and letting his family know but i have 1 big problem i wasalready married to a pakistani and have 2 children with him (bet they goin to love me)and im really scared of wot they goin to say as i knows he loves me dearly but he aint that strong enough i think to go against them (he wants us to marry then tell them) doi agree or make him stand up and face it first?????
I'm in exactly the same situation as you, it would be really good to talk. My head is spinning. I didn't realise that there were so many people in this situation. Gives me hope
DONT get married before telling his parents.
That will probably make his parents really dislike you and they might think that you made him get married that way.
Its tough meeting Bengali parents for the first time, and as you have kids it may be especially tough for you. My advice would be to play by the rules. Do everything 'right' and hopefully his parents will see that you both care for each other enough to give their blessing for you both to get married.
If you did get married would you be living separately from your inlaws?
just saying hi havent been on for ages... just wanted to say that i have emailed sufia and eandz about future meet ups... am in kentish town, so dont be alarmed when u see an email from a strage person
ive been with my partner for 13 years and have 3 kids.He is bengali and i am english.Never learned bengali but would love to learn.anyone on here from birmingham?
im english and have been with my bengali husband for 11 yrs and we also have 3 kids .
not from brum but my sister is
recently broke up with my bengali partner of 13 years.we have 3 kids and last year found out he bought a wife over from bangladesh and had a daughter with her..gave him an ultimatum of divorcing her or leaving me.he kept me going for a year saying that he was going to sort things out and never did.i finally kicked him out.i know he wasnt seeing her or his daughter in the time i found out.just doubting i made the right decision or should i have given him more time.think that his family had a big part in this as his mums a widow so needed a slave etc.i think the culture difference is too much sometimes.
wow brummie, so sorry to hear that. i dont know the full situation but there is a whole lot of deceit there so on the surface seems like the right decision. was he born and brought up here... or did he come over later... as i think the mindset is quite different.
oh no brummie thats the pitts
i couldnt forgive that
do the kids still see their dad?
are your childern muslim or are you
i never converted as im an athiest
the culture difference is very hard to deal with
many times we have nearly split up over it
they feel alot of pressure from their families.
I am actually muslim anyway, but still find the cultural differences huge and the family issues are def the hardest.
no i am not a muslim and he never asked me to convert.he still wants to raise kids as muslim though which i never had a problem with.he was born in bangladesh but came to england when he was 9.at the moment he still sees the kids but it seems he can't make up his mind which way to go.i think he wants to be with me as he is not happy with his wife but doesnt want to divorce her ie keep both of us.i have heard that some women put up with this and share a husband.i don't know if this is the case with anyone on here.his dad had 3 wives.
would you be prepared to do that tho brummiegirl. islamically if he does that then he would have to treat you both equally and tbh i dont actually think very many men in this day and age can do that.
this must be so difficult for you... do you have family and friends around to support you.
no way would i put up with sharing a man even though i know he would find it impossible to spend any time with her.he didn't see her or his daughter for 8 months because of me.i just know that if he doesn't divorce her she will wait for him forever because she waited 7 years for him to bring her here from bangladesh.i dont have any family support but i do have a few good friends.he is saying now that he wants to "talk" but he still hasn't talked to her or his family about divorcing her.i think he wants me back but unless he divorces her i will stay as i am.
i hope it all works out brummiegirl... sounds like an awful position to be in.
im close..irish wth a benglali husband!hes been here since he was a toddler but still some "issues" with his family altho Iwas muslim bfre Imet DH and get on well with his mum.Married3yrs,1 ds and one mre on the way....
hi suMadre. Been a bit quiet on her.e
cant belive how many of you are out there, im white british and hubby is bengali although he was born here. we been together since 98 and got married in 2003, we never told his family until i was 6 month pregnant with our first child...lol!! i am a convert to islam (but converted before we married so not for him) his dad is very strict and controlling but finally gave in when he met his grandson a week old, although i dont live with them i do spend a lot of time there and get on with everyone (except fil) but find cultural differences really difficult sometimes, especially as im very strong minded and dont like being told what to do!! i too dont mind not understanding the language as i find ignorence is definatly bliss when they are all having an argument
No one has been around here for a while. Where are you based?
Hi, I'm American married to a Bangladeshi. We have one daughter, just 9 months. All of my experiences with his family and in Bangladesh have been wonderful. I've been to Bangladesh three times already, and everyone was very hospitable. Every single family I visited made sure that I had plenty to eat, that I was physically comfortable, and that I was enjoying my time. Even in the villages, where the people are really poor, they made sure that I was well taken care of. My in laws aren't rich people either, so it wasn't a matter of being treated well because I was married into a wealthy family. As for myself, I don't really speak much Bangla, but most of his family speaks English so it wasn't an issue. Although, I do really hope that my daughter will learn enough so that she can enjoy all the conversations. I'm a rather quiet person, so I just sit back and enjoy eating the delicious food whenever there's a conversation in Bengali going on around me. My MIL is a very educated woman, and doesn't expect me to be subservient to my husband in any way. I'm also a convert to Islam, and don't really have the same outlook on Islam that many of you unfortunately seem to have because of your personal situations. Maybe that's because I've spent the time learning about it for myself, rather than letting other people dictate to me what Islam is. Just as a good majority of Christians in the western world don't investigate their own religion because they were 'born' into it, so it is also true for many Muslims in muslim majority countries. We all have differences, but as adults it is our responsibilty to our children to teach them how to deal with these differences in the best manner. If a marriage isn't working out, it's not because your husband is Bangladeshi, it's because you're just not the right match for each other, or because you haven't hit upon the proper way to communciate with each other. Yes, cultural differences can be a hurtle, but they can also be a huge blessing.
I'm Bengali and my DH is white and my 19MO DD is half and half ;-) But my family are Hindu and not very religious; his family are Jewish/Methodist mix but not very religious so we've had NO problems at all being "mixed race" couple and family. No problems here in North London either. I feel very lucky now that I've seen this thread!
Hi.... I am in North London too, Camden. Interesting to meet to meet Bengali Hindus... I mean I knew there were Hindu Bengalis.
Anyway... I digress. How do you reconcile all the backgrounds then?
I'm (Brit born) Bengali with a British husband. I left my family in lieu of a forced marriage overseas. I met my husband 2 years later and we have been together for 12 years, married for 8 years. I miss my mum so much, espcially since I became a mum in 2006. That said, I know I made the right decision. I know how hard it can be in a Bengali family, trying to keep your individualism. It's a large part of why I left them all behind. I have no regrets and am fortunate enough to enjoy a lovely life.
dina - that is a sad story but I am glad you stand by your decision and think it was the right thing.
MixedMama, I have only now just seen your question about reconciling all the backgrounds! Our motley family seems to work out fine - nothing to reconcile at all really. I go to Church and also celebrate the Hindu puja season and Christmas and Jewish holidays. We do it all!!! My DD will grow up thinking having multiple identities is all normal (as I did) :-) But we are lucky in that no member of our mixed family (whether Jewish or Hindu or Catholic, English or Bengali) are closed minded.
By the way, there are large Bengali Hindu communities all the UK, especially in London. We all come out during Puja season :-)
Is there any chance that you will ever reconcile dina75?
My husband is british bangladeshi we have 2 sons.
Good to see this thread again.
Our problem is the clsed mindedness of the people arpound us. But over the years we are getting there to a place that works for our family unit irrespective.
hiya everyone, this might sound odd but its the other way round for me actually lol.
im a british bengali (muslim) and fed up of having an bengali partner, i've been interested in having a partner of a different ethnicity ever since one of my bengali friends had a son with his white partner and his relationship is still going strong. ive thought about it alot and wouldn't mind getting to know someone of different ethnicity (just not bengali at the moment!!!!)
anyone know of anyone interested in finding a asian muslim partner feel free to recommend me!
Um...so your only criteria is that she must be white? Sorry its very naive to think that you will have a strong relationship if you find a 'white woman'.
If you really want to find a partnet of any race, get out and start dating.
Thought I was the only one in a messy boat. I have been with a british born bangali for 12 years, not married yet but Inshallah this year seems to go smoothly without the bumps..too soon to talk I think. He is amazing and wouldn't change the fact that I love him. His family - well some members of his family are all sweet and I get along well with his younger brother and sister. Some members including the extended family have been like ''you sure about what your doing'' I mean would I and him have wasted 12 years just to take a little ride then go and marry someone else...I mean please people need to get real.
We can't change how we feel and how perfect we are together. I am white, but Muslim..Converted 3 years ago and woudn't have done it diffently, I am happier now as a muslim than when I was cathlic. My mum doen't get along with him and hates the fact I have changed but hey it's my life and this is what makes me happy. I am yet to meet the rest of his family and really scared to as I am not sure how it it will go. In all honesty I have really wanted to let him go just to make it easier for him as he is now coming onto 32 and the marriage has been put to the side because of me. We should be married already instead we are continuing living in sin just because of the race issue. Life would be easier if poeple just put these issues to the side and let the compatibility of two poeple be the importance. I don't see anything wrong with mixed marriages so long you are happy and both parties respect the others religion/culture. I wish all of you the best with your marriages, may it be a blissfull, happy one for the rest of your life.
Message deleted by Mumsnet.
No, absolutely no chance of reconciling. My father is incensed by my dishonorable behaviour and has stated my death is now the only option. He doesn't know I am married, or a mother. He would harm my son, as he is evidence of my dishonour. This is so medieval, I cannot believe I am typing it! But this is highlights why I did not feel able to remain in the family unit. There was no discussion, only obedience.
I changed my name when I left my family to prevent them from finding me. I like to think one day I will see my brothers again, but I wonder if they can forgive the heartache I have undoubtedly caused our mother.
hello there fellow members of this forum,although this is based for mum as such, i stumbled across as i am in such a big dielema, althou im sorry for jacking this thread but i am a bangladeshi boy, born and raised in the southwest of england...Now i have been with my girlfriend for 4 years or so, well we broke up two weeks ago i am heartbroken, only reason why we broke was because of my parents, she didnt know how to tackle the issue, nor did i, i was too scared(basically being a coward) but now i want her back in my life so we can work this out..
before all this happened we spoke about marriage and things like that, we both love each other, i often see her go by me i can see she's not happy and nor am i, i just dont know how to show my parents that she is the one i want, the only special women for my life, i have never felt this way about a women, oh by the way i am 22 and she is 20
oh i guess i should say is that she is a christian british women, but technically she is also scottish as she was born there first and then moved to england
anyone who can give me some, light i dont want to loose, the love of my life, i got to know her, and she is in my heart, we both start to cry eveytime we see each other
seriously i really need some advice here
I am so sorry to hear about your difficult situation. I was in a similar position some years ago.
I am Indian and had been with my white boyfriend for 2 years. I was too scared to tell my parents until he told me he couldnt live like that anymore. He understood my predicament and was not forcing me to say / do anything, he just needed to walk away as he couldnt take anymore.
It was this jolt which made me realise that I didnt see a future without him which meant I had to be strong and tell my parents about him.
It wasnt easy and initially there was a lot of what will people say, its us that will have to hear it you can date til you get it out of your system we don't want people talking badly about our family who will marry your younger sister who will marry you after people find out about this but gradually over time I worked his name into more and more conversations and he even started coming round to our house for dinner.
2 Years later we got engaged and then started breaking it to the extended family, yes there was a lot of shock and comments but they got over it.
2 years after that we got married and by this point everyone was more than happy for us and everyone, bar none, came to the wedding.
2 years later we had our first child, which non-one batted an eyelid at! and by this point my family seemed to prefer him over me!
3 years later I am pregnant with our 2nd child and it all seems a lifetime ago!
We are very happily married and ALL my family adore him! I don't think they even see his colour / language barrier anymore.
So don't give up! If this girl is who you want to be with, you need to speak to your parents and be honest with them about how you feel about them and her. Explain you don't want to have to make a choice (but will if you have to).
It will take time, but if you really want this, you have to persevere.
My marriage is living proof that Love and time really do conquer everything!
My MIL lives near Ilford. My husband is Bengali (British born) and I am mixed race (Anglo Indian and English so fairly European)
I'm keen to hear about how you found learning Bengali! I'm learning as my husband doesn't speak much Bengali and we go to India quite often.
Hope to hear from you.
thank you for the advice mum2pea, seems like your the only one who anwerd my question, but iv lost her now, but shes always on my mind, been trying to talk to my parents and tell them that, im only happy when im around her or that i really dont want too marry anyone else but her, they dont want to listen at all
but in other respect i dont want too loose my family, just want them accept that i found the women i want to marry and be with
I am an Indian female who was in a 9 year relationship with a Sylheti guy from East London. He has a very successful career and a known figure within the Bengali community!
I went to Bangladesh on 2 occasions and we brought his mother to the UK to live with us indefinitely as i saw straight throught his relatives in Bangladesh and his mothers health despite him sending 500 pounds a month to Bangladesh since we have been together!
I am not muslim however me and his mum got on like best friends and i even was able to smoke infront of her as she knew i was smoking in the bathroom when she first came over. She even used to come to the toilet with me for a chat and she used to have a fag too lol
Anyway in less than 12 months i was speaking proper Sylheti and this was only down to her and our relationship, whenever i didnt understand anything she'd take her time and explain so i would understand.
Anyway due to matters beyond my control we split after 9 long years together!!
However we are both still friends and i doubt we will ever stop loving each other, however i dont think we will get back together and that is a shame....
I am more Bengali than Indian and its so funny....
Hiya everyone. I'm married to a Sylheti Bengali as well. I converted to Islam 9 years ago, a long story but the main push was because my FIL disowned my DH and it was breaking my heart to see him so upset and tormented by it. I didn't want him to have to choose between me or his family and so I converted on my own accord, through a local mosque and their new Muslim project. We have been married now for 8 years and have a DS age 6 a DD age 3 and are trying for number 3. My FIL came around after the wedding and we see his family every weekend. He also is one with a very large extended family! We have been to Bangladesh twice now and I loved his family out there and how welcoming and loving they were to us. Beware Moondog of being a kidnapping target though if you visit the same
part of the city more than once... My life is rich and fulfilled by my new experiences and yes, it has been tough at times, but I thank Allah for giving me such a wonderful family!
I love this thread, its really interesting to read. My in laws drive me up the wall, but so do my own family and talking to my English friends who are married to English partners, being wound up by your partners family is normal!
hey, im scottish (white) and have a bengali husband who was brought to scotland when he was 4. we ar both 26 and have a daughter who i 1 and im currently pregnant. my daughter is very dark skinned and extremely beautiful, people often stop me in the street to comment on how amazing she is.im very proud that she is mixed race even though people always as me who's child she is as she looks nothing like me, which is fine as im very pale and plain looing,i love that im the only person i know with a white/bengali baby. any questions id be happy to help x
Hi everyone. Im white and English, i have a 2 year old daughter from my previous relationship and she is mixed race namibian/english. So i am now a single mum. I have been with my new boyfriend who is bengali for just over one year now, my family have met him and accepts him for him but his family dont even know about me yet! i am at a stage now where i feel like i really want to settle down and think about marriage/family. What do i need to do or say or be for his family to accept me? Me and him are just perfect for eachother and are completly in love, i can see a beautifull future with him but it causes me a lot of depression and anxiety to think that he could just leave me for a bengali girl because that is what his parents would want?
Can anyone give me any advice????
I am a british bengali (my parents are both from bangladesh and I was born and brought up here). My husband is from bangladesh (he was brought to this country at the age of 6 by his uncle and was raised by his uncle and aunt)
I always new my parents would want me to marry a bengali therefore I only dated bengali boys as I new there would be no point in dating other guys as I would not want in to lead to something serious. I met my husband when I was 20 and dated for few years then finally got married. After being married to him now for 5 years I cannot believe some of the things I have seen and heard!! I feel so sorry for my poor husband,his parents have sent him here for the sole purpose of making him work like a dog and just to send them money. Money is all they care about! They call all the time and emotionally blackmail him for money,not only does he support them in bangladesh but he also support 3 of his uncles and their wives and children in bangladesh!! After I got married we went to bangladesh to visit his parents,I was astonished to see that they lived in a large house,they have cleaning ladies and chauffeurs that drive them around!!!
Me and my husband live here in a small 2 bed house with our 2 children we a tight for space but cannot afford anything larger. His parents and other members of his family constantly nag him telling him to lie about our income and move to a council flat!! For the sole purpose of providing them with more money! I am angry and upset as we don't have enough money for ourselves and me and my husband always argue about money. His parents attempt to run our lives from another country! He has male relatives who have come to this country on student visas with no intention to study,they try to target vulnerable women ie women who are divorced with children and have low self esteem or generally unattractive older ladies,they manipulate them into thinking they love them then marry them for a british passport or indefinite leave to stay here so that they can work and send money to bangladesh. They usually divorce these ladies once they have what they want. I think this is disgusting!! I am ashamed of bengali way of life and their way of thinking I don't know why anyone who is not a bengali would want to marry a bengali person with ties in bangladesh!
His parents do not care that he works long hours to support them. I do not work as my children are very young. On one occasion I overheard my sister in law speaking to my husband saying how come your wife can't work as she is educated and has a degree so she should be able to get a well paid job so then you can send more money back home. This infuriated me!! How dare she tell me to get a job so that her parents can sit on their fat asses and not only take my husbands income but indirectly take mine also.
I love my husband but sometimes I get frustrated that he puts us second and does not spend more money on us rather than his family in bangladesh. Sometimes I feel I want to leave him as I think I would be able to provide better for myself and kids all on my own as I no I can get a good job with a fat salary as I had one before but gave it up before I got married.
Hey I am thinking of marrying my american gf, can someone chat with me regarding their relationship with in a mixed marriage/relationship? Just want advice. Thanks, I am bengali.
It's a pity that a lot of the sisters are going through all this
Really saddens me, I won't tell any sob stories or nothing but pray that Allah keeps you happy, inshaAllah... Keep me and my family ya3ni the whole Ummah in your duuas, walaykumasalaam.
Hi, really interesting thread. Wonder if there are any grandchildren from a Bangladeshi and English marriage? My Dad is mixed race (Bangladeshi Dad and English mum) and both my Dad and us kids have had trouble all our lives because of this; solely from the Bangladeshi community. I can relate to everyone here from both perspectives. It saddens me that generations down the line, my MIL still thinks of me as a half breed!
Hi. Not sure if anyone is actually still using this thread. But I need some advise!
I have been with a muslim British born Bengali guy for 6 years and he has spoken about marriage and children and our life together for about 5years now we are both only 22/23, I was introduced to his family a 4years ago but as his sisters friend. I am very close friends with his sister but his mama still thinks I am just sisters friend, his other brothers/sisters know I am with their brother but his older sister pretends she doesn't know. I am wanting to move forward with our life together as we cannot live together until we are married! But I feel the strain on our relationship as normal relationships the guys parents know u as the girlfriend! I love my boyfriend more than he could imagine and would do anything to have a "normal" relationship with him as he is all I want, when I bring this up he gets a little annoyed and says he told me it would be hard and take a while, I think maybe its taking a little to long now and I am giving up hope of a serious relationship with him as it is causing me to be mad with him and argue over stupid little things and I hate myself for being this way!
Could anybody please give me some help,
My family love him but are not aware his mama doesn't know he is with me as Ino they would not understand as my friends don't they are all with white partners and have children or engaged and don't understand the cultural differences.
Please if someone could offer me any advise I would be so grateful! Thanks
Hi, this is for anyone who has a husband who is bengali and white wife. I have a girlfriend who is polish that I am marrying. She is very beautiful and has fair skin. I'm bengali and I have quite asian dark skin. What colour skin will my son or daughter have. Is it possible that they will also be fair.
I'm like your wife, my DH like you. all 3 of my DC have brown eyes and dark brown hair. their skin tones vary depending on the season. my eldest goes really dark in the sun with factor 50 on whereas my middle gets a Mediterranean like tan in the sun and is quite pale in the winter. my youngest is only 4 mths old so don't know yet? Lol I get jealous! they are all so beautiful mashallah
hi everyone, I am not English but im half Bangladeshi (father), and my other half is Salvadorian(Mother). I am part Hispanic have Spaniard and mayan ancestry . My fathers family descend more from the Aryans but it is unknown of where exactly my ancestors came from they definetly were arab but maybe came from Persian lands and mixed with dravidians. I was born and raised in New Jersey. My name is Arabic because I am Muslim . I have a gift I can pass as many origins in the world. I can look like any Hispanic country even non countries including Guayanese and Brazilian, I can look Italian and Greek, also I can look Arab when I have the beard of any kind including Persian. But there will always be people who see a Bengali boy, for some preference. but at the end of the day there will be some people who cant tell where I am from. I was born light and for a period of my life I was brown and then black or I can turn red. When I was in California I turned orange hahha. but when the winter comes I go back to being light. but usually people tell me I have the skin tone of a dark Hispanic. but in the end I realized there are people who are Bengali or desi that can pass as a Hispanic and there are people who are Hispanic that can pass as a Desi hahahahaha we are all same in the end.
Hi All, so relieved to have found a post like this.
Im bengali 28 my older sister married a white guy and they did NOT take it well at all. Its my turn to marry and because I haven't chosen a bengali I don't know what extent they will go to stop me from marrying the guy i want to who happens to be indian but his family only speaks english
How did you ladies that married into bengali families learn bengali - how long did it take you to learn it.
I'm under so much stress because of what my older sister did they expect me to save them and marry a bengali to save face but that wouldn't make me happy. .... I'm so desperate I have even got to the point where i potentially might agree to marrying a freshie guy from bangladesh and divorce him i don't think I can put myself through the wife duties or have any sexual relations with him. i've even gone as far as looking for a gay bengali to do a social cover up for a little while to let me get away from my family.
Running away isn't an option - are there any bengali girls that married out of bengali culture how did you cope with this?
hy I like to kno u if ur interesting massage me ur number to contact u and more after get to kno u
Hello there, I too am very interested in learning Sylheti. I am an English male and my partner is Bengali and she, along with he family, all speak it. I've read that some consider it almost a dead language and literature is very hard to come by. I'm sure I'll pick things up by ear but I want to learn it much faster. I'm struggling to find any good online resources and would be grateful for any advice that's out there.
Hi is this thread still running?
I'm married to Bengali man and the situation with his family is slowly crushing my soul, anyone who can support please private message, much appreciated....
Hi I am with a punjabi sikh born here, I understand a lot of posts on here as it's very hard work with MIL.... My cousin was married to a Bengali man born here for 15 years she had to completely convert change her name everything but was fully accepted. Isn't easy though x
My cousin's Bengali family were more accepting than my bf punjabi sikh family who are 3rd generation Brit born smoke drink not religious... It's mad.
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